Dr. Becky: Your Kids Don’t Need a Perfect Mom. They Need a Leader.

Summary

Aspire with Emma Grede

Episode: Dr. Becky: Your Kids Don’t Need a Perfect Mom. They Need a Leader.
Date: January 20, 2026
Guest: Dr. Becky Kennedy (Clinical Psychologist, Parenting Expert, Founder of Good Inside)
Host: Emma Grede

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Episode Overview

This episode is a deep dive into modern motherhood, the myth of "mom guilt," and how to lead as a parent rather than striving for unattainable perfection. Dr. Becky Kennedy—renowned psychologist, author, and entrepreneur—joins Emma Grede for a candid, practical, and empowering conversation on the real needs of children, the pitfalls of perfectionism, emotion regulation, the interplay of leadership between home and work, and practical strategies for reclaiming agency and fulfillment as a parent and professional.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. What Kids Actually Need from Parents (03:16–05:06)

• Dr. Becky’s core thesis: Children don't need a perfect or constantly present parent—they need parents who make them feel seen, safe (not necessarily comfortable), validated, and believed in.
  • Quote: “We don’t want our kids to be happy all the time. They really need to feel like their parent connects to them and believes in them…that they can do hard things.” (04:41, Dr. Becky)
• Emma relates to constantly measuring her parenting by how much time she spends and events she attends, feeling “out of balance.”
• The importance of “zooming out”: Looking beyond isolated moments and judging oneself as a parent by deep, meaningful interactions, not superficial benchmarks.

2. The Roots and Cycle of Mom Guilt (05:06–07:09)

• Why is ‘never enough’ a universal feeling for ambitious women?
  • Dr. Becky asserts that many women have internalized a need for constant external validation, which translates into parenting.
  • The tendency to judge oneself by children’s emotions or behavior is a flawed metric, often leading to destructive self-critique.
• Quote: “The surest way to feel awful about yourself as a mom is to judge yourself by your kid’s behavior.” (05:49, Dr. Becky)

3. Parenting as Leadership (07:31–09:29)

• Drawing a parallel between workplace leadership and parenting:
  • The strongest leaders and parents are those who can hold boundaries and values while recognizing and holding space for others’ feelings.
  • Quote: “Anyone listening, if you’re a parent, you are a leader.” (07:47, Dr. Becky)
  • A sturdy leader doesn’t waver decisions based on others’ (or children’s) complaints, but empathizes without capitulating.
  • Example: Setting bedtime boundaries—your child may dislike it, but that doesn’t mean the decision is wrong.

4. Our Collective Discomfort with Uncomfortable Emotions (09:39–14:39)

• Dr. Becky suggests that increased convenience and digital life has eroded both parents’ and children's “frustration tolerance."
  • The space between wanting and having is where frustration—and crucially, growth—lives.
  • Memorable analogy: “Our kids have never hoped there was a movie available.” (13:32, Dr. Becky, Blockbuster example)
• Quote: “Our kids can’t learn to tolerate feelings we don’t tolerate in them.” (11:07, Dr. Becky)

5. Practical Ways to Build Frustration Tolerance (14:39–19:06)

• Don’t always remove healthy frustration for your kids, even if you have the resources.
  • Dr. Becky on making kids attend siblings’ events, waiting in lines, taking public transit (“waiting is a thing!”)—these moments build vital real-world coping skills.
  • Quote: “My job as a parent is to help you become a truly successful adult, which means you know how to operate in the world and be a good person.” (16:46, Dr. Becky)

6. The Myth that Parents Must Make Kids Happy (19:06–21:36)

• Emma notes resistance from others when she says it's not her job to make her kids happy all the time.
• Dr. Becky distinguishes between intention (supporting growth) versus intervention (rescuing out of discomfort).
  • Quote: “Kids feel your intention over your intervention.” (19:29, Dr. Becky)
• Parents must avoid robbing children of opportunities to learn capability by intervening too quickly.

7. Emotional Regulation for Parents and Kids (21:36–26:34)

• Emotion regulation is the foundational life skill, not a “soft” skill.
  • It’s the ability to manage emotions while feeling capable—not to “get rid” of emotions.
  • Dysregulated anger is “anger without skills.”
• Early signals (resentment, unmet needs) should be heeded before big blowups.
  • Quote: “If anger is the feeling that most puts us in touch with what we need and aren’t getting, that voice…is actually an early sign.” (25:23, Dr. Becky)

8. The Culture of Self-Abandonment & “Gazing In” (26:34–33:08)

• Many women have learned to ignore their own needs and focus on everyone else’s—a survival adaptation.
  • Dr. Becky: “Most of us only know what we want after we don’t get it…but not proactively.” (32:54)
• The first practical reset: book something in your calendar for your joy or rest—even if you don’t know what you want yet. Try, experiment, and re-learn the habit of self-care.

9. Deep Dive on Mom Guilt, Guilt, & Work-Life Tradeoffs (34:53–45:40)

• Dr. Becky reframes guilt: True guilt arises when we act out of alignment with our values. “Mom guilt” is often misnamed—frequently it’s taking on others’ feelings and internalizing them.
  • Quote: “Caring about feelings is completely different than taking responsibility for feelings.” (38:57, Dr. Becky)
• When real guilt about trade-offs emerges, treat it as useful information, not as a character flaw. Use it to re-calibrate, not berate yourself.
• Emma and Dr. Becky agree that balance is "a big fat lie”—life as a parent/leader is a series of conscious trade-offs and longer horizons.
  • Quote: “You can’t measure yourself by a single day or a single week.” (44:11, Dr. Becky)

10. Boundary-Setting and Saying No (45:40–50:43)

• Dr. Becky’s go-to trick: Use “I promised myself”—communicates boundaries and values to others and makes it easier to say no while affirming self-worth.
  • Quote: “Only a real asshole wants you to break a promise with yourself.” (50:43, Dr. Becky)
• Shift from seeing “no” as disappointing others, to “yes to myself.”

11. Final Mindset Shifts for Parents (51:06–53:14)

• Replace martyrdom with sturdy leadership.
  • Quote: “Kids don’t need selfless martyrs. Kids need sturdy leaders.” (51:06, Dr. Becky)
• Model the self-care and boundary-setting you want your kids to internalize.
• Don’t be afraid to seek resources, parenting support, or education—good leadership is about ongoing learning, not instinct or perfection.

12. Dr. Becky on Building Good Inside and Her Own Work-Life Balance (57:28–64:06)

• Dr. Becky describes her company Good Inside—a global, digital-first parenting resource with real-time help and community.
  • She emphasizes scheduling meaningful time with her kids, fiercely guarding mornings for connection, and delegating at work to focus on what matters most to her.
  • She also confesses to ongoing struggles: sitting patiently with uncertainty and unresolved situations.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• “Our kids can’t learn to tolerate feelings we don’t tolerate in them.” (11:07, Dr. Becky)
• “Kids need to feel seen, they need to feel safe—which does not mean comfortable.” (04:39, Dr. Becky)
• “Caring about feelings is completely different than taking responsibility for feelings.” (38:57, Dr. Becky)
• “Only a real asshole wants you to break a promise with yourself.” (50:43, Dr. Becky)
• “Kids don’t need selfless martyrs. Kids need sturdy leaders.” (51:06, Dr. Becky)
• “This feels hard because it is hard—not because I’m doing something wrong.” (66:15, Dr. Becky, mantra)
• Playful wisdom: Dr. Becky’s “Blockbuster” story, Emma’s dry humor on being a “mean mom” by American standards, both keep the tone warm, real, and practical.

