How to Feel Rich! w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Summary

Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast

Episode: How to Feel Rich! w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Release Date: February 2, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this lively episode, comedians and self-proclaimed “garbage” men H. Foley and Kevin Ryan reflect on all the little things that make them (and their listeners) feel “classy” or “rich” in day-to-day life. Through playful banter, personal stories, and reading listener submissions, the duo explores the aspirational trappings of middle-class luxury—like soft-close drawers, king-sized comforters, and even just having enough batteries in the drawer. The episode delivers their signature blend of self-deprecating humor, nostalgia, and hilarious, affectionate jabs at each other’s upbringings.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Growing Up Fancy (or Not)

• Childhood Markers of Class:
  • Foley describes a painting (“that painting was in my childhood home...I thought that was my mother and grandmother...I always wondered what happened on the other side of that painting” – Foley, 06:11) that made him feel fancy as a kid, even though it was just a print in a plastic frame.
  • Kevin highlights kitchen islands and intercom systems from his 80s/90s Philadelphia suburb upbringing as feeling fancy: “We were in this nice house...my mom always said we were house-poor...She kept us in that house because of the school district.” (Ryan, 11:17)
• The Myth of Luxury:
  • Many of the items or home features that felt "rich" as kids (e.g., intercom/tape deck) were dysfunctional or a facade: “We had an intercom system on the walls...it never worked.” (Ryan, 13:09)
• Listener Contributions:
  • Listeners wrote in with their own ideas of "classy" items, such as china cabinets, trash compactors, hidden trash cans, and more.

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2. Modern “Upgrades” and Their Perceived Classiness

• Everyday Upgrades:
  • HomeGoods, Marshalls, and other discount stores as a means to buy “little things” that feel lavish (bath mats, cutting boards, designer bath stones).
  • “It takes a lot of dirtbags to realize you can...round these corners...These little things...make you feel nice.” (Ryan, 22:49)
• Listener Submissions (Patreon):
  • Dimmer Switches in the Bathroom: “Dimmer switches in the bathroom...Just go, give me a little bit...soften it.” (Listener Hugh Jazz, 23:50)
  • Individual Salt & Pepper Shakers: “Small individual salt and pepper shakers for each person...Makes you just feel a little...” (Listener Zach, 27:09)
  • King-Size Comforter on a Queen Bed: “You're not fighting over it...Wrap yourself up in it...like lifting up the comforter and getting that corner between my legs...” (Ryan, 28:29)
  • Soft-Close Drawers: “Soft closed door drawers and cabinets...Remember seeing them...that’s great...That probably saved a lot of fights, you know what I mean?” (Foley, 36:17)

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3. Faux Pas, Fails, and Aspirational Gaffes

• Half-Finished or Dysfunctional Luxuries:
  • “I got something kind of cool and then I'm missing something. It's either broken or I'm missing something to make it functional.” (Ryan, 32:02)
  • “The hose that comes out to fill up the pot of water...I have that, but it puts out brown water. Again, I got something, and as a plumber...I don't know how that happens. It's the same water.” (Ryan, 34:28)
• Creative Kitchens:
  • Painting old cabinets, adding crown molding to basic cabinets, and cash under-the-table jobs for quick facelifts.

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4. Details That Make You Feel Rich

• Paper Products and Small Luxuries:
  • Mini cups for mouthwash/brushing teeth: “For probably five bucks a month it’ll make you feel a little more elevated.” (Foley, 61:05)
  • Cloth-like napkins in the guest/powder room: “Like nice restaurants will have...real nice.” (Foley, 61:41)
  • Stockpiling supplies (batteries, light bulbs, paper towels): “Being all stocked up on something you don’t need that much of...feels all right.” (Listener Dunkin Donuts, 63:33)
• Kitchen Upgrades:
  • Fridges with bottom freezers (“That feels like new money shit.” – Ryan, 52:03)
  • Hidden or “panel-ready” fridges that match the cabinets—considered the height of middle-class aspiration.
• Everyday Treats:
  • Ferrero Rocher or Lindt chocolate bars, Pellegrino or Mountain Valley spring water (“Me and rich guys, we share the same chocolate bars, you know what I mean?” – Ryan, 50:12)
• Bath and Bed:
  • New bath towels for every shower (“Imagine every day you got a crisp, new, clean banger...that I like a lot. That's like a hotel.” – Listener I Lost The Game, 69:36)
  • Reusing a towel once as a bathmat, then tossing it.

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5. Suburban/Parental Home Nostalgia

• Broken or Quirky Home Features:
  • Tape on a cabinet that won’t close, sliding closet doors off the tracks, doors that don’t fit squarely: “She’s got like duct tape...crumbs and hair on the tape...looks like a crime scene.” (Ryan, 41:47)
• Security and Dad Stuff:
  • Dads with flashlights by the bed, shotguns, the “Bose sound system and a 12 gauge” (Foley, 64:37)
  • “My stepdad had a Bose sound system and a 12 gauge that's ready to roll. A pack of Winstons ready to rock out.” (Foley, 64:37)
• Childhood Bath and Bedroom Battles:
  • Sibling fights over closet doors and access to the bathroom, making the best of dysfunctional fixtures.

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6. Running Jokes & Notable Banter

• Jokes about each other's families, drug dealers, and criminality:
  • “I know you used to move a little weight, you know, trying to relate.” (Foley, 21:14)
  • “You got that thing that comes down when you step on the steps. That always scared me.” (Foley, 15:22)
• Kevin’s “dream” of getting soft-close kitchen drawers and the ongoing motif of small upgrades changing your life: “That has to be a comedian's bit—being mad, trying to fucking slam the drawers and you can't. That probably saved a lot of fights.” (Foley, 36:46)
• Foley’s aspiration to get taken care of by Ryan in a zombie apocalypse or post-nuclear scenario: “Is there a situation where you might need to move into my basement? Probably yes.” (Foley, 45:29)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• On Childhood Class:
  • “[That painting] made it...to Wilkes Barre...Even made it for a few years at the house...And as a child I thought that was my mother and grandmother who grew up in a studio apartment…” (Foley, 06:11)
• On Kitchen Islands & School Districts:
  • “We were in this nice house and she kept us in that house because of the school district...not much nice stuff in there.” (Ryan, 11:17)
• On Dysfunctional Upgrades:
  • “We had an intercom system on the walls…it never worked…” (Ryan, 13:09)
• On Feeling Fancy with Small Luxuries:
  • “It takes a lot of dirt bags to realize you can, you know, round these corners, touch these things. Little things...make you feel nice.” (Ryan, 22:49)
• Listener Submissions (Patreon):
  • “Dimmer switches in the bathroom...in the middle of the night, you just go, give me a little bit…soften it.” (Listener Hugh Jazz, 23:50)
  • “Small individual salt and pepper shakers for each person at the table.” (Listener Zach, 27:09)
  • “King size comforter on a queen size bed...you're not fighting over. You don't get lost in it.” (Listener Nick, 28:29)
  • “Soft closed door drawers and cabinets...That probably saved a lot of fights...” (Foley, 36:46)
  • “Being all stocked up on something that you don’t need that much of...feels all right.” (Listener Dunkin Donuts, 63:33)
• On Home Security:
  • “My stepdad had a Bose sound system and a 12 gauge that's ready to roll. A pack of Winstons ready to rock out.” (Foley, 64:37)
• On Aspirational Home Features:
  • “Fridge with the freezer at the bottom...that feels like new money shit...” (Ryan, 52:03)
  • “The epitome of class...is the wood covered...fridges to match the cabinets...” (Ryan, 53:04)
• On Self-Improvement:
  • “Me and rich guys, we share the same chocolate bars, you know what I mean?” (Ryan, 50:12)
• On Bath Towel Luxury:
  • “Imagine every day you got a crisp, new clean banger...that's like a hotel...how much better is your day?” (Listener I Lost the Game, 69:36)

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Structured Timeline with Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment / Topic | |:-------------:|:-------------------| | 00:32 – 04:24 | Opening banter, road dates, roses after a “classy” night, “how are you with flowers?” | | 04:24 – 11:08 | Childhood “classy” items – the painting, china cabinets, kitchen islands, feeling “house-poor” | | 13:09 – 14:39 | Intercom systems, parties in high school, the fantasy of “classy” home features | | 20:04 – 21:22 | Trash cans, trash compactors, drug dealer “booby traps,” feeling rich by household upgrades | | 22:29 – 23:04 | The bath mat stone, feeling fancy with little upgrades | | 23:42 – 31:12| Patreon “classy things” lightning round (dimmer switches, salt & pepper, comforters, soft-close drawers, towel warmers) | | 41:47 – 44:22 | Nostalgic home quirks (taped cabinet, doors, closet tracks), kitchen cabinet painting | | 45:05 – 48:56 | Man caves, sharing the home in a “nuclear holocaust scenario” | | 49:28 – 51:20 | Chocolate treats, bottled water, candy out at the house | | 52:02 – 54:02 | Bottom-freezer fridges, “hidden” fridges that match cabinets, kitchen renos | | 61:05 – 62:43 | Tiny cups for brushing teeth, cloth-like paper towels in powder rooms | | 63:33 – 64:11 | Surplus household items as a mark of “success” or readiness | | 64:33 – 66:06 | Flashlight by the bed, home defense, stepdad stockpiling Winstons and a shotgun | | 69:36 – 70:09 | One-use towels, luxury of “never having a damp towel” |

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Tone and Feel

The tone remains irreverent, warm, and self-deprecating throughout, with lots of affectionate ribbing and nostalgia. The hosts lovingly lampoon the aspirations and self-deceptions of their childhoods, blending lived experience with listener input and quick wit. No item is too small to be considered “classy”—as long as it makes you feel like you’ve “made it,” even if just for a moment.

