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Welcome back to Advice Session, a series here on Anything Goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything you want advice on and then I give you my own professional advice. And today's topic is one that we know. It's one that we love. It's one that we've discussed time and time again. You know what it is? Romantic relationships. Woo. I'm clapping. Can you hear that? Today we're going to be discussing romantic relationships once again, but more specifically, challenges in romantic relationships. Because I don't think any of you would be in my DMs asking for help if your relationships were going well. Instead, your phone would be in your bag. You'd be on a date, laughing, cuddling, kissing. You wouldn't be in my DMs. Relationship challenges are a common topic here on Advice Session, and understandably so, because relationships are complicated, incredibly complicated. Even if you're in the most perfect, gorgeous, long term, idyllic, healthy relationship, trouble is inevitable. Challenge is inevitable. Even the most perfect relationships struggle. And so that's why I think it's such a common challenge for you all. Because it's a common challenge for everyone. And it's an inevitable challenge that we're all going to experience if we choose to search for a partner in this life. I mean, I struggle with it too. Listen, I know I'm giving advice on the topic, but I don't have it all figured out. I definitely don't have it all figured out. I'm the first one to say that I'm single right now. If I had it all figured out, I'd probably be in a relationship right now. But I'm not. Although I will say being single is undeniably an important part of my journey to finding my person, if you will. So actually, I think what I'm doing right now is good. It's a sign that maybe I do have things somewhat figured out because I think I need to be single. But I've been in my fair share of relationships. So without further ado, let's begin. I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode is presented by Venmo. Okay, hear me out. Apparently you can earn cash back with your Venmo debit card. All you have to do is join Venmo Stash in boom. You get cash back when you shop at your favorite brands. It's kind of an awesome flex. With Venmo Stash, you can get up to 5% cash back at your fave brands. Just pick a bundle of your go tos to shop with your Venmo debit card and earn earn cash back at them. And you're free to mix things up. You can easily swap out your bundle of brands every 30 days. Start earning when you do more with stash. Venmo stash terms and exclusions apply. Max $100 cash back per month. See terms at Venmo Me Stash terms. Now back to the episode somebody said how to handle an extremely jealous partner. He constantly brings up my past, but is also loving and caring. So I'm confused. Well, to start, I look at jealousy in a relationship as a form of misguided love. In a way, love that's turned sour in a way. Let me explain. When someone is in a really good place, they're able to just love. Purely love just flows out of them. When someone's not in a good place for one reason or another, love doesn't just flow out of them. Sometimes love inside the body can get sort of poisoned, and then it can come out wrong. Does that make sense? That's how I feel about jealousy. In a romantic relationship. It's like your boyfriend loves you so much, but is also in such a bad place that the love is coming out wrong. It is kind of love. Like, if your boyfriend didn't care about you, he just wouldn't care. Like, he wouldn't be jealous at all. He'd be negligent. He'd be avoidant. Your boyfriend clearly cares. Jealousy is a form of caring, but it's just love gone sour coming out as jealousy. Does that make sense? Oftentimes the root of it is insecurity. Actually, I think the cause of jealousy is almost always insecurity. Your boyfriend's insecure about something. That's what it is. And it's turning some of the love that he has in his heart for you into jealousy. So I want to start out by saying that it makes sense that your boyfriend is loving and caring. Because jealousy doesn't occur in this type of situation. If there isn't love and care, it's love and care turned into something else. So it makes sense that both are happening at once. You know what I'm saying? In moments when your boyfriend's feeling really insecure, love and care turns into jealousy. In moments when your boyfriend's maybe feeling a bit better, perhaps in a mentally stronger place, perhaps in a. In a happier place, a more fulfilled place, the love is able to flow out properly. So that's the first point I want to make. Now let's discuss how to handle it. Okay, let's reread the question how to handle an extremely jealous partner. He constantly brings up my past, but is also loving and caring. So I'm confused. So the issue is your boyfriend is really jealous, which is making him sort of mean and aggressive with you verbally. Okay. The advice I'm about to give is the advice that I almost always give when there's challenges in relationships, communication. You gotta bring this up. You gotta bring this