How to Get Scammed! w/ Joe List

Summary

Are You Garbage? — "How to Get Scammed! w/ Joe List"
Hosts: Kevin Ryan & H. Foley
Guest: Joe List
Release Date: March 2, 2026

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EPISODE OVERVIEW

In this classic, off-the-rails episode, returning favorite Joe List joins Kevin Ryan and H. Foley for his eighth visit to "Are You Garbage?". The conversation bounces from childhood Valentine's traditions to Olympic merch, inadvertent financial mayhem, parental quirks, and the ever-present specter of "being garbage." Episodes of oversharing, financial anxiety, trashy lunches, and home-grown wisdom are served up in relentless, hilarious fashion—with plenty of personal embarrassments and deep dives into what makes someone "garbage."

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1. THE CROWNING OF JOE LIST (01:23–02:16)

• Hosts excitedly introduce Joe List, a show regular, for his eighth appearance.
• Joe shows off his USA-themed sweatshirt, triggering a debate about its authenticity and classiness:

  "I've had it on for four days straight. I'm taking the colors back for the good guys." (06:01, Joe List)

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2. MERCH, SWEATS, AND HOCKEY JERSEYS (01:36–08:18)

• Joe riffs on repping "Are You Garbage" merch that isn’t obviously branded—drawing confusion from fans.
• The panel discusses the American trend of people wearing hockey jerseys casually and whether it’s considered classy or trashy.

  "It's not trashy. It's trashy that you think it's classy. That's the problem." (08:12, Kevin Ryan)

• Joe shares an awkward moment wearing his USA gear to Starbucks, flirting (sort of) with a Russian barista and realizing how his look is coming off:

  "She probably thinks I'm like... you look like Homelander right now." (06:39–06:44, Joe & Foley)

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3. THE OLYMPICS & OLYMPIAN IDOLS (08:47–12:44)

• Discussion shifts to Olympic figure skating nostalgia—Scott Hamilton stories, old 90s figure skating icons.

• Joe's podcast "Tuesdays with Stories" once roasted Scott Hamilton; word got back to Hamilton himself:

  "Scott Hamilton, one of my boyhood idols, listened to me... and was like, 'Not my cup of tea.'" (10:52, Joe List)

• The crew jokes about Olympic athlete net worths, reflecting on how many of their childhood idols had day jobs and regular lives.

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4. FINANCIAL FOIBLES & "GETTING SCAMMED" (13:08–16:43)

• Joe confides he’s “bad with money” and just lost a huge chunk trying to send funds to an investment guy.
  • Long Island-accented “advisor” pushes Joe to move all savings into investments.
  • Joe mails a huge bank check that may be missing in action. Confusion ensues over check writing logistics.

  "The problem is I don't know what to do... it's not 1985. Nobody's just answering phones over there." (15:01, Joe List)

• Foley and Kevin roast Joe’s old-school approach ("I'm from the 80s dog") and paranoia.

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5. TRASHY EATING HABITS & DELIVERED LUNCHES (16:56–18:08)

• Joe admits to daily McDonald's orders—Double Quarter Pounder, double fries, sometimes Chick-fil-A, followed by a Starbucks brownie.
• Hosts commiserate about the joys, shame, and economics of food delivery.

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6. A FINANCIAL MYSTERY, CONTINUED (18:08–26:48)

• Joe spirals about the status of his missing check, debating whether to trust the bank, the mail, or his own processes.
• The perils of trusting “investment guys” broached:

  "He's gotten all my money. Don't worry." (25:57, Joe List)

• Joe reveals other comedians (Norman) use the same “advisor,” hinting at possible group gullibility.

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7. CHANGE JARS, KID SAVINGS & CLASSY MOVES (22:17–23:24)

• Joe touts a “silver pig” piggy bank for his son (mostly filled with Dad’s money), and Sarah’s efforts to set up accounts for the kid.
• The group riffs on “Trump war bonds” and state savings accounts for children—none of them fully understand the details.

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8. JOE'S "CLASSY" ACTS & GENEROSITY (27:30–30:33)

• Joe describes a “classy move”—covering hotel costs for a young MC after a San Francisco gig, but jokes he probably wouldn’t have done it for a guy.

  "Now, if it was a man, would I have done it? Absolutely not. But, you know, my wife dies I get... got something on the horizon." (29:30, Joe List)

• Upgraded to Delta One, Joe celebrates a moment of “adulter-adulting” and reflects on the empowering but nerve-wracking aspect of handling real money.

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9. APARTMENT AND FAMILY UPDATES (40:04–44:38)

• Joe compares NYC apartments, new vs. old, and the realities of a doorman, pool access (via a neighbor, not his own building), and tricky garage arrangements.
• He shares the saga of his car: stuck in Massachusetts after transmission failure, being borrowed by his family—everyone except him drives it.

  "Now I'm paying for a garage with no car in it. My dad's driving it around." (43:44, Joe List)

• Joe bought the car "cash" (actually by check), feeling like a baller crossing into capitalist adulthood.

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10. PARALLEL NOSTALGIA: SCHOOL SPORTS, TOYS, AND FASHION (35:04–41:00 & 59:40–62:52)

• Long bits on wiffle-ball bats, childhood sporting hacks, and the "hypercolor shirt" craze:

  "Hypercolor. Had a moment." (61:21, Joe List)

• Reebok Pumps, snap bracelets, and other ‘90s ephemera are fondly revisited.

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11. RANDOM TRASH: WINTER COATS & BATHROOM HABITS (47:46–54:04)

• Panel gets candid (and gross) about pooping in winter coats at public toilets, hotel away-games, and preferred hygiene strategies.
• Joe’s “60/40” philosophy: always prefer home base, and when at home, finish with a shower (removable shower heads recommended).
• Extended bid on shower tech and the trash/class divide regarding bathroom routines.

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12. THE PARANOIA OF MODERN ADULTHOOD (54:10–56:11)

• The gang bemoans financial jargon and how it excludes "dumb people" from participating ("They want to fuck you up—it's like tax scoring." 55:18, Joe List).
• Joe’s tennis fandom is revealed; he's headed to see Venus Williams in person, playing up his love of "classy" sports.

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13. WRAP-UP: FINAL QUESTIONS & DOCTOR'S OFFICE ETIQUETTE (64:02–66:29)

• Garbage or not: bringing coffee into a doctor's office (trash).
• Joe is anxious even talking about the doctor:

  "I'm terrified. I shake like a leaf and I almost cry." (64:48, Joe List)

• Rapid-fire bits on doctor’s office routines, blood pressure, and annual physicals to close out.

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MEMORABLE QUOTES

• “You look like Homelander right now.” (06:43, H. Foley to Joe List)
• "I'm from the 80s dog... I gotta look at the shirt." (25:25, Joe List)
• "I've never seen anyone pick up on [driving stick] this fast." (49:42, Joe quoting Tom Dustin)
• "Now, if it was a man, would I have done it? Absolutely not." (29:30, Joe List)
• "I'm too hot in this sweatshirt." (47:59, Joe List)
• “If that was us, we never would have found each other.” [On the movie Shawshank Redemption] (34:38, H. Foley)

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NOTABLE TIMESTAMPS

• 01:23 – Joe List is introduced for his 8th appearance
• 06:01 – Joe’s new USA sweatshirt / Starbucks story
• 10:52 – Scott Hamilton podcast drama
• 13:32 – Joe’s missing investment check story begins
• 16:58 – Joe’s McDonald’s delivery rituals
• 29:30 – Joe pays for MC’s hotel (classy move)
• 43:04 – Joe’s “baller” car buying story
• 49:28 – Driving stick lessons
• 61:06 – Hypercolor shirts and other ‘90s fads

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OVERALL TONE

The episode is signature "Are You Garbage?": relentlessly irreverent, deeply personal, and constantly toggling between affection and brutal honesty. Joe List maintains his sardonic, self-deprecating humor throughout, matching the hosts' crass charm and giving listeners a masterclass in how to be both a surprisingly classy, but deeply "garbage," adult in modern America.

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TAKEAWAYS FOR LISTENERS

• Don’t mail your life savings to anyone—especially yourself—via a blue mailbox.
• Childish food habits (and delivery bills) die hard, even with a family in Battery Park City.
• Trashiness and classiness aren’t about your money; they’re about how you move through the world.
• And never, ever trust Kippy and Foley for clean financial advice… or for fashion recommendations.

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Joe List plugs: movie with Tom Dustin, touring dates—especially if you're near Fort Lauderdale, Providence, or the Miami Open.
Hosts plug the ongoing live shows and new merch (“Kiss Me, I’m Trash” for St. Patrick’s Day).

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For fans and new listeners alike, this episode is quintessential garbage—both heartwarming and harrowing. Sit back, laugh, and feel thankful for online banking.

Transcript

[A]

Merch alert, baby. Merch alert. Merch alert. Merch alert. The quality has gone through the roof. As they say, hooking. Gang, do yourself a favor. Get over to rugarbage.com. we got hats, we got shirts, got mugs, we got keychains.

[B]

We got.

[C]

We got.

[B]

We got wall art. We got paintings you can buy. Go check it out. Are you garbage.com? limited supply list. Do it. Yeah.

[A]

Hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is are you garbage?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

It's that little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that if they grow up to be classy or if they're just big old piece of trash, I'm your host. A trolley coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in a new edition. She just brought home some Valentine's Day candy. Okay, Half price.

[C]

All right.

[B]

Swinging a miss on that one.

[A]

Fair enough. Mike Coase is coming at you from right next to me. Very judgmental. He is the CEO of Are you garbage? He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world. Give it up for kj Kevin James Ryan.

[B]

Hey, don't blame me. No one laughed at that.

[C]

What's up, every.

[B]

There's other people in the room that heard that. What's up? Everybody shout out to you.

[A]

The hell.

[B]

Thanks for tuning in.

[C]

I didn't even know a joke had been made.

[B]

Shout out. Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate view subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify. And the boys are climbing the frigging charts.

[A]

Yes, sir.

[B]

Obviously, the greatest website of all time. Www.patreon.com re garbage, you go over there, you get all that bonus content, gang.

[A]

That's right. And gang, we couldn't be more excited of our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest. Back with us again today, his eighth appearance. Eighth appearance on the show. Give it up for Mr. Joe List, everybody.

[C]

Thank you. And I've got the sweatsuit.

[B]

I mean, that's crazy.

[C]

I've been wearing around, baby.

[A]

Have you?

[C]

I wore it on at. At the big show, and I was telling everyone this is. And people said, how come it doesn't say are you got. What kind of merchandise is this?

[B]

Oh, the yellow sweatshirt. The. The golden sweatshirt.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Wait, what show did you wear it on?

[C]

I wore it on my show at Sesh, which you guys keep not doing. I've been trying hard to get you guys for years. I. I have a better Job getting Eddie Murphy.

[B]

I get you, Mr.

[C]

Pants. I like that. Pants Gu.

[A]

He's a good shit.

[C]

He's okay.

[B]

Ryan's a good shit.

