Armchair Anonymous: Subway

Summary

Armchair Expert: Armchair Anonymous – Subway

Podcast: Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Episode: Armchair Anonymous: Subway
Date: August 29, 2025
Host: Dax Shepard, Monica Padman
Main Theme:
Listeners and the Armchair team share wild, harrowing, and hilarious stories from subways around the world, exemplifying the bizarre, messy, and sometimes profound experiences found in public transportation. The episode celebrates the unpredictability of human nature, vulnerability, and the lessons learned from chaos and discomfort – all through the lens of subway stories.

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Episode Overview

Dax and Monica introduce the “Armchair Anonymous: Subway” episode by reflecting on their own subway habits and the allure of people-watching underground. This episode features candid, unfiltered stories from listeners across the globe, highlighting dangerous, absurd, and deeply human moments encountered on subway systems. As Dax puts it, “almost anything can happen on a subway,” and the stories chosen reflect that range—from confronting death to unfortunate run-ins with human waste and unexpected assaults.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Subway Sagas: Five Listener Stories

a. Julie’s New York Subway Nightmare

• Setting: New York City, summer 2005, during a heatwave.
• Story Summary: On her way home from a glamorous internship, Julie opts for an unairconditioned, dim subway car to avoid the crowds. She discovers a man sprawled across the bench who doesn’t respond. Fearing he is dead or overdosing, she notes the car details, exits at the next stop, and tells a police officer at Penn Station, only to learn they already knew. The officers intended to deal with the body at the end of the line to avoid disrupting service.
• Aftermath: The incident deeply unsettles Julie and prompts her to leave NYC for Massachusetts, declaring, “Oh, fuck this, I’m not moving to New York after college.”
• Notable Exchange:
  • Julie: “If he's not dead, I'm saving his life.” (08:52)
  • Police response: “Oh, yeah, we know about this. We’re gonna get him at the end of the line. No, why’d you go in that car?” (09:41)
• Insight: Sensitivities around death and bureaucracy on public transport; personal boundaries in urban survival.

b. Connor’s Mexico City Crush

• Setting: Mexico City, 2010, on the El Metro.
• Story Summary: While on a Mormon mission, Connor and other missionaries attempt to take a train during rush hour to visit Teotihuacan. The platform is so packed they have to push their way in like “sardines.” The crowd is so dense that one companion is lost from sight and becomes unresponsive, pinned beneath the mass. Connor and his group pull him up for fresh air, reviving him; the man remembers nothing from the ordeal.
• Dax’s Physical Reaction: “Oh, I'm getting claustrophobic thinking of this.” (22:50)
• Connor’s Reflection: “He was almost blue. He's drooling, eyes rolled back into the back of his head.” (23:18)
• Vocab Highlight: Dax praises Connor’s wordplay: “It's impressive when someone can grab purchase like that.” (26:41)
• Insight: Physical dangers unique to massive city transit. Comradery and the absurdity of missionary life in unfamiliar landscape.

c. Kristen’s Parisian Assault

• Setting: Paris Metro, 2001.
• Story Summary: Traveling with friends as a student, Kristen is sexually assaulted by a man on the subway steps—a stranger presses himself against her, makes an obscene slurping noise, and ejaculates on her jacket just as she boards the train. The group is shocked and disturbed, ultimately coping through nervous laughter and shopping the traumatic jacket away.
• Notable Quote:
  • Kristen: “I utter the words, but penis. ...He had left a little gift for me up the back of my jacket.” (31:19-32:08)
  • Monica’s Response: “Cause what else is there to do?” (32:27)
• Insight: The grim realities and vulnerabilities faced by women; normalization and absurdity in responses to urban trauma.

d. Tess’s New York Pile of Poop

• Setting: New York City subway, 2023.
• Story Summary: Tess, excited in her rented, stylish jeans, sits on a full subway car—only to realize she’s sat directly in human feces. Other passengers don’t warn her, and she is left mortified, balancing humor and horror as she runs out, finds solace in a Lululemon (the employees give her a 75% discount and a safe place to change), and launders her jeans before returning them to Nuuly.
• Notable Quotes:
  • Tess: “Why didn’t you tell me?” (45:25)
  • Monica: “I'm still really far from home. … I sat in shit, I need new pants right now.” (49:11)
  • Dax: “When you stood up and you turned around to confirm that it was shit, what kind of shit are we talking about?” (45:35)
• Lesson: Always look before you sit on the NYC subway—timeless city wisdom delivered with empathy and laughter.

e. Dax’s Amsterdam Train Detour (Host Story)

• Setting: Amsterdam airport terminal, 2000.
• Story Summary: Dax recounts a friend’s misadventure—falling asleep on a train after eating space cake on a layover, missing the stop for the airport, waking up in rural windmill country, and eventually (miraculously) rejoining the group in Venice.
• Notable Line:
  • Dax: “He woke up and there was windmills everywhere. And he was in the countryside.” (39:31)
• Insight: How travel mishaps quickly spiral in the pre-cell phone era.

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2. Recurring Themes and Tone

• Extreme Urban Realities: From dead bodies to soiled subway seats and sexual predators, everyone on mass transit has a story—often grim, sometimes hilarious.
• Humor as Coping: Dax and Monica guide guests through dark and cringeworthy material with levity and empathy, revealing how shared storytelling defangs trauma.
• Vocabulary & Wordplay: Dax celebrates guests’ creative word choices (“purchase,” “birthed,” “titillated”) as an unexpected delight.
• Moral Lessons: Underneath the horror is the message: be vigilant (look before you sit!), and recognize the humanity—and unpredictability—of city life.

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

| Time | Speaker | Quote / Moment | |:-:|:---|:---| | 06:59 | Julie | “The work commute is different than other times on the subway.” | | 09:44 | Julie (& Dax/Monica) | “Officer, I’m pretty sure there’s a dead man on this train.” “Oh, yeah, we know about this. … No, why’d you go in that car?” | | 22:50 | Dax | “Oh, I’m getting claustrophobic thinking of this.” | | 26:41 | Dax | “It’s impressive when someone can grab ‘purchase’ like that.” | | 31:19 | Kristen | “I utter the words, but penis. … He had left a little gift for me up the back of my jacket.” | | 42:44 | Tess | “I was stunting in those [jeans] … unfortunately not a weather appropriate outfit.” | | 45:25 | Tess | “Why didn’t you tell me?” | | 45:43 | Dax | “When you turned around to confirm that it was shit, what kind of shit are we talking about?” | | 49:54 | Tess | “I finally change into the leggings, ever so delicately … The very kind people at the Flat Iron Lululemon did give me a 75% off. They called it the ‘you’ve sat in human shit discount.’” | | 51:18 | Tess | “I didn’t sit down on the subway for months after.” | | 52:04 | Dax | “They’re learning the reality of the planet they live on. I think that’s the service we provide.” |

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• [04:18] – Julie’s NYC “Dead Guy in the Subway” story
• [13:02] – Connor’s “Missionaries trapped in the Mexico City Metro” story
• [27:34] – Kristen’s “Paris Metro sexual assault” story
• [41:06] – Dax’s friend lost on Amsterdam train (mini-story)
• [41:05] – Tess’s “Sat in human shit on the NYC subway” story
• [52:04] – Reflections and lessons learned from subway stories

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Episode Flow & Tone

The conversation is fun but never flippant, taking guests’ trauma and embarrassment seriously while always finding room for levity. Dax and Monica keep listeners and guests comfortable, drawing out vivid descriptions and finding a sort of camaraderie in shared subway suffering. Vocabulary, repartee, and a willingness to linger on gross details give the episode its signature “Armchair Expert” tone—warm, witty, and surprisingly wise.

