Have WANTS Not Expectations - Autism Parenting Secrets

Podcast Summary: Autism Parenting Secrets

Episode: Have WANTS Not Expectations
Hosts: Len Arcuri, Cass Arcuri
Date: December 19, 2024

Main Theme

This episode centers on a crucial mindset shift for parents of autistic children: replacing rigid expectations with heartfelt wants. Len Arcuri shares personal insights and practical advice on how this distinction can profoundly affect both parent and child, leading to a more joyful, resilient, and connected family experience.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Defining Wants vs. Expectations

Wants: Desires, wishes, or hopes for your child or yourself. They are heartfelt and open to possibility.
Expectations: Often disguised as needs or demands. For the child, these feel like pressure; for the parent, they breed strong emotions when unmet.
- “A want is something that you desire. These are wishes, things that you're truly wanting for yourself or your child… Expectations from a parent's perspective can be really demands in disguise.” — Len [03:00]
Importance of the Distinction:
- Expectations maintain a “clinginess to an outcome,” often accompanied by frustration, disappointment, or anger when unmet. Wants, however, are flexible and do not tie happiness to outcomes.

2. The Emotional Fallout of Expectations

Unmet expectations lead to tantrums or meltdowns—by parents as much as children.
- “Parents also have meltdowns and tantrums… It just drains everyone around you and simply doesn’t help in any way.” — Len [07:20]
Negative reactions (complaining, withdrawing, arguing) when things don’t go your way only add stress to family life and do not bring desired outcomes closer.

3. How to Move From Expectation to Want

Step 1: Go Big On What You Really Want
- Don’t reduce or hedge your wants out of fear of disappointment. Dare to articulate your true desires, both for your child and yourself.
  - “Go big on what you really want and let go of the outcome. Don’t hedge what you want. Don’t reduce what you’re going after. Aim higher.” — Len [09:54]
Step 2: Check and Reflect On Your Wants
- Re-examine deeply held wants—are they really for your child’s best interest, or are they about your own unmet needs? Wants can evolve as you learn and grow.
- Example: Shifting from wanting “recovery” or “normalcy” to wanting “connection” or “meaningful communication”.
  - “I shifted from focusing on compliance with my son to focusing on connection, which led to a wildly different journey.” — Len [13:05]
Step 3: Let Go of the Outcome
- Model resilience for your child. Life often doesn’t fulfill every want, and how you react matters.
  - “Model what it’s like to not get what you want and to still be okay… This is how you show up powerfully every day with positivity and resilience.” — Len [19:34]

4. Personal Reflections & Memorable Moments

Len shares his early journey: Desperate to “fix” his son, Ry, he obsessed over milestones like speech or neurotypical behavior, missing the bigger picture.
The shift from expecting speech to wanting communication—embracing alternative methods such as sign language or spelling to communicate.
- “If you’re really focused on speech, I’d invite you to perhaps tweak that to focusing on communication, because communication can take many, many forms.” — Len [17:58]
Reference to "The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Horse": Sometimes the most important want is intangible but essential, like kindness.
- “One of the lines in [the book] is—the boy says he wants to be kind. That kind of sums up for me with Ry… kindness was really important.” — Len [18:48]

5. Practical Takeaways for Parents

Recognize when expectations are creeping in and leading to unhappiness.
Dare to want more but be flexible on how or whether those wants are met.
Support your children by being a resilient model: Positivity, growth mindset, and the ability to accept when things don’t turn out as hoped.

Notable Quotes & Timestamps

“Why would you want wants instead of expectations? Simply because you and especially your child are going to feel the difference. It's absolutely night and day.” — Len [00:00]
“Having those kind of strong negative reactions when things don't go your way feels horrible and it just drains everyone around you and it simply just doesn't help in any way.” — Len [07:18]
“Go big on what you really want and let go of the outcome… Aim higher. You can have whatever want you choose for yourself or your child.” — Len [09:54]
“I was focused on forcing Rye to want to be a part of my world, and I shifted to just inviting him and becoming more appealing to him to come out of his world into ours.” — Len [17:20]
“You can drop the expectations and double down on your wants. Your child is watching. If you can't be happy or content when things don't go your way, don't expect your child to be.” — Len [21:12]

Important Timestamps

00:00 – Introduction to the concept: Wants vs. expectations
03:00 – Deep dive: Why expectations feel like demands and the emotional fallout
07:00 – Parents’ own meltdowns and emotional modeling
09:54 – Actionable advice: Go big with your wants
13:05 – Personal transformation: From expecting compliance to prioritizing connection
17:58 – Shifting from wanting speech to embracing communication
18:48 – Reflecting on deeper wants: The value of kindness
19:34 – The importance of modeling resilience and positivity for your child
21:12 – Closing encouragement: Your child learns from your response to setbacks

Conclusion

In this episode, Len Arcuri powerfully advocates for parents to become more conscious of the difference between wants and expectations. By setting aside rigid demands, embracing bigger but flexible desires, and modeling resilience, parents can create a more harmonious and empowering environment for their children and themselves. The episode serves as both practical coaching and compassionate support for families on the autism journey.