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Important Timestamps

• What kids really need – 03:16–05:06
• The origins of mom guilt and women’s ‘never enough’ feeling – 05:06–07:09
• Parenting as leadership – 07:31–09:29
• Impact of convenience on frustration tolerance – 09:39–14:39
• Practical ways to build resilience – 14:39–19:06
• Not your job to make your kids happy – 19:06–21:36
• Emotion regulation – the ultimate skill – 21:36–26:34
• Re-learning self-care and “gazing in” – 26:34–33:08
• Mom guilt, work-life ‘balance’ and tradeoffs – 34:53–45:40
• Real strategies for boundaries and “no” – 45:40–50:43
• Two mindsets every mom needs – 51:06–53:14

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Tone & Language

• Conversational, candid, and supportive
• Both speakers use humor, warmth, and practical wisdom; Dr. Becky is empathetic and deeply validating
• Focus is on empowerment—not judgment—inviting listeners to “zoom out,” reflect, and try new approaches with curiosity rather than shame

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Mini Rapid-Fire (65:46–67:09)

• First thing in the morning: Make coffee. (65:50)
• Mantra: “This feels hard because it is hard. Not because I’m doing something wrong.” (66:15)
• Book that changed her life: Internal Family Systems by Dick Schwartz (66:23)
• What she’s let go of: Guilt about saying no to others in order to say yes to herself. (66:40)
• Old priorities, new perspective: No longer doing things out of “should” but from her own value system. (66:54)

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Takeaways for Listeners

• Perfection isn’t possible, necessary, or even desirable in parenting and leadership—sturdy, value-based boundaries and emotional presence are what matter.
• “Mom guilt” is often a misreading—examine whether you’re out of alignment with your values, or just absorbing others’ feelings.
• Foster resilience by letting your kids (and yourself) experience and move through frustration—don’t remove all obstacles or discomfort.
• Self-care and boundaries model healthy adulthood—invest time in yourself even if it feels awkward at first.
• Judge your parenting and professional journey on a broader “zoomed-out” scale, not on daily or societal scorecards.
• Continued learning, community, and giving oneself grace are powerful tools for growth.

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For more on Dr. Becky or to access her resources: Good Inside

For more from Emma Grede and upcoming episodes, subscribe and follow "Aspire with Emma Grede" on your favorite podcast platform.

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Transcript

[A]

You know that feeling when work is going great, but at home you're thinking, am I messing this up? I feel that way more than I'd like to admit. But talking to parenting expert and New York Times best selling author Dr. Becky Kennedy shifted something major for me. And that's when mum guilt hits you. And suddenly every decision feels like the wrong one. If you're tired of feeling torn between success and motherhood, you need to stay tuned because Dr. Becky gives us the tools to stop choosing and start leading. What does it mean to live a brave life as a working woman? It's about showing up, staying grounded, and having the physical and mental energy to handle the pace of life. And that is one of the reasons to love Ancient and Brave and their pure, potent, powerful supplements. Ancient and Brave has been an iconic wellness brand in the UK for years and now they've launched in the us. It feels like the perfect moment to talk about the two products you can integrate into your daily routine that change the game. They're True Creatine and True Collagen. Called the Power Duo, emerging research explores creatine's role in supporting women's strength, cognitive health and energy. Ancient and Brave's True Creatine plus is the one you need to try. Just load it into your water to support peak performance and vitality. Stack it with their best selling, clinically studied True Collagen. A single ingredient collagen sourced from the EU herds free from growth hormones and routine antibiotics. This is a daily habit that supports healthy aging, post exercise, recovery and skin. They come in gorgeous jars or on the go sachets for wherever you're off to. Ancient and Brave is a certified B corp, a member of 1% for the planet. They offer tools that genuinely support and nourish your brain. Backed by scientists and experts, right now Ancient and Brave is giving my listeners an exclusive offer. Head to ancientandbrave.com and use code EMMA for 20% off your first order. That's ancientandbrave.com code EMMA for 20% off. Give your body a little daily bravery. It adds up. This episode is brought to you by Macy's Shop in store or@macy's.com. Doctor Becky I am so so happy to have you on Aspire. You are one of my dream guests for the reason that I have like 500 questions that I need to ask you. So I'm going to like jump straight into it because I really wanted to frame our conversation around something that I feel terrorizes me, which is this idea of mom guilt and I Feel for so many women, especially all the women that I know. So much of what separates them from being able to be truly successful is how they get caught up in mum guilt. And so, as the parenting expert, a mom of three, I'm assuming, very ambitious woman and certainly very successful businesswoman. My first question to you is really about what kids need. Like, what do kids actually need from their parents versus what the culture and society tells us that they need.

[B]

Such a good place to start. So, first of all, so excited to be here. We're gonna get into all the things. I mean, I don't know if I can answer that in, like, one sentence, but in general, our kids in their early years, through their relationship with us, they are learning all the important things about how to operate and be in the world. So what does that mean? They are learning what emotions are safe and manageable and what emotions are dangerous or quote too much. They are learning, what should I expect from other people? When you get upset with people, can you get through that? Are you allowed to be mad at people you love? You're also learning in your earliest relationships about confidence, about what it means to depend on people and be independent of those people. Right. A lot of dualities. And so I think we focus a lot maybe on, I don't know, how much time do I have with my kids exactly. Or. Right. Was I at this one soccer game? And then an. I know. I do this to myself too. We tell ourselves these huge stories based on one moment or one day or one week that feels out of balance. But if you zoom out, what kids really need is they need to feel seen, they need to feel safe, which does not mean comfortable. And I think that's really important because.

[A]

We have that one writing that down for later.

[B]

We've really confused those two things. In 2025, we do not want our kids to be happy all the time. And they really need to feel like their parent connects to them and believes what's going on for them and also believes in them, believes in their capability, believes that they can do hard things. And then in a way, as a parent, you're kind of that coach who sets them up for everything that's ahead of them.

[A]

So why do we constantly feel like we're failing? What. What has given us the measure? And why are we so out of whack if that's truly what our kids require from us, why are we being count in and thinking, I was only with them for 30 minutes today versus a regular day? Or, like, what. What happened in society to make Us feel like we are constantly falling behind.

[B]

Well, I think you're also talking about something unrelated to parenting that can happen with women is why do we just feel like we're never enough? And if that's something that we have felt for a lot of our years, if I've always gone around the world wondering, how can I, you know, prove myself? What is the marker in the external world that I am doing a good job? I need constant praise. I need to constantly ignore my own needs to take care of everyone else's needs. We're going to take that into motherhood. That doesn't start when we become a mother. So now we take that into motherhood. And the surest way to feel awful about yourself as a mom is to judge yourself by your kid's behavior. And we do that all the time. My kid is a tantrum. That means I'm a bad mom. My kid is upset that I'm going on a business trip. That means I'm a bad mom. My kid was left out from that birthday party and they're so upset, that means I'm a bad mom. All of those are actually the exact same thing. I'm using my kids behavior as a way of judging my parenting. And I'm sure you know about this outside of parenting too. The most empowering thing you can do as a person, definitely as a woman, is to learn to gaze in and get to know what's inside yourself before you gaze out, to rely on. Okay, well, what moments happened with my kid today that felt good, where I felt present, where I wasn't on my phone, where I listened? I actually think what can happen as you shift from always looking out as a barometer to something more internal is you actually realize so many of the moments you thought you were failing as a mom, maybe were your best moments. I was able to be there when my kid has a tantrum and try to stay calm. I was able to sit with them in their disappointment of not being invited to the birthday party. And instead of planning a different party for them to just quote, be happy, I showed them through my behavior that we could just get through things like that together.

[A]

So you're talking about literally shifting the way that you think, shifting the way that you judge your own parenting.

[B]

Yes. I mean, and think about it. For all the things you do in the workplace, I can't imagine you're a successful business leader CEO by saying, I made a certain decision and my employees are upset about it, so I'm going to change my decision. You wouldn't be sitting there, would you?

[A]

I don't think so.

[B]

It's kind of like a pilot saying, I need to make an emergency landing.

[A]

You speak a lot about the similarities in leadership and parenting, and I love that. Can you just talk a little bit more about it? I read a LinkedIn post that you wrote, and I was like. Like, she is so right here.

[B]

Well, first of all, being a parent is being a leader. You're the leader of your family system. So just thinking about it that way, it should make sense that leadership principles in the workplace or on the sports field should apply to the family. So, number one, anyone listening? If you're a parent, you are a leader. Number two, the best leaders I know are able to do two seemingly oppositional things at the same time. They're able to have a sense of their values and their beliefs and kind of their boundaries. And at the same time, they're able to recognize other people's feelings and needs. But what I mean by doing that at the same time is as a leader in the workplace, I can know I'm making a certain decision about a different direction we're going that is going to happen. I can also know certain employees are going to be upset about that. I'm the person who has to make the decision. Those are people who are allowed to have feelings. Their feelings don't dictate my decisions, but also my decisions shouldn't dictate their feelings. They're just both true.