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Takeaway

“Armchair Anonymous: Subway” is an ode to the unpredictable messiness of urban life and the resilience required to get through it. The episode leaves listeners with sharp laughter, a few cautionary tales, and the reassurance that—even if you sit in something gross or witness something terrible—you’re nowhere near alone.

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Listen if: You love the absurd realities of city living, can stomach gross-out stories, or want to feel just a bit better about your own public transportation mishaps.
Key takeaway: Life underground is unpredictable, unsanitized, and a wild testament to human adaptability and humor.

Transcript

[Dax Shepard]

Wondry plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free right now. Join Wondry plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Rather and I'm joined by Monica Podman.

[Monica Padman]

Hi.

[Dax Shepard]

Hi.

[Monica Padman]

You said it. A little Indian.

[Dax Shepard]

I just wanted to say Podman, but I guess just saying Po makes it seem like I'm doing that. But actually, in my mind, I changed your name to Pod. M A N. Oh.

[Monica Padman]

Cause podcast.

[Dax Shepard]

Exactly. You got it. Thanks for saving me. This is about subways. And you know what's great about subways is almost anything can happen on a subway. You might just think this will be, like, mechanical disasters.

[Monica Padman]

Not a one.

[Dax Shepard]

No. All the human offerings are in this.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, this is a harrowing episode. I've already sort of stopped going on the subway in New York. I don't go on the subway anymore.

[Dax Shepard]

You don't?

[Tess]

No.

[Monica Padman]

Which I know is. It feels like cheating. It's bougie. I recognize that. But this did not make me want to go back.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm not going to claim that I use the subway a lot because I, too, will often jump in a cab. It just feels more convenient in that moment for me to just get in a cab.

[Monica Padman]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

But I actually love being on the subway, especially with headphones on. It's such good people watching.

[Monica Padman]

Well, I will be clear. It's not that I jump in a taxi. I mean, I do every now and then, but I'll walk an hour and a half to get to a location.

[Dax Shepard]

We share that in California. Yeah, we do. Yeah. Yeah. We just recently walked a couple thousand blocks from Shaq.

[Monica Padman]

It's so fun.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, it really is. It's the single best part. Anyway, we're getting distracted. Please enjoy Subway stories. We are supported by Quint's. With Quint's, you can get luxury basics at prices that make sense. Get all the good stuff. High quality fabrics, classic fits and lightweight layers for warm weather without dropping a fortune. I just was staring at a box of quints that arrived yesterday. Kristin's been firing off orders. We all love everything that arrives.

[Monica Padman]

I ordered some sheets. Some really, really amazing sheets. They're also so cut. They. They're striped. They have this, like, cream stripe. It is. I love quints, and I feel like it's a hack, honestly. It's like the quality is so good and it's so reasonable. If you need to get anyone a present or anything, I think Quint is.

[Dax Shepard]

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[Monica Padman]

Guys, do not sleep on JCPenney. They've got stylish clothes for everyone in your life. Yourself, obviously, your parents, your kids, your friend's new baby. There's something for every age, everybody and every budget.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, the budget part is huge because scoring a great deal is one of the last socially acceptable forms of bragging.

[Monica Padman]

So true. Why does it feel so good when someone gives you an outfit compliment and then you drop that you paid less than they think? It's just really satisfying.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. And then you tell them where you got it. It's from J.C. penney. Yes. JCPenney. It's so good. I just got a second pair of Levi's that are just blowing my mind. They had a wash on there I couldn't find anywhere else. And boy, God, I, I look, I just, I'm approaching Beckham status with these slacks.

[Monica Padman]

Nice. So if you've been sleeping on J.C. penney, wake up and check it out. They've got fashion worth bragging about.

[Dax Shepard]

And they've got a great reward system too that makes every shopping trip even more worth it. Shop jcpenney.com yes, JCPenney. Good times take them slow My life, I had them both.

[Connor]

One thing you got to know I'mma keep on shining.

[Monica Padman]

Hello.

[Dax Shepard]

How are you? Look at this very exciting room we're in. There's a lot to look at.

[Monica Padman]

There's cute baby pictures, there's babies.

[Dax Shepard]

There's a checkered something behind you.

[Julie]

This is my closet that I put anything random that I don't know where I should go.

[Dax Shepard]

You've got like a junk closet.

[Julie]

It's like a memory box closet and it is my only closet.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, I didn't mean to be derogatory. Just. We call that a Junk drawer.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, we got in an issue, which you'll hear soon about hoarding. Would you call yourself a hoarder or no?

[Julie]

I was a hoarder. And then we renovated our home and I had to clean everything out. And it was the worst experience of my life. And now every time I bring something into my house, I'm like, where does this go? If I don't have a space for can't live here.

[Dax Shepard]

Julie, this is incredible because you were saying it kind of as a joke, but then there's some real history of it. How long have you adopted this?

[Julie]

This has been like the last two years.

[Dax Shepard]

It's so funny you would say that because I said to Monica, Bri and I's old rule was we lived in a one bedroom apartment with one closet. It was like if you were going to buy a new piece of clothes, you did have to first pick one to remove. It was one in, one out. And that was a hard and fast rule. And so I'm just wondering, does it feel lighter to live this way or is there anxiety?

[Julie]

It does. I feel like I am not getting the best deals because I refuse to buy, like the big olive oil at Costco because I can't store it. But I aspire to have a capsule wardrobe. I would love to be someone who wears the same thing every day.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Like Steve Jobs.

[Monica Padman]

It's too hard.

[Julie]

It's really hard. I do like things.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, things are fun.

[Julie]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. So, Julie, where are you?

[Julie]

I am in the North Shore of Massachusetts.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, wonderful. And you have a subway system there. Does your subway story take place in Boston?

[Julie]

No, it doesn't. The subway story takes place in New York. And you will find out how I landed in Massachusetts.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay, wonderful.

[Julie]

New York is where I grew up. The setting is 2005 by college, summer break, and I had gotten an internship in Manhattan. It was at a big ad agency in the big city. And it was so sexy. I was like, this is my Sex and the City summer. I really romanticized it. It was maybe a 40 minute commute. Honestly, pretty good. I had been on many trains, many subways prior to this, but I had never done the work commute. The work commute is different than other times on the subway.

[Dax Shepard]

Tell me how. I've only ridden it as a hobbyist.

