Armchair Anonymous: Unauthorized Evacuation II

Summary

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Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

Episode: Armchair Anonymous: Unauthorized Evacuation II
Date: September 12, 2025

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Episode Overview

This installment of Armchair Anonymous explores “unauthorized evacuations,” a playfully euphemistic and comedic framing for stories of public incontinence and messy gastrointestinal accidents. Hosts Dax Shepard and Monica Padman, joined by recurring contributors, create a judgment-free space where listeners call in to share their most mortifying tales of unexpected bodily betrayal. As always, Dax and Monica use humor and empathy to highlight the universal messiness of being human, with each caller’s story offering both catharsis and comic relief.

The stories this round are particularly vivid and memorable, featuring accidental public defecation in the military, on a school bus, during a bartending shift, and even in the middle of a romantic date. Far from mere toilet humor, the anecdotes touch on vulnerability, resilience, and the ultimate power of embracing humiliation.

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Key Discussion Points and Caller Stories

1. Setting the Tone: Why “Unauthorized Evacuations”?

• Dax and Monica reflect on why these prompts are audience favorites—people “deliver” the goods, quite literally, and the stories never fail to elicit both laughter and empathy.
• Monica: “They're so fun. They deliver.” (00:47)
• Dax jokes about “Meet Cute” stories, and how these unauthorized evacuation tales are, in their own messy way, a kind of humanizing “meet mortified.”

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2. Doug’s Military Mishap (St. George, Utah)

Segment Start: 03:27

Story Highlights

• Doug, then stationed at Camp Johnson in Jacksonville, North Carolina, recounts a 2018 military misery: after a night devouring an “all-meat pizza” with his buddies, he wakes just in time for his early morning 7+ mile run.
• Suffering severe stomach distress, he’s denied a bathroom break mid-run. “There’s barracks around us and like office buildings, but nothing’s open. ...You’re just gonna have to hold it.” – Doug, quoting his sergeant (06:06)
• Halfway through the run, disaster strikes: “It was like a Jackson Pollock painting in brown.” – Doug (07:15)
• Humiliated, Doug tries to clean up using leaves—only later realizing it was poison oak: “It was burning... what did I wipe my ass with? ...It ended up being poison oak.” (11:38)
• The pain and embarrassment last two weeks, compounded by ongoing required morning runs.

Notable Quotes

• “I have the shirt long enough down where it covers my junk, but I’m just in my white sneakers that are now a white shade of brown... worried about everything because a base higher up could see you.” – Doug (09:05)
• Dax: “They have all these really intense tests of durability and resilience. They should add this to SEAL training.” (12:26)
• Doug: “Moral of the story is, if you order a big pizza, don't eat it and try to run the next morning.” (12:45)

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3. Mickey’s School Bus Blowout (South Texas)

Segment Start: 14:32

Story Highlights

• In junior high, on a late-night team bus ride after a basketball game and Texas fast food (Dairy Queen, Whataburger), Mickey is struck by sudden gastrointestinal distress.
• Sitting in the coveted lone back seat, she’s soon overwhelmed and can’t hold it: “It just came over me, like, literally exploded. ...It was so bad, it filled up my jeans, went up and out the back.” (18:33)
• The “tidal wave of smell” ripples up the bus—students pile to the front, and it’s clear Mickey’s the source.
• Bus driver stops at a small Walmart. Mickey is handed a too-big random uniform, told to clean up. Other girls enter the bathroom; humiliation is total.
• Her mother, informed by the bus driver, gives her “two days off” for “emotional recovery.” After return, only one peer asks about it directly, comically blunt: “Did you shit your pants on the school bus?” — “Yeah. ...I couldn’t help it.” (27:06)

Notable Quotes

• “At this point, I knew I was gonna have to make peace with my mess.” – Mickey (23:14)
• “To this day, I have never seen that much diarrhea.” – Mickey (18:58)
• “If I can survive that, I can survive anything.” – Mickey (27:53)
• Dax: “This is about as bad as it could get. ...a seventh grade school bus is really gotta be up there.” (29:31)

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4. Tony’s Elevator Emergency (Omaha, Nebraska)

Segment Start: 31:03

Story Highlights

• Tony, a bartender moonlighting to escape his “boring day job,” works a busy shift at Blue Sushi. He lives across the street.
• Suddenly hit by disastrous GI distress, he sharts behind the bar, weighs his options, and sprints to his apartment, where he’s foiled by “the slowest, rickettiest, most unpredictable elevator.” (32:39)
• While riding the elevator—“before I could get to my floor, the fifth floor is like turning on a garden hose... ran down my leg and gets in my shoe, and then ...a perfectly round puddle on the floor of the elevator.” (36:49)
• By the time he cleans himself up and returns to the elevator, the mess is already gone—cleaned by Jason, the building manager, who later posts a sign: “Whoever shat in this elevator is out of here!!!” (39:07)
• Tony quietly harbors the secret for four years until his confession on Armchair.

Notable Quotes

• Dax: “You’ve got a chicken, a fox, and a bag of grain, and you gotta cross the river and go back...” (37:48)
• Tony: “I like to think I’m not just going to shit in my own elevator and then, like, not clean it up... but I have to finish shitting.” (37:55)
• Dax: “I lived in the building for four more years after that. Just, like, harboring this secret.” (39:29)

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5. Nicole’s Date Night Disaster (Vancouver, Canada)

Segment Start: 42:24

Story Highlights

• Nicole, hosting a budding love interest (Sam) for a movie night in her bedroom, is anxious but eager for some intimacy. She’s wearing light sweats and nervous enough to barely manage a beer.
• Suddenly notices her leg is wet: assumes it’s spilled beer, but—“I try to do, like, a sniff test... and immediately am hit with ache [smell].”(45:59)
• Realizes with horror that she’s unknowingly defecated herself without any sensation—stunned, she retreats to the bathroom.
• The situation rapidly escalates: “I just unleash. And then I start vomiting all over myself, all over the floor.” (48:03)
• Sam, hearing the commotion, checks on her; ultimately, he leaves a bag with towels, sweatpants, and “a ten pack of granny panties.”
• The relationship does not survive, but a subsequent partner (now husband) is far more understanding when faced with another “couch incident.”

Notable Quotes

• “It’s like I glitter bombed the entire bathroom. ...The checker print has just given me the spins.” – Nicole (48:52)
• “I felt nothing. I don’t feel sick. I feel totally fine.” – Nicole (45:46)
• Monica: “Are you married to him now?” – On Sam’s care package (50:44)
• Nicole: “I … trusted a fart. I the couch.” (51:10)

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Notable Insights & Reflections

• Vulnerability and Growth: Callers repeatedly reference how surviving such shattering embarrassment made them stronger, and less easily shamed.
• Empathy and Shared Humanity: Both hosts and callers remind listeners that “bodies are bodies,” echoing Monica’s refrain that these stories, while gross, are “so human.”
• Resilience through Humor: Each caller’s ability to share these stories openly is celebrated. Dax repeatedly highlights that these are universal experiences.
• Relationships and Support: The care shown by Sam, and later Nicole’s husband, is noted—showing that real intimacy can survive, even thrive, in the face of the totally unglamorous.

