Ever Been Punched by an Adult?! w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Summary

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Are You Garbage? – "Ever Been Punched by an Adult?!"

Hosts: Kevin Ryan & H. Foley
Date: December 15, 2025

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Overview

In this lively "family episode," comedians Kevin Ryan and H. Foley riff without a guest, digging into the subtle and not-so-subtle ways people are "garbage." They field listeners' questions, reminisce about trashy habits and family chaos, and debate the finer points of coffee pots, mail, weird food pairings, and being socked by an adult. The tone is classic AYG: rapid-fire, affectionate ball-busting, with nostalgia for blue-collar habits and the derelict ways we all grew up.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Life Updates & Suburban Trash

• Foley opens with a self-deprecating bit on his old CPAP machine, boasting duct tape and DIY straps.

  “I took a bandana or a headband and made my own strap, which I think if I did...what is your apartment in a post-apocalyptic world? Go buy new gear. What are we doing?” (01:12, B)

• They discuss Kevin’s life in the suburbs, mail logistics, and dad stuff. Foley wonders about Kevin's mail routine:

  “Do you pull up to the mailbox and take the mail out when you’re in the car?” (09:14, A)

  • Kevin explains his is a walk-up mailbox: “Our mail’s delivered by foot.” (11:04, B)
  • No one on the show has ever trusted or used the mailbox flag for outgoing mail.

2. Clothing Habits & Fat-Guy Fashion

• Foley and Kevin compare sartorial notes: quarter-zips, polo, Carhartt, and being big boys in big sizes.

  Foley: “They do big guy sizes, too.” (07:22, A)

• H. Foley jokes about buying a sweater for a funeral years ago, and only now fitting in it.

3. On Diners, Fast Food, and Beverage Rituals

• The hosts wax philosophical about breakfast joint etiquette:
  • Both are pro–coffee pots on the table at diners.
  • At gas stations, open-air coffee is a no-go:

    “Never go near it. I’m a weird germaphobe guy.” (21:17, A)

• They dive into drinks and fast food:
  • Fast food must be accompanied by its own category of beverage (Coke, not beer).
  • European-style combos (burger and beer, wine with McDonalds) feel wrong.

  “It’s not a burger. It’s fast food. It all comes in a bag. An external drink like a beer…doesn’t mix in.” (22:37, B) “McDonald’s…that’s after you’re drunk…But no, I do respect that move—a Quarter Pounder with cheese and an ice-cold garage beer sounds delicious.” (24:07, A)

4. Listener Questions: "Am I Garbage?"

• Hilarious hypotheticals ensue as listeners poke at the concept of high and low trashiness:
  • Is it garbage to pair McDonald’s with alcohol?
  • Ever gotten punched by an adult?
  • Would you drink soup straight from the can?
  • What about Hot Pockets overkill (like a 91-year-old ordering $600 of them)?
  • Do you have a family member who got caught on the news for a crime?

5. Family, Charity, and Guilt

• Foley claims he gives to charity; Kevin and their producer mock-accuse him of lying.
  • Long bit as they play chicken over who’s more charitable, with Foley finally agreeing to volunteer “after the holidays.” (47:49+)

  “I give the fuckin’ St. Jude’s every time I go to DXL. They’re probably into me for like two grand.” (47:58, A)

  • The team discusses possible volunteer opportunities: soup kitchens, rat control, acting classes for kids.

6. “Ever Been Punched by an Adult?!”

• Foley and Kevin tell their own stories:
  • Producer’s listener tale: a DJ’s assistant at a Sweet 16 hits on teens, fights break out, 14-year-old gets punched (!), cops clear party. (61:10+)

  “Dude, imagine hitting on a 16 year old, then punching a 14 year old. That guy’s in jail and deserves to be. That’s crazy.” (61:20, B)

  • Foley: At a graduation party, an adult decks one of the teenage guests after (alleged) disrespect.

    “We were all like ready to bounce on this guy. Mom comes running down the driveway screaming…” (62:57, A)

7. Iconic Foods & Nostalgic Eats

• Hot Pockets & Lean Pockets: degenerate favorites, with elaborate theorizing about cooking, serving size, and “back when I was banging, they were two packs.” (35:08, B)
• Soup in a can: All agree it’s extremely garbage, especially if you leave leftovers in the can in the fridge (“botulism!”).
• Cup Noodles, sodium, and college grub: “I had like two or three one day. He’s like, that stuff’s bad for you. I said get out of here…” (64:57, A)

8. Wacky Family & Trashy Situations

• Reading off the news and recognizing a cousin falling through the ceiling of a robbed pharmacy leads to a discussion of various criminal family moments.
• Stories about tough Christmases, ruined holidays, running into neighbors at mass, and cold, comforter-less parents’ homes.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On suburb life and mail:
  “You make that guy get out…Man. Being a suburban mailman, you don’t get one of the cars. That sucks.” (11:15, A)
• On fast food and beer:
  “That’s not a burger. It’s fast food. It all comes in a bag. An external drink like a beer…doesn’t mix in.” (22:37, B)
• On charity boasting:
  “I give the fuckin’ St. Jude’s every time I go to DXL. They’re probably into me for like two grand.” (47:58, A)
• On being punched by an adult:
  “Dude, imagine hitting on a 16 year old, then punching a 14 year old. That guy’s in jail and deserves to be.” (61:20, B)
• On trashy nostalgia:
  “Back when I was banging, they were two-packs.” (35:08, B)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Suburban mail & trash talk: 09:14–12:30
• Diner coffee etiquette & gas station horror: 13:08–21:34
• Fast food and drinks, is burger+beer garbage?: 22:03–26:09
• Giving to charity: Foley vs. the World: 45:48–47:58
• Listener Q: "Ever been punched by an adult?”: 39:52–43:20, then resumes with listener’s tale at 61:10–62:57
• Soup in a can & junk food nostalgia: 63:03–65:00

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Tone & Language

Relentlessly playful, irreverent, and self-deprecating. The guys riff in their familiar trashy-comedy dialect, mocking their own garbage ways, busting each other’s balls in a loving way, and inviting listeners to own their quirks.

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Summary

If you ever wondered whether McDonald's and beer is a sin, if it's okay to trust open coffee at a rest stop, or what to do when your grandpa orders $600 of Hot Pockets, this episode delivers. In-between trashy food confessions and tales of youthful (and adult) chaos, Kevin and Foley never let up on the laugh pedal—or the self-examination.

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End of Summary

Transcript

[A]

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are you Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Ru Garbage.

[B]

You know it.

[A]

It's that little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that it's a group to be classy. Yeah, just a big old piece of tr.

[B]

Trash. Trash. Trash.

[A]

I'm your host, Dave Trolley. Coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here with Tooties in the new edition. She's having some trouble with her CPAP machine.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Keeps giving her a red mark on her nose.

[B]

Uh huh. And apparently lines under her eyes. You can see the straps. Those strap marks are all over you, dog.

[A]

That's not about me.

[B]

That's crazy. You think that sweater's gonna disguise the fucking. The. It looks like you're playing football. Middle linebacker or something. God damn. Dude.

[A]

I gotta stop wearing my punter's helmet. I had to make my own strap cuz my shit's all busted. It's got duct tape on it. And I took a bandana or a headband and I made my own strap, which I think if I did.

[B]

You live. What is your apartment in a poke? Post apocalyptic world. Go buy new gear. What are we doing?

[A]

It takes. It's a pain in the ass to get this stuff. I got a guy on 71st Street. I gotta go up there and take a look around and see what he's got. Aunt Tudy got kicked out of the Rockettes last night or what. Threw a kick and she thought they were making a move on her. Fuck, I should have went with that. Mike. Hoes is coming at you from across the table. This is what we call a family episode. Just the boys, the bozos and the homies. He is the CEO of Ru Garbage. He's a small. He's a successful small business owner.

[B]

So are you.

[A]

I know, but you.

[B]

For the listener earlier today, Foley goes. Explain it to me like I've never been on the Internet. That's. That's that. That's also a successful.

[A]

I don't know blogs. I know Blobs. The movie.

[B]

Ah.

[A]

Which I never saw.

[B]

Metallica.

[A]

Metallica.

[B]

Okay. All right. We're losing a Rosie smell.

[A]

The Kevin James Ryan is here today with us. Everybody.

[B]

What up gang? Shout out to the motherfucking homies, Dog and the bozos. I apologize. Thought this was Patreon again. But the Soul Sisters and the Soul Listen.

[A]

Calling the Soul Sisters.

[B]

Stop it. That's for Patreon. Be giving. Don't be giving out the goods.

[A]

Well I want to get them to sign up eas.

[B]

I'm being so let them find it on their own gang. Shout out. Please make sure you rate View subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify.

[A]

Just check the numbers. We are climbing the charts.

[B]

What are we at?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Small business owner.

[A]

We're doing good Q4. I think we're like 30 something in comedy. And we're in the top 200 on.

