Podcast Summary: Autism Parenting Secrets

Episode: Have WANTS Not Expectations
Hosts: Len Arcuri, Cass Arcuri
Date: December 19, 2024

Main Theme

This episode centers on a crucial mindset shift for parents of autistic children: replacing rigid expectations with heartfelt wants. Len Arcuri shares personal insights and practical advice on how this distinction can profoundly affect both parent and child, leading to a more joyful, resilient, and connected family experience.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Defining Wants vs. Expectations

• Wants: Desires, wishes, or hopes for your child or yourself. They are heartfelt and open to possibility.
• Expectations: Often disguised as needs or demands. For the child, these feel like pressure; for the parent, they breed strong emotions when unmet.
  • “A want is something that you desire. These are wishes, things that you're truly wanting for yourself or your child… Expectations from a parent's perspective can be really demands in disguise.” — Len [03:00]
• Importance of the Distinction:
  • Expectations maintain a “clinginess to an outcome,” often accompanied by frustration, disappointment, or anger when unmet. Wants, however, are flexible and do not tie happiness to outcomes.

2. The Emotional Fallout of Expectations

• Unmet expectations lead to tantrums or meltdowns—by parents as much as children.
  • “Parents also have meltdowns and tantrums… It just drains everyone around you and simply doesn’t help in any way.” — Len [07:20]
• Negative reactions (complaining, withdrawing, arguing) when things don’t go your way only add stress to family life and do not bring desired outcomes closer.

3. How to Move From Expectation to Want

• Step 1: Go Big On What You Really Want
  • Don’t reduce or hedge your wants out of fear of disappointment. Dare to articulate your true desires, both for your child and yourself.
    • “Go big on what you really want and let go of the outcome. Don’t hedge what you want. Don’t reduce what you’re going after. Aim higher.” — Len [09:54]
• Step 2: Check and Reflect On Your Wants
  • Re-examine deeply held wants—are they really for your child’s best interest, or are they about your own unmet needs? Wants can evolve as you learn and grow.
  • Example: Shifting from wanting “recovery” or “normalcy” to wanting “connection” or “meaningful communication”.
    • “I shifted from focusing on compliance with my son to focusing on connection, which led to a wildly different journey.” — Len [13:05]
• Step 3: Let Go of the Outcome
  • Model resilience for your child. Life often doesn’t fulfill every want, and how you react matters.
    • “Model what it’s like to not get what you want and to still be okay… This is how you show up powerfully every day with positivity and resilience.” — Len [19:34]

4. Personal Reflections & Memorable Moments

• Len shares his early journey: Desperate to “fix” his son, Ry, he obsessed over milestones like speech or neurotypical behavior, missing the bigger picture.
• The shift from expecting speech to wanting communication—embracing alternative methods such as sign language or spelling to communicate.
  • “If you’re really focused on speech, I’d invite you to perhaps tweak that to focusing on communication, because communication can take many, many forms.” — Len [17:58]
• Reference to "The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Horse": Sometimes the most important want is intangible but essential, like kindness.
  • “One of the lines in [the book] is—the boy says he wants to be kind. That kind of sums up for me with Ry… kindness was really important.” — Len [18:48]

5. Practical Takeaways for Parents

• Recognize when expectations are creeping in and leading to unhappiness.
• Dare to want more but be flexible on how or whether those wants are met.
• Support your children by being a resilient model: Positivity, growth mindset, and the ability to accept when things don’t turn out as hoped.

Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• “Why would you want wants instead of expectations? Simply because you and especially your child are going to feel the difference. It's absolutely night and day.” — Len [00:00]

• “Having those kind of strong negative reactions when things don't go your way feels horrible and it just drains everyone around you and it simply just doesn't help in any way.” — Len [07:18]

• “Go big on what you really want and let go of the outcome… Aim higher. You can have whatever want you choose for yourself or your child.” — Len [09:54]

• “I was focused on forcing Rye to want to be a part of my world, and I shifted to just inviting him and becoming more appealing to him to come out of his world into ours.” — Len [17:20]

• “You can drop the expectations and double down on your wants. Your child is watching. If you can't be happy or content when things don't go your way, don't expect your child to be.” — Len [21:12]

Important Timestamps

• 00:00 – Introduction to the concept: Wants vs. expectations
• 03:00 – Deep dive: Why expectations feel like demands and the emotional fallout
• 07:00 – Parents’ own meltdowns and emotional modeling
• 09:54 – Actionable advice: Go big with your wants
• 13:05 – Personal transformation: From expecting compliance to prioritizing connection
• 17:58 – Shifting from wanting speech to embracing communication
• 18:48 – Reflecting on deeper wants: The value of kindness
• 19:34 – The importance of modeling resilience and positivity for your child
• 21:12 – Closing encouragement: Your child learns from your response to setbacks

Conclusion

In this episode, Len Arcuri powerfully advocates for parents to become more conscious of the difference between wants and expectations. By setting aside rigid demands, embracing bigger but flexible desires, and modeling resilience, parents can create a more harmonious and empowering environment for their children and themselves. The episode serves as both practical coaching and compassionate support for families on the autism journey.