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When I was younger, I wasn't very thoughtful or intentional about who I shared relationships with. I think because I didn't have a firm grasp on why we even have relationships as human beings. When I would reflect on my relationships, I'd simply ask myself, are we having fun together? Are they hot? Do I like when we kiss? You know, like, that was it. Whereas now I'm starting to develop a firmer grasp on what the point of relationships are. Relationships at their best are incredible catalysts for growth for both people involved. That's kind of the whole point. And if that's not happening, it's kind of a waste of time and energy. And I know what you're thinking, Emma. That sounds harsh. It's actually not. Because growth doesn't always need to be this obvious, loud, apparent thing. We think of obvious growth and we think of a relationship where on a daily basis, you know, you're confronting one another and saying, hey, you did this wrong and you need to be better. And then the next day you're saying to the person, you're in a relationship, hey, you. You need. You did this wrong and you need to be better. That's like the loud, obvious sort of growth relationship. I guess growth in relationships can be incredibly subtle and still be really beautiful and impactful. Even just adopting a healthy habit that someone that you're in a relationship with has can be an example of growth in a relationship. If there's none of that happening, I don't think it's a good relationship. I mean, there are people in our lives who are sort of in the peripheral who don't really help us grow, and we don't really help them grow. But that's fine because that's not someone in your circle. I'm talking about the relationships that are at the core of your life that build your social foundation. Those relationships should be rooted in growth, at least. I think.
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I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode of Anything Goes is presented by Walmart.
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So I'm trying to wear breathable but.
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I know that a lot of us want to be responsible for our own growth. We don't want to rely on other people. But we are social animals. We inevitably are going to have relationships with other people, and those relationships are going to alter who we are as people. They should be pushing us to be better versions of ourselves and vice versa. I'm talking about all relationships. There are so many different ways that all types of relationships can be catalysts for growth. When you're in a relationship where there's mutual admiration, both of your positive habits and traits are going to start to slowly but surely rub off on each other. When you see your friend treat everyone with overwhelming kindness, you're going to want to start to do that too. When you see your friend doing that, it's easy to just hop on the bandwagon and start doing it with them. That feels much more comfortable than being somebody who maybe is a bit more cold, a bit more closed off, and then all of a sudden one day wake up and start being really nice to everyone. That can feel kind of weird and forced and oddly vulnerable. If your friend is doing it too, it makes it feel safer. So not only does it inspire you to try, but also now you have someone to do it with. Another example, if you're dating somebody who wakes up early and is super productive, like somebody who just gets their shit done, there's a good chance that that'll start to rub off on you. I think the quote, you are who you surround yourself with is a bit overused to the point where a lot of us hear it and are like, shut up. Shut the fuck up. Like, who cares? But it is true. It's truer than we. Than we realize. I don't know. There's been times in my life where I've had close relationships with people who I didn't necessarily admire. And in retrospect, I think that without me even realizing it, some of their more negative traits were rubbed off on me. Even though I was kind of aware and in touch with the fact that I didn't really admire them, I thought, well, that's their life and those are their habits and those are their traits. Like, that's not my problem. But it actually did become my problem without me even realizing it. A lot of it's subtle. We are who we surround ourselves with. So you want to surround yourself with people who you admire because then you'll become a little bit more like them. And that's. That's an Incredible way to grow. Relationships can also be a catalyst for growth through confrontation. If you're in a healthy relationship with somebody, they should be able to call you out on your bullshit and vice versa. But in order to be called out on your bullshit, the person you're in a relationship with has to, number one, feel comfortable enough with you to bring it up, but number two, respect you and the relationship enough to put themselves in an uncomfortable position where they can confront you. And again, vice versa. The same thing goes for you in the relationship. There's nothing wrong with being confronted on your shortcomings like that is so important for personal growth because we do a lot of checks on ourselves all the time, or at least we ideally should be. But there are things that we miss. There are certain areas that maybe we. We don't understand as much that somebody we're in a relationship