Armchair Expert: Armchair Anonymous – Foreign Object in Butt II

Release Date: January 30, 2026
Host: Dan Rather (subbing for Dax Shepard) with Monica Mouse
Guests: Medical professionals and anonymous contributors

Episode Overview

This episode is the second installment of "Foreign Object in Butt," a now-beloved Armchair Anonymous prompt. Dan Rather and Monica Mouse invite a series of anonymous medical professionals to recount some of the wildest and most memorable stories from their careers involving, as the title promises, foreign objects lodged in patients’ rectums. The show balances riotous humor, candid vulnerability, surprising tenderness, and an underlying message about the reality of shame and human messiness.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening Remarks & Episode Purpose

• [00:00–00:43]
  • Dan Rather teases the variety in this installment, mentioning “blood, sadness, humiliation, tenderness, hilarity”.
  • Monica jokes about the previous Barbie story and relief at its absence this time.
  • Sets the tone: “Every other conceivable option is there… Please enjoy Foreign Objects in Butt Part Two.”

2. Story 1: Kristen – Nursing Clinical With a Biking Mishap

• [03:39–13:42]

Story Summary

• Kristen, mid-40s, shares her story as a nursing student in a low-income hospital on her very first day of clinicals.
• She’s assigned an 83-year-old man flagged for a “foreign object near the cecum.”
• The patient is grumpy and answers her pain assessment with, “I have a bike handle up my ass. Why would you ask me that question?” – Kristen [08:38]
• The patient confides he tried to modify a small vibrator by inserting it into a bicycle handle for added girth, but lost both inside himself. Embarrassed, he waited for the battery to die before seeking help.
• She recalls: “My wife died 20 years ago. A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do.” – as recounted by Kristen [11:24]
• The experience brings them closer (“he warms up to me…”), the clinical preceptor apologizes for inadvertently assigning her such a startingly difficult case.
• Kristen reflects on the icebreaker effect of this first day and recounts sharing it with her dad, who’d encouraged nursing.

Notable Quotes

• “I have a bike handle up my ass. Why would you ask me that question?” – Patient (via Kristen) [08:38]
• “One person’s foreign object is another person’s great start.” – Dan Rather [12:01]
• “There’s something also incredibly sweet about that story.” – Dan Rather [12:32]

Memorable Moments

• Group discusses the practical details of sex toys (“How long does a Magic Bullet last?”), and the universality of unexpected vulnerability in the ER.

3. Story 2: Rachel – The Surgical Tech and the Industrial Screwdriver

• [16:37–26:59]

Story Summary

• Rachel, a surgical technologist and PA student, recounts a case involving a supposedly standard hernia procedure.
• The surgical team discovers via scan an “8 to 9 inch” metal object in the abdomen, later revealed to be an industrial screwdriver.
• The patient, who is unhoused and on meth, claims not to know it’s there; Rachel theorizes it may have been for breaking into buildings, but Dan immediately says it is more likely “a thousand percent sexual. [...] Once you pair [meth] with sex, it’s turboed.” – Dan Rather [24:34]
• Remarkably, the object caused no perforation; after surgical removal, they return the cleaned screwdriver to the patient (with warning).
• Rachel gives a shoutout to her siblings urging her to submit the story.

Notable Quotes

• “Your colon’s kind of like a vacuum. I guess he put it in there and then forgot about it.” – Rachel [21:55]
• “A thousand percent sexual. [...] Once you pair [meth] with sex, it’s turboed.” – Dan Rather [24:34]
• “Use with caution. If you’re storing it, maybe find a different spot.” – Rachel, via surgeon [26:15]

4. Story 3: Hannah – The Resident, the Pear, and the Clementine

• [27:04–38:52]

Story Summary

• Hannah, a general surgery resident in Western Massachusetts, shares a story (just after leaving the OR) in which her co-resident must help a man with a pear lodged in his rectum for 8 hours.
• The patient admits the object is a pear; attempts at removal in the ER (ring forceps, Foley catheter) are unsuccessful, so they bring him to the OR.
• “You gotta be really careful when you’re using a pear. [...] He definitely was using an unripened pear.” – Dan Rather [30:20]
• Surgeons struggle until Hannah is asked to try due to her “tiny hands” and successfully removes the pear—but then returns to retrieve a mysterious “stool ball” that turns out to be a clementine, turning the case into the “fruit salad” story.
• The team cheers; Hannah is henceforth recognized as “Tiny Hands O,” and jokes about other retrieved objects (honorable mention: “pool noodle”).
• Hannah shouts out her Armchair-obsessed husband for introducing her to the show.

