Nikki Glaser Returns

Summary

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Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

Episode: Nikki Glaser Returns (April 6, 2026)

Guests: Nikki Glaser (comedian, writer, actor)
Hosts: Dax Shepard, Monica Padman

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Overview

This episode welcomes comedian and returning guest Nikki Glaser, following her recent hosting gigs at the Golden Globe Awards and her upcoming Hulu comedy special, “Nikki Glaser: Good Girl.” The conversation is a vulnerable, hilarious, and insightful exploration of fame, performance anxiety, body image, relationships, and the psychological labyrinth of internet outrage. Nikki, Dax, and Monica take turns unpacking the awkward and triumphant moments of show business, recognizing insecurity’s universal grip, and celebrating growth that comes from embracing embarrassment.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Showbiz Rituals and Awkwardness

Timestamps: 03:12–09:56

• Nikki's Day: Prepping for the Jennifer Hudson show, including anxiety over the "spirit tunnel" – a highly viewed, choreographed hallway entrance with clapping producers singing a custom song for the guest.
  • “I like, have practiced some things…it's this drug you take that helps you deal with the anxiety and depression you face ahead of Jennifer Hudson spirit tunnel.” (Nikki, 04:12)
• Dax & Nikki: Both share discomfort at ceremonial performer send-offs on set, where the cast/crew must clap for the star, a gesture they find embarrassing.
• Reflections on Fame: Nikki recounts how her childhood dream of restaurant whispers (“Is that Nikki Glaser?”) has transformed; fame now often feels intrusive or awkward rather than glamorous.

2. Performance, Vulnerability & Rejection

Timestamps: 09:56–20:17

• Dancing with the Stars Experience: Nikki discusses being first eliminated, feeling public failure, and the odd psychological shift backstage—how days revolve entirely around dance, leading her to believe she was “a dancer” in a warped sense.
  • “It was one of the most humiliating moments of my life, is getting voted off that show first, even though I had told myself I didn’t care.” (Nikki, 13:03)
• Learning from Failure: The group agrees that embarrassment is an unavoidable but transformative rite; surviving public humiliation builds resilience.
  • “But the gift: You lived.” (Dax, 16:11)
• Taking Risks: Nikki advocates for saying yes to new challenges despite fear of looking "dumb or cringe,” aiming to become the unself-conscious 50-year-old she aspires to be.

3. Self-Esteem, Envy, and Authenticity

Timestamps: 19:52–24:24

• Envy and Projection: Nikki candidly admits her fear that others root against her stems from her own history of jealousy.
  • “Your estimation of others matches perfectly your truth about yourself.” (Dax, 19:52)
• Retraining the Brain: Dax introduces contrarian action—actively rooting for others to cultivate positivity (“rewires your brain”).
• Self-Worth and Output: Nikki hasn’t read comments or reviews about herself since 2018, recognizing both praise and criticism as unreliable sources for self-worth.

4. The Infinite Ego (& the Sun God Metaphor)

Timestamps: 22:44–30:04

• Garrison Keillor's “Sun God” Quote: Dax references an essay describing how creative people deflect praise but still harbor a fantasy of ultimate adoration.
  • “No word is quite good enough…Under this thin veneer of modesty lies a monster of greed…I want to be a sun God.” (read at 117:58)
• Nikki’s Take: The desire for love and validation is insatiable; even Betty White and Tom Hanks, the most adored, evoke dissent from some quarters.
• Taylor Swift & Celebrity: Discuss fan devotion’s extremes and comparisons to religious zeal.

5. Cancel Culture, Online Outrage, & Intimacy

Timestamps: 25:01–49:06

• Outrage Online vs. Real World:
  • Cancel culture’s apparent ferocity is “not real”: public outrage is rarely encountered in person, and most people never experience direct criticism outside the internet.
  • “If you don’t know you’re canceled, it doesn’t affect your life.” (Nikki, 28:20)
• Outsider Judgment: Dax and Nikki examine how those outside close relationships, especially those not partnered, are often quickest to pass judgment on others’ relationship “jokes.”
• The Community of Offense: Nikki posits that for some, being “offended” forms their primary sense of group identity—especially among those with less traditional cultural markers.
  • “To define yourself by what you’re offended by…it’s not cool. But people don’t have identities.” (Nikki, 48:29)
• Bonding on Hate vs. Love: Dax argues relationships built on common dislikes are dead-end streets, compared to the creative/thriving bonds formed over shared passions.

6. Gender, Deservingness, and Social Programming

Timestamps: 36:04–41:02

• The “Deserving” Narrative: Nikki and Monica dissect phrases like “you deserve your success” and expose how these are often rooted in comparison to others, not true acknowledgment.
  • “I don’t think anyone deserves anything good and anyone deserves anything bad. You get what you get.” (Monica, 40:14)
• Hard Work as Privilege: Nikki recounts how being called a “hard worker” sometimes felt like a polite dismissal of her talent, but ultimately sees hard work as a talent in its own right.

7. Relationships, Voluntary Celibacy, and Media Tropes

Timestamps: 43:19–55:20

• V-cels vs. Incels: Dax proposes the existence of “V-cels” (voluntarily celibate women) as a rising group, mirroring the discourse on involuntarily celibate men.
• Gen Z Dating/Relationship Trends: Monica and Nikki analyze the cultural moment where having a boyfriend/husband may be “embarrassing,” and the rise of suspicion toward men, which complicates relationships.
  • “There’s a little tinge in the air that’s… not all men, but all men.” (Monica, 53:38)
• Friendship Advice: Nikki’s practical (and comical) take is to become friends with potential partners rather than immediately seeking romance—less pressure, more authenticity.

8. Beauty, Sex, and Insecurities

Timestamps: 58:08–75:23

• Good Girl Special & Beauty Burdens: Nikki riffs on the paradox of “looking fuckable”—you get rewarded for it, but then life becomes more complicated.
  • “The hotter you are, you don’t have to work. There are models that are literally…people go, she’s a legend, an icon, a queen.”
• Cosmetic Pressures: Society shames beauty work (like plastic surgery) while celebrating other forms of self-improvement; both Dax and Nikki articulate how standards are dictated by same-gender peer groups as much as the opposite sex.
• Body Insecurity, Comedy, and Relief: Nikki’s raunchier material (10 minutes on her vagina in the special) is presented as anti-shame advocacy; she wants women to feel less alone in their anxieties.
  • “I want to make girls feel less lip-shame.” (Nikki, 72:01)
• Online Critique: Nikki describes being featured on “true celebrity skin texture” accounts, reflecting on the schadenfreude and jealousy driving such scrutiny.

9. Porn, Fetishes, and Sexual Honesty

Timestamps: 75:50–81:09

• Porn Preferences: Nikki details her own viewing habits, seeking out scenarios where women express real enjoyment and agency; both she and Dax emphasize the necessity of ethical production, consent, and mutual pleasure.
  • “My ideal sex is, like, being tied up and like all these things that require a lot...I want the guy to be invested…like he's proud of what a crazy she is.” (Nikki, 77:10)
• Dangers for Young Viewers: Monica and Nikki discuss negative effects of porn—especially for young men raised on it—altering real sexual expectations.

10. Endearing Friendships & Show Biz Realities

Timestamps: 85:29–86:21

• Monica & Nikki’s Bond: Tender exchanges close the episode, with Nikki reflecting on genuine friendship developed through the podcast.
  • “You're the only person that I've said that to that I actually mean. And I'm so sorry it hasn't happened, but I really. Like, I think about you all the time…” (Nikki, 85:41)
• Affirmations: Dax echoes the sentiment, offering support and admiration.

11. Selected Notable Quotes

(With Timestamps & Speaker Attribution)

• "The dread ages me. I feel like I lose years of my life with the anxiety." (Nikki, 05:10)
• "You can't just land there. You got to go embarrass yourself. And then you wake up two months later and you're like, oh, yeah. And that's over. And I lived." (Dax, 16:43)
• "Your estimation of others matches perfectly your truth about yourself." (Dax, 19:52)
• "I turn down the compliments…and my denials are much more extravagant than the praise…But under this thin veneer of modesty lies a monster of greed…I want to be a sun God." (Garrison Keillor, read by Dax, 117:58)
• "Any trolls online, any bad stuff you read about yourself is bullshit. And so is the good stuff. It's equally as bullshit." (Nikki, 29:12, referencing Harry Styles)
• "If you don't know you're canceled, it literally wouldn't affect your life." (Nikki, 28:20)
• "To define yourself by what you're offended by…it's not interesting." (Nikki, 48:29)
• “I just want to get things in life. I want to make money that I can then do good with. To be honest with you, I'm trying to be hot so people pay me more so I can open an animal shelter.” (Nikki, 59:26)
• "I want to make girls feel less lip-shame." (Nikki, 72:01)

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Additional Memorable Moments

• Comedy Special Anxiety: Nikki jokes frequently about not wanting friends or family to watch her special, despite promoting it (“If you watch it, don’t tell me.”)
• Spirit Tunnel Dread: The “Jennifer Hudson spirit tunnel” motif symbolizes performer anxiety and the absurdity of celebrity rituals.
• Vulnerability as Strength: Multiple times, the group doubles down on embarrassment and awkwardness as essential to personal/professional growth.
• Body Image & Social Comparison: Both Nikki and Monica detail how digitally manipulated standards damage self-esteem, but humor acts as a counterforce.

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Recurring Themes

• The Burden and Gift of Vulnerability: Embarrassment and public failure are viewed as crucial to evolving as both an artist and a human.
• Female Friendship & Solidarity: The rarity and value of supportive camaraderie among women in competitive entertainment.
• Cultural Commentary: Unpacking gender, power, social trends, and toxic internet culture with empathy and wit.
• Humor as Healing: Comedy routines, especially body-focused, serve not just for laughs but as social correctives.

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Recommendations Followed or Shared

• Nikki Glaser’s special: "Good Girl" (Hulu, April 24th)
• The Jennifer Hudson Show (for the infamous “spirit tunnel” segment)
• Manosphere (Netflix documentary) – a deep-dive into online male subcultures

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Final Thoughts

This episode is a vivid blend of honesty, comedy, self-doubt, and empowerment. Listeners are treated to a behind-the-scenes view of set life, the real consequences and boons of public vulnerability, and how rooting for (not against) others can genuinely transform experience. Nikki Glaser’s humor and candor make for an engaging and relatable conversation, especially for anyone navigating the modern mess of self-image, success, and internet fame.

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Transcript

[Dax Shepard]

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair expert. I'm Dan Shepard and I'm joined by Lily Padman.

[Monica Padman]

Hi.

[Dax Shepard]

We have a returning guest, Nikki Glaser. An award nominated stand up comedian and actor hosted of course the 25 and 26 Golden Globe Awards. Expertly, the roast of Tom Brady. Someday you'll die. Fboy island not safe with Nikki Glaser. And she has a new comedy special out that I watched that is hilarious on Hulu April 24th. Nikki Glaser, good girl.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, we love her, guys.

[Nikki Glaser]

She's a good girl. We love her.

[Dax Shepard]

She's us guys.

[Nikki Glaser]

She's.

[Monica Padman]

She might get an award this year. One of the cool guys. Sexy. No sexy man.

[Dax Shepard]

She might get sexy.

[Monica Padman]

Best boy. Cool guy. You know she's up for it.

[Dax Shepard]

We're gonna find out. Please enjoy. Nikki Glaser. We are supported by the HBO original show Euphoria. Oh, am I happy that this is back. If you thought HBO's euphoria was intense in high school, saddle up. Starring Zendaya Sydney Sweeney and Jacob Elordi. Season three of Euphoria picks up five years later and life looks very different. Now these characters are on their own with the freedom to make choices that can build them or break them. No matter what they're chasing, money, fame, power, love or redemption, no one can escape their fate. Don't miss the third season of Euphoria, starring two time Emmy winner Zendaya Princess. Premiering April 12th on HBO and HBO Max with new episodes every Sunday. We are supported by quints. Your wardrobe should make getting dressed effortless. But building a thoughtful wardrobe can feel impossible, especially when quality outfits cost an arm and a leg. That's the beauty of quints. Their everyday essentials mix well from season to season and last. I've been building my collection with their pieces and it's transformed how I get dressed every day. Clothing that's rated between 4.5 and 5 stars by thousands of people. Polos, sweaters, pants and shorts made of premium materials like Mongolian cashmere and European linen without the luxury price tag.

[Monica Padman]

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[Dax Shepard]

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[Monica Padman]

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[Dax Shepard]

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[Nikki Glaser]

He's an.

[Dax Shepard]

First of all. 3:30 hard out. So exciting. Where do we have to be at 3:30?

[Nikki Glaser]

It's relaxed. It's like 3:45, 3:50.

[Dax Shepard]

But where are you going?

[Nikki Glaser]

I'm going to the Jennifer Hudson show.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay. And what time do they kick off?

[Nikki Glaser]

They kick off. I think I have to be there to, like, re glam and do a changeover and then practice my spirit tunnel dance.

[Dax Shepard]

Different wig.

[Nikki Glaser]

Different. Exactly.

[Dax Shepard]

Remove the lace front, put in a new one.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yo, you know all the words. No, these extensions are staying in.

[Dax Shepard]

Have you done Jennifer Hudson before?

[Nikki Glaser]

No. I've been dreading being asked to do it because of that damn spirit tunnel. Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

And you know, Nikki had a whole sketch on SNL about the spirit tunnel. So there's layers upon layers.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes. So the spirit tunnel, it's the big draw of the show. It gets more views than anything any other daytime talk show online is these clips before you go on, you walk out of your green room into the hallway and all the producers are on the sides and they're all clapping and doing a song that they wrote about you. It's like personalized song and you have to walk through it and like, do a dance and some people just nail it.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, sure.

[Nikki Glaser]

Exactly. That's who I'm thinking.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, you watch it over and over again.

[Nikki Glaser]

So good. I watched Brittany Snows today and she was like, so perfect. Wasn't trying too hard, but still, like, looked good. Just a lot of anxiety. I like, have practiced some things. Cause here's the thing, you know, when you go into snl, I didn't want to bring in any, like, fully formed sketches, but I was like, I had some ideas and my idea was a pharmaceutical ad for a pill you take that helps you deal with the anxiety and depression you face ahead of Jennifer Hudson spirit tunnel. You know, are you feeling depressed? Are you not enjoying the things you once loved? It's like me staring out of a window with rain and just, you know, typical pharmaceutical ad. And then it's like, have you recently been booked on the Jennifer Hudson show? And so it's this drug. You take that. If so take this drug and it will make you so sick that you have to cancel.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, that's a great cry.

[Nikki Glaser]

It was really from watching those being like, I'm so glad they haven't asked me to do it, because I would probably say yes. Because I don't like missing out on things that could be fun. Because I'm scared of looking stupid.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

And so I force myself to do it. And then I. I'm dreading it. The dread ages me. I feel like I lose years of my life with the anxiety.

[Dax Shepard]

How was your sleep last night? Was it troubled?

[Nikki Glaser]

Not great. You know, like, actually, it was troubled. Like in the morning as I was waking up. I woke up instantly with this dread.

[Dax Shepard]

I got a dance in the tunnel today.

[Nikki Glaser]

And then it's gonna stay online forever.

[Dax Shepard]

Cause let's really break it down. I go, yeah, dancing. I'm very comfortable dancing. That part's fine. But what will my face be doing?

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, I have no idea.

[Dax Shepard]

What's my face gonna be doing? My body knows what to do if it hears music. But what is my face doing?

[Nikki Glaser]

You're adding to my anxiety. I don't even consider a face.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm gonna be the personification of that pill.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay.

[Dax Shepard]

Secondly, here would be my real issue with it. And this overlaps with something that happens on sets, which is when the actor raps at the end of a production, they go, let's hear it for so and so. And all these people who have actually been working, carrying cable and building fucking C stands, they have to clap for you because you got the most amount of money and you work the least amount.

[Nikki Glaser]

It's humiliating.

[Dax Shepard]

I hate it.

[Nikki Glaser]

I just wrapped my first movie ever and went through that. And I was like, it was 7 o' clock in the morning. We had done all night shoots for the past two weeks. I was like, everyone wants to go home. We're in Vegas and they gotta stand and clap, clap. And then it's like, speech. And like, no one wants to hear me talk.

[Dax Shepard]

You were at least the lead, right?

[Monica Padman]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

I just did, like, four episodes of a show and I was barely there. And they clapped me out. And I was like, I'm so embarrassed. Embarrassed to have you all have to stop and do this. I did the least amount that anyone here did.

[Monica Padman]

I know.

[Nikki Glaser]

Do you sense that the crew resents the stars? Or do you think that they're so used to it that it's almost like we are being selfish in thinking that they're even thinking that way about us? Or maybe they actually are, like, well, we couldn't do this without you, like, all things.

[Dax Shepard]

I don't think it's either or. I think there's a spectrum. So, yeah, some of the actors, like Peter Krause is the most loved actor by. They genuinely. He's going to baseball games with guys who do craft service. Like, so when they click, they're like, fuck, yeah. My buddy Peter, who's so great to me.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

I'd say that's the exception. Most of the time I'm like, oh, this guy who's already fucking arrogant. We're gonna clap for this guy.

[Nikki Glaser]

I hope they sense that we understand how ridiculous. I do, too. Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

You want the Germans to know, like, he doesn't represent me. It's that same, kind of totally. Do you know? It's clear, right?

