Stop Waging War, Go ALL IN Instead

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Stop Waging War, Go ALL IN Instead

Podcast: Autism Parenting Secrets
Hosts: Cass Arcuri, Len Arcuri
Date: September 15, 2022

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Overview

In this episode of Autism Parenting Secrets, Cass and Len Arcuri challenge the prevalent "warrior parent" mindset in the autism community, advocating instead for the transformative power of being "all in." They reflect on their own journey as parents of a child with autism, highlighting how shifting from forceful, battle-driven energy to an accepting, committed, and inwardly focused approach proved more effective, fulfilling, and restorative for themselves and their child. Their message empowers parents to embrace a mindset rooted in self-acceptance, presence, flexibility, and thriving together, rather than waging an exhausting war “against” autism.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Revisiting the "Warrior Parent" Concept

• Historical Context:
  • The podcast revisits their second-ever episode ("What is a Warrior Parent and Why You Need to Become One?")—an early and popular topic in their journey.
  • The "warrior" concept resonated at first: parents taking action, showing strength, courage, and relentless resolve.
  • [01:33] Cass: “Type A, high energy, determined, not going to stop, willing to do whatever it took... That's me.”
• Evolving Understanding:
  • Over time, Cass and Len recognized that the “warrior” energy could unconsciously reinforce resistance, denial, and a lack of self-acceptance.
  • [02:47] “Stop waging war, go all in instead.”

Words Matter: "Warrior" vs. "All In"

• Language and Energy:
  • The vocabulary parents use shapes their outlook and results.
  • [02:47] Len: “The words really do matter... Being all in is such a better term that encapsulates how we want to be.”
• Shifting Coaching Approach:
  • Even their coaching methods evolved from "Warrior Parent Coaching" to "All In Parent Coaching."

Contrasting Warrior & All-In Mindsets

• Similarities:
  • Both require courage, skill, ownership, and relentless action to support a child.
  • [04:29] Len: “Both entail having courage...determination to see things through...ownership...excellence.”
• Key Differences:
  • Warrior: Outward focus—trying to change other people, fighting against; emphasizes judgment (good vs. bad), resistance, pushing, and rejecting what is not wanted.
  • All In: Inward focus—starting with self-change and self-reflection, welcoming and accepting what comes, non-judgment, curiosity, and flexibility.
• Notable Dialogue:
  • [05:57] Len (as Warrior): “Perhaps trying to change other people, particularly my child.”
  • [06:02] Cass (as All In): "In life, the only person you can truly change is yourself. Being all in...is that ability to hold up that mirror and look at yourself."

Acceptance Over Judgment

• Handling Challenging Behaviors:
  • The shift from immediate judgment to curiosity enables better problem-solving and nurturing.
  • [07:27] Cass: “Whatever shitstorm might be happening, what is this here to teach me?...You become a much better detective instead of rejecting something right away.”
  • [08:21] “Curiosity allows you to be that detective...you can kind of put those little clues together that actually help you support your child better.”

Allowing, Not Forcing

• Surrender and Flow:
  • Moving from opposition to acceptance brings ease, safety, and a higher sense of empowerment.
  • [09:34] Cass: “No, it’s actually more about that whole surrender...allowing peace allows you to truly show up with a different energy.”
• Mindset Shift:
  • From a battle (“win/lose”) to partnership and shared success (“win/win”).
  • [10:12] Cass: “It becomes a win win. You feel good about what’s happening, your child feels really good...such a stronger place.”

Journey, Not Just the Destination

• Reflecting on Outcomes vs. Experience:
  • The pressure to “defeat autism” can rob families of joy and connection.
  • [11:04] Cass: “There are years I wish I could take back...so wish I wasn’t just on that mission to defeat autism, and that I was just able to enjoy the ride more.”
  • [12:30] Len: “The bottom line, it’s journey, not destination. It took me so long to really get that concept.”
• Bond and Presence:
  • True connection and happiness come from sharing the journey, not focusing exclusively on “fixing” outcomes.

High Vibration, Positive Energy

• How You Show Up Matters:
  • The energy parents project influences their child’s behavior, their encounters with professionals, and their own fulfillment.
  • [13:52] Cass: “This is where high vibe, truly the vibration that you send out...is so, so important.”
  • [14:41] Len: “That was such a ridiculous concept for me...The secret is you can be [high vibe] even while what's happening is not what you’re wanting.”