understands more and can say, this is what you're doing wrong, this is why it's wrong, and this is how you can fix it. I think relationships can also help with growth because being in healthy relationships gives you a sense of foundation in your life. It gives you a sense of community comfort. And when you have that sort of foundation in your life, it's easier to grow because growing as a person is an incredibly vulnerable, raw sort of experience. And I think if you don't have foundation in your life, if you don't have a sense of community, if you don't have a sense of safety, it makes it harder to grow. I'll give an example of this. There have been so many times in my life where my relationship with my parents has allowed me to grow. Instead of remaining stagnant during a challenging moment in my life when I was going through some of my first few really challenging breakups. Something that I struggled with so viscerally was wanting to go back to my ex e even though they were really bad for me. And I was faced in those moments with, with a choice. I'm either going to grow through this experience by not going back to them and by instead remaining strong, dealing with the grief and just moving forward to, to greener pastures, or I could remain stagnant and. And go back to them and start the whole negative cycle over again with that person. Because of my relationship with my parents and because they were there to support me and talk me through it and because I felt love from them, I was able to grow through that experience instead of remaining stagnant and going back to my exes. Do you see what I'm saying? It's. It's just so much easier to handle challenges and make the right decisions that are growth decisions when you have a support system around you. It's not necessarily relationships are always directly forcing you to grow, but sometimes just the presence of healthy relationships can help you grow in other areas outside of the relationships themselves. If that makes sense. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.
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Have you ever been shopping online and the website just gave you the ick? Let me tell you, that wouldn't happen if they used Squarespace. Squarespace Design Intelligence empowers anyone to build beautiful, more personalized websites tailored to your unique needs. And with Squarespace Payments, it's super easy to manage payments with just a few clicks. Plus, with Squarespace's integrated and optimized SEO tools, there's all the help you need to get people to your site. Head to squarespace.com emma for a free trial and use code EMMA to save 10% on your first purchase. This episode is brought to you by Disney's Freakier Friday on Friday, August 8th, prepare for the frequel. Jamie Lee Curtis and Lindsay Lohan are back in Disney's Freakier Friday, and this time the whole family is switching. A new generation joins the chaos, making the swap wilder, weirder, and more heartwarming than ever. It's the perfect summer event for the whole family. Disney's Freakier Friday, Only in theaters August 8th. Get tickets now.
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A
I also think too, conflict in relationships can cause growth, like a stronger bond between the two of you, but also just growth in general. Conflict really tests everyone involved. You know, ego gets involved. There's rage and anger at times, which you have the option to lean into or not. And that's really challenging. Sometimes you have to admit you're wrong. Sometimes you have to be honest and confront in a way that's super uncomfortable for you. Like, conflict is an incredible opportunity to grow. I'm not even somebody who I feel like is particularly competitive or egotistical when it comes to argument. Like, don't get me wrong, I have my own. Like, my ego comes out sometimes in certain areas. I can be a. I have narcissistic traits probably sometimes. You know, definitely sometimes I'm human. But I'm not particularly egotistical or narcissistic in argument. Like, I am the first one to admit wrongdoing. If somebody sits me down and says, emma, you did this wrong, I am. I am there to listen and I'm there to say, oh my God, I'm so sorry. Thank you for telling me. I heard you. I'm always Grateful when somebody confronts me and tells me I'm doing something wrong. But even I, sometimes someone who I consider to be genuinely good at handling confrontation and criticism and things like even I sometimes in an argument, will find myself wanting to stoop to a level below my own moral compass, if you will. That doesn't really make any sense, but maybe it did. I. I want to stoop low. I don't know, sometimes maybe a little piece of my ego gets bruised or like I'm frustrated with the, with the way that the other person's communicating. And something will get triggered in me and even I will get tempted to not handle things admirably. But within the safety of a relationship, you can have those conflicts. And if everybody handles things in a way that is morally sound, you can come out the other end both stronger, better people who are better at handling complexities between human beings. And the relationship is closer. It is ultimately a net positive. It can be a net positive and the moment it sucks, you know, but it. There is potential for it to be wonderful. I also think too, that our relationships can be a mirror. I remember someone telling me that perhaps it was my dad when I was