[Nikki Glaser]

Perfect comparison, per usual. Just nail on the head metaphor. No, but you're right. A lot of times on set, there's always a chair for you as the star, but there's not a chair for anyone else who might not have to be standing right now. And they all have to stand. I just don't sit. Cause that's feels ridiculous to me.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, so back to the spirit tunnel. So rung three on the panic thing for me would be like, these people that don't know who I am having to clap and sing for me.

[Nikki Glaser]

I would want to say they're on camera. And I think they like it.

[Monica Padman]

They do like it.

[Dax Shepard]

Great.

[Nikki Glaser]

And they've come up with the song. And I think because they're on camera and maybe not all of them like to be on camera, I don't like to assume that everyone enjoys that. Like, they get a little glory in it. Yeah. Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

What are we talking about?

[Nikki Glaser]

Isn't it funny? When I first got into this, or I guess it started in high school of being like, I want to be on TV someday, or I want to be famous. And my friends were just like, I have no interest in that. I would just be like, how? It would be like hearing someone say, I don't like food or, I don't like music.

[Dax Shepard]

I wouldn't want to win the lottery.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes. But some people don't want the spotlight at all. They don't have friends that don't even want to get married because they're like, I don't want to have everyone watch me walk down the aisle.

[Dax Shepard]

That's fair. But how about if you offered it this way? You go, no, I'm talking 50s movie star. Like, you just are adored from afar, and you don't actually have to feel the eyes. Don't you want the world to adore you.

[Nikki Glaser]

I think some people don't care about strangers liking them. How healthy. And that is healthy. And I don't understand it. And I may never.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, let me ask you this. I have improved on that. Have you improved or where are you at in your cycle?

[Nikki Glaser]

Thinking back when I used to say, like, I want to be famous. That doesn't resonate with me anymore. I hate the whole story of like, guys, I'm famous. It's not what you think. It's really bad. I don't like that kind of narrative, but it is kind of true. It's not that it's bad. I really love it. You get so many perks. But I used to always, as a child dream of going to a restaurant and having people like, is that Nikki Glaser? I would die for that. And now that makes me not uncomfortable. Like, I want privacy. It's just. I know I don't deserve that. Please stop. This is embarrassing for me because I know that I can't live up to what you think it is. I don't like the attention in that way because I've had a big kind of couple years.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, big. Come on.

[Nikki Glaser]

And you know, even hugely famous people are like, you're famous right now. Like, you're killing it.

[Dax Shepard]

What can I tell you? My wife just said to me, I said, I was interviewing you to my 12 year old, soon to be 13 year old daughter. Two different times. She's like, you're interviewing Nikki Glaser this week. And I'm like, yeah. And then so Kristen said to me, she goes, you know, Lincoln has brought up to me like two or three times that you're interviewing Nikki Glaser. And I'm trying to compute what she's consuming because I don't have to stand up. And I go, well, honey, she watched the Golden Globes because we were there and she's the host of this fucking thing.

[Nikki Glaser]

So yeah, that. Okay.

[Dax Shepard]

And she's a comedian and she's a female and you don't get to see a lot of those. And she's like, yeah, I guess that's it. I was just wondering.

[Nikki Glaser]

Please ask her. I would love to know where I'm getting that demo.

[Dax Shepard]

She's pretty goddamn animated by the fact that you're here this week.

[Nikki Glaser]

That is so heartening.

[Dax Shepard]

She really doesn't care for people.

[Monica Padman]

She also loves snl, so maybe she.

[Nikki Glaser]

Young kids watch that. That's why I say yes to so many different things, is because you want to be able to reach all the different demos. You never know where people are going to see you. But that means so much to me. But back to Jennifer Hudson. I also was just dancing. Are you a dancer? Do you like dancing? Like, at a party?

[Monica Padman]

I'm, like, half dancing. I'm too afraid to go all out

[Nikki Glaser]

where everyone would be watching you, and you're the only one dancing.

[Dax Shepard]

Isn't that, like, a circle?

[Nikki Glaser]

Hell no.

[Dax Shepard]

Monica, it's your birthday.

[Nikki Glaser]

Literally, my. Literally, my hell.

[Monica Padman]

Hell, no.

[Nikki Glaser]

Like, when people at a wedding are, like, clearing up the floor because they want to do the worm or something like that is so humiliating to me. I know. And I was voted off Dancing with the Stars first when I did that show. And I knew I couldn't dance when I signed up for it, but I didn't really know. It was almost like I'd never dance. So I was like, maybe I'm great, and I'll find out. And I didn't even try to do anything before I showed up the first day. So I walk in, and my partner is just, you know, this stunning man. Gleb Sevchenko.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, tell me that name again.

[Nikki Glaser]

Gleb Sevchenko.

[Dax Shepard]

Built for sex.

[Nikki Glaser]

He is as hot as his name is disgusting. He is one of the most beautiful people I've ever been around, where we would go out to get coffee and people would just go, you're so handsome. Like, he gets it so much that he's like. Yeah, he knows how to handle it. Almost like a famous person, but with his beauty.

[Dax Shepard]

Is he straight?

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

How are you feeling around him?

[Nikki Glaser]

So terrified to do the show. I just love being around beautiful people, and he's so beautiful that it's not even registering. I could get this guy, and he's married. But even if he makes you more confident, it makes me calmer.

[Dax Shepard]

You've ruled him out as a.

[Nikki Glaser]

It's like being with a gay guy. Like, he's not looking at me as a sexual object because I'm not in any kind of realm.

[Dax Shepard]

I've noticed this arc with Monica. It's like, she can be so cocky with Brad Pitt. Immediately confident.

[Monica Padman]

Like, it's not an option.

[Nikki Glaser]

Cause she's just, like, considering me.

[Monica Padman]

He's not considering.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes. You don't have to be nervous around him. There's nothing to lose because you've already lost. There's nothing to stick.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Then there's a guy that there could be a love connection, and I'm like, bring that Brad Pitt energy.

[Nikki Glaser]

No, you can't.

[Monica Padman]

No.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, I'm horrible around anyone. I could actually have potential with.

[Monica Padman]

Yes. Thank you.

[Nikki Glaser]

I can't look at them. I'm really quiet. They always think I hate them.

[Monica Padman]

Right.

[Nikki Glaser]

And I'm so bad at flirting. But so I walked in and I saw his eyes light up because he didn't know who I was. But you could see he was like, this looks like a dancer. I have, like, a ballerina type kind of. Like, at the time, I was really, really thin.

[Dax Shepard]

When you're stationary, you're very elegant. In a still photo, you look so

[Nikki Glaser]

graceful with a very high shutter speed. I am so graceful. And I could see him like, okay, because he's never won the show and he doesn't know who his partner's going to be. It's kind of revealed. We walk in and meet like a love is blind. Like, ugh. For the cameras, we just had to do a little thing, the smallest thing. And I saw the hope drain from his face instantly. Like, he knew before I knew.

[Dax Shepard]

He's like, I got a dance. I got a stinker.

[Nikki Glaser]

He was like, we're not going to make it far. We tried.

[Dax Shepard]

Did they want to make it far? Did they get paid more? Like, are they incentivized to go, oh,

[Nikki Glaser]

yeah, you know, more screen time, more character development. You know, they're building a brand and he deserves to go far. He was so great. But it was one of the most humiliating moments of my life, is getting voted off that show first, even though

[Dax Shepard]

you had told yourself you didn't care.

[Nikki Glaser]

I did care. And they kind of warp your mind in there because you don't do anything except dance your whole life clears out.

[Dax Shepard]

They love bomb you.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes. In. In more ways than one. Like, I got love bombed on that show aggressively. And then when I got voted off, I was crying to my friends, like, I just, like, miss dancing. Like, I'm a dancer. And they're like, what the hell? Like, you never dance in your life because it's all you do for a month, for like five hours a day. You kind of get the hang of it. And I'm like, if I work hard at something, I can get good. So I was just about to get past the place of I can kind of get a grasp on this.

[Dax Shepard]

Can you quantify it for me? If you started at what number out of 10 and where did you land out of 10?

[Nikki Glaser]

0 to 2.1.

[Dax Shepard]

But that's a huge improvement.

[Nikki Glaser]

A 10 being like, okay.

[Dax Shepard]

Like, you know, like, I was not passable.

[Nikki Glaser]

You know, I could put on a dance that would entertain people.

[Dax Shepard]

Like, if you got Married. And you did this dance at your wedding party.

[Nikki Glaser]

It would impress people. And I think that's what Dancing with the Stars should be about is, you know, obviously you have the really good dancers or figure skaters or people who grew up dancing, killing it. But then you have the people that are so bad at it. Andy Richter went so far this year and he was a terrible dancer. You get to see him actually kind of get the hang of it by the fourth dance and you start to pick up on stuff and have fun and character development. And that was the other thing that hurt about it was that it wasn't about just getting voted off. Cause you're a bad dancer, which was a part of it. It's about ABC is developing talent. And they're like, do we want to work with you? Does our audience like you?

[Dax Shepard]

Who they responded to?

[Monica Padman]

They didn't.

[Nikki Glaser]

It was kind of like a rejection from America. Cause America votes ABC as a corporation and the dancing community. And so when I was plucked out

[Dax Shepard]

of there, the dancing at large, and

[Nikki Glaser]

they forgot to invite me to the finale where they'd have everyone back. Just didn't get an invite. I had to talk to my friend who was still in it and be like, can I be your plus one? And they were like, oh, yeah, come back.

[Dax Shepard]

Wait, Mickey, what year was this?

[Nikki Glaser]

2018.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, it was a while.

[Nikki Glaser]

It was a while ago.

[Dax Shepard]

Eight years ago today.

[Monica Padman]

They're upset.

[Nikki Glaser]

Well, I would love to get back in there. If they did a Dancing with the Stars losers season where it was all people who got voted off first or second. Great first round losers, I would definitely do it again. It was so fun. But, you know, I was crying every day. Broke my body. Like, I still have injuries from it. It was so fun. Care about something so trivial and to, like, try something new and see. Oh, I think I kind of am getting good at this thing. I had no ability at. It was awesome.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. How long were you sad about it? How long did the depression.

[Nikki Glaser]

Probably like a month or so. I was kind of embarrassed and then embarrassed to be around comedians who were already like, you're doing Dancing with the Stars. And you go, yeah, and I'm going to show you. I'm going to have fun and I'm going to have a good appearance even if I'm bad. And then they're like, no, you didn't. It was really helpful to me because I realized that that was like the most embarrassing thing that could happen on the show after my first dance. They kind of tell you the whole show is about believing in yourself. And so after you finish the dance, as long as you don't fall, be like, I did it. I'm a dancer. Say something like that. They're kind of telling you, be family friendly and positive. And so I finished this dance and they're like, how do you feel? You know, Tom Bergeron? And I'm like, I'm a dancer. And I said it sarcastically because I don't really. But I was like, I guess I'm a dancer, Tom. And then Len Goodman, the like, mean judge, was like, no, you are not. Oh, my God. You looked like a struggling bab horse. Like, so mean. And I was just like, oh. And I looked so stupid to be like, I'm a dancer. They took it seriously. It was so embarrassing.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, this is.

[Dax Shepard]

But the gift. You lived.

[Nikki Glaser]

I lived. And it doesn't matter. And it's a funny story now.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, now you have a story.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes. After that, I was like, say yes to anything. Because I was not going to do it because I'm like, I can't dance. There's nothing scarier to me than dancing in front of people. But I was like, I'm going to be 50. And I know the person I want to be at 50 is going to be like, I'll do Dancing with the Stars. I plan on being that woman who's like, who cares? When I'm 50 and they ask me to do the show, my body's not gonna be able to move as well. So just do it now and be the person you wanna be. And like, do something fun. And just never turn down something cause you're scared of looking dumb or cringe.

[Dax Shepard]

But you will not get to that mental state without doing it. You can't just land there. You got to go embarrass yourself. And then you wake up two months later and you're like, oh, yeah. And that's over. And I lived. I don't know about you.

[Nikki Glaser]

It was funny.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm learning that you were on Dance You.

[Nikki Glaser]

Exactly. No one cares. It's something that I can bring up and it's just a fun. I did the masked singer.

[Monica Padman]

You did the masked singer too?

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, my God. I really recommend that if they offer it to you, do it. It's not a heavy lift. Do it.

[Dax Shepard]

Don't think about it.

[Nikki Glaser]

And if you're a bad singer, do it. Because you're only you on the show for 10 seconds. When you take the mask off, no one goes, oh, that was her singing. Those last songs, they don't connect it. So you are just A piece of bread or an avocado? Were you a sushi roll? I was a snowflake.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, that's neat.

[Nikki Glaser]

And so you don't have to dance because your costume's so cumbersome. So it's not fun. Forced to learn any choreo and you just sing a dumb song and you're allowed to be bad and it's kind of freeing.

[Dax Shepard]

And the people, guess who's in there?

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Who are they guessing?

[Nikki Glaser]

Like Michelle Obama.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow, that's flattering.

[Nikki Glaser]

Not me.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, no.

[Nikki Glaser]

I mean, no, they guessed like Sabrina Carpenter. Like, they didn't really think that I was her. I think the judges are told to. They're corralling them so that when it airs, people are like, is it possible? Ariana Grande's.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, I see.

[Dax Shepard]

And do they get those folks to participate occasionally when the mask comes off, is it Patti LaBelle or. That's a terrible reference.

[Nikki Glaser]

Maybe it's an A lister. When they're in their 60s or 70s, they'll get a big name, but it's always someone that's on the way up or on the way down. Like, I don't think they get a list talent, but it's still a very popular show and it's really, really fun. I always recommend that one to other celebrities.

[Dax Shepard]

This is great. Now, again, I just learned that you weren't Dancing with the Stars, but certainly if you and I had met for the first time two weeks after you got kicked off, you'd be convinced I had seen you get embarrassed, right?

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes, I would be convinced you knew about it. And I would be like, oh, my God. He probably looked up the dances and watched it. The fact that they exist online is so humiliating to me. But you know what? The fact that my standup exists online humiliates me. And I'm talking about my special that's coming out April 24th on Hulu. Can I be honest? I don't want anyone to watch that. I want it to exist.

[Dax Shepard]

Too late. I watched it.

[Nikki Glaser]

It's so personal. I put out stand up specials because that's what you do. But if I could really never put out stand up, I would just only perform it live for an audience that is not recording it. And if they want to remember anything I said, it's like hearsay that I can always deny that I said what I said. And so when people are like, I watched your special, I change the subject so quick. Or I go, no, why would you do that? You know,

[Dax Shepard]

coming to see you live,

[Nikki Glaser]

totally not like people I know like, you guys, I'd be like, oh, God, now I have to be really good.

[Dax Shepard]

We did a live show in Detroit, which I thought initially it was like, oh, this would be so fun coming home. And no, I hated it. So many people I knew were there, and I'm like, oh, my God. I'm reminded that I'm just a dude from Milford, Michigan. You did your special in St. Louis.

[Nikki Glaser]

I did. I don't know if you do this, but you're projecting that not your loved ones, but maybe your friends from high school or, like, kind of people you knew just around that are coming to the show are coming to go. Like, I want to watch him not succeed, and, like, I want to see how bad this actually is, and they're kind of rooting against you. And I got to admit that me thinking that someone would think them about me is coming from a place of. I've thought that before about people I jealous of. It's, like, always what you fear people think of you is probably what you have thought before.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. Your estimation of others matches perfectly your truth about yourself.

[Nikki Glaser]

So I have to admit that I've rooted against people I'm jealous of. So I think they're doing that to me, and which they probably are, because it's a very common thing. It doesn't mean you're a bad person. It just means you're insecure. And I recently have let a lot of that go. I really try to root for everyone and force myself to, even though it's going against what I feel, because it's just good karma and it's just the right thing to do.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, and it rewires your brain. If we want to get technical, the contrary action actually creates a different neural network, and you're more prone to use that one. And guess what? Your view of the world's much better, and you benefit. Weirdly, it's not really an extension of kindness to them because you ultimately are the one that will be better.

[Nikki Glaser]

I even say that being like, I'm selfish to even practice these things because I'm wanting the karma.

[Dax Shepard]

You want relief from suffering.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes. It feels good to me. It's the same way when I give gifts to people or help friends out financially, and they're always like, this is so generous. And I go, literally, this is how I get off. I have to tell you, it's kind of selfish of me because I really feel good when I give. And that's not to say, hit me up on Venmo strangers, which happens sometimes. But I always am telling People, please let me do this, because this is how I get self esteem, is helping out gets more for me. And that sounds like something you just say, but it really does for me.

[Dax Shepard]

And then conversely, the thing I wanted to point out about when you're depressed over Dancing with the Stars and we would have met and you would have thought I would have known, what's helpful to me is, like, once I linked, and not on my own through aa, once I linked that. That self loathing is as megalomaniacal as self aggrandizement.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, absolutely.

[Dax Shepard]

Because you have elevated yourself in a way when you're so embarrassed and you think everyone knows, like, you've made yourself way more boring.

[Nikki Glaser]

I'm not thinking about you.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Nikki Glaser]

And that's almost more sad.

[Dax Shepard]

That's acceptable. Like, you don't beat yourself up over that self indulgence, but you should feel equally guilty about that as aggrandizement.

