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Emma Chamberlain (23:57)

Okay, next. Somebody said I want to have sex for the first time, but I can't decide if I'm ready or not. It feels like a big deal to me, but I don't want to be dramatic. How do I know if I'm ready? I feel like I've answered a question very similar to this in another advice session. But I ask you to forget if I ever have given advice. And hopefully my advice is even better now than it was in the past, but I can't remember. Maybe I never have given advice on it, to be honest. I don't think anyone ever feels 100% ready. So I would recommend that you let go of that expectation. Let go of the expectation that you're ever going to feel 100% prepared and ready. We're never 100% prepared and ready for something that we've never done before. You know what I mean? Like, the first time you skateboard, it's okay to be nervous because you've never done it before and you don't know what to do. If you've never done something before, you're not going to know what to expect. Like, it's completely normal to be like, I'm not ready. You know what I mean? You just never feel ready. What makes you feel ready for something is when you've done it before and you know exactly what to do. So this is a normal feeling. But let go of that expectation that you're ever going to feel 100% prepared, because I doubt that you will. And I also think, too, that another reason why we never feel ready is because it is a huge decision. It's okay to take this really seriously. You know, you're saying that it feels like a big deal to you, but you don't want to be dramatic. No, it's okay to be dramatic. It is a big deal. And I feel like we live in a time now where we're told that it's not that it doesn't matter. You know, have sex with whoever you want as much as you want. Who cares? It doesn't matter. It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't define you. All of these things, in a lot of ways, are true. But I do think that growing up hearing this rhetoric, you get this idea that if you take sex too seriously, it's because you're very reserved and you're very prude and this, this and that. And like, you know, this is a time where now, like, you know, say, virginity is not held as sacred. It just doesn't matter anymore. We live in more of a time of, I guess, sort of sexual liberation in a way. And I think, again, there's a lot of beauty to that. And I think that there's a lot of great that comes from that sort of philosophy. However, I do think that it also can be a bit damaging to young people who are feeling like, wait a minute, this is a big deal to me. Wait a minute. I don't want to just have sex with whoever I want. Like, wait a Minute, I kind of think this is a big deal. And I feel like that is one of the flaws with that sort of conversation that's happening in society and culture today. Okay. I don't know, because I experienced that. Like, I'm speaking directly from experience here. Growing up, I felt like everyone was celebrating having a lot of sex with a lot of different people. You know, Whereas when my parents were kids, for example, that was less the case. You know, it was more like being really selective and really careful was sort of, what was I guessing, maybe cool back then in some ways, definitely when my grandparents were kids. And I'm not saying either is good. I think both extremes sort of have negative impacts on young people's psyches. Right. When society is too strict about sex, a lot of guilt comes up. A lot of feeling of like, I'm impure because I did this, or like, I'm forever destroyed because I did this, or I've ruined my body from doing this. And I think that that's completely unhealthy. But also, when the rhetoric is like, sex is just this. It's. It can be this casual thing. It's so casual. It's so chill. It's chill. It's not that deep, y'all. It's so chill. That also is harmful, because for some people, that's true. And for some people, that's. That's not right. And so, I don't know, I think it can make people feel weird, myself included, when they do take this stuff seriously. And so I guess the purpose of this long winded rant is to tell you that it's okay to take it seriously. It is a big decision. It is something that you should really think about because you might be somebody who can have sex and it's no biggie, and you don't care, and it's chill. But chances are, you're probably not right. Sex is incredibly vulnerable. It's one of the most vulnerable things that you can do in life. And it's very normal to be deeply affected by