← anything goes with emma chamberlain![faking orgasms, advice session [video] — anything goes with emma chamberlain cover](https://megaphone.imgix.net/podcasts/d2559f3c-54a3-11e9-85f3-4b0dc7ea6463/image/d8af8680f519c62c47b842be98aa7cc9.jpg?ixlib=rails-4.3.1&max-w=3000&max-h=3000&fit=crop&auto=format,compress)
Loading summary
Transcript5 lines
- [00:00]
Emma Chamberlain
Hello, and welcome back to Advice Session, a series here on anything goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything that you want advice on, and I give you my unprofessional advice. And today's topic is sex, which means if you're one of my family members, turn this off. And if you think you're a little bit too young to be listening to this episode, go ask your mommy. And now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's talk about sex, people. Let's talk about it. Let's just dive into it. To be honest, I get a little bit uncomfortable when I talk about sex. Not because it's a taboo topic, but because I don't think people perceive me as a sexual person. In fact, I've seen comments online that are like, I don't think Emma has sex. Emma does not exude an ounce of sexual energy. I don't think she has sex. I think if we were to pull down her pants, we would find it was smooth like a Barbie doll down there. There's no vagina. She doesn't have sex. And this is something I've always sort of been self conscious of. Ever since I was going through puberty as a middle schooler, I've been self conscious about the fact that I exude less sexual energy than the average person. I've always sort of relied on my humor and my personality to get attention. And I'm not saying that in like a pick me sort of way. Like, sorry, I guess I'm just like deeper than the average. Sorry that I'm not like a sex symbol, but like, I. I have. But I'm like, well read. And I, like, read books. I'm not well read. I'm not that well read. I've read a few classics, okay, but no more than the average person. I'm not well read. I'm not saying this in some sort of pick me sort of way. I'm saying that I just never had sexual energy, so I had to rely on other things. And I think many of us can relate to that. I think it. It's like 50, 50 out there. Some people have sexual energy, some people don't. It seems to be like 50, 50. And I'm just somebody who, for whatever reason, doesn't have sexual energy for the most part. So I feel kind of silly when I talk about sex. However, despite what some of you may think, I do have sex. I do have sex, and I'm not necessarily the best at it. And I don't get on top Very often. Because that's just a little bit too much for me. A little bit too stressful, a little bit too visual. Can see too much of me. A little bit too exhausting, a little bit too. I don't really know what I'm doing up there. No one ever taught me. So I just don't really do it. But I have sex, okay? I've been having sex for like seven years or something, maybe six. So I have enough experience to be honest. If anyone needs sex advice though, it's me. Now I'm thinking about it. I'm like, wait, I could use some sex advice if anything. But today I'm just gonna share with you what I know, all right? And as always, this advice should be taken with a grain of salt. For all you know, I actually could be a Barbie doll down there. Just no vagina, okay? Just like, smooth. You don't know anything for sure. So take advice with a grain of salt from me. All right? Anyway, let's begin. Actually, one more check. Are any of my family members listening? Let's fucking turn this off now because I don't want to talk about this. At Thanksgiving, I did this like, nude shoot on Instagram. I don't know, a little while ago for my best friend Jared. My best friend and stylist, Jared's Nudge new clothing company. He came out with some bags. He was like, emma, do you want to do this shoot? And it was super last minute. And I was like, fuck, yeah, let's do it. And it was nude with the bags. Anyway. Super cool. I had a lot of fun doing it. It was great. It was empowering. I was nude. But then the holidays came around and I was just absolutely horrified because I knew that my entire family had seen my entire butt cheek exposed. And I was just absolutely mortified. I can't even remember if they brought it up. Cause I kind of like blacked it out of my memory. Anyway, so to avo that anxiety, if you are related to me, let's just go ahead and turn this episode off. All right, let's begin. I briefly paused this episode to let you know that this episode is presented by Westin Hotels and Resorts. Westin Hotels is designed with your wellbeing in mind. With more than 200 destinations around the world, Westin Hotels makes it possible to keep up with your wellness routine while traveling. With signature amenities and offerings that help you move well, eat well and sleep well. And with their iconic next generation heavenly bed, you can look forward to the rest. The worst part about traveling is how it impacts your sleep. Whether you're dealing with jet lag or not having slept on a flight, it can ruin a trip. Find wellness at Weston, One of the 30 extraordinary hotel brands in the Marriott Bonvoy portfolio. Now back to the episode somebody said how to work around having opposite sex drives in a relationship so that everyone feels satisfied. I have absolutely dealt with this before, both extremes. I've dated people that have wanted to have more sex than me, and I've dated people who have wanted to have less sex than me. And both are definitely challenging and exhausting in their own unique ways. When you're dating somebody who wants to have sex more than you, you end up in a position sometimes where you feel like you're pretending you know, you might have sex. When you're not in the mood and you kind of feel weird about it, it feels inauthentic, it feels ingenuine because you're not in the mood. It's not what you want to be doing, and you're kind of just doing