[Nikki Glaser]

And I do. I've been quoting this a lot recently because I don't read comments about myself. I don't read reviews. I don't want feedback about anything I do because I can't handle it. I'm too insecure because the good isn't good enough and all of that, and the bad is devastating. So I've been sober from any comments or purposeful reading about any critique or take on my work since 2018. I think. I think Dancing with the Stars was when I was like, I'm out.

[Dax Shepard]

That was your bottom.

[Nikki Glaser]

I don't hear anything good either. I think my dad read me one Golden Globes review because I had him read it first. And I said, is there any but?

[Monica Padman]

But?

[Nikki Glaser]

Like, I know it was all good, but if there's a but, don't read it to me. And he was like, there's no but. So he read to me. And that was like the first time I had gotten any positive feedback. So I don't read good and I don't read bad. So it's good because when people are like, you're killing it. I'm not reading what they're reading. That's telling them that.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Nikki Glaser]

Or I'm not looking at my own Instagram that Sometimes I do look at my Instagram and I'm like, you're gorgeous and killing it and look at you. I'm like, I get jealous of myself sometimes. It's such a lie. I mean, it's always when I have bronzer on my tits. That's the truth. No, but it totally is. Because it's when I have hair Extensions in. It's when I have eyelash extensions. I have a light that costs $1,500 that my assistant.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, you just figure out a way to add the butt.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes, I do.

[Dax Shepard]

I may have said this the first time we interviewed you, but I gotta find it. I'll send it to you. It's from Garrison Keillor, and it's this thing he wrote. Remember Garrison Keiller Perry Home Companion? And it's his journey with faux humility. I turn down the compliments, and I do this. And he goes, but in truth, I don't want to just be adored. I want to be a sun God that you worship. The truth is, you tell yourself, I want to be on this magazine cover. I want to be in the. No. What we want, all of us in a sickness. We want to be a fucking sun God that people are bowing, literally, and then you're worshiping. So there's no satiating.

[Nikki Glaser]

But you can't get to be a sun God without so many people hating you, too.

[Dax Shepard]

Exactly.

[Nikki Glaser]

There's no one that's universally adored. Besides Betty White, I guess, is the closest I can think of.

[Dax Shepard]

Tom Hanks pretty much even.

[Nikki Glaser]

There's some kind of whispers of like, maybe he's not.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, there's gonna be something.

[Nikki Glaser]

He and Bet Betty White are the closest that I can think to just universally adored. Betty White probably wasn't until she was an old lady that no one felt threatened by, to be honest with you.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Taylor Swift has insecurity. She doesn't feel like a sun God, you know, Even though she.

[Nikki Glaser]

Clearly closest that I can think of. That kind of worship where her fans, I. E. Me.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

Same won't even say, like, this album's my second favorite. It's like they're all tens. You can rank them, but they're all the best.

[Monica Padman]

They're all 10, but you can't even

[Nikki Glaser]

rank them, because that would be sacrilegious.

[Monica Padman]

I loved your ranking of the song for this past album.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, that's fun to do.

[Monica Padman]

I was maybe gonna do it to meet you there, but then I didn't.

[Nikki Glaser]

I would have loved to see yours. I love talking about Taylor Swift.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, I loved her list. I loved her list.

[Nikki Glaser]

Father Figure. Oh, yeah.

[Monica Padman]

That's my favorite.

[Nikki Glaser]

Fate of Ophelia.

[Monica Padman]

It also grew on me, that album. At first I was like, I don't know. And then I was like, the answer

[Nikki Glaser]

to all of this with anything that at first. And I will say it's just music for me at least, is that I just don't know it yet. That's it. I am never going to love anything from the first listen. I can think of maybe, like, three songs in my life. Maybe more than that. That you. Shazam. Cause you're like, this is gonna be my favorite song. My favorite songs ever are not that for me. They always grow on me. So I can never listen to an album right away and have a take ever. Ever.

[Dax Shepard]

That's the fun of an album. You come for this song and then you stay for these, like, four others that over time.

[Monica Padman]

But we live in a world, especially around Taylor Swift, where it's like five minutes after the album drops. You need an opinion.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. And people had it.

[Monica Padman]

You canyon. Oh. And people have embarrassed.

[Nikki Glaser]

And they're all, like, taking it back now because it grew on them and they love it so much. I love to see that happen. And I think she does a really good job of not paying attention to it anymore either. I just worked with Kim Kardashian on this movie, and she is someone that is really good at not letting that stuff in. I would mention something to her that I had heard because we became really good friends, and she'd be like, I don't know what you're talking about. And it would be like a thing that was everywhere.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Nikki Glaser]

And it's not even like she's trying to keep it away or has people persuaded. She just doesn't.

[Monica Padman]

She's just living her life.

[Dax Shepard]

She's not tuned in.

[Nikki Glaser]

She obviously cares what people think about her. We all do. But for some reason, I think that it just becomes so much that you have to drown it out. It's like exposure therapy of so many people's opinions about me. If I responded to all of them or let them in, I would be dead. So you just kind of go, mm, I didn't even hear about that. I'm like, the biggest thing, like, I'll tell you after the show what it was. It was something where I was like, I'm so sorry. I just brought that up to you. I thought you would have had to go to intense therapy about that.

[Monica Padman]

It happened the other day. I ran into somebody and. And I won't say who, but she was like, how are you guys? Are you guys okay? Meaning us? And I was like, yeah. And then later I was like, what a loaded question. God, I wonder what that meant. That must have meant something.

[Nikki Glaser]

And that's how I find out about stuff, too. Is always like, your friends go, listen, I'm in your corner on this one. And I go, about what? Yeah, I Go, I wouldn't know what's going on. And actually, it's none of my business. Thanks for supporting me, but I wouldn't know about this unless you told me.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah, that's the dangers, because I remain very oblivious, and it's always people reaching out to console me or offer support. Oh, my God, I didn't even know. And then it got to this point where I got nervous my family was gonna start defending me online. So I did kind of a blanket text to everyone in the family, like, hey, I know everyone's there for me. There's no need to ever defend me. I'm great.

[Nikki Glaser]

Blah, blah, blah. Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

And then so my mom called me, and she goes, I'm proud of what they're saying. And I go, that people think I abused Kristen. And she goes, oh, what's that? No, the thing about freezing your daughter's eggs. I'm like, wait a minute. That's a story.

[Nikki Glaser]

That's the thing. Now I know I'm in trouble, saying

[Dax Shepard]

I would offer to pay for my daughter, but it was just such a comedy of errors. Like, she didn't know about that thing.

[Nikki Glaser]

Both of those were the dumbest thing. But you think she's talking about another thing, and you're like, oh, there's another.

[Dax Shepard]

Now we're both informing each other these other attacks. And I'm like, this is a disaster.

[Nikki Glaser]

No, I was really thinking the other day, if I got canceled, I don't think I would know about it. I scroll and I see my names, but I have, like, my name blocked on Reddit. I have my name blocked on Instagram. It doesn't show up in my feed anymore. So I think I would not know. And if you don't know, it literally wouldn't affect your life. Because here's the thing. I remember I was talking to a comedian that had been very, very canceled, and it was like a year or so after their cancellation. And I remember he had told some anecdote to a bunch of comedians that he was shopping with his kids, and a woman, like, whispered in his ear, you fucking disgusting p. And then didn't even see it. And he was kind of alarmed and taken aback. I had empathy for that to happen to anyone. And I was like, now, how often is this happening to you? And he was like, that's the only time. And I go, like, this week? And he goes, ever. It's mainly autographs and pictures. He was like, no one says anything in public. So if he wasn't told by his publicist and wasn't online, he would never know because people will never say it to your face. It's only online where you're canceled.

[Dax Shepard]

You're reminded. You go like, oh, yeah, I don't bump into anybody in the world in

[Nikki Glaser]

real life that would ever comment in the way they comment online.

[Dax Shepard]

And they reminded, oh, it's not real, but it's wild.

[Monica Padman]

Mine is people who have lost their jobs. That has happened. Okay, that. So I guess you would find out that way.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

When security handed you that box. Yeah, but I don't read comments.

[Nikki Glaser]

And they're like, we don't even have a desk here. And they're like, but we did pack it up and here's your fired box that everyone gets.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, I want to go back to the ego for one half second, please. I think once you acknowledge to yourself that the ego knows no satiation, it can't happen. You actually can't fill the cup up so, you know, just better. And then the id, like the terrible shadow in you that wants to destroy you and thinks you're a piece of shit, that's not valid either. So you really should be like, you're saying you need to be in the middle.

[Nikki Glaser]

I think Harry Styles had a quote about, like, any trolls online, any bad stuff you read about yourself is bullshit. And so is the good stuff. It's equally as bullshit. I was like, that's so true. Because you can go like, this guy is just a guy in his mom's basement, like, and what a loser. But the guy saying good stuff about you is probably a loser in his mom's basement too. So why.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, no, that guy's a genius.

[Nikki Glaser]

That guy actually gets it.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, he's like the competitor version of being in his mom's basement, you know?

[Nikki Glaser]

And even people I respect who have suddenly been like, oh, my God, you're killing it. And they say how great I am. I can even convince myself, like, oh, they're just seeing the glowy version. They're seeing the Golden Globes. This polished thing that I worked on so hard with a lot of help, I go, that wasn't actually me. I can always kind of of argue it away, deflect it.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, I do want you to work on that. I want you to be able to hear from us that you killed it

[Nikki Glaser]

at the Golden Globe. Thank you.

[Dax Shepard]

And Jon Stewart's compliment got to you.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes. And I know, but if we're talking about ego and what is mean, maybe we got into this before. Forgive me if I'm repeating myself from my last appearance, but I Just don't believe in free will. And I don't believe that I have chosen to be a hard worker. I have chosen to be funny. I didn't choose anything that I got. So the fact that people are like, you work so hard and you killed it, and I'm like, all of it's luck. I didn't choose to have a brain that worked hard. I didn't choose to have parents that supported my crazy career and led to all this.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, you have a dad sitting in the front row of your standup while you talk about your vagina. You got blessed with that dad that could sit there. I was thinking, I'm gonna be that kind of dad, too.

[Nikki Glaser]

You absolutely are that dad, and I

[Dax Shepard]

can't wait to be that kind of dad. But you got lucky that you got that kind of dad.

[Nikki Glaser]

I was so lucky. I was unlucky in some ways in life, but I don't internalize it. Like, I'm so special. Like, I'm special because I'm a human and I'm born. But it's not me who did any of this. It's just. However I turned my brain chemistry and nature and nurture made me special. I didn't pick myself up from my bootstraps and people counted me out, and I said, I'm gonna do it. Even if I did do that, the person that goes, I'm gonna do this. I didn't choose to be that. When some people get mad at a drug addict who's homeless and they go, he should do something about. He should get help and pick himself up. And then they go, well, this other drug addict did it, and he was even worse than him. It's like, well, he has a different brain. So maybe he had a little part of his brain or a little bit of nurturing in his childhood that he could reflect upon that that guy didn't have. So you can't expect that guy to do that just because they. Drug addicts.

[Dax Shepard]

Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert if you dare. We are supported by Allstate. Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking the pockets of your jeans before doing laundry. Classic oversight. That mystery clunking in the dryer. Yeah, that was your lip balm's final moments. And somehow there's always one random receipt in there to dissolve into container confetti. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions and availability. Allstate North America Insurance Company Affiliates Northbrook, Illinois we are supported by hp. My mental to do list is already full. Fix something around the house. Refill prescriptions. Remember to text someone back. Keep track of a million little life things. The last last thing I want on that list is. Oh, don't forget printer ink.

[Nikki Glaser]

No, it's horrible.

[Dax Shepard]

It's the bane of everyone's existence. What if you could just take that off your list for years? The dream that's the idea behind the HP Smart Tank printer from America's Most Trusted Printer brand. Instead of those tiny cartridges that always seem to run out at the worst time, the HP Smart Tank uses a refillable ink tank, and it comes with up to three years of ink included. It's built to be simple, the easiest tank printer you'll ever use. Use with the best print quality. Period. It's the last printer you'll ever need. You know right before a trip when you're trying to print out a reservation or itinerary and you realize you haven't touched your printer in months? This is the kind of thing that's just ready when you are. If you want to take one more thing off your mental to do list, Search for HP Smart Tank this episode is brought to you by Apple there's nothing like your first Mac. When I got mine, I remember opening up up and immediately feeling like, oh, this just makes sense. Everything felt intuitive and instead of fumbling around trying to figure it out, I could just get right into what I was doing. Writing, creating, getting things done. It all felt easy in a way that really stuck with me. That's how I felt with my first Mac. How will you check out the all new MacBook Neo, an amazing Mac at a surprising price. Find out more on apple.com Mac back. We are supported by Klarna. Here's something nobody tells you when you become an adult. Paying for things gets weirdly complicated. Like nobody sat you down and explained how to actually manage cash flow when life doesn't line up perfectly with your paycheck. If you've ever wanted more flexibility in how to pay without the stress or confusion of traditional credit, this is worth knowing about. Klarna lets you pay now, pay later, or pay over time, and the whole thing is built around transparency. You see exactly what you owe and when. No hidden fees, no mystery math. It's about flexibility that fits real life, giving you options for how and when you pay without surprises. It works across all kinds of purchases, things like groceries, travel, tech and everything. Is managed in one place in the app, so you're not juggling a bunch of different accounts. And get this, you can also unlock cash back in deals just by shopping through Klarna, which is honestly a nice bonus when you're already buying something anyway. The whole point is to give you options and keep you in control of your budget without the pressure. Download the Klarna app or visit klarna.com to learn more. That's Klarna K L A R N A.com CA resident loans made or arranged pursuant to a California Finance Law License NMLS Number 1353190 Klarna Balance Account required to be eligible for cash back points. Limitations, terms and conditions apply. Well, the misleading part is, it is true that hard work leads to X.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

And I have demonstrated hard work. But also, for whatever reason, I'm capable of hard work.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, you got the ability to work.

[Nikki Glaser]

Hard work is a talent that you were gifted with.

[Dax Shepard]

Exactly. Just like anything else, wrestling myself into submission to do hard work.

[Nikki Glaser]

I don't know if this resonates with you, but I didn't know that hard work was a talent I could be proud of because I was always ashamed when people would say, congratulations on your success because you deserve it, because you work so hard. I always took that as a dig of really talented. But you stuck it out long enough, we all could be you, but we didn't wake up early enough.

[Dax Shepard]

But again, that's you finding shit no matter what.

[Nikki Glaser]

Wait, then people who are just naturally talented, you go, you're so talented. And they don't get praised about working hard. And then they feel bad that they don't work hard.

[Dax Shepard]

They want to be the hardest worker and the one with the most talent and everything.

[Nikki Glaser]

I don't want to be Sun God anymore. I just want to be happy.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, now back to one part. And I think it's what Monica's approaching. So I'm fine with your whole program. Unless this is something that I discovered in therapy. The therapist is like, do you make yourself smaller for other people? Anything that I get, that's great. If someone says, like, oh, man, you got a 4 GT, there's a wait list. My first reaction is like, oh, yeah. But then you got to put this fucking $7,000 wrap on it. And it's such a pain. Like, I have to diminish that because I feel guilty I have this thing and the other person doesn't. I know they would want it.

[Nikki Glaser]

I do that all the time. But I think it's the right thing to do.

[Dax Shepard]

I don't think it is. I don't think you need to be adjusting yourself out of fear of how that other person's gonna feel about it. And the word that he used that broke through for me is he said there's a difference between being arrogant and being presidential. Like, think how you think of the word excluding recent history. What presidential means with a lowercase P. I have this role and I walk tall and I represent my country with pride. I don't make myself small.

[Nikki Glaser]

Women can't be president. I can't even begin to picture what that is. I think that's what's holding me back from even relating to that kind of word.

[Dax Shepard]

So how about this? Chancellor esque. You have to be a German chance.

[Nikki Glaser]

Secretary of state. I think that's the highest Vice president. Secretary.

[Monica Padman]

Just stop there.

[Nikki Glaser]

That's why they let the women have that role so often. They're like the words in it made

[Monica Padman]

of the state, but that's actually telling. There is something that I don't think I'll speak for both of us can necessarily relate to because that is not a skill that women have been told is good.

[Dax Shepard]

You could look at Andrea Markle and you can envision what that woman was.

[Nikki Glaser]

I don't even know what she looks like.

[Dax Shepard]

A tall, regal, German.

[Nikki Glaser]

German chancellor.

[Dax Shepard]

Confident in charge. Not arrogant, masculine.

[Nikki Glaser]

Not a braggy, but like masculine. I don't want to be that.

[Dax Shepard]

No, I.

[Nikki Glaser]

Because it's not soft and feminine. I've never looked up to women in politics because I'm like, I don't want to wear pants, suits.

[Monica Padman]

We've been trained that that's.

[Nikki Glaser]

And that men don't want to fuck. That. If men want to fuck you, then that's when you get good stuff. Exactly. Let's be clear. Not getting. I don't want that, but I want the things that they give you when they want to. Yeah, that's right. I will make people maybe feel better. I will say things that are true about what sucks about the thing I got. Not just to say it. I will say. But here's the other side of things. But I'm not going to lie about what I have anymore. These are just facts. I'm hosting the Golden Globes again. I'm telling that to a friend who is trying to get by. That sucks to tell them. I realized the disparity. But I'm like, well, it's just a fact of my life that I'm excited about. So I have to say it started name drop Kim again. But when I Was working with her. People would hold up umbrellas so people couldn't see her. I was saying to her posse of people, I'm like, do you ever just watch people lose their mind when they don't expect to see her? It's like she just gets to walk around and give people gifts and the best story that they maybe get all year. That's what I delight in. Because I used to love seeing famous people or, like, buy maps of the stars homes. When I drive a TMZ truck, I'm not kidding you. I roll down the window and I go, I'm Nikki Glaser. I hosted the Golden Globes. If you care if you want to get a picture. Because I know what it's like to be on one of those bus tours with my family and be like, we didn't see anyone. We just drove past the old rocks here.

