Armchair Anonymous: Las Vegas

Summary

Armchair Expert: Armchair Anonymous – Las Vegas

Episode Date: February 27, 2026
Podcast: Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Host: Dax Shepard with Monica Padman
Theme: Wild, memorable, and sometimes dangerous Vegas stories from listeners, with a mix of humor, warning, and human messiness.

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Episode Overview

This episode of "Armchair Anonymous" dives into the chaos and unpredictability of Las Vegas through a series of riveting listener stories. Dax Shepard and Monica Padman play armchair therapists, comedians, and sometimes horrified friends as they hear tales ranging from wild parties and drug mishaps to genuine near-misses with serious harm (physical and criminal). The tone is candid, playful, and, in true Armchair style, celebratory of the messier parts of being human.

Dax: "Everything that happens in the world happens in Vegas." (00:27)

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Featured Stories & Discussion Points

1. "Marie" and the Birthday Suite Debacle

[03:07 – 14:57]

The Setup:

• Setting: Cosmopolitan Hotel, post-Covid birthday trip.
• Cast: Marie, her husband Chris, their friends Taylor and Eric, and their dog "Killer."
• Mood: Stir-crazy after pandemic lockdown, eager to party.

Key Moments:

• Toe Injury Comedy/Horror:
  Marie gets so excited she sprints across the suite and smashes her toe against a wall.

  Marie: "I did not clear the doorway, hit my toe directly into the wall. I dropped to the ground." (04:50) Dax: "The toe pain is a hot pain. It's an immediately searing pain." (05:04)

• Hotel Medic and Little Rascal:
  Unable to walk, Marie calls a hotel medic and gets crutches, but eventually rents a motorized scooter for the Strip.

  Marie: "I'm on one of those Little Rascals—not looking like I need it unless you look at my foot—and it beeps every time you reverse." (07:27)

• Party Escalation (Drugs & Ecstasy Mishap):
  The group parties with cocaine the first night, then ecstasy the next, leading to a loss of coordination, vomiting, and Marie rolling around the cement balcony in emotional and physical turmoil.

  Marie: "I started rolling around on the ground, kicking my feet... My toe is in no shape to be being kicked onto the ground." (09:58) Marie: "They finally got me to come inside… and that's when I started throwing up again on the floor, rolling around... I was hitting my head on the wall, hitting my head on the floor." (10:35)

• Aftermath:
  Marie wakes up with bruises, a purple eyelid, and a truly battered body.

  Dax (reacting to photos): "It's like you took a ball-peen hammer to your leg." (12:40)

• Moral/Wisdom:
  Dax and Monica riff on the childlike regression of drug use and the hilarity/tragedy of Vegas excess.

  Dax: "It is funny because you're an adult. You throw up like a baby does, and then you fall in it..." (09:29)

• Notable Moment:
  Shout-out to friend Taylor, who missed the taping due to just having a baby—Indigo.

  Marie: "She went into labor yesterday and had the most beautiful baby girl early this morning." (14:02)

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2. Madison & the Show Choir Vegas Trauma

[15:41 – 29:18]

The Setup:

• Context: Madison’s elite high school show choir trip, filled with teen drama and heartbreak.
• Venue: Venetian Hotel, various major shows (Celine Dion, Phantom, Lion King).

Key Moments:

• Teen Breakup Drama:
  Madison gets dumped just before the trip, her ex hooks up with a friend on the trip, and rumors abound.

  Madison: "You couldn't have waited? Also, not to mention my 16th birthday was the last day of this trip. Let me have fun." (21:39)

• Makeover as Emotional Rebellion:
  Madison and friends dye her hair dark in the hotel bathroom to “show everybody [she] didn’t care.”

  Madison: "We decided to go into the nearest CVS and buy a box of hair dye. And we were going to dye my hair." (22:13)

• Sudden Tragedy:
  While showing off the new hair, they witness a fatal fall from the hotel parking garage.

  Madison: "I had witnessed it. It turns out that a drunken selfie had gone wrong. Somebody had fallen from the parking garage." (23:59)

• Emotional Fallout:
  The group is ushered into a cab, everyone is sobbing, and trauma lingers.

  Madison: "I'm just sitting there like, what the heck? I text my mom, and I'm like, what did you send me to? Where am I? This is the worst week of my life." (24:19)

• Unintentional Lion King Irony:
  The next show is "The Lion King," featuring the on-stage death of Mufasa, compounding their trauma.

  Madison: "Act 1 ends when Mufasa is thrown off of the cliff." (26:11)

• Cultural Facepalm:
  The choir’s final disaster: an unappreciated "African tribal number" flashmob at the Atlanta airport.

  Madison: "Not a single clap. Not a single. That was good. Nothing. Everybody looked at us like they wanted to just end us right there." (28:21)

• Memorable Dax Commentary:

  Dax: "It does sound like you went to a lot of cool shows. Celine Dion." (28:34)
  Madison: "It was the choir trip from hell." (29:00)

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3. Jack & the De-Gloving Incident

[29:24 – 38:31]

The Setup:

• Setting: Life Is Beautiful music festival, Las Vegas, 2017.
• Cast: Jack (avid climber), two climbing friends.

Key Moments:

• Pre-Gaming to the Extreme:
  They down 7-10 drinks each before entering the festival, trying to save money.

  Jack: "We pregamed a little too hard. I think we might have consumed anywhere from, like, seven to ten drinks even before we made it through the gate." (31:20)

• The Climb:
  Jack attempts to climb a public “LOVE” art sculpture using fingerholds cut in the shape of birds.

  Jack: "Being an avid climber, that was like my identity at the time. I said, I want to climb this." (32:54)

• Catastrophe:
  His finger gets caught—flesh is ripped away, degloving the ring finger down to the bone.

  Jack: "The flesh of this finger is removed to the bone about three-fourths of the way around." (33:53)

• Medical Nightmare:
  He manages to get to first aid and, eventually, reconstructive surgery.

  Jack: "I actually have good strength in this finger. I just have sort of weird feelings, pins and needles." (36:49)

• Moral/Reflection:
  Humorous acknowledgment of how drinking leads to dumbest mistakes.

  Dax: "Although you kind of deserved an intern, if I'm being honest, you know." (35:05)

• Side Note:
  One friend, later that night, attempts a climbing stunt on a bus stop, falls, and ends up at urgent care.
• Dax’s Vegas “Gender Anthropology”:
  Dax jokes about always finding crying women in Vegas elevators, balanced by Monica’s point about men engaging in riskier behaviors.

  Monica: "You have got guys jumping off stuff and doing this shit." (38:06)

• Visual Highlight:
  The group reacts in horror to Jack's close-up injury photos.

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4. Riley & The Near-Kidnapping Fake ID Fiasco

[38:47 – 51:27]

The Setup:

• Setting: 2014, 19-year-old Canadians, road trip to Vegas before license suspensions.
• Cast: Riley (male), his friend (also facing license suspension), and Sam (female friend).

Key Moments:

• Bad Planning = Circus Circus:
  No reservations and underage—Riley manages to check in with a creative story about his “pregnant wife” and her child.
• Underage Drinking Workaround:
  Unable to buy booze in casinos, they hit the Fat Tuesdays slushy stands.
• Scammed with Promise of Fake IDs:
  A woman and her associate (plus other shady characters) rope them into an "ID making" scheme.

  Riley: "She's like, oh, we're just making some fake IDs for a couple people. And we're complete idiots." (44:31)

• Abduction:
  The trio is lured into a car, with Sam unknowingly drugged.
  • Driven from location to location: casinos, motels, drug deals.
  • At one point, actual threat:

    Riley: "He looks at me and says, put your head down. If you look up again, I'm gonna put a bullet in the back of your skull." (46:17)

• Terror Peaks:
  • They realize they’re being shuffled around as cover for drug deals.
  • The criminals discuss what to do over the phone:

    Riley: "She just got out of prison. She had three guns in the trunk, three bricks of cocaine… The guy says, ‘Shoot everybody and get the fuck out of there.’" (48:43)

• Rescue:
  A cop notices too many people in the car, pulls them over, and saves them.

