F-It...I Shouldn't Eat This Thing Anyway!

Summary

Armstrong & Getty On Demand

Episode: F-It...I Shouldn't Eat This Thing Anyway!
Date: October 20, 2025
Network: iHeartPodcasts

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Main Theme / Purpose

This episode of the Armstrong & Getty Show delves into everyday frustrations with modern shopping, especially self-checkout lines and store management during peak hours. The hosts share their personal (often hilarious) experiences navigating long lines, malfunctioning machines, and the mixed blessings of social media accountability. Through candid anecdotes, they reflect on customer service, the limits of technology, and the changing nature of public complaints.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Self-Checkout Struggle – Pie at Costco

• Hate or Love Self-Checkout?

  • B expresses intense dislike for self-checkout, feeling it's unnecessarily frustrating.
    • “As I’ve pointed out, I hate self-checkout.” (00:18)
  • C loves self-checkout to avoid forced conversations with cashiers.
    • “I don’t have to make weird forced conversation about what I might be doing this week.” (C – 00:30)
  • B admits to a “battle” between being a misanthrope and a “Luddite”—side with hating tech.
    • “It’s a battle between my misanthrope and my hatred of technology. My being a Luddite. And the Luddite wins...” (B – 00:35)

• Costco Pie Saga

  • Host B describes attempting to buy a giant Costco apple pie while picking up his son’s medication. He is immediately frustrated by the self-checkout's mechanical prompts and pressure from the long line behind him.

    • “Place the item in the whatever tray. I haven’t. Please scan your item. Scan my item? Place your item in the… I set it down. Please place your item in the tr. I have placed it in the tray. Please scan your next item. I don’t have any more items. Please remove your item from the… What tray are you—f*** it. I don’t want this pie anymore.” (B – 02:01)

  • The frustration boils over as B abandons the pie, leaving hungry but slightly relieved:

    • “I thought I didn’t need to eat a pie anyway. But what. What tray? What f***ing tray am I supposed to put this goddamn pie in?” (B, 02:45)

• Memorable Exchange Over Machine Annoyance

  • All sympathize with the confusion that happens when self-checkout malfunctions, plus the lack of a “start over” button.
    • “There does need to be a start over button. Because if you make a mistake and it thinks you’re, you know, the weight doesn’t match the whatever. Yeah, you’re screwed.” (B – 03:38)

• Comic Relief on “Glorious Pocket Fork”

  • Conversation devolves into jokes about eating pie in the car and using a “pocket fork.”
    • “Which I was going to eat in my car, sitting in the parking lot. I was gonna eat a whole bunch of pie. It was gonna be glorious.” (B – 04:00)
    • “The glorious pocket fork.” (D – 04:11)

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2. Social Media Complaints and Store Accountability

• Line at Safeway Out the Door

  • B describes another experience: a line stretching to the back of Safeway because only one register was open at rush hour.

    • “The line was, honest to God, all the way back… people were up against the milk in the back.” (B – 04:27)

  • He tweets at Safeway, believes it made a difference:

    • “I said, hey Safeway, it’s five o’clock. The line is back to the milk section. You’ve got one register open. How do you stay in business?” (B – 04:39)

  • His son is skeptical, but B argues that social media complaints reach management and drive change:

    • “I do know that those companies… have people that their job is to make sure things do not… blow up on social media.” (B – 06:24)
    • “I guarantee you the manager of that store heard from somebody in corporate. What are you doing here?” (B – 07:18)

• Brand Response

  • Safeway actually replied: “Thank you for bringing this to our attention. We’d like to learn more about your experience. Please send us a DM so we can assist you directly.” (D, reading – 07:06)

  • The hosts discuss the speed of response—an indicator brands feel pressure to respond to customer complaints online.

• Does Online Feedback Matter?

  • The group debates whether such complaints drive real change. All generally agree companies urgently monitor their reputations online.