Commitment to Self and Growth

• Self-Reflection:
  • The essential question: How are you showing up for yourself and your child?
  • [16:07] Cass: “Every day I look in the mirror...What is my energy that I want to put out into that world?”
• Being for Something, Not Against:
  • All-in parents are “for” growth, joy, possibility—not just fighting against a diagnosis.
  • [17:06] Len: “Warriors are usually against something. Being all in...is about being for something.”
• Curiosity and Learning:
  • Staying open, continuing to adapt, and learning from challenges is key to the "all in" mindset.
  • [18:12] Cass: “Continuing to learn...Your own discovery in this journey is so important for you to have those Aha and breakthroughs as well.”

Self-Care and True Commitment

• Committing to Self-Care:
  • It’s essential, not selfish, for parents to nourish themselves while supporting their child.
  • [17:49] Len: “When you’re all in, this is where you have the space to commit...to your own self-care because it is anything but selfish.”
• Doing the Inner Work:
  • Real transformation happens when parents themselves choose to grow, not just focusing on their child’s “work.”
  • [18:35] Len: “Just about every parent says they want to be the best parent they can be...But only a few are willing to do their own work.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Cass [01:33]: “Type A, high energy, determined, not going to stop, willing to do whatever it took... That's me.”
• Len [02:47]: “The words really do matter... Being all in is such a better term that encapsulates how we want to be.”
• Cass [11:04]: “There are years I wish I could take back...so wish I wasn’t just on that mission to defeat autism, and that I was just able to enjoy the ride more.”
• Len [12:30]: “The bottom line, it’s journey, not destination. It took me so long to really get that concept.”
• Cass [13:52]: “This is where high vibe, truly the vibration that you send out...is so, so important.”
• Len [17:06]: “Warriors are usually against something. Being all in...is about being for something.”
• Cass [18:12]: “Continuing to learn...Your own discovery in this journey is so important for you to have those Aha and breakthroughs as well.”
• Len [18:35]: “Just about every parent says they want to be the best parent...But only a few are willing to do their own work.”

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Key Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:00–01:52: Introduction; framing the episode and reflecting on the original “warrior” mindset
• 02:47–05:30: The shift from “warrior” to “all in” and why language matters
• 05:37–09:07: Role-play contrasting warrior and all-in approaches
• 09:34–11:04: Acceptance, surrender, and moving from opposition to flow
• 11:04–13:11: Mission vs. journey; personal anecdotes about “defeating autism”
• 13:52–14:41: “High vibe” frequencies; the power of parental energy
• 17:06–18:12: Being for something, not against; self-care and growth
• 18:35–19:19: Commitment to self-work and continuous improvement

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Closing Takeaways

• Stop fighting; start embracing. Let go of the "warrior" energy and instead go "all in" with acceptance, flexibility, curiosity, and self-reflection.
• The energy you bring changes everything. Parents' focus and mindset profoundly impact their child’s progress and their family’s happiness.
• The journey is what matters. Achievements are important, but being present and enjoying the process creates deeper fulfillment and connection.
• Self-care and growth are essential. Doing your own inner work as a parent is foundational to supporting your child at the highest level.
• Be for something. Commit wholeheartedly to being the best version of yourself for your child—not battling against autism, but nurturing possibility and joy.

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Transcript

[A]

The one thing that we have learned on this journey that's so important to kind of really point out is the energy that you put out into the universe is truly the energy that you give back. And so this is. Going through this nuance right now with you is really important because our whole goal in doing this podcast and doing the coaching and supporting parents, that little nuance can make such a world of difference. Want to truly be the best parent you can be and help your child thrive after their autism diagnosis? This podcast is for all in parents like you who know more is possible for your child.

[B]

With each episode, we reveal a secret that empowers you to be the parent your child needs now. Saving you time, energy, and money and helping you focus on what truly matters most, your child.

[A]

I'm Cass.

[B]

And I'm Len.