  Riley: "He looks in the backseat to us and he's like, do you know these people? And we're just wide-eyed, like, no." (49:06)

• Cop's Revelation:

  Riley: "They take people like you, they bring you in, they love you… and then if you don't say yes to that, they kill you and you're never to be heard from again." (49:34)

• Aftermath:
  The group is told to leave Vegas immediately and “come back when you’re 21.”

  Monica: "I'm so glad you guys made it out." (51:17)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dax on the universal chaos of Vegas:
  "Everything that happens in the world happens in Vegas." (00:27)
• On drug-fueled regression:
  "It does make you, like, six years old again... you throw up like a baby does." (09:29)
• Teen heartbreak:
  "We need to do something big... we decided to go into the nearest CVS and buy a box of hair dye." (22:11)
• Crime meets stupidity:
  "We think that we got them right where we want them... We follow them off the Strip. Rule number one, don’t do that." (44:41)
• Vegas dichotomy, Dax's theory:
  "You have got guys jumping off stuff and doing this shit. So it's like—yeah." (38:06)
• Rescued by fate (Riley):
  "He just looks at me and says, 'Put your head down. If you look up again, I'm gonna put a bullet in the back of your skull.'" (46:17) "They take people like you… if you don't say yes to that, they kill you and you're never to be heard from again." (49:34)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [03:07] – Story 1: Marie’s "birthday suite" mishaps
• [15:41] – Story 2: Madison’s choir trip trauma and tragedy
• [29:24] – Story 3: Jack’s degloving climbing disaster
• [38:47] – Story 4: Riley’s kidnapping/fake ID brush with cartel criminals
• [51:27] – Reflection, gratitude to listeners, closing beats

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Tone & Style

• Candid, irreverent, and empathetic: Dax, Monica, and the storytellers bounce between shocking humor and real concern.
• Therapeutic humor: Trauma and stupidity are fodder for jokes, but not without real moments of reflection on recklessness, youth, and survival.
• Celebration of survival: Ultimately, even the darkest or stupidest story is met with gratitude that everyone made it through with a tale to tell.

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For Listeners Who Haven't Heard the Episode

This episode is a greatest-hits of wild Vegas mishaps—part comedy, part cautionary tale, and pure Armchair Expert: honest, silly, occasionally sobering, but always celebrating that we're all messes sometimes.

If you want stories about birthday parties turned ER visits, show choir drama with Black Mirror-level trauma, rock climbers who lose their skin to art, or Canadian teens almost pressed into cartel servitude, this is that jackpot. And you will laugh as much as you cringe.

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Armchair Anonymous is Vegas at its most vulnerable: brutal honesty, a little blood, and lots of laughs.

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Transcript

[A]

Welcome, welcome. Welcome to armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan shepherd and I'm joined by Monica miniature mouse Padman.

[B]

Hi.

[A]

You guys wanted it. I don't know if they wanted it. Vegas stories. Of course they deliver.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And we're stupid to have not had this prompt a bunch of times.

[B]

I know. I have regrets about that.

[A]

There's drugs, there's singing, there's injury, there's singing, there's kidnapping. I mean, this has it all.

[B]

Yeah, this is a good one.

[A]

Everything that happens in the world happens in Vegas.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

Sure, sure.

[B]

You got to put yourself out there. And nine times out of 10 these

[D]

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[A]

Yeah. I just got asked by the fashionista herself, Nicole, what size they work. She's getting her husband something from Quint.

[D]

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[A]

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[E]

He did the Pepsi challenge and chose Pepsi Zero Sugar. Isn't that right, Mr. Bear? Interesting. So in other words, you now know how much taste matters. Incredible. Do you have any techniques we could share with listeners to help them also accept who they really are? Interesting. So meditation, I think. Or he's hungry. It's hard to read. Polar bears. Let's give it a go. Go out and try Pepsi zero sugar today. You deserve taste. You deserve Pepsi.

[A]

Good times take them slow My life

[F]

I had em both Remember one thing you gotta know I'mma keep on shining.

[A]

Oh, hello.

[B]

Oh, cute Sweatshirt. It's the robot.

[A]

Cute. Sweatshirt.

[G]

Alert, alert.

[A]

Okay, so what fake name should we go with?

[C]

I think we're gonna use Marie.

[A]

Marie. Okay, Wonderful.

[C]

Cute.

[B]

Love it.

[A]

And Marie, are you allowed to tell us where you're at?

[C]

Yeah, I'm in Fullerton.

[A]

Oh, sure. 126. What's the highway that goes through there? Nevermind.

[B]

It's okay, you don't have to know. I don't know highways.

[C]

I don't. Yeah, I get off the 91.

[A]

Okay, great. So Marie, you have a good Vegas story?

[C]

I do. Okay, so took place in September 2020. So like right after Covid, you could

[A]

go to Vegas for like 30 cents. Right at that time.

[C]

Yeah. We were going for my birthday and we had been, you know, kind of cooped up for a while. So we decided to, taking advantage of the good prices, get this beautiful suite, two bed, two bath, wraparound balcony.

[A]

Oh, baby. Is it a secret which place?

[C]

The Cosmopolitan.

[A]

Okay, great. Lovely new offering.

[C]

The balcony overlooks the fountains and just all the fun stuff. It's me and my husband Chris and our two best friends, Taylor and Eric. And our dog. We brought our dog, killer.

[A]

Oh, why not?

[B]

Oh, scary.

[C]

Yeah, you know, we brought him everywhere with us at the time. So Chris and I are really excited. We get to Vegas early. We're like, who cares? We don't need to be there at check in time. Like we're going to go start the party. Taylor and Eric meet us there. They meet us at a bar that we've been at for a little while. Nothing too crazy, just a couple drinks. By the time they met us there, it was time for us to check in. So Taylor and I went to the hotel while Chris and Eric stayed at the bar. We get in the room, we're running around just like little kids. So excited to be in this hotel room. And we're looking at the view and I'm in one bedroom. Taylor's in like the living room and she wants to FaceTime her niece to show her this really fun room we're gonna have for the weekend. This is crazy. Like we don't do this sort of thing, you know, so it was really exciting. I hear the FaceTime connect, I hear the niece on the phone, and I get so excited. I take off running into the living room.

[G]

Why?

[C]

I felt the need to basically break into a sprint. I'm not sure. I did not clear the doorway, hit my toe directly into the wall. I dropped to the ground. Oh, it's one of those ones that like almost knocks the wind out of you.

[A]

And the toe pain is a hot pain. It's an immediately searing pain.

[B]

It also sucks because it's such a small. It's like I hurt my toe. People don't take that seriously.

[F]

They're like, boo hoo.

[A]

They're expendable.

[B]

Exactly. But it hurts.

[D]

It hurts.

[C]

And there's not much you can do for a toe. You just kind of have to deal with it.

[A]

That's right.

[C]

It was my toe next to my little toe. So it wasn't great.

[A]

But better than the big toe, right?

[C]

Better than the big toe, yes. Still made it very difficult to walk. The boys come back to the room. We decide we're just going to stay in. I'm going to let my toe heal in the morning. It's going to be better. We decided to party in the room. We had drugs. We had alcohol.

[G]

Oh, God bless.

[A]

What drugs are we doing? Please tell me.

[C]

We were doing cocaine mainly.

[A]

Wonderful. This is wonderful.

[B]

Were you doing meth?

[A]

No.

[D]

No meth.

[A]

You only do meth if you don't have cocaine. That's like the poor man's life.