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Memorable Quotes

• “At some point, your brain and your body can attack you. ...Our biggest enemy really is ourselves. It always is.” — Dax (41:13)
• “If I can survive that, I can survive anything.” — Mickey (27:53)

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Important Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment / Quote | |--------------|----------------------------------------------| | 03:27 | Doug’s Marine run story begins | | 07:15 | “Jackson Pollock painting in brown” | | 11:38 | “It ended up being poison oak.” | | 14:32 | Mickey’s bus ride story begins | | 18:33 | “It just came over me, like, literally exploded.” | | 23:14 | “I knew I was gonna have to make peace with my mess.” | | 27:53 | “If I can survive that, I can survive anything.” | | 31:03 | Tony’s elevator story begins | | 36:49 | “The fifth floor is like turning on a garden hose…” | | 39:07 | Jason’s sign in the elevator | | 42:24 | Nicole’s date night story begins | | 45:59 | “I try to do, like, a sniff test…” | | 48:03 | “I just unleash. And then I start vomiting…” | | 50:44 | Monica: “Are you married to him now?” | | 53:09 | Nicole: “I've never had that happen since.” |

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Closing Thoughts

This episode stands out for its honesty and humor in the face of taboo. The blend of compassion and merriment from hosts Dax and Monica allows listeners to find laughter—and maybe some healing—in life’s most undignified moments.

“Armchair Anonymous: Unauthorized Evacuation II” is a reminder that, for all of us, the most embarrassing things we imagine are often the most universal, and survivable—sometimes even the stuff that connects us most.

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Transcript

[Dax Shepard]

Wondry subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free right now. Join Wondry plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepherd. I'm joined by Lily Padman.

[Monica Padman]

Hi.

[Dax Shepard]

My favorite prompt.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, it's your favorite.

[Dax Shepard]

What's your favorite prompt?

[Monica Padman]

Gosh, that's like picking children.

[Dax Shepard]

Meet cute.

[Monica Padman]

I love meet cute. No, I like these.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Unauthorized evacuation to. Baloney.

[Doug]

It's the second time we've done that specific prompt. We've done plenty of shitty prompts that.

[Dax Shepard]

Are more specifically through a broader net. Okay, we went back to a broader net and once again, guys, it's perfect.

[Monica Padman]

They're so fun. They deliver.

[Dax Shepard]

It needs its own. It needs its own feed. Just. Well, just foodie stories. Enjoy unauthorized evacuations part whatever. We are supported by GoDaddy. You're a business owner. You've got expert skills building a website. Yeah, that might not be one on the resume. That's why there's GoDaddy arrow. Their AI makes it super easy. Type in a few prompts and boom, you've got a wicked looking site that pulls in customers for a limited time. Get an extra 20% off annual website plan when you visit GoDaddy.com Dax and enter promo code DAX20 at checkout. That's GoDaddy.com Dax promo code DAX valid only on new 12 month basic premium and commerce plans purchased in the U.S. we are supported by quints. With quints, you can get luxury basics at prices that make sense. Get all the good stuff. High quality fabrics, classic fits and lightweight layers for warm weather without dropping a fortune. I just was staring at a box of quints that arrived yesterday. Kristin's been firing off orders with. We all love everything that arrives.

[Monica Padman]

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[Dax Shepard]

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[Tony]

I had them both.

[Dax Shepard]

Shining. Hi Doug Douglas or Doug.

[Doug]

I just go by Doug.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, great. Doug, where are you?

[Doug]

I am in St. George, Utah.

[Dax Shepard]

I love St. George. That's right. When you enter out of Arizona and it turns all red and pretty.

[Doug]

Yep, it's great. Just like an hour and a half outside of Vegas. If you're an outdoorsy person, it's a great place.

[Dax Shepard]

And a lot of pants shitting happening over there, not here.

[Doug]

So this story actually takes place out in Jacksonville, North Carolina, May of 2018. I was stationed out there in Camp Johnson because I was in the Marine Corps Reserves. So I was out there for my mos training for my occupation in the military.

[Dax Shepard]

What's mos?

[Doug]

I was a motor vehicle mechanic.

[Dax Shepard]

Good for you.

[Doug]

Just to kind of give you a little backstory. So it was the end of the week. It was a Sunday night. All my buddies and me were getting together in my barracks room for just an end of week celebration. So we decided to order this big pizza. We ended up devouring the whole thing. It was great toppings. Oh gol. It was all meat pizza. It was like pepperoni, sausage, anything you can think of, meat. And next morning floats around. And every morning we have to be outside in front of the barracks at right around like five in the morning. So usually I wake up, do your morning business, take care of whatever, and then head on outside for the morning run. This particular morning, however, I did not have enough time to wake up and do everything that I needed to. So woke up late, was scrambling to get my clothes together, slapped on my workout shorts.

[Monica Padman]

Are the shorts loose or are they tight like bike shorts?

[Doug]

Very flowy green running shorts. Start to head outside and I already know I'm not feeling too well. Something's going on down there. And I was like, well, this is the worst stomach ache I felt a long time, but didn't have time to really go about it.

[Dax Shepard]

How long is the run scheduled to be?

[Doug]

It's like seven plus miles each morning.

[Monica Padman]

And also, are you allowed to call in sick?

[Dax Shepard]

No, that's for civilians. But he's lost Me so many times at, like, anything where I would have to be at attention at 5am which means I'd have to get up at 4am because my movement takes a little finessing. I've got to have coffee and nicotine.

[Monica Padman]

Not if you're in the Marines. You can't do any of that.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, I know I just have to wake up at 4 to get this whole thing running.

[Monica Padman]

Do they let you have nicotine there?

[Dax Shepard]

Of course.

[Doug]

They all do do. But you're not supposed to really have it, like on the job.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, you're not supposed to.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. I was over in Afghanistan twice, and 90% of the people were dipping.

[Monica Padman]

Listen, Doug is right here in front of us.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, Doug, do a lot of the guys dip?

[Doug]

Oh, yeah. Dipping was a huge thing.

[Dax Shepard]

Let's let the soldiers talk, Monica. Let's let the. Oh, my God.

[Monica Padman]

Disgusting. Okay, go on, Doug. Go on.

[Dax Shepard]

Sorry, Doug.

[Doug]

So we start out on this run. We get probably two and a half miles into it. I really have to go at this point. And so the sergeant who's leading the platoon in this run, he's up at the front, and I'm about four Marines back run up to the front. And I was like, hey, Sergeant, I have to go. Is there anywhere I can go? And he's like, no. It's 5:45 in the morning. Nothing's even open. There's barracks around us and like office buildings, but nothing's open. So he's like, you're just gonna have to hold it. I'm sorry. I get back into formation. Just keep running. House. Regretting all of my life decisions at this point. And I probably ran for another like 15 minutes or so. And at this point, it was not happening. Shit was starting to flow. I was prairie dogging. It was bad.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, no, this is so sad.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, this is. You gotta get tough.