up. That's the only way that you're gonna get through this. But I think it's important to go about it in a way that's really gentle. Because if someone's incredibly jealous, even if they're being a bit mean or a bit unfair, jealousy is ultimately insecurity. And I think if you want to get through to a jealous person, you have to be really gentle. Because even though the way that they're behaving as a result of their jealousy seems rigid and hard and mean on the inside, they're hurting, they're insecure, they're feeling weak. And so I think in order to have a productive conversation with somebody who's jealous, a productive approach is a gentle approach, is a thoughtful approach, is a mindful approach. You don't want to attack a jealous person, because I feel like that will make them retract into their shell even more. I think you have to be very soft with a jealous person, even though that seems kind of counterintuitive, because a lot of times jealous people are. Are mean. They can be the meanest. So I'll give a sort of example of how I would have this conversation. Let's say I'm you. Okay? I would say to your boyfriend, wait, that sounds like I'm trying to. Trying to, like, get with your boyfriend. That's what I mean. Okay, if I were you, this is what I would say. I would say, okay, perhaps a moment occurs where your boyfriend brings up your past and is really jealous. This is the perfect time to act. So if I were you, I would say, can I be honest? When you bring up my past, it is really upsetting for me because I'm present here now in this relationship with you, and my past is my past. I can't change it. There's nothing I can do about it. And you bringing it up to me and using it against me is really hurtful. And it makes me feel like you don't accept me for who I am. My past is a part of who I am, and it's very hurtful to have it be weaponized against me. And there's nothing I can do to change the past. So I don't know what to tell you. Why do you think you can't accept me for who I am in the past that I've lived? Why? That's a great first question to ask. You know, like, why are you being mean about this particular thing? It's not fair to me. And that, I think, is. It's to me that sort of. That example feels balanced. It's confrontational, it's honest, it discusses how it makes you feel. But you're also asking a question that forces them to think. You know, it forces your boyfriend to think. And from there, some more questions you could ask to potentially force your boyfriend to think could be, how have your past romantic experiences impacted our relationship? Or do you genuinely trust me? Or how does your childhood affect how you are in our relationship? All of these questions, in kind of a sneaky way, force your partner to reflect on potential sources of insecurity that could be coming out in your relationship. They're forcing your partner to reflect and come to the conclusion that they have a. They're dealing with something. They have an issue without you having to say. Because if you ask, how have your past romantic experiences impacted our relationship? And your boyfriend responds, well, my ex cheated on me. So, yeah, like, it like that definitely makes me more anxious in this relationship. Okay, well, now he's just said out loud why he's so jealous and mean with you, then you can say, well, do you think that that's why you've been a bit unfair with me, A bit mean to me? Is that why you're weaponizing my past? Another example would be if you were to ask your boyfriend, have I ever done something to breach your trust? If your boyfriend says, no, he just said out loud that there's no reason for him to feel jealous with you. If you asked, do you genuinely trust me? Even if I haven't done anything to breach your trust, you genuinely trust me? If he says no, ask why. Why? I've never done anything, so why? And depending on the answer, you both will understand what's going on much better. But also, asking about his childhood could be incredibly informative for both of you. And a conversation like that in a romantic relationship about childhood experiences can really bring two people together in a way that is really special. Like when you start to get into your childhood traumas and shit, it's scary, it's vulnerable, but you learn so much about one another. It really deepens a relationship, and it undeniably affects relationships. It affects how we are in relationships what we experienced as children. This episode is brought to you by Hotels.com make your next trip work for you. Hotels.com's new save your Way feature lets you choose between Instant Savings now or Banking Rewards for later. It's a flexible rewards program that puts you in control, turning every stay into an opportunity. No confusing math, no blackout dates. Use your rewards however you choose, only@hotels.com Save your way is available to loyalty members in the US and UK on hotels with member prices. Other terms apply. C site for details this episode is brought to you by Squarespace. If you want a website that actually looks like you, not some boring template, Squarespace has these incredible AI powered design tools that make it super