[B]

Top 200,000 in a regular podcast. Fucking goddamn. Regis Philman just released a new podcast.

[A]

Jesus.

[B]

That's what I got. I got fucking beef. We got go out with every goddamn a lister who's got a podcast watering down the industry. I know what happened.

[A]

You had your chance.

[B]

Yeah. You. My Hollywood chewed you up and spit you out. Now you come trying to eat off my plate. Taking food out of my humongous son's mouth.

[A]

You got big boy over there.

[B]

Dude. So I listen obviously. And then the greatest website of all time. Yes. Join the the the Undercover Brothers and the Soul Sisters over there on Patreon. Over 15, 000 members of that army. That platoon pavilion something.

[A]

It's a regiment. Somebody said. And it's 30,000 boots on the ground because there's 15k over there.

[B]

That's pretty good.

[A]

Everybody's got two feet. Theoretically.

[B]

We've gone over this. There's a couple of one footers who have hit me up.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And said they're making a. They're making a support group for each.

[A]

Definitely short on a couple of toes.

[B]

I keep walking in circles. Yeah. And then obviously the 2026 tour is on sale right now. Get those tickets. We're. We're posting up in some cities for the weekend.

[A]

Weekend. How you doing?

[B]

We got a couple new things coming. So some cities will be doing five shows. So get that tick and listen. This isn't just marketing ploy. They're selling fast club. They're small rooms and they're going. Don't be hit man. I ain't adding a fucking Wednesday show. Okay.

[A]

I will.

[B]

Small business owner. I got a kid now. I can't be fucking. I can't move to Austin for two and a half weeks.

[A]

When are we gonna get him in the act?

[B]

What?

[A]

Bring him down. Let him open.

[B]

Let him close.

[A]

What are you talking about? Charlie Chaplin was doing shows at like two years old.

[B]

So when he's two. Listen you're just trying to buck your responsibility. I want to hang out.

[A]

I need a new friend.

[B]

Get this kid right in hoodies.

[A]

I want somebody to hang out with that doesn't that has a little respect for him.

[B]

Uh huh. Well find someone else. Go talk to Tommy's kid or something.

[A]

Shout out to the little guy. Cute little guy. Cute little guy. We have a second generation honey. Are you garbage family? How crazy is that?

[B]

It's very, it's very, very crazy. And also this is new to us now that I'm the first one with a kid on the team. We go out, we do the meet and greets, the whole nine yards. Everybody's coming up. I didn't realize that there's like a parental bond. You know what I mean? So it's like people are like, oh, you know, my wife, six months. We got a four month is our. I love that is our first night out after having a kid. He's two weeks. I said what the fuck? Back to the house, kids home. Starving probably.

[A]

Yeah. When they come up and the wife or the girlfriend's pregnant. That's so sweet.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Usually. Ice me. I wanted to ask you this before we get into the listener cues.

[B]

I'm all ears.

[A]

Two things. Things real quick.

[B]

It's gonna be way more than two things. If I. If I know my bug man, it's gonna be a couple two treat things.

[A]

No more bug man. I've hung up the antennas and got.

[B]

Your cool sweater on.

[A]

I just fit into this. I bought this for a funeral about two and a half years ago. It didn't fit then. It kind of fits now. Uh huh. I had to do a lot of man. I had a helicopter pulling this thing like Mr. Fantastic. Deep Cut. Saw the movie actually. Loved it. Great. Two things. You're a suburbanite.

[B]

Fucking Big Joe Gambino over here.

[A]

Shout out to Big Joe, not Big Joe and all the boys down here.

[B]

In a little Italy.

[A]

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm stylish. He rocks a trench coat. I want to start getting into a trench.

[B]

I'm with it. It's just very. I'm not trashing you. I just, I'm just. Listen, I got to call Balls and strikes. You come in here in a fucking set of loafers and a fucking quarter zip. I mean, this is a quarter zip. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, it is probably somebody just asked me if I'm wearing quarter zips. Yes, I am.

[B]

That's a quarter zip.

[A]

Yeah. Polo.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Dxl.

[B]

Polo. Rollo.

[A]

I just hated the foil. They stunk.

[B]

Damn. My brother would get them once every once once a year.

[A]

That chocolate's whack.

[B]

I remember sitting there going, that's your tool. That's an old candy to be eaten in the back of this Ford Taurus.

[A]

Yeah, you look nice. That's a Carhartt shirt.

[B]

They sent shout out to the boys over there at Carhartt. They recognize talent and fashion icon when they see it. They reached out to the boy directly and said, let us grease you. It came 48 hours. That email came 48 hours after I put a big order in myself. So I said, hey, what is the return policy on the stuff I just bought?

[A]

I love Carhartt. They do big guy sizes, too.

[B]

Listen, don't be doing this. We can't be. You got. You're the polo.

[A]

You fucking send all mediums. What am I, jerk off?

[B]

You're the polo guy.

[A]

Timmy D's the polo guy.

[B]

So you're stealing everybody's shit. Find your own thing.

[A]

No, I told you, I got.

[B]

Now you're. Now you're encroaching on Big Joe Gambinos.

[A]

Dude, I got.

[B]

You're gonna have you in the back of that Hyundai Surrender.

[A]

Get a visit from Mario Bosco. Straighten me out.

[B]

Listen, well, I'm trying. I told you we didn't get to one of the two things.

[A]

You're in the suburbs.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

Okay. I saw Patty do this move that she's been doing for a long time.

[B]

Phone in the neighbor. Sorry, sorry. That was a little harsh. I apologize to you for it.

[A]

No, maybe she has. I don't know.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. You pull in the driveway, I'm in.

[B]

No, don't fucking. Don't. Don't. Don't give me attitude.

[A]

Start up with me now. Give you a smack.

[B]

Back in the old days.

[A]

Slap the shit out of you. This sweater is so hot.

[B]

So like a fat kid on Easter. Dude, you're going to be. It's going to take that off in 20 minutes.

[A]

That's why the winter sucks.

[B]

Can I change, Mom?

[A]

You wear a sweater outside, you get into somebody. Especially around holidays. You get in there, there's 55,000 people in the house. The heat's on. Somebody open the fucking screen door.

[B]

I'm dying.

[A]

Hate that T shirt and jeans that we should. And when are we switching over to. We're all wearing the same thing. Like in the future. We're supposed to have. What's that happen?

[B]

Felt bit.

[A]

It was a good bit in the 90s and it still works today. He don't need it.

[B]

Got all that money he ain't rocking a fucking quarter zip, I'll tell you that.

[A]

I see he wears them all the time.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

He wears that. He wears that like a net jet hat or like a private. What are they called? Personal planes. Private jet hats.

[B]

There you go.

[A]

And a blazer and a nice pair of sneakers.

[B]

Personal plane.

[A]

A pee pee personal panplane. Do you pull. Do you grab the mail in the car? Do you pull up to the mailbox and take the mail out? And when you're in the car and I'll pull into the driveway.

[B]

You're not gonna like this.

[A]

Well, you. What you have a P.O. box. Zielinski. Over here.

[B]

Our house.

[A]

Unabomber. Okay, what was his name?

[B]

Hey, mind on there. You done Deep cut?

[C]

Kuklinski.

[A]

Kuklinski. No, that's the Iceman.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

I want. I don't want that guy after me dead. I got enough him. But. Yeah, okay. That's what he wants you to think. Man.

[A]

Kill the ice cream man. How mad do you gotta be?

[C]

Take Kaczynski.

[A]

By the way, I seen an ice cream joint downtown.

[B]

More of an Ed Klemper kind of guy.

[A]

Who's that? Clumper.

[B]

Climber.

[A]

Clumper. From the lady from the office.

[B]

No, Ed Klemper. Isn't it Ed Kemp? No, isn't it Kemper? Klemper.

[C]

Kemper.

[A]

Kemper.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

He's the lumbering gentleman. The Golden State killer or one of them. I don't know.

[A]

The guy they caught in a wheelchair.

[B]

I forget, man.

[A]

To be a serial.

[B]

They never catch any of those guys in a prime.

[A]

Nah, they always catch them with their old guys.

[B]

Yeah, I can do that.

[A]

Yeah, I could do that.

[B]

Catch your fucking. Catch some fucking geriatric bitch.

[A]

They never caught anybody.

[B]

They couldn't. Dude, I'm big into that stuff. I watch all the docs. They couldn't every. There was no movement of technology. There was no movement of information.

[A]

We got to start solving some cases. We got to do you and me, put our heads together, beat up some old man.

[B]

Did you kill them broads?

[A]

I know it was you.

[B]

Oh, we got the wrong house.

[A]

This is Memorybrook Lane.

[B]

Shit. I'm sorry, sir.

[A]

So what do you do with the mail?

[B]

The mail? We. The mail's on the front of the house. We have one of those hanging boxes. Our mail's delivered by foot.

[A]

Oh, you prick.

[B]

I knew you weren't.

[A]

You make that guy get out.