[Dax Shepard]

Viper room. They'll take you. Nothing's happened there in 45 years.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, when you drive past them, make sure you wave and say hi. It's not gloating, but you're giving the guy who's doing the tour a boost in his, like, when he goes to his team meeting. Well, we got one celebrity today. Like, and it used to be a joke. I used to be like, I'm friends with Amy Schumer. Like, when I was like, I used to make a joke, and now I'm like, speed up and pull up. Let's give them something. Most of the time I'm like, this is kind of embarrassing because people are, like, having to Google, like, who is that? Or, like, what? But if two people. Ricky Cranes are exactly. Eliza Schlesinger is better.

[Monica Padman]

But if one person cares, like, that's

[Nikki Glaser]

so fun for them. I think about myself as a young person or someone even now, like, going to parties and, like, seeing celebrities and how it delights me.

[Monica Padman]

Also, you use the word deserve, which I think think is interesting. I think deserve is something that gets stuck in our heads as a problem. Like, I don't think I deserve any of this, and I don't think you do, and I don't think you do.

[Nikki Glaser]

I don't think anyone deserves.

[Monica Padman]

I know.

[Nikki Glaser]

Sorry. Canceled.

[Monica Padman]

I don't think anyone deserves anything good and anyone deserves anything bad. You get what you get.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, I disagree a little bit. No one knocked on my door and said, you want this life. That part is true because I was moving around like, I won the lottery and don't deserve to be. Be here.

[Nikki Glaser]

I mean, you belong.

[Monica Padman]

That's different. You belong.

[Nikki Glaser]

You deserve.

[Monica Padman]

Yes, but deserve is like, you know, I just moved into a house, and people are like, oh, my God, congratulations. You really deserve it.

[Nikki Glaser]

And I'm like, I don't deserve it. I hate that word so much. Right. When you just said it, I'm like,

[Monica Padman]

yeah, I don't deserve it. I have it. I'm excited. It's a privilege to have it.

[Nikki Glaser]

And they're almost saying it to on people that they're thinking of that didn't deserve it. It's almost about other people. It is. There's some comparison in that. I get that all the time of like, you deserve this fame. And I'm like, who are we really talking about here? Who do you want to talk? Someone who doesn't deserve it. Exactly.

[Monica Padman]

And I'm with you on making it bad. Because I'm like, oh, because, like, I'm ugly.

[Dax Shepard]

I had to work extra hard.

[Nikki Glaser]

I'm pretty.

[Monica Padman]

I would obviously have a house.

[Dax Shepard]

That's where your mind goes, well, you

[Nikki Glaser]

know, I go there too, so much. That's so interesting. But how do you deal with being a recognizable figure when it wasn't the thing that you. Were you thinking about it as a kid of like, I want to be. Oh, you are.

[Monica Padman]

But not for this.

[Nikki Glaser]

Obviously.

[Dax Shepard]

It wasn't a thing to be on Friends. The reboot.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. To be on Friends was the dream.

[Nikki Glaser]

That was the dream. I was just saying that the other night when I was in sixth grade, I was like, I'm going to be Jennifer Aniston. I'll have a sitcom when I'm 25, and I'll be on maybe a couple soap operas before then. And I have no other plan of how to get there. I'll be on Ferris Bueller. That you'll discover. I know where I'm going to lie in Leprechaun.

[Monica Padman]

I know how this ends.

[Nikki Glaser]

I will get a famous haircut, and then I will be famous forever. And that's just how it works.

[Dax Shepard]

I may or may not marry Brad Pitt.

[Nikki Glaser]

I don't know exactly.

[Dax Shepard]

I'll decide then.

[Monica Padman]

I'm sure you feel the same then. Because if you wanted to be an actor, and you are, and you just did a movie, which is very exciting, but you're known for this thing. You probably, at the beginning, beginning didn't think about it.

[Nikki Glaser]

It was just the only way in that I was good at.

[Monica Padman]

Exactly.

[Nikki Glaser]

It was the first way that was like, oh, I can maybe be on tv, and I'm getting feedback right away that I have a knack for this. It was the first time I Ever felt. Okay, I guess this is going to be it. Yes, I love it, and yes, I love comedy, but it was just the first thing I was good at. I would have done anything if people would have told me I was good at it. I would have a totally different life based on just one person being like, you've got this.

[Dax Shepard]

You've got the mind of an engineer.

[Nikki Glaser]

Really?

[Dax Shepard]

No, but what if someone said that to you? You got the mind.

[Nikki Glaser]

That's humiliating how excited I just got.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, no, I'm just saying, when you pursued engineering.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, yeah, I know. What you were being a character of someone, saying that to someone.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God, Nikki, the stand up routine is mirroring real life now. This is wonderful.

[Nikki Glaser]

So funny.

[Dax Shepard]

The good girl thing just kind of happened. I said you had a mind for engineering.

[Nikki Glaser]

It was.

[Dax Shepard]

And it was like a dad told you.

[Nikki Glaser]

It was absolutely like that. A man telling you, like, you're good and you're smart and you've got an A on your chest and you've got something. There's a twinkle in your eye.

[Dax Shepard]

I think you're brilliant.

[Nikki Glaser]

I'm not taking your comments anymore until I know the real.

[Dax Shepard]

I do. But I don't know enough about your brilliance to determine whether you'd be a good engineer or not. Yet.

[Nikki Glaser]

I had a boyfriend tell me. He was like, you have the mind of a quarterback. And I, like, didn't know what that meant. And then I looked it up. It was the best compliment I've ever

[Monica Padman]

gotten in my life.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. There was one topic that I've been, in a weird way, wanting to bring up. And there's never a time on this show where it feels like this is the zone. But I feel like you're the person I want to bounce this off. We know about incels a lot. They're well documented. They're involuntary celibate men.

[Nikki Glaser]

I just explained this to my assistant the other day. She had no idea what it was. We watched the Manosphere documentary on Netflix.

[Dax Shepard]

Incredible.

[Nikki Glaser]

The Louis Theroux loved it.

[Dax Shepard]

Great, great doc.

[Nikki Glaser]

Everyone needs to watch that. She's 26. She had no idea what the Manosphere

[Dax Shepard]

was because again, even though there's a doc and I got revved up, it's also no such thing. It doesn't mean anything as well, it means everything. That's why she didn't know.

[Nikki Glaser]

Well, she doesn't know because she's not getting it on her feed.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm hopeful. It's a window of like 12 to 16 year old boys. All their audiences are like junior high K. Yeah. That don't know what the fuck they're.

[Nikki Glaser]

It's terrifying.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

Think of the things you consumed when you were that age that made you who you are today. It is who you are.

[Dax Shepard]

Raising Arizona. I've been trying to be Nick Cage.

[Nikki Glaser]

That's who you are. It's terrifying. It is.

[Monica Padman]

While they're being shaped.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. So the incels we would describe to me voluntary cell.

[Monica Padman]

But.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Involuntary celibate. And then in absence of that, they become misogynists. Like, they hate women. They think that they're entitled to sex. There's, like, a very predictable outcome. Now I want to pitch a thought I've had recently, which is. I think there needs to be. The commensurate term would be V cells, which is voluntarily celibate. I think there's a lot of single younger women who are voluntarily celibate.

[Nikki Glaser]

Interesting.

[Dax Shepard]

And not in relationships. Who.

[Nikki Glaser]

Who are you thinking?

[Dax Shepard]

Like, what I'm saying is all these people that are convinced I'm beating Kristen, none of them are married people.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, right. Well, they've never had a relationship. Well, no one in a marriage is like.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, they've been together 19 years.

[Nikki Glaser]

I bet he's beating that. A lot of what I read that I loved. And I know you didn't get a lot of feedback. Tell me to stop if you don't want any kind of me echoing anything I heard. But what that I heard was this seems to be inside jokes that you make in your house that we all do. But it's seeing the light of day, and none of us have to deal with the stuff we joke about with our husbands ever going out there. And we would also be canceled for the same thing. So it just seems like they made a mistake in airing something that they joke about all the time. That truly is. It's not like you're doing racist jokes. And I think a lot of people got that because I was really proud of little reflects of Reddit that got it.

[Dax Shepard]

I mean, I truly believe 90% of people. But when I look at who was outraged and who is publicly defending her

[Nikki Glaser]

was people who've never been in relationships.

[Dax Shepard]

Never been in a relationship. Yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

And never have had that kind of strange intimacy. Because I even had to reflect on my own and be like, what's my thing that I would joke about? And I had so much.

[Dax Shepard]

But just like, the boy thing breeds misogyny. I do think the voluntary celibacy, it breeds something.

[Nikki Glaser]

I think these women want partners. It's just really hard to find one because a Lot have been manosphered and we're just not connecting anymore. We're not going to bars, we're not meeting up. The apps are horrible. And so I think that women may say they're being voluntary, but I think it's just out of not having any options. And then whenever you're angry about something, 99% of the times there's some jealousy rooted in it. So I think there's a jealousy of we just want to take down anyone we're jealous of. And these two seem to be happy and working.

[Dax Shepard]

There's a parallel. I was watching a 60 minute segment on Sovereign citizens, which is this weird growing group of men who reject the government and they won't carry license and they were shooting cops and they were suing municipalities. Like it's a whole movement, movement. And in this piece they had a social scientist on it. It's like almost a hundred percent of the members used to have pretty good blue collar careers that they lost. Things shut down in their town. And so for those people, if the system doesn't include you, the system has to be flawed. It's the only way you can survive that. Right. Is to go like, well, if there's a system that wouldn't include me, I'm worthy of being included. The system has to be corrupt. And I think if you're like, relationship

[Nikki Glaser]

work, they don't work because the ones I've dated have sucked and I'm not getting asked out, so I'll react.

[Dax Shepard]

They almost be being repressed and it must be terrible. I'm just curious if you think there's any validity to this point of view.

[Nikki Glaser]

The validity I see is that the backlash to whatever you went through, I think was spurred very intensely by people just not understanding that kind of intimacy. Whether that's the kind of intimacy they want or not.

[Dax Shepard]

Sure, sure.

[Nikki Glaser]

People don't always have dark senses of humor. They can't understand why that would ever be funny. And it's certainly people that have been in abusive situations or had their mom beat or is going to personalize that and be like, that's not funny ever. And that's really actually not fair, to be honest.

[Dax Shepard]

We both grew up with domestic violence.

[Nikki Glaser]

Exactly.

[Dax Shepard]

So if you tell me how domestic violence works, I can tell you those guys who beat my mom's ass never went online to find out if it was acceptable from someone. That's not actually how it works, which is maddening.

[Nikki Glaser]

They didn't do it because someone made a chat. They didn't get permission on an Instagram and they go, oh, they've joked about it, maybe I should do it tonight.

[Dax Shepard]

But that's not how it works. So you want to be really mad about a hypothetical scenario.

[Nikki Glaser]

Jokes about things that they're unhealed from. That's just the case. And we all have our things. And I love Sam Harris and Sam Harris says, I'm paraphrasing, but to define yourself by what you're offended by, it's not interesting what you're offended by. That shouldn't be something that defines you or that you should think anyone should be interested in. It's not cool. But people don't have identities.

[Monica Padman]

I know.

[Nikki Glaser]

Especially white people. We don't have culture. And I've said this a million times lately because it's been coming up for me a lot. But like, we're looking for something to make us feel like a part of a group. And to be like, I'm offended by this makes you feel like you have. Have something.

[Dax Shepard]

A community.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

Of other people that are mad.

[Nikki Glaser]

And it gets you attention because you're like, I'm sad about this. To people, anyone listening, being like, she doesn't get it. I am upset. I know you are.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

I'm not saying it's fake. I'm saying I don't think someone who has, you know, a headache because they have anxiety doesn't mean they're not in pain or like back pain because of anxiety. I think a lot of back pain is in your head. But it doesn't mean I don't think it's painful. It doesn't mean I don't want to hug you and say, so sorry you're going through this pain. But it is in your head.

[Dax Shepard]

The pain is real. Yes, but where is it coming from?

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. And your sadness is real about this and your anger about it is real.

[Dax Shepard]

You can bond over I hate Taylor Swift. That's a way to bond with another kid at school.

[Monica Padman]

Who are you going to find?

[Dax Shepard]

What are you going to do with this bond? What are you going to boycott? There's nothing to do. Whereas if you say, I love Sabrina Carpenter, now you guys can like, we should go see a concert. We should get her new album. There's things that can grow out of bonding over things you like. It's a dead end street to bond over what you hate.

[Nikki Glaser]

You're so right. Because I'm trying to think anything. I hate that I really get along with people because we hate it so much. And it really dead ends a conversation. Like you can kind of bitch about it.

[Dax Shepard]

For a little bit, you could protest.

[Nikki Glaser]

Now that you brought it to protest, I'm like, yes, I think it is important that people get together and create community around things that suck. But the other night, I was complaining about. I think I'm the only person on the planet that was disappointed by you two at the Sphere. I went to go see it, had had all the expectations. They were the first people at the Sphere. I read every good review. I was ready to have my mind blown. Maybe the bar was. But I was so disappointed. Not in how they sounded, but they didn't use the screens. They used the screens to make something really cool, where you're like, whoa, it's the desert, or, whoa, it's Vegas. Not something to make you sick. I just mean, use the fucking screen.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. The contraption we paid to be inside

[Nikki Glaser]

of, I would say 60% of the show, the screen was only being used, like, the movie theater size. They were only doing their images. And I'm like, you're opening the sphere. You use the screen for every goddamn song. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was at this party talking about this, and I was getting so fired up. Literally, it's gonna be a part of my next act. Because someone goes, well, it's really costly to make those screens. And I'm like, if I'm fucking Bono, if I'm having sex with Bono, I would say to him, no, if I'm Bono and I'm going to the tech rehearsal and I'm watching the screens, and I go, we only are using. That was cool. That was cool. And that was cool. But the rest are not cool. Oh, it's going to cost too much out of my pocket. This is the fucking sphere. You're. You two, you have enough money. I don't want to hear about budgetary restrictions unless there's not technology in order to make that. But if you did it three times, you can do it 20. It was no excuse to me. I was so upset about it. And I went home and I literally looked online for anyone who was saying what I was saying. And this was, like, well into their residency. Not one.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow.

[Nikki Glaser]

And I was in the depths of Reddit. I was, like, ready to get the dark Web and get, like, an external browser or something to find anyone. Not one person.

[Dax Shepard]

You're all alone.

[Nikki Glaser]

That was exciting to me because I'm like, that's funny. Now that I don't have a community, there's something.

[Dax Shepard]

There's no reward to this anger I'm feeling.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, that's more interesting than if I had a bunch of people to talk about it with and to talk with. I'm like, I'm a lone wolf. Maybe there's something wrong with me. I'd reflect on it, but I was telling the story the other night. I'm sorry, all the name drops, but I just recently kind of became friends with Chris Rock. And I was talking to him about, like, how do we come up with new material? I. I'm kind of stuck right now. I need a new hour. My hours about to come out. I'm losing all that material. I have to go on the road in August. And he's like, read. You know, he just told me, you have to read, like, feed the engine. And I'm like, wow, I do. But then I was going off about you too, and he goes, that. Do that. And I was like, thank God you said that. Because comedians always used to, like, when we were starting up, always used to be like, that's a bet. Do that, do that. And you were constantly helping each other. No one does that anym.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, in success, you get more isolated.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes. I've told my friends recently, like, if I say anything, please just tell me to write it down, because that's the only way I'm going to generate. Because I don't sit down and like,

[Monica Padman]

to your point, I want to circle back just for a second. I do think there is a current talking point a little bit. You know, I think there was an article that said, is it embarrassing to have a boyfriend? Or I'm embarrassed to have a boyfriend or something.

[Nikki Glaser]

I did, like, the memes after heated rivalry that were like, after watching this, when I see a man kiss a woman, I'm like, that's fucking gay. I love that. Because I did. I felt that way, too. I'm like, there's nothing more masculine than two guys going at it.

[Dax Shepard]

Testosterone squared.

[Nikki Glaser]

But finish your point. There's a whole thing of, like, it's embarrassing to have a boyfriend.

[Dax Shepard]

They're innately subjugated.

[Monica Padman]

The younger generation than us, I think, probably like the one right under us that's like, is it okay to have a boyfriend because boys do bad stuff.

[Nikki Glaser]

It's like, you can get canceled for, like.

[Monica Padman]

Exactly. Which is insane. It's insane. So insane. Also, again, just the thing that women have been trying to.

[Nikki Glaser]

To do forever, which is say, we're our own people. I think it's embarrassing to have a husband, to be honest with you, like, for most people. For most people. Because to me, so few people find, like, you have a relationship that I admire Where I'm like, if I got married, I would want it to look like that. But I feel like so many people get married and it doesn't look like that. And it's just to get married. And I think it's embarrassing because you're locked in so much more. And I'm like, oh, honey, you have to get a divorce. Having a boyfriend, you can cut and run, whatever, get a boyfriend. But a husband. Be more mindful. I do think you're right.

