Armchair Anonymous: First Responder II

Summary

Armchair Expert: Armchair Anonymous – First Responder II

Release Date: March 6, 2026
Episode Theme:
This episode dives into the raw, gripping, and sometimes unbelievable true stories shared by first responders across North America. Dax Shepard and Monica Padman (joined occasionally by other armchair “family” members) guide listeners through four wild calls with EMTs, firefighters, and paramedics—including one story so graphic, it comes with its own unforgettable trigger warning. The episode explores the unpredictable realities, dark humor, and unshakable resilience of those on the front lines, celebrating both the human messiness and extraordinary heroism of first responders.

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Main Stories & Key Discussion Points

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1. Halloween Rescue: The Trapped Mechanic in Canada

Guest: Chris (Firefighter, Canada)
Segment: [03:49 – 15:17]

Story Breakdown:

• Chris shares a Halloween call-out—tones go off for a vague report of someone “trapped” ([05:01]).
• Arrived on scene: No signs of emergency, confused homeowner; construction workers nearby thought Halloween cries for help were decorations ([06:43]).
• Discovery: Garage door opens to reveal a man pinned under a classic sports car, legs visible ([07:52]).
• Quick action: By the time Chris returns with tools, fellow firefighters and ambulance supervisor have manually lifted the car, freeing the victim.
• Medical crisis: The victim is pulseless, blue, and purple from the chest up. Immediate CPR and AED revive the man after a few minutes ([09:05]).
• Follow-up: Paramedic is pessimistic about outcome due to high intracranial pressure, but days later, the survivor walks into the station with a thank-you card and treats ([12:05]).
• A unique detail: The victim called 911 using Siri. Phone was 8 feet away, which led to unclear info for dispatch ([12:28]).

Notable Quotes:

• “I have on top of the sheet of paper it says ‘trigger warning’…the last one, it’s graphic and penile.” – Dax ([00:14])
• “Construction workers were like, ‘We kind of thought we heard ‘help me, help me,’ but it’s Halloween, so we kind of thought it was a prank…’” – Chris ([10:44])
• “Four or five days later, he walks up to the hall and gives us the thank you card and some treats. Wow.” – Chris ([12:28])

Memorable Moment:

• The dark comedy of mustache requirements for firefighters, both for regulatory seal reasons and their gay-community crossover: “Do you guys talk about that at all, you firefighters, like, we also look like we could be in West Hollywood?” – Dax ([05:15])

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2. The Miracle Cornfield Crash & Scalp Injury

Guest: Kendall (Volunteer Firefighter & EMT, Pennsylvania)
Segment: [22:20 – 33:37]

Story Breakdown:

• Kendall (who also has a twin sister/firefighter!) responds to what sounds like a “boring” wires-down call on a cold winter night ([24:49]).
• On scene: Downed telephone poles, but no debris or signs of crash—until she sees a young couple down the road ([26:06]).
• The realization: The woman’s holding a towel to her head, which upon inspection reveals a palm-sized degloving of her scalp ([27:59]).
• The full picture: The boyfriend, driving drunk, crashed through the split of a Y-intersection, crossed a cornfield, hit a tree line, and dropped 60 feet into a ravine. Despite the carnage, both walked away ([29:50]).
• Local small-town dynamic: First responders know many patients personally. Kendall explains how this impacts emotional response ([32:01]).

Notable Quotes:

• “She peels back the towel… and when she does that, she peels back about a palm-sized portion of her scalp as well.” – Kendall ([27:59])
• “My brain kind of switched from firefighter mode to EMT mode because now we have a patient.” – Kendall ([26:31])
• “I want to know if they kept dating. I mean, I hope for her that was a wake-up call.” – Dax ([31:09])

Memorable Moment:

• The blend of horror and awe at the woman’s survival, Dax and Monica’s incredulity at the boyfriend’s luck, and the candid discussion of how “God loves drunks” ([30:41]).

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3. The “Second Butthole” – EMT’s Nightmare Transfer

Guest: Chuck (Former Military Medic, EMT, Wisconsin)
Segment: [33:40 – 46:37]

Story Breakdown:

• Assigned a neuro patient transfer—man is comatose, 400+ pounds, with documented bedsores ([40:03]).
• During and after transport, overwhelming stench emerges due to severe incontinence ([41:04]).
• At destination: Two small nurses ask Chuck and his partner to help roll the patient to treat an ulcer ([42:06]).
• As Chuck stabilizes the patient, his hand accidentally slips into the ulcer, which is so severe, it has tunneled into the patient’s colon—creating a literal “second butthole” ([42:45]).
• Humorous trauma: Chuck dry heaves, partners exchange looks, but complete the task. Only decompresses after leaving ([44:25]).
• Shoutout to the resilience of nursing staff, whom Chuck deeply admires ([45:09]).

Notable Quotes:

• “As we’re going to kind of reposition him a little bit, I put my hand on his back and go to push, and it slips and part of my hand goes into this person's second butthole.” – Chuck ([42:57])
• “There was a texture.” – Chuck, on the sensation ([43:28])
• “The only thing I could think to send my buddies that day was the Joe Dirt ‘I got the poo on me’ scene.” – Chuck ([44:48])

Memorable Moment:

• The visceral, borderline slapstick description, with Monica desperately asking about textures and Dax in awe of the ability to hold it together ([43:32 – 44:48]).

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4. The Penile Amputation Airlift (Trigger Warning: Graphic Content)

Guest: Nicole (Former Air Medical Paramedic, Midwest)
Segment: [47:45 – 57:14]

Story Breakdown:

• Nicole, terrified of flying, worked as an air paramedic for five years ([48:00]).
• Emergency call: In-flight briefing reveals the patient suffered a complete penis amputation. “It's graphic and penile. It's going to stay with you.” – Dax ([00:26])
• Scene: Man is young, meth-intoxicated, calm, and laid on the ambulance floor, his testicles split and penis missing ([50:28]).
• Patient is alert, makes a joke about losing height after losing “a couple inches” ([51:41]).
• Penis was kept on ice (in a condom, chewed up) for potential reattachment ([52:04]).
• Patient fabricated his story (“scaffolding accident”—in reality, he mutilated himself at home as part of a hallucination and plan for a prosthesis, chronicled in a journal) ([54:53]).
• Gruesome details: He used a bolt, pliers, and box cutter to sever his penis in sections, sometimes chewing tissue, then spitting it into a condom ([55:12]).
• Aftermath: He survived, did not get the prosthesis he wanted, and now has a permanent urinary tube ([56:17]).

Notable Quotes:

• “And his little testicles are laying there, splayed out, divided in half. And there’s no penis.” – Nicole ([50:41])
• “He journaled while he was doing this.” – Nicole ([55:06])
• “This is very serial killer, but thank God, yeah, he’s doing it to himself.” – Dax ([56:14])
• “I'm going to go to bed cherishing my penis a little more than usual.” – Dax ([57:30])

Memorable Moments:

• The collective horror and incredulity of the hosts throughout as Nicole coolly narrates, capped by Monica’s “ding ding” moment tying the case back to a previous discussion of pica ([55:59]).
• Nicole’s humor (“I got my partner a golden dick trophy. You were able to order that off the Internet, I guess. – Dax,” [56:40]).

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• “Construction workers were like, ‘We kind of thought we heard ‘help me, help me,’ but it’s Halloween…” – Chris ([10:44])
• “She peels back the towel… and when she does that, she peels back about a palm-sized portion of her scalp as well.” – Kendall ([27:59])
• “As we’re going to kind of reposition him a little bit, I put my hand on his back and go to push, and it slips and part of my hand goes into this person’s second butthole.” – Chuck ([42:57])
• “And his little testicles are laying there, splayed out, divided in half. And there’s no penis.” – Nicole ([50:41])
• “I'm going to go to bed cherishing my penis a little more than usual.” – Dax ([57:30])

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Host Reflections & Humor

• Dax and Monica repeatedly express gratitude, awe, and queasy disbelief at the stories, often breaking tension with trademark banter.
• Multiple jokes about firefighter mustaches: “Do you guys talk about that at all, you firefighters, like, we also look like we could be in West Hollywood?” – Dax ([05:15])
• Calendar beefcake jokes after Chris reveals he’s been featured shirtless with suspenders: “You belong in a calendar.” – Dax ([14:04])
• Enduring question of anonymity in big cities versus tight-knit communities: “You just get really used to, for me, 31 years of no one would ever know if I crash something…” – Dax ([32:10])
• Ongoing amazement at first responders’ ability to remain calm and even find humor amid chaos and horror.