[B]

Well, I'm on meth right now and I've been enjoying it. Well, of course, I didn't realize. I am on Sudafed and it's nice,

[A]

but you already realized that, Monica, I have to tell you, I haven't in a while. Yeah, you've had a layoff, but you've always enjoyed I relapse. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, great. So we have a little cocaine. Not to get bogged down in the drugs, but of course I'm going to. Did the boys score the coke at the bar they were drinking at or had they brought it with them?

[C]

They brought it from somebody we know and trust here.

[A]

Sure, sure. Trusted source. Okay.

[C]

Yes. So that's the night we're having a good time. I don't remember all of the details, but I'm sure I was not babying my toe the way I should have been if I wanted it to get better. I felt invincible. It was great.

[A]

Now, another pervy question. The drugs was part one. Is there any talk about anyone having sex out on that balcony overlooking the fountain?

[C]

There was no talk about it.

[A]

Okay, you're smiling.

[G]

Oh, wow.

[A]

Wow, wow, wow. Okay. I might have jumped ahead. Okay. Okay. So, okay, that's night one.

[C]

We wake up the next morning and it's not better. It's probably worse. You know, I'm in no shape to be walking around. So that day is my birthday and we decided to call the front desk and they sent Up a medic.

[G]

Oh, okay.

[C]

And he came up and he wrapped my toe for me and gave me crutches.

[B]

Was he hot?

[A]

Oh, nice. He had crutches too.

[C]

I don't remember, honestly. Yeah. Strange. I don't even know. I would have never thought to call a medic from the hotel.

[A]

I would've just dealt with it and thought it was my fault and I deserved it.

[C]

Yes. It was so embarrassing too. So I quickly realized, like, there's no way I'm gonna be able to get around the Strip on crutches. So we decide to rent. You know those little motorized wheelchairs?

[A]

Little Rascals. Yeah.

[C]

So we rent one of those. I don't look like I need it, first of all. Unless you, like, look at my foot.

[B]

Right.

[C]

And it's beeps every time you reverse. And you're always reversing. You're never not reversing in these things. You know, you're in the bathroom, you gotta reverse out of the stall. We had to call handicap accessible taxis.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

To ride the scooter up in the back, sit there and then reverse out. It was incredibly embarrassing, but is what it is. Got me around the Strip. We had a great day. And we had already planned. So with doing the coke, we also brought ecstasy.

[A]

Okay, great. Yeah. Let's shift gears for the next night.

[C]

That night we're gonna roll. We're gonna have a good time. So we get back to the hotel, we get in, like, our cozy clothes. There's a nice big couch in the living room. We're gonna all kind of just pile on there, watch music videos for a little while. And at the time, you know the song by Justin Bieber called Holy Yes.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

So the music video is incredibly emotional and sad. And why we thought this would be a good idea to put this music video or not skip it or whatever, I'm not sure. So I should also mention that up until this point, I had done ecstasy just a handful of times. And each time I had only done a half a pill at a time.

[A]

So responsible congratulation.

[C]

Well, not tonight. I took the whole pill. And basically the last thing I remember is the music video playing after that. I have two snapshot memories. One of them was I was in like the corner of one of the bedrooms on the ground, and I threw up.

[G]

Oh.

[C]

And then I proceeded to go right into the throw up.

[A]

Oh, face down into the throw up.

[B]

Yeah. For the listener. Face plant.

[C]

Yeah. Not sure what possessed me to do that. And then the other memory I have is at some point, I'm looking in the mirror in the bathroom and seeing bruises on my face and, like, not understanding where they came from.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

So because I don't remember all of this, I got with Taylor, Eric, and Chris the other night to get all the details because basically the rest of the story is, like, them retelling it to me. When I told Taylor, like, oh, I have these snapshot memories. She was like, brianne, those were six hours apart.

[A]

Hold on one second. I just got to say something. First of all, anyone listening, don't do drugs. Secondly, what I think is hilarious about drugs is it does make you, like, six years old again. You can't handle your. And it's funny because you're an adult. You throw up like a baby does, and then you fall in it. Then you're bruised up. It's like a time machine. Back to being incompetent. I like that part.

[B]

It's not fun for the people around you who aren't on it. And they have to take care of a baby.

[A]

Well, that's why you do it all together. All for one, one for all.

[C]

We all took it. I guess what happened is the video played. I got hot as you do when you're coming up. And one was like, let's go on the balcony. Which is why we got this room to specifically, like, enjoy our trip. Watching everything pretty quickly upon getting out there, I started rolling around on the ground, kicking my feet, flailing my arms. It's a cement balcony. My toe is in no shape to be being kicked onto the ground. They couldn't get me to stop. So they were running into the room to get pillows to put under my legs, under my feet, unsure why I'm doing all of this. They finally got me to come inside because they're like, this can't keep happening. And that is when I started throwing up again on the floor, rolling around.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Being, like, violent. Not, like, trying to hurt anybody. I think other than myself. I was, like, hitting my head on the wall, hitting my head on the floor.

[B]

This sounds not fun.

[A]

You're not making a great case for MDMA for Monica, which I keep trying to convince to try to.

[C]

The only bad time I've had, I promise you that. They were like, okay, we need to get her on the bed. So they pick me up, they put me on the bed, and at this point, their mission was to just physically rest. So Chris is holding my legs, Taylor has one arm, Eric has another arm, and I'm fighting. I'm, like, trying to get away from them. And I must have been going through, like, some turmoil at the time because the only thing they could make out me saying was like, I'm not a good person.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

And then gibberish. So that took about an hour, hour and a half. I must have calmed down enough that they were like, we gotta get out of this room. It smells like throw up in here. It's hot, it's sweaty. I had, like, cut myself at some point. So there's like blood. And apparently we get outside and I like that. Snap right out of it.

[A]

You just needed to change the venue.

[C]

That's exactly what Taylor said. She was like, we need to get her out. She needs fresh air. She needs a new scenery situation.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, let's do a hard reset. It was like me taking you on that walk, Monica.

[B]

Oh, yeah, that did help.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

During the craziness, all Chris got really scared and looked at Taylor was like, do we need to call 911? Is she overdosing?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Taylor's like, she's just having a bad come up. That's all.

[B]

This is come up for eight hours?

[A]

No, no, it's only an hour and a half in.

[B]

That's a long time.

[A]

No, that time clicks by when you're really quick. This is all really telling. Like, I love what's happening right now. It's all about what your comfort level is with chaos. That's just from your childhood. You're hearing this stuff in. With good reason, Monica. You're like, this sounds terrible. And I'm like, oh, yeah, this is novel and interesting.

[C]

Yeah. Didn't stop me from doing it again in the future, but yeah. So we stayed outside where the dog was when this was happening. I have no idea. We got all the clean blankets and pillows we could and took them back out onto the balcony. Brought like a speaker out, and then just spent like four or five hours all just like kind of cuddled together watching the lights. It was a great time.

[B]

Wow. Wonderful Vegas.

[C]

And I did send pictures.

[D]

Oh, great.

[C]

The aftermath.

[A]

Oh, yes. That fourth toe is definitely purple. Although it could have been fatter. Okay. Your legs are much worse for the wear. Oh, my goodness. It's like you took a ball ping hammer to your leg.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[G]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

You.

[G]

What the.

[A]

You got a purple eyelid. You really went through it, Marie.

[B]

Oh, shit.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Had you guys driven there or flown there?

[C]

We drove.

[A]

How was the drive home?

[C]

Not great. I didn't have to go to work. I had all these bruises on my face. How am I going to explain this? To my job.

[A]

You got jumped or you crashed your Little Rascal. One of the two.

[C]

Yeah. So that was my story.

[A]

The time you lost your marbles inside of the really nice hotel room. Did we get the vomit cleaned up? Did you guys incur any costs?

[C]

I'm sure we did. I'm sure we had to pay. I can't imagine. We were cleaning that up on our way out. We just needed to get out of there.