it. And it doesn't feel deep, it doesn't feel exciting, it doesn't feel true. Or, you know, you have to reject your partner on a frequent basis, which is kind of a bummer, right? I mean, it's totally okay to do. Of course, if you're not in the mood and you're not feeling it, you absolutely should reject your partner. But it doesn't feel good and it's kind of a bummer, and it's. It's not fun. You know, nobody wants to reject their partner, right? But it. That's necessary sometimes, so that can be really challenging. On the other hand, if you want to have more sex than your partner, that also is really upsetting because at times you might feel like sex is sort of empty between you and your partner. Uh, the reason being that maybe they just aren't as down as often. And so you're having sex with somebody who, you know, maybe 50% of the time, like, doesn't actually want to be having sex as well, which is a bad feeling. And then you're like, wait, why didn't they tell me? Wait, I feel bad. Wait, I feel weird. This feels weird. Or you might initiate and get rejected, which is a fucking shitty feeling. So it's complicated. And the likelihood that you and your partner are going to have perfectly aligned sex drives are. It's rare. It's pretty rare. Although it does happen. You know, I actually have had relationships where it was pretty balanced. Like both members wanted to have sex kind of the same amount with an occasional, like, off day, but for the most part, you know, it's the same. And when that happens, great. But, you know, we can't always expect that. And that isn't a priority for most people. Right. Like, having exactly the same sex drive is not one of the key factors in a relationship. I think sexual chemistry and sexual interests come way before sex drive. Right. But I do think that it's important to ask yourself how important that is to you. You know, if this is something that really bothers you, be honest with yourself about it and be honest about whether or not this is something that you can deal with. Because all of us are different, right. Even though I think majority of us are okay with dealing with differing sex drives, some of us like that is really a deal breaker, I guess. So figure that out for yourself. In the rare occasion that it is a deal breaker for you, then that's a conversation that you need to have with your partner, potentially you know, even end things with your partner. But I think for most people, it's a matter of communication. If you and your partner have opposite sex drives, you probably need to discuss sex a bit more than a couple who has, you know, a super synced sex drive. And that's because both of you need to constantly be making sure that your needs are being met and that nobody feels neglected or misunderstood or like they're feeling any sort of pressure to be having sex when they're like, not really in the mood. You know, this type of imbalance just requires a bit more communication. And honestly, I think that this applies, you know, in every relationship. You know, we are not going to be perfectly aligned, perfectly synced, perfectly balanced about every single thing in a relationship. There's always stuff that just doesn't quite line up. And I think a characteristic of a good, healthy relationship is when those imbalances are not a problem. Right. Like, it's cool. Like, no, it's not a deal breaker for anyone. And you both figure out a way to communicate through it and keep tabs on it. Right? So I think an extra level of communication is necessary, but that's uncomfortable. So the more you can have those types of conversations, the more that you can check in, the more comfortable you'll get with it. And in the beginning it might feel uncomfortable, but I can promise it'll get easier. But I understand the fear because I've been in relationships where I've gone the entire relationship and we've never talked about sex, like once. You know, it's like a topic that we avoided or whatever for Whatever reason, because it was too uncomfortable. And so I think the earlier on in the relationship, you can start talking about sex, and the more often that you do it, the better, because then it just isn't scary anymore, and it's comfortable and it's easy. Uh, and it's important, especially if you have opposite sex drives. But once you have that sort of figured out, I think there are a few more things that you could do. Okay, number one, when you do have sex, when both of you are feeling it at the same time, lean into it. Okay? Don't fall into your routine. Like, I feel like a lot of couples get into sort of a routine, like at 30 seconds, like, a finger goes in. And then at like, three minutes, okay, now my pants are off. And then at five minutes, okay, now we're doing this. And then we flip over. It's like when you're in a relationship, you end up getting into a routine with sex. A lot of times that has happened to me in every single relationship I've ever had. It's like at a certain point, you have a routine, and so they're actually. A conscious effort has to be made to get out of that routine. And so I think if you have opposite sex drives, it's all the more reason to make sure not to fall into the routine. Like when you catch yourself about to, like, pop a fucking finger in somewhere or, like, put a hand in the pant when you normally do, be like, wait a minute, I'm gonna do something else. Like, I don't know, just, like, switch it up and also drag it out. Don't rush anything, you know, don't just, like, go through the motions. Like, drag it out. You know what I mean? Like, stop in between, chill out for a sec, you know? Like, drag it out. Get out of your routine. Make the times that you do both want to have sex extra special, extra exciting. Really make a moment out of it. Okay. Have fun with it, you know? Because this is something that's even more special for you two than for the average couple. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. Have you ever been shopping online and the website just gave you the ick? Let me tell you, that wouldn't happen if they used Squarespace. Squarespace Design Intelligence empowers anyone to build beautiful, more personalized websites tailored to your unique needs. And with Squarespace Payments, it's super easy to manage payments with just a few clicks. Plus, with Squarespace's integrated and optimized SEO tools, there's all the help you need to get people to your site, head to squarespace.com emma for a free trial and use code EMMA to save 10% on your first purchase. This episode is brought to you by Mentos Gum. Keeping things fresh. It's important, right? And I'm not just talking about fresh breath. It's important to switch up your routine whenever you can. Like, for example, I love to try new recipes. I also love to try new workout classes because I absolutely love workout classes. And every once in a while, it's fun to try one I haven't tried yet. And of course, another way to refresh the everyday is with Mentos gum, available in a range of fresh flavors like spearmint, fresh mint and strawberry. Mentos gum. Yes to fresh. Okay, next, if you're really feeling like, oh, my God, we have been so out of whack, we have not had sex in, like a month. Like, we're just not aligning. Plan a night around sex. Okay, it sounds kind of cringe, but I actually do think that there can be some. Some value in it. Like, let me give you an example, okay, Plan, like a date night, okay? Like, okay, tonight we're gonna order dinner and we're gonna watch this movie and we're gonna light a candle. Maybe we're gonna light two. And if you want to wear, like, a cute little outfit. Okay, I hate doing that because I feel cringe when I do it and I feel constricted by it and I, like, really hate it. So I don't do that. But, like, if you want to buy a little cute little outfit and wear that maybe under your clothes, okay, do that. You know, if you want to buy something from, like, a little sex store as, like, a little funny surprise. Fun. Funny surprise for some people, it's not a funny surprise. But, like, if I were to do something like this, it would be because every guy I've ever dated would be like, what the fuck? You went to a sex store? What are you doing? You bought what? You bought a handcuff. Like, what's going. Like, you know, who cloned my girlfriend and pumped Viagra into her? Like, what's happening? But, you know, whether you're like, a sexual person like that and you're like, into that or not, it could be fun regardless whether it's funny or it's serious. You know, going and picking something up. Like, there's little, like, sex games you can buy that are, like, not, you know, anything too extreme, like, pretty tame. Or you could, if you are less tame, pick up something kind of crazy. I don't Know, pick up a little something perhaps, but, like, make a night out of it. You know? Make a night out of it. Make sort of a plan. Like, tonight we're gonna. We're really gonna. We're really gonna lean into this. We're really gonna have sex, and it's gonna be fun, and it's gonna be sexy night. We're gonna have a sexy night, and it's gonna be sexy, and it's gonna be nighttime, and we're gonna have a sexy night. Kind of fun, you know? Like, I think when both partners are feeling uninspired, it's not a horrible idea to just have a little sexy night. And last but not least, I do think if you're in a relationship where you have opposite sex drives, it is important, especially for the person who maybe has a higher sex drive to be masturbating. And I know it's like, emma, oh, my God. Like, this is so rated R, you're talking about masturbation. What? But, like, I don't know. I think some of us are like, I'm in a relationship. I shouldn't masturbate. Like, I should just be having sex with my partner, you know? But I actually think it's totally fine. And also, like, I've been in relationships where, like, we have, like, normal, good, balanced sex, but then sometimes I'm like, I'm bored. And, like, you know, we might have sex later, but we might not. And I feel like I probably. And I kind of feel like today is the day, that today is a day that I need to. And so I'll just handle it on my own, you know? Like, I think it's perfectly normal and healthy and not a red flag. If you need to masturbate in your relationship and you need to take matters into your own hands. Sometimes I actually think it's a really healthy. Like, what's the alternative? Wanting to and then just, like, not, and, like, holding back? I mean, I guess for some people, maybe that makes sense, but, like, I don't really feel like that is necessary. You know, that's kind of a bummer, you know? Or cheating. Like, okay, that's not good. I don't know. I don't see anything wrong with it. I think it's just, like, it allows you to, like, regulate and balance everything in your relationship. Like, if. If you like to have sex more than your partner and you make up for it in masturbation, like, that's not cheating, you know, Unless your partner thinks that, like, watching porn is cheating and you need to watch porn to masturbate, then that's kind of, I guess, a different topic. But I actually think most people need porn to masturbate. I just don't, which is like a weird thing about me. And I never watch it and. And it's just this weird thing about me. It's not weird, but it's just like, kind of unusual and maybe less common. But anywho, I just have a really strong imagination. Isn't that beautiful? Yeah. Like, do it yourself. Okay. Or encourage your partner to do it themselves, you know, and perhaps you could even figure out some sort of like, cute sort of thing where, like, perhaps, you know, I personally hate nudes. Like, I don't want any nude of me to exist. I'm very frightened of that because, like, what if an icloud gets hacked or something? I just don't even fuck around. Like, there's not one nude of me on my phone. And I'm not just saying that to, like, fend off icloud hackers. I just genuinely do not have one nude photo of me on my phone. And not. Or actually if I do, it's like not a sexual one. It's like me, like, in a fitting with my stylist Jared, and like, we're taking a picture of pants and, like, my boobs are out because I don't care. And we like, needed to take a photo of the pants. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, that's the type of nude on my phone. But, like, perhaps you could figure out, like, maybe you could take photos of something and then. Or like videos and then for your partner, for when they, like, if they have a higher sex drive than you or if you have a higher sex drive now you can like, you know, you can masturbate with your partner virtually, you know what I'm saying? Because you have a little, a little pic or a little vid, or you have a collection that you guys have created, you know, to sort of, you know, again, remedy the imbalance. There's a lot of stuff you can do and it's definitely something that you can get through. Okay? Moving forward, somebody said, how often should you be having sex with your long term boyfriend? This is something that I have struggled with before, being like, wait, is this normal? Is this enough? In various extremes, I've asked myself, are we having too much sex? Is this unusual? I've asked myself, are we not having enough sex? Why have we not had sex in three weeks? I've, you know, questioned why have we not had sex in a month and why Is that okay with me? You know, I've questioned that in a variety of ways in the past and the conclusion I've come to is there is no specific answer. And every relationship varies, right? I will say though, if you really do want to try to come up with some sort of number, I think your best option is to take an average of your and your partner's ideal frequency of sex. Okay, so let's say you're talking about on a weekly basis, on average, right? Obviously there are exceptions. Sometimes you're just tired for a few weeks, sometimes you're fighting for a few weeks, whatever. But like on average, how often would you and your partner like to have sex? Ask each other this question, have this conversation. Okay, let's say your partner would like five days a week and you really only want to have sex like two days a week. Okay, well then your average is what, three and a half. So that means having sex like three and a half times a week, right? So that means like having full on sex, you know, three times a week. And then the half is like walking past your partner in the kitchen and like putting your finger up their butt a little bit or like, you know you're about to fall asleep and maybe you just like grab a boob or something. Say like goodnight and like grab a little boob. That's the half. Okay. But again, you know, like even once you have that number in that average with your partner, sometimes you're gonna have sex every day because both of you are in the mood. And sometimes you're gonna have sex once a month because that's what you're in the mood for. There are so many variables that affect how often you have sex in a relationship that I think one of the worst things you can do is set some sort of expectation or like be striving to hit some sort of quota. That's not how this works. Sex should be intuitive. You should have sex when you want to have sex. Um, obviously it's complicated because there's two people, but it shouldn't be about hitting a quota, right? And like, I really think it comes down to whether or not the amount feels good to you both, right? If it feels good to you both, if you feel like, yeah, you know, we have sex a lot sometimes, not a lot sometimes, and we fall into a routine and have it pretty routinely a few times a week sometimes. And I'm really happy with that. Like it's kind of all over the place, but it feels good and it feels intuitive. Then you have no issue, right? You don't need to be questioning if you're happy having sex too often or not enough, you're good. But if you're feeling like I'm not happy with the frequency, like it feels off, feels like it's too much, it feels like it's not enough, then you need to have conversations about it. Right? And I think it's so important to be in a relationship where you feel comfortable to have these conversations. And I think you create that by, number one, not putting each other on a pedestal, but also having nonjudgmental conversations, routinely, you know, ensuring that both partners are non judgmental and routinely checking in on the uncomfortable stuff. You know, the more you discuss it, the more comfortable it becomes. I sort of already said this, but I built on it a bit now anyway, I just. I think it's very important to create a dynamic where these conversations are easy and comfortable and. Or not maybe easy, but they're invited. You know what I mean? This episode is brought to you by ebay. This is what you do when you've just found that statement handbag on ebay and you want to build an entire wardrobe around it. You start selling to keep buying. Yep. On ebay, over that all black everything phase, list it and buy all the color, feeling more vintage than ever. It's out with the new and in with the pre loved. Next thing you know, you've refreshed your wardrobe basically without spending a dime. Yeah, ebay the place to buy and sell new pre loved vintage and rare fashion.
- [23:27]
Sponsor Voice
It's that time of year everyone's trying to get healthy cardio or weights, shake or smoothie, Tai chi or Tahitian kickboxing. That is the sound of decision fatigue, people. Luckily, unsweetened Almond Breeze almond milk is an easy call with fewer calories than dairy milk and none of the sugar. It's the obvious choice. Find Almond Breeze at your supermarket. 1 cup of whole dairy milk contains 150 calories and 12 grams of sugar versus 1 cup of almond breeze unsweetened original contains 30 calories and 0 grams of sugar.
