Podcast Summary: Stop Waging War, Go ALL IN Instead

Podcast: Autism Parenting Secrets
Hosts: Cass Arcuri, Len Arcuri
Date: September 15, 2022

Overview

In this episode of Autism Parenting Secrets, Cass and Len Arcuri challenge the prevalent "warrior parent" mindset in the autism community, advocating instead for the transformative power of being "all in." They reflect on their own journey as parents of a child with autism, highlighting how shifting from forceful, battle-driven energy to an accepting, committed, and inwardly focused approach proved more effective, fulfilling, and restorative for themselves and their child. Their message empowers parents to embrace a mindset rooted in self-acceptance, presence, flexibility, and thriving together, rather than waging an exhausting war “against” autism.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Revisiting the "Warrior Parent" Concept

• Historical Context:
  • The podcast revisits their second-ever episode ("What is a Warrior Parent and Why You Need to Become One?")—an early and popular topic in their journey.
  • The "warrior" concept resonated at first: parents taking action, showing strength, courage, and relentless resolve.
  • [01:33] Cass: “Type A, high energy, determined, not going to stop, willing to do whatever it took... That's me.”
• Evolving Understanding:
  • Over time, Cass and Len recognized that the “warrior” energy could unconsciously reinforce resistance, denial, and a lack of self-acceptance.
  • [02:47] “Stop waging war, go all in instead.”

Words Matter: "Warrior" vs. "All In"

• Language and Energy:
  • The vocabulary parents use shapes their outlook and results.
  • [02:47] Len: “The words really do matter... Being all in is such a better term that encapsulates how we want to be.”
• Shifting Coaching Approach:
  • Even their coaching methods evolved from "Warrior Parent Coaching" to "All In Parent Coaching."

Contrasting Warrior & All-In Mindsets

• Similarities:
  • Both require courage, skill, ownership, and relentless action to support a child.
  • [04:29] Len: “Both entail having courage...determination to see things through...ownership...excellence.”
• Key Differences:
  • Warrior: Outward focus—trying to change other people, fighting against; emphasizes judgment (good vs. bad), resistance, pushing, and rejecting what is not wanted.
  • All In: Inward focus—starting with self-change and self-reflection, welcoming and accepting what comes, non-judgment, curiosity, and flexibility.
• Notable Dialogue:
  • [05:57] Len (as Warrior): “Perhaps trying to change other people, particularly my child.”
  • [06:02] Cass (as All In): "In life, the only person you can truly change is yourself. Being all in...is that ability to hold up that mirror and look at yourself."

Acceptance Over Judgment

• Handling Challenging Behaviors:
  • The shift from immediate judgment to curiosity enables better problem-solving and nurturing.
  • [07:27] Cass: “Whatever shitstorm might be happening, what is this here to teach me?...You become a much better detective instead of rejecting something right away.”
  • [08:21] “Curiosity allows you to be that detective...you can kind of put those little clues together that actually help you support your child better.”

Allowing, Not Forcing

• Surrender and Flow:
  • Moving from opposition to acceptance brings ease, safety, and a higher sense of empowerment.
  • [09:34] Cass: “No, it’s actually more about that whole surrender...allowing peace allows you to truly show up with a different energy.”
• Mindset Shift:
  • From a battle (“win/lose”) to partnership and shared success (“win/win”).
  • [10:12] Cass: “It becomes a win win. You feel good about what’s happening, your child feels really good...such a stronger place.”

Journey, Not Just the Destination

• Reflecting on Outcomes vs. Experience:
  • The pressure to “defeat autism” can rob families of joy and connection.
  • [11:04] Cass: “There are years I wish I could take back...so wish I wasn’t just on that mission to defeat autism, and that I was just able to enjoy the ride more.”
  • [12:30] Len: “The bottom line, it’s journey, not destination. It took me so long to really get that concept.”
• Bond and Presence:
  • True connection and happiness come from sharing the journey, not focusing exclusively on “fixing” outcomes.

High Vibration, Positive Energy

• How You Show Up Matters:
  • The energy parents project influences their child’s behavior, their encounters with professionals, and their own fulfillment.
  • [13:52] Cass: “This is where high vibe, truly the vibration that you send out...is so, so important.”
  • [14:41] Len: “That was such a ridiculous concept for me...The secret is you can be [high vibe] even while what's happening is not what you’re wanting.”

Commitment to Self and Growth

• Self-Reflection:
  • The essential question: How are you showing up for yourself and your child?
  • [16:07] Cass: “Every day I look in the mirror...What is my energy that I want to put out into that world?”
• Being for Something, Not Against:
  • All-in parents are “for” growth, joy, possibility—not just fighting against a diagnosis.
  • [17:06] Len: “Warriors are usually against something. Being all in...is about being for something.”
• Curiosity and Learning:
  • Staying open, continuing to adapt, and learning from challenges is key to the "all in" mindset.
  • [18:12] Cass: “Continuing to learn...Your own discovery in this journey is so important for you to have those Aha and breakthroughs as well.”

Self-Care and True Commitment

• Committing to Self-Care:
  • It’s essential, not selfish, for parents to nourish themselves while supporting their child.
  • [17:49] Len: “When you’re all in, this is where you have the space to commit...to your own self-care because it is anything but selfish.”
• Doing the Inner Work:
  • Real transformation happens when parents themselves choose to grow, not just focusing on their child’s “work.”
  • [18:35] Len: “Just about every parent says they want to be the best parent they can be...But only a few are willing to do their own work.”

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Cass [01:33]: “Type A, high energy, determined, not going to stop, willing to do whatever it took... That's me.”
• Len [02:47]: “The words really do matter... Being all in is such a better term that encapsulates how we want to be.”
• Cass [11:04]: “There are years I wish I could take back...so wish I wasn’t just on that mission to defeat autism, and that I was just able to enjoy the ride more.”
• Len [12:30]: “The bottom line, it’s journey, not destination. It took me so long to really get that concept.”
• Cass [13:52]: “This is where high vibe, truly the vibration that you send out...is so, so important.”
• Len [17:06]: “Warriors are usually against something. Being all in...is about being for something.”
• Cass [18:12]: “Continuing to learn...Your own discovery in this journey is so important for you to have those Aha and breakthroughs as well.”
• Len [18:35]: “Just about every parent says they want to be the best parent...But only a few are willing to do their own work.”

Key Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:00–01:52: Introduction; framing the episode and reflecting on the original “warrior” mindset
• 02:47–05:30: The shift from “warrior” to “all in” and why language matters
• 05:37–09:07: Role-play contrasting warrior and all-in approaches
• 09:34–11:04: Acceptance, surrender, and moving from opposition to flow
• 11:04–13:11: Mission vs. journey; personal anecdotes about “defeating autism”
• 13:52–14:41: “High vibe” frequencies; the power of parental energy
• 17:06–18:12: Being for something, not against; self-care and growth
• 18:35–19:19: Commitment to self-work and continuous improvement

Closing Takeaways

• Stop fighting; start embracing. Let go of the "warrior" energy and instead go "all in" with acceptance, flexibility, curiosity, and self-reflection.
• The energy you bring changes everything. Parents' focus and mindset profoundly impact their child’s progress and their family’s happiness.
• The journey is what matters. Achievements are important, but being present and enjoying the process creates deeper fulfillment and connection.
• Self-care and growth are essential. Doing your own inner work as a parent is foundational to supporting your child at the highest level.
• Be for something. Commit wholeheartedly to being the best version of yourself for your child—not battling against autism, but nurturing possibility and joy.