[B]

These hotel rooms have seen so much.

[A]

They have. When you're walking around barefoot, you gotta really consider all the action that's down in there.

[B]

You don't want to consider.

[A]

Okay, so no one had sex on that balcony. That was the long and short of it.

[C]

Not at that trip, no.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

On that trip, we returned to the hotel one time. Did you request the same room, same style? Maybe not.

[A]

They don't want to touch that room.

[B]

Exactly.

[G]

No.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

That one should be hazmat.

[A]

Oh, that was great. That was wonderful. Yeah.

[C]

If I could just give a little shout out to Taylor. She was actually supposed to be here with me today to say hello, but she went into labor yesterday and had the most beautiful baby girl early this morning.

[B]

Congratulations, Taylor.

[A]

Yeah, congrats.

[B]

What's the baby's name? Do you know?

[C]

Her name's Indigo.

[B]

Ooh, cute Indigo.

[C]

I love it.

[A]

What if she said Marie?

[C]

Shout out cute little baby. Got to hold for a little bit.

[B]

Sweet.

[A]

Is she the first in the friendship group to have a baby?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Oh, it's the best.

[A]

They hit the lottery because everyone's gonna be really, really excited. And then when the fifth person in the group has a kid, you're like, okay, we went through this a bunch of times.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, well, shout out, Taylor.

[B]

Yes. And thanks for sharing that story.

[C]

Thank you guys for having me. This is so great. We love listening to you guys. Me and Taylor actually consider ourselves like the Dax and Aaron because we've been friends our whole lives since we were babies.

[A]

By the way, from that story, it sounds very similar to some Dax and Aaron antics.

[C]

Yeah, we get into some. Some crazy things.

[A]

If you can pull it off, it's good. All right, well, lovely meeting you.

[C]

Lovely meeting you as well. Bye.

[D]

Bye.

[A]

Okay, bye.

[B]

Can I have a tissue, please?

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah. The transformation is complete. You're me. You're late.

[B]

I hate it.

[A]

You're late. You're blowing your nose, and you love meth.

[B]

I hate blowing my nose.

[D]

I feel so vulnerable.

[B]

Also, this morning, I hit my head so hard right here on a wall that I wasn't ready for.

[A]

You don't know your surroundings well enough.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And I was like, cte.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

So I just want to let you know that I have cte.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Oh, my goodness.

[C]

Hi. Hi.

[A]

Hello, Madison. How are you?

[D]

I'm good. How are you guys?

[G]

Good.

[A]

You have an enormous shoe collection I'm seeing. We got 60 to 70 pair of shoes behind us.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

This is a ding, ding, ding. So I have a new close. My shoes are displayed now. You can see them. And Jess was like, oh, my God, you have 80 pairs of shoes. And I was like, eye roll. You're exaggerating so much. And then he was like, we're gonna count. And I had in the 70s.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I said. I was like, I have 40.

[D]

Oh, wow.

[B]

And those things add up.

[D]

They do. I actually can't take credit for any of the fabulous things in this room. This is actually my sister's office slash close, and she is quite possibly the most fabulous person I know.

[B]

Oh, good for her. She's got 100 to 200.

[D]

She's a wizard when it comes to style, everything. So I'm very grateful for her very fashionable background.

[A]

We thank her on our behalf as well. Madison, where are you?

[D]

I am in Raleigh, North Carolina.

[A]

Oh, nice.

[B]

I love it there.

[A]

I'm hearing so much about Raleigh because I'm going through a lot of the old Sedaris books on tape all over again. And of course, Raleigh comes up quite a bit.

[D]

It's a quality spot. I just moved back here nine months ago, so happy to be back.

[A]

And is he the pride of Raleigh? Do people know that David Sedaris hails from there?

[D]

Maybe I'm not from here originally. I'm a military kid, so I call a million and ten different places home. But I'm sure some Raleigh locals would love to weigh in on that one.

[A]

Okay, so you have a crazy Vegas story.

[D]

I do. So to give you a little bit of context, when I was in high school, I was in a nationally recognized high school show choir. So just about the coolest group of kids you could possibly imagine. It was for everybody from third grade to 12th grade. And the closer you got to high school, the more it kind of became a little bit intense. And my sophomore year, I had made it into the elite high school choir group, so it was a big deal. Not that many sophomores get to have that moment.

[A]

Can you tell me what happens when you're in an elite choir? Do you travel around? Is there competitions, or do you just perform? What happens?

[D]

So we gave multiple performances throughout the year. We did A Christmas show. We did a choral production. And then in the spring, we did a Showtime show, which was like kind of anything goes. So we do different Broadway sets. One time we did, like, a British Invasion number with all of these different songs and mashups. Think Glee, but with more sparkles and, like, a very weird obsession with red lipstick.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Oh, okay. And are there competitions or.

[D]

No, no. But every summer we would go on tour, which is how, my sophomore year, we found out we were going to Las Vegas. And it was pretty exciting. And that, for me, was like, a peak year. I would say maybe as close to my seventh grade year as I could get.

[A]

Okay, tenth grade was it.

[D]

So I had just moved to Florida to this little panhandle town, joined this choir. I had my first boyfriend.

[A]

Are you going to the beach so much?

[D]

Yeah, town is on the beach. It was the height of life all year. We were so excited to go to Vegas. It was all anybody could talk about. And sure enough, summer came and everything fell apart. My boyfriend broke up with me the week before the trip, and I was not looking forward to this. But here we were, 40, 50 kids on a flight to Vegas, about to have the best week of our lives.

[A]

How many chaperones? Like, how many adults? Perhaps?

[D]

I think about six or seven. And then plus the two choir directors, I'd want Max.

[A]

Three kids per chaperone, you would think.

[D]

I don't know how they did it, but it was chaos nonetheless. So naturally, you have a breakup. I'm heartbroken. Friends are picking sides. Tensions are high. And if you know anything about the show choir life, choir kids are competitive. We're all friends, but we're all, like, upset. You got the solo, we're upset. You got that part, limited real estate, dog eat dog. So all week, it had just been a disaster. Girls were fighting. The boys are just, like, having a great time, and they're enjoying all the attention that the girls are giving them. And that was the week that my boyfriend decided, or my ex boyfriend decided that he wanted to have a little rebound fling with one of my friends on the trip.

[B]

Oh, he's also.

[A]

Was he also in choir?

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

He was a senior in the choir.

[D]

Extra tense.

[A]

Oh, I had no idea he was on the trip.

[D]

You have the chaperones, and the moms are just as in all the dramas. All the kids were doing workshops for a master class in church choirs for people. Like, we're performing to teach these church choirs in Nevada how to choir. Then at night, we're going to see different shows. So we saw like Celine Dion one night. We went to Phantom of the Opera. And then during the day, we're hanging out, we're seeing all the sights.

[A]

What hotel do they have you guys at?

[D]

We were in the Venetian, which is going to be the location of the pinnacle of the drama. So all week drama, all week chaos.

[A]

Do you have words with the gal that he hooked up with? Are you guys ignoring each other?

[D]

Had to stay as far away. I was like, I'm not even going to be around you. I'm going to go hang out with another group of girls. At one point, we're like, we can't shop anymore. We have no more money. We are so over it. We just want to go have fun. So the chaperones, against the rules, were like, yeah, just go ahead without us. Just don't cause trouble. So we went off on our own for the day and had a lovely time. Well, that afternoon, texts come bombarding in. And this is 2011, so there's no real social media yet. So everything had to be done by like mass text. And my boyfriend, ex boyfriend, decided that they were going to do like a whole makeout on the Strip and they were going to send photos. And so photos got sent to me. I'm crying now.

[A]

I've transferred into He's a dick. It's okay if you don't want to be with somebody, but now this is a dick move.

