To Be Honest, I Hate Your Dishonesty

Summary

Armstrong & Getty On Demand – Episode: "To Be Honest, I Hate Your Dishonesty"

Release Date: July 28, 2025

In this engaging episode of the Armstrong & Getty On Demand podcast, hosted by iHeartPodcasts, Armstrong, Getty, and Jack delve into the intricate dynamics of honesty within romantic relationships. Titled "To Be Honest, I Hate Your Dishonesty," the episode explores the profound impact that genuine honesty can have on relationship satisfaction and emotional well-being, backed by recent psychological research.

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1. Opening Discussion: Arrest on a Plane

The episode kicks off with a brief yet riveting narrative shared by Armstrong regarding a startling incident involving a pilot's arrest upon landing in San Francisco.

• Armstrong (01:19): “Plane lands in San Francisco. As soon as it lands, federal agents rush into the plane and grab one of the pilots and take him off in cuffs... waiting for him to land in the United States.”

Jack and Getty express their astonishment and analyze the scenario humorously, highlighting the unexpectedness of such an arrest occurring right in front of passengers.

• Getty (01:59): “I guess it's kind of odd they did that in front of the passenger.”

• Jack (02:07): “That's pretty good. Santa plane. Yeah. I can't think of any better place to arrest somebody though.”

This segment serves as a light-hearted introduction before transitioning into the main topic.

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2. The Power of Honesty in Relationships

Jack introduces the central theme of the episode by referencing a study from the University of Rochester that underscores the benefits of brutal honesty between partners.

• Jack (03:29): “So your relationship can handle way more honesty than you think it can. As I often respond, how do you know what I think? In a new study from the University of Rochester... being brutally honest with your partner benefits both of you even if things get uncomfortable.”

Armstrong expresses curiosity mixed with skepticism, pondering the practical applications of such honesty.

• Armstrong (03:47): “I can't wait to hear the examples... Maybe they’re going to say that you should tell them you look fat as a hog in that.”

Jack elaborates on the study's methodology, providing a comprehensive overview of how honesty was measured and its effects analyzed.

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3. Study Methodology and Findings

Jack meticulously breaks down the research process, ensuring listeners grasp the validity and implications of the findings.

• Jack (04:09): “Researchers brought these couples into a laboratory and began jabbing them with sharp sticks... had them discuss something one partner wanted the other to change, the kind of conversation most people dread having.”

He explains that couples privately wrote down their desired changes before discussing them openly, allowing researchers to assess the level of honesty based on the alignment between private thoughts and spoken words.

• Jack (06:19): “Now they brought the couples into the lab, had them discuss something... then researchers compared what people wrote in private to what they actually said out loud during the recorded conversations.”

The study revealed that honesty led to immediate improvements in emotional well-being and relationship satisfaction, even if the partners perceived the conversations differently.

• Jack (07:13): “When people were more honest about requesting changes from their partners, both people in the relationship reported better emotional well-being and higher relationship satisfaction immediately after the conversation.”

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4. Practical Examples and Personal Anecdotes

To illustrate the study's findings, Armstrong and Getty share humorous and relatable scenarios, enhancing the discussion's relatability.

• Armstrong (08:35): “If somebody told me that just be, oh, well, I need to change things. I need a brush, I need to get a mint... But I wouldn't be personally hurt, really.”

Jack supports this with a more serious example related to sexual intimacy, emphasizing that honest conversations can address deeper issues constructively.

• Jack (09:29): “It could be a sexual thing... people could put it in a more gentle way, but it could certainly be something like that.”

Getty adds a touch of humor while reinforcing the importance of moral honesty.

• Getty (08:46): “That's more like moral. The honesty aspect of it, like just coming out and saying what you feel.”

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5. Long-Term Benefits of Honesty

The hosts discuss the study's longitudinal aspect, highlighting that the benefits of honesty extend beyond immediate emotional boosts.

• Jack (09:16): “Researchers found that the couples did not need to share the same reality about the conversation for both people to benefit from it. What mattered more was that people were actually being honest and that their partners perceived them as honest.”

Three months post-discussion, couples who practiced honesty continued to report enhanced emotional well-being and observed positive changes in their partners.

• Jack (10:15): “Three months later, many benefits persisted. People who had been more honest during the initial discussion reported better emotional well-being and were more likely to see positive changes in their partners over time.”

This enduring impact underscores honesty's foundational role in fostering healthy and resilient relationships.

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6. Conclusion: Embracing Honesty

Wrapping up, Armstrong and Getty reiterate the significance of honesty, encouraging listeners to integrate these findings into their own relationships for lasting benefits.