[A]

Welcome to Autism Parenting Secrets. Hello and welcome to Autism Parenting Secrets. This is Cass and today I'm joined with Len. And we're so excited because today we're going to take kind of a step back and we're going to revisit episode two. And episode two is what is a warrior parent and why you need to become one. And now here we are, fast forward 115 episodes and we truly want to elaborate. And we originally chose Warrior because there was a certain meaning in the autism community.

[B]

Yeah. And actually this episode, episode two, it's one of the ones that really is the most downloaded. And so I think people are intrigued by this warrior parent idea. And yeah, we did. We chose it particularly when going back when our journey first started, it really meant something within the autism community. Right.

[A]

This is a type A high energy, determined, not going to stop, willing to do whatever it took. And truly, that's me. I'm a problem solver. And like you get me started, of course I'm going to support my son as he needed. I had commitment. There was action, resolve, strength. And warriors are strong and courageous and skillful. However, we've also come to realize, and this is the beauty of this journey, and this is why we always refer to it as a journey. Warrior can also send out the opposite energy. A warrior can send out a message of waging war or non acceptance or denial because you're going after your goal and you're kind of taking no prisoners along the way or whatever. So this week, the secret is stop waging war, go all in instead.

[B]

The words really do matter. And even though the warrior term felt right to us early on because it matched the energy that we were bringing to wanting to help our child, our son as best we could, the term is important, the energy it captures. And we've shifted to where being all in is such a better term that encapsulates how we want to be, how we want to navigate this journey. And so even in our coaching, we used to be called warrior parent coaching, we've shifted to all in parent coaching because it really does capture the essence of that transformation that any parent can make to that much stronger, more capable, calmer version of themself that truly is in a better position to find answers that are right for their child and their family.

[A]

Right? And if you think about the term all in, it's like, yes, I'm here. I'm here for my child. I'm here for myself. I'm ready to do the work. And for some of you listening, you might be like, okay, all in warrior. It just seems like you're saying a synonym. And what we want to do is kind of take you through where there are similarities, but then where there's also difference. Because the one thing that we have learned on this journey that's so important to kind of really point out is the energy that you put out into the universe is truly the energy that you get back. And so this is. Going through this nuance right now with you is really important because our whole goal in doing this podcast and doing the coaching and supporting parents, that little nuance can make such a world of difference.

[B]

It comes down to how are you showing up that way you're showing up, how you're starting, how you're approaching everything. It does influence everything. So being a warrior parent or being all in, the similarities to start off with, because those terms can be somewhat interchangeable, both entail having courage, particularly to do things that are hard or unpopular. Skill to do something well, to have the determination to see things through. As Cass talks about lots of times, ownership and being the CEO of your child and what's right for them. Ownership's a huge part. And doing things well, excellence and being relentless at taking actions that are right for you, those are all qualities that you could say are qualities for warrior. It's also the qualities of someone who's all in. But after that, there's other ways that maybe there's a distinction between, you know, how you show up and the term warrior versus all in.

[A]

So how would you want to do this? Because we could do it where I read you, what a warrior might do, and then we could do it all in or vice versa.

[B]

Well, I'll be the warrior.

[A]

So, okay, you be the warrior. I'LL be the all in.

[B]

Okay. And again, we're doing this because this, this distinction will make a difference. Trust us. So if I'm showing up as a warrior and I'm showing up with all those things I just mentioned, which are fantastic, I'm also showing up though perhaps trying to change other people, particularly my child.

[A]

Right. And what the all in it's like you realize in life the only person you can truly change is yourself. And so being all in is that ability to kind of really hold up that mirror and look at yourself and think about, okay, if I change and I am now putting out this energy out into the world, how could I be that influence for others? Right? So always be that light for your child.

[B]

So warrior is more directed at others, whereas being all in is really about yourself. It's an inward focus. And in addition, warriors are really usually about good and evil, good and bad judgment more than anything in terms of what's right and what's wrong. Whereas being an all in parent, it's truly about acceptance.

[A]

Right? So what is, what's happening right now? What's going on? What do I need to kind of pay attention to? And doing it from a place of non judgment.

[B]

And where this most comes up is with our, with our kids behaviors, right, let's say difficult, challenging behaviors. It's so hard to not judge that as bad and it's gotta go. But if you can look at it.

[A]

From acceptance, yeah, that's where the power is, right?