[D]

You couldn't have waited? Also, not to mention my 16th birthday was the last day of this trip. Oh, yeah, let me have fun. So my friends and I had gone down this trip, all this happens, I start crying, and my friend Mary, who we're still very close to this day, looks at me and says, we need to do something big. We need to like show everybody that you don't care. And so what are 15 and 16 year olds to do when you're alone in Vegas? We decided to go into the nearest CVS and buy a box of hair dye. And we were going to dye my hair.

[B]

Oh, okay. Big change.

[A]

Okay, okay. A big revamp.

[D]

We were not cool by any means, but this was as edgy as we could get.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. I keep thinking, like, how are they gonna get booze you thing.

[D]

So we grabbed the box of hair dye, we raced back down the Strip. We have to be at the taxi line by 6pm so my friend is dying my hair in the sink of the Venetian Hotel bathroom. I went from like a very sandy blonde, like beach blonde hair to as dark brown as I could get without it being straight Megan Fox Black. And I thought I was hot shit.

[G]

Oh, good.

[A]

You liked how it turned out.

[D]

Yeah. I was like, this is amazing. I had texted some friends. I was like, wait till you see what I did. Of course, rumors spread. People were thinking I went and found a way to get an underage tattoo. Or I had gone drinking at one of the day clubs, or I had gone gambling. I don't even know how all these rumors got out of control, but they were spreading. So much so that the moms were upset because they thought that something real. No. No. Had happened. So sure enough, I Show up at 6 o' clock with my friends in the taxi line and we are like, look at her. She is fabulous. I'm feeling good. And not a single person notices because they're like, how dare you go to the club? How dare you drink. This is. What are you doing? And my one friend just could not be more upset with me. And as I am trying to calm her down, she says something. And I see this thing behind her just like a blur fall. And I hear this giant sound trigger warning. The next part of the story gets a little sad.

[A]

Oh, no. Okay, okay, we're gonna take a big turn here.

[D]

The whole area just went still and silent. My friends and I all turn. I had witnessed it. It turns out that a drunken selfie had gone wrong. Somebody had fallen from the parking garage.

[A]

Oh, you saw a body fall out of the parking garage.

[D]

Ryan Murphy could not have written this Glee line. It would have never happened.

[A]

But he didn't land on any other people, though.

[D]

No.

[A]

Was it he or she?

[D]

It was a man.

[A]

See, really quick, I'm just gonna add. So I'm getting nervous. A big fixture fell off of the ceiling and killed a very innocent person from the choir. That would be the worst case.

[B]

Okay, well, we don't need to do what's wor.

[A]

I'm going to. You get yourself into it. Doing a selfie by trying to be a daredevil. I'm feeling less bad. Yeah. And then when it's a boy over a girl, even less bad. So as bad as it is, there were a few things that lessened it

[B]

for me was trying to die by suicide.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

We all just start panicking and we're looking around. And plus, we're all 15, 16. There's one mom standing there like, oh, fuck. And people start frantic. They're like running up to him. They're calling 911. And some of us are just in shock. Some of us start sobbing hysterically. We get pushed into a Cab because we were next in line. When I tell you this was all within a very close space. So they push us into the cab. We're all sitting there. People are sobbing. People are calling other moms. People are freaking out. I'm just sitting there like, what the heck? I text my mom, and I'm like, what did you send me to? Where am I? This is the worst week of my life. And she's like, I don't understand what's happening. You come home tomorrow. Just hold on. One more day. I haven't cried yet. Because you're 15. How do you even mentally process something like that? And we don't even have all the. So we just know what we saw. They rush us down the Strip. We get to the next hotel. We're at the mgm. We see all of our friends who have now heard from all the frantic calls. My boyfriend's looking at me like, are you okay? And I'm like, please don't talk to me.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Now he wants, I love your new hair. What happened?

[D]

No one notices my hair. No one notices anything. People are asking me what I did that day. I'm like, how could you talk about this rumor right now? Something terrible just happened, and it is just a frenzy. And so the choir director gets up and he's like, everyone needs to shut up. Everyone needs to get over this. We have got to keep this ball rolling.

[B]

Show must go.

[A]

Get your shit together.

[D]

So they're like, let's go into the theater. Everybody sit down. We'll watch the show, and it will take your mind off of everything, and you'll be okay. Except we were seeing the Lion King. And if you've never seen the Lion King on stage, Act 1 ends when Mufasa is thrown off of the cliff.

[B]

Oh, fuck. Okay, so moment.

[A]

Yeah. A little ptsd.

[B]

So everyone starts crying.

[A]

I'm so sorry.

[F]

Sorry.

[A]

I'm trying not to laugh a lot. But I had just said to Monica the other day, oh, yeah, I don't know what it is about Vegas, but girls be crying.

[B]

Well, they saw something very traumatic.

[A]

They did, but they were crying even before that. Monica, there's been a lot of crying in this story. And I'm just saying, I hope it doesn't sound sexist, but they have a good cry in Vegas.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[D]

Not to mention we're choir and theater kids, so, like, we just like to cry anyway.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Well, yeah.

[A]

Double whammy. Like she was saying, the boys are having a good time, all the girls are crying. That's what I observed.

[B]

And they're falling off. Off buildings.

[A]

No, no, I'm talking about the group.

[B]

I know, but I'm saying that's the difference of what's happening in Vegas. Yes, the girls are crying, but the boys are falling off. Falling off buildings.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

The boys are having a great time. The boys are wearing matching fedoras.

[A]

It works for our gender. I don't know why. We go to Vegas and we're fine. Okay, so you're in the show and everyone's now crying all over again.

[D]

We're all sobbing, and everybody is just like, this is just too much. After the Lion King, we actually had to stay and do, like a meet and greet with the cast. And so it's just this group photo with these incredible four and then all of these kids who are like, red

[A]

face and puffy new hairdos.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

And so the next day they were like, don't talk about it. Don't bring it up. We don't want to hear about it. Like, everyone just keep moving forward. We're going home tonight. But now tensions are too high. The next day, I get reprimanded because they're like, you went to a club. I was like, that was a rumor. There's no evidence to wrap it all up. On the very last night, of course, we hit all of the flight delays. It was like every possible terrible thing that you could imagine on a train went wrong. We're stuck in the Atlanta airport, flying home. And that's when our choir director decides, you know what we should do? We should have you guys get up and cheer up. All these travel weary.

[A]

Absolutely. You guys have a superpower flash mob.

[D]

So a predominantly all white choir got up and they insisted that we do our African tribal number, complete with dance.

[A]

In Atlanta, too.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

You could have gotten away with that in North Dakota, but that's not gonna.

[G]

No.

[B]

They would have been like, take this shit outta here.

[C]

We do it.

[D]

Not a single clap. Not a single.

[A]

That was good.

[D]

Nothing. Everybody looked at us like they wanted to just end us right there. And we got on the plane, I got home and I looked at my mom when I got in the car, and I was like, that was quite possibly the worst way to turn 16 I could ever imagine.

[A]

We would call that an unmitigated disaster the whole trip. Although it does sound like you went to a lot of cool shows. Celine Dion.

[D]

I did.

[B]

Did you go to the O show?

[D]

No, we did Celine Dion, Phantom Lion King. And then we got to go to the oldest burlesque show on the Strip. But we Went to the show where they covered the nipples because children cannot

[A]

see that there have been more crying, probably.

[D]

Yeah. So it was the choir trip from Helen.

[G]

Wow.

[A]

Oh, well, that was enjoyable for us, not for you. Lovely meeting you.

[G]

Yeah.

[C]

Thanks for sharing.

[D]

Thank you guys so much. It was so fun to share this story. All of my friends were so excited. And if I could just give a quick shout out to my mom, Elizabeth, and to my friend Elora, they are my fellow armchairies, because we've been listening since day one.