[C]

I like the other guy over there. That guy. What's that guy?

[A]

New guy. Luke.

[C]

Luke.

[B]

And then Mark the shark.

[A]

Mark the shark.

[B]

Mark the shark. Mark the shark. Takes a little bit of warming up.

[A]

His name's Ryan, too, but we can't have two Ryan's, so he's Mark the shark.

[C]

Gotcha. All right, Mark the Shark. I call him the Shart. Folks. Can I say something? I've been on the show 150 times. I've watched the show many times. You guys never boof an intro. It's amazing. I've never seen you go, oh, shit, let me take that over.

[A]

It happens every once in a while.

[B]

When it does, Big man spirals the

[C]

rest of the episode where it's like

[B]

we're pulling the yoke up to get the plane.

[C]

Well, you nailed it.

[A]

Thank you, buddy.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Somebody appreciates my talents. You don't like Halloween or Valentine's Day candy? That's your problem.

[B]

No, the problem is the joke's done.

[A]

You don't like a conversation heart?

[C]

Sure, Joe.

[A]

You like a conversation heart.

[C]

I don't even know what a conversation heart is.

[A]

Jesus Christ.

[C]

You don't do Valentine's Day in my house.

[A]

Really?

[C]

I was in San Francisco for Valentine's Day. My wife was.

[A]

Who knows what about as a kid with a boyfriend? Your mom didn't get your Valentine's Day candy when you were a kid? We always got a little something, maybe.

[C]

I don't know. I don't really remember. That's a little.

[B]

It's a little incestual to me.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You're trying to get a piece of pussy from your mom.

[C]

Feels a little off. I don't know.

[A]

I didn't give her anything.

[B]

Yeah, right.

[A]

Like, I took her out to dinner and shit, got her something from Adam and Eve.

[C]

I don't remember Valentine's Day as a kid. I remember, like, at school, you'd have a little.

[B]

A bag.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. They put in there. Yeah.

[A]

You get Valentine's Day. Valentine's Days from everybody.

[B]

I would have some empty bags.

[A]

Oh, man, that was always so bad when the hot chick didn't give you one empty bag.

[C]

At first I thought you meant you would be, like, coming everywhere. Like, I had an empty bag, and I was like, oh, shit.

[B]

I developed pretty late.

[C]

I thought you were just banging every chicken glass.

[A]

Drained my balls that day, I can tell you.

[B]

Wait, hold on. Back to the sweatshirt. Where did you get it?

[C]

This? Oh, this?

[B]

The USA sweatshirt.

[C]

This sweatshirt.

[A]

Is that official authentic merch?

[C]

I'm sorry, I thought you meant the are you garbage sweatshirt. I thought you were losing your mind.

[A]

It doesn't say are you garbage on it.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

We bought it at the place downstairs.

[C]

Many people that I wore it, and I was like, I got this for are you garbage? Everyone was like, does it say are you garbage? I don't get it.

[B]

Did you get the. I mean, we understood the bit of, like, the golden jacket or whatever.

[C]

Yeah, you got it. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

We don't need to break. You don't need to brand everything and show off.

[C]

Yeah, well, that's. That was the beef that people had.

[B]

That's my idea of comedy.

[C]

Now this.

[B]

This atrocity you're walking around.

[C]

This is authentic. I'm keeping it on till they lose.

[B]

Authentic as in what?

[C]

Authentic as in it's mine.

[A]

I don't think that's team issued.

[C]

No, it's not team. I mean, they're not wearing this. I. Well, first of all, I wanted to buy an official jersey, but they're all sold out. American pride is back, baby.

[B]

It's big.

[C]

This country's never been better, never been more united. So I wanted to buy an official jersey, but I was gonna be a hockey jersey guy. And my friend Matt Wayne, you guys know Matt Wayne. He pointed out Clark Griswold in Christmas vacation is just wearing a hockey jersey at home now. How do you feel about wild hockey jersey and hanging out at home?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Is that classy?

[B]

Did you. Probably never even owned a hockey jersey now.

[A]

Then I tried one on one, said they don't fit me right and they're too heavy.

[B]

Is pretty good. Like, if it's cut right, it looks pretty good on a fat guy. Kevin Smith did it for many years.

[A]

True.

[B]

I took my. Remember, I just hit me. I took my class picture in a Philadelphia Flyers jersey.

[A]

Jesus Christ.

[B]

It was a replica, too. It wasn't even, like a good one. It was like, ironed on.

[C]

Was it a player or did it have your name?

[B]

No, it was blank. No name.

[C]

The blank is tough. Blank is rough.

[B]

It just proportionally doesn't look right on the back. Like something's missing.

[C]

When you see someone with a jersey and they flip around and there's nothing on the back.

[A]

Double zero. Yeah. It's brutal. Brutal.

[C]

No. So this is. It's a officially licensed team gear. They were all out of jersey, sold out of jersey. So I went next best. This is about $175 sweatshirt right here.

[B]

Dirt bag thing. Drop the price.

[C]

Yeah. So this is authentic. I've had it on for four days straight. I'm taking the colors back for the good guys. But I had an incident yesterday. We were at Starbucks, Sarah and I and the baby and the lady selling the coffee had, like, a sexy accent, and her name was like, L E, R, A, which is a little unusual.

[B]

L, E, R, A, Z.

[C]

So I said, how do you know? And she said, she's like. Said like a. She gave it a little. I said, O.

[B]

Where.

[C]

Where are you from? And she's like, what country do you mean?

[B]

And I was like, now, where do you bury you?

[C]

Yeah, yeah. What's your address? And she said, what part of Queens

[A]

do you live in?

[C]

She said, I was born in Russia, but she looked timid and weird. But I realized I'm wearing the USA

[B]

shirt like Robbie for.

[C]

She probably thinks I'm like, you look

[A]

like Homelander right now.

[C]

Where the fuck you from, lady? Let me see some papers. So I felt I had to let her know I'm one of the good guys in there.

[B]

Waving a flag. Yeah, she got a little nervous.

[A]

I'm not going to arrest you. I'm just making conversation. Don't worry.

[C]

I love America. I'm just flirting with a hot Russian chick in front of my wife. Let her know, you know.

[A]

Sure, yeah.

[C]

Show a little respect. Or else I'll be. Now, Lira, off to Leningrad.

[B]

Will you wear that later on? Or is that purely for the tournament, for the Olympic, or are you going to wear that?

[C]

This isn't coming off, baby. If we win gold, you'll never see me out of this again.

[A]

You'll wear that doing spots.

[C]

I thought about it last night. It's a big move.

[B]

Filmmaker clip it. That's got some views on it.

[C]

It's a big move. You have to address it. I can't just come out and be like, hey, who gets nervous at night? I got. You got to address it in America. But I think Dane Cook, I saw him 20 years ago, he had a Bruins jersey on, and it was cool.

[B]

He's got some. Not that you don't, but he's got. You guys are different.

[C]

It's a lot. Yeah, he's different than everybody. I think I'll. I, I. Spots is tough, but I'm wearing it here.

[B]

Boom.

[C]

You got to let them know who you play for, you know, at the end of the day, we're all American, right? We all bleed trash. Now, is this. Is this classy or no?

[B]

No, It's.

[A]

You look a little. I'll be honest with you, it's.

[C]

What are you talking about? I got blue pants on too. That's kind of match the trashy. It's.

[B]

It's not trashy. It's trashy that you think it's classy. That's the problem.

[C]

I'm blown away here.

[B]

Oh, I'm blown.

[C]

This is. This is nice.

[A]

I'm not 100 and I don't mean to doubt you. I'm not 100% convinced that's official USA licensed Olympic Bro material.

[C]

I bought [e-mail]. okay, doggy. I mean, look at 47.

[B]

Yeah, that's.

[C]

Yeah, the Olympics started.

[B]

Or no, isn't that new? Error.

[C]

Yeah, new era. Yeah, it's a new era. This is.

[B]

He bought that. He bought that on Canal Street.

[C]

This is quality Jamaican guy. Quality stuff. I'll show you the receipt.

[A]

It's cotton, right? Like, it's like sweatshirt.

[C]

It's very hot.

[B]

It's a thin layer of gabardine.

[C]

Does not breathe. I can tell you that I'm dying over here. I wanted to look good for the party. I'm schwitzing over here. But we got a good team. We're gonna win gold. I don't know when this comes out. They probably lost.

[A]

But you're excited about the Olympics. I like that.

[C]

I like the hockey. I like the hockey.

[A]

I didn't even know they were going on. Except for Jake Paul's wife, the ice skater that I saw.

[C]

I don't know who that is.

[B]

She's the hot Norwegian broad or something. Scandinavian. Netherlands.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She's Dutch and she's like a very hot speed skater.

[C]

Oh, wow. I've seen a lot of. A lot of the ice dancing, whatever you call figure skating. There's some real hot numbers in there. Yeah, and they're clad.

[A]

That used to be so big. Like, I remember watching that as a kid. Like not watching the rest of the Olympics when those things were on. Everybody was glued to the tv.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Christy Yamaguchi.

[A]

Yamaguchi, yeah.

[C]

Tara Lipinski, Brian Boitano. Did I ever tell you my Scott Hamilton story? Oh, it's Scott Hamilton. You know Scott Hamilton, the blonde headed guy, right? He's got horseshoe bald. He's like the most famous American skater.

[A]

Right? He's an announcer and he does.

[C]

He did backflip when we were kids. He was still skating. Well, this is horrible. So you guys are familiar with Tuesdays with Stories? You know, the podcast.

[A]

Great podcast.

[B]

I'm a Tuesday myself.

[C]

You know how we do? You know, you say, hey, jizz, and whatever. And so I got to meet Scott Hamilton one time. I did a corporate for the Nashville Predators. And I grew up in the 80s, loving figure skating. And Scott Hamilton, he was cool. He did backflips.

[B]

Real cool guy.

[C]

He's like 5 4, he's balding, he skates, he's cool, he's exciting. He's Mr. Panache. So anyways, I got to meet him, and then I was telling Mark the story, but he's never heard of Scott Hamilton. So I told him. All this reverence I have, but in the fashion of Tuesdays with stories. So I was like, he's a big bald homo, eats, come and did this whole thing. And then some fan of ours knows Scott Hamilton. He's like. I told him, listen to the pod.

[B]

What?

[C]

And he goes, you don't do that. He's like. He waits on him regularly. And then he saw him again. He's like, did you listen to that? He goes, yeah, I listened to it. Not. Not my cup of tea. So Scott Hamilton, one of my boyhood idols, listened to me, and who knows what Mark said? I mean, Mark is 100 times worse than I am. And so it was just two guys being like, oh, he eats goo. He loves whatever. And they listened to it. So now I can't ever see Scott Hamilton again. I thought we had something that.

[B]

I mean, that's. The fact that I got back to Scott Hamilton is insane. You think like somebody in the industry, an actor, a musician, something.

[C]

Yeah, no, he. He listened. And I just picture him sitting there and being like, what the fuck? Yeah. He's like, they're calling me ugly and gay. I don't even think he's gay. I think he's got to be. No, I don't know.

