Holding Comedy Grudges | Patreon Episode (FULL) - Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast

Transcript

A (0:00)

What's going on there, fuckers? And welcome back to another exciting edition of Them Hard Motherfucking Feelings. I'm your host, the Bug Man.

B (0:11)

You just hear crawling.

A (0:14)

I like the Bug Man.

B (0:16)

Bugman's good.

A (0:16)

It suits me a little bit.

B (0:18)

I keep forgetting.

A (0:18)

Started out as the Big man, then it came to the Bug Man.

B (0:22)

I want to introduce it more to the public episodes. But I keep forgetting in interior. You're the bug man. Where's the bug Man?

A (0:27)

I'm the bug man. Chuku Cuckoo. My co host doesn't have a nickname. Real lame.

B (0:35)

Okay.

A (0:37)

They call him the Exterminator.

B (0:39)

And I'll kill myself.

A (0:42)

Kevin Ryan, everybody.

B (0:43)

What's up, gang? Shout out to the Kevin James Ryan 3. First Name Shout out to the triple loser. Okay, my bad. I should go by H. That's cool.

A (0:53)

It is cool.

B (0:54)

What's up? I'm hiding.

A (0:56)

I would tell you Maria Heineck stands for hemorrhoid.

B (0:59)

What?

A (0:59)

Maria Heineck made fun of me at an open mic.

B (1:02)

No, but I wish I was there for it because his story stinks. I guess you had to be there.

A (1:08)

I was fresh on the scene from Philly. I was at an open mic. Half Moon Bay coffee shop somewhere in Brooklyn.

B (1:15)

I think I remember that. Was that like a all. Was that like a music mic too?

Summary

Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast

Episode: Holding Comedy Grudges | Patreon Episode (FULL)

Hosts: H. Foley & Kevin Ryan

Date: October 10, 2025

Episode Overview

This exclusive Patreon episode of "Are You Garbage?" is a classic dive into the trashy underbelly of comedy, friendship, and the everyday foibles of its hosts, H. Foley ("the Bug Man") and Kevin Ryan. The main theme revolves around old comedy grudges, memories of grinding through New York City's open mic scene, hilarious personal mishaps, and a brutally honest (and very funny) look at adult procrastination. It’s a rambling, infectiously silly episode packed with stories of rage, filth, self-improvement, and the timeless struggle to be less "garbage."

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Comedy Grudges & Scenes from the Open Mic Trenches

"The Bug Man" Origins & Stand-Up Slights:
- Foley recounts how Maria Heineck once roasted his "H. Foley" stage name at a Brooklyn coffee shop open mic, likening the initial trend to Louis CK. Foley responded with a fake backstory, ending with, "If some broad starts running her mouth at an open mic, tell her to mind her own fucking business. Murdered. Whole place went nuts." (03:34)
- Foley’s resentment highlights how these perceived slights can stick:
  
  “From that day on, I was accepted into their ranks. And the rest, as they say, was history.” (04:11)
Bucket Rigging & The List:
- Kevin recalls realizing open mic "bucket" draws are rigged for friends, sparking lifelong grudges:
  
  "What those comics didn’t realize at the time is that they had two deranged psychopaths. The list started back then." (09:10)
- They joke about holding onto these slights for years, never really forgiving.
Scary Jerry, Asian Phil & the Rogues’ Gallery:
- Introduction of recurring fringe-characters from their beginnings (Scary Jerry, Asian Phil), hinting at potential guest appearances.
  
  “Scary Jerry is a character of one of the most... truly someone that could be studied by aliens.” (11:12)

2. Adult Life, Household Mishaps & Delayed Chores

Flaking on Friends & the Anatomy of a Shameful Weekend:
- Foley admits to bailing on plans with Kevin and a friend, triggering a roast about lame excuses ("had to watch the cat," "laundry," "needed a grill"):
  
  “Who’s watching the cat right now? No one. No one’s home!” (18:23)
  “Your excuses are not. You have to watch the cat. Who’s watching the cat right now? No one. No one’s home.” (18:40)
- Kevin: “I’m going to sound like a dick. You listed five hours of stuff out of a hundred hours.” (20:02)
Household Fails – Plumbing and Laundry Chaos:
- Foley tries (and fails) to fix his clogged bathtub drain, escalating into a multi-hour ordeal, ending with his partner returning home to unmade beds and a hacked-together bathroom:
  
  “I had the sheet on it. I had the fitted sheet on it.” (36:58) “I literally look at my wife every time and I go, fuck. I want to kill myself. She’s figuring it out and she starts laying. He laughs at me. And that. Kippy don’t like that.” (38:41)
- Tales of bedding disasters, duvet covers, and almost losing toes to cheap bed frames, all serve as metaphors for Foley’s chaotic approach to adulthood.
Deflecting Responsibility:
- Foley attempts to blame the super for missing screws in the drain cover, a detail Kevin gleefully skewers:
  
  “I just took the screw from the inside, put it on the outside.” (50:31)

3. Neighborhood & Building Dynamics

Being the 'Building Bitch':
- Foley considers himself a bigwig in his apartment, but Kevin points out, “You are the bitch of this place. Building bitch. That’s what you are.” (47:27, 51:04)
- Discussion of new neighbors, parking spot drama, and a macabre discovery of a dead cat underlines the mundane, sometimes grim realities of city living.