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3. In-Store Behavior and Customer Etiquette

• Handling Belligerence

  • D asserts the importance of remaining civil even when registering a complaint.
    • “It is possible to register your unhappiness in a way that is civilized.” (D – 08:02)

• Recognizing Hard Work… Or Not

  • B jokes about complimenting a young grocery worker for hustling—while other hosts joke the worker was just coming back from vaping out back.
    • “I really appreciate your hustle, dude. That’s really impressive.” (B – 08:35)
    • “He’s probably getting paged over the PA and out back, banging out a cigarette…” (C – 08:45)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Self-Checkout:

  • B: “What tray? What f***ing tray am I supposed to put this goddamn pie in?” (02:45)
  • D (joking): “You’re out of control. You’ve eaten from the… the fruit of bitterness.” (03:00)
  • C: “There needs to be a ‘start again’ button. Clearly though, because I think we’ve all gotten caught up in the ‘please remove that item vortex.’” (03:29)

• On Social Media Complaints:

  • B: “In the old days you’d have never been able to get ahold of anybody. But in the social media world they do not want that sort of comment out there.” (05:53)
  • D (reading Safeway response): “‘Thank you for bringing this to our attention. We’d like to learn more about your experience. Please send us a DM so we can assist you directly. Thank you.’” (07:06)

• On Staff Behavior:

  • B (after realizing he’s complimenting a worker who may just have run in from a break): “I’m giving him all this credit for working hard. He’s vaping back there, scrolling through text like, oh, crap.” (09:03)

• Comedy:

  • B (on hypothetical DM to Safeway): “Send them a DM, not a DP. Here’s my jack, here’s my junk. Does this help anything?” (07:35)
  • C: “Did you go to the self checkout to avoid the line or did you just stand there and tweet?” (07:49)

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Important Timestamps

• 00:18–03:00 — Costco self-checkout frustrations, apple pie saga
• 03:29–04:12 — Commentary about start-over button, jokes about pocket fork
• 04:24–07:18 — Line at Safeway, tweeting at the company, discussion on social media accountability
• 08:02–09:35 — Store etiquette, recognizing staff, role of online feedback and in-person complaints

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Tone and Language

Authentic, exasperated, comedic, and occasionally profane. The back-and-forth banter is marked by honest complaints, laughter at their own misadventures, and tongue-in-cheek solutions to everyday problems—very much in the Armstrong & Getty style.

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Summary

This episode captures the relatable frustrations of modern retail: the pitfalls of self-checkout machines, the annoyance of poorly staffed checkout lines, and the little victories (or losses) in everyday errands. Blending humor and insight, the hosts reveal how technology, customer expectations, and social media intertwine in today’s shopping experience, all while remaining endearingly, if profanely, human.

Transcript

[A]

This is an I heart podcast.

[B]

It. I shouldn't eat this thing anyway. It's one more thing.

[C]

Armstrong and Getty.

[B]

One more thing.

[D]

Oh, easy on the sailor talk there. You've lost your mind. Yeah, Candy's four ears.

[B]

As I've pointed out, I hate self checkout.

[C]

I love it.

[B]

I know everybody loves it but me. I hate it.

[D]

Well, and you're a misanthrope.

[B]

I don't get that.

[D]

I like it because I don't have to make weird forced conversation about what I might be doing this week.

[B]

It's a battle between my misanthrope and my hatred of technology. My being a Luddite. And the Luddite wins out over my missing.

[D]

I'd have missed that, but freaking hate.

[B]

Trying to make that thing work. And so I was at Costco 5:15 on a Friday. Costco is just bananas. I mean, it's just car raised. Everybody coming home from work, getting ready for the weekend line gazillion miles long. And it's funny, I got two standing in line stories I have to do, but I'm in line. Oh. So I why do I go to Costco? I'll go to Costco to pick up my son's meds and because I get them from their pharmacy. Super, super love Costco's pharmacy. And while I'm in there, I'm kind of hungry, thinking, you know, when's the last time I had a Costco pie? I love Costco pie. So I walk clear to the back of the store and they got the great big giant size of a car tire apple pie. It's like 11.99 and it's really good too. It's among the best store bought pies you can get as a Costco pie. Oh, yeah. You can barely care.

[D]

11.99 for a giant pie.

[B]

I forget what it is, but it's not much.

[D]

Man, that ought to scare you.

