Different Ways to Handle Grieving

Summary

---

Armstrong & Getty On Demand

Episode: “Different Ways to Handle Grieving”

Date: December 10, 2025

---

Overview

This episode explores the complex and highly personal nature of grief, focusing especially on the use of humor as a coping mechanism. The hosts discuss different approaches to handling loss, including sharing an anecdote about comedian Conan O'Brien’s darkly comic texts following his parents' deaths. The conversation delves into the boundaries of joking about painful subjects, the individuality of the grieving process, and the misunderstandings that often arise when people judge others' reactions to loss.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Humor as a Way to Grieve

• Setup: The hosts introduce the topic by referencing both personal experience and literary examples, notably Christopher Hitchens' reflections on making jokes about his own cancer diagnosis.
  • “It's okay for me to make jokes about my cancer, not okay for other people to make jokes about my cancer.” — Armstrong (02:50)
• Discussion: Armstrong and Getty talk about who gets to set the boundaries for humor around serious topics like illness or death, emphasizing that the person directly affected is usually the one who determines what’s appropriate.
• Quote:
  • “The person involved kind of gets to set the bar for how far we're willing to go with this generally.” — Armstrong (03:25)

---

2. Conan O'Brien's Grieving Style: Edgy Humor

• Conan’s Approach: The episode features a story circulating on Conan O'Brien’s own show about the death of his parents and his instinct to use humor, even immediately after their passing.
  • Will Arnett and Jason Bateman, friends of Conan, become involved in a tongue-in-cheek text exchange in which Conan jokingly blames Bateman for his father’s death.
• Notable Moments:
  • Day after his father's death, Conan texts:
    • “To be honest, I blame Bateman. He killed my dad.” — Conan O'Brien (05:19-05:33 as recounted by Getty)
  • Following his mother’s death just days later, Conan continues the joking by giving Bateman his sister’s address and the instructions:
    • “Fantastic. 625 Boylston street, apartment 12C. Tell Bateman to make it look like a robbery.” — Conan O'Brien (06:39-06:57 as recounted by Getty)
• Hosts’ Reactions:
  • “That is some pretty edgy joking.” — Armstrong (07:01)
  • “I take it that he's like one of those people where that's actually healing for him.” — Guest (07:27)
• Conan's Reflection:
  • “That's the way I grieve. That's just the way I'm built. That was helpful for me to do that.” — Conan O'Brien (discussion referenced by Armstrong and Guest, 07:31-07:41)

---

3. Personalization and Boundaries in Grieving

• Diversity of Reactions: The hosts and guest comment on how personal and varied responses to grief can be, from humor to stoicism to overt emotional displays.
  • “Everybody has a different way of processing. You know, some people just go to pieces and stay in pieces for a while and bounce right back. Some people remain very, very stoic. They've got to keep it between the lines for a while.” — Guest (08:18-08:48)
• Judgment from Outsiders:
  • The conversation mentions how grief counselors and chaplains get frustrated when the public makes assumptions based on how someone reacts to loss:
    • “What really pisses people off who deal with grief... is where somebody watches a news story and says... ‘That's not the way somebody would act because everybody has a different way of processing.’” — Guest (07:55-08:18)
• Relationship Dynamics:
  • The group speculates that this style of joking is only possible in certain relationships and not everyone can—or should—initiate such humor.
    • “If my brother initiated it, I would be all in, but I'm not sure I would think to initiate it. Wow.” — Guest (08:48)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “It's okay for me to make jokes about my cancer, not okay for other people to make jokes about my cancer.”
  — Armstrong (02:50)

• “The person involved kind of gets to set the bar for how far we're willing to go with this generally.”
  — Armstrong (03:25)

• “To be honest, I blame Bateman. He killed my dad.”
  — Conan O'Brien via Getty (05:19–05:33)

• “Tell Bateman to make it look like a robbery.”
  — Conan O'Brien via Getty (06:39–06:57)