[B]

I don't make him get out. What do you mean, make him get out?

[A]

He walks if I Was a mailman.

[B]

He's not pulling up, getting out and doing it. He walks along.

[A]

Yeah. He doesn't have a. You don't know, Whip.

[B]

I don't know what he does.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I don't know how he gets around.

[A]

Man. Being a suburban mailman, you don't get a. You don't get one of them cars. That sucks. I like being on the other side of the roadie throws it in. Do you ever send mail out? You put the flag up.

[B]

What am I, secretary in the 1940s?

[A]

Patty does that. I see the flag up. Someone's. Someone's not getting paid.

[B]

No, I've never. I've never put anything in a residential mailbox to get picked up and sent out. Never once.

[A]

I never trust it. No, you put something in, like the blue mailbox.

[B]

Oh, I do.

[A]

Never seeing that again.

[B]

What.

[A]

What are you mailing?

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

I know it's not a Christmas card to me.

[B]

I'm a small business owner.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Really what? I'm a small business owner. Yeah. We have to mail stuff.

[A]

We do and you do it.

[B]

I've. Yes, I've mailed a lot of things.

[A]

What do you mail?

[B]

Checks, agreements that have that coming. What? It's not to you?

[A]

Are we supposed to get another stimulus check or something like that? I heard rooms.

[B]

Give, give, give. We have to. This costs money. We have to send money to people too. All this stuff. All this stuff. All these lights, these buildings, all these people working for us. They all got to get paid. Guy, this ain't just fucking.

[A]

Thought these were all interns.

[B]

This is ain't the gravy train.

[A]

Yeah, okay.

[B]

I mean, it's lease, leases, insurance. I mean, a lot of that's whatever now, but. Yeah, no for sure. You got to send stuff.

[A]

Follow up question. We had this this weekend or last weekend? Two weekends ago, whatever it was. How do you feel at some point about the coffee pot on the table at a breakfast joint where they just give you the pot?

[B]

We talked about it briefly. It's amazing. It's the best you control. You don't gotta look for them. That should be standard operating procedure. That was more in a. In a restaurant. Diners a little different because diners are running and gunning. Diners are typically like kind of straight lines too. So you can there. The sections are smaller. It's not like a big floor restaurant where they're running around and they're going back to kitchen. A diner is typically small and they're running and gunning. Topping. You Off. And that's part of the diner charm, of course. Hey, let me top you off, honey. Let me top you a little more. A little more. How about. We were. We were one on the road. We were all doing our DCs at breakfast as we do Holy Trinity. And the guy gave us some to go. He goes, you guys want any more Diet Coke?

[A]

We said, no, we're okay.

[B]

Came over. Styrofoam cups, ice lid straws, just in case you wanted them for the road. Which I did.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

We all cruised out. Fucking nice. It was great.

[A]

Nice. DC and I feel like.

[B]

I feel. Styrofoam cup DC's or sodas in general. There's never a lot in there. There's always a lot of ice and never a lot of liquid.

[A]

I love that, though.

[B]

I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I'm saying it was the perfect amount for the walk and talk that we had.

[A]

I am staunch on the record. I don't know how Sonic gets away with it. I don't know who they're paying off, but shout out to them, we need to bring Styrofoam cups back.

[B]

Yeah. It's crazy. Chick Fil A. Still banging Styrofoam too. It's crazy.

[A]

You ever get a lemonade in one of those things?

[B]

No.

[A]

They know what they're doing.

[B]

I'd go on the record. I've never ordered anything but a Coke or. I never gotten anything out of a fountain or at a restaurant.

[A]

Root beer, Dr. Pepper.

[B]

Yeah. That I'm never doing. Lemonade. The iced tea.

[A]

No kidding.

[B]

No.

[A]

Huh?

[B]

No.

[A]

You know, a lot of fast food places have frozen drinks now. You don't do any of them?

[B]

No. That strawberry.

[A]

Sloppy. Sloppy. Slurpee. Slushy.

[B]

No. She have a stroke?

[A]

Excuse me?

[B]

Have a strokey. I don't get that. The papaya. The Papaya Dogs, too. You go down.

[A]

Who's having a stroke now, Dickhead?

[B]

Okay. Fucking big man's on edge today.

[A]

It's the sweater.

[B]

It's itchy. At the Papaya Dogs, too. Here in New York. Which they closed. The one down in a Village. I know. It's down there on the corner down there. Doing spots at the Cellar. I like getting out over in that side of the neighborhood the more.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The. The gayborhood, if you will. Whatever that. Out. I walk over, I see if I'm. See if I get any foot traffic. You know what I mean? See if anybody hits on me or if I hit on any. Sure. You know what I mean? Well, I do a little cat calling. They do a little cat. No. And I. I get up there. I'm like, that corner is dark as.

[A]

That sucks.

[B]

Boom. Shut the down.

[A]

That place was a refuge. If you had, like five bucks on you, go get a couple diesels.

[B]

But they serve. They serve the juices. And I don't like that.

[A]

I love that.

[B]

I'm not saying you cannot. You're allowed. I like my. It's very functional. It's like when I'm eating, I like a decent. I like it. I don't. I like all that stuff ancillary to my meal. I don't like that kind of a Slurpee and your meal. That ain't it. A Slurpee and a pretzel when you're driving in from the gas station in the backseat of car. Completely different. That's a snack.

[A]

That ain't a soft pretzel and a Coke Slurpee.

[B]

Mm. I don't think pork products and, like, fruit juices go together to me.

[A]

Hmm.

[B]

Right. That seems crazy. Like mustard and then like a tropical drink.

[A]

Well, it's interesting enough. That was the basis of the design of Papaya King.

[B]

I know. The recession special was that. No.

[A]

But back in the day when they started it, there's some empirical evidence that shows that.

[B]

I've used empirical like twice. And you've been stealing it. Just so you know. Just so you know.

[A]

There's some evidence that shows that papaya is great for digestion. And that's why the gentleman who started Papaya King used papaya juice. Very hot dog. Have your hot dog with your sauerkraut, your mustard, if you will. Okay. Ketchup if you're a heathen.

[B]

Yeah. But then they do like the baked beans and the chili dogs and the cheese. It's like you should. That shouldn't be mixing with the papaya. Listen, where. Where are they making normal papaya? Where are people eating. Drinking papaya juice? Tropical.

[A]

Tropical places. They do it in.

[B]

They're not doing chili cheese dogs.

[A]

Papa. New Guinea. You know Papua New Guinea.

[B]

I know. Mama. New Guinea. Yeah. That's like. It's like not. They just shade. Church and saints. Church and state separation.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Which I never knew what that meant.

[B]

Do you have an idea now?

[A]

No.

[B]

Yeah. If you had to guess that the.

[A]

Church shouldn't be involved in.

[B]

What's the other word? In state business.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Huh.

[B]

That's why the. The United States has a separation of church and state. Really?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

I'd like to go there someday.

[B]

Where the United States Check it out.

[A]

Get him a buy a dog, kid. Let's talk about quints.

[B]

Shout out to Quint.

[A]

Cold mornings, holiday plans. This is when I need my wardrobe to just work. I don't need any fuss. I don't need any muss. That's why we're all about quints here at Are you Garbage. They make it easy to look sharp. Quince makes the essentials every guy needs. Mongolian cashmere sweaters for 50 bucks. Italian wool coats that look and feel designer. And denim. And chinos. I love the word chinos that fit just right through yourself. A favor, get over to Quince.

[B]

Yes. Each piece is made from premium materials trusted by factories that meet the rigorous standards for craftsmanship and ethical production. I was introduced to Quince. They sent us. Hey, you can get something from the store, try out the goods, you know what I mean? Before we start peddling it.

[A]

Of course.

[B]

I got, I got a pair, I got a pair of pants on right now. They're fan friggin. They're my go to paint. You see me on stage, Quince, you see me at the podcast, Quince, you see me out of the store, Quince, see me at the strip club Quints. I'm Quince all the time.

[A]

Strip club.

[B]

What? Wrong. Cut it. Dump that. Look at that. It's everything you actually want to wear. Built to hold for the season. Built to hold up season after season, baby. Get your wardrobe sorted and the gift and your gift list handled with Quince. Don't wait. Go to quince.com garbage for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Take that to the bank. Now available in Canada too. That's Q U I n c e.com garbage for free shipping. 365 day returns quince.com garbage do it.

[A]

Yeah, Ken, but somebodythos shout out to Ethos. Gang. You got a friend who experienced a loss which might have you thinking about your family's financial future. Do yourself a favor, get a little insurance with Ethos. You're the breadwinner of your family and you want to make sure your loss of income is covered. Like keeping up with the mortgage, tuition, over the bills. Yeah, you think you want to do that?

[B]

Uh huh.

[A]

So you got to get Ethos.

[B]

Yes, I recently just had to go through the process of.

[A]

Family man, family.

