Armchair Anonymous: Foreign Object in Butt II

Summary

Armchair Expert: Armchair Anonymous – Foreign Object in Butt II

Release Date: January 30, 2026
Host: Dan Rather (subbing for Dax Shepard) with Monica Mouse
Guests: Medical professionals and anonymous contributors

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Episode Overview

This episode is the second installment of "Foreign Object in Butt," a now-beloved Armchair Anonymous prompt. Dan Rather and Monica Mouse invite a series of anonymous medical professionals to recount some of the wildest and most memorable stories from their careers involving, as the title promises, foreign objects lodged in patients’ rectums. The show balances riotous humor, candid vulnerability, surprising tenderness, and an underlying message about the reality of shame and human messiness.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening Remarks & Episode Purpose

• [00:00–00:43]
  • Dan Rather teases the variety in this installment, mentioning “blood, sadness, humiliation, tenderness, hilarity”.
  • Monica jokes about the previous Barbie story and relief at its absence this time.
  • Sets the tone: “Every other conceivable option is there… Please enjoy Foreign Objects in Butt Part Two.”

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2. Story 1: Kristen – Nursing Clinical With a Biking Mishap

• [03:39–13:42]

Story Summary

• Kristen, mid-40s, shares her story as a nursing student in a low-income hospital on her very first day of clinicals.
• She’s assigned an 83-year-old man flagged for a “foreign object near the cecum.”
• The patient is grumpy and answers her pain assessment with, “I have a bike handle up my ass. Why would you ask me that question?” – Kristen [08:38]
• The patient confides he tried to modify a small vibrator by inserting it into a bicycle handle for added girth, but lost both inside himself. Embarrassed, he waited for the battery to die before seeking help.
• She recalls: “My wife died 20 years ago. A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do.” – as recounted by Kristen [11:24]
• The experience brings them closer (“he warms up to me…”), the clinical preceptor apologizes for inadvertently assigning her such a startingly difficult case.
• Kristen reflects on the icebreaker effect of this first day and recounts sharing it with her dad, who’d encouraged nursing.

Notable Quotes

• “I have a bike handle up my ass. Why would you ask me that question?” – Patient (via Kristen) [08:38]
• “One person’s foreign object is another person’s great start.” – Dan Rather [12:01]
• “There’s something also incredibly sweet about that story.” – Dan Rather [12:32]

Memorable Moments

• Group discusses the practical details of sex toys (“How long does a Magic Bullet last?”), and the universality of unexpected vulnerability in the ER.

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3. Story 2: Rachel – The Surgical Tech and the Industrial Screwdriver

• [16:37–26:59]

Story Summary

• Rachel, a surgical technologist and PA student, recounts a case involving a supposedly standard hernia procedure.
• The surgical team discovers via scan an “8 to 9 inch” metal object in the abdomen, later revealed to be an industrial screwdriver.
• The patient, who is unhoused and on meth, claims not to know it’s there; Rachel theorizes it may have been for breaking into buildings, but Dan immediately says it is more likely “a thousand percent sexual. [...] Once you pair [meth] with sex, it’s turboed.” – Dan Rather [24:34]
• Remarkably, the object caused no perforation; after surgical removal, they return the cleaned screwdriver to the patient (with warning).
• Rachel gives a shoutout to her siblings urging her to submit the story.

Notable Quotes

• “Your colon’s kind of like a vacuum. I guess he put it in there and then forgot about it.” – Rachel [21:55]
• “A thousand percent sexual. [...] Once you pair [meth] with sex, it’s turboed.” – Dan Rather [24:34]
• “Use with caution. If you’re storing it, maybe find a different spot.” – Rachel, via surgeon [26:15]

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4. Story 3: Hannah – The Resident, the Pear, and the Clementine

• [27:04–38:52]

Story Summary

• Hannah, a general surgery resident in Western Massachusetts, shares a story (just after leaving the OR) in which her co-resident must help a man with a pear lodged in his rectum for 8 hours.
• The patient admits the object is a pear; attempts at removal in the ER (ring forceps, Foley catheter) are unsuccessful, so they bring him to the OR.
• “You gotta be really careful when you’re using a pear. [...] He definitely was using an unripened pear.” – Dan Rather [30:20]
• Surgeons struggle until Hannah is asked to try due to her “tiny hands” and successfully removes the pear—but then returns to retrieve a mysterious “stool ball” that turns out to be a clementine, turning the case into the “fruit salad” story.
• The team cheers; Hannah is henceforth recognized as “Tiny Hands O,” and jokes about other retrieved objects (honorable mention: “pool noodle”).
• Hannah shouts out her Armchair-obsessed husband for introducing her to the show.

Notable Quotes

• “My hand is like half the size of his hand. He’s like, ‘OK, you wanna give it a try?’” – Hannah [35:29]
• “It’s a clementine.” – Hannah [36:57]
• “Fruit salad.” – Monica and Dan, throughout [37:44]

Memorable Moments

• Brainstorming unorthodox medical retrieval techniques: “You know what they would do on Grey’s Anatomy? They’d stick a mouse up there...”
• Dan’s recurring (and strangely intuitive) knack for predicting both objects and patient motivation.

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5. Story 4: Debbie – The ER PA and the Rural Stab Wound

• [38:56–46:10]

Story Summary

• Debbie, an ER PA in rural Vermont/New Hampshire, details a rural case.
• She receives an ambulance patient, a middle-aged man presenting as a “stab wound with massive blood loss” but stable vitals.
• The “stab wound” is self-inflicted: the patient, whose wife was out of town, experimented by inserting a Kong dog toy in his rectum, then attempted to retrieve it using various household items—culminating in a kitchen knife that caused substantial internal bleeding and required medevac and a colostomy.
• The case is painted as equal parts absurd and heartbreaking—underscoring the risks of shame and isolation.
• Dan and Monica reflect on the tragedy beneath the farce: “Shame is so powerful. Not only did he not want to tell his wife, now he’s got a fucking colostomy bag, and now he’s got to tell her the whole thing.” – Dan Rather [44:00]

Notable Quotes

• “I need to explore this kink of mine that I’ve had for years that I don’t want to talk about with my wife.” – Debbie [41:25]
• “This is the most thought I’ve ever seen into a rectal point…” – Debbie [42:16]
• “Shame is so powerful.” – Dan Rather [44:00]

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• “I have a bike handle up my ass. Why would you ask me that question?” – Kristen (patient) [08:38]
• “One person’s foreign object is another person’s great start.” – Dan Rather [12:01]
• “A thousand percent sexual. [...] Once you pair [meth] with sex, it’s turboed.” – Dan Rather [24:34]
• “Your colon’s kind of like a vacuum.” – Rachel [21:55]
• “It’s a clementine.” – Hannah [36:57]
• “Fruit salad.” – group reaction [37:44]
• “This is the most thought I’ve ever seen into a rectal point.” – Debbie [42:16]
• “Shame is so powerful… now he’s got to tell [his wife] the whole thing.” – Dan Rather [44:00]

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Audience Insights: Humor, Humanity, and Vulnerability

• The hosts and guests interweave graphic medical reality with irrepressible laughter, medical curiosity, and empathy.
• The recurring mention of shame, especially in Debbie’s story, exposes the emotional and relational toll of such scenarios.
• Multiple guests referenced high frequency of such cases, breaking stigma and normalizing the discussion.