[B]

That's a lot of panache for a straight guy.

[C]

Yeah, that's what's so cool about him.

[B]

Married since 2002.

[A]

No kidding.

[B]

To a woman, Tracy Hamilton. Tracy is androgynous, though. That can go either way.

[C]

That's a good point.

[B]

Wonderful looking woman, nice little blonde.

[A]

I wonder what kind of cash he makes. He does. Well, I heard the Olympic people, that they have regular jobs.

[B]

Oh, the Olympians do. Yeah. Because the thing about Olympians is they can't be professionals, right?

[C]

Yeah, but a lot of times.

[B]

What?

[C]

Scotty Hamilton's, like, iconic. He does the thing. I think he does corporate stuff. I don't know.

[B]

I mean, to the moon.

[C]

Let's get an estimated net worth.

[A]

$12 million. I'm gonna say 22. He does on a broadcast.

[C]

I'm gonna say 15.5 million.

[A]

Four and a half million.

[B]

That's crazy.

[C]

I don't know. You maybe think he had a day job a second ago.

[A]

Keep kicking this guy when he's down.

[B]

List estimated net worth, around 9 million to 30 million.

[C]

Okay, that's a big window. But this thing also thinks I have 4 million.

[B]

Does it?

[C]

Yeah, something like that. I mean, I have some money, obviously.

[B]

That's a 170 on me. You went down a little bit. You went down 2 million at ha.

[C]

Got some pull. Hey, you guys want some of these? I'll get you some of these. You want one? What's your team?

[A]

That 2 million is not accurate at all. Like to know what you're holding. You're a saver.

[C]

I'd rather not get into it. Those files are sealed. I live in Battery Park City. It's not easy down there. Are you kidding?

[B]

He's rich, Foley. He's rich.

[C]

It's a lot.

[A]

You've always been somewhat smart with money, though, right?

[C]

I don't know. Not really. Can I tell you something? I shouldn't say this publicly. I am missing a very large chunk of money right now because I have an investor guy, he's one of these, got a Long island accent. He's like, you got to send me your money, brother. You got all your money in a savings account, you fuck. I'm actually stupid with money because I have, like, all my money in a savings account, and everyone I talk to is like, you're a big idiot.

[A]

No, that's good.

[C]

Yeah. No, I think that's not good. We're from the 80s. We think that's good.

[B]

I like mine sitting right where I can see, not giving it.

[C]

Some grease ball from really going.

[A]

The market's gonn crash and all that stuff. You keep it in the savings account

[C]

with my money, it pops back up. But anyways, this guy was like, hey, you gonna send me all your money? What are you doing? This should be in the market, working for you. And I was like, you're right, buddy. And I went to the bank, got a bank check for an undisclosed amount of money, mailed it to him. It's like, two weeks, I forgot about it. I mailed a check two weeks later. I'm like, hey, you never told me you got it. He's like, I haven't gotten that. And I'm like, and it's a bank check, so it comes out of the account. So I just got money just floating out there. He never got it. Hasn't gotten it.

[B]

I've had to do that with a rent. Like a certified rent check. It's hairy, but no, he can cash it.

[C]

They can't cash it. Yeah, it says my name on. It's written to me. So it's got it. They got to have a thing that says Joseph List. But there might be some Joe List walking around out there with a.

[A]

The checks written to you?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

A check you wrote to yourself?

[C]

Yeah, because he's got my account, right?

[B]

No, you wrote a check to him.

[C]

No, no, I wrote it to me.

[A]

What?

[C]

Because he has your account Handles my.

[B]

Right, right, right.

[C]

So somebody.

[B]

Well, now, who do you have in charge of looking into that? Shouldn't that be that guy's problem?

[C]

No, I gotta like call the bank or cancel. He's like, don't worry about it. They didn't take it. Don't worry.

[B]

But this guy has your money.

[A]

He totally took it.

[C]

He might have.

[A]

Kind of snowblower you got us mixed up with.

[C]

I'm fucked.

[B]

With all due respect. I'm gonna sit over there.

[C]

But the problem is I don't know. I don't know what to do. I called the bank, they don't answer. This is not 1985. Nobody's just answering phones over there. So what do I do?

[B]

It' Louis Pitt. Ever walk by the bank and see people in there? What are you doing in there? Cleaning.

[C]

So I don't. I don't know, I'm like.

[A]

Was this your first four way or four foray into investment?

[B]

Foray.

[A]

Foray.

[C]

No, I. I got some invest. I got some money in the thing. And I was. He was like, you should give me more money. He said, and I quote, give me all your money.

[A]

Where'd you meet this guy?

[C]

I don't know. Back of the Boston, Phoenix Yellow Pages. Okay.

[A]

I think, Okay.

[C]

I think the check either coming back or if it was check was this two weeks ago. It was about two weeks ago, but the US mail is up. It's not easy to get from Manhattan to Long Island.

[A]

It's like three days. What are you talking about?

[C]

Yeah, this is. As I'm saying this, I'm starting. Maybe I should check my email. I don't know, my phone.

[A]

Take the hockey sweater back, email you the check.

[B]

This guy don't know what's going on.

[C]

No, no. He's supposed to email when he received. But I was probably bouncing back. I probably wrote the wrong and address. They're not getting fired with a check, right, Luke? It should have been There. One to three business days, Google saying no. But the mail is. You don't know.

[A]

The mail never ends. They can wipe your name off of it and put another name on there.

[C]

But if that's. But the problem is, I can't see if it's Cat. I can go to the bank and then they can check to see if it's been presented. Yeah, yeah, you're fine. I think I'll be all right.

[B]

Luke got this.

[A]

Yikes.

[B]

Bad.

[C]

Yeah, it's real bad.

[A]

Got a whale sitting here. What are we doing?

[C]

It's a chunk. I can say that.

[B]

Good for you.

[C]

Yeah, it's trouble. Yeah, I'm doing okay.

[B]

You know, guy tries to invest and loses the check. The world's worst investor.

[C]

No.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

The short answer is I'm bad. I mean, I order McDonald's delivered every day. I get like, $50 McDonald's sent to me.

[B]

What's that order looking like?

[C]

Double Quarter Pounder cheese. No ketchup. I mean, I. Ketchup only just for you.

[B]

You're not ordering for the house? No.

[A]

Is this lunch?

[B]

You're a bit of a lone wolf when it comes to lunch.

[C]

Usually lunch. Yeah. Yeah. Sarah's in there cooking up a meal. Broccoli, the whole thing. And I get McDonald's right over.

[B]

That's all you got?

[C]

Chick fil A yesterday.

[A]

No onions on the Quarter Pounder.

[C]

No, no, no. I'm eating over here. No.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I go plain beef, cheese bun, ketchup. Double fries.

[A]

Double fries.

[C]

Yeah. Two large fries. Well, my son eats a couple, and I want to make sure I have all the fries. Two large fries, one large, one medium.

[A]

Really?

[C]

Yeah. One and a half, 1.5. Yeah. Pretty good.

[A]

Any kickers on the side? No, no kicker, no appetizers, no nothing.

[C]

I go to Starbucks, get a brownie afterwards. Gentlemen, I know how to live.

[A]

You do. You're doing all right.

[C]

I'm doing all right. I'm a little fat in the waist, but I work out. And I got a big sweater. I've got the big sweater.

[A]

I think List is losing it.

[C]

Oh, I'm losing it, baby. There's a lot going on here. AI and the things and the comedy.

[A]

You just said America was back two seconds ago.

[C]

We're. But, you know, the mail's up. I don't know what to do about the check. Now I'm up in my head. Is this bad?

[B]

No, you're okay.

[C]

No, they can't catch the check. And if I said to the bank, I'd say, hey, I don't know who this Is give me my money back. Don't they give you your money back for that?

[A]

Yeah, they'll figure it out.

[B]

I don't know.

[C]

I think.

[A]

Don't write it off.

[B]

All these big companies.

[A]

Kevin. Talk about pesty.

[B]

Shout out to Pesty.

[A]

Let's talk about pesty. Gang. Got a bug problem at the house. Do yourself a favor. Get a hold of Pesty. Pesty can help you get rid of over 100 types of bugs. We're talking from spiders to ants to roaches to scorpions. That's pretty impressive. You can handle scorpions.

[B]

He got some good stuff.

[A]

He got some good stuff.

[B]

Listen, you got scorpions. Use Pesty and then put your house for shot. You got to get out of here. You can't be having. Listen, I don't even say, if you got a bug problem, prevent it. Prevent the problem. Listen, bugs are icky. If you watch the show. You know, me and the big dog do not like creepy crawlers. Yeah, don't they?

[A]

Didn't they send you the thing and you went around the house and did the whole.

[B]

And listen, my wife got it. I honestly, we were. They. She got it before they were sponsored. I didn't know what it was. And I'm just going. This is gonna. I go, this is just gonna jam up my weekend. That's what this is. This. This has ruining Kippy's day written all over it. I have to say.

[A]

I got meatballs to eat.

[B]

Coolest thing I did. You mix it up, bing, bang, boom. You shake it up. It gives a little sprayer just right around the edge of the house.

[A]

I like that little spray.

[B]

And it's not even, like, odd. And you got a fumigate. You got to put the bug tarp on. It's like, I don't even know how long, but it ain't that long. You're out. You're. You're out moving again. It's easy peasy. Pesi gets rid of a hundred types of bugs. It's kid and pet friendly, which is big for me with the little kipirino and a Hansi Ponzi rolling around. Offer a hundred percent bug free guarantee or your money back. Keep the bugs away with pesty. Go to pesti.com ayg for 10% off your order. That's pesty. P-E-S-T-I.com a yg 10% off. Do it. Do it.

[A]

Camp. Let's talk about quints.

[B]

Shout out to Quint's gang. Gang.

[A]

A thoughtfully built wardrobe comes down to pieces. That mix well, and that last. And that is where Quint shines. Talking about premium fabrics. Fabrics considered design and everyday essentials that feel effortless to wear and dependable even as the seasons change.

[B]

Yes, guys, I am a Quince man. They were nice enough to send us a little promo code, Right. I go over there. I go, let me take a look at this. I wet my beak. I get a couple, two, three pairs of pants. And I tell you, they're my go tos. They're comfy. They're. And they're not that extra. They're not. They don't break the bank. They're affordable, comfortable, made. Well, not too cool. Not falling behind. Thoughtful. Nice. Good up the middle pants for an up the middle kind of guy. If you catch my chance. Up the middle kind of guy right now, go to quince.com garbage for free shipping and 365 day returns, which I gotta be honest with you, they honor. I had some sitting for like two, three months. I didn't send back. Whoop. Send it right back. Dunk it. No big deal. That's a full year to build your wardrobe and you'll love it. Right now. Available in Canada as well. Don't keep settling. For clothes that don't last, go to quince.com, q u I n c e.com garbage for free shipping. 365 Favorite tharnsquints.com garbage do it.