• “That's the way I grieve. That's just the way I'm built.”
  — Conan O'Brien as referenced by Armstrong (07:31–07:37)

• “Everybody has a different way of processing… some people just go to pieces and stay in pieces for a while and bounce right back. Some people remain very, very stoic.”
  — Guest (08:18–08:48)

---

Timestamps for Important Segments

• [02:38] – Main topic introduction: “Different ways to handle grieving.”
• [03:25] – Setting boundaries in grief and humor.
• [04:50]–[07:00] – The Conan O’Brien story: using humor to cope and friends' reactions.
• [07:31–07:41] – Hosts analyze Conan’s approach and discuss humor as healing.
• [08:18–08:48] – Broader conversation about the diversity of grief reactions and outsider judgments.

---

Tone & Takeaways

• The conversation is candid, at times irreverent, but always rooted in the understanding that grief is highly personal.
• The hosts maintain a tone of curiosity and empathy, balancing humor with respectful acknowledgment of pain.
• The story about Conan O'Brien stands as a reminder that humor, even dark or edgy, can be a legitimate and necessary way for some people to process loss.
• The episode ultimately encourages listeners to respect each individual’s grieving style and resist making judgments based on outward behavior.

---

Transcript

[Podcast Host]

This is an iHeart podcast.

[Advertiser Voice]

Guaranteed human.

[Trainer Games Announcer]

10 athletes will face the toughest job interview in fitness that will push past physical and mental breaking points.

You are the fittest of the fit. Only one of you will leave here with an IFIT contract for $250,000.

[Armstrong]

This is where mindset comes in.

[Trainer Games Announcer]

Someone will be eliminated. Pressure is coming down.

[Podcast Host]

This is Trainer.

[Ski Insider Announcer]

Watch it on prime video starting January 8th.

[Getty]

Shh.

[Podcast Host]

You won't believe what my new friend just told me about dinosaurs. Is your child having conversations you never imagined? Are they learning without realizing it? It's not a tablet. It's not a toy. It's Meco Mini plus, the AI powered companion that turns curiosity into endless learning. Hear the future of playtime. Meet the extraordinary Meco Mini Plus. Only at cost.

[Trainer Games Announcer]

Go Come for the Black Friday seasonal savings. Stay for the award winning reporting For a limited time access to the Washington post is just 99 cents. That's unlimited access to all of the posts for only 99 cents every four weeks. That's a great deal for the first year. After that it'll cost $12 every four weeks. You can cancel anytime. But don't wait. This Black Friday seasonal offer won't be here for long. Go to washingtonpost.com iheart and grab this deal before it's gone. That's washingtonpost.com iheart the world's best ski.

[Ski Insider Announcer]

And snowboard athletes are chasing medals. Now you can follow their every move. Join Insider, the official US Ski and snowboard fan loyalty program, and get premium viewing at World cup ski events, exclusive athlete meetups, discounts from brands you love, and a custom welcome gift mailed direct to your doorstep. This winter, show your support as they race for the podium. Head to insider.usski and snowboard.org and join today.

[Advertiser Voice]

Bring incredible sound into every corner of your home this holiday with the new Whimsound smart speaker. Get high resolution Audio with a 1.8-inch touchscreen, smart control and modern design in one powerful speaker for just $299. From Quiet Mornings to lively holiday gatherings, Whim sound makes every moment sound better and feel better too. Get the gift of the season for the music enthusiast in your life or for yourself. Whim sound. Beautifully designed, effortlessly connected. Shop now at Amazon and search Whim Sound that's W I I m S o u n d Different ways to handle grieving.

[Armstrong]

It's one more thing. Armstrong and Getty.

[Getty]

One more thing.

[Guest]

Oh, that's an impactful topic.

[Armstrong]

Yeah.

[Guest]

Heavy.