[A]

That, too.

[B]

That's like, such a core thing for being a parent. I'm going to tell my kid making this up. But, no, we're not watching a show tonight. We have to have an early bedtime. I'm allowed to make that decision. I'm the leader. My kid doesn't say to me, Emma, ever, Mom, that I really needed that. I really appreciate you. You're such a sturdy leader. Thank you for looking out for my help. No, you know what? He does. Or she whines, complains. You're the worst man ever. My friends all watch more tv. And if I don't take that personally, if I can just see. Hold on. This is actually leadership. Beautifully done. I make a decision I think matters. My kid gets upset. I can understand their feelings without changing my decision. To me, that sturdy leadership in any area of life.

[A]

And that is just the key to so much of what you talk about. Right. It's like so much of this is. It's okay if your kids are upset.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And when did we stop allowing that? Like, when what happened in our culture that we got so uncomfortable. Because I genuinely think that my mother, who is also a mother of four, really was not that sad when I was upset. No, she was like, you know what? Like, it is what it is. I'm the mom. This is what we're doing. Where did that shift? And like, why are we here now?

[B]

So I think there's a couple of things that happen at the same time culturally. So we talk a lot about phones and media and social media and what that's been like for kids and even when they're younger, maybe it's not social media, but just all their time on screens. Right. And I think what we haven't talked enough about is how our relationship with our phones has completely changed our ability to tolerate our kids upset feelings. Cause if I think about your mom, Emma, you're having a tantrum. You're upset because you couldn't have a sleepover. If I think about what's happening, you know, if that was me or you, My mom when I was growing up definitely did not have all the conveniences, the quick dopamine, the quick hits that I have. We're on our phones, we have Instagram, we buy something quickly, we have something delivered right away. We have a lot more expectation of ease and convenience than our parents did. And so what does that mean? As a general rule, our kids can't learn to tolerate feelings we don't tolerate in them.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

So if my kid is frustrated, because of course they are, they're not allowed to have a sleepover. If I can't tolerate my kid's frustration, probably because I just kind of want to get back to my Instagram scroll and move on with my convenient life. You know what I'm going to do as a parent? I am going to stop them from having a tantrum. Either I'll give in or I'll change my rule. And I say to myself, I'm doing this because I want my kid to be happy. That's not why we don't tolerate our kids upset feelings, because we can't tolerate our own upset feelings in the morning.

[A]

You think we've lost the ability to be uncomfortable, full stop.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Lost.

[B]

I'm more hopeful than that. But I think something I think is critical is called frustration tolerance. It's our ability to tolerate the inherent frustrations of life. There are actually fewer frustrations than there used to be.

[A]

Because of convenience?

[B]

Of convenience.

[A]

Because when I was a kid, if, you know, you needed a light bulb, the whole family was going to a hardware store. Right. Like it or not, my mom was like, come on, we're all going. There was no like, or, or even the idea that you could cry about that. It was just like, we're all going because mum said and it really wasn't a question. So you're really talking about the fact that in society life has become so easy, so convenient. There's so much about the lack of us ever feeling uncomfortable that we can't tolerate bad behavior. And we are modeling that for our kids over and over and over again.

[B]

And then the irony is it leads to more, quote, bad behavior. Because every time our kids, when they're younger, when they see that we are as scared of their distressing emotions as they are, it leads to more intense distressing emotions over time. So then the reason they have, quote, bad behavior is just because they have feelings without skills. But if every time their feelings overpower their skills, which comes out in a tantrum or I hate you, we just shut it down as quickly as possible, then of course the next time those feelings are gonna be even more tense. And they still haven't learned the skills, I think. Do you have Blockbuster growing up? Oh, yes. Okay, so think about what it was like when you and I were young. We wanted to watch a movie. Best case scenario is your parents had a Blockbuster memory.

[A]

Best case.

[B]

So this is what it was like for me. Oh, mom, I really want to watch this movie tomorrow. Can we go to Blockbuster? Like it's, can we go to. Can you imagine your kid? Okay, so then best case, my mom says yes or my dad.

[A]

Best guys, then we have to wait.

[B]

When can we drive? Then you have traffic. You know what you're thinking the whole time in the car. I really hope they have the movie. I hope they have it. My kids have never hoped there was a movie available and they've never had. Okay, so then you get there and you know, you get to the area where they have the movie, but sometimes it's a fake out at Blockbuster. You look behind and you're like, no, they don't have it. And then you have to adjust. Okay, that is a tiny moment in a kid's life.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Think about what it's like for your and my kids when they want to watch a movie. The space between wanting and having has been completely collapsed. And the space between wanting and having is where frustration lives. That is frustration. And if what's happened in our culture is we're constantly collapsing that at times it's nice that I don't have to go to Blockbuster. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm sure crossing my fingers for Blockbuster to come back, but if that's happened to our kids and to us as adults, of course it becomes scarier and scarier to tolerate frustration because it's almost this rare bird that comes along and we haven't learned how to manage it.

[A]

So, so what do we do? Like do we try to manufacture FR so our kids can learn to handle it? Like what? What is the answer?

[B]

It's a such a fantastic question. And I think there's quote manufacturing frustration and then there's trying to be more mindful of the times you're just not removing it. So good example. I remember a couple years ago we were going to one of my kids soccer games and one of my other kids said can you please get me a play date? Like no offense, this kid hardly ever even plays. It's true. Per very, very below average soccer player. Do you know why I think it is so important to not always even if you can have that extra babysitter. Because it's so important for kids to learn. The weekend is not just about your pleasure. My job isn't maximizing your personal pleasure at every moment of the weekend. Do you know why we're gonna go to your siblings soccer game? It's actually because learning that you don't always get what you want, learning to find enjoyment. And by the way, no, I'm not bringing you your iPad. You're gonna actually sit there and you're gonna play a little game in the grass that because you're bored, you only make up games in the grass because you have nothing better to do or you're going to actually learn to watch fairly unexciting soccer game of 6 year olds. Because that's actually what you need to do to be a good person. I say that. And you know why you're going to come with me grocery shopping today instead of staying at home? Because the family needs groceries. And it's not because I'm special like getting you some special treat. It's just because that's what it means to be a member of this family. And going back to why we do this for long term, that's what it means to be a member of society. You have to do things that aren't just about you. So yes, I don't think it's about just inserting frustration. And some of this also I just want to say does have to do with wealth because wealth, especially in this world can buy your way out of frustration. Right? And it might mean yes. I say to parents, take the subway. You can afford an Uber. Take the subway. You know why? Because on the subway, you have to do something called waiting. I say this to my kids, I'm going to teach you how to wait. It's a thing. It is a thing. I know it's very rare, but we're going to learn to wait. So that's why we're taking the bus. That's why we're taking the subway. Because my job as a parent is to help you become a truly successful adult, which means you know how to operate in the world and be a good person. And if I don't? Make sure you have some amount of normal life experience which involves frustration and not always getting what you want. I'm actually not really doing my job.

[A]

My friends and I have recently took a trip, and we booked an incredible place through Airbnb. What made it truly special wasn't just the space. It was the little touches from the host, like the way the neighborhood felt like a community and the connections we made, from discovering a hidden little cafe to chatting with neighbors we never would have met otherwise. Trips like that remind us how travel can really open up a person's world. And while we were away, it sparked a thought. People who travel often really should host their homes through Airbnb. Instead of it sitting empty, it could give someone else that same meaningful experience while also earning some extra income. Imagine putting that money towards your next adventure or a home project. Whatever else you've been planning, whether traveling or at home, hosting through Airbnb is a beautiful way to share space and connection. It could be your next side hustle. A home might be worth more, more than someone thinks. Find out how [e-mail] host. You are preaching to the converted here. When you say what, you say like, it is not my job to make you happy all the time. I feel like there will be mothers and parents at home that recoil that go, but isn't it my job? Aren't I supposed to make them happy? Because when I say things like that in my very English way to my very wonderful American kids, you know, they're like, what? But like, surely it is. And I don't feel like that is the accepted prevailing knowledge that is out there that, you know, when I say something like that, it's actually not my job to usher my kids through every problem. It's actually not my job to, you know, if my kid has an argument to get in touch with the school counselor, I feel like they can figure it out, that's why. And where are we so far from that prevailing wisdom? And how do we get back to it? Because I feel like sometimes you might just be being looked at as like mean mommy.