[B]

No, it's good though. It's really good.

[D]

All right.

[B]

You're hard of tasting.

[D]

It's.

[B]

You're not allowed to comment on food. It's enormous. Yeah. Their stuff'. Yeah. Everything at Costco is good, but the.

[D]

Judge will allow it.

[B]

So I'm grabbing this big giant apple pie and I'm walking up there and I'm hoping I can do the self checkout because I'm not going to stand in the line with the people that got the giant Home depot carts with 500 items and all that sort of stuff. Even the self checkout line is long, which plays into the story because I'M under a lot of pressure. There's people behind me, everybody's in a hurry. I get up to the side and this happens to me all the time. Place the item in the whatever tray. I haven't. Please scan your item. Scan my item? Place your item in the. I set it down. Please place your item in the tr. I have placed it in the tray. Please scan your next item. I don't have any more items. Please remove your item from the. What tray are you. Fuck it. I don't want this pie anymore. And I left. I couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do. And there are people behind in me and they're like looking their watches and tapping their feet. I just. I never can figure out how to freakin do it. So screw it, I left. And you know, as I got to my car while I was still quite hungry, I thought I didn't need to eat a pie anyway. But what. What tray? What fucking tray am I supposed to put this goddamn pie in?

[D]

Wow. He's out of control. He's eaten from the. The fruit of bitterness.

[B]

God dang it.

[D]

Wow.

[C]

I mean, it's not that intense.

[B]

Well, where are you supposed to put it? And the lady kept yelling at me.

[D]

Take your kid along. He'll explain it to you.

[B]

The computer lady.

[C]

The lady is annoying.

[A]

She.

[C]

She does not need to enter. You know, start talking to her tone.

[B]

She could change her tone. Watch your tone. That's what I should have said to her. Watch your tone.

[D]

Right, right. There needs to be start again button. Clearly though, because I think we've all gotten caught up in the please remove that item vortex.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

Like, all right, what am I supposed to do now?

[B]

Right? Exactly. There do needs. There does need to be a start over button. Because if you make a mistake and it thinks you're, you know, the weight doesn't match the Whatever. Yeah, you're screwed. You're screwed at that point. You need to start over.

[D]

Hey, there's a guy with a big plastic bag just cleared your shelf and he's walking.

[B]

Right.

[D]

How about you lighting the hell up on me?

[C]

Right?

[B]

Let me buy my pie. Which I was going to eat trying to pay. Which I was going to eat in my car, sitting in the parking lot. I was gonna eat a whole bunch of pie. It was gonna be glorious.

[D]

That you keep poured in your pocket.

[B]

It was gonna be glorious.

[D]

The glorious pocket fork.

[B]

It did not happen so disappoint.

[C]

You washed the pocket fork.

[B]

It's right here.

[C]

Yeah, but has it ever been washed?

[B]

No. Nice. No I wipe it all with my shirt.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

My other waiting in line story, which I actually thought had a lesson for my son. You tell me whether you think I'm right or not about this. So I was at a grocery store. I won't mention the name of it, but is the safe way to shop. And it was also on a different day around 5 o' clock and it's packed in there and they had one register open one. And the line was, honest to God, all the way back. The entire length of the grocery store, people were up against the milk in the back. That's how long the line was. That's crazy. I know. So I tweeted out, you might have seen in our Twitter, I said, hey Safeway, it's five o'. Clock. The line is back to the milk section. You've got one register open. How do you stay in business? And I mentioned the Safeway in Davis, California. And my son said, nobody cares about that. And I said, I think you're wrong about this. And this is where I wonder if you agree with me or not. I said, somebody's gonna see that. Somebody in management's gonna see that there's somebody that keeps an eye on the Safeway Twitter feed comments. They're gonna call the manager of this store and that person's gonna get lit up for. Why Was there only one register open at 5 o' clock on a, on a weekday? And the line was clear back to the milk. Guarantee you, by the way, like I don't know if it was coincident or not, but with like two minutes after I did that they opened up three more registers. I would not be the least bit shocked if somebody didn't get on the phone. Who monitors that stuff, the complaint stuff. I know from people from other companies who have that job monitoring the complaints online person around here actually. And do you think that does any good or not? In the old days you'd have never been able to get ahold of anybody. But in the social media world they do not want that sort of comment out there.

