Men...Where Have You Gone?

Summary

Podcast Summary: Armstrong & Getty On Demand

Episode: Men...Where Have You Gone?
Date: October 21, 2025
Host: Armstrong & Getty

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Main Theme & Purpose

In this episode, Armstrong & Getty discuss the growing phenomenon of men retreating from dating and broader social engagement. Triggered by a recent New York Times article titled “Men, Where Have You Gone?”, and further commentary from a woman on Medium, the hosts explore why men seem to be disappearing from social scenes, especially the dating world. They dive into cultural, technological, and psychological factors impacting modern relationships, critiquing both male and female attitudes and examining broader societal consequences.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Observations from Contemporary Dating

• Social Patterns: The topic is set up by noting that in places like NYC, restaurants are often filled with groups of women socializing, while men are absent from these scenes, “just staying home by themselves.”
  [03:27] D: "They would go to hip restaurants in New York City... every other table was all women hanging out with each other... Dudes are just staying home by themselves mostly."

2. Impact of Technology on Relationships

• Dating Apps and the ‘Illusion of Choice’:
  • Online dating gives a sense of unlimited options, undermining commitment and making it harder for people to settle down.
    [04:45] D: "The modern marvels of dating apps. Apps, anonymity, illusion of choice... really kills things—the illusion of endless choices." [04:57] H: “Why would you settle with somebody and take on the challenges of making a life with them if it looked like... many fish in the sea and they were all swimming in your direction?”
• Real-life Perspective: In real life, most didn’t have “ten other options lined up for this weekend.”
  [05:17] D elaborates on the difference between limited real-life options and the false abundance created by apps.

3. Unreasonable Expectations & Double Standards

• Women’s Standards Examined: The article critiques contemporary female expectations—labeling the “six figures, six pack, six feet” ideal as unattainable for most men.
  [05:45] D: “Women, if you’re complaining about men retreating from dating, maybe it’s time to take a hard look at your part..." [07:01] H: “Wow, that’s some tough talk. Sisters speaking plainly to each other.”
• Mixed Messages & Confusion for Men:
  • Societal messages demand men be masculine but also feminist, vulnerable but not too sensitive—a confusing and dispiriting set of standards.
    [07:04] D: “Expectations, along with mixed messages, are dispiriting. Be masculine and a feminist at the same time. Be vulnerable but not overly sensitive... a lot of hoops to jump through. If men can’t measure up, guess who checks out next?”

4. Male Standards and Deflection

• Men’s Unrealistic Expectations:
  • Men are also called out for dismissing women based on superficial standards, despite their own lack of options. The hosts poke fun at men who insist only “supermodels” are good enough, despite their own flaws.
    [07:23] H: “The guy says...I wouldn’t go there, she’s not hot. And you’re like, dude, you’re with no one. It’s pathetic." [08:10] D: “I always thought... the most attractive girl in this bar to me is the one that’s attracted to me. Because all the other ones don’t make any difference.”
  • Reality Check: Physical attraction fades; deeper connections matter most in the long run. [08:29] H: “Once you’re together a minute, you don’t stand around looking at each other... You have a life together.” [08:45] D: “You ain’t gonna look the same forever. Neither one of you.”

5. Social Media’s Harmful Influence

• False Narratives Online vs. Real Life:
  • The internet perpetuates bad ideas that would “die in real life” but thrive online due to the echo chamber effect. [08:56] H: “Just a millionth example of bad ideas that died in real life but flourish on the Internet...”
  • Peer Pressure Compounds the Problems: People fear being honest about attraction, concerned about mockery from others. [09:09] D & H discuss men not voicing true opinions due to fear of ridicule.

6. The MeToo Effect

• Approach Anxiety:
  • The #MeToo movement, while necessary, has created “a standoff” where men fear approaching women due to possible legal or social peril. [10:39] D: “The MeToo movement was necessary... but the pendulum seems to have swung way too far. Now both sexes are in a standoff. Men are afraid to approach women at all, to talk to them, to even look their way because of the legal peril it could put them in." [11:32] H: "I call it the French Revolution syndrome... good legit gripes. Then it went too far."

7. Possible Futures & Subcultural Solutions

• No Easy Fix: Guests agree they can't see an easy way for this trend to reverse. [12:03] D: “I don’t see this ever getting better. I can’t imagine the forces that would cause this to get better.”
• Prediction of ‘21st Century Amishness’:
  • A subculture will arise that intentionally “unplugs” from toxic internet/digital culture. [12:09] H: “Something like 21st-century Amishness will arise... It will be a cultural norm in these subcultures that you are unplugged except through necessity.”