[B]

So a couple things about that. I think it goes back to what we started with about the importance as a parent being able to gaze in. Now there are ways of being mean mom, that I don't recommend. Like if I see my kids, I don't know, lunch on the table and they've forgotten it and I know they have some really long day is there are times I'm like, hey, you forgot your lunch. Yeah, Like I don't have to purposefully hide their lunch like that. Would you? And I think what it comes back to in terms of gazing in is knowing what is my intention. I really believe kids, people in general, they feel your intention over your intervention. So the same intervention can be felt very differently. Sweetie, do you know why I'm not going to call your teacher? It's actually because I think you're really capable of having the first conversation. And if I do it right away, in some ways I'm saying to you without saying, I don't think you can learn how to have a difficult conversation with your teacher. And I believe that you can so much that I'm not going to do it. I'm happy to talk to you about how you can start that conversation, but that is really important. That is very different than saying to my kid, I'm not calling your teacher, I'm sorry. Figure it out for yourself. Like, same intervention, but very different impact. So that's, number one, know where your intention is coming from. Because when you know, then your kid says, you're such a mean mom, it doesn't have a magnet to stick to. Cause you've already checked it. Yeah. Number two, we are depriving our kids from their capability. Every time you step in and quote, fix a situation your kid could learn to struggle with and figure out for themselves, you are depriving your kid of an opportunity to feel capable. Which is why we see, I think, so much fragility and anxiety in 20 and 30 year olds, even teens. Because anxiety, in a way is just a way of saying, I am scared of this situation and I don't know I can be capable in it. Well, if other people are always stealing your capability by doing things for you, no wonder you feel so anxious.

[A]

You never learn.

[B]

And I think just the last thing I want to say is it's interesting when you're talking about your mom and Then we have this phrase, making our kids happy. I think we have to name it differently. None of this is about making our kid happy. The reason we intervene so quickly when our kid is upset is to make ourselves more comfortable. And as long as we keep saying it's about making our kid happy, it sounds nice. As long as we shift it to hold on. What's going on for me when I see my kid left out. What's going on for me when my kid is, I don't know, struggling in this way Now, I might be more able to tolerate the situation out here because I'm zoned in on what's really happening.

[A]

I mean, I love that you say that. And you talk so much in your work about emotional regulation and how hard that is for both parents and kids. Why is that so central to your theses?

[B]

That's everything. Emotion regulation is the single most important skill of life. It is the most important thing. Hard skills, soft skills, we always have it wrong. Motion regulation, they say, is a soft skill. It is the most important thing. You're never going to be able to use any of your business skills if you're frustrated and yelling at everyone. So that's a precondition. Emotion regulation isn't your ability to get rid of emotions. It's not your ability to exit emotions or bring them to a zero. It's your ability to manage emotions and feel like yourself and feel capable while you're having a feeling. That's what it means to regulate emotions. So many people think it means I'm not supposed to feel angry at people. I would never wish that on anyone. You want to feel angry. Anger is a feeling that tells you you're not getting something you need. Why would you want to not have that feeling? It's the most important thing. You need to know what you need. Now, that's different than dysregulated anger, which comes out as yelling. All that means is, I have anger without skills. But the problem isn't the anger. The problem is the lack of skills. So emotion regulation is our ability to have an emotion and have enough skills to be able to manage that emotion and be able to make good decisions.

[A]

So what do you say to parents when inevitably you do get angry, you do get overwhelmed? Like, what is the way before you spiral to? Like, think about that. What I mean, again, you are teaching parents the way that they should, you know, emotionally regulate. And I just wonder, like, what you tell people, because it happens all the time.

[B]

All the time. So. So first of all, I just want to say to parents, we are. We are set up in such an awful way. Most of us weren't really taught how to manage our emotions, and now we're trying to teach our kids how to manage their emotions. That's like a basketball coach who's never learned basketball. It's a pretty hard gig, but we've been given it. So. I have so much empathy for parents. And I think step one is just recognizing this is a really hard job. This is a really hard job because it involves having to learn something for myself and give something to my kids. Step one, step two, of course you're going to feel angry and overwhelmed. Every human in the world feels all the feelings. That's just part of what it means to be alive. So many of the issues we have around something like feeling angry, which tends to come out as maybe we completely lose it at our kid about something so small, like, oh, chicken for dinner. And it's like a she. Exactly. Parents will often say to me, well, what do I do to not scream at my kid in that moment? To me, that's the equivalent of saying, what do I do so my car doesn't fall off a cliff? And what I'd say to that person is, why is your car always on a cliff? That's the question, like, what do you do when your car's on a cliff? There's.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

There's not that many great options. Right. But if you think about that metaphor, it's like saying, okay, well, how can I recognize I'm on a road to the cliff? Because if I can recognize it earlier, I can exit that road. This is actually a big thing I talk about in our rage course called the Road to Reactivity. We focus so much on the endpoint because we think we're not supposed to feel angry, that we don't actually befriend our anger earlier and listen to it when it's at lower levels and can be much more easily managed.

[A]

And if you're listening to it at lower levels, what does that look like?

[B]

So it might sound like resentment at lower levels.

[A]

Ah, okay.

[B]

I told my partner to be home earlier, and instead I'm doing dinner and bath time alone. Or it might look like a voice. This we could really talk about, but especially for women we've been taught to ignore that says, I really want to go out to dinner with my friends about our kids. I want to work out. And then we tend to suppress it. Oh, no, I can't do that. I have this. I have this. If anger is the Feeling that most puts us in touch with what we need and aren't getting that voice of, I really want to work out this week. Speak one time is actually an early sign of anger. And if we don't listen to is like a toddler. If you don't listen to an annoying toddler, they're gonna escalate and escalate, and one day they are gonna scream so loud at a totally inopportune moment, like, why is chicken for dinner again? But it actually has nothing to do really with that moment. That moment was just the time when your anger bucket was completely filled and you had no more space. And so we have to listen earlier and start to meet our own needs earlier. It comes back revolutionary thought.

[A]

Right? But it's like if you're talking to yourself, if you're understanding your own needs, you're getting there earlier a hundred percent. Yeah.

[B]

Now, so many of us women, this is really important because this is where the empathy piece comes in. One of the ways we really learned we were valuable as kids, what our role was, and therefore how to adapt and survive, was to distance ourselves as much as possible from anything we might need internally and instead become complete experts at our external environment and notice what everyone around us needs. So what I always tell moms especially is, okay, I know we're gonna work on this rage or reactivity thing. We're totally gonna make progress on that. It actually starts by understanding why ignoring your anger was actually really adaptive. We have to thank an internal process. It must have been adaptive for 18 years of your life for you to distance yourself from anything you might need for yourself. That's actually, I think, what it means. I'm gonna be a good girl. I don't like such a. Oh, she's such a good girl. I really think it means she has become expert at completely ignoring anything she might want for herself and instead becoming completely attuned to what everyone wants from her. I gaze out exclusively. And gazing in was associated with danger. Well, fast forward to being a mom. We don't just reverse processes immediately that used to be adaptive and were put in place for our survival. So actually, understanding that from a place of almost gratitude for the past is actually the first step to making a productive change.

[A]

I mean, it is so. I feel like this will be making so much sense to so many women. I have so many friends that I think live in service of their families. Right. That's all they do because it's everybody else before them. And then they wonder why they're miserable. And I'm like, look at how you live. Look at what you do. So how do you. If somebody is there right now, how do they reverse that? I have a friend who once said to me, a very wise woman, she said, emma, you're only ever as happy as your most unhappy child. And I know that feeling of carrying the emotions of my own kids, like, around like they're mine. And that is why I feel like so many mothers end up in this position of, like, it's everybody else, but it isn't me. So how do you get out of that if that is where you are?

[B]

So, look, I don't want to. I don't want to distill this down to something overly simple, because I think it doesn't do justice to, you know, a little bit of a longer process. Right. And I'm all for practical, at least first steps, even if it's not final steps.

