Armstrong & Getty On Demand
Episode: Of Course You'd Pull It Out Of Your Beard
Date: December 5, 2025
Host: iHeartPodcasts
Episode Overview
This episode of Armstrong & Getty is a classic blend of quick-witted banter, cultural commentary, and personal anecdotes. The hosts jump between topics that dominate the week's headlines—Trump’s surprising FIFA award, the ongoing war on drugs vs. America’s love affair with alcohol, the shifting tides in marijuana legalization, and the declining quality of consumer goods. The conversation is punctuated by memorable quotes, tongue-in-cheek humor, and a few moments that verge on the philosophical about the nature of legality, quality, and modern life.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
Trump's FIFA Award & FIFA's Reputation
- Segment Start: [02:28]
- Trump is attending the FIFA World Cup draw at the Kennedy Center to receive the FIFA World Peace Prize—something the hosts find bizarre, possibly corrupt, and worthy of mockery.
- Quote:
"The idea that freaking FIFA and its bribe-bribing, money-sucking, caviar-eating, private jet-flying denizens would confer a peace prize on Trump for any reason other than to kiss his ass is absolutely hilarious." — Joe Getty [03:38]
- Quote:
- The hosts lampoon the practice of handing out such awards as transactional and suspect, comparing FIFA’s reputation to other globally corrupt institutions.
Clips of the Week: A Cavalcade of News Moments
- Segment Start: [04:22]
- Audio montage recapping the week’s wildest news stories, providing humorous and pointed commentary (e.g., narco-boat bombings, COVID-era fraud, Ilhan Omar jabs, animal control stories).
Book Recommendation & Turkish Soccer Corruption
- Segment Start: [06:33]
- Jack recommends the novel "Snow" by Orhan Pamuk, praising fiction’s power to reveal truths about countries like Turkey.
- Quote:
"Fiction very often is better at describing something than any sort of real book can be." — Jack Armstrong [07:36]
- Quote:
- Lighthearted jabs at the pervasiveness of corruption in Turkish professional soccer.
The Logic of Bombing Drug Boats vs. Legal Alcohol
- Segment Start: [07:58]
- The hosts question the reasoning behind U.S. strikes on drug traffickers while alcohol, which also kills tens of thousands, remains legal.
- Quote:
"Alcohol kills, on average over the last several decades, about a hundred thousand people a year. And we ain’t bombing any distilleries." — Jack Armstrong [08:19]
- Quote:
Marijuana Legalization—Backlash Brewing
- Segment Start: [08:44] & [17:47]
- Discussion about Massachusetts possibly becoming the first state to reverse marijuana legalization.
- They detail how the promised upsides (like tax revenue) haven’t averaged out, while negative outcomes (black markets, impact on youth, etc.) have been worse than expected.
- Quote:
"The positives have not been nearly what was promised, and the negatives were more than we’d guessed they would be." — Joe Getty [09:27]
- Quote:
- Idaho seeks to pre-empt future legalization initiatives.
Consumer Spending and Economic Strain
- Segment Start: [09:52]
- Analysis of holiday shopping trends: the “K-shaped” recovery as high earners and bargain hunters fuel most spending, while middle- and lower-income households cut back on basics to splurge on holidays.
"Chinese Crap" Rant & The Quality of Consumer Goods
- Segment Start: [11:26]
- Jack unleashes his recurring screed against low-quality "Chinese crap," bemoaning the decline in durable goods and urging listeners to invest in better products (like German-made pencils).
- Quote:
"Why don’t we all just spend a little more on a bunch of stuff that’s much higher quality... than buying the cheapest Chinese crap out there?" — Jack Armstrong [11:39]
- Quote:
- Nostalgic comparison to childhood toys and tools that lasted generations.
Shifting Credit Norms in America
- Segment Start: [15:08]
- Brief musings about America’s dependence on credit, credit cards, and whether any subculture resists it (answer: barely, except maybe the Amish).
Title Reference: "Of Course, You'd Pull It Out of Your Beard"
- Quote:
"I don’t see Amish guys whipping out their credit cards. Pull it right out of their beard. Here, you take plastic. Of course you pull it out of your beard." — Jack & Joe [15:23 to 15:29]
High-School NIL (Name, Image, Likeness) Culture
- Segment Start: [16:55]
- The infiltration of college-like recruiting and booster money into high school football—sobering stories about exploitation and the “evils of modern society.”