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Episode Flow & Recommendations

• Each story builds in intensity, culminating in the graphic and unforgettable “penile” case.
• Dedicated time for follow-up questions allows hosts to explore emotional, practical, and psychological dimensions of the job.
• The energy is candid, empathetic, and darkly funny, celebrating the people behind the uniform.
• Dax and Monica encourage listeners to share their own stories for future prompts: “Crazy spring break disaster, bad date, twin story, time you’ve been scammed” ([00:32]).

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Useful For:

• Anyone looking to understand the lived realities of first responders—their gallows humor, emotional insulation, and subtle heroism.
• Listeners who want to feel both deeply disturbed and deeply grateful (with a few laughs along the way).
• People who enjoy stories that straddle the line between horror, human resilience, and just plain absurdity.

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Trigger Warning: As Dax notes at the top, some stories—especially the last—are highly graphic, not suitable for children, and likely to stay with you (“The trigger warning is: You are going to repeat this story.” [00:26])

Suggested Starting Points:

• [03:49] – Chris’s Halloween rescue, setting the stage for heroics and horror.
• [27:59] – Kendall’s tale of accidental scalping and small-town EMT life.
• [42:57] – Chuck’s “second butthole” moment—a masterclass in dark comedy meets trauma.
• [47:45] – Nicole’s airlift: the most graphic (and unforgettable) story of the episode.

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Overall:
A riveting and unfiltered look at the frontline of emergency response, packed with dark humor, humility, and humanity.

Transcript

[A]

Welcome, welcome. Welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepard. I'm joined by Monica Mouse.

[B]

Hello.

[A]

Today we have first responders part two or do.

[B]

It's a good one.

[A]

Yeah. I have on top of the sheet of paper it says trigger warning. So the last story. There's four, of course, in the last one. It's graphic. It's graphic and penile.

[B]

It's going to stay with you.

[A]

It'll stay with you. The trigger warning is. You were going to repeat this story.

[B]

Probably not for kids.

[A]

Yeah, probably not for kids. Although I told mine. Okay. And I also want to say what the upcoming prompts are. We love hearing from armchairs. So if you have a story on any one of these four, please submit on our website, armchairexpertpod.com Tell us about a crazy spring break disaster. Tell us about a bad date. Tell us a crazy twin story. Tell us about a time you've been scammed. So spring break, bad date, twin story or a scamming? Please enjoy first responders part two. We are supported by Quints. There's something to be said for clothes that just work. Not trendy, not flashy, just well made pieces that hold up day after day. That's what Quint gets, right? They make everyday essentials with premium materials. Organic cotton sweaters, polos, lighter jackets. The kind of stuff that looks good season after season. And here's the thing, they cut out the middlemen by working directly with top factories. So you're not paying brand markup, you're just paying for quality.

[B]

I really love Quint. It's becoming startling. I've been walking around, I ask people if I like their clothes.

[A]

Sure, sure.

[B]

You got to put yourself out there. And nine times out of 10 these days, it's from Quintz.

[A]

Yeah. I just got asked by the fashionista herself, Nicole, what size I work. She's getting her husband something from Quint.

[B]

Amazing.

[A]

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[B]

Hi.

[A]

What fake name should we go with?

[C]

I figured you could pick one for me.

[A]

Okay. Well, again, you're our second exceedingly handsome caller today. We need a handsome name.

[C]

Duke.

[A]

Oh, Chris.

[D]

Yeah, Chris.

[A]

Okay, Chris. I'm going to write that down so I remember it.

[C]

I like that.

[A]

You would have liked Duke, though, right? That's kind of a strong. Oh, yeah, Yeah. I don't think I could live up to the name Duke if I had it.

[B]

I mean, it's not that different than Dax.

[A]

Well, Dax is kind of goofy, too. It could go either way. It's like, what is that, a tech product or something? Is that a German? Right. But Duke, that's the Duke boys.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Chris knows. Where are you at, Chris?

[C]

I'm in Canada.

[A]

I almost did it again. I felt like just from the. Hello? I got it. Yeah, I got a guy on like, the third word on the last interview.

[C]

I tried not to say a too much.

[A]

Yeah, he let one slip. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You could be in any number of first responder positions. But I'm going to guess from the mustache, we're a firefighter. Is that accurate?

[C]

That is correct.

[B]

Yeah. I was going to go emt.

[A]

Oh, no. They kick you right out of the firefighting if you're not wearing a mustache.

[C]

That's exactly.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Which is kind of funny, right? Because you're wearing, like a regulator. Sometimes it can't be the most helpful for keeping a seal.

[C]

Well, that's why you can only have a mustache, is if you have any of this. I'm on days off right now. So I got a little scruff. But this is where the seal goes. It's kind of along the jawline, so you're only allowed a mustache.

[A]

Oh, so that explains that.

[B]

That's why they all have them, because, like, this is all I can have.

[A]

And, you know, the mustache is also very prominent in the gay community. Do you guys talk about that at all, you firefighters? Like, we also look like we could be in West Hollywood.

[C]

We don't talk about that, but I Love it.

[A]

It's a.m. yeah.

[E]

Okay, great.

[A]

Yeah. Our friend Jess is wearing a very proud mustache.

[B]

Well, his is also because he used to have to be clean shaven for his job. And when he didn't have that job anymore, he was like, I'm going nuts with the facial hair.

[A]

Mustache time.

[C]

Anytime we're on vacation, we all grow beard.

[A]

All right, so Chris, please tell us one of what I'm sure is hundreds of crazy stories you have.

[C]

This particular story happened two years ago October. It was Halloween. Actually, it was during the daytime. So we're hanging out at our hall when the tones go off, and we have what we call a voice lady. And so she tells us what the calls are. It's like a robotic voice. Could be an alarms call stroke or structure fire. So the tones go off, and the voice lady says that it's trapped. That's all we get. So we hop in the truck. I'm driving that day. We go off to our call. It's only like two minutes away. It's like around the corner. Dispatch gets on the radio. They start explaining what they heard, which was not a lot. They were super vague about it. They're like, yeah, we can kind of hear this guy. He's like in and out, very quiet. We're not getting a lot of details, but we think he's trapped, but we don't really know. So we don't have a lot of information to go on.

[A]

Chef, surprise, whatever. You're walking through the door.

[C]

Exactly. So we pull up to the house, and there is nothing going on. There's nobody outside meeting us. Nobody's panicking. Nothing is happening.

[A]

Are you in a rural part of Canada or are you in a city?

[C]

I'm in a city. It's a full time department.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

We pull up to this house, and there's construction workers out front. They're working along the sidewalk next door. But they don't really seem too concerned about anything. They got nothing going on. So I get out of the truck with another guy from the back. We walk up to the front door. We knock on the front door, we open it, we call out, fire department.

[E]

Hello.

[C]

Is anybody here? And this lady walks from the back of the house, and she's got this confused look on her face like, what are you doing in my house? How can I help you? Simultaneously, as we're saying, like, somebody called 911, we look to our right, we see a man door that's attached to a garage. So we open the garage as we're saying somebody called 911. And we look inside, and sure enough, there's this old 60s or 70s sports collectible car. I don't know what kind it was. And it's pulled in, like, nose front, so the back of it is facing, like, the big bay door, and it's teetered so that the back end is, like, on the ground. I know from the back of this vehicle is two legs.

[A]

Oh, there's a body under the vehicle. You bet.