Transcript

A (0:00)

Why would you want wants instead of expectations? Simply because you and especially your child are going to feel the difference. It's absolutely night and day and maybe a way of looking at this or something to think about. You know, the big question is this. What are you like when you don't get what you want?

B (0:21)

Want to truly be the best parent you can be and help your child thrive after their autism diagnosis? This podcast is for all in parents like you who know more is possible for your child.

A (0:32)

With each episode, we reveal a secret that empowers you to be the parent your child needs now, saving you time, energy, and money and helping you focus on what truly matters most, your child.

B (0:43)

I'm Cass.

A (0:44)

And I'm Len.

B (0:45)

Welcome to Autism Parenting Secrets.

A (0:59)

Hello, it's Len, and welcome to Autism Parenting Secrets. Based on your feedback, I'm recording lately shorter episodes that go into a very key concept in a short amount of time. This is the holiday period where I don't think lots of parents have excess time to take in a deeper, longer podcast. So this episode is going to be shorter and it's no less impactful because the secret this week is have wants, not expectations. So that might be clear or it might be wildly confusing to you, but either way, keep listening because the nuances here matter. So give me about 10 minutes and I can guarantee you'll get a boost. You'll get some takeaways that will definitely give you more wind at your back. Have wants, not expectations. Let's define wants. It's pretty straightforward, but a want is basically just something that you desire. These are wishes, things that you're truly wanting for yourself or your child. I guess one way of defining want and making it clear is knowing what it isn't. And a want is not a need. So those are very different terms. If want is something that you desire, then expectations, at least in the way I'm defining expectations, those are more like needs, or even more specifically, they're expectations from a parent's perspective can be really demands in disguise. And at least from your child's perspective, they'll be receiving expectations on your part more as demands. There's pressure. And from your standpoint as a parent, if you're anything like I was, there's a certain clinginess to an outcome. An expectation was one something I wanted for my child, let's say, for speech to emerge as an example, that was really not just a want that I had, that was an expectation that was more of a demand. I felt kind of a desperation, and I'm sure my Son felt all of this. Another way of looking at expectations is if you don't get that expectation, if that doesn't come to fruition, then you're going to show and express your dissatisfaction. There'll be some unpleasant outcome. Again, for me, this was strong emotions. Frustration, disappointment, anger. So the reaction I would have if something didn't happen or if it was taking too long was some strong emotion like those, or that emotion will be accompanied by some action that would be a pained facial expression. A lot of nonverbal cues coming from my body that were expressing my unhappiness. Sometimes it translated into me raising my voice and being really short with my family. Sometimes it was me complaining about doctors who weren't helping or therapies that weren't working. Sometimes that resulted in arguments. And my go to was kind of withdrawal. I would withdraw and kind of check out a little bit. By having expectations, I was effectively setting myself up for a lot of unpleasantness in terms of emotions that I was feeling and actions that I was taking. And so that's why having wants are very different than having expectations. The two concepts are wildly different. So when it comes to what you are doing to help your child, the opportunity is to get super, super clear on what you're going for. And to have wants as opposed to expectations can make a huge difference. And at the same time, just know that you are the greatest gift for your child. Your efforts are a tremendous expression of your love for them. But at the same time, what I wasn't aware of is that the actions that Cass and I were taking and everything I know I was doing, it was also self serving. You know, sure, I wanted the best for my son, Ry, but I also wanted more for my family and I also wanted more for myself. I wanted to get out of the prison that I felt autism was in terms of all the things that our family couldn't do, not just because of autism, but also because of Ry's, you know, extreme allergies. So I wanted more for myself as well. So. So just know that as you're doing everything you can for your child, you're also doing this for yourself. And that's totally understandable. So whether it's something that you want for your child or something that you want for yourself, why would you want wants instead of expectations? Simply because you and especially your child are going to feel the difference. It's absolutely night and day and maybe a way of looking at this or something to think about. You know, the big question is this, what are you like when you don't get what you want? Are you fun to be around? Does your best self come through? Or is it your worst self? Do you throw a tantrum? I know we're always looking at kids who throw tantrums. Meltdowns, basically. So do parents. Parents also have meltdowns and tantrums. They just take different forms and maybe they look a little bit different, but the result is the same. It's unhappiness. Having those kind of strong negative reactions when things don't go your way feels horrible and it just drains everyone around you and it simply just doesn't help in any way. So whether it's a child who tantrums, whether it's an adult who's pouting or complaining, all that energy is wasted because it doesn't bring you closer to getting what you wanted in the first place. So doing unhappiness, getting unhappy when you don't get what you want, which is basically what an expectation is. It's when things don't go your way, you're not okay with, just never works. It never helps. For this episode, the big insight is go big on what you really want and let go of the outcome. And that might sound totally contradictory, but here's how you put it into action. When you think about what you want for your child, especially, or for yourself, go big. Don't hedge what you want. Don't reduce what you're going after. Aim higher. You can have whatever want you choose for yourself or your child. And it comes up time and time again when I'm having the privilege of coaching parents where they don't dare to want more for their child or for themselves. And of