Deep Dive: Drugs, Alcohol & The Drunken Monkey Hypothesis
- Segment Start: [20:22]
- The hosts tie together American attitudes toward drugs and alcohol, recounting studies of chimps in the wild naturally ingesting alcohol via fermented fruit.
- Quote:
"Chimpanzees naturally ingest surprising amounts of alcohol from ripe, fermenting fruit... their typical fruit diet can equal one to two human drinks each day." — Joe Getty [22:23]
- Quote:
- Speculate on the hypocrisy, effectiveness, and underlying philosophy of drug laws.
- "I would much rather persuade people than persuade the government to use its guns to get people to live better lives.” — Joe Getty [25:34]
- They reflect on the legacy of Prohibition, the 21st/22nd Amendment anniversary (debated with comic uncertainty), and the failure of laws to curb human appetite for substances.
Legal vs. Moral Arguments & The Limits of Legality
- Segment Start: [25:34]
- Discussion on when society relies too much on law rather than moral suasion: the difference between “right” and “legal.”
Pillow Talk & Inventions
- Segment Start: [31:04]
- A comic interlude as Jack discusses his search for the “perfect pillow” (the kind you remove stuffing from to adjust firmness).
- Jack pitches a bed for side or stomach sleepers with a “hole” for your arm, to get comfortable, leading to laughter and skepticism from all.
Modern Politics: Netflix + HBO Merger & Elizabeth Warren
- Segment Start: [33:16]
- Warren’s concerns about Netflix potentially buying HBO are lampooned for their boilerplate (and possibly hollow) invocation of “American workers at risk.”
Podcasts as the New University
- Segment Start: [34:41]
- Jack and Joe share enthusiasm for “The Rest is History” podcast (2025 Apple Podcast of the Year) and marvel at the abundance of free learning resources now available.
- Quote:
"There's never been a greater time to get knowledge... Any knowledge you want about anything is out there and you can get it for free." — Jack Armstrong [36:13]
- Quote:
Memorable Quotes
- “Number two pencils are number two. That’s what I say.” — Joe Getty [13:31]
- “I keep thinking of Todd Snyder... Had some song where he talked about people like drugs, they’re gonna do drugs. And it’s not which drugs, it’s which drugs the companies allow you to do or blah blah, blah... now he’s dead at 59.” — Jack Armstrong [26:54]
- “What would stress chimps out, that they need a couple of drinks at the end of the day?... Probably the whole mating thing.” — Joe Getty [29:01]
- “Democracy has failed. ... Why is God punishing the people of Minnesota by giving them the choice between Mike Lindell or Tim Waltz?” — Joe Getty [33:01]
- “I’d rather talk about chimps drinking.” — Joe Getty [34:11]
Lighter Segments & Running Gags
- Banter about “drunk monkeys,” interspecies relationships, peeling bananas from the “monkey end” [29:35].
- Final Thoughts segment: the crew shares plans for toffee-eating, t-shirt wearing, and speculation about Jack’s “bed hole” concept [36:39].
- A playful (if dark) observation: “You’re gonna have crying children that don’t get presents if it doesn’t show up there on time. Daddy, you told me I was getting A and G swag. Waaaa.” — Jack Armstrong [38:01]
Timestamps for Important Segments
- [02:28] Trump & The FIFA World Peace Prize
- [04:22] Clips of the Week
- [06:33] Turkish Soccer & Book Recommendations
- [07:58] Drug Boat Bombings vs. Alcohol
- [08:44] Marijuana Legalization Reversal
- [09:52] Consumer Spending Trends
- [11:26] "Chinese Crap" & Product Quality
- [15:23] Credit, Amish, and “Pulling it Out of Your Beard”
- [16:55] High-School NIL Spending
- [17:47] Marijuana Legalization Rollbacks
- [20:22] Drunken Monkey Hypothesis
- [25:34] Law, Morality, & Persuasion
- [31:04] Perfect Pillow & Bed Hole Invention
- [33:16] Netflix, HBO, and Elizabeth Warren
- [34:41] Podcasts and Access to Knowledge
- [36:39] Final Thoughts & Show Closing
Tone & Style
- Language is conversational, light, sarcastic, and occasionally poignant.
- The duo maintain a contrarian, everyman tone, blending social criticism with wry humor and the occasional philosophical aside.
- Frequent wisecracks, pop culture references, and dad-joke-level puns keep the pace lively.
This episode is a prime Armstrong & Getty mix: news of the weird, cultural critique, practical product tips, mockery of both elites and the everyday, and affectionate mockery of each other. You’ll laugh, you’ll think, and you’ll never look at a pencil or a banana the same way again.