[A]

We love having you. Thank you. Thank you all. All right, bye. Take care.

[D]

Have a great one, y'.

[E]

All.

[F]

Here's Jack. This one's gross.

[A]

There's photos. Oh, good. Severed penis. We haven't had a severed penis. Should we have that as a prompt? Hello, Jack. Hi. Ooh, tell me about this side piece headphone here. This is new for me.

[F]

I'm actually visiting a friend in Los Angeles, and I'm borrowing his equipment.

[A]

Is that a gaming headphone or something?

[F]

You know what? I have no idea.

[A]

Okay, great, Great, great, great. I'm going to be honest. That doesn't look like a closet in Los. That looks like a closet in the Midwest.

[F]

It's in Santa Clarita.

[A]

Okay, that helps. I do call Santa Clarita the Midwest of la. I really do.

[B]

You do?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

What? I do.

[A]

I've said that a million times. It's like, normal.

[B]

You definitely.

[F]

What?

[B]

You haven't said it a million times.

[A]

Well, I've not said anything a million times, but I've said that a lot because I used to shoot out there.

[B]

I remember that. Yes.

[A]

Yeah. And I'm always like, yeah, I feel like I'm going back to the Midwest when I come here.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

It's like all chain restaurants. A lot of people that are in the. The labor side of the show business.

[B]

Yeah. Definitely more suburban over there.

[A]

Where are you visiting from?

[F]

Currently in Tucson, Arizona, winter. But I'm semi nomadic, mostly in Northwest Bellingham, Washington, and Squamish, Canada. So I'm snowboarding right now.

[A]

And that's what you're chasing. And in the summer, do you go, like, whitewater rafting or anything? What do you transition into?

[F]

I'm actually a climber, which feeds into the story.

[A]

Oh, oh, oh. Okay.

[G]

Yeah, yeah.

[F]

Okay.

[A]

Set us up. Tell us how everything.

[F]

So this happened at the end of 2017. I was going to a music festival with two people that I knew through rock climbing. And at the time, I was living in Tucson, Arizona. So we were traveling. We got a hotel, and we went to this festival called life is beautiful. Blink182, Muse, some big names. We were really excited. The first night went without a hitch. Everything was great, and we had a ton of fun, made it back to the hotel. The second night is where things went a little sideways.

[A]

Can I ask what kind of things we're consuming on this trip? Is this a group that just drinks? Are we doing drugs and drinking? What's happening?

[F]

Just drinking and alcohol is one hell of a drug.

[A]

It's probably the worst one. Yeah.

[F]

The stupidest mistakes are. Are probably on alcohol.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

And you're losing your equilibrium. Everything's getting downgraded.

[F]

Absolute. So the start of night two, we pregamed a little too hard. I think we might have consumed anywhere from, like, seven to ten drinks even before we made it through the gate. I think we were just trying to save money because the drinks at the festival were, like, $15 in the end. It didn't save money.

[A]

It was pennywise and pound foolish.

[F]

We go to the festival, we have a great time up until the last second set. And at this point, I'm pretty drunk, and I'm also hungry. So I go off and I do a little solo adventure, and I find some carne asada fries. They were probably, like, $22.

[B]

Oh, gosh.

[F]

And as I'm waiting for my food, I see this art sculpture. And this art sculpture spells out the word love in 3D letters. It's a metal sheet, and it has these cutouts. And the cutouts are the shape of a bird. So being an avid climber, that was like my identity at the time. I said, I want to climb this.

[A]

Oh, sure. It's taunting you.

[F]

Yeah, exactly. And everybody else was climbing the easy letters, the l. And I wanted to climb the V, which was overhanging.

[A]

And what's the height of this thing? Can you give us a ballpark?

[F]

It's about 12ft. It's not awfully tall. So in my drunken state, I essentially am sticking my fingers in these metal cutouts.

[D]

No.

[F]

To my fingers in this metal cutout. And it's the shape of a bird. And my ring finger slots into the wing of the bird.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Hold on. I'm gonna tell the listener. I'm gonna tell the listener, because I'm looking at you, and you have all your fingers. I think because I would be on pins and needles, that he doesn't have fingers. Please continue.

[F]

So as I'm climbing, my feet slip, and this finger is slotted in. Essentially, the flesh of this finger is removed to the bone about three fourths of the way around.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[F]

So this injury is called a degloving injury. Oftentimes happens with wedding fingers. It happened to Jimmy Fallon.

[A]

How did Fallon do his drinking related. I think.

[F]

I think it was on a countertop, of all places.

[A]

Sounds drinking related. Okay. Okay.

[F]

Yeah.

[G]

De.

[A]

Gloving. What a terrible.

[B]

I like that word.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, it's so like, we know immediately. Yeah. It is really a great word because we know exactly what it means, but it's rough. Is your whole body weight now hanging from just that one finger?

[F]

Essentially, yeah. I was able to get it out. I was able to make it to a first aid station. And at the time, I didn't know how bad it was, but I knew I was bleeding, and I knew it was quite bad. And I look down and I just see most of the finger hanging off. At that point, I knew I needed medical care. I knew it was pretty serious.

[A]

But also a blessing that you didn't leave the tip of your finger back at the art installation, because that could have easily got hung up in the wing and stayed. Right.

[F]

I'm very fortunate. So they took me off to the ER and I got several different pain blocks in his finger, and they stitched it up as best they could. I think it was an intern at the time, which I wasn't so happy about.

[A]

Although you kind of deserved an intern, if I'm being honest, you know.

[B]

Yeah, your standards are too high.

[F]

Two days later, I got reconstructive surgery from a hand specialist.

[A]

Okay. In Vegas or back in Tucson?

[F]

It was back in Tucson.

[A]

Okay, we have photos. Is this a good time for us to look?

[B]

I'm scared.

[F]

I think it is.

[A]

If there were ever a good time.

[G]

Okay.

[A]

Oh, great. So we get.

[B]

Oh, we got good p. Wait, how

[A]

do we have such great.

[G]

No, no, no.

[A]

How do we have such good photos of the finger in the bird thing? Did you go back and recreate this?

[F]

I actually found that art installation about five years later in Las Vegas.

[A]

No way.

[F]

I cringed when I saw the art installation because it just brought me back to that memory.

[B]

Wait, so you put your fingers in

[A]

it again to show what it was? Yeah.

[B]

You guys.

[A]

Well, he was probably standing on terraforma at that point, right? You weren't climbing.

[F]

I was very sober at that point, and I was not climbing O.

[G]

I

[A]

don't really know how anyone was climbing any part of this.

[D]

Seriously.

[A]

Were the people climbing the l also putting their fingers in these?

[F]

No, I think they were doing photo shoots, and that's about It. But they weren't putting fingers in sharp metal holes.

[A]

When you had the reconstruction, did they have to attach any tendons or anything? Or they were just getting the glove back on.

[B]

I hate that picture.

[A]

Yeah. It does look like a penis a little bit because it's such a demarcated head. What was the extent of the reconstruction? I'm going to cover this so you can think. Maka.

[B]

Yeah, I want to see that.

[F]

I know that they attached the nerve together. Together through a nerve bridge. I think the tendon was mostly okay, but the arteries needed reconstruction.

[A]

But as a climber, that's the number one tool right there. Right. You must have been a little panicked.

[F]

Absolutely. In resolution. I actually have good strength in this finger. I just have sort of weird feelings, pins and needles. But that's to be expected.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

I have on my shoulder where all the metal is. The mobility is fantastic. I can lift weights. I can do everything. But I have some nerve between the metal and my skin. And you can just graze it. And it's like you stab me there with an ice pick. It's just shocking.

[F]

Yeah. Similar for my finger.

[A]

Yuck. Wow.

[B]

That is.

[G]

Yuck.

[A]

Well, that's a bummer. But also, it sounds like it could have gone a lot worse.