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Practical & Curious Medical Notes

• Vibrator battery lifespans debated: “Magic bullet vibrator runs on a single AAA battery and can last up to 4.5 hours of continuous use.” – Dan Rather [13:32]
• Creative (sometimes inadvisable) home attempts at removal: tongs, vacuums, cutlery, and the hosts’ own hypothetical techniques.

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Concluding Thoughts

• The episode closes with the hosts reflecting on whether such storytelling deters or inspires risky experimentation.
• Each story, whether harrowing, hilarious, or both, ultimately affirms the Armchair Expert’s mission: to celebrate the challenges, messes, and outright weirdness of being human.

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Timestamps of Key Segments

• [03:39] – Kristen’s first day nursing story (Vibrator & bike handle)
• [16:37] – Rachel’s surgical tech story (Industrial screwdriver & meth)
• [27:04] – Hannah’s surgical story (Pear & clementine retrieval)
• [38:56] – Debbie’s rural ER story (Kong toy, knife, stigma)
• [44:00] – Dan reflects on shame and the need for compassion

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Tone & Language

The show mixes clinical detail with irreverent humor, empathy, and candid discussion about sex, shame, and the unpredictable things people do. The conversations remain respectful toward the patients, focusing on the humanity and vulnerability at play, with frequent asides, medical facts, and running jokes about speculation, solutions, and the ever-inventive human body.

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Transcript

[Dan Rather]

Welcome, welcome. Welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Rather and I'm joined by Monica Mouse.

[Monica Mouse]

Hi.

[Dan Rather]

Hello, Fun Mouse. Today we have part two of quickly becoming our favorite prompt, Foreign Object in. But we've yet to hear one that's not fantastic.

[Monica Mouse]

They're so good. And this one, there was some. There was.

[Dan Rather]

There's some blood in one.

[Rachel]

Blood.

[Dan Rather]

Blood. Warning.

[Monica Mouse]

There's sadness.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Dan Rather]

There's humiliation. There's like a tenderness to one of the stories. And then there's some hilarity.

[Monica Mouse]

As you would expect, there's no female President Barbies up the button. This one. Thank goodness.

[Rachel]

For once.

[Dan Rather]

Right? But every other conceivable option is there.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Dan Rather]

As you'll hear, please enjoy Foreign Objects in But Part two. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace, the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. When we were building the Armchair Expert website, Rob actually used Squarespace to get it up and running, which was a smart choice because they've got everything you need in one place to create something that actually looks professional. What really stands out is their blueprint AI feature. It's like having a design assistant that helps you build a site that doesn't look like every other cookie cutter template out there. Answer a few questions about what you're trying to do, and it creates something that actually fits your vision. If you're someone who offers services, whether that's coaching, consulting, creative work, whatever, Squarespace handles all the business stuff too. Payment processing, scheduling, client management. No more juggling five different platforms just to get paid for what you do. The whole thing is designed so you can focus on your actual work instead of wrestling with website tech, which, let's be honest, most of us would rather avoid. So head to squarespace.comdax for a free trial, and when you're ready to Launch, use code DAX to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. We are supported by Quints.

[Monica Mouse]

I love Quince.

[Dan Rather]

Who did we just run into that said they were buying Quince because of our show? It was on the red carpet, wasn't it?

[Monica Mouse]

It was.

[Hannah]

Oh.

[Dan Rather]

As we were getting interviewed.

[Monica Mouse]

Yes, yes.

[Dan Rather]

And I said, well, you're welcome. I don't feel the least bit bad driving anyone to Quince because the quality is outstanding.

[Monica Mouse]

It really is. Their clothes are great and also their home goods are great.

[Dan Rather]

They're solid. That's the thing with Quince. They've figured out how to deliver premium quality without the luxury markup. We're talking Mongolian cashmere sweater, Italian leather outerwear wool coats that are built to last multiple seasons. They cut out the middlemen and work directly with trusted factories that have real standards for craftsmanship and ethical production. So you're getting the same quality you'd expect from high end brands, just at prices that actually make sense. These aren't trendy pieces that fall apart after one season. They're classic styles you'll reach for year after year. Refresh your winter wardrobe with quint. Go to quint.comstacks for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N c e.comdax for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quints.comdax hard times come and go Good times take them slow My life I had them both Remember one thing you got to know I'mma keep on shining. Hello, Is it connecting audio? Can you hear us? Give me a thumbs up if you can hear us. And don't panic. Everyone has problems.

[Monica Mouse]

Panic.

[Dan Rather]

Don't panic.

[Kristen]

Well, now you guys can probably hear me.

[Dan Rather]

Now we can hear you. You seem to be in a little person's bedroom.

[Hannah]

My daughter's.

[Kristen]

She is 5 years old and she turned 6 January 31st. My birthday was yesterday and my wife was on the second. So happy belated birthday.

[Monica Mouse]

Dax W. She's a J2C also.

[Dan Rather]

You guys are two days apart. Three days apart.

[Kristen]

Three days apart. Yeah.

[Dan Rather]

I find that to be very rare. Am I the only one that thinks that.

[Monica Mouse]

I've never thought about that.

[Dan Rather]

Couples generally are not in my experience.

[Kristen]

Anecdotally, she is 16 years older than me, so I think that kind of plays a part in it. We are an age gap family.

[Dan Rather]

Good for her.

[Monica Mouse]

Oh, my God. You were a sweet 16 birthday present to her. And then it just came late.

[Kristen]

Yep, that's how it worked.

[Dan Rather]

Also, she's a baller. Way to get a young chick.

[Kristen]

Yeah, she actually got her driver's license on the day that I was born.

[Monica Mouse]

Oh, my God.

[Kristen]

But she's a hottie. You wouldn't know that she was that much older than me. She's beautiful.

[Dan Rather]

Wait, how old is she? Are she and I the same age?

[Kristen]

I am 44, so she just turned 60.

[Dan Rather]

Okay, nice. Okay, tell us about the foreign object in a butt.

[Kristen]

Okay, so I went to Georgia Southern University, and when I graduated, I was having a hard time finding a job, so I started working for a trucking company. And my dad was not happy. He was like, I want you to be a teacher. I want you to do Something that you can fall back on. So I decided to go to nursing. I went to a two year school. I'm not going to tell you which state it is in, but there are ranges from 18 years old to like 50 people going back to school. And I was so not wanting to do this in the first place, but I get into the program and I have most of my math and science and all that stuff done. They do clinicals, okay? So in these clinical rotations, you start with geriatrics, then you go to med surgery. You progress.

[Dan Rather]

Wait, can I ask an inappropriate question?

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Dan Rather]

Do you start with geriatrics because they're expendable? Like if you fuck up, they're already at the end.

[Kristen]

I think most of it is because it weeds out. You're wiping so many butts and you're taking out garbage and you're doing a lot of stuff that you don't necessarily do as an rn, but you do need to know how to do it and you really should do it. So it kind of warms you up. But my second rotation, which is the first in a hospital, is at this low income area the very first day. They have us come in at five o' clock in the morning and you don't actually technically start until 7am, but because it's the first day, you have to go through orientation and they're telling you about OSHA and HIPAA and all that kind of stuff and they're very professional and say, hey, this is a low income area. You're going to have some people that come in with a earache and you're gonna look in it and it's gonna be a roach, it's gonna be a spider.