[Monica Padman]

No, no. Bodies are bodies.

[Doug]

We're on this paved road and there's a little ravine off to the right. At this point, I don't even care about humiliation. I need to go. And so I barely make it down into this little ravine. Pull my shorts down, they're about down to my knees, I'd say. And my ass is out in the woods and my head is sticking out of the woods and everything behind me is at this point getting painted. It's like a Jackson Pollock painting in brown.

[Dax Shepard]

It was an explosion.

[Doug]

It was an explosion.

[Monica Padman]

Hey, sorry, that's a little sensitive because it's the military.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, hold on. They specialize in.

[Monica Padman]

We don't know about ptsd. I don't know.

[Doug]

We gotta be sensitive at this point. Everything is going to hell. My shorts are covered, my shoes are covered, my socks are all covered.

[Dax Shepard]

Really quick. Did the sergeant peep what was happening?

[Doug]

Yeah, they were calling it out. I dipped off into the woods and all this is happening and they can't leave you. So this platoon just keeps doing U turns running by me as I'm shitting my brains out on the side of the road. So all of my buddies, 35 to 40 guys, probably are just running past laughing their asses off at this point. I'm very embarrassed. Most embarrassing moment of my life because all my buddies are seeing me like this. So finally about, like the fourth or fifth pass by, the sergeant's finally like, hey, you take care of you. You do whatever you have to do. We'll meet you back in formation after the morning chow hall. So he takes everybody to morning chow, and I'm left just by myself. Me and like Smokey the Bear out in the woods. Nobody's even there. And this is about a mile from my barracks where I have to get back to to change.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, and you're just covered.

[Doug]

Yeah, I have like one of two options in my head. I can either put back on my shorts and my underwear and they're soaked and run back to the barracks just covered in shit, or I can leave them there and run back just with my shirt and my shoes.

[Dax Shepard]

So. Oh, wow.

[Doug]

For whatever reason, I chose the latter.

[Dax Shepard]

There was a third option on the table, which is remove your T shirt and then like step through the armholes and make a little diap. You could have covered your testicles.

[Monica Padman]

I mean, it is a good solution, but I wouldn't have thought, okay, so.

[Dax Shepard]

You chose to run back with your dicky buck.

[Monica Padman]

We need the poo style.

[Doug]

Yeah, yeah. So at this point, I have the shirt long enough down where it covers my junk, but I'm just in my white sneakers that are now white shade of brown and my white socks and I'm running back to the barracks and I am worried about everything because a base higher up could see you. Like, there's a lot of different factors that could happen if I get caught streaking on a military base.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Doug]

We finally make it back to the barracks. And I was like, I can't let my roommates know what happened. So I just strip down to nothing, run inside, shower. I Febreze the whole room. You can't smell a thing. I was very proud of myself. So I get back out and I have to dispose of the evidence. So I toss it in the trash can, get dressed, and I meet them in formation after they get done in the chow hall so we can head to our normal classes and stuff throughout the day. So I was feeling great about myself. They checked in on me. They were like, hey, you good? And I'm like, yep, I'm good. Second part of the story. We march back to wherever we were going for our training that day. And about an hour or so into the training, I'm sitting there, and I'm like, oh, my gosh, my hands are getting so warm, and my ass is on fire. And I was like, what's going on?

[Nicole]

No.

[Doug]

And then it occurred to me that out in the woods, I had nothing to clean myself up with. And the trees behind me had these pretty decently large leaves. And so I was like, this is all I can do to clean myself up. So I grab these leaves and I start wiping myself off. And I was like, great. This works. Everything's left in the woods. It's done with. And so now it's starting to occur to me, like, what did I wipe my ass with?

[Monica Padman]

This is horrible.

[Doug]

It ended up being poison oak. Then another half an hour or so goes by, and it was on fire. At this point, I needed to get like hell. It was burning. And so I asked the same sergeant who had taken me on the run, like, hey, I need to go to the doctor.

[Dax Shepard]

He's like, doug, you're a disgrace to this unit.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, what if he kicked you out of America?

[Doug]

So he's like, do what you need. Just take care of yourself. Get better. So he sends me to the doctor, which is probably two miles down the road, I'd say. And so at this point, chafe on level 10, and it's May, so it's already hot and humid in Carolina. They gave me some ointment and medication, and it ended up clearing up in, like, two weeks. So I was in pain, and I still had to go on the morning runs.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, geez. They have all these really intense tests of durability and resilience. They should add this to, like, seal training. Now shit in the woods. Now wipe with this. And now carry on. I would argue what you went through is about as tough as a situation as you can find yourself in.

[Doug]

It was very unpleasant. But moral of the story is, if you order a big pizza, don't eat it and try to run the next morning.

[Dax Shepard]

That's.

[Monica Padman]

I wouldn't have thought, a pizza. I mean, the meat, something, probably. But it was only you.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm not willing to blame the pizza.

[Monica Padman]

I think it was the case of.

[Dax Shepard]

The painful pepperoni pizza. No. Are you still in the service?

[Doug]

I actually get out my contract in September 11th of this next month, so I'm out.

[Dax Shepard]

And did you like it?

[Doug]

I loved it. It was to do once, but I wouldn't do it again.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Oh, well, Doug, that was so much fun. Thank you.

[Monica Padman]

Sorry that happened.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, me too.

[Doug]

Thank you guys so much for meeting with me this morning.

[Dax Shepard]

Of course.

[Monica Padman]

Bye. Okay, I just had a full revelation.

[Dax Shepard]

What is it, do you think?

[Monica Padman]

Winnie the Pooh. The reason he only wears a shirt is because he pooped everywhere and that's why his name's Winnie the Pooh.

[Dax Shepard]

Or I think it's so he. He doesn't poop himself because he's Winnie the Pooh. He poops a lot and he couldn't risk putting pants on.

[Nicole]

Okay.

[Monica Padman]

It's similar.

[Dax Shepard]

It is. It is. It's just. What direction?

[Monica Padman]

I just wish you would let me just have my ideas.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, I did let you. It's still your idea.

[Monica Padman]

One time he pooped in his pants. Right.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Monica Padman]

He was like, oh, I can't be wearing pants anymore.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm not built for these.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. And so then he became.

[Dax Shepard]

His name was Winnie, which is interesting.

[Monica Padman]

Original. Winnie is from Wonder Years.

[Dax Shepard]

It's a female name.

[Monica Padman]

And then he pooped, and then he became Winnie the Pooh and he took off his shorts forever.

[Dax Shepard]

I never overthought the name. But it's a wild name because it's a woman's name. And then Pooh.

[Monica Padman]

And it's the Pooh.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Good for them. They snuck that right by us.

[Monica Padman]

Hi, how are you?

[Dax Shepard]

Do you have a fake name in mind?

