Holding Comedy Grudges | Patreon Episode (FULL)

Summary

Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast

Episode: Holding Comedy Grudges | Patreon Episode (FULL)

Hosts: H. Foley & Kevin Ryan

Date: October 10, 2025

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Episode Overview

This exclusive Patreon episode of "Are You Garbage?" is a classic dive into the trashy underbelly of comedy, friendship, and the everyday foibles of its hosts, H. Foley ("the Bug Man") and Kevin Ryan. The main theme revolves around old comedy grudges, memories of grinding through New York City's open mic scene, hilarious personal mishaps, and a brutally honest (and very funny) look at adult procrastination. It’s a rambling, infectiously silly episode packed with stories of rage, filth, self-improvement, and the timeless struggle to be less "garbage."

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Comedy Grudges & Scenes from the Open Mic Trenches

• "The Bug Man" Origins & Stand-Up Slights:
  • Foley recounts how Maria Heineck once roasted his "H. Foley" stage name at a Brooklyn coffee shop open mic, likening the initial trend to Louis CK. Foley responded with a fake backstory, ending with, "If some broad starts running her mouth at an open mic, tell her to mind her own fucking business. Murdered. Whole place went nuts." (03:34)
  • Foley’s resentment highlights how these perceived slights can stick:

    “From that day on, I was accepted into their ranks. And the rest, as they say, was history.” (04:11)

• Bucket Rigging & The List:
  • Kevin recalls realizing open mic "bucket" draws are rigged for friends, sparking lifelong grudges:

    "What those comics didn’t realize at the time is that they had two deranged psychopaths. The list started back then." (09:10)

  • They joke about holding onto these slights for years, never really forgiving.
• Scary Jerry, Asian Phil & the Rogues’ Gallery:
  • Introduction of recurring fringe-characters from their beginnings (Scary Jerry, Asian Phil), hinting at potential guest appearances.

    “Scary Jerry is a character of one of the most... truly someone that could be studied by aliens.” (11:12)

2. Adult Life, Household Mishaps & Delayed Chores

• Flaking on Friends & the Anatomy of a Shameful Weekend:
  • Foley admits to bailing on plans with Kevin and a friend, triggering a roast about lame excuses ("had to watch the cat," "laundry," "needed a grill"):

    “Who’s watching the cat right now? No one. No one’s home!” (18:23)
    “Your excuses are not. You have to watch the cat. Who’s watching the cat right now? No one. No one’s home.” (18:40)

  • Kevin: “I’m going to sound like a dick. You listed five hours of stuff out of a hundred hours.” (20:02)
• Household Fails – Plumbing and Laundry Chaos:
  • Foley tries (and fails) to fix his clogged bathtub drain, escalating into a multi-hour ordeal, ending with his partner returning home to unmade beds and a hacked-together bathroom:

    “I had the sheet on it. I had the fitted sheet on it.” (36:58) “I literally look at my wife every time and I go, fuck. I want to kill myself. She’s figuring it out and she starts laying. He laughs at me. And that. Kippy don’t like that.” (38:41)

  • Tales of bedding disasters, duvet covers, and almost losing toes to cheap bed frames, all serve as metaphors for Foley’s chaotic approach to adulthood.
• Deflecting Responsibility:
  • Foley attempts to blame the super for missing screws in the drain cover, a detail Kevin gleefully skewers:

    “I just took the screw from the inside, put it on the outside.” (50:31)

3. Neighborhood & Building Dynamics

• Being the 'Building Bitch':
  • Foley considers himself a bigwig in his apartment, but Kevin points out, “You are the bitch of this place. Building bitch. That’s what you are.” (47:27, 51:04)
  • Discussion of new neighbors, parking spot drama, and a macabre discovery of a dead cat underlines the mundane, sometimes grim realities of city living.

4. Reflections on Readiness & Fatherhood

• Kevin's Domestic Accomplishments:
  • Kevin shares the sense of relief (and anticipation) as he finishes prepping his home for his incoming baby:

    “I walked on and went, everything’s... oh, everything’s back. It’s about to get blown the fuck up, and it’s just gonna be chaos.” (53:09)

  • Thoughts on how early parenthood might actually allow a momentary calm before the storm.
• Teenagers, Parenting Fears & New York City Street Life:
  • Kevin riffs on how he dreads raising a "jerk off" New York teenager, observing the rough-and-tumble behavior of kids in his neighborhood park:

    “I so don’t want to raise a jerk off teenager. Teenagers – all age, all from every… I think city teenagers are bigger jerk offs than other.” (55:52)

  • The hosts debate city versus suburban childhoods, rowdiness, and the etiquette of scolding strangers’ kids.
  • High comedy as Kevin imagines having to fight a group of teens and strategizes using hot coffee as a weapon:

    “I thought about hitting the one with a coffee. That was gonna be my– I lose if they, if that was gonna turn on me.” (66:22)

5. Self-Reflection: Trashiness, Guilt, and Progress

• Foley, amid all the jokes, opens up about his recent "low point" and his efforts to self-improve:

  “I'm coming out of it. I think it's great.” (60:48)

• The entire episode serves as a ribbing-filled group therapy session—a comedic exploration of procrastination, friendships, adulthood, and the never-ending effort to stop being "garbage."

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Comedy Grudges:
  • “What those comics didn’t realize at the time is that they had two deranged psychopaths. The list started back then.” – Kevin Ryan (09:10)
• On Domestic Failures:
  • “I had a nice, relaxing weekend at my home. I went out, I did some stuff. I went to Home Depot. All right.” – Foley (22:35)
  • “I'm going to sound like a dick. You listed five hours of stuff out of a hundred hours.” – Kevin (20:02)
• On Bedding Disasters:
  • “Whoever fucking invented the duvet cover should be taken out and have their fucking head [blown off].” – Foley (37:15)
• On Being the Building ‘Bitch’:
  • “You are the bitch of this place. Building bitch. That’s what you are, a fucking building bitch.” – Kevin (47:27)
• On Self-improvement & Acceptance:
  • “You paint me at this picture like I'm some loser, which I'm not… just trying to fucking do me. A little solitude, Think, get my head straight. Working on me.” – Foley (29:53)
• On Parenting Anxieties:
  • “I so don’t want to raise a jerk off teenager… City teenagers are bigger jerk offs than other.” – Kevin (55:52)
• On Teenage Confrontation:
  • “I thought about hitting the one with a coffee. That was gonna be my– I lose if they, if that was gonna turn on me.” – Kevin (66:22)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [00:00–05:00] – Nicknames, Stand-up Slander, and Open Mic Beginnings
• [05:40–11:30] – Open Mic Grudges, Bucket Rigging, and "The List"
• [11:30–13:00] – Introducing ‘Scary Jerry’ and Fringe Characters
• [14:42–18:20] – Foley’s Flaked Plans, Kevin’s Friendly Roast
• [19:07–25:00] – Procrastination, Home Repairs, and Snacking at Home Depot
• [27:54–37:00] – Plunging the Drain, Sheets Disaster, Domestic Chaos
• [41:10–47:11] – Building Politics, Dead Cats, and Foley’s Many Excuses
• [52:13–54:43] – Kevin Prepares for Baby, Domestic Calm Before the Storm
• [55:39–66:22] – Fears about Raising Kids, Rough-and-Tumble NYC Youth, Fighting Teens
• [66:22–68:22] – "Scalding Kids With Coffee", Accepting Your Inner Trash, Wrap-Up

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Tone & Language

The episode is informal, crass, fast-paced, and constantly self-deprecating. Foley and Ryan talk over each other, bust balls mercilessly, and create a sense of rambling, hilarious chaos that is affectionate and sharp. The self-awareness and willingness to lean into their own insecurities is core to the show’s charm.

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Summary Takeaway

If you haven’t listened, this episode captures everything fans love: confessions of laziness, cathartic rants, the bitter memory of comedy politics, and a warm, riotous look at adult failings. The "garbage" never really leaves them—but at least they’re laughing about it together.

Transcript

[A]

What's going on there, fuckers? And welcome back to another exciting edition of Them Hard Motherfucking Feelings. I'm your host, the Bug Man.

[B]

You just hear crawling.

[A]

I like the Bug Man.

[B]

Bugman's good.

[A]

It suits me a little bit.

[B]

I keep forgetting.

[A]

Started out as the Big man, then it came to the Bug Man.

[B]

I want to introduce it more to the public episodes. But I keep forgetting in interior. You're the bug man. Where's the bug Man?

[A]

I'm the bug man. Chuku Cuckoo. My co host doesn't have a nickname. Real lame.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

They call him the Exterminator.

[B]

And I'll kill myself.

[A]

Kevin Ryan, everybody.

[B]

What's up, gang? Shout out to the Kevin James Ryan 3. First Name Shout out to the triple loser. Okay, my bad. I should go by H. That's cool.

[A]

It is cool.

[B]

What's up? I'm hiding.

[A]

I would tell you Maria Heineck stands for hemorrhoid.

[B]

What?

[A]

Maria Heineck made fun of me at an open mic.

[B]

No, but I wish I was there for it because his story stinks. I guess you had to be there.

[A]

I was fresh on the scene from Philly. I was at an open mic. Half Moon Bay coffee shop somewhere in Brooklyn.