[A]

Oh, thank you.

[B]

Okay. So one of my good friends, my co founder, she. She says this about me. She goes, becky, you underestimate, like, how powerful your relationship is with your own calendar in, like, your mental health. And it's something I've learned from you, and women need to learn. My calendar is everything. Now, that doesn't mean what people think it means. If you think about a calendar and a mom's calendar, how many of them? I mean, soccer practice, the carpool, the school plays, all things that matter. But if a mom looks at her calendar right now, I want her to ask herself, what on my calendar is for me? And she'll say, oh, well, I'm making cupcakes. That's not for you, by the way. Great. That's not for you? What on your calendar is for me? Well, if you don't put things on your calendar concretely for you, you will go week after week, month after month, and you will become completely depleted. And my metaphor for this is it's like the part of you inside who's not all about caregiving, which there should be other parts of you who like to see your friends, who like to move, who like to do anything that lights you up. If that part of you doesn't get fed, then she's starving, and she will scream out to you for her own survival. So a very concrete first step, I would say, is you need to start somewhere. It could be this week, and you need to book something on your calendar and keep that appointment the way you would keep it. Your kids, school play, literally, it could be. And this is the other thing I want to say to so many people. They say But I don't even know what I want. I don't even know what I would enjoy for myself. We can't use that to stop us from trying something again. Emma, if your friend was starving and hadn't eaten food for a month and she was at a restaurant and said, I don't even know what I'd want on the menu, you'd say, order anything, by the way.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Then you'll know I like that I didn't like it. And you'll know more the next time.

[A]

Just.

[B]

But if you've been starving, the answer isn't to order nothing and wait to know what you want. The whole reason you're starving is because you've learned to distance yourself from what you want. So put to the side that you're supposed to know what would feel good. You could try a walk. You could call a friend who you know is good at self care and say, can you give me three things? I might hate all of them, but you seem to have a whole, you know, range of options. You lean on community. But do something, it's gonna feel awkward at first and unenjoyable because people need to know, anytime you do something new, it's going to feel awkward and uncomfortable. But that doesn't mean it's wrong, it just means it's new.

[A]

Just means you're out of practice. You are totally out of practice.

[B]

Your body's saying, I don't really know this. And you can say back to your body, of course you're reacting exactly the way you should. This is new. You're right.

[A]

Yeah. My goodness, that is like, like it's a huge thing to take in. The idea that you are not doing. So used to not doing anything for yourself that you don't even know what to do is why.

[B]

So, I mean, I can't even tell you. And this is so many powerless other things for women. I think about so Many of the 20 year olds, 32 I'd see in my private practice and they'd start telling me often about the guys they started dating, many of who sounded really unimpressive, frankly. Okay. And I'd be like, you're this like amazing woman. Okay? And they talk and they talk and okay, I think, you know, I think he likes me because of this. And I. The most terrifying question, I'd say, what do you like about him? What? Really? Which is a way of saying, can you gaze in? Do you know what you want? What matters to you? And it, and it really, like would bring on a panic attack almost. Because yes, women in general, we've become so good at gazing out that anything that involves gazing in feels panic inducing purely because it's so new.

[A]

God, you are so right about that. Like panic inducing, panic inducing.

[B]

Oh, I want most of us as women, we know we only know what we want after we don't get it. But not proactively.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I mean, definitely. Yes.

[B]

Then we feel angry. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. And wonder why we feel angry.

[B]

Right.

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

I want to skip into this idea around Mum Girl, which is something I talk about with my friends and with everybody all the time. It's something that I feel like I perhaps have a little bit of an unpopular opinion on in some ways. Dying to get your opinion as the expert right? Because again, I think that mum guilt comes down to this idea of wanting to be a really good parent and I feel like there is so much chat out there about work, life balance about this idea of trade offs. What we should be doing what we shouldn't be doing. What is your point of view and can you contextualize for the audience? Like again, because my point of view is if you don't know what mum guilt is, if you don't understand it intrinsically, if you haven't been able to contextualize that for yourself, you will never figure it out. So can you just speak a little bit about it and then I want to have some of your opinions on work life balance and what that actually means.

[B]

So I, I think we just misunderstand guilt. Mom guilt is one of my favorite topics because I think we don't understand guilt accurately. Guilt is a very important feeling. Guilt is a feeling we have when we act out of alignment with our values.

[A]

Oh, that's so such a love sentence. When you act out of alignment with your values mean you're doing something that doesn't align with the things that are important to you and your family.

[B]

When your behavior out here doesn't match your values inside, you feel guilt and that, and you should feel guilt because it allows you to say, oh, I'm acting out of alignment with my values. Thank you, body for giving me such a powerful feeling that I can reflect on it. Okay, now it does require you to know what your values are, but isn't.

[A]

That the starting point?

[B]

100% with anything?

[A]

Am I, am I out of a line with my values or am I just doing shit that I want to do that I need to do that I think is important?

[B]

That's right.

[A]

So back a little bit.

[B]

So for example, if I no showed to, to your podcast and I was like, yeah, I'm not, I'm not just in the mood. It's like, or something happened, I'd feel guilty because I'd be like, it is not in my value system to no show. Okay, Helpful. I'd say, well, why did that happen? It would make me reflect and hopefully bring my behavior the next time back in alignment with our values. That's what guilt is. Whenever we talk about mom guilt, it's so interesting when I ask for examples from people. Well, tell me, tell me the last time I had mom guilt. They'll say something like this, okay, well look, I'm home with my kids a lot, you know, and there's a night my friends are having dinner and I really want to go to this birthday dinner and my husband or my wife or my babysitter, my mother in law, whoever it is, is going to be home with my kids. And then my kids, when they see me Getting ready. What? I want you to put me down tonight. And. And you know, Dr. Becky, I feel too guilty. I wouldn't even enjoy myself.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Or here's what matters to me as a mom. I know, like I'm a full time working mom. I love my career, I love my kids. There are always moments that one feels out of balance. But I want to try to do both. Okay? Those are my values. So then let's say that first example, I say to that woman, okay, Is it within your value system to once in a while during your motherhood years have dinner with your friends? And it's so interesting. Everyone's like, yeah, yeah, that is okay. So I said, so this is interesting because right now when you go to dinner, you are acting in alignment with your values. So what's going on? And this happened. And I don't think this is guilt. So here's what I think is happening. Going back to so many of the themes we've talked about. As women, we have been conditioned to look at other people's uncomfortable feelings and kind of take them into our body, metabolize them, and then we call that guilt. That is not guilt. That is the process of taking what is in someone else's body. That is their feeling state and taking on not from a place of care. You're taking responsibility from for feelings instead of caring about feelings. This is so important for every human to know. Caring about feelings is completely different than taking responsibility for feelings.

[A]

First of all, I mean, this applies to so many things and not just guilt, right?

[B]

So many things.

[A]

We as women are conditioned to absorbing everybody's feelings all over the place, all over the time, and then taking them in and thinking that they're us.

[B]

That's right. And it's. And it does a disservice to everyone, including your relationship. So let's go through this visual because I find it the most helpful thing for kind of quote, mom guilt, which we now know is just not guilt at all. So let's say I'm the mom going out to dinner. I'm on one side of a tennis court. So I'm on a tennis court at the baseline. And my kid, who's upset that in my family Dad's putting her to bed, is on the other side. Okay? Now on my side of the tennis court and my decisions, my values, I know I'm around a lot. That feels good. I also know I want to go out to dinner sometimes or go on my work trip. That's my side of the court. On my kids side are My kids feelings. My kids feelings when I go out to dinner are upset, sad. It's so powerful to almost watch how the sad feelings seem to come out of my child's body on their side of the tennis court and come over to my side. And what I encourage moms to do, and this is important, is actually like put their hands up and to give the feeling back to its rightful owner. That feeling isn't yours. And something really interesting happens when you take it. You then don't actually empathize with your kid's feelings at all. Because to empathize with someone's feelings, you have to have a boundary and you have to know whose feelings they are. I actually have to give the feelings back to my daughter in order for me to say, you wish I wasn't going out to dinner now, by the way, Emma, I'm still going out to dinner. I can hold that moment multiplicity. But as long as I take the feelings into my body and call it guilt, I'm going to say weird things to my daughter. Like, don't you want me to have friends? Like what? My 8 year old? Are you really asking me that question? It's like, right. Can you imagine asking your employee that? Like, don't you want me to what? Like what an. That's a terrifying experience. Or I don't go to dinner and I tell myself it's because I empathize. You did not empathize because you did not help your kid feel safe with that feeling. You just took on the feeling and now you're trying to placate that feeling, not because of your kid, but because you took it onto your own body. It's actually almost like a selfish endeavor.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And so that is not mom guilt. So I think the whole reframe involves. We have to know what our own values are. And that might not be the same as someone else in our neighborhood. Right. And then we have to really say, this uncomfortable feeling I'm experiencing, is it because I'm acting out of alignment with my values? Or if I'm acting in alignment with my values, am I doing that thing where I'm taking someone else's feeling?

