Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

Episode: Armchair Anonymous: Cooking Disaster II

Date: February 6, 2026

Overview

This episode of Armchair Anonymous, hosted by Dax Shepard and Monica Padman, returns with a second round of real-life “Cooking Disaster” stories submitted by listeners. Dax, Monica, and their guests laugh, wince, and cringe through tales of burns, mishaps, bug-filled desserts, and kitchen gore—all told with the candid, irreverent, empathetic tone hallmark to the show. The episode highlights the messiness, chaos, and unpredictability of home cooking, as well as the resilience and humor people bring to recovering from their most gnarly culinary accidents.

Key Discussion Points & Caller Stories

1. Seth’s Bacon Brunch Burn

[02:00 – 11:08]

The Story

• Setup: Seth from Brevard, NC, planned a pancake brunch for his daughter’s third birthday and a crowd of family, including a pregnant wife.
• Disaster: While bulk-cooking bacon in a sheet pan, Seth spilled scalding hot bacon grease onto his forearm. Initial shock and little pain quickly gave way to severe blistering.
  • “Entire pan of bacon grease spills down my forearm.” (Seth, 04:25)
  • His nurse wife cleaned and dressed the wound, preventing worse outcomes.
  • Seth’s young daughter took interest in nursing, “immediately wanted to take care of Daddy.”
• Aftermath: His burn blistered with “drip marks,” required scraping by a doctor, but healed surprisingly well thanks to prompt care and diligent aftercare.
• Reflections: Seth avoids cooking bacon in the oven and reflects on sheepish attempts at shortcut kitchen tools: “This is a PSA, because I would definitely try that… If I didn’t hear the end of the story, I’d be like, oh, that’s a hack!” (Dax, 08:18)
• Medical tip: Use oven mitts, not towels; burns are not worth convenience.
• Family Interlude: Seth’s wife emphasizes the importance of not fainting after burns and the chaos of tending to forty guests while someone’s injured.
• Quote: “You were less than a quarter inch from nicking your artery.” (Urgent care doctor’s warning, 39:33)

Memorable Moment

• Seth’s daughter helps with the ointment every day: “She wanted to help with that as well. So got a nice reminder every day to take care of your arm, Daddy.” (Seth, 06:48)

2. Sarah’s Lemon Meringue Bug Pie

[12:26 – 20:30]

The Story

• Setup: Sarah from London, Ontario, is determined to impress her future in-laws with dessert—her boyfriend's favorite, lemon meringue pie—even though she detests it.
• Disaster: In a hot, non-air-conditioned kitchen, Sarah tries to turn on the ceiling fan, pulling on the light fixture instead, which collapses onto the pie plate. No breakage, so they proceed.
• The Twist: Upon serving, the family notices the bottom of the pie is “speckled with burnt.” Closer inspection reveals the pie is riddled with dead bugs that had fallen from the light fixture into the pie during baking.
  • “The whole pie is speckled with these burnt dots. And then I look a little bit closer and it’s dead bugs.” (Sarah, 16:49)
• Aftermath: One brother-in-law has already eaten his whole slice. The family quickly abandons the pie. Sarah is mortified, but the relationship survives—eventually, she earns a recipe request from her mother-in-law, a true mark of acceptance 12 years later.
  • “My youngest brother-in-law, Stu, had inhaled his piece of pie. But he still maintains to this day that it was a great pie.” (Sarah, 17:27)

Notable Quotes

• “I’d rather eat glass.” (Monica, 17:03)
• “Serve it up, they're cooked!” (Dax, 17:48)

3. Emma’s French Press Catastrophe

[20:36 – 33:50]

