Armchair Anonymous: Stealing II

Summary

Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

Episode: Armchair Anonymous: Stealing II
Date: December 12, 2025

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Overview

This special edition of "Armchair Anonymous" takes listeners on a journey through a range of personal stories about stealing—both accidental and intentional—highlighting the humor, anxiety, growth, and sometimes wild consequences that unfold from these moments. Dax and co-hosts Monica Padman and others invite listeners to share their most memorable "stealing" stories, sparking reflections on human behavior, morality, and the circumstances that turn harmless mischief into major life events.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Opening Reflections on Stealing (00:18 – 02:46)

• Dax and Monica dive into personal and philosophical takes on the act of stealing.
  • Dax wonders, "What percentage of people get through their whole life without stealing? It's got to be very low, right? Everyone's done a little klepto." (00:34)
  • Monica admits, "I do kind of think shoplifting is cool... particularly age six." (00:47)
• The hosts riff on gender and evolutionary theories of why people steal:
  • Monica: "I think it's still connected to, like, nesting and having things and squirreling away things for the bab." (01:18)
  • Dax jokes about evolutionary roles: "Like me, I have to murder. You know, people come into the village, they want to take the children and the wives who are busy taking, scurrying, stealing." (01:40)

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Story 1: Shelly’s Epic Teenage Shoplifting & The Funyuns Bandit (05:49 - 14:49)

Set-up

• Guest: Shelly from Oroville, CA
• Premise: As a teenager, Shelly gets caught stealing a pregnancy test with friends.

Story Highlights

• After moving from the Bay Area, Shelly fell in with a "bad girls" crowd before switching schools and making "good girlfriends."
• When a friend believes she’s pregnant and is grounded, Shelly and crew concoct a plan to steal a pregnancy test from the local grocery.
• Despite an elaborate ruse (including Shelly buying a giant pickle), they're caught via security cameras and taken to the back office.
• The police are summoned. Shelly cheekily insists on paying for her pickle before heading to the station in handcuffs:
  • Shelly: "I decide to tell this cop that's leading me. I go, I haven't paid for my pickle yet." (10:19)
  • Dax: "That's nasty." (10:22)
• Friendly interventions: one parent is horrified; Shelly’s family laughs it off—her brother was just released after robbing a bank with a Funyuns bag.
  • "He went outside and sat on a bench and ordered a pizza and waited for the cops to come and get him. And he spent, like, three years in prison." (13:12)
• Postscript: The pregnancy was real, the “dad” went on to father another child with another group member, and Shelly reflects on her trajectory:
  • "I always say I grew up with the very best bad example, and I went the other way." (13:50)

Notable Quotes

• "Congratulations. That's hard to do." —Monica, praising Shelly for breaking her family’s pattern. (13:55)

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Story 2: Jack’s “Greatest Beer Run Ever” (15:20 – 28:21)

Set-up

• Guest: Jack from Hudson Valley, NY
• Premise: A high school adventure leads to stealing an entire beer keg setup from a country club.

Story Highlights

• Jack and his friend Mac, known for pranks and harmless delinquency, break into their former workplace’s snack bar for Swedish Fish.
• They drunkenly escalate—deciding to steal a keg (plus CO2 tank and cooling coils) from a tennis club’s leftover beer tent.
• The loot is set up at Jack’s house for a legendary pool party; mayhem briefly ensues when a beer line bursts open in the sun.
• They were never caught:
  • "Absolutely. Totally got away with it." (26:52)
• Dax reminisces about his own secret bender at Meijer, describing sneaking into the backroom for Jack Daniels after-hours.
• Discussion on the emotional 'cost' of these petty thefts, both literal and psychological.

Notable Quotes

• "We set it up in the backyard by the pool. You feel like kings at this point." —Dax (26:01)
• "You brought back... this is a bad one. But Aaron and I, one time... it was four in the morning, we were out of booze... we just strolled through the cowboy doors into the back warehouse." —Dax recalling his own amends-needing theft. (27:12)

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Story 3: Kelly’s Joyride, Juvenile Detention, and International Aftermath (28:56 – 47:48)

Set-up

• Guest: Kelly, now a mom in Tennessee
• Premise: As a troubled 13-year-old, Kelly steals her stepdad's LeBaron, survives a near-catastrophe, and ends up being sent to Venezuela—where her story takes a harrowing international turn.

Story Highlights

• Kelly, low on coping skills and acting out, decides to drive her stepdad’s car for a quick escape to a friend’s house.
• The plan goes awry when a teen boy friend, eager to impress, crashes the car into a neighbor’s retaining wall—just missing the house.
• Kelly is arrested, spends time in juvie, and her family subsequently ships her to live with her father in Venezuela.
• After a brief stint at a missionary boarding school, her father is kidnapped in Colombia and held for ransom for nine months:
  • "They want a million dollars for his release, and they are holding steady to that." (45:14)
• The tale includes bribes at the airport, FBI agents at home, a released father who continues his globe-trotting, and Kelly’s ultimate reflection on gratitude and generational change:
  • "I'm building a software that is directly rooted in an experience with him. He died of frontal temporal dementia... I was just having this moment of immense gratitude..." (47:02)

Notable Quotes

• "We violently jump the curb, go through the front yard, and we hit a decorative retaining wall. And that is what keeps us feet away from going through the front of this stranger's house." —Kelly (40:20)
• "He went outside and sat on a bench and ordered a pizza and waited for the cops to come and get him." —Shelly, about her brother (13:12)

Emotional Resonance

• Dax notes: "There are some 13 year olds dealing with some major shit that adults can't deal with." (48:08)

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Story 4: Trish’s Accidental Grand Larceny (49:28 – 58:30)

Set-up

• Guest: Trish from New Jersey
• Premise: While trying to do a good deed by recovering and holding onto a found purse, Trish gets frisked, arrested, and threatened with jail time.

Story Highlights

• Trish sees a purse in a parking lot, assumes it was forgotten, and plans to bring it to police the next day.
• The phone in the purse rings repeatedly (she assumes it's her friend's phone).
• After doing errands, her car is surrounded by police; she’s accused of grand larceny, her phone seized, and is led away in handcuffs:
  • "He looks at me dead in the eye, and he goes, turn around and put your hands behind your back. You're under arrest." (53:33)
• As the investigation drags for months, her reputation and routine are disrupted until the judge dismisses the case—the elderly victim’s son verifies nothing is missing.
• The incident forever colors Trish's instinct to do good deeds:
  • "No good deed if I do and... damned if I don't. No good deed indeed." (57:11)

Notable Quotes

• "He was like, I'm gonna charge you with grand larceny. You could go to prison for, like, 10 years." —Trish, recalling the arresting officer (53:45)
• "You can tell him that he's a jerk off. Yeah, exactly. And then he arrested me for no reason." —Trish’s message to a cop friend, years later (58:02)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On the Universality of Stealing

• Dax: "What percentage of people get through their whole life without stealing? It's got to be very low, right? Everyone's done a little klepto." (00:34)

On Evolution and Gender Stereotypes

• Monica: "I think it's still connected to, like, nesting and having things and squirreling away things for the bab." (01:18)
• Dax: "Like me, I have to murder. You know, people come into the village, they want to take the children and the wives who are busy taking, scurrying, stealing." (01:41)

On Facing the Consequences

• Shelly: "I always say I grew up with the very best bad example, and I went the other way." (13:50)
• Kelly: "My relief at not going through the house is immediately met by seeing the smoke coming out from the engine and going, there is no way that I'm getting out of this. They're gonna know." (41:00)

On Kindness Gone Wrong

• Trish: "He looks at me dead in the eye, and he goes, turn around and put your hands behind your back. You're under arrest." (53:33)
• Trish's Mom: "When are you going to learn to stop doing these things for people? Like you're going to get arrested again." (57:08)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Opening banter and reflection on stealing, gender, and morality: 00:18 – 02:46
• Shelly’s pregnancy test shoplifting saga and family history: 05:49 – 14:49
• Jack’s story of the “greatest beer run ever” and nostalgic tales: 15:20 – 28:21
• Kelly’s stolen car, near-miss, juvie, Venezuela, kidnapping, and gratitude: 28:56 – 47:48
• Trish’s attempt at a good deed turns to arrest for grand larceny: 49:28 – 58:30

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Tone & Style

The episode strikes a signature "Armchair Expert" blend of warmth, self-deprecating humor, deep empathy, and candid reflection. Dax and his co-hosts laugh but also openly validate the pain, anxiety, and growth in each story. The conversational tone invites listeners to see the humanity in mistakes—and the sometimes wild unintended consequences of even the smallest acts.