[A]

Yeah. So talk to me about this part then, because what you say is so true. But there is this other side of things, right. Where if I look at like this week, I'm here, I'm in New York, I have not put my kids to bed, I have not taken them to school, I am not doing things that would ordinarily be aligned with my values. And so we Come back to this idea of like work life and this idea of balance, whatever that might be. So what do you say when the feeling is real, when you've been traveling, when you've been putting in the hours, when you're having a moment that requires you to be all in on that thing that isn't your family and you do feel guilt and the guilt is real.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Then what?

[B]

So you may say, okay, so for this week, like if I have multiple burners, right. Of my stove, my burner of work is really high. My burner of family connection or presence is lower than I want it to be. That's what you're kind of saying.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So number one, I would say to anyone, how any given week goes is information and doesn't define who you are. This is another core thing that we talk about at Good inside separating behavior from identity. We also struggle with this. I'm a horrible mom. I'm never with my kids. Maybe I just had a work trip for a week now. Maybe that does give me good information. And if that's me in your shoes and I'm feeling like a little disconnected, I might look at my calendar again. I live by my calendar and say, okay, let me look at the next couple weeks. Okay, you know what? I was invited to this dinner. I'm actually not gonna go because I. No, I'm gonna cancel it. Even now that I'm realizing it, I'm just gonna rscp. No. And you know what? I'm gonna move that meeting a little bit later because I know I wanna drop off my kid one day. And so now I'm going to use the information of the guilt not to tell myself I'm a story of that I'm a horrible parent that actually just keeps me frozen. But it's actually good information to make different decisions going forward.

[A]

And that's the trade off. That is exactly what I'm talking about. Because my life is a series of me saying I have to be all in here and therefore I'm going to take a backseat here. But in order to make that feel a little bit better for me, I'm not going to do this other thing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And the point is I don't always get what I want. I'm kind of fine with that. That's part of what it is. But again, this mythical balance that everybody feels is potentially out there for women is just a big fat lie. What it is is a constant series of trade offs. A constant conversation and learning and knowing for yourself. And also sometimes things change. Sometimes I am all in one place and other times I'm all in the other place. And you have to feel comfortable with that. But you can't measure yourself by what everybody else is doing and by what everybody else might be feeling.

[B]

And you can't measure yourself by a single day or a single week. We really lose the bigger picture of what it means to be in a relationship with anyone if the truth feels like a day versus and you're talking about a series of trade off. But I also think you're really talking about a much longer time horizon. Yes. Not judging yourself by, by each zoomed in moment. Right.

[A]

And that is a really, really important thing.

[B]

And the other thing I'll say that I think is so important, especially for working moms, is make space for your kids to be upset again. As soon as you become kind of less scared of that, you're gone for a week. As soon as you can say, I know it's a long time. Yeah. And you're gonna, but this week you're missing my. I know. And look, next month, just so you know, I, I, I'm not, I'm gonna be there for this play. And, and I get that you're upset about it. I get it. You and I are gonna get through it. You're allowed to feel that way. Right. That is such an important pie for so many kids. It's not just a difficult moment or not having a parent there that actually bothers them. It's not having a parent understand that they were upset by that that really bothers them.

[A]

And again, back to what you said in the beginning. They want to feel seen. They wanna feel understood. They wanna know that you care about their feelings. And if you show that care and you understand and you make a different plan. Like that is okay.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Like that is okay.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I, I wanted to understand what you do when you feel stretched too thin and when you feel like you're in a bit of a spiral. What are the, what is the reset.

[B]

That you do after I, you know, spiral and wake myself up at 2am telling myself I'm a horrible parent after that's happened?

[A]

That's once.

[B]

Yeah. I think there's a couple things I do. I always find it helpful to, to talk to like a handful of people in my life who I know I can just kind of vomit it to and they'll just be a container. Like I just have to always get it out. I find that to always be helpful for me. Like I never.

[A]

You can't underestimate that.

[B]

Right.

[A]

The power of Releasing yourself from it. Like saying the thing, talking to someone. Like for me, I always write everything down because like all of my good friends are on a very different time zone to me. So I can't always call them. But sometimes just getting it on paper, I'm like, like, okay, it's out of my system now.

[B]

Yes, I think that's exactly right. In general, how we feel about something has to do with a feeling and how alone we feel in it. And we can't change a feeling. We can't kind of change the hard, but we can change the alone. And so I always try to like remove the aloneness as step one, step two, I think I do try to ask myself, okay, like, what is the thing that's out of alignment? Oh, I, I work. Really? I worked later than I wanted to. I missed too many bedtimes. I, I should say that. But I do think looking ahead in your calendar and thinking about the overall life you want rather than the specific day you want is really helpful. So I do generally have a rule. Like I generally go out with my husband, often friends, on a Saturday night, and I will at most go out one week. Now I'm not trying to put that out there. Like everyone should do that. That's what, that's your rule.

[A]

That's how you feel. Good.

[B]

And so what's interesting is someone says like, like some awesome work event on a Wednesday night. And I'll look at my Wednesday night and my calendar will say it's free. But I don't do that before I say yes. I look at my week, I say, oh, I'm out on Tuesday night. And so I'll say, oh, I'm not able to make it technically. And this is again the difference between gazing out and gazing in. My calendar tells me I'm free, but my calendar isn't the boss of me. I'm the boss of me. And I know that if I do that, I'll feel awful. I don't wanna do that. I'll be exhausted. My kids behavior will get worse. Cause I just know like, it's only one night that feels like you're in the balance.

[A]

But you have to make those rules for yourself. And my big trick is then communicating that to everyone around me. Because let me tell you, when the, when the invite comes in, my assistant, they already know that I'm gonna say no.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Because they know my boundaries. They know that for me it's probably three nights a week that I go out.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But that's my lot. Like there isn't a fool because I prefer to be more home than I am out. So it's already like, no, sorry, she can't come. So it takes away all the questioning bits that sometimes there is a problem communicating for ourselves. Right.

[B]

I think that's right. Because again, it goes back to this idea of saying no to others. Right. It's so powerful to just twist that and saying, if I have trouble saying no to others, that's not my problem. My trouble is saying yes to myself. That's what it is. And how do you say yes to yourself? Well, you have to know what you want.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And then it becomes less about disappointing others. So many of us have gotten so accustomed to disappointing ourselves, and all the time we need to put ourselves back as the protagonist. So it changes it. Most of the things I hear from people, oh, I can't say no, they're gonna be upset. If you think about who the subject is in that book, it's the other person.

[A]

It's the other person.

[B]

You're gonna be upset.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You matter.

[A]

So why would that person come before you? Exactly. But I think there's so much of this. Again, you talk about it in the sense of having an alignment with yourself, having these principles. I think about it in terms of, like, I have a plan. I'm a big planner. And at the beginning of the year, I'm like, I want these trips, I want this vacations, I want these moments to happen. I have to do da, da, da, da da. But I also plan for my family and what I want there. And so when it's set out and it's set in stone, and then you have to start subtracting from that, you feel that deeply. You're like, but that wasn't what I wanted to do.

