Dr. Viviana Coles reveals why modern dating is chaotic and how many matches men are dating at once... (S4 E4 "What's Sex Got to Do With It")

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Are You A Charlotte? — Dr. Viviana Coles Reveals Why Modern Dating is Chaotic and How Many Matches Men Are Dating at Once

Host: Kristin Davis
Guest: Dr. Viviana Coles, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist & Certified Sex Therapist
Episode: S4 E4 "What's Sex Got to Do With It"
Release Date: April 9, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode bridges the world of Sex and the City with the chaos of modern dating, featuring expert insights from Dr. Viviana Coles. Host Kristin Davis and Dr. Coles dive into the shifting landscape of relationships, the challenges of dating apps, honesty in dating, and how people—especially men—are trying to break dating stereotypes. The conversation also delves into iconic “SATC” moments, sexual mentorship, chemistry, and the ongoing quest to keep intimacy alive in long-term relationships.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Miranda’s Sex Strike, Chocolate Addiction, and Relatable Moments

• [03:09 – 04:56]
  Kristin Davis expresses her love for Miranda’s storyline: her sex strike, switching pleasures to chocolate, ending up eating from the trash, and returning to her vibrator. The hosts laugh about the relatability and humor in these scenes.

  • Kristin: “Her whole storyline is about how she’s on a sex strike… and in the end she goes back to her vibrator. What do you think about that?”

• [04:56 – 05:26]
  Dr. Coles, addressing her practice, says she sees both singles and couples, noting an increase in men seeking help post-breakups, wanting to avoid repeating relational mistakes.

2. Men and Honesty in Modern Dating

• [05:26 – 07:56]
  Dr. Coles underscores a cultural shift: more men are seeking to shed the "F boy" label and aiming for honesty in their dating lives.

  • Dr. Coles: “Men are a little bit better about just saying it how it is. They’re like, I don’t want to be seen as an F boy.”

• She stresses the importance of honesty, suggesting that not lying about even the little things is crucial for authentic connection:

  • Dr. Coles [07:26]: "If people can just be more honest... you’ll be much more likely to have a really good relationship or a really good breakup. And that's better than the alternative."

3. The Dating App Dilemma

• [07:56 – 09:41]

  • Kristin shares her reluctance to join dating apps, referencing the overwhelming and non-committal swiping culture.

  • Dr. Coles laments the rise of AI-based interactions (“now they’re not even texting with each other, they’re texting with their ChatGPT”) and advocates a return to meeting “in the wild.”

    • Dr. Coles [08:22]: “All we need to get back to is dating in the wild.”

  • Advice: Look for connection during activities you genuinely enjoy, meet people organically, and expand your network through friends and acquaintances.

4. Samantha’s Storyline and Sexual Mentorship

• [09:48 – 14:37]

  • Kristin explores Samantha’s arc dating a woman (Maria) and her boldness in sexual agency.

  • Dr. Coles observes Samantha’s attraction to Maria’s confidence, noting confidence as the ultimate magnetism.

    • Dr. Coles [10:46]: “If you want to be sexy, show that you're confident… if you're confident, you're going to attract and be magnetic.”

  • Discussion about sexual mentorship, with Maria serving as Samantha’s “sexual spirit guide.”

    • Dr. Coles [12:30]: “Maybe she’s bisexual. But I think more than anything, she was just drawn to this person’s soul… It almost turned into, like, a sexual mentorship.”

5. Switching Addictions: Sex, Food, and the Psychology of Desire

• [14:37 – 16:09]
  • Dr. Coles draws parallels between sexual appetite and food cravings, referencing Miranda’s trade of chocolate for sex.
    • Dr. Coles [14:46]: “People can get… swap out one addiction for another. Hunger and sexual appetite are very, very strong.”
  • Abstinence from sex can lead to increased focus on food—"appetite" binds both experiences.

6. Dating Apps: Gamification, Consumption & Commitment Issues

• [22:36 – 24:24]

  • Apps are described as facilitating a “consumption” mentality—quick, shallow interactions.