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Summary Takeaway

The "Stealing II" episode of Armchair Anonymous reveals how ordinary acts of mischief or attempts at helpfulness can spiral into life-changing episodes. Through laughter and empathy, Dax and guests illustrate how our messiest moments sometimes lead to our greatest insights, and how even a stolen keg, LeBaron joyride, or found purse can become turning points in the story of being human.

Transcript

[A]

Wondry subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free. Right now, join Wondry plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts, or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepherd. I'm joined by Lily Padman.

[B]

Hi.

[A]

Now, this prompt really hits home for you personally. Well, because you're a known thief. No, you're a known and admitted thief.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

I was once a thief in my younger years.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Particularly age six.

[A]

Yeah. I wonder what percentage of people get through their whole life without stealing. It's got to be very low, right? Everyone's done a little klepto.

[C]

I hate that I'm about to do this. This is not my normal M.O.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I do kind of think shoplifting is cool. No.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Is a female heavy. Yeah, it leans female heavy as far as the, like, vices.

[A]

Well, I think that people who have the kleptomania.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We could even look it up now. But, yeah, I do think it does skew.

[C]

I know, it's interesting.

[D]

It is.

[A]

There's some kink about it, I guess.

[C]

Because, like, you know, men murder.

[A]

Yeah, that's our thing.

[C]

Women.

[A]

Wait till we covered that.

[C]

Women, kind of. I. I think it's still connected to, like, nesting and having things and squirreling away things for the bab.

[A]

Well, also, evolutionarily, you would see things and you would take them and you'd bring them back to your village. You'd see them there in nature. You'd gather them and take them.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You wouldn't pay for them.

[E]

Sure.

[A]

So I think it's in you. And like me, I have to murder. You know, people come into the village, they want to take the children and the wives who are busy taking, scurrying, stealing.

[C]

Yeah, I will be. I want to be very, very, very clear. I've never shoplifted.

[B]

Never? No.

[A]

Okay, I have, but I really stopped young. I don't think I did it as an adult other than when it was like past 2am and I had to have alcohol.

[C]

Oh, then you can't.

[A]

That doesn't count.

[C]

Yes, that counts.

[A]

That does not count. Of course, if it's for your survival, it doesn't count.

[C]

And remember, you tried to.

[A]

That's like when a poor beggar steals a loaf of bread in the 1700s. London.

[D]

Nope.

[A]

You can't put them in prison for that. Give him the bread.

[C]

Remember when you tried to steal the parking meter?

[A]

Not try. I succeeded.

[C]

I thought you couldn't get it out.

[A]

No, I fucking got it out and drug it all the way up to my apartment. And Bree woke up obviously before me and said why is there a parking with the whole cement base? Yeah, I can't believe I didn't tear any tendons getting it up into my apartment. And as I told you, there was just a scrape mark for a block where I drug it down the sidewalk.

[C]

You didn't do a good job hiding it.

[A]

Barney Fife could have cracked this case wide open. Okay, okay, without further ado, please enjoy Ste Healing. We are supported by Addie I know.

[C]

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[A]

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[C]

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[A]

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[C]

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[A]

Y dash I.com use code DAX for a $10 telemed appointment at addy.com addy or flibanserin is for premenopausal women with Acquired Generalized Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder HSDD who have not had problems with low sexual desire in the past who have low sexual desire. No matter the type of sexual activity, the situation, or the sexual partner, this low sexual desire is troubling to them and is not due to a medical or mental health problem, problems in the relationship, or medicine, or other drug use. ADDI is not for use in children, men, or to enhance sexual performance. Your risk of severe low blood pressure and fainting is increased if you drink one to two standard alcohol drinks close in time to your ADDI dose. Wait at least two hours after drinking before taking ADDI at bedtime. This risk increases if you take certain prescriptions, OTC or herbal medications, or have liver problems and can happen when you take ADDI without alcohol or other medicines. Do not take if you are allergic to any of Addi's ingredients. Allergic reactions may include hives, itching or trouble breathing. Sometimes serious sleepiness can occur. Comm side effects include dizziness, nausea, tiredness, difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep, and dry mouth. See full PIM Medication Guide including box [e-mail] PI Addy use code DAX for a ten dollar telemed [e-mail] that's a D-Y-I.com. we are supported by Allstate. You know what's smart? Checking Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance. You know what's not smart? Not checking your phone's volume before blasting your morning pump up playlist in the office break room. Or not checking that your laptop camera's off before joining the meeting in your robe or something I'm a little too familiar with not checking your grocery list before heading to the store and realizing you bought everything except what you needed. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary subject to terms, condition, availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. Hard times come and go Good times take em slow my life I had em both Remember one thing you gotta know I'm gonna keep on shining Shelly.

[B]

That's me.

[A]

Hi. I'm so grateful for your headset. You sound impeccable.

[B]

Oh, thank you. You'll be happy to know these are my 9 year old's Nintendo headphones, which I ridiculed him last week about spending so much money on.

[F]

Now here we are.

[C]

It worked out.

[A]

And the nine year old has his.

[B]

Own funds saved up allowance and he's obsessed with headphones even though he's not allowed to chat on the Nintendo.

[A]

Okay, great.

[E]

How cute.

[A]

He just wanted to be like the other big boys who have headphones. And what's on his list of chores that earns him this?

[B]

He takes the big rolly trash can all the way down our long driveway and back up and feeds the dog and makes his bed.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[C]

These are good.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

What about dishes?

[A]

Too young.

[B]

Our cabinets are weirdly high, so I haven't graduated the kids to dishes yet.

[A]

At nine is a little slippery. You're dealing with a lot of broken dishes. And where do you live, Shelly?

[B]

I am in a small town about an hour north of Sacramento called Orville.

[A]

And have you lived there your whole life?

[B]

I moved here when I was 12. Which is right about the time that this story comes into play.

[A]

Oh, wonderful. So we've set the scene. Please tell us.

[B]

I grew up in the Bay Area and I moved here in. It was a very formative year for me, like you and my junior high years. I was in with all the bad girls. It was just party time through Seventh and eighth grade.

[A]

And would you say that's because you were new to the school and they were the easiest group to fall into?

[B]

I guess so. One friend just saw me sitting at a table and came up and said, you're mine now. And I just went with it and then drank and smoked and made out with boys and bushes. When it was time to go to high school, I had this big epiphany and decided I didn't want to be around those people anymore. And I switched to the other high school. So then I was with more good girlfriends. It was my freshman year of high school and I'm hanging out with my good girlfriend Ashley. And suddenly I see one of my old bad girlfriends come storming across campus looking for me. And she's like, Shelly. Our other friend, Teresa, she thinks she's pregnant and she's grounded. She's like, DEFCON 5 grounded. She cannot leave the house. She needs a pregnancy test.

[A]

What a funny dichotomy. And is like a very childhood thing, grounding versus a very adult thing, pregnancy.

[B]

So it's up to us to get her a pregnancy. And the school I go to is down the road from the grocery store. And God forbid a bunch of 14 year old girls actually buy a pregnancy test. So we decide that we're gonna steal it.

[A]

I bet that and condoms are the number one stolen thing.