easy to create something unique. Plus, if you're offering services, you can. You can manage bookings and payments all in one spot. It's simple, stylish and totally doable. Go to squarespace.com emma for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use code emma to get 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. It's kind of hard to guide this type of conversation. I think only you can have this conversation with your partner. I can't give you a script, you know, you have to go into it and just be intuitive in the moment. Those were just some vague ideas, some possible thought starters. But I think the key thing to keep in mind is a jealous person is an insecure person. And if you want to have a productive conversation, I would recommend being incredibly gentle. Firm, but gentle. And not point the finger. Don't point the finger and say you're mean, you're wrong, you're broken, you're evil, you suck. You know, not that anyone's saying that, but you get what I'm saying. Like, I think it's much more productive to approach in a gentle way. But honestly, that advice goes for any sort of confrontation. I think even with the most evil of people, I think being gentle is the way to go. That's my opinion. Some people disagree with me. Some people think that some people deserve to be yelled at, to be ruthlessly criticized. I personally think being the bigger person in handling conversations with the other person's humanity in mind is always the best way to go. Now, from here, things could go in many different directions. Your boyfriend might respond really well and you might have an incredibly rich, fulfilling conversation together about your boyfriend's traumas, emotional mental blocks, insecurities, his attachment style. Like you might have a gorgeous, informative conversation that deepens your relationship. That absolutely might happen. It also Might not happen. Your boyfriend might respond defensively. He might retract into his shell. He might shut down. He might try to blame you for the feelings of jealousy that he's experiencing. It might not go well, and you also kind of have to brace yourself for that. Now, if that happens, my advice would be give him a little bit of time. Sometimes when people are confronted on something, they at first close off and shut down and can't handle it. But once given some space, they actually come around and they're like, you know what? Now I'm ready to have the conversation. Sometimes that takes an hour, Sometimes that takes a week. But I would say try to have the conversation. If it goes badly, give your partner a little bit of time, just a little bit of time, and see if they come around. Now, if they don't come around and the problem doesn't improve and they cannot grasp how their jealousy is negatively impacting the relationship, my suggestion would be break up. If someone's not being a nice partner because they have insecurity issues, that just means that they're not ready to be in a relationship. They have shit they need to sort out, and you can only wait around so long. Listen to me. This is a deal breaker, right? Like, if someone is behaving badly in a relationship to this extent and it's making you miserable, the most that you can do is bring it up. Try to help them through it. And if they won't take your help through it, then they need to deal with it on their own. They need to deal with it on their own. That's the end of it. So do your best. Try to help. Try to grow with them. And if not, then now you're single, and that's kind of fun. It's kind of fun. Okay, moving on. Somebody said, when I'm hanging out with my boyfriend and our friends, I feel like he doesn't give me enough attention. Am I too needy? What do I do? I don't like it. First, I would say, before you even confront your partner on this, look inward, genuinely, deeply, honestly analyze your boyfriend's behavior. Ask yourself what you really think is going on. Do you think that your boyfriend's not giving you attention in social settings because he's embarrassed of your relationship? He's ashamed, he doesn't think you're cool? Or is it just because he's not really into pda? He doesn't like performing public displays of affection? Or perhaps he just wants to be present with his friends. He spends so much time with you in private. You know, Just the two of you. When he's with friends, he just wants to be present with them and give them the time of day. Because he's always spending time with you, right? What do you really think it is? Which of those two? Now, be incredibly honest with yourself, because it can be easy to jump to the conclusion that your boyfriend's embarrassed, he doesn't find you interesting. Like, in a group of people, you're not that interesting to him can be easy to jump to the conclusion that he doesn't love you anymore or that he's ashamed of you. But in many of the relationships I've been in, my boyfriends have not been affectionate with me at all in groups. Like, I've rarely experienced that. I don't think I ever even have. I think every single relationship I've ever been in, the guy I've dated hasn't really liked giving me attention in front of other people. Not because