the experience in either a positive or a negative way. And so now that hopefully you're allowing yourself to see this as a big decision, see this as something that should be critically thought about. How do you know if you're ready? Listen, as I said earlier, you're never gonna feel 100% ready. But I do think that there are a lot of signs that you are ready. Number one, you have someone to have sex with that makes you feel 100% comfortable and safe, who you can truly trust. I personally Think that this is really important. You know, I've had friends who have lost their virginity to, like, a completely random person. I think that that is fine and that works for some people, but I wouldn't recommend it because, again, sex is a really vulnerable thing. And it's even more vulnerable when it's your first time and you don't really know what you're doing. You ideally want to be with somebody who is going to take care of you, who is going to make you feel comfortable, who's going to teach you how it works, you know, so you want someone who you're familiar with, who perhaps you're even dating to help make the situation less intimidating and more comfortable and also more enjoyable. The other thing too is, you know, when you have sex for the first time, especially if you're a girl, it can be painful, it can be uncomfortable. You might not be able to, like, get right into it. And you need somebody who's patient with you because it just might not be like this super hot, sexy experience the first time. Next, you need to make sure that you are the one making this choice. Nobody else is impacting your decision making. Not your significant other, not your crush, not your friends, not society. This decision should be made for you. And that's really important because there are going to be a lot of pressures around you. Okay? People who want to have sex with you might be like, let's do it. Like, come on. You know, there might be pressure coming from there. There might be pressure coming from your friends. Maybe your friends have all had sex and you haven't, so now they're like, come on, like, you need to have sex too. Or perhaps the pressure could be coming from society. You know, like, again, there's sort of a norm of like, well, once you're at this age, you must have had sex by now, right? And maybe you're a little bit older than that. Maybe you're in your mid-20s. When it starts to become a bit less common for people to be a virgin. If you still want to be a virgin, if you haven't found the right person yet, all good. You have the whole rest of your life to have sex. All good. You know what I mean? Do it on your own time. Do it when you want to do it. Make sure that you're doing it for you, because that will ensure that you're as ready as you could possibly be. You're not ready if you're not making the decision for you and you end up doing it when you're not ready. And then you end up feeling like, oh my God, I feel weird. I don't. I wasn't ready, you know, I really wasn't ready. And last but not least, it sounds exciting to you. Yes, you're nervous. Yes, you're intimidated. Yes, it's a big deal. But more than anything, you're excited. You're like, okay, you know what? This is good. I really do want to do this. It's exciting. And exciting is like the main feeling that you're experiencing. It's a positive, exciting thing for the most part. There are always going to be fears and you're always going to be nervous, you know, but you're more excited than you are nervous. Okay, next. Somebody said, is it bad that I'm not a total freak in the bedroom? Lol. I feel like everyone I see loves having sex so much and my style is pretty mellow. It's hard not to be self conscious or feel like I won't be enough for my partner. I totally get this. I could not get this more. And I have spent so many years in relationships being like, oh my God, do I need to like watch more porn and study and figure out how to be crazy and like, you know, do a 360 helicopter spin on a pee and like, what do I need to learn? You know, what do I need to do? And I can't tell you how much this has tortured me. Okay? I totally get it because I'm the same way. Like, listen, not to like give you too much information, but like, I am the same way. I'm pretty mellow, I'm pretty chill. I'm not doing anything crazy. I'm also not, not into it though. It's not like I am bringing nothing to the table. I am aware that I bring things to the table, but I'm not a porn star, you know, Listen, it'd be great if I was, but I, I'm. My style is very far from that, you know, And I think in