[Julie]

There's so many more people. They're really in a rush and they're angry and you're pushing to get into that train no matter what. They're like shoulder to shoulder, packed. It smells. It was a heat wave. And we were having a stint of hundred degree days. It's like walking through a mouth. Oh, disgusting.

[Dax Shepard]

Great analogy.

[Julie]

I'm on my way home. I've had it. Like, I do not want to get on a train and like touch shoulders with people. I have to give a little caveat that during these heat waves, the city would shut down like half of the subway cars and conserve energy so that they could at least have some air conditioned cars because they weren't capable of really having electricity that powerful across the whole thing. So they would dim the lights on half of the cars and no air conditioning.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, boy.

[Julie]

Yeah. So everybody would stack into the air conditioned carts. But on this day, I said, I can't do that. I just can't take it. I have three stops. I'd rather be alone. So I get into the dim car and it's hot. And I sit down and I'm like, I'm alone. And I quickly realized I am not alone. There's this man, he looks like Charles Manson splayed out on the bench across from me. And I'm like, if I was in this guy's shoes taking naps in subways, I'd pick the air conditioned car. The first stop comes and, you know, you like, jolt. He jolts. But it's not like a napping jolt. His body doesn't reposition. Something's weird.

[Tess]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, oh, okay, okay.

[Julie]

He's either having a medical emergency or.

[Dax Shepard]

He'S dead or smacked out of his mind.

[Julie]

And I was kind of like, oh, maybe he's actively overdosing. So I creep over.

[Monica Padman]

No.

[Julie]

Yeah. What am I going to do? It's just me and him on this train.

[Monica Padman]

You're really brave.

[Julie]

I'm like, sir, hello. I'm getting the dax in me. I'm like, I'm going to save a life right now. This was big See something, say something time in New York City, 2005. Every five minutes. If you see something, say something. Now it's like, this is my time. So next stop, I get out of the train. I'm not going to stay on the train with a dead man. So I get out of the train, I write down the car number, and I write down the direction of the train and everything. And I'm like, law and order. Like, I'm solving crimes. I'm looking for a police officer. No one to be found. All right, well, I got to get to Penn Station. I know there'll be a police officer at the top of the escalator by Penn Station in his little, like, kiosk so I'm running 100 degrees and I'm like, if he's not dead, I'm saving his life. I get there and I'm like, officer, I'm pretty sure there's a dead man on this train. We gotta do something. He takes the paper from me and he's like, oh, yeah, we know about this. We're gonna get him at the end of the line. No, why'd you go in that car?

[Dax Shepard]

Wait, they know about it. They're gonna grab him at the end. Is that closer to.

[Julie]

He was dead.

[Dax Shepard]

He was dead.

[Julie]

They didn't want to disturb the transit.

[Monica Padman]

Why didn't they at least put something on the door saying like, don't come in here.

[Dax Shepard]

Dead person inside.

[Julie]

They're like, what idiot goes in the UN air conditioned car?

[Monica Padman]

Oh, this is so New York City.

[Dax Shepard]

They're like, you deserve it. If you're gonna try to ride in that hot car. You're gonna be with some dead bodies and that's on you.

[Julie]

That's what it was sent to me, basically. He was like, why'd you go in there? It was that moment, top of that escalator. I was like, oh, fuck this. I'm not moving to New York after college. I'm going to Boston. Y. Yeah, I've been turned back.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow. Wow. How old was this deceased person?

[Julie]

He was like, probably in his 30s.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, that's so young. Did he look like. What's that phrase? Like, worse for wear? Apart from being dead for sure.

[Dax Shepard]

What does worse for wear mean?

[Monica Padman]

It means you look bad.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. They say that instead of you look bad is a euphemism.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, it's like a nice way. Like if you came in and you look disheveled, really tired, really unlike you, I'd be like, oh, you're looking a little worse for wear.

[Dax Shepard]

God, I really can't wait to look that up.

[Monica Padman]

Understand that's the phrase, right?

[Julie]

I would be so much more offended if you said worse for wear than you're not looking good.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, yeah, but would you, like, you look bad or worse for wear?

[Dax Shepard]

This is where all your own identity comes in. Like, if you said you looked bad, I kind of think that was cool, maybe.

[Kristen]

Really?

[Dax Shepard]

Just a little bit. You're saying I normally look good, so there's like a compliment within there.

[Monica Padman]

No, no, no, no. You look worse than you normally do is different than you look bad.

[Julie]

Right. Because you're normal. Could be bad. Exactly.

[Dax Shepard]

But. But you look worse than you normally do. Says you look worse always. And it's more Than that.

[Monica Padman]

I'm back to worse for wear. I think that's Rob.

[Dax Shepard]

Is that a saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Connor]

Tired or in poor condition because of.

[Dax Shepard]

A lot of work or youth. But origins, 16th century, described objects or.

[Connor]

Situations that had deteriorated due to use.

[Julie]

Oh. Because they were worn out. So if something was, like, pulled on too much, it would be worse for wear.

[Dax Shepard]

Worse from where? That makes sense.

[Monica Padman]

But it was from 16th century, so probably they didn't have.

[Dax Shepard]

They said for instead of from. Okay. Worse from where I would get it immediately. Yeah, that makes sense. But it's worse from wear and tear.

[Monica Padman]

You're just so young.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm so literal.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

And if you had a lovely life in Massachusetts, are you happy that you were driven there?

[Julie]

The North Shore of Massachusetts is one of the loves of my life.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, good.

[Julie]

I am so appreciative to have the opportunity to live here. I can't speak more highly of it. We're close to the beach. We're close to New Hampshire. We're close to Maine. Close to Boston. Shout out to Boxford.

[Monica Padman]

Shout out.

[Dax Shepard]

Shout out Boxford. Well, Julie, it's a delight to meet you.

[Julie]

Thank you guys so much.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, take care.

[Monica Padman]

Bye.

[Dax Shepard]

Hello.

[Connor]

Hello. Hello.

[Dax Shepard]

Hi.

[Monica Padman]

We couldn't see you for a second.

[Dax Shepard]

It was voice first, then face, and I got scared. It's scary if someone just wants their voice. We've only had that once, but it scared us.

[Connor]

That's very anonymous of them.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. They could be naked during the conversation, pleasing themselves. You just kind of want to see. Where are you, Connor?

[Connor]

I am just south of Salt Lake City in a little town called Cedar Hills.

[Dax Shepard]

And did you grow up there?

[Connor]

No, I actually grew up in Las Vegas.

[Kristen]

Ooh.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Neither places have subways, so I'm excited to find out how you found yourself on a subway.

[Connor]

I served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of latter Day Saints in 20002010 in Mexico City.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay, interesting. Now, really quick. All young men, right? In the Mormon Church, they all go between 18 and 20 on mission, mostly. Are you just assigned the city like you're getting deployed? You don't have any say in it, do you?

[Connor]

You submit your application, and then it comes back with your assignment.