[C]

Yeah. So right away, we open up the big garage door. I raced back to the truck to get some tools to be able to lift this vehicle off of the person. By this time, another fire truck is pulled up with four more firefighters in it. The ambulance supervisor pulled up. They're in, like, an suv, so it's like a single paramedic. So I go to the truck, I get the tools, and by the time I get back and down the driveway, which is only like a regular residential driveway, They've already grabbed this vehicle manually by the bumper and lifted this vehicle off and dragged the person out from underneath.

[B]

God, calm down.

[A]

We're only just getting started. In the story, only you get to

[C]

get excited once we get this person out and onto the driveway. You can already see this guy's in bad condition. Basically blue and purple from the chest up. His arm was kind of across his chest, and the vehicle had his arm pinned, so he wasn't able to breathe at all. And he had no pulse.

[A]

Oh, my gosh. Really quick. Do you know at that moment, from the time the call was made till your arrival, how much time has gone by?

[C]

Maybe five or six minutes.

[A]

Oh, okay, okay, okay.

[C]

Yeah, it was quick. So, yeah, he is blue and purple. No pulse. Beast paramedic supervisor, he says, start CPR right away. So we start it. I open up the medical kits, get the AED hooked up. They start doing compressions and rescue breaths. Two minutes goes by, Another ambulance pulls up. They have two paramedics in the back and a stretcher and everything. They come out. Another minute goes by, and we get a pulse back. He Starts to breathe, but he's still in really, really bad condition.

[A]

Can I ask you, when you're going through that process, how long is your window of hope? When do you start getting discouraged? At what point? Or is it variable?

[C]

Yeah, it's a bit variable. Like, it depends on the kind of heart rhythm and stuff. So if we have like zero heart rhythm, you're going for like 30, 40 minutes, and you're kind of hoping that something changes in that time, but then there's different heart rhythms that you are able to shock. And every time you shock, then there's like a little bit more hope.

[A]

So two minutes in, you're still pretty optimistic, I'm guessing.

[C]

Yeah, one cycle of CPR is two minutes.

[A]

Oh, okay, okay. God, I'd be terrible at this. Two minutes in, I'm like, I don't think this guy's. It's over. Yeah, he's a goner. I've been driving for two minutes.

[C]

We get this person packaged up onto the stretcher, into the back of the ambulance, off to the hospital they go. We're all still kind of standing there. All the paramedics are gone to the hospital. The supervisor got in the back of the ambulance, so his vehicle's still at scene, which means that we have to take it back to our station. They'll pick it up later. So we kind of walk up to the construction workers and we're like, did you hear anything at all? And they're like, well, we kind of thought we heard, like, help me, help me. But it's Halloween, so we kind of thought it was a prank or like, maybe a decoration.

[A]

Well, a skeleton on the porch that goes, help me, help me.

[B]

Or no, the legs under the.

[A]

Sure. Even if you saw that, sometimes they

[B]

do have, like, witchy legs. I've seen that.

[A]

Ill timed for this accident.

[C]

The garage door was closed, so in their defense, they didn't see anything. So we go back to the station, and during the ride back to the hall, we're going over the whole call and we're thinking, we did the best we could. We gave this person the best chance of survival. We were all very proud of what we did and the quick response and getting the pulse back. We were very proud of what we did. But whatever the outcome, we drove back to the hall, we backed the trucks in. Then like a couple hours later, that paramedic comes to pick up his vehicle, and we're kind of like, hey, any word on this guy? How's he doing? And he's like, well, unfortunately, the intracranial pressure was so high that even if he does survive, like, he'll have major brain damage. It's not looking good.

[A]

Also, his head, too. Not just his arm. His head had been under a lot of pressure.

[C]

It's because of all the pressure from the vehicle, like, actually crushing him. And so then he wasn't getting any oxygen and shoved all the blood up into his head.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

So it was all just really bad and.

[A]

Okay, sorry, one more question. You hadn't observed around this classic car that there was like a jack out or anything?

[C]

It was up on four jacks, but the jacks were very precarious. They were up on rollers, probably so he could move it around easier. Bad idea. I would not recommend doing that.

[A]

Yes. Yes. Okay.

[C]

So the paramedic comes, tells us this bad news. I have some friends that work in the hospital that this guy went to. So I was like, I'll just message and see what they have to say. They messaged me back. They say, yeah, he went for a CT scan, came back clear, but he's still in pretty bad condition. We kind of leave it at that. Four or five days later, he walks up to the hall and gives us the thank you card and some treats. Wow.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Oh, my God. So he was fine.

[C]

Fine as you could be. He was able to walk, so there was some pretty good closure. And another crazy part about this story is that when he works on his vehicles, I guess he puts his phone up on the windowsill about eight feet away, and that's how he was able to call 91 1. He used Siri.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

And that's why all the information was so vague, because they could barely hear him because A, he was under a car, and B, his phone was 8ft

[A]

away and his wife was inside the

[C]

house and didn't hear anything.

[F]

Oh, God.

[A]

Makes me want to enact Siri, but I don't want Siri to be able to listen to me put it on. Well, maybe I'll just enact it when I work on shit.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, wow. That's wild.

[F]

Sm.

[B]

Start thinking.

[A]

All right, now, I got a couple of personal questions. Because you drive the engine, have you blasted through anyone's front end? Every time I'm watching them negotiate here in LA intersections, and it's like, it generally goes well, but I'm also like. I'm sure it doesn't always go well.

[C]

I have never gotten an accident or had to, like, move anybody aside or anything like that. Usually people are pretty good.

[A]

Okay, that's good.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Have you ever seen them respond? In New York, that's about the most exciting thing you can see because they got no choice. They just blow through cabs. They do all kinds of stuff.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Once in a while we'll throw that up on the TV, just on YouTube, and it's pretty entertaining to watch.

[A]

Yeah, I was there one time. I was, like, 17 with my buddy Kenny. We watched four or five arrive. You know, people are double parked. Tough shit. They got no time in New York City.

[C]

It's an emergency, we gotta head through.

[A]

That's right. Exactly. Okay, last question. Have you appeared in any calendars? I feel like you really must have.

[C]

I sure have.

[B]

Of course you have.

[F]

I knew it.

[A]

I knew it. You belong in a calendar.

[E]

Thank you.

[C]

It was last year's calend.

[A]

Oh, do we go shirtless with the suspenders over?

[C]

I went shirtless, suspenders down.

[A]

Oh, very provocative. Right on the edge.

[C]

I was on the COVID too.

[A]

Oh, you son of a bitch. I'm so jealous.

[B]

Are you a listener? Did someone tell you to write in?

[C]

I am a listener, but not as much as my wife. My wife listens to you guys all the time. She was the one who actually saw the prompt and wrote in. And I was hoping that she'd be able to come in and say hello to you, too.

[A]

Yes, we would love that.

[C]

One more thing before she comes in. Dax, I have to tell you that I probably watch your Hot Ones episode every six months just for the part where you get the one math question wrong, and then you're just like, fuck. It gets me every time. It's so funny.

[A]

My two primary identity pieces are I'm a good driver and I'm good at fast math. So, yeah, like, I lost half my identity in that moment.

[C]

It was incredible. I loved it.

[A]

It was like if you looked in the mirror and you had no mot mustache, all of a sudden you'd be like, what the.

[C]

Yeah. Devastated.

[A]

Yeah. Well, lovely meeting you, Chris, and we would love to meet your wife and

[B]

thank you for your job.

[C]

Yeah, thank you.

[A]

He's a stud. Nice back muscles. Yeah. He's so hot.

[B]

Really hot.

[D]

Oh, baby.

[F]

Hi, friend.

[A]

Hello. Look at this little baby. Yeah. Tell us about this little person that's here.

[C]

Oh, this is our son. He's five months old, and I think

[D]

he just had an evacuation of his own.

[A]

Unexpected fellow. Unauthorized. I bet no one greenlit.

[B]

He wants to ride in y.

[D]

He has a story he wants to tell. I thought you might like to see the calendar picture.