[B]

I think I remember that. Was that like a all. Was that like a music mic too?

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay. Sorry, man. You really. Yes. And don't you.

[A]

No, it was an open mic at a. At a coffee shop. We had. The back room was on Tuesdays, 4 o'.

[B]

Clock. Real prime time now. Man. We used this thing.

[A]

Ah. Doing those open mics that first year. I wanted to blow my brain.

[B]

I remember going to Auto Shrunken Head. Do you remember that, please? It didn't work. That was my opener every weekend.

[A]

Is that right?

[B]

That's not bad. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. If it wasn't for Tuesdays with stories, I probably would have killed myself a long time ago.

[B]

It's you guys we have to blame. What did she say?

[A]

Who?

[B]

Maria.

[A]

Oh, she pulled my name out. She's like, h. Foley. She's like, God, why did he was every. Because that's when Louis CK was popular.

[B]

Yeah. When he was five. Like, he's like. He's just struggling now. He's on like a fucking intergalactic door at the moment.

[A]

They say it's his best hour. And she's like, yeah. She was like, why did. Why did guy comedians use their initials or something like that? I never told you this.

[B]

No. But I'm on her side. So then I know Maria.

[A]

So then I went, yes, sweetheart, Very funny comic. She was right to make fun of me. So then I didn't like that. No, you did. If I know that I wasn't a fan of the scene at the time.

[B]

If I know the bug man.

[A]

No, the bug man did not like it. My antennas were up, so I went later in the program.

[B]

Calling a swarm, have this place crawling with locust in a few minutes.

[A]

I get some weevils in here that'll turn this place upside down.

[B]

A couple of roly polys come rolling through here.

[A]

Scare you. You like a silver fish. Anyway, I went later in the program, and I did my set. You know what I mean? But I had this in my pocket, and I was like, oh, by the way, about my name. My. My name comes from. I was named after my grandfather. My dad had this wooden plaque that my cousin made that hung over his thing.

[B]

An open mic. A comedy open mic.

[A]

And then I told this fake story about my dad's buddy dying in his arms in Vietnam. And. And he said, if you ever have a kid that grows up to be a comedian, make sure he uses H. Foley. And if some broad starts running her mouth at an open mic, tell her to mind her own fucking business. Murdered.

[B]

Murdered.

[A]

Whole place went nuts.

[B]

This reality murder. Okay, yeah. This is not broadcasting. Me and you. Murdered.

[A]

Nope. Murdered. Killed.

[B]

How many people were there?

[A]

About 20.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

All comics. Get that last comics, comic.

[B]

You are favorite comedians.

[A]

And from that day on, I was accepted into their ranks. And the rest, as they say, was history.

[B]

I remember early on, so that the open mic game was a bit of a system you had to work. It was a game.

[A]

Oh, what, do you tell war stories now? Trying to one up me?

[B]

This is what it's like, gang. What it's like, you know? We have an hour to fill. You share a story, I share a story.

[A]

An action pack weekend, dickhead.

[B]

Okay, we'll get into that. But it was at the Alligator Lounge. Remember that place on 14th? Well, enough, maybe.

[A]

Is that the place that sold pizzas? Yeah.

[B]

You got a. You bought a beer. You got a free pizza.

[A]

I tell you, anywhere there was a pizza, this guy found it.

[B]

Oh, really? Guy who's fucking 488 pounds.

[A]

I'm not 488 pounds.

[B]

What do you. Okay, moving on. I'm not. I'm not gonna be that guy.

[A]

I am not 488 pounds.

[B]

I'm not gonna be that guy. I'm moving on. Trav, hit me.

[A]

If I lose 15, I'll be around to retract that. Yes. Fact check.

[B]

That Redact that.

[A]

Call him out. Trav Fenderberg. Yeah.

[B]

So for the listener, Foley doesn't. How long has Trav worked for us? Three years. At least. At least two. At least two years. Coming up on three years, I would argue Foley does not know.

[A]

I don't know Ryan's real last name.

[B]

You don't know his last name. You don't know Trav's last name. But before this, you were going. I'm a real Traz. Mom Traz. Real friend.

[A]

You're my boy. We're gonna go see Superman together, aren't we? Tickets are on me. Trav. I'll get the popcorn.

[B]

The whole night before, he was paying for both of you to go.

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

We're gonna go see it together, and you can't come.

[B]

That's all right, Luke.

[A]

You're more than welcome to come.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

I don't want you there.

[B]

What's Luke's name?

[A]

Francis Dempsey.

[B]

There you go. What number?

[A]

Third.

[B]

Nope.

[A]

Second?

[B]

Fourth? Nope.

[A]

Seventh?

[B]

Nope.

[A]

Sixth? No. It gives a. The fifth. Yeah, the fifth.

[B]

Louis. Francis. Yeah.

[A]

God. Man. Goes all the way back, doesn't it?

[B]

All right.

[A]

You come over on the Mayflower.

[B]

Down below.

[A]

My cousin by marriage, he always tells people that her family came over on the Mayflower.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No Irish fucking Cocktail.

[A]

More like the Silver Bullet train. The cores, I guess.

[B]

I like it. There you go.

[A]

So go ahead. So you're at an open mic.

[B]

I don't want to tell this.

[A]

Yeah, you're at an open mic at the Alligator.

[B]

You were there, probably.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

I was knee deep in pizzas.

[A]

I never had pizza from there. Excuse me.

[B]

But you would buy a beer, you get a free pizza.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Little personal banger.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What are you doing?

[A]

Scratching my ankle.

[B]

Oh, God. And we're back.

[A]

It's a cut. I didn't get it. Oh, there it is. Sometimes I think I have bedbugs.

[B]

You've been bugged. Me?

[A]

That's how I got my superpowers.

[B]

Bit by 5,000 bedbugs at the same time. No. Whatever. And I was. I remember putting my name in and then, like, you put your name in the bucket. That was a bucket. Everybody writes on a little piece of paper. But they would rig the bucket for.

[A]

Their fucking dickhead buddies.

[B]

Yeah. And I didn't.

[A]

They all sucked.

[B]

Well, this one, it was good. Ended up being a friend of ours. Done the show.

[A]

Suba Agawa Subar ran it.

[B]

No, but Suba popped in. And then.

[A]

Just like Suba was the king of open.

[B]

Suba was the fucking. She was. She would do 50 mics a week.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Everybody loved her. She was very funny, very hardworking. So people would go like, okay, Suba, you can pop in and go up always. Because you're. You're. She was such a mover. And shaking.

[A]

She always moving and shaking.

[B]

Based on her merit.

[A]

Not anything unlike you. Okay, sure. This is hard feelings.

[B]

Sure. Hey, pal, I got nothing. I got nothing but love for you.

[A]

You love you too. See, you bitten off my water.

[B]

You're bitten off my water. There was one word you said correctly in there, and it was off.

[A]

I don't trust the ph in this.

[B]

You have fecal matter in your pants at the moment. You don't. You don't trust the ph. Actually. You're not wearing underwear, so I'm not. That's probably on me, too. Thin layer of gabardine. Whatever. But that was when I realized.

[A]

Go ahead.

[B]

That the fix was in. And they weren't pulling up. They weren't going by the honor system because it was like, I don't. I don't want to name his name, but whatever is that. And I remember going, oh, fuck this guy.

[A]

Those are always so.

[B]

Because it was like him. And like the first 18 people were all his bullies. And then all left.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then they would go up early and leave. And then it was me fucking six pizza and six beers.

[A]

And what those comics didn't realize at the time is that they had two deranged psychopaths. The list started back then.

[B]

It did. And I still don't like the guy. I was trashing him this weekend. That one brought his name up.

[A]

I said, they don't even think that we remember it.

[B]

I don't. They think we're friends. I see. They go, hey, how you doing? I go, you had no clothes to doubt how close you are to death.

[A]

My friend made fun of me for having a fourth slice. I'll kill you.

[B]

I also imagine it taking you, like eight months to figure it out. Like, way too long sitting there.

[A]

Wait a minute.

[B]

Again. Again. The same 14 people went up in a row.

[A]

They'd all come in and left me. They'd all come in with their pens and their notebooks, bouncing jokes off each.

[B]

I remember being.

[A]

Where you at now? Some of them do very well, actually. All great guys.

[B]

I just remember going like, ah, whatever. Okay. Hey, it's the system. It is what it is. We've ran shows in Philly. I get how that works. It's whatever.

[A]

But we did it honorably, though.

[B]

Then they would all leave and you would just have to fucking. So now I'm like up there delivering jokes to like fucking, you know, Ryan D and Scary Jerry. And I got fucking nothing going on. And like, they're like, you know, it's just you and the mutants at table nine left. I'm going, I'm a goddamn fucking working comedian here.

[A]

Is that our first mention of Scary Jerry?

[B]

Yes, I think so.

[A]

Gang.

[B]

Let'S. We'll pitch it. So we'll. So as you know, you've met Ryan D. Ryan D is a long term buddy of ours. Started off doing open mics and stuff with them. Banging our way through the Village and the East Village at that as well. Multiple different sectors of the Village.

[A]

And Ryan D. Had a crew of flunkies.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That we would.