8. Other Factors: Pornography & Escapism

• Low-Effort Coping:
  • The easy availability of porn provides a low-risk, low-effort substitute for real connections, making men less motivated to pursue relationships. [12:55] D: “She goes on to talk about porn... It’s so easy for men to satisfy at the very base, lowest bar level, that keeps you from getting dressed and showering, going out on the town on Friday night.”

9. Personal Anecdotes & Reflections

• Effects of Excessive Screen Time:
  • D shares a story about his son, highlighting the realization that tech-driven activities (like video games) can increase unhappiness compared to real-life engagement. [13:14] D: “[My son] was feeling kind of depressed and he said... I was happier last week when I was just doing homework, playing my guitar and doing other things." [14:03] D: “That makes me less happy. I thought this made me happy and it made me less happy, but I’m not sure everyone can come to that conclusion on their own.”
• Mocking the “Amish Solution”:
  • The hosts joke about the appeal of Amish life as they wrap up. [14:14] H: “The idea of joining the Amish community sounds kind of good sometimes.”
    [14:18] D: “Yeah. Grow myself a beard... churn some butter.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the paradox of online dating:
  D: “Instead of connecting us, we’re using [technology] to further distance and divide us.” [04:17]
• On modern expectations:
  D: “Six figures, six pack, six feet... Very few people can live up to that.” [06:12]
• On reality of attraction:
  H: “Once you’re together a minute, you don’t stand around looking at each other... You have a life together.” [08:29]
• On the MeToo shift:
  D: “Men are afraid to approach women at all... because of the legal peril it could put them in.” [11:07]
• On disconnection and solutions:
  H: "There will be a subculture... that will reject all of this stuff.” [12:09]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 03:27 – Why are men absent from social spaces and dating?
• 04:45 – Dating apps & ‘illusion of choice’
• 05:45 – 07:01 – High/Unrealistic expectations in dating
• 07:23 – 08:29 – Critique of male standards and realities of attraction
• 08:56 – Internet culture’s impact
• 10:39 – #MeToo’s effect on dating/approach anxiety
• 12:09 – Predictions for “unplugged” subcultures
• 12:55 – Role of porn and escapism
• 13:14 – Personal anecdote: screen time and happiness

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Conclusion

Armstrong & Getty, referencing cultural critiques and personal experience, offer a candid, at times humorous, but ultimately sobering assessment of why men seem to be retreating from modern dating and social life. They lay blame across technology, unrealistic expectations, cultural confusion around gender roles, and a risk-averse society in the wake of #MeToo. The episode ends with a prediction that only by intentionally rejecting some of modernity's most toxic trends—possibly through radical “Amishness”—can individuals reclaim genuine connection and satisfaction.

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For listeners seeking a lively but vulnerable dialogue on the state of relationships, dating, and masculinity in the digital age, this episode offers both acute cultural critique and practical wisdom.

Transcript

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[D]

Men, where have you gone? It's one more thing. Armstrong and Getty.

[H]

One more thing.

[D]

This is an article about an article that was in the New York Times not long ago called men, where have you gone? And this is in some publication? Well, it's not a publication. It's a website called medium with a woman who studies this sort of stuff writing about that article and other things she's found in her observations about men in the modern world and dating and that sort of thing. The article in the New York Times called men, where have you gone? Started with someone noticing that when they went to restaurants, there'd be a couple. Now, this is New York City, so this is not, you know, everybody's life. But they would go to hip restaurants in New York City, there'd be a couple of couples. Then every other table was all women hanging out with each other, which I have seen a lot of. Yes. Women are continuing to go out with each other. Dudes are just staying home by themselves mostly. Seems to be what's going on there. And why have men disappeared from the dating scene? They go through a couple of different things. I think all of them are interesting. First one, obs technology, the Internet, social media and online dating, for starters, has brought us closer. We find each other faster. But what happens after seems to undo all of the good that technology could have promised. Instead of connecting us, we're using it to further distance and divide us.

[H]

Ding.

[D]

Yes, the modern marvels of dating apps. Apps, anonymity, illusion of choice, which I brought up a couple of weeks ago that I had read somewhere. That is a good one. I can see how that really kills things. The illusion of endless choices.

[H]

Right. Which is. It hadn't occurred to me that that would be a thing. But why would you settle with somebody and take on the challenges of making a life with them. If it looked like there were not only many, many fish in the sea, but they were all swimming in your direction. So how do you settle on one person, right?