[Monica Padman]

There's a little tinge in the air that's men are bad, or not all men, but all men. You know, there's reasons people think like that manosphere stuff and obviously our president and things like that have caused people

[Nikki Glaser]

to be like, ah, men. Oh, no. Oh, my God.

[Monica Padman]

I don't want to be affiliated with that. I don't want people to think I'm signing off on that.

[Nikki Glaser]

I know. That's so sad and that's so dumb. And it's really not all men at all. There are so many great men out there. And it sucks that these girls that are meeting guys online. It is hard to find even girlfriends that are cool.

[Monica Padman]

Yes.

[Nikki Glaser]

Like, think of how many awful girls there are out there. It's just as hard to find a guy that you want to hang out with. But I would advise girls to, like, be friends with guys and then date them after. Don't put so much pressure on going on dates. I've ever considered going on dates with someone. I get so nervous because I'm like, you're meeting someone to have coffee. And what's really in the air here is, are we going to suck each other's genitals forever and ever till the day we die? That. So much pressure even just, are we going to get nasty together? Are we gonna hump each other? That's a lot of pressure over a coffee date. I think it's best just to start. Just get guy friends and keep them after you find a boyfriend. And men keep your girlfriends. We should all keep having friends of the opposite sex.

[Dax Shepard]

We're in together, y'. All.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, exactly. That's right.

[Dax Shepard]

You can't split into two camps.

[Monica Padman]

No, that's right.

[Dax Shepard]

It's not gonna work.

[Nikki Glaser]

Once you get a boyfriend, you shouldn't not be allowed to hang out with guys that are your friends. And girls, you gotta let your guy friend have girlfriends. You have to, because they need to get their emotions out. And girls ask about emotions and guys don't. So they're gonna put their emotions on you. And that's not sexy to you, probably. And if it is, great. But a lot of times he's not gonna feel sexy after sharing his emotions on.

[Dax Shepard]

You can't be the only one.

[Nikki Glaser]

So let him do it to some girl that is gonna ask him about his feelings, that is not gonna wanna fuck him after he shares them. And for good reason, because they're friends.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, I have one question before. Good girl. Which unfortunately you're gonna have to hear that I loved it.

[Nikki Glaser]

Of course, I don't wanna. Literally don't wanna talk about it.

[Dax Shepard]

We're gonna have to. I'm gonna force you to promote your project. Yeah. You did a great job at the Golden Globes again. I'm so glad you're the go to host now. It was fun.

[Nikki Glaser]

I'm so glad you guys were there.

[Monica Padman]

It was so good to see you on camera.

[Nikki Glaser]

It was. You really nailed it. Thank you.

[Dax Shepard]

It's fun when you have a personal connection with somebody. Now all of a sudden I feel, I mean, I hate to use the word, but proud, like, oh, yeah, same for you. It's such a good feeling.

[Nikki Glaser]

It's so nice to get these friendships that you meet from doing the job that you're really rooting for people. Because there's so often, like I was saying before, you don't root for people because of jealousy or whatever or like you don't like them, but it's awesome.

[Dax Shepard]

So when you watch the Oscars. Did you watch the Oscars?

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

So when you're watching award shows now, is it like a completely different experience?

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. Once I was in the business, I knew the work that went into it. You know, I saw his monologue. I think it was exactly a week before he was doing it at Largo. It was so great to hear the jokes and be like, oh, fuck, that was a good one. And it was all the same stuff that I was covering, the same movie. So it was like, oh, we fucking missed that one. Begonia. And what was the other thing where deli meats, begonia and Marty supreme sound like off brand deli meats. Like that is just there. Like it's not. I mean, it's a brilliant joke, but I'm like, we looked at that from every angle. How did we not stumble upon that? So watching the Oscars for me, I'm like, oh, my God. All the shoots he had to do for it, all the pre tapes, even the pre tape at the end, I go, you're doing one at the end. So much work leading up to it. And the way that they were able to make it look like he was in all those films. The lighting setups, like, how much work went into each of those to look so seamless. I thought that was done so beautifully. Then the song with Josh Groban and the set design, the jokes were probably the least worrisome part of it. But, you know, I just watch him walk off stage. It was kind of rolled off stage on top of that mountain, and I was like, this is the best moment of his year right now is being done. And it killed.

[Monica Padman]

It's over.

[Nikki Glaser]

That's what you do it for.

[Monica Padman]

You have a respect for.

[Nikki Glaser]

I do it for walking off, turning around and walking off. As I walk past the presenters, I'm like, I'm done. Like the rest of the show. Who cares? That's over. Yeah. Yeah. And that's the best feeling in entertainment.

[Dax Shepard]

That kind of reminds me of the axiom, like, I hate to write and I love to have written.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

That's basically it. It's like, I hate doing it, and I love having done it.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, I think that's everything in life. I hate going to Pilates. I love having done it.

[Monica Padman]

Right. That's so true.

[Nikki Glaser]

I don't think there's anything good for you.

[Dax Shepard]

Sex is one of the freebies. It's great while you're doing it, but sometimes it's afterwards.

[Nikki Glaser]

You're like, if it's really good for the wrong reason, you can regret it. And sometimes during it, I have often been like, when is this over? So I can say I did it and I don't have to do it again for a month and a half. Check it off the list. Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. So that's actually one of the really funny parts of Good Girl, your special on Hulu that comes out on April 24th. You talk about when you look fuckable, everything is great, and the worst part is having to fuck.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, I mentioned that before. I repeated my own joke in here earlier on the podcast.

[Dax Shepard]

But, yes, heartbreakingly true.

[Nikki Glaser]

I'm kind of obsessed with this thing of, like, looking a certain way gets you stuff in life and how that's unfair if you're not just born gorgeous. But then now there's this whole thing that you can become gorgeous with enough money. This sounds so horrible, and I would hate listening to this if I was not financially doing so well. But there's a burden that comes with the money that you can do whatever you want to. Look the way that you're like, I'm failing because I'm not doing the BBL and the facelift and the lasers, and there's always a new one coming out and some skin cream that you could do it. It's like, you could do that. It's like that failure that you feel of anything that you could do that you're not doing. And if you were prettier, what could you get? Because I don't think that my career and my success is based solely on my talent. It's based on looking good on tv, too. I don't think I'm, like, the hottest person alive. But being a pleasant woman who some would deem fuckable, historically, that works. It does. You're insane to think it doesn't. And when people tell me, you don't need to worry about it and don't focus on that, and that's really sad that you focus on that. I really felt bad about myself for a while that I was like, it is sad that I'm so obsessed with this, But I'm like, no, you live in reality. I just want to get things in life. I want to make money that I can then do good with. To be honest with you, I'm trying to be hot so people pay me more so I can open an animal shelter. Is that really charity? I'm not for charity because it works. The hotter you are, you don't have to work. There are models that are literally. People go, she's a legend, an icon, a queen.

[Dax Shepard]

And she has $100 million, and you've

[Nikki Glaser]

never heard her talk. And not to say that modeling isn't a talent, because it is. It's really hard to be good at it, but it is way easier than writing scripts. I think I used to be mad about it when I was less intelligent about, like, she's just hot. She's only getting it because she's hot. It's like, that's just the way the world works.

[Monica Padman]

Exactly.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, you do a great joke, and it's like, are you mad at the girls that thought their brain was so weak that they had to go get a sociology degree? Is that V?

[Nikki Glaser]

This whole thing of, like, why'd you have to change your face? Be happy with what God gave you. But then a girl is going to get an education. No one goes, just be happy with the grain that God gave you. When I realized that, I was like, yes, that's the same thing. But no one shames a woman improving herself if it's not aesthetically, because that's not threatening women. And men are threatened by pretty women. I, myself included, are so much more judgmental of a Hot girl than I am. A smart girl. A smart girl. I'm like, she's threatening to me in a way that I'm not even competing with her.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm trying to get that.

[Monica Padman]

It's a different thing.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, it's a different thing. But to be somewhere on the spectrum of hot, because some people are just like, that's not me at all. Like Fortune Feemster. I did a show with her. There's no part of her that's like, if I did this, she is what she is. And she's not trying to be a feminine, sexy woman. And she would be the first to say that. That's not like, a rude thing to say. Yeah, she'd be the first to say it. But to be somewhere on the spectrum where it's like, literally, I think a spray tan or lash extensions would amount to a thousand more likes if you have 3 million followers. Do you know, like, it has numerical

[Dax Shepard]

value in the system of we measure

[Nikki Glaser]

detox or anything it does. So it's not sad to do it. And yes, it is sad when women do too much and it ends up not looking the right way. And people get so mad about it, but feel bad for her. She went to a wonky doctor. Or she has body dysmorphia in her brain. It's not like she wants to look like people who go, she ruined her face. We all know the actress I'm talking about when I say it. Like, there's one or two in mind that you have where you're like, she ruined her face. And men are like, oh, I used

[Dax Shepard]

to wanna fuck her.

[Nikki Glaser]

Now she's disgusting. It's like, well, first of all, she's 64. So you wanted to fuck her when she was 32. But she's a different woman now. And she may have done stuff to her face, but she's trying to be the girl that you knew in those movies.

[Monica Padman]

And she did it for you, and

[Nikki Glaser]

she did it for you. She didn't ask for that.

[Dax Shepard]

That's the only part you're going to get an argument from me.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay, Bring it on.

[Dax Shepard]

I love it because I think it's for each other.

[Nikki Glaser]

For women. Yeah, sure.

[Dax Shepard]

Because I can say it. For me, I've gotten to a point where I have more muscles than women. Like, for sure. Men who, I don't know, grab my bicep and they're like, oh, would you die? Right? And I have status among my gender from these muscles, and I love it.

[Nikki Glaser]

But women and gay men are kind of dictating show business culture of what is being lifted up as gorgeous queen slay. And so whether a man wants to fuck you or not, men are kind of falling in line with the monetary value of the gays and the girls wanting to be you. That's money. Selling cosmetics to women, selling a brand to women. We should be doing it for each other. But you are injecting to get back to the way you were when men wanted to fuck you. It doesn't work, young girl, but it's the best option you got.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, I'm not disagreeing, but it's like you'll know if Monica has the row on. I won't. And no man will ever know.

[Nikki Glaser]

I won't either. But I understand what you're saying.

[Dax Shepard]

You know what I'm saying. And I have a car that you don't know if it's the turboed one or the Every man knows.

[Nikki Glaser]

Exactly.

[Dax Shepard]

My status is among other men and your status is among other women. Yeah, that's how we are as primates.

[Nikki Glaser]

And gay men, like those are the women I want to. That's it.

[Dax Shepard]

Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare. This episode is sponsored by Better Help. So we're in March, which means it's a moment to celebrate women. And I want to take a second to acknowledge some incredible women in my life, my family, of course, and Monica, obviously, who I get to work with every day. The women on our team, the women in this industry who are constantly juggling a million things at once, they carry so much. They're managing work, relationships, family dynamics, and about a thousand invisible responsibilities that nobody sees or acknowledges. And human. Here's what I've learned. Taking care of everyone else is exhausting. Setting boundaries, creating balance, making space for yourself. That's not selfish, that's necessary. And therapy can be a really powerful tool for that. It's a space to work through the pressures, the expectations, the roles we all play. Betterhelp makes it easier to get started. They match you with a licensed therapist based on your needs. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch anytime your emotional well being matters, find support and feel lighter. And in therapy, sign up and get 10% [e-mail] DAX that's better. HP.com DAX. I just think a lot of times we blame the opposite sex and I don't even think that's actually.

[Nikki Glaser]

No, I think that's not fair. I agree with you.

[Dax Shepard]

It's like you're getting fashionable for each other because guys don't give a shit.

[Nikki Glaser]

We Know that men don't like the big blubbery lips. But here's the thing. You do like us with makeup. You don't like like us with a ton. You do like us with some. You do. And I know you're gonna say no. Kristin's so much more beautiful when she wakes up in the morning as bare faced.

[Dax Shepard]

I really think that. And I tell Monica all the time, like I get to see Monica, both versions.

[Nikki Glaser]

I don't think you would have initially fallen in love with Kristen or had that attraction to her.

[Dax Shepard]

I met her with makeup.

[Nikki Glaser]

She was wearing no makeup when you met her, like first thing in the morning, like so sleepy and like she's an exception.

[Dax Shepard]

And we can acknowledge she's been gifted with. She has the most self esteem of anyone. That's why I love. She's a perfect partner.

[Nikki Glaser]

She's so confident and it doesn't hurt.

[Monica Padman]

Hurt her?

[Dax Shepard]

No. She doesn't have the insecurities I have and you have and Monica and some

[Nikki Glaser]

would argue, well, maybe it does hurt her and she didn't tell you it hurt her and she's just taking it because she wants to keep you around.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, that's someone who's projecting their insecurity.

[Nikki Glaser]

That's something I would do in a relationship. I'd be like, he always makes fun of this thing but it seems to really delight him that he makes fun of it. So he seems like that. I take it. So I'll be the cool girl.

[Dax Shepard]

This is back to the thing with Kristen that I want to say publicly, which is don't insult my wife. She doesn't need your protection. You don't need to diminish her. That's what pisses me off. My wife has total autonomy and is a gangster. So when you say that you need to come in and protect her, it's actually shared it.

[Monica Padman]

Exactly. That's why the whole thing set up.

[Nikki Glaser]

That was my comment.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah. You're insulting her by saying you're going to go protect her. She's fudgeing good.

[Nikki Glaser]

Can I tell you a joke I was going to do at the Golden Globes about it?

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Nikki Glaser]

But I didn't do it because I, I'm friends with you. And I was like, I don't want to make his life harder. Was I have a couple.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm kind of flattered to even be in the mix.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, my God. Well, now that we're friends, I have a feeling I know what you can take and what you can't take. And now that you know how I feel about that situation. I can tell Sean Penny looks like a leather handbag because I literally am attracted to him. If I literally thought he was disgusting, I don't think I would have been able to say it. I was already questioning saying that. Then I was like, no, you actually think he's hot, so this is fine. It was.

[Monica Padman]

How nervous are you?

[Dax Shepard]

I'm not. My only thought is, do I want to pour fire on it? But we'll decide.

[Nikki Glaser]

You can take it out.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, Yeah, I want to hear it. I definitely want to hear it.

[Nikki Glaser]

Die, my love. If I had legs, I'd kick you. Sorry, baby. These are not just captions. Oh, no. To Dax Shepard's Instagram post for Mother's

[Monica Padman]

Day

[Nikki Glaser]

or, like, for Kristen for his. No, these are not just Dax shepherd captions for his anniversary post. These are movies nominated tonight. That's very funny, but I didn't do it because also, like, it was old news by then, but mostly because I didn't know where you stood on. I wasn't one of those people that reached out like, I got your back, man. Cause I'm like, maybe he doesn't even know about this, you know?

[Dax Shepard]

Well, I was alerted by someone that this whole thing was happening. I didn't know. And Kristen knew through her publicist, but didn't tell me. So I actually didn't know. And this was brought to my attention

[Nikki Glaser]

for, like, a couple days or, like, how long?

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, a week and a half.

[Nikki Glaser]

Stop.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. I had no clue.

[Nikki Glaser]

Wow. It was, like, already kind of out of the news cycle by the time someone comforted me.

[Dax Shepard]

And I was like, what are you. And then I had to go to Kristen. What are they. What are they talking about? She's like, oh, that post. I had you do a good job

[Nikki Glaser]

then of, like, staying away from stuff about you.

[Dax Shepard]

I just. Well, I don't know. Right. It's hard for me to know.

[Nikki Glaser]

That's the thing that bothers me is, like, this is what you're talking about right now. Of all things, you fudgeing losers. You're wasting your time on getting angry about this. Go read some files.

[Monica Padman]

Why don't you pay attention to what's going on in the real. I very much stay away from comments. I don't comment on anything commented, though.

[Nikki Glaser]

I loved it.

[Monica Padman]

Thank you. I couldn't.

[Nikki Glaser]

And I don't. I know you don't, because I. That was out of character for you. But he's like, this is not something.

[Monica Padman]

Phrase it perfectly, but I cannot see this again. Also, I went to, like, a brunch before the Golden Globes, before the cut. They asked me about it there. They asked us about it on the red carpet the whole time we did red carpet.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, every interview we did was about Cher. Well, now we're talking about Cher.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, I forgot that was the one I read. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, the Cher thing, too. Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Yeah. 100% of our interviews on the Golden Globes. Again, it feels beneath me to even defend myself. But the thing that drives me nuts is, like, we released it.

[Nikki Glaser]

No, that makes.

[Dax Shepard]

We posted it. You know how I feel about it. I think it's hilarious. That's why I posted it.

[Nikki Glaser]

Exactly. Not only that, but the headlines about it were so much worse than what it was once you watched it. But people don't watch things. Exactly. Because they have to watch an ad first on Daily Mail or whatever. Exactly. They don't want to watch Mario Lopez talking to them about something to get to the thing. So they just read the quote, or they don't even read the quote. They just read the headline, and that's all it is. And that is the most frustrating thing about being in the spotlight and having your words taken out of context. I'm just stressing to everyone at home who reads celebrity gossip as a consumer of myself and who's learned the truth about things after the fact from the source. Watch the video that it's quoting in context. Watch the whole thing. Don't just watch that clip. Go back to the podcast and watch the context of it. Be a savvy consumer, because watching the video, you're like, what's the big deal here? It just took one person to be like. And then it fucking caught fire. And no one writing about it even rewatched it.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

It sucks so much. It's really the most dangerous thing about this job.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. But I was like, it takes work to make a podcast. We decided to put that in. This was edited. This is a show.