[Dax Shepard]

And were other friends getting, like, Acapulco, Berlin.

[Monica Padman]

Whoa. Those are not the same, right?

[Dax Shepard]

No, those are different.

[Monica Padman]

I know.

[Dax Shepard]

One's a beach holiday. One's like a historic city.

[Monica Padman]

Right. Those are just two really random place.

[Dax Shepard]

I was trying to do opposite fun things. I thought I did a good job, actually. Most people would have said Acapulco. And then we got stuck on a beach theme and then done another one. Okay, so was that happening at all? Were like friends getting rad destinations?

[Connor]

Yeah, I had a friend go to Tahiti, so everybody was jealous of him. But then some people go to, like.

[Dax Shepard]

Boise, so I would have been pumped on Mexico City.

[Connor]

I definitely fell in love with the city while I was there. It's a big place. I remember flying into the city and being like, I'm never going to find my way out of here.

[Dax Shepard]

And they have a subway.

[Connor]

They call it El Metro. It's huge. It's like the 11th busiest one in the world. Over a writers every year. I already fact checked that. Monica, you don't have to.

[Monica Padman]

Thank you. I appreciate that. Okay, so what happened?

[Connor]

We ended up using it a lot. Especially when you're serving in the city. When you go on a mission, you live as a local. You go on your own dime. You get assigned a companion. These companions change from time to time. But you're just living with the people, you're serving them. Yes. Your main goal is to teach about the church and about Jesus, but you're really there as a service to the area. I helped people do construction, fix their cars. There's a lot of things that we did while we were there that wasn't just proselytizing. And so while I'm there, we don't have a car. I'm living with other locals. Usually most of my companions were from Mexico. And so we just got really good at walking and taking public transportation. We saw a lot of things in this public transportation got robbed a couple of times. It was a lot of fun.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, great. I don't want to offend you, but I will say if I see some Mormon kids on mission, that seems like an easy target.

[Connor]

It's funny, because you're the most recognizable people in the world. Two guys in shirts and ties outside, standing next to each other.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. So you are dressed specifically. Okay.

[Connor]

The least local thing about us is the way that we dress and the way that we act. But other than that, we're learning the language, we're eating the food, we're living together. I mean, you have to be with your companion 247 too. Like in the rule book, it says sleep in the same room, don't sleep in the same bed. I don't know why they need to make that distinction, but for sure.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, someone might.

[Monica Padman]

Fan. Yeah, you gotta be clear. You never know.

[Connor]

Missionaries like to get together for activities more than just the two of us. Because we kind of get sick of just the one companion. This week, we plan an activity to go to the pyramids. Teotihuacan, if you've ever heard of those. Those are awesome. We have to get from inner city to outer city so that we can get the bus that then takes us to the pyramids on the metro. That day we decided to leave early in the morning. It was rush hour. Everybody was going to work. It was a Monday. It was packed. You're normally just walking down the stairs, getting towards the edge of the train, waiting for it to arrive so you can walk onto the train. We had to wait on the stairs before we could get down to the platform to move through the platform to the edge train. After trains come in, they come every five to 10 minutes, but every single one of them is just packed full. Only a couple of people can get on it.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, boy.

[Connor]

Yeah. I've even seen people crowd surf or, like, jump out of the windows to try and get out of the train.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Connor]

There's just no space. It's like trying to fit seven of your friends in the backseat of your 81 Honda Civic.

[Dax Shepard]

I got it. Deep cut.

[Connor]

I'm getting sick of waiting. It's been an hour that we're just seeing trains come full, and just the next one keeps coming. And so I am trying to act like a local. And people will eventually push themselves in to fill up the Sarndine can even more. And so I decided that this was my train. I was going to get on it no matter what. I put my back to the train and started backing up. I'm like a foot taller than almost everybody there, so people are just kind of parting the sea as I come in. I did have to check one guy that wanted to hold the line but can't leave my companion. So I'm grabbing his backpack straps and pulling him with me as I back onto the train. But I end up birthing enough space that a couple of the other missionaries can jump on as well. So half of us get on the train. It is is a can of sardines. Me and 500 of my new best friends are all butt to butt, just smelling each other. And it's summer. It's warm. These are not electric trains either. They're rubber tires. They're diesel engines. It's hot.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Connor]

And so as we shuffle to try and, like, find where we're gonna stand for the next couple hours, I notice people in the corners have, like, fallen asleep standing up, but they're not falling over because there's just so many people. My companion is pressed up against my chest and he actually falls asleep and I feel him slump and slide down about 2 inches. But then the sheer force of people just keeps them up.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, how long are you guys on this train? Why are people falling asleep so fast?

[Dax Shepard]

Look, I was in a car with no traffic when we left the city and it was like a 45 minute drive going 60.

[Connor]

I noticed that I can't see one of the missionaries that came with us. And I'm just thinking like, that's weird because we're supposed to stick together. And I notice a hand just kind of like sticking up out of the crowd. And I knew it was his hand because he had the watch on for a couple of seconds. I'm trying to like see him, trying to look over people, but there's just too many people. I can't see anything. And so I end up shake up my companion, move him out of the way and I reach over and I give him like a high five. Like, hey, give me a thumbs up if everything's good, right? And his hand just like flops over to the other side.

[Monica Padman]

Oh no.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh no, we're losing him.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, this is so scary.

[Dax Shepard]

We are supported by Squarespace. Whether you're just starting out or scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to create a professional website, grow your brand and get paid all in one place. Our website functions beautifully, so seamless, like a Swiss made timepiece. And it was all designed on Squarespace by Wabi Wob and it was easy. The cutting edge design tools on Squarespace are a game changer with blueprint AI, their AI enhanced website builder, you can create a fully custom site in just a few steps. It generates premium content and personalized design recommendations based on your brand and goals. Plus their intuitive drag and drop editor makes it easy to fine tune everything to your liking. But Squarespace isn't just about looks. Their integrated SEO tools help you get discovered faster online. Every Squarespace site is optimized with meta descriptions, an auto generated sitemap and more. So you show up more often in search results and attract your ideal customers ready to claim your corner of the Internet. Go to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code DAX to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com and promo code DAX to get started. Today we are supported by Smallwood Home. Smallwoodhome.com turns your favorite photos into gallery quality framed prints or wrapped canvases all handcrafted in the usa, shipped in days and priced to make your whole home smile. Rob just got me the most gorgeous small wood framed photo of my Papa Bob which is now hanging in the Nashville studio and it turned out absolutely gorgeous. How many amazing pictures do you have just sitting on your phone wasting away into the cloud? Take those memories and put them on display in the real world. Having something on the wall that's personal and not just a designy print you picked up at the store can make a space feel truly yours and we love that. Small wood Home is a small business that takes their time to craft every single piece right here in the US. No assembly lines or robots involved. Join the over 3 million happy customers who have made their house into a home with Smallwood Home right now. Get 30% off when you use code [e-mail] that's promo code DAX to get 30% off your first order at smallwoodhome.com Give your memories the showcase they deserve. We are supported by Function Health. Function is the only health platform that gives you access to the kind of data most people never see and the insights to actually take action. Inside function, you can test over 160 biomarkers from heart and hormones to toxins, inflammation and stress. You can also access multi region MRI and CT scans, all tracked in one secure place over time. It's a near 360 degree view to see what's happening in your body. And since it's tracked over time, you can see how your health is evolving from one easy portal. It's designed to empower you to own your health through unbiased data. Getting all these stats could cost over $10,000 if you did on your own. With Function, you pay just $4.99 a year. That's $1.37 per day for cutting edge health insights. And when it comes down to it, what's more important than your health? Learn more and join using our link. Visit www.functionhealth.com.

