You Really Don't Need to Pay Me

Summary

Armstrong & Getty On Demand

Episode: "You Really Don't Need to Pay Me"

Date: June 2, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode of "Armstrong & Getty On Demand" delves into the peculiar intersections of law enforcement, human sexuality, and technology, with the hosts—Jack Armstrong and Joe Getty—using their signature irreverence and wit to explore uncomfortable topics. Key discussions include alleged law enforcement misconduct in massage parlors, the rise of AI-facilitated intimacy, and the profound social implications of blurring boundaries between humans and machines. The episode further meanders into territory about social norms, “creepiness,” and childhood nostalgia, all wrapped in their trademark banter.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Law Enforcement and "Penis Massages" (01:37–04:45)

• Preview of Upcoming Show: Jack teases a future segment about "penis massages and the law," referencing a Reason magazine article highlighting misconduct in certain police departments.
• Allegations: Police officers, in supposed anti-trafficking stings, are accused of frequenting illicit massage parlors for sexual services and sometimes stealing cash from the premises.
• Gray Areas: The hosts muse on how hard it is to police these situations, especially where language barriers and fear among workers make reporting crime unlikely.
• Notable Quote:
  • Jack Armstrong: "You don't really say anything because they don't speak English. You just go over and grab money. They stare at you with wide eyes hoping they don't get busted, and you walk out of there and come back next week and get another penis massage." (03:42)
• Memorable Joke:
  • Jack riffing on a police report: "There was no ejaculation at the end of my penis massage." (04:31)
  • Joe Getty: "There's the rub." (04:45)

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2. The Rise of AI "Digital Intimacy" & Masturbation Consultants (04:45–09:16)

• Story Introduction: Joe shares news of an AI startup, "Joi" (pronounced like "joie de vivre"), hiring people as "masturbation consultants" for their new "Daily Guided Masturbation" feature, offering $2,000/month to monitor the effect of AI-guided self-pleasure.
• Host Reactions:
  • Jack jokes about not needing any incentives to participate, and both hosts poke fun at the job description, which seeks applicants able to "describe sensations better than a sommelier describes a wine."
  • They lampoon the startup promise: "The most interesting what-do-you-do-for-a-living answer at any party." (06:17)
• Social Concerns: Both express grave concerns over AI intimacy:
  • Joe: "Jacking off is not intimacy. I don't think you know what that word means." (06:55)
  • Both agree the trend is isolating, with parallels drawn to the "Don't Date Robots" episode of Futurama (07:09).
• Societal Impact:
  • Jack suggests some regulatory framework may be necessary to prevent AI from mimicking human emotional or sexual relationships. Both agree it's a losing battle, but see creeping social harms.
  • Joe: "It's not for your good. It's to addict you so they can drain more of your time and money." (08:47)

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3. AI and Social Norms: Can/Should It Pretend to be Human? (09:16–12:37)

• Extensive Analogy: The hosts compare the “creepiness” factor of AI posing as human companions to the archetype of a suspicious ice cream truck operator—well-intentioned perhaps, but oblivious to social context.
• Jack’s Example: A real local man sells ice cream out of a stereotypical “creepy” van, sparking neighborhood jokes and a discussion about intent vs. appearance (09:16–10:56).
• Regulation Debate:
  • Jack: "Do you think there could be any rules around AI where you’re not allowed to pretend to be a human?... That part is the weirdest part to me." (11:17)
  • Joe: "You’d need a roundtable of constitutional lawyers to weigh this one... the answer is no, you can’t regulate." (11:39)
  • They both agree that empowering government to regulate “humanness” in AI could lead to overreach in a thousand other domains.

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4. Ending with Levity: Jobs, Hobbies, and Childhood (12:37–13:50)

• The masturbation consultant job comes back into humorous focus, as Joe and Jack riff on the absurdities of turning an act of pleasure into a paid chore:
  • Joe: "I'd hate to make my house payment that way... It's a chore instead of a hobby." (13:13–13:20)
  • Jack: "But then you're professional. You get to call yourself a professional." (13:24)
• Quick Nostalgia: The episode wraps with fond memories of ice cream trucks ("as a kid, it made us happy...") (13:38), contrasting new anxieties with simple joys.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On police misconduct in massage parlors:
  • Jack: "You got a bunch of perhaps illegals who don't speak much English, just trying to keep their jobs going. You want to take several hundred dollars, you can leave me alone. Fine. Come back next week and I'll give you another rub and tug." (04:12)
• AI as sexual companion:
  • Joe: "Jacking off is not intimacy. I don't think you know what that word means." (06:55)
• On AI as an isolating force:
  • Joe: "This is trying to perfect drawing humans away from humans and into just quasi sexual relationships with AI bots." (07:05)
• Should AI pretend to be human?:
  • Jack: "Why are you talking to me like you're a human instead of just answering my question?" (11:25)
• On the “masturbation consultant” job:
  • Joe: "I'd hate to make my house payment that way... It's a chore instead of a hobby." (13:13–13:20)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Police and "penis massages" scandal: 01:37–04:45
• AI masturbation consultants & tech intimacy: 04:45–09:16
• Cultural creepiness & AI regulation debate: 09:16–12:37
• Humorous wrap-up / ice cream nostalgia: 12:37–13:50