[Nikki Glaser]

Because they don't work on their journalism. They don't even know what hard work is because they're doing celebrity.

[Dax Shepard]

They think we were guests on Cher's podcast.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

She invited us on to let us have it.

[Monica Padman]

Like, what?

[Nikki Glaser]

And that was some kind of intervention that she wanted to have for you. And then they have music playing in the background of it. That it was this serious moment where she finally was saying what she. She felt all along, and she was being funny. People don't contextualize Cher as being a funny person either. And being, like, one of the wittiest

[Dax Shepard]

women ever I can handle most of the abuse to me, because I know America doesn't think anybody's good enough for her. And that's awesome. And she deserves that.

[Monica Padman]

That's great.

[Dax Shepard]

So I can play the role. Anyone in my shoes wouldn't be good enough for it. And that's awesome.

[Monica Padman]

It just.

[Nikki Glaser]

Your name is Dax. You have a big personality. You have a podcast where you talk. We are going to find flaws about you that we can pit against you to say that you don't deserve America's sweetheart. That you don't deserve. Deserve our snow princess. Having a podcast is putting you in the line of fire in a way that other celebrities aren't. You're going to say bonehead things. You're going to have vulnerable moments that people can attack. Like you're a funny, kind of ridiculously larger than life person. That's going to be problematic in some way because it can't not be.

[Dax Shepard]

And I want all the upside. So guess what? I got to take all the downsides.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. I want to talk about. She does 10 solid minutes on her vagina. A great 10.

[Nikki Glaser]

Thank you.

[Dax Shepard]

Solid, strong 10. Got it on your vagina.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. But some people don't like that.

[Dax Shepard]

Listen, this has been a waste of your fear. We love this. We love it. I just got to tell you what, we love it. The description of her vagina, which she's insecure about. Love it.

[Nikki Glaser]

Love that stuff.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, thank you so much about talking about women talking about their vaginas in general. Female comics, like, I'm always insecure about. Oh, they're saying all she does is talk about her pussy. You read that comment about me constantly. And so I just lean into it because I'm like, but this is what the people want. This stuff kills.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, exactly.

[Nikki Glaser]

That's the part of my step that I always wanted to take out because it was just like, these are just pussy jokes. And it's not as high caliber writing as other stuff I work on, but it was undeniable. It kills so hard. It's like, well, you gotta give the people what they want sometimes. It's more than that.

[Dax Shepard]

I'll say. It's even more than that. Every man in the audience is concerned about the size of their penis.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

And every female's worried that their vagina

[Nikki Glaser]

doesn't look too many lips or doesn't look right.

[Dax Shepard]

You are comforting all these people.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes. I wanna make girls feel less lip shame.

[Dax Shepard]

Sincerely.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

It's profound when they're cutting to the audience and the way the women are Laughing. It is with relief.

[Nikki Glaser]

I agree. Like, as a woman that had a vagina, that I would say I still have anxiety about the idea of hooking up with someone new ever in the future. Of like, what if he doesn't like it? Or what if it smells a weird way? It doesn't go away. Even though I am so open and people can just hear what it looks like.

[Dax Shepard]

And yet you're still gonna be nervous.

[Nikki Glaser]

So nervous. So if I can give any woman a relief of. I'm not alone in that. That's why I do it. Because I wish someone would have been talking about their sloppy pussies when I was coming up, when I was first starting to hook up and I compared myself to my friends and felt so disgusting and ugly. I would have.

[Dax Shepard]

And I want to just tell you, as someone with a lot of male friends, we're in. We love it.

[Nikki Glaser]

A lot of you do. Some of you don't.

[Dax Shepard]

They're dudes who've not even been with women. They're telling you what they think they want, and they don't even know what the fudge they're talking about.

[Nikki Glaser]

That's what I was tell women. When men are super horny, they don't see your stretch marks, they don't see your fat rolls, they don't see your floppy tits. They're kind of dumb. They're kind of like, under a spell. Don't worry about the stuff. When a guy is horny and if his dick is hard, he's not processing cellulite. He isn't.

[Dax Shepard]

And you're not seeing his gut. You looking at his shoulders.

[Nikki Glaser]

I'm processing things. But if I am super wet and horny, you get dumb. That's why you put your mouth near a butthole.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

Why would you do that unless you were kind of dumb? So you don't have the cognitive functioning to, like, take apart, dismantle someone's appearance when you're horny. So if a guy is horny, let loose a little bit.

[Dax Shepard]

Enjoy the ride.

[Nikki Glaser]

Exactly. Just keep it clean.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, do keep it clean.

[Nikki Glaser]

You know, keep it clean. But don't worry about your lips down there. I do feel, though, that what you're saying is exactly right. But there are times where I will think about someone new and I'll be like, oh, but I wouldn't date them because of this thing. And I'm like, how many fucking things do you got that is like that? Would you want someone to dismiss you for that thing? That's the nervous part, is in the dating stage before love. Because when you love someone, you really don't care about any of that stuff. It becomes hilarious. Or you just stop seeing it. I was just on Instagram last night and there was this account that's true celebrity skin texture. They turn up the structure. You know, like that knob that turns up the shadows that brings out every imperfection in your face. And they do that for all the red carpet. I was proud to make it because it's a popular account, but I was like, oh, yeah, I'm included on this. It's all a listers. And I get to mine and you could see my pores and the texture and just like, oh, it's like plate. And I'm comparing it to other ones. Like, maybe that's not as bad as hers. And then I used to really love those accounts when I felt insecure and I wanted to see that celebrities weren't as pretty as they claim to be. But then I was thinking about it and I was like, all these people in the comments are dismantling us and kind of calling us out for, oh, she's tried to hide this, but she couldn't. I commented. I was like, I am so ashamed of myself that I tried to hide my skin texture and pores when I was on a red carpet taking a photo that thousands of people would see. I need to be more honest. Honest about my texture of my skin and more honest about my pores. And I'm so ashamed that I tried to feel pretty in a moment where it is imperative that you look pretty. Exactly. And I will never forgive myself. I'm gonna take some time to think about this.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm taking some time away.

[Nikki Glaser]

But I used to be one of the people that looked at that. I would never have commented, like, eh.

[Monica Padman]

She thinks.

[Nikki Glaser]

She said, like, commenting is insane to me, but I understand being like, good. Oh, she actually has acne or whatever, but it just felt like a hit piece for trying to look pretty. And I'm sorry that I'm on this red carpet and you're not on it, or that that you feel like I'm lying to you. I'm not lying. I'll tell you everything I did.

[Dax Shepard]

But again, it goes back to like, no one in your whole life is ever going to come up to you and go, you've got shit skin texture. So you have to decide the room where people are acting.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, yeah, right. My clam team might be like, what's going on? But, yeah, they're going to hit you

[Dax Shepard]

with some hard truths.

[Nikki Glaser]

My esthetician, I Go to see tomorrow might be like, you need to hydrate. But you're right.

[Dax Shepard]

And at some point, this is how I take my own responsibility. Like, I have to go enter into this room where people are behaving this way. It's not forced upon me.

[Nikki Glaser]

It's just jealousy. And I understand. Understand jealousy.

[Dax Shepard]

Do you watch as much porn as you claim to in the special?

[Nikki Glaser]

I go through spurts, but I have been watching a lot recently, and a lot meaning. Once I find the video, I like, I'm done in literally five seconds. But I like to goon out for a little bit, rev up, and make sure I'm coming to the best one.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. Which is not possible.

[Nikki Glaser]

It was four.

[Dax Shepard]

What about when you realize it was four ago? Like, oh, God, he should have committed four ago. And, you know, you have the guilt of wasting time.

[Nikki Glaser]

Why did you.

[Dax Shepard]

And you're like, why'd you get greedy? Why'd you get so fucking greedy?

[Nikki Glaser]

You thought you very quickly. Like, I have a joke in there where it's like, sometimes you get suggested, like, here's a fisting video. And you're like, ew, Fisting. And they're like, you know, based on all the gangbangs you've been watching, we don't have anymore. And it's like, I literally have gotten to the place where I'm like, I'm out of gang bangs to watch. I took a break from porn just because I was busy or something, not because I was having sex. I don't know why. And I went back to it, and I was so excited that there were months of production that led to more coming out. Even though I love a vintage, like a pre 911 before the anxiety of that back to, like, a 2001 low definition. Oh, my God. It's, like, modern enough, but, like, the world was different and everyone was freer.

[Dax Shepard]

My question, though, was, are you scenario driven or. I'm, like, very visually driven. Like, I'm looking for something specific visually. Are you. Is it very scenario mine is about.

[Nikki Glaser]

I want the guy to talk. I want the guy to be invested in it. I described in the special. Like, I want him to be, like, almost a coach. Like, he's proud of what a crowd crazy she is.

[Dax Shepard]

Russian gymnast.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. Like, he's like, you can do it. Like, it's a gang bang. It's some kind of, like, physical feat of, like, so many holes. Fisting or like, something that I'm not even imagining myself necessarily doing, but it's just something impressive. Like, this girl is such an insane and she's not doing something. Like there's ones like when you're looking in this area, you get into enemas and pissing on them and stuff like that. Where I'm just like, no girl's enjoying that. I can see a world in which a girl would enjoy getting f. I've heard a girl talk about it and said it was great. So in my mind I'm imagining this girl likes this, but it's a hard thing to do. She's like, I don't think I can. And the guy's like, you could do it. And like, I love that he's proud of her and he's horny for what an accomplished slut she is. I really like that.

[Monica Padman]

It's her work ethic.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes. So I need the guy. I don't want him slapping her. I don't want him being mean to her, calling her a dumb whore, degrading, spitting in her face like, I don't

[Dax Shepard]

like that stern coach making her be better.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes, I like him to be stern. This is such niche because most gangbangs are rough. Gang bangs. And if the word rough is in it, I can't watch it because I know she is not having a good time. And I know that this girl agreed to this shoot because girls, once you look into the industry, it's so fudgeing horrible. They move to Florida because they read about a Craigslist ad where they'll model for $1,000 more money than these girls have ever seen in their fudgeing lives. They work at Waffle House and they didn't graduate high school. So they fly down to Florida alone, they sign a contract that they don't have time to read. Then they get thrown in a modeling shoot and then things get brought in and they are suddenly on camera and their life is ruined. There's some amount of time that it takes before they shoot it for it to get back to their small town. It's somewhere around a month or so by the time your dad will hear about it. And then they to their town because they have no money and they don't want to get beat up and put in these positions where they get into a porn where when you're a young girl, when you're 19 and you're shooting a video that's all of a sudden turned into a gang bang that you didn't agree to, do you think a 19 year old from fucking Paducah, Kentucky who dropped out of school has the wherewithal around these guys in Miami to go, actually I feel uncomfortable right now.

[Dax Shepard]

Exactly.

[Nikki Glaser]

You just keep agreeing to stuff and go, I hope it's over soon. And so I like to watch stuff that is made at reputable studios, ethically.

[Dax Shepard]

Sourced.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes, but it's really hard.

[Dax Shepard]

Interestingly, we do have some overlap then, because what I'm in search of, and it's so hard, I think it's easier to determine for the guys is, like, it's very important to me that they love it.

[Nikki Glaser]

That the guy loves it. No, absolutely.

[Dax Shepard]

She has to love it. And then. So you're looking for visual indicators.

[Nikki Glaser]

I want her to be a little scared.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, you do?

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. But, like, it's scared in a way she likes. Like the way people watch horror films. They're scared, but they like it. Like, I like her to eventually come. I like forced orgasm. Have you ever been into that where the girl's tied up and she's like, you know, like, after you come as a woman, multiple. Multiple orgasms after you come, it's so sensitive. And after a guy comes, like, don't touch a guy's penis after he comes, be very gentle because it hurts. Because it's so sensitive. It's like a girl being forced to, like, keep coming even after it hurts. But then it feels good again. But it's like, it hurts so good. It's called forced orgasm. And it's like girls being tied down. I always fought orgasms because they just feel like a loss of control that I wasn't comfortable with. I couldn't do it for a really long time.

[Monica Padman]

Even when you were by yourself?

[Nikki Glaser]

Well, once I incorporated toys, but this is like my 30s until I actually was. Because I was so embarrassed. Because you look weird when you come and you sound weird. And it's like really vulnerable. So vulnerable. And so I never let myself do it. But then force orgasm. It's like, it's not my fault. He made me, like, I didn't want it. So I getting what I want without being responsible at all. Like, I didn't want to scream and look stupid and squirt all over the place or whatever happens.

[Monica Padman]

Like, that's not on me.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. And then I think that's what's tied up in that.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

Literally.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. It's fascinating, isn't it?

[Monica Padman]

It is fascinating.

[Dax Shepard]

We're fascinating as humans.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

We're so similar. And then also we're fascinating in these unique ways.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. But I do feel like porn does rot your brain. Like, I'm trying to take a break from it because my ideal sex is, like, being tied up and like all these things that require a lot.

[Dax Shepard]

The guy pulls his Sibian out of his briefcase and sets it up in your room.

[Nikki Glaser]

Exactly like I need him to go to.

[Monica Padman]

At least you have real sex. I mean, the problem is for these young people who haven't had real sex and are just watching this and they think that really is.

[Nikki Glaser]

That's the problem. Or they can't get off to anything that isn't their hand without lube. Or like, they don't even get off to a wet vagina because it's too slippery and not tight enough because. Because they're just jerking dry. I have a friend who literally jerked dry so much as a kid and so tightly that vaginas are literally nothing to him. Like, he can't come to a vagina because it's.

[Dax Shepard]

Can we interview him?

[Nikki Glaser]

You could. He would talk about it extensively. Shout out Andrew Collins. He's a comedian and he does a bit about it. He's hilarious. And like, yes, I think it's bad for us, but I'm not doing it in succession. Like, I've read about people with porn addictions where they come and then they have to do it again.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Or they'll spend the whole day I

[Nikki Glaser]

just hit a vape and then I'll maybe eat too much and then. Then until I fall asleep, I'll rinse and repeat. You go from one thing to the next. Do you ever do that where you're like, I jerked off. Okay, now I guess I can eat. I'm done eating. I'm full. So now I'll vape weed. Now I'm anxious. I'm going to horny again. Let me maybe tired enough.

[Dax Shepard]

Sounds like a great day. Nikki, I love having you.

[Nikki Glaser]

I can't believe after this conversation we go from that to I have to go spirit tunnel down the spirit tunnel like a good Christian woman that has never done nothing.

[Monica Padman]

You're going to do. So great. Thank you.

[Nikki Glaser]

Find a clip for my special to play on Jennifer Hudson. It was all too dirty and it was not even cussing.

[Monica Padman]

Good for you.

[Dax Shepard]

Now, this will be my first time, but I think I'm going to set my DVR for Jennifer Hudson because I want to see how this turns out.

[Nikki Glaser]

Look at it. Look at it online.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, I don't know how to do that.

[Nikki Glaser]

Please don't watch it. It's going to be so embarrassing. I'm building it up too much.

[Dax Shepard]

Don't watch. Good girl.

[Nikki Glaser]

Too vulnerable. It's too exposing. I feel like if you watch it, you know, way too much. About me and I'm uncomfortable with it. If you watch it, just don't tell me in public because I get too embarrassed unless you absolutely loved it or something. But if just watched. That's the worst. I saw your special end of. And then they just sit and you're like, oh, you know, like, that's the worst. But if you know me, don't watch it because I can't hang out with.

[Dax Shepard]

I walked into Kristen's set yesterday. I went and visited her on set of her show, and I stumbled into someone I know, and he goes, oh, hey, you look in and there's this long pause and he goes, tan. And I was like, oh, my God. He went through everything he could possibly compliment me on, and the only thing he could think of is tan. And I'm not sure.

[Nikki Glaser]

Do you think that you looking was. He was going to say something else and he goes, that might upset him.

[Dax Shepard]

Like, he looked at me and he first thought, he's like, God, he looks so old. But he's like, I can't.

[Monica Padman]

That could be too.

[Nikki Glaser]

I'm going to say it. It could be it.

[Dax Shepard]

It was a long pause and then tan. I was like, well, that's what you landed on.

[Nikki Glaser]

I think it's almost like you're saying, looking as jacked as you might not be what's in anymore. So him commenting on that might be insulting to you. Like, that's where we're at now.

[Dax Shepard]

I know. I'm watching the manosphere thing. I'm like, God, these guys have really bastardized being in shape.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, I know.

[Dax Shepard]

It's really stood up for us. Like, nice guys who want to be in shape.

[Nikki Glaser]

I know. The other day I was at Pilates and this really hot girl, perfect Pilates, body model, hair, just perfect skin and everything. I just caught her looking me up and down, really taking it. And then she caught me seeing her, and she felt really bad because she was in a judgmental state of mind. I looked like shit. I was wearing, like, crocs with socks. Like, black socks, white crocs. I looked really bad. I really did. And I catch her seeing me and she feels bad, and so she has to come up with a compliment. She did the same thing. She goes, I love your I love your phone case. And I was like, that's all we got. And the funny part is I had just gotten one of those pop sockets on my phone case with a fucking big heart. That was like a jelly heart. That was so not this woman's style. It was horrific. It didn't Even match my case. Like, I put it on the day

[Dax Shepard]

before, and that was the favorite thing she had seen.