- [23:58]
Emma Chamberlain
Okay, next. Somebody said I want to have sex for the first time, but I can't decide if I'm ready or not. It feels like a big deal to me, but I don't want to be dramatic. How do I know if I'm ready? I feel like I've answered a question very similar to this in another advice session. But I ask you to forget if I ever have given advice. And hopefully my advice is even better now than it was in the past, but I can't remember. Maybe I never have given advice on it, to be honest. I don't think anyone ever feels 100% ready. So I would recommend that you let go of that expectation. Let go of the expectation that you're ever going to feel 100% prepared and ready. We're never 100% prepared and ready for something that we've never done before. You know what I mean? Like, the first time you skateboard, it's okay to be nervous because you've never done it before and you don't know what to do. If you've never done something before, you're not going to know what to expect. Like, it's completely normal to be like, I'm not ready. You know what I mean? You just never feel ready. What makes you feel ready for something is when you've done it before and you know exactly what to do. So this is a normal feeling. But let go of that expectation that you're ever going to feel 100% prepared, because I doubt that you will. And I also think, too, that another reason why we never feel ready is because it is a huge decision. It's okay to take this really seriously. You know, you're saying that it feels like a big deal to you, but you don't want to be dramatic. No, it's okay to be dramatic. It is a big deal. And I feel like we live in a time now where we're told that it's not that it doesn't matter. You know, have sex with whoever you want as much as you want. Who cares? It doesn't matter. It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't define you. All of these things, in a lot of ways, are true. But I do think that growing up hearing this rhetoric, you get this idea that if you take sex too seriously, it's because you're very reserved and you're very prude and this, this and that. And like, you know, this is a time where now, like, you know, say, virginity is not held as sacred. It just doesn't matter anymore. We live in more of a time of, I guess, sort of sexual liberation in a way. And I think, again, there's a lot of beauty to that. And I think that there's a lot of great that comes from that sort of philosophy. However, I do think that it also can be a bit damaging to young people who are feeling like, wait a minute, this is a big deal to me. Wait a minute. I don't want to just have sex with whoever I want. Like, wait a Minute, I kind of think this is a big deal. And I feel like that is one of the flaws with that sort of conversation that's happening in society and culture today. Okay. I don't know, because I experienced that. Like, I'm speaking directly from experience here. Growing up, I felt like everyone was celebrating having a lot of sex with a lot of different people. You know, Whereas when my parents were kids, for example, that was less the case. You know, it was more like being really selective and really careful was sort of, what was I guessing, maybe cool back then in some ways, definitely when my grandparents were kids. And I'm not saying either is good. I think both extremes sort of have negative impacts on young people's psyches. Right. When society is too strict about sex, a lot of guilt comes up. A lot of feeling of like, I'm impure because I did this, or like, I'm forever destroyed because I did this, or I've ruined my body from doing this. And I think that that's completely unhealthy. But also, when the rhetoric is like, sex is just this. It's. It can be this casual thing. It's so casual. It's so chill. It's chill. It's not that deep, y'all. It's so chill. That also is harmful, because for some people, that's true. And for some people, that's. That's not right. And so, I don't know, I think it can make people feel weird, myself included, when they do take this stuff seriously. And so I guess the purpose of this long winded rant is to tell you that it's okay to take it seriously. It is a big decision. It is something that you should really think about because you might be somebody who can have sex and it's no biggie, and you don't care, and it's chill. But chances are, you're probably not right. Sex is incredibly vulnerable. It's one of the most vulnerable things that you can do in life. And it's very normal to be deeply affected by the experience in either a positive or a negative way. And so now that hopefully you're allowing yourself to see this as a big decision, see this as something that should be critically thought about. How do you know if you're ready? Listen, as I said earlier, you're never gonna feel 100% ready. But I do think that there are a lot of signs that you are ready. Number one, you have someone to have sex with that makes you feel 100% comfortable and safe, who you can truly trust. I personally Think that this is really important. You know, I've had friends who have lost their virginity to, like, a completely random person. I think that that is fine and that works for some people, but I wouldn't recommend it because, again, sex is a really vulnerable thing. And it's even more vulnerable when it's your first time and you don't really know what you're doing. You ideally want to be with somebody who is going to take care of you, who is going to make you feel comfortable, who's going to teach you how it works, you know, so you want someone who you're familiar with, who perhaps you're even dating to help make the situation less intimidating and more comfortable and also more enjoyable. The other thing too is, you know, when you have sex for the first time, especially if you're a girl, it can be painful, it can be uncomfortable. You might not be able to, like, get right into it. And you need somebody who's patient with you because it just might not be like this super hot, sexy experience the first time. Next, you need to make sure that you are the one making this choice. Nobody else is impacting your decision making. Not your significant other, not your crush, not your friends, not society. This decision should be made for you. And that's really important because there are going to be a lot of pressures around you. Okay? People who want to have sex with you might be like, let's do it. Like, come on. You know, there might be pressure coming from there. There might be pressure coming from your friends. Maybe your friends have all had sex and you haven't, so now they're like, come on, like, you need to have sex too. Or perhaps the pressure could be coming from society. You know, like, again, there's sort of a norm of like, well, once you're at this age, you must have had sex by now, right? And maybe