Shortcut: 10 Red Flags You're Living With a Dangerous Man

Summary

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Australian True Crime:

Shortcut – 10 Red Flags You're Living With a Dangerous Man
Date: July 16, 2026
Host: Meshel Laurie
Guests: Producers Matthew Tankard, Ruby Bartzis, and interview with Belinda Bates

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Episode Overview

This episode focuses on identifying the early warning signs (or "red flags") that someone may be living with a dangerous or abusive partner. Using the "10 Red Flags" framework, authored by former prisoner and advocate Pete Bates, the discussion aims to give practical, clear signals that could help people recognize coercive and high-control behaviors before abuse escalates.

Alongside expert commentary, Meshel Laurie discusses Pete's journey—from his conviction and time in prison for a violent crime, through rehabilitation, to activism with his wife Belinda Bates, who also shares her perspective on surviving coercive control.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introduction to Pete & Belinda Bates

• Pete Bates was convicted of murder at age 19, served time, overcame addiction, and met Belinda, then a prison guard.
• Pete and Belinda now advocate for domestic violence awareness, focusing on identifying signs before physical abuse begins.
• Their resource, "10 Red Flags You're Living With a Dangerous Man," is available for free at petebatesproject.com.

2. 10 Red Flags: Living With a Dangerous Man

The hosts and guests move through each red flag, drawing on Pete and Belinda’s experiences and the broader realities in Australia, where at least one woman is killed weekly by an (ex-)partner.

Red Flag 1: Normal Things Now Feel Dangerous ([01:36])

"The basic needs now require his approval. Eating, resting, speaking, leaving the house, seeing people—these are the basic needs that don’t feel simple anymore." – Ruby Bartzis

• Examples include having to justify everyday activities, feeling stress about routine tasks.
• Anecdote: Pete’s father would surveil his mother's odometer to check if she visited places he didn’t approve of.

Red Flag 2: You Shrink to Stay Safe ([03:09])

"Your voice gets smaller. You speak less... it's because your body already knows the cost of setting him off." – Ruby Bartzis

• Victims begin to silence themselves or change behaviors to avoid provoking anger.

Red Flag 3: The Rules Change Daily ([03:31])

• What was allowed yesterday is punished today, creating confusion and instability.

Red Flag 4: Silence is Weaponized ([03:37])

"He does not need to yell to punish you." – Ruby Bartzis

• Emotional withdrawal or silent treatment is used as a form of punishment.

Red Flag 5: You Are Isolated, Quietly ([03:50])

"It does not always begin with 'you can't see them.' It begins with tension, guilt, consequences, discomfort—the sense that having your own people is somehow a problem." – Ruby Bartzis

• The slow cutting off of support networks, often through subtle discouragement, not outright bans.

Red Flag 6: You Are Monitored ([04:17])

• Phone checks, location demands, intrusive questioning about movements or associates.

Red Flag 7: He Rewrites Reality (Gaslighting) ([04:28])

"Minimizes, blames, reframes... Doubting your memory, your tone, your intent, your sanity." – Ruby Bartzis

• Manipulation tactics that make partners question their own perceptions and memories.

Red Flag 8: His Protection Feels Like Control ([04:42])

"I trust you, I'm just making sure everyone else is behaving." – Meshel Laurie (on the excuse abusers use)

• Disguising controlling behavior as concern for safety or "chivalry."
• Example: Demanding access to social media accounts "for your own good."

Red Flag 9: There Are Two Different Men ([05:09])

"In public, calm... charming. In private, he's cold, punishing, entitled, frightening." – Ruby Bartzis

• Abusers are often charming and beloved publicly, but cruel and controlling in private.
• This duality can make it hard for victims to seek help, as others may not believe them.

Red Flag 10: The Body Is Already On Alert ([05:58])

"Your body knows... tight chest, nausea, insomnia, flinching at footsteps, silence, mood shifts..." – Ruby Bartzis

• Victims’ bodies exhibit stress responses before they may consciously recognize danger.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “You shrink to stay safe.” ([03:09], Ruby Bartzis): Highlights how self-preservation manifests in daily silencing.
• “He does not need to yell to punish you.” ([03:41], Ruby Bartzis): Points to the power of emotional abuse.
• “Don’t assume that he can't, that he’s not a murderer. Don’t assume that under an amount of pressure... any woman could be next week’s victim.” ([12:19], Meshel Laurie): Emphasizes the unpredictable escalation of violence and the need for vigilance.
• “My heart just aches for them and their children.” ([13:52], Belinda Bates): Centering the impact of these behaviors on families and the urgency of intervention.