[C]

Do it.

[A]

Who's the bank? Chemical Bank. Who you with?

[B]

Td.

[C]

Chase Bank. Oh, this was TD, though. This was td.

[B]

I'm a TD man myself.

[C]

Yeah. You know why I joined td? Because they used to have the thing where you could dump the change in and it would go Penny Arcade. Yeah.

[B]

They were skimming the whole time. Yeah. For decades they were skimming that, which I'm okay with because I need the cash.

[C]

That's how I felt. And also I just wanted to get rid of my change and they took it. So that's why I joined td. But then now I don't.

[A]

They got rid of it.

[B]

That was as a poor comic. That would save you once they got rid of that. They got rid of that when we were in New York and it was like, Yeah. I remember having going to the Bronx to find a Coin Star.

[A]

Yeah. At the supermarket.

[B]

And then you would get there to go, how you go, I need to use the Coin Star? And they go, well, how much are you dumping in? And you have to like hold up like a coffee can and be like $32.

[C]

And they're like, okay, well, in TD, you could guess the amount. If you got it right, they'd give you a prize, too, which was fun. One time, Sarah sat and rolled all my quarter, and it was like 180 bucks. And then she got to take it because she just rolled them.

[B]

What?

[C]

I was like, I don't want to roll them.

[A]

I would never do that.

[B]

Do you have a change collection now, like a change jar?

[C]

Oh, yeah. We have a piggy bank. We have a son, so we piggy

[B]

bank it up like a proper piggy bank.

[C]

Oh, yeah. It's a silver pig in his room. No, it's in the living room.

[B]

On this backup investment.

[C]

It's an apartment.

[A]

What kind of cash you got in there?

[C]

There's some bills in there, too. I would say there's probably 38 bucks in there, if I had to guess, because there's some bills now.

[A]

Who gets their hands on that?

[C]

You got to have bills. Bills, paper money. I don't know. I guess. I guess it could be his. I don't know. Sarah's like, I'm gonna take all your spot pay and make an account for him. I'm like, he's two. What are you talking about? That's my money.

[A]

Take your spot pay.

[C]

What the fuck? He doesn't need it.

[B]

These broads and they're greedy.

[C]

Their ideas.

[B]

Yeah, I got a quit. Did you open. As if we're talking about investment. Did you open up your. The. I don't know if you get it, actually.

[C]

I think your son was already born New York saves.

[B]

No, the account. The. You get the U.S. federal account.

[C]

Oh, the Trump thing.

[A]

War bonds.

[C]

I don't know about.

[B]

I qualify, I put a thousand bucks.

[A]

What is it? What are you talking about?

[B]

I don't know. Luke will tell you. I texted our manager. I said, hey, make this happen.

[A]

How do I get in on this?

[B]

You got to have a kid within, like, a certain year.

[C]

Get a kid.

[B]

It's a good time.

[C]

It's fun.

[A]

Can I have his Social Security number?

[C]

No. The other day, I farted in it. My son said, God bless you. Come on, that's class. He said, God bless you, daddy.

[B]

You also had sent me a video one time of your kid playing scratchers.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He loves them. He loves a scratch ticket.

[B]

That's what I asked. I asked you. One of the things we asked is. Is this. Would you say the classiest thing you've done is buy. Invest $175 of your money into a sweater?

[C]

Yeah, I went full non knockoff. I mean, but now I'm getting pushback that this isn't classy. I think this is as classy as it gets. It's as classy as I get.

[A]

Real David Putty vibes.

[B]

Yeah, you gotta support the team.

[C]

All signs point to yes. Will America win gold?

[B]

Oh, we should have got you a fucking eight ball jacket.

[A]

Damn it.

[C]

God. Don't look pricey.

[A]

The snafu with the check notwithstanding, when you did do that little process, did you feel like an adult when you were doing that?

[C]

I felt like a million bucks or a quarter of a million bucks going

[A]

in to get the check.

[C]

And I had to say to the lady, and I have to whisper because, you know, I'm a working class guy originally sitting here on her $70 shirt. So now I'm through the stratosphere. I left my family behind, but I was in there and I go, hey, I need to write a check for myself. And she's like, okay, how much? And I was like, is this at

[A]

the table or at the. At the window?

[C]

This is at the counter, like right at the thing.

[A]

They didn't bring me over.

[C]

Well, I think they didn't know what kind of numbers I was gonna throw at them. And then I think they were a little bummed out too, because I was taking almost 100% of my money in there, out of there. And now it's just. It's in the clouds, Jerry. I don't know where it is.

[B]

You'll be okay.

[A]

Yeah, you'd be fine.

[C]

I mean, I could buy a house in some places in the United States with this amount of money.

[A]

Really?

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

I didn't know that.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Very nice.

[C]

It's. It's. Yeah, it's a little nerve wracking a

[A]

little bit of cash.

[C]

I'll get it back.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Get it back and then what? We've lost.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Google says you're safe unless a really smart person gets that check.

[C]

Well, also, it's like, who's like, opening an envelope? Like, they open. It's in the blue. It's in the box.

[A]

Wait, is that what you did? You put it in a box on the street? Yeah. Jesus Christ.

[C]

Not good.

[B]

No.

[A]

Dude, what are you doing? First of all, you should have wired it to the guy.

[C]

I know, because last time I tried to wire, I can't. My rods and cones are all screwed up.

[B]

You need to miss their pants.

[C]

I don't know how to wire. Seriously. Last time I tried to wire, it was a whole to do. I'd rather just write a check. I'm from the 80s dog, I gotta. I gotta look at the shirt.

[A]

I want to look a guy in the eye and shake his hand.

[C]

I've tried to wire. I can't wire.

[A]

First of all, that guy should have been the one taking it out of your account. You give me your information and he takes it out.

[C]

Well, he can do that with Chase, because he works for Chase. With Chase. So he did that with my Chase. Don't worry. He's gotten all my money. Don't worry.

[B]

Multiple accounts. You're chasing this guy for a while.

[C]

That's bad news. But he talks in a way that you're like, holy shit, this is good.

[A]

Oh, you coming a mile away.

[C]

He go. He goes, Norm, I got Norman hooked up with him, too.

[B]

Oh, my God. Yeah, you guys are getting fleeced.

[C]

He's. It's Bad News Bears. But he's got the accent. It's a.

[A]

Did he say what, he's gonna put it in t bills pocket?

[C]

No, but he told me. I've been with him for 10 years, this guy, and he gave me the original amount and the current amount, and it's.

[A]

There you go.

[C]

Yeah, I've got like 80% more.

[A]

Get out of here.

[C]

Although I do keep putting more money.

[B]

Yeah, that's. It's your money you've put in there. It's not like a piggy bank.

[C]

Jesus Christ. You guys are getting in my head. You guys get investment guys.

[A]

No, I'm busted. Idiot. What do you mean, bad with money? He's broke.

[C]

Oh, boy. You can't be broke.

[B]

You would think.

[C]

Get out of here. Hawk some of this stuff. You got three guys working for you. Fire two of them. I can pick the two.

[B]

By the way, who would go, we're

[C]

keeping the guy that looks kind of like me. Yeah, I like that guy.

[B]

The shark and pants are going.

[C]

Shark is out. Pants is no good. His pants are too big.

[A]

We just bought this new table.

[B]

Pressing the new table.

[C]

I think it's pine.

[A]

It's wobbling, by the way.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, boy.

[A]

Did you know that the whole place is going?

[B]

Going to. The boys have jammed the up over here.

[A]

Yeah, we're all jammed.

[C]

No, I felt classy with this. How about this for you? Want to hear some class?

[A]

Please.

[C]

Now, this is just. I mean, I don't mean to be braggadocious here, but I just did cobbs out in San Francisco. Great club. That is the most underrated. That's the best city in America. It's beautiful.

[A]

San Fran as a city.

[C]

I love it.

[B]

Dump.

[C]

You're out of your mind. Well, you got to go to the right places. Go to the marina district, North Beach. I mean, if you go to the. You know, the tenderloin, it's. It's pretty dice.

[B]

They did hit the spy store. They have the international spy store there.

[C]

I like that.

[B]

That's not bad, right? Spies.

[C]

All right.

[A]

I like the wharf or whatever it is. The piers, they're nice.

[C]

Fantastic.

[A]

Good restaurants.

[B]

That was nice. There's that. They have that really big food, that nice food hall. Water did that.

[C]

North beach is incredible. It's. It's beautiful. Golden Gate, the whole thing.

[A]

But you don't eat that stuff. You don't eat anything out there, do you?

[C]

Well, north beach is literally.

[B]

They got McDonald's out there.

[C]

I go all Little Italy. It's all pasta. Pasta, chicken parm, pizza.

[A]

No seafood.

[C]

I like seafood.

[A]

You do?

[C]

I eat seafood.

[A]

You ever have cioppino?

[C]

I don't know what that is. I have chipotle.

[A]

It's an Italian. It's an Italian stew they make with fish out in San Francisco.

[C]

No, I don't know. The stew.

[B]

It's not up your alley.

[C]

It doesn't sound good.

[A]

Good stuff.

[C]

I don't want an Italian stew.

[B]

It looks like a cartoon stew. You know what I mean? Like, a hobo would make with, like, a fishbone in it.

[C]

Yeah, I don't care for that.

[A]

It's delicious.

[C]

But so I was. I did cobbs, and then I had Matt Wayne open it for me. And then there was a young lady emceeing. She's from Sacramento. She didn't want to drive back and forth, so she got a hotel end of the week. I did. Okay. Paid for that hotel. Look at you. That's pretty good. That's a classy guy.

[B]

How did you execute this? Did you go, hey, how much is the hotel?

[C]

I said, if you pay your tits right now, okay, I send you. I mail you a check. You get it in three to four weeks. One tit, one night. No, I said after. After the weekend. I say, hey, what's your Venmo? You shouldn't lose money to work for the. The old king of content. And she said, oh, my God. And then I sent her the money, and she said, oh, I'm gonna quit my job. You're the greatest. I never got it. Go ahead and tell everybody on earth. That would be great. And. Yeah. And then she said, it bounced. So that's classic.

[A]

That's a classy move.

[C]

Now, if it was a man, would I have done it? Absolutely not. But, you know, my wife dies I get. Got something on the horizon.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

Planting the seeds.

[C]

Yeah, you gotta do it thinking ahead.

[B]

Baby's gonna need a stepmom.

[A]

Of course.

[B]

Huh.

[A]

I respect it.

[B]

It would have been trashy. If you're like, can I see a receipt? How much was it? A night like that's not. That's tacky.

[C]

Well, here's where it's trashy. I probably didn't got on a podcast

[B]

and told 250,000 people about.

[C]

I probably didn't cover the low boulder. Yeah. No, I gave her a couple. A few hundi.

[A]

Yeah, that'll. How many nights?

[C]

Well, it was three nights hotel. But this day nowadays it's getting dicey as it gets. It was probably like $800 in hotel and I paid for than that, you know.

[B]

But yeah, send her 300, 250, 80 bucks.