today's age, the age of porn, where porn is more extreme and more accessible than ever, there's more pressure than ever to be like a porn star. And that applies to men and women, you know, it's. It applies to absolutely everyone. A lot of the sexual standards that I feel like we have in society today are based on porn. Even though we all know that porn is exaggerated and porn is an extreme, subconsciously, for whatever reason, we still sort of expect it from ourselves, we still sort of want to live up to that fantasy, you know, and it's incredibly harmful. It's Incredibly harmful because it is extreme, it is unrealistic, it is often not enjoyable. It is often not fun. Like, it's not. It's. It's entertainment. And I feel like the influence that porn has has completely destroyed our idea of what sex is. Right? Listen, there are some couples out there that might as well, like, start filming porn because it's like, it's up to that level, okay? And for some people, that's the vibe. But for majority of people, that is not the vibe. You know what I mean? It's just not. And it's completely fine. It's completely fine, okay? Normal, mellow, average sex can still be really good sex. And I know everybody at home is like, who is really, you know, maybe sexually advanced is laughing at me, like, yeah, Emma, that's what somebody says who's bad at sex. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. There are a lot of people that just want to have normal sex, okay? And want to do it really well. That's great. Okay? That is great. It's completely fine. And, you know, it's sort of like, I feel like we tend to forget that our sexual identity is a part of our identity as a whole, mainly because it's something that comes out in very private settings for the most part, and because it's something that not a lot of people see. And it's also like a very different side of us that's almost like, weirdly animalistic and like, not even, like you're almost in autopilot a lot of times when you're having sex. And so we tend to forget that it is a part of our identity. And what is one of the greatest pieces of advice anyone can give you about your identity? To own it, to be yourself. The same exact thing applies to sex. Be yourself. And if people don't like it, then they're not for you. You know, if you're dating somebody who maybe really loves to have freaky sex and they're not cool with, you know, you being a bit more chill, a bit more mellow, and you maybe not being down for their freaky stuff, then you're not compatible, and that's okay. I can guarantee that there's someone out there who also likes to have chill, mellow sex. And you both are going to have incredible sex together, okay? And everything's going to be okay. Sex is about, you know, a connection between two people, but it is also about having a good time, you know, and if you have a good time doing chill stuff, if you have a good time in missionary, stay There, you know, it's a classic for a reason. If you have fun having sex only in a bed, you don't want to have sex in the car, you don't want to have sex in the airplane bathroom. By the way, no one ever like, whoever really does that. I don't know, Mile High Club? Does that even exist? Probably not probably, but must be rare anyway, if you don't want to go out of your comfort zone, you don't have to. It's okay to know what you like and to stick to it. Is it fun to be adventurous sometimes? Sure. You know, Do I think it's a bad idea to try everything once? No. You know, I have tried stuff before and been like, I don't like that. I think if you're somebody who is a bit more mellow, you know, perhaps it's not a bad idea to try stuff every once in a while. But if you don't like it, you don't like it. And it's okay to be mellow. So. I'm sick of people feeling bad and myself even, I'm sick of myself feeling bad about not being this, like, fucking circus performer, like, doing contortionist backflips onto the wiener, you know? Like, I'm sick of, like, you know, not knowing how to tie my partner up into like, a crazy knot with a rope and swinging them from the ceiling. Like, I'm sick of, like, feeling like, oh, my God, should I be doing that? I don't know. I'm sick of feeling like, wow, I'm not really making that much noise in bed. I'm not, like, moaning and screaming at the top of my lungs. Should I be? No, I shouldn't be. Because that's not who I am. That's not who I am. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And that's not who you are either. And it's okay. Vanilla sex is okay. Spread the word. Spread the hashtag.