4. Reflections on Readiness & Fatherhood

Kevin's Domestic Accomplishments:
- Kevin shares the sense of relief (and anticipation) as he finishes prepping his home for his incoming baby:
  
  “I walked on and went, everything’s... oh, everything’s back. It’s about to get blown the fuck up, and it’s just gonna be chaos.” (53:09)
- Thoughts on how early parenthood might actually allow a momentary calm before the storm.
Teenagers, Parenting Fears & New York City Street Life:
- Kevin riffs on how he dreads raising a "jerk off" New York teenager, observing the rough-and-tumble behavior of kids in his neighborhood park:
  
  “I so don’t want to raise a jerk off teenager. Teenagers – all age, all from every… I think city teenagers are bigger jerk offs than other.” (55:52)
- The hosts debate city versus suburban childhoods, rowdiness, and the etiquette of scolding strangers’ kids.
- High comedy as Kevin imagines having to fight a group of teens and strategizes using hot coffee as a weapon:
  
  “I thought about hitting the one with a coffee. That was gonna be my– I lose if they, if that was gonna turn on me.” (66:22)

5. Self-Reflection: Trashiness, Guilt, and Progress

Foley, amid all the jokes, opens up about his recent "low point" and his efforts to self-improve:

“I'm coming out of it. I think it's great.” (60:48)
The entire episode serves as a ribbing-filled group therapy session—a comedic exploration of procrastination, friendships, adulthood, and the never-ending effort to stop being "garbage."

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Comedy Grudges:
- “What those comics didn’t realize at the time is that they had two deranged psychopaths. The list started back then.” – Kevin Ryan (09:10)
On Domestic Failures:
- “I had a nice, relaxing weekend at my home. I went out, I did some stuff. I went to Home Depot. All right.” – Foley (22:35)
- “I'm going to sound like a dick. You listed five hours of stuff out of a hundred hours.” – Kevin (20:02)
On Bedding Disasters:
- “Whoever fucking invented the duvet cover should be taken out and have their fucking head [blown off].” – Foley (37:15)
On Being the Building ‘Bitch’:
- “You are the bitch of this place. Building bitch. That’s what you are, a fucking building bitch.” – Kevin (47:27)
On Self-improvement & Acceptance:
- “You paint me at this picture like I'm some loser, which I'm not… just trying to fucking do me. A little solitude, Think, get my head straight. Working on me.” – Foley (29:53)
On Parenting Anxieties:
- “I so don’t want to raise a jerk off teenager… City teenagers are bigger jerk offs than other.” – Kevin (55:52)
On Teenage Confrontation:
- “I thought about hitting the one with a coffee. That was gonna be my– I lose if they, if that was gonna turn on me.” – Kevin (66:22)

Timestamps for Key Segments

[00:00–05:00] – Nicknames, Stand-up Slander, and Open Mic Beginnings
[05:40–11:30] – Open Mic Grudges, Bucket Rigging, and "The List"
[11:30–13:00] – Introducing ‘Scary Jerry’ and Fringe Characters
[14:42–18:20] – Foley’s Flaked Plans, Kevin’s Friendly Roast
[19:07–25:00] – Procrastination, Home Repairs, and Snacking at Home Depot
[27:54–37:00] – Plunging the Drain, Sheets Disaster, Domestic Chaos
[41:10–47:11] – Building Politics, Dead Cats, and Foley’s Many Excuses
[52:13–54:43] – Kevin Prepares for Baby, Domestic Calm Before the Storm
[55:39–66:22] – Fears about Raising Kids, Rough-and-Tumble NYC Youth, Fighting Teens
[66:22–68:22] – "Scalding Kids With Coffee", Accepting Your Inner Trash, Wrap-Up

Tone & Language

The episode is informal, crass, fast-paced, and constantly self-deprecating. Foley and Ryan talk over each other, bust balls mercilessly, and create a sense of rambling, hilarious chaos that is affectionate and sharp. The self-awareness and willingness to lean into their own insecurities is core to the show’s charm.

Summary Takeaway

If you haven’t listened, this episode captures everything fans love: confessions of laziness, cathartic rants, the bitter memory of comedy politics, and a warm, riotous look at adult failings. The "garbage" never really leaves them—but at least they’re laughing about it together.