  • Dr. Coles reveals a data point:

    • Dr. Coles [23:30]: “On average, men are dating seven people online at once… and I bet you if you were to ask ladies that are on the app, it’s up there now, too.”

  • She recommends singles “date with a purpose”—even proposing they ask for one month of exclusivity early on to fight the endless options.

    • Dr. Coles: “If you connect with somebody… ask them to give you a month of just dating you. Just one month.” ([24:07])

7. The First Date Interview Trap & Assessing Chemistry

• [25:09 – 28:58]
  • Discussing the trend toward job-interview-level questions on first dates; Dr. Coles says it’s invasive and takes the fun out of dating.
    • Dr. Coles [26:32]: “That’s a very invasive question, especially when you’re trying to keep things light on the first date.”
  • The pressure to establish chemistry in one meeting is detrimental; she urges listeners to always give a second date a chance unless there’s a clear red flag.
    • Dr. Coles [28:39]: "No matter what, you give somebody a second date... unless they did something incredibly harmful or said something repugnant."

8. Maintaining the Spark in Long-Term Relationships

• [28:58 – 32:29]
  • Kristin and Dr. Coles debate if an intense or slow-burn start is better for relationships. Dr. Coles says both can work if the connection is nurtured.
  • Dr. Coles shares insight from her books:
    • Dr. Coles [30:20]: “There’s so many people who are like, how do we connect in that way after so long… so one of the things my next book is about is keeping the spark alive.”
    • She recommends daily “light touching, flirting, joking”—keeping an undercurrent of sensuality present so intimacy isn’t a jarring event.
    • Dr. Coles [31:25]: “You need to be connecting on a daily basis so that… the spark is always there. It may not be a roaring fire…”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Modern Men and Honesty:

  • Dr. Coles [05:28]: "More men are coming in for [dating advice]...they don't want to be seen as an F boy."
  • Kristin [05:54]: "The younger generation... gives me hope. This is great."

• On Dating Apps:

  • Dr. Coles [23:30]: “On average, men are dating seven people online at once. No."
  • Kristin [23:31]: “That’s a lot.”

• On Meeting in Real Life:

  • Dr. Coles [08:22]: “We need to get back to dating in the wild.”

• On Chemistry:

  • Dr. Coles [27:45]: “It’s not at the top… If you’re only giving somebody that first date to find out if there’s chemistry, you’re just cutting yourself off at the knees.”

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• 03:09 – Introduction: Miranda’s sex strike & food-swapping storyline
• 05:05 – Dr. Coles’ work with singles & couples; rise of men seeking dating help
• 07:26 – The power of honesty in dating
• 08:22 – The dating app dilemma and “dating in the wild” philosophy
• 09:48 – Samantha, sexual agency, and confidence as magnetic
• 14:37 – Swapping addictions: Sex, food, and desire
• 22:36 – Dating app culture: gamification & “consumption”
• 23:30 – “Men are dating seven people online at once”
• 24:07 – The “one month exclusivity” suggestion
• 25:09 – The pressure of first-date interview questions
• 27:45 – Chemistry: Why it shouldn’t make or break the first date
• 30:20 – Maintaining long-term intimacy and keeping the spark alive

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Final Thoughts & Takeaways

• Modern dating is characterized by overwhelming options, a consumption mindset, and often a lack of real connection—especially on apps.
• Honesty, intention, and organic meeting contexts are crucial antidotes to dating chaos.
• Sexual confidence, ongoing communication, and nurturing sensuality are critical for long-term relationship health.
• “Always give a second date”—chemistry can take time, and first impressions aren’t the whole story.
• Both men and women are seeking more meaningful connections and working to move past common dating stereotypes.

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Are you a Charlotte? Dr. Viviana proudly claims she is. The episode blends heart, humor, and actionable advice—proving why Sex and the City’s themes are as relevant now as ever.

