A (9:51)
I also think too, conflict in relationships can cause growth, like a stronger bond between the two of you, but also just growth in general. Conflict really tests everyone involved. You know, ego gets involved. There's rage and anger at times, which you have the option to lean into or not. And that's really challenging. Sometimes you have to admit you're wrong. Sometimes you have to be honest and confront in a way that's super uncomfortable for you. Like, conflict is an incredible opportunity to grow. I'm not even somebody who I feel like is particularly competitive or egotistical when it comes to argument. Like, don't get me wrong, I have my own. Like, my ego comes out sometimes in certain areas. I can be a. I have narcissistic traits probably sometimes. You know, definitely sometimes I'm human. But I'm not particularly egotistical or narcissistic in argument. Like, I am the first one to admit wrongdoing. If somebody sits me down and says, emma, you did this wrong, I am. I am there to listen and I'm there to say, oh my God, I'm so sorry. Thank you for telling me. I heard you. I'm always Grateful when somebody confronts me and tells me I'm doing something wrong. But even I, sometimes someone who I consider to be genuinely good at handling confrontation and criticism and things like even I sometimes in an argument, will find myself wanting to stoop to a level below my own moral compass, if you will. That doesn't really make any sense, but maybe it did. I. I want to stoop low. I don't know, sometimes maybe a little piece of my ego gets bruised or like I'm frustrated with the, with the way that the other person's communicating. And something will get triggered in me and even I will get tempted to not handle things admirably. But within the safety of a relationship, you can have those conflicts. And if everybody handles things in a way that is morally sound, you can come out the other end both stronger, better people who are better at handling complexities between human beings. And the relationship is closer. It is ultimately a net positive. It can be a net positive and the moment it sucks, you know, but it. There is potential for it to be wonderful. I also think too, that our relationships can be a mirror. I remember someone telling me that perhaps it was my dad when I was younger, but I remember hearing this sort of concept of like, the people you're in relationships with are like a mirror. It didn't really click with me until I started being more critical of the relationships in my life and I started choosing higher quality relationships to dedicate my time to, where I really realized how true this is. When you spend time with somebody you truly respect, you start to see yourself through their eyes. And if you respect and admire them, it will truly make you want to be better. If you look at the way that they look at the world and think like, wow, you know, that's such a different perspective from mine, but such a beautiful perspective. And then you proceed to perceive yourself, you naturally will then wonder, like, how do they see me? It's just sort of like a natural thought that crosses your mind. You might end up seeing your own shortcomings just from using them as sort of a mirror. They don't even have to confront you. They don't even have to. They might not even notice these shortcomings. But using them as a mirror, you're able to discover those things. I remember the first time I felt this way. It was in a romantic relationship. I remember, like almost having like a meltdown, like on my own, like crying and sobbing because I was like perceiving myself through my new partner's eyes just naturally because I had been spending, you know, a Lot of time with them because we just started dating or whatever. And I truly saw myself in a different light. And that meant seeing some beautiful things about myself that the person I was dating seemed to really like about me. And that was sort of an emotional experience, but then also becoming aware of certain shortcomings that I had never even remotely been aware of before. It's a very interesting thing that happens very naturally in healthy relationships that can absolutely inspire growth. And last but not least, I think relationships expose you to thoughts and ideas that you never would have had, organically expanding your mind and your perspective. In a way, we've all had such different experiences, We've all seen such different things. We've all been wired in such unique, different ways that when we come together and share, you know, our perspectives, we're able to widen each other's perspective through, you know, just talking. It's a beautiful, wonderful, amazing thing. And it's. It's a wonderful way to grow. Now, it would be very idyllic if this is how all relationships worked. Like, two people come together and they hang out a lot and then everyone's growing and it's so awesome. Like, oh my God, everyone's growing. This is so awesome. But unfortunately, or maybe not unfortunately, but more realistically, relationships are deeply complex and a good portion of the time are not wonderful, seamless catalysts for growth. It's much more complicated and much more clunky than that. Like, yes, all of the things that I just mentioned