[F]

It could have. Also worth noting, the two friends that I went with, they were brothers. One of them, he. On that same night. This was separate. After my injury, he went and climbed a bus stop. He did what's called a bat hanging. Climbing, where you essentially you flex your feet and you try hanging from your feet with no hands.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

What?

[F]

He ends it up falling, obviously.

[A]

Oh, my God. What if this was the guy I know from last. From the other call that watched a body come off of.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, so he fell. You're right.

[B]

Monica, go to the emergency department too.

[F]

He didn't.

[A]

No.

[F]

I think he went to urgent care.

[B]

Dax is obsessed with the idea that women cry in Vegas. And like.

[C]

Come on.

[A]

You're right. You're right. I'm conceding to.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Yeah. My point is, I can't tell you how many elevator doors have opened when I'm in Vegas and there's like two or three girls on the ground of the elevator just bawling. She said, well, also, you have got guys jumping off stuff and doing this shit. So it's like. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Wowie.

[A]

Oh, Jack, this was delightful.

[F]

It was really great meeting you guys. Thank you for hearing my story.

[B]

Thanks for listening.

[A]

Are you listening while you're driving back and forth? Is that you're in the car all the time.

[F]

It makes the drives much more bearable.

[A]

That makes me happy. Well, great meeting you, Jack. I hope you have a great rest of your trip.

[F]

Thank you so much. All right.

[B]

All right, bye.

[A]

Take care.

[B]

Handsome man.

[A]

Fucking gorgeous.

[B]

We like when our arm cherries are hot.

[A]

They always are.

[G]

Oh, oh, oh.

[A]

O'Reilly. I don't know if it'll be a boy or a girl.

[B]

I think it's a girl because. Yeah, the way it's spelled.

[A]

Well, very feminine with all the Y's.

[G]

It's a boy.

[A]

It's a boy.

[D]

No, you were wrong.

[A]

You said a girl.

[B]

I know, but I wanted it to be a boy.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[G]

The spelling makes it seem like it's a girl. Hey.

[A]

Yeah, a little bit, right? You're in Canada.

[G]

I am in Canada. Alberta, Canada.

[A]

Got it really quick that time.

[G]

The accent gives it away.

[A]

You threw an A in right out of the gates, which I appreciate. Tell me about this background I see. Maybe electric drum kit. What's going on?

[G]

Yeah, so I'm in my basement here. This sounds kind of the best. I have a five year old daughter, so she creates a little bit of noise.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Is she right there?

[G]

No. So this is my wife here with me. So here's a fun one. We're both named Riley.

[A]

Oh, fun. How's her spelled?

[B]

R I L E Y.

[G]

No R A I, L, I. Wow.

[A]

And do you manufacture candles?

[G]

My wife does. So she wanted to put that in the background to hide what I had going on back there, so she thought that was a good idea.

[A]

Ren Candles. So does your house smell great all the time?

[G]

Our business is named after our daughter, Ren.

[A]

Oh, lovely.

[G]

And what do you do?

[A]

You assist in the manufacturing of these or you just play the electric drums all day?

[G]

Just all day out down here. Just wasting time. I have a construction company that I run and then help with the candles as needed.

[A]

Okay, great.

[B]

Family is.

[A]

Let's first start with when you're a Canadian, you're up in the Great north and you're thinking of visiting the States. I gotta imagine Vegas is one of these places where you must visit at some point. Is it up there with New York or la?

[G]

Yeah, I've been to Vegas many times. Even after my Vegas mishap. It's one of my favorite spots. Vegas, la. I've been to New York once, but yeah, it's a top destination for us here up in Canada.

[A]

Okay, so walk us through the year. Whatever backstory we need. Let's hear it.

[G]

So I was 19. It was in 2014, I had just gotten notice in the mail saying that due to excessive speeding in my car, I was going to have my license suspended starting November 1st. So I reached out to my buddy who funny enough, got the same letter within a couple days saying that he also was gonna get his license suspended for speeding for 30 days. So we had like a two week window where we could still drive. Which doesn't make any sense if you think about it.

[A]

No, it makes a ton of sense. You got to get as much driving in as you can.

[G]

We're like, you know what, let's just leave. Let's go to Vegas. Go to Vegas, up the west coast, do a whole like 10 day, two week thing. We pick up a friend of ours along the way. And so from where I live, Vegas, if you drive straight through, it's 21 hours. We left at about 6 o'. Clock. I think it was a Thursday, p.m. or a.m. p.m. Sorry.

[A]

Yeah, that sounds like the kind of decisions you guys are making.

[G]

So we drive straight through, we get to Salt Lake City, which was about 16 hours. It's now like the sun's coming up kind of thing in Salt Lake. We hit the parking lot and the three of us, driver's seat, passenger seat, back seat, we say, you know what, we're gonna sleep for a couple hours. So we sleep there, get up, and we to Vegas. And then the first thing we do is like, well, we need a place to stay. We got no accommodations, no planning whatsoever. So Circa Circus seemed like a great idea.

[A]

Oh, can I add one thing to you? At that time, were allowed to drink legally in Canada at 19, right?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

But not now when you get to the States. So what the, the game plan for

[G]

booze, that's a big part of the story.

[A]

Okay, okay, okay, okay. I'm just immediately nervous for you that you've left a place you can drink and now you can't.

[G]

And naturally, we didn't tell our parents either. In Alberta, we can drink when we're 18. So we get there and we're like, like, well, we need to get a hotel. Which comes into play here with the being 21 thing. You need to be 21 to get a hotel room.

[A]

Okay?

[G]

So I'm like, well, we brought some dress clothes, we brought a suit. Right. I told my buddy and our friend there, I said, go park the car and I'll go check us in. So I go in and I start talking to the front desk like, yeah, you know, my pregnant wife is in the parking lot. She's very pregnant. And she has her 18 month old son with her as well. Wow.

[B]

Okay.

[G]

Need a place to stay for three nights.

[A]

Riley, I must pause you because there's so many great details I'm not even sure that you're picking up on. Which is like you said, her. I know, which implies like not only you've got your hands full, you've got a woman with her own kid and then presumably one in the oven.

[B]

Yes.

[G]

Just say whatever I need to to get a room. I hand them my ID again. You need to be 21 to check into the hotel and I just kind of. Catch me if you can. Like the movie with Leonardo DiCaprio. Right. Just talk my way through it. He scans the id, doesn't look at it once. And here, sir. Have a good stay.

[A]

Beautiful.

[G]

So we're there for three, three days. Vegas starts fairly normal. We just hit the strip, go from resort to resort, just look at all the pretty lights kind of thing. We learned quickly that we couldn't get booze inside the casinos. But the slushy stands, Fat Tuesdays, no questions, no problem, whatever you want.

[A]

Oh, wonderful.

[G]

Every 300 meters those things are available. You just hit them up. Day one was fine, day two was fine. But day three, we're kind of bored of that. Like we want to look little bit more. We put the suits on again. That apparently solves all our problems. We walk around the strip, we have dinner. It's 9 o', clock, 9:30 kind of thing. The Cosmopolitan was under renovations at the time. And so it's all boarded up on the sides there. We're walking just from one end of it to the other to get to the rest of the strip. A lady comes out of nowhere and she's got a guy with her and she says, hey guys, this is kind of weird, but you love the suits. Your buddy's suit jacket would make a perfect backdrop drop for some photos we're making. And we're like, what photos are we making here? She's like, oh, we're just making some fake IDs for a couple people. And we're complete idiots. And we're like, that could work for us. Now we hold all the cards in our eyes, right? Yeah, we'll give you the suit jacket, but we also want fake IDs. She's like, yeah, no problem. It's just off the strip. Just come with us and we'll make that happen for you. And keep in mind I'm £120 at this point. Like, I'm not saving anybody from any problems.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[G]

We think that we got them right where we want them. It's one guy who's younger and then this older lady, she probably 40ish. We follow them off the Strip. Rule number one, don't do that.