• Jack (09:29): “It could be a sexual thing... honesty proved beneficial.”

• Getty (10:43): “That's what you're like. Wow. So perfect.”

Their blend of humor and insightful analysis offers a balanced perspective, making the episode both entertaining and enlightening.

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Notable Quotes:

• Jack (03:29): “Being brutally honest with your partner benefits both of you even if things get uncomfortable.”

• Armstrong (07:51): “Sometimes you just gotta take a step back so they can't hit you and say an uncomfortable thing.”

• Jack (07:46): “What mattered more was that people were actually being honest and that their partners perceived them as honest.”

• Jack (10:15): “Three months later, many benefits persisted.”

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Final Thoughts

"To Be Honest, I Hate Your Dishonesty" offers a compelling exploration of how honesty, even when uncomfortable, can strengthen romantic bonds. Through a blend of scientific research, personal anecdotes, and witty banter, Armstrong and Getty provide listeners with actionable insights into fostering more genuine and fulfilling relationships. This episode is a must-listen for anyone seeking to enhance their interpersonal connections through the power of honesty.

Transcript

[Jack]

This is an iHeart podcast.

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[Jack]

To be honest, I hate your dishonesty. It's one more thing.

[Armstrong]

Armstrong and Getty. One more thing. First, this. We didn't get to this story on the Armstrong and Getty radio show.

[Jack]

Maybe we will tomorrow.

[Armstrong]

Plane lands in San Francisco. Soon as it lands, federal agents rush into the plane and grab one of the pilots and take him off in cuffs. Man, if I was sitting there, I would think, what the hell is going on there? Yeah, it was some guy that had run afoul of child porn laws and they're waiting for him to land in the United States.

[Jack]

Wow.

[Armstrong]

Immediately ran, grabbed him and took him away. More on that on the next Armstrong and Getty radio show.

[Jack]

Well, you know, you put a cop right there at the entrance to the cockpit. He's not going anywhere.

[Getty]

I guess it's kind of odd they did that in front of the passenger.

[Armstrong]

They must have thought he was gonna.

[Getty]

Be a flight risk.

[Armstrong]

Hey. Huh.

[Jack]

That's pretty good. Santa plane. Yeah. I can't think of any better place to arrest somebody though. I mean, I get, I get your whole passenger thing, but I mean, like I said, he can't possibly flee anywhere. He can hardly even stand up.

[Armstrong]

Right? Yeah.

[Jack]

Wow. Perv. Mm.

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[Jack]

So your relationship can handle way more honesty than you think it can. As I often respond, how do you know what I think? In a new study from the University of Rochester in beautiful upstate New York found that being brutally honest with your partner benefits both of you even if things get uncomfortable. Wow.

[Armstrong]

I can't wait to hear the examples, because some of them are clearly. Well, maybe I'm wrong. I was going to say clearly, don't fall under this category. You know, do I look fat in this? But maybe I'm wrong. Are they going to say that you should tell them you look fat as a hog in that.

[Jack]

All right, so here's your methodology. Scientists examined 214 romantic couples who'd been together an average of 15 years.

[Armstrong]

There you go.

[Jack]

Researchers brought these couples into a laboratory and began jabbing them with sharp sticks. No, I made that part of they had them discuss something one partner wanted the other to change, the kind of conversation most people dread having. And partners took turns being the person requesting change and the person receiving the feedback.

[Armstrong]

This reminds me of one of my best friends texted me on Friday that can you believe it's been 32 years? They've been married for 32 years, he and his wife. And I remember him telling me one time, he said, sometimes you just gotta take a step back so they can't hit you and say an uncomfortable thing.

[Jack]

That's a funny way to put it. Anyway, so getting back to the methodology, which is interesting because as I haven't talked about this for a long time, I used to make it was an incredibly small amount of money. I can't even remember if it was 5 bucks or 15 or something. As an undergraduate student at the University of Illinois, I would answer the little ads. The psychology department needed subjects for experiments, tests, studies. And I would go down and I was, I did a bunch of them.

[Armstrong]

But like, would they lock you in a box and let rats gnaw on you? I mean, like, what kind of tests were you doing?

[Jack]

No, no, indeed. At the time, the Mambi Pamby administration wouldn't allow anything cruel or pain inducing. But the interesting part of it is they would tell you what you were doing and sometimes like what they were testing and then you would do what they want you to do, answer the questions or whatever. Then at the end they'd revealed that they weren't really looking into that thing at all.

[Armstrong]

Oh, cool.

[Jack]

They throw you off so you're not like trying to. Yeah, interesting.

[Armstrong]

Okay, yeah.