[Monica Mouse]

Oh my God, that just made me so itchy.

[Dan Rather]

Monica just threw her headphones out and dug in her ear.

[Monica Mouse]

I just felt like there was a real spider.

[Dan Rather]

Look in your cup for a mouse.

[Monica Mouse]

Stop.

[Dan Rather]

Oh, mice, bugs, snake in your butt. Be careful.

[Monica Mouse]

Oh, is that where this is gonna go?

[Kristen]

No, thank God. And they're also like, hey, you're gonna get all different kinds of patients. And it is what it is. This is not a fancy place. This is not going to be comfortable for you. So we go upstairs. Around 6:30 in the morning, we meet our nursing precept for the first time. There's five of us nursing students and they hand you your patient for the day. And it's your very first time. First time in scrubs. It's super uncomfortable. I don't know where anything is.

[Dan Rather]

Yeah. Are you excited or scared?

[Kristen]

I was panicked. So they hand you a patient and you only get one. It's your first day, they don't overwhelm you, but it is still overwhelming. You're getting their patient history, you're getting their medications, you're getting all the information that you need to know about this person. And then you go sit down and you write down their medications and what the side effects are and all this stuff. So I'm watching all these people get their patients and it's like one page. I have five pages of a medical history on a 83 year old man. I start reading and I get to the final page and it's foreign object near the cecum, all the way up there.

[Dan Rather]

Wait, what's this cecum?

[Kristen]

It's been a long time, but I think there's like five levels to your intestines. Your first one is your sigmoid. And then it kind of goes around and around and around and your cecum is pretty close to your appendix. Because I'm an older student, my brain doesn't go to, oh, this is something he swallowed. I automatically go, this is sexual. I get that a nurse has to deal with all this stuff, but as a student, I'm like, no, no.

[Dan Rather]

First step back.

[Kristen]

I knew it wasn't a joke, but I'm like, are they trying with us? So I go to the nursing precept and she doesn't know me. She looks at my name tag and she's like, kristin, are you kidding me? It's your first time ever? And I was like, oh, okay. And I'm panicking because I'm like trying to do this for my parents.

[Monica Mouse]

Oh, no.

[Kristen]

So I go into the room for the very first time. He's laying down again. 83 years old. He looks completely healthy, but he's half asleep and he doesn't want me in the room. And the first thing that you do as a nurse when you go into a room is a head to toe assessment. And the last question I ask him is, on a scale of 1 to 10, where are you at? And he goes, I have a bike handle up my ass. Why would you ask me that question? He's pissed at me. And I was like, I'm so sorry. If there's anything I can do to make you more comfortable, let me know. And he's like, they already gave me my meds because he was in so much pain. They had given him meds overnight. So. So I end up going into his room over the next couple of hours and he warms up to me. He's just an older man that's grumpy, but he is like a grandpa.

[Dan Rather]

Anyone would be grumpy with a bike part up their ass. Probably. Yeah.

[Monica Mouse]

I kind of agree with him when he said, why would you ask me that?

[Kristen]

I didn't know what it was in his patient history. It just said foreign object near cecum. And then he warms up and he basically starts telling me every time I go in the room a little bit more about this story. So he ordered a magic bullet online. Do you know what I'm talking about?

[Dan Rather]

To hold cocaine?

[Monica Mouse]

I'm like, what?

[Kristen]

It's a vibrator.

[Dan Rather]

Oh, yeah.

[Kristen]

It was too small for him. So he decided to go to his bicycle, take the rubber handle off of it and put the vibrator into it.

[Monica Mouse]

To give it some girth to fill it out.

[Kristen]

Right? So he takes it, puts it in the bike handle. It gets lost.

[Monica Mouse]

Oh, my God.

[Kristen]

He has a bicycle. Because he cannot drive, he either uses his bicycle or public transportation. While the hospital was too far for the bicycle, he was so embarrassed that he decided to wait until the battery died. What?

[Rachel]

Wow.

[Dan Rather]

Hold on. Let's just comprehend his hold on.

[Monica Mouse]

So it's going off inside.

[Dan Rather]

He lost control of it.

[Monica Mouse]

I hope he at least had some of it.

[Dan Rather]

I wondered if while he's panicked every now and then he's like letting in little rays of pleasure and how long does a battery last with a vibrator?

[Kristen]

Mine lasts pretty long.

[Monica Mouse]

Me too. But if it's going nonstop, stop.

[Dan Rather]

Maybe four hours.

[Kristen]

I don't know.

[Dan Rather]

Rob asked chat how long? A magic bullet.

[Monica Mouse]

I'm going to take a couple weeks off and I'll get back to you guys on a real fact check.

[Kristen]

So he had to wait till the battery died, got on public transportation, and basically the bike handle stopped and stayed in his sigmoid and the bullet just kept traveling. He had to have surgery, and he ended up being just such a great patient that day. I did ask him because we ended up having this kind of relationship. I was like, why? You know? He said, my wife died 20 years ago. A man's got to do what a man's got to do.

[Dan Rather]

Okay?

[Kristen]

By the time they came in to get him for surgery, which was around 2pm that day, the nursing precept realized that I had not been kidding and it was not appropriate for me to have that patient. And she was actually extremely nice to me going forward. So the experience of working at that hospital was awesome. After that, I highly recommend not going to a low income hospital if you don't have to, but the people were awesome.

[Dan Rather]

Yeah.

[Monica Mouse]

Oh, my gosh. It's a happy story because you made a friend.

[Dan Rather]

It's unfortunate for him, but one person's foreign object is another person's great start.

[Monica Mouse]

You know what they say.

[Kristen]

But that was my very first day.

[Dan Rather]

Oh, wow.

[Kristen]

It definitely broke the ice as far as dealing with patients.

[Dan Rather]

Did you get home and immediately call your dad and tell him 100? Yeah, of course, of course. Like, okay, I did what you wanted.

[Monica Mouse]

Me to do and look where it led me.

[Dan Rather]

I'm digging in some old timers bonds to find a magic bullet.

[Kristen]

Exactly.

[Dan Rather]

There's something also incredibly sweet about that story.

[Monica Mouse]

I know. That's what I'm saying.

[Debbie]

Yeah.

[Dan Rather]

I could see like an Alexander Payne movie where like there's an old timer, like he starts at the store asking for a little bit shy to ask for the magic bullet.

[Monica Mouse]

But the real story is about the friendship. Oh, well, Chris, that's a great story.

[Dan Rather]

Yeah, we loved it. It's rare that these foreign objects and butt are life affirming. Make you feel happy and tingly, give you warm fuz.

[Kristen]

I was happy to get to share. I'm a huge fan, Monica, you being from Duluth and my stepbrother and sister actually went to school with you. One of them graduated with you.

[Rachel]

What?

[Kristen]

Every time you bring up scad or you guys talk about the 5A. I played sports and so yes, they had five A's on the shirt.

[Rachel]

Thank you.