[Mickey]

I don't. I was gonna see if y' all could pick one.

[Dax Shepard]

Mickey.

[Mickey]

I love that. I'll take.

[Dax Shepard]

Can you guess why I chose that?

[Mickey]

Monica's repping it.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes, exactly.

[Monica Padman]

I'm wearing a Mickey shirt for the listener.

[Dax Shepard]

Mickey, where are you?

[Mickey]

I am in South Texas. Kind of along the Gulf coast area.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay, great. And you want a fake name, which means this is either ultra embarrassing or there was some illegality to this evacuation. Both are exciting.

[Mickey]

Not illegal, just incredibly embarrassing. Just saving the shame for my mom in case she ever hears.

[Monica Padman]

Looking out for the parents.

[Dax Shepard]

Right. I understand.

[Mickey]

For context, I went to a. A very, very small school. This takes place in junior high, so that is critical information.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, Mickey, I can't think of a worse time for this kind of an event to happen than junior high.

[Mickey]

Absolutely. Unlike you, Dax, I Was not cool in junior high. That was not my time to shine.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm sorry.

[Mickey]

Oh no, it's fine. I'm great now.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Mickey]

But I went to a very small school. Our entire school fit on one city block. Even our junior high and high school were in the same building. So as junior high kids walk the hallway with high school students.

[Dax Shepard]

Dangerous.

[Mickey]

Yeah. Very intimidating.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Mickey]

Being at a small school, everybody plays every sport whether you're good or not. You're almost begged to to make teams complete. So this takes place circa 2007. I was in seventh grade on the basketball team and I was not a star athlete. I was a very chunky, very round kid. I was a good try.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, great. A lot of heart.

[Mickey]

I'm us the personality hire. I rode the bench a lot, but I still went to every game and still showed up.

[Dax Shepard]

When they put you in what position were you playing?

[Mickey]

Oh, I don't know. Playing. Please don't pass me the ball.

[Dax Shepard]

Stay away from the ball position.

[Mickey]

We had an out of town game this night and being small schools, you usually have to travel pretty far to go to another small school. And it's always two lane back roads through no stoplight towns until you get to your no stoplight town which is home. So the game went off fine. After the game was over, tradition was that you change into your street clothes. We dump all of our uniforms in the dirty bag, the coach takes them back to the gym, washes them for the next game and we're all riding home in our street clothes. On the way home we always stop at somewhere very Texas. A water burger, a Dairy Queen, something along those lines where the only options are greasy burger, greasy chicken, strip. So I'm sure I had one of those two options on this evening.

[Dax Shepard]

And how long was the ride do you think?

[Mickey]

Probably right at about an hour. Pretty much all back roads in between. So we all load up on the bus and I get the covented cool back seat. You know the one in the very back of the bus that's the single seat because you don't have to share with anyone.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Mickey]

So I was like, I'm cool. I'm in seventh grade, I've got the cool seat and I've got. And so everything's going fine. It's dark on the bus, none of the windows really rolled down. It's old bus so it's just quiet. Everybody has their headphones in listening to music on our ipod nanos at the time. And I just feel this gut punch of a pinch in my stomach and it Just hits me like a wave. And I just start getting a little sweaty on my forehead. And then it turns into full body chills. And this all takes takes place in a span of about 90 seconds. Oh, and if you've ever played sports or rode a school bus, you know there's no point in even asking to stop because it's not going to happen. And in this case, there's literally nowhere for the bus to even pull over. There's not shoulders on these roads.

[Dax Shepard]

It'd be pulling into a ditch.

[Mickey]

Exactly. Which I would have been fine with for sure. So I feel this rush of anxiety, this rush of heat, full body sweat come over me. And the next thing I know, I just. Just explode.

[Monica Padman]

No warning, no warning.

[Dax Shepard]

No warning. You weren't even, like, fighting it.

[Mickey]

It just came over me, like, literally exploded. And it was so bad, it filled up my jeans. It went up and out the back. It was all over the seat.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, no, mama, it's a bucket. It sounds like. Oh.

[Mickey]

To this day, I have never seen that much diarrhea in.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my Lord.

[Dax Shepard]

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[Monica Padman]

So overwhelming. Way too much information.

[Dax Shepard]

Too much information. These days, it feels like there's advice for everything. Cold plunges, gratitude journals, screen detoxes. I'm two of those three. But how do you know what actually works for you? Using trusted resources and talking to live therapists can get you personalized recommendations and help you break through the noise. Well, therapy on BetterHelp is a great place to start. With an App store rating of 4.9 out of 5 based on over 1.7 million client reviews.

[Monica Padman]

Therapy's so important to get ahead of things. People think you go Once something bad has already happened.

[Dax Shepard]

But ounce of prevention.

[Monica Padman]

Exactly. It's huge.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. Talk it out with better help, armchairs get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com Dax that's betterhelp. H E L P.com Dax we are supported by Skims.

[Monica Padman]

Okay. So, you know, I love Skims so much and it has a ton of different products. It has apparel, it has swim it as menswear, which I know you like. And I raved about a lot of the different product lines in these ads we get to do. But Skims is best known for their incredible intimates. And that makes total sense. The quality of their bras and underwear is truly unmatched. It's luxe, it's comfortable fabrics, it fits that feel good and look good under clothes, which is hugely important. And it's really everything you could want. Like, it is very, very, very hard to find comfortable underwear that's also cute.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes, that's the big challenge. But you're endlessly recommending this to friends.

[Monica Padman]

I am. I have multiple of their bras. They all fit great. They work well under all clothes. And I recently tried the Fits Everybody lace Tanga. It's made with this, like really, really, really soft fits everybody fabric. I'm obsessed with it. It has this lace trim, so it adds a little bit of sexiness, but it's also comfortable. It's the most comfortable underwear I own and it makes me feel amazing every time I wear it.

[Dax Shepard]

Shop Monica's favorite bras and [e-mail] after you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you select podcast in the survey and be sure to select our show in the drop down menu that follows skims.com.

[Monica Padman]

Were there high schoolers on the bus too?

[Mickey]

No, luckily this was only junior high, but it was still, you know, about 25 of my peers, which is not ideal. It just starts moving up the bus, row by row, tidal wave of smell. And you just start to hear, oh, God, what's that? And someone said, oh, my God, did somebody fart? And all I could think was, babe, I wish.

[Monica Padman]

Were you considering being like, I know, ew, what is that?

[Mickey]

At this point, I knew I was gonna have to make peace with my mess. Cause there was no hiding it. Like I said, it was all up my back, all over the seat, all in my jeans.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, there was no.

[Mickey]

Let me just quick change into other pants.

[Dax Shepard]

This sounds very much like a baby's diaper. You know, this is like a baby diaper situation. Yeah.

[Mickey]

Yes. I just had a baby. And we just had our first blowout. So it brought back trauma.

[Monica Padman]

Yes.

