Armchair Expert: Armchair Anonymous – Subway
Podcast: Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Episode: Armchair Anonymous: Subway
Date: August 29, 2025
Host: Dax Shepard, Monica Padman
Main Theme:
Listeners and the Armchair team share wild, harrowing, and hilarious stories from subways around the world, exemplifying the bizarre, messy, and sometimes profound experiences found in public transportation. The episode celebrates the unpredictability of human nature, vulnerability, and the lessons learned from chaos and discomfort – all through the lens of subway stories.
Episode Overview
Dax and Monica introduce the “Armchair Anonymous: Subway” episode by reflecting on their own subway habits and the allure of people-watching underground. This episode features candid, unfiltered stories from listeners across the globe, highlighting dangerous, absurd, and deeply human moments encountered on subway systems. As Dax puts it, “almost anything can happen on a subway,” and the stories chosen reflect that range—from confronting death to unfortunate run-ins with human waste and unexpected assaults.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Subway Sagas: Five Listener Stories
a. Julie’s New York Subway Nightmare
- Setting: New York City, summer 2005, during a heatwave.
- Story Summary: On her way home from a glamorous internship, Julie opts for an unairconditioned, dim subway car to avoid the crowds. She discovers a man sprawled across the bench who doesn’t respond. Fearing he is dead or overdosing, she notes the car details, exits at the next stop, and tells a police officer at Penn Station, only to learn they already knew. The officers intended to deal with the body at the end of the line to avoid disrupting service.
- Aftermath: The incident deeply unsettles Julie and prompts her to leave NYC for Massachusetts, declaring, “Oh, fuck this, I’m not moving to New York after college.”
- Notable Exchange:
- Julie: “If he's not dead, I'm saving his life.” (08:52)
- Police response: “Oh, yeah, we know about this. We’re gonna get him at the end of the line. No, why’d you go in that car?” (09:41)
- Insight: Sensitivities around death and bureaucracy on public transport; personal boundaries in urban survival.
b. Connor’s Mexico City Crush
- Setting: Mexico City, 2010, on the El Metro.
- Story Summary: While on a Mormon mission, Connor and other missionaries attempt to take a train during rush hour to visit Teotihuacan. The platform is so packed they have to push their way in like “sardines.” The crowd is so dense that one companion is lost from sight and becomes unresponsive, pinned beneath the mass. Connor and his group pull him up for fresh air, reviving him; the man remembers nothing from the ordeal.
- Dax’s Physical Reaction: “Oh, I'm getting claustrophobic thinking of this.” (22:50)
- Connor’s Reflection: “He was almost blue. He's drooling, eyes rolled back into the back of his head.” (23:18)
- Vocab Highlight: Dax praises Connor’s wordplay: “It's impressive when someone can grab purchase like that.” (26:41)
- Insight: Physical dangers unique to massive city transit. Comradery and the absurdity of missionary life in unfamiliar landscape.
c. Kristen’s Parisian Assault
- Setting: Paris Metro, 2001.
- Story Summary: Traveling with friends as a student, Kristen is sexually assaulted by a man on the subway steps—a stranger presses himself against her, makes an obscene slurping noise, and ejaculates on her jacket just as she boards the train. The group is shocked and disturbed, ultimately coping through nervous laughter and shopping the traumatic jacket away.
- Notable Quote:
- Kristen: “I utter the words, but penis. ...He had left a little gift for me up the back of my jacket.” (31:19-32:08)
- Monica’s Response: “Cause what else is there to do?” (32:27)
- Insight: The grim realities and vulnerabilities faced by women; normalization and absurdity in responses to urban trauma.
d. Tess’s New York Pile of Poop
- Setting: New York City subway, 2023.
- Story Summary: Tess, excited in her rented, stylish jeans, sits on a full subway car—only to realize she’s sat directly in human feces. Other passengers don’t warn her, and she is left mortified, balancing humor and horror as she runs out, finds solace in a Lululemon (the employees give her a 75% discount and a safe place to change), and launders her jeans before returning them to Nuuly.