[Kristen]

Yeah. And that was back when it was 5A. I don't know. Now that they have like 6 and 7. I don't know if they're fitting all that on, but I graduated in 99.

[Monica Mouse]

Yes. I'm so glad you're here to affirm me. Well, this was so fun.

[Rachel]

Fun.

[Monica Mouse]

So nice to meet you.

[Dan Rather]

Really nice meeting you, Kristen.

[Kristen]

Thank you guys so much. Have a great day.

[Dan Rather]

All right.

[Rachel]

Bye.

[Dan Rather]

Bye. Take care. Magic bullet vibrator runs on a single AAA battery and can last up to 4.5 hours of continuous use. Did I guess four? Yeah. You said four. Yeah.

[Monica Mouse]

Now you charge them. You don't have batteries?

[Dan Rather]

Well, no, there are still many that you put the thing in. The rechargeable one lasts 49 minutes to two hours.

[Monica Mouse]

Okay, less.

[Dan Rather]

But what's nice about your kind is you can leave the charger cord on exactly. So you can pull it out of your butt.

[Monica Mouse]

No, but if you leave it plugged in far up there, then it's just on.

[Dan Rather]

I know, but you got the cord attached. That's what I'm saying. Use it with the cord attached and then if it gets up your butt, you can pull on the cord and bring it out.

[Monica Mouse]

The cord comes out, but she's still up there.

[Dan Rather]

This episode is sponsored by Better Help. The new year doesn't require a new you, maybe just a less burdened you. A lot of us carry around fear, pressure, doubt therapy can help you identify what's weighing you down by offering an unbiased perspective to better understand your relationship, your motivations, your emotions.

[Monica Mouse]

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[Dan Rather]

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[Rachel]

I'm in the room that has a light activator, so I have to wave it on every couple minutes.

[Dan Rather]

Oh, sure. Like those bathroom lights that go off.

[Rachel]

Yeah, you can't see me in the fort.

[Dan Rather]

And I know immediately you're a Monica superfan.

[Monica Mouse]

There's a friend.

[Dan Rather]

Sweatshirt has been worn.

[Monica Mouse]

I love it. It's a Chandler and Joey sweatshirt.

[Dan Rather]

Doing one of their silly boy things. Being funny, misunderstanding one another. What fake name are we gonna go with?

[Rachel]

You guys can pick Rachel. Oh, I'll take it.

[Dan Rather]

So you're Rachel. Besides, unauthorized evacuation, this is our favorite prompt.

[Monica Mouse]

It's a fun one.

[Dan Rather]

Do you know what we've unfortunately never had? And I doubt we ever will have. Unless Rachel is that lucky person. We've not had someone called that they themselves had a foreign object. I do want to hear from the horse's ass one of these times.

[Monica Mouse]

Me too. I really would commend their bravery.

[Kristen]

Me too.

[Monica Mouse]

Vulnerability.

[Dan Rather]

And I would treat it very respectfully.

[Monica Mouse]

Unless they put a Presidential Barbie, then. That would be tough.

[Rachel]

I will say this is not my only story of this.

[Dan Rather]

Girl. Are you in the medical profession?

[Rachel]

I am. So. I'm actually in PA school right now, but I am a surgical technologist, so I actually work on the OR end. So I'm kind of the person that they call after the mysterious item has failed to come out in the er.

[Monica Mouse]

Got it. Okay.

[Dan Rather]

Okay. You're really boots on the ground in this situation.

[Rachel]

I'm like, elbows deep. Literally.

[Monica Mouse]

Oh, my. This is exciting. This is very exciting.

[Dan Rather]

Great.

[Rachel]

To give you a little bit of background, I am a mom and I was trying to finish my Bachelor's. So I was working a lot of nights and weekends, working the odd shifts and that kind of requires me to do a little bit more. So I was actually helping run the front desk. So I get a lot of the phone calls. So this particular weekend, I have a surgeon on call and he's a new doctor. He's maybe been out of residency for, like, nine months. Salt the earth. One of the most humble, kind surgeons I've ever met.

[Monica Mouse]

I thought maybe he was going to be super arrogant because he was new and he wanted to prove himself.

[Dan Rather]

Well, also, all surgeons are arrogant. We've already discovered this. Yeah, they'll admit it to you.

[Rachel]

Yeah, they have a little bit. But I'm pretty fortunate. I work with a lot of really, really good people. And he was just the best and was so kind to all of his patients. So he's on call and he gives me a phone call and I answered at the front desk. And he's like, hey, I have an inguinal hernia downstairs. And I just am waiting for the scan. And I said, okay, that sounds great. I'll get stuff ready. And inguinal hernias are a dime a dozen. We do them all the time.

[Dan Rather]

Where is that tear? Yeah, where was the location of that hernia?

[Rachel]

They're mostly in men because it's in your groin area. Oh, there goes the light. So they're kind of in the inguinal area because men's spermatic cord actually goes through your peritoneum. So sometimes that hole can get bigger and things can get down in there. So I'm kind of like, regular case, no worries. And he calls me back, and I'm like, we ready to go? Did you get the scan? And he was like, so I think I need to change the procedure. So I'm kind of thinking sometimes it can get down until the scrotal sack, maybe the testicle came up. And he was like, no, no, there's something in there. And I said, something in where?

[Dan Rather]

Yeah, yeah.

[Monica Mouse]

What?

[Dan Rather]

Pray tell?

[Rachel]

He's like, there's something in them, and I don't think they know that it's there.

[Dan Rather]

Oh.

[Rachel]

He was like, I'm just gonna come up and I'm just gonna show it to you. Part of my job is anticipating the supplies that we need because I scrub in and I help them. So I kind of need to know what's going on so that I can prepare. So he comes up and he pulls up the scan, and I'm looking at it, and this guy does have an inguinal hernia, which is what he came in to complain for. But he also has this bright white, which usually means it's metal, 8 to 9 inch thing in his abdomen.

[Dan Rather]

In his abdomen, not his rectum.

[Rachel]

Well, so my first thought was, did this guy get stabbed with, like, a shiv? Because I've seen a lot of scans where things are stuck in people's rectums. They're usually near the bottom, right? This one was kind of off to the side, not a hundred percent on the bottom, but far enough that my first instinct wasn't, this guy stuck this up his rectum and he didn't swallow it. So I'm like, okay, what are we dealing with? So we're trying to come up with a plan because we're like, is this a pen? Is it a butter knife? We're not 100% sure.

[Dan Rather]

A wrench?

[Rachel]

Yeah. I'm like, I don't know what it is. So I'm just going to prepare for everything. And I said, well, how did it get in there? And he said, your colon's kind of like a vacuum. I guess he put it in there and then forgot about it. In order for it to travel that far up into your colon. And I was like, how do you.

[Monica Mouse]

Forget unless he just accidentally sat on it.

[Dan Rather]

We're clearly all thinking, for us, putting enormous thing up our butt would be the first time, so it'd be very memorable. But you might be forgetting if you do this every day, 20 times a month, all year, I guess. Yeah, you might forget.

[Monica Mouse]

Yep. Because actually, we can kind of relate to this. Maybe tampons.

[Dan Rather]

Tampons, you would think. How on earth could you forget you have a tampon.

[Monica Mouse]

Exactly.