Sponsor Voice (38:46)

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Emma Chamberlain (39:13)

To change max one offer per account. Okay, moving on. Somebody said, how do I tell my partner if he isn't Making me come when we are intimate. I don't want to fake an orgasm because I will keep having to do that. But I don't want him to be really self conscious. Girl, I have been here. Oh, have I been here before? Yeah, I have. I've been here before. I mean, it's hard for me to give advice on this without feeling like a hypocrite because I fully dated somebody once, and for the entire relationship, they never once made me come. Okay? And I never faked it. I never once faked it. But we also never talked about it. And to this day, I don't know if they think I was. I don't know what happened. I'm like, it's kind of wild to me. Like, in retrospect, I'm like, emma, what the fuck? Like, what? What are you doing, girl? What the heck? What a bummer. Like, that's a huge bummer. It was a catastrophe. And it was completely miserable. And this, like, you can still have, like, decent sex and not come from it, you know, especially as a woman, right? Because it's a bit tougher. It's a bit more complex down there. It's also a bit more complex emotionally, I think. It's a different. It's a different sort of situation and it requires a bit more communication, Right. Like, in terms of heterosexual sex, I think for the man it's a bit easier because it's just the act of sex itself makes the man come. Right. Whereas that's not always the case for women. Women need often a bit more, you know, they need a different type of attention, perhaps depending on the woman's anatomy. And I know I'm somebody that I've never in my life. TMI perhaps. Tmi perhaps. Should I say it? Should I say it? I'm scared I'm gonna say it. I've never in my life had an orgasm from sex. I haven't. I just don't think it's my anatomy. Or maybe I just haven't figured it out. But, yeah, I require a bit. Like, we all require a different type of attention. So, you know, it doesn't necessarily mean that your sex with your partner is bad. It doesn't mean that your partner is bad at sex necessarily. It might. It might mean that they're a bit inexperienced, they have no idea what they're doing. But it also might not. Right. I really am sad that, you know, it is so touchy and it is so insulting to tell, you know, your boyfriend, like, you're not making me come. Like, there's it sucks that there's this sort of stigma around it, that it's insulting to the man if he can't do it, because I like to give the men the benefit of the doubt, okay. That either your anatomy is different than any anatomy that they've dealt with before, or that they just don't have enough experience and they don't know what to do. And it is a little bit complicated, right? It is a bit more complicated. It sucks that it's so uncomfortable to have a conversation about it. And I've never been able to have a conversation about it. I've never been able to figure out a way to solve it. I went through an entire relationship and never fucking figured it out, you know? And so what would I do differently if I were to experience that again? Well, number one, I would be stressed out. I would be stressed out because this is a stressful thing. Like, I. It is very stressful. Even though I feel like I'm older and wiser now than I was when that happened to me and I was in that relationship, I still now putting myself back in my old shoes, I'm like, oh, God, it's so uncomfortable. I honestly understand not wanting to just sit down and have a conversation about it. Listen, is that ideal? In a lot of ways, yes. Because being able to just sit down and fucking be like, listen, I need to teach you how to make me come. Because it's a little complicated, and, like, everybody's body is different, and, like, the female anatomy varies, and, like, I need to show you what I like, you know? And here's how it works, and let's get on the same page. Is that ideal? Sure. But I do understand that it's a bit challenging, especially if you've been with your partner now for, like, multiple months, potentially even years, and you're like, how do I bring up now after we've had sex hundreds of times that I've never come? It's almost like every time you have sex and you don't come, it gets worse, Right. It gets harder to bring up. It gets more awkward. It gets more confrontational. The risk of it hurting your partner's feelings gets higher. I really do think the best way, if I were to go back, okay. And do it all over again in that one particular relationship, I would have tried to have made it a hot thing during sex and been like, do a little more of that, buddy. Let's do a little bit more of that. Oh, and you just did that? Like, that more of that. I'm somebody who doesn't like to talk very much during sex. It's just not my thing. Every once in a while I'm sparing. So, you know, it would be out of my own comfort zone. But it's better than fucking starting a full conversation, being like, hey, buddy. Well, number one, never call your boyfriend buddy unless you want to absolutely destroy him mentally. It's just like, don't do that. But yeah, I mean, it's better than sitting down and having, like, a weird, awkward conversation