Podcast Summary: Armstrong & Getty On Demand

Episode: Men...Where Have You Gone?
Date: October 21, 2025
Host: Armstrong & Getty

Main Theme & Purpose

In this episode, Armstrong & Getty discuss the growing phenomenon of men retreating from dating and broader social engagement. Triggered by a recent New York Times article titled “Men, Where Have You Gone?”, and further commentary from a woman on Medium, the hosts explore why men seem to be disappearing from social scenes, especially the dating world. They dive into cultural, technological, and psychological factors impacting modern relationships, critiquing both male and female attitudes and examining broader societal consequences.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Observations from Contemporary Dating

• Social Patterns: The topic is set up by noting that in places like NYC, restaurants are often filled with groups of women socializing, while men are absent from these scenes, “just staying home by themselves.”
  [03:27] D: "They would go to hip restaurants in New York City... every other table was all women hanging out with each other... Dudes are just staying home by themselves mostly."

2. Impact of Technology on Relationships

• Dating Apps and the ‘Illusion of Choice’:
  • Online dating gives a sense of unlimited options, undermining commitment and making it harder for people to settle down.
    [04:45] D: "The modern marvels of dating apps. Apps, anonymity, illusion of choice... really kills things—the illusion of endless choices." [04:57] H: “Why would you settle with somebody and take on the challenges of making a life with them if it looked like... many fish in the sea and they were all swimming in your direction?”
• Real-life Perspective: In real life, most didn’t have “ten other options lined up for this weekend.”
  [05:17] D elaborates on the difference between limited real-life options and the false abundance created by apps.

3. Unreasonable Expectations & Double Standards

• Women’s Standards Examined: The article critiques contemporary female expectations—labeling the “six figures, six pack, six feet” ideal as unattainable for most men.
  [05:45] D: “Women, if you’re complaining about men retreating from dating, maybe it’s time to take a hard look at your part..." [07:01] H: “Wow, that’s some tough talk. Sisters speaking plainly to each other.”
• Mixed Messages & Confusion for Men:
  • Societal messages demand men be masculine but also feminist, vulnerable but not too sensitive—a confusing and dispiriting set of standards.
    [07:04] D: “Expectations, along with mixed messages, are dispiriting. Be masculine and a feminist at the same time. Be vulnerable but not overly sensitive... a lot of hoops to jump through. If men can’t measure up, guess who checks out next?”

4. Male Standards and Deflection

• Men’s Unrealistic Expectations:
  • Men are also called out for dismissing women based on superficial standards, despite their own lack of options. The hosts poke fun at men who insist only “supermodels” are good enough, despite their own flaws.
    [07:23] H: “The guy says...I wouldn’t go there, she’s not hot. And you’re like, dude, you’re with no one. It’s pathetic." [08:10] D: “I always thought... the most attractive girl in this bar to me is the one that’s attracted to me. Because all the other ones don’t make any difference.”
  • Reality Check: Physical attraction fades; deeper connections matter most in the long run. [08:29] H: “Once you’re together a minute, you don’t stand around looking at each other... You have a life together.” [08:45] D: “You ain’t gonna look the same forever. Neither one of you.”

5. Social Media’s Harmful Influence

• False Narratives Online vs. Real Life:
  • The internet perpetuates bad ideas that would “die in real life” but thrive online due to the echo chamber effect. [08:56] H: “Just a millionth example of bad ideas that died in real life but flourish on the Internet...”
  • Peer Pressure Compounds the Problems: People fear being honest about attraction, concerned about mockery from others. [09:09] D & H discuss men not voicing true opinions due to fear of ridicule.

6. The MeToo Effect

• Approach Anxiety:
  • The #MeToo movement, while necessary, has created “a standoff” where men fear approaching women due to possible legal or social peril. [10:39] D: “The MeToo movement was necessary... but the pendulum seems to have swung way too far. Now both sexes are in a standoff. Men are afraid to approach women at all, to talk to them, to even look their way because of the legal peril it could put them in." [11:32] H: "I call it the French Revolution syndrome... good legit gripes. Then it went too far."

7. Possible Futures & Subcultural Solutions

• No Easy Fix: Guests agree they can't see an easy way for this trend to reverse. [12:03] D: “I don’t see this ever getting better. I can’t imagine the forces that would cause this to get better.”
• Prediction of ‘21st Century Amishness’:
  • A subculture will arise that intentionally “unplugs” from toxic internet/digital culture. [12:09] H: “Something like 21st-century Amishness will arise... It will be a cultural norm in these subcultures that you are unplugged except through necessity.”

8. Other Factors: Pornography & Escapism

• Low-Effort Coping:
  • The easy availability of porn provides a low-risk, low-effort substitute for real connections, making men less motivated to pursue relationships. [12:55] D: “She goes on to talk about porn... It’s so easy for men to satisfy at the very base, lowest bar level, that keeps you from getting dressed and showering, going out on the town on Friday night.”

9. Personal Anecdotes & Reflections

• Effects of Excessive Screen Time:
  • D shares a story about his son, highlighting the realization that tech-driven activities (like video games) can increase unhappiness compared to real-life engagement. [13:14] D: “[My son] was feeling kind of depressed and he said... I was happier last week when I was just doing homework, playing my guitar and doing other things." [14:03] D: “That makes me less happy. I thought this made me happy and it made me less happy, but I’m not sure everyone can come to that conclusion on their own.”
• Mocking the “Amish Solution”:
  • The hosts joke about the appeal of Amish life as they wrap up. [14:14] H: “The idea of joining the Amish community sounds kind of good sometimes.”
    [14:18] D: “Yeah. Grow myself a beard... churn some butter.”

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the paradox of online dating:
  D: “Instead of connecting us, we’re using [technology] to further distance and divide us.” [04:17]
• On modern expectations:
  D: “Six figures, six pack, six feet... Very few people can live up to that.” [06:12]
• On reality of attraction:
  H: “Once you’re together a minute, you don’t stand around looking at each other... You have a life together.” [08:29]
• On the MeToo shift:
  D: “Men are afraid to approach women at all... because of the legal peril it could put them in.” [11:07]
• On disconnection and solutions:
  H: "There will be a subculture... that will reject all of this stuff.” [12:09]

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 03:27 – Why are men absent from social spaces and dating?
• 04:45 – Dating apps & ‘illusion of choice’
• 05:45 – 07:01 – High/Unrealistic expectations in dating
• 07:23 – 08:29 – Critique of male standards and realities of attraction
• 08:56 – Internet culture’s impact
• 10:39 – #MeToo’s effect on dating/approach anxiety
• 12:09 – Predictions for “unplugged” subcultures
• 12:55 – Role of porn and escapism
• 13:14 – Personal anecdote: screen time and happiness

Conclusion

Armstrong & Getty, referencing cultural critiques and personal experience, offer a candid, at times humorous, but ultimately sobering assessment of why men seem to be retreating from modern dating and social life. They lay blame across technology, unrealistic expectations, cultural confusion around gender roles, and a risk-averse society in the wake of #MeToo. The episode ends with a prediction that only by intentionally rejecting some of modernity's most toxic trends—possibly through radical “Amishness”—can individuals reclaim genuine connection and satisfaction.

For listeners seeking a lively but vulnerable dialogue on the state of relationships, dating, and masculinity in the digital age, this episode offers both acute cultural critique and practical wisdom.