[Rachel]

But you can at this point. If you have a sharp thing in your abdomen, we're not dealing with your hernia. He went down, he consented. Him. We bring this patient up to the operating room and we kind of get started. And I don't want to get too gross. This is my job, so it's not gross to me. But we open this person up.

[Dan Rather]

When you say opens them up, you dilate his asshole. Or you've cut into him.

[Rachel]

This one, because it was so far up, we just do an incision right down the middle. And at this point, we don't know what it is. So we're tenderly, oh, my God.

[Monica Mouse]

Like in Grey's Anatomy.

[Dan Rather]

Also, isn't it crazy that you can just open up a human and, like, feel around for stuff? It's so weird.

[Monica Mouse]

It is.

[Rachel]

We can even, like, move things out to get to things. So we're feeling around. We kind of feel where it is. And then by some miracle, this person hasn't perforated their bowel by having this thing in there. Because usually when you move around, it'll poke through. So we gently open it. And I'm holding it open, and he reaches in there, he's like, oh, it's slippery. So I give him a clamp and he pulls it out. And it's a screwdriver.

[Dan Rather]

A screw. I was on the right track. I was feeling mechanical. A flathead or a Phillips head.

[Rachel]

So this was a specific headed screwdriver. Honestly, I went home and I told my husband, I'm trying to explain it. And he was like, oh, this is an industrial warehead. We couldn't see the plastic handle. And that's why we didn't know that it was a screwdriver because that didn't show up on X ray. Unfortunately, this man was unhoused. So we figured he actually might be using the screwdriver to try and get into buildings to sleep in the wintertime and didn't want anyone to take it from him. So that was kind of our conclusion.

[Dan Rather]

That's a whole nother.

[Monica Mouse]

That's a big leap. That's a leap, Rachel.

[Dan Rather]

You guys are medical geniuses, but this is a very bad detective theory because.

[Monica Mouse]

You'Re giving a lot of benefit of the doubt, I have to say.

[Dan Rather]

Also, there's a lot of places to hide a screwdriver before we go rectal.

[Monica Mouse]

Did you ask?

[Rachel]

I did not ask. The surgeon asked. But he was on meth.

[Dan Rather]

You called the right person.

[Rachel]

Okay.

[Dan Rather]

It was a thousand percent sexual. Because the whole addictive quality to meth is once you pair it with sex, it's turboed. So definitely he was on meth, banging his prostate. I mean, there's just no question.

[Rachel]

But then forgot about it.

[Dan Rather]

Well, he got distracted.

[Rachel]

I mean, that's true, too. I was trying to be like, okay, this is very specific. You can't go buy one of these screwdrivers at the store. Where'd you get it?

[Monica Mouse]

Oh, no, it's probably rusty too.

[Dan Rather]

Well, I mean, did you give him a tetanus shot?

[Monica Mouse]

Yeah, that's what I mean. He needs a lot.

[Rachel]

It was so covered in other stuff.

[Dan Rather]

Wow, man. A nine inch. That's a lot of metal. Like, when you're bending over, you're feeling that. It's insane. It didn't cut.

[Rachel]

That's kind of why I was thinking, how did he forget about it? Because it probably had to be in there for a week or two or maybe even more in order to travel up at least as far as it did. Because your colon kind of goes this way, but then at the bottom, you have a sigmoid colon that's literally shaped like an S. And it was above.

[Dan Rather]

The S. It went through the twisties.

[Rachel]

It was actually really impressive.

[Monica Mouse]

Anything's possible.

[Dan Rather]

Methyl help with all that?

[Monica Mouse]

I guess so. It loosened everything up.

[Dan Rather]

It's one of the few benefits you can ignore. Quite a bit of discomfort.

[Rachel]

When he comes up to the or, he was the nicest person ever. He's like, oh, hey, what's up? Thanks for helping me. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. So I actually had the screwdriver cleaned with the rest of the instruments and gave it to the surgeon to give back to him. And the surgeon was kind of like, use with caution. Slash. If you were storing it, maybe find a different spot.

[Dan Rather]

Wow, it's quite a theory you guys came up with.

[Monica Mouse]

Oh, that's great.

[Dan Rather]

Well, Rachel, that was delightful. Thank you so much.

[Rachel]

So I need to shout out my little sister Nicole. She was super upset that she couldn't skip work. And then my other siblings, Kelsey and Ben, we kind of have a sibling chat, and we all listen to Armchair, and I got everyone hooked, and they were like, you have to submit a story. And then we also did a poll for which one I should tell.

[Dan Rather]

An embarrassment of riches.

[Monica Mouse]

Oh, a whole family. I love that.

[Dan Rather]

An embarrassment of riches.

[Monica Mouse]

Oh, wow, that was good.

[Dan Rather]

Okay, well, shout out to the family.

[Rachel]

Thank you so much.

[Dan Rather]

I appreciate you guys. Take care.

[Monica Mouse]

Oh, my God. And you're in scrubs.

[Hannah]

I just walked out of the or.

[Monica Mouse]

I'm so sorry.

[Dan Rather]

Wow, that's great. Because we were a little late.

[Monica Mouse]

That's amazing. We've never talked to someone straight out of the or.

[Dan Rather]

What if we had a real time? That'd be exciting because you knew the surgery was gonna take place at a certain time and you, like, told Emma. Like, it would be ideal if we could talk at 11:55. Oh, Hannah, where are you? Other than the hospital, obviously?

[Hannah]

I'm in Western Massachusetts.

[Dan Rather]

Western Mass.

[Monica Mouse]

And this hospital looks nice. The bed is, like, wooden.

[Dan Rather]

Have you ever been to Western Mass? The whole place is a storybook.

[Kristen]

It is.

[Hannah]

This is the call room. This is the best I could do.

[Debbie]

Yeah.

[Dan Rather]

It looks like you're in a Civil War hospital. I know that wooden bed frame. I bet wood is, like, really bad as far as collecting germs.

[Monica Mouse]

But this is where the doctors hang and sleep.

[Hannah]

Well, I mean, we don't sleep here much. There's just no time.

[Dan Rather]

People have definitely fornicated on that bed behind you.

[Hannah]

Rest assured, 100%.

[Dan Rather]

Yeah. Also, would you agree with me, and I say this with love and fellowship, Nurses and doctors are perverts.

[Hannah]

Absolutely.

[Rachel]

Well, yeah.

[Monica Mouse]

You're choosing to get inside the body and deal with so.

[Hannah]

Also, I'm a general surgery resident.

[Monica Mouse]

You're so smart. I feel jealous and scared.

[Dan Rather]

I want you to operate on me someday.

[Hannah]

Okay. What do you want me to do?

[Dan Rather]

Whatever pops up, I guess.

[Hannah]

Gallbladder, appendix, I'll take it out. Also, I wanted to say my first patient of 2026 was a rectal for worn body. That's not this case.

[Dan Rather]

No way. It's going to be a great year.

[Monica Mouse]

Yeah, that's good luck.

[Hannah]

I walk in 5am and they're like, oh, do we have a case for you?

[Monica Mouse]

And it's not the one you're going to tell us. This is.

[Dan Rather]

I got the wrong job.