The Story

• Setup: Emma from Honolulu, HI, with a 6-week-old baby and a perpetually sleep-deprived household, tries to make French press coffee for her husband.
• Disaster: While juggling a baby, a baby lounger, and the French press on a breakfast nook, the lounger accidentally knocks the French press—filled with boiling water—onto her husband’s lap, dousing his thighs and genitals in scalding liquid.
  • “The entire thing knocked over toward my husband. Glass shattered... and it landed right onto his dick.” (Emma, 24:27)
• Aftermath: Husband’s burns are severe—"his skin was gone" and it was "just red, burger, beefy burger"—and he is hospitalized for 8 days on heavy painkillers (fentanyl, morphine), nearly develops an addiction, and faces a grueling physical recovery.
  • “...he was having full withdrawal syndromes. He was waking up in puddles of sweat.” (Emma, 30:13)
  • $10,000 hospital bill, permanent aversion to French presses.
• Baby: Baby suffered only minor burns and recovered fully.
• Humor & Relief: Emma (“he’s so gorgeous, yes he is!”) and the hosts riff on accidental vasectomies, boner risk during recovery, and hospital “vacations.”
• Quote: “That was the last time we ever used a French press.” (Emma, 30:39)

Notable Quotes

• “No boners now.” (Dax, 29:03)
• “I'm still an advocate for the French press. I generally only get it when I'm at a hotel” (Dax, 32:15)

4. Jen’s Cinco de Mayo Glass Gash

[34:08 – 46:47]

The Story

• Setup: Jen, a dance teacher and mother in the Bay Area, plans a fancy Cinco de Mayo dinner during peak COVID lockdown, determined to be a “cool mom.”
• Disaster: She lifts a corn-filled bowl, which suddenly flies, shatters on the counter, and a glass shard embeds deep into her wrist. In shock, Jen pulls it out herself, causing major bleeding.
  • “In my wrist is a beer arrowhead-shaped piece of the bowl. ...I just yank it out.” (Jen, 36:57)
• Aftermath: Amidst family panic, Jen endures an ordeal: visits urgent care in pandemic-era PPE improvisations, nearly nicks her artery, gets stitched, faces slow and painful healing complicated by infection, skin growing over stitches, and a warning she may never regain full mobility or sensation.
  • “I've never gotten 100% strength or mobility back... it's numb and tingly at the same time.” (Jen, 42:10)
• Discussion: Dax recalls his brother’s arterial wrist injury as a mini-PSA on kitchen glass dangers.
• Reflection: Jen’s story ends with a heartfelt note on sobriety and the support she and her husband have found in Dax and Monica’s openness about addiction.

Notable Quotes

• “Her face said everything.” (Jen, re: doctor seeing the wound, 39:33)
• “You were less than a quarter inch from nicking your artery.” (Doctor, related by Jen, 39:33)
• “It was very traumatic for my children and I’m careful in the kitchen, but I’ve had like five other accidents since.” (Jen, 42:45)

Notable Quotes & Moments

• Dax, on kitchen hacks gone wrong: “This is a PSA, because I would definitely try that. If I didn’t hear the end of the story, I’d be like, oh, that’s a hack!” (08:18)
• Monica, on bug pie: “I’d rather eat glass.” (17:03)
• Emma, on French press fallout: “That was the last time we ever used a French press.” (30:39)
• Jen, on self-inflicted wounds: “In my wrist is a beer arrowhead-shaped piece of the bowl. ...I just yank it out.” (36:57)
• Monica, on gender and water bottles: "Women are really freaked... I do think women carry water bottles more than men." (44:08)
• Dax, to Jen: “Please tell him congrats from me. That’s so mega, man. 10 years is impossible.” (45:53)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [02:00–11:08] Seth’s Brunch Bacon Burn
• [12:26–20:30] Sarah’s Bug-Infested Lemon Meringue Pie
• [20:36–33:50] Emma’s French Press Disaster
• [34:08–46:47] Jen’s Cinco de Mayo Glass Gash & Recovery

Tone and Style

Lighthearted, candid, irreverent, and empathetic. Dax, Monica, and guests use humor to process trauma, never shying away from gore but always returning to human resilience, connection, and healing. Occasional mature language and graphic injury descriptions are balanced by warmth and relatability.

Takeaway

These cooking disasters are not just cautionary tales but reminders that even in chaos and pain, empathy—and laughter—can make the messiness of being human more bearable and even, sometimes, “sexy.”