[Mickey]

There's a piece of this where I definitely trauma blocked. I don't 100% remember, but I know the girls just started moving up to the front of the bus. They're like three deep piled in the seats in the front two rows. Like I said, the windows wouldn't roll down, so the few windows that were. They're like breathing out of it.

[Dax Shepard]

Or the adults, like, oh, my God.

[Monica Padman]

I can imagine adults be like, girls, get to the front.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah, run.

[Mickey]

There was one adult, and she was driving the bus.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, no.

[Mickey]

Someone must have put together, like, this is more than a fart. Someone shit their pants. And probably it was evident that it was me because I was the only one not making my way to the.

[Nicole]

Front of the bus.

[Monica Padman]

What if you also just started going up?

[Dax Shepard]

Think of this tableau, of how sad this is. Like the reverse shot of this little girl.

[Mickey]

There's nowhere to stop, so I just had to sit in my shitty pool of mess. You know, the back of the bus is the most bouncy.

[Monica Padman]

It is splish, splash.

[Mickey]

Yeah. Until we pulled into a Walmart, and it was like a very small Walmart before they were like super Walmart. So the bus driver makes her way to the back with that can of sawdust that they usually put on throw up and a pair of gloves.

[Dax Shepard]

Did all the kids get off the bus immediately and just you and her now?

[Mickey]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Mickey]

And so she walks to the back and assesses the situation, and literally she says, oh, God, what did you do, drop your britches to poop?

[Dax Shepard]

Oh.

[Mickey]

I said, no, ma'. Am. It was just that much.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, Lord.

[Mickey]

So she kind of sprinkles some sawdust on there.

[Monica Padman]

What is the sawdust supposed to do? Neutralize the smell.

[Dax Shepard]

Keep it from splashing around. It absorbs it. Then you can also sweep it up. Now, you can't sweep up, throw up, but if you get it all in that sawdust, you can't.

[Mickey]

Yeah. And I don't know if sawdust is designed for diarrhea or just throw up, you know, the different makeup. So it may not have worked very well, but she was working with what she had. Like, we all were.

[Nicole]

Sure.

[Mickey]

So she goes to the uniform bag, and this is the callback of where I was a very chunky kid. So she goes to the uniform bag, and she just kind of Fishes for probably the biggest one she can find. Not my uniform to put on to give me a clean pair of clothes. So she hands me this random uniform and says, okay, go into Walmart. Clean yourself up, change. So I'm waddling through Walmart, probably dripping shit, just this trail of smell, probably following me. So I go in there also. All the other girls decided to take this time to come in there and use the bathroom. So I'm, you know, can you wet this toilet paper and hand it back to me so I could clean myself up? Oh my God. At this point it was like, swallow your pride and get it done. So I come out of the bathroom wearing someone else's uniform. Poor number 13. You know, every time they put that uniform on the rest of the season, we're probably like, these are the. This shitty uniform. So we all load up in the bus. The bus driver had called my mom because I don't even think I had a cell phone at this point. And you know, I was like, you need to be there because it's like 10 o' clock at night by the time we get back to the school. So luckily it had happened right before Thanksgiving break. So my mom let me stay home for two days because I think she just knew that's way too embarrassing.

[Dax Shepard]

Let everyone have their fun for a couple days, then we'll go on break and hopefully the rugs will have died down in 10 days.

[Monica Padman]

Do you think people thought you, like, died?

[Mickey]

That would have been great. I might have gotten some sympathy out of it, maybe. There was a rumor about that going around. The really only blowback, no pun intended, after I got back to school after the Thanksgiving break was one girl in art class did come up specifically and sit next to me and said, did you shit your pants on the school bus? And I was like, yeah. She was like, well, why'd you do that? And I was like, I couldn't help it.

[Dax Shepard]

Why'd you do that? Kids are so fucking stupid.

[Nicole]

Kids are so stupid.

[Mickey]

It took me probably 10 years to be able to speak about this out loud. It was something I just buried. But truthfully, listening to Yalls podcast, hearing the other unauthorized survivors.

[Dax Shepard]

The survivors, yeah, I'm not the only one.

[Mickey]

So I figured if I can survive that, I can survive anything. I truly think that's why I don't get embarrassed anymore. I'm probably more confident than I should be. It's definitely because this traumatic event happened in my formative years and I was fine now having a little baby girl too. I told my husband I Was nervous to come on and tell this story because it is embarrassing. But I said I want her to know it's okay to be embarrassed. You'll survive. So I can't wait to show her this at some point.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, wow.

[Mickey]

I told my best friend I was coming on to tell this story. She said, oh, my gosh. Which story are you going to tell? The airplane story or the school bus one?

[Monica Padman]

Oh, great.

[Dax Shepard]

You've your pants more than once.

[Mickey]

Oh, it happens like every six months or so.

[Dax Shepard]

You're kind of like a dude. I like that. Yeah, we could hang.

[Monica Padman]

This could be a sphincter issue. Well, I don't want to say issue.

[Dax Shepard]

But I think you're perfect as designed.

[Mickey]

I think it's a character building design, but. Yeah, character building design.

[Nicole]

There we go.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, that was great.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, I love that Mickey. Poor Mickey on that bus. Everyone deserved it. She was a woman without a country.

[Monica Padman]

They had to do what they needed to do for them too.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, I don't blame them, but man, but it's sad.

[Monica Padman]

It's a sad scene.

[Mickey]

I felt so bad that so many people were also affected because usually you poop your pants and it's a pretty insulated event. Maybe one other people are not. 25 of your peers in junior high are also participating in the misery.

[Dax Shepard]

This is about as bad as it could get. Save maybe hooking up with your dream crush.

[Monica Padman]

And you got that. At least that didn't happen.

[Dax Shepard]

But other than that, a seventh grade school bus is. Is really gotta be up there.

[Mickey]

Yeah, it was pretty rough.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, Mickey, thank you. That was delightful.

[Monica Padman]

Thank you for sharing it. You're very brave.

[Mickey]

Thank you.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, lovely meeting you. Yes.

[Monica Padman]

So nice to meet you.

[Dax Shepard]

Beat the heat down there.

[Mickey]

I will. I'm trying.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. All right, take care.

[Monica Padman]

Bye. Bye.

[Dax Shepard]

Thank you, Monica, for this beverage.

[Monica Padman]

Well, Rob ordered it.

[Dax Shepard]

Thank you, Rob, for this beverage. You got it. I don't know why I thought it was on your account somehow.

[Monica Padman]

Well, it was my idea.

[Dax Shepard]

It was going to be. Hi, Tony.

[Monica Padman]

Hello.

[Tony]

How's it going?

[Dax Shepard]

We just got some beverages that were ordered by Rob and Monica and they've just arrived and we're so excited.

[Doug]

Cheers.

[Dax Shepard]

Guys, look at this.

[Monica Padman]

What do you have? What's your beverage?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, what do you got going?

[Tony]

I'm a cold brew fanatic.

[Dax Shepard]

Boot. Where are you at today, Tony?

