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A (7:20)

So I contemplated about it for a while and I sort of talked to the group and, you know, part of the group was like, no, like, stay with us. We're going to hang out. We're going to watch TV and, like, chill and do face masks and be comfortable or whatever. And then the small part of the group that was going to, you know, take a skiing lesson was like, come on. Like, we're going to take a skiing lesson. Like, you'll be safe with us. We're going to be on the bunny hill. It's going to be easy, it's going to be safe. It's going to be fun. And then the group who is experienced is like, it's going to be amazing. You're going to learn, and then you're going to be able to come with us. And I'm like. And I could not decide, but I eventually decided, fuck it, I'm going to go. I'm gonna do it. Yeah, I'm gonna do it. And so the next day was the day of the skiing lesson. Okay. And, you know, we go to a ski shop, rent all of the equipment, and I'm like, I'm starting to get nervous. Okay. Cause I'm like, I'm picking up the skis, I'm trying on the boots, and I'm like, this stuff is really heavy, and it's really hard to, like, move around in this stuff. I'm a little nervous about, like, my mobility. Like, am I going to be able to, like, control my body with this stuff? And so my anxiety is starting to build. But, you know, I comfort myself with the idea, like, hey, I'm not the only one who has no idea what's going on. And we're going to take a lesson, so we're going to learn. And, you know, I see a bunch of kids around. There's kids in the ski shop. I saw kids walking around in the morning just around town. I'm like, there's kids doing this. Like, Emma, you fucking got this. Like, it's all good. So we pack everything into the car, we go to the ski hill, and we meet up with our instructor. And this instructor is just so sweet. Okay, he's just, like, a sweet dude, right? He's, like, probably 50. Sweet guy, right? Like, just not intimidating at all. Chill guy. I'm like, this is great. You know, the worst thing is when you have some sort of instructor and you're really new at something and the instructor is, like, hot. Like, I'm not saying like, hot. Like, oh, I'm interested. That's actually kind of incredible when, like, an instructor is hot and you're single and you like. But no, I just mean, like, hot in general, right? Not even necessarily somebody that I'm attracted to, but just somebody who's hot and cool. That is not ideal for learning. When I'm learning something. I want to not care about what this person is thinking of me. And this person was so that. Okay, he's just like, he could be my uncle. He actually felt like, yeah, he felt like an uncle. And I was like, this is great. And for the first, like, 30 minutes of the lesson, we are doing stuff that, to me, makes no sense. We're, like, learning how to, like, jump while wearing the ski boots, which, like, I get, you know, it's like, all, like, understanding mobility and, like, how to move and stuff. But I was impatient. I was like, oh, my God, I feel like I'm not learning enough. How is this going to prepare me to, like, go up on the mountain? And meanwhile, while we're doing these, like, really odd, minor movements, like jumping around with the ski boots on or, like, clicking in and out of the skis 50 times to make sure that we know how to do it, I'm watching experienced skiers and snowboarders go up on the ski lift and just absolutely be so far off the ground that if they fell, they would die. They would absolutely die immediately. And if they survived, it would be a medical miracle. Okay? And I'm watching that, and I'm watching people not even pull down the safety bar and just be sitting there willy nilly. And I'm starting to feel a pit in my stomach. But I'm like, you know what? This lesson is going to prepare me to the point where I feel ready to go on the ski lift. So I keep the, you know, the attitude positive, but I start to get frustrated very quickly because as we're doing these, like, small, minor little exercises, clicking the shoe in and out of the. Out of the ski and, like, you know, balancing on one foot for, like, a minute to see if we could do it. I started to struggle with these minor little actions, and I was like, I'm fucked. I'm fucked. How am I supposed to ever get to a point today where I can even go down an adult mountain? You know, how am I gonna get to that point if I can't do these little warmups? And so my attitude starts to shift a little bit, and I keep it together. I'm not, like, being an asshole completely, but, like, I get a little quiet. I'm like, I'm. I'm scared. Everyone else in the group is seemingly feeling less nervous than me. Like, they're excited about the ski lift. They're excited about all that. They're not afraid. They're not as anxious as me, you know, so eventually we start going down bunny Hills, okay? And the first few times it was a catastrophe. Okay? The instructor's explaining, you know, how it works. Like, in order to slow down, you want to put, you know, the top tips of the skis together and the back tips of the skis out in the shape of like a triangle or a pizza or whatever. And that's how you control your