about it where now, you know, they're, like, being faced with some really bad news, and it's just awkward. I think it's better to be like, oh, yeah, do it more like that. Or the only challenge is if your partner isn't, like, say, in the case of a heterosexual relationship, giving your head, you know? And sometimes if they're not going down there to do that, a lot of women, that's how we come, you know, that's how we get to have our moment. And some guys just don't really want to do it. Some guys just don't want to go down there. And they kind of have to if they want to make their girly pop come. And so perhaps there's like, during sex, you're like, maybe you ask. Or like, in a hot way, like, be like, hey, why don't you go down there? You know, it's. It's tough. It is tough. Or you could even make it, like, into a full. Like, maybe experiment with some role play. Okay. And to pretend to be teachers and teach each other. Maybe you could even start by being like, hey, why don't you teach me how to give you head? Why don't you teach me? You know, and then. And then you can be like, now let me teach you. Do you see what I'm saying? It's like a total trick. It's a total trick, but you win because you get to teach your boyfriend how to figure it out down there. You see what I'm saying? But my last suggestion is also try to figure out if there's a way that you can. I've heard this works for some women. Being on top, you can choose your own destiny in a way, and you're a bit more in control. I've never found that to work for me. I really just don't like being on top very much. It's okay, but it's not my favorite. And it also just, like, doesn't. Mainly because it, like, doesn't. I don't enjoy it. Like, my personal anatomy, it just has never worked that well. For me for some reason, I don't know. Anyway, but supposedly that can be something that works. So maybe try that hasn't worked for me, but could work for you. But I think the best idea is to like, pretend like you're like, be like, why don't you teach me how to do this? And then your boyfriend's gonna be like, well, you're already really good. And be like, no, I want to learn from you. And like, pretend to be like a sexy student. Not in like a creepy way, but like in like a year teaching me how to do this. And then, you know, it could be hot for you guys. Maybe try that. Okay, that's all I have for today. That's it. I'm done talking now. That is all of the advice that I have. And you know what? Now you give me advice, okay? Shoot me a little DM at Anything Goes machamberlain on all social media and just give me some fucking sex advice now. What should I do to be more of a sex symbol in my life? Okay, it's weird. Like, even when I wear like a risque outfit or something, I still don't feel like it's sexual. It's so weird. I don't know. It's so fascinating. They should study me scientifically. How can someone show tit but be so not sexual? I have to fart. See, I just farted. And that's like. That just adds to the non sexual lore. Anyways, okay, enough, enough, enough. I'm done. That's all for today. Thank you all for listening and hanging out. If you enjoyed it, tune in Thursdays and Sundays. I'm here talking to you. You can stream anywhere. You get podcasts or watch on Spotify and YouTube. Find Anything Goes on social media. Anything goes. Find me on social media machamberlain. And find my coffee company at. At Chamberlain Coffee. And find Chamberlain coffee online@chamberlaincoffee.com and in store at Target Sprouts, Whole Foods and some other ones. Go on the store locator online to find out if we're in a store near you. That's all I have for today. I had a lot of fun as always, and I truly love and appreciate you all. And I will be talking to you very, very, very soon in a few days. Don't miss me too much, baby. I'll be back. This is why I, like, can't again. I don't have sexual energy because I'm like. I'm like having sex and I'm like, actually, I'm not saying anything. Maybe that's the problem. No, but if I were to say something, I'd be like, omg. Like, wait. Like, this is, like, silly. Like, we're being silly right now. Oh, my God. Like, I feel like I have to fart a little. I'm, like, holding it in. Stop. Wait, can I, like, fart? And then I would, like, get up and, like, stop the sex and, like, get up and walk into the corner and fart. Because that's what I do once I get comfortable with my boyfriends, is that I don't fart, like, next to them. And I refuse to, like, let them. Like, I don't want to fart near them because, of course, there's just. That's just where I draw the line. Although sometimes, you know, we can't control it. But I like to get up and go into the corner of the room and fart in the corner of the room and then leave it there and then walk back. If I was truly being myself during sex, I'd start doing that shit during sex, and this is the problem. Or I would be like, oh, my God, Like. Like, if I got, like, flipped over or something, like, oh, my God. Hi again. Like, that's the vibe. It's a catastrophe. It's a catastrophe. Please give me, like, send me help. Send help. Send advice. Yeah, that's it. I'm done talking now. You probably know a little bit too much about me after this episode, but whatever. Okay, talk to you later. Bye.