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Transcript

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[Kristen Davis]

Hi, I'm Kristen Davis And I want to know, are you a Charlotte? Welcome back, everybody, to are you a Charlot? Part 2. Today we have a super fun and interesting guest. Her name is Dr. Viviana Coles. She is a licensed marriage and family therapist and a certified sex therapist. We're gonna Talk about episode 404, what Sex Got to do with it. Thanks for joining us. Here we go. I love Miranda's storyline. It's not that involved, but it's so relatable. And it leads to her eating from the trash, which is one of my all time favorite Miranda things ever do, ever.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

Okay. It's not just a Miranda thing, you know, you know, you have done, you have eaten out of the trash. Kristen. I mean, I might have.

[Kristen Davis]

It's hard to think of because I've got my kids, right? And so, like, I would need them to be in bed. Dirty, mean, like if they're in bed and not watching. Because you can't do things like that in front of the kids, really. But like, I feel like sometimes I throw like candy out or things, you know, and then I'm like, oh, why did I throw that away? I want to eat that, you know, but, but I, I, it's, it's, it's rare. It's rare, I have to say. But I think it's so, so adorable. Like, her whole storyline is about how she's on a sex strike, which is really funny, and she's gonna replace it with chocolate and John Stewart, which is so cute. And then she just keeps eating the chocolate and she buys this expensive chocolate, but then, no, she's gonna buy it and then she doesn't. Then she gets her Betty Crocker. I mean, there's so many adorable things in this storyline. But then in the end she goes back to her vibrator. What do you think about that?

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

Old faithful?

[Kristen Davis]

I know. What do you, as a therapist, I mean, I don't know how many, like, do you also see single people or just couples?

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

I do. I see single people. More specifically, single people who are coming out of having had a really painful relationship, whether it was three years ago or three weeks ago. And they're like, I just don't want to repeat that. So please help me date. No way to figure.

[Kristen Davis]

Oh, yeah, and you help them date.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

Yes.

[Kristen Davis]

I need to call you.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

More men. More, more and more men are coming in for that. No way that it was more women, but now more and more men are like, I, I don't know. I will say I think that men are a little bit better about just saying it how it is. Like, they're like, I. I don't want to be seen as an F boy. Like, I don't want to be that guy. Yes.

[Kristen Davis]

The younger generation.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

Well, good for them. Good for them.

[Kristen Davis]

This is. Gives me hope. This is great. So you're saying they come in and they're like, I don't want to be seen as a boy.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

Wow.

[Kristen Davis]

And what do you recommend for someone who might come in saying this?

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

I want them to be. I encourage them to be very honest, because on the other side of the couch, typically I will have women who are coming in and say, I can't trust anybody. All they do, you know, these men are lying. These men are lying. So I'm like, okay, let me. Nobody likes that. But if you're dating, like, just don't lie about the little things. Don't lie about the big things. Just don't lie. And then you can actually probably find somebody, you know, the lid to your pot. And. And I think I was literally just working with somebody this. A single man this morning, and I was telling him, I said, look, this dating that you did with this particular person for the past six weeks, you have come in every week and told me everything that's gone on. We've gone over your feelings, your thoughts, what she said, how you did it, what all that you didn't do anything. I can't tell you that you did anything wrong. She just wasn't aligned with you. She doesn't want the same things at the same time. But if I were you, I would tell you to do everything that you did the exact same way. And he was like, are you kidding me? Like, no. Like, I think if it didn't work out, that means I have to do something different. Like, there are two people involved here, definitely. And she told you she's not ready for what you're wanting. That doesn't mean you have to change.

[Kristen Davis]

Right.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

So while that doesn't happen often, more often than not, I'm like, yeah, you got to tweak this. You got to tweak that. But with. With a lot of them, it's just, be honest. I honestly, like, if people can just be more honest, and I don't mean necessarily direct or blunt because that. I feel like there should be some finesse there. But if you're honest, I think you'll be much more likely to have a really good relationship or a really good breakup. And that's better than the alternative.

[Kristen Davis]

Definitely better than the alternative. I mean, it's all very interesting because I. I Am a single mother of two children and it takes all my time up. But when I first started this podcast, everyone was like, you should get on the dating apps. You should get on the dating apps. And I didn't want to do it, and I still haven't done it. And it does seem like it's this whole culture of the swiping and then people text with other people, but then they don't ever see them in person, apparently.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

Well, now they're not even texting with each other. They're texting with their chat GPT. It's awful and it's only getting worse, y'. All, we need to get back to dating in the wild. I think I've been married for over 18 years, so wow.