speed. Like, that's how you go slow. That was self explanatory enough, but the first handful of times that I went down, I needed him to be skiing backwards right in front of me to prevent me from like, I don't know, just like barreling down the bunny hill. It was just a mess, okay? It was a mess. And I kept slipping and like, like kind of like almost falling. It was just not good. And I was clearly not a natural. Meanwhile, there's like 7 year olds around me who are just so good. And I was like, all right, I don't know how this is going to go. And if something doesn't click for me soon, like, I'm screwed. Meanwhile, some people in the group, you know, more rebellious members of the group who are taking the ski lesson are like, fuck this, I'm just going to go, okay? So some people just leave the ski lesson and just start going up with the experienced skiers in our friend group and snowboarders. But a few of us stay back and continue. And I'm really the only one that's nervous in. My anxiety only gets worse and worse because I'm not like learning at the pace that I feel like I need to, to be able to meet up with the group, to go down the mountain for real at some point that day, you know, so we practice, we go down the bunny hill again and again. And finally I start to get it. Like, I don't need the instructor to be there anymore. I'm actually like doing pretty well. And then, you know, he explains how to do turns and, you know, weaving back and forth. And that actually comes pretty easily to me. And I'm like, wait a minute. I think it clicked. I think I'm an incredible skier now. So I start to feel more confident and I start to get sort of excited. I'm like, all right, you know what? It's a little frightening, It's a little scary, but I can do this alone, you know, Like, I don't need him anymore. It's okay. And so it was almost lunchtime and my whole friend group was like, hey, we should do one run all together down the mountain before lunch. And so I was like, you Know what? Fuck yeah. Like, I think I'm ready. Let's do it. And the instructor was gonna come with us, and so I was like, let's do this thing. So we get in line to get on the ski lift and I start having a panic attack, absolute panic attack, okay? And I'm shaking and I'm telling the instructor, I'm like, I don't think I can do it. And he's like, you can totally do it. It's totally fine. And then I'm telling my friends, I'm like, you guys. And mind you, some of these friends I've only met like once, right? So it's not like these are people that I'm comfortable with having a panic attack in front of. These are people that do not know me like that. They don't need to see that. However, here I am starting to have a panic attack and some members of the group are like, don't go. Like, just don't go. You know, it's all good. And then some are like, come on, you've made it this far. Like you just got to do it. And I was like, fuck, you know what? I made it this far. I came out, I rented the skis, like, I did the whole thing. I need to go down the mountain just once. And the instructor reassured me, like, we're going down the easiest one. It's a little bit long. It's like a two mile run, which is a bit longer than normal, but you know it's going to be okay. And I'm like, yeah, but I don't know how to go on the ski lift. Like, I don't, I don't understand it. What if I fall? What if I trip? What if it pushes me over? He's like, you'll be totally fine. Like, you know, it moves slower than you think. You'll be able to get on safely. We'll bring down the bar. He's like reassuring me, reassuring me, reassuring me. And I'm starting to cry and I'm like, fuck, Emma, you can't start crying. You just have to fucking go improve to yourself that you do it. You can't cry. You're not, you're. There are seven year olds going on the ski lift, like laughing like you are a 23 year old woman. Hold it fucking together, okay? We need to hold it together. So I'm choking down my tears. I really just want to explode with tears and just start crying. But I'm holding it together, holding it together. And I'm like almost in shock as I'M like, gliding over to the ski lift and getting in line to get on. And I get into position. I'm shaking, okay? I literally. I'm so dissociated at this point. I literally don't. I feel like I'm dreaming. Like, I feel like I need to pinch myself and make sure I'm, like, actually a real human being and that this is actually happening. That's how bad I was panicking. And it swoops me up and I look down, and within six seconds, I'm so far off the ground that if I fell in that moment, I would die. And I start screaming, like, crying, okay? Crying. And I hold onto the arm of my instructor. I felt so bad. Like, this is. I didn't ask permission if I was allowed to, like, but I was so frightened like a child that I start bawling. I grab his arm and I'm like, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so scared. He's like, it's totally fine. It's totally fine. Everything's fine. I start sob, gushing, gushing tears, okay? Meanwhile, two of the friends in the friend group are on the ski lift with me. One who was in the lesson with me and one other friend who's more experienced. We've hung out multiple times, okay? We're