- Notable Quotes:
- Tess: “Why didn’t you tell me?” (45:25)
- Monica: “I'm still really far from home. … I sat in shit, I need new pants right now.” (49:11)
- Dax: “When you stood up and you turned around to confirm that it was shit, what kind of shit are we talking about?” (45:35)
- Lesson: Always look before you sit on the NYC subway—timeless city wisdom delivered with empathy and laughter.
e. Dax’s Amsterdam Train Detour (Host Story)
- Setting: Amsterdam airport terminal, 2000.
- Story Summary: Dax recounts a friend’s misadventure—falling asleep on a train after eating space cake on a layover, missing the stop for the airport, waking up in rural windmill country, and eventually (miraculously) rejoining the group in Venice.
- Notable Line:
- Dax: “He woke up and there was windmills everywhere. And he was in the countryside.” (39:31)
- Insight: How travel mishaps quickly spiral in the pre-cell phone era.
2. Recurring Themes and Tone
- Extreme Urban Realities: From dead bodies to soiled subway seats and sexual predators, everyone on mass transit has a story—often grim, sometimes hilarious.
- Humor as Coping: Dax and Monica guide guests through dark and cringeworthy material with levity and empathy, revealing how shared storytelling defangs trauma.
- Vocabulary & Wordplay: Dax celebrates guests’ creative word choices (“purchase,” “birthed,” “titillated”) as an unexpected delight.
- Moral Lessons: Underneath the horror is the message: be vigilant (look before you sit!), and recognize the humanity—and unpredictability—of city life.
Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments
| Time | Speaker | Quote / Moment | |:-:|:---|:---| | 06:59 | Julie | “The work commute is different than other times on the subway.” | | 09:44 | Julie (& Dax/Monica) | “Officer, I’m pretty sure there’s a dead man on this train.” “Oh, yeah, we know about this. … No, why’d you go in that car?” | | 22:50 | Dax | “Oh, I’m getting claustrophobic thinking of this.” | | 26:41 | Dax | “It’s impressive when someone can grab ‘purchase’ like that.” | | 31:19 | Kristen | “I utter the words, but penis. … He had left a little gift for me up the back of my jacket.” | | 42:44 | Tess | “I was stunting in those [jeans] … unfortunately not a weather appropriate outfit.” | | 45:25 | Tess | “Why didn’t you tell me?” | | 45:43 | Dax | “When you turned around to confirm that it was shit, what kind of shit are we talking about?” | | 49:54 | Tess | “I finally change into the leggings, ever so delicately … The very kind people at the Flat Iron Lululemon did give me a 75% off. They called it the ‘you’ve sat in human shit discount.’” | | 51:18 | Tess | “I didn’t sit down on the subway for months after.” | | 52:04 | Dax | “They’re learning the reality of the planet they live on. I think that’s the service we provide.” |
Timestamps for Major Segments
- [04:18] – Julie’s NYC “Dead Guy in the Subway” story
- [13:02] – Connor’s “Missionaries trapped in the Mexico City Metro” story
- [27:34] – Kristen’s “Paris Metro sexual assault” story
- [41:06] – Dax’s friend lost on Amsterdam train (mini-story)
- [41:05] – Tess’s “Sat in human shit on the NYC subway” story
- [52:04] – Reflections and lessons learned from subway stories
Episode Flow & Tone
The conversation is fun but never flippant, taking guests’ trauma and embarrassment seriously while always finding room for levity. Dax and Monica keep listeners and guests comfortable, drawing out vivid descriptions and finding a sort of camaraderie in shared subway suffering. Vocabulary, repartee, and a willingness to linger on gross details give the episode its signature “Armchair Expert” tone—warm, witty, and surprisingly wise.
Takeaway
“Armchair Anonymous: Subway” is an ode to the unpredictable messiness of urban life and the resilience required to get through it. The episode leaves listeners with sharp laughter, a few cautionary tales, and the reassurance that—even if you sit in something gross or witness something terrible—you’re nowhere near alone.
Listen if: You love the absurd realities of city living, can stomach gross-out stories, or want to feel just a bit better about your own public transportation mishaps.
Key takeaway: Life underground is unpredictable, unsanitized, and a wild testament to human adaptability and humor.