you're a little bit older than that. Maybe you're in your mid-20s. When it starts to become a bit less common for people to be a virgin. If you still want to be a virgin, if you haven't found the right person yet, all good. You have the whole rest of your life to have sex. All good. You know what I mean? Do it on your own time. Do it when you want to do it. Make sure that you're doing it for you, because that will ensure that you're as ready as you could possibly be. You're not ready if you're not making the decision for you and you end up doing it when you're not ready. And then you end up feeling like, oh my God, I feel weird. I don't. I wasn't ready, you know, I really wasn't ready. And last but not least, it sounds exciting to you. Yes, you're nervous. Yes, you're intimidated. Yes, it's a big deal. But more than anything, you're excited. You're like, okay, you know what? This is good. I really do want to do this. It's exciting. And exciting is like the main feeling that you're experiencing. It's a positive, exciting thing for the most part. There are always going to be fears and you're always going to be nervous, you know, but you're more excited than you are nervous. Okay, next. Somebody said, is it bad that I'm not a total freak in the bedroom? Lol. I feel like everyone I see loves having sex so much and my style is pretty mellow. It's hard not to be self conscious or feel like I won't be enough for my partner. I totally get this. I could not get this more. And I have spent so many years in relationships being like, oh my God, do I need to like watch more porn and study and figure out how to be crazy and like, you know, do a 360 helicopter spin on a pee and like, what do I need to learn? You know, what do I need to do? And I can't tell you how much this has tortured me. Okay? I totally get it because I'm the same way. Like, listen, not to like give you too much information, but like, I am the same way. I'm pretty mellow, I'm pretty chill. I'm not doing anything crazy. I'm also not, not into it though. It's not like I am bringing nothing to the table. I am aware that I bring things to the table, but I'm not a porn star, you know, Listen, it'd be great if I was, but I, I'm. My style is very far from that, you know, And I think in today's age, the age of porn, where porn is more extreme and more accessible than ever, there's more pressure than ever to be like a porn star. And that applies to men and women, you know, it's. It applies to absolutely everyone. A lot of the sexual standards that I feel like we have in society today are based on porn. Even though we all know that porn is exaggerated and porn is an extreme, subconsciously, for whatever reason, we still sort of expect it from ourselves, we still sort of want to live up to that fantasy, you know, and it's incredibly harmful. It's Incredibly harmful because it is extreme, it is unrealistic, it is often not enjoyable. It is often not fun. Like, it's not. It's. It's entertainment. And I feel like the influence that porn has has completely destroyed our idea of what sex is. Right? Listen, there are some couples out there that might as well, like, start filming porn because it's like, it's up to that level, okay? And for some people, that's the vibe. But for majority of people, that is not the vibe. You know what I mean? It's just not. And it's completely fine. It's completely fine, okay? Normal, mellow, average sex can still be really good sex. And I know everybody at home is like, who is really, you know, maybe sexually advanced is laughing at me, like, yeah, Emma, that's what somebody says who's bad at sex. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. There are a lot of people that just want to have normal sex, okay? And want to do it really well. That's great. Okay? That is great. It's completely fine. And, you know, it's sort of like, I feel like we tend to forget that our sexual identity is a part of our identity as a whole, mainly because it's something that comes out in very private settings for the most part, and because it's something that not a lot of people see. And it's also like a very different side of us that's almost like, weirdly animalistic and like, not even, like you're almost in autopilot a lot of times when you're having sex. And so we tend to forget that it is a part of our identity. And what is one of the greatest pieces of advice anyone can give you about your identity? To own it, to be yourself. The same exact thing applies to sex. Be yourself. And if people don't like it, then they're not for you. You know, if you're dating somebody who maybe really loves to have freaky sex and they're not cool with, you know, you being a bit more chill, a bit more mellow, and you maybe not being down for their freaky stuff, then you're not compatible, and that's okay. I can guarantee that there's someone out there who also likes to have chill, mellow sex. And you both are going to have incredible sex together, okay? And everything's going to be okay. Sex is about, you know, a connection between two people, but it is also about having a good time, you know, and if you have a good time doing chill stuff, if you have a good time in missionary, stay There, you know, it's a classic for a reason. If you have fun having sex only in a bed, you don't want to have sex in the car, you don't want to have sex in the airplane bathroom. By the way, no one ever like, whoever really does that. I don't know, Mile High Club? Does that even exist? Probably not probably, but must be rare anyway, if you don't want to go out of your comfort zone, you don't have to. It's okay to know what you like and to stick to it. Is it fun to be adventurous sometimes? Sure. You know, Do I think it's a bad idea to try everything once? No. You know, I have tried stuff before and been like, I don't like that. I think if you're somebody who is a bit more mellow, you know, perhaps it's not a bad idea to try stuff every once in a while. But if you don't like it, you don't like it. And it's okay to be mellow. So. I'm sick of people feeling bad and myself even, I'm sick of myself feeling bad about not being this, like, fucking circus performer, like, doing contortionist backflips onto the wiener, you know? Like, I'm sick of, like, you know, not knowing how to tie my partner up into like, a crazy knot with a rope and swinging them from the ceiling. Like, I'm sick of, like, feeling like, oh, my God, should I be doing that? I don't know. I'm sick of feeling like, wow, I'm not really making that much noise in bed. I'm not, like, moaning and screaming at the top of my lungs. Should I be? No, I shouldn't be. Because that's not who I am. That's not who I am. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And that's not who you are either. And it's okay. Vanilla sex is okay. Spread the word. Spread the hashtag.