can potentially happen in relationships, but it's not guaranteed. You also might have certain areas where you grow in a relationship and then other areas that are kind of toxic. Like, every single relationship has its own complexity. And so as much as relationships are wonderful catalysts for growth, they also might not be, in my experience, in order for relationships to be at their maximum level of health, where growth is seamless, I'd say everyone involved in the relationship needs to have, number one, a decent sense of self esteem, number two, a decent sense of independence, or more so, a lack of codependence on the other person, decent coping skills in life, a feeling of fulfillment in their lives or a sense of working towards fulfillment. And lastly, but maybe there's more that I just can't think of, a somewhat clear set of morals, values, priorities, purpose and goals. So all you need in order for there to be a seamless growth experience with everybody in a relationship is just all of those things that are really, really challenging to accomplish or to have. We're all constantly working towards having a sense of all of those things, and it's an ongoing journey. So naturally, relationships are going to be much more complicated because the sort of perfect relationship, it rarely exists. Now, what I've discovered is that when growth isn't happening, there's usually something that comes in to replace it. Okay, Growth is positive change, okay? Because growth is becoming the person that you always could be. Like, I think of growth as becoming a better version of yourself, but it's in you. You're not changing into somebody else. You're. You're growing into a better version of yourself. That's what I think growth is. Whereas change, to me, is becoming someone that you're not or becoming a worse version of yourself that doesn't need to exist. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's, it's negative, negative change. I mean, I guess you could argue that you could sort of regress into a worse version of yourself, and that's not necessarily change because that's still in you. If you're not growing in relationships, there's a really decent chance that you're regressing. Now, how does regression happen in relationships? Well, just as quickly as you can pick up people's positive traits and habits, you can also pick up their negative traits and habits. Like, an example would be if your friend gossips a lot, much more than you. And at first you're like, ah, it's fine. Like, I don't really admire how much my friend gossips. Like, it's a little bit too much for my comfort level. But you know what? That's them. And, you know, we have fun together when we go out and we, you know, party on the weekends. So I'm just going to let it slide. Next thing you know, two years into the friendship, you're gossiping just as much as they are. Another example, let's say you're dating somebody who's prone to laziness, gets up late, doesn't get their work done on time, doesn't move their body, like, doesn't go for a walk ever. You know, sits around a lot. That doesn't make anyone feel good physically. You might first, you know, start dating this person and think like, oh, you know what? I. I'm a pretty productive person. You know, I have my routine of what makes me feel good. And so, you know, I think I can accept this and we'll be, we'll be fine. You know what I mean? Well, if your significant other doesn't rise to the occasion and match your routine, there's a decent chance that you're gonna Start matching theirs, and next thing you know, you've developed that bad habit. And there are also a lot of instances where the person that you're in a relationship with, again, platonic or romantic. All of this is platonic or romantic. They will convince you that what they're doing is right and that you should do it too. Like, for example, with. With the friend who gossips a lot. Example. Your friend might say gossiping is healthy. Like, I'm just analyzing people, by the way. I've literally said that because I'm somebody who loves a little bit of gossip here and there, trying to be better about it and not do it in a way that's like, I. I try to keep it appro. Not appropriate, but, like, I try to keep it morally sound. But I definitely am, like, prone to gossip, okay? And I have to, like, keep an eye on it because I can be a real gossiper. And I think that's something that we could all infer by the fact that I have a podcast where I talk into a microphone for hours and hours by myself every week. It's like, of course I like to gossip. You know what I mean? I just like to talk. I think that's really what it is anyway. Like, if you have a friend who gossips more than you're comfortable with, they might say to you, gossiping is harmless. Like, we're not saying anything to anyone's face. We're analyzing people. Like, there's nothing wrong with that. Convincing you to go against your moral compass and gossip more than you're comfortable with. Or if you're dating somebody who's prone to laziness, they might say, like, wait, like, babe, I know it's like Sunday afternoon and you want to go for a hike or bake something and you want to do all these fun things, but, like, let's just watch this TV show all day. If