younger, but I remember hearing this sort of concept of like, the people you're in relationships with are like a mirror. It didn't really click with me until I started being more critical of the relationships in my life and I started choosing higher quality relationships to dedicate my time to, where I really realized how true this is. When you spend time with somebody you truly respect, you start to see yourself through their eyes. And if you respect and admire them, it will truly make you want to be better. If you look at the way that they look at the world and think like, wow, you know, that's such a different perspective from mine, but such a beautiful perspective. And then you proceed to perceive yourself, you naturally will then wonder, like, how do they see me? It's just sort of like a natural thought that crosses your mind. You might end up seeing your own shortcomings just from using them as sort of a mirror. They don't even have to confront you. They don't even have to. They might not even notice these shortcomings. But using them as a mirror, you're able to discover those things. I remember the first time I felt this way. It was in a romantic relationship. I remember, like almost having like a meltdown, like on my own, like crying and sobbing because I was like perceiving myself through my new partner's eyes just naturally because I had been spending, you know, a Lot of time with them because we just started dating or whatever. And I truly saw myself in a different light. And that meant seeing some beautiful things about myself that the person I was dating seemed to really like about me. And that was sort of an emotional experience, but then also becoming aware of certain shortcomings that I had never even remotely been aware of before. It's a very interesting thing that happens very naturally in healthy relationships that can absolutely inspire growth. And last but not least, I think relationships expose you to thoughts and ideas that you never would have had, organically expanding your mind and your perspective. In a way, we've all had such different experiences, We've all seen such different things. We've all been wired in such unique, different ways that when we come together and share, you know, our perspectives, we're able to widen each other's perspective through, you know, just talking. It's a beautiful, wonderful, amazing thing. And it's. It's a wonderful way to grow. Now, it would be very idyllic if this is how all relationships worked. Like, two people come together and they hang out a lot and then everyone's growing and it's so awesome. Like, oh my God, everyone's growing. This is so awesome. But unfortunately, or maybe not unfortunately, but more realistically, relationships are deeply complex and a good portion of the time are not wonderful, seamless catalysts for growth. It's much more complicated and much more clunky than that. Like, yes, all of the things that I just mentioned can potentially happen in relationships, but it's not guaranteed. You also might have certain areas where you grow in a relationship and then other areas that are kind of toxic. Like, every single relationship has its own complexity. And so as much as relationships are wonderful catalysts for growth, they also might not be, in my experience, in order for relationships to be at their maximum level of health, where growth is seamless, I'd say everyone involved in the relationship needs to have, number one, a decent sense of self esteem, number two, a decent sense of independence, or more so, a lack of codependence on the other person, decent coping skills in life, a feeling of fulfillment in their lives or a sense of working towards fulfillment. And lastly, but maybe there's more that I just can't think of, a somewhat clear set of morals, values, priorities, purpose and goals. So all you need in order for there to be a seamless growth experience with everybody in a relationship is just all of those things that are really, really challenging to accomplish or to have. We're all constantly working towards having a sense of all of those things, and it's an ongoing journey. So naturally, relationships are going to be much more complicated because the sort of perfect relationship, it rarely exists. Now, what I've discovered is that when growth isn't happening, there's usually something that comes in to replace it. Okay, Growth is positive change, okay? Because growth is becoming the person that you always could be. Like, I think of growth as becoming a better version of yourself, but it's in you. You're not changing into somebody else. You're. You're growing into a better version of yourself. That's what I think growth is. Whereas change, to me, is becoming someone that you're not or becoming a worse version of yourself that doesn't need to exist. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's, it's negative, negative change. I mean, I guess you could argue that you could sort of regress into a worse version of yourself, and that's not necessarily change because that's still in you. If you're not growing in relationships, there's a really decent chance that you're regressing. Now, how does regression happen in relationships? Well, just as quickly as you can pick up people's positive traits and habits, you can also pick up their negative traits and habits. Like, an example would be if your friend gossips a lot, much more than you. And at first you're like, ah, it's fine. Like, I don't really admire how much my friend gossips. Like, it's a little bit too much for my comfort level. But you know what? That's them. And, you know, we have fun together when we go out and we, you know, party on the weekends. So I'm just going to let it slide. Next thing you know, two years into the friendship, you're gossiping just as much as they are. Another example, let's say you're dating somebody who's prone to laziness, gets up late, doesn't get their work done on time, doesn't move their body, like, doesn't go for a walk ever. You know, sits around a lot. That doesn't make anyone feel good physically. You might first, you know, start dating this person and think like, oh, you know what? I. I'm a pretty productive person. You know, I have my routine of what makes me feel good. And so, you know, I think I can accept this and we'll be, we'll be fine. You know what I mean? Well, if your significant other doesn't rise to the occasion and match your routine, there's a decent chance that you're gonna Start matching theirs, and next thing you know, you've developed that bad habit. And there are also a lot of instances where the person that you're in a relationship with, again, platonic or romantic. All of this is platonic or romantic. They will convince you that what they're doing is right and that you should do it too. Like, for example, with. With the friend who gossips a lot. Example. Your friend might say gossiping is healthy. Like, I'm just analyzing people, by the way. I've literally said that because I'm somebody who loves a little bit of gossip here and there, trying to be better about it and not do it in a way that's like, I. I try to keep it appro. Not appropriate, but, like, I try to keep it morally sound. But I definitely am, like, prone to gossip, okay? And I have to, like, keep an eye on it because I can be a real gossiper. And I think that's something that we could all infer by the fact that I have a podcast where I talk into a microphone for hours and hours by myself every week. It's like, of course I like to gossip. You know what I mean? I just like to talk. I think that's really what it is anyway. Like, if you have a friend who gossips more than you're comfortable with, they might say to you, gossiping is harmless. Like, we're not saying anything to anyone's face. We're analyzing people. Like, there's nothing wrong with that. Convincing you to go against your moral compass and gossip more than you're comfortable with. Or if you're dating somebody who's prone to laziness, they might say, like, wait, like, babe, I know it's like Sunday afternoon and you want to go for a hike or bake something and you want to do all these fun things, but, like, let's just watch this TV show all day. If that's not something that you like to do, it's not going to make you feel good to do it. But if they're convincing you, come on. Like, come on. No, this is fun. Like, it's the weekend. They might not have evil motives, but slowly but surely, you're picking up on their potentially negative traits and habits. And it can happen just as quick as you can pick up the punishment positive ones. Now this next cause for regression is one of the trickiest to spot. There can be moments in a relationship where confrontation occurs, okay? And one another's shortcomings might become weaponized if the confronter is struggling on a personal level. Like, I think we all like to assume that if somebody's confronting us about something, it's because it's genuinely an issue. You know what I mean? But depending on what type of place the confronter is in in their life, confrontation might not always be accurate, and that's tricky. It can be really challenging at times to determine if this person is confronting me because they genuinely want to help me or if they want to hurt my feelings. If they're feeling really insecure and something's bothering them, that's sort of irrational. The list goes on. Let me give you some examples. Okay, let's say your friend confronts you and says that your bubbly outgoingness in large groups feels ingenuine and fake. Because when you guys hang out one on one, you're much more chill and calm. Your friend might confront you about this and say, this feels ingenuine, and it rubs me the wrong way. It feels off to me, and. And I don't like it. Okay, your friend might confront you. In fact, I. I've never been confronted about this by a friend, but I have actually been confronted about this by a significant other in the past. Mm. They were like, you change when you're in a big group of people. Like, you're really outgoing and bubbly, and when we're alone, like, you're just, like, chill. So it's like, what. Why are you, like, turning on for a group of people? It was really confusing to me because I was like, okay, am I being fake? And when I reflected inward, I was like, not really. Like, I think I'm really bubbly and outgoing with people in big groups because, I don't know, there's something about being in a big group that's exciting. And there's also something about being around people that maybe I'm less close to where, I don't know, maybe I do turn on a little bit. But it's not in a way that's ingenuine. It's just. It's very organic and automatic. It's just. I don't know, you behave differently in a large group of people that you're not super close with versus with your significant other. Like, with your significant other, you have a sense of familiarity, and perhaps there's less to talk about, there's less to be excited about because you