[B]

There's a reason that they store them right in the same area together, right underneath the big window where the manager can see, which you don't think about when you're 14. The three of us, my good girlfriend Ashley and my bad girl friend Jenny, we head on down to the grocery store and we're devising our big plan. We walk in the door, they're to do recon, and I divert off to go to the deli to get a big pickle out of the big pickle jar. Because what else am I going to do? I love the big pickles. Yeah, and this was back when you would just get it in a bag and pay for it at the checkout. So we go to the aisle with the personal care goods and we have this big elaborate plan where we lean in and we get it and walk down the hall a little way and there's a pet display and we make this big show of like leaning in to pretend to look at how cute a dog on a label is to something like, oh, how cute while she's shoving.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, this is elaborate plan.

[B]

We barely make it halfway down another aisle and we get stopped by a manager. You know you stole. You come with me right now. And we get taken back up to the back office, the three of us.

[C]

Because there were cameras.

[B]

I realized this later in hindsight. Literally, the back of the store had a second story with the offices and those double mirrored walls. So they were looking straight at us.

[C]

Oh, no.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

So we're in the office and they full blown call the CO. This would have been 2001.

[A]

Zero tolerance policy over there.

[B]

Yes. A cop shows up and we're in this office. We're all sitting down, and there's the manager and there's the cop. And I had a rough childhood. I saw a lot. So when this cop gets there, I can just smell the bullshit a little bit. They're kind of acting like Keenan from the Scared Straight skits on snl. They think they're going to really put one to us. And I'm just kind of like, really? So they put the three of us in handcuffs. This is the only grocery store in our small town, so everybody there probably knows who we are or our parents. We're walking down and I don't know what got into me, but I decide to tell this cop that's leading me. I go, I haven't paid for my pickle yet.

[A]

Yeah, you're nasty.

[B]

I see his face. That dichotomy between let's get this shit over with and I can't let her steal a pickle when I'm trying to arrest her for stealing. So he has to divert me off to the checkout. He was just so pissed. While we're waiting in line for me to buy my $0.59 set pickle, we get through the checkout register and all go in and get in the cop car and get taken down to the station.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

This is insane for three little girls still in a pregnancy test.

[A]

They didn't put the sirens on or anything? They didn't go that far.

[B]

No.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

No.

[B]

No. But I was very surprised to learn there's no cushions in the back seat. It's just that hard plastic.

[A]

Which makes sense because so many men are soiling themselves as they get put in there.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

So we go to the station and all they're doing is calling our parents. We're not actually being booked or charged or anything. So good girlfriend Ashley's parents show up and they are horrified. Poor Ashley herself is horrified. She can't believe what she's gotten herself into. Her parents forbid her from ever speaking to me again. Jenny being the one who actually shoved it in her backpack, may have gotten A little charge and had to stay longer. And then they call my parents and my mom and my older brother, who had gotten out of prison a week prior for robbing a bank. No.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Oh, no. They show. And they're just laughing. And I'm laughing because I can't take this serious enough. And we all just laugh our way home. And that was my first and last encounter with the law because I tried to steal a pregnancy test from a grocery store. But fun little P.S. the friend that we thought was pregnant, she was pregnant, had that baby. And then the daddy left her and had a baby with Jenny, the one who stole the test.

[C]

What a twisty turtle.

[A]

What a fertile guy this guy was. He was not as good at the pullout method as he thought he was.

[C]

Most people aren't as good as they think they are.

[B]

We should have been stealing condoms instead.

[A]

Yes, yes.

[C]

They need to be free.

[A]

We're going to save a lot more money downriver.

[B]

I think they are now. You know, you go to the health clinics or Planned Parenthood, and they just give you handfuls of them.

[A]

Can we go back to your brother? What age was he when he tried to knock off this bank?

[B]

He was in his 20s, and he was a pretty major meth addict slash drug dealer. And one day was bored and walked into a bank with an empty Funyuns bag and had no weapon and just went up and asked for the money. I swear to God, I wish I would have found a news article and sent it to Emma. They loaded the Funyuns bag full of cash. He went outside and sat on a bench and ordered a pizza and waited for the cops to come and get him. And he spent, like, three years in prison.

[A]

Oh, for being a dumbass.

[C]

He was just so high. Nothing was making sense.

[B]

It wasn't his first offense. But we still to this day make fun of him by calling him the Funyuns Bandit.

[A]

Did he end up finding sobriety?

[B]

Not yet.

[C]

Okay, fingers crossed.

[A]

Was this all in the 90s?

[B]

Yeah, it was late 90s that he robbed the bank. And it was 2001, when my brush was stealing when I was little and cops would come and raid our house. I remember yelling at the cops once to stay out of my underwear drawer. But look at this.

[C]

Now you have kids and your kids do chores and save their money. How beautiful.

[B]

I always say I grew up with the very best bad example, and I went the other way.

[C]

Yeah. Congratulations. That's hard to do.

[B]

Thanks.

[A]

And last follow up. Did you and Ashley abide by the edict or were you friends?

[B]

Anyways, it's a small school, so we certainly saw each other a lot. But it definitely stopped the sleepovers. I looked her up on Facebook a while back, and she seems to be happy, Married, kids doing good as well. Jenny went to prison for beating up her mom.

[A]

Oh, okay. You shouldn't beat up your mama. I don't know. Maybe.

[C]

Well, we don't know. Maybe the mom asked for it.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had a buddy in junior high, Nick Kovastic. And his father did not want Nick to be friends and told him he couldn't be. And I've always thought this was so poetic. He looked his dad in the eyes and he said a wall of fire couldn't stand in between me and Dax. Oh, isn't that incredible?

[C]

That is sweet.

[A]

A wall of fire. Well, it was a delight meeting you, Shelly. Thanks for telling us that story.

[B]

Thank you so much, guys. And you really did ruin the stainless bottle industry with the mouse story. Because this morning I'm like, I just can't.

[C]

I haven't forgotten about. I think about it every day.

[A]

She lost us that as a category of advertisers. And the mouse advertisers have not come in to fill the void.

[B]

Yeah, you gotta hit the now gains or whatever the glass ones are now.

[C]

That's right.

[B]

Oh, thank you, guys. I love the show. I'm a big fan.

[A]

Thanks.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

Bye. Bye. Hello. Hi. How are you? What name do we want to use?

[D]

Kind of went back and forth. Where's I should use my real name or a fake name.

[A]

Let's go with Jack.

[D]

Jack? Yeah.

[A]

Your shirt says Jackalope, so that was easy for us.

[D]

I was just in Nashville in July visiting some buddies of mine. Jackalope Brewing.

[B]

Cute.

[A]

Where are you at in the world?

[D]

I'm in the Hudson Valley, New York.

[C]

Lovely.

[A]

And are you happy that people are moving there? Are you upset that because that seems to be the hottest spot in the country right now?

[D]

It's a mixed bag. It's cool because there's better restaurants, there's better things to do. But I'm just outside of Beacon. A lot of people are moving up here and have been the last 10 years from Brooklyn. Mostly. I did. I moved up here 20 years ago from Brooklyn, and we did all kinds of really fun street art projects and projection mappings and live events. And that gets everybody interested in moving here. And the money comes in here, and then we can no longer afford to live there.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. That's the catch 22. Have you been to first bloom. Allison Roman's store. I think it's in Hudson Valley.

[D]

No.

[C]

Oh, you got to check it out.

[A]

The Hudson Valley is pretty big.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, my last question, and we'll get into stealing. Are you close at all to John D. Rockefeller's house? Do you know where that was at on the Hudson? I'm kind of obsessed with going there.

[D]

I imagine it's up north of Poughkeepsie, up by the Roosevelt mansion. In that area by the CIA, the culinary institution.

[A]

Yeah, that sounds right.

[C]

It's right by first bloom.

[B]

Pretty sure.

[A]

Okay, so you have a stealing story.

[D]

I'm gonna call this the greatest beer run ever.