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Transcript

[A]

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are you Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Ru Garbage. It's that little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that if they're going to be classy or if they're just a big piece of trash.

[B]

Garbage.

[A]

I'm your host, Tay Trully. Coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Toddy's in a new edition. Woke up this morning, delivered to the house a dozen long stem red roses.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

Addressed to my little sweetie pie.

[B]

And Toddy. Wow. Yeah, okay.

[A]

She was shaking somebody's bedpost last night. Hey.

[B]

That somebody with a couple of bucks bringing the goods.

[A]

Yeah. Very classy move.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

To send roses after a night of fornication.

[B]

Probably. They were probably at a motel to pay by the hour. The shout out to the Lincoln Motel down here on a boulevard.

[A]

The door opens out to the parking lot.

[B]

Uh huh.

[A]

Very nice though.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

How are you with flowers?

[B]

Why don't you introduce me, Maybe we'll get into it.

[A]

Kevin Orion.

[B]

You didn't like that, did you?

[A]

I did not.

[B]

What up gang? Shout out to you as always. Make sure to review for rate.

[A]

Review.

[B]

Subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify, baby. And then obviously patreon.com sorry garbage. Go over there, you get all that bonus content. Not to mention the boys are going back out on the road.

[A]

Boys are on the road. Couple of big ones we got Tampa. Make sure you get those tickets. We're gonna be down at side splitters for the weekend. Get tickets. Come see that in Austin, Texas. Down there at the creek and the cave.

[B]

Not to mention Los Angeles. On sale for part of the Netflix is a joke festival. Get those tickets as that's gonna friggin go la. Taking the bug man back to la. Gonna have to put. We're gonna have to have a couple of bodyguards.

[A]

Somebody out at the hotel like in LA Confidential. They'll be working me over. Told you not to come back.

[B]

No, this is gonna be that thing where it's like you're. You're about to testify. We gotta keep you alive, you know what I mean? We gotta lock you in a hotel room.

[A]

These eggs taste weird.

[B]

And then Denver's on sale. LA is on sale. All. All tickets [e-mail] check it out if you haven't been to a live show. Have a fun freaking time. Chicago too.

[A]

Chicago.

[B]

Coming to the Vic Theater now.

[A]

That's where I need to be out there in Chicago once the weather clears.

[B]

Up a little bit.

[A]

Wind whipping off Lake Michigan.

[B]

Staying on. Thank you. Staying on a nice side of town, are we? I don't know. I'm not going. I'm not going downtown to Chirac. Tell you that much. Wherever they got King Von and I.

[A]

Got people over there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Keep you safe.

[B]

Who? Dicker?

[A]

No, not Dicker.

[B]

No, no, I'll keep you safe.

[A]

Don't wear blue, okay.

[B]

Or red. Oh, yeah, you're. You're fucking.

[A]

Don't do that.

[B]

That's blood.

[A]

Expose me.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I meant for Valentine's Day, but can.

[B]

I get back to my. Drove this one into the ground. You did, didn't you?

[A]

I'm gonna pull it out. Don't worry.

[B]

Oh, I'm in a gang. I got you. I'll take care of you.

[A]

I can't take care of you.

[B]

Yeah, no, we can't take care of your fucking self. You can't go back to Los Angeles.

[A]

That's not because of. That's because of my own personal reasons. I don't do well out in la. Son about the sun out there, fresh air, avocados. Get me.

[B]

It's not really the avocados, the mango trees.

[A]

Things that are sometimes inserted in avocados when they come to the border.

[B]

Yeah, we got you. We got you.

[A]

Anyway, my personal.

[B]

A guy taking bits five seconds too long. Let's go check the fuck in my personal plights.

[A]

Not really on the. On the dock.

[B]

It's nobody. You brought it up.

[A]

Fair enough. You do flowers? Classy guy like that. You do flowers?

[B]

I try.

[A]

Figure after that disappointing sex you got to.

[B]

Man, you really got your. Really got the fangs out today, gang. Not really. My wife isn't a huge flower gal. You know, she don't like roses. I'll. Yeah, I'll do a couple times a year.

[A]

Mm. You'll throw them out there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

A classy move for a gentleman. Which today we're talking about classy things.

[C]

Sure.

[A]

Which, as I told you, things that you had in the house when you're growing up that made you feel like you were classy.

[B]

Like you told me.

[A]

Yeah, like I told you.

[B]

Like I didn't. I had to tell you three and a half minutes ago what we were doing. Sure.

[A]

Wake up in the middle of a production meeting, you gotta act like you've been there.

[B]

Yell at somebody. Take the room Back dog. You know what I mean?

[A]

So we were talking about hot dogs.

[B]

Fire somebody and walk out. Shark, you're fired.

[A]

I'll be in my office, Shark. Let me see in my office. Sorry about that, man. Shout out to Mark the Shark. New editor on the team here. Cornell grad. Sure. Smart guys working for us over here.

[B]

I know. Name's not Mark.

[A]

His parents are probably very disappointed.

[B]

Sure. It was also pretty funny the first. We brought Mark the Shark to the Philly show to help out production hand. And the elevator opened up and he was carrying my babies back and play. And I said welco to show business. Welcome to Hollywood, Shark. Cornell boy carrying a. Carrying a pack and play with spit up all.

[A]

I had to bring my. My own pack and play upstairs like an.

[B]

Stuff the big pack and play.

[A]

Look behind you. No, the other way. God, you stink. What's on the wall back there? What's on the wall back there?

[B]

A painting?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's not behind me. That's on my right.

[A]

Look at you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Are you Bill Cody? Buffalo Bill isn't who the guy who got with his back to the door. Wile E. Coyote? No, Wild Bill Hookock. He got caught.

[B]

You talking to me? I thought we were doing a comedy podcast.

[A]

Talking to the guy behind you.

[B]

No, wrong. Behind you.

[A]

As I said before on this podcast, that painting was in my home. Was in my childhood home in Mountaintop. Then it was brought to Wilkes Barre with us. And then it even made it for a few years. At the house down there.

[B]

In Philly.

[A]

Yeah, outside of Philly. In the burbs. And as a child I thought that that was my mother and my grandmother who grew up in a studio apartment.

[B]

Definitely not. They're not blowing anybody.

[A]

How dare you.

[B]

Got him. Give me his back. Hey, fat guy stinks. Gibby's back.

[A]

My mom. My mom grew up in a. Like a one bedroom apartment in like the twenties. No, for the harp. Had to get it through the door in a one bedroom apartment with other family members that live there.

[B]

So what's that mean? You thought that was her?

[A]

Oh, I thought that was them, but I was.

[B]

That was the apartment they grew up in. They didn't have. They didn't have second bedroom money, but they had a heart money.

[A]

A lot of room in here.

[B]

He could easily put up a. Put up a wall, turn us into.

[A]

A two bedroom, paint it over the hot plate that was in the corner.

[B]

I'm pretty sure I see floor to ceiling windows. Where the fuck is that?

[A]

That's what I thought. I thought like that's where they. That's where my mom grew up. And then every New Year's Eve, she would always tell me how brutal it was growing up. Because she hated New Year's Eve because that's when she found out her mother was. Was dying. Okay. Esophageal cancer.

[B]

First time doing this.

[A]

I'm just telling you this facts about me.

[B]

Nobody asked those facts.

[A]

I thought that was us. I thought that's where I came from. And I always wonder what the hell happened on the.

[B]

What minute are we at?

[A]

7.

[B]

7. And we already hit esophageal cancer. That's topical. You could have just said she was sick. I didn't need the fucking test results.

[A]

Showing me your lab workup spread around, too. It wasn't just any contagious.

[B]

Everybody's gonna get sick in that one bedroom.

[A]

I have tonsillitis. I forgot to tell you, too, by the way. It's not contagious as long as you don't kiss. But I am on an antibiotic.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Augmentin. Augmentin. Augmentin. Penicillin.

[C]

Augment this conversation.

[B]

Try to truncate this conversation.

[A]

Anyway, that was something that I had in my house growing up, that I thought that made me feel fancy, you know what I mean? That beautiful painting back there.

[B]

I mean, it is a nice painting. To me, that looks. That looks fancy. It looks like the real wood and patina, and it looks valuable, but if you touch it, it's actually like plastic. Like, it's all one piece of plastic.

[A]

It's a print, dickhead.

[B]

I'm just saying. I was shocked.

[A]

We have the original. Yes, we do. Is that the Louvre?

[B]

Is that the loser?

[A]

It's at the vfw. That is Street.

[B]

They're holding it until we paid a tab.