see each other all the time. In the case of that particular relationship, when I was confronted about this, the person I was dating was a very chill, quiet person. It's like, I don't know how to be bubbly and outgoing. With you because you're quiet and in the moment. I genuinely psyched myself out so bad socially that it made me sort of shut down, which was weird because I'm somebody who's very outgoing. My partner's comment made me shut down a little bit, thus regressing me as a person overall. In retrospect, it's very clear to me that the reason why my partner said this to me was because my partner was particularly self conscious about their social skills, and my social skills being a bit more advanced made them feel bad. So they were confronting me on this not because it was actually a real issue, but because they were struggling with that. But let me give another example to really, to really paint this picture for you. Let's say your significant other confronts you and says that you hang out with your friends too much and it's immature and unfair to everyone else in your life. This might be a fair complaint if you genuinely do hang out with your friends too much and you don't, you know, split your time responsibly with everyone in your life. But there's also a chance that you do actually have a really good balance and that this complaint is not rooted in reality, but, but rather rooted in your significant other's. Again, insecurity about the relationship, insecurity in themselves, and the fact that maybe they don't have as many friends as you like. There might be a bit of jealousy there. Again, it could be rooted in nothing in particular, just your significant other being unhappy and just wanting to confront you and sort of hurt your feelings for the sake of hurting your feelings. Who knows, you might make a correction in your life that is unnecessary and thus becomes harmful. In the case of the bubbly outgoing personality example, when that happened to me, I then went into my shell a little bit. Every single time I was in a social situation, I was overthinking every single move. And not only did that make me miserable, but it also made me less fun to be around. And in the example of if you know your significant other says you hang out with your friends too much, but you actually don't, you might start hanging out with your friends less damaging those relationships unnecessarily. It's worth the analysis. It's worth paying attention to.
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I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode is brought to you by Squarespace. I've always believed that if you have an idea like something you really care about, you should own it, literally. With Squarespace, you can grab the domain name that feels like you and start building from There no tech stress, no random fees, just your name, your vibe in your space. Online. Go to squarespace.com emma for a free trial.
- [26:09]
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A
Another way that you can potentially regress in relationships is your self esteem can decline if you're not being properly supported and loved. Then you start to think subconsciously or even consciously, what's wrong with me? Why don't they love and support me to the extent that I need it? Why are they wishy washy with me? Why do I not feel like I have a foundation from them? Like is it my fault? All of this subconsciously lowering your self esteem which makes you less fit to handle challenges that come up in your life in a way that that is evolved. I gave this example earlier of when I was faced with growth opportunities as a young person during various breakups. Do I go back to my ex and regress or stay stagnant or do I push through the pain and the grief and move forward? My parents and their love and support allowed me to move on. There's a lot of people that helped me through those breakups because of their love and support. I was able to take the growth opportunity and actually take advantage of it and grow through the experience. However, if I had not had those people in my life, I think my self esteem would have been too low and my sense of foundation would have been too rattly for me to choose the growth opportunity. You know, I would have gone back to the exes immediately. I know that for a fact. We can also regress through relationships if our confrontations with one another, our arguments, our fights, our are not handled properly. Fights and arguments in relationships are only opportunities for growth when everyone involved chooses to be the bigger person. Does that make sense? If both people in the relationship are like, you know what? I'm going to be the bigger person. The next thing you know, you're both bigger people. But if you both stoop below your moral compass, if you both stoop low, you say hurtful things and you don't listen to each other and you don't really solve any problems. But at the end of it you're like, eh, fuck it, we'll just move on and pretend like it didn't happen. But you don't solve anything. No one grows from that. And you might even be stunting the development of your social skills, which is sort of a form of regression. And also you're putting your relationship in a worse position. You know, that's. I think when disagreements and arguments and relationships become a sign of the end is when they're not being solved by properly. There's too much ego involved. People are saying things that are mean