that's not something that you like to do, it's not going to make you feel good to do it. But if they're convincing you, come on. Like, come on. No, this is fun. Like, it's the weekend. They might not have evil motives, but slowly but surely, you're picking up on their potentially negative traits and habits. And it can happen just as quick as you can pick up the punishment positive ones. Now this next cause for regression is one of the trickiest to spot. There can be moments in a relationship where confrontation occurs, okay? And one another's shortcomings might become weaponized if the confronter is struggling on a personal level. Like, I think we all like to assume that if somebody's confronting us about something, it's because it's genuinely an issue. You know what I mean? But depending on what type of place the confronter is in in their life, confrontation might not always be accurate, and that's tricky. It can be really challenging at times to determine if this person is confronting me because they genuinely want to help me or if they want to hurt my feelings. If they're feeling really insecure and something's bothering them, that's sort of irrational. The list goes on. Let me give you some examples. Okay, let's say your friend confronts you and says that your bubbly outgoingness in large groups feels ingenuine and fake. Because when you guys hang out one on one, you're much more chill and calm. Your friend might confront you about this and say, this feels ingenuine, and it rubs me the wrong way. It feels off to me, and. And I don't like it. Okay, your friend might confront you. In fact, I. I've never been confronted about this by a friend, but I have actually been confronted about this by a significant other in the past. Mm. They were like, you change when you're in a big group of people. Like, you're really outgoing and bubbly, and when we're alone, like, you're just, like, chill. So it's like, what. Why are you, like, turning on for a group of people? It was really confusing to me because I was like, okay, am I being fake? And when I reflected inward, I was like, not really. Like, I think I'm really bubbly and outgoing with people in big groups because, I don't know, there's something about being in a big group that's exciting. And there's also something about being around people that maybe I'm less close to where, I don't know, maybe I do turn on a little bit. But it's not in a way that's ingenuine. It's just. It's very organic and automatic. It's just. I don't know, you behave differently in a large group of people that you're not super close with versus with your significant other. Like, with your significant other, you have a sense of familiarity, and perhaps there's less to talk about, there's less to be excited about because you see each other all the time. In the case of that particular relationship, when I was confronted about this, the person I was dating was a very chill, quiet person. It's like, I don't know how to be bubbly and outgoing. With you because you're quiet and in the moment. I genuinely psyched myself out so bad socially that it made me sort of shut down, which was weird because I'm somebody who's very outgoing. My partner's comment made me shut down a little bit, thus regressing me as a person overall. In retrospect, it's very clear to me that the reason why my partner said this to me was because my partner was particularly self conscious about their social skills, and my social skills being a bit more advanced made them feel bad. So they were confronting me on this not because it was actually a real issue, but because they were struggling with that. But let me give another example to really, to really paint this picture for you. Let's say your significant other confronts you and says that you hang out with your friends too much and it's immature and unfair to everyone else in your life. This might be a fair complaint if you genuinely do hang out with your friends too much and you don't, you know, split your time responsibly with everyone in your life. But there's also a chance that you do actually have a really good balance and that this complaint is not rooted in reality, but, but rather rooted in your significant other's. Again, insecurity about the relationship, insecurity in themselves, and the fact that maybe they don't have as many friends as you like. There might be a bit of jealousy there. Again, it could be rooted in nothing in particular, just your significant other being unhappy and just wanting to confront you and sort of hurt your feelings for the sake of hurting your feelings. Who knows, you might make a correction in your life that is unnecessary and thus becomes harmful. In the case of the bubbly outgoing personality example, when that happened to me, I then went into my shell a little bit. Every single time I was in a social situation, I was overthinking every single move. And not only did that make me miserable, but it also made me less fun to be around. And in the example of if you know your significant other says you hang out with your friends too much, but you actually don't, you might start hanging out with your friends less damaging those relationships unnecessarily. It's worth the analysis. It's worth paying attention to.