Cautionary Tales w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley - Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast

Transcript

H. Foley (0:00)

Hear ye, hear ye. The good people of Pittsburgh and Cleveland. The boys are coming for that Back on the block tour. We added second shows, and they're selling fast.

Kevin Ryan (0:08)

Yeah, baby. April 14th, we're going to be at the Pittsburgh improv. And then April 16th, we're going to be at Hilarities in Cleveland. Tickets are going fast. The first show's sold out. Second show's now high demand. Get the tickets. We'll see you there.

H. Foley (0:19)

See you there. Welcome to another exciting edition of are you Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are you Garbage? Oh, yeah. It's our little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that if they grew up to be classy or they're just a big old piece of trash.

Kevin Ryan (0:52)

Trash, trash, trash.

H. Foley (0:53)

I'm your host, Paige Foley. Coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in the new edition. Tonight's strip poker night.

Kevin Ryan (0:59)

Okay?

H. Foley (1:00)

So we gotta be out of the house.

Kevin Ryan (1:01)

All right.

H. Foley (1:02)

Just her and another guy.

Kevin Ryan (1:03)

Ooh, I wonder. She's gonna bluff every. Ah, shit. You got me.

H. Foley (1:08)

Mike Hoes is coming at you from across the table. This is what we call a family episode. Just the boys, the bozos, and the homies. He is the CEO of RU Garbage. He is an international businessman, and he's the king of the burbs, baby. Give it up for kj. Kevin James Ryan.

Kevin Ryan (1:22)

Yeah.

H. Foley (1:23)

How you doing Spackling this weekend.

Kevin Ryan (1:25)

Kim the Tool Man Taylor out here. Yeah. King of the burbs. Shout out to everybody tuning in as always, please make sure you rate review. Subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Also full video available now on Spotify. And apparently those numbers are cooking over. All right over there then obviously the greatest website of all time. Www.patreon.com R. Garbage. You go over there, you get all that bonus content, gang. And last but not least, the new RU garbage card game is out. Available on r garbage.com the 3rd edition. The 3rd 2025 edition. If you act now, you don't save, you don't get a discount. So just get them.

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Cautionary Tales" Episode of Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast

Episode Information:

Title: Cautionary Tales
Hosts: Kevin Ryan & H. Foley
Release Date: March 27, 2025
Description: In this episode, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley delve into a series of listener-submitted stories and scenarios to determine whether certain behaviors and anecdotes categorize individuals as "Garbage" or "Classy." Filled with humor, personal anecdotes, and sharp wit, the hosts navigate through a variety of cautionary tales that illuminate the fine line between quirky and questionable actions.

Introduction to Cautionary Tales

The episode kicks off after initial promotions and advertisements, transitioning smoothly into the main content where the hosts focus on "Cautionary Tales." This segment features stories submitted by listeners, each presenting a scenario that the hosts dissect to evaluate the "garbage" factor.

Listener Questions and Discussions

1. Personal Pizza Orders During Spouse's Meal

Listener: Kirk
Scenario: Ordering a personal pizza after completing an entree while the spouse finishes their meal.

Discussion Highlights:
- H. Foley empathizes with the dilemma, sharing her own experiences: “I happened to be in this predicament just this weekend” ([18:09]).
- Kevin Ryan humorously critiques the practicality of ordering pizza mid-meal: “You’re holding the plate, you’re holding the fucking slice. That's trashy” ([25:12]).

2. Eating Pizza While Driving

Listener: Foley CPAP
Scenario: Consuming a large pizza with the box on the dashboard while driving.

Discussion Highlights:
- Kevin Ryan acknowledges his fondness for eating in the car but concedes the messiness: “Nobody's eating a fucking large pizza off the dashboard. That's fucking trash” ([25:29]).
- H. Foley adds to the critique by questioning the practicality and appearance: “That looks like we were robbed” ([09:21]).

3. Dressing Down a Waiter During a Family Dinner

Listener: James
Scenario: An uncle aggressively confronts a waiter over service issues at Gibson's Steakhouse.