[A]

You end up saying part two. Because I think that's a movie.

[B]

It is. Yeah.

[A]

The greatest. Jack. Zac Efron. Oh, didn't Jack Efron, my buddy, we'll.

[D]

Call him Mac, got into all kinds of nonsense in high school and never got caught. And had this charmed existence of doing all kinds of after hours madness, sneaking around, breaking into places, never really doing anything bad, but just getting into some adventures and driving around until we got lost and finding our way back kind of thing. This takes place in North Jersey, where we grew up. It was the summer of 92 or 93. Just graduated or about to graduate high school. We were both waiting tables at night night at different restaurants. And during the day we were working as sort of the gatekeeper badge checker guys at this private swim lake. Families could come. It's a lake on the beach with slides and tennis courts and there's a YMCA camp. But we were the kids at the gate. Like, hey, what's up? Carts would drive up. Do you have any guests? That's $2. We collect their $2 and we're basically sitting on a picnic table getting sun and really easy cushy job. We became friends with the lifeguards at the beach and we always hung out with them after hours. Jumping off the diving platforms, playing with the scuba gear, and just getting into all kinds of fun after hours nonsense. This one particular night, we had a few beers, campfire, hanging out. We're winding down, and the lifeguards went home. It was just me and my buddy Mac. We decided to break into the snack bar of where you work. I was texting with Mac yesterday. Actually, I wasn't sure the year because we worked there for a year or two and I think this was the year after.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[D]

So we didn't work there anymore, but we were still friends and go there after hours and there were no security cameras or anything. So you could just go there, go swimming, have a good time. Everybody's gone. It's just me and Mac. We're like, let's get some snacks. So we climb sort of over the door. It's just sort of like a shack with a padlock, but there's a gap so you could climb over the wall and then get into the snack bar, stole some Swedish fish. And I'm like, wow. You know, we're out of beer, it's late, nothing's open. And he's like, I know where I can get some beer. All right. Where? He's like, let's get in your car. We'll go.

[A]

We are supported by JCPenney.

[C]

Okay, so I just ordered these king size pillows from JCPenney, which were so hard to find. I was looking at a lot of places and JCPenney had them. And when they arrived, I was like, wait, these feel really luxe and expensive. Way more than what I paid.

[A]

Well, that's the thing about JCPenney right now. They're a one stop shop for incredible gifts. You can grab something last minute, like even on December 22, and it still looks like you've been planning for months. You know, I just bought a bunch of stockings for Nashville from JCPenney and an adorable Christmasy placemat with a fire engine on it and some nutcrackery. Guys, creatures. There's like all kinds of fun Christmas stuff.

[C]

Oh, I love that.

[A]

Whether it's beauty scents, that's home decor, jewelry, or fashion for the whole family, everything has that elevated I definitely splurged vibe.

[C]

Even when you didn't, it's what they thought that counts.

[A]

And honestly, nobody needs to know you grabbed it at the 11th hour shop. JCP.com yes, JCPenney. We are supported by Audible. You know, I spend a lot of time listening. It's literally my job. But when I'm not recording the show, I'm constantly consuming audio content. And honestly, I can get pretty overwhelmed by all the choices out there. That's why I love when Audible drops their Best of the year collection. Audible's most anticipated collection, the best of 2025, is here. And let me tell you, these editors know what they're doing. They've spent countless hours listening, having heated debates. Probably way more heated than Monica and I get, although that's hard to imagine. And they have handpicked this year's must listens. What I really appreciate is that they don't just go for the obvious picks. They found hidden gems alongside the buzziest new releases. Whether you're into true crime like Monica Hist, Historical biographies like me, or something completely different. This collection has your back. I've already started diving into their selection, and honestly, it's like having a really smart friend curate your entire listening experience. Want to finish the year with a sure thing? Check out Audible's Best of 2025 and discover why there's more to imagine when you listen. Listen now. Go to audible.com best of the year we are supported by AG1. So I've been taking AG1 for a while now, and honestly, it's become one of those things I don't even think about anymore. It's just part of my routine. AG1 is this daily health drink that combines your multivitamin, pre and probiotics, superfoods and antioxidants in one simple green scoop. It's genuinely one of the easiest things I do to support my body every day. Let's be honest, my diet during the holidays is not exactly balanced. But AG1 next gen has more vitamins and minerals than ever before, and it's clinically shown to fill those nutrition gaps. Plus, the probiotics help with digestion, which is clutch when you're eating like it's Thanksgiving every day. I swear by AG1. I drink it in the morning and it puts a real pep in my step. AG1 has their best offer ever Right now. If you head to drinkag1.comdax you'll get the welcome Kit, a morning person hat, a year's supply of vitamin D3 plus K2 and AG1 flavor sampler, and you'll get to try their new sleep supplement, AGZ for free. That's $126 in free gifts for new subscribers. Drink ag1.comdax we are supported by Quince so I'm standing in my closet the other day and I realize I'm reaching for the same three things over and over again. And they're all coming from quints. Which got me thinking, when did I become that guy who actually cares about where his clothes come from? I'll tell you when When I discovered quints.

[C]

Exactly. I was at a happy hour a couple days ago with a very cool woman named Margot. Very chic. And I was like, ooh, I pants I love your sweater. And she said, quint.

[A]

Boom.

[C]

And I was like, I should have.

[A]

Known, should have known. Turns out Quint cracked the code on something I didn't even know was broken. They partner directly with these ethical factories, cut out the middlemen. So you get the same Mongolian cashmere that cost 200 bucks elsewhere for 50, same quality, none of the markup. Perfect timing too, because holiday shopping is coming and I actually have good answers for once. Not just clothes either. They've got home stuff, travel gear, all of it. Give and get. Timeless holiday staples that last this season with quints. Go to quints.com Dax for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com Dax free shipping and 365 day returns. Quint.com Dax.

[D]

So we get in the car. We have an 84 Dodge Caravan. This is my hand me down vehicle. White with wood paneling on the side. We called it the doghouse. This thing wouldn't die. You would get close to it with the key and it would just start. We get in the doghouse and he's like, okay, there's a racket and swim club a couple towns over. My parents play there and sometimes they have tournaments. And when they have tournaments by the tennis courts, they have a big beer tent sort of setup with a keg. I'm like, a keg? He's like, yeah. We go in there. It's after midnight, country road, winding. I'd never been there before. We see the tennis courts coming up in the darkness. I'm like, okay, so where is it? He said, it's on the other side of the tennis courts. And the road kind of winds around the tennis courts to the main building. So he gets out right by the tennis courts and he's like, go around the corner and meet me on the other side. So I get out, he runs off into the darkness. I don't know where I'm going. I'm just following the road around. And I see him coming out of the darkness, carrying the keg.

[A]

Oh, you got it?

[D]

I got it, but there's more. What are you talking about?

[G]

There's more?

[D]

It's like, come with me.

[E]

I need help.

[D]

Stop the car. We put the keg in the car, follow him over to the tennis courts. And there's one of those CO2 or nitrous or whatever the tank is that pressurizes the keg. And there's a cooler sitting there with a tank. And inside the cooler, those copper cooling coils that go in there, you fill it with ice and it chills the beer as it goes through the thing.

[A]

He's like, let's take it all.

[D]

Okay, let's go. You can't just take the keg. Somebody's gonna notice. So we have to take everything. So we take everything, run back to the car, throw it in the car, casually drive the back roads back to my house. I forgot to mention my parents, my brother and my sister are all gone for a week or two. They left me home by myself.

[A]

What a blessing. What a blessing.

[D]

I was the middle kid. I watched my brother get in trou. I figured out how to not get in trouble. My parents just trusted me. I never got caught, so it's okay. So we get back to my house and we set it up in the backyard by the pool.

[A]

You feel like kings at this point.