[A]

Oh, man. You never had to do anything like that, did you?

[B]

What? Pay a tab at a vfw? No, we. Ryan pays their debts. No, not really. Sullivan pays their debt.

[A]

Give somebody something to hold till you straighten them out.

[B]

Uh, no, no, I remember. No, not real. No, I never.

[A]

I had to. With a stereo.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, I was. I was dealing with my friends. Not drug dealers. Okay, well, I'm just saying, like, I wasn't going on.

[A]

Some of them were my friends. Okay.

[B]

I don't think they were. They were calling you that often.

[A]

You get close at knife point. You know what I mean?

[B]

It really brings you together. Yeah, no, definitely. Definitely not. I don't think so. Not that I can recall.

[A]

Can I guess what you had in your house growing up that made you Feel fancy.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Huh. Call my bluff on this one. We'll be right back. I would have to assume a lot of people. It's the china cabinet where the good dishes are, which. You have a pretty extensive china cabinet in the kitchen.

[B]

In the kitchen.

[A]

Your china cabinet is in the kitchen.

[B]

That's. That's new Raymore Flanagan. Shit. That's not that. That's not that house that you've been to. While it is the four walls I grew up in. That's no longer the house I grew up in.

[A]

What do you say? Oh, okay.

[B]

It's all. Not that it's been redone. Redone. I guess it has been. I don't know that I would say we had a kitchen island that was like the. That's pretty good standalone island. Yeah, it was very much. I remember being like this is. That felt sure that you go over to like as the house. That house was built in 89, I think when my parents were still together.

[A]

It's pretty good.

[B]

Things were still going well.

[A]

It was a good year.

[B]

I think Construction in the 80s in the Philadelphia area was doing pretty well. Booming. Right.

[A]

All through the economics, all through the 90s.

[B]

So that was doing well. And then they split up. And then my mom took that. That was like my mom. My dad moved out. My mom kept that house. And then.

[A]

Was that paid for? Can I ask you that?

[B]

No, no, no, no, no.

[A]

Touchy subject.

[B]

Very much so. No, not. Not by any means. And then my mom took over and then as the. She was the head of the house and she had to go. She went back to work because she was like raising kids and she went back to work at the hospital. So, like, there wasn't a lot of. It was a nice house, but my mom always said we were. We were. Was it house rich or house broke? House poor? Like, we were in this nice house and she kept us in that house because of the. For the school district. She was like, I'm not taking my kids out. Right? So like, there was never much. Where would you. Nice stuff in there.

[A]

Where would you have went if it weren't. I mean, you went to fucking Council Rock. It's not like that's Harvard. Where would you.

[B]

Where would they say, I believe it's a very good school district.

[A]

I mean, you had more pill deaths per capita than fucking.

[B]

Well, that was different. I mean, she was keeping us in there in the 90s. The opioid epidemic hit in the 2000s. And listen, I don't think you came out unscathed either. You fell victim to the fucking opioid epidemic when you were 32. It's not like you had peer pressure in social studies.

[A]

So you gotta fool me because I like Slipknot, huh?

[B]

I felt the air as up in me. Great song. I've been listening to that, by the way.

[A]

Slipknot.

[B]

Just that song. Wait and Bleed until they get real heavy metal and I turn it off. It's a little spooky. Scary.

[A]

Had to sleep with a night they.

[B]

Were banned from mtv, which. Hey, listen, if you're too. If you're too edgy for the music television channel, you're a little too edgy for Kippy.

[A]

Lutherans wouldn't have them. Yeah, that was the thing, man, back in the day. Get banned from it. That's better for your career.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Get that advice. Parental advisory. Yeah.

[B]

Screw you. Yeah. Little Eminem, take it to the man.

[A]

Little Kippy running around.

[B]

I don't know that that house was built with an intercom system on the walls.

[A]

It's bad though.

[B]

It's like what they say. It never worked.

[A]

That's how they warned travel.

[B]

That's the lot. That's. If that isn't a testament to, I think everything in our lives.

[A]

There's a tape deck in it, doesn't it? Am I not mistaken?

[B]

The one in the kitchen as a tape deck never worked. Everything was kind of fixed in that.

[A]

House so you couldn't use that tape deck when you were having parties and shit like that to like set the vibe.

[B]

Now we didn't have party. I mean when. But like when I was throwing my own party.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, we weren't listening to tapes. I would been in, you know, 2000. I mean, what year did I graduate high school? 2005. Like early 2000s. Would have been like a CD player, which I don't think we had either.

[A]

You didn't have music playing at your parties?

[B]

I wouldn't say like I had parties. I really think you have like a. Like a saved by the bell picture in your head.

[A]

Oh, no, I don't. Just trying to rope a dope.

[B]

You. I can tell.

[A]

You know, like it's a big party going on and you and the hottest girl in school go upstairs and stuff like that.

[B]

Is that what happened to you in high school?

[A]

Sometimes.

[B]

Sometimes, yeah. Went upstairs into what your. Your split level home. Three steps up, took her into the top bunk. Is that what you did? Fucking Johnny Cougar.

[A]

Now you in your parents.

[B]

Hey, this is.

[A]

Gentlemen.

[B]

This is my. This is my. This is my football jersey. It's framed. Yeah, I gotta wear it on Friday, but I still frame it because I'm hanging on to the glory days that were last Friday. You always lived in the past, didn't you?

[A]

No.

[B]

Week to week even. Remember me? Last Friday? Be punk champion.

[A]

I didn't play beer pun.

[B]

You're a broken record, you know that, Scrapple? No. That would have been the classiest thing we didn't have.

[A]

You know, you have. That's pretty classy.

[B]

Now, the hidden.

[A]

No, no, you have nothing now.

[B]

Little rude now.

[A]

Your kid. You. The. Your. Your suburban joint is real nice.

[B]

It's nice. Yeah. I mean, the.

[A]

The.

[B]

You know, we've. We've done a good amount of work to it.

[A]

I was gonna say you had your mom's house.

[B]

Uh huh.

[A]

A trap house, as I call it.

[B]

Yeah, I used to sell bundles out of there.

[A]

You got that thing that comes down when you step on the steps. That always scared me.

[B]

I don't know what that is.

[A]

A drug dealer's house. They'd set up booby traps for the cops. You'd step on the steps and you'd fall into a pit where the pit bulls were never seen that shit. Where, I don't know, bad places and like, bad neighborhoods. Drug dealers would set up booby traps. So if the cops ever came in, they would. They would. They would stop them.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Like have like a knife come down on a thing.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

You know I'm talking about.

[C]

It's not Macaulay Culkin.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm telling you, man.

[B]

Yeah. Hitting the head with a paint bucket at one. I'm gonna get you run out of fake walking up the stairs.

[A]

A lot of tarantulas.

[B]

You got the full year, girlfriend.

[A]

Wolf, you have the hidden trash can, didn't you? You had the trash can in the thing.

[B]

Oh, no, we still really? No.

[A]

Oh, must be somebody else's house. Sorry, loser.

[B]

And my house in the burbs now. My mom's house.

[A]

No, you do a trash can at your place.

[B]

I mean, it came with the house.

[A]

Well, let's talk about DraftKings, baby.

[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

Them doing all that stuff makes it fun.

[B]

It makes it fun. It makes it enjoyable. Yeah, someone gnawing your fucking ear off about the commercial. Shut up about the commercials. Pass the buffalo chicken.

[A]

I mean Doritos.

[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[B]

That in the 90s, into a hidden trash can. Even if it was under the sink, like not the one that you pull all the way out. A lot of people kept a small one under the sink. That's under the sink. I kind of like that.

[A]

Or that it was always so small.

[B]

Very classy back then. Which I hated.

[A]

Trash compact.

[B]

Trash compactor.

[A]

I thought I'd kill myself with one of those things.

[B]

Man. They don't touch it. What the. I remember being like. I remember being like. What are you all janitors? Like? This is like. It seems so industrial to have in your kitchen. How much trash are you making?

[A]

That's like you put a car in there after you murdered somebody.

[B]

It's what they got in the back of supermarkets.

[A]

I always wanted one of those things.

[B]

What?

[A]

The car crusher?

[B]

Huh? Where are you gonna put that in your apartment? What are you talking about?

[A]

Feeling rich.

[B]

Always wanted one. It's not a Zippo.

[A]

I just thought it was cool to see that.

[B]

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I agree with you very much.

[A]

You were in there.

[B]

Very cool. Marker.

[A]

Open marker. Owen on the street.

[B]

Sure. I got you. You're really painting yourself to be quite the criminal. This episode. As a guy used to do pills in his room. Yeah. You know, I'm in the bloods, the Crips. You know, when you go to the trap house and they got the trap doors.

[A]

I know you used to move a little weight, you know, trying to relate.

[B]

I know you put on a little weight.

[A]

Hey, talking about down pounds. Somebody stole a key. Anywho, huh? Let's get into it.

[B]

Yeah. So this. This originally because I was complaining about, you know, we. My wife shops a lot at home goods. Marshalls.

[A]

Adam and Eve.

