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Hi, friends. Change of drink over here on the side. I got a little piece of wine. I got into the wine thing recently. I never understood it my whole life. I'm like, what is this, like, obsession people have with wine? I don't get it. If we're drinking, let's get drunk. I rather take a shot than drink all this liquid. I guess I grew into it. I'm 27 now. I like the wine thing. It's nice, but. Hello. Hi, friends. I have a lot to talk about this week. My soul's real chatty. There's so much that's been happening and, like, unlocking. I. I have a story about a house that I went to tour by accident and the amount of synchronicities that lined up. You going to gag? I'm going to talk about, like, how I trust my soul and hear it and, like, the things that line up with it too. And also, like, disappointments, because it didn't go how I thought it was going to win. But we'll get there. Ah, okay. What do we want to hit first? Let's say performative personalities. That's something that's been irking the hell out of me is especially performative masculinity. But people's personalities, and when they're being performative, it's one of the most, like. What is it called? Off putting. And, like, it's the thing that makes me want to push people away the most is when I see you performing and with performative masculinity that is running rampant in society, and I want to bash my head into the wall. Like, it's not that bad. I want to bash their head into the wall. But for me, my whole life, I think it might have to do with being gay. And I know a lot of gay people will relate to this and especially women. All women will understand this and get it. But I've always felt weird around men. There's only been a couple of men who I've felt comfortable around. But the whole performative masculinity thing, I see it and the way that it's been breaking down in my mind is it relates to the whole thing of, like, me having a little spiritual experience of a partner that I'm supposed to meet a guy. I talked about it in the last episode. You need to watch these in order because shit's nuts. But since opening up to a relationship, not that I've met the guy, but, like, opening up to the possibility of a relationship, the type of guy that I'm going to need is masculine. Like truly masculine, not masculine where he's performing it. That's the type thing that makes me feel very uncomfortable. And it's like that fragile sense of a man where you feel like you have to dull yourself or like pull back and draw back. And that's how it feels like. For me personally, I always get weird around men. Well, I used to. And I always thought it was about being gay. And it's not. Straight men are supposed to be the more masculine ones in every situation. That's the way everybody just kind of assumes it's gonna go. I'm the opposite of that. I'm always the more masculine one. Even though I'll sis it up. But you make a joke, make a hehehaha. Anytime I'm around men, it's so obvious. And it's not just that I look and am built a certain way. That's part of it. I'm six, seven, I'm muscular, I'm a. And everybody feels safe with me because they know I'll protect them physically, financially. I pay for my girls. When I'm out with my girlfriends, they don't pay for nothing. I make men feel very, very threatened because I'm gay. But I do not let my responsibilities as a man slip or fall. And that is the mind fuck. And it's always caused this weird like dynamic with other men. It's like I always felt so uncomfortable and had to dim myself down or like dull it down a bit or at times I felt like in the past, years ago I would have to like sis it up extra so they felt less intimidated or would be less weird. But the reason when I say dull it down, my issue with masculinity is always because of a connection that I have. So like with my mom, for my stepdad, for me to have any kind of challenge present in him, for him to feel challenged by me at all was a threat to my connection with my mom. I had to stay in good standing with every man because I was close with women. Like with my sister, certain relationship she's in, it's just a weird thing between men. And I would always feel like I had to dial things back because when I show up and there's men in the room, if you're cool with me, we're going to be the best of buds, bro. We going to have like the best time. If you're someone who is performatively masculine, you will feel naked. And people start doing all kind of weird around me. Like they start trying to over play themselves. Like they talk about how much money they make. They try and like, do the whole over masculinization thing and like, try and be like having a physical altercation. You're going to lose. Okay? And I always felt like I had to, like, dial it back and protect the situation from going there because if it ever came to a point of like a challenge actually was going to happen, it would impact my relationship with the woman that I cared about. Friends, my sister, my mom, any woman in my life. I've always felt like I have to like, do this weird dance with the men in my life because there's so many people who are performatively masculine. And when you have someone who's truly with the in front of you, it like flares that up and they start acting real weird. My whole life I've always heard, I don't know why they act like that around you. It's just a thing. I. I don't know how else to word it, but it's just the performative is kind of how it makes sense in my brain. It's not my fault you're insecure and acting weird. And I'm no longer bending myself and like wavering because that's what's gonna block me from meeting the guy I'm supposed to meet. And I notice, like, my energy shifts as soon as a man walks into the room like a straight guy. Whenever they walk into the room, I always think their energy is weird. Mine shifts and I've started to notice it, like, as I've woken up to my body, I'll either tense up because, like, I'm ready and not tense up, like I'm ready to fight, but, like, it's like a weird dominance thing with men. And a lot of women do not understand that this goes on, especially with straight men. Men have a weird thing with respect. And anyone who knows anything about prison, has dealt with a felon, has dealt with anybody who's been to prison. They can explain this to you better. With men, there is an unspoken underlying form of communication where you are kind of big dick in each other and nobody knows. It's clear in front of everybody's face. When it comes to the handshake, when you meet somebody, when it comes to the eye contact, when it comes to watching your movements and the way that you do. We're sizing each other up. That's how it is. That's