[Hannah]

So my co resident will call him kd. He was on the night shift. He gets a consult from the ED. Rectal, foreign body. Okay, fine. It's like 4:00am he's almost done. And he's like, okay, I'm gonna go take care of this. So ED calls and says, I've got this patient down here, about 50 year old guy came into the ED with abdominal pain. He's hemodynamically stable. But he's had a pear stuck in his rectum for eight hours.

[Dan Rather]

A pear.

[Monica Mouse]

A pear. The fruit.

[Rachel]

A fruit.

[Hannah]

The pear with the stem, you know, just a pear.

[Dan Rather]

I get it. It's a little bit. Oh my God.

[Monica Mouse]

Stop saying you get it. You've been getting all of these.

[Dan Rather]

The pear is very inviting. Think about it.

[Monica Mouse]

Not for butt.

[Dan Rather]

Sure. Because it's a little narrower at the front.

[Monica Mouse]

Okay.

[Dan Rather]

Okay. Never mind. You're disappointed.

[Monica Mouse]

Inserting wise.

[Dan Rather]

I guess it's nature's butt plug. Okay.

[Hannah]

Okay.

[Rachel]

Okay.

[Monica Mouse]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

So I'd been there eight hours and he was having abdominal pain, comes into the ed. So the ED had gotten an X ray to see kind of where the pear was to see if there's any free air.

[Dan Rather]

And really quick, did the patient say, hey, it's a pear or from the X ray in the pear shape. It was concluded it was a pear.

[Hannah]

The patient said, there is a pear.

[Monica Mouse]

Why not?

[Dan Rather]

Okay, great. Sorry, I gotta add one more thing. Sorry, Monica. Might as well just grab the bridge of her nose.

[Monica Mouse]

I just want to hear it.

[Dan Rather]

I know, I know. You gotta be really careful when you're using a pear. Because if you've eaten a lot of pears, you know, when they get ripe, they get so soft. Like he definitely was using an unripened pear because you can just put your fingers through it on accident. Like those pears get so tender when they're ripe.

[Monica Mouse]

I mean, we had somebody else on earlier who had a vibrator, a magic bullet up there. And he was, was respectful enough to wait till the battery died before he came into the hospital. So I'm surprised that he didn't just say like, I'm just gonna wait till this disintegrates in me.

[Dan Rather]

He was in pain though, right?

[Hannah]

It was the pain. And also my first case was a vibrator this year.

[Dan Rather]

Okay, great.

[Monica Mouse]

Okay.

[Hannah]

And they had died. So anyway, they got an X ray. Okay. It's in there. There's no free air. Meaning, unlikely that it's perfed. Connecticut is a lot better for looking for free air. But it wasn't indicated he's hemodynamically stable. So kd, he goes down to the ed, he evaluates the patient. Guy looks okay, gets the story goes to grab some supplies to try and get the payer out to give the patient some medication. They can't do full sedation in the ed. They can just kind of relax them a little bit. And he gives it a shot. He does the Foley catheter, inserts the Foley past the pair, blows it up, tries to pull it out, but it's slipping past the pear. He tries ring forceps. These are it. I brought them.

[Dan Rather]

Oh.

[Monica Mouse]

Are those the exact ones he used?

[Hannah]

They're the exact size he used, but not the pear?

[Debbie]

Yeah, I mean.

[Monica Mouse]

Oh, the pear. Wow.

[Dan Rather]

Double entendre.

[Hannah]

The pear was not ripe enough. It was like slipping off. The guy's rectum was getting a little bit irritated, so they got another X ray. He's still stable. X ray still looks fine, but the pear is still in there. So next step is KD has to call the attending surgeon. So as residents, we have to staff consults with our attendings, and if there's someone that needs to go the or, we have to call them, let them know it needs to go the or. Going to the OR for rectal foreign body doesn't necessarily mean you're getting an operation. It just. You can use more sedation. They can monitor the airway, make the patient more relaxed.

[Dan Rather]

Do they have a speculum for the anus? Like, is there a way to get in there and spread the whole thing out?

[Hannah]

There are anal dilators. It's like a speculum. I've also used an actual speculum. So we're all rolling in at like, 5am for our shift, and we hear Katie on the phone calling in this console. Like, hey, I've got this guy in the ed. He's got a pair stuck in his rectum. I've done everything I can. Like, I can't get this pair out. The attending has a full day of cases. So he's like, okay, I'll call the or, see when they can add it on. It's not an emergent case, but it needs to be done. So they added on. After his second case, the guy gets prepped and is taken to the or. So he goes on his way. This is where I come into the story. So I was in the or, dropped my patient off in pacu, the recovery unit. And I head over to the OR board, see what's going on, see what other cases have been added. And then when the anesthesiologist said, hey, they need you an OR5 stat. And I was like, oh, funny. Ha, ha. That's where the pair was. And Then someone comes in, and I was like, where is my intern? And then they're like, oh, he's an OR five. They've been in there for what feels like forever. They've got to be done. So finish up what I'm doing. Still not back, so I'm gonna go check out the situation. I wasn't really prepared for what I saw when I walked in the room. So the patient's in lithotomy position, which is when you're giving birth. Your legs are, like, up in the stirrups, which isn't abnormal. Like, when we're doing rectal surgeries or we're down in the pelvis, it's very common to be in that position. My Internet stand up. He's on the side of the patient, like, pushing down on the abdomen.

[Dan Rather]

Right.

[Hannah]

Trying to, like, push it out. Yeah. Like some counter pressure. The attendings at the foot of the bed, he is trying everything he can. He's so frustrated. Like, they have the anal dilators. They have the speculum type thing they're trying to get out with. Everything's just, like, slipping past her.

[Dan Rather]

They can't get to it.

[Monica Mouse]

If this was an episode of Grey's Anatomy, this is what they would do. I hope I'm not spoiling the story, but they would take a teeny, tiny mouth.

[Kristen]

Okay.

[Monica Mouse]

And then they would stick him up there.

[Dan Rather]

Okay.

[Monica Mouse]

Because then the mouse would go eat it.

[Debbie]

Oh.

[Dan Rather]

But then they'd have a fat mouse to get rid of. You'd have to keep the tail attached to something.

[Monica Mouse]

Exactly. You have a handle on the mouse's tail, so you're able to pull him back out, but he goes up there and eats some of the pear. Now, isn't that a kind of good idea?

[Hannah]

I think it's a great idea.

[Monica Mouse]

Thanks.

[Dan Rather]

I have a different one. I just want to throw one out there because a number of competing theories.

[Rachel]

Okay.

[Dan Rather]

I think you need to screw into this pear. Now, obviously, it's going to be very dangerous to try to get, like, a wine screw in, but if you could see it directly, if it was that dilated, and you could get a wine opener in there, you could bear into it and then pull it out.

[Monica Mouse]

But what if you push it further up?

[Dan Rather]

Well, you'd have to be real delicate screwing it in.

[Monica Mouse]

Okay.

[Hannah]

We have the counter pressure. We have the attending surgeon at the foot of the bed. There's another resident scrubbed. The scrub tech, the circulator nurse are both just dead inside. Everyone just wants this pair out, and they cannot get it out. So I started Walking towards the. The end of the bed. And my chief resident is in there. And he's like, hey, what size are your hands?