[Kristen Davis]

But impressive.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

I do think that dating in the wild, all those people who are like, oh, I can't show up to singles events, well, then you don't need to be in a relationship. Go meet somebody through someone. Go do something that you love and that or that you're interested in and talk to the person next to you. Maybe they don't end up being a good fit, but maybe their brother is, maybe, maybe their cousin, maybe their co worker. The other thing that I was just talking, I was on a. A local show here in Houston, a late night show where anything goes, by the way, it's so fun. And I was telling. I talking to one of the bartenders and he said, he's like, I just don't understand how people are. Are dating, but they're not. They're not going to places where they would want to spend more time. I'm like, exactly. You should be going to do things that you would want to do. Because then if not, if you go to this thing and it's not at all what you're into and you meet somebody who's into it, then you're already starting off at a deficit.

[Kristen Davis]

Sure.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

It's wild. It's. While d. Dating in the wild is. Is now, I think, where people should be going.

[Kristen Davis]

Good. I like that very much. I like that very much. Let's talk about Samantha. Because we didn't talk about Samantha. And boy, does she have some interesting things. Okay, so just fundamentally, as a sex therapist, what do you think about? I mean, Samantha has this, you know, kind of joy in terms of, like, I'm gonna do exactly what I want, you know, when I want it, how I want it, all of the things. She's very in charge of herself and her sex life and decides kind of randomly, it seems like to me, to date a. A woman which we haven't ever seen, and not even just to have sex with a woman, but to be in a relationship with a woman, which to me seems like a pretty big leap for Samantha. Right?

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

Yeah. It's funny because I think it was Carrie who's like, wait a minute, you're in a relationship, Right, Right, right.

[Kristen Davis]

Totally. It's shocking. Yeah, definitely. What do you make of that?

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

I think Samantha was so attracted to. I think her name is Maria.

[Kristen Davis]

Right.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

So attracted to Maria's self confidence. And that is true. I'm always telling women, if you want to be sexy, show that you're confident. It doesn't matter what you've been through, what your body's been through, but if you're confident, you're going to attract and you're going to be magnetic. And I think Samantha was just like a moth drawn to a flame to this woman who was even more so confident sexually and confident in who she is and what she wants. And with her body. I loved that Samantha was like, do you know that we have three holes?

[Kristen Davis]

Yeah, that was pretty funny.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

How did Samantha not know?

[Kristen Davis]

I know, I know, I know.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

That's huge. And that just goes to show us, like, she's really learning something. She's getting this education that sometimes can only come from another woman.

[Kristen Davis]

For sure. For sure. And I also feel like it might also be because she hasn't really been in relationships with these guys. She just. It's. It's kind of limited in terms of her exploration, I guess. I don't know if that's the right way to put it because I guess it's all for a short time. It's everything and then it's over. Right. Which with a man, that's going to be totally different than what it looks like with a woman.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

It is. And the fact that Maria was like, oh, no, no, no, we're not going to do that. Like, we're going to talk, we're going to. We're going to, you know, this isn't about sex. And it was almost like, well, then what? It's, you know, she's thinking, what is this about?

[Kristen Davis]

Right.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

And then she finds out. And, you know, maybe. I think Samantha was probably not a lesbian. Like she proclaims. I think if anything, she. She really just was very attracted to this one particular person.

[Kristen Davis]

Right.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

Maybe she's bisexual. But I think more than anything, she was just drawn to this person's soul and drawn to this person's spirit and conf. And it. I think it almost turned into, like, a sexual mentorship.

[Kristen Davis]

I agree. Now, if someone came to you as a client and said, like, let's say Samantha was your client, and she said, you know, I haven't ever really been with a woman except in a threesome with a guy, but yet this woman, I'm just so fascinated. Would you say, like, yeah, go for it, or would you say, like, well, maybe we don't want to jump all the way in. Oh, what would you say?

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

I mean, they're adults. What they're doing is safe, sane, and consensual. So I'd say, go for it. Got it.