[D]

I mean, how overwhelmed would you have to be by a connection with somebody to stop checking out the other merchandise? Whereas in real life, dating, obviously you didn't have like 10 other options. Unless you're like incredibly attractive or something. You didn't have like 10 other options lined up for this weekend?

[H]

Yeah, I mean, never. If you get with somebody that does have 10 other options all the time. Be careful.

[D]

Expectations. There's plenty of blame to go around when it comes to expectations. But women, if you're complaining about men retreating from dating, maybe it's time to time to take a hard look at your part. This is the part I like. This was written by the New York Times. This is a woman writing about the article in the New York Times. And she's a woman, an actual one. Women, it's time to take a hard look at your part. Are you blowing guys off for the slightest issue? I know that that's happening. Are you being too quick to judge? Do you have unreasonable expectations, requirements or ridiculous standards most men can't meet? Are you ghosting, canceling last minute, waiting for the bigger, better deal, or insulted that a guy doesn't treat you to a five course meal on a first date? Are you a. I hadn't heard this term before, but I guess it's a term. Six figures, six pack, six feet kind of girl. If so, no wonder men are checking out these days. Six figures, six packs, six feet. Not everybody can live. Very few people can live up to that there. Yeah, I got a better shot at a couple of them than the other one, I'll tell you that. If your search for love has convinced you you're just one swipe away from someone more perfect, I have news for you. You're going to be single forever. She writes.

[H]

Wow, that's some tough talk. Sisters speaking plainly to each other.

[D]

That's good. Expectations, along with mixed messages, are dispiriting. Be masculine and a feminist at the same time. Be vulnerable but not overly sensitive. We've talked about this before. Be emotionally available, but not a simp. It's a lot of hoops to jump through. If men can't measure up, guess who checks out next?

[H]

You know what's interesting is the guy version of that, and we have called this out and mocked it for years, is the, you know, some lovely woman is being discussed or walks by or is on the TV or whatever. The guy says, no way. I wouldn't go there. She's not hot. And you're like, dude, you're with no one. You're not gonna be with anyone. And you're acting like you have some sort of right to only be with supermodels. Like Victoria's Secret supermodels. That's a dodge. That's not you coming off as cool and, and, and, and, and, you know, having high standards. It's pathetic. But, but you get that from guys a fair amount. It's a common thing.

[D]

Yeah. Having stood around a lot of bars with a lot of dudes, that is a common thing among a certain kind of guy. I always thought, you know, who's the most attractive girls in this bar? The one that's attracted to me. That's the most attractive girl in this bar to me. The one that's attracted to me. Because all the other ones don't make any difference. It doesn't matter whether they're here or not.

[H]

And here's a little hint for you, and I'm sure anybody in the room can attest to this. Once you're together a minute, you don't stand around looking at each other and you don't like trying to absorb how good looking the person is or isn't. You have a life together.

[D]

Well, on another truth bomb, you ain't gonna look the same forever. Neither one of you.

[A]

All right.

[D]

Base it on that. That's gonna go away really fast. Anyway, getting back to the list, this.

[H]

Is just a millionth example of bad ideas that died in real life but flourish on the Internet. Like they're being fed miracle grow.

[D]

Well. And I can tell you from personal experience how that plays out in the real world. If you're standing around with other dudes who constantly, you know, no, she's to this or she's to that. And you're all alone. You're all going home alone and judging the other crowd. The person in the crowd who thinks I kind of think she's attractive is not going to say it out loud.

[F]

Yeah.

[H]

Because they're gonna hold back for fear of mockery.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Katie.

[I]

And well, and if you're the dude that's gonna ask, she's, she's not this or she's not that. Well, you are you perfect.

[D]

Yeah, I've heard that from some dudes before saying that sort of thing.

[F]

Look at you.

[D]

You're standing here. You're a fat guy in cargo shorts and a dirty T shirt, and you're missing a tooth.

[B]

Shut up.

[H]

Are you talking about.

[D]

Yeah, get a tooth.

[H]

It makes me sad, though. Oh, my God.

[I]

The other day, I was sitting with one of my girlfriends, and her guy was sitting, you know, a few seats down, and we were talking about this one girl that came in. She was beautiful. I actually. And she works. She obviously worked out. And I went up to her and I high fived her. I was like, that's why I go to the gym.

[D]

Show.

[I]

Tell me what you do. And the guy was like, ah, she's all right. It's like no knockout. I don't know.