[Tony]

Well, I live in New Orleans, but at the moment I'm on a road trip. I'm in Asheville, North Carolina, at an Airbnb.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm going in October.

[Tony]

Have you been?

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, yeah. Many Times. But Aaron and I are going to go on a motorcycle trip and be based out of there and explore.

[Tony]

That's very beautiful. The coffee scene is next level.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, is it? Okay, so from New Orleans, but in.

[Tony]

Asheville, not from New Orleans. I've been living there for 10 years. I'm originally from Omaha, Nebraska.

[Monica Padman]

Wow. All over the map.

[Dax Shepard]

I'll say. You're getting a taste of everywhere. All right, so where did this unauthorized evacuation take place?

[Tony]

This unauthorized evacuation took place in my hometown in Omaha. Surprisingly not New Orleans. I would imagine plenty of people have shit themselves on the.

[Monica Padman]

Oh yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, yeah, Yeah. I got bourbon faced on Shit Street. It's my favorite shirt.

[Tony]

That's a great T shirt, isn't it?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tony]

So yeah, this took place in Omaha circa 2012. I have to provide some context in two ways. The first is I had a very boring day job. So to spice things up a bit, I took a job moonlighting as a bartender. It was at this three story sushi and sake lounge called Blue Sushi. They now have like 20 locations across the country. A couple in Nashville, by the way, shout out to my homies at Blue Sushi. It's arguably the busiest restaurant in Omaha. Very high volume, very popular. And the other thing you need to know is I lived in an apartment building across the street. This was all in the old Market district of Omaha. I also have to tell you about Jason, who is the manager of our apartment building. Great manager, very fun guy, very sociable. Everybody's friend, loved to party. Also my neighbor. So Jason and I shared a wall. It was a very busy Friday night at the bar. I was working on the third floor, a private party packed house, having a great time, working with my friend Cassie, taking some shots. And then all of a sudden this like grenade goes off in my gut. And my body did not give me any heads up on this.

[Dax Shepard]

Had you eaten any fish prior to your shift?

[Tony]

As I recall, I did not eat any fish. I don't know if this was something I. But there was no warning. I was feeling great. And then I sharted.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay. And you're on the floor with the.

[Tony]

Customers at this point, I am behind the bar. I could feel it. I could smell it.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh.

[Tony]

And I knew that this was not the end. I didn't know what was coming, but I knew it was not going to be good. And so I tell Cassie, you got a cover for me? And now I'm like frantically weighing my options because there are only two bathrooms in this whole establishment. The first is on the first floor which is only equipped for a one man show. And it's adjacent to the dining room and it's like perpetually occupied. I don't want to do that. And the other bathroom's on the second floor. It's like a party in there and I don't want to subject anybody to what I'm about to do. I did the only thing that made sense to me. I ran down the stairs, I ran across the street, I ran to my apartment building. And then I meet my nemesis, which is the elevator.

[Dax Shepard]

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[Monica Padman]

Yeah, like when you left one of your dogs when you went traveling, you probably had guilt.

[Dax Shepard]

I did. Whiskey wasn't fit to make the trip, but I was relieved that he's having such a great time with Peggy at home. But yeah, because you're only human. There's Hills. Science does more. Find the right [e-mail] dakota we are supported by Kachava. This is an exciting time to be a cachava fan because they've just launched a new flavor. Strawberry. Gosh, do I love strawberries.

[Monica Padman]

So good, so good. It's so exciting.

[Dax Shepard]

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[Tony]

So this is like the slowest, rickettiest, most unpredictable elevator, and I'm just standing there waiting and hoping and praying. Doing the I'm gonna shit my pants dance.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Oh, I'm getting chills. Yeah. Yeah.

[Tony]

I thought about walking up the stairs, which is like five flights of stairs.

[Dax Shepard]

No way.

[Tony]

Anyway, the elevator comes, I get in the elevator, and before I can get to my floor, the fifth floor is like turning on a garden hose. I know you're gonna ask about size and consistency. It just, like, ran down my leg and gets in my shoe, and then it ends up in, like, a perfectly round puddle on the floor of the elevator.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, cute.

[Dax Shepard]

Hold on a second. So you got a lot of work on your plate now because you're gonna have to, like, somehow get the elevator to stay in position while you go inside to get some stuff to clean it, and you're covered. What a logistical fucking nightmare.

[Tony]

I have a lot of decisions to make because first of all, thank God there was nobody waiting for the elevator when the door opened. I don't know what exactly to do. I'm an upstanding citizen. I like to think I'm not just going to shit in in my own elevator and then, like, not clean it up, but I have to, like, finish shitting. I'm like, do I do that first? Do I try and clean the elevator first?

[Dax Shepard]

It's kind of a riddle. It's one of these. You've got a chicken, a fox, and a bag of grain, and you gotta cross the river and go back and make.

[Monica Padman]

Only these can go together.

[Tony]

Even if I do go clean. How would that even work? Do I have to, like, crop open the elevator? I don't have, like, a janitorial bucket or supplies or anything. So I just run back to my apartment and just finish.

[Monica Padman]

Yes, that's wise.

[Tony]

I feel great, and I turn on the shower. I kind of wash myself off. I change my pants, flip on the.

[Dax Shepard]

Tv.

[Monica Padman]

Crack a beer.

[Dax Shepard]

Call me mom.

[Tony]

And then I, like, grab some paper towels and some Windex or some shit. That was, like, all I had. And I run back to the elevator. I get in the elevator and it's already cleaned up.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, no.

[Tony]

I'm confused. But I'm just like, all right, fuck it. So I went back to work. So I run back across the street. I get back there, and Leah, my friend, who is also the manager, is fucking pissed. She's like, where the hell were you? And I'm like. Like, leah, I'm wearing different pants.

[Dax Shepard]

Great. That's an elegant way to say it.

[Tony]

Then I finished my shift. I kind of forgot about the whole thing.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Good night. Tips. More shots?

[Tony]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Some fish.

[Tony]

And then I get home and it's like, you know, 1:32 in the morning, I get in the elevator, and there's a sign in the elevator handwritten by Jason that says, whoever in this elevator is out of here with, like, 14 explanation points.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, boy.

[Tony]

I didn't really know what to do. I lived in the building for four more years after that. Just, like, harboring this secret. Perpetually afraid that I was, like, gonna get evicted if he found out. So that's the story and I guess my confession. So, Jason, if you're listening, I'm really sorry, dude.

[Monica Padman]

It was an accident. He thinks someone did it.

[Dax Shepard]

How do you, as a. Fuck you. Yes. It was like an act of terror or something. And you're lucky, too, there wasn't any shit. Shoe prints walking to your apartment.

[Tony]

I got lucky in a multitude of ways. There were no witnesses. There were no residents coming in out of the elevator.

[Dax Shepard]

You had two options. I think you chose right. Which is. The other one would have been to buy his favorite bottle of whiskey and come over and been like, hey, man, I'm the worst. I'm so sorry. I know it must have been terrible to clean. I came back to clean it up. You got enough. No. That would have been your only other.