[Monica Mouse]

Oh, yeah.

[Hannah]

So I hold up my hand. He holds up his hand. My hand is like, half the size of his hand. He's like, okay, you want to give it a try?

[Monica Mouse]

Oh, boy.

[Hannah]

So I look at the attending. I was like, I can give it a try. He has lost all hope. They're about to open this guy up. He's like, sure, okay, fine. Give it a try. So I scrub in. I get my gown on, get my gloves on, and grab a big pile of lube, and I go in the rectum. I'm like, this far.

[Monica Mouse]

Oh, my God. To your elbow.

[Dan Rather]

Oh, so you could have never got a wine screw in there? No way.

[Hannah]

No, it was pretty far in. So I'm in there, I grab the pear. I have the pear in my hand, and I try and pull it out, and I get stuck on the pelvic ring. Like, my knuckle holding the pear. There's not enough room. I was like, there has to be enough room. Somehow. I adjust my fingers, and it flies out.

[Monica Mouse]

You're a hero.

[Dan Rather]

Do people cheer?

[Hannah]

They literally cheer up. Does everyone once.

[Kristen]

Cheering.

[Hannah]

I realized I felt something at the tip of my fingers when I was in there. Oh. And so I go back in.

[Monica Mouse]

Now you're just doing it for fun.

[Dan Rather]

Yeah. Now you're showing off.

[Hannah]

The pear was kind of tattered from all of the attempts, so I was like, it was probably just a piece of pear that had, like, flown off, got, like, pushed up, and I grab it. It's perfectly round. I thought, this is probably just a stool ball.

[Dan Rather]

Sure.

[Kristen]

Ew.

[Dan Rather]

Stool ball. I love that. That's cute.

[Hannah]

So I pull it out. It's a clementine.

[Dan Rather]

Oh, it's a fruit salad.

[Monica Mouse]

Oh, my.

[Dan Rather]

He's just missing peaches.

[Monica Mouse]

He's just sticking up so many fruits up there.

[Dan Rather]

I bet his ass smell wonderful.

[Monica Mouse]

Ew. But when fruits turn.

[Hannah]

Didn't tell anyone about the clementine.

[Monica Mouse]

Oh, my God.

[Dan Rather]

Clementine.

[Monica Mouse]

That is wild.

[Dan Rather]

Well, you must have thought I should go up for a third time.

[Monica Mouse]

Yeah, exactly.

[Kristen]

I did.

[Dan Rather]

You did? You pull out a banana? Banana.

[Monica Mouse]

Okay. Because now you thought he was so smart with the pear because of the shape, but not the clementine. That's just a circular.

[Dan Rather]

It does unravel my original argument. But why didn't he use a banana? Like, if you're going through too easy. Amateur hour.

[Monica Mouse]

He's like, been there, done that.

[Dan Rather]

Yeah. Bdd.

[Rachel]

Wow.

[Monica Mouse]

Fruit salad.

[Dan Rather]

People buy You a drink after work for this kind of thing?

[Hannah]

No, I think they still probably owe me one. I did get applause throughout the day. I'm now known as Tiny Hands O. Oh, that's great. Can I do one honorable mention? That I was not part of this case, but I wish I was. It was a pool noodle.

[Monica Mouse]

Oh, my.

[Kristen]

No.

[Dan Rather]

How people are so creative.

[Monica Mouse]

So they cut the pool noodle, obviously.

[Hannah]

Full circle.

[Monica Mouse]

Full circle, yeah.

[Dan Rather]

But they're three feet long. In fact, I bet that's what happened. He was using it and then it broke off. Like, he's probably holding on to the big end of it, you know?

[Monica Mouse]

Jesus. Why do you understand these brains so well?

[Dan Rather]

It seems all very natural and organic to me. It's all intuitive.

[Monica Mouse]

Oh, wow. This was fun.

[Dan Rather]

Oh, I loved this.

[Hannah]

Thank you. I have to do a shout out to my husband. He was a for sure day one armchair. I wish I could say I was the day one, but he was day one and they got me hooked.

[Dan Rather]

Oh, so you got a genius on your hands.

[Hannah]

I do, yeah.

[Monica Mouse]

I guess you both do. A couple of geniuses.

[Dan Rather]

Lovely meeting you, Hannah.

[Hannah]

You too. Thank you so.

[Dan Rather]

All right. Bye. Bye.

[Monica Mouse]

You're in a hospital too?

[Debbie]

Yeah.

[Monica Mouse]

Oh, we love it.

[Dan Rather]

We do. This is our second person on the scene.

[Debbie]

Hard to get days off in respiratory season, that's for sure.

[Monica Mouse]

I heard about the bad flu.

[Dan Rather]

Is there a bad flu?

[Monica Mouse]

Yeah, there's a bad flu, Right.

[Dan Rather]

What's the name of it?

[Monica Mouse]

Flu flu, comma, bad.

[Debbie]

I think it's like a K variant, but I don't remember the name of it. It's bad. We don't like it.

[Dan Rather]

What name are we going to use?

[Debbie]

I don't care. You guys can pick one for me.

[Dan Rather]

I'm going to say Debbie, the great choice. What if you go, no, you got to pick another name. My real name. No, she goes, that's my real name. I know it's not. Okay. So, Debbie, you're in the medical profession, unless you borrowed someone's stethoscope for this.

[Debbie]

I'm currently in the on call room of the hospital where I work at. I'm a erpa. This story takes place about six years ago, just before the pandemic. I used to work the night shift and the shift that I worked, when I went on off shift, I was just leaving the doctor alone, right. So as I'm going off shift, if there's an ambulance coming in, I tended to wait to just make sure that the doctor wouldn't need help with the rest of the other patients. In the department or whatever's in the truck. So we get this patch in from the ambulance, and they say, male, in his 50s, stab wounds. A lot of blood loss. Vitals seem pretty good. So that's obviously something I'm going to stay for, because the other piece, right, is I work in very rural Vermont and New Hampshire. Stab wounds, gunshot wounds. I'm normally seeing man caught under a tractor or, like, cow hit a car. So that's normally what I'm seeing. So when I heard stab wounds, I'm like, okay, like, this could be really bad. I'm gonna stay and help out the doc. As the stretcher comes in, the first odd thing is the gentleman is on the stretcher in the fetal position. They're normally on their backs. And I'll never forget, I've not even seen this since there was just blood pouring off the stretcher.

[Monica Mouse]

Oh, my God.

[Debbie]

So we get him settled in the room for the volume of blood loss that we're seeing. It's remarkable because this guy, his vitals look great. He's doing okay. He's talking to us.

[Dan Rather]

Is his blood pressure low?

[Debbie]

Blood pressure is a hair low. But he's mentating. Great. He knows where he is. He knows who he is. He's able to tell us the story. Thank goodness. Because we're like, what the heck is going on here?

[Dan Rather]

Does mentating mean he's mentally sharp?

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Dan Rather]

Oh, that's a new word for us.

[Monica Mouse]

Context clues.

[Dan Rather]

Did you know what mentating meant? I mean, we figured it out, but it's a great new word. Also sounds like menstruating. Very close.

[Monica Mouse]

Similar.

[Dan Rather]

And he was bleeding. Okay, continue.