[B]

They. He would. So Ryan was like our straggler guy. And then like, you know, then Ryan introduced. He would always cut. He would show up with a rat. The most ragtag bunch of guys.

[A]

Yeah. Asian Phil and Scary Jerry.

[B]

Asian Phil and Scary Jerry.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And Scary Jerry is a character of one of the most. I mean, we've known him for what, We've known him for a decade. The whole time we've been in New York, he's been in our lives.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

We were, you know. And Ryan still hangs out with him a good amount. Ryan still sees him. I would argue weekly. They talk. Whatever.

[A]

Boys.

[B]

They're boys. So he was sharing some Scary Jerry stories with us where we. We were like, we should we have him on the show or not? As a. You know, we'll probably have him on a Patreon episode. That's. We. That's the idea we're kicking around, is to introduce Scary Jerry. I haven't seen him in a long time.

[A]

No, but he's still Jerry.

[B]

He's still scary.

[A]

Still scary. An interesting fellow. An interesting mix of garbage.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Truly someone that could be studied by aliens.

[B]

Yes. Yes.

[A]

Very in the near distance, very unique.

[B]

Specific kind of boy. Yeah.

[A]

Yes, an interesting.

[B]

That's all I would say. So maybe. Maybe one day soon you'll get to meet Scary Jerry.

[A]

Is that the rest of the story at the Alligator Lounge?

[B]

Yeah, it was just me realizing the fix was in.

[A]

And I think that's a pubic hair, to be honest with you.

[B]

Don't look at me.

[A]

Luke.

[B]

Your flies down and you keep not wearing underwear. You.

[A]

You keep it shaved, so I know it's not you.

[B]

I'm hairless.

[A]

Ew. Are you?

[B]

Does that gross you out and turn you on?

[A]

You tell me.

[B]

Chubzy.

[A]

Grosses me out and turns Me on.

[B]

That's what turns me on. I'm so grossed out.

[A]

I like it.

[B]

Weird. Uh huh. Yeah.

[A]

Should we get into the weekend?

[B]

Sure. I got one. One or two little things that I want to. This, this was maybe last week. I forgot to bring it up. It was insane. I, you know, we're leaving here one night. I. I call up my Uber. Right. Guys out front waiting. Sure. And it was a few minutes or whatever. You know, I was like, maybe we were waiting to take. You know, whatever. We're all leaving.

[A]

It's scary down there, doesn't it?

[B]

No. Jerry and I get in the car, right? Older Asian man.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Suv.

[A]

I've seen him.

[B]

And I was a little longer, I think. Like I pull up and maybe he was expecting me to be right there. But we were, we were up here and just whatever. Took like maybe three minutes to get down there. So I get in and. You ever get in. The vibes are weird. Like I just got in. I'm like, he's acting weird. He like moved around real quick and I'm like, what the fuck?

[A]

And he's jerking off.

[B]

No, he was peeing in a bottle. Which they do. They pee in bottles and then pull.

[A]

Over and dump it out.

[B]

That's my suspicion. Because I saw a bot. I saw a bottle get shoved into the side real quick. And he was. He was fiction, his Jimmy.

[A]

And you know a bottle of Riptide Rush when you see it, and it ain't Yeller.

[B]

Yeah. And I was like, what? But it took me a minute. We start falling. This motherfucker was just peeing in here. I felt so violated.

[A]

Did it smell like pee in the car?

[B]

But then I started thinking. I'm like, that's pee. But I. It was. I was in my head at that point.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then I go.

[A]

Probably drinks a lot of green tea. It's probably flushed out.

[B]

Yeah, he's probably, you know, it's probably all antioxidants.

[A]

Ginseng.

[B]

But it was just one of those things where I'm like, that doesn't feel right. But I just rolled with it. And they.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

You know what I mean? It is what it is. I've been in a public restroom.

[A]

Sure. Do you look at the piece?

[B]

Nah, he was, I think, because. Well, what happened was I was walking across. I was waiting for the cars to pass and I went like this. And that's when I saw him. Frantic, I think he was. He had to cut it off midstream and. Yeah. Put a cork in his Becker.

[A]

Very interesting. Oh, man. I Would have fucking bugged out. I would have got out, got in the front seat.

[B]

Hey, Vita Vito. So let's get into this big weekend you had. I heard. Big weekend, lot of plans. I had some plans with you that you fell through. Didn't connect. Didn't really. Hard feelings is, you know, aside. That's not how you handle canceling plans on a man.

[A]

I'm sorry. You're saying I didn't do it, right?

[B]

I would feel that way, yeah.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

You think me saying, hey, I'm in, and then a couple hours before saying, hey, I can't make it?

[B]

Well, it wasn't until I texted you. What time are you going? So a friend of ours was having people over, texting me and Foley in a group chat. That's right, yeah. So I was in chat. Hey, what time? Oh, cool. Sounds good. Sounds good. So then noon roll. We're supposed to be there at 3. 11 or noon rolls around or something like that. No word from you that you're not going, which I feel, as a friend, if you know three hours before you're supposed to be there.

[A]

I knew the week earlier.

[B]

Yeah. Then why don't you tell me?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Yeah, because you're. That's bad when you're lying to him and me.

[A]

I'm not lying.

[B]

I knew you weren't going.

[A]

And saying, I have every intention on going, I want to go. But then when it, you know, push comes to shove, I don't know, something, you know, they don't want me there, or something like that goes through my head.

[B]

You mean, I. Okay. Yeah, but it's like we made the plans with you, right? We were taking. We were weighing in the options with the three of us made the plans. That was because of the three of us. Mm. Oh, you think a hundred. I mean, 100%.

[A]

Huh?

[B]

It was me, you and him was the impetus of this thing.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And then I think you're going the whole time. You don't indicate that you're not going. So then I think it was like, 12:45. Something. I was like, I'm, like, getting ready. I'm mapping out, all right, I'm leaving, you know, And I go, what time you going? And you. Then you lied. You went, I'm not sure if I'm going to make it. Which when I heard that, I was pretty sure you were sure you weren't going to make it.

[A]

I had a lot going on.

[B]

And I go, what are you doing? And it gets back to this thing, which we were breaking your Balls. I think the last two weeks you're like, I got a lot of stuff to do around the apartment. And I hit you with an lol, which lets you know, Kibby don't play that shit.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Yeah, I left it at that. I think I called you gay and then said lol.

[A]

Something like that.

[B]

Yeah. So what was the big to do? Because one of the things you needed to do was get a grill, which we've just found out you did not do.

[A]

No, I didn't get the grill yet.

[B]

Need to do laundry. You didn't do laundry.

[A]

I did do laundry.

[B]

No, you didn't, because you're in pants right now. Because you don't have underwear.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Because you said I didn't do laundry. So I didn't do laundry.

[A]

Slow down, slow down. I didn't do clothes. I did the beddings. The beddings are done.

[B]

You have two beds.

[A]

Yeah. So you got to wash the duvet covers individually. Then you have to watch the blankets individually and then all the sheets.

[B]

Okay. You had four days, right?

[A]

I didn't just do laundry.

[B]

I'm asking what else you did. You started off with laundry.

[A]

I'll give you four hours this weekend.

[B]

Who are you?

[A]

So my girl, she was away again. And, you know, I was home with the cat, so I gotta watch the cat now.

[B]

You don't have to wait. You don't have to sit there and actively watch. I'm sorry. This is some tough love. I'm putting my foot down.

[A]

Cat's gotta be fed twice a day.

[B]

Okay, so I have a dog.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Who needs to be walked three or four times a day.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I have a fucking 100 month pregnant wife who can't do it. I'm doing it all.

[A]

Okay? What's your point?

[B]

That your excuses are not. You have to watch the cat. Who's watching the cat right now? No one. No one's home.

[A]

There's somebody there.

[B]

Who?

[A]

Travis.

[B]

Travis. What's his last name?

[A]

Okay, he's over there. Thanks, Trav, for watching the cat.

[B]

I'm sorry. I got to put my foot down. This bull. These bull cocky lies ain't gonna work.

[A]

They're not bull cocky lies.

[B]

So ain't the bullcocky truth.

[A]

Okay, so, yeah, so, yeah, I know you're dead.

[B]

You're dead to rights.

[A]

Everybody knows I flaked out on the. On the. On the event. All right, whatever. I procrastinated a little bit this weekend, but I had a. I had a nice weekend by myself. I did. I did a lot of cleaning. I Did a lot of organizing. I threw out a lot of clothes. I read a script. I watched some movies. I got some good night's sleeps. Saturday and Monday morning I went to the gym. Okay. Didn't go Friday or Sunday, but I went and did my little old workout that I used to do my. My weightlifting and stuff like that.

[B]

Shake weight?

[A]

Yeah, I did.

[B]

That rouses you?

[A]

I ate. Well. I got good night sleeps. You know, I was just kind of doing my thing this weekend.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

That's what I did. I did the laundry. I threw some stuff out. I started cleaning up the upstairs again. Moving some stuff around.

[B]

I'm gonna sound like a dick. You listed five hours of stuff out of. Out of a hundred hours.

[A]

I'm doing it at my pace.

[B]

That pace doesn't work for anybody. Do you. Are you not getting that? Like, you gotta get out of this.

