Emma Chamberlain (0:00)

Listen, I know what you're thinking, okay? Hey, haven't I seen this podcast episode title before? This sounds familiar. I feel like Emma already talked about this. Yes, Okay, I did. This is a rerun episode. This came out probably months ago, but I'm on my holiday break right now. Yeah, I'm resting, I'm recharging, I'm healing my inner child. I'm completing my winter arc. It's all happening right now. I'm taking a few weeks off. But just because the episode's a rerun doesn't mean it's not good. So give it a listen anyway. And don't worry. I'll be back on January 16, 2025, for our regularly scheduled programming back to Thursdays and Sundays for another year. Happy holidays. I love and appreciate all of you, and I'm sending you all of my love and light. Now, without further ado, enjoy this rerun episode. Hello, and welcome back to Advice Session, a series here on Anything Goes, where you send in your current dilemmas or anything that you want advice on. And I give my unprofessional advice today. I have a very raspy voice because I've been singing a lot in the car, et cetera, et cetera. And I've also been very dehydrated. I haven't been drinking a lot of water, so my voice is gone. But hopefully some of you think that it's sexy and charming. I know for a fact there will be a few of you that will be annoyed, but this is just what you get with me. I lose my voice so much it's unbelievable. And I can't tell if it's because I just talk and sing more than the average person or if it's because there is ultimately something wrong with my throat. But that's neither here nor there. And that is something for me to worry about and not for you to worry about. Don't worry. I will handle that. You have enough going on in your own life. Okay. Which is why we're doing an advice session, because I'm going to be giving you unprofessional advice on things that are going on in your lives. And if you want to submit a current dilemma or a situation that you want advice on, anything goes on Instagram. That is where we receive submissions. Okay, without further ado, let's just get right into it. I curated a list today of current dilemmas slash situations that you all want advice on that specifically relate to having a crush on someone. So this whole episode is about what the fuck to do when you have a crush. Let me tell you, it's fun to have a crush. It's really distracting, which is great. Like, that's the best part about it, is when you have a crush, it's almost like being drunk in the way that it distracts you. Like, it consumes your mind in a way that is so potent and so all consuming that nothing else really seems to matter. Like, it becomes your number one priority a lot of times. And there's something kind of fun about that because it is an escape from your real life. It's like, who gives a fuck about homework or work or drama with friends? It's like, no, I got a crush. The only thing I'm worrying about right now is this. Did they like me back? Was I weird when I flirted with them yesterday? Like, what's happening? Anyway, having a crush is fun, but it's also kind of a nightmare because you're in this sort of purgatory where you don't know for sure if they like you back most of the time. And it's exciting, but it's also torture because you're trying to figure it out every day and you're just fantasizing about what it'd be like if you were together and you're so close yet so far. It's a nightmare. It's fun, but it's a nightmare. A lot of things are like that. It's like when you're in a party phase in your life and you're going out a lot. It's fun and it's distracting, but it's a nightmare. It's ultimately a nightmare. Anywho, the last time I had a crush was a few months ago. And I really found myself having a crush on the idea of this person. And then as I got to know them more, I was like, this. This person is not good for me. Like, if I dated this person, it would be an absolute catastrophe. But it was tough to shake because I was like, well, fuck, I don't know. Like, I don't know them that well. And even though I can tell that we wouldn't be super compatible personality wise, it's like, but what if we got to know each other and then they did become that and it was like this whole thing. And the only way I got rid of that crush was by finding someone new. Like, I don't know if I would have shaken that crush as quickly if I hadn't found someone new who was ultimately way better for me. You know, like a better person to have a crush on. All that to say, there's something so challenging about shaking a crush. Even if you can tell that they're bad for you, even if you know that you'll never date them, it's, like, not up to you. When you shake the crush, it's like your subconscious mind has to choose to be done. And that's why having a crush is so challenging. You can't just turn it on and off. I love having a crush. No, I don't. I prefer dating. I. I don't like. I actually don't like being in that crush phase. Like, I like being in a relationship. That's what I like. I like dating somebody that I will always have a crush on or I will have a crush on indefinitely, but feeling secure in that. I don't like being in the. In the gray area. I don't like being in the purgatory of it. I kind of hate that. Like, it is fun, but it is a nightmare, and I prefer to be in a relationship. Like, that's my ideal situation. So. Okay, now enough about me. What the fuck? Someone said, how do I figure out if someone likes me? Back in the past, I would have listed out various signs that you can spot that would show you or give you a hint about whether or not they like you. That's what I would have said in the past. However, through some more life experience, I think my advice now is far less fun and far less exciting. And it's that you really can't assume, you know, we can find ourselves reading into the tiny little micro behaviors of the person that we have a crush on, trying to figure them out like they're a solvable puzzle, okay? But the truth of the matter is everyone's different. Everyone's little micro behaviors are different. And what means one thing about one person doesn't mean the same thing about another person. Like, for example, if the last person that you had a crush on who ended up liking you back used to text you all the time, then you might read into this new person that you have a crush on texting you all the time and think, well, that means that they probably like me, right? Or this feels like a sign that they like me. When you know, this person that you have a crush on now could just be a really avid text, or they just love texting, and because you guys are friends, they text you a lot. Okay? Another example is, you know, maybe someone who's had a crush on you before has given you really good eye contact when you talk, and that was a sign that they had a crush on you. Now you're talking to this new person who you have a crush on. They're giving you really good eye contact. You might say to yourself, well, they must have a crush on me, right? That must be a sign because of the last person. When in reality, it might just be that this person really prioritizes eye contact in a conversation with anyone. It's so impossible to figure out that my recommendation is to not even try to read between the lines, not to even try to figure them out. Instead, you need to find out for sure because, like, this is just my opinion, okay? I just think it's so misleading to basically, like, come up with conspiracy theories about whether or not they like you back. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm all about conspiracy theories, okay? I don't think that there's inherently anything wrong with being a little bit conspiratorial. I think it's good to question things. I think it's good to. To analyze things and read between the lines and try to figure things out. But you can never come to a conclusion based on a conspiracy. It's the same thing with, like, a conspiracy about, I don't know, like, whether or not aliens are real. It's like, I don't think there's anything wrong with maybe putting together clues and trying to figure out if aliens are real. But you can never come to a conclusion unless there's proof, unless there's evidence, unless someone says, here's the science. These are the aliens. They're right here. This is 100% certain. You see what I'm saying? It's the same thing with when you have a crush. It's like, until you hear it from their mouth, not necessarily directly, maybe even through the grapevine, but until they say it, you just can't know for sure. And so you can never come to a conclusion based on things that are not factual. Like, evidence is different than facts because evidence can sometimes not be accurate. It's like when they're solving a murder case, okay, they might find fingerprints on some shit, but that doesn't necessarily mean that the person whose fingerprints were on the stuff did the murder. There are so many more variables to factor in. You cannot come to a conclusion based on little pieces of evidence like that, right? So. So my piece of advice is if you're, like, overcome with desperation to figure out if this person likes you back, you gotta start asking around. Maybe you start by asking their friends, like, hey, you know, let me confide in you a little bit. I have a crush on your Friend. And I don't know how to handle it. Like, I don't know if I should ask them if they feel the same about me or if I should, like, start to get closer to them. Have they ever said anything about me? Like, do they like me? What do you know? And they might be like, I don't know, like I could ask and get back to you. Or they might say, oh yeah, they definitely like you. Or they might say, I don't know, like they're not really dating right now. Like, eh, now, that's one way you could go about it. Another way you could go about it is you could become closer with this person that you have a crush on. Platonically, in a friendly way. You could become closer with them and hopefully build a relationship where you have open communication right now. That takes time. That takes patience. Okay? But then eventually you can be like, listen, I might like you a little more than you can make it a silly conversation. You could be like, I don't know how this is so embarrassing, but I. Maybe I have a crush on you, whatever. And it's no big deal if you don't feel the same way about me. I'll get over it. But just let me know, like, what do you think? Or no. And that's another way of going about it. But those are really the only ways to find out for sure. You have to find out for certain if you want to know for certain. I mean, obviously, like, there are little signs that you can pay attention to in the meantime. Like, does it seem like they want to spend time with you a lot? Do they ever get a little flirty with you? Do you catch them looking at you when you're talking? In, like, a group of friends? Are they, like, staring at you? Do they seem a little nervous around you sometimes? Or do they get kind of embarrassed sometimes around you? Like, yeah, there are all these signs that are not nothing. Right? But you kind of have to communicate. I know. Such an annoying piece of advice. It's like you just kind of have to ask. I know, I know it's annoying. Next, somebody. Oh my God. Wait, listen to this. My little kitty's very happy to be hanging out today. Okay, okay. Next. Somebody said, how do I know when to give up on a crush? This is the fucking worst. Oh my God. This is the actual worst thing ever. Because as I mentioned earlier, it's like you can't just turn off a crush, but there are times when we must give up on a crush. Not only am I gonna tell you how to know when it's time to give up on a crush, in my opinion. But I'm also going to give you some advice on how, because that's a whole other beast, figuring out how to give up on the crush. Okay, so there's a few ways to come to the conclusion that you need to let this crush go. Number one, you find out for certain that they don't like you back. Now, to look at it in a glass half full way, they might like you one day. Like, there have been times when I've not had a crush on somebody and then randomly one day I wake up and I have a crush on them and vice versa. There, there have been times when I've liked somebody so much and they've not liked me back. And then all of a sudden one day they like me back. That's actually happened to me with two boys in my life, one in high school. And actually my first boyfriend, my first boyfriend did not like me back at first, which was fine. We remained friends. And then eventually one day they liked me back and I was like, what the fuck? This was great. But also, what the fuck? So there's a chance that that could happen, but it doesn't matter. You have to let it go. If you know for sure that they don't like you back, that is an obvious reason to let it go. But it's not obvious because a lot of times we think to ourselves, well, they might come around and they might like us back. That could still be true. And chances are, if they do end up liking you down the line, your feelings for them could resurge very easily. But it doesn't matter if you know that right now they don't like you back. You gotta let it go. If you