[B]

Listen, I got Lil Kipirino, he's running around. I got to make sure that if I get hit by a bus, you know, Foley sits on me, something happens, I'll be covered for loss of income. Joking. Obviously I Love you, big man. You're looking great. There's no complicated process. It's 100% online. No medical exam required. Just a few health questions. Get a quote in as little as 10 minutes.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

You get the same day coverage without ever having to leave your house. That's what I'm talking about. Listen, take something huge off your list in 10 minutes at the house. You don't leave the house. You can get up to $3 million in coverage. Some policies for as low as $2 a day, billed monthly. And here it is, baby. Protect your family with life insurance from Ethos. Get your free [e-mail] Ayg that's Ethos. Ethos.com Ayg application times may vary, rates may vary. Do it.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

That being said, not to. Did you have a button up on that?

[A]

I just wanted to say that my hometown diner gem restaurant. Shout out to it on Decal Pike. They do coffee pots on the table. Also do a chip beef that'll melt your face off.

[B]

Now this is. We do another. How do you feel about. You know, we stop at a lot of rogue bad. We're on the road a lot. So you stop at a bad gas station, a bad truck stop that you know in the middle of nowhere.

[A]

Not a loves fan. That's what you're asking?

[B]

Yeah. Not a loves fan. Low grind time.

[A]

Not for us. It's for truck.

[B]

A Honda. A Honda.

[A]

Shout out to him.

[B]

Shout out to them.

[A]

Keeping the country working.

[B]

Drive truck. How do you feel about the open coffee pot at a gas station?

[A]

Never go near it.

[B]

Right? I can't do it. I'm a German. I'm a weird germaphobe guy.

[A]

Don't work together.

[B]

That's wild, right?

[A]

Crazy. Might as well have a Mr. Coffee sitting there.

[B]

I can't do it. And like sometimes we get there and I want a coffee and I'm like, it's burnt.

[A]

That thing just keeps getting hot. I've used them so I just picture.

[B]

People putting their fingers in there. I just like anything. Yeah, that open air dude. Because you go to a loves, there's showers. Like so there shouldn't be strangers showering within 10ft of my exposed coffee.

[A]

It's a lot of skin cells, a.

[B]

Lot of dookie matter. Yeah, I can't do that either. But in the same context of the papaya juice and hot dogs, please. Our first question. This is from that one Detroit fan, which I've never thought of this.

[A]

Hmm.

[B]

Be curious. As if this has ever crossed your radar. This is from that One Detroit fan never had one read. Is it garbage to enjoy your McDonald's order with an alcoholic beverage?

[A]

Wow. Whoa.

[B]

That's. How the fuck. And again, this is the church and state in my head. I love a burger and a beer. I love sitting at the bar getting a burger. We're gonna do a burger, a beer, a couple beer. Start the night, whatever. You've seen me do it a lot. That's not. And you're going to push back on this. That's not a burger. I can't.

[A]

No, I.

[B]

That's not a burger. To me.

[A]

100% agree with you.

[B]

That's fast food. That's McDonald's. It's its own thing. It's its own category. All comes in one bag. All should be eaten in that bag. An external drink like a beer to me doesn't mix in. I'd love your thoughts as a guy who enjoys an alcoholic beverage and McDonald's.

[A]

I do enjoy an alcoholic beverage. Thank you very much for noticing that.

[B]

It was hard not to.

[A]

The way I look at it. Is that McDonald's.

[B]

It'd be great if an Uber eats guy walked.

[A]

Not now.

[B]

There a Henry here. Two of them walk up. There's like a Wendy's guy.

[A]

I don't have a pin for you, sir. 6493. I've always looked at this similar to your philosophy.

[B]

That the fast common ground between us.

[A]

That the fast food. Don't get nuts.

[B]

You're still a prayer.

[A]

My enemy's enemy is my enemy.

[B]

That make us lovers.

[A]

Maybe we should kiss. I've always looked at the fast food McDonald's is. Yeah, it's not a burger. It is, but it isn't.

[B]

It's not a burger. It's.

[A]

It's, it's, it's.

[B]

Listen, everybody understands. Hold on.

[A]

First of all, what we're saying, you know.

[B]

No, listen. No one's going to get up. Did you do this? No one's going to get upset at what you're saying.

[A]

I'm worried about McDonald's getting upset. Listen, Europe, you have a special place in my heart. Don't be. Don't be crazy.

[B]

But that oversized.

[A]

That's after. Speaking of which, I got a nuclear stress test coming up a couple of weeks.

[B]

Who's doing that?

[A]

Einstein kaboom on a treadmill getting it done.

[B]

My joke was what they sit in a room and break your balls for a half hour.

[A]

Bring my wife and my mother in law, you know. How you doing?

[B]

I liked it better the first time you did it to me yesterday. You thought I was gonna give you that as Q4?

[A]

I'm not breaking out new jokes till next year.

[B]

As adversarials we've been today. You thought I was gonna give you a. A reheated bit in public. You're nuts. Have you never seen the program?

[A]

Talk about a coffee pot sitting there getting hot.

[B]

I would expect you to do the same thing.

[A]

I look at McDonald's. McDonald's and fast food in general. McDonald's is my favorite. And there is nothing on the planet that is like that. And say what you want about it. I understand the. There's some crackpots out there that say it's not good for you, et cetera, et cetera. But that's after you're drunk. That's when you're drunk drunk. You're not imbibing an alcohol during that. However, I do respect that move. A Quarter Pounder with cheese and a fucking ice cold garage beer. Sounds delicious.

[B]

I don't think so. I. This is the way. It's not strong enough food to me. The buns aren't. It's not a.

[A]

It's not a. It's not a bar burger. Yeah.

[B]

It's not dense enough. It's like. It would get desired. You need a lighter. A lighter drink to pair with that. You know what I mean?

[A]

Like a Fanta.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

No, it's not. It's European.

[B]

No, it's trash.

[A]

I have a feeling it's good.

[B]

But it's. I mean, listen, you post that picture, you shouldn't be drinking.

[A]

At least they're making a lot of moves.

[B]

You shouldn't be drinking colored soda at a certain point.

[C]

I said this to him like a year ago.

[B]

Yeah, it's just like. Listen, every now and then, a little dab will do you. I'm not saying you can't do that.

[A]

But, you know, McDonald's has a strawberry Fanta that's delicious.

[B]

I've heard that's crazy.

[A]

I'm a scientist, man. I have to do my work.

[B]

Okay, fair enough.

[A]

I need to know what's out there.

[B]

Fair enough.

[A]

Did I dip too hard into the McDonald's gold sauce this summer? Which. Why the fuck did you get rid of that?

[B]

Sure.

[A]

You didn't try it, did you?

[B]

No, I haven't eaten McDonald's. And me either. Super. Okay. Yeah. Guy who sounds very.

[A]

I haven't. You had it?

[C]

I've had it.

[A]

Yes. See, that's. That's what I need from you. Just take the bullet for me, okay, buddy?

[C]

What do you think I've been doing?

[B]

This guy's got this guy. This guy's got Tommy guns sprayed in his back for you. What are you talking about? This dude. This guy's pulling himself over the finish line. You're going take one more for me. When you've been recently on an episode going, all right, I had McDonald's not that long ago.

[A]

Patty's on the phone. Take the call.

[B]

Tell her I'm dead. Okay.

[A]

Great question.

[B]

Yeah, great question. Never thought about it. Maybe. Like, I now I can recall having a filet o fish on the beach.

[A]

While drinking glass of wine.

[B]

No, you were drinking beers.

[A]

Well, you getting filet of fish.

[B]

Someone rolled up. Did you catch it? My what? It's like a long John Silver's commercial.

[A]

She talk about Long John Silvers someone.

[B]

While we were on a beach drinking at Rockaway Beach. Now Fort Tilden beach out there. Topless beach, New York City.

[A]

Really crazy kind of action was out there. And I'm sure they were very turned on by you and your tartar sauce face. A filet of fish on the.

[B]

Someone rolled out with a bat. We were there all day. Someone was meeting us two, three hours later, so we were already drunk. He rolled up.

[A]

Who was it? Grimace. Who's showing up with filet of fish and I can't believe you gave me nothing on that. What a grimace line. Saved that for next year.

[B]

Don't do it. He just showed he was stopping it, and he was like, you know what? Like, there was eight of us on the beach, and he was the last one coming. He saw. I'm gonna roll in and grease the boy got like, five burgers. Five of these. Five of these. And that was. I remember that was. I'm. That was the time I was actively drinking and also eating. So that. But that is the only time. I don't know where I would ever. If I wouldn't get home and be like, crack, a beer. I'm also, like, on the move when I'm eating fast food. You know what I mean? Okay. I don't have beers in the car anymore. Trying to be better. No, I'm kidding. Obviously not drinking drinks.

[C]

I could see it with, like, a Coke, a red wine. Nice evening.

[A]

A Coke?

[C]

Yeah. You're at home.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Got your McDonald's. You're setting up in front of the TV. A nice little cozy evening. I could see with the little red wine.