totally friends, but they don't know me like that. You know what I'm saying? Like, I don't cry in front of my best friends like that even. I've never cried like that in front of my best friends. And now suddenly, I am bawling, bawling snot running down my face like a fucking seven year old. And I. I'm kind of enjoying it, though, at the same time, like, I'm freaking out, okay? Realizing how afraid I am of heights, you know? It's all coming to me. This episode is brought to you by Hulu. Buckle up, everybody, because the Kardashians are back. The new season of the Kardashians is now streaming on Hulu. I have been watching the Kardashians since I was a kid, okay? I grew up with this family, okay? I always want to know what they're doing. And in this new season, Kim is juggling multiple businesses and her blooming acting career. Chloe revisits old feelings, and the family members support one another through their personal journeys. And as always, it's full of fame, family, and fun. You won't want to miss it. 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Visit the website for full terms and conditions. But I'm also kind of like, wow, this is beautiful. But I'm also like, I'm gonna die, and this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. And I can't believe I have to go all the way down, and this is just a catastrophe. And I asked the instructor, I'm like, is this normal? You know, like, does this happen to everyone? He's like, don't worry about that. I'm like, fuck this. Like, I'm literally probably the first student he's ever had who's had a mental breakdown. But, you know, I realized in that moment how truly terrifying the concept of skiing is to me. Every element of it taps into one of my biggest fears. Okay, number one, the fear of heights. I wasn't always afraid of heights, but as I've gotten older, my fear of heights has gotten worse. And I struggle with flying on the plane. You know, I go through phases where it's like, I literally. It is just really hard for me. Then I have phases where I get over it. I teeter back and forth. You know, it's something I'm working on, but I definitely struggle with it. You know, I have no interest in, like, skydiving. I never have. That's just terrifying to me. Like, that's not, like, a fun, you know, life goal, life activity. Like, oh, my God, once in a lifetime bucket list. Gotta go. Gotta skydive. Like, no, thanks. I hate heights. Okay. But I also hate things that are unnecessarily dangerous. And skiing, snowboarding, all of these things are very dangerous. There is so much risk for injury. The risk for injury is very high. You could run into a tree. You could get hit by another skier or snowboarder. You could, I don't know, get frostbite. I don't fucking know. But, like, a lot of bad things can happen. And I am somebody who really deeply fears injury. Like, I'm very afraid of injury, okay. And I'm pretty paranoid about it. But another thing about me is that I'm really particular about my body and how my body feels. Like, I'm very sensitive about how things feel on my body, okay? So a good example of that would be when I was a kid, I was really particular about my socks, specifically the seam on top of the toe on a sock, because I was very focused on that sensation on my foot. Like, if it was not right, if it was poking me or digging into my skin, like, that really bothered me. I've always been really particular about the tags in my clothes. If there's an itchy tag in my clothes, can't do it, have to cut it out. I cut out pretty much every single tag in every single piece of clothing that I wear. I've always preferred participating in sports that require less clothing. Like, I like doing physical activity in less clothing. And I'll give you an example of that. I grew up doing cheerleading. In gymnastics. You wear, you know, very aerodynamic, limited clothing for those sports because that's what makes the most sense versus, you know, lacrosse or surfing. Those things have always been a bit more challenging for me because I don't like having gear on me. I don't like the feeling of holding a lacrosse stick and wearing a lacrosse mask and having a mouth guard in and wearing knee pads and having all this stuff on my body. Like, I don't feel comfortable like that. It's hard for me to focus. It makes me feel claustrophobic and anxious. Same thing with, you know, like, a wetsuit. Like, I've always hated putting on a wetsuit. And, you know, recently I tried surfing with my dad within the last probably six months. And I got a really thick wetsuit. Super thick. It's great because once it's on, it keeps you warm. But getting that thing on and off, I actually couldn't do it alone, okay? I had to have someone help because, like, it was so tight and so sucked onto my body. And I had a really hard time with that. Like, I remember the first day I was trying to get the wetsuit off after I had surfed with my dad. I was in the shower, water running. I'm sitting on the ground, I'm trying to get the strap over my head, and I physically, like, couldn't do it. It was too tight. I was using every single ounce of strength that I Had. And I'm not weak, okay. I feel like I'm actually pretty strong, you know what I mean? Couldn't