they didn't like me, but because they found it to be sort of inappropriate. You know, they kind of just. I don't know, they wanted to be present with friends and not make anyone uncomfortable with our romance, which I actually think is totally fair. You know, there have been times where I've maybe wanted a little bit more affection, and I don't think that's wrong either. I don't think it's wrong to want that either. Just a disconnect. But when I've experienced this, upon reflection, I've realized this is not personal. They just don't feel comfortable being super affectionate with me in. In groups. Now, once you figure out what you think is going on, do you think your boyfriend genuinely, like, it's personal. There's something about you. He's embarrassed, he's ashamed, whatever. Do you think it's that, or do you think it's just a mismatched sort of affection style between the two of you? Once you figure out that, then I would say bring it up to your partner, but with a slightly clearer perspective. Now you know how to bring it up. If you think your partner's genuinely embarrassed of you, ashamed of you, and is avoiding you, then perhaps you can address the topic in a more. Maybe in a more emotional way. Like, be like, hey, I really feel like you're not present with me when we're out with friends. And it's really upsetting for me. And it makes me feel like you don't love me. Like, I. I hate to be extreme, but it makes me. Makes me feel like you don't love me. Actually. Don't apologize. Don't say, I hate to be this extreme. Don't say that. Just say it makes me feel like you don't love me, that you're not proud to be with me and it's really hurtful and it's like an issue that we need to resolve or else, like, I don't know what we're going to do. And you can also say to me, this feels like maybe even a deeper issue, like what's going on? You know, something feels kind of off. Now. If you think your boyfriend just isn't as affectionate with you, you're sure it's not that deep because maybe when you two are alone, he's incredibly affectionate. He's super present. It's just when you guys are in social settings, you feel like he's sort of ignoring you. If you think that's the case, I'd bring things up a little bit more gently because there's other signs in the relationship that are positive that show that, you know, he's there, he loves you, he's present. I would say bring it up maybe a bit less emotionally, perhaps a bit less extreme. I'd say something along the lines of, do you just forget about me when we're with our friends? Like, hello, I'm still here. What is that? You could bring it up casually like that. Just be like, why don't you like, give me a little kiss on the cheek every once in a while when we're around our friends. Why don't you check in every once in a while? What's with that? I think you can keep it light hearted. Sometimes conversations don't need to be this like intense sit down thing where it's like, hey, we need to talk. You know, sometimes it just makes sense to casually, in the car on the way home, be like, hey, what? I noticed this. It's interesting. Why do you do that? I don't. It's not that big of a deal. But why do you do that and just kind of put your feelers out and then if they're like, oh, I didn't even notice, then you could be like, well, listen, I'll be honest, it is a little bit upsetting for me sometimes. Then you can kind of take it up a notch. If they're like, well, the reason why I do that is because of this, perhaps. They say, well, I just, you know, I'm really present with you and it's just the two of us, so I want to make sure I give time and attention to our friends. Then to that you could choose what you want to say. If that's a fair enough answer, then maybe you just need to accept that that's how your partner chooses to show affection in public spaces with friends. They choose not to show affection at all. If that doesn't satisfy you, if you're still feeling bothered by it, then say, listen. That makes total sense. But also, I kind of need a little bit more. It really bugs me for some reason that you don't give me attention when we're all together. Maybe we could meet in the middle and you could give me a little bit more attention. And I won't expect too much necessarily, but maybe you could put a little bit more effort in and make me feel good again. The conversation could go like 50 different ways, but that is my advice. Bring it up and come up with solutions together. Depending on how your partner responds and depending on what you think the root of the issue is I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode is brought to you by Skims. I don't have any holiday pajama traditions, but maybe that'll change this year. I recently tried skim sleep in soft lounge collections and maybe my new long sleeve long pant set. My soft lounge sleep set will become my new holiday PJs that I wear during the colder months. It's also gifting season and if you're stomped on, what to get somebody skims PJs sounds like a good gift to me. I'd be stoked if I got that as a gift. So many options. Something for everyone. 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