[B]

Easy does it. She shops a lot at Marshalls. Stuff for the house. A lot of these broads are doing that now. You go to Marshalls. And that's the kind store where it's like, I get. You can get an odd and an end and something. Okay. But she bought these cheap. And we've talked about. She bought these cheap bath mats. Right, Right. And then I get out of the shower. She got in the shower earlier than me. And then that's soaked and it just. It's like stepping on a wet doll. And you're like. And I go, this sucks. And I was complaining about this, and a homie wrote in and goes, get a bath mat stone. Right, Right. Which it's like. It's more of like. It's like a piece of slate. And it like dries quicker. It doesn't absorb it.

[A]

Don't you slip, though.

[B]

No, I guess I don't have it. But then I couldn't afford it. It was this thing where. This is the impetus of this was I got. As I was getting in the shower, I stepped on the wet cold thing and I went, I can't do this anymore. I'm getting that stone. Because he's like, I did it and I never looked back.

[A]

Huh.

[B]

So that's like that in my head of like, yeah. You can do these little things around the house to feel classy. Right, Right. And now it's like, hey, this one's. This is 29.99. I've done it. I've never looked back.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Type thing. And it takes a lot of dirt bags to realize you can, you know, round these corners, touch these things. Little things. These little. What? You know, these little things that everybody does throughout the day, the week.

[A]

Feel like a rich guy to feel.

[B]

Just go like, yeah. That makes me feel nice.

[A]

I felt that with the. With the cutting board that I had.

[B]

Yes, cutting boards.

[A]

But then it warped. Now sits in the corner. So I didn't take care of it. I need to take care of it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Pain in the. I gotta lube this thing up.

[B]

That interferes with your schedule of lubing other things up.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Aquaphor is a precious commodity to foliazzle.

[B]

My carrots tastes like KY jelly, this one. So every. So we asked Patreon to write in with the things that you've done or you buy, like, the little things that you've done to feel like a little give your. Give yourself a little bit of clay.

[A]

Yeah. Sharp.

[B]

This one is great. And I never thought about it. This is from Hugh Jazz. $10 soul sister.

[A]

Hello.

[B]

Dimmer switches in the bathroom. Ooh, talk about the fall.

[A]

Freaky.

[B]

Well, just even in the middle of the night, you just go, give me a little bit. Give me a. Give me a smidge. Soften it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because it's like fluorescent. You're in there.

[A]

I like sometimes, too. And this isn't a sexual thing.

[B]

Okay. Sounds like it's about to be.

[A]

I like to take a shower with two or three guys.

[B]

I just watch them take notes.

[A]

So I have two lights in the. In the. In the bathroom. One is the light over the sink, like the thing. And then the other one is the overhead light with the. With the fan connected to it, which I like noise when I'm in there because I like to feel like I have a little privacy. Sure. Of course. Growing up in a. In a repressed Catholic household, trying to whack off in the bathroom, you always felt like fucking, you know, singing in.

[B]

There, acting like you're in the shower. Fly me to the moon.

[A]

I always feel like the monsignor was waiting on the other side of the door. Like, what are you doing in there?

[B]

Given the Catholic church, he might have been. All right, we're going edgy today, boys.

[A]

I'm getting ready for you, Father.

[B]

Taking everybody down? Yeah, Hit me.

[A]

But I sometimes like it. I like to take a shower sometimes not in the dark, but like taking a shower with, like, the light.

[B]

It's not like, fuck, you're going into the fucking. Or. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's not so medicinal.

[A]

Yeah, it's good. Now you put a little, like one of those menthol things down at the floor.

[B]

Nice, right? Yeah.

[A]

Just relax a little bit. So I like that.

[B]

With the little bit of self care.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Just softens it.

[A]

Because not that long ago, I have a candle in there, and I lit a candle to take a shower, and then I forgot about it.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I woke up the next morning.

[B]

What? Whole whole block in Queens.

[A]

I woke up the next morning to do my business in there. And I'M sitting down like, man, it smells really good in here. I looked over and the fucking candle was still going.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So that's out. Sure. But if I had a dimmer in.

[B]

There, why isn't that standard? Dimmer switches arguably are the same. They What? They're what, $2 more? Take a little bit more of fucking 20 minutes of labor maybe. Why isn't that standard?

[A]

A lot of hotels have them now, which is nice. Dim the lights a little bit.

[B]

A little bit. It's a little smidge. Because I only got my. You know, we. I live in an old. The. The apartments.

[A]

Well, you said the bathroom redone. You didn't get that put in there, though.

[B]

Yeah, those dimmer switches are. I'm not at the apartment, though. There's just only one.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I mean, it's a pre W. Shitty, pre war building. There's one fluorescent.

[A]

Probably work late.

[B]

Hanging in that joint, swinging. That's always silent, man. I got one in the basement.

[A]

Work light.

[B]

The rope? No, not the work light, but the rope light still. Zodiac, man. The crow hop I take to the. To the bottom of the stairs.

[A]

Very nice, man. Shout out to you. That's not a dimmer switch in there. Get it low, get in there, take a nice hot shower, Soap yourself up.

[B]

Not bad. Okay. He just does it. What the. Send yourself dozen flowers. This one's from Zach. Small individual salt and pepper shakers for each person at the table.

[A]

What, you stole them?

[B]

He says my grandma always used to have them, and now she. And once she kicked, we took over the tradition. Find out what the tiny. Like the little ones you would get. I know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Sometimes they have them in, like, airport. The room service or something like.

[A]

That's very nice.

[B]

That probably set you back a total 30 bucks.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Makes you just feel a little.

[A]

Seems like an estate dinner or something like that.

[B]

Yes. Why not have those?

[A]

I don't use that much salt and pepper, do I?

[B]

But it doesn't matter. It makes. It makes you feel nice.

[A]

It does little.

[B]

I'd use a little bit more pepper.

[A]

Yeah. I'm gonna start using more salt and pepper.

[B]

I think we can peel back on.

[A]

This just a little, you know, five.

[C]

Bucks for one, so. Yeah, you know. Yeah, I like 30 bucks.

[B]

Little things.

[A]

Very classy.

[B]

If I went over your house and you had those, I. I wouldn't stop telling people, really. I'm not coming over. You got them in the shower. Yeah, we can keep them in the shower.

[A]

Kill slugs and a porch.

[B]

All right, let's see here. This is From Nick Ten dollar union delegate. A king size comforter on a queen size bed. I gotta give that to you. Says it looks a little shabby when it's laying there.

[A]

When it's hanging off the side.

[B]

Yeah. But who cares? I mean strangers aren't in your bedroom. You know what I mean? Like the company's not really going in your bedroom. And if you do shout if you're giving the tour. So yeah. We got a queen size. Here's a little trick. Do the king size comforter. Game changer. You're not fighting over. You don't get lost in it.

[A]

Wrap yourself up in it. I'm a big. Wrapping myself up in the. I like lifting up the comforter and getting that. That corner in between my legs so I can rub my piggies together. I proper shake my foot to go to sleep now. And sometimes I wake up and it's still shaking.

[B]

Burning calories. That's good. That's probably why you look so good.

[A]

I just need a little color. I'll be all right.

[B]

Guys running from something.

[A]

Sleeping my sneakers on.

[C]

I think I'd rather do that European thing where you have the two twin.

[B]

The two twins. That's also very classy again. But doesn't look amazing undone. Like when you're making the. When you're making the bed. It doesn't look as. What? As good as the one that fits the bed. So I'm okay with the king as well. It's all.

[A]

That really cuts down the hot boxing capabilities though.

[B]

What? The double. Yeah. You're a real. I'm a real treat.

[A]

You're romantic.

[B]

Huh?

[A]

The old Dutch oven. You know what I'm talking about. Kid. And they're gassing myself. No. You don't fart.

[B]

I.

[A]

Sir.

[B]

Man. This is all projection. I didn't say anything. Very good. Huh?

[A]

Once again.

[B]

And no I don't. I go to the doctors once a week and they suck them out. Shout out to Edna.

[A]

Talk about feeling classy. Huh?

[B]

I don't fart no more. This is a big one that I don't have very. This is.

[A]

Can I guess?

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Who's it from?

[B]

Do you really? I didn't. I didn't. It's. It's from. He's just a fat bitch.

[A]

I walked right into that one. Folks.

[B]

I. I swear to God.

[A]

That's if you don't know.

[B]

He can't write that.

[A]

That's Luke's mantra for me when I'm annoying him. He just says in his head over and over he's just a fat Bitch. He's just.

[B]

I think annoying's a soft term in that.

[A]

I think it's when really annoying him, bothering him, driving him crazy.

[B]

But that. That also. That then puts the onus on him of like. You're like.

[A]

When I'm being an asshole?

[B]

Yes, when you're being an asshole intentionally. A lot of times.

[A]

He'll reiterate that I'm aware what the process is. Anywho, Towel warmer?

[B]

No.

[A]

Fuck.

[B]

It's in the kitchen. In the kitchen.

[A]

Garbage disposal?

[B]

No.

[A]

The knives in the. In the block.

[B]

No. Classy, though.

[A]

Meat slicer.

[B]

What?

[A]

Who are you, Richie Rich McDonald's? What does it pertain to? Oh, the refrigerator in the wall.

[B]

No. Classy though.

[A]

Very. Ice machine butler.