get it over my head. And I just started crying because the feeling of, like, being stuck, I can't handle it. It really, really bothers me. So anyway, I went off on that long tangent to sort of express to you how much I don't like the feeling of having clothes on my body, equipment on my body, things like that that aren't ergonomic don't feel human. You know, I prefer things that feel comfortable or even non existent. And skiing requires some of the most uncomfortable clothing and equipment that you could ever imagine. Okay, you can barely move when you're wearing, you know, a whole snow suit and then you're wearing the skis like you can't move. So all of this is dawning on me while I'm on the ski lift. Holy fuck. This is my nightmare. Every single thing about this I hate. But at the same time, I'm like, I want to like it. I want to like it so bad because I've always wanted to be able to do it. I've always wanted to be able to go on the ski trips with people. I love hanging out in the ski town. You know, maybe one day I would love to make a tradition out of coming to a ski town every winter. Like, I've always wanted to, you know, participate in that. And I've never fully been able to because I've never been able to participate in the winter sports. So I, you know, I motivated myself by thinking about how satisfying it would be if I did like it. You know, like, oh, so many beautiful things would come from liking it. So let me just try to like it. And more importantly than that, let me just try to get down the fucking hill. Because I'm on my way to the top and there's only one way down, so I'm gonna need to figure it out. The ski lift pushes us off. I get off successfully, which is kind of impressive, honestly, because the way you get off the ski lift, if you've never skied before, is it like, kind of just spits you out onto, like a very small little hill and then you ride it down. So, like, you just kind of stand up and start going. Like, you start skiing immediately. Which makes sense. Like, that's smart. But I don't know, if you've never skied before, it's kind of challenging to just start like that. Um, but I did that successfully. And I was like, huh, okay, that's pretty good. And then I slowly start going the mountain. And for the first, like, I don't know, 10 minutes, I was going pretty slow, but I was actually starting to get it. Like, I was like. Had my skis going straight, and then, like, had them, like, turning in and then out and then in and out. And I was like, I'm kind of, like, weaving my way along here. I'm kind of picking up some speed, like, maybe this is great. And then it starts to get a little bit steeper. And my instructor tells me, you know, Emma, you want to ski back and forth in an S shape, right? So, like, ski to the right and then ski to the left by turning right. And that's the most effective way to slow down when going down a more steep hill. Right? The method of slowing down that he had taught us earlier, which is, you know, putting your skis in, like, a triangle shape, kind of sticking out your heels and putting your toes together. You know, that helps with smaller hills, but when you start to get to the slightly steeper stuff, it's better to weave like that. I really struggle with this. Okay? I was good at turning earlier, but I wasn't turning, like, back and forth and back and forth. Meanwhile, I'm completely overwhelmed because there are people bombing the fucking hill, going down at an alarming rate. And meanwhile, I'm, like, swerving back and forth at, like, 3 miles per hour and getting into people's way. And he's like, don't worry about them. They know what they're doing. It's all good. And I'm like, no, this is a horrible. None of these people are professional. We have no idea what they're doing. One of them is going to run into me. So I'm starting to get really upset and scared, and that's when I start falling. Okay, I start falling a lot because I just start losing control. It's getting steeper. It's getting harder for me to do the sort of S turns that he's telling me to do. And I just start falling a lot. And every time I fall, I feel my knees bending in a way that, to me, feels a little bit too close to a snap. Okay. Falling with skis on, like, they're heavy. They get caught on stuff. I kept bending my knees in, like, completely unnatural ways every time, like, really hurting my knees. And I'm like, I'm not going to get down this mountain with my kneecaps intact. Like, I'm going to lose a kneecap by the time I get to the bottom. So that really starts to upset me, but also the fact that I'm like wearing all this equipment and I'm falling and then I'm trying to get up. It's like my fucking nightmare. I have a mental breakdown, start crying again, sobbing. All of a sudden, I just start sobbing. I'm like, I don't know how I'm ever going to get down. And meanwhile, like, I ask, like, how much further do we have to go? We had gone a quarter of the way. No, not even at that point. We had gone less than a quarter. We had gone like a tenth of the way, okay? It was. We had so long to go. And the entire rest of the way down the ski mountain, okay? My ski instructor is ahead of me, sort of guiding me. People are zooming around me. I