[A]

Where's the coke come in?

[C]

Because I think they would mix well together.

[A]

Well, somebody did that.

[B]

Coke.

[C]

Yeah. Like a holy trinity of drinks with the McDonald's in front of okay, Didn't.

[A]

Sofia Vergara or Dua Lipa or somebody do Coke and Diet Coke and red wine?

[B]

I think that is like it. That was a good thing like that. You know, chicks were doing it. Mm.

[A]

That and they're putting pickles in their Dr. Pepper.

[C]

That's what Dua Lipa was doing. Yeah.

[A]

Was she?

[C]

The pickles?

[A]

Yeah. Oh, man. She talented, by the way.

[B]

Oh, that, bro. Thinking next.

[A]

Sydney Sweeney. Really go on page six here.

[B]

Plain Diesel.

[A]

Does a plain diesel, right? It's plain.

[B]

Hot dog probably wants to get with me because, well documented, Kevin doesn't plain diesel.

[A]

That's why.

[B]

Thanks for taking the words literally right out of my mouth. Broadcasting 101. Hey, let me say a fact about you that you're about to say yourself. It's crazy.

[A]

Did I tell you about the baby last night?

[B]

I mean, I tell you, this kid's a pisser.

[A]

She does a plain diesel.

[B]

You know who else does one of them?

[A]

Buddy of mine, small business owner Kevin Ryan.

[B]

Q4.

[A]

I like that, though. And you know what?

[B]

Why do you like it? I feel like I've caught some heat from you for it.

[A]

You might have.

[B]

But you like it when she does it. Cause she's got nicer canes and probably.

[A]

A bigger, very talented actor lover. Takes a lot of risk in her films, too. She doesn't get enough credit for.

[B]

Yeah, it's called side boob. Okay. This guy's having fun with it.

[A]

I'm in the industry, Kevin.

[B]

What's that? Food, Big tits falling out of a sweater industry.

[A]

I can't wear a T shirt with this. It gets too. Gets caught. I'd have to put Velcro on the T shirt. Pat it.

[B]

That's good. That's ideas you should be coming with. What, fat guy? Velcro? Strap it to the.

[A]

I did have it. I have a patent pending on it right now. I cut you.

[B]

I just had to explain. You just hit me with what's the Internet? Talk to me like I've never had the Internet. I'm supposed to believe you got a patent pending? Who you? Lori from fucking Shark Tank? I got a. I got. Hey.

[A]

She the younger one or the older one?

[B]

Younger.

[A]

You know, I feel about that.

[B]

Barbara Cochran's probably a tomcat. They pitched us Mr. Wonderful, who I would love to have. What where we were on the road or damn, couldn't work, but they're trying.

[A]

You think if I was like, hey, man, can I have 20 grand? You think you give it to me?

[B]

No, he's out.

[A]

Pay to play around here for that reason. For the reason you're a dick. He's got cash.

[B]

They all do.

[A]

Yeah, no shit.

[B]

Okay, then why'd you tell me he did what the fuck? That dude. Dave, that is not a conversation with H. Foley.

[A]

I did that to the guy.

[B]

You do it all the time. It's crazy.

[A]

I did that to the guy at the coffee shop this morning.

[B]

You're inadvertently an asshole and you don't get it.

[A]

Everybody stopped and turned and I was on his side and you've been saying.

[B]

I've been being a dick.

[A]

It's crazy because he was like, yeah, they don't, they're not allowing allowing dogs in here anymore.

[B]

Uh huh.

[A]

Because something some bullshit. And I was like yeah, but wait, what about the places in the city?

[B]

And he's like, yeah, well yeah, you.

[A]

I get excited.

[B]

I know when it comes off is not that. Listen, I am a stone cold dickhead. I'm not fucking judging you. I'm just saying.

[A]

Cold dickhead.

[B]

I'm just saying. Break the glass. That might be a good shirt. Stone cold dickhead.

[A]

SCD Kippy316.

[B]

Stone cold dickhead.

[A]

It's good.

[B]

Cut it. Print it. Shark. Get on it. Yeah, that's very. You hit people with that.

[A]

And it's because I don't suffer fools and I don't, I don't stand for injustice. I don't stand for injustice.

[B]

All right, you are actually nuts.

[A]

I, I, I've turned on the plain Diesel one.

[B]

I think she has.

[A]

No, it's not. This was honestly, this is before this. This is, this is from you. I'll give you credit. This is from you.

[B]

This is very, very.

[A]

This is from you.

[B]

Timely that the hottest girl at the moment likes playing. Also you're at. Dude, that's how good the algorithm is. It's feeding you hot chicken pork products united in in the same story.

[A]

Goddamn AI, dude.

[B]

I mean we're, we are cooked.

[A]

You don't need Terminators.

[B]

Alrighty, let's see. This one's from Heather. Is it garbage that my family and I had to monitor my 91 year old grandpa's online purchases because he accidentally ordered $600 worth of hot Pockets? Shout out Papa Bill. The Hot Pockets outlived him. That's a lot of fucking Hot Pockets. What's the price of a Hot Pocket? One box of Hot Pocket going for. And then small business math. Divide that by $600, see how many boxes that would be and then we'll times it by two for how many actual Hot Pockets there is.

[C]

About six, five, nine. Nine.

[B]

So that's a hundred boxes of Hot Pockets. 102 packs.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Is that a two pack?

[C]

It's a four pack.

[B]

Four pack.

[A]

That's all they give you.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. Four pack.

[B]

Back when I was banging, they were two packs.

[A]

That's even worse. Ever get those Magnum bars? They give you three Magnum bars? Yeah, the popsicles, they give you three.

[B]

Talk about popsicles.

[A]

Frozen ice cream. Okay, three. What kind of that? What a dick move. Three. First of all, I don't know two people. You know, three's odd.

[B]

Now. I agree.

[A]

If you're a family, you gotta buy two.

[B]

That was a great. I was a great Brian Regan bit about the serving size on Fig Newton's. It was two. And he's like, he's doing the guy type making the boxes. He goes, hey, Bill, get over here. It was a typo, but it's going out like that. Just leave it. Fig Newtons. Yeah. That's crazy. I do think that's so funny. I think back when I was banging, they were. I was buying them. I was buying a lot of them at the CVS or the Rite Aid on Broad and Diamond. No, Broad and Susquehanna.

[A]

Good for you.

[B]

The lean pockets, man. And those. They would. The chicken in the. In the chicken parm. Lean pocket, very specific. Was perfectly. The chicken was perfectly uniform. Like these rubbery white.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Rectangles.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. And man, look like stride gum.

[B]

Oh, yes, yes. And man, you couldn't. I don't know what it was. They were so rubbery that it would. If you didn't fully get it all in your mouth and got your incisors on it. It ruined the bite for me. I had to chuck it. It was like cartilage.

[A]

Yeah. You know, I just thought of. Has anybody ever thought to throw a Hot Pocket in the oven?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Really?

[B]

I think that there's. I'm sure there's cooking it. But listen, take that.

[A]

AI.

[B]

If you're making Hot Pockets, I don't think you're not pre.

[A]

Probably great though.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Deep fry.

[C]

It takes 30 minutes.

[A]

Yeah, that. Jesus Christ. I got court in 30 minutes.

[B]

I got caught in 15 minutes.

[A]

Oh, it's crazy, that time difference between the oven and the microwave. Man, talk about immediate gratification, which, you know, I have trouble with long term gratification planning for that. That's what they're telling me downtown.

[B]

Who's that? The government? The Southern da.

[A]

Did a lot of work on myself these days.

[B]

That's good, buddy.

[A]

Gang. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp First, Happy Holidays to everybody. We're all going to be meeting with family and stuff like that. You want to be present around the holidays.

[B]

What a line that is.

[A]

You want to be in the room. You know what I'm saying? Maybe in past years you weren't present. Maybe had a lot of things on your mind. But now you use BetterHelp to talk these out. The point of talk therapy is to be present in your life. And Better Help can help you do that.

[B]

Did you do that on purpose? The holiday Present and present.

[A]

No, no, no.

[B]

That's great.

[A]

Presents. Pres. Present. You want to be present.

[B]

I know.

[A]

You want to be in the room.

[B]

Like a holiday. The presence of presents.

[A]

Listen, if I get one present, it's.

[B]

Gonna be a problem. Okay? Better Help therapists work accordingly to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the US the therapist match commitment. Better Help does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals? That was big for me when I first started using BetterHelp. You got to dig. I've done it both ways. I've gone old school traditional where you're sifting through. I got to find this. This guy. This guy won't call me back. This guy leaves a. Leave them. Leave a message. I got stuff going on, you know what I mean? I got my mom breathing down my neck. My brother wants to fist fight me out front. I got. I gotta talk to somebody. The BetterHelp gets you just get you in the pool. It takes down the barrier to entry. It is very fantastic. And this December, start a new tradition by taking care of you. Our listeners get 10% [e-mail] garbage that's BetterHelp. H E L-P.com garbage do it.