[Connor]

So he was not as big as I was. He was probably similar size to everybody else, but he was a very timid guy. So I think that what happened was as people shuffled around, he kind of just kept giving everyone the space that they needed and deferring to them and eventually he ended up under people.

[Dax Shepard]

No. Oh, I'm getting claustrophobic thinking of this.

[Connor]

I then alert the rest of us like hey, this guy's not okay. Something's going on. So we try moving people. There's not Of a lot. Lot of purchase to move people. We end up having to, like, grab his arm and pull up and just, like, a limp body just starts to come out of the crowd. Oh, we got him closer to the small slide windows. Think of like a school bus where the window slides down. Try to get some fresh air into his face. But we're in an underground tunnel.

[Dax Shepard]

Are you getting fresh diesel exhaust in his face?

[Connor]

Exactly. And so he's almost blue. He's drooling, eyes rolled back into the back of his head.

[Monica Padman]

This is very.

[Dax Shepard]

Are you thinking, like, we gotta get off at the next stop, or are you like, we're going all the way? We fought too hard to get on.

[Connor]

I was thinking two things. One priority is him. Like, let's make sure he's okay. But also, there's not gonna be much we can do for him even if we get off the train. I was just like, let's hold him up. Let's get him on top of the pile. Let's just make sure that he has, like, the space to breathe. And before even the next stop, really, he started to come around. At first, it sounded like he was drunk, even though I knew he wasn't.

[Julie]

Right.

[Connor]

We're missionaries.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Connor]

He did eventually come around to thinking it was a little bit funny. But he had, like, the worst headache for the rest of the day because it was a good 30 seconds, probably, where he just completely stopped breathing because the weight of all those people on top of him. He doesn't remember anything other than getting on the train.

[Monica Padman]

Were they standing on him?

[Connor]

He got pinched between people in the seats. And so when you're in that situation, you're just moving with the train. You don't really have a lot of say in what's happening.

[Dax Shepard]

Could you imagine just be standing there and you realize, like, oh, yeah, I'm kind of standing on this human that's crumpled. I'm just gonna kind of ignore that because we're all trying to survive.

[Monica Padman]

They probably can't even feel it, though, because if there's so many people, you're not even aware of what's what.

[Connor]

And there's bags. People have bags all the time filled with, like, things coming from the market or going to work.

[Monica Padman]

That's wild. I'm glad he's okay. That would really scare me. Was the rest of the train scared once he was blue and stuff?

[Connor]

About half of the train couldn't even see us. Didn't even know what was going on. And the other half, I have to say, they were a little Bit concerned because they did kind of try to get out of our way once they knew this, like, an emergency was happening. They know that it happens. It's a daily occurrence for most people. Even the first and last trains are, like, reserved only for women and children. They do a lot of things to try and help, but when you have a station where a million people go through it every single day, not much you can do.

[Monica Padman]

Wow, that's wild.

[Dax Shepard]

Now, my full knowledge of mission is I tried to leave Salt Lake City and blew the rear end on my Mustang and was stuck there for, like, three days. And then I was talking to the dude at the mechanic shop and I learned a bunch. Then I saw Book of Mormon. There's probably some kernels of reality. And then I saw this thing called Jackie did it. What was it called? It's called, like, Mortified or something. People would tell these crazy stories that happened in real life. Do you remember that thing?

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. It's a show where people would tell stories.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Y. And as I recall, is this part real where there is kind of a scoreboard? Are you keeping track of how many people you have converted?

[Connor]

I would say it's more like sales, where you're keeping track of your activity. Because they don't want people just going on vacation for two years.

[Dax Shepard]

People do, sure. Dax Shepard types.

[Connor]

I definitely had six months where I don't remember much.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, when you leave, do you have, like, a total of how many folks you did convert?

[Connor]

Oh, man, this is such a loaded question. In my opinion. I can't speak for everybody. I was more focused on families that we helped get in a better situation. In my mind, my running total is just the five or six families that I know. I could show up at their doorstep even now, 15 years later and say, hey, I'm here to visit. And they would welcome me as one of their sons.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was not trying to be disparaging. All that was the lead up to. Did you ever get competitive?

[Connor]

Yeah, Especially mission to mission. That's where the competitive nature comes in. Cause it's like me and my hundred brothers, we're competing against the mission next door.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay. Oh, okay.

[Monica Padman]

I like that better.

[Dax Shepard]

Team sport. Yeah. Team sport. Yeah. Well, Connor, it's delightful to meet you. Your vocabulary's off the charts. You said three words. I bet you could meet a thousand people. You'll never hear them say, you said purchase. You used it perfectly. It's impressive when someone can grab purchase like that.

[Monica Padman]

You say purchase a fair amount.

[Dax Shepard]

It's pretty good vocabulary. I stole it from raising Arizona, where his seed could not find purchase in her womb. And then two other really great words. Now they're escaping my mind. But you threw in a few. That they were the perfect word for that moment.

[Connor]

I was proud of the word birthed.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. That was one of the three birds. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

[Monica Padman]

Remember it?

[Dax Shepard]

He was backing himself up and he birthed his.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, yes, that's right. That was good.

[Dax Shepard]

Wasn't that good? I was titillated through most of the story just from the wordplay.

[Monica Padman]

Titillated. Also a great word.

[Dax Shepard]

Thank you. It's pretty common, though it's not as good as Connor's.

[Monica Padman]

We're going to find a way to incorporate birthed into one of the next two stories.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, that's. That'll be fun game. That's our mission.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Ding, ding, ding.

[Monica Padman]

Thanks for chatting with us.

[Connor]

Yeah, thanks for having us. Having me.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, take care.

[Monica Padman]

Thank you.

[Kristen]

Hello.

[Dax Shepard]

What fun headphones you have on? Look at this design.

[Kristen]

My husband is a gamer, so he let me use his space. So I'm not in a closet. I'm in our dungeon of a basement.

[Monica Padman]

Sounds amazing.

[Kristen]

Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

So gamers, they want to have that good audio.

[Kristen]

Well, he does something on Discord. I don't really understand it. He retreats to the basement, and I get to watch my shows in peace upstairs.

[Monica Padman]

I want some pretty headphones like that. Those are very cool. It's like a headband.

[Kristen]

It's a headband that goes across. I ordered it from Amazon from him for Christmas.

[Dax Shepard]

You should sniff around Amazon.