[B]

Because from that point of acceptance, not that you want it, but from that point of acceptance, you'll be in much better position to figure out what could help. So also warriors are really about kind of pushing against something and rejecting what they don't want. Whereas an all in parent is much more about welcoming.

[A]

And so it's kind of like welcoming, okay, whatever shitstorm might be happening, what is this here to teach me? What do I need to kind of pay attention to? What is the message in this? You know, what is that message in the madness? And so you get to become a much better detective. Instead of rejecting something right away. When you welcome something in, you're like, oh, that's new, I haven't noticed that before. You're a much better problem solver, so you're much more welcoming, much more open, you're much more able to kind of see what am I really supposed to see with this?

[B]

And kind of related to that is if you show up really rigid, kind of close minded and focused on what you're wanting or what you're going after, then you kind of miss a lot of opportunities that you could otherwise get with curiosity.

[A]

And curiosity allows you to be that detective. So like Len was saying that, you know the idea with welcoming when you're like, okay, why is my kid head banging right now? And like, oh, weird. It happens, you know, an hour after he eats. Like you can kind of put those little clues together that actually help you support your child better. So you're going to be curious instead of judging and rigid to what that behavior might be. You're going to be like, holy shit. I can completely understand that and I'm completely flexible to understand what's going on. And I can go more in flow with it. I have that ability to kind of flow and support my child as I need versus judging it and being rigid and trying to extinguish it.

[B]

So those are just some kind of contrasting the two terms, the two energies and really being like a warrior. And part of the reason why that energy may be not a fit is it's not about forcing anything. It's really much more about allowing your child to be themselves to just again, as Cass mentioned, to just welcome what's happening. So it's not about force.

[A]

No, it's actually more about that whole surrender. It's like, okay, I'm going to, here's what's going on. I'm not going to fight it. I'm just going to, like I said, go with that flow. And that allowing peace allows you to truly show up with a different energy, one that's going to feel much more safe for your child and one that's gonna really let you step more into that power and that ability to kind of see what's the best move to make next.

[B]

If you're approaching it as if it's a fight, as if it's a battle, it's a win lose type situation. But if you go all in instead.

[A]

It becomes a win win. Right. You feel good about what's happening, your child feels really good about what's happening. And so you're in such a stronger place, right?

[B]

Yeah. You can get what you want for yourself or your child without someone else losing. So it's really just a mindset that there's abundance, there's lots of options, there's enough for everyone. So again, that's a different way. And if you're all in, you're allowing those possibilities. So another aspect of a warrior is that it's usually about completing some mission. There's a task, there's a goal. And while that can be useful. What we found with this journey to support our son and the autism journey is that there is something even more important than some specific goal that we had, right?

[A]

It's navigating the journey well, but also enjoying the ride. And I just, you know, as Len was speaking, I thought about it. When Ry was diagnosed with autism, Len went to his first Dan conference, what, six weeks later. And Dan stood for Defeat Autism Now. And we actually rise initials are RDA with. And we were, you know, we actually created what RDA stood for, which Rye Defeats autism. So he actually went to this conference with these business cards made because we had made defeating autism our mission. And when I look back at the photos that we had of our son when he was younger, there was so I was on such a mission, you know, and especially knowing that five year window and all of that stuff that comes with this, that there are years that I wish I could take back, that I could enjoy the ride more, because there were. So when you look at the pictures and you remember the head banging, you remember the behaviors and the tantrums and, you know, not having holidays and all the other things that come with it, but there was also so much joy woven in that. And I can see it hindsight looking back at these photos of my son, but I so wish that I wasn't just on that mission to defeat that autism, and that I was just truly able to enjoy the ride a little bit more still, while supporting my son as he needed to be supported, but also finding the joy that was there.

[B]

The bottom line, it's journey, not destination. It took me so long to really get that concept. And it's so true, because even if we got what we were hoping for, our son, let's say him losing his diagnosis, if, you know, after years that happened, but we were miserable the entire time and not present with him, not enjoying the moments with him and being distracted because we were just so focused on that outcome then he'd be in a very different place now, and our connection, the bond that we have with him would be so much less. Which is why the journey is what it's all about. While you're going towards something that you.

[A]

Care about and how you and the energies that you set off. I've shared before, kind of that litmus test he took me through, like, are you judging the fuck out of me or are you with me? And so this is where going with him on this journey really mattered more than what my mission was, where I started.