[A]

Yes. Kip. Let's talk about Helix.

[B]

Shout out to Helix.

[A]

Let's remind the folks about Helix.

[B]

They know about Helix.

[A]

Of course. The bozos and the homies, they all know about Helix. And gang, it's the holiday season. You want a present, that's gonna stop the show. I mean, listen, you pop that baby out of the bag Christmas morning, first of all, you're gonna knock. You're gonna knock your aunt and uncle off the couch. You get one of them California kings over there.

[B]

Listen, if you've been having a bad year and you need some good pr. Boss one of them. Boss one of them. Hey, Uncle Jim, I got you for the Pollyanna. Open that up. Bing.

[A]

It's gonna get you tied. Clear the room with that thing. Gang. Helix is the absolute best mattress you're ever gonna own.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Do yourself a favor. Get over there. You take the quiz. They match you up with the perfect mattress for you. You'll be sleeping like a baby.

[B]

Yeah. This is. This is the year. This time of year everybody's getting sick, right? You need rest. Rest, rest, rest, rest. I was sick. I was sick all last week. We're on the road. I'm sick. I'm. Da, da, da. I needed. I. I was sleeping in different hotel rooms every night. I needed my bed. Yes. I couldn't get my feet back under me. I got home, slept in my bed. First good night's sleep I had all week. Woke up feeling like a million bucks.

[A]

This is my own personal slept in my Helix comment.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

All right. My research shows that Helix cuts the flu in half.

[B]

Only speaking of. That's anecdotal evidence. Go to helixleep.com garbage for 20% off site wide. Baby. That's helixsleep.com garbage for 20% off Site wide. Make sure you enter the show name. Are you Garbage in the post purchase survey so they know the boy sent you. Helixsleep.com garbage. Do it. Yes. Let's see here. This one. This is a great name. Hey, Foley owes me money. Ever get. Ever get punched by an adult? Let me explain. That's great, dude. That's great because in every dirt bag's life, right? At every dirt bag, at some point you've put yourself in a wrong situation. Ours was my boy Jeff's graduation party from high school.

[A]

I know where this is going.

[B]

And there's booze involved. There's other people different. And when that collection of people meet, not everybody's. You're all. It's different dirt bags at different levels. Different levels of inebriation, different lifestyles. And that will come out there.

[A]

Just had a conversation about this with a friend of mine who has a kid in college. Parents weekend. Dad's going out to the frat. Would you ever. What do that? Yeah.

[B]

I go now. I'm fucking free game in this mother.

[A]

You leave at 9 o'. Clock.

[B]

I think you go. Yeah. You do the pre gamers. All right. I'm gonna get out of here. Me and the other dads are gonna go get a burger and a beer. Yeah. You guys. I'm not going to the fucking. That the tailgate. One thing. If you say it's like the game and you're not like you can't go into a place. Right.

[A]

I think you have to.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

Don't you? For fraternity houses they invite the parents in.

[C]

So parents weekend is also different than, like, a dad's weekend, which.

[B]

A dad's week, let's say sharp and I'll do coke.

[C]

Yeah. It's like that.

[B]

I know those dads a problem, really.

[C]

If it's a dad's weekend, it's bad. Someone's getting them come. Someone's coming home with a black eye.

[A]

No.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Parents weekend is. Yeah. You're gonna come into the frat house, but it's more like they're in the great room.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And you're ready for them. So it's like.

[B]

And then you're all putting on airs of like, oh, mom and dad are here. We're not doing cakes.

[C]

They're gonna go home around 10. And then you do have some dads who stay without the wives. Those are the ones that get in trouble.

[B]

But they'll do straight, like, dad freshmen.

[A]

Huh?

[B]

They'll do Dad's where they, like, they go and just, like, they're getting up and they're like, let's get hookers. Like, the whole nine yards.

[A]

What do you have? What if your mom went up there and got banged out by some older brother or something like that?

[B]

Jesus. Algorithm.

[A]

That'd be tough.

[C]

I've heard of Bad stories. I've never heard of that one.

[A]

Really?

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Happen in a show. My. Wow.

[A]

I'm watching a show.

[B]

Yeah. Dallas.

[A]

Dallas. No, you're watching Dallas.

[B]

It's the wife from Billions.

[A]

Larry Hagman. The old show Dallas.

[B]

Larry Hagman.

[A]

Larry Hagman. He was a big TV star, I believe.

[B]

Yeah. Laughing at the name. No, it's like the new Desperate Housewife dog.

[A]

So you watched. You watched Doug.

[B]

It was your generation and Dallas was yours. Those are the two contemporary comparisons. Dallas and the cartoon Doug.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And I was watching GI Joe usa.

[C]

It's not the Hunting Wives.

[B]

Yes, the Hunting Wives.

[A]

Who are you, man? What happened to you? You should get Dollar Dogs on the street.

[B]

I'm a father. Sometimes we need to grow up.

[A]

Personal.

[B]

What are you doing? You just attacked me. Or watch a television show with my.

[A]

I'm having a club soda, wearing a sweater. I'm all grown up.

[C]

That Hunting Wives is wild.

[B]

Are you watching?

[C]

My Girl was watching it.

[B]

Yeah. My girl, My girl, My girl, my grandma.

[A]

You asking risque?

[B]

No, my wife was.

[C]

It's risque.

[B]

It's risque. And he. She's banging a high school kid or something.

[A]

High school kid.

[B]

Something like that.

[A]

Jesus.

[B]

Something.

[A]

Is this on Netflix?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Shout out to it.

[B]

But the rest of that story is Ever get. All right, so this is. Ever get punched by. Please don't let me. This is a little risque and I don't. We're not condoning anything in this story.

[A]

Of course not.

[B]

But goes to show situation dirtbag situations. My sister, sweet 16, the DJ's assistant made a move on one of her friends. This is a problem. Write this down. This is a problem. Right? A problem. But listen, this guy's probably 30, right? Maybe for no. This guy in the story. Gotta assume he's the average listening age is all slightly. You know it's 30. Whatever. This guy's 35, right? In this story.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So it's at least 20 years ago.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

That's when that was. It was a even different time. Do you see what I'm saying? I don't know why you're hanging me up to dry on it. I'm saying a dirtbag would think that's more acceptable. Even then of like. Yeah, I do this.

[A]

Of course.

[B]

You know what I mean? Like he's. It's insane to do. But that guy's.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That going like this is a sweet gig. You know what I mean?

[A]

Like you watch some music videos from the 80s.

[B]

You're like, Whoa, crazy. So my sister, Sweet Sixteen, the DJs assist. Dude, you're not even the DJ. You're the DJs assistant.

[A]

What DJ needs an assistant unless you're doing Ibiza.

[B]

Well, I. I want to push back on this. I grew up. There was a lot of production comp. This was big. There was a lot. I don't want to name them by name, but there was even like teenage clubs.

[A]

Yeah. In Philly. Shampoo.

[B]

Yeah, but Shampoo is a lit. Yeah, but there was even Never had the balls. There was even more like in fucking industrial complexes in the outskirts. Like not champ. These places weren't advertising on the radio Raves. No. I mean no. Like adults were putting on dance parties for kids. Yeah.

[A]

Just.

[B]

And the DJs then the DJs would go to these things like the bar mitzvahs. And they had dancers. That was a big thing. I'm a dancer for the thing. You go get the party stuff. Just weird. Weird vibes.

[A]

I just thought Billy Corgan did a bar mitzvah. Need the cash.

[B]

Hey, someone hit us up.

[A]

Really? It wouldn't. Billy Corgan got all that record money. How many albums that.

[B]

Exactly. So think about what he needed to do. Get out of bed. I'll do it for a 100th of that.

[A]

Huh.

[C]

It's like when Vinny Chase goes to the bar mitzvah. It's like. It's a million bucks or whatever.

[A]

That was a few grains hit me up, wasn't it? That's a favor for the studio.

[B]

You should start doing some favors.

[A]

That was Ari's kid. I'll do some favors to the studio. What do you mean?

[B]

I'm the studio.

[A]

I actually have a charity event that I'm trying to get you involved in.

[B]

No, don't sell that. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. Don't make it for kids. Like, I'm pushing back. You hit me with. Here's the setup. We wouldn't want to do something like that, right? I said I'll write a check.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah, I do. I donate this time of year to every. You know what my wife just did? What? What?

[A]

You're donating money?

[B]

Yeah. Crazy. I have some leftover. Yeah. I donate money to local charities. I do.

[A]

Who?

[C]

This is a guy so in denial.

[B]

I know. Don't even. You're looking at.

[A]

Who are you donating?

[B]

Don't even lie anymore.

[A]

How much are we talking?

[B]

I don't put my business out there, but I'll tell you what my wife just did. My wife reached out to four local families who are struggling with buying gifts this year and bought gifts for the kids.