[A]

I'm allowed.

[B]

What?

[A]

I can't. I can't be at my house.

[B]

Not for fucking five days straight. You shouldn't be at your house. You should be up doing more stuff. Socializing.

[A]

I was out.

[B]

Where'd you go?

[A]

I had to go to the store. Went to cvs.

[B]

Okay. Ball, condoms. Fingered my asshole.

[A]

That's funny. I did do that Thursday night.

[B]

I'm sorry. Shit back there. Okay. Yeah. We just choose to see it differently, I guess.

[A]

So. The one thing I did do. So one issue is. So there's a couple of things that I have to get done. There's a.

[B]

Which we've already found out. You did not get done.

[A]

There's a slab upstairs. Okay.

[B]

Slab of bacon.

[A]

I took care of that. There's a slab upstairs that's crooked, so that's got to get fixed. All right, then. Dash. Are you doing it?

[B]

You can't fix that.

[A]

No, I know. No, I can't.

[B]

So what are you doing? Who's doing that?

[A]

Super.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But he kept. He kept canceling on me.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So the other thing.

[B]

I thought he was there last week fixing stuff.

[A]

He was, but the plumber wasn't there that day.

[B]

The plumber's got to fix the slab.

[A]

No, he was supposed to do that. He didn't do it.

[B]

Okay. This guy sucks, too.

[A]

We all kind of suck.

[B]

I'm picking up on that. You got a fucking bozo team trying to do. I just picture another fat ass. You guys laying there eating chips, not working on anything. That's what I picture. You're both canceling plans with your best friends. You know what? I can't make it. I got stuff to do.

[A]

I did the sheets did do the sheets. What'd you do?

[B]

I did. I did everything. What our house is. Our apartment is completely ready for the baby. Packed.

[A]

So is mine. Mine's all organized and clean except for a couple of things.

[B]

Your. All of your underwear. None of that is clean. And even said you threw out clothes probably because you didn't want to do the laundry.

[A]

What are you laughing at?

[B]

I'm killing with diesel.

[A]

Fucking diesel's peeking in. Hang out. Scary. Jerry.

[B]

Tough love, baby. Tough love. Well, I just, like, perspective wise. I understand you're going through some stuff.

[A]

I'm not going through some stuff anymore. I'm on the men's. Everything's cool. I'm doing good.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Things are good.

[B]

I would argue the amount of stuff you did over the weekend.

[A]

I had a nice, relaxing weekend at my home. I went out, I did some stuff. I went to Home Depot. All right.

[B]

What'd you get at Home Depot?

[A]

I got a snake and I got some drain cleaner.

[B]

Why didn't you buy the grill when you were at Home Depot?

[A]

It was too much of a project.

[B]

You were there.

[A]

I didn't have the car. I have the car.

[B]

Why? That would be my next question. Why you're going Home Depot?

[A]

The missus had the car.

[B]

Oh. What kind of Uber did you take?

[A]

It was a Highlander.

[B]

Pretty big car. That is a pretty big car. They also have delivery.

[A]

Yeah, I didn't think of it. I do things compartmentalized.

[B]

No, you do things smartedly. And I'm sorry, I have to try to fix it. It's insane. It's proper insane the way you conduct.

[A]

I wasn't there yet. I wasn't focused on that yet. So I went to Home Depot.

[B]

First of all, you've been trying to buy a grill since you moved into this apartment.

[A]

That's not true. I had a. I have a grill.

[B]

Then why are you buying a new one?

[A]

Because that one stinks. It's electric. And I got people coming to the house, and I got to. I got to move some.

[B]

I got to move some diesels. I got some dogs that need to get on the grill.

[A]

Trying to get a grill to save a little money when everybody's here. So, you know, we're cooking out and stuff like that. We're not doing fancy dinners.

[B]

Say you spent like three grand on Yankees tickets and you're worried about saving money. I don't. I can't get. Whatever point you try to make. You've conversely told me the other point.

[A]

Well, you can only. Can only do one thing. You know I'm not. I'm not spending that money on Yankees tickets and then doing a bunch of big dinners, too. We're going to eat at home. Family.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Plus her mom will do a lot of the cooking.

[B]

There you go.

[A]

There's always something.

[B]

It's all hibachi.

[A]

There's always something going. Just cooking.

[B]

It's great. Okay.

[A]

Healthy stuff, too. Asian food.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Tempura.

[B]

A lot of rice.

[A]

A lot of rice. So one of the issues is there's something clogged up in the. In the. This.

[B]

This has been going on a minute. You have to. You have to hold. I'm not. Me not breaking your ball. Me breaking your balls aside. This. You've. This thing's been snaked. There's been plumbers. There's been supers. There's been super bad plumber. Everybody. It sounds like everybody but fucking Super Mario Brothers is going down his pipe.

[A]

Well, that. They checked them off the list because I took a shot at it yesterday and that was a mistake. It was a big mistake.

[B]

What'd you do?

[A]

I went to Home Depot. I got a snake and I got this drain cleaner that's supposed to be like the serious business.

[B]

You buy any of them snacks at the checkout? Cause I'll do that. Because you don't feel like they should be there. And then they're there. I think I got you dead on. You got some Rolos or something, didn't you, fat ass? They always got something where you go, I haven't seen this in a minute. And it feels so out of place. It's that same thing at a Staples. You're like, ooh, treats.

[A]

They got Rolos and the movie sized Twizzlers.

[B]

They can't tell me shit, dog. Can't say no.

[A]

And I got my own gun.

[B]

Oh, yeah. I'm. I feel. I. I feel this is always. I was talking to Diesel about this. I feel so cool when I. I doing other people's jobs. You know what I mean? If I'm ever like. That's why I like being like, backstage.

[A]

I go grab that grill.

[B]

Make my dream. I feel like, cool. I always. When people get to go other places. I was like, when I was working for my dad, you would be at like, even if it was like an Acme. But I get to go in the back and up on the roof. It's like that. I like that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That fucking covert accent.

[A]

It's a good feeling. And I know you're busting my balls and I know socially I haven't been that great But I have been. I have been making strides personally, on my own. I have. And I had a. I had a good weekend. I look back on this weekend and I'm. I'm pretty proud of it, to be honest with you. I did do a lot of stuff around the house. I did go to fucking Home Depot. I did run some errands. I did spend some time with myself. I did some thinking. I read a script. How long do you think it took me to read that script?

[B]

How long is it?

[A]

It took me fucking three days. You know how dumb I am?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you know how.

[B]

Have you seen the show?

[A]

Do you know how long it takes me to read something? I had to literally break it up into two hours a day, where I sat for two hours and read it every day.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It's the first time I read something all the way through from beginning to end. I snuck and read the back first, see how things end up. See what kind of sex scenes we're looking at. There are none.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

All right, tell me so anywho. So I go over to Home Depot, no snacks. I get a snake and I get the drain cleaner. I bring that back to the house.

[B]

That's. Don't just say you went and got. You bring it back to the house. Is not a thing in the list of what you did that day. It is understood. You went to the store. Whatever you bought at the store, you brought back to the house.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You list that shit to make it sound like you're doing stuff, and I will not stand for it.

[A]

Fair enough.

[B]

The buck stops here.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Then I had to open my door and push the button on the elevator. And you know, that gets stuck sometimes. Then I gotta get out, I gotta find my keys. I jiggled a key. I don't know what key it is.

[A]

You know, I met. This morning, I met a. I met a pretty cool guy that lives on my floor guy, Francisco. Real good, good looking, real outgoing guy. He like. He mead me in the elevator.

[B]

What's that mean?

[A]

Like, normally I'd be like the hey, how are you? You know what I mean? Whatever. In the elevator. He did that to me. He's like. He's like, I'm Francisco, by the way. I live in, you know, whatever, whatever. I'm like, oh, I'm Henry. I live. Whatever, whatever. He's like, I was like my. I was. He took me.

[B]

The man with all the Uber eats. He how many people live in your apartment?

[A]

He took me by surprise because he goes, I live in, you know, whatever, whatever. He's like, where do you live? And it took me a second to remember what my apartment number was. And he's like, I'm guessing since you couldn't remember the name of the apartment that you just moved in. Now the back of my head, I'm like, is this guy an asset? Like what this guy's. Is he pulling some CIA mind trick on me or something?

[B]

No, he's Talking to a 50 year old man who can't remember what apartment he's in. He's going, I hope you just moved in, otherwise you need a helmet on.

[A]

I said I was tired. I was like, I am tired.

[B]

Sorry, I read nine pages today.

[A]

No, it was like a 140 page script long. The feature, they have crazy page breaks. Huh?

[B]

There's like 30 words a page.

[A]

No, that's not true.

[B]

There's a hundred and forty minute feature.

[A]

Yeah, that's right.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Special effects right here. 145.

[B]

A lot of character description. 90 minute.

[A]

What are you talking about? That's hard for me. I haven't read in a long time.

[B]

Proud of you. Thanks. I'm not dick. Tough love. This is, this is boot camp, Kippy. Listen, when this kid comes, I'm cutting a cord.

[A]

I don't need boot camp, Kippy. And you take care of the kid, I'll take care of myself. I am taking care of myself. You paint me at this picture like I'm some loser, which I'm not.