[Monica Padman]

Option, but you did what everyone would do.

[Dax Shepard]

It's not too late to track him down and get him a nice Shivas Regal or something, you know?

[Tony]

Hopefully he hears this.

[Dax Shepard]

He's such a good Time Charlie, I hope he's still alive. And to be honest, it sounds like he was burning the candle at both ends.

[Tony]

I know for a fact he's still alive.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, good, good, good, good.

[Tony]

I saw him the last time I was in Omaha. Of course, I was thinking about this the whole time I was talking to him.

[Monica Padman]

This is good. You finally get to relax.

[Dax Shepard]

Release this. Yeah. Unburdened yourself. Well, Tony, thank you. That was great.

[Tony]

I don't know what my spontaneous road trips would be without your Podcast, So thank you guys so much.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, thanks, man. Thanks so much.

[Monica Padman]

So nice to chat with you.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Have a great rest of your trip.

[Tony]

It was a pleasure.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, take care.

[Monica Padman]

Bye. God, our bodies will really betray us.

[Dax Shepard]

They can become our worst enemies. You know, your brain is a hostile place. It's not a safe place. Your brain and your body can attack you. You.

[Monica Padman]

I know.

[Dax Shepard]

Our biggest enemy really is ourselves. It always is.

[Monica Padman]

Hi.

[Dax Shepard]

Hi. Nicole.

[Nicole]

Hi, Dax and Monica.

[Dax Shepard]

How are you? What pretty wallpaper behind you. I love the delicate little blue flowers on the vines.

[Nicole]

And there's birds in it.

[Dax Shepard]

There are birds. Did you apply that to the wall or. It came with the residents.

[Nicole]

I did it myself.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, good. Where are you currently?

[Nicole]

I'm on Vancouver Island.

[Dax Shepard]

I would say we've had a disproportionate amount of folks from Vancouver island island, considering how sparsely populated it is.

[Nicole]

It is pretty sparsely populated and I'm from like a super rural town.

[Dax Shepard]

Were you anywhere near Pamela Anderson? Did she live there for a minute?

[Nicole]

Yeah, she's probably like three or four hours from me and she still has a house here. She lives in a small town too, and the locals see her all the time. So I'm just hoping casually I'll run into her at some point.

[Dax Shepard]

So how big is Vancouver island that you can drive? Three hours on it.

[Nicole]

So I'm at the bore northern tip and then for me to get to the southern tip, which would be Victoria, takes anywhere between like six and seven hours, depending.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow. Wow, it's huge.

[Nicole]

Yeah, it's pretty large.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm going to look at a map after this conversation. Yeah, I'm pretty interested. Okay. And is this where you had your unauthorized evacuation?

[Nicole]

No, I had it in Vancouver.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay. Out on the town.

[Nicole]

Well, I was at my house on a date.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh. Oh, wonderful. Take us through slowly and tell us all the deets.

[Nicole]

Oh, I will.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, I'm gonna stop you just for half a second because we had a gal on a minute ago who had shit herself on the seventh grade school bus, and I said that has to be the number one worst, excluding shitting yourself in front of your crush while getting intimate. So that's crazy. I said that. And it sounds like this might be heading.

[Monica Padman]

It might be heading there.

[Nicole]

A little foreshadowing maybe.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Nicole]

So years 2013, I'm around 24 years old. @ the time, I was living with a roommate who had a little boy, cutest little guy. He was around three years old. The week previous to this date, they had come down with the plague. So she said, probably don't stay at home.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, this week.

[Nicole]

And I was like, that's a solid. I'm going to go stay with a friend. So I stayed with a friend for that week. And then I got back to the house and like, it should be fine by now. And I have been casually seeing this guy for maybe a month. We gone on like two dates to a restaurant. And he said, hey, do you want to watch a movie tonight? I said, yeah, that would be amazing. And I'm pretty nervous. I'm an anxious girly. I don't have a living room. I only have my bedroom.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. He's like, let's watch a movie. But at your house, in your bed?

[Nicole]

At my house.

[Dax Shepard]

And can I just ask, the previous two dates, was there any physical activity?

[Nicole]

Absolutely none.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, great. So come watch a movie in my bed. It sounds like you must have been expecting there would be some intimacy that evening.

[Nicole]

I wasn't sure. I think I was maybe hoping that could happen. But also, we hadn't hugged yet, so I was kind of just hoping for hand holding.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Wow.

[Monica Padman]

But you know, hand holding is actually the most intimate thing you can do. More than anal.

[Dax Shepard]

According to Monica.

[Monica Padman]

That's a well known fact.

[Nicole]

Pretty sure he definitely wouldn't want to do that. He comes over. I'm so nervous. We go into my room. He's brought takeout and beer. So nice.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, this is so fun. I want to do this.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, so he likes to eat food in bed. Some people don't like doing that.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, I do.

[Monica Padman]

I do too. But some people are really against it.

[Nicole]

I don't love it, but I didn't have a kitchen. I didn't have a living room. It was my only option. So we sit in bed, we turn the lights off, we start this movie. So the only light in the room is coming from the television. He is, like starting to reach across the bed to hold my hand. We haven't cracked out the food yet and I get nervous and I immediately go and grab a beer instead and crack it.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay.

[Nicole]

So I take a sip of my beer and I just put it down in my lap and I want it to be cozy. So I'm in like really light colored sweatpants pants. I start feeling my leg and it feels wet.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow.

[Nicole]

And I am like, I wonder if I spilled my beer. I'm trying to be really discreet about it. He's still trying to make a move on me and I'm feeling my leg and it's progressed to my ankle.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God. You're not feeling anything?

[Nicole]

I feel nothing. I don't feel sick. I feel totally fine.

[Dax Shepard]

This is scary.

[Nicole]

Yeah. Like I must have spilled my beer. There must be a hole in the this bottle somehow. I have no idea what's happened. So I try to do like a little stiff test.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh sure.

[Nicole]

See if it's beer just to make sure. And I immediately am hit with ache.

[Dax Shepard]

Sulfur. Yeah. Oh, and now you've released it. I would be dealing with so many things at that moment. There's not just a shitting pants, but it's like, what the.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. What's happening?

[Dax Shepard]

I didn't feel bad. I'm covered. Like I would almost feel like someone. My pants.

[Monica Padman]

I think I would say I. He did it. He my pants. And it got in my pants.

[Dax Shepard]

I mean, wow, this is so confusing.

[Nicole]

I panic and I'm like, hey, I'm just going to run to the bathroom for a hot second. And as I'm leaving, the movie gets bright.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh.

[Nicole]

I look at the bed and it is bright orange.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, what has happened here?

[Dax Shepard]

It's one of those oil diarrheas. Like the blockbuster.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Had you had those sugar free gummy bears that day.

[Nicole]

I wish I read those reviews when I'm having a bad day.

[Dax Shepard]

Heavens. Or mercantroy.

