Welcome back to Ask Hartley Anything, episode six. I'm your host, John Hartley, and every week I take your questions and share insights from my journey as an engineering leader.

Today, we're diving into a topic that's close to my heart: giving yourself grace. This means allowing yourself room to breathe, not being overly critical or pushing yourself too hard. It's something I've struggled with for a long time, and while I'm still working on it, I hope to shed some light on the subject. Maybe you're grappling with this too, and we can work through it together.

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Today, we'll explore why we push ourselves so hard, how it affects us, practical strategies for balancing ambition with self-compassion, and the long-term benefits of permitting yourself to rest and recover. If you've ever felt like you're not doing enough, this episode is for you. Even getting this episode out was a struggle for me—I debated whether to push myself or take a break. But I committed to releasing episodes weekly this year, so here we are.

Burnout is an issue we face daily, so let's dive in. Why do we feel this way? Why do we push ourselves too hard? Much of what I'll share comes from my own experience. For instance, I ran a hot sauce company on the side while managing my day job and personal life. It was exhausting and led to burnout.

The culture of overwork is finally starting to fade away, but hustle culture still lingers. Social media often glorifies constant productivity—early mornings, cold plunges, 10-mile runs before breakfast. This lifestyle can make us feel inadequate if we're not doing the same.

This year, I've switched to audiobooks instead of stressing about reading physical books quickly enough. Oddly enough, manga like Berserk keeps my attention better than traditional books.

Why do we push ourselves? Fear of failure and imposter syndrome play a big role. Early in my career at a digital agency, I pushed myself so hard that I got stress-induced shingles twice. The fear of being seen as a failure or unreliable drove me to overwork.

This self-imposed pressure is something I've reflected on for years. We often equate more effort with more success, but sometimes stepping back is the most productive thing we can do.

Think about where you're being hard on yourself and why. Are you pushing too far? In engineering leadership, I promote work-life balance heavily. If someone hasn't taken time off in a while, I encourage them to do so—not because they're doing a bad job but because they need to take care of themselves.

We've created a culture where we're always on, especially in tech. Some colleagues don't even have Slack on their phones—setting boundaries is crucial.

Let's talk strategies for giving yourself grace:

1. Reframe Your Mindset: What does success mean to you? For me, it used to mean climbing the corporate ladder as fast as possible. Titles aren't everything; they don't necessarily equate to impact or satisfaction.

2. Perfectionism: Are you trying to be perfect or good enough? Be okay with 80%. Perfection isn't realistic; aim for progress instead.

3. Set Boundaries: Define clear working hours and stick to them. Use tools like Google Calendar and Slack notifications wisely.

4. Practice Self-Compassion: Talk to yourself like a friend would—replace criticism with kindness and encouragement.

5. Acknowledge Wins: Keep track of your accomplishments, even small victories—they build momentum and positivity.

Lean on your network when you're struggling—having a hype person can make all the difference. And if you're still finding it tough, seeking professional help is okay too.

Understanding your boundaries and relationships is critical as you navigate your career. Reflecting on your progress regularly helps maintain balance and growth.

So think about what makes you happy and gives you joy in life. Give yourself some grace and set boundaries that work for you.

Pushing yourself too hard generally leads to burnout rather than success. Reframe what success means for you—prioritize what matters most.

What's one thing you'll give yourself grace with this week? I'd love to hear your thoughts—reach out at askharley.com or connect with me on LinkedIn.

Thanks for listening! We'll be back next week with episode seven—possibly discussing documentation in engineering organizations with a special guest!

Until next time, take care of yourselves!

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit hartleyshandbook.com

The Balance Between Ambition and Self-Compassion