[B]

Now you're a real cool guy.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Just trying to fucking do me. A little solitude, Think, get my head straight. Working on me.

[B]

Okay, man?

[A]

All right, sure. I get any Uber eats. So anyway, so I get back from Home Depot, I got all this stuff with me. I go upstairs.

[B]

Upstairs?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You open the door, you go, listen. Yeah, guy, knock it off.

[A]

So the tub is. What's wrong with it? So there's hair clogged in there somewhere. All right. But then also the last time they fixed it, they took the, they took the, the stopper out and it's this weird like tooth looking thing that goes in and up to the drain, up to the. What's it called? The access thing, the spillage thing, the clean out. That's what it's called. What's that for, by the way? So the tub don't overflow.

[B]

Yeah, sometimes, but a lot of times a clean out will. You can open that up and then get into the clean out. Yeah, it's to clean out the pipe.

[A]

So when I was trying to go in through the thing on the floor of the tub. I wasn't hitting anything and I had a pretty long snake and it has that thing on the. On the end.

[B]

You do. So they all say, I work the walls. Can't get the clog. Work the walls. Use your tongue. You're damn well.

[A]

You're licking the clean out rubbing with my finger. Anyway, so I get nothing. So it's getting a little late.

[B]

Can I. Can I ask and do a genuine, honest answer? How long is that first try? Because I know and I'm not. This isn't me. This is me knowing how long I would try that. And also me knowing you. And I'm more on your side with it. How long is that first try, Jen? Are you at it for 20 minutes? Are you going. You give it 90 seconds.

[A]

No, no, I mean it didn't hit anything. It went. It went in and it wasn't hitting anything.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And then when I cranked the thing and pulled it out, nothing came out except for like a little brown water. Like it looked like grease or something like that. So I remembered the last time that. That they were in there fixing it, that he took that thing off and I'm like, it's one screw. How bad could this be? So I go and get the drill, take that thing off. There's four more screws under there and like another plate. And I'm like, fuck. And everything's all rusted. The one screws, like ripped away. Like, what's it called?

[B]

Stripped.

[A]

Yes. But the drill I got. I have a fat head on the drill that took care of it. So I got that off and then I went down that way and still nothing. So now it's all taken apart. I have the drain cleaner in there, which I didn't realize. It says six to eight hours. She's going to be home any minute. All right. I still got the. I still have the sheets from our bed in the dryer. All right, so you're behind the eight.

[B]

Ball on the chores is what you're saying.

[A]

I'm a little behind the eight ball.

[B]

She got back on Sunday. Yeah, this shit. She 11. This isn't me saying. She was expecting.

[A]

She said the same thing to be.

[B]

Done Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Right. If I had to guess, I mean.

[A]

At this point she don't know about the script though.

[B]

5,000 pages. Fucking. Is it the new Hobbit movie? The.

[A]

You'Re taking over Kate Blanchett's part.

[B]

Being the guy I've been in this position. You're going. I always curse myself. Why the didn't I. The did I do this earlier.

[A]

Why the.

[B]

Because now you gotta dig out. You gotta. She's gonna be upset about one of the thi. One of the things is really why you can only lie about. I mean, I'm working at this drink for that you can buy. Cuz there's no real. She don't know when you started. She don't know how many fucking attempts you did.

[A]

And I wasn't even.

[B]

She. The sheets in the dryer is a bad.

[A]

Look. I wasn't even supposed to do this. I thought I was taking the initiative. It's like I've been trying to get the super up there for how many weeks? All right. He's supposed to come on Wednesday. And like, you know, someday I was like, just go, why don't you do it? You got nothing to do. Go and take a shot at it. I thought I was fucking, you know, taking the initiative, but I fucked it up. I couldn't get the screws back on, and I just got all these metal parts in the tub and I was plunging the tub. So now the tub's filthy, the sheets aren't done. So I'm like. As long as she comes home and doesn't want to take a hot shower or lay down, I'm good.

[B]

Which after a long, arduous journey, people love to hit the treadmill. She wants to take her little shoes off, get a nice hot shower going, lay in bed.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That'S. That's not possible for what I'm picking up.

[A]

No, no. And it takes a lot longer bathrooms.

[B]

Or one.

[A]

One. It's nice, though.

[B]

Doesn't sound it. I gotta be honest with you. Sounds like a fucking Porta Potty.

[A]

It's a nice place.

[B]

If I. You use this bathroom a lot? If I can extrapolate what I've learned.

[A]

About this bath I had already cleaned to your bathroom.

[B]

It still smells like urine.

[A]

No, I.

[B]

Smells like a homeless person.

[A]

I had already cleaned the entire bath.

[B]

It still smells. It's.

[A]

No, not that one. I haven't touched that.

[B]

I know, but Diesel cleans that one. And it's still smell. You. You put a lot of pee out there and don't get it immediately. That stuff lingers. Do you have to. I'm cranberries.

[A]

I really cleaned the bathroom and I really cleaned that.

[B]

The cranberries.

[A]

Yeah. Okay. Are you done with behind the Music? I'm tanking over here.

[B]

I know. And I have a lot of jewelry.

[A]

In it, so I can't get this one screw back on.

[B]

God damn it. How much is that in God.

[A]

Shit.

[B]

Screws falling down the drain and shit.

[A]

It's funny you mentioned that.

[B]

I know it all down.

[A]

I got a hole, big hole in the drain.

[B]

Family owns a plumbing company. You know how many fucking screws I dropped down?

[A]

So when I take that first screw off, I'm like, all I gotta do is not let this fucking thing fall. But it's all wet and it's slippery and took a lot of pressure to undo it. But once you like undid it, once it comes out, it slid right out.

[B]

Those are just like surface level. Those are like finishing screws. That's not.

[A]

So when I pulled the screwdriver out, that thing fell right in the hole. But it's not that deep. So I had to go in there digging to get it out and I got a. Caught underneath something. So it took me a while to get that out of there and I got that.

[B]

Then my lunch came. You got to stop it. Take. I got the union guarantees me an hour lunch break and four cigarette breaks.

[A]

Not smoking. So yeah. So then the bird got home.

[B]

What ballpark hour is this?

[A]

It's maybe 10:00 o'clock at night.

[B]

No, you are jammed the fuck up, dude. You don't have the bed made at 10 o' clock at night and you, you're dropping screws.

[A]

I had the sheet on it. I had the fitted sheet on it.

[B]

Doing it. Doing a duvet at 10 o' clock at night fucking sucks. Me and my wife, whichever. So many fights. Oh my Sunday night duvet cover. I blow my fucking brains out.

[A]

Whatever. Fucking invented the duvet cover. It should be taken out and have their fucking head.

[B]

You didn't grow with duvet covers, did you?

[A]

The five blankets. Motherfucker.

[B]

Comforter blankets? Yeah.

[A]

We never had comforters. It was always blankets.

[B]

We had the real thin ones.

[A]

The first comforters we got, we talked about were the ones that had the shredded plastic in it. Our wired plastic. Ours were like the shitty ones. Yeah, this, this is like that they do.

[B]

It was just. They wouldn't even fall around you. No, it would stay up.

[A]

No.

[B]

Wrap your feet up to create a.

[A]

Barrel and the wind would whip right through that.

[B]

Yeah, it was like a brawny paper towel.

[A]

But this is. And I like the feel of, of a nice comforter without a duvet. Because it's nice and cool. When you lift it up and it goes between your legs and you put it down, you get that nice and cool feeling. So to rub your piggies together as you're going night night.

[B]

So this is your excuse if I love a Non finished.

[A]

It's not an excuse. I genuinely like that. And plus all the hot chicks.

[B]

You try to sell that to her at 10 o' clock at night.

[A]

I tried to sell this to her when we moved into the house.

[B]

It wasn't just so, you know.

[A]

But the duvet cover that she has is really soft and that's real cozy.

[B]

So you got to get your arms in there. You got to tie it around the corner. I literally look at my wife every time and I go, how? Fuck. I want to kill. I want to kill myself. She's figuring it out and she starts laying. He laughs at me. And that. Kippy don't like that.

[A]

I do it good. She don't do it good. She always gets it screwed. Screwed up. What I get messed up is the fitted sheet because it's a California king, so it's kind of a square, so you can't really, you know, like on regular beds. When. If you do it the wrong. If you do the fitted sheet the wrong way, you know, right away because it just doesn't reach across. This one kind of does. So I fucked that up. You always tell by the tag, though.

[B]

There's gotta be something.

[A]

There's one tag on it says bread or something on it. I don't know what it says on it. I thought it was supposed to be at the bottom, but mine was on the side, so I put that on.

[B]

Wrong. Big weekend you had, huh?

[A]

It's big weekend, 10 o', clock, and.

[B]

You don't even have to. Fitted sheet, right? Fitted sheets, wrong at 10 o'.

[A]

Clock. Yeah. Duvet.

[B]

No, no go.

[A]

The fucking. The bathtub looks like C3PO. It's just fucking metal.

[B]

How much time's left on that dryer? It's been done for about eight hours, if I had to guess.

[A]

Well, here's the thing, all right? You put on.

[B]

It didn't. It's not like she walked in and went, bam. Perfectly warm blanket for my baby.