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Tone & Style

The episode is marked by frank, often darkly comedic banter. The hosts tackle controversial sexual and ethical topics with a mix of shock value, skepticism, and thoughtful concern for societal trends, never shying away from awkwardness but always returning to practical, sometimes nostalgic, observations about human behavior and culture.

Transcript

[Jack Armstrong]

This is an iHeart podcast guaranteed human

[America 250 Announcer]

this July 4th, come celebrate at America's Block Party hosted by America 250. America's Block Party is a can't miss 4th of July concert happening at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum. Experience music, performances from major artists, patriotic tributes and the kickoff to giving 4th, helping to make July 4th the largest day of giving in American history. It's more than just fireworks. Learn more about this landmark celebration at america250.org,

[Parent Listener]

with my mom and dad living in Orange county, when we bring my five and seven year old to visit, we are sometimes in for a two hour drive that could feel like 10.

[Camper Enthusiast]

Oh, as an avid camper, I know all about this. We'll pack up the RV and know this is either going to be the trip of a lifetime or a complete disaster.

[Parent Listener]

Which is why we load up the iPads with Lingokids before we even pull out of the driveway.

[Camper Enthusiast]

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[Parent Listener]

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[Camper Enthusiast]

Or really any ride, plane, train, hovercraft, whatever.

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[Parent Listener]

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[Camper Enthusiast]

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[Joe Getty]

Let's try this again. You really don't need to pay me. It's One More Thing. Armstrong and Getty One more Thing.

[Jack Armstrong]

Before we get to that, a tease for Wednesday's Armstrong and Getty radio show, in which we'll be talking about penis massages and the law. Reason magazine, which is a libertarian outfit, says that it's an ongoing problem.

[Joe Getty]

What's a magazine, grandpa?

[Jack Armstrong]

Okay, website says it's an ongoing problem across the country in some of your less ethical cop shops to in an attempt to, you know, stop human trafficking, go go to massage parlors, get your penis massaged as it says in Reason magazine. Well, it's accurate to prove that they do that sometimes going back multiple times

[Joe Getty]

to be good and sure you're building

[Jack Armstrong]

the evidentiary case here and regularly just grabbing cash from the place because these are like cash only businesses lots of times and there's no way for anybody to keep track of who took what cash or how much cash was there to start with or whatever. So apparently it happens according to Reason magazine. You know, and they, they work really hard to keep cops honest. Sometimes going too far toward the world of being practically anti cop in my mind. But they say that it happens very fairly commonly that in an attempt to stop human trafficking, there's a lot of, you know, getting a happy ending and just grabbing some cash out of the till and.

[Joe Getty]

Right.

[Jack Armstrong]

And very difficult to. Well, to police, if you will.

[Joe Getty]

Wow. So they're going to the rub and tuggery. They're getting the evidence, they're gathering the evidence. That's some good police work, Stan. And I'm not sure, though, she may

[Jack Armstrong]

have inadvertently done that. I'm going to go back again next Friday.

[Joe Getty]

But then it's the cop who says, look, I could either bust you or we could make this all go away.

[Jack Armstrong]

You don't really say anything because they don't speak English. You just go over and grab money. They stare at you with wide eyes hoping they don't get busted, and you walk out of there and come back next week and get another penis massage.

[Joe Getty]

So at that point, do you show them your badge or what? I'm unclear on how the scam works.

[Jack Armstrong]

That's a good question. I'll have to read the whole article. But anyway, it's not hard to imagine whether it happens a lot. I don't know, but it's not hard to imagine that, you know, there are bad cops. We know that. Had me an easy thing to get away. Get away with. You got a bunch of.

[Joe Getty]

And enjoyable.

[Jack Armstrong]

You got a bunch of perhaps illegals who don't speak much English, just trying to keep their jobs going. You want to take several hundred dollars, you can leave me alone. Fine. Come back next week and I'll give you another rub and tug.

[Joe Getty]

Yeah, wow. Unfortunately, we had not.

[Jack Armstrong]

They call it penis massages. It's kind of funny with one policeman who got busted saying there was no ejaculation at the end of my penis massage.