[A]

That's very sweet. Very sweet.

[B]

She probably got robbed, but you know what I mean. Facebook is full of fucking savages.

[A]

Hey. Can't get her off that Facebook.

[B]

No. But, yeah, we do this every time this time of year.

[A]

You should give back. No, you don't. Yes, I do.

[B]

Luke Coleman.

[C]

You don't need to lie.

[A]

I give back.

[C]

It's okay. Like someone does it. Like, be like. I'll try to do that this year, too.

[B]

You can do it this year. It's still. There's still time.

[A]

I work in a soup kitchen.

[B]

Get your checkbook out. Panera Bread, eating all the leftovers. Get your checkbook out right now. Make. Make.

[A]

I don't have a checkbook.

[B]

Make an on air donation. I'm holding you this. Make a donation, Luke. Look up local charities right now.

[C]

You guys keep talking.

[B]

No, Foley's about to flip the table. Yeah, I look over, he got that pitcher of water.

[A]

I gotta wait till after the holidays.

[B]

Well, no, you don't.

[A]

Yes, I do.

[B]

Any. Any.

[A]

Hold on a second.

[B]

Yes, I do for it. Any amount is good. It's a tax write off. It comes off the bottom.

[A]

I give the fucking St. Jude's every time I go to DXL. They're probably into me for like two grand.

[B]

That's bad to do that though.

[A]

Don't give me that it's bad to do what you're doing making me look bad business party piece of shit. If I could snake in the grass. I got a big box store to come in here and buy this dump. He'd be working for me.

[B]

Pizza yet he stanked it.

[A]

I was thinking about that because we're doing something small this year that maybe I would go and do something on Christmas.

[B]

You know, I'd be great.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Rob the neighbor's house while they're at Mass. Ruin Christmas for another family and figure yours is already ruined.

[A]

Yeah, pretty much.

[B]

Might as well go ruin the Jenkins is to fucking flip the tree over.

[A]

Walking out like Tony, smiling.

[B]

Turn the oven all the way up. Jesus. Burn the turkey. I'm saying. What do you got?

[C]

I'll sign them up right now for volunteering on Christmas Day.

[A]

Yeah. Why don't you sign yourself up for indeed Right after that Fucking monster dot com. See who's looking for a little prick out there.

[B]

Why? You got one of them?

[A]

Yes. See, I'm the less fortunate.

[B]

I get back to myself.

[A]

Wouldn't you like to donate a penis to a guy like me? What do you. What do you got? You get me involved in here.

[C]

I mean there's a million things. It's so easy.

[A]

I just said I'm gonna. Okay. Give me something I could donate my time to because anybody can write a check.

[C]

No dogs left behind.

[B]

That's a hot dog charity. Dry dogs. That's a dry hot dog charity. See, that's the way I get paid.

[A]

What are we gonna do with all these half eaten hot dogs?

[B]

Ladies and gentlemen?

[A]

What do you got? No. Give me humans.

[C]

St. John's bread and life.

[A]

Okay. Sounds culty.

[B]

I gotta be honest with you. It sounds like that Land Primark shit or landmark.

[A]

Yeah, I'm not fucking killing myself with a pair of Nikes.

[B]

I don't need him fucking getting indoctrinated and then trying to convince me. And I gotta put him in a home or. Or something like that. I don't need none of that. I got. I got enough problem. I got a baby teething at home and my wife's giving out all of our money to strangers on Facebook who may or may not have kids.

[A]

Give me something I could do on Christmas Eve.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

2027.

[C]

The Emerald Isle Immigration center needs.

[A]

I'm not going to Seattle.

[B]

Go fight a bunch of. Fight a bunch of Fresh off the boat. Irish guys.

[A]

Damony. Hot soup and fresh bread for everybody that gets off. Vote for. Damn it.

[B]

Like, the Dead rabbits outlawed.

[C]

Why don't you, like, help for a school? Help on, like, put up, like, a production.

[A]

On what?

[C]

I don't know, Like, a Christmas story or something.

[A]

You know how much time that would be? You guys won't let me do a fucking Crystal Light commercial. Loaning me out.

[B]

What are you talking about?

[A]

You don't let me do other stuff. You keep me.

[B]

No, no, no. Don't fucking say. You say that all the time. And that is so not true.

[A]

He's not lending me out to some fucking.

[B]

Stop. Hold on, hold on. Stop saying lend. You've heard that term probably on Entourage, and you keep saying it. Stop for. You have. Listen, listen. You have no offers.

[A]

That means when you're under contract. When you're under contract with somebody and you want to do another production.

[B]

Listen, you try to spin. This is where business owners. And then, like, I don't let you do stuff. You also have responsibilities to the business that you own.

[A]

Yes, Luke. So you can't lock me into fucking Jesus Christ Superstar down in fucking Swarthmore. Yeah. Work to do.

[B]

Which you may or may not have been passed on.

[A]

I said I was too old for the part.

[B]

Jesus is timeless.

[A]

I didn't think I could lose the weight in time. Went to Ryan Gosling. Pretty motherfucker.

[C]

Rich.

[B]

Get rich.

[A]

Dude, I am pouring sweat.

[B]

We gotta put the air on.

[A]

I feel like a sheepdog.

[C]

You can volunteer to help the NYC Rat Pack for the mayor's.

[A]

Fly me to the Rat Pack.

[C]

It's the mayor's office of rodent mitigation.

[A]

You nuts? Down in this sweater.

[B]

She coming from a mile away. Down in the tunnels with a BB gun. I would love that, dude. I would love that.

[A]

If I was in a spacesuit, I would do that. I'm not going down there. Uh. That's scary. There's mole people down there. Yeah.

[B]

Who can't see it. That they, like. They've switched to night vision. They've been down there so long.

[A]

Like an angler fish.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Hanging a mic. And I got.

[B]

That's how they catch you. That's how fish catch you. Oh, what's that?

[A]

I like a mike. And I. Uhhuh.

[C]

Spark a future this fall. Mentor a New York City high school student.

[A]

That's something I could do.

[B]

To what? Drop out of college? Head into your second year? What are you talking about? The.

[A]

I'm an accomplished. I could go back and teach an acting class.

[B]

An acting Class.

[A]

This guy's got me. Oh, man.

[C]

Share your New York story in an interview. Neighborhood stories project.

[B]

That's good. Hey, I used to do blow here. There's a great Wishy Washington. You guys looking for a Jack shack?

[A]

You know, a rubbing tuck?

[B]

Ah, the city ain't the same no more.

[A]

Had to close up a pie dog. That bad?

[B]

Devastating. Papaya helps with the digestion.

[A]

That's why I drink it. Do you remember the first time that we went to the one on the Upper west side together?

[B]

Yeah, 72nd. Yeah.

[A]

I got two hot dogs and a grape drink. You looked at me like I was an alien.

[B]

I said, I'll do that.

[A]

Grape chick is thick.

[B]

I'll do two plain ducks. Also, these papaya kings. They give you this. You can't get the. It's so thick.

[A]

I got a hot diesel in my mouth. You can't get hard in the roof of my mouth.

[B]

Can I speak? Popping out of my head. Trying to wet my whistle a little.

[A]

Yeah, I tell you what, the thick shakes. Knock that off, man. I'm trying to drink this thing now.

[B]

Ah.

[A]

I feel like I'm doing that G4 test in the Air Force. Spinning me around.

[B]

It's the first time I remember getting a chili dog in about 98 degree weather. To sweating my ass off, dude. God damn. Ate it and then got right down on the subway. Remember sitting on the platform? Nab 118 degrees on the platform.

[A]

That happened to me the other day.

[B]

What?

[A]

I was trying to be healthy. I had a green tea and I sucked it down. Man, when that hot luck liquid gets in you.

[B]

Holy.

[A]

It's like someone turned the thermos up. I was stumbling around like I got chemo. Iced coffee. Cold brew. Thin shakes. We want to drink them. Shake Shack, you're doing too much.

[B]

That's too much.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Hey, this is overactive for beginners. What? God damn.

[A]

We'll figure it out. I'll do something this holiday season to help out. And I'll write a check OD at.

[B]

My mom's house.

[A]

Ruin everybody's Christmas.

[B]

I can have the sirens, have the lights flashing at a neighbor's house, ruin our Christmas. They got the whole goddamn block. Everybody's out at their front step blessing you. God damn.

[A]

I might fall off the gurney. That would suck.

[B]

Come out the window or something. Probably. You can't. You can't Hook you around them. That split level staircase.

[A]

They got me upright like a couch, trying to hook it.

[B]

And you just pop it in. You hook it and pop it, dog. That's also a very narrow. If you went in that back bedroom. Your brother's room at Patty's.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's a tight hallway. I don't think. I don't. I don't think a gurney could get it.

[A]

Patty. Sinners may deserved it.

[B]

Oh God.