[Monica Padman]

I might.

[Dax Shepard]

And where are you in Canada?

[Kristen]

In Southern Ontario.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, is this gonna be a Toronto subway story?

[Kristen]

It is not a Toronto subway story. It is a Paris subway story.

[Dax Shepard]

What do they call that? The tube? No, that's London.

[Kristen]

Le Met Metro.

[Dax Shepard]

What were you doing in Paris?

[Kristen]

It was many, many years ago. I studied abroad for a year in France. And we would, on weekends, take little trips here and there, and we would take the train wherever we needed to go. And this particular weekend, four girls in total went.

[Dax Shepard]

Kristen, can I interrupt you for one second and ask what year this was?

[Kristen]

I am your Kristen's birthday. Twenty twin.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, how fun.

[Kristen]

We have same date.

[Dax Shepard]

No. July 18, 1980.

[Kristen]

And I was named Kristen as well.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my Lord.

[Kristen]

It was my third year of university, so it was 2001.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Sorry for that deviation. We have Amanda Knox coming up. I got curious, like, if you, Monica, you were doing study abroad with three gals in France and you learned of this Amanda Knox thing, would you be Overly concerned you were going to get tried for murder?

[Monica Padman]

I was.

[Dax Shepard]

You were there in 07? Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

And I studied abroad twice during that time.

[Dax Shepard]

And did you have any thoughts?

[Monica Padman]

Didn't even think about it. And I'm the type to think about it, but I didn't.

[Kristen]

So this would have been probably five, six years before that. But while it was happening, I'm like, oh, that could have easily been.

[Dax Shepard]

Right, right, right, right, right. Okay, so four gals are going to take LA Metro.

[Kristen]

So four of us decide to go into Paris for the weekend. We take the train in in the morning. We spend the entire day going to cafes, going and checking out, shopping. It's starting to get darker. And later at night, we decide we want to go see the Eiffel Tower. It's bustling with people, so it was very joyous and not a care in a world. And we're in our very early 20s. And between 10 and 11pm we decide that it's time to go back to the hotel and we need to take the metro to get to the hotel. We leave the hustle and the bustle of the street, and immediately when you start to descend the steps into the metro, it's like the noise cuts out. You get like a colder, somber feeling. The smell of wet concrete is what you're getting when you're walking down the stairs. We single file go down the stairs. Sarah, one of the girls, is at the front, and I am at the end of the single file. We get to the bottom, and the subway is already there. And there's a few people, but not many. And the doors are starting to open, so we're running, and from behind me, I feel something. And I hear a very close in my ear, and I feel pressure on my back. And I just pick up the pace and I run super fast into the metro. And I get in and the girls look at me and they're like, what's wrong? And I utter the words, but penis. And I turned around. We all look out as the doors are closing. And there is a man who has his penis in his hands.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh. Oh.

[Kristen]

Pleasuring himself. Who had come up behind me and pressed himself against my back.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, you felt the penis on your back. That's how you knew. And he made a Slurpee noise in my ear.

[Kristen]

Like that's how close he was behind me.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, the unmistakable feeling of a penis in your back. Oh. Can I ask the age of this? I'm not gonna say gentleman.

[Kristen]

This attacker, he was probably mid-20s. Like he was probably around our age. He had crazy curly hair. I remember the look in his eyes. And licked his lips. As the subway is pulling out. Sarah says, what do you mean he put his penis on your back? And I turn around and he had left a little gift for me.

[Monica Padman]

Stop it.

[Kristen]

Up the back of my jacket he sprayed on you.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Monica Padman]

This is.

[Dax Shepard]

I love your attitude by the way too.

[Monica Padman]

Because this is truly an assault and it's disturbing.

[Kristen]

We can't believe that just happened. We start laughing hysterically.

[Tess]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Cause what else is there to do?

[Kristen]

We're pulling away from the subway station. Like it's not like I'm gonna jump out and say anything. The jacket is gone. I disposed of that before we went anywh. It gave me an excuse to go shopping.

[Monica Padman]

Silver lining.

[Dax Shepard]

Thank God you weren't in like a backless dress or something where you had to wear it. Well, just where you'd feel it on.

[Monica Padman]

Your skin and you could just toss it immediately.

[Dax Shepard]

Just get it away from you.

[Monica Padman]

Ew, that is so disturbing.

[Kristen]

It was.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm trying to put together the timeline for him. He'd have to be close to the edge when he spotted. This all happened so quick. Right. Like from the time you entered the staircase case until you ran onto the metro. How much time was that?

[Kristen]

30, 40 seconds. He came from behind me right away.

[Monica Padman]

He must have already been in there.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. He must have been in the shadows edging.

[Kristen]

He could have been just waiting at the bottom of the staircase. Cuz there's people like hanging around and stuff like that you don't know. And you just could turn around and then.

[Julie]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

But yeah, we saw it in everything in his hand.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow, wow, wow.

[Monica Padman]

And ew. This is such a perversion. It's exhibitionist ish. I guess.

[Tess]

Guess.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, it feels like a couple things. I think the people that rub up against people in public are called pederus. Maybe like that's its own condition. Then you've got flashers. Right. And that's one thing they want to see the look on your face as you're scared. This feels like a mashup.

[Monica Padman]

Oh my God.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh boy.

[Monica Padman]

I'm so sorry that happened to you.

[Kristen]

It was a very long time ago. I've been waiting for one of your prompts to be birth stories. So I'm like, oh one, they have the birth story prompt. I'm going to tell my birth story of my first daughter. But then I'm going through. And the other night I'm sitting in bed and I see the prompt for subway and I'm like, wait, I Do have a subway story from a long time ago.

[Dax Shepard]

Holy wow. I can't believe he sprayed. It's like one. It's one thing to see a guy jerking off, right? That almost feels standard. I feel like once in your life you're gonna see a person that came.

[Monica Padman]

Up against you and slurped in your ear that bumped against you.

[Dax Shepard]

Have you ever seen a guy jerking off in public? Mind Monica?

[Monica Padman]

Probably on the street. It's not memorable, so maybe not.

[Kristen]

I've never seen it happen again.

[Dax Shepard]

Wowzers, wowzers, wowzers.

[Monica Padman]

I'm really sorry, but I'm also glad we got to hear that story. This could have also gone into the cautionary tale story. It's like, don't go anywhere.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, that would be the headline of that. Well, Kristen, thank you for telling us that. That was literally juicy.

[Kristen]

Thank you for having me.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, take care.

[Kristen]

Bye.