[C]

I gave her 60 bucks in a handshake. That's some advice.

[A]

60.

[C]

I gave her a 60. I told her it was a few hundred bucks. That's good. Yeah, that's. That's classy.

[B]

No, that's. That's very. You gotta sweet. You're sweet in the pot.

[C]

And then the next day I got upgraded to Delta 1.

[B]

Very.

[C]

How do you like that?

[A]

Not too sure.

[C]

And they were trying to get me to spend two grand to upgrade from the ticket. I already bought an $800 ticket. Two grand to upgrade to Delta 1. I rolled the dice and got the last spot. What do you think about that?

[B]

Love to see it.

[A]

This guy's playing the market. Yeah, you are ten moves ahead.

[C]

I saved two grand. I lost 275,000, but I got two grand. Is that what it was in that neighborhood?

[A]

Get the fuck out.

[C]

It's my entire savings.

[A]

Wow. Joe List.

[C]

Yeah. I took my savings account.

[B]

I don't think I could be friends with you anymore.

[C]

I took a savings account, wrote it down on a check, put it in the US Mail and have not seen it in three weeks.

[A]

They're putting it in the blue box on the street.

[C]

I thought the blue box was secure. What nuts. How do you get in there? You can't get in there.

[B]

I don't know, man. It's New York.

[A]

I don't even. Anybody picks that stuff up.

[C]

Yeah, there's a little. There's a key. The guy works for the government, trustworthy. He comes in with a key and he opens it. It's a lockbox.

[B]

You should've just got like a carrier, sir. It would have been like 80 bucks.

[C]

Listen, I'm paying for the MC. I go to Starbucks every day. I got equal. I can't afford this crap.

[A]

I don't know if I've ever. I don't know if I've ever used a blue mailbox on the street.

[C]

What do you do? I don't get it. Luke, help me out here. You're my buddy.

[B]

You put it in.

[A]

You put it in your mailbox and leave the mailbox open. Or put the little flag up so the mailman knows to take it.

[B]

Should have left it. You should have left it with your doorman.

[C]

Hey.

[A]

Yes. Doorman building.

[B]

That's classic.

[A]

Did you wear a suit when you walked into the bank like Andy Dufresne

[B]

or give it to them? Hey, put this. Your outgoing male.

[A]

Oh, my God. That would have been so class.

[C]

Why does the suit fit, though? Doesn't make any sense. Big flaw in that movie.

[A]

Whose suit was it? Was it.

[C]

You're in the warden's.

[B]

Yeah, he's wearing the warden's clothes.

[C]

He's, like, seven feet tall.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Geez. The shoes fit and the pants fit.

[A]

List.

[C]

That dog don't hunt.

[A]

Damn. Just ruined it. Was it definitely his suit?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, it was his. Yeah. Shooting his suit and his shoes.

[C]

Yeah. Huh.

[A]

Well, son of a bitch.

[C]

Yeah. Few other problems of that movie, too.

[B]

Well, just keep them yourself.

[A]

Lay it on.

[C]

I don't want to fuck you.

[A]

Now hit us.

[C]

Well, one thing that happens is when he throws the rock to reveal the hole in the thing. Mm. The poster would have to be pulled taut for it to rip.

[B]

Yeah. How did he get tight?

[C]

Like, the poster would have to be tight for it to rip through, but he left under it, so that doesn't make sense. It would be undone on the bottom. It wouldn't rip.

[B]

I would assume with enough. You can make the argument with enough force, it could go through.

[C]

I mean, you have to have fucking Roger Clemens in 86 throwing that rock.

[B]

If you.

[A]

If you watch it out of context, it's always a shock when Morgan Freeman leans his head into that shot. It's like, why is he in the cell? Right.

[C]

Yeah, there's. There's that. I mean, also. Oh. The other one is when he breaks through the. The pipe, it explodes as though it's pressurized.

[A]

Right.

[C]

So how does he crawl out of there? When he's crawling, It's. It's empty.

[A]

Because it all spewed out.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

The pressure 100% of it shot out of there. The whole pipe. It's, like, miles long.

[B]

Also, that. That's a. That pipe shouldn't be. That wouldn't Be pressurized, I don't think.

[C]

Pressurized with shit. I mean, that is, like, so much diarrhea.

[B]

Or is that a lot of poop?

[A]

I would have never made it through that.

[C]

No. I would just go back in and be like, yeah. Plus, he's like, got it kind of nice now. He's. He's like. He's working there.

[B]

Got a good game.

[A]

Doing all right. Yeah, the sisters got taken care of. He's got Hadley all straightened out.

[C]

And of course, the biggest flaw in Family Guy discussed this also and made some great jokes about it. But, like, he's been in prison for 20 years. How does he know there's not a mall where he tells him to meet? He's like, there's a rock wall in Buxton. You go along the wall, there's a big oak tree, and you're like, he's been gone for literally 20 years.

[A]

Could be a subdivision.

[C]

He could go there and be like, ah, shit, it's a Sephora. Fuck.

[A]

Well, I guess I'll head on back to prison.

[C]

He's like, damn it. He's never gonna be able to find me. Me.

[A]

I'll give you that. There's no way that he would have been able to remember all those instructions and find that no Morgan Freeman, when he.

[B]

That's what I'm saying.

[C]

And say what?

[B]

Tnea San Juan.

[C]

And how do you even spell that? I've seen the movie 300 times. I still don't know how to spell. Say one. This guy's an uneducated convict. He's like, oh, say what today? That must be Z, I, H, J. I wouldn't know.

[A]

If that was us, we never would have found each other.

[B]

Yeah. No.

[A]

Be wandering around.

[B]

He's stuck in the pipe.

[C]

What are you gonna do? It's a great film.

[B]

All right, let's get Frank Darabont. Let's garbage. Questions, please. Let's see here. This one's from Kippy's classmate, the horse. Ten Dollar Homie. You ever play a sport using a ball? Not from that sport. As a kid, basketballs were always flat at recess, so we always use a kickball or soccer ball to shoot hoops. No one made shit.

[C]

Oh, we did a lot of floor hockey with tennis ball. Tennis ball? Hockey on the street. Hockey with tennis balls. Yeah, that was classic.

[B]

You can always get a bad bounce on those things. And we go, like, nine houses. Bounces down, though.

[A]

The volleyball was always a good substitute for basketball.

[C]

Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I feel you. I think the other way around. Volleyball with a basketball.

[B]

That'll.

[C]

That'll.

[B]

You spike it.

[C]

That'll ruin your life.

[A]

We used to love playing wiffle ball with a tennis ball. Like a wiffle ball bat and a tennis ball.

[C]

We did aluminum bat with a tennis ball. Yeah, that was big. That was. All of our. Baseball was with a tennis ball.

[A]

Crush it.

[C]

It was fun.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Did you do like, the open up the wiffle ball bat stuff? Wet newspaper in there?

[C]

Oh, yeah, we taped it.

[A]

Put the electrical.

[C]

Oh, yeah, we did that too. Yeah, that was fun.

[A]

Let me ask you this. What is the official wiffle ball bat? The yellow one, I think.

[C]

The yellow skinny. Yeah, you gotta go yellow skinny with the cardboard holding the wiffle ball.

[B]

I don't even think it's close.

[C]

What are you. What are you.

[A]

It's that for sure. But whenever you played wiffle ball, there was always some that had like a fat one.

[C]

The big red one.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

That's what that movie's about. Wiffle ball, big red one. You guys know that movie?

[B]

I don't know.

[C]

This isn't a classy group.

[A]

It's a war movie. I know the big red one.

[C]

Yeah, of course.

[A]

Bastogne, Battle of the Bulge, Dirty Dozen.

[C]

Okay. Nice flex. Yeah. What, do you love America more than me? You trying to tell me you love the USA more?

[A]

Kevin's. Talk about Cigars International.

[B]

Cigars International.

[A]

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[C]

Mm.

[B]

Cigars International offers unbeatable deals and discounts, making it easy to stock up on your favorites or try something new without breaking a bank. Let you do a little bit of discovery, you know what I mean? They got fast shipping and their 100% satisfaction guarantee. You can shop with confidence knowing it. Cigars International stands behind every order. They have a good relationship with the vendors to help you get low, low prices. Cigars International offers free everyday shipping. No minimums, no limits. Just shop, check out, enjoy the free delivery on every order, baby. Free to live. That's what we're talking about right now. You get 20% off your order of $50 or more plus free shipping on your entire order. Some exclusions apply. Use the code garbage at checkout for 20% off your order of $50 or more plus free shipping or visit www.carsinternational.com. garbage.

[C]

Garbage.

[B]

And the discount will automatically apply.

[A]

Do it, Ru. Garbage is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible financial geniuses, monetary magicians. These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and save hundreds.

[B]

Because Progressive offers discounts for paying in full, owning a home, and more. Plus, you can count on their great customer service to help you when you need it. So your dollar goes a long way. Visit progressive.com to see if you could save on car insurance, Progressive Casualty Insurance company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states or situations. Yeah, I bet the kickball or bat that never fucking worked. And they could also. Yeah, it's brutal.

[A]

I like a kickball.

[C]

I love a kick.

[A]

Kickball's underrated.

[C]

Maybe you could do kickball with a soccer ball. I'm pretty sure I've done.

[A]

Yeah, that's all right.

[B]

Sure you can get.

[C]

That's not horrible.

[B]

You can never kick a basketballs don't kick. No trying to kick basketball. It pings real fucking hard.

[A]

Yeah, they stink.

[B]

All right, let's see here. This is from Suli. $10 Canadian bozo here is it garbage if you and the other groomsmen have pizza. Oh, man, I'm all choked.

[C]

Emotional.

[A]

She's going through puberty.

[B]

I know. Have you and the other groomsmen have pizza delivered to the church while you're waiting for the groom to walk down the aisle?

[A]

That's Joe List. What do you think?

[B]

That seems like someone, something in your family would do, though, if I'm being honest.

[C]

I mean, look who you're talking to here. We're all pizza. Every wedding. In fact, one of the reason. Oh, yeah. After my wedding, like the receptionee, you have the reception, whatever. When that's over, we all pizza. Like stacks of pizza. Yeah, that's a classy move, big pizza guy. So I think delivering pizza, you're always hungry, you're nervous. Also, everyone's drinking from a flask in the wedding party. Everyone's got a flask in their jacket. So you getting boozed up. You don't want to get too drunk. It's classy where I come from.

[A]

Yeah, I'm going to give it to him. I like it.

[C]

Yeah, we were always.

[B]

Philly was always very, you know, you would do like the. If you were in the wedding, you would go to the ceremony and then like the party, you know, all the groomsmen and grooms, bridesmaids or whatever would get on like a bus or something to go take pictures. And on that bus there would be a bunch of coolers with booze. And soft pretzels.

[C]

Oh, that's classic.

[A]

Did you do the trolley in Philly? They have this one trolley that they all use.

[C]

Yeah. No trolley over here.

[A]

You might use a duck boat in Boston.