[D]

I bet it was the best. We're eating Swedish fish, drinking free beer by the pool. We go upstairs, it's late, and we fall asleep in the living room, which has a window that kind of looks over the backyard. Wake up in the morning to this pop. We just hear hissing and a big bang. So we go to the window, we look, and the lines had warmed up in the sun. And we never turned off the pressure to the keg from the pressure tank. And there's just beer spraying everywhere, all over the patio. So we run down there trying to grab the lines. It's like fire hose just going crazy, spraying beer everywhere. We turn everything off, we get everything fixed and hooked back up. And that's most of the story. The rest of it is, what are we gonna do with the rest of this beer? So we had a party that day.

[A]

Oh, that's fun.

[C]

So you got away with.

[D]

Absolutely. Totally got away with it.

[A]

Boy, that just made me so nostalgic.

[C]

I know.

[B]

What a time.

[A]

I know. I Wish you were 93 and Aaron and I could go get in a little trouble. But you brought back. This is a bad one. This isn't good. But Aaron and I, one time we were on a bit of a bender. We were probably 22 and we were up now. It was like day two, no drugs yet involved. But it was four in the morning, we were out of booze, and we were like, what are we going to do? And we just were like, well, let's go to Meijer. There's a bunch of booze there. But after 2am you can't get it. And so we just went to Meijer, and then we just strolled through the cowboy doors into the back warehouse. And then we just wandered around the warehouse, found a half gallon of Jack Daniels, put that in the winter coat, and then just strolled out of the cowboy doors and went back to the car.

[D]

It was closed at the time.

[A]

No, it's a 24 hour store, but you can't buy booze after 2am so we just went into the fucking storage room and just sniffed around until we found a pallet of Jack Daniels.

[D]

I remember that sort of thing. I went to school in northwest Ohio at Bowling Green, and they would put the big chains across the coolers and stuff in the stores right. At midnight or something.

[A]

Right. But they can't lock the stock room door because people got to be in and out of there. So just help yourself. You just go back there like you know what you're doing.

[C]

Don't help yourself.

[A]

Don't do this. That's an amends I probably should make. I should just randomly send me $40,000. Well, no, I don't think it was that expensive.

[C]

I think there's an emotional cost. Cost.

[A]

Yeah. Pain and suffering.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, Jack, it's wonderful to meet you.

[D]

I love listening to you guys. Shows and brings back a lot of memories and the banter and the relationship you two have is awesome. I am not a day one listener, but I've listened for a couple years now. And always when I'm in the car, I'm by myself. First thing I do what's new. And I'm almost through all the back catalog.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

We thank you. Yeah, listen to the catalog, even if it's for one minute. All right, well, great meeting you, brother. Be well.

[D]

Thanks, guys.

[A]

Kelly, can you hear us?

[E]

I can hear you.

[A]

You're in a closet.

[E]

I did my best to do right by Monica.

[C]

Thank you. It sounds beautiful. Is it tilted or is the camera tilted?

[E]

The camera's tilted.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Because it could have been a cool closet situation where it's like, you know.

[A]

Like a Dr. Seuss closet.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

But don't you think all the garments would have been leaning gravity?

[C]

They're in little pockets.

[A]

Sure, sure, that could happen. But the garments themselves would not be perpendicular to the top.

[C]

I wasn't good at physics, as we've established.

[A]

Kelly, where are you?

[E]

I'm in my daughter's closet outside Nashville in Nolensville.

[A]

Where's that in relation to Mount Juliet? The only place I know.

[E]

So you hit Mount Juliet, you go a little bit south and hit Antioch area. And we're on down. So we're south of Brentwood, next to.

[A]

Franklin, south of Piercy Lake. What is it?

[E]

Percy Priest? Yeah.

[A]

And you like it there? How long have you lived there?

[E]

I moved here in 08. My husband's from here. I like it. It's one of those things where it's like, hard. Cause it's changing a Lot. Cause everybody's finding out about it.

[A]

Sorry.

[E]

It's okay. It happens with good things.

[A]

I don't think I started it. I think I was laid it Adopter.

[E]

Well, we're happy to have you.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[E]

Obviously.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

You're an exception to the rule.

[A]

Okay. And what's getting better? More food options and stuff?

[E]

Yeah, more food options and like more stuff that's close by so we don't have to go as far into town to get access to things.

[A]

And what's the downside? More traffic, prices are higher.

[E]

It's the mesh of the culture. I've lived in a lot of different places, moved around a lot so I'm used to taking a step back and seeing how things kind of unfold, how people interact and then and kind of fitting into that. And I feel like sometimes people in any situation that don't have a lot of self awareness come in and you don't do things fast in the south.

[A]

That's I think you're tiptoeing around. What I already learned while I was there is that there's a lot of Californians coming and the people can't stand it.

[E]

And I love California, I love LA in particular. So I love the fact that people drive fast there with intention. Get out of my way, know where you're going. So I can see, see both sides of that. But also here they're very much relationship building people. So you can't bulldoze that.

[A]

I was just sharing about this. I hope to think I'm like you, which is like, okay, I'm there. I'm going to follow how they do things in my little town. I drive normally like an asshole. I mean I drive fast and I want to get places and in LA everyone does. And you're anonymous and you're never going to see these people again, so who gives a fuck. And then pretty quickly I was like, oh, I'm going to see all these people. I'm passing at the fucking Tasty Freeze to and they're gonna hate me and I gotta straighten it up.

[E]

They're gonna get to know your car. Oh yeah, I feel the same thing. So my kids in band and I'm like very involved in volunteering for that. So I'm very aware of not driving like an asshole around specific areas because I don't want them to think negatively of her based on my actions.

[A]

I also drive a wood paneled station wagon that's 700 horsepower. So I don't even think it's hard to really memorize what car I'm in. Okay, so you have a stealing story.

[E]

I do have a stealing story. It takes place in Vegas, as many great stealing stories do.

[A]

If you're ever gonna steal, that's a great place to do it.

[C]

Ocean's Eleven.

[E]

I mean, one of the best stealing movies.

[C]

It's so good.

[E]

So it was 92, I was 13, and I'd already moved around a lot as a kid. I had a lot of instability. Not a lot of constants. I think I was already in upper teens, low 20s, in the numbers of schools that I'd att and been a victim of an assault. So just a lot of turmoil. I was showing everyone my lack of tools to deal with coping with said situations. I was already, like, getting drunk, going to school, in a lot of trouble. So I had somehow, I think, lack of opportunity had strung together a couple weeks of not getting in trouble. And so my parents were kind of easing back on the restrictions. They were, like, seeing some hope. So they decided to go out to dinner. And I don't know if it happened before they went out or after they went out, but I got in my head like, I'm leaving. I'm not sticking around. As long as I'm back before they get home, it's okay. They go out, I start making calls, and one of my guy friends is like, hey, you should come over. My parents won't be here all evening. Come hang out. Bring your friends with you. He lived about 25 minutes from me. And somewhere in that conversation, I look over and I see the keys to my stepdad's car.

[D]

Perfect.

[E]

I mean, it's the perfect opportunity. And I'm like, as long as I'm back before they get home, it's fine.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[E]

And you're 13 and I'm 13. I've already had a couple of driving lessons, so I feel just overconfident enough to tackle this. So I call a friend first. Friend's like, absolutely not. This is a bad idea.

[A]

I'm not going with you with a 13 year old. What kind of vehicle did he have?

[E]

A 1987 Chrysler LeBaron Tudor.

[A]

By the way, great car to steal because it's so boring a cop's not even gonna look at that car.

[C]

It sounds fun. Two door.

[E]

Well, they tried to make it sporty.

[C]

What color was it?

[E]

It was silver.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

It's a grandpa car.

[E]

I knew Monica when we got into the car piece that she was gonna be bored. But in my defense, at least it's not a Cedar Point story.

[A]

We'll See?

[C]

Yeah, we'll see where this goes.