[Armstrong]

Perhaps. Kind of. Well, I don't know if it's so much because we're going to play a clip, a story for about Conan o', Brien, actually. I don't know if this fits in or not. I remember when I was reading Christopher Hitchens book when he got cancer, which made an impact on me. Then when I ended up getting cancer, not long after, it is, he said, it's okay for me to make jokes about my cancer, not okay for other people to make jokes about my cancer. So it's kind of, there's a bit.

[Guest]

Of that.

[Armstrong]

When you're talking about grieving.

Know, a death or whatever it is you're grieving or illness or something like that. The, the person involved kind of gets to set the bar for how far we're willing to go with this generally.

[Guest]

Well, and it is, it's very, very different coming out of someone else's mouth, even if they, like, see where the bar is and think, okay, now I can make a joke. Roughly now, you can't. Just don't.

[Armstrong]

But I, I, I have quite a bit of leeway with, like, where I would be in terms of joking around about very, very serious subjects. Just kind of the way I'm built. I'm not even close to where Conan o' Brien is, though. You're about to hear from the story. I always like the Conan o' Brien show. I think he's absolutely brilliant. Wrote for the Simpsons, went to Harvard, wrote for Saturday Night Live, and then had his own very successful talk show. Now he does a podcast, video podcast, and he has guests on all the time. The voice you're going to hear talking to Conan, Will Arnett from Arrested Development.

[Guest]

He was also a very, very funny guy.

[Armstrong]

What was his, what was his name on Arrested Development? Job. He was the brother Job. Yeah, the magician. Anyway, and they're talking about Conan o' Brien's parents. Conan had a great relationship with his parents, which is important to the story because it's not like he hated his parents. He talks about him all the time. His parents both died really close together, like, really close together at the same time. And.

So they also mentioned the, the star of Arrested Development, Jason Bateman, is involved in this and the texting and everything that goes on. And I think that's enough of a setup to understand the story.

[Getty]

This is real personal subject for you.

[Guest]

Okay, I know what it is.

[Getty]

Death in the family.

[Armstrong]

Yep.

[Getty]

My parents so. Well, first, let me just say the timeline, because I have it here. I wrote it down last year because the timeline was so good. Yeah. And so I, I hear that, that your, your dad passes away And I text you.

That day or the next day, and I said, hey, listen, I'm sorry to hear about your dad's passing. Sending love from our family to yours. And you wrote, thank you, Will. To be honest, I blame Bateman.

For.

[Guest]

The death of my. For the death of my father.

[Getty]

The day after his father dies. Yeah. Right. So I wrote, it's not a terrible theory. And Conan texted me back, he killed my dad. Oh, my God.

[Guest]

My dad. Can I say in fairness, my dad would have loved this.

[Getty]

Okay, so, so, so. So then Bateman. Bateman. I tell Bateman this. We're dying. We're doing a thing that day. So he. The next day, Bateman texts you, and he says, arnett tells me you're onto me.

[Advertiser Voice]

Yes.

[Getty]

And Conan. Conan text Bateman. He says, bateman, do yourself a favor. Turn yourself in. Right.

Right. Yeah. Two days after your dad passes, of course, your mom passed away.

[Guest]

Yeah. Which we didn't. I did not see coming.

[Getty]

We did not see coming. So I text you two days after I knew you were in. Boss, I said, bateman is asking for your sister's street address.

Okay. To give. Yeah. And you were busy that weekend. Like a day and a half later, you texted back, just seeing this now. Fantastic. 625 Boylston street, apartment 12C. Tell Bateman to make it look like a robbery.

[Armstrong]

Okay. That's the only thing.

[Guest]

This is how I grieve.

[Armstrong]

You got to admit, that is some pretty. Can you. There you go. That is some pretty edgy joking.

[Guest]

Yeah. That just. That speaks to their relationship, I guess.

[Getty]

That's.

[Guest]

That's crazy.

[Armstrong]

Conan's response. Bateman killed my father.