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Belinda’s Perspective: Life After Prison & Advocacy ([07:19] onward)

• Belinda recounts meeting Pete in prison (she as a guard, he as a mentor prisoner in recovery); chemistry grew over time, but real relationship started after she left corrections.
• They carefully navigated moving their relationship into “the real world,” cognizant of the risks and changes such a transition brings.
• Today, both support women in recognizing and escaping coercive control. Belinda shares:

"With a lot of domestic violence, people can see the bruises. But this coercive control, which I have lived myself, is not seen… just finding the pattern and the language that women can actually see, because a lot of them say, ‘Oh, no, it’s not me.’” ([11:16], Belinda Bates)

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Social Impact & Early Intervention

• The show underscores Australia’s alarming domestic homicide stats: "A woman a week ordinarily dies in Australia at the hands of a partner or previous partner." ([01:39], Meshel Laurie)
• Emphasizes the importance of not underestimating the potential for severe violence, even if the abuser seems "just an asshole" now ([12:19]).
• Belinda and Pete's advocacy helps women recognize coercive patterns before crisis.
• The Bates’ work is primarily distributed on social media and through downloadable digital books ([11:16]).

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:36 – Introduction of the “10 Red Flags”
• 03:09 – “You shrink to stay safe.”
• 04:17 – “You are monitored.”
• 05:09 – “There are two different men.”
• 05:58 – “The body is already on alert.”
• 07:19 – Interview with Belinda Bates begins
• 11:16 – Belinda on the nuances of coercive control and support work
• 12:19 – Conversation about the unpredictability of escalation in domestic violence

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Resources

• 10 Red Flags: You're Living With a Dangerous Man – Free PDF at petebatesproject.com
• If you need support:
  • Lifeline (13 11 14)
  • 1800-RESPECT (1800 737 732 or 1800respect.org.au)
  • 13 YARN (13 92 76 or 13yarn.org.au) – Support for Indigenous Australians

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Summary Tone & Language

Throughout the episode, hosts combine factual, compassionate, and personal tones, sharing both hard statistics and the lived, nuanced realities of survivors. Memorable quotes highlight the psychological, social, and physical signs of escalating abuse, making complex behavioral patterns tangible for listeners.

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This episode provides a practical toolkit for listeners—whether at risk themselves or supporting someone who may be—emphasizing that recognizing early, subtle warning signs can save lives.

Transcript

[A]

This is Australian True Crime with Michelle. Laurie and I have two special guests to help us kick off this week. Producers Matthew Tankard.

[B]

Hello.

[A]

And Ruby Bartzis. Hello, guys. We are here because we're sort of in betwixt and in between two guests who are related.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Last week we had Pete Bates on, and this week we have his missus, Belinda Bates. These two met. I'm gonna say they met at work, except one of them wasn't allowed to go home at the end of the day. And that's because the workplace was a pr. Yeah, Pete was a prisoner. He was serving time for murder. And Belinda was a guard, a prison guard. And she was there as part of a what, addiction unit.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Pete was a mentor because by that stage he had overcome addiction in prison. So it's a great story. He front foots it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, he is a guy who says, yes, I committed a murder at 19. It was the worst thing anyone could possibly do. And I feel sorry.

[B]

He was in a brawl, right?

[A]

Yes, he was in a brawl. Go back and let him explain to you what happened. And obviously we're not excusing it. He's not excusing it. But what he has chosen to do with his life now, he and his wife Belinda, is to advocate for people in domestic and family violence situations. Because Pete himself grew up in a very violent household. And one of the things he does is he writes these books, short books, short manuals that you can find on his website. They're either free or very, very cheap. This one caught our eye, and this one is free. I think it's incredibly valuable. It's 10 red flags. What's it called?

[C]

10 red flags. You're living with a dangerous man.

[A]

I mean, we in Australia have had a hideous couple of weeks in terms of violence, intimate partner violence against women. So what better time to talk about this? Because I always say, the first thing I always think of is, who's next week's victim? We know roughly, a woman a week ordinarily dies in Australia at the hands of a partner or previous partner. Who's next week's lady? Does she know she's at risk? Well, this is the kind of thing that maybe can help people understand when they're at risk and maybe avoid it. Avoid their risk. The first red flag, Ruby. Normal things now feel dangerous.

[C]

Yeah. So Pete writes this as, like, the basic needs now require his approval. So not Pete's approval.

[D]

The.

[A]

The man in your life.

[C]

The man in your life. And then it just breaks it down to, like, eating Resting, speaking, leaving the house, seeing people. These are the basic needs that don't feel simple anymore.

[B]

I remember Pete saying growing up that his dad would look at the. The odometer on the car, and so if his mum would go to the shops to go pick up some groceries, he would then look at it. Be like, did she add an extra K? Did she go elsewhere? Like that kind of surveillance.