Notable Quotes

• “My hand is like half the size of his hand. He’s like, ‘OK, you wanna give it a try?’” – Hannah [35:29]
• “It’s a clementine.” – Hannah [36:57]
• “Fruit salad.” – Monica and Dan, throughout [37:44]

Memorable Moments

• Brainstorming unorthodox medical retrieval techniques: “You know what they would do on Grey’s Anatomy? They’d stick a mouse up there...”
• Dan’s recurring (and strangely intuitive) knack for predicting both objects and patient motivation.

5. Story 4: Debbie – The ER PA and the Rural Stab Wound

• [38:56–46:10]

Story Summary

• Debbie, an ER PA in rural Vermont/New Hampshire, details a rural case.
• She receives an ambulance patient, a middle-aged man presenting as a “stab wound with massive blood loss” but stable vitals.
• The “stab wound” is self-inflicted: the patient, whose wife was out of town, experimented by inserting a Kong dog toy in his rectum, then attempted to retrieve it using various household items—culminating in a kitchen knife that caused substantial internal bleeding and required medevac and a colostomy.
• The case is painted as equal parts absurd and heartbreaking—underscoring the risks of shame and isolation.
• Dan and Monica reflect on the tragedy beneath the farce: “Shame is so powerful. Not only did he not want to tell his wife, now he’s got a fucking colostomy bag, and now he’s got to tell her the whole thing.” – Dan Rather [44:00]

Notable Quotes

• “I need to explore this kink of mine that I’ve had for years that I don’t want to talk about with my wife.” – Debbie [41:25]
• “This is the most thought I’ve ever seen into a rectal point…” – Debbie [42:16]
• “Shame is so powerful.” – Dan Rather [44:00]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• “I have a bike handle up my ass. Why would you ask me that question?” – Kristen (patient) [08:38]
• “One person’s foreign object is another person’s great start.” – Dan Rather [12:01]
• “A thousand percent sexual. [...] Once you pair [meth] with sex, it’s turboed.” – Dan Rather [24:34]
• “Your colon’s kind of like a vacuum.” – Rachel [21:55]
• “It’s a clementine.” – Hannah [36:57]
• “Fruit salad.” – group reaction [37:44]
• “This is the most thought I’ve ever seen into a rectal point.” – Debbie [42:16]
• “Shame is so powerful… now he’s got to tell [his wife] the whole thing.” – Dan Rather [44:00]

Audience Insights: Humor, Humanity, and Vulnerability

• The hosts and guests interweave graphic medical reality with irrepressible laughter, medical curiosity, and empathy.
• The recurring mention of shame, especially in Debbie’s story, exposes the emotional and relational toll of such scenarios.
• Multiple guests referenced high frequency of such cases, breaking stigma and normalizing the discussion.

Practical & Curious Medical Notes

• Vibrator battery lifespans debated: “Magic bullet vibrator runs on a single AAA battery and can last up to 4.5 hours of continuous use.” – Dan Rather [13:32]
• Creative (sometimes inadvisable) home attempts at removal: tongs, vacuums, cutlery, and the hosts’ own hypothetical techniques.

Concluding Thoughts

• The episode closes with the hosts reflecting on whether such storytelling deters or inspires risky experimentation.
• Each story, whether harrowing, hilarious, or both, ultimately affirms the Armchair Expert’s mission: to celebrate the challenges, messes, and outright weirdness of being human.

Timestamps of Key Segments

• [03:39] – Kristen’s first day nursing story (Vibrator & bike handle)
• [16:37] – Rachel’s surgical tech story (Industrial screwdriver & meth)
• [27:04] – Hannah’s surgical story (Pear & clementine retrieval)
• [38:56] – Debbie’s rural ER story (Kong toy, knife, stigma)
• [44:00] – Dan reflects on shame and the need for compassion

Tone & Language

The show mixes clinical detail with irreverent humor, empathy, and candid discussion about sex, shame, and the unpredictable things people do. The conversations remain respectful toward the patients, focusing on the humanity and vulnerability at play, with frequent asides, medical facts, and running jokes about speculation, solutions, and the ever-inventive human body.