[B]

That's exactly right. And I just want to share, just because it's so concrete and anyone can use it. Okay. It's kind of a line that really helps. Say no, especially in an email when you're like, oh, I know, I don't wanna go. That I find so helpful is just some version of I promise myself. Thanks so much for including me. I promised myself I wouldn't go out more than one week night. And so, unfortunately, I'm not able to make it. And the reason it's so helpful is the reason most people get upset when you say no is they think it's a reflection of how you feel about them. And then the reason they say, why can't you come? No offense. It's usually not about you. They feel insecure and they're just trying to undo that feeling. And so when you state something where someone can really, my language is always locate you. Right. And I'm sure you too, you know, when you're with someone you can locate, that feels so sturdy. They know who they are, they know their values. So when you say to someone, I promised myself I wouldn't add more meetings to my calendar this month, they don't protest. I generally get the same response back to that email every time. Wow, thank you for telling me that. I love the way you said that. It's like bringing me closer to someone.

[A]

Dr. Becky, that might be the best thing that you said because also, it's a reminder to you. Right. I promised myself. You know, it's like you wrote it down. It's there.

[B]

And like, I hope I can say this on podcast. Only a real asshole wants you to break a promise with yourself. Like, if someone breaks back, really, you're.

[A]

Like, wow, you should come. No, I don't want to come now. Exactly. Exactly. That is amazing. Give me. What do you think is one mindset shift that all mothers could benefit from? When you start to think about what would make our life easier, what's the one thing we can do?

[B]

I have two. Okay, so the first one is just. Just. Kids don't need selfless martyrs. Kids need sturdy leaders. And I just think this whole selfless martyrdom, like, that's just not what our. We want our kids to say. Like, my 20 year old kid, oh, my mom loved me so much she ran herself into the ground. No, my mom showed me she'd be.

[A]

Like shit my whole childhood, but she was always there, full of resentment and hated us.

[B]

I smelled the resentment on her body. No, like, I want my kids to say, my mom really showed me what it was like to take care of other people and take care of yourself at the same time. And now that is something that has been modeled for me. So I know it's possible. That's what I want, right?

[A]

I mean, yeah. I want to, like, stop you and rewind you, like, immediately in this moment. Yes. I think that that is what all of us want. That is what all of us want. We want to teach our kids and model for our kids how they should treat themselves. And if you're not treating yourself well, how can you expect that? I don't think any parent on the planet would say, I want to show my kid what it is to put yourself last, to constantly walk around feeling like shit, to live in a guilt spiral.

[B]

No one wants to.

[A]

So why Would we show up that way?

[B]

I think that's right. I think we have to stop calling that love and parenting. Right? And then the other side of it, given that this feels so new, is I always say to moms, the most powerful, the best leaders I know take so much pride in education, right? I think about investors going in to a startup meeting with CEO who says, I just do this by instinct. I'm never gonna get a coach. I just, this comes naturally. I mean, is there a faster way to end a meeting than that? You want a leader who is open to learning and who knows learning. Real resources, real education, that's a sign of strength that you're right. And so I just think, anyone listening, they think, okay, this makes sense. But like how, how would I actually put this into practice to know there are resources out there? And as a mom, if it's not natural to stay calm in a tantrum or know what to do when your kid's clinging to you, join the club. The idea that this should all come naturally has held us back so much from feeling more empowered.

[A]

January can be so busy. From super long work days to podcast filming to running around with my kids. And for me, when life feels so full like that, I really value coming home to a space that helps me feel grounded and relaxed. Lately I' I've been turning to Macy's for those simple no pressure upgrades that make a real difference. I've been leaning into self care that actually feels doable, like adding a little cozy throw to the couch that instantly makes my space feel more inviting. I've been swapping a little candle for a diffuser so my home just feels the calm the second I walk in. Or reaching for a good American sweater that I can just lounge in and still feel totally put together. I found that even small changes like that can really shift how I feel day to day. Not about doing more, it's about choosing things that support how I actually live. Those little moments of intention help me reset, especially during busy seasons. Nothing complicated, nothing over the top, just thoughtful upgrades that make everyday life feel so much better. These small rituals from Macy's make winter feel a little lighter and honestly worth celebrating. So if you're looking to reset your space or your routine in a way that feels simple and accessible, Macy's makes easier it it easy. January is that moment every year when we all stop and reflect what worked, what didn't, and who do we want to become next? And if you've been carrying around an idea you keep putting off, this is your reminder that 2026 is your year. No more waiting, no more maybe someday. This is the moment to turn that energy into action. I use Shopify because it's the platform that supported me at every stage of building a business. We run skims and Good American on Shopify and it's the same platform powering brands at every level, from ideas that are just started to names that everyone recognizes. What stands out to me is how intuitive it is. I can oversee online sales, pop ups, social channels and global orders without things feeling complicated or fragmented. It just works. And that simplicity matters when you're scaling and you don't need a huge team or a design background to get started. Shopify gives you beautiful templates and tools that let your brand actually feel like you. Plus, with Shopify Magic and its AI features helping product descriptions plan content and track what's trending, it's like having a team in your back pocket. So ask yourself, how different could this year look if you just started now? This is your sign. Start your entrepreneurial journey now with Shopify.com aspire. I have an 11 year old and 9 year old and 23 year olds and you just think you got it down. And then you know, my son just started middle school and I'm like, what is happening now? I didn't read those books. I haven't got there. But I, you know, it's like I have a therapist and I talk to her specifically about my children and that really helps me because I'm in constant learning for the time that they're having in their life. And I read everything and I try to absorb everything. So what do parents do to stay on top of their learning? As it.

[B]

Again, there's a fine line. This is not to say I don't recommend making any decision until you've consulted someone. No, those are two extreme. But if, if you're hearing this and if you're thinking, I do want to stay calmer with my kid. Right. Or I'm not really sure what to do when my kid is in a hitting stage or they're lying. There are just so many resources at different price points. There are books. Books are a great place to start. Ask a friend for a recommendation, Right? Start a couple pages and see if it resonates with you. Which again, Emma's important. Check in.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Does this make sense to me? Does this feel maybe a little uncomfortable because it's new, but not the uncomfortable like my heart saying this is wrong.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So that's one thing. People have therapists, people have parenting coaches. The whole Reason we started good Inside membership. Our app is because I wanted parents to have in their pocket what I was giving people in private practice. Absolutely. And so our app is, you know, it's less than a copay a month. And no matter what you're going through, we can help you. We have live coaching sessions, and if this doesn't resonate with you, there could be other creators that have that too.

[A]

Will you talk to me a little bit about your philosophy? How do you think about again, I'm so impressed that you've built an entire business around this. How do people get involved? How do they use it? What do you see as the practical implications of the work that you're doing? And how are people taking that into their families and really using the information?

[B]

Yeah. So I think this started as kind of ideas and it turned into a book. And the reason it became a bigger business, which probably is our app and our membership, which I think the thing I'm proudest of there is our members come from 110 countries. Wow. It's so international, it's so global.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

It's amazing. And like, we have a. It's amazing. We have a black parents room. We have a parents of neurodivergent kids. Deeply. Just so many micro communities within that community is. I thought it was a couple years ago, honestly, I just thought. And you know this. Every part of my life is digitized. I can deposit my check from my phone. I can do so much. And some of that isn't great because. Because it's, you know, almost overly convenient. But parenting is the hardest job in the world.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I know for me, even after I wrote my book, which might sound funny, I just thought when I'm in a hard moment with my kid, in the moment, I'm not opening up a chapter of a book. I don't know about you, I'm just like, it's not happening. So I was like, why is it that there can be amazing apps for working out, for giving me a quick tip about something. I wanna know about my food. But when it comes to managing a tantrum, knowing how to repair after I yelled, handling a sibling argument, handling a sleep issue in the middle of the night, it's like we put our hands up, be like, meh, I don't know. I guess we'll just get why. This is our kid's mental health. This is the world that we're gonna, you know, create. And so I just thought, what if I took everything I know but made it accessible? Right. There's yes. There's like an amazing chatbot in it. There's different programs you can go through. We have live coaching sessions with our coaches every day. Like, why can't that just be more accessible? And when I turned my head kind of wondering, well, who's doing this? And I realized nobody was doing this, I said, you know what? At good inside, that's what we're gonna do. Because we just feel like parents deserve.