[B]

So navigating the journey. Well, with ease with more lightness is a key aspect of being all in. And so there's a lot of other distinctions, but it really comes down to if you're battling, it's kind of a serious and kind of like you're wallowing in negativity. It's more low vibe. Whereas if you're all in, oh, my.

[A]

Goodness, this is where high vibe, truly the vibration that you send out into the world, the vibration that you send out to your child that is so, so important. It's amazing. If I could take back some of those early conversations that I had with practitioners or therapists where I was kind of like in this battle mode, going to defense for whatever my son needed versus the conversations I can now have as it relates to what my vibration was going into those fights versus going into those conversations are very different. And now I, you know, I get what I want, even though I'm coming at it from a positive element because I'm still supporting my son as he needs to be supported, but my energy going into it is very different.

[B]

Yeah, but you're still coming in strong, but you're coming in positive.

[A]

Correct.

[B]

And so for some people listening, if you didn't already stop listening when you heard high vibe, I mean, that was such a ridiculous concept for me thinking about when we were really in the middle of the most challenging times, it would be impossible to even entertain being high vibe. But that's why we're talking about it. The secret is you can be even while what's happening is not what you're wanting. So that's why this Persona of stepping into somebody who's all in, it makes all the difference. Being all in means it's not about defeating anything, especially autism.

[A]

And it's also like, you know, I know picky eating can be big for some, but this is all about. It's not like, oh my God, I have to force my picky eater to eat something. It's no, it's getting to nourish your child and figuring out how you need to do it in a way that feels good for them, but also for yourself. So it's not a battle, it's an opportunity.

[B]

Again, it's not about winning or not losing. It's about the journey and making the best decisions you can. And you can have if you want, situations where it's a win win, where somebody doesn't have to lose for you to do what's right for your child. So overall, when we think about being an all in parent, what does this kind of look like? It's basically a different way of being in the world. The energy that you're projecting.

[A]

And I think it's really important. It's kind of like when you look in the mirror, like I've always wanted to. Every day I look in the mirror and like, okay, what can I do to support my son? What can I do to support my daughter? But it's also what is my, you know, what do I see in the mirror as it relates to myself? What is that energy that I want to put out into that world? And so really thinking about how you show up and I heard a stat the other day that just kind of blew my mind. I guess 80, 80% of people don't really look at themselves in the mirror. Yes, you might look at yourself to put makeup on or you might look at yourself for is my hair straight? But truly, look at yourself in the mirror to realize the amazing human that you are. And now you have this opportunity to raise a human might be different than what you thought it was going to be, but it can be such a beautiful journey, especially when you're not picking it apart and just kind of loving it for how it is.

[B]

Yep, truly. And so warriors are usually against something. Being all in. This is about being for something. It's about putting all your chips on the table, but committing to being that best version of yourself for your child.

[A]

It's also about setting yourself up for success. So when you're curious, when you're flexible, when you're in flow, you're going to be able to be omnipresent and you're going to be able to see so much more. And so for you to kind of really embrace that your intuition and embrace your perspective is such a key piece of being that all in parent, you know, you get to be that detective.

[B]

Yeah. And when you're all in, this is where you have the space to commit, truly commit to your own self care because it is anything but selfish. It's essential. So being all in is this different type of energy. It includes having hard conversations. It includes embracing inconvenience because a lot of the stuff that actually is effective and that helps is extremely inconvenient.

[A]

It's also about continuing to learn. So this is where, you know, I just encourage you always kind of be open because every day I find there's something I learned that's new and something that I find that's useful. And yes, these are the things that we share. But it's also your own discovery in this journey is so important for you to have those. Aha. And breakthroughs as well.

[B]

Just about every parent says that they want to be the best parent they can be. And I know you listening are wanting that to be the best parent you can be. But the reality is that only a few are willing to do their own work. And you can't go all in if you think that your child's the only one who has work to do. So the question is, can you commit to doing what it takes to get better and better each day?

[A]

Go all in for your child, and of course, for yourself, because you are being called for this, for something greater than you realize. Want to discover your top autism parenting blind spot? Take our free quiz today. Go to allinparent.com Go.

[B]

Sam.