[F]

Yes.

[A]

Yes. Oh, get it. Oh. Oh, My God, this is. Oh, this is so erotic.

[B]

Someone needs to send me this calendar.

[A]

Yeah, this is top notch stuff.

[D]

I thought Monica would like it, but I knew.

[A]

Well, I asked him. I'm like, this guy has to have been on a calendar. And sure enough, front page.

[D]

It's all in the mustache. I just wanted to say hi. I love you guys so much. You got me through you a long pregnancy and having a fresh baby. And we just love your storytelling. It's so nice to talk to you.

[A]

Yes. Right back to meet the whole family. Yeah. What a lovely, lovely little unit you guys have.

[D]

Thank you so much.

[A]

I feel very encouraged. You guys are all fine. Yeah, everyone's gorgeous as hell. Even the little guy.

[D]

Thanks guys. Have a good day.

[A]

All right, take care.

[B]

They're so beautiful. She looked like Elle Fanning.

[A]

Huh? And he just really hot. He looked just really, really look like the shirtless. For the listener, you got to picture Hugh Jackman and Wolverine.

[B]

I mean it's that caliber of stereotype of hot fireman is just real.

[A]

It's almost like they must only hire and they haven't gotten sued yet. Guys aren't going to sue over that. That's not even going to occur to them.

[B]

Well, they just tell them like you weren't fast enough. They lie.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, of course. But you should be able to look at the group and go like, well, I think something else is going on. Everyone's a 10 and I'm not and I didn't get higher. And they're saying it's cuz I can't wind the hose well. Or that I don't have enough hoes. No, we said you don't have enough hose. Not that you can't whine. We are supported by skims. I've got to tell you about skims intimates because they've genuinely solved a problem I didn't even realize I had with my everyday basics.

[B]

I know exactly what you mean. I used to think all underwear was the same. Just grab whatever's comfortable.

[A]

Yeah, right. But no, skims is totally different. The fit is so dialed and then I actually notice when I'm wearing them versus anything else. They move with you. They don't bunch up or ride around.

[B]

And with bras, there's so many ways for it to become uncomfortable. But skims actually solved all of those problems for me. So I just got some new skims underwear. They're cotton, they're very basic, but they're very chic. And this happens every time I get a new skims product. I put it on my body and I'm like God, they really know what they're doing.

[A]

Chic chic chic.

[B]

Shop our favorite bras and [e-mail] after you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you select podcast in the survey and be sure to select our show in the dropdown menu that follows.

[A]

Thank you to our presenting sponsor, Apple TV, the new U.S. home of Formula One. You can now watch complete all access live coverage of every Grand Prix including practice, qualifying and sprints all in one place. I will be consuming all of those

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[A]

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Just chat naturally about anything and watch your to do list disappear. Planning date night One conversation handles everything from dinner reservations to entertainment recommendations. Need last minute concert tickets? Craving your favorite restaurant? Just sit back, relax and talk naturally. Alexa's on it. Alexa learns your style, remembers what you love, anticipates what's next, and puts thousands of services at your fingertips. Whether you're managing your smart home, booking travel, or just getting through your day, Alexa is right there with you. Experience AI that's all yours. Ready whenever inspiration strikes. And now Alexa is free with prime on your Amazon devices like echo and Fire TV. Learn more at Amazon.com Alexa/That's Amazon.com Alexa We are supported by Helix. We spend a third of our lives sleeping, so it makes sense to invest in a mattress that actually works for you. That's where Helix sleep comes in. Here's what I love about Helix. They don't just sell you a mattress and hope it works out. They have this sleep quiz taken on their site that takes about two minutes. It's so easy. And it matches you with the perfect mattress based on how you sleep. Side sleeper. Check. Hot sleeper. That's me. Got back pain again. They've got you covered. I got mine delivered to Nashville, got it out of the box, laid down on it, and was like, get out of here. Did they nail it?

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That thing works. The sleep quiz. It works.

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[C]

Off.

[A]

Make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know we sent you helix sleep.com armchair. We just interviewed a firefighter that, honest to God, we were sweating. He was so attractive, so hot.

[D]

Is he single?

[A]

No, beautiful.

[B]

He's a beautiful wife and a beautiful child.

[A]

Beautiful little baby. He was actually on the front page of the calendar this year.

[F]

Oh, wow. Okay.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Okay. Anyways, enough about him. Kendall, how are you?

[D]

I'm great. How are you guys?

[A]

Wonderful. Where are you?

[D]

I am in southeastern Pennsylvania.

[A]

That's Pennsylvania.

[D]

Yes. Pennsylvania.

[B]

That's how you talk about it. You're like, I'm from the pa and

[A]

you're close to what? Maryland. How far away is Maryland?

[D]

Maryland's probably an hour and a half. Probably, like, closer to Philly. We're like an hour away from Philly.

[A]

Okay, great. Do you go into the city?

[D]

Yeah. It's a lot of fun.

[A]

What type of first responder are you? You.

[D]

Okay, so I am a volunteer firefighter as well as an emt.

[A]

You don't have a mustache. I couldn't guess it because you didn't have the mustache.

[D]

Sorry.

[B]

I love that you're a volunteer firefighter and an emt.

[D]

Thank you.

[A]

So you have the light that you can at some point put on your dash and get going?

[D]

Yeah. A blue light.

[A]

And have you ever abused that?

[D]

We have a strict rule not to. Although I've definitely thought about it. Especially when people are driving slow in front of you. I got to get places.

[B]

I can tell your rule follower, though.

[D]

Thank you.

[A]

You could not trust me with one of those blue lights.

[B]

That's why you're not.

[A]

We know, we know. Yeah.

[D]

It's a lot of power to have.

[A]

Yes. Oh my God. I'm doing bad enough without a blue light.

[B]

Comes with great responsibility and you're not prepared for that.

[A]

And have you been in southeastern Pennsylvania the whole ride or did you relocate there?

[D]

I've been here the whole time.

[A]

And was mom or dad a firefighter?

[D]

No, but actually my older brother is and I have a twin sister and she is also a firefighter. Emt.

[B]

What?

[D]

That's so sweet.

[A]

Fraternal twins. You would have said identical, right?

[D]

Identical.

[B]

Wow, I love that. And you have the same profession.

[A]

Did you hear our twins episode by Chance the Expert?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

She's studied twins her whole career.

[B]

She was interesting.

[A]

Yeah. What's the freakiest moment? You got itchy. Your sister was getting poison ivy a thousand miles away. Anything like that?

[D]

I don't think we've had that. But she works at a bar too. She's a bartender. And every time I come in, it's almost like I'm a celebrity. People are like whispering to each other like she looks like the bartender.

[B]

That's fun.

[D]

That's kind of what we get a lot. A local celebrity vibe.

[A]

I'd be a little robbed if I hadn't had the like she cut her leg on vacation. I felt it.

[B]

But we don't even know if it's real.

[D]

Maybe we should do an experiment and see if it's real.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There's gotta be double blind her way. Monica will smack her. Okay, Kendall, tell us your crazy first response story.

[D]

This story takes place about three years ago. I had been a firefighter for about four years at this point and an EMT for about three. So I kind of know what I'm doing, but. But still a little new at things. So this story takes place in rural Pennsylvania where I'm from. It happened on a Friday night in the wintertime.

[A]

And you guys have shitty witters, right? You get the eerie effect.

[D]

Yeah, it was definitely really cold and not a nice night for everybody involved. So around 7pm we get dispatched from the fire company for what we call a wires down call. It's going to be anything involving a power line. So think power lines on the road, low hanging wires, anything like that. And they dispatch the fire company first so we can mitigate the hazards before the electric company can get there. So sometimes it's as simple as like putting up caution tape and leaving. Sometimes we have to sit there for A while and wait for the electric company to get there.

[A]

Sometimes I'd imagine a fire is already in progress. Right. Because they cause a lot of fires.