[A]

No, it was. I'm not an idiot. I know that if it was. If it was bone dry, I would have hit it again. I hit it a couple of times, but I had to, because again, these fucking duvet covers, they get mixed up with the sheets and it looks like a head in the duffel bag. I know.

[B]

It's like they're breaking out of jail with these things. They're making a rope.

[A]

Fucking crazy.

[B]

I had to do it this morning.

[A]

I don't understand what happens in the dryer, how it gets tied up like.

[B]

That in the middle's wet and then.

[A]

I got to pull it out and I got to fucking undo it. Like I'm a hobo in the back of a train to try to get the fucking pillowcases out of there. Put that back in, start drying that. But I got all the stuff back on, minus this one screw, which she still doesn't know about because I couldn't find it. I'm going to blame the super when he comes on Wednesday.

[B]

Is a fucking. Fucking setup job you're doing on this guy, this poor bastard.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Now you got Diesel involved in on that.

[A]

Diesel involved in it.

[B]

No blood on his hands.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Play patsy.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I wasn't even air.

[A]

Which I know a lot of that sounds pathetic to the real men out there, but, you know, I mean, dude, there's guys.

[B]

Listen.

[A]

Who like, fuck you.

[B]

They're like pipe fitters. They work eight hours. They come home, they got four kids. They put the kids to bed. You're losing a screw. And lying to your wife about these sheets. Canceling plans with your friend.

[A]

She was not impressed with the script either.

[B]

A little pedestrian she thought. A little redundant.

[A]

Yeah. But that's what I did. Oh, and then I told you a little bit of this outside. Excuse me. She gets back. Sorry. She gets back. Now, I don't understand this A lot you don't get. I'm kind of a. I'm kind of a big wig in the building.

[B]

I think Fabricio didn't even know you.

[A]

Who's Fabricio?

[B]

What's his name?

[A]

I didn't know him.

[B]

I wouldn't. He. I don't think he's claiming he's a.

[A]

Big wig, good looking kid. Cooler than me for sure. He definitely had a sheet. Stunned too.

[B]

Anyway, clean all the come off him dumping clips.

[A]

She though. This is how I worked my way around this.

[B]

I just picture this dude be a stud.

[A]

Do you assume he's having sex with my wife?

[B]

No, no, no. You are, but I'm not. I'm assuming he's just having sex with a lot of ladies.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Or one lady who's very attractive, I'm sure. That's what I'm saying. Or a lot of hot guys. Whatever it is, he sounds like he's fucking doing his job.

[A]

He seemed pretty good. He was kind of chewing something when he got in the elevator and he kind of made it cool. Yeah. Like a protein bar or something like that. Yeah, he really had me.

[B]

I kind of run a building. If you need anything, let me know. That's what he's saying. Meanwhile, you Think you're a big wig in the building.

[A]

Well, I greased the guy who.

[B]

All the chicks in a building. If you see any broads moving, let me know.

[A]

Wait, I'm saying this or he's saying.

[B]

He's saying that, not you?

[A]

Yeah, I'd kind of do the grossing out in the building.

[B]

Make sure your Uber eats drivers. Don't leave the food out front. I'm going to take it.

[A]

Oh, I didn't tell you this. I fucking. I told you outside, but I slashed my fucking toe open deep. I probably should have went to the emergency room, but I didn't. I just sucked it up.

[B]

Real man like you.

[A]

Real man like me.

[B]

It's just in. Was this in your contracting this?

[A]

When I was making the bed, so. When I was making the bed. So my box spring has those. Has those metal things and she's cut herself on it too, and I fucking dragged my foot across it and, you know, it's weird.

[B]

Got a box spring?

[A]

A box spring? I have a box spring.

[B]

Really?

[A]

I have a metal box spring or. No, it's wood now. It's the wooden slats. So wait, the box spring is the. Is the box spring is the mattress under the mattress? That's the box spring?

[B]

Yeah, A lot of those are phased out now.

[A]

I have one, huh? Yeah. And then I have a metal. I have a metal frame. Bed frame.

[B]

Like the one metal that's like jail shit.

[A]

What's yours?

[B]

Wood? Cloth? Yeah, like cloth. Wait, yours is cloth. Oh, I get the headrest and everything? Yeah. His is wood covered in cloth.

[A]

No, mine's old school.

[B]

Do you have. Is it on wheels? Yeah, that's what you got. It's like a dorm room. Yeah. It comes in two pieces and folds out and you make the square and hook. The hooks?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's what you're banging on.

[A]

That's what I got.

[B]

What do you spend, your money? That's crazy.

[A]

Helix sent it to me, I think. Or maybe my mom sent it to us. Somebody sent it to us? Yeah. What? That's what I. What do you got?

[B]

I got a wooden one.

[A]

A wooden one?

[B]

Uh huh.

[A]

What do you mean a wooden one?

[B]

Like a nice. I'll show you what.

[A]

I got a wooden one. And you have the comfy thing all the way around. Yeah, I had that my old apartment. Our rooms are small.

[B]

We have like this. You have a California King. Your room can't be that small. It is. Oh, man, you are a fucking dirt bag.

[A]

I can't fit on her side of.

[B]

The bed to get in.

[A]

I Don't go in that way.

[B]

Yeah, what I'm saying, to get in bed, you couldn't get in that bed.

[A]

I have to squeeze in between that and the air conditioning unit. And they have the cat tree at the front.

[B]

I gotta get eyes on this apartment. It sounds like it's like where Kramer's boys live or something.

[A]

It's like those stairs where you go up and you far away coming.

[B]

You can't tell if you're going up or down. Your whole apartment's an optical illusion.

[A]

I didn't know that was trashy.

[B]

I don't. I mean, a guy. I mean, listen, I'm not judging it. I've had it. But. Yeah, I just. I was shocked.

[A]

They just slipped my foot open.

[B]

Yeah, that thing will get you.

[A]

And it was one of those. It was one of those things where you can't tell if it just hurt or it's bad.

[B]

Oh, there's like a minute of. You don't know.

[A]

I was so. That was right when she had gotten in. So that happens. I sit down. I can't get up because I'm just gushing blood. And I'll just get blood all over the carpet and all that stuff. And then I'll do the sheets again, God forbid.

[B]

Cleaning carpets.

[A]

Like I'm. I'm bleeding. Like, I'm heavily bleeding and there's a huge chunk out of my toe.

[B]

Part of you think you're gonna bleed out. No one's there.

[A]

So I was praying for it.

[B]

Start drinking beers to thin your blood out.

[A]

I hop into a warm bath.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

No, what I'm worried about is that I gotta keep an eye on. I don't want to get infected. Big guys that happens to my toe gets infected, next thing you know, chopping off my foot. I want that shit walking around like Davy Jones Pirate. Anyway, I call her and I'm like, hey, how close are you? She's like, I just pulled in. I'm like, all right, listen.

[B]

Save yourself, huh?

[A]

I said, you got to come up. I'm. I'm bleeding and I'm looking for a.

[B]

Pair of crutches or a wheelchair, something to really sell this while the chores of. Why the chores aren't done? Babe, I don't want to ruin your trip.

[A]

I get those fake bullet holes all over the.

[B]

Make it look like there's a burglary. You start ripping the drawers out, fucking dumping them and shit. Babe, it was a home invasion. I don't want to. I don't want to ruin your trip.

[A]

No, it wasn't like That I couldn't get up. I didn't want to get blood everywhere. So she's like, somebody's parked in our parking spot again. That was my.

[B]

Listen. This has been an ongoing thing. People parking in your spot.

[A]

You are spot.

[B]

You think you're a big shot. You are the bitch of this place. Bitch in a build. You're the bottom bitch.

[A]

Well, this is what happened.

[B]

I'm just passed around like a loose joint.

[A]

She gets upstairs. She's tending to my foot. I was like, just wrap it up so I can. I can move. Because she's like, I can't park. So I'm like, just park right in front of him. Fuck him. Park right in front of him. And she's like, I have something else to tell you. And I'm like, what's up? She's like, no, it's nothing with us. But I think there's a dead cat downstairs, and she don't like that kitty cat in the parking garage. So she's like, it could have been sleeping, but it was in the middle of a parking spot, a knife in.

[B]

Its back.

[A]

Gun in its hand. I did this. And you know what sucks is I could have swore I heard a kitty cat meow from outside.

[B]

Cat.

[A]

I could have swore I heard a cat meow. A meow from outside on Saturday. And I wonder if it was that cat, like, on its last legs. It was maybe, like a year old. It was sad.

[B]

I don't know. Bad part of town like that. There's probably a lot of strays. Probably was on drugs or something. I mixed up with the wrong crowd.

[A]

Anyway, she's like, I hope it was sleeping.

[B]

Did that give you some distraction from the befuddled chores?

[A]

A little bit. I said, I'm gonna go take care of the car. You finished making the bed.

[B]

Why don't you put on a pot of pasta or something for us? I'm famished. I've been eating all day. Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

All right. That's.

[A]

You know, I had. I had dinner waiting for her there because I figured she might be hungry. Some beef and some cabbage that I cooked up.

[B]

Very nice. Beef and cabbage on the Oregon Trail. Beefing cabbage.