[A]

Yeah. He knew how far away it was. And, I mean, God, these days with phones and. Yeah, you know, there's lots of ways to track a loved one. Normal things now feel dangerous. Do you feel like, oh, no, I'm gonna be late home, this is gonna be a drama. Or, oh, no, if he finds out my friend came over. Things like that. Yeah, you shrink to stay safe. What does that mean? That's flag number two.

[C]

Your voice gets smaller. You speak less, you change your tone. You stop bringing things up. And he says, this is not because you're naturally quiet, but it's because your body already knows the cost of setting him off.

[A]

Yeah. We get to another one of similar to that later on down the list, too, where he talks about subtle signs your body's giving you, which I think is really interesting. Flag number three. The rules change daily.

[C]

So, like, what was fine yesterday is now a big problem today.

[A]

Flag number four. Silence is weaponized.

[C]

So this one, they say, he does not need to yell to punish you.

[A]

Oh, God. It's so. It's making me feel. It's making me squirm in my seat. These. Yeah. Just thinking about them. Flag number five. You are isolated, quietly.

[C]

For this one. It does not always begin with you can't see them. It begins with tension, guilt, consequences, discomfort. The sense that having your own people is somehow a problem.

[A]

Yeah. Like your family is always a big one, isn't it?

[C]

Your world getting smaller.

[A]

You and your family, you do this and that. So you think, well, okay, I won't see my family. And then he can't accuse me of colluding with them or friends. We all know about the isolation. Yeah. Flag number six. You are monitored.

[C]

Yeah. This one, I feel like, is so predominant in so many times. But, like, phone checks, location demands. Who were you with? Why didn't you answer? Why are you late? Who is that?

[A]

Flag seven. He rewrites reality.

[C]

So he denies gaslighting, basically.

[E]

Right?

[C]

Yeah. Minimizes, blames, reframes.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Just like leaving conversations, doubting your memory, your tone, your intent, your sanity. All that kind of stuff is what Pete's put this down to.

[A]

Gaslighting. Flag number eight. His protection feels like control. I feel like this. Sharing Snapchat passwords could be part of that. Like, I'm just. Babe, I'm just.

[B]

Yeah, I'm taking care of you. I'm being a chivalrous, Making sure everyone else is.

[A]

I trust you. I'm just making sure everyone else is behaving.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

And that's pretty much what Pete's written here, is just that, control. His calls leave you concerned, makes you feel smaller, more managed, less free. Pretty much.

[A]

Flag number nine. There are two different men. Oh, I can relate to this one.

[C]

Hard. So just in public, calm. The fun guy, he's believable, helpful, charming. And then in private, he's cold, punishing, entitled, frightening. And I feel like you just never know what's happening on the inside of somebody's house. Somebody's relationship, especially with social media, all looks happy.

[A]

And I've heard this so many times that people will say their husband or their dad or whoever it was, was everyone else thought was a great guy. Yeah, he's the life of the party. He's funny. He's a. You know. And you're just sitting there thinking at this barbecue, thinking, ugh, yeah, if only you knew what it was like at home. And then when it comes to thinking, I want help, how do you ask? Because everyone thinks this guy's great.

[C]

And then nobody believes you.

[A]

Yeah, it's hard to get the message out when everyone thinks this guy's Great. Flag number 10. The last one on this list is the body is already on alert. Now, I mentioned this earlier. I find this fascinating. It's like that book, the Body Keeps the Score. You know, that idea that our psychology affects our bodies and sometimes it's so noisy, but we're not paying attention to it.

[C]

And everyone says, like, your body knows.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Your body rejects the bad things. So, like tight chest, nausea, insomnia, flinching at footsteps, silence, mood shifts, all that kind of stuff, they're all signs that your body's going, hey, wake up. Like, yeah, this isn't right.

[A]

Body's tense as well, and you sort of don't realize it, but things like heartburn and gurgling and things like that.

[C]

Yeah, it's reading the Danger.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So look, this is just one publication that Pete and Belinda put out. You can get it for free on the website petebatesproject.com and coming up in a second, we will hear from Belinda Bates, the other half of this dynamic duo that's coming up on Australian True Crime.

[E]

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[D]

yeah, well, obviously I was working in the jail. I was working in the drug intervention unit. What had happened is that they get mentors up from the village to help out with all the prisoners that are in there to help with an intervention of drugs and alcohol abuse. One of those mentors was Peter.

[A]

So the mentors are essentially. They're a peer group. Right. They're also prisoners. I'm assuming they would have had some experience with addiction themselves. Themselves. And they're in recovery and so they're invited in to help liaise with these guys who need to get into recovery.

[D]

That's correct. It just started off as just, you know, conversation about, you know, prisoners, and I do case notes on that draft and we just started to form, I wouldn't say like a friendship as such because it was, you know, frowned upon, but just, you know, we. We just clicked. Obviously, I was attracted to him.