[A]

It, that they really deserve it. Yeah, they really deserve it. And as you've been building this business because again, European, incredibly successful. You do have a bestselling book, you have an incredible podcast, you have this app that I'm now understand is in 110 countries.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All of this takes a lot. So what is your own journey with the idea of work, life, balance? And I know, I understand it's like you have this calendar, but how do you, how do you feel every day as you're doing everything that you're doing?

[B]

So I, I do want to say I feel different things on different days. So I'll give you a couple, you know, tastes of that. So first of all, I am just a natural morning person. And I want to say that because I know there's like morality around people who are morning people and we can like, I want to.

[A]

So I'm not judging you.

[B]

You're good.

[A]

You're all good over here.

[B]

It makes my world go round. I. I naturally get up in the fives, which allows me to work out some days, catch up on emails. It's when I do my best writing. Some mornings I wake up with a new idea and I just have to get my coffee in my computer and kind of of just get it out of me, you know, and that's when my house, I feel like the world is quiet from 5:30 to 7. Then what I try to do is like put my phone away, right, and have. It's really only like 25 minutes with my kids, who are 8, 11 and 14, basically before they get on the bus to school. And so to me, that is so important as a working parent, if you are with your kids in the morning, for me, I can just tell you it's been successful. My phone has to be behind two doors. It's not one door. If it's one door, I am like a bead of honey. I don't know, I just hear a ding. It feels like it's so important. Two doors not there. Because really, when we're not near our phone, what we're saying to our kids during that moment Is there is nothing more important than you someone having your full attention is the ultimate connection builder.

[A]

Oh, yes.

[B]

And connection is the foundation of everything we want. Resilience, cooperation. Right. Why isn't our kid listening to anything we say? Well, there could be a million reasons, but one of them is, is I don't listen to people when I don't feel connected to them. Right. So connection is really at the core. Then I think throughout my day, the different feelings I have, or depending on the week is, you know, some balance of, okay, right now I'm doing exactly what I want to do. Right now I'm doing nothing I want to do. And there definitely are some nights when I feel like I'm drinking from a fire hose. But I try to remind myself they're often in times of transition. Okay, school just started. Okay, we're coming back from a vacation. And I think one of the things I've learned to do better and better over the years is just make sure I have the right support. We recently hired a new president at Good Inside that allows me to have. Yeah. And a lot more time to do the things that really light me up for work. Not as much of the things that, frankly, I'm not as good at and don't light me up. And then it just gives me time back. And the time I am at work feels so much more fulfilling because a bigger percentage of it, I'm doing the stuff that really, really matters to me.

[A]

Forget about what it's doing for your business because your business is also going to grow and you're going to feel great about that too.

[B]

That's exactly right. And then I do think scheduling time with each of my kids, I really do put it like on my calendar.

[A]

Same. I mean, when you have. Listen, when you've got more than one kid, I think you have to put it on your calendar. There is no other way. It sounds ridiculous, but for me, it's like I have to put. Put individual time in with each of them because otherwise it would never happen.

[B]

And then just saying I'm not able to make that work. But, you know, oh, can you meet that? I'm not able to make that work. How about these times? People adjust accordingly. They really do. Whatever we fear is so much bigger than the reality of the moment. And so I'd encourage people to just experiment a little bit with that. And this makes it seem like I have all together. And then other moments, you know, I've said to my husband, I used to have a good life. You know, before all this, I Used.

[A]

To have a good life, you know.

[B]

And just allowing that to feel true and to feel light at the same time.

[A]

Am. It's so true. I was going to ask you, actually, despite all of your experience and your expertise, what is the one thing that you still struggle with?

[B]

I, I, I mean, a bunch of things, I think. First of all, for everyone to know, anyone who talks a lot about a topic, people think that means they're expert at a topic. I think it, it's always people who are just trying to work through their own problems in public. That's what. So I talk a lot about sitting with feelings, sitting with discomfort. That's hard for me in my own personal life. I'm quick to action, and it makes me look very productive, which can be a good thing. But our strengths can always be our weaknesses. It's hard for me to sit with uncertainty. It's hard for me to sit with hard moments when there's actually not really a solution, just a situation. We kind of have to wait and see. That's very, very hard for me. And so that's something I'm definitely always working on.

[A]

And there are just some situations that just, like, wait and see. I don't have an answer for that right this second.

[B]

There are, and I think I've learned. It's funny, this actually caught fire on Instagram. But often the most powerful parenting strategy is doing nothing, is waiting and seeing. Literally, my kid says, I hate you. You know what? In this moment, I'm just gonna, Let me just wait 10 seconds. So interesting. You wait 10 seconds. How often a kid will say, that's not what I meant, or I'm sorry, or can I try that again? Because I didn't just react right away. So doing nothing and waiting, personally, and sometimes even in parenting, yeah, those are things I'm working on.

[A]

I mean, I think the reason that could fire in the best possible ways was because it's so counterintuitive, but, like, busy, incredible working moms to just go, I got nothing.

[B]

I'm just gonna wait and see. Wait and see.

[A]

But it is powerful, and sometimes you do just need to wait and see. I go back to, like, my son who's starting middle school. I'm like, you're just gonna have to go through, like, the next couple of weeks, and we'll just wait and see. Like, I don't have any good, good advice right now.

[B]

And I think also, the more, you know, if you're someone who really likes to be productive, it's a really good flag for your parenting yes. Because so much of parenting, let's say your son's starting middle school. Like a lot of kids who start middle school, their friendship group shifts a little bit. You're like, are they being left out.

[A]

Or their teen shifts? You know, everything changes and no one likes change.

[B]

That's right. And, and probably the best thing for a kid in those situations is to be present. Right. You want to hear them out or notice. But it's probably not calling that other parent and getting them invited to something they were left out of. It's not clamping down right away. Because when we do that in the name of us feeling productive, we get in our kids way of kind of figuring things out.

[A]

You are so right. Okay, I'm going to move to some rapid fire.

[B]

Oh, love it.

[A]

What's the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning?

[B]

First thing I do when I wake up in the morning is make coffee. Coffee.

[A]

And the last thing you do before you go to bed at night?

[B]

Kiss my husband.

[A]

What's the first thought that runs through your head when mum guilt sets in?

[B]

That I wonder if this person is really feeling guilt or if they're just taking responsibility for someone's uncomfortable emotions.

[A]

What's a mantra or a phrase that helps you reset?

[B]

This feels hard because it is hard. Not because I'm doing something wrong. Wrong.

[A]

What's a book that changed your life?

[B]

Internal Family Systems by Dick Schwartz.

[A]

That's a great one.

[B]

Best.

[A]

It's such a good book.

[B]

Everything by him.

[A]

Yeah, that's a. I'm so glad that you said that because that's a really important book for all parents to read.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Something that you used to feel guilty about in your 30s that you've let go of now.

[B]

Saying no to other people in the name of saying yes to myself.

[A]

What is something that used to really matter to you when you were starting out in business or as a parent that no longer matters?

[B]

Probably doing things that the elusive should told me to do as opposed to doing things that really come from gazing in and kind of coming from my own value system.

[A]

No. That feels absolutely about right. Amazing. Dr. Becky, thank you so much. So happy to have you today. If you're loving this podcast, be sure to click follow on your favorite listening platform. While you're there, give us a review and a five star rating and share an episode you loved with a friend. We'll be so grateful. Aspire with Emma Greed is presented by Audacy. I'm your host, Emma Greed. Our executive producers are career Gilead Fisher. Derek Brown and me. Our executive producers from Audacy are Maddy Sprung Keyser, Leah Rees, Dennis, Asha Saluja, Lauren Legrosso and Jenna Weiss Berman. Stephen Key is our senior producer. Sound design and engineering by Bill Schultz. Angela Peluso is our booker. Original music by Charles Black Video production by Evan Cox, Kirk Courtney, Andrew Steele, Carlos Delgado and Arnie Agassi. Social media by Olivia Homan Special thanks to Brittany Smith, Sydney Ford, my teams at the lead company and WME Maura Curran, Josephina Francis, Hilary Schuff, Eric Donnelly, Kate Hutchinson, Rose, Tim Meekol, Sean Cherry and Lauren Vieira. If you have questions for me, you can DM me at Aspire with Emma Greed Greed is spelled G R E D A. That's Aspire A S P I R E with Emma Greed. Or you can submit a question to me on my website, emmagreed Me.

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