just for the sake of being hurtful, et cetera, et cetera. Moving on. In the same way that relationships can be a mirror for us, that inspire us to be better, I've come to find that they can also be mirrors that enable us to remain the same, to continue with our bad habits. If you are in a relationship with somebody who you don't admire, who doesn't have admirable traits or habits, if you look in the mirror, that is them back at yourself, there's actually a decent chance that you look pretty good. You know, why change anything? So the mirror thing can actually backfire as well. If you look in the mirror, that is the person that you're in a relationship with, again, platonic or romantic, and you see yourself looking perfect and amazing. That's a red flag in my opinion, because that's actually not accurate. Like, everybody on this planet has room for improvement. You see what I mean? So if you aren't seeing that in the mirror, eek. It's not a good sign. It. Do you see what I mean? And last but not least, as much as relationships can expose you to new perspectives that expand your perspective in a positive way, relationships can also expose you to new perspectives that shrink your perspective in a negative way. If the people around you have more limiting beliefs than you do you, your perspective will shrink. If you're strong and can help others broaden their perspectives, great. But if not, then you'll find yourself shrinking. You see what I mean? Like, it's not like all new ideas from other people expand your perspective. Somebody like an example might be you're dating somebody who is a very negative person who believes that like all amusement parks suck and going to the movie theater sucks and doing art sucks and cooking sucks. Like somebody who just thinks everything sucks, right? Next thing you know, you're going to start to think everything sucks and you're in, your perspective is shrinking and shrinking and shrinking. And again, it happens sneakier than you think. Now listen, I don't have it all figured out, okay? I don't. But this is something that I think about a lot because I want to make sure that the relationships I have in my life are having a net positive effect on my life. And listen, I don't have unrealistic expectations, okay? It's impossible to be in a relationship where there's abundant growth all the time and there's never a moment of a bit of regression here or, and everything's perfect and everybody's so happy and everyone's growing and everybody's laughing and no one ever does anything wrong. I mean, I think a lot of times in order to grow there has to be an occasional fuck up. If you don't occasionally fuck up, you might not get confronted very often. Like there is no growth without occasional failure as well. I think so. I don't have unrealistic expectations, but I think it's less about isolated incidents and it's more about the big picture. When I look at my own relationships, I'm looking at have I grown with this relationship over the last year, over the last five years? Have I grown from this relationship? Or, you know, on the contrary, has my quality of life declined? Am I less happy? It's more about the bigger picture and less about isolated incidents.
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To finish this episode, I thought I would give you some tips on how to figure out if a relationship is helping you grow or causing regression. Now, these are my tips. They're unprofessional and they are ultimately just based on my experience. So take it with a grain of salt. Number one, through honest conversation and reflection with oneself, figure out if you truly respect and admire the person you're in a relationship with. If you can't think of three things that you admire about the person you're in a relationship with, that is not a good sign. And it's shocking how common it is. I've been in so many different types of relationships where I've realized at a certain point, I don't admire or respect this person very much. I love them, maybe, or I think I love them, or I feel like I love them. I feel comfortable in our relationship, but I don't think I respect them or admire them or respect is actually the wrong word because I try to respect everyone. But. But by respect, I mean more like admire. You know, in order to grow, you need to admire the person you're in a relationship with. You have to think that they're awesome and you. And they have to have traits that you're like, I wish I could be a little bit more like that. And it doesn't need to be anything big or obvious, like, well, they've saved 10,000 puppies from the. From a river once. Like, it doesn't need to be like that. It can literally be like, you know, the way that they hold the door for people, the way that they notice whenever someone's sad and offer them a tissue. Like, it can be something tiny like that. But you have to have at least three. I mean, if you can't come up with with three, probably. Probably not a growing, healthy, happy relationship. Okay. Number two. If you don't feel comfortable confronting one another about your shortcomings, bad sign. The growth is probably not happening in this relationship because there's a chance that you're growing a little bit, you know, maybe through admiring one another. But I would argue if you don't feel comfortable confronting one another, you can never reach that sort of growth flow state. I'm just speaking out of my ass at this point, but you get what I'm saying. Like, such