Discussion Highlights:
- Kevin Ryan labels the behavior as "dickhead move" and emphasizes the inappropriateness of such actions in front of children: “You can't just be putting that up” ([51:17]).
- H. Foley agrees, highlighting the negative example it sets for younger generations: “You’re just teaching that generation” ([53:08]).

4. Sliding Down Handrails on Stairs

Listener: Tim
Scenario: Sliding down handrails when walking down steps.

Discussion Highlights:
- H. Foley shares a childhood attempt and the resulting mishap, reinforcing the notion that such behavior is reckless: “The first time I tried to slide down the railing at my house, I went right over” ([43:38]).
- Kevin Ryan warns about the dangers, linking it to potential injuries: “If you do that, that's crazy” ([43:32]).

5. Owning Excessive Tractors and Sharing Them

Listener: Melly Mel
Scenario: A father owns 21 tractors but only five are operational, reluctant to share them even for practical uses like mowing the lawn.

Discussion Highlights:
- Kevin Ryan questions the practicality and generosity, suggesting it’s “garbage” behavior: “You got 21 tractors, only four of them work. I mean, how big?” ([62:02]).
- H. Foley humorously proposes solutions, highlighting the absurdity: “Take a broker one and fix it, bring it back” ([62:20]).

6. Taking a 12-Hour Bus Ride as a Teenager for Work

Listener: CPAP
Scenario: A teenager takes a long bus ride to work for a boyfriend’s company moving oil rigs, encountering a hostile lead hand.

Discussion Highlights:
- Kevin Ryan likens the situation to child labor, critiquing the exploitative nature: “It probably sounds like child labor, which I'm okay with” ([54:10]).
- H. Foley expresses relief that her own upbringing didn't involve such exploitation: “I’m glad my parents weren't like that” ([54:54]).

Key Themes and Insights

Generosity vs. Greed: The episode explores the thin line between being generous and overly possessive, as seen in the story about the father with numerous tractors. The hosts emphasize the importance of sharing and practicality over hoarding resources.
Public Conduct and Role Modeling: Through the story of the uncle confronting a waiter, the hosts discuss how adults' public behavior greatly influences younger generations. They highlight the responsibility of adults to maintain decorum, especially in family settings.
Safety and Recklessness: Sliding down handrails and eating while driving are scrutinized for their inherent dangers. The hosts use humor to underscore the potential risks, advocating for safer, more responsible actions.
Exploitation and Childhood Experiences: The discussion about the teenager's long bus ride to work raises questions about exploitation and the impact of childhood experiences on one's perception of work and responsibility.
Personal Anecdotes Enhance Relatability: Both hosts share personal stories and childhood memories, creating a relatable and engaging atmosphere. This approach not only entertains but also provides depth to their comedic insights.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

Kevin Ryan on Public Behavior: “You can’t just be putting that up” ([51:17]).
H. Foley on Setting Examples: “You’re just teaching that generation” ([53:08]).
Kevin Ryan on Eating Pizza in Car: “Nobody's eating a fucking large pizza off the dashboard. That's fucking trash” ([25:29]).
H. Foley on Sliding Down Handrails: “That’s crazy” ([43:32]).
Kevin Ryan on Tractor Hoarding: “You got 21 tractors, only four of them work. I mean, how big?” ([62:02]).
H. Foley on Exploitative Work: “I’m glad my parents weren’t like that” ([54:54]).

Conclusion

In "Cautionary Tales," Kevin Ryan and H. Foley adeptly blend humor with critical social observations, dissecting listener-submitted scenarios to determine their "garbage" status. Through engaging discussions and personal anecdotes, the hosts highlight essential lessons on generosity, responsible behavior, and the impact of one's actions on others. This episode serves as both an entertaining and insightful exploration of everyday dilemmas, reinforcing the podcast's unique blend of comedy and candid conversation.

Additional Notes:

Promotions Skipped: The initial segments containing advertisements for concert tickets, Open Phone, Progressive Insurance, and the RU Garbage card game were omitted to focus solely on the episode's core content.
Listener Engagement: The hosts encourage listener participation through Patreon, where submissions and interactions are featured, fostering a community-driven environment.