[A]

Like moot, like mushu. It had, like, a little Asian vibe to it. I had some soy sauce and some sesame. It was nice. Okay. Some sliced steak and cabbage.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I cooked down some onions. Delicious locale. Cook down what I did. Cook them down.

[B]

Cooked.

[A]

You tell me how to cook them down.

[B]

You could have just said, cook whatever down. Like, it's been this big Thing.

[A]

So anyway, I go downstairs. Cat ain't sleeping. He sprawled out. There's a sin. I don't know what to do. So then I get the car straightened out. I come back up, Some words were exchanged. She wasn't the happiest.

[B]

I don't necessarily.

[A]

She was happy. She's like, you did a lot. Thank you. Appreciate it. I just wish the bed would have been whatever. I mean, I apologize about that. I got the bathroom fixed up.

[B]

Except for the screw.

[A]

Except for that screw. But she don't know that it's inside the one screw.

[B]

Mm, okay.

[A]

That's good. I just took the screw from the inside, put it on the outside.

[B]

Sucker got a drywall screw in there.

[A]

It's a nail. Yeah. So then sworning nine o' clock, supers at the door about the car. She's like, sorry about that. The lady who normally parks, it was the car that was where the dead cat was.

[B]

She parked in your spot?

[A]

Yeah, she don't want to park there. He's like, I thought you guys were on vacation. It's always my fucking spot.

[B]

I know a bit. Building bitch. That's what you are, a fucking building bitch. I got one of you. I abuse the shit out of him. Little building bitch. Do you? Yeah. Fucking flex on him and shit. Read his mail.

[A]

Flex on me, pussy. What'd you say?

[B]

Read his mail before he does. That's. I've also. I also had a very productive weekend. We have finally. I was telling Luke we are finally 100% ready for the baby, for the babes we have. Just because you have so many. It's boxes.

[A]

You come on over and finish these sheets for.

[B]

I make my bed.

[A]

So much time on your hands.

[B]

Because there's just so many boxes of, you know, there's fucking diapers and this and that and the. The stroller and the bassinet and then the fucking this and the that. Like there's a hundred things and then it's all. You don't want to fucking. You can't really open it. So we've had a spot in our kitchen. Like a kitchenette or a breakfast day or whatever. There's like a little room. Yeah, it's a bit. It's a room. We're just been like. It's a bit.

[A]

Is it in the kitchen?

[B]

So it's like the kitchen where you cook.

[A]

And then I gotta get eyes on your place too.

[B]

And then there's like a big room. Probably a little smaller than like.

[A]

Have I been in this apartment?

[B]

I don't think so.

[A]

For Like, a second maybe.

[B]

I don't think so. That was the old one. Yeah, you can. We did it. And we used to do. We did an episode of Hard Feelings there. I remember you walked in and fucking started trashing it right away. Right away. I was so proud. First lease I got on myself, dude. I got on a lease myself in New York City. I felt like. I felt like the king of the city.

[A]

No, not the one that you used to Airbnb out. I feel like I was in this one.

[B]

I don't think so.

[A]

Maybe you weren't there.

[B]

Pregnant wife.

[A]

Sorry for banging the table.

[B]

I. It's just like, we finally got everything. Our bags are packed or this or that. We're. Everything's.

[A]

We're ready to go.

[B]

And it's just. I walked on and went, everything's. Oh, everything's back. And it's. I mean, there's a stroller in the living room that's just, like, part of ready to go.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But that's like. I even got that out of the way. It's, like, off in a corner. We move some stuff around. It's just like. And I went like, oh, this is good. It's, like, about to get blown the fuck up, and it's just gonna be chaos. But it was a nice to be like, oh, everything's away. Everything's taken out of the boxes. Everything's assembled. Everything's in its place where it will be living, moving forward.

[A]

Can I say this? Sure. And I just. I'm just taking this from Cassidy's experience. I don't have any experience with babies. You don't know it. I think in the beginning, it stays pretty calm. Sure. You know?

[B]

Yeah. I mean, there's not. It's not like he's, like, running away or anything.

[A]

No.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. But this. The sleeping and the feeding, it's a lot of. Yeah. But they're pretty much.

[A]

You guys are all ready to go.

[B]

For the most part. Yeah.

[A]

Have you been thinking about it?

[B]

It's, like, hitting me.

[A]

It's probably scary.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, it's not. Not scary. It's very. You go, you're about to do this thing that you can't. The closest thing I would argue is you can wrap your head around is a dog. But that's. I'm not comparing the two, but it's just.

[A]

No, I got you.

[B]

Oh, here's a new thing I have to take care of times a billion. Yes, of course. And I remember Hans, when I was a puppy, I went to fucking kill myself. We were like, Three days in, I'm like, this was a mistake, dude. Up all night, he's crying, shitting all over the place. So you know. Yeah, no, we're stoked though.

[A]

Why was he crying back then?

[B]

I forget he do it all. Puppies, you're not allowed. Like if you. You can't leave them alone, they just cry. If you. I mean you close your eyes, they start. It's brutal. Sucked. Remember that little rat bastard? Dude, we had him in the, in that kitchen area, like in the whatever. And he would fall asleep. I'd have to be petting him. And he would fall asleep and I would take my hand away super slow. I'd go like one. I'd like count to ten, pull it away and then stand there. And I'd stand in front of him for like two minutes to make sure he doesn't wake up. And I would crawl like I would. I'd walk like a mannequin out of the way and a turn and I fucking have to loop around, loop around. I would take me. I would go from me to Luke to like the couch and it would take me four or five minutes and I would be fucking. I'd be like this. And I get there and I'd lay down and I'd roll over and look over and he would just be staring at me. I'm like, fuck. And you just start crying again.

[A]

Where's your fat ass going?

[B]

I do have a. This is a new take in the city. All. I mean like now I'm like, you know, we're just hunkered down, we're waiting. So me and the broader, you know, some walks and this and that. A lot of time in a neighborhood.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

It's, you know, some being in a summer, people are out and about running around. I don't like. I so don't want to raise a jerk off teenager. Teenagers all age, all from every. I think city. Teenagers are bigger jerk offs than other.

[A]

Teenagers they can be.

[B]

Especially New York. New York's whole thing is like we're raised so like it's the crowd he runs with. I know, but just like there's. Okay, there's significantly more jerk off teenagers in New York than I would argue.

[A]

But let me ask you this. Just play devil's advocate. If I saw you and your cronies. I'm not saying you would have said. I would have said this is a jerk off teenager. But you really weren't.

[B]

I was trying to. Yeah.

[A]

I mean but if I. Ok, if I saw you out in front of the pizza Place with your skateboard buddies. You might be a dick, but if I came over to your house, you'd be a different kid.

[B]

I wasn't. No, no, no. I mean, like, I would have represented, like, oh, these kids are dickheads. Like, if you saw me and Pat or, you know, and whatever, but we weren't, right? Like, I wasn't gonna interact with you in a negative way. If I, like, cut in front of you on my skateboard, it would have been, yeah, suck my dick. I'd be like, my bad. Oh, sorry about that. Like, I was. We were polite, but I mean, this fucking group of kids I saw. I think I saw while we were in the park, and I was just like, man, these kids fucking suck. Just like, they were like, smoking. It's like a kids park. And like, you just see all the parents being like, you guys are 15 or whatever. Like, all young kids here, like, I don't care if you're smoking. Go some, like, go under the bridge or something. You know what I mean? Like, there's this, like, smoking dope. Nah, cigs or whatever.

[A]

I don't even know kids are smoking cigs.

[B]

They were if they were far away. I mean, New York kids ain't.

[A]

Oh, yeah, kids are smoking cigs.

[B]

I would say less than it was probably. If they're smoking, I don't know. They were on the other side of the park, but you just saw, like, parents, like, grabbing their kids and like, pulling them away, and you're just like. I'm like, dude, I've been a dickhead, but it's like, just go. There's like, woods and stuff. You got a fucking riverside pie. Just freaking. It's New York City.

[A]

Yeah, sure.

[B]

Go hide in an alleyway up there going. It's a roof. Like, you can get. You can get on anybody's roof that you're hanging out at. Like, shows apart. You just go up on the roof and do whatever you want. I'm not even saying don't be a dickhead, just. And then don't beat me up, sir, please.

[A]

Getting beat up by a kid would.

[B]

I was like, really mad at these kids.

[A]

There's a couple 50.

[B]

I mean, I mean, like, I would. There was like three of them where I was like, that's the one I would have to hit first.

[A]

You instantly go to jail.

[B]

He's big. He was bigger than me. He bigger than me. I don't think big Irish head on. Just like, this looked like a guy did what you would see on, like, first 48 or whatever. Like forensic Files and they cut to like Jimmy o' Connor and he's like, you know, the big like under bite in the overhang.

[A]

Probably getting hit at the house.

[B]

Probably. Listen, I get it.

[A]

I remember that.

[B]

I get.

[A]

Listen, I gotta talk to these kids. It's more outreach. It's more of like level with them on their. On their level. Use terms like cap and no cap and what's the haps and a vibe and stuff like that. They'll respect you for that.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Ask them about Charlie. Xch. Xcx.

[B]

It's pronounced S E X Selena Carpenter.