- [38:46]
Sponsor Voice
This season, a new hot deal has arrived at Metro. $25 a line for four lines with all the data you need and four free Samsung Galaxy A15.5. Getting Metro's best deals is easy. No ID required, no activation fees. Get a new number or keep your own. It's up to you. That's four lines for 25 a line plus four free phones. Visit a store or go online today only at Metro Buy T Mobile when you join Metro. Plus tax for limited time and subject.
- [39:14]
Emma Chamberlain
To change max one offer per account. Okay, moving on. Somebody said, how do I tell my partner if he isn't Making me come when we are intimate. I don't want to fake an orgasm because I will keep having to do that. But I don't want him to be really self conscious. Girl, I have been here. Oh, have I been here before? Yeah, I have. I've been here before. I mean, it's hard for me to give advice on this without feeling like a hypocrite because I fully dated somebody once, and for the entire relationship, they never once made me come. Okay? And I never faked it. I never once faked it. But we also never talked about it. And to this day, I don't know if they think I was. I don't know what happened. I'm like, it's kind of wild to me. Like, in retrospect, I'm like, emma, what the fuck? Like, what? What are you doing, girl? What the heck? What a bummer. Like, that's a huge bummer. It was a catastrophe. And it was completely miserable. And this, like, you can still have, like, decent sex and not come from it, you know, especially as a woman, right? Because it's a bit tougher. It's a bit more complex down there. It's also a bit more complex emotionally, I think. It's a different. It's a different sort of situation and it requires a bit more communication, Right. Like, in terms of heterosexual sex, I think for the man it's a bit easier because it's just the act of sex itself makes the man come. Right. Whereas that's not always the case for women. Women need often a bit more, you know, they need a different type of attention, perhaps depending on the woman's anatomy. And I know I'm somebody that I've never in my life. TMI perhaps. Tmi perhaps. Should I say it? Should I say it? I'm scared I'm gonna say it. I've never in my life had an orgasm from sex. I haven't. I just don't think it's my anatomy. Or maybe I just haven't figured it out. But, yeah, I require a bit. Like, we all require a different type of attention. So, you know, it doesn't necessarily mean that your sex with your partner is bad. It doesn't mean that your partner is bad at sex necessarily. It might. It might mean that they're a bit inexperienced, they have no idea what they're doing. But it also might not. Right. I really am sad that, you know, it is so touchy and it is so insulting to tell, you know, your boyfriend, like, you're not making me come. Like, there's it sucks that there's this sort of stigma around it, that it's insulting to the man if he can't do it, because I like to give the men the benefit of the doubt, okay. That either your anatomy is different than any anatomy that they've dealt with before, or that they just don't have enough experience and they don't know what to do. And it is a little bit complicated, right? It is a bit more complicated. It sucks that it's so uncomfortable to have a conversation about it. And I've never been able to have a conversation about it. I've never been able to figure out a way to solve it. I went through an entire relationship and never fucking figured it out, you know? And so what would I do differently if I were to experience that again? Well, number one, I would be stressed out. I would be stressed out because this is a stressful thing. Like, I. It is very stressful. Even though I feel like I'm older and wiser now than I was when that happened to me and I was in that relationship, I still now putting myself back in my old shoes, I'm like, oh, God, it's so uncomfortable. I honestly understand not wanting to just sit down and have a conversation about it. Listen, is that ideal? In a lot of ways, yes. Because being able to just sit down and fucking be like, listen, I need to teach you how to make me come. Because it's a little complicated, and, like, everybody's body is different, and, like, the female anatomy varies, and, like, I need to show you what I like, you know? And here's how it works, and let's get on the same page. Is that ideal? Sure. But I do understand that it's a bit challenging, especially if you've been with your partner now for, like, multiple months, potentially even years, and you're like, how do I bring up now after we've had sex hundreds of times that I've never come? It's almost like every time you have sex and you don't come, it gets worse, Right. It gets harder to bring up. It gets more awkward. It gets more confrontational. The risk of it hurting your partner's feelings gets higher. I really do think the best way, if I were to go back, okay. And do it all over again in that one particular relationship, I would have tried to have made it a hot thing during sex and been like, do a little more of that, buddy. Let's do a little bit more of that. Oh, and you just did that? Like, that more of that. I'm somebody who doesn't like to talk very much during sex. It's just not my thing. Every once in a while I'm sparing. So, you know, it would be out of my own comfort zone. But it's better than fucking starting a full conversation, being like, hey, buddy. Well, number one, never call your