[D]

Yes. So sometimes we get dispatched to maybe like a brush fire. This dispatch comes out. And full disclosure, most of these calls are pretty boring. It's not our favorite dispatch. It's kind of like, okay, run of the mill. We're not doing a lot. We get to the station, I get on the truck, and then we make our way to the scene on our way to the call. The only other information we get from dispatch is that there's low hanging wires over a roadway. We continue into the scene, and what we see is two telephone wires that had been sheared off at the bottom, and then they're now suspended over the roadway. So the wires are kind of holding the telephone poles above the roadway. Okay, so it's a little bit more interesting than what I was expecting.

[A]

You must wonder immediately, how did these telephone poles break.

[D]

Yeah. Unless like, someone's running around with chainsaws cutting down telephone poles. I'm really assuming that this is a vehicle accident because nothing else is going to cause that. So we get out of the truck, we start investigating. And to give a little bit more of the lay of the land of what I'm seeing, the road continues about 100 yards straight and then turns into a Y intersection. In the split of the V of the Y is a cornfield. And then a hundred yards past that is a tree line. We're walking down the road and there's nothing else wrong. There's no debris, there's no tire tracks, no skid marks, no nothing. So I'm very confused. I have no idea what happened. Maybe they fled the scene. We don't know. So we continue walking, and about a quarter mile down the road to the right, I see red and blue flashing lights. So my mind's like, okay, police officer is down there. Something must have happened down there. Maybe the car is down there. And as we're kind of walking towards them, a group of people is now walking towards us. And I'm able to kind of recognize that it's a police officer. And then there's a young man and a young woman. And the young woman is holding a towel to her head. My brain kind of switched from firefighter mode to EMT mode because now we have a patient. I approach the young woman. I'm kind of giving her a glance over. Don't see anything else wrong with her other than the fact that she's holding a towel to her head. She's walking, she's talking, she has a little bit of blood on her face, but overall looks okay. So we walk her over to the bumper of one of our trucks. At this point, there's no ambulance on scene or anything and I'm basically the only EMT on scene, so I'm really kind of in charge of this. We sit her down. The first thing I want to look at is the wound on her head. So I was like, do you mind removing the towel so I can see the extent of your injuries? So she peels back the towel that she's holding and when she does that, she peels back about a palm sized portion of her scalp as well.

[A]

Okay, getting somewhere. Oh, boy.

[D]

So now instead of the boring call that I'm thinking I'm going to be on, I'm now staring at her skull

[A]

but not her brain. Kind of comforted it that we're not

[D]

seeing brain, we're not seeing brain. But few thoughts were running through my mind at this point. The first was like, oh, shit, that's her skull. Just because I have never seen anything like this at this point. The second thought was fleeting, but it was like, this is kind of cool. It's not cool that she's hurt, but the injury is kind of interesting. And then the third thought was, I'm the only EMT on the call. This is my problem. Now.

[A]

Can I tell you my thought? And you can be really mad at me and everyone can, but I'm immediately thinking she was blowing the guy and they got in an accident. She hit the top of her head on the steering wheel and that's why it ripped.

[D]

That is not what happened, but it is a good guess.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

So I calmly told her, maybe we should put the towel back on her head. Because at this point, she doesn't know that that's her injury. I had to make the game time decision. Am I gonna tell her that her scalp's missing? That's probably a bad idea because she's probably gonna freak out. So we have some medical supplies on the truck. I started wrapping her head, kind of keeping the wound clean, keeping her scalp in place until the ambulance could get there.

[B]

Oof.

[D]

Shortly after the ambulance arrived and we were able to walk her over and get her into the ambulance. The EMS providers at that point take over patient care. But as we're in the ambulance, the young man that was with them comes in, he sits down, he has no injuries. What we find out is that young man was driving, was drinking, driving way too fast in his truck. I think trying to impress his girlfriend, lost control of his truck. Truck and slammed into both telephone poles. And the reason there was no other debris or skid marks or anything is because he just kept going. He kept going straight through the split of the Y intersection. He went straight through the cornfield and into the tree line.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[D]

Also, what we didn't know and what he didn't know was directly past the tree line was a 60 foot drop.

[A]

Jesus.

[D]

Into a ravine.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Lord. It was like a cartoon. Telephone poles, trees.

[D]

Because it was also dark outside, it must have been very disoriented to run into the forest. And now you're falling 60ft.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

After the call was over, we actually went over and looked at the truck. The truck was standing straight on its grill. Its grill was smashing almost to the cab. They were able to self extricate out of their truck. We assumed that the wound on her head was because her head hit the windshield and it kind of scalped her.

[C]

Ah.

[D]

But they were both able to climb out of the vehicle, climb up the ravine, somehow get out of that ditch, and then walk the quarter mile down the road to the first house that they found.

[A]

What's this saying? My mom always says that God loves drunks and somethings. Like the kind of stuff some drunks survive is really miraculous.

[B]

He had no injuries.

[D]

He had no injuries.

[A]

What?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, my God. It feels impossible. I gotta buy that brand truck. I mean, my.

[B]

Seriously.

[D]

He was upset about what happened, but yeah, he had no injuries. Injuries. She went to the hospital and got staples in her head, but other than that, she was fine.

[A]

Wow. I want to know if they kept dating. I mean, I hope for her that was a wake up call.

[D]

I hope so too.

[B]

Yeah. But people make mistakes.

[A]

That's a pretty sizable.

[B]

Yeah, but people make sizable mistakes.

[D]

I mean, the fact that he didn't stop or like try to stop, I don't really know how that happened.

[A]

Yeah, well, he's like, I gotta get out of here. I gotta get home. I gotta not get in trouble for this.

[B]

I'm gonna get to.

[A]

I'm drunk and I gotta get off the.

[F]

The road.

[D]

They were coming from McDonald's. I do know that.

[A]

Oh, so they were a little drunk and they got hungry.

[B]

Course that happens now.

[A]

Do you live in a small enough town that you're liable to bump into these people?

[D]

Yeah, I didn't know them, but some other crew members were aware of who they were.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

Yeah, I'm thinking of like anything like this had happened to me. In my hometown, like, everyone knows everybody. They would have been like, oh, Dax did this.

[D]

There's definitely been calls where I've known the people involved. Makes it interesting.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Is it harder to do the job when you know the people?

[D]

I think so. You don't get to dissociate from what's going on. There's a lot of emotions involved.

[A]

I bet this is back to that thing I've been more and more fascinated by lately is how anonymous la is vs how not anonymous most towns are. And you just get really used to, for me, 31 years of no one would ever know if I crash something.

[B]

Well, it depends. It's like, it's anonymous if you're not a celebrity. If you're a celebrity, you can't do

[A]

anything without a first responder arriving. And knowing any one of us is zero virtually. That's kind of what I'm saying. Like, if we were to have any kind of episode, the people that arrive would be total strangers. But not in most towns in America. You're gonna probably have gone to high school with one of the people that has happened. Well, I'm so grateful that you're into this.

[D]

Thank you.

[A]

Yeah, we need people who are like, ooh, scalp. This is interesting. That's the vibe you need.

[B]

You can't be like, oh, exactly.

[D]

It was a very interesting call for.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, wow. Well, thanks for telling us that, Kendall.

[D]

Of course. Can I give a quick shout out?

[A]

Yes, of course.

[D]

My sister would have been really mad if I didn't mention her, so my twin sister Jordan, she wanted to say hi. She wished she could have been here.

[A]

She's an armchair as well.

[D]

Yes. During our weekly debriefs, we talk about armchair a lot.

[A]

So wonderful.

[B]

I love that you're a twin. I'm grateful for that too.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, let's add it to the gratitude list.

[D]

And you guys should do a twin episode for armchair Anonymous twin prompts.

[B]

Oh, that's a great idea.

[A]

Is a good idea.

[B]

Adding it to the list.

[A]

Oh, well, lovely meeting you. And shout out to your sister and keep doing what you do, please.

[D]

It was great meeting you guys.

[A]

All right, have a good day. Take care.

[F]

Hey.