[Podcast Advertiser]

Got it.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

The harm is there, regardless of who you're dating, as far as getting your heart broken or possibly having an issue with harm or abuse or anything like that. So I would have said, you seem so enthralled by this person. I think you need to see it out, or else she'll be the one that got away. You never know.

[Kristen Davis]

Interesting. So you wouldn't. Because part of me, when I'm watching it, I'm thinking, like, poor Maria, you know, Sam's not really gay.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

I think Maria had her number. I think she got it. I think she knew who Samantha was and was probably like, you know what? I'm. I think she got something out of it. I think it was nefarious. I don't think it was manipulative. I think it was just one of those things. It was probably really entertaining too.

[Kristen Davis]

Right, Right, right, right.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

Everyone. It's always nice to feel like you are ahead of the game sometimes. And I think, you know, sometimes it can make you feel a little puffy, a little good about yourself to say, you know what? I know a little bit more about this. And that can happen with sex too.

[Kristen Davis]

Well, that's a good point. That's a good point, because that is kind of how she is. She is the mentor, as you're saying, and that must be fun for her.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

Yeah, she's the guide.

[Kristen Davis]

Yeah.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

I'm gonna be your sexual spirit guide.

[Kristen Davis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. That's well put. That's really well put. I mean, it is such a departure in. In so many ways that sometimes I'm like, wow, I can't. I can't believe we did this. And. Cool, you know?

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

Yeah, very cool. And going back to Miranda, you know, a lot of times people can get. They can swap out one addiction for another.

[Kristen Davis]

Right.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

And, you know, I'm often working with singles who are dealing with maybe a pornography addiction at times. Addiction to the chase. Right. Chasing a partner. But not necessarily wanting to be with them.

[Kristen Davis]

Yes.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

Chasing attention, we're all chasing something. But sometimes it can become really overpowering and addictive. And I think with Miranda, that kind of crossing the wires of the food with the sex we both have intern, those we all. But those, those two urges are very strong. Hunger and sexual appetite and desire are. They're very, very strong. So there's a reason they call it appetite. It's, it's very similar. So this happens more often than not. And sometimes when people try to go with abstinence, they turn to food.

[Kristen Davis]

Oh, goodness. Goodness, that's so interesting. I never really thought that through. I mean, I guess it just makes sense to me when she does it right. Like, I guess there's part of all of us that relates or whatever. But I don't know that, like, I don't know that it was necessarily something where I was like, I am not gonna have sex. It was just what was presenting itself. Right. So then chocolate's always there.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

It was just like, oh no, I just haven't been with any or seen anybody I want to be with.

[Kristen Davis]

Right, right. But then there's. There is some chocolate.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

So.

[Kristen Davis]

Yay.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

One of the life's guilty pleasures.

[Kristen Davis]

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I wonder, back to the apps, and as you were saying the chase to me, and I've mostly talked to guys who are on the apps about this when I was trying to figure out how does it actually work? And it did seem like because you can. It's access to a lot of people without a lot of effort.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

Commitment and effort. It's so gamified. Right. Right.

[Kristen Davis]

It doesn't seem healthy.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

I don't have a lot of great things to say about the apps. Very rarely have I found that people have only positive experiences on the app. But, like, most people don't have positive experiences in. In dating in the wild either.

[Kristen Davis]

So true.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

But I just feel like it's. It's very lopsided. I think it's. I think that a lot of apps are geared towards just consumption. Consumption. Consumption. Yeah, but they're not really geared towards, hey, let's see what happens when I try to connect with one person. On average, men are dating seven people online at once. No.

[Kristen Davis]

That's a lot.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

Wow. Yeah. And I bet you if you were to ask ladies that are on the app, it's up there now, too, because it. And a lot of them will say it's a numbers game because they're. They're talking to people, but they're not necessarily in conversation. It's not. And, you know, I will often tell people like look, if you connect with somebody online or in real life, and you are both dating with a purpose, dating with intention, or at least feel like you're. You are or want to be, then you need to ask them to give you a month of just dating you. Just one month. If you ask somebody for three months, they're gonna. It's gonna be like, whoa, that's too much of a commitment. But you say, look, for one month, can we just date each other? And then if there's nothing there, we can move on. And a lot of times they're like, oh, my gosh, that seems so bold. And I'm like, it's one month.