[Nikki Glaser]

And she goes, it's so basic. Like, she followed it up with it. And I go, is that in now to say basic? It was so.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Like you're being ironic.

[Nikki Glaser]

I was like, I got a chopped girl's compliment of like, she couldn't find anything.

[Monica Padman]

She, like, couldn't stop or.

[Nikki Glaser]

It was so awesome.

[Dax Shepard]

Really, it's kind of great, man, Watching someone, like, ratchet through everything they could possibly see and see, like, where the wheels going to.

[Nikki Glaser]

She's just like, can't do the shoes, socks, can't do the spray tan that's falling off the set. Doesn't match.

[Dax Shepard]

I think there's lettuce in the teeth.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. And it was such a long pause.

[Dax Shepard]

It was probably the fastest thinking she had done in years. Like, like, terminate. No, no, no, no, no, no. Negative, negative, negative. Not a match. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

[Nikki Glaser]

She looked like. I don't even think I was holding my phone case. It was like three feet from me. And she's like, phone case. It was so good. Oh, no.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, I love it. Okay, Nikki, please come back a bunch, a bunch of times.

[Nikki Glaser]

We love you guys so much. I remember telling you, like, I actually want to be friends with you and I want to get lunch. I stand by that. I think about you all the time because I sometimes want to say that to girls to give them a just nice thing to say.

[Monica Padman]

Yes, to be nice.

[Nikki Glaser]

And I never do because I'm like. Then it takes away what it meant when I told Monica, like, it literally, I don't do it. Cuz I go, I say that for you. I really. You're the only person that I've said that to that I actually mean. And I'm so sorry it hasn't happened, but I really, like. I think about you all the time when I'm compelled to say that to people. So it's. It means a lot to me. And it means a lot to me that you invited me. You're housewarming, and we DM all the time. You say the nicest things and I haven't really heard from you, but I feel like you can step it up a little bit. No. We had the best text conversation after my last appearance that impacted me greatly of what a great person you are. Friends that, like, whether we talk or not, that is in my corner. And it made me feel so special.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, I'm at your disposal anytime you ever need it.

[Nikki Glaser]

I adore you so Nice. So thank you for that.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

Thank you for today.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, we'll come back and let' it again. Everyone watch the Freedom Tunnel. What is it? Spirit. Spirit tunnel.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. Please don't.

[Dax Shepard]

I sure hope there weren't any mistakes in that episode, but we'll find out when my mom, Mrs. Monica, comes in and tells us what was wrong. I'm currently racing around Coda on a motorcycle circuit of America.

[Monica Padman]

We can't wait to start over.

[Dax Shepard]

Why?

[Monica Padman]

There was food in my teeth, but I was talking.

[Dax Shepard]

They won't be on you.

[Monica Padman]

You don't know.

[Dax Shepard]

Cut to her, make sure you're on her.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, you.

[Dax Shepard]

They won't show up.

[Monica Padman]

I don't trust the parts I didn't see.

[Dax Shepard]

Where was the food at?

[Monica Padman]

Up here?

[Dax Shepard]

How do you know? You felt it with your tongue part. Okay, I didn't see it.

[Monica Padman]

I felt it.

[Dax Shepard]

Your lips covered it.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, they saved you.

[Monica Padman]

Go on.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, that's. That's. Currently. I may be. You might be hearing my voice right now, but currently, as this comes out, I am on the track in Austin.

[Monica Padman]

Okay, and tell us what that means.

[Dax Shepard]

It means I go to the racetrack where they host the Formula One and the MotoGP race. There's a race on Sunday. I think it's the third round of the season. And then, then the following Monday, Aprilia does this track day. They make motorcycles. They have a bunch of motorcycles there. And you ride all day long on

[Monica Padman]

the track, but you're racing in the competition.

[Dax Shepard]

No, there's no competition. You're just out there, okay, racing yourself. Whoever's out there is who you're racing.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, okay.

[Dax Shepard]

You're trying to pass people.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, but there's no checkered flag.

[Monica Padman]

All right?

[Dax Shepard]

That's not true. There is a checkered flag at the end of every session. Yeah. The sessions are 20 minute sessions. And as you're riding on the track, you'll notice someone's waving the checkered flag. That means come in. You gotta put your. Your leg off the side of the motorcycle, let people know you're pulling into the pits. You know, these are little safety.

[Monica Padman]

I know.

[Nikki Glaser]

You know what I like?

[Monica Padman]

I like that each industry has their own verbiage and their own little ways of being that are specific to traditions. They're just niche, niche elements. And it's like if you know it, you're in.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, there's several different flags that can be waved.

[Monica Padman]

Like when you wave the white flag, it means war is over.

[Dax Shepard]

No, white flag means one last lap.

[Monica Padman]

Okay?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Doesn't it also mean the war is over.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, that's a surrender. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Great.

[Dax Shepard]

What you don't want is the black flag. If they point the black flag at you, you've done a bozo error and you are being asked to leave the track because you're a dingus.

[Monica Padman]

Another example of black things being bad and white things being good.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, how do you explain the checkered flag? It's half black and it means you've won the race. I mean, it's the best.

[Monica Padman]

Well, whatever. That's an anomaly. But the, but the black flag is bad and the white flag is hip hip hooray.

[Dax Shepard]

No, it's, well, surrender. In your case, that means whites are weak.

[Monica Padman]

Well, no, it's.

[Nikki Glaser]

War is over.

[Monica Padman]

Everyone's happy.

[Dax Shepard]

I don't think the site that surrenders generally happy when they were waving that flag.

[Monica Padman]

The world is happy.

[Dax Shepard]

I've never had to wave it. But I'm guessing as you're waving, it's not your happiest hour.

[Monica Padman]

Just keep your ears peeled for, you know, when you hear the word black in front of. I changed Jess's life by bringing this up.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, you did?

[Monica Padman]

Tell me how he now he see. He sees it everywhere.

[Dax Shepard]

Tell me.

[Monica Padman]

And he's always texting me, giving me examples of, you know, black. Now I can't think of any.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, okay. Black cat.

[Monica Padman]

Right. Bad luck, black cat, you know. Yeah, things like that.

[Dax Shepard]

But here's where you get to decide. Do you think it's about black people or said that. Right. I'm saying you get to decide if you think that's in reference to black people or that darkness is night, light is day. Darkness is when it's scary. In blackness, you can't see anything. You're more vulnerable. Like, is it about light or is it about people? And then you. If you decide it's about people, then yeah, it's going to be.

[Monica Padman]

We just don't know. We know that black. Yeah. Has a, has a often negative connotation. Correct.

[Dax Shepard]

But is it based in darkness or in people?

[Monica Padman]

Well, it could, it could be all mixy moo.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Monica Padman]

You know. Yeah, it could be chicken or the egg. It could be. There's a lot, you know. There's a lot. Yeah, there's a lot there.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

But anyway, just keep your ears peeled. It's kind of. It is actually kind of interesting and fun.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, I've, I've, I've been aware of that in the past myself.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. But I don't think it's about black people. I think it's about lack of light.

[Monica Padman]

Okay, well, we just don't know. We won't know.

[Dax Shepard]

We'll never know unless we find out who first set up Black Cat is bad luck. Bad luck. We'll define that. We're not going to find that person. That's got to be. They got to be long dead.

[Monica Padman]

I would love to invite them to my ghost discussion group. My ghost celebrity dinner party.

[Dax Shepard]

Who would be at your celebrity.

[Monica Padman]

My ghost one? Yeah, it's a great question. You know who I would invite? I would invite JonBenet Ramsey.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, give me some answers, girl. You want to find out?

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, I really want to find out.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, that's a fun idea is inviting people that could answer mysteries.

[Nikki Glaser]

Exactly.

[Monica Padman]

I want answers.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Who else would I want there? Who?

[Dax Shepard]

Jesus. Right. Really? You don't want to try to get eyes on them to see if he was like a snake oil salesman or sincere or truly the son of God or. You don't even want to know.

[Monica Padman]

I don't. Well, this is. People might be very offended by this. I'm just like not all that intrigued by Jesus.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah.

[Monica Padman]

I'm intrigued by what people have done.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, he's clearly the most famous man to ever live. So in that respect, I would not

[Monica Padman]

because of necessary necessarily who he was. Like, I think he might be boring at my table. Like I want.

[Nikki Glaser]

And like, are.

[Monica Padman]

Is he gonna get along with JonBenet Ramsay?

[Dax Shepard]

I think. Well, if he's. If there's any kid, there's anything everyone agrees about him. He was very nice. He was a very nice, forgiving.

[Monica Padman]

Well, he was nice, but he was like. He had opinions. He had strong, morally like, good opinions.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, the opinions were definitely. I agree with his forgive.

[Monica Padman]

And I just don't know if Jomine Ramsey is gonna like, feel judged.

[Nikki Glaser]

Actually.

[Monica Padman]

She.

[Dax Shepard]

She was a child. So it's gonna be a rough dinner party guest regardless.

[Monica Padman]

Maybe she can like come for the beginning and leave.

[Dax Shepard]

Come for dessert. That'll be the big surprise at the end of dinner. It's like we're gonna find out the end of a big mystery. Jimmy Hoffa. You could also invite and find out what happened to him. Who killed him?

[Monica Padman]

Who's he?

[Dax Shepard]

Very famous. He was a. The name sir boss.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, right. There's that movie about him.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. I want to say De Niro played Hoffa.

[Monica Padman]

Maybe Scorsese movie.

[Dax Shepard]

Uh huh. And there's a bazillion rumors about how he was killed. There's allegations he was mobbed up. He was taking teamster money to I think invest in casinos. There was a lot of action happening.

[Nikki Glaser]

I'm good.

[Dax Shepard]

You don't need to know about him.

[Monica Padman]

I don't need to know about him. But, oh, you know who I want to have? Charles Manson. Not at the same time as JonBenet Ramsey. I'm going to keep those two apart.

[Dax Shepard]

He's not invited to dessert.

[Monica Padman]

He's there for apps and apps only. But I really. I want to. That's someone like, kind of how you're describing Jesus. Yeah, that's how I feel about Charles Manson. Like he got all these people under his spell.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

And I want to see that.

[Dax Shepard]

You want to see if he can put you under his spell?

[Monica Padman]

I just want to see what his personality. Like, how do you do.

[Dax Shepard]

What if he. What if he converts you in that limited time? You're not afraid of that?

[Monica Padman]

I don't think there'll be time for us to go, like, do a big murder.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Monica Padman]

So I think it's fine.

[Dax Shepard]

But I wonder if he could woo you into thinking he is the Messiah.

[Monica Padman]

I know.

[Dax Shepard]

By the way, it could be a messiah. Only dinner. And it's a lot of people who've claimed to be the Messiah.

[Monica Padman]

That would be really interesting. And then see how they clash because they're all going to be like, really gunning.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm going to have Muhammad at mine as well. The prophet for Islam. I'm going to find. I try to get a read on him as well.

[Monica Padman]

Okay, so you're gonna have Jesus and Muhammad.

[Dax Shepard]

The thing about Jesus is everything we know about him was written a couple hundred years after he died, unfortunately. So I do want to know, like, how accurate the description is with.

[Monica Padman]

With the real man.

[Dax Shepard]

I would certainly also people would be. That's such a good future dinner party story is to say I had dinner with Jesus.

[Monica Padman]

Rob, if Dax and I came to you and we said we both came from dinner parties, who do you want to talk to? Me who had JonBenet Ramsey or Dax who had Jesus? You only get to pick one of us and learn information. What would you pick?

[Dax Shepard]

Probably Jesus. I think this is gendered. I don't think men are as consumed with what happened to JonBenet Ramsey. And just across the board, I'm willing to go out on a limb and say that. I think, like, I'm not terribly into interested in finding out. Not because I don't think it's terrible that she died, but it makes no difference that she's unfortunately passed. It's not gonna heal anything for me.

[Monica Padman]

It's gonna bring Closure to a very open ended question. That's very haunting. Like, I, I just really want to know if it's the brother.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh my God.

[Dax Shepard]

Do you think, See, I, I don't even know that that's an option. Yeah, I don't either.

[Monica Padman]

No Shade. And if he listens to this podcast, great, actually. And I, I, I thank you for listening and I hope.

[Dax Shepard]

Where did you hear this theory? How about you tell me where you heard this theory later?

[Monica Padman]

Very, very common theory.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. And you, did you watch a dog

[Monica Padman]

in the head with his bowl of pineapple and milk?

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay.

[Monica Padman]

And it killed her.

[Dax Shepard]

That's a real serious bludgeon.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, no, no, it's.

[Dax Shepard]

How old is he?

[Monica Padman]

Well now, I don't know.

[Dax Shepard]

At that time.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, he was a kid too.

[Dax Shepard]

That's why power to.

[Monica Padman]

There's a few theories about the brother taking out some aggression on JonBenet Ramsey and the parents, of course. Of course. I would do this too.

[Nikki Glaser]

Maybe.

[Monica Padman]

Actually I don't want to say that the parents did not want to turn in their child.

[Dax Shepard]

Sure. No.

[Monica Padman]

So just lost one. How all this happened.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, that's, that's an acting theory.

[Monica Padman]

That's a big theory.

[Dax Shepard]

I can give you another example. I have no interest in finding out if there's more than one shooter for jfk. Like, I'm totally satisfied with that. It was Lee Harvey Oswald.

[Monica Padman]

Right.

[Dax Shepard]

I don't, I wouldn't waste a guest on that. I don't. It doesn't keep me up at night trying to figure out throughout that whole

[Monica Padman]

thing, oh, you know who that reminds me of, who I, I would have. But can I, can I do a two for one?

[Dax Shepard]

I guess. Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Okay. It's a couple, so let's just act like they're one. You know, JFK Jr. And Carolyn Bessette Kennedy.

[Dax Shepard]

Because you're watching the show.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. And I'm just, I've always been sort of very intrigued by them. And she's so fashion. Just like, I wonder. And I, I do want to know last moments.

[Dax Shepard]

Like oh my God. From the airplane.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Like what.

[Monica Padman]

How did you it feel? Like what did you have peace? No, like things like that. Like did, did peace happen?

[Dax Shepard]

Well, you're not watching Madison. I can't imagine. Madison's a new Taylor Sheridan show. I'm watching it, cuz Kevin Zers is on it.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, your friend.

[Dax Shepard]

And Zegers plays a very handsome, studly cowboy. It's very fun to watch him in that role. But the first episode, Kurt Russell and his brother die in a small aircraft and they get into weather and yeah. As it's being at least executed in that, I'm like, yeah, you're completely blind all of a sudden. You're like now staring at gauges. You don't know where you're at in time and space. And then you crash. It's terrible, horrible. Like the feeling of everyone being disoriented. Like, I don't know if we're flying up or down or sideways or left or right and it's blind.

[Monica Padman]

I mean, but I just wonder what happens to your nerv. Like, I wonder if you really know. You're like, yeah, well, I again, I

[Dax Shepard]

had that experience when rolling in the car. I was like, oh, yeah, this is it.

[Monica Padman]

I know it wasn't it. Thank God.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, yes, but whether you know or not, when you can decide this is going to end fatally is what I'm sharing with you.

[Nikki Glaser]

I know.

[Monica Padman]

I just wonder if that. I guess that's sort of the thing I'm saying we, we can't know what the difference is from feeling like. Like you're going to die and dying to feeling like you're going to die and not dying. I just wonder like there might be some chem. True chemical difference that's happening in our bodies.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. I'm only offering you what it was like when my equivalent of looking out and we can't see anything and we're looking at instruments and you go, oh, yeah, we're about to die. This is how that goes. So I've had that experience.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

And that experience. Experience was far less terrifying than I would have guessed. My surrender to it was weirdly peaceful.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. Well, I want to ask them and I want to ask them how they feel about the show that's currently out.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. You want to see if they're watching it?

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, I just want to see how they feel about a show being made about their lives. And if they're like, actually, like, it's fine. Or if they're like, yeah, this is not accurate. And we're were pretty pissed about it.

[Dax Shepard]

Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert if you dare. I would never want a show portraying what was happening inside of my house by people who were not inside my house. I would never, ever want them.

[Monica Padman]

I don't think anyone would want.

[Dax Shepard]

I don't think you, even if you did a nice job and it was. It was flattering, you would miss what's Happening special about our family. And I don't want you telling a version of our family that's not the real version. I'm not, you know.

[Monica Padman]

Right. I mean. Yeah. I'm sure that's what Prince Harry feels

[Dax Shepard]

when he's watching the crown. Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

That's such a good show, though, because

[Dax Shepard]

the whole show is about the interpersonal.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. The queen, his grandma.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. There is no show other than the interpersonal dynamics and. No, the. The writers weren't there and his dad

[Monica Padman]

and all those things.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, it's tough.

[Dax Shepard]

I guess then the question, the moral question is like, so we just agree it's like, not good for the family. That's pretty obvious. And then you got, I guess, weigh that against societally. Is there some greater good that you should be asked to just deal with and sacrifice that? And I'm open to that argument. I'd love to hear it presented succinctly.