[E]

Afternoon, folks.

[B]

Hi.

[A]

We're going by Chuck.

[E]

Yes, we are.

[A]

How did we come to this name as a nom de plur. Is that it? Nom de plur? Nom de plore.

[E]

Came about from my brother's wedding. There were a bunch of people in the wedding party with my same name, and so everybody got assigned a name nickname.

[A]

Oh, I love and it's stuck. Chuck stuck.

[B]

Chuck stuck.

[E]

Strongly discouraged by my girlfriend from using this as a moniker on here.

[A]

Oh, she was great. What was her issue with it?

[E]

I use it for a lot of things.

[B]

Oh, she's just like, now everyone knows.

[A]

Have you seen Dave? Do you watch that show Dave by chance?

[E]

I don't.

[A]

There's a whole episode where they start calling each other Chuck. They both go by Chuck. Okay, so, Chuck, can you tell us what part of the world you're in?

[E]

I live in Wisconsin.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[E]

Neighbor that I heard you slander Wisconsin in a previous episode, but willing to move past.

[A]

Wait, one of us. What did I say?

[E]

I only remember that you were joking with a Minnesotan and that it was just about us being the intermediary. Neighbor. I just don't understand why we're not targeting Illinois.

[A]

They're the obvious enemy.

[B]

We can't rob is here.

[A]

I think the joke I made. Well, I don't even think it was burning Wisconsin as much as making fun of Michigan. Like, if I was in Wisconsin, I'd be like, what are you talking about? The up is yours. That is connected to Wisconsin. It's not even connected to Michigan.

[E]

That's fair.

[A]

Yeah. You guys have a real grievance on your hand. I think it doesn't make geographical sense. Okay, so are you in a rural area or a city area?

[E]

I live in a city area now.

[A]

Okay. And you're a firefighter.

[E]

Emt.

[F]

Okay.

[A]

The mustache.

[B]

He thought you were a firefighter because he has a stereotype about mustaches.

[E]

Well, military.

[A]

Oh, okay. Okay. That works. You were a medic in the military.

[E]

I was.

[A]

Okay, and now you're an EMT no longer.

[E]

So I was medic in the military. Was an EMT for a little while after that. Tried the police officer thing as well. And now I do absolutely nothing. First respond responder oriented.

[A]

Oh, okay. Okay.

[B]

Get out of the game.

[A]

Okay. You saw enough action in your tenure.

[E]

You can say that.

[A]

Yeah. Okay, so hit us with your crazy story.

[E]

This is during my time as an EMT. EMTs, generally, we're part of the first responder wheelhouse. One of the other things that we do is interfacility transfers. So moving somebody from one hospital to another, just making sure that patients get the right care that they need. So fairly early on in my career, I was working with a new partner that day and get a call to just do a normal inter facility transfer for a neuro patient, which is fantastic, because usually, and in this person's case, they're completely knocked out, sometimes completely unresponsive. Right. And so it's a nice quiet drive to wherever you're going.

[A]

Yeah. And what is that transfer generally like someone's come in with a neurological injury or they were already admitted and something goes wrong and they need to go to a place with more tools.

[E]

Yeah. I mean, it can completely depend for this individual. I think they were in home care and it just got to be too much. I think the person taking care of them didn't have mental, physical, emotional or financial means to continue caring for this person. So they had to go in, they got stabilized, and then we were just moving them to somewhere that can provide better, prolonged care for their needs.

[A]

This episode is sponsored by Better Help. So we're in March, which means it's a moment to celebrate women. And I want to take a second to acknowledge some incredible women in my life, my family, of course, and Monica, obviously, who I get to work with every day. The women on our team, the women in this industry who are constantly juggling a million things at once, they carry so much. They're managing work, relationships, family dynamics, and about a thousand invisible responsibilities that nobody sees or acknowledges. And here's what I've learned. Taking care of everyone else is exhausting. Setting boundaries, creating balance, making space for yourself that's not selfish, that's necessary. And therapy can be a really powerful tool for that. It's a space to work through the pressures, the expectations, the roles we all play. Better help makes it easier to get started. They match you with a licensed therapist based on your needs. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch anytime. Your emotional well being matters. Find support and feel lighter in therapy. Sign up and get 10 [e-mail] Dax that's better. H E L P.com Dax we are supported by Kodiak. I'm always looking for breakfast options. You know this, Monica.

[F]

Yes.

[A]

I need them that are actually quick but don't make me feel like garbage an hour later. And that's why I keep Kodiak frozen waffles and pancakes stocked in my freezer. Here's what I love about them. They're packed with 12 to 14 grams of protein per serving and they're made with 100% whole grains. And they're a good source of fiber, so you're actually getting something that fuels you. Not just empty calories. They've got tons of flavors. Buttermilk and vanilla, blueberry chocolate chip. Even gluten free. Ding, ding, ding. And they've got something for everyone. Power Waffles, thick and fluffy waffles, frozen pancakes and even breakfast sandwiches. Literally just heat and eat. I mean, I'm all over those gluten free options.

[B]

Really delicious.

[A]

Absolutely. And then just the bag for the buck on the protein cannot be beat. You can find Kodiak Power waffles and buttermilk power flapjacks in the freezer aisle at your local grocery store. It's comfort food with purpose. We are supported by Empower. See, you've always wanted to take that bucket list safari trip where you hop in a jeep at sunrise and cruise the Serengeti. Here's the thing. If you invest well, you could do things like that. With Empower, you can get your money working for you so you can go out and learn, live a little. Isn't that why we work so hard to splurge at certain moments? Maybe it's those concert seats that don't require binoculars or taking that trip to Athens in Greece, not Georgia. No disrespect money. So use Empower to help you get good at money so you can be a little bad. Join their 19 million customers [e-mail] not an Empower client, paid or sponsored.

[E]

So arrive you get basically a very brief kind of informational download from the attending nurses and they kind of let you know what you need to know for the brief transfer. So, you know, neuro patient, this guy's completely out and is not aware of anything that's going on around him. A and O time zero is what we would call it and let us know that, hey, he's got a couple of bed sores on him. So just be careful when you're moving him, be gentle, that sort of thing. He's not going to feel any of it. But you also don't want to aggravate any injuries. So walk into the room and this is a much bigger person than we were expecting.

[A]

They left this part out.

[E]

Yes. And typically you'll send a second ambulance to help with the lift in a situation like this. But we have a nursing staff there. They're going to help us move them. Totally cool. Which is also probably why we didn't get the second ambulance.

[A]

And if you had to ballpark their weight, what are we talking do you think?

[E]

I'm thinking 400 plus.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

We're able to get them onto our cot and get them out to our ambulance, load them in and we start driving down the road. It's probably about a half hour transport and about five minutes in, little bit of smell starts coming up and makes sense. They're completely out. So a little bit of incontinence with this individual. I don't really get squeamish around bodily fluids. Everybody kind of has their one thing that's not mine.

[A]

Oh, good. What a blessing in that role.

[E]

Very lucky. Get about 10 to 15 more minutes in and I can just hear my partner up front kind of crack his window and just hear a little bit of like sniffling. This is one of his triggers.

[A]

I understand. Incontinence to just mean urine or does it include shitting yourself as well?

[E]

I think it does, honestly. It's been a while since I've been in a emt, so maybe I'm misusing.

[A]

No, no, no, you're probably right. As I always associate it with P. Okay, so we think he's had an

[E]

unauthorized evacuation 100% and has continued to have him.

[F]

Oh.

[E]

By the time that we arrive. I mean, it is a very overpowering stench. We're able to unload them and it's winter, so we have them bundled up pretty tight. So I'm sure a lot of that smell was probably staying sealed in there.

[A]

Gotcha.

[E]

But we're able to get them in, get them into the next facility and get ready to slide them over. And it's me, my partner, and just these two tiny old ladies.

[A]

Oh, not the backup you needed.