[D]

Yeah, that's true. That's good accountability.

[B]

I think you can get it down.

[C]

Or did I can't find it.

[B]

No, it's only in the replies because I tweeted it at Safeway so it wasn't a regular feed.

[C]

You have to wonder how many people are tweeting it Safeway. Not many.

[B]

Right. And I do know that those companies the part of it they have people that their job is to make sure things do not negative things don't blow up on social media.

[C]

Yeah, I think you're right. I could see, I could see that trickling down back to the store. I don't know that it happened to the point where that those other registers opened up.

[B]

I don't know. I'd be shocked if the manager didn't at least get an email from somebody saying, hey, we got a complaint. You had one register open at five o' clock the other day.

[D]

Wow. Did you see the safe way to shop responded to you?

[B]

No, I did not.

[D]

And I'm going to tread carefully here because only one of us needs to be fired over this and it needs to be you. They said, thank you for bringing this to our attention. We'd like to learn more about your experience. Please send us a DM so we can assist you directly. Thank you.

[B]

How quickly did they respond? Can you tell by the time?

[C]

That was at 4:38. The next day.

[B]

Is the next day okay? Yeah, but yeah. So I don't know if I got the other registers open, but I guarantee you the manager of that store heard from somebody in corporate. What are you doing here?

[C]

You should send them a DM and see if they give you a gift certificate or something.

[D]

Slide into their DMs.

[B]

I don't know that I need safety. Send them a service pick just to be safe here. Send them a dm, not a dp. Here's my jack, here's my junk. Does this help anything?

[C]

Oh, gosh, yeah.

[D]

What?

[C]

That'll do it.

[B]

That'll do it.

[C]

So did you go to the self checkout to avoid the line or did you just stand there and tweet?

[B]

I stood there and tweeted until they finally got me up there. Okay, I definitely can't run the Safeway self checkout thing. I just don't even try, you know.

[D]

I don't like belligerence because there's a lot of belligerence in society. It is possible to register your unhappiness in a way that is civilized. But I think that it would have been perfectly appropriate for people to say, hey, can you guys open another register please?

[B]

Thank you. I've said that before and not in a mean way, but like, yeah, you got a really long line here and one register open. I mean, and in this case this young kid, he came over and he like he was looking around and he ran over and opened one up and was like wheeling people through there so fast and working so fast. I said, I really appreciate your hustle, dude. That's really impressive. I love it when people are conscientious like that, because that's the kind of employee I was when I was young.

[C]

Well, he's probably getting paged over the PA and out back, banging out a cigarette and came in and went, oh, my God. That used to happen all the time when I worked at a grocery store. We'd be. We'd be going, hello, can someone open a register? And then three people would all come in from the back and they'd all rec.

[B]

You're right. Ah, that is exactly what happened. All bad. So I'm giving him all this credit for working hard. He's vaping back there, scrolling through text like, oh, crap, he was stuck in.

[C]

A TikTok rabbit hole. Meanwhile, you're tweeting the company.

[B]

Yes, yes, yes. Well, it all worked out. All's well that ended well. You know, next time that you need a new line opened up, just go.

[C]

To the other checkers, you know, that.

[B]

Are empty, get on their loudspeaker and ask over the PA system. Can we have a new checker in aisle three? Check her. Dial three. Yeah. Well, I guess that's it.

[A]

You know that big bargain detergent jug is 80% water, right? It doesn't clean as well.

[C]

80% water.

[A]

I thought I was getting a better deal because it's so big. If you want a better clean, Tide pods are only 12% water. The rest is pure, concentrated, concentrated cleaning ingredients. Oh, let me make an announcement. Attention, shoppers, if you want a real.

[B]

Deal, try Tide pods.

[A]

Stop paying for watered down detergents. Pay for clean. If it's got to be clean, it's got to be Tide pods. Water content based on the leading bargain liquid detergent. This is an iHeart podcast.