[B]

Solid gold floor.

[A]

The griddle in the middle of the range.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

Is that it?

[B]

No, but that's nice. That's not. Nobody submitted that. But I have one. My new. I bought the new stove. It has one. Really? Yeah.

[A]

You make hotcakes?

[B]

It's got.

[A]

Got the. Well, come over, have a little breakfast.

[B]

I guess. It doesn't. It doesn't. It's got the big oval burner in the middle. Oval for that. For. I guess you can put a grit like a griddle tray on. I don't have the griddle tray. That's my life story. I got something kind of cool and then I'm missing something. It's either broken or I'm missing something. To make it functional.

[A]

Patty has the plug in.

[B]

Hot. I love that.

[A]

The. It's like. It's a separate thing.

[B]

The griddle.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We got one down the shore.

[A]

Because like 17.

[B]

There's 20 people waking up and it's like you can just throw all the bacon on that. You can throw all the eggs on that. I love that going. They're like 19 bucks. Cook for a fucking army.

[A]

Patty does strips of bacon with pancake mix poured over it for the kids.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

Yeah, they love it. They love it. Gives me heartburn like a motherfucker.

[B]

You're getting it right now as you're thinking about it.

[A]

Yeah. It kills me. Bacon in the morning crushes my heartburn. I can't do it anymore.

[B]

I just saw something. I don't know if it was fake or not, but bacon's been listening to like a level two carcinogen.

[A]

So is lunch meat level one carcinogenic? Carcinogenic. Cancerous?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Esophageal?

[A]

Yeah. Bad. So that's it. It's out. Grass. Grass fed beef.

[C]

Just group one.

[A]

Fresh fruit. That's all you can eat. And you got to do that stuff that Brecket does. The nads and the Rhos. All that stuff. The collagen to this, to that. Plus that Laird Hamilton. You got a lot of stuff going, too.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Good looking dude. You know Laird Hamilton?

[C]

Of course. Yeah.

[A]

Guy's a machine. Yeah. He don't drink a lot of them. Don't get to a certain point, Kevin.

[C]

What's the point of it all, man?

[B]

Can't get up. What are we even doing this for?

[A]

How am I trying to get my whistle wet?

[B]

I literally. I remember working so hard while being in New York of being like, if I can just get to the point where I could have some pops on a Wednesday and not get up and have responsibilities. The whole fucking thing, this is all it's been about. I come from a family where the. Where the open time gets filled with drinking. You have some beers. You got nothing to do tomorrow. Let's have some beers. Oh, fucking. Something just canceled. Let's have some beers. Work's over. Have some beers. You know what I mean?

[A]

Work's almost over.

[B]

Have some beers.

[A]

Couple of desk beers. What's the. What am I missing here? Wait.

[B]

Okay. I knew you could. You can't take the answer.

[A]

Is it a utensil?

[B]

No.

[A]

Is it.

[B]

It's part of the. It's like a feature in the kitchen, kind of the.

[A]

The. The hose that comes out that fills up the pot of water.

[B]

No, but that's also on there.

[A]

And you have that.

[B]

I have that, but it puts out brown water. Again. Again. I got something. And I. As a plumber. As a thing.

[A]

You're boiling it.

[B]

As somebody who's worked in plumbing, I don't know how that happens. It's the same water.

[A]

It's the pipes. You got to clean them out. It's rusty pipes in there because you don't use it enough.

[B]

I know, but it's copper. Copper shouldn't be rusty.

[A]

You have copper.

[B]

All domestic water has to be copper.

[A]

Is that true? That's good stuff.

[B]

I mean, I think maybe I don't have. Listen, Okay, I believe in this. Back when I was banging in the city, I'm sure things have changed. In the city of Philadelphia, all domestic water had to be copper.

[A]

And my favorite movie, Moonstruck. Mr. Castorini only uses copper. He was a plumber.

[B]

Yeah. They have to.

[A]

It was the 80s.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Amy Schumer lives in that house that they filmed Moonstruck in.

[B]

I've never seen it, but. The one in Brooklyn Heights? Yes. Yeah. I lived Right down the block from.

[A]

That for like a week, four weeks. Man. You really pushed that narrative. You were like. You were a tech billionaire living in Brooklyn. They were fucking fumigating your apartment for roaches or something like that. You were trying to impress your. Your new bride.

[B]

It worked. Yeah, no, he wasn't my new bride.

[A]

You weren't even married yet?

[B]

No.

[A]

Living in sin, huh?

[B]

You get whatever's coming to you.

[A]

I wonder. His brow water coming out.

[B]

You're lucky it ain't blood, man. I. That is one thing. If that's like the not having. Having kind of the cool thing that doesn't get. Is my life story. We tried it once. It came out brown.

[A]

You're filling up the pot in the sink like a loser.

[B]

Yeah, I don't boil that much water. It's also like a little.

[A]

An archway.

[B]

No, soft closed door. Drawers and cabinets.

[A]

This is what it is.

[B]

Yeah, that's great. Remember seeing them. That's like a thing. That's probably not that much more expensive now then if you're getting a new kitchen that, like. Oh, yeah, it might be an extra whatever. I'm sure it's more expensive, obviously, but at that time to go, to be like, that's just gonna call.

[A]

This might be a stretch, but I wonder how many. It's got to be unnumbered. How many families that saved.

[B]

That's. That has to be a comedian's bit. Being mad, trying to fucking slam the.

[A]

Drawers and you can't. You can't do it. That probably saved a lot of fights, you know what I mean? That turned into arguments, separation, divorce, kids crying, family upset.

[B]

We had these. I guess it was the early technology to the soft close is we had these groups. Brown little soft pads on the corners of the drawers that me and Danny would rip them off and just, like, play and, like, put. You know, they would, like, stick you. Dude, it was like my mom.

[A]

The squishy ones were the best.

[B]

Oh, they were. They were. The squishy. They were a little brown squishy.

[A]

John, help yourself.

[B]

Oh, man. And we'd be like, well, she doesn't use this one that often. And we'd, like, rip them off and, like, take. You could take, like, one off and it would still. But then with manager machine, the hell's doing, you know, me and dad get them all over her face. We're playing lepers.

[A]

I don't feel good. Trying to get out of school. We have one. One cabinet that closes. Is that a cabinet? Yeah, one cabinet that closes. Snaps every time you close it. Sounds like a firecracker going off.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Trying to get a little chalky milk in the middle of the night. Undetect it. Bust you cold like an old.

[B]

Like an old car door.

[A]

Two seconds my dad.

[B]

Like an old taxi cab.

[A]

Yeah, two seconds, my dad be at the top of the stuff. What are you doing? You just ate in there again.

[B]

Yeah, wrong guys. Got a point.

[A]

You come down, I will snack together.

[B]

My mom currently has again. So that house, that house is like 30 something years old. At 35 years old at this point.

[A]

That crazy with like, that's a new house to me. Like, I look at your house and I'm like, that's a brand new house.

[B]

My, my house is old. I mean, if you think about it, I was saying to somebody, like, how old is. I'm like, I think it was built in the 60s, late 60s, early 70s.

[A]

Yours?

[B]

My house.

[A]

Oh, oh, no, not your house. I meant your mother. When I say your house, I mean your mom's house.

[B]

Yeah, how the. I mean, okay, that's reminding I'm somewhat of a guy trying to be an adult. My house is my house.

[A]

That was built in the 60s, I.

[B]

Believe so maybe 71 or something. Like, I don't know anything about the house. Brad Foreman, but that's all. I mean, think about how old is that? That's 30. That's 50. It's pushing 60 years old.

[A]

My mom's house was built in the 50s.

[B]

Yeah, I got a whole fucking. I got a whole fucking house. Rusty pipes camp.

[A]

Let's talk about DraftKings, baby.

[B]

Shout out to the kings of the draft.

[A]

More importantly, let's talk about Super Bowl 60. Because DraftKings is an official sports betting partner of Super Bowl 60. They put you right in the center of the biggest game of the year.

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[B]

No, wait, that ain't too bad. Listen, I am a big. I'm talking a big DraftKings kind of guy.

[A]

You have to place a bet.

[B]

I got my own stuff. I got my own little system. I got how I like to play. I got. You know what's fun for me? I do a lot of first, who's going to get who's score, first score anytime, touchdown, first touchdown. That's listening. This stuff, the odds are good. You predict who's going to get it and it Keeps you in. Listen, my birds are out.

[A]

Them doing all that stuff makes it fun.

[B]

It makes it fun. It makes it enjoyable. Yeah, someone gnawing your fucking ear off about the commercial. Shut up about the commercials. Pass the buffalo chicken.

[A]

I mean, Doritos.

[B]

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[A]

Other than that, check out DraftKings.

[B]

But like the. All the. A lot of the stuff in my mom's is a real. All the. All the stuff is originally the same. Like they've got new or some new. Apply all the appliances went. New appliances, some carpet, some, you know, a couple cheap coats of paint and stuff like that. Bad cows from Raymore and Flanagan. So. But the. She still has a door that's been this way forever. And she's got a piece. I guess she replaces like a piece of clear tape because it doesn't close all the way. The hinge is blown out. So it's. It holds open 2 inches. And she's got like duct tape essentially like packing tape rolled up in place. And I'm just like, there's like crumbs on the hair on the tape. And what the Looks like you're searching for, you know, looks like a crime.