[A]

And the other one, Billy Relish.

[B]

You done with your dad jokes?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Johnny Hot Dogs.

[A]

I don't know him. Boone Benson. Kid that does the flips.

[B]

Benson, Boone.

[A]

Right?

[B]

There you go. You'll fit right in with the kids. Can I Riz? You kids up for a second here?

[A]

You guys see that Minecraft movie?

[B]

I know Jack Black.

[A]

I don't know Jack Black.

[B]

I know you're lying to impress.

[A]

Oh, yeah. They wouldn't know that.

[B]

Sure. They probably also wouldn't know Jack Black by name.

[A]

You guys think Momoa's a dick too? You got 12 million for that movie? Jack Black got three. I can't stand Momoa, okay? Goofy ass motherfucker wearing those fucking Mad Hatter hats out of here.

[B]

Yeah. Be like you do zero chores. Piss your wife off.

[A]

I really can't say about anybody, can I? No, I don't got it. I gotta get my own house in order before I start talking shit.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know if you'll ever have your house in order. These are thoughts that I've been thinking more recently, really, as you unravel, I think is the term.

[A]

I'm not unraveling, man. I'm good.

[B]

I don't think you're. I don't think you're winded up.

[A]

I'm good. I'm good. I told you this. We had a low point. I'm coming out of it.

[B]

Sure. I think it's great.

[A]

Now back to you getting beat up by these kids.

[B]

No, but like, they were like. They started like fighting. Like, you know, and dude, you're in.

[A]

The tight New York started fighting. Fighting?

[B]

Nah. Like a rough house. Grab ass, you know, whatever. But they're fucking grown men. Two of them are bigger than me. Like. Like I said, like two big fucking. You know, they look like they belong on a farm in Nebraska.

[A]

Like couple Irish meatheads.

[B]

Yeah, just some fucking yak. Like big fucking animals and they're fucking. You know, and it's like, it's also. It's like. Because they're New Yorkers, it's like the un. There's, like, an Asian kid with a. With the. Like, on the back of the big Irish guy, there's a Dominican kid. It's all. They're all. You know, it's cool to see because, like, we didn't. I didn't grow up with that. It's just like. They're all just, like, on each other. It's great. But, man, they fucking. They're in, like, a ball now, and it's like we're going downhill. Like, this sidewalk goes downhill. I'm waiting there. Nadine's going in. First of all, I'm trying to eat healthy, right? I'm trying. I'm trying. Trying shooting up. I'm trying.

[A]

She's got to do it to get.

[B]

She goes. She goes. Because we were stopped out front of a pizza place. She goes, can you run in and get me pizza? So if we stop and get a coffee, I'm like, I'm gonna get a call.

[A]

I've never heard of her eating pizza.

[B]

Oh, she loved a pizza. She does, yeah.

[A]

Really?

[B]

I know it does. It doesn't make sense. But she grew up in Germany. It's all proper Italians. She grew it. She lived to be. Her last apartment was, for seven years, was a.

[A]

What's she like, a slice of cheese, Plain.

[B]

Well, they don't do the cheese over there.

[A]

Excuse me.

[B]

They don't do slices. They get. To me, it's all Neapolitan. Can't order a slice of pizza in Europe. Really. It's mostly. You get, like, the individual pies.

[A]

There's no cheese on it, though.

[B]

They would call it Neapolitan. They wouldn't call it a cheese. You don't get, like a. You don't order a slice of cheese. I thought this was American. No, but she'll do it. She'll do a sleep. She don't like the. Like, he ain't doing like, a Buffalo chick or drinks a vodka slice. I got her on the vodka. Classy lady, but, yeah, just typically a plane. And you get me a plain slice. So she. So I go. I order coffee. She goes, I want to stop at. I want to stop at the pizza.

[A]

All right, but you got to fight these kids.

[B]

So I go. I stop at the pizza place, and I'm. I'm feening. I'm like. I'm having a little bit of the Saw. I'm hanging. So I'm like, once you get it in you, it's your.

[A]

You can't smell that.

[B]

Chasing a dragon.

[A]

A pizza place when you're hungry.

[B]

So I go, I'll grab. I'll grab a small coffee, take the edge off, skip lunch.

[A]

You down? It's burning hot.

[B]

It burned my mouth.

[A]

You know, they say that's really bad for you.

[B]

What?

[A]

To drink hot liquids even when you don't realize it. Yeah, it gives you micro plastics.

[B]

Wieners, penises.

[A]

It gives you micro lesions in your esophage. That's the only thing.

[B]

It's scary.

[A]

That doesn't really scary about that shit.

[B]

And that one's. You got other stuff to worry about. The sheets.

[A]

I know, I know.

[B]

My God. They. Whatever. So she goes, can. So I'm sitting there and I'm. As I'm ordering the coffee, I'm like, don't get a slice, dude. Don't do it. You've been doing so good.

[A]

You're down a coffee at the pizza place.

[B]

No, I'm at a pizza place a few doors. That or a coffee place, a few tours. Now give me a chicken pork. So I'm going. I'm literally standing in line at the pizza place and I'm like, all right, sorry. It's all up at the coffee shop. I'm going, don't get pizza, dude. Don't do it. Fucking stay in the lane. You're doing great. Come on. This is. Don't do it. And I'm going. It's the weekend you can have. I'm. I'm devil and angel on my shoulder. And I decide not to after I'm talking, which seems like. What Seems like the seven day war in my head or whatever.

[A]

You mean the one with Egypt?

[B]

I don't know. It was a long time and they didn't like each other.

[A]

It's the six day war.

[B]

Oh, I'm sorry. Well, it felt like seven up here. It was like you trying to read. So I get out and she goes, can you run in and get me the pizza? I said, I can't. I can't go in there. I said, I'm like, I can't go into the fucking crack house and get you a vial of crack and come out and not. Not take a little fucking. Little Tootsky myself. I said, you're gonna have to.

[A]

He was out.

[B]

Can't be. What are you doing back there? Throwing the dough in the air. So I said, you go in. So I'm waiting outside the pizza place, and then these guys, the fucking, you know, the. The uptown boys come fucking rumbling and tumbling down the Hill jumping on and like they're picking up momentum and this woman with a fucking newborn babies coming out of the fucking thing. This mom cut into fucking mama bear and stinks. And like they were gonna fucking. They were gonna tip over the fucking stroller like proper, dude. She fucking threw herself into the. Into the melee and she fell. And like they hop up and I'm like, God, like, I'm trying to like.

[A]

Did they say sorry?

[B]

One did. Ah, sorry about them. And I'm like, that's the. That's a good kid. The others like, oh, you stupid. It's his fault. It's his fault, like. And I'm like, you almost just fucking tossed a baby onto the New York City sidewalk like an infant.

[A]

You said you yelled something.

[B]

No, because then I'm the guy, you know, getting beat up. I don't even get my slate. I got the go. I thought about hitting the one with a coffee. That was gonna be my. I lose if they. If that was gonna turn on me. Yeah, I'm not fighting these kids fair.

[A]

I don't.

[B]

Nuts. No way.

[A]

It's a nice coffee.

[B]

There's a little hot.

[A]

I think in most situations an authority figure. If you didn't go at them as a tough guy.

[B]

I don't see myself as an authority figure.

[A]

That's if you said, guys, what are you doing, man? She's got a baby. Knock it off. They're not gonna try to fight you.

[B]

I know, but this was already done at the time. Like, it already happened.

[A]

Bitching about, go get a slice and shut the fuck up.

[B]

It was just this like, you're like, fu. And the one kid will apologe. But then I just like, ah, you're.

[A]

Fucking puffy in the face.

[B]

I mean, if I was gonna fight three guys, three kids, three children.

[A]

I think he would be in trouble. If you scalded one of them in the eye.

[B]

If they squared up with me.

[A]

I still think you're going to jail for fighting minors.

[B]

I'm okay with that. I'm just not getting my ass kicked by three minors. I'll serve my nickel. What are you nuts? I ain't getting this. One kid would have me. He looked like every one of my cousins. No way, man.

[A]

Remind me not to mess with you.

[B]

I don't think that's every like self defense thing ever. That douse them. One of them was gonna up. Probably the one who said sorry. Yeah, the one who said sorry wasn't gonna fucking. Wasn't gonna squabble with me.

[A]

You hit him. I said, I'm sorry, sir. Fucking blind.

[B]

I'm just saying if anybody. If I'm squaring up, if there's two guys, I got the dog too.

[A]

He starts fighting me. Hold on. So now you're scalding one of these kids and you're sicking a dog on them?

[B]

He wouldn't listen. But if. I mean, if I start squaring up.

[A]

The kid or the dog?

[B]

The dog. The kids don't listen. That's proven. These kids. These are bad seats.

[A]

Trying to throw coffee in his eyes.

[B]

Yeah, I'd fucking. Yeah, you got it by yourself a minute, 10 seconds. Also, these kids are. These kids are like full blown roughhousing. They're already charged up. You know what I mean? They're looking. There's blood in the water.

[A]

That's your first coffee today.

[B]

That was actually my third running pretty. We gotta wrap it up, gang.

[A]

Love you. See you tomorrow.

[B]

Peace.