[Debbie]

Yes. So this gentleman in his 50s, his wife went out of town, was out for a couple of days.

[Monica Mouse]

They shouldn't do that.

[Debbie]

Men need that external brain.

[Rachel]

Unfortunately.

[Debbie]

She'S gone. He's like, I need to explore this kink of mine that I've had for years that I don't want to talk about with my wife. And being a man in the small town, can't go to a sex store, obviously. I don't know if six years ago, he didn't think he could get it delivered in a discrete box or what it was, but he was like, I'm gonna use an item from home. Looks around his house. They own a dog. So he finds one of those Kong toys. Are you guys familiar with those?

[Dan Rather]

Is that the kind you fill with peanut butter or something? It's, like, shaped like a bee's eyes, almost big rubber. It's a butt plug.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[Debbie]

And, like, much wider at the base, and then you can stuff things inside of it. So this guy thought, okay, can't find a sex toy. I wanna try this. And it's really smart because there's a hole in it. So I'll be able to grab the hole and pull it back out, Right?

[Dan Rather]

Yeah.

[Monica Mouse]

I was thinking. Think some things through.

[Debbie]

Yeah. No, this is, like, the most thought I've ever seen into a rectal point. So this is great so far. He puts it in as the butt does it. Kind of suctioned it right up. Right. And kind of took it a little bit further up. So he was no longer able to reach it. Wife calls. She's on her way home.

[Kristen]

Oh. Early.

[Debbie]

Yes.

[Monica Mouse]

She sensed it.

[Debbie]

So he's like, I've got to get this out right now.

[Monica Mouse]

Oh, my God.

[Debbie]

So he gets some grill tongs. He tries some tongs. He tries a hand. Right. He tried, like, a vacuum cleaner at one point.

[Dan Rather]

I think says, smart guy. Yeah.

[Debbie]

Tries a lot of things. Engineering. Right. He's panicking now, and so he finds a knife, and he says, if I hear it.

[Monica Mouse]

No, no, no.

[Debbie]

I'll be able to pull it right out.

[Dan Rather]

That's one step away from. If I take a shotgun, I can blast it out.

[Monica Mouse]

He's so pale.

[Dan Rather]

It's also like a comedy set piece. It's like he gets this thing in, it goes sideways. Now the wife calls. It's like the stakes are building.

[Hannah]

A knife.

[Debbie]

A knife. So this poor gentleman at least did not get the knife stuck in there. But the Kong was still quite lodged in there. We obviously weren't able to get out. We ended up flying him to a trauma center where he had to have all that repaired. And he ended up with an ostomy.

[Monica Mouse]

What's that?

[Debbie]

They rearrange your intestines, and you have the hole on the front with the bag.

[Monica Mouse]

Oh, my God.

[Debbie]

He was no longer able to use his rectum.

[Dan Rather]

That's not called a colostomy.

[Debbie]

Colostomy is coming out of the colon. The ostomy is like, the actual hole.

[Kristen]

Oh.

[Dan Rather]

Kind of like a stoma and a. Yep.

[Monica Mouse]

So he just stabbed himself a bunch up there?

[Debbie]

Oh, sure did.

[Monica Mouse]

And then the wife comes home, and there's blood everywhere.

[Dan Rather]

I like to keep these comedic, but I do have to explore how sad this is. Like, shame is so powerful.

[Monica Mouse]

I know.

[Dan Rather]

Not only did he not want to tell his wife, now he's got a fucking colostomy bag, and now he's got to tell her the whole thing. He's in all this damage out of fear, of shame, and it breaks my heart.

[Monica Mouse]

I know you're feeling what you want.

[Dan Rather]

I want to feel something against my prostate. You're not a weirdo. That's fine, right? Did you guys have to pump him full of blood before you transported him?

[Debbie]

Yeah. So he got transfused with blood and fluids. I don't think he ended up needing any medications to, like, keep his blood pressure elevated. He actually compensated really well. That's like a huge thing I remember about is like, he did great with a lot of blood loss.

[Dan Rather]

Well, the adrenaline of getting caught and the trouble he was in.

[Monica Mouse]

Was the wife at the hospital.

[Debbie]

The wife did not come? No. I don't know if she met him at the trauma hospital later.

[Dan Rather]

Oh, I hope she was kind to him.

[Monica Mouse]

Me too.

[Debbie]

I hope so, too, too.

[Monica Mouse]

She's probably dealing with a lot. That's a lot to process. You know, you come home and your husband. Hey, now, that is a lot to process.

[Dan Rather]

It is a lot to process.

[Monica Mouse]

And he's bleeding out because he stabbed himself in the butt. And then you feel guilty because it's like, why didn't you just tell me? But you know why I didn't tell you? Oh, that's horrifying, Debbie.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[Debbie]

That was the first time I had ever seen that in the er. And it's definitely been the worst time I've ever seen it too. All the other stories are a little bit later, but that one was a heavy hit, and that's the first time I ever saw that.

[Dan Rather]

Now, if you had to give a ballpark to how many rectal form bodies you've had in your career, how long have you had this job?

[Debbie]

Seven years I've been in the er.

[Dan Rather]

And so in seven years, if you had a ballpark, how many of these you've experienced, how many would it be?

[Debbie]

I'd say probably like three a year.

[Monica Mouse]

Okay.

[Dan Rather]

Three years of 21.

[Hannah]

That's a lot.

[Dan Rather]

It's a lot. And she's in a rural area.

[Debbie]

Yeah. The volume's pretty low.

[Monica Mouse]

We learn a lot in these. People are doing this. This is not a one off. No, this is a feature, not a bu.

[Debbie]

Anyhow.

[Dan Rather]

Oh, Debbie, thank you for that.

[Monica Mouse]

Thanks for sharing that.

[Debbie]

My pleasure. Yeah. Thanks for having me, guys. It was so great to meet you.

[Dan Rather]

Yeah, you too. Truly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for what you do.

[Debbie]

Yeah.

[Dan Rather]

The things you're dealing with, I mean.

[Monica Mouse]

And you just do it. You don't even blink and soldier on. It's really. It's really impressive.

[Debbie]

Thank you.

[Dan Rather]

Take care. Nice meeting you.

[Monica Mouse]

Another fun one in the books.

[Dan Rather]

You know, I wonder if this. This prompt encourages people to do it or scares people away from doing it.

[Monica Mouse]

I don't want anyone to listen to this and try it and then they end up in the hospital.

[Dan Rather]

Okay, I don't either. Okay. Okay. Okay.

[Monica Mouse]

Hey.

[Dan Rather]

All right. I love you.

[Monica Mouse]

Okay. I love you, too.

[Dan Rather]

Bye.

[Monica Mouse]

I'm going to tell Kristen to not buy any pears.

[Dan Rather]

Don't go out of town. Dillard, whatever you do, do not go out of town. Or if you do, take all the.

[Debbie]

Knives and the pears.

[Dan Rather]

All right. Love you.

[Hannah]

Do you want to sing a tune or something? One of a theme song.

[Dan Rather]

Oh, okay, great. We don't have a them song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're going to ask some random questions and with the help of arm cherries, we'll get some suggestions on the fly rhyme dish. On the fire rhyme dish. Enjoy.