[A]

She's tight with the sheets down there too. What, she don't got comforters? She got. I got nine sheets on me. I sleep down there freezing my balls off. Plus that goddamn dog comes in at 5:30 in the morning, just starts barking right in your face. Back the up.

[B]

201 dogs out. Okay, we've missed. We've mastered humans. We're now moving into the animal kingdom.

[A]

You know, I don't need this. They don't treat me like they said with the 92nd Street Y when I'm doing actors on actors.

[B]

Actors. All Percocet. Ah, God damn. We're having a good time. It's the holiday season. Ah, God damn, dude. All right, this is from.

[A]

This is.

[B]

This is a double. A double Seinfeld reference. See if you can get them. It's just from ned. Isaac off. 1010. Actually a three. A $10 comrade buddy. $10 comrade. My buddy held his wedding reception at the mall food court where he met his bride Pia. She's a full time figured gal. That's crazy. It's cute.

[A]

It's cute man.

[B]

And a fun. It's stunty.

[A]

But if you can you rent that whole thing out.

[B]

Oh no, they probably. I mean, listen, most food court malls are pretty empty now. I don't know if you've been to.

[A]

A suburban mall, that'd be pretty sweet.

[B]

Fucking Joey. But a fuko hair that.

[A]

Fucking zippers coming down that change my hair, the poof.

[B]

I don't know, it was. You were just a different guy when I looked back. I swear.

[A]

Acting.

[B]

What was her name? John. What was Joey Butafuoco's broad's name?

[A]

Stop, stop, stop.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Mary Jo.

[B]

No, Isaac off.

[A]

No, Ned, Isaac off. Now you on the list. Sorry. Lorena Bobbitt. No, no.

[B]

She cut off her husband's wiener.

[A]

Joey Buttafuoco.

[B]

And.

[A]

Now I got nothing.

[B]

I remember. Give me the fur. It's like Jody or so then because Joey. Joey Botafuko's Gumar shot the Mrs. Botafuko in the face.

[A]

Mary Jo Butafuko.

[C]

Mary Joe.

[A]

Mary Joe but a foucau.

[B]

What was the side?

[A]

I want to say Jody caught one in the cheek.

[C]

Amy.

[B]

Amy Fisher. Fisher.

[A]

How's that teasing?

[C]

He's done the whole Thing you're saying, go, go, go.

[A]

You can rattle off charities. That I can do. You clam up when he got something.

[C]

You're giving bad stage direction. I just have to say, there you go. I would kind of revolt in your class. Go, go, go.

[A]

You wouldn't pass the audition either, would you?

[B]

Damn. I remember hearing about Lorena Bobbitt. She did that and then threw it out the window. Right. She, like, cut his wiener off when she was. You saw it?

[A]

Not the thing. I saw the porn that he did.

[B]

Oh, he did one.

[A]

Yeah. He was in the hospital bed. The nurse came in and.

[B]

That's fun. Well, yeah. And I remember she threw it into like. Throw it out the window in like a cornfield or something or like some.

[A]

Sort of, like, field, and you'd never find mine.

[B]

I remember going, man, that's got to be real dirty. Like picking it back up and putting it on. That was like my main concern. I was 6. What year did Lorena Bobbitt happen?

[A]

You get an infection?

[B]

Yeah, I was like, God damn. It'd be hay all over that thing.

[C]

1992.

[B]

Yeah, 92. I'm six.

[A]

Yeah. That's a lot.

[B]

That's a lot to hear at 6. Yeah. I should have be knowing about the. The news used to be ungoverned, throttled that I was learning what blow jobs were.

[A]

Clinton, my dad.

[B]

Hey, done.

[A]

The cigar thing's a little bit of a kink.

[B]

Yeah. I remember being like. That was like my first of. Like, they're like, oh, it's a. I think it was the bat. It was before. It wasn't lit. It's not in the circus.

[A]

That's how he moistened it.

[B]

Yeah. It wasn't lit.

[A]

I know, but that's still. No, it must have burned. Still, that tobacco.

[B]

Tobacco. Le. Oh, that tingled. Ribbed for his pleasure.

[A]

You love to be talking about this.

[B]

I don't think so. Hold on. We never finished.

[A]

Oh, yes, please.

[B]

Hold on. Punched by an adult. My sister, sweet 16. The DJ's assistant made a move on one of her friends. Led to a huge brawl. Yeah, I was 14 and got caught by said DJs assistant, who turned out to be 29.

[A]

What the fuck?

[B]

Police showed up one hour in and we had to vacate the venue.

[A]

That's good for you, standing up to the guy.

[B]

Dude, imagine hitting on a 16 year old, then punching a 14 year old. That guy's in jail and deserves to be. That's crazy. What kind of. That's nuts. There's got to be. Now that's what was happening back then. That guy would just be. Listen, if you're 29 and you're a DJs assistant, that should be like, I'm a 17, 18 year old trying to get into the DJ music biz.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'm moving boxes, I'm pushing speaker.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

29, you're probably out on parole or something.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Shouldn't be around kids.

[A]

You don't have it.

[B]

You don't got it.

[A]

You can't scratch or do something.

[B]

You don't got it.

[A]

I saw the same thing. It was a graduate graduation party. We weren't supposed to be there. We were with a mixed crew. It was my crew and another crew. Good guys. Kid that got punched. Albert, shout out to you. Great dude. Good dude. The girls whose house it was. Mom was a single mom.

[B]

Oh, yeah. That just leaves dudes around. Hot.

[A]

She was one of the hottest chicks in high school. And her mom was a nine piece, as they say, a contract or something like that. Some, you know, some local rich guy, whatever. He had one of his boys there and you know, they're like, yeah, you know, we're just wrapping up or whatever. So we know this guy comes charging out, he's got a half a Miller leading him, gets the kid up against his car, gives him two adult man straight on, bang, bang to the face. Albert was like, all right, now you're about to get beat up by. Because we were all like ready to fucking bounce on this guy. Mom comes running down the driveway screaming, dick.

[B]

All right, this one's from Rusty. Ever just drink soup from the can?

[A]

I never know I got a bad thing about that.

[B]

The cans are gross. Yeah.

[A]

And for some reason, I think it was Home EC when I was young. They really scared us about botulism or whatever. Yeah. Leaving things in the can in the, in the fridge.

[B]

Really.

[A]

Which I just saw at some. One of my cousin's house. They had soup or something that was.

[B]

Still in the can in the thing.

[A]

Excuse me, in the fridge. Yeah. We were always told, get that out of the can. And I would never.

[B]

I don't like, like those, like I'm thinking like the Campbell's can or whatever. I always just picture like a wax. To me, it needed to be. I. I realized it at the time. I realized it just needed to be heated up like it was already cooked. But in my head that was like raw.

[A]

Yeah. I don't like it.

[B]

It needs to get out of that container and into a fucking pot. And it needs to be. It needs to be cooked.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I'M not just eating raw ingredients. And then they came out with a Campbell soup commercial with the big fat, like bowl kind of that you would microwave it and do that.

[A]

That's a 7 11.

[B]

That was everywhere.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it had. Where you're buying your soup.

[A]

Well they were like. It was like Campbell's to go maybe.

[B]

Yeah. It was like. And you would heat it up and that was. But they would started pushing. Drinking right out of the can. Eat it right out of the. It was like a bowl shaped can.

[A]

No.

[B]

That was the first time I went, whoa.

[A]

I'll do a cup of noodles like a gentleman.

[B]

I never realized that was bad either.

[A]

They're great.

[B]

I meant for you.

[A]

Really. Just noodles. Pasta and freeze dried shrimp in Styrofoam.

[B]

That you then put in the microwave or dump boiling water into. That ain't talk about forever. Forever plastic.

[C]

It's got like a year's worth of sodium in it too.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

It's like. So.

[B]

I remember flipping fresh.

[A]

Good for you. Flip.

[B]

Freshman year I had like two or three one day. And he's like, that stuff's bad for you. I said get out of here. Pass me a Gatorade.

[A]

It's crazy. I knew.

[B]

I had no idea.

[A]

I knew when I did it anyway.

[B]

No. I had 000. It wasn't until the first time I moved up here and I did. No sugar. No grains. And I didn't understand it even then. I just knew that if you did that you would lose weight. I started to. I was 28. I started to piece it together.

[A]

I remember your meatball phase.

[C]

Mm.

[B]

You're still in yours.

[A]

Swedish.

[B]

This one's from Dylan 10. Homie.

[C]

Never.

[B]

Never had one read. Have you had to introduce a family member due to a news story? First time my mom stayed at my grandparents. The next morning the news story was a B and E into a pharmacy. My dad and his parents recognized his cousin fresh out of jail falling through the drop ceiling of a CVS on the new surveillance cam. He was working a parole job on the attached gas station and found out that the ducks were connected. That's jammed the fuck up.

[A]

That's your Uncle Eddie.

[B]

He's hanging. All right. We got to wrap it up, gang.

[A]

We love you to death. We'll see you next week.

[B]

All right? Peace.