[A]

Don't go to a second location.

[G]

Yeah. Next thing you do, you certainly don't get into their car.

[A]

Oh. Oh, goodness. Okay. Yeah.

[G]

We're so pumped. We're getting in the car and they take us to, like, an off strip mini resort kind of thing. So there's a hotel with a mini casino. It's got a parade. We go to the top of the parade and we park. Park there. We walk down, go into the thing, and they're, like, giving us food, getting us drinks, and spending money for gambling.

[E]

What?

[G]

Oh, yeah. Having a great time. We think we've hit the jackpot. Right? Like, next best friend right here. So what I didn't realize is that one of the people we were with, the buddy we picked up, it was a girl, so her name's Sam. They drugged her.

[A]

Oh, my goodness.

[G]

I didn't know it at the time. I don't know what that looks like. I'm like, oh, she's just really drunk, but, like, she couldn't see, she couldn't stand. Like, they messed her up.

[A]

Yeah.

[G]

We wait there for like an hour and a half, like, having the best time. Right. Other than, you know, she's been drugged. Didn't know. So we get back in their car. She says the fake IDs are ready. So we go to another location. We get to this motel, and it's out of a movie, I kid you not. The car that we're parked beside has bullet holes in the side of it. And the car, a couple cars over, the windows are smashed out. The motel doors are like. A couple of them are knocked off the hinges.

[A]

Oh, wow. Okay.

[G]

And I'm from a small town. Alberta.

[A]

Yeah. You're in over your head.

[G]

Oh, absolutely. We park, and she's like, I just got to go into the room and get the IDs. And so she leaves. And there's the one guy in the front left. I kind of start looking around, and he sees me looking around. And that's when problem number one starts. So he looks at me and says, put your head down. If you look up again, I'm gonna put a bullet in the back of your skull.

[C]

No.

[G]

And then he lifts up his shirt and shows me his gun, and I'm like, oh,

[A]

my God.

[G]

I do what I'm told. And now I think there's probably a pretty good chance we're not getting fake IDs. Yeah, yeah. Keep in mind, when they did the fake ID thing, it's illeg. So they took our phones, our credit cards, our cash. Right. Because that's like. Oh, just to make sure we're good. 19 stupid. Right? She comes back out and doesn't have ID. Shocker. We drive around some more, and we're just going from location to location. And I'm not really getting it. Now, I understand that we're doing drug deals. Like, she's going and dropping off drugs and stuff.

[A]

Okay.

[G]

And we've picked up a third person in the process. So now she's driving. There's a muscle number one in the passenger seat. And now we got muscle number two in the back and three more in the back.

[B]

Oh, my.

[A]

Three. Yeah.

[G]

Crucial to the story because now there's four people in the backseat. So we do this all night. At one point, she gets me out of the car and sends me into a very sketchy gas station to go get them supplies, which I can see now was a test to see if I'm willing to, like, come back. So now the sun is up. We're just held hostage in the backseat of this car. There's tears, we're shaking. We're not saying a word. And full daytime, it's 6am so we get to a point where we're at a red light. No one else is on our side of the intersection. There's a bus stop to the right. And so I speak up and I say, hey, you got our credit cards, you got our IDs, you got cash? I don't know who you are. Just drop us off. The two muscle guys don't say anything, and she just nods. And then light turns green. Instead of turning right to the bus stop, she turns left, and we're on the outside of Vegas. Like, there's like, three lights remaining. And then it turns into a gravel road. Then it's just desert. That's where we're heading.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, my goodness.

[G]

So I'm focused on that, and I'm thinking, now's a good time to pray, do whatever we need to do. And people prepared, Right? What I didn't see, there was a cop on the other side of the intersection facing us. So we turned left, and he can

[A]

see in the car, four people, not enough seat belts.

[G]

Yeah. So he sees that. Lights on. Yeah. Pull her over. And this is where I learned everything. So this lady, in the time that the cop pulled us over, she called someone and it was on speakerphone. She put the phone in the middle console. She starts screaming to this guy. And turns out she just got out of prison. Prison? A month ago. She had three guns in the trunk, three bricks of cocaine in the trunk.

[B]

Oh my God.

[G]

And she's screaming at the guy, wondering what to do, and the guy says, shoot everybody and get the out of there.

[D]

No, no.

[A]

That's his Pro Tip Advice 101.

[G]

So at that point though, the cops, they were quick. That's what saved me. There was one guy on the passenger side, one guy on the driver. And the passenger guy had his little baton. He taps the window, and then the other guy's kind of already looking in. So she pulls her window down a couple inches. He doesn't even ask her. He looks in the backseat to us and he's like, do you know these people?

[A]

Oh, wow.

[G]

And we're just wide eyed, like, no, it's out of a movie. They pull their guns, they draw them, and they're like, get the out of the car right now. We get out, the one cop pulls us aside, he gets our IDs and stuff from the car. We're like, hey, like, they have our stuff. So he looks through him, sees we're underage, and he's like, you didn't know them. We're like, no, no chance. And he's like, do you know what was happening to you? We were getting fake IDs. So we're 19. We're thinking the cops are better than option A.

[A]

You think you're in trouble.

[G]

They're like, they take people like you, they bring you in, they love you, they make you feel like you're part of the group. And then when it comes down to it, they take you out to the desert and they say, you either work for them now, your old life is gone, you got new names, what? You're never leaving. And if you don't say yes to that, they kill you and you're never to be heard from again. Like, that's it. He gave us money to get on a bus and he said, go back to your hotel and just leave Vegas, man. Like, come back when you're 21.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Oh my God. So I assume they arrested those people.

[G]

We didn't stick around for that.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

You made your way back to the bus stop.

[G]

You said that they knew who she was. Like she was a big time player, I guess.

[B]

Yeah.

[G]

Woof.

[A]

Scary. Reminds me of Justin. Long story. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Being kidnapped. Oh, God. So when you got back to the hotel room. Do you guys go like, all right, let's nap. Or do you go, let's get in the car and leave immediately?

[G]

The issue we had was that it was like 9:30 at this point. Our checkout was 11. Guess we're hitting a breakfast. We didn't go home. We continued on to LA and did three days there and then went up the West Coast.

[A]

Sure played it a little tighter to the vest. The rest of the trip, there was

[G]

no hunting for fake IDs. The reason I'm here talking about it right now is because my wife loves you guys. She's been for years. Been like, you gotta submit your Vegas story. They do it the Friday. You gotta submit it. And I'm like, no, I'm not gonna do that. And then you guys put the prompt.

[A]

We curtailed it Exactly. To you. That's right.

[B]

So you had to.

[G]

I've become a fan over the last six months. Specifically, we spent a lot of time together, so I listen to a lot of your guys stuff. Love what you do.

[A]

Oh, thank you. Thank you. That was exceptional. We love that ride. Riley.

[B]

I'm so glad you guys made it out.

[G]

I didn't tell my mom for a while. Let's just put it that way.

[A]

Yeah, that's best told like 10 years later. Great meeting you, Riley. That was great.

[G]

Thank you so much for this. This is awesome.

[F]

Take care.

[B]

Wow. Scary stuff.

[A]

Scary stuff. Vegas is scary. Lots of bodily injury and harm.

[B]

Oh, my God. True.

[G]

Oh, wow.

[B]

Well, that was a good prompt.

[A]

It sure was. I bet there's more water in that well, that's right.

[B]

Saying, yeah, sure.

[A]

Okay. More ink in the. All right. Love you.

[C]

Love you.

[F]

Do you want to sing a tune or something?

[G]

We have a theme song.

[A]

Oh, okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of armchairies, we'll get some suggestions on the fly rhyme dish. On the fire rhyme dish.

[G]

Enjoy.