[E]

My second friend that I call is like, I am so down. I'll be ready in five. Come get me the aqua nut. We're ready to go. I pick her up. So the only thing I remember from that drive, and it is one of those things where when you look back at the situations you put yourself in, it's a miracle that you didn't get hurt. It was like a street that was maybe 40 or 50 miles an hour. And remember coming up on the street and going, oh, I need to turn right here. But I was in the center lane. And I know that I barely slowed down and made that right turn from the center or lane. It was just amazing that there wasn't a car in the right lane next to me. But we make it to my friend's house, we're hanging out, and a little while into it, he's like, you should let me drive.

[A]

How old is he?

[E]

He's my age. So he's 13 or 14, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

And so I have this dilemma because I don't really have the ability or the understanding to weigh out decisions and see the potential consequences. But in this moment, I know that this isn't a good idea, but. And, Dax, I know that you will empathize with feeling. I have a facade that I have to put up in order to protect myself, and I cannot act like I doubt his ability or that I'm in any way afraid of what could potentially happen or that I'm concerned in any way.

[A]

I'm going to go out on a limb, too. Yeah. So there's a vulnerability piece. But then my hunches. You've already seen when men get embarrassed or feel emasculated, they get dangerous.

[E]

Yes. So we want to avoid all of that. So I'm going to choose this second option. Option. And I tell him, you can drive around the block. It was a neighborhood area. It wasn't on a major street. The way that I parked, the driver's side was facing the front of his house. So it was a line of houses on the driver's side. The left side of the street, the right side's dirt. It's desert. It hasn't been developed. And the street ends a couple of houses down from him. And then it. Ls. So you have to turn left. That's the only way that you can go. So I'm in the back seat. My friend that came with me is in the passenger seat, and he's driving. We pull out from the house, everything's Good. He makes that left turn and like any 13 or 14 year old boy with two girls in the car. What are we gonna do? We're gonna floor.

[A]

Yeah, we gotta see what this thing's got under the hood.

[B]

Foreign.

[A]

This message is brought to you by Apple Card. Apple Card members can earn unlimited daily cash back on everyday purchases wherever they shop. This means you could be earning daily cash on just about anything, like a slice of pizza from your local pizza place or a latte from the corner coffee shop. Apply for Apple Card in the Wallet app to see your credit limit offer in minutes. Subject to credit approval. Apple Card issued by Goldman Sachs Bank USA Salt Lake City Branch terms and more app applecard.com this podcast is brought to you by Squarespace, the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. When we were building the armchair Expert website, Rob actually used Squarespace to get it up and running, which was a smart choice because they've got everything you need in one place to create something that actually looks professional. What really stands out is their blueprint AI feature. It's like having a design assistant that helps you build a site that doesn't look like every other cookie cutter template out out there. Answer a few questions about what you're trying to do and it creates something that actually fits your vision. If you're someone who offers services, whether that's coaching, consulting, creative work, whatever, Squarespace handles all the business stuff too. Payment processing, scheduling, client management. No more juggling five different platforms just to get paid for what you do. The whole thing is designed so you can focus on your actual work instead of wrestling with website tech, which, let's be honest, most of us would rather avoid. So head to squarespace.comdax for a free TR and when you're ready to launch, use Code DAX to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. This show is sponsored by Better Help. The holidays are all about traditions, right? Some we inherit, others we create ourselves. And honestly, I've been thinking about what new traditions might actually serve us. Here's one I didn't see coming. Therapy as a holiday tradition. I know, I know, but hear me out. December can be intense. Family dynamics, year end pressure. All the reflection on what went right or wrong. What if instead of just surviving the season, we used it to actually understand ourselves better? We have talked numerous times about how the holiday season can be a activating event. Yeah, you're with your family.

[C]

Exactly. Family dynamics. Also pressure. Moms have pressure, dads have pressure. For these children, presents I have pressure for my gift guide.

[A]

Better help makes it simple to start. They've got over 30,000 licensed therapists who follow a strict code of care conduct. And their matching system actually works. We're talking 4.9 out of 5 stars from over 1.7 million reviews. They've helped more than 5 million people globally. Figure things out. This December. Start a new tradition by taking care of you. Armcheries get 10% [e-mail] Dax that's better.hp.com Dax.

[E]

So it was enough to lose control.

[A]

Oh, no.

[E]

And of course, he can't lose control into the dirt lot on the right. He's gotta lose control into the houses on the lot.

[A]

Oh, fuck.

[E]

And so the front guards aren't very big. There's not a lot of distance between the road and the front of someone's house. So we violently jump the curb, go through the front yard, and we hit a decorative retaining wall. And that is what keeps us feet away from going through the front of this stranger's house.

[A]

Oh, my God. Can you imagine if you're in your kitchen and you saw Lebaron burst through the door?

[C]

Remember, we did have a story of.

[A]

Teenagers in the car.

[C]

Yeah, we had a story once of a guy that the car crashed into the house.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yes. He sent pictures. Yeah. Right into the kitchen. Sitting at Ye's house.

[F]

That's crazy.

[A]

He thought there was an earthquake or something. He was sleeping through it. He was sleeping through it.

[E]

My, like, relief at not going through the house is immediately met by seeing the smoke coming out from the engine and going, there is no way that I'm getting out of this. They're gonna know. So I'm, like, resigned to that feeling. The cops show up. A few minutes later, I get arrested. They take me to juvie.

[D]

Oh, my God.

[E]

I'm in a holding cell for a few hours until they can get ahold of my parents. Cause this cell phone. So they have to wait for my parents to come home from dinner in order to let them know what's happened for them to come get me. And so I was used to the yelling and the, like, why would you do that? Or that was like, an awful decision. And all those things that parents say. This time it was met with silence, which to me is, like, even worse. It was kind of like that. The drive home the next couple of days, and then they sit me down and they say, we think it would be best and safest for you if you go live with your dad in Venezuela.

[A]

See what kind of trouble you can get into down there.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[E]

I had lived there before when my mom and dad were still married. I moved down there in the third grade. He was an engineer in the coal business, and so he was trying to develop some minds down there, so it wasn't completely foreign to me. But within a couple of weeks, I'm on a plane by myself.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[E]

And you're 13.

[B]

This is.

[E]

So hang out with my dad for a couple of days. And the closest English school is a school for Christian missionaries, kids that were stationed anywhere in South America. So he drops me off at school. Everything's good for like, week, week and a half. And he comes to see me for lunch a couple of days.

[A]

Is it a boarding school?

[E]

Yes.

[C]

Why couldn't they just do a boarding school in America? Why they have to send you all the way to Venezuela for that money?

[E]

Who knows? So everything's fine for a week or two. And he comes to see me, and we're good. And I'm navigating this completely new dynamic, very Christian, very regulated. He comes to lunch with me, says, hey, I'll be back on Saturday to see you. I've got to go into Colombia for a few days to do some business, to do some meetings. He was trying to get a mine established there. This was totally normal for him. Not normal for a lot of people, Monica, because I see your face. But very normal for him. Like, this is who he was. So Saturday comes and he doesn't show up. That is not like him. It is very much like him to stand up his wives or do something different with the many franchise families that he sets up all over. It is not normal for him to not show up for one of his kids. I'm talking to my mom, and my mom's calling his business partner that's down there trying to, like, figure out. He goes a couple of weeks, and no one knows where he is.

[C]

Oh, yeah, this is my fear.

[A]

And this is in the early 90s in Colombia. This is Pablo Escobar era, when you.

[E]

Had the DEA agents on it gave me a lot of validation of how I remember the situation and how crazy it actually was to be down there at the time. So my mom calls his business partner, who I had known since I was a kid, who was also down there and said, hey, we don't know what's going on. And I can't get a hold of her. Dad, you need to put her on a plane. I'm not comfortable with her being at that school by herself. So he comes to get Me, I go to my dad's apartment, which he has a key to, pack up the rest of my stuff. And while I'm packing up my stuff, he's going through my dad's office and filing through all the paperwork and going through, trying to find something. And that didn't seem very abnormal to me at the time because I didn't know the background of what was happening. Takes me to the airport, has to pay a bribe because my visa has expired, and they don't want to let me on the flight. I go back, I'm in Vegas for a couple of days, and the FBI comes to my house.