[Getty]

That's. Wow.

[Guest]

I would not be engaged in that.

[Advertiser Voice]

I take it that he's like one of those people where that's actually healing for him.

[Armstrong]

Oh, yeah. He actually. He actually. After they talk about some other stuff, he actually said, that's the way I grieve. He said, that's just the way I'm built.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Armstrong]

I mean, that. That was helpful for me to. To do that.

[Guest]

Yeah. And fair enough.

[Getty]

But that's.

[Armstrong]

That's that the very edge man of pushing that sort of thing.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Armstrong]

Here's my sister's address. Make it look like an accident.

[Guest]

You know what really pisses people off who deal with grief, like grief counselors and. And. And.

[Getty]

And.

[Guest]

And ministers and. What do you call. My mom was one. A chaplain at, like, a hospice or something, is where somebody watches a news story and says, you know, whether it's. I think they did it or they're something because nobody acts like that after their husband dies.

[Armstrong]

Oh.

[Guest]

Or their wife or their mom or whatever. That's not the way somebody would act because everybody has a different way of processing. You know, some people just go to pieces and stay in pieces for a while and bounce right back. Some people remain very, very stoic. They've got to keep it between the lines for a while, you know? So, yeah, that. That's freaking hilarious, isn't it? And I just. I'm trying to picture that, like, in my own life.

Somebody else in the. If my brother initiated it, I would be all in, but I'm not sure I would think to initiate it. Wow.

What was the initial blast? I blame Bateman or something like that because Conan initiated it, obviously.

[Armstrong]

Yeah, that's funny.

[Advertiser Voice]

Well, I guess that's it.

[Trainer Games Announcer]

Ten athletes will face the toughest job interview in fitness. That will push past physical and mental breaking points.

You are the fittest of the fit. Only one of you will leave here with an IFIT contract worth $250,000.

[Armstrong]

This is where mindset comes in.

[Trainer Games Announcer]

Someone will be eliminated. Pressure is coming down.

[Podcast Host]

This is Trainer Games.

[Ski Insider Announcer]

Watch it on prime video starting January 8th.

[Getty]

Shh.

[Podcast Host]

You won't believe what my new friend just told me about dinosaurs. Is your child having conversations you never imagined? Are they learning without realizing it? It's not a tablet. It's not a toy. It's Meco Mini plus, the AI powered companion that turns curiosity into endless learning. Hear the future of playtime. Meet the extraordinary Meco Mini Plus. Only at Costco.

[Trainer Games Announcer]

Come for the Black Friday seasonal savings. Stay for the award winning reporting. For a limited time, access to the Washington Post is just 99 cents. That's unlimited access to all of the posts for only 99 cents every four weeks. That's a great deal for the first year. After that, it'll cost $12 every four weeks. You can cancel anytime, but don't wait. This Black Friday seasonal offer won't be here for long. Go to washingtonpost.com iheart and grab this deal before it's gone. That's washingtonpost.com iheart.com the world's best ski.

[Ski Insider Announcer]

And snowboard athletes are chasing medals. Now you can follow their every move. Join Insider, the official US Ski and snowboard fan loyalty program, and get premium viewing at World cup ski events, exclusive athlete meetups, discounts from brands you love, and a custom welcome gift mailed direct to your doorstep. This winter. Show your support as they race for the podium. Head to Insider USC ski and snowboard.org.

[Advertiser Voice]

And join today Bring incredible sound into every corner of your home this holiday with the new Whimsound Smart Speaker. Get high resolution Audio with a 1.8-inch touchscreen, smart control and modern design in one powerful speaker for just 2 99. From Quiet Mornings to lively holiday gatherings, Winsound makes every moment sound better and feel better too. Get the gift of the season for the music enthusiast in your life or for yourself. Whimsound Beautifully designed, effortlessly connected. Shop now at Amazon and search Whimsound. That's W I I m s o u n d this is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human.