[A]

Scene lady pulling prints. We have the thing in a couple of doors that it doesn't quite line up and you gotta lift it, you know. My door was like that for so long in my bedroom. My door was ripped off for a long time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because they'd be mentioned.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They come in, get your finger in.

[B]

Your butthole and stuff like that. Sodomizing yourself.

[A]

Looking for a hairbrush.

[B]

The things we we had the. We had the closets. The sliding door closets. Yeah.

[A]

Broke them, man, all the time.

[B]

Those things didn't stay on track at all. They'd be. Hey, you could like, swing them. They were like barn doors at one point.

[A]

Brutal.

[C]

The soft, closed kitchen cabinets will add typically 15 to 20% more to the cost of the cabinetry.

[B]

Sure. But I'm saying, like, if you're getting new cabinets compared to what they were at the time, you know, double.

[A]

I'd assume most of them are probably that now just by. Probably make the old ones anymore.

[B]

I'm sure they do. Yeah. They have to. People don't have. People don't have 20% extra to spend on fucking that whole kitchen cabinet.

[A]

Such a racket.

[B]

It is.

[A]

The whole Things are racket.

[B]

It is bad. I don't get it.

[A]

I remember work. That contractor I worked for, that's what he did was he specialized in fucking redoing kitchens. And he had. The only reason it was profitable for him is because his wife worked for the cabinet company. And he would get like, a deal or get like.

[B]

He'd find 10% somewhere that he could make. Yeah, I respect that.

[A]

But, yeah, it was crazy. They fucking bang you over the head with that shit.

[B]

Here's what we did. Trashy little facelift.

[A]

Stole it from the neighbors.

[B]

No, ours were like. When we moved in. Ours were pretty good, right? They were fine. Mm. 15 years old. I don't know. Something they weren't like when. I guess when the previous owner. I'm multiple owners that whoever put them in, they were like, new of that time. Like on the. Not higher end, but not. They're nice.

[A]

I compliment them all the time when I Shitty ikea.

[B]

We also have somebody at some point, they added shitty crown molding, which makes them look nicer. You know what I mean? Above it and below it. So they look. The cabinets are pretty basic, but they judged up around it.

[A]

Put marble around it, sprayed it in gold, falling down.

[B]

We got someone to come in and paint them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Got an extra product.

[A]

Like blue, right?

[B]

No, red the bottoms, red. The tops, white also. Go two tone. Very nice.

[A]

Put a racing stripe, lightning bolt number.

[B]

Three on ain't first your last. That. Yeah. That's like a nice facelift. I want to say it was like. It wasn't that much. Guy. One guy came, cash job. Like he wasn't. Wasn't like we didn't call like fucking. You know, it was just like Steve the painter came over, taped everything up, took the doors off, sprays them. Sprays the thing out the door in fucking half a day. I'm just thinking maybe like 500 bucks. Got a whole new life out of kitchen. Another five, six, ten years.

[A]

Just thinking out loud here. If you're staying there, why don't you redo that basement? Making a little man cave. Get the cart. You know, like really hook it up.

[B]

That is. I think like every dirt bag.

[A]

Put a spare bedroom in there.

[B]

Guys. Thing. I don't need a spare bedroom for you. Private entrance. Bilco. Doors. Yeah. Ladies. I got my own room. It's more of an apartment in my buddy's house.

[A]

Different mailing address. Would there ever be a situation where that would happen? Where I had to move?

[B]

Is there a situation where you might need to move into my basement? Probably. Yes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Could you? No.

[A]

You wouldn't let it happen.

[B]

In what world?

[A]

I'm bedridden. I'm only ahead. I don't eat that much. You would take me in Eventually. If I was on the street. You wouldn't take me in. You'd have you.

[B]

I can't have a street urchin walking around. The kid eating his puffs. Do you eat his green beans again? No.

[A]

I'll come down here.

[B]

You're doing. You're done. See where it comes out. I gotta wipe it off and put it back in your mouth. Hey. Kid won't keep the carrots in his mouth. Gotta mix them with butter. Yeah, that's what they said. The butter makes them sleep or something. The fats or something makes them snoozy.

[A]

He's eating butter.

[B]

A lot of parents will put like. Will like feed them butter at night. That's like a new trend or something like that. I look over. You got a onesie on.

[A]

I like that.

[B]

Do you?

[A]

Yeah. Butter.

[B]

You're doing it with spray. I can't believe it's not butter. What? Reset. Would you move. I get. If you needed to. Yes.

[A]

Thanks.

[B]

I think we'd be in a position. I can. I can get you a. I can rent you a condo somewhere.

[A]

Condo. Thanks. Dog.

[B]

Not in a.

[A]

Like someone near you in case I needed anything. I got scared in the middle of.

[B]

The night trying to sleep with me and my wife. You got your blankie. You're standing at the door.

[A]

I assume that would have to be like a nuclear holocaust situation.

[B]

What? You moving in with my.

[C]

You.

[A]

So me sleeping in the bed with you and your wife One night. We'd have to be like. We have to be like cops and shit outside the door. We'd be holed up.

[B]

You think I'd be able to sleep with. There's cops outside the door. What kind of fucking psycho are you? Where the cops are closing in on us. You brought the heat to my door.

[A]

And then it's not me and you.

[B]

Go, let's get some shut eye. Everybody sack up. I mean, you're a different kind of crazy.

[A]

Be my favorite. Growing up, when I was a little kid, sleeping in between my parents.

[B]

You want to sleep between a guy, a guy and a lady who were 10 years below you? Younger than you.

[A]

Mentally, it's the same thing. Yeah, they had a. Like. It was like a thing. Like I would sneak in there in the middle of the night. My dad had to wake up, fucking carry me out like a fucking baby cat fucking swinging. I got a couple of sticks in.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, there would have to. I also don't know what world you survive the nuclear holocaust and it's me, you and my wife and my kid where I'm all mutated. If it's not some sort of, like. If it's. If that's the case, we gotta roll with a thin. You're only as strong as your weakest link. And I gotta be honest with you, buddy.

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

I'll send you out for, you know, supplies or something.

[A]

No mask.

[B]

Yeah, whatever.

[A]

Yeah, give me an N95. You know what?

[B]

You wouldn't last.

[A]

I ain't making it. No, I'm out anyway dealing with that.

[B]

Listen, things are pretty cushy now and you're struggling. I don't think if the big blast happened, you're gonna be outside trying to, you know, cook s' mores or something. Eat radioactive marshmallows running towards it. All right, let's see.

[A]

Very classy, very classy. Doing very well.

[B]

Also, someone added a no slam toilet seat, which I don't know if I've.

[A]

Ever seen, but I have. I don't like them because I'm always in it when I leave the bathroom. Like, that's not gonna go all the way down.

[B]

Sure, I get that.

[A]

I'll trust it.

[B]

I get that. Yeah.

[A]

That's how you get your hand caught.

[B]

And then sometimes there's blowback on the bottom of that thing. Hey, Karumba.

[A]

Need to cover that up in case company shows up before I've had a chance to spruce up the bedroom.

[B]

Don't lift the toilet seat up. It's broken. Looks like the upside down. This one's funny. This is from Zach. Can't tell me shit when I'm eating a Ferrero Rocher. Oh, and he goes, yes. I had to look up the spelling.

[A]

Very nice. Very nice, very nice.

[B]

I do that when you make fun of me with the lint touch of sea salt. I get the lint touch of sea salt and a bottle of water from the fucking grocery store, man. I. It's got the real light tin foil. It makes just those little things that go. I'm not a dirt bag. I am not in this moment. I'm a fucking. I'm a guy trying to get his fucking act together.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Me and rich guys, we share this. We share the same chocolate bars. You know what I mean?

[A]

I don't lint, though.

[B]

Yeah. I'm a dirt bag.

[A]

It's not Ferrero Rocher.

[B]

I'm just saying it feels classy. It feels classy. That's all I'm saying.

[A]

I think anybody with thick cardboard.

[B]

A thick cardboard. It's not that fucking. Not that plastic, that just like a Butterfinger or something class. Multiple layers of packaging. They think about it. That's what makes you feel good.

[A]

Anybody with candy out, I think is very classic.

[B]

Like at the house.

[A]

Yes. That's not. That's not.

[B]

Is it to you. That shows restraint.

[A]

1.

[B]

So, like, oh, these people have their. Together Shows restraint.

[A]

My brother has that. They're orange sour balls, too. They're fantastic.

[B]

But he loves seeing you coming over.

[A]

Yeah, I had one at Christmas. They're so old. Like, you've had them that long.

[B]

I would have went, they hard. Candy. Candy don't go bad.

[A]

Well, again, they're a little chewy, but still delicious.

[C]

I like walking around with, like, a Mountain Valley Spring bottle. One of those glass water bottles.

[B]

Someone said Pellegrino at the house for dinner will make you feel like, you know, you got it. Yeah, I agree with that.

[C]

Actually. I did that on Valentine's Day. I bought a couple Mountain Valley Spring bottles because we were doing it at home and had those as our water for that for the night.