[E]

So fortunately they have a little mat that we can use and kind of helps mitigate this. There's a sliding maneuver, all that. So able to slide them onto a bed. This goes super smooth. And this is our last call of the day. It's a 16 hour shift. We're like, this is cake. This is amazing. And as we're getting kind of the paperwork signed, getting ready to clear out, they go, hey, we're really sorry to do this, but we're really short today. It's just us and we have to change his dressings. Would you guys mind helping us roll him? Normally not something that we're allowed to do, but my partner and I were like, there's no way that you're going to be able to do this. And it's our last call. So we agree. And somehow I end up on the push side of this individ legs.

[A]

Oh my God. Okay, I have a knot in my stomach.

[E]

Get him rolled up. And sure enough, there's an ulcer that needs to have the dressing changed. And it's right around his tailbone and there's just folds of skin. It's not solid.

[A]

It's like an enormous baby has pooped themselves with A blowout?

[B]

Yeah. Not baby poop.

[E]

Maybe about the same consistency.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Picturing baby poop.

[E]

Yeah. Get them rolled, they start unpacking this ulcer. And like I said, we get a minimal brief when we receive them. So we didn't know how bad this ulcer was. It is significant.

[A]

Now we have a new smell on the scene, too.

[E]

Yes. New smell, new visuals, new sensations.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

As we're going to kind of reposition him a little bit, I put my hand on his back and go to push, and it slips and part of my hand goes into this person's second butthole.

[D]

Oh.

[B]

What do you.

[A]

Wait, wait.

[E]

Hold was bad enough that it threw bone into his colon.

[A]

No.

[E]

And that is where the majority of the smell was coming from.

[A]

Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Did you get aroused?

[A]

Oh, come on. All right. You've seen and done everything, but do you not at that point go, oh,

[E]

my partner just locks eyes with me and it's like I could read his mind and he's just like, do not throw up.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

The best way I could describe it is there was a texture.

[B]

No.

[A]

Okay, sure, sure, sure.

[B]

Was it jelly?

[E]

It was a texture. Like, I don't have better words to describe it. There's a texture here, but I don't know what it is. Fortunately, I was kind of pulling back at the time. I don't go terribly deep, but deep enough where this is not the best thing in the world. I'm just dry heaving. As we're continuing to hold this person while they're changing the dressing. God bless this woman who is packing this dressing because I don't think I've ever seen anybody do it that fast. High quality, did a great job, but she was like, this guy is fighting for over here next to me and just starts feeding gauze into it, cleaning it up.

[A]

This is where their age became an asset. They've probably seen this a couple times.

[E]

I'm sure that there is a reason that she wasn't on the push side of the legs.

[A]

Unflappable, though.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

Wow.

[E]

Absolutely. Fortunately, was able to hold it together. I'm sure it had something to do with my diet of caffeine and nicotine for the last 16 hours. So didn't end up voiding my stomach until after we had left.

[A]

Oh, man. Boy, man, do you go do a surgeon's scrub on your hand and arm

[E]

Decon snapped the gloves off immediately. And this was during a period of time where I had a couple buddies who were laid off, and so they were Texting me about, hey, what's going on in your life? Tell me about the outside world. I've watched too much Netflix and done too many job interviews, so I would keep them updated.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[E]

Kind of like on a day to day basis. And the only thing that I could think to send them that day was Joe Dirt. The I got the poo on me scene.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

It's so gnarly.

[A]

I'm so blown away and impressed that, folks, I think most people just look at the scenario and go, like, I can't and I don't know what to do.

[B]

Thank God for you guys who, yeah,

[E]

I'm super impressed with people who are still part of the profession, whether military, first responder or nursing staff, anything in between to make a career out of that. They're just amazing folks.

[A]

And you have any curiosity, like, are you tempted in three months to call the nurses and say, like, is this dude still alive? Is there any improvement in this scenario?

[E]

I generally was never somebody to do any sort of patient follow up. Just the number of contacts that you get. And this sounds a little crass, but, like, trying to keep your investment low.

[A]

Yes. I think you probably have to. To really monitor your reserve.

[B]

Analyze.

[A]

Yeah, well, even the adrenaline fatigue, you probably would feel one exciting thing after another for 16 hours.

[E]

Absolutely. So I got to admit, I only started listening to you guys like a week or two ago. My girlfriend finally wore me down and got me to listen to an episode, and it's been like crack since then. It is amazing.

[A]

Oh, thank you.

[E]

I've been absolutely binging it. And she's been like an armchair since day one. When she heard I was doing this, she sat me down and showed me that she had listened to every episode.

[A]

My apologies. Give me the loved one. An armchair is, you know, it's its own experience. Is she around?

[E]

She's not. She is on a family vacation. But it would mean the world to me if you guys would be able to do like a shout out to her.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

What's her name?

[E]

Her name's Daniella.

[A]

Daniela. Thank you for turning Chuck. I know you don't love the moniker, but we appreciate you sending him our way.

[B]

Thanks for being an armchair.

[E]

Thank you for doing that, guys.

[A]

Lovely meeting you and thanks for all the stuff you've done. Jeez Louise.

[E]

Likewise, guys. I really appreciate it. Thank you so much.

[A]

All right, take care.

[B]

Do you think they have to screen EMTs for Pika?

[A]

I do not, but continue.

[B]

Cuz after the one with the woman with the twin, I was like, if she had pika, she might want to eat that flesh. Yeah, the piece that came off, she might want to eat it.

[A]

I think you want to eat it, which is why you thought of it.

[B]

No, I don't.

[A]

It's like when I said I wonder if anyone drives over these curbs and exits this parking garage without paying.

[B]

If you wanted to do everything you said, what if that was be very bad and scary. No, this is just. I think I'm really scared of pika.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. My guess is that Nicole's her childhood best friend.

[B]

So she's throwing her under the bus.

[A]

No, she's honoring her by using her name as a code name. Hi, Nicole.

[F]

Hello.

[A]

Okay, I made a really out there guess, but my guess is that Nicole is one of your child childhood friends.

[F]

Kinda. Okay.

[A]

No, that's a no. I didn't get it. That's okay. I take a lot of guesses.

[B]

Okay, it's a good guess.

[A]

How did we pick Nicole?

[F]

It's my middle name.

[A]

Oh, okay. That's probably a smarter guess. Where are you?

[F]

The Midwest.

[A]

Oh, good for you. So you are or were a first responder?

[F]

I was a paramedic working for an air medical service.

[A]

Oh, on the chopper.

[F]

Yes.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

Okay, that's high stakes.

[A]

Did you have any fear of flying before you signed up for this?

[F]

Terrified. Still terrified.

[A]

Really? And helicopter is not the safest mode of air travel. We can acknowledge it's terrible. Yeah, yeah. It doesn't have the best track record.

[B]

People are always doing things that contradict them.

[A]

Well, we find ways to submersion therapy ourselves.

[F]

I think the aircraft that I flew on was very small and it was held together by what they called the Jesus piece.

[B]

Oh, God. Okay, you don't want to call it that.

[A]

Right. That's comforting. Jesus, take the stick.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. So would I be inclined to think that you're dealing with generally the most severe and traumatic issues that require airlift to a very qualified hospital?

[F]

For the most part.

[A]

Like no one's going in that thing with a broken arm. Right.

[F]

Sometimes they pay memberships.

[E]

Oh,

[A]

I want that this membership. Don't you think? Of all people, I need it.

[B]

Well, I think then you might self fulfill.

[A]

I want to get what I paid for. Yeah, that's your right. It's a bad idea, that idea. So how long did you do that?

[F]

I did that for five years.

[A]

And what was the overall experience? Experience. Obviously you stopped doing it.

[F]

My littlest kept asking me if I was going to die every day I went to work.

[B]

That's the scary Thing for your mom to be doing.

[F]

Yeah. So I finally said, did you have

[A]

any harrowing flying issues?

[F]

Weather was always a factor. Most of the pilots were great. Some had chips on their shoulder.

[A]

Were they mostly ex military?

[F]

Most of them.

[A]

All right, so hit us with your crazy story.