[Dax Shepard]

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[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

So I had gone to the airport. I was in Venice before them for a day or two. Then I went to the airport, took the train there, and waiting for them to get off. And only Dean gets off. And I'm like, where's Aaron? And he's like, I have no idea. The last time I saw him, he was asleep and the train was leaving the station. Mind you, this 2000s, we don't have cell phones, nothing. Like, my entire budget for this 10 day trip was like $300 or something, right? So Dean and I go to the hospital hostel. We start calling our girlfriends at home, thinking someone will call someone's girl, like the girlfriends will sort this out. And we thought, oh, he'll be on the next flight from Amsterdam. We'll just go to that flight. He'll figure it out. He was not on that flight. Then we came back for another flight later in the afternoon. He was not on that flight. We walk back to our hostel now we're pretty worried. What country is Aaron in? And we get back to our hostel and Aaron is sitting on the ground, leaned up against the fucking brick of the hostel with a paper bag, and he's drinking a fifth of Jagermeister. And he somehow got there and he was on a flight that didn't even originate in Amsterdam. I think they put him through a different city, which is why we never were at the right flight.

[Monica Padman]

Right. Oh, my.

[Dax Shepard]

And then he threw up all over my roommate's bed.

[Monica Padman]

Right?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Shortly thereafter.

[Monica Padman]

Wow, what a life.

[Dax Shepard]

That's a good train story, right?

[Monica Padman]

Hello.

[Dax Shepard]

Hi, Tess.

[Monica Padman]

Your hair is beautiful.

[Tess]

Thank you so much. I posted a selfie today that I was having a really good hair day. So I'm glad that you guys get to see it.

[Dax Shepard]

Is the humidity right where you're at or what's causing the great hair day?

[Tess]

Curls. You don't really ever know what's gonna happen. I took a nap right after I washed it today, so maybe that is.

[Dax Shepard]

Why when my hair was long, that was my move, is to go to bed with my hair just a little damp and I'd wake up and had all kinds of body. I love that.

[Tess]

Exactly.

[Dax Shepard]

Very fun to have a playful hair day.

[Monica Padman]

It is.

[Dax Shepard]

Where are you at, Tess?

[Tess]

I'm currently in Paris. Oh, I know. I was on a little trip with my mom. My friend Lives here and is out of town and offered her apart for me to watch her cat for 10 days.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wonderful. How fun.

[Tess]

I live in Brooklyn though.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. So did the subway story occur on this trip?

[Tess]

It just occurred in my normal life.

[Monica Padman]

Right in Brooklyn, in Manhattan.

[Tess]

So I've lived in New York for seven years, so I feel like I know the rules, the social mores of subway life. I had to run into the office two years ago on a Friday because I had forgotten a pair of very expensive shoes there that I needed to return. Like I'd brought them the day before because they had to be returned at FedEx and I forgot to return them. So I was working from home and I had to go into the office. So I was already like kind of annoyed. It was a New York late October day where I was ready to stunt in my fall outfit. So I was wearing a really cute pair of black cargo wide leg jeans, the brand aigold. But I had rented them from this rental clothing subscription called Nuuly.

[Monica Padman]

Oh yeah.

[Tess]

So you can rent like six pieces of clothes a month from a bunch of different brands, brands. I was stunting in those.

[Monica Padman]

Stunting is a new. I don't know that.

[Dax Shepard]

But you do. You can figure it out. It's like floss and looking good, strong.

[Monica Padman]

Right? I can use context because. But I'm just saying it's new. I've never heard or used that. I want to use it.

[Tess]

You're gonna be very cool when you use it later. Or maybe I'm gonna be embarrassed by all my Gen Z cousins.

[Dax Shepard]

Just saw her Saturday at a birthday party and she was full stunt.

[Monica Padman]

I'm birthing space for stunting.

[Dax Shepard]

Great. Really good.

[Tess]

So I. I was wearing a sweater vest. I felt very cute. It was unfortunately not a weather appropriate outfit. I was sweaty on top of like running around trying to find a store. It was just an all around bad afternoon. I finally found somewhere to return the shoes and instead of walking a little further to the 14th Street Union Square subway station, I hopped on at like 28th street just so I could like connect with these very noise canceling headphones on. I was listening to 1989 Taylor's version. It had just come out. The errand was done. I had a Halloween party that night. Things are turning around, so I go down the stairs. I hop on the W train, which if you are familiar with New York, it goes basically to Queens and then to South Brooklyn. I don't live in South Brooklyn. I live in central Brooklyn. It's on a train that I'm Ever on. The only reason I was on it was so that I could switch to the queue, which is my train. So I hop on the train, everything's happy. The train is pretty full. And I sit down. I realize immediately that I had sat in a human pile of shit.

[Monica Padman]

No, no, in your ankles that are.

[Dax Shepard]

Rented now really quick. You could tell because you sat down, and all of a sudden it was soft. You're expecting that hard plastic.

[Monica Padman]

Did it make a sound?

[Tess]

I don't know. Cause I had my headphones on. It just felt wet on my ass. My stomach just dropped. I was like, oh, my. Oh, my fucking God. Like, what did I just do? And so I stand up and I whip my headphones off, and I, like, look around to the people around me, because there are people on the train. And this is one of those social mores where, like, if there's shit on a train, it's empty. It's not uncommon to find shit on a New York City subway.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, you're saying generally the move is, when there's a dump in a train car, everyone just goes to another car and the whole car is empty. Not that seat. Because I would say that's savage. If the rule in New York is simply everyone stays, but you just don't sit in that seat.

[Tess]

Every New Yorker I've told this to has been like, I can't believe people are on that train. Like, it is just not what you do. There's a man sitting directly across from the shit. It's like a corner seat. He's sitting directly across it. So I whip my headphones off, and I look at him, and I'm like, why didn't you tell me?

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, yeah.

[Tess]

And he was like, I'm sorry. And then another person whispered at me, is like, I'm so sorry. And I'm like, that doesn't help me. I'm like, point out my shit.

[Dax Shepard]

I hate to do this to you, but when you stood up and you turned around to confirm that it was shit, what kind of shit are we talking about? Was it a soft serve?

[Tess]

I anticipated you asking this. It was a puddle of soupy brown shit.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, it was diarrhea. It was diarrhea. Wow. Fuck. So when you said it, probably flash.

[Monica Padman]

How much?

[Tess]

A big amount.

[Dax Shepard]

Let's put it this way. No one ever has to like, oh, I got a diarrhea. A tiny bit. If you got a. In public, like, you were holding it and you got a lot of diarrhea, right? No one' of, like, a thimble.

[Tess]

It was not A shark.

[Dax Shepard]

It was a full year.

[Monica Padman]

Almost as if they pulled their.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, they had to.

[Monica Padman]

They did.

[Dax Shepard]

Of course. You can't leave a puddle of shit through your pants.

[Tess]

I hopped off at the next stop because I just was overwhelmed and I was crying, but I was also, like, laughing because it was just like an overwhelmingly hilarious and disgusting situation. It's so intense. Two girls in, like, really cute clothes come to get on my train and I go, do not get on this train. There is shit on this train. I go into the vestibule area and I'm sobbing and crying. I try to call a friend who lives close so, like, maybe she could bring me clothes. Like, I'm just trying to figure out, like, how to get home. I'm still really far from home.

[Dax Shepard]

Do you have any additional garments? Like, do you have anything that you can take off and tie around your waist?