[Kristen Davis]

Totally, totally. But I do feel like that's where the apps have kind of led the dating culture to this, like, consumption, as you said. Just, like, so much. So much. And then the other day, I can't remember what I was looking at, but it had. It must have been Instagram. It had, like, questions to ask someone on a first date, and it was a long list, and they were very involved, and I was like, wow, if anyone asked me all these questions on a first date, I think I would have a breakdown. But it was things like, you know, tell me the last time you. Oh, it was like, it's. It must have been, because I follow a lot of dogs on the Instagram. It said, what. What did. What does your pet think of you? Like, really interesting things.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

Okay, if that's, like, the one question, that's cute, right? Because it's. You know, a lot of times I. I've heard people say a version of that, but I love that. Like, you know, you might get some insight. But I think that that's more of a question that you should ask yourself just a lot. Like when people say, how would your kids describe you?

[Kristen Davis]

Right.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

And now there's a trend going around where it's like, how would your kids describe you if you went missing? Which is kind of funny. Which is kind of funny.

[Kristen Davis]

Oh, dear.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

Yeah. Like, how. How would somebody. How would your best friend describe you? How would your colleague describe you? How would your child describe you? How would your dog describe you? I think that that's a really cute way of getting you to. To say, hmm, how do I come across to others?

[Kristen Davis]

Got it. So do you think these are good questions?

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

I mean, I don't. I don't think they're. But I think if you've got a long list, though, there was a. That is a job interview.

[Kristen Davis]

Right, right, right, right. It's too much work. It seemed like Work this long list. But I guess you're right. It is like kind of just thinking outside the box. Not just like, where did you grow up? Or whatever. Like, that can get kind of. Kind of dull.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

Or if you were to tell somebody, like, you know, tell me what are your flaws? Or, you know, because that's basically what you're asking is, like, what are your strengths and what are your weaknesses? That's a. That's a very invasive question, especially when you're trying to keep things light on the first date.

[Kristen Davis]

Yeah, I. I'd be so scared.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

Yeah. These days with dating, though, there's a lot of pressure. You. You will likely not get a second date. And so there's this sense of. It's not just first impression, but I need to figure out what I need to know before I even try to get a second date.

[Kristen Davis]

Interesting.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

It's just tough. It's tough with. With the. The volume. The sheer volume of people that are online and the fact that we give all of them, like, 0.3 seconds of a. Just a picture. Yeah. Before we keep going.

[Kristen Davis]

Right.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

I'm very fortunate not to be dating online right now or dating in general. Right now I date my husband. We went out to date last night.

[Kristen Davis]

That's good.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

That's good. But. But I do think that talking to your friends and even just telling others, I'm looking for somebody special. If you think that there's somebody who I could possibly have something in common with and you know that they're not psychos, send them away.

[Kristen Davis]

Definitely. So that I have another question. It's kind of a general question, but I'm just curious. Because of your specialty. Right. If you're talking to people who. Who are dating, where would you put chemistry initially?

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

It's not at the top.

[Kristen Davis]

Interesting.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

It's not at the top because I do believe that there is something to chemistry in terms of, like, whether or not you get a positive or a negative feel from someone or vibes. Right. This, like. But that could also just be that they had an awful day, they got cut off in traffic, they got bad news. Like, you don't really know where those vibes are coming from. And so if you're only giving somebody that first date to find out if there's chemistry, I feel like you're just cutting yourself off at the knees. It's so important to plan on having a second date. And there are some people online who will say, no matter what, you give somebody a second date. And I absolutely agree.

[Kristen Davis]

Interesting.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

Unless they did something that was incredibly harmful or even just like maybe they said something that was just repugnant.

[Kristen Davis]

Right.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

They could have just been having a bad day and having a second chance to then confirm or deny what you're thinking is important.