a big part of growth is, is confrontation. And if you don't have that element, I don't know how you can be in a relationship where there's inadequate amount of growth. Again, it's like we have peripheral friendships and in acquaintances that are in our life to keep us company, but they're not like our close friends. They're not in our circle. We don't have a deep relationship with them. That's a different type of relationship. I'm talking about deep personal relationships. Those are the types of relationships where, you know, we. We should be demanding a bit more because they demand a bit more of our attention and time. Right? Okay, next, check in with yourself in your relationship. Are you deeply considering the context of the other person's life, and are they considering yours? Are you strong enough to help lift them up out of their hard times, and are they strong enough to help lift you up during yours? Can you even figure out when they're going through a hard time? Can they figure out when you're going through a hard time? Are they dragging you down into their misery? Are you dragging them down into your misery? Can either of you figure out when it's happening? Do you get what I'm saying? Like, it is inevitable that in relationships, each individual is going to go through a hard time over and over again, time and time again. And in order to use those hard times as a growth opportunity, the people around you that you're in relationships with need to be able to support you and empathize with what you're going through and speak to you whilst understanding that context. You get what I'm saying? This plays a role in so many different elements. Like, if you have a firm grasp on the mental state of the person you're in a relationship with and they confront you in a way that seems sort of irrational. Maybe they're like, why? Why didn't you come home last night? And you're like, I was working. Like, what? What are you talking about? I was literally at work. And they're like, you always do that and it's so inconsiderate. And they lash out at you. If you understand the context of their life and you know that they're going through a really hard time, you can better handle that situation, not regress yourself, and rather help them grow and communicate better. Do you see what I'm saying? Next, it can be helpful to ask yourself, and I already mentioned this, but I'll mention it again, is my life better with this person in it, or is it worse? Look back at your life before you met this person. Now think about your life with this person around. Have they added anything? Have they taken anything away? Be honest with yourself. It's very rare that we actually sit down and ask ourselves this question. And it can tell us a lot. Another thing that you can do is ask the people in your life that you deeply trust if they have noticed growth in you since around the time that you started spending time with a specific person. Right. I've done this before with my parents. I've been like, have you noticed growth in me since around this time? Not being super specific. And it's been interesting to get the answer, you know, and incredibly valuable. And last but not least, as you evolve and change due to relationships, ask yourself with every single little change that occurs in your life, if you are making these changes ultimately for you, perhaps inspired by them, but ultimately for you, or if you're just making these changes for them to make them happy, to reduce conflict, to satisfy their desires. Who are you changing for? If you're changing for you, chances are that's growth. If you're changing for them, chances are that's, in one way or another, a form of regression, I would argue, because even if you make a change for somebody else, that actually is, on paper, ultimately a positive thing. Like, for example, if, you know, your partner is like, I really want you to start waking up early with me. Maybe you hate waking up early. Maybe you're a night owl and that's what makes you happy. That will ultimately come at a cost down the line. Do you see what I'm saying? And will ultimately lead to a little bit of regression. I mean, not that regression is a bad thing. Like, we all grow and regress and grow and regress and grow and regress. Like, you're gonna have moments of regression inevitably. So I don't want to make that sound too negative, because I don't think it is. Like, I think it's all a part of an upward trajectory, of a realistic upward trajectory, you know? But I think that's an incredible question to ask yourself. And that's all I have for today.
- [40:58]
B
That's it.
- [40:58]
A
I hope that you enjoyed this episode. Perhaps you found it a little bit helpful or comforting. Maybe you've been having these thoughts or thinking about these things, and maybe I just agreed with you. Who knows? But hopefully you enjoyed this episode, and if you did, no worries, because there are new episodes every Thursday and Sunday. Okay. So you can hang out with me kind of as much as you want. I talk a lot into the microphone twice a week. So you know I'm here for you. Anything Goes is on social media. At Anything Goes, I'm on social media. Machamberlain, my coffee company, is around on the Internet and in real life at Chamberlain Coffee. That's all I have for today. I love you all. I appreciate you all. I am manifesting for you growth in relationships. And I'll talk to you in a few days. Okay? Love you all.
- [41:52]
B
Bye. Talk to you later. Bye.