[Joe Getty]

Oh, for God's sake. We have not come.

[Jack Armstrong]

There's the rub.

[Joe Getty]

Thanks, Shakespeare. Being a shaking your spear. We had not compared notes before commencing this. And I'm afraid my thing is also sexual. And indeed, an AI startup says it will pay people $2,000 a month to masturbate. Joi. I believe it's joie, as in joie de vivre. The French expression for love of life says it will pay people $2,000 a month to pleasure themselves. They are hiring 10 masturbation consultants to test a feature of their AI system called Daily Guided Masturbation, which uses mood matched AI voice sessions to guide users through the experience. Participants slash employees.

[Jack Armstrong]

Yes, I don't feel like I need.

[Joe Getty]

Oh boy, oh boy. Participants would document how regular use affects stress, sleep quality, mood and confidence. The four week role is open to adults 18 and older in the US and the UK.

[Jack Armstrong]

Helps my sleep quality.

[Joe Getty]

The listing describes ideal. It makes you stop thinking about a certain topic anyway for a while. The listing describes ideal candidates as quote, articulate, observant and impossible. Possible to blush people who can describe sensations better than a sommelier describes a wine.

[Jack Armstrong]

Yeah.

[Joe Getty]

Posting also promises flexible scheduling.

[Jack Armstrong]

Keep it to yourself.

[Joe Getty]

And the most interesting what do you do for a living? Answer at any party. That's actually kind of a funny thing.

[Jack Armstrong]

Flexible hours. I like that.

[Joe Getty]

Yeah. So let's see. JOA AI is an online platform that includes AI generated avatars, voice interactions and personalized chat experiences built around companionship and intimacy. And they use the term digital intimacy in this. In this article. Jacking off is not intimacy. I don't think you know what that word means.

[Jack Armstrong]

It is.

[Joe Getty]

This is trying to perfect drawing humans away from humans and into just.

[Jack Armstrong]

Right.

[Joe Getty]

Quasi sexual relationships with AI bots.

[Jack Armstrong]

Right. It's like that clip we had from. What was that cartoon?

[Joe Getty]

Oh, Futurama.

[Jack Armstrong]

From Futurama.

[Joe Getty]

Don't date robots.

[Jack Armstrong]

Right. And just about how young men will never leave their homes again. Yeah.

[Joe Getty]

This is an attempt to normalize AI sex.

[Jack Armstrong]

Right. Yeah. I listened to if I might make this a little more erudite. I was listening to a podcast yesterday about AI and wondering if is there any guidelines we can get around the whole having personal relationships with these AI chatbots? Like can we make the AI chat companies. And we can't. But is there any way to discourage them from trying to form human bonds with people, whether it's just emotional or sexual or whatever make that illegal. Like, you know, you help me write a history paper or, or balance my checkbook or all that sort of stuff. Or cure cancer, all this sort of stuff. Fine. But the. Any attempt to play the role of a human being as a therapist or sexual partner or whatever we make illegal. I don't know how he would draw that line, but I can see the impulse to want to do it because I think it is going to be a problem. I think it's already a problem.

[Joe Getty]

You're right. It'll never happen. I wish there was some just, you know, social pressure way to make everybody or to help everybody agree that it's creepy.

[Jack Armstrong]

Right.

[Joe Getty]

It's creepy abnormal and it's exploitive. It's not, it's not for your good. It's to addict you so they can drain more of your time and money.

[Jack Armstrong]

Right.

[Joe Getty]

That.

[Jack Armstrong]

That way.

[Joe Getty]

Everybody knows a guy with a van who approaches your kid in the park and asks do you want to see my puppy? Is not some sort of puppy advocate, okay? He's got something else in mind. We've. People need to look at it like that. I do.

[Jack Armstrong]

There's a joke in the. Around the. It drives around a couple of towns near where I live. This white van, windowless van, beat up van, you know, like no hubcaps. Probably a two thousand dollar van. And the guy sells ice cream out of it. And. And everybody jokes about it all the time, including the kids. Like, hey look, it's the child abductor fan. But everybody knows to like stay away from it. I don't know if he's doing anything wrong. I think he's just a nice guy trying to sell ice cream, but creepy looking van.

[Joe Getty]

Somebody ought to pull him aside and say, hey Jim, listen, I know your heart's in the right place, but do you realize that you are mimicking precisely, and I mean in every detail what a child molester might do. Again, your ice cream's delicious and your intent, I know, is pure. But here's the problem.

[Jack Armstrong]

If your goal is to match up youths with an ice cream treat. And that's your only goal. Yes. I think I can help you out.

[Joe Getty]

Right, Exactly. It's like a guy who's trying to, you know, he's trying to spread the word on physical fitness and he jumps out of the bushes at women jogging at night.