am at this point uncontrollably crying, okay? Inconsolable. At this point, you know, my friends are passing, they're like, go, Emma, good job. Won't talk to them. I'm like, I can't even talk to these people. I love everyone, but don't fucking talk to me. Don't even look at me until I'm down this goddamn mountain. This is my nightmare. I am living. This is my personal hell. And it's not going to end for another 30 minutes probably. @ minimum. Like, I truly felt trapped. And you know when, like, you're not supposed to laugh, but then you start laughing and then for some reason you can't stop. But you know you shouldn't be laughing. That's exactly what happened to me. But with crying, okay, I know I shouldn't be crying. There are 11 year olds just rushing past me and their parents are looking at me like, why is this 23 year old woman sobbing and my 11 year old is just bombing the hill like a savage, you know, like, what is happening? What went wrong for this poor child? Adult child, what went wrong? Uh, good question. It was one of the longest, I don't know, 45 minutes of my life. And every minute that went by got worse because the ski hill was not getting any less steep. In fact, the opposite was happening. It was only getting steeper. And so with every minute that passes, it was getting harder for me to continue standing, to not start going super fast, to not fall. And I was inconsolable. Snot running down my face, tears running down my face. You know, my knees were like shaking, okay? And in this moment, I'm thinking to myself, what am I going to learn from this? You know, like, is this really, like, like, is this empowering? I was like facing your fears, doing things that are hard. At what point is challenging yourself just like almost like self abuse, right? Like at what point is it self harm in a way? Why did I make this decision? Like, I knew I wasn't going to like it and I knew that everything about it tapped into some of my, my biggest fears. Why am I doing it? Am I even doing it to face the fear? Not really. I'm doing it because I'm jealous of other people who enjoy it. But like, my, my likelihood, my chances of enjoying this are slim to none. Like everything I know about myself contradicts the decision to ski. And yet I did it anyway. And why, like, is anything positive gonna come out of this? Or was this just sort of an act of negligence and self harm in a way? You know, negligence by not paying attention to myself and what I like and what I don't like and doing something just because I'm jealous that other people find joy in it and I wish I did too. And self harm by being like, eh, you're gonna hate all this stuff, but do it anyway and stop being a baby and learn a thing or two along the way. Like just fucking do it, idiot. Like that kind of sort of self harm in a way. This episode is brought to you by Mentos Gum. Keeping things fresh. It's important, right? And I'm not just talking about fresh breath.

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A (33:15)

I remember seeing the end finally coming around a corner and looking down the mountain and seeing the end. But in front of me before the end was the steepest part of the hill yet I barely even remember the last like 5, 10 minutes of the ski run because I was crying so hard. But I do remember getting to the bottom and being so happy. I was like, I cannot believe the side of myself that just came out. Like, I cannot believe what a weakness this, you know, brought out in me. I'm somebody who I would say is really good at staying composed for the most part, I think, when faced with chaos, despite being a really anxious person by nature, I am actually quite proud of my ability to stay level headed. I feel like I keep my cool mainly for the sake of other people, right? Like, I don't want to burden other people with my own chaos when chaos is already happening or when chaos is not happening. And I just don't want to damper the mood, right? Like, listen, there are moments in life when we need to explode, right? And sometimes that's necessary. But for the most part, I like to keep it cool. Not because I'm trying to be cool, but just because I think it's a healthy approach to try to keep it together and handle things with strength and grace and maturity. And I feel like, for the most part, I do that. And that's something that I'm really proud of. But that all went out the fucking window on the ski hill, okay? That all went out the window. All the grace, all the tact, all the maturity, fucking out the window. And to be honest, I was completely mortified. I was like, I am a pathetic baby. Like, all I did was go down the ski hill. What the fuck is going on? And that's kind of where the story ends, you know, I took off all my equipment immediately after, threw it in the car and drove as fast as I could away from that goddamn ski mountain, okay? And I went back to the house that we were all staying in and I told everyone my story. We all had a laugh about it. And then I forgot until today when I was eating my yogurt bowl. And, you know, I'm still sort of trying to figure out what I learned from this. I'm not quite sure yet. But one positive that came out of it immediately was I'm definitely never gonna go