[C]

That's big bucks. If I. I mean, if I could find that check, maybe. We'll see.

[A]

Is the. The place that you have now, Is this the newest, nicest apartment you've. You've been in, right?

[B]

Has to be.

[C]

It's the nicest, but it's smaller than my old apartment. I had a great apartment in Astoria. This is much smaller, but a nicer building, Nicer location.

[A]

Got the doorman.

[C]

Got a doorman. We got a blue balcony. We got. We're by the water. It's pretty close.

[A]

You got a pool?

[C]

We don't have a pool, but our neighbor, Karen Feehan, our best bud, she's

[A]

got a pool in her building.

[C]

Yeah, that we.

[A]

Can you go over there?

[C]

We do.

[A]

Do you wear the. Do you wear the hockey sweater?

[C]

No, no.

[A]

She.

[C]

She sets us up. She pays. And then we're always like, we'll pay you back. But then she. We don't.

[B]

Dirt bag. Sneaking his family over to another hockey.

[C]

And then everyone. All the people at the pool are like, which building do you live in? We're like, building the building. Don't worry about it. Yeah, we're here.

[A]

That's pretty nice. You got a nice view, though.

[C]

It's a nice view. And we got. Yeah, it's awesome.

[B]

You got a parking garage with the apartment?

[C]

Not with it. No. I have to pay for that, too. They really suck you dry in this town.

[B]

You got the car in there at night?

[C]

I have. Well, currently, I don't have a car. My car. Now you want to talk family? My car. I drove to Massachusetts to see the family. My check engine light came on. My father's like, you got to get that checked out. You better get that checked out.

[A]

I just freak out about that.

[C]

So I went in. They're like, you need a new transmission.

[B]

What?

[C]

They ended up paying for the train.

[A]

The.

[C]

The car company did because it's only like 50,000 miles. Nissan famously bad transmissions. They. They covered it, but it was going to take days, so I had to take the train back or rented a car, came back. Now my car is in Massachusetts. I can't get it back. I told my parents, why don't you come down to visit the baby? Drive the car down there. You go see the baby. I'll buy you dinner, take the bus back home. And they go, yeah.

[A]

How do they get Home.

[C]

They take a bus.

[A]

Talk about a flaw in the movie.

[C]

They take the train. But they won't drive in the city. They can't drive in the city. They won't drive in the city.

[B]

My mom from Philadelphia, 90 minutes away.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Would never even think of attempting it.

[C]

No. She's like, we can't do it.

[B]

A bridge, a tunnel. Get the fuck out of here.

[A]

Yes, gang. We got a brand new merch alert. And we've kicked it up a notch, baby.

[B]

Achie machi, Kippy. Show em we got hats. Boom. Hit them with the ayg.

[A]

Look at that ayg hat quality.

[B]

We got a classic Bernie's dad hat.

[A]

We got comfort colors, tees, upgraded the

[B]

tees, heavyweight tees for heavy weight white boys. We got Uncle Henry's menswear. We got Kippy's racing T shirt Hippies racing tees. We got the Bass pro shop knockoff. No big deal.

[A]

We got the Palm breakfast spot. Look at that. And send backs, gang.

[B]

And then get it for St. Patty's Day limited run. Kiss me, I'm trash. Sure, give it to it. Give it to a classy broad near you that's realize you are you garbage dot com.

[A]

Did you have to go to a Nissan dealership or just a regular mechanic?

[C]

I went to a dealership.

[B]

Did you buy new or used?

[C]

I bought it used. In. I bought a 2018 and 2020 cash.

[A]

Boom.

[B]

This guy's got 5,800 on him.

[A]

Cash, cash or a check?

[C]

A check.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

And I mailed it.

[B]

It'll be there in three to four months.

[C]

So. But I pulled a baller class move. I said I'm gonna pay. They were like, it's gonna be installments, whatever. Because they want you to have their hooks in you.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

And I said, no, no, I got. I got cash. And they said, oh, we don't do that. That. And I said to them, I write a check for $18,000 right now. You're not taking it. And they went, well, let me talk to the manager. And he came back and said, would love to take it. Yeah. It was the coolest I've ever been in my life. Yeah. I'm like, who's taking? Dude's turning away cash.

[A]

Crazy.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Also, I love you sitting across from a finance guy. I cut you a check for 18 grand.

[C]

Right now we can't do business with this sweatshirt. I had my money guy in my ear. He was telling me all the lines, like newman tell me, write him a check legally.

[B]

You have to take this. It's American currency.

[C]

But, yeah. So now my car, I. Now I'm paying for a garage with no car in it. My dad's driving it around. I got word from my sister. She's on the inside. She's like, you know, dad's driving your car?

[A]

He's driving the car up there, but won't drive it down here for you.

[C]

You're goddamn straight.

[B]

What's his day to day car?

[C]

He has no car. We got. We got problems.

[A]

My dad has no car.

[C]

Well, they. They share a car. Now he's got my car.

[A]

Your mom and dad have one car?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What kind of car is it?

[C]

It's like a Toyota. The CRV maybe, something like that. Some kind of thing at least. Yeah, it's. It's not.

[A]

They're both retired, though?

[C]

No, no, they're still working.

[A]

What?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

How do they get to work?

[C]

One drives the other one and then drives back.

[A]

No kidding.

[C]

Yeah, and it goes and picks her up. It's like. It's like a Norman Rockwell up there.

[B]

It's like Angela's ashes.

[C]

We got. Yeah, we got some. Some problems. I'd love to help them, but I'm living down in Manhattan. I'm drowning.

[B]

I'd love to help.

[C]

I just lost some of my money. I pick up the tab here.

[B]

Would you tell. Okay, here's the thing. Would you tell your parents you spent $170 on a sweatshirt?

[C]

Everyone, they. They. They know quality. When they. They know, this isn't Sears, baby. This ain't Sears and Roebuck.

[A]

Look at Joe walking around in his fancy sweater.

[C]

Yeah, I mean, yeah, they. They know. They get it.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Did you spoil them for Christmas this year?

[B]

Here? He's letting them use the car.

[C]

Yeah, I gave him a car, for Christ's sakes. No, we don't really do. I got him some gift cards. I got like a Home Depot. Depot for my dad. And then I got 100 gift card. But we. We try not to spend money because they spend the money on the kid, and then everybody's a little short on cash up there with you. Yeah.

[B]

Very nice.

[C]

It feels a little silly to be. Oh, here's this. Oh, I got you this.

[B]

Yeah, no, I. I agree with that. At a certain age and, you know.

[A]

Yeah, no, it's.

[C]

Yeah, it's tough.

[A]

It's not toys. I don't give a shit.

[C]

Right.

[B]

Hate it.

[C]

It's got to be something, like, special, some personal. Hey, I found this autographed Seinfeld script or something like that.

[A]

Yeah, that'd be.

[B]

You would like That I don't think your dad would be fucking chomping at the bits.

[C]

Well, if I found a Partridge Family script and gave it to her, you know. Sure.

[B]

This one's about parents and cars as well. This is from Chris. Is it garbage if your mom was the. Is the primary driver even when your dad's in the car? That's a tough look.

[C]

I mean, I never saw that my dad could drink 450 Captain Cokes. He's driving the car. I have never once, ever in my life seen my father in the passenger seat.

[B]

I've been in the car, and I want to admit I have had stepmom, you know, two sets of parents, and I want to admit who it was. But the gentleman had said to the lady, I'm okay. I got it. I was in the backseat, like, I don't think we're okay. I don't think has it.

[C]

No, no. My. I mean, I cannot even visualize my dad in the passenger seat with my mother driving.

[B]

I do it sometimes now because my wife doesn't drink. And I'll have a cocktail or two.

[C]

Sure.

[A]

Which then get all fucked up.

[B]

I'll get all fucked up. Not really. But even if I have, like two, you know, we just went out for our anniversary. Yeah. It's like, why am I gonna drive? Even with two beers, you know.

[C]

Sure.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Two Manhattans.

[C]

I mean, when I'm in Texas, Sarah will drive because it's her mother's car. So she'll drive around and she's. She's okay for a girl.

[A]

I respect that.

[C]

That's fine. Done. But then a lot of times, if we're going far, I'll.

[B]

I'll take the wheel I just got

[A]

of her mom's car.

[C]

Yeah. Once we get out of view, you'll

[A]

drive her mom's car.

[C]

Yeah, well, you know, I'm a man. These. These don't know what they're doing.

[B]

Not at all.

[C]

They don't know how to drive a car.

[A]

It's always odd when you're sitting in the passenger seat of your car.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. That's funky.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I mean, when I was drinking, I would do it all the time because I was never. This is always so funny to me. When I was drinking, I was never afraid of dying. I was only afraid of getting arrested.

[B]

100.

[C]

I don't get arrested. So I would give it to the drunkest person ever. I'm like, hey, you know, got arrested in my car.

[B]

Oh, I never did that. I liked Captain in the Ship.

[C]

Right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

One time We. We switched sides. My buddy was driving, and he was drunk. We pulled into a Denny's parking lot, and I wasn't drinking. And we just literally just went around the car real quick. And the cop was right behind us. And he's like, who's driving? And I was like. I was. It's like, no, you weren't. He was. I was like, nah. I was like, all right, sucker.

[C]

Nice.

[B]

Got him.

[A]

Told him to beat.

[C]

Beat it.

[B]

Beat it.

[C]

That's what that song's about. All right, cut that. That was worth in the Valentine's Day handy.

[A]

I hit the brakes on that. Sorry.

[B]

And nothing happened. You know what it is?

[C]

I'm too hot in this sweatshirt.

[B]

Take it off. We.

[C]

I got a bra on under this.

[B]

I got a new car. My wife keeps going, like, I came into work yesterday, and she's just like, oh, what's the. Cause you have a number at our lot. Like, you call and say, hey, I need car number 62 or whatever. And she's like, what's the number of the new car? And I'm like, yeah, schmooging or whatever. Like, I'm just. Because I don't want her driving the new car. I'm nervous. Her driving the new car.

[A]

Does she want to take it?

[B]

Yeah, she's like, I want to go to the grocery store. I want to go to Jersey. I want to go to the mall. I want to take the baby here. And I'm like, yeah, it's. You know, it's all the way in the back of the lot. You know, it's a whole thing.

[C]

It's all the way in the back of the car.

[B]

It's a big car. She's not used to the big cars. And it's in Manhattan.

[A]

You're insured.

[B]

I know.

[A]

I'm shocked. Usually pretty loose with that stuff.

[C]

Yeah, well, you get older, you buy that car now. I used to always. I only ever drove hand me down cars. A dead grandfather. A different dead grandfather. A dead grandmother. And then I would be like, who wants to drive my car? Take the car. I'd be throwing the keys around my back. And then I bought a car. Cash.

[A]

Don't touch it.

[C]

And now I'm like, nobody's driving my fucking car.

[B]

Yeah, there's like. There's value. Every car I ever had was like, smash. It was like, just a piece of shit. And I'm, yeah, who cares? Drive it around.