[B]

I'm a. I'm a little. My. My wife does them. The Gerol Steiners.

[A]

They're great. She.

[B]

It's what she. Can you get me a ge. Things are like five bucks a clip. She's going through them like they're quarter waters. I'm like, lady, he ain't made of money. You know what I mean? I got a baby. We got a plan for. I got. I got to pay for the no slam drawers. Killing me. This is a subtle one, but it makes sense because the. The. The generations of this appliance. This is from Commando, Brando Fridge with the freezer at the bottom.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

That's new. That feels like new money. Shit.

[A]

You know what's funny is that was the style. I want to say mid-80s. Some people had that. But not very classy.

[B]

I always thought it was the top. It went top like the standard was top, freezer, bottom, fridge.

[A]

My cousins had it in the bottom and it wasn't very classy. But then that went away and now it's back where that. At the bottom.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm sorry. It also wasn't too open and it. Down at the bottom. It was a door that opened like that and then the freezer was down at the bottom like a broiler.

[B]

Oh, that's a little different. Yeah, that's a little. That's more like ice chesty kind of. You know what I mean?

[A]

Always froze over.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Some couple twice baked potatoes in there. Like the Hoth system.

[B]

Yeah, that's. I liked the. I think the epitome of class, which again is probably a little more attainable than it was back in the day is the wood covered the, the, the, the. The fridges to match the cabinets.

[A]

Yeah, the, the hidden fridge.

[B]

Yeah. I'm not. Not saying you don't know what it is.

[A]

I know what it is. Sure takes me a minute to find it.

[B]

But I'll get there. I'll sniff out that freezer. Burn baby. Yeah, that's very. I think somebody had that as of recent. So like when people start getting shit done to their houses now, they. It is easier to level up with those night. Those things that in my head are like super nice.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But like now you're like, oh, yeah, well, we're spending 40 grand to get the, you know, we're remortgaging to get them the, the kitchen done. Let's do it right. You know what I mean?

[A]

A lot of cash. People do that refi all that stuff. God love you.

[B]

Yeah. But it's like when that's your home.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I get home and you're like, yeah, we're gonna. You know, I, I don't know if it is smart to refi from like a. I think that guy Dave Ramsey will tell you. No, you pay it off.

[A]

Gordon Ramsay. Who's Dave Ramsey?

[B]

Dave Ramsey is a guy that a lot of people want to have with it.

[A]

Says that old guy that yells at everybody.

[B]

He doesn't yell, but he's stern.

[A]

He's gray hair.

[B]

Yeah. Bald, but he's like bald glasses, southern. He's. Let me just show you this guy, the finance guy. You're going to tell me you didn't pay off your house? You call in you go, hey, it's me and my wife. We're. You know, I make a hundred thousand dollars a year. I have a. My car note is $70,000. My house is $800,000 at this rate. This is what we have, what we have in savings, what we have in retirement. He goes, you're fucking dumb.

[A]

What does it all really matter? You get hit by a bus tomorrow or something?

[B]

Or you don't.

[A]

And then you're broke, living at your place.

[B]

Then I'm sleeping with you and your wife.

[A]

It's okay by me.

[B]

I'm sure it is.

[A]

Work on your snoring, obviously.

[B]

And what are you gonna do? And I need an outlet for my cpap.

[A]

Yeah. And none of that. You sleep it in your boxers. You'll have to wear full pajamas. Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And I'm on the outside of the covers. All right, so I'm getting that straight. Sure. So this weekend.

[B]

So do I get my own key or what? What's a security code? No, but this guy gives you the rundown of like, this is what you and his big thing is like, don't get the slam proof cabinets. It's like, get out of debt completely and live that way. Like you don't, like, buy a 98 Corolla that'll last you fucking 200,000 miles. Like that kind of shit. Really?

[A]

I respect it.

[B]

All that stuff that you're doing. Luke, hit me. Qi roll. All right, let's see here. This one is from Ayanna. Corn on the cob Spears. The nice ones.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

That like the metal ones. All stainless steel or something with a wood handle. Not the yellow corn. Cob ones are kitschy. That's fun. That's a barbecue.

[A]

Still got them?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. But some heavy with a little bit of heft. Very nice. I said not too long ago. So again, Marshall. A lot of this shit you can pick up at Marshalls. That'll do nice little things that'll make you feel.

[A]

That's very nouveau riche, though.

[B]

What.

[A]

I would assume that real rich people, classy people. I bet you the Dempsey's probably never use those because that's like when they're having corn on the cob, they're, you know. Yeah, but they're being real folks.

[C]

I think when you're doing corn on the cob like the Kennedys, it's like you're kind of slumming it.

[B]

That's what. That's what he's saying. So you Want the yellow. We're living like poor people. Where we're going to. And I'm gonna eat my corn.

[A]

They want to hold the corn like that.

[B]

Yeah, that makes sense. That makes sense. Luke, in your house. What did you. What was. I mean. Because you're also significantly younger. So like nicer stuff was a little more afford or attainable.

[A]

We do need to get eyes on the Dempsey domicile.

[C]

It's funny, my mom just invited us for the free whenever. Like this summer or something to shoot a video.

[B]

When she's not there? Yeah.

[C]

When they're not there.

[A]

What the. Yeah, we'll do.

[B]

How would you call your parents? Ma. We're thanking.

[A]

I don't want to go when they're not there.

[B]

I want to sleep in your bed above the covers. Obviously.

[A]

That would be Mr. Mrs. Dempsey.

[C]

I threw up.

[A]

Can I sleep with you?

[B]

You got a big boner.

[A]

That would be very therapeutic.

[B]

Parents?

[C]

61. Both of them.

[A]

That'd be very therapeutic for me.

[B]

And how old are you? So he's closer to your parents for sure.

[C]

Oh yeah. I'm 28. They did this.

[A]

What?

[B]

I was just doing math, man. Relax.

[A]

Fine. I'm gonna be 50.

[B]

I know. I know. Your birthday. Yeah. Coming up.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

March 18, 1976.

[A]

That's right. It's not right. I'll expect a gift nonetheless.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

50Th birthday. You should be throwing me a big party.

[B]

Uh huh. A bar. Do you want it at.

[A]

Can't.

[B]

I know. I'll take out the dinner.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

See, this is what. See? And then you say I'm a bad something.

[C]

We're doing something.

[A]

Let me sleep in the bed with you guys one night. Help me out.

[B]

You're. You are. It's beginning to get borderline creepy. I don't know if either for me or my wife. I'm not sure. But you want to taste. I'll do head to toe. I'll give you a head. I don't care.

[A]

I'll do head to toe.

[B]

Your genitals are still. Our genitals are still lined up.

[A]

I'm a feet man.

[B]

I'm a tootsie boy.

[A]

Go. Who would you be more mad if you woke up and I was playing with your feet or your wife's feet?

[B]

What? Dude.

[C]

Hey.

[B]

How about you get your life together? How about that? Okay. There's a lot of things you need to worry about before mine or my wife's feet.

[C]

Kippy's toenails are painted.

[A]

You think you're gonna go after. Your parents on the other hand, we actually.

[C]

So it was funny. We redid our kitchen around 2010 and they found this company where a lot of like, homes got foreclosed on in like 2008, obviously. And there was this dirt bag rich guys.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And the new company would like gut those houses but keep all the stuff. And then they bought that stuff.

[B]

What was it just like all kitchen stuff.

[C]

Exactly.

[B]

So they retrofit it for your place.

[A]

Some stripper that got in over her head. I've seen the big short.

[B]

You.

[A]

That's your corporate raiders.

[C]

Yeah. They just recently redid the kitchen.

[A]

It's.

[C]

We'll get eyes on it. Nice.

[B]

We'll get eyes on it.

[A]

I want to go in there. There.

[B]

Why?

[A]

I don't know. Have a nice dinner with them.

[B]

They clearly don't want to do that. The offer was, hey, you can come to our house when we're not there. And they remove all the expensive.

[A]

Got those child locks on it.

[B]

You're pulling open, you're trying to get under the sink. Clicking.

[C]

Plus we can bust out the Lord.

[B]

Yeah. Luke trying to smoke his three footer.

[A]

We don't smoke weed like that.

[B]

Yeah, I'm not.

[A]

Your parents are getting all sketched out.

[B]

Yeah, we are. Yes, we are.

[A]

I jump out the window like that guy in DMV climbing up the wall, hanging on the curtains like a cat.

[B]

Man, I remember watching that guy do that. You watch him like, that's that. That was one of those early videos where you're like, nah, nah, just keep watching. Like he starts wigging out and you, whoever you're showing gets like a little bit of a laugh. Like, oh, look how up he is. Like, just wait, dude. Like a goddamn cheetah.

[A]

Man, to be that high. Plate class. Can't stop you.

[B]

This is. This was one of the original things from the show. This is for Michael. Tiny cups in the bathroom to brush your. For brushing your teeth. That is a. That's a thing for probably five bucks a month. It'll make you feel a little more elevated.

[A]

Yeah. You mean the little throwaway cups. Yeah. I thought you meant to apply, like to leave it in there.

[B]

No, I mean, I don't think so.