[Jack]

Teach to the test, as it were.

[Armstrong]

Anyway, so here's your examples.

[Jack]

No, no, I really can't. One might pop into my head while we're, we're talking. I can picture the setting.

[Getty]

They erased his memory when they hooked him up to the test.

[Armstrong]

With the rats nibbling on you.

[Jack]

Yeah. Oh yeah. These weird unexplained scars. Roughly rat tooth shaped. Anyway, so they, they brought the couples into the lab, had them discuss something. One partner wanted to change, the other changed the. And then vice versa. Before couples talked, participants privately wrote down what they wanted their partner to change. Then researchers compared what people wrote in private to what they actually said out loud during the recorded conversations. Now they, then they also had another layer of it. Independent observers watched all the videos. Bunch of people. And rated how honest each person was being by comparing their private thoughts to their spoken word.

[Armstrong]

But so is this like situation where you were going to. I'm going to, I'm going to tell them about their breath, you know, and you write down, I'm going to tell them their breath is horrible and they need to do something about it like that.

[Jack]

Sure.

[Armstrong]

But then you get the yips when you have to actually tell them and.

[Jack]

You like, yes, okay, yes, I do. We do. Everyone does. Yeah, it's that sort of thing. When people were more honest about requesting changes from their partners, both people in the relationship reported better emotional well being and higher relationship satisfaction immediately after the conversation. And researchers found that the couples did not need to share the same reality about the conversation for both people to benefit from it. What mattered more was that people were actually, actually were being honest and that their partners perceived them as honest.

[Armstrong]

So if I wrote down, I'm going to tell him about, okay, how about in this scenario, I'm married to a woman.

[Jack]

If I can say, wait a minute, this is an announcement.

[Getty]

This is going to be a hell.

[Jack]

Of a cool, we love you, we care about you, it's fine.

[Armstrong]

No, I think the other problem would complicate the marriage with him because I'd have to at some and say I'm not gay. So if you've noticed a lack of intimacy, it's because I'm not gay. So, so if I was going to say to her, your breath smells like a garbage dump, I don't need to say it like that. But if I was going to tell her that and then I get in there and I say, there are, there are, look, there are certain things about you, hygiene wise, that I don't dig or something like that because I, I get scared to just say it out loud.

[Jack]

But if I said it out loud.

[Armstrong]

It would be better for both of us.

[Jack]

Right. Not, not to be intentionally hurtful as your yeah, yeah, quasi humorous example was. But yeah, just be, be frank.

[Getty]

That's more like moral. The honesty aspect of it, like just coming out and saying what you feel.

[Armstrong]

Yeah.

[Jack]

To try jump to the end of it. You are sending the message, I am honest with you. And that underlying principle of your relationship is much more important than the topic or any momentary discomfort with someone being honest with you because it can be very uncomfortable.

[Armstrong]

Yeah, I need a better example because I just feel like that one wouldn't bother many people. I mean if somebody told me that just be, oh, well, I need to change things. I need a brush, I need to get a mint. I need to build. But I wouldn't be personally hurt, really.

[Jack]

It could be a sexual thing. You know, we, it's. It's to this or that or not enough. This or the way you do that is not only not pleasurable, it's really annoying and off putting. And you know, there are, there are ways you could put it that were a little more gentle, but it could certainly be something like that. Interestingly, researchers tested their findings across multiple measures including self reported emotional well being, relationship satisfaction and motivation to change. They also had trained observers rate the same factors. Patterns held consistent across all measures. And interestingly, three months later, many benefits persisted. People who had been more honest during the initial discussion reported better emotional well being and were more likely to see positive changes in their partners over time. Which makes sense.

[Armstrong]

Hmm.

[Jack]

Oh, here it is, Jack. Study participants were not discussing minor annoyances either. Changes people requested were specifically chosen to be topics they would find uncomfortable to share share real issues that could potentially cause conflict. Yet even in these challenging circumstances, honesty proved beneficial.

[Armstrong]

Listen, pillow princess, here, hold this. You hand her a trout and she says, why the truck? You're a. Like a cold fish.

[Jack]

That's what you're like. Wow. So perfect. Yeah, that's, that's, that's really good. Because people love a visual aids be metaphors and see the smell of a trout, right? Yes, fish.

[Armstrong]

Exactly.

[Jack]

You're like this in bed. There. Hold it. See how you like it. There we go. And she would reply, I feel better about our relationship.

[Getty]

This was beneficial.

[Jack]

Thank you. I feel better across several measures of satisfaction. Well, I guess that's it.

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[Jack]

This is an iHeart podcast.