[A]

But now your dad's up there driving around in your car.

[C]

I know. I don't care for it. He's A nut too. And he likes to whack him back

[A]

with a new transmission too.

[C]

Brand new.

[A]

Probably humming.

[B]

Probably double clutching.

[A]

I didn't know. It's on a stick, is it?

[C]

No. God no.

[B]

Do you know how to drive stick?

[C]

I was taught to drive stick in a cemetery parking lot by Tom, Dustin and Tommy. So funny boy. And then he was like, I've never seen anyone pick up on this this fast. And then I was whizzing all around. He's like, it's crazy. He's like, seriously, I've never seen anything like.

[B]

He's the. The main stick teacher.

[C]

He's a big stick guy.

[B]

You know what I mean? No one ever in the history is there.

[C]

I cruised around and went around town and I was driving that stick like, you know a guy who drives stick you. And then. I've never driven stick since that. That was 18 years ago.

[B]

Go out on top, baby.

[C]

I think. Yeah, I mean, I think I. I could get it done, but it wouldn't be pretty, probably.

[A]

They still make them, right? Right?

[B]

It's like a few percent. It's like a couple of percent. My car in high school was stick. Yeah. Really?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

What was it?

[C]

Well, how far out of high school?

[B]

Honda. These are 26.

[A]

I'm 28, like 10 years ago.

[C]

Hot guy keeps getting hotter. That's why they keep me around. I'll pay for your hotel, little.

[A]

He's got five, two nights. That's it.

[B]

All right, let's see here. This one's just funny. It's just from doggy. Dingleberries. You ever poop in a winter coat? I think you got to take. Take the winter coat off if you're. If that's an away game, I gotta

[C]

tell you, I just did this.

[B]

So did I.

[C]

Like a few. I don't wanna say minutes ago, but I got like. Like two days ago at the airport. Literally two days ago.

[B]

You don't take the jacket off and hang. I'm afraid I poop on it.

[C]

There was no hook and it was a bit of an emergency. And I thought, should I put it on my suitcase? But it was like. It was. It was ready. It was rattling the cages.

[A]

How puffy of a winter coat are we talking?

[C]

Very puffy. Really big puff, huh? Yeah, puffed it.

[A]

How'd you wipe like that?

[C]

I just. I kind of pulled it up with the left hand and then wiped with the right hand. But I was nervous.

[B]

I would be nervous the rest of the day that I have shit on my.

[C]

Yeah, I mean, I'm nervous For that I do.

[B]

That's my. I. Sometimes I'll take pictures of my butt that. Make sure I got nothing going on there.

[A]

I poop in the lobby of my building a lot because it's crazy. It's a quiet little spot. Nobody goes in there. So, like, if I'm coming home.

[C]

That close to home, huh?

[B]

He'll leave the house.

[A]

Yeah. I'll go down there and do my business, you know, Take the elevator down, stretch my legs a little bit. It's quiet in there. It's bigger than my bathroom.

[C]

It's one of the craziest things. Really? Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, it's wild.

[C]

I don't like this.

[B]

And I doubt the neighbors are thrilled by it.

[A]

Nobody knows you're in there. Nobody uses it. There's two bathrooms in our building. No. One goes into one in the gym and one in the lobby. And I use them both.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Like an extended living room. But I went in there and I had my winter coat on. I was like, I gotta take this off.

[B]

It's like plain.

[C]

Hell, I think plain is putting something in my food. Tell my wife I'm in my office.

[B]

Office. Yeah. I don't know. I. I stopped trying to. I don't love doing away games. Are you okay with an away game?

[C]

I try to. I. At the gym if I have to, but I try to always at home. I like a really home. Yeah, same with the hotel on the road, I'm like, starbucks. I can't do it. I try not to do it. I can, but I don't want.

[A]

You'll shit in your hotel room.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah, that's what I mean. I got to get back to the hotel room.

[A]

Gotcha.

[B]

Oh, yeah, if you're on the road.

[C]

Yeah, but I just mean, like, I won't shit in the restaurant. I'll save it up 100 because I want to take the pants off. I want to get half a boner. Read whatever, watch YouTube.

[A]

I'm with you.

[C]

Have the shower as an option if things get hairy, you know what I mean? You get one of those rogue wipes that goes up the side. I got to get right in the

[A]

shower, buddy, you're speaking my language. My. My percentage of that is about, I don't know, 30%.

[C]

Yeah, same.

[A]

I'm getting in the shower after.

[B]

Yeah, that's. That's a high number.

[A]

I like to be fresh.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That bad?

[C]

You got a removable shower head?

[A]

No.

[C]

So what are you gonna do, like a. Like a lean and take a shower? I know, but how do you get up in the hole.

[B]

He puts his hand in there.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

What do you mean normal? The shower. The water comes down. I put my butt again towards the shower and I. I know, but you

[C]

get a removable shower head, you just jam that shower head right in there. Blast it out.

[A]

Sure, I guess.

[C]

Highly recommend.

[A]

Huh?

[C]

Huh.

[A]

Wait, when you do that, are you only washing your bottom? You're not. You're not taking a whole shower?

[C]

No, I take a whole shower, but then when it comes time for my. I. I put that shower head right in there. You guys know Luke, I'm with it.

[A]

You don't have a removable shower head.

[C]

Yeah, but if you do, if you do, that's trash.

[B]

It'd be going up my ass.

[A]

Yeah, removable shower head.

[B]

That's classy.

[C]

No, that's new ones.

[B]

I just got. I. I had to get a new bathroom and they're like big, and then the middle of it pops.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no, it's nice. And then they have adjustable.

[A]

I don't like the way you mean. It's on the. It's on like a post next to the.

[B]

That's classy too.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Move that up and down.

[A]

I can never work those though.

[B]

Yeah. You're not a sharp guy.

[A]

Nah. Kind of an idiot.

[C]

Okay, same. Hey, did you mail your entire savings to.

[B]

To yourself?

[C]

To a guy?

[A]

That I've never done. I couldn't imagine going into a bank and doing that.

[C]

I'm gonna, you know, I'm do. I'll leave here, I'm gonna go straight to the bank and say, hey, give me that money back. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

They can put a stop on it.

[A]

Yeah. Cancel the check in.

[B]

But like the. You have to wait a certain amount of time for it to clear again.

[A]

It's not gonna go right back in your account.

[B]

No, but at least no one will have it. It's just frozen.

[C]

Just feel like such a fuck up. Yeah, but that's what he told me to do. He's a money guy.

[B]

I don't trust these money guys should

[A]

have gave it to me.

[B]

I would have taken care of all this.

[A]

I'll put it on the market a little bit.

[C]

Yeah, he know. He knows what he's doing. I mean, this market. Gop.

[A]

What do you like?

[C]

Bitcoin? Whatever Savings account.

[B]

You can't lose.

[C]

No, you lose in a savings. Savings is bad. It goes down. You want your money working for you. Luke knows everything. This guy is smart as he looks.

[B]

A rich kid.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. He leaves it somewhere and doesn't touch

[C]

because it's it's compounding. You got to compound.

[A]

Compound interest on the principal.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

That annoys me.

[B]

Finance a little bit, Mr. Belding, is

[A]

that they use different words for words that we would know. You know what I mean?

[C]

They want to fuck you up.

[B]

It's like to keep dumb people.

[C]

It's like tax scoring.

[A]

Yeah. Capital and dividends and all that shit. It's just profit, right.

[B]

Capital's not. Capital is money.

[A]

Capital is money.

[B]

Working capital. Yes.

[A]

Dividends is what you make off that money.

[C]

Money.

[B]

It's more like the leftover. It's what you. It's. You get them when you buy a stock that gets paid out every year. It's just a little bit.

[C]

Yeah, see, I don't know. I don't know what any of it is. I don't know what NASDAQ is. I don't know what Dow means. I don't know what S M is. What is S and P? Whatever the it is.

[A]

What is with the fucking tennis score? What's the problem with that?

[B]

Costa is a great analogy.

[A]

40 love.

[C]

Great bit. Yeah. I mean, the French literally did it to keep the, the low, the lower class people out.

[A]

The Irish expect that. Yeah, Yeah, I like that.

[C]

I'm a big tennis guy, tennis guy. Classy. I'm going tennis tournament this weekend.

[A]

Where?

[C]

In Austin. I got a hookup.

[A]

Who's playing?

[C]

Venus Williams is in it and Jessica Pagula. It's a ladies tournament, so you know, singles.

[A]

Oh, yeah, Coco Golf.

[C]

No, it's a smaller tournament, but I told my son, I go, we're gonna go. We might meet some lady tennis players. And he went.

[B]

A little bit of hound dog in that boy.

[A]

Like father, like son, huh?

[C]

Chip off the old block.

[A]

A couple liras down there.

[C]

Yeah, I'm gonna meet a couple gals.

[A]

You got good seats?

[C]

I got where I'm. I'm free roaming, baby. I got the ends. I gotta.

[B]

I got a hookup and it connect through the comp like the. Or did somebody get you the.

[C]

No, it's a guy a Tuesday. His wife is. Works for the. The Tennis Tennis Association. So I got to meet some people. I met Francis Tiafo. I don't know if you know, he's no big, big foe black guy.

[A]

Right.

[C]

I mean, I try not to.

[B]

Who's.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I knew you were gonna leave me

[C]

hanging on that one.

[A]

Who's the Australian guy everybody thinks is kind of a dick? The one that kind of yelled at Ben Stiller?

[C]

Oh, oh, oh. But he was. He was yelling at the guy next to Ben Stiller. I like that guy.

[A]

I think that guy. I like. The guy's got an attitude.

[C]

Oh, what's this? Oh, God, you put me on the spot now. I can't think of it. Nick Kyrgios. Yeah, yeah, he was yelling at the guy next to Ben Stiller, but he used still as an example. But then people spun it as though he was yelling at. Yeah, he's a little loud.

[B]

Will you lean on anybody to get. You have a ticket guy?

[C]

No ticket guy, but I. I'll email the. Doesn't have a car. The old pooch.

[B]

Yeah, we've emailed, like, people like, hey, can we get this? And then they'll be like, we're working on it. And they come back like, yeah, we got no luck on that. Well, they throw your name out and they go, People go, yeah, we're good.

[C]

Well, lately, the last few times I've hit up one of the companies, I don't want to say for tickets. They're like, we can get you face value. And I'm like this.

[B]

Yeah, we want face value, Johnny Jerk.

[C]

Yeah, I'm like, I thought I was getting the hookup, but you know, what can you do?

[B]

Wait, that's crazy face.

[C]

Does that mean like the last six times in a row, does that mean

[A]

that they're selling you the ticket?

[C]

No, it's a whole, like, they hold tickets for the artists, but then they don't. The artist doesn't want to give you the ticket, I think. So you're paying for the, like, what, the face value? Yeah, yeah.

[A]

That's like when you want.

[B]

You want my 7250 times.

[C]

7250 is not getting you any show these days. It's like 350 bucks for a concert now.

[B]

Sure, WME's got it.