[Monica Padman]

Did you consider just knocking over the beer? I think I would have knocked over the beer on purpose. Accident. So that like it's just a big mess. That would be like, oh, we gotta get up and out of here.

[Dax Shepard]

That would be the best move you could make. But also, you're assuming you're in your frontal lobe at that moment.

[Nicole]

Just saying.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I agree, that would be great. And hopefully it would mask some of the smell.

[Monica Padman]

Exactly.

[Dax Shepard]

I would have even picked up the thing of pad thai and just poured it on my lap. Milk. I'm so clumsy. All right, I guess this day's over.

[Monica Padman]

See ya. See your way out.

[Nicole]

I should have probably thought of that, but I was clenching and running for the bathroom. And this bathroom, I don't know who decided to paint it this way, but it was checkered black and white and red. It floor to ceiling. Oh, it is everywhere. It's like a circus nightmare. So I am in there. I don't know which end to put in first because now full body sweats have fully hit me. I am soaking wet and I need to vomit.

[Monica Padman]

Oh no. Oh yeah. Because now we remember. It's.

[Dax Shepard]

You've got the flu. Yeah, yeah.

[Nicole]

I've got something bad. I don't know what to do. So I sit down and I just unleash. And then I start vomiting all over myself, all over the floor.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, Nicole. This is so.

[Nicole]

I feel like I've kind of let it all out the bowel end. So I just turn it around, I stick the head in the toilet. The little bit of beer I had, it's gone. And I spray the wall with feces.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, this is a two end because you're now on your knees throwing.

[Nicole]

Yeah, and the projectile that's coming out of me has forced it. And it's such a small bathroom. It's really gone everywhere. And there's no shower in here.

[Monica Padman]

What?

[Nicole]

It's like I glitter bombed the entire bathroom. The checker print has just given me the spins. I curl up on the floor. This is it. I don't know how much time has passed and I haven't heard the door open and close to the unit. So I am assuming that. Let's call him Sam. Sam is still in my bedroom. There's no way he doesn't know. I hear footsteps. He knocks on the door and he's like, hey, I feel like you're not doing okay in there, Nicole.

[Dax Shepard]

It's the dialogue in these situations I think is probably the best.

[Nicole]

I'm like, yeah, Sam, I've had better days.

[Monica Padman]

Everyone's trying to be so polite.

[Dax Shepard]

Are you crying?

[Nicole]

Oh, I'm crying. I am completely covered. My clothes are destroyed. I am destroyed. And he's like, I'm gonna go. I'm a good idea. So I hear him leave and I'm like, thank goodness. I can just kind of die on the floor. I can't even leave this bathroom because I am so covered. If I start walking to my bedroom, I'm just gonna make a trail. The upstairs is my roommate slash co worker, and she's got dogs and a kid and all this stuff. And she had just left the house. And I was texting her, can you come back and bring me some clothes? And then I hear the door open and close again. And I'm like, oh, thank God. She's holding home. Like, hey, is that you? She's like, no, I'm like half hour away. Knock on the door, there's Sam. And he said, hey, I've left a bag of stuff outside the door. I'm gonna go. And then I really hope you feel better. Inside the bag was a ten pack of granny panties.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, he went out to the store.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my care package.

[Nicole]

He got me two towels and some new sweatpants and a shirt.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, what a sweetheart.

[Monica Padman]

Are you Married to him now.

[Nicole]

So here's the thing. I couldn't come back from that. Neither could he.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, so we did the right thing. But also no one was gonna try.

[Monica Padman]

We just. Yeah, you'll have to let it go at that point. Oh, man.

[Nicole]

Monica, I know you want the happy ending and the meet cute. When I met my now husband, it was early on in dating I trusted a fart. I the couch.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

Even I like Nicole, you're wild. I like it.

[Mickey]

Oh my God.

[Monica Padman]

Wow. Oh, this is really like shame on me, shame on you situation.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, you know, some people have that condition. It's like they don't trust anyone loves them. So they come up with a crazy test and they're like, well, they love me through this. I think maybe that's simmering your subconscious.

[Monica Padman]

Or maybe you just wanted to see is this guy as good as that one guy?

[Dax Shepard]

Interesting test.

[Monica Padman]

Will anyone ever live up to Sam.

[Nicole]

My husband, the gem that he is. He said, you know what? Don't even look back. Go straight to the bathroom. I got this. He disinfected clean the coach.

[Dax Shepard]

I gotta say, Kristen and I had this moment. We were only dating for like I think a couple months and we went to do this movie together and we're living in apartment together and both of us got this insane virus. One bathroom. And yeah, she was in there both ends. And I came in and gave her a bucket and the whole night and we just were in it all of a sudden. That's a threshold you cross.

[Nicole]

It is. I had a baby at the time too, so we were in deep.

[Monica Padman]

Oh man, I hope Sam found a nice woman.

[Dax Shepard]

He did. He's a good guy.

[Monica Padman]

Can take care of good guys.

[Dax Shepard]

Find love.

[Monica Padman]

Nice women.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Wow, that's harrowing.

[Dax Shepard]

You are a survivor timer.

[Nicole]

I had so many unauthorized evacuation stories, it's hard to pick.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Do you think you have ibs?

[Nicole]

No, I think I just get illnesses or stress. Tummy. Like before this, I was worried I was going to have one on the call with you.

[Monica Padman]

Honestly, we're hoping for that to happen.

[Dax Shepard]

At some point, a real time.

[Nicole]

I know. My sister texts me, she's like, hey, like make sure you go and do all the things you need to do. But right before the call, it doesn't.

[Dax Shepard]

Sound like any of these situations. You had any inkling that was coming?

[Nicole]

Yeah, no, that went. Hit like a freight train. I had no idea it was so fast.

[Dax Shepard]

And it's interesting you didn't feel it coming out of your butt. That part is interesting to me.

[Nicole]

I've never had that happen since. Thank goodness. That was like a complete shocker to me.

[Monica Padman]

I'm sorry that happened.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. That's great. Thank you.

[Nicole]

Oh, it brought me to you guys.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, we wish you well. And we wish you some prolonged abstinence from unauthorized evacuations.

[Nicole]

Yeah, so does my husband.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Okay. Take care.

[Monica Padman]

Bye.

[Dax Shepard]

I love you. That's awesome. We have a lot to be grateful for. It's always a gratitude inducing and a cautionary tale. But some of these aren't cautionary.

[Monica Padman]

Well, they are cautionary. It's like your butt can leak.

[Dax Shepard]

I know. But when there's no warning.

[Monica Padman]

Ever go on dates?

[Dax Shepard]

Never leave your toilet. I guess that's the cautionary tale. All right. All right.

[Monica Padman]

Love you.

[Dax Shepard]

Love you.

[Doug]

Do you want to sing a tune or something? One of a theme song.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay, great. We don't have a theming song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're going to ask some random questions and with the help of arm cherries, we'll get some suggestions on the fire rind. Dish on the fire. Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondry app, Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry plus in the Wondry app or on Apple podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short [e-mail] survey.