find that out for certain, you gotta let it go. Okay, that's number one. Number two, if you start to develop feelings for this person and they start to develop feelings for you, but you start to figure out through this process of you both having a crush on each other that you're not very compatible with this person. Like I'll give you an example with, you know, this person I had a crush on a few months ago. Nothing ever happened with them. We never, like, we were just friends. I don't even know if they knew I had a crush on them. Like, it was whatever. I started to realize that they like, I was very attracted to them physically for one, which was kind of blinding for me. Like, I just, I couldn't. They were so gorgeous to me that I like everything that they said and everything that they did to me was perfect because they were hot. You know what I mean? I was like, this is the most gorgeous person I've ever seen. Like, I cannot fathom this. So then it, in the beginning of my crush, made me, like, completely aloof to what their personality was like. But then over time, I started to realize we don't really have a lot to talk about. We don't really have a lot in common. And not only do we not have a lot in common, but also, this person isn't a big talker, okay? And I am such a talker. And I kind of need to date someone who also likes talking, who can keep up with my excitement about discussing things and analyzing things. This person was not like that, okay? They're just not a talker. And then the stuff that they did talk about was not inherently interesting to me. And that's fine. There are gonna be times when you date people who have interests that don't match up with yours, and it's up to you to find interest in it. But it seemed to be, like, a reoccurring theme where it was like, we're not really having interesting conversation, I don't think. Not saying that this person is boring or that they can't have an interesting conversation. It's just that they have different interests than me and I have different interests than them, and we don't have interesting, riveting conversation together to. Just because of the nature of who we both are. They probably thought I was boring as fuck, too. Just because we don't like the same things. And also, last but not least, I think that we were both really shy people when it comes to, like, dating. Like, if it was ever gonna happen, one of us needed to be, like, the leading force in the situation. And I like to date somebody who kind of takes charge in a way. Like, in general, I just like someone who takes charge. And I could tell that that was not what this person was looking for. This person was also looking for somebody who would take charge. Now, I could do that. I just didn't want to do that. So I don't know if this person liked me back or not, but it didn't really matter because I knew deep down, even though I thought that they were the most gorgeous person I'd ever laid my eyes on, I knew deep down that this is not somebody I should date. They don't line up with me in that way. So that's another way to come to the conclusion that you should not have a crush on this person is if you get to know them better and you realize this is not a good partner for me. Like I'm better off waiting and finding someone better. Now that's a very hard conclusion to come to, especially if you're like really physically attracted to them. But it's important because who you date and who you surround yourself with really impacts your well being more than you can even imagine. So that's why it is important to come to that conclusion as quickly as you can. Now, when it comes to letting it go, okay, you have to be patient with yourself because as I've mentioned now two times prior, you cannot just turn off a crush. You can't just turn it off. So you have to enter into this journey of letting the crush go with forgiveness and patience with yourself, understanding that it's going to take some time and the feelings are not just going to go away overnight. So there's going to be this period of time where you know that you need to end this crush. It needs to be over, you need to forget about it. But the crush is still very much there. There's going to be a decently long period of time where that's the case. This isn't always doable, depending on who your crush is, if they're in your friend group or whatever. But it can be really nice to distance yourself. Again, you can't always do that if they're in your friend group. You can't alienate yourself from your friend group because you have a crush on somebody in the group and you need space from them. But try to create as much space as you can between you and that person. Hang out with them the least amount possible, okay? And it can be tough if this is a friend or somebody that you still really like. It can be painful. It can almost feel like a breakup. But it's so helpful. It's helpful in the same way no contact is helpful when you break up with somebody. Out of sight, out of mind. It's far easier to get over someone if they're not around you all the time. So try to get them out of your area as much as possible. But if that's not possible, then it just takes patience and you might never fully get over them. But you have to sort of accept the fact that you have this crush and accept the fact that it might never fully go away, but that you can't have this right now. And you can hope that maybe one day they'll change their mind and they might like you back, but you can't rely on that. So you just sort of have to find acceptance. And more often than not, the longer you sit with this weird acceptance, but also sort of grief of the fact that you can't be with them, the longer you sit with that, the more the feeling just goes away. Eventually the crush will go away, at least to a point where it's no longer painful anymore. It might be in there a little bit, but it becomes very manageable. Another thing you can do is try to find someone else to have a crush on. That's what I tend to do when I have a crush on somebody. And it's just like, I gotta let this one go. I'll try to find somebody new to have a crush on. I'll get excited about that prospect, like, who's next? You know, okay, it wasn't this person, but who's next? And I let that be sort of a fun distraction from this other crush. And maybe during that phase of trying to find a new crush, you distract yourself by being a little bit more social. Go and be social. Go and try new things where there's new people around who you could potentially have a crush on. You know, there's nothing wrong with seeking out a new crush. Welcome to Nada Yada Island.