[A]

Yeah, they got that cash.

[C]

Believe me, I know.

[B]

We're getting screwed at every angle here.

[C]

Yep.

[B]

I got no connects.

[A]

You gonna dress up for the tennis tournament?

[C]

Yeah. What do you wear?

[B]

Please don't wear that Liquid death sweatpants.

[C]

It's hockey. I'll wear. I'll wear some, you know. Yes, probably. It's Austin. It's gonna be 60 degrees, so probably some sketchy pants and what you would

[B]

wear on a float light.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

You're not dressing up.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

If you would. When you go to the US Open, do you dress up a little bit for that?

[B]

No.

[C]

Huh.

[A]

If you went to Wimbledon, would you dress up for that?

[C]

Wimbledon? I think they make you or they hit you with a cattle product there. Yeah, it's crazy. So I'll probably. If I go to the Wimbledon someday I'll dress up. I don't like to. It's hard to dress. It gets all wrinkly.

[B]

It's the worst telling two fat guys.

[C]

Yeah, it's. Everything's all wrinkly. You look like a jackass.

[A]

I can't do it look good for two seconds.

[C]

Exactly. And I can't iron. I'm not taking out an iron on the road. Ah, that's a good one.

[B]

Oh, you're not taking one out.

[C]

Yeah. I'm not gonna say you're not flying with. Spritz it and do the thing I'm always afraid of burning my shirt or myself.

[B]

Do a steamer. Take a steamer.

[A]

Steamers suck.

[C]

Yeah, they don't think they work.

[A]

They suck.

[C]

It doesn't work.

[A]

They suck. Steamer is a fight. It's a ripoff. Do you know how to iron? Like the technique of it?

[C]

Vaguely.

[B]

I think heats up his Mac and cheese on it.

[C]

You push the button, it spritzes and then you rub it it. But not too much.

[A]

Do you guys ever taught did somebody.

[B]

My mom.

[A]

Really?

[B]

I had to iron at a young age.

[C]

My mother ironed every single day on a table though she had put a beach towel on a table.

[B]

That's old school.

[C]

And ironed it on the table.

[A]

Huh?

[C]

Yeah. No ironing.

[B]

Did you grow up in the Depression?

[C]

Wait, what was she ironing my dad's shirts.

[A]

Not your clothes?

[B]

No.

[C]

I've been wearing this since I've. I talk about this. I've never changed style. You can go to any year. I'm wearing running sneakers, black sweatpants, a rock and roll T shirt. My hair. Just push back. There's not one moment of me in my life that you can be like, oh, remember that? Yeah.

[A]

An American original.

[C]

There's no. I never had any rates. Whatever these things were.

[B]

The lines.

[C]

The lines. I never. I never pegged my pants. I never wore.

[B]

Pegged your pants.

[C]

What do you do? That's what we call it.

[A]

Taper them.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Really? You didn't roll them up?

[C]

No, I never had like. What's the thing? When you blew on it and changed the color. Hyper color plus what?

[A]

Blue on a. Remember that freaky freezer?

[C]

Those shirts. It was like hypercolor shirts.

[B]

Where did you grow up?

[C]

Pull that up.

[B]

Me? No.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

That was big. You guys didn't have that.

[A]

Shirts that change color.

[C]

Yeah. Hyper color shirts. Hyper color shirts. Yeah. What you must have had that.

[A]

I had matchboxes that would do that and you would put them in Cold water.

[C]

Similar. Hyper color shirt. You'd blow on it and it would turn a different color.

[B]

I didn't have none of that.

[A]

Would it then go back?

[C]

I don't know. I think so.

[B]

You're wearing mood ring shirts. He's just horny all the time.

[C]

Dude, this is gonna be big. People are gonna be writing it. I said I never did. Other people did.

[B]

You remember?

[C]

Well, you don't remember, but you're reading about it. This kid's 14. He doesn't know what the hell I'm talking about. Hypercolor. Had a moment.

[A]

I'm not wearing those. Changing colors.

[B]

Let me get eyes on.

[C]

You're gonna get a lot of emails about hypercolor.

[A]

I remember freaky freezer. Freezers. The gloves.

[C]

Oh, I never had freaky freezers. Now who's the asshole?

[B]

Never had a whoopie pie. Hyper. Yeah, I don't remember. Early, early 90s. Did you have the LA Light shoes ever?

[C]

I never had those, but that was a bit. And there was a big myth that, like, a guy robbed a bank and then he ran to the woods and they found him.

[B]

I remember my dad telling his boys that on the side of, like, a soccer field and they were dying.

[C]

That was big. It was probably shrouded in some amount of racism there. Like these fucking dummies, they run around like.

[B]

I don't think you're wrong. I think you're pretty dead on.

[C]

Yeah, that's what they're doing.

[B]

I remember that story.

[A]

They saw him under the bush. Yeah.

[B]

He's hiding in the bushes.

[A]

Wasn't there a story about that guy that started those sneakers? That he got in trouble or something like that? The founder of that sneaker company, L.A. lights? Yeah.

[C]

I don't know. Maybe I wouldn't spoil myself.

[B]

Why would you pin me down to know that?

[A]

I don't know. I'm trying to have a conversation. You two are fucking stonewalling.

[C]

What about Reebok pumps? I'm no Stone. I'm not stoning.

[A]

You left me hanging on the Valentine's Day stuff.

[C]

I thought I hadn't been introduced at that point. I would have jumped in. I thought I had. I had to wait.

[B]

I would have told you how bad it was right away.

[C]

I had to wait for my thing, but you remember Reebok Pumps?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, that was. I. I thought only NBA players could wear those.

[A]

You didn't go for that ice?

[C]

I had Reebok pumps.

[B]

Really?

[C]

That was. I think my parents, like, saved up a couple of those. And the only thing I would do with Them is get them as tight as I possibly could to have them let out the. The long as possible. But that was big.

[B]

Yeah, I never had any cool like that.

[A]

Nah.

[C]

What about the. The wrist things that you hit?

[B]

Those were big. I would buy those.

[C]

What are they called? Snap bracelet?

[B]

Bracelets?

[C]

Yeah, something like that. They were.

[B]

Did you ever do like, the. The fake cigarettes? Not the candy cigarettes. There used to be fake cigarettes.

[A]

The ones with gum had a little bit.

[B]

No, not even that. There was this place Party City used to sell. They were just like.

[C]

I don't think so. I think Sarah has those now though, for sketches. Yeah.

[A]

Wait, there wasn't. There wasn't candy or anything.

[C]

We had candy cigarettes for sure.

[B]

Yeah, candy cigarettes. No, these were like fake cigarettes. We just like you could pull some smoke out. I don't know if it was like. I don't know what it was, but I. That. That's why I started smoking. Get a pack of them.

[C]

I should sue them.

[A]

What? Sue them.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Got money.

[C]

Have a million. Check.

[B]

Let's do one more and then we can wrap it up here. Let's see.

[A]

I'm schwitzing. You gotta be dying.

[C]

Dying in this sweatshirt. It's horrible. It is horrible. No breathing.

[B]

This is polyester. Adam Fries. $10, homie. Is it garbage to take a cup of coffee into the exam room on your annual physical? Yeah.

[C]

That's not good.

[B]

I feel any outside food or beverage should not be entering the doctor's domicile.

[C]

I got in trouble for that a few times during the pregnancy because we'd go to get the X ray, whatever the fuck you call it.

[A]

Ultrasound.

[C]

Ultrasound. And I would have my cup of tea and they would be like, you can't. You gotta take that out. And you're like, cup of tea. Come on, Larry. You know. Yeah. So I don't think it's a good look. Yeah, I would do it.

[A]

How comfortable when you're in there by yourself when, like, you go to your doctor? How comfortable do you get when you're waiting for the doctor? Do you remain on the examination thing or will you sit in a regular chair?

[B]

Are you opening drawers?

[C]

No, I'm shitting my pants. I sit there, I'm terrified. I shake like a leaf and I almost cry. Really?

[A]

I never sit in the exam chair. As soon as I'm done getting my blood pressure, I get out of that. I'll lean up against the.

[B]

The counter, playing it real cool.

[A]

Yeah. I'm not sitting there like a sucker. I'll sit in his chair. I'll sit in a little stool.

[C]

No, I'm scared. I. I. Even talking about the doctor triggers me freaked out right now. I got high blood pressure. You got high blood pressure?

[A]

No, blood pressure is good.

[C]

Really.

[A]

Surprisingly.

[C]

What about you? What?

[B]

Yeah, I'm a little high. I was.

[C]

Oh, boy.

[B]

I got. I got. I got to go to an annual because I haven't had a physical. I went that. It did a physical two years ago.

[C]

Oh, boy.

[A]

Going tomorrow. I got a stress test tomorrow.

[B]

You say I'm a goner.

[C]

Yeah, stress test. But I thought that's for blood pressure or.

[A]

No, it's for your heart.

[C]

Just in general. Yeah, but your blood pressure is good. That's huge.

[A]

Yeah. Good blood pressure.

[B]

Take a coffee, jack it up, get a high score.

[A]

That's the thing I'm worried about tomorrow. If I can't run fast enough on the treadmill to get my heart rate up to a certain thing, they give you a drug that jacks up your heart rate and it doesn't feel good.

[C]

Oh, no.

[A]

You feel like you're dying.

[C]

Ah, Jesus.

[B]

So we got that going for us.

[A]

Yeah. I tell you guys about my buddy when he was drinking and driving and we switched spots.

[C]

I gotta get my check. We gotta falling apart here.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Joe List.

[B]

Jolt and Joe, baby.

[C]

What a country.

[A]

The usa. Kid, always a pleasure. Yeah, Joe, you know we love you, buddy.

[C]

I love. I love being here. I love you guys.

[B]

Plug away. Anything you gotta come up.

[C]

Oh, geez, I almost forgot. Well, Tom Dustin movie's still up on there.

[B]

Punch. Phenomenal.

[C]

Home run. Yes, please buy. It's six bucks, for God's sake. So that's there. And then I'm coming to Fort Lauderdale. I'm there for the Miami Open. I'm traveling around, going to tennis matches. I love tennis.

[A]

Really?

[C]

I'm classy.

[A]

You're pairing that with the tour? A little bit.

[C]

Well, Tommy Pucciani, my guy, he knows. He knows what I like. And then Providence Comedy Connection in April and going back home to. Should be the garbage. Living the garbage that I hail from. But yeah, and then Punch Up Live. You guys on Punch Up? Yeah, I think I love Punch Up. It's a great website. Punchuplive.com Joe List, bunch of stuff on there. YouTube. I got four specials on YouTube.

[A]

One of the best. Joe List, everybody. What do you got for him?

[B]

Guys, we're on the road. I think Austin might be sold out. We're not adding the shows. Fifth show added in Tampa. Get those tickets. Chicago's selling out, L.A. get them on the Comedy Club. Get those. Get those tickets now. We love you, Joe.

[A]

We love you. Thank you, gang. We love you. We'll see you next week.