[A]

Oh, my goodness.

[E]

And starts asking questions. When did you see him? What was your last interaction like? Apparently, my older sister, from him, was doing some background work. She was working for a senator in D.C. trying to figure out if anyone had been heard, if there was any accidents involving Americans that hadn't been broadcast or anything like that. And through that conversation, we find out that he's been kidnapped.

[A]

Oh, my goodness.

[E]

They want a million dollars for his release, and they are holding steady to that. So over the next couple of. Around Christmas, we get, like, a proof of life with him. Long hair, beard, looking very different. He ended up being held for nine months. Former business partner ended up paying 50 grand for his release.

[A]

They came down on the price.

[E]

They finally realized, like, you don't have an in with anyone when you're down there.

[A]

You think all Americans are millionaires. You're watching TV and you're like, oh, yeah, everyone's fucking loaded.

[E]

Yeah. He was released in June of 90. He came back to the States. I sent Emma and Rob a screenshot of the Washington Post article that we did in D.C. with him. After that, he did a diary of his experience.

[A]

Really?

[E]

And then went back to work his ransom off.

[A]

Oh, my goodness.

[F]

Wait, what? Why?

[A]

So he kind of has integrity?

[B]

No.

[A]

Well, not kind of. He has integrity. No. No. To the man who bailed him out.

[E]

Oh, my God, yes.

[C]

I thought you were saying he, like.

[A]

Do yard work for the kid.

[C]

Made a million dollars and gave it to the kidnappers.

[A]

And how did that go? Did he remain in Venezuela?

[E]

He was there on and off for a few years. He was in Guatemala for a while, which I have a little sister from that experience. He went to Siberia and did some work there for a while.

[A]

What an interesting person. Did he speak Spanish? Was he like, hey, I speak Spanish. Maybe I can get something done?

[E]

He was awful.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

That was like an ongoing joke where he would say something and no. Could even Come close to making sense of what he was attempting to say.

[A]

He was a little more confident in it than he should have been.

[E]

Oh, he was so overconfident.

[F]

Wow.

[A]

Is he still alive?

[E]

He is not. It was so interesting. Cause Tuesday I was having this very much like gratitude attack. I'm building a software that is directly rooted in an experience with him. He died of frontal temporal dementia. So I was just having this moment of like immense gratitude over getting to know him and getting that experience and hoping that this software will help a lot of people. And I get this email from Emma and I'm like, how fitting to be able to tell a story that while my part is significant, his really takes it up to the next level of his life. Like, he was such an adventurer.

[C]

Oh, how awesome. Very simp.

[A]

You think know. And I don't want to diminish my children's challenges because they're real. But when I think about the drama that's happening in seventh grade that I hear about versus I'm in a fucking boarding school, there are some 13 year olds dealing with some major shit that adults can't deal with.

[C]

Definitely.

[E]

So wild.

[A]

But you're safe in Tennessee and you have your own children or child. That's incredible.

[E]

I do. I have my own children that every time the prompts come out, they send me links to them and so do you have any stories for the help you tell them?

[A]

We said you had a banger this month.

[E]

I've got 19 years sober.

[A]

Oh, my God. Congratulations. Congrats.

[E]

My husband and I share an AA birthday.

[A]

You do?

[E]

I have 19 years, he has 39.

[C]

Oh, good for both of you. Wow, that's incredible.

[E]

Can I bring my youngest in? Because I let her skip school this afternoon so that she could come say hi.

[A]

Better than stealing a lebaron.

[B]

Hi. Hi. My name's Ava.

[A]

Hi, Ava. How old are you?

[B]

14.

[A]

You're 14.

[C]

You're older than your mom was when she drove that car.

[A]

She became a criminal.

[B]

Yeah, I always joke with my parents cause my dad stole a motorcycle when.

[E]

He was 13 and I was like.

[B]

I've beaten your guys record. I haven't stolen anything yet.

[C]

Good job.

[A]

Well, hopefully you'll pick better. Your mom picked a LeBaron. If you're gonna steal something, at least go over to Mount Juliet and get my Corvette or something.

[B]

Yeah, something awesome.

[E]

Something faster. Anyway.

[A]

All right, well, lovely meeting both of you.

[E]

So nice to meet both of you. Thank you so much. Have an amazing day.

[A]

All right, take care.

[B]

Bye.

[A]

Hello. Hi, Trish. Are you a Gamer or do you work at AT&T? Why do you have this great headset?

[F]

Because I bought it for this specifically.

[C]

Oh, we owe you some money.

[A]

Yeah. Submit your receipts, we'll reimburse you.

[F]

I might return it afterwards.

[A]

Where are you, Trish?

[F]

I am in New Jersey.

[A]

No, I don't want to off you, but I do think shit goes down in Jersey, right? We would say this probably is a standard deviation higher than the rest of the country and thefts in general.

[F]

There is some shit that goes down for sure. We have some dangerous areas. Crime rate in certain areas is a little higher than others.

[A]

Did you grow up in kind of like a rural area or in one of those city areas?

[F]

I actually grew up right by the beach, just over the seaside bridge.

[A]

Oh, you did. So we're talking Jersey Shore. Ish.

[F]

Yes.

[A]

And so when the show became popular, did you feel exploitative or you were like, they nailed it.

[F]

They absolutely did not nail it.

[A]

They did not nail it.

[C]

They did not nail it. So you're annoyed by it? Understandably.

[F]

Relatively.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

Snooki actually bought a house on the block behind the house that I grew up in.

[A]

Oh, really? Do you know why I like Snooki? Is that her dad was very into snowmobiling. She grew up snowmobiling, and that made me like her.

[F]

Oh, there you go.

[A]

Yeah, it doesn't take much for me.

[C]

Yeah, one little thing. Easy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So you have a stealing story.

[F]

I do have a stealing story. I accidentally stole a purse from an elderly lady.

[A]

Oh, okay. Let's hear how that happened.

[F]

Which led to. Well, you'll find out what it led to. This was circa 2011, and I was 21 and my boyfriend at the time and I had a house that we were renting, and oftentimes we would end up with a roommate. We had an extra room, you know, a little extra income. At this time, it was one of our best friends, Dan. Dan would go to work with. Now, my husband, Josh, pretty often extra cash, and he ran his own business. He is a marine mechanic. He specializes in performance marine. He builds engines. So at that time, I was actually detailing boats for a living. Ah. And a lot of the work was at the. Where my husband was running his business. So on this particular day, the three of us were there. This was before marriage and kids and all that. So we would spend some late nights there. So one day around like 6 o' clock or so, my husband said to Dan and I, he was like, why don't you guys run to the liquor store, grab a 12 pack, come back, you know, we'll finish out the day. Because that's oftentimes how we did finish out our days.

[A]

Love it.

[F]

So Dan and I get in my car, we run to the liquor store. The location of the marina compared to the liquor store, there's a bunch of U turns and lights that you have to go through.

[B]

So.

[F]

So on the way back, there was a parking lot that you could cut through to avoid all of that. It was like a strip mall kind of a thing. Big West Marine, Bed, Bath and Beyond, Best Buy kind of a thing. So we're driving through the parking lot and I see a purse in the middle of the parking lot just sitting there all by itself. And I was like, oh, I'm gonna grab that. I'll bring it to the police station in the morning. It looked like somebody had come out of probably Bed, Bath and Beyond. Like I said, probably an older lady, put it on top of her car, loaded her stuff in, drove away, purse falls off.

[A]

Just wait really quick. I love this theory. I think it's better than the one I thought of. Original, which is like somehow she set it on the ground to then unload her cart. But of course, probably on the roof.

[C]

Yeah, the roof is great. Or it just fell off her body.

[A]

This is where my inexperience of having a purse comes to show.