[A]

Chemistry, you're talking. I think what you're talking about is chemistry.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, if you can say that. Yeah. I think we got to a point where it was kind of like, I kind of knew he felt the same way, so he left the unit just due to the complications, obviously, because of it. Because it was just, you know, it was never going to happen. You know, he still had like years and years to go and just moved on from it. I then left the year after corrections and decided to write to him. So that's when things started to happen. So, I mean, he still had like four and a half years to go. Yeah, like, you had to be there, I guess, but it's just. It's just something that you just wouldn't think would happen at a place like that.

[A]

Well, this is it. I've never. I mean, I've had very short visits to a couple of prisons, but realistically, I've never been inside a prison. Let's say most of us haven't. So to me it sounds like a sort of, in some ways a typical workplace romance, but in other ways, prison is such an unnatural environment. And I've met women before who in various ways, started relationships with men while they were in prison long term, and some of them have gotten married. And then when the man has been released, it's just changed everything. Everything. Like trying to move that relationship into the real world, into just the normal world. Has destroyed the relationship, actually. So you, you must have been conscious of that. And were you thinking about that? About, do I really know Peter is outside Peter the same as inside Peter?

[D]

Definitely, definitely had those thoughts. Look, I think a couple years in of us just, you know, seeing each other, communicating, going and visit his intentions. Look, I really believe that how he felt about me was real and true. Because not only did we see each other, have phone calls, written communication was a very big thing for the both of us. And just the things that he would write, I felt was real, but it did go through my mind several times. Was he just using me to have a place to stay when he got out? Because being incarcerated very long, and was I just that stepping stone? Yeah, I just didn't really think about it until he came home, which was surreal. But I tell you what, very, very strong man. He took on, you know, being a partner, living in the outside world to taking on my children. They like being a father figure. Yeah. And he just took it all on and was fantastic. Still to this day.

[A]

How many years has Pete been out?

[D]

He's been out for 12 years.

[A]

Oh, my God. And you two are going strong and 11 years married.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

But also you. You're paying it forward. Both of you are helping a lot of other people. So social media is really where your work is yours and Peter's is that. That's sort of where it's sitting.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Peter's, he's like, he's got a few digital books and there's a few free ones there. And like, you know how to say it so you don't misread it as a free one. And then we've got 10 red flags. You're living with the dangerous men. So it's just all little points. And I think what he's just trying to do from that type of platform is to just show women that these are the 10 red flags are just things to show women that if you are living with any of these, then this is the start of it. With a lot of domestic violence, when you see your bruises and, you know, people can see it. But this coercive control which I have lived myself is not seen. And it's. And it hasn't been a big thing for a long time. And I think this just finding the pattern and the language that women can actually see, because a lot of them say, oh, no, it's not me, not me. So, like, getting me out before it leads to death is the biggest thing for him. Like, he so, so passionate about Getting this across to women.

[A]

And I also think, don't underestimate it. And I think we can all be a bit guilty of that, of assuming it won' happen. Like, it's so unfathomable that to say, oh, yeah, her boyfriend or her husband's an asshole. And don't assume that he can't, that he's not a murderer. Don't assume that under an amount of pressure, an amount of what he perceives as humiliation, an amount of drugs and alcohol, all of those things that any woman could be next week's victim.

[D]

Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. It just takes, like a trigger.

[A]

It takes a minute as well.

[D]

Exactly.

[A]

Your Instagram bio says, I analyze coercive and high control behavioral patterns in relationships before they escalate into crisis. Early intervention behavioral insight. So how, how do you do that? How do you get to interact with people about their relationships? And, you know, do we, do we come to you seeking advice or how does your work work?

[D]

Yeah, look, when women come to me, most of them go to Peter, but when they do come to me, I do revert them back to Peter because Peter does do specialized, you know, zoom calls or written stuff. But because I have that experience also being one of the coercive control survivors, I do believe that that intervention, young in age was critical. When I read what some of these women have been through, my heart just aches for them and their children.

[A]

Well, I mean, Peter and his mum, you know, I mean, he. He tells stories and I'm sure you've heard many more than I have, but I told a number of people after I spoke to him about the incident where his father poured petrol over him and threatened to set him on fire because his mum was packing to leave. How you ever, ever recover from that, I don't know. If you need support after listening to this podcast, you can call Lifeline on 131114 or contact 1-800-Respect on 1-800-737-732 or 1-800-Respect. Org au Indigenous Australians can contact 13 Yarn on 139276 or 13 yarn.org au.

[B]

The producers of this podcast recognise the traditional owners of the land on which it's recorded. They pay respect to the Aboriginal elders past, present and those emerging.