course, that's because they don't want to get their hopes up or some version of that. But no, with your wants, go big. Go for what you really want. You don't have to restrain yourself, so aim higher. When you actually aim higher and go for what your heart desires, it'll force you to think outside the box. So when I think of autism and all the services, the diagnosis that parents get based on symptoms in order to get a diagnosis, that enables you to get services and insurance coverage for therapies and interventions that only address the symptoms, it's basically a hamster wheel that is designed to keep everybody stuck, yourself and your child, because it's all symptom driven. So if you identify your big wants and have something big that you're going for, it'll actually force you to think outside the box. And it may help you to see that a lot of the options that might be right in front of you won't get you there. So having big outcomes that you're going for is actually very useful, and it's not unrealistic. You can want what you want. But the second part of this, outside of going bigger, which seems counterintuitive, but trust me, go big. And then the second part is to really check in on what you want. What do you really want? I've talked so many times about how I wanted nothing more than autism to be gone. I totally shifted. Thankfully, because of some great guides, I shifted from that outcome to basically not caring about the label of autism. And I shifted on the episode 233, which is two episodes before this one, is all about how the big shift from compliance, me wanting compliance, my son to comply with what I wanted, to comply with what society expected of him, how he was supposed to behave. I shifted from focusing on compliance with my son to really focusing on connection, which led to wildly different actions and a totally different journey, a much better journey. So go big on what you want, but really double check and confirm that what you're wanting makes sense because there might be some other way or some other outcome that resonates more with you. Early on, I was so focused on the outcome of recovery and of healing, and I learned that it really isn't about some outcome like that. It's much more about just truly meeting Rai's unique needs and helping him to become the boy he was destined to become. So meeting Rai's needs was the outcome, as opposed to healing, recovery, or some outcome of that nature. I also shifted from wanting neurotypical. You know, my son's not neurotypical. He is so unique and has such incredible gifts, and it exceeds in so many ways and also has opportunities to improve. So it's really shifting away from that outcome of neurotypical was really helpful. So many of the parents that I coach want the same thing I wanted early on, too, which was speech. I wanted my son to talk. He had words, then he lost them. So I was really obsessed with wanting speech. And I've learned again from so many amazing people who have taught me that speech wasn't necessarily the best thing for me to be wanting for Ry was really more communication. And so I let go of me clinging to speech and just wanting Rai to communicate. And I know Cass worked with Rye early on to help him communicate with sign language, which was really helpful for anyone who listens to the podcast. You know, there have been many episodes we've done with the spellers and spelling to communicate and the spellers method. Listen to those episodes if you want to better understand how for some kids speech that that's not necessarily the only outcome. The real important thing is for a child to be able to express their wants and what they're thinking and to be able to communicate. And thanks to the methods I mentioned, so many kids who didn't have the ability to express themselves now have a way of doing that. So listen to J.B. hanley's episode that's episode 38, or episode 1401-432132-17228 are all about this concept. If you're really focused on speech, I'd invite you to just perhaps tweak that to focusing on communication, because communication can take many, many forms. And so keep that in mind in terms of what do you really want? I was focused on forcing Rye to want to be a part of my world, and I shifted to just inviting him and becoming more appealing to him to come out of his world and into ours. There's lots of ways that you can just think about what you want right now, and nothing's good or bad, but just really check in is what you're wanting now the most important. There's a phenomenal animated short that won the Academy Award a couple years ago, and it's based on a book. The title is the Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse, and it's just extremely powerful. But one of the lines in there is when the mole asked this boy, what do you want to be when you grow up? And the boy said, kind. And that kind of sums up for me with Ry. I had so many expectations of what I wanted him to become, and I had no awareness that kindness was a really important thing. And it turns out my son has that. And it's only because he was met where he was, without us trying to push and force him to become someone he wasn't. That brings to the third and final item, right, to go big, check in on what you really want. And the third is to let go of the outcome. And that gets to where you can model what you want your child to learn. Basically teaching your child that life is really, most of the time, you don't get what you want. So if you can model what it's like to not get what you want and to still be okay and not to pivot into unhappiness, that's an incredible thing that you can teach. This is how you show up powerfully every day with positivity and resilience. You don't have to model unhappiness for your child. Many of you know that the Sunrise program, the Option Institute, was a real key source of knowledge and guidance for both Cass and I. And this concept of not going to unhappiness when things don't go your way is something that we learn there. So all this is how you can show up powerfully every day. You can drop the expectations and double down on your wants. Your child is watching. If you can't be happy or content when things don't go your way, don't expect your child to be. How your child responds to what life throws at them is going to largely be determined by how they see you respond. So respond powerfully with grace, with curiosity, with positivity, with a growth mindset of constant learning. And know that you can never fail because after all, you're either winning or you're growing. Your child wants you to transform now, and the fastest way to do that is with personalized support. To learn more, go to allinparentcoaching.com intensive.