[C]

Yeah, you never had a purse.

[F]

It wasn't huge, but it wasn't small either. It was like a medium sized bag, a grandma purse. We stop, I grab it, throw it in my backseat. Didn't even look in it. Didn't think twice about it. Head back to the marina, doing our thing. We finish out our day. It's like nine o'clock now. We're wrapping up and we're like, all right. Dan goes with Josh in his truck and I had my car. I'm like, I'm gonna stop at Wawa for milk. I'll meet you guys at home. Dan's girlfriend was waiting for us there. We were gonna hang out for the rest of the evening. Wawa's like a mile from my house, if that. So I stop, I grab the milk, and I come out from Wawa. Now, side note, on my way from the marina to the convenience store, I heard a phone ringing in my backseat. And I was like, oh, Dan left his phone in my car. Note to self, give that back when I get home. So I come out of Wawa and my car is completely surrounded by cop cars. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on? There's like Five of them. And I hear one of them say something about a purse. And I was like, oh, I found one a couple of hours ago. It's in my backseat. I was gonna bring it to you guys in the morning. And he looks at me dead in the eye, and he goes, turn around and put your hands behind your back. You're under arrest.

[A]

No.

[F]

And I was like, what? Now, keep in mind, I'm 21. I have no record or anything like that. I'm trying to do a good deed for this person. He's being such a jerk about it. He took my phone. He took the battery out of the back of my phone.

[A]

What?

[F]

This was like early days of iPhone. They had just come out, so I had, like, a sidekick. I can't call anybody. My husband's expecting me to be home moment momentarily. So he's like, I'm gonna charge you with grand larceny. You could go to prison for, like, 10 years. All this stuff. Now I'm like, freaking out. This is insane. I tell him the whole story. He's like, why didn't you bring it to us Immediately? I was like, well, we were in the middle of our workday. I was just gonna drop it off in the morning. He's like, you should have called us. We would have come to you. I'm like, I had no idea. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. So lesson learned. My bad. So now I'm handcuffed, I'm in the backseat of my car, and my husband's gotta be like, where the fuck is she? Why isn't she home yet? He had an 82 Chevy pickup truck. It was a dually with a flatbed on it that he fabricated with, like, diamond plate. It had a steel I beam for a bumper, and the thing was loud. The most redneck truck you'll ever see in your life.

[A]

Yeah, the guy's a stud. You got to call it what it is. Guy's a fucking stud.

[F]

So I hear his truck from pretty decently far down the road. And he gets to Wawa, sees everything all lit up. He comes flying in, parks right in the middle of the parking lot. He's like, what the hell is going on? They tell him she stole this purse, but he's like, she didn't steal anything. They fully arrest me.

[A]

What?

[F]

They took me to the police station. They booked me. They took pictures of my tattoos, like, the whole nine. We were there, there for, like, far too long. They had me sitting in a cell by myself.

[A]

Oh, my God. Also, like, what did you Steal it. It's sitting in a fudgeing parking lot.

[F]

Well, and the other thing too is I was like, dude, if I was going to steal this, I would have ransacked it and then dumped it in a dumpster somewhere. Like everything is still in it. We didn't get home till probably 11:30, 12:00'. Clock.

[A]

They really fucked up your evening completely.

[F]

Everything was great. Now we've got court date. So now I have to hire an attorney.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[F]

And we have to take off of work. So the first court date, the cop never showed up. The second court, the cop didn't show up and neither did the owner. They never showed up. So it kept getting pushed and pushed and pushed. So finally, after six months of rescheduling, the owner's son showed up. And I was correct in my assumption that it was an elderly lady. She was in her 90s. So the son was older too. He was like in his 70s.

[A]

The son. That is not what I was picturing.

[F]

So the ringing that I heard in my backseat, she had had a brand new iPhone and they were trying to ping it. That's how the cops found me and ended up surrounding my car. So after all was said, because the son was like, there's nothing missing. He's like, she clearly wasn't trying to steal this.

[A]

Everyone was inconvenienced by this dick.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

The judge dismissed it. Case closed. I never got charged with anything. So fast forward some years. One particular company I was working for was not far from my father in law's house. And I worked there for almost four years. And during that time, every single Friday, my father in law and I would meet up for lunch at 1 o' clock at this one particular bar, right in between the two of us and whoever else wanted to join. They always knew we were there, whether it was my husband or one of our friends. For years, there was a guy that was sitting across the bar from us, and we knew we knew him from somewhere, but we couldn't put our fingers on it. So then Covid hits. Unfortunately, the bar did not survive after Covid hit, so they ended up shutting down. So like six months later, out of the blue, my husband and I were. I don't even know where we were, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was like, babe, I know who that guy is at the bar. He's like, who? I go, that's the attorney that we hired when I didn't steal that lady's purse.

[C]

Oh my God.

[F]

So then very shortly after that, I was with my mom. We were out somewhere and the person in line in front of me left their phone on the counter. So I grabbed it and I ran it outside to the and I came back in and she was like, when are you going to learn to stop doing these things for people? Like you're going to get arrested again.

[C]

You're too nice. You're trying to help.

[A]

No good deed if I do and.

[F]

Damned if I don't. No good deed indeed.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Well, a lot of things are happening. I'm hearing this life you have and I love it. It's very much where I grew up. It's like if you're a hard working blue collar dude, you learn how to work on some shit, you can build a business, you go to the bar, you do everything right, you're your family, you're connected with the father in law. All of it's great. And then the cop is very reminiscent too. I kind of can't help but be pissed all over again for that kind of demeanor. Popping your fucking battery out of your phone. What?

[B]

I know.

[F]

And then many years later, one of our very good friends happens to also be a police officer in the same town. And we were telling him this story and he was like, oh, what's his name? So I tell him and he goes, I'm like best friends with that guy. I was like, well, you can tell him that he's a jerk off. Yeah, exactly. And then he arrested me for no reason.

[A]

Well, Trish, what a delight to meet you.

[F]

Yeah, it was such a pleasure. You guys are awesome. You guys don't know this, but the three of us collectively have been friends for years. I discovered you guys during COVID and I listen all the time and I'm always like contributing to the conversation on.

[C]

My good as you should. That's what we want.

[A]

You lost a bar in Covid, but you made two friends, so maybe it's a pro.

[F]

I did see. Win, Win. We found a new bar.

[C]

Good, good, good.

[A]

All right, well be well. It was great meeting you.

[F]

Best wishes to both of you.

[A]

Okay, take care.

[C]

I would be so pissed if I was trying to do something good and.

[A]

I got the injustice.

[C]

The injustice.

[F]

I hate it.

[A]

You would have to do the forgiveness exercise for the that we learned from James Kimmel Jr.

[C]

Check that episode out. Great episode.

[A]

Jim Kimmel Jr. All right, love you.

[G]

Do you want to sing a tune or something?

[B]

One of a theme song.

[A]

Oh, okay, Great.

[B]

Right.

[A]

We don't have a theming song for this new show, so here I go. Go go. We're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of armchairies, we'll get some suggestions on the Fly Rhyme Dish on the Fire Rhyme Dish. Enjoy. Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondry App, Amazon Music or wherever you get your your podcasts. You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short [e-mail] survey hey basketball fans.

[G]

Steve Nash here. Ready to elevate your basketball IQ? I'm teaming up with LeBron James to bring you the latest season of Mind the Game and we're about to take take you deeper into basketball than you've ever gone before. We're breaking down the real game, the X's and O's that actually matter. In every episode. We'll share elite level strategy, dive into career defining moments and explain the why behind plays that changed a game, a team or a championship. LeBron and I have lived this game at the highest level for decades. We've been in those pressure moments and made those game changing decisions and learned from the greatest of basketball minds in history. Now we're pulling back the curtain and sharing that knowledge with you. Time to go beyond the highlights and get into the real heart of basketball. Watch Mind the game now on YouTube Prime Video or listen wherever you get your podcasts.