[Monica Padman]

This is circling back to our last fact check because we do talk about this show and I, you know, say, like, I recognize this is like, not a good show to actually be consuming, and yet I kind of can't stop.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

No, I don't think there's any greater good that telling the. The romanticized version of JFK Jr. And Carolyn. Beside. I don't think that's doing anything for society other than. Than. Other than if it's. If someone's having a dark time and they're enjoying that show so much and it's like pulling them out of some depression, great. But that's so individual. I don't think we could say, like, as a whole.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah.

[Monica Padman]

That. That is worth it. Let's see. There really are not many facts for Nikki, but it was such a great episode and I just love her.

[Dax Shepard]

I did too. She's. She's equal parts hilarious and self aware and smart.

[Monica Padman]

She is all those things.

[Dax Shepard]

Dream guest.

[Monica Padman]

She's a great guest.

[Dax Shepard]

Are you gonna watch her stand up special or are you gonna heed her. Her plea to not watch it?

[Monica Padman]

I'm gonna watch.

[Nikki Glaser]

I have to watch it.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

I wanna watch it so bad. But I heard her say, don't.

[Dax Shepard]

You will just. I think she also made it clear that if you watch it, just don't tell her. You did.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, exactly. I'm not going to.

[Dax Shepard]

So when you did you go.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, we hung out.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, you did?

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

What you guys do?

[Monica Padman]

We had lunch. It was such a lovely time and I like her so much. Yeah, we really, you know, you're around some. You, you know when you just like, get the vibe, you're like, I really could be friends with this person.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

When you, I mean, on the show yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

[Monica Padman]

I don't. I actually don't feel that that often, but I did feel it with Nikki. And after the first appearance, she DMed me. I think you guys exchanged numbers. She DMed me and said I was too nervous to ask for your number.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, that's so cute.

[Monica Padman]

So cute. But I want to hang out anyway. So we hung out and. And I was right. And I was like, yeah, yeah, we're. We're meant to be friends.

[Dax Shepard]

Simpatico.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

She's really, really cool. Seeing of another time I did this. Maybe the only other time. Kate Mara.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Monica Padman]

Is in a show, Imperfect Women. Currently.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

And there's only two episodes out. I didn't know that. So I started the show, blew through those two, and I was like, oh, you know, had to throw a tantrum because it was only two episodes out.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

And I. And she doesn't live here anymore. She lives on the east coast, which is very sad, annoying. And I, like, picked up my family phone to text her and it was 2:00am Our time.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. So 5:00am 5:00am And I was like, it.

[Monica Padman]

You're up at 2:00am Yeah, I was watching.

[Dax Shepard]

You're wild. You get.

[Monica Padman]

I told you, right? That my mom, when my mom was visiting, she does the same thing.

[Dax Shepard]

She binges and she'll watch until 2. And how late will she sleep?

[Monica Padman]

She likes to sleep.

[Dax Shepard]

She'll get her eight hours in, no matter what time she goes to bed. And then she peels back the time over the next few days.

[Monica Padman]

No, she just keeps it going.

[Dax Shepard]

Just keeps going. Good for her. She a vampire. She's a vamp.

[Monica Padman]

Yep. Anyway, so I. I was like, I can't in, like, good conscience text Kate right now at that. This hour.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Monica Padman]

But I. So I waited until the morning, and as soon as I woke up, I said two episodes.

[Dax Shepard]

You.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

She giving you a link or anything? She's working on it. Okay, good, good, good, good, good, good, good.

[Monica Padman]

But I'm in.

[Nikki Glaser]

I'm hooked. It'.

[Monica Padman]

It's got its hooks in me, and I want to know.

[Dax Shepard]

Delta's away at a fun camp. Oh, with the school.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

So exciting. Lincoln had gone to the same one with school and loved it. It's where she learned that Uranus is a gaseous planet. There's a part two to it. Oh, that's great.

[Monica Padman]

Okay.

[Dax Shepard]

Anyway, she's there, which means we've had two nights without her where the three of us can watch whatever we want. And Lincoln is now older, so she has an appetite for more Adult drama, intense shows.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

So the three of us love Paradise.

[Monica Padman]

I was about to start season two last night, and I didn't yet.

[Dax Shepard]

You're gonna love it.

[Monica Padman]

Ooh, I can't wait.

[Dax Shepard]

And we got all the way through seven. There's only eight episodes.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, they do this.

[Dax Shepard]

And now we're in trouble as Delta returns. Oh, and we are dying to see the resolution of this season.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, no. She just send her to my house to hang for a bit.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

You guys secretly watch.

[Dax Shepard]

She likes this. Korean high school drama is very Beverly Hills 90210. But it's in Korea.

[Monica Padman]

Cool.

[Dax Shepard]

And you know, I was laying with her in bed, going to watch an episode of that before we go to bed. And you know those shows get me any high school drama. I'm in. There's so much drama in high school. So many people like so many people and they like the wrong person. They like their best friend's friend or boyfriend. And it is. It's a juicy playground for drama.

[Monica Padman]

Hard time to live.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. So I love that. That's so cute. Delta's into like these kind of high school drama. Oh, and then I showed. I showed them all. Can't buy me love a few nights ago.

[Monica Padman]

Movie.

[Dax Shepard]

Favorite movie. Dempsey. I'm going to say it in public. Patrick Dempsey, who's currently so handsome.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, he's smoke show.

[Monica Padman]

He is.

[Dax Shepard]

He was so cute as a teenager and very, very Timothy Chalamet. It's a very similar vibe. And I'm like, yeah, he was our Timothy Chalamet, but he just kind of interesting. Disappeared for a while and then popped back up as a super handsome adult. Adult male.

[Monica Padman]

Grey's Anatomy.

[Dax Shepard]

But he's got that same wiry, super alive eye. He is incredible in camp. I mean, love. What a movie. Yeah, they loved it.

[Monica Padman]

He's so handsome.

[Dax Shepard]

He is really handsome. Him or Noah Wiley?

[Monica Padman]

Don't make me. I mean, obviously Noah Wiley.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, great.

[Monica Padman]

Just because like the whole thing. He's such a good doctor.

[Dax Shepard]

So was McDreamy.

[Nikki Glaser]

Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

He might have even be better. I don't even know. No, but I didn't watch.

[Monica Padman]

I mean, he was a great. He was a great, really good doctor.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, brain.

[Nikki Glaser]

I know. Hot.

[Monica Padman]

But, you know, he's only had one role as a doc, so I like I, I, I. Grain of salt.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay.

[Monica Padman]

You know, Noah Wiley is a doctor at this point.

[Dax Shepard]

He's done too.

[Monica Padman]

I think someone should give him his MD for real.

[Dax Shepard]

Sure. He has an honorary. He's always out at colleges and doctor conventions and in front of Congress, he

[Monica Padman]

is like, I know.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Monica Padman]

He's doing the right thing. I've never. Patrick Dempsey is always, like, riding motorcycles with you? No, he's never at the rape treatment center.

[Dax Shepard]

He's racing cars. I had. It was a. It was. It was a big moment for me because the girls got super interested in him after Can't Buy Me Love, and they want to see pictures of him now. And then they realized, oh, they had seen him on the commercials for that thing. And then Kristen said, he's also a really good driver, like Daddy. And I said, yeah, he's even. He's faster.

[Monica Padman]

Whoa.

[Dax Shepard]

I don't know. He does. I don't know how he does in rally. I don't know how he does drifting. I don't know his full suite of skills, but on a road course, he's faster. And I admitted that to my children, and it was. It was not easy for me.

[Monica Padman]

How'd you feel afterwards? Like, totally fine.

[Dax Shepard]

Honest. They still loved me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I added, we're probably the two fastest drivers of all actors on Planner. They probably were embarrassed about that second part. I said, yeah, yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Like, you could have stopped there.

[Dax Shepard]

I think more. Kristen was like, oh, wow, you're gonna say that? And I go, yeah, he is. He is a lot more track time.

[Monica Padman]

How should I reciprocate? Like, I should say someone's better than me at something that I feel a lot of pride in.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. So what would that.

[Monica Padman]

Okay, Fashion.

[Dax Shepard]

There we go. Oh, good. Who's more fashionable than you?

[Monica Padman]

Well, that's actually. I mean, like, so many people.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay.

[Nikki Glaser]

Well, are they.

[Monica Padman]

Because they get styled. Street style.

[Dax Shepard]

There's another. Is there another podcaster that has better style than you?

[Monica Padman]

I mean, there's, like, a Vogue podcast. So those girls are gonna.

[Dax Shepard]

You would hold.

[Monica Padman]

They're gonna be as fashionable as me.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Monica Padman]

I'm kidding. No, actually, there are two hosts of the Vogue podcast, and I know for certain at least one of them is far more fashionable than me.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, are they independent from the podcast, like fashion journalists? Like, what are their bonafides? They work at Vogue.

[Monica Padman]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Monica Padman]

One of them is the current editor.

[Dax Shepard]

That's a tricky job because it's not. You're not starting at 500,000 a year yet. You're going to be expected to have impeccable style. So what do they do? Are they getting freebies?

[Monica Padman]

Well, these girls are, like. They, like, run Vogue, basically, so they have money.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Monica Padman]

But, like, yeah, when you. Like when you interview at Vogue and You have to look perfect and.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

You don't have much money.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

That is fashion on another level. Because you can, like, put together an outfit out of. Not a lot. Out of trash gear. Yeah. Why don't we just say this Mindy is just, like, better than me across the board.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh.

[Nikki Glaser]

At everything.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow. Not gymnastics, not cheer.

[Monica Padman]

Never seen her do those things.

[Nikki Glaser]

So I will say parallel parking.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, you think I'm good at parallel parking?

[Dax Shepard]

I think you're better than her. I'm going to. I'm going to go out on a limb and say you're better than her.

[Nikki Glaser]

That's crazy.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

I. I'm.

[Monica Padman]

I'm only. Okay.

[Dax Shepard]

I think you're better.

[Monica Padman]

I don't actually.

[Dax Shepard]

I've assessed her from afar. Is not being as good as you. That's. At parallel parking.

[Monica Padman]

I feel actually weirdly defensive of.

[Nikki Glaser]

I know.

[Dax Shepard]

It's a. Interesting.

[Nikki Glaser]

It is.

[Monica Padman]

Because. You know why? Because she grew up in a city.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Not driving.

[Monica Padman]

No.

[Nikki Glaser]

She.

[Monica Padman]

You have to drive in Boston.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Monica Padman]

But I think you have to parallel park more. I never had to parallel park until Los Angeles. Driver's test in Atlanta once. And then when I arrived in Los Angeles.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Monica Padman]

It was my second time. So I.

[Dax Shepard]

You think she's better.

[Monica Padman]

I think she's better than me at parallel parking.

[Dax Shepard]

All right.

[Monica Padman]

She's a better writer than me. There's no. There's no question.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, but is that your primary identity?

[Monica Padman]

I. I have a lot of pride in my writing. Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

As you should.

[Monica Padman]

Thank you.

[Dax Shepard]

My driving's above my acting, my podcasting, my writing, my lovemaking, my. Everything.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, my God.

[Monica Padman]

What is mine?

[Dax Shepard]

It's tied with fighting, I think.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, no, these are. Dad, no.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Can fighting, like, at this point.

[Nikki Glaser]

Point.

[Monica Padman]

Come down at this point?

[Dax Shepard]

No, it's very much who I am, and it's very much. Yeah. No. Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

Like, did you see this thing? This is incredible. Do you see this viral. Viral thing? The guy who plays Jack Reacher. Alan Richson, who plays Jack Reacher. He's enormous.

[Monica Padman]

Okay. Oh, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Look at him. He's a. A beast.

[Monica Padman]

We have a picture of him up for the listener.

[Dax Shepard]

I can't believe you haven't. None of the. These videos have come across your Instagram. So he was riding a motorcycle in his neighborhood in Texas with his two boys riding little motorcycles behind him. Apparently they had done some laps. He happened to have a body camera on.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, okay.

[Dax Shepard]

And neighbors are filming from across the street. So this whole thing is very, very documented.

[Monica Padman]

What happened.

[Dax Shepard]

This one neighbor, this really big guy. From. He's not from here. He has some kind of a. I don't. I don't want to offend anyone. I don't know if he's got an English accent or Australia. Australian accent, whatever. He's got big dude comes out and just screaming at them, stop riding this. Stop riding these motorcycles. I'm calling the cop. He's chatting out, right? He's just a total chad. And he jumps in front of Richson's motorcycle.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, God.

[Dax Shepard]

And then Richard Richson falls. Oh, Alen falls. He gets up and he's telling the guy, get. Get away from me. Right? I'm gonna of bludgeon you. Get away from me. And the guy's still screaming at him in his face, pointing at him. He gets back on his motorcycle. He goes to pull away, and the guy stands in front of his motorcycle again and pushes him. And now he falls off his motorcycle again. And then Allen beats the shit out of this guy in the yard.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, no. This is like, not. This is what everyone wants to be. You want to be best at. Like, this is like. No.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Nikki Glaser]

I.

[Dax Shepard]

When a. When an asshole like that comes out and shoves me off my motorcycle in the street and thinks he can behave that way, I want the ability to show him he's not in choice.

[Monica Padman]

Guy is also thinking that that one

[Dax Shepard]

guy started the whole situation.

[Monica Padman]

He identifies that way too.

[Nikki Glaser]

That's the whole issue.

[Monica Padman]

It's two people who identify like that that come together and create chaos.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. And in your mind, it'd be better if the guy who's shoving people off his motorcycle got away with it.

[Nikki Glaser]

That guy sucks.

[Monica Padman]

I hate that guy. But that guy. My point is, that guy is also the. The same type of guy. He thinks he's defending the neighborhood.

[Dax Shepard]

He's not the same type of guy. Allen is not the type of guy that would be out in the street shoving strangers. So they're not the same type of guy at all. One guy's an. And one guy's a nice dude riding with his family. And then luckily, the bully in the situation did not have the upper hand. In fact, he didn't have anything back.

[Monica Padman]

A guy who likes to fight.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Allen didn't like to fight. He wasn't starting anything. But when he. When he was assaulted.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

He quickly had the upper hand over this bully. And that's a great.

[Monica Padman]

I'm fine with that. I'm just saying liking to fight.

[Dax Shepard]

No.

[Monica Padman]

Is not a quality. I think should be at the top

[Dax Shepard]

of your liking to not be subjugated by is what I like. So when a man, a stranger, comes out and tries to enact his will on you and stop what you're doing and shove you off your motorcycle, I like when that person doesn't have to be a victim, that you can get up and be the victor.

[Nikki Glaser]

Sure.

[Dax Shepard]

I like it a lot.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, that. But I'm. We were talking about your ranking of identity markers.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. So I want to be the guy that if you attack me and try to bully me or victimize me, you're not going to get away with it. That's a very important part of my identity as I move through the world.

[Monica Padman]

Okay. Well, anyway, Mindy, she's better than me at a lot of things. It's great. It is great. All right, now, only two facts. This is a picture of. Of Nikki as the masked singer. And remember, she told us she's a snowflake.

[Dax Shepard]

Had you seen that video, Rob? No, I have not. Ah, the guy, he went on some kind of podcast or something. The neighbor. And he's trying to act like he got assaulted. And all these people watch the video and break it down, and he's like. And then. And then I shoved him in, like. Okay, hold on, sir. So you left your house, you didn't call the cops on him, you decided to come out and confront him, and then you shoved him, and the police were like, not an assault, so he's got no charges against them yet. Okie doke.

[Monica Padman]

Okay.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my heaven.

[Monica Padman]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, she's like a space alien snowflake.

[Monica Padman]

Yep. Yep, she is. Wow, there's a lot going on with that mask.

[Dax Shepard]

I bet she loved that outfit.

[Monica Padman]

It's a fun outfit.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. That feels like her vibe.

[Monica Padman]

It also could be, like, a fun Halloween costume.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Heidi might end up in. Yeah, Heidi G. God bless her spirit, Heidi.

[Monica Padman]

She's so good at Halloween.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. I'm glad we have her.

[Monica Padman]

Me, too. Okay, so you quote a Garrison Keillor quote you said, but in truth, I don't want to just be adored. I want to be a sun God. The question is, do you know what essay came from? Because we can't find it.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, I can find it right now.

[Monica Padman]

And then maybe people can read it.

[Dax Shepard]

I just have to look up Tommy Schlamme. He's the one who sent it to me. I also wanted to share a quote I remember from Garrison Keillor's first book, Lake Wobbegon Days. Obviously inspired by your joyous conversation with hrc. I deflect every kind word directed to me, and my denials are much more extravagant than the praise. Good speech. Oh, it was way too long. I didn't know what I was talking about. I was just blathering on and on. I was glad when it was over. I do this under the impression that it is humility, a becoming quality in a person. Actually, I am starved for a good word. But after the long drought of my youth, no word is quite good enough. Good isn't enough. Under this thin veneer of modesty lies a monster of greed. I drive away faint praise, beating my little chest, waiting to be named Sun God, King of America, idol of Millions, Bringer of fire, the great Hajai Thundar, the boy giant. I don't want to say thanks. Glad you liked it. I want to say, rise, my people, remove your faces from the carpet stand. Look at me in the face. Isn't that great?

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Okay. First book.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Great. Yeah, I'm glad we got the whole thing.

[Dax Shepard]

And big shout out to Tommy Schlami, TV's greatest drama director to ever do it, for sending me that great quote.

[Nikki Glaser]

All right.

[Dax Shepard]

Love.