Autism Parenting Secrets
Episode: Three Reminders Make All The Difference
Host: Len Arcuri (with Cass Arcuri)
Date: October 13, 2022
Episode Overview
In this concise solo episode, host Len Arcuri shares three powerful reminders inspired by the classic song "Cat's in the Cradle" by Harry Chapin. These insights are intended especially for parents of autistic children but are broadly relevant. Len draws on his personal parenting journey to emphasize the importance of presence, acceptance without judgment, and leading by example. He connects each lesson to specific lyrics from the song and offers actionable reflections for listeners seeking to become the parent their child truly needs.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Finding Meaning in Repetition
- [02:05] Len recalls his early struggles observing his son Ry’s repetitive behaviors (stimming, repetitive songs, movie scenes).
- Initially, he found these behaviors “excruciating” and judged them as bad, not realizing they were ways his son coped and self-regulated.
- Over time, he and Cass learned to see these actions as purposeful, not negative.
- He now appreciates that both his neurotypical daughter and autistic son enjoy playing songs on repeat, which is common across the board.
2. The "Cat's in the Cradle" Connection
- [05:30] Len describes his son’s latest music fixation with "Cat's in the Cradle" and how it led him to deeper reflection on parenting.
- Noted the song’s emotional resonance—especially for fathers—as a reminder about regret stemming from lack of presence.
3. The Three Key Reminders Inspired by the Song
Reminder 1: Be Present
- [06:30]
- Quoting the song: "When you coming home, Dad? I don't know when, but we'll get together then."
- Key Insight:
- Putting off time with your child for “later” sends a message of non-priority.
- Presence is about sincerely showing up, not just being physically near.
- For autistic children especially, absence or distraction from a parent can be deeply damaging.
- Len’s Reflection:
- “Presence, sincere presence with your child every day. It matters more than you think.” (07:10)
- He admits his mistake in prioritizing work and entrusting his son’s care solely to therapists, thinking “my presence wasn’t really needed.”
- Quote: “Have a team around you, but choose to be there. Show your child that you want to be with them with no conditions, no expectations. Cherish this time now, even though you're seeing a bunch of things that you do not want.” (13:35)
Reminder 2: Acceptance, Not Judgment
- [09:20]
- Len tells of initially failing to accept his son as he was, conflating acceptance with “giving up” or saying autism was “okay.”
- He learned, through the Option Institute and the Sunrise program, that acceptance opens the door to genuine presence and parental influence.
- Key Insight:
- Judging and fixating on “fixing” your child creates emotional distance; acceptance allows authentic connection.
- Acceptance is not resignation; it’s a foundation for effective support and transformation.
- Len’s Reflection:
- “The big point here, the second reminder, is that you can accept your child as they are now. And it's a power move. And it doesn't mean that you're waving the white flag.” (12:30)
- “If you're not enthusiastically wanting to be with your child… If you're not making really exciting invitations… If you're not doing those things, then what are you doing?” (14:35)
- He reflects on how his energy sometimes conveyed victimhood, unintentionally burdening his son with his own struggles.
Reminder 3: Model What You Want to See (Don’t Be a Hypocrite)
- [15:55]
- Drawing again from the song: “I’m gonna be like him, yeah, you know I’m gonna be like him…” and “He’d grown up just like me.”
- Key Insight:
- Children learn through imitation, absorbing parental behaviors far more than words.
- If parents don’t model presence, acceptance, and emotional resilience, their children are unlikely to develop these traits.
- Len’s Examples:
- The family eliminated TV and electronics for years to model intentional living (even when it was inconvenient).
- He focused on teaching his children happiness and resilience, even when things don’t go their way.
- Quote:
- “Don't ask or expect behaviors from your child that you're not willing to live every day.” (17:45)
- “Being happy, even if you don’t get what you want, was something we wanted to teach, and therefore we had to model it.” (17:10)
Memorable Quotes & Moments
- [07:10] “Presence, sincere presence with your child every day. It matters more than you think.”
- [12:30] “You can accept your child as they are now. And it's a power move. And it doesn't mean that you're waving the white flag.”
- [13:35] “Have a team around you, but choose to be there. Show your child that you want to be with them with no conditions, no expectations. Cherish this time now, even though you're seeing a bunch of things that you do not want.”
- [17:10] “Being happy, even if you don’t get what you want, was something we wanted to teach, and therefore we had to model it.”
- [17:45] “Don't ask or expect behaviors from your child that you're not willing to live every day.”
Important Timestamps
- 02:05 – Challenges with stimming and repetitive behaviors
- 05:30 – "Cat's in the Cradle" as catalyst for reflection
- 06:30 – Reminder 1: Being present and its importance
- 09:20 – Reminder 2: Acceptance versus judgment
- 15:55 – Reminder 3: Modeling the right behavior; not being a hypocrite
- 17:45 – Final recap and call to intentional modeling
Summary of the Three Reminders
- Be Present – Don’t postpone your relationship. Genuine attention today matters more than grand gestures tomorrow.
- Acceptance Over Judgment – Love and accept your child as they are; it’s the foundation for growth and connection.
- Lead by Example – Model the behavior, mindset, and happiness you hope to see in your child. Avoid hypocrisy.
Len concludes by challenging parents: Imagine your child in 20 years “just like me.” If that thought brings pride, keep going. If not, use these three reminders to course-correct now.