[F]

Okay. When we're told about what our flights were, they don't tell us exactly what the call is until we lift, just because they don't want us to make any rash decisions on the ground in case of weather, any other factor.

[A]

That's really smart. I love how many things they think through.

[F]

Yes. So we lift and we head towards the coordinates, and they tell us that it's a penis amputation.

[A]

Oh, what a blessing. Wait, that's a sim.

[B]

Because earlier Dax said we should do a prompt about severed penis.

[A]

Severed penis. And I.

[B]

She didn't even respond.

[A]

Yeah, she does. So stupid. That would never happen. Okay. Okay. So you just. You made my day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You made 20, 26. We're early, but so far. Yeah, this is great.

[F]

We're like penis amputation. So it's either it is or it's.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Right.

[F]

We land, we meet the ambulance.

[A]

Where do you land? Are you in a rural area?

[F]

We're in Timbuktu. We are where the hood owls meet the chickens.

[A]

Okay. Okay.

[F]

We open the ambulance door. Yours. And there he lays in the fetal position.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[F]

And he is cut from top to taint.

[D]

No.

[F]

And his little testicles are laying there,

[A]

splayed out, divided in half.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[F]

And there's no penis.

[B]

Is there blood everywhere?

[F]

He waited a while to call. And we'll get there. Don't worry.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[F]

The best part is he kind of looked like car at the top.

[D]

Oh.

[A]

Oh, interesting.

[F]

Okay. That's just a kicker in the situation. So the gentleman had placed a tourniquet on his cut ball sack, and their medical director had told them to release the tourniquet. So that is what prompted him to be laying open with his little balls hanging there. And he's alert oriented. Chill as a cucumber. What?

[A]

How old is he?

[F]

He's not even in his 20s. No, no.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

Does anyone have the penis?

[B]

He's definitely on drugs, right?

[F]

He's meth up.

[A]

Oh, he's meth, though?

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

You're not chill in that circ.

[A]

Well, I was wondering if the ambulance had already given him a ton of morphine. Okay. They're letting the meth do the work.

[F]

We load them up on the way to the ambulance. We were trying to Figure out medication dosages, and we do that by asking height. We asked him how tall he was and he's like, Well, I was 6, 2 up until a little bit ago. I lost a couple inches.

[B]

Oh, was he making a joke about. About his penis?

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh my God. He's a jokester also.

[F]

We grabbed his penis. That was on ice.

[A]

That was my question. Where, where did the penis go? But we have the penis and it's on ice.

[F]

It looked like so.

[A]

Oh, you have a water weenie.

[F]

I brought an example. We take it and it's sitting in the bottom floorboard of our aircraft.

[A]

This is insane.

[B]

Are you just like, what is my life?

[F]

This is like the ultimate call of calls. We lift, we're heading to the hospital. The aircraft is very small and his head is basically sitting in my lap. I have to check bleeding. So I'm leaning over him towards his junk, but I'm looking at the bleeding. I feel my partner grab the back of my flight suit and pull me back down to the seat. And I'm like, I need to look at his bleeding. And she's like, no, you need to sit down. And I'm like, oh, but why? I'll tell you when we land.

[B]

Oh, no.

[F]

We gave him some medication called ketamine. He kind of got a little crazy eyed. My partner was like, I need you to put the crazy back in your eyes. Stop looking like that. We asked him how it happened. He told us that he was in an elevator on a shaffolding and the ceiling fell in the elevator pinned him and it ripped off his penis.

[A]

You said he was out in the middle of nowhere. Did you see any scaffolding with an elevator?

[F]

No. He said initially it happened in Oklahoma and then he traveled home and brought his penis. Yeah. So the cut was too cle. We knew it was bogus. He said his girlfriend was outside the ambulance, his wife was at home. We initially thought it was like a Lorena Bobbitt type deal.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[F]

So we give the hear report. We call it a hear report. And anyone within a large radius, that's an ambulance or another helicopter or a fire department, whatever, they can tune in and they can hear. And so we say we're bringing in a penis amputation. We're going to a trial trauma center. We land, we go in. There's a trauma surgeon, there's a urologist, there's every nurse probably in the hospital. And it's like a circus. Every EMS crew and every ambulance within probably a 50 mile radius has now shown up at the Hospital. And they're doing like, the circle through the ER rooms.

[A]

Oh, my goodness.

[F]

And to the point, like, the charge nurse is like, stop. This is not a sideshow.

[A]

Yeah, everyone needs to grow up.

[F]

The trauma surgeon's like, that's too clean of a cut. Your story is bogus. You need to tell us what you did. Oh, no, no, no. This is what happened. So we leave. On the way back, my partner tells me that he was pretending to have his way with me while I was leaning over him.

[A]

What a blessing. He was this high. I mean, you know how high you gotta be that your dick is gone, your balls are splayed out, and you're like, oh, this is a 69. I mean, you're gone.

[B]

Yeah, but that's also what got him in this position in the first place.

[F]

True, but it gets better.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[F]

We land at our base and the sheriff's department shows up and they're like, hey, we found out what happened. It looked like a massacre inside of his house. He journaled while he was doing this.

[B]

What?

[F]

Like, doing what? Well, he wanted a fake penis, so he thought that he would take it

[A]

off and that he would be given a prosthetic penis or something.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, it was a whole plan. Like, I'm going to get rid of this, so they have to put a fake one on.

[F]

So what he did did was he inserted a bolt into the head of his penis, pulled it back with a pair of pliers. No. Cut off a section with a box knife.

[A]

Oh, my heavens.

[F]

Chewed it up, spit it into the condom. That was what was on ice for

[A]

us was this chewed up penis in a condom.

[F]

He spit it into the condom and then would reinsert the bolt, pull it back, cut off another stick section, and did it too. It was gone.

[E]

No.

[A]

My Lord.

[B]

I hate to say this is a ding ding, ding, cuz I did just talk about pika.

[A]

Oh, you did, you did, you did.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I feel like bath salts was involved. There's something really.

[F]

Yeah. But he journaled throughout the entire thing. This.

[A]

I mean, this is very serial killer, but thank God. Yeah, he's doing it to himself.

[F]

He survived surgery. He obviously doesn't have a wee wee now. And he has a tube.

[E]

Oh.

[A]

And he didn't get that prosthetic penis he was looking.

[B]

He was always dreaming about.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Wow, that is horrifying.

[A]

Talk about a bottom when you're an addict. That would be the top story I'd ever heard in a meeting.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

And I got my partner a golden dick trophy.

[A]

You Were able to order that off the Internet, I guess.

[F]

Yeah, Amazon, they have everything.

[B]

They got it all. They got it all. Oh, what a story. Never heard one like it.

[A]

No. Won't soon hear one.

[B]

I don't think so. Wow. Thank you so much for sharing that.

[F]

You're welcome.

[A]

I mean, I want to talk to the guy. How many years ago was this?

[F]

I believe it was 2016, 17.

[A]

Well, he's either dead or so I

[B]

was about to say.

[F]

Last I knew, he was still alive.

[B]

Okay, well, thank you so much.

[A]

Yeah. Nicole, that was a whopper. That was a real whopper.

[B]

We appreciate you calling.

[F]

Thanks for having me.

[A]

Yeah, it was a delight.

[B]

Hope you have a great weekend.

[F]

You guys. Guys too.

[A]

Well, she had the perfect personality to deal with that situation. Right. She had, like, a good dose of sense of humor. That's what you need in that situation. Yeah. I'm going to go to bed cherishing my penis a little more than.

[B]

You don't want to bite it and chew it up?

[A]

No, no. I'm going to keep it right where it's at and stay sober.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

A lot of things to be grateful for after hearing that story.

[B]

Woo.

[A]

All right.

[F]

Love you.

[A]

Love you.

[E]

Do you want to sing a tune or something? When I'm a theme song.

[A]

Oh, okay, great. We don't have a song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of arm cherries, we'll get some suggestions on the fire rhyme dish. On the fire rhyme dish. Enjoy.