[D]

Very strange. That make you feel cool saying that?

[E]

I don't know.

[D]

I have never said that in my life.

[I]

It doesn't come across as cool.

[D]

Maybe as an entire high school career of being, you know, alone.

[H]

I've.

[D]

I've never felt in the position of just being that. That person. Anyway, the other one. And I won't go through all them because we're. We've already used up quite a bit of time. But the other one, she points out is hashtag, me too. MeToo is another reason why men might be opting out. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. She writes, the MeToo movement was necessary and needed to. There's no place for creeps, pervs, harassment, or oppression of any kind. Women called out the abuse, took a stand, and I'm glad they did. No woman should have to fear for her life while dating, however, the pendulum seems to have swung way too far the other way, and now both sexes are in a standoff. Men are afraid to approach women at all, to talk to them, to even look their way because of the legal peril it could put them in. I know that this is true. No guy is gonna put himself out there with the kind of risk. With that kind of risk. And no guy is going to risk rejection when women just want to be left alone. Which also makes. Sad. She says here.

[H]

Yeah, I call it the French Revolution syndrome. Yeah, they had plenty of gripes against the monarchy, plenty of good legit gripes. Then it went too far. It went too crazy and ended up being something horrifically ugly.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

Where does this does. Does this ever get straightened out? I don't see how it would. I don't think this is like a. A blip in history or something like that. How would.

[H]

How would it. How would it ever unplug the Internet?

[F]

Yeah, that's.

[D]

I don't see this ever getting better. I really don't. I can't imagine the Forces that would cause this to get better.

[H]

All right, here's what I predict. And. And millions of people will not have the benefit of this. They will reject it and they will be miserable. And I pity them. Something like 21st century Amishness will arise. It will be a cultural norm in these subcultures that form that you are unplugged except through necessity. And I don't know how big it will be, but I guarantee it will arise because the toxicity of the Internet is unmistakable to anybody with eyes and ears. It's also a wonderful resource in a lot of ways. Blah, blah. We know there will be a subculture that will arise that will reject all of this stuff.

[D]

Yeah, she. She doesn't just beat up on women in this article. She goes on to talk about porn and how it's so easy for men to, you know, satisfy at the very base, like, lowest bar level, that. That kind of keeps you from getting dressed and showering, going out on the town on Friday night.

[H]

Taking the risk.

[D]

Taking the risk. Yeah. I don't know, my son. I'll end with this slightly different but somewhat similar is that I got him a new computer over the weekend. Then he needed it for a variety of reasons. It's just, you know, computers get outdated after like few years. You just. You literally can't use them anymore. I took it in to get it fixed at Best Buy, and they told me last year, they said, you realize by September of next year this will be. This will no longer support Microsoft's blah, blah, blah, so you have to get a new computer. Anyway, so I got him a new computer. He spent a lot of time playing video games over the weekend. And then. And then last night he was feeling kind of depressed and he said, you know, I was happier last week when I was just doing homework, playing my guitar and doing other things. I was happier last week than I was that I am now when I was playing my new computer. That's a good observation, man.

[H]

Okay.

[D]

That makes me less happy. I thought that made me happy and made me less happy, but I'm not sure everyone can come to that conclusion on their own.

[H]

You know, the idea of joining the Amish community sounds kind of good sometimes.

[D]

Yeah. Grow myself a beard.

[G]

Sure.

[D]

Barn raisin, churn some barn raisins, churn some butter. Well, I guess that's it.

[C]

The NFL International games continue on NFL Network. And here our stars come out in the morning. Week 10. Bajan Robinson and the Falcons take on Daniel Jones and the Colts in Berlin.

[D]

Fireworks in the fourth quarter.

[C]

Then in week 11. Jaden Daniels and the Commanders face Tua and the Dolphins in Madrid. Snooze off Game on It's Sunday morning Football continues November 9th at 9:30 Eastern only on NFL Network.

[F]

This is Justin Richmond, host of Broken Record. Lexus is a company that believes in the importance of setting a standard, which I can appreciate as someone who holds themselves to lofty, if not ridiculous standards, especially with the car I drive. The standard Lexus has set for themselves is to experience amazing. Lexus measures success by the feeling and emotions evoked in a driver, like exhilaration and joy. Amazing can only be achieved by knowing people on a deeper level. The standard of amazing results in a feeling in drivers that their car was built in anticipation of them. Machines that make you feel more human because a car that doesn't make you feel something is a car that stops short of amazing Experience Amazing at your.

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