[Jack Armstrong]

Good job.

[Joe Getty]

No, no, no.

[Jack Armstrong]

Wearing all black.

[Joe Getty]

Exactly. And chase them to encourage them. I just want to run after them to help them understand they're doing the right thing. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim. We gotta talk.

[Jack Armstrong]

Good example.

[Joe Getty]

Yeah, yeah. Oh boy. It's a windowless white.

[Jack Armstrong]

Yes. Oh, I got. I should get a picture of it sometime. It's hilarious that he's actually so. And it's been doing it for years, so I think it's a legit. But it just looks like it's straight out of a movie.

[Joe Getty]

Jim, do you know the word archetype? How about trope?

[Jack Armstrong]

But can we. Do you think there could be any rules around AI where you're not allowed to pretend to be a human? You just. You're just not allowed to pretend to be a human, period. Wow, that part is the weirdest part to me. Why are you talking to me like you're a human instead of just answering my Question.

[Joe Getty]

You'd need a, like a roundtable of constitutional lawyers to weigh this one. That's a super interesting question, but I think the answer is no, you can't. You can't regulate.

[Jack Armstrong]

But wouldn't that eliminate a lot of the things we're worried about if it couldn't pretend to be a person?

[Joe Getty]

Yeah.

[Jack Armstrong]

When you went on Google and you searched stuff, it didn't pretend to be a person. It just gave you, you know, your answers or your options or the things to click on. Nice job. You must be hungry. Here's some good places to eat or whatever.

[Joe Getty]

Hey, tell me how it goes. Yeah, yeah. Speaking of Reason.com and those folks in libertarianism in general, I think the, the blanket answer your question is if you gave the government the right to regulate things that closely and the tools you would need to accomplish that goal, it'd be a nightmare.

[Jack Armstrong]

Yeah. Yep.

[Joe Getty]

Because they'd applied that to a thousand other things.

[Jack Armstrong]

Maybe I get. Buy that guy some hubcaps for his van and just step it up a little bit. Are we all pitching? I get a bunch. I do a GoFundMe and we get him a wrap. So it's like a nice bright yellow. Maybe put a window in there so it's not windowless.

[Joe Getty]

And you know, I'm just thinking, you know, that that job they're hiring for.

[Jack Armstrong]

Oh, boy.

[Joe Getty]

Ten, you know, consultants, maybe gig work instead full time. Just seems like.

[Jack Armstrong]

Right.

[Joe Getty]

A lot.

[Jack Armstrong]

You don't want that to be your, like your person, you know, defines your personality.

[Joe Getty]

I'd hate to make my house payment that way. You, you know, then it's just different.

[Jack Armstrong]

Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

[Joe Getty]

It's a chore.

[Jack Armstrong]

Yeah, it's a chore instead of a hobby, right?

[Joe Getty]

Exactly.

[Jack Armstrong]

But then you're professional. You get to call yourself a professional,

[Joe Getty]

get some business cards printed and those out at the park,

[Jack Armstrong]

You know, as a kid. And it made us happy though, when I'd hear that ice cream truck siren

[Joe Getty]

going through the neighborhood.

[Jack Armstrong]

Oh, heck, yeah. Oh, yeah. That was a big deal. Well, I guess that's it.

[America 250 Announcer]

This July 4th, come celebrate at America's Block Party, hosted by America 250. America's Block Party is a can't miss 4th of July concert happening at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum. Experience music, performances from major artists, patriotic tributes, and the kickoff to giving 4th, helping to make July 4th the largest day of giving in American history. It's more than just fireworks. Learn more about this landmark [e-mail]

[Parent Listener]

with my mom and dad living in Orange county, when we bring my five and seven year old to visit we are sometimes in for a two hour drive that could feel like 10.

[Camper Enthusiast]

Oh, as an avid camper I know all about this. We'll pack up the RV and know this is either going to be the trip of a lifetime or a complete disaster.

[Parent Listener]

Which is why we load up the iPads with Lingokids before we even pull out of the driveway.

[Camper Enthusiast]

It's what dreams are made of. Lingokids keeps kids engaged and quiet with over 4000 interactive games, songs and shows that kids simply cannot get enough of.

[Parent Listener]

You can pack whatever you think you'll need, but Lingokids is the only entertainment you'll need for a stress free car

[Camper Enthusiast]

ride or really any ride, plane, train, hovercraft, whatever.

[Parent Listener]

Download Lingokids for free today or unlock

[Camper Enthusiast]

even more amazing content with LingoKids.

[Parent Listener]

Plus choose the yearly plan and save up to 60%. Search LingoKids in the App Store or

[Camper Enthusiast]

Google Play Lingokids everything kids love.