[Kristen Davis]

That's interesting. So if with your couples, if you're thinking about people who are married and might come to you because they're having intimacy issues, is it something where do you ever think to yourself, I don't know, maybe this is not a good question for therapists. But like, you know how sometimes you might have couples where they were like super attracted in the beginning. Right. And everything was very hot and heavy and then they get married and years later and the children and the jobs and everything and it's not so hot and heavy. But then they can refer back to that. Like, I've heard people talk about this like you need that kind of intense time in the beginning so that you have that kind of ability and shared memories to hearken back to. And then there's other people and I mean, I'm talking about my friends really. Right. Who say like, it's better if it builds slowly in the beginning because then you're really getting to know each other and that's where it's coming from. Does that make sense?

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

I think if you're trying to be in a long term relationship, you can't go wrong with either, with having either one of those. That's not where people go wrong is whether they're. They slowly build up or they start off strong and then it. But it's that it doesn't transform. Transform into something long term. It. They think if the fire isn't just burning at 400 degrees that something is wrong. They think we're not compatible.

[Kristen Davis]

Got it, got it, got it.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

And that's actually one of the reasons I wrote this book, the four intimacy styles. That's why I wrote my book. Because there's so many people who are like, how do we, how do we connect in that way after so long when life gets in the way? And, and it's the answer to we know our love languages, but what about sex? And then I started getting the question more and more often from interviews from clients, from just people who corner me in a party. How do we keep the spark alive? How do we keep the spark alive? So one of the. That's my, my next book that's coming out. I'll have to be back, hopefully.

[Kristen Davis]

Fantastic. Yes.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

But it's called Pillow Talk and it's all about that underlying current of sensuality that couples must keep alive in order to dip into when they want to have sex. Sex can't just be cold, hot, cold, hot. Turn on the light switch. Right, Right. And a lot of women will tell me, it feels like we won't talk for what feels like three days. And then the next time he wants to talk to me, it's to have sex.

[Kristen Davis]

Right.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

And it makes zero sense. It feels like sex comes out of nowhere is what they tell me.

[Kristen Davis]

Right.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

And I'm like, okay, so you need be able to have little flirting, talking, touching, joking. You need to be connecting on a daily basis so that. That intimacy, the spark is always there. It may not be a roaring fire. Maybe the roaring fire only happens on Wednesdays at 8pm when you've scheduled sex, which I'm a fan of, or when you go on vacation with each other or. But it can't. It can't come out of nowhere. It's not satisfying. Women are not built this way. We. We can't just have it go cold to hot and. And men to a degree don't either, but they're just a lot quicker with the fantasies. Right. They're able to get that arousal going.

[Kristen Davis]

Right.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

So I'm just. I'm a big fan of transitioning to something that is more long term, and I love to talk to people about how to do that because I do believe that. That being in. If you're going to choose to be in a healthy relation or in a relationship, it needs to be healthy.

[Kristen Davis]

Right?

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

It does. That's the only way it's going to enhance your life, enhance your businesses, enhance your parenting, all of that. And when you're not, there are resources out there. There's. There's really no excuse to not know what to do. Like Trey did not know what to do. I know to deal with things these days.

[Kristen Davis]

Right, Right. Okay, I have one really pressing last question for you. Are you a Charlotte?

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

I am absolutely a Charlotte. I mean, absolutely. And all of my friends have told me, I am such a Charlotte. I don't even curse. Like, when she said the F word, I was like, what? And that's. That's how. Yeah, like I. I am such a Charlotte. And I'm so glad to be on with you.

[Kristen Davis]

Oh, thank you. You're amazing. We definitely want to have you back. That was super, super informative. And thank you. Thank you so much for everything in the books. I can't wait to read the books.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

Thank you so much. Yeah, I love the topic. I love, love, and it seems like you do too.

[Kristen Davis]

I do, I do. But Also, it's just great to have a professional, you know, and you're. You're in it, and you've been in it for a long time. And I love to hear, like, the reality, you know, what's actually happening for people out there in the world. It's really helpful. Thank you.

[Dr. Viviana Coles]

Thank you.

[Kristen Davis]

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[Dr. Viviana Coles]

Then she says, have you seen a photo of my son? And I'm like, who is this person?

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