[A]

I think it gets.

[B]

Yeah, that gets. That gets. The people. See, the problem is the. The people, dirt bags like us aren't going to stay on top of cleaning. The majority are going to stay on top of cleaning that cup.

[A]

No.

[B]

So it's like you just take the little banger, take it feel good, it's clean, and move on. Five bucks a month for A pack of. You probably go to Sam's club, get 10,000.

[A]

You know what else is real nice? We had them for, like, my mom bought them once. But the kind of cloth. Kind of. Not cloth. Paper towel. Like folded napkins. They have them at the stand.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

You know I'm talking about.

[B]

Yeah. Like nice restaurants will have.

[A]

Yes, real nice.

[B]

Yeah. Denise for a while is also very telling of our. We got rid of, you know. You know, like the. In the. This is like the. The downstairs, like, powder room or whatever we called it. Is that what you guys called yours? The powder room?

[A]

I have one.

[B]

Yeah. Is that right? She's like a bad. The. A non bath. A bathroom downstairs. So like your bathroom downstairs. You call it the bathroom.

[A]

I have a bathroom downstairs at your mom's. There's one in the laundry room, but that's not a powder room by any stretch of the imagination.

[B]

The only bathrooms upstairs, the main level.

[A]

Yeah. You wait your turn.

[B]

Sounds like a bus stop. Sounds like. I loves the shower. Up for number 88. You got your football jersey on.

[A]

You better hope somebody didn't use a lot of hot water. My goddamn nephew gets in there. He's in there for 45 minutes. I'm taking a freezing shower.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Using my mom's soap.

[B]

Brutal. Mm. There's a Funny.

[A]

There's a razor in there too.

[B]

I don't know. A couple of curly cues. Okay. Another thing that somebody said that I'm trying to find exactly who it was. Is keeping a surplus of stuff.

[A]

Oh, I gotcha.

[B]

Hold on. Let me see here.

[A]

We used to be good with that. You mean like having, like, a bunch of paper towels?

[B]

Like, stuff that you're. You don't use all of the time. Right here. This is from Dunkin Donuts. Being all stocked up on something that you don't need that much of. Feels all right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

If you can go, hey, I got light bulbs. We got 40 light bulbs.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You got the batteries. You got toilet paper? I do that from Amazon. You get the paper towel and the toilet paper and you go. And it might come a little too early. Go. Just put it in there. We got it. We're never gonna be fucking. You know, I'm never gonna be. Can you get the paper towels screaming out?

[A]

Amazon has that briefcase of batteries. They're off brand, but it's still pretty sick. My mom's got that. We're stocked up on batteries, dildos.

[B]

Huh? What?

[A]

Vibrators for flashlights. Having a flashlight makes you feel good.

[B]

It does.

[A]

Makes you feel prepared, which I don't have that. I want to get. I want to get a. I don't have a. I don't have a flashlight.

[B]

I got. I got one. I got one in the. In the burbs.

[A]

If goes down, I'm. I'm gonna be like the book of Eli, walking with a pair of sunglasses and a machete.

[B]

Save the world.

[C]

Yeah, My dad was big on that flashlight. By the bed.

[B]

By the bed.

[C]

Yeah. He was ready to roll.

[B]

My stepdad had a Bose sound system and a 12 gauge that's ready to roll. A pack of. Pack of Winstons ready to rock out.

[A]

Throwing a little skinner as he's sweeping the house.

[B]

He put one through. He put one through your chest and then smoke a cig. Waiting on the cops to.

[A]

He strikes me as the kind of guy that would put one through the door.

[B]

Yeah. Let. You know.

[A]

Yeah. Did they sleep with their bedroom door closed.

[B]

When he came around? Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She didn't. She had an open door, like, for us, obviously. Open door policy. I mean, it was also like, you know, it was a bit scary. No dad in the house.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean? Like this, bro. What the she gonna do? That's why Danny got so tough.

[A]

He's got the shotgun.

[B]

That's why he. I mean, he. You know.

[A]

But when he came, because Danny swings.

[B]

First, asks questions later because he. At fucking seven, he had to be the man at a house. Big scary, haunted.

[A]

Out sitting at the kitchen table, opening the mail. God damn it, Kevin fucking Jim. But yeah, when he came around, that door be closed.

[B]

Yeah. Well, at that point, like.

[A]

So I imagine if, like, I was a cat burglar and I got to that top step, he was aware he'd probably put one through that door, hoping it was you.

[B]

Yeah, probably. I don't think. I know.

[A]

My dad had that. My dad had the flashlight. He had the fucking. A weapon and all that kind of stuff. I got none of that shit. I have a knife somewhere, but I can't find it.

[B]

Try to butter my toast Butter my dinner rolls yeah, I got a. I. I got a big. Not mag light, but a big heavy metal flashlight. I don't know where it is, though. It was under the sink. My wife moves all my. All my cool.

[A]

My wife moves Trying to set your ass up.

[B]

I know that's what it looks like.

[A]

Plot nails, shotgun from underneath the bed.

[B]

Puts in blanks. I'm. I'm blasting off the guy still walking towards me. What the.

[A]

She's in there getting dressed.

[B]

All right, let's see here. This one's for this is in this. This is from Preston. Electric salt and pepper grinders with nine course sizes filled with pink, pink Himalayan salt and telly Cherry peppercorns.

[A]

Those cherry peppercorns look real nice.

[B]

Here's my thing. If that, you know, again, a couple of bucks, you know, 20, 30 bucks, probably you can get that. What?

[C]

My girl got one for free from work. One of the really nice like pepper shakers or pepper grinders. And it's just like. It's like $200 and it stinks kind of. You want the $21?

[B]

I listen, I agree. And it's all this is per person. Like, it makes this guy feel classic. Not like. Not all the shit that I like will make someone feel clip. But it's like if you can find if that small investment, what it might be 50 bucks, 100 bucks, whatever the fuck it is. But makes you. Every time you cook dinner or eat dinner, you feel fucking. You feel like not a piece of shit. Go for it.

[A]

Isn't it funny how the wealthy do stay one step ahead of you, though? Like, that's big now with everybody is the fucking grinder.

[C]

The electric ones. Yeah, electric ones, I have heard are great.

[A]

But the.

[C]

But.

[A]

But the rich folk, you know what they do? They have it in a little dish, the little sea salt in the dish. And they did that. That's what they do. Now that's I've seen on the cooking channel.

[C]

Sure. The salt cellar.

[A]

Salt cellar, I think that's what they call them. Like a little salt dish.

[C]

Yeah, we just got one.

[A]

They're nice. Something Gwyneth Paltrow does. I mean, throws out a couple of nice meals on the Instagram there.

[B]

You follow Gwyneth Paltrow on Instagram?

[A]

I see your reels every once in a while. She does a lot of cooking. Saw her make some bacon, egg and cheese sandwich or some sausage. Egg and cheese sandwich the other day from scratch. Look pretty goddamn good.

[B]

She made the sausage from scratch.

[A]

Made the sausage from scratch.

[B]

These fucking ways you get the time when it's poultry. I know. I'm saying well, just good. You know, it's like married to Chris Martin.

[A]

You know how many albums that kid sold?

[B]

I'm not trying to throw shade. I get it. But it's like who the. Who the has time to make sausage from? You're just showing it. You're better now of me. Yeah, yeah. You want to. You want me. You want to connect with me. Fucking microwave. Throw some Jimmy Dean's in a fucking air fryer, which I started doing.

[A]

I started sleeping bed with your best friend.

[B]

He's kissing my wife's feet. Fucking freakazoid. All right, this will be the last one. This is from I Lost the Game. This is a $10 Christmas. Gifted, homie. Ah, nice. People are gifting the Patreon Love. Very cool. Never have one red. And we've discussed this. This, this. We've discussed this relatively in depth. He says never have one red. I do not reuse bath towels. I bought about 20 towels at Walmart years ago and haven't looked back. No damp towels for me. 20? That's like. That's probably the number of that.

[A]

You need one in the hamper.

[B]

What he does he one use hamper? You got 19 more. So you got 19 days to do the laundry. That I like. That I like a lot. Imagine, dude, it's like. That's like a hotel. Imagine every day you got a crisp, new clean banger weight. How much better is your day or how much better is your night? You take a shower and then you go home. You get fucking. Not using a. Dude, I use mine today. It smell like a fucking bum's nut sack. Like, what am I doing?

[A]

I got them that mold smell on it. You know what I like to do? Just to bring this all full circle, since one of the first ones was the. The bath stone. I'm a big fan of. Use a towel once and then the next time you put that on the floor.

[B]

I like that.

[A]

I love that. It feels like you're getting off into carpet.

[B]

But how do you then use that again? Because that would somehow fall back into my cycle. I think it does for you too. Yeah, yeah. I'm not. I'm not judging you. I know we're very similar people. Yeah, that would somehow go. Is this the one out that. Don't fucking. Man. It's dry. You know what I mean? That's what it is covered in. Pew. All right, we gotta wrap it up. Gang.

[A]

Gang. We love you so much. Remember, come see us in Austin, come see us in Tampa, Come see us everywhere on the road this year. We love you and we'll see you next week.

[B]

Peace.