boyfriend buddy unless you want to absolutely destroy him mentally. It's just like, don't do that. But yeah, I mean, it's better than sitting down and having, like, a weird, awkward conversation about it where now, you know, they're, like, being faced with some really bad news, and it's just awkward. I think it's better to be like, oh, yeah, do it more like that. Or the only challenge is if your partner isn't, like, say, in the case of a heterosexual relationship, giving your head, you know? And sometimes if they're not going down there to do that, a lot of women, that's how we come, you know, that's how we get to have our moment. And some guys just don't really want to do it. Some guys just don't want to go down there. And they kind of have to if they want to make their girly pop come. And so perhaps there's like, during sex, you're like, maybe you ask. Or like, in a hot way, like, be like, hey, why don't you go down there? You know, it's. It's tough. It is tough. Or you could even make it, like, into a full. Like, maybe experiment with some role play. Okay. And to pretend to be teachers and teach each other. Maybe you could even start by being like, hey, why don't you teach me how to give you head? Why don't you teach me? You know, and then. And then you can be like, now let me teach you. Do you see what I'm saying? It's like a total trick. It's a total trick, but you win because you get to teach your boyfriend how to figure it out down there. You see what I'm saying? But my last suggestion is also try to figure out if there's a way that you can. I've heard this works for some women. Being on top, you can choose your own destiny in a way, and you're a bit more in control. I've never found that to work for me. I really just don't like being on top very much. It's okay, but it's not my favorite. And it also just, like, doesn't. Mainly because it, like, doesn't. I don't enjoy it. Like, my personal anatomy, it just has never worked that well. For me for some reason, I don't know. Anyway, but supposedly that can be something that works. So maybe try that hasn't worked for me, but could work for you. But I think the best idea is to like, pretend like you're like, be like, why don't you teach me how to do this? And then your boyfriend's gonna be like, well, you're already really good. And be like, no, I want to learn from you. And like, pretend to be like a sexy student. Not in like a creepy way, but like in like a year teaching me how to do this. And then, you know, it could be hot for you guys. Maybe try that. Okay, that's all I have for today. That's it. I'm done talking now. That is all of the advice that I have. And you know what? Now you give me advice, okay? Shoot me a little DM at Anything Goes machamberlain on all social media and just give me some fucking sex advice now. What should I do to be more of a sex symbol in my life? Okay, it's weird. Like, even when I wear like a risque outfit or something, I still don't feel like it's sexual. It's so weird. I don't know. It's so fascinating. They should study me scientifically. How can someone show tit but be so not sexual? I have to fart. See, I just farted. And that's like. That just adds to the non sexual lore. Anyways, okay, enough, enough, enough. I'm done. That's all for today. Thank you all for listening and hanging out. If you enjoyed it, tune in Thursdays and Sundays. I'm here talking to you. You can stream anywhere. You get podcasts or watch on Spotify and YouTube. Find Anything Goes on social media. Anything goes. Find me on social media machamberlain. And find my coffee company at. At Chamberlain Coffee. And find Chamberlain coffee online@chamberlaincoffee.com and in store at Target Sprouts, Whole Foods and some other ones. Go on the store locator online to find out if we're in a store near you. That's all I have for today. I had a lot of fun as always, and I truly love and appreciate you all. And I will be talking to you very, very, very soon in a few days. Don't miss me too much, baby. I'll be back. This is why I, like, can't again. I don't have sexual energy because I'm like. I'm like having sex and I'm like, actually, I'm not saying anything. Maybe that's the problem. No, but if I were to say something, I'd be like, omg. Like, wait. Like, this is, like, silly. Like, we're being silly right now. Oh, my God. Like, I feel like I have to fart a little. I'm, like, holding it in. Stop. Wait, can I, like, fart? And then I would, like, get up and, like, stop the sex and, like, get up and walk into the corner and fart. Because that's what I do once I get comfortable with my boyfriends, is that I don't fart, like, next to them. And I refuse to, like, let them. Like, I don't want to fart near them because, of course, there's just. That's just where I draw the line. Although sometimes, you know, we can't control it. But I like to get up and go into the corner of the room and fart in the corner of the room and then leave it there and then walk back. If I was truly being myself during sex, I'd start doing that shit during sex, and this is the problem. Or I would be like, oh, my God, Like. Like, if I got, like, flipped over or something, like, oh, my God. Hi again. Like, that's the vibe. It's a catastrophe. It's a catastrophe. Please give me, like, send me help. Send help. Send advice. Yeah, that's it. I'm done talking now. You probably know a little bit too much about me after this episode, but whatever. Okay, talk to you later. Bye.