[Tess]

No, because I was wearing like a cute short sleeve white T shirt, sort of like what Monica's wearing, and then a white, creamy sweater vest.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God, So cute.

[Dax Shepard]

Why can't you take this sweater vest off?

[Tess]

There are no sweater sleeves. I couldn't tie it. That was like my head and I didn't want to ruin it. I liked it.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, of course.

[Dax Shepard]

You already up this one. Yeah, okay.

[Monica Padman]

Exactly. Also, did you consider calling 91 1?

[Dax Shepard]

What?

[Tess]

That's a great question. Help. I should have. Help me, please.

[Dax Shepard]

I guarantee you, in the annals of 911 recorded calls, there are people calling. And even if they themselves, maybe even.

[Monica Padman]

Like, I don't think. Please come restart.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm fucked up. I'm sorry.

[Tess]

So that's sort of what I called my mom, who lives in St. Louis, Missouri. So I called her and I was like, what do I do? And she couldn't hear me because I was crying and laughing and the trains are coming through and she just texted me, like, go to a store. So I ran up the stairs. I'm on fifth Ave, which is one of the most iconic shopping streets in the world. I'm running through 5th Ave. With my hands in the air because. Because I sat in shit and I'm screaming to people like a crazy person.

[Dax Shepard]

Like, I said, oh, my God.

[Monica Padman]

Do you think people thought you were on drugs probably because, like, you had shit. You're screaming.

[Dax Shepard]

I think people were like, that's her.

[Monica Padman]

Exactly. Yeah, I know.

[Tess]

And I was really trying really hard to, like, point and be like, there's no way that this could be my shit. Like, look where it's at. It's on the outfit. My jeans one time you told me.

[Monica Padman]

A story that you saw someone with all over their pants at the cvs.

[Dax Shepard]

But it had bled through. It wasn't like, chunks on the outside. It was workout pants and it had bled.

[Monica Padman]

You can tell it bled.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, Sorry. I have one more question you're not going to like, but we've avoided this thus far. Were you smelling it?

[Tess]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, I thought I had a hunch.

[Tess]

That's another reason why I'm like, I'm just so surprised by the people on the train because they were sitting with a smelly pile of shit at this point.

[Monica Padman]

Can you feel it on your body? Are you like, it's soaked into my butt?

[Tess]

Yes. I was feeling stamp. So a long time ago, I used to work at Lululemon, the athletic clothing brand, and when I hopped out of the subway, I saw the, like, stylized Omega sign. I was like, oh, my God. I know the girls at Lululemon are going to help. Those people have dealt with a lot. I used to deal with a lot.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tess]

So I run in and I, like, run straight to the nearest. We call them educators at Lululemon. They're not associates, they're educators. And I'm waving at her, and she is with a customer, and. And she, like, looks at me like, oh, what the fuck is going on? And she goes, are you okay? And I'm like, yeah, I just sat in shit on the subway. Like, I need new pants right now. And so she sends me over to the pant wall. So I go to the pants wall. I'm like, give me a size 6 and any black legging. Don't care. Just give it to me now. I try to get a dressing room, and every dressing room's full, and I'm still freaking out. And I'm like, I sat in shit. I need to change right now. And another customer is like, would you like to sit down so you can calm down on. I'm like, no, I don't want to sit. Do you see what's on my person?

[Monica Padman]

Like, no.

[Tess]

So I finally change into the leggings, ever so delicately. If I don't get any of the onto my body, they gave me a Lululemon bag so I could put it in the bag. And then I go to check out with the security tag still on me. I had to, like, jump up onto the counter so they could remove the security tag. The very kind people at the Flat Iron Lululemon did give you me a 75 off. They called it the UDA Satin Human Discount.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow, that's nice. That's nice. The educators are nice.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, it's a good company.

[Tess]

They were really nice. And then I took my bag of jeans, and as you remember, I rented these jeans, and I couldn't just throw them away because if I had thrown them away, I'd be charged, like 220. They're expensive.

[Julie]

Brand.

[Tess]

Brand. So I just, like, had my jeans in my new leggings. My outfit was no longer cute because it looked dumb that I was wearing leggings. The cute sweater vest. And I went home. I grabbed my laundry detergent. I went to my laundromat. I threw my jeans into the laundromat with some laundry detergent and sat there. And then I returned them the next day. I was like, I have to get those out of my.

[Monica Padman]

So somebody else is currently wearing them.

[Dax Shepard]

Previously now, did you consider just reaching.

[Monica Padman]

Out to Nuuly and say, like, hey, this is what happened. We gotta throw these.

[Dax Shepard]

Is that what you would have done?

[Monica Padman]

I think so. I think so.

[Dax Shepard]

I would have done what you did.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

How long ago was that?

[Tess]

That was October 28, 2023. I'll never forget the date. I didn't, like, sit down on the subway for months after. I got a lot of shame for not looking before I sat.

[Dax Shepard]

When music's so powerful and enveloping, one has to remind themselves to still look around.

[Monica Padman]

That's really true. Cautionary tale.

[Dax Shepard]

Yet again, so many lessons were learned on this subway episode.

[Monica Padman]

Thanks so much for sharing that.

[Tess]

Thank you so much. It's so good to meet you.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, bye. Bye. Oh, I'm so glad we got some pooty.

[Connor]

Some poo poo.

[Julie]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

When all these kids are listening to this show, I wonder what they're learning. You know, they're learning about jello leg. They're learning about masturbation. While I'll tell you what they're learning.

[Dax Shepard]

They'Re learning the reality of the planet they live on. I think that's the service we provide. She's like, these aren't the stories people come right out with when you meet them. And you're inclined to think that everything's honky dory. But then you dig a little deeper. It's like, no, everyone's been sprayed on or sat and. Or, you know, all the things that are happening.

[Monica Padman]

It's a messy business.

[Dax Shepard]

They're coming hot and fast. All right. Love you.

[Monica Padman]

Love you.

[Connor]

Do you want to sing a tune or something? We know a theme song.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay, great. We don't have a song for this new show, so here I go. Go. Go. We're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of armchairs, we'll get some suggestions on the fly rhyme dish on the fire rhyme dish. Enjoy. Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondry app, Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcast. You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short [e-mail] survey it's.

[Nick Cannon]

Your man Nick Cannon and I'm here to bring you my new podcast, Nick Cannon at Night. I've heard y' all been needing some advice in the love department, so who better to help than yours truly? Nah, I'm serious. Every week I'm bringing out some of my celebrity friends and the best experts in the business to answer your most intimate relationship questions. Having problems with your man? We got you catching feelings for your sneaky link. Let's make sure it's the real deal first. Ready to bring toys into the bedroom? Let's talk about it. Consider this a non judgment zone to ask your questions when it comes to sex and modern dating in relationships, friendships, situationships and everything, everything in between. It's gonna be sexy, freaky, messy. And you know what? You'll just have to watch the show. So don't be shy, join the conversation and head over to YouTube to watch Nick Cannon at night or subscribe on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast. Want to watch episodes early and ad free? Join Wondery right now.