skiing again. And I don't think that that's necessarily like a negative thing or a pessimistic thing. It's not like I hate it and I'm never doing it again. It's clear that I don't like it, right? And I don't think that there's a reason to try to force myself to get to a point where I do like it. I'm glad that I tried It. And I pushed myself to the limit to try to like it because it showed me that I really don't like it. And there is sort of something freeing about that, because now, in the future, I'm not gonna look at other people skiing and snowboarding and say, oh, my God, like, I wish I was out there with them, you know? I wish I could. I wanna try it. Maybe I should try it. Maybe I should learn. Maybe I'm gonna learn. No, I'm not. And you know what? That's okay. That is okay. And I do still have a bit of envy for people who enjoy it and love it. But there's also things that I enjoy and I love that other people don't enjoy and don't love, and they wish that they enjoyed and loved it. Like, I love hot yoga, okay? I fucking love it. I'm, like, obsessed with it right now. There are so many people that have the same response to skiing, to hot yoga. Meanwhile, I love it. I love the challenge. My body likes it. I've been doing, you know, cheerleading and gymnastics since I was young, so I, like, am a bit more flexible. Like, my body just likes it, and I. I get it, and it works for me, you know? But there are so many people that, like, would do anything to be able to do it. And so it's like, I guess one positive epiphany that came from the experience was kind of letting go of the desire to participate in that, but also, like, considering in the future, like, hey, it's good to try everything once, right? And I'm glad I did that with skiing. But I don't know, like, it's also okay to be like, you know what? I don't want to try that because I know myself and I know I'll hate it. I don't know. I'm still figuring it out anyway, you guys. I don't know. Okay, tell me what you think I learned from this. What do you think I learned from this? Maybe I learned nothing. But maybe the fact that I got through it helped build a little bit of self esteem inside of me. Maybe it didn't, though. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Anyway, so that's my mortifying skiing story. Moral of the story is, I'm never skiing again, ever. But I will be returning to a ski mountain because I do love hanging out at a ski mountain. So you will catch me shopping around in the little ski town, but you will not catch me on the ski lift ever again. I wish that I could Sit here and say, you guys face your fears because it will make your life so much better. But I can't say that about everything. You know, I could say that about, you know, having a fear of flying in planes, right? Like, I'm so frightened of flying in planes. However, it's so important for me as a person, for my career, and for my own sense of adventure in this life to get on a goddamn plane and travel. So I push myself to do it anyway. And I face that fear. And that is sort of somewhat empowering. And for brief periods, it actually does sort of help alleviate the fear. But I've noticed, at least with, say, my fear of flying, the fear does come back. So it's sort of this constant battle. And maybe I'll get over it one day. I probably will. But right now, it's sort of a battle, okay? But I face that fear all the time because it's crucial that I do. Facing the fear of skiing, I'm not quite sure what I gained from it. So, yeah, I don't have some sort of, like, beautiful theme for you, beautiful life lesson for you. I just have an embarrassing story about me crying on the ski hill, and that's all I have for today. But you know what? I started the year at such a low, vulnerable point, man, things better be looking up. Maybe I started my year releasing all of my weakness and fear and perhaps immaturity so that for the rest of the year, I could be a fucking baddie, okay? I could be a badass and handle things with grace and tact and maturity. Oh, now I'm remembering all the other times I've had a mental breakdown already this year, so I don't think that that worked out. Anyway, that's all I have for today. Okay? That's it. If you wanted more from me, too bad. That's what you get today. Hey, you know what? I hope you all enjoyed this story and if you did, tune in to Anything Goes every Thursday and Sunday. Available anywhere you stream podcasts and available with video on Spotify and YouTube. If you want to watch me talk, follow Anything Goes on social media at Anything Goes. Follow me as a person on social media, machamberlain. Follow my company, Chamberlain Coffee at Chamberlain Coffee, and find Chamberlain Coffee online@chamberlain coffee.com and find Chamberlain Coffee in stores, in sprouts, Whole Foods, Target, and more. Okay, that's it. That's it. I'm going to go wash my yogurt bowl. The yogurt's been soaking for a little bit, so it's not going to be crispy. It's going to be great. I'm just going to rinse that thing out, probably put it in the dishwasher. Actually, I'm not going to hand wash it. Why would I do that? That is what a dishwasher is for. I'll talk to you all later. I love you all. I appreciate you all and goodbye.