just. There's a whole other nature and aside to this and people don't know about it and I never hear people talk about it. So I would like, to talk about it as someone who can hang in a room with all straight men and someone who can hang in a room with. I don't want to hang in a room with all gay people. They annoying. Like, if everybody's cool, we're cool, but, like, they're too performatively, like, the opposite. And it. It, like, it's a hard thing to balance and navigate, but there is this whole unspoken language that men speak that is a problem. And if you ever notice a problem between two men just start out of nowhere. It's not out of nowhere. There's an underlying communication being had between men, and that's just something people need to wake up to. And I don't think anyone else can talk about it besides men, but I don't think men know how to explain that, because men who are, like, having podcasts and men who are, like, spiritual are usually pussy. They can't hang in that dynamic. They don't have the strength and, like, the wherewithal and the knowledge to talk like that. It's a whole hidden communication between mean, real men. Like, actually masculine men have that weird dynamic. And performatively masculine men are too obvious about it. It's like, there's so many situations. I don't know why I want to keep talking about this, but there's so many situations where, like, you'll do that thing with a guy. Like, when I meet you, we see who's gonna break first. It's like, who's gonna hold eye contact longer or who's gonna size who up. And when you meet someone who's actually masculine as a man, we'll do the thing where you, like, have that unsmoking communication. And then if you match each other and neither of you bend, it's usually like, a little, like, you smile and you throw your head up. It's like an acknowledgement. You do your head down of, like, I see you. Like, we respect each other. You know what I mean? The fragile ones would want to turn it into an issue. But when you truly meet somebody who's, like, with it, it's different, and it's just like a respect thing. And then you could become, like, best friends, like, all my friends who are like that. It started like that. It's gotta come with respect, though, because even though I'm gay, I'll still mop the floor with you and I'll still pay for your. So that's a weird dynamic. I'm not disrespectful about it, but I want to talk about this because all gay men feel very, very uncomfortable around straight men. And there's a big thing going on with my social media. It's like straight men have found me and they love me, and they're like, why the do I love this guy? It's because I make them feel safe. When you can allow a man to not have to perform masculinity, that's when they relax and feel safe. They. They're safe to like me. And they know it because, like I said, I'm more of a man than most men. Just because I'm gay don't mean my responsibilities as a man fall. I'm Albanian. I'm old school. My values and morals are going to stay that. And when people who have to perform masculinity are around someone like me who don't give a damn, like, we going to be. Who we going to be. We going to hang out, we going to talk. You can sit up with me, you can relax around me. And I. You're not my type. Like, I'm not into the type. People who like me that are straight and I mean the ones that are performative with the masculinity. But that's the thing. I've been noticing it and observing it. I need to take a sip of my wine. It's just sitting here. But the thing that made me think of that, not me chugging it by accident, the thing that made me think about the whole performative masculinity thing is someone in my last episode commented, performative stress, and I was like, wait, gag. That's so funny. Because, like, we stress ourselves out and it's just performative. Like, you have to convince other people you're stressed out or you have to convince yourself that you're stressed out so you feel productive. A lot of people can't relax and feel safe to do that. They have to, like, be doing or, like, stress out mentally so they feel like they're being productive. It's like performative productivity and performative stress. And then that unlocked, like, the whole performative masculinity thing. And truly masculine people are not gonna be intimidated by other men. And that's something I had to realize with the guy that I'm gonna be with. Whoa. I just said that by accident. It is gonna happen. My body knows it. The guy I'm gonna be with, it's. I can't have that, like, energy shift when I meet him. And I have to not have my energy shift preparing for other people's. It's like, true masculinity is Gonna stand there and it's not gonna waver. I'm gonna be who I am. And I've been doing that. I am who I am. And no matter what room I walk in, I don't chameleon myself anymore. I used to do that all the time. Like, if I walked into a room and nobody knew me, I would chameleon like I was straight. Just to feel out the vibe of the room before you let it be known or before you do something. Because people do treat you different. If you're gay, you got to hide it a little. I used to feel like I did, but the more that I've just relaxed into it and I don't give a damn. I'm not shifting my energy. True masculinity don't shift. It's like I look at it like being a lighthouse. Like you're standing there. I'm a standard. I'm a shine my little light. And no matter what wave crashes into me, I'm still shining my little light. I don't give a damn. I'm not falling down. So whoever wants to fight about it, get mad about it, cry. But I've noticed the interactions that I'm having with men in life now are not so ego driven. I'm not like, flaring up people's like, performative masculinity because I make them feel safe to just, like, chill out. Because I'm not rigid, I guess I'm not being, like, performative. It's not even being performative. It's like I'm not putting a wall up just like, for protection. It's like I'm just being myself and letting the truth of me be shown. If I intimidate you, so be it. Now, my problem, it's not intentional. And I think that's the thing now where it's like, very clear. It's like I just relax. I'm good. It's not intentional. If I intimidate somebody, they're inspired to ask questions. It's like, so weird, the shift that's happened and how quick it mirrors in the external weird boots. But one more thing I want to talk about random as hell. And then we're going to get into the story about the house. Oh, my God. Yeah. I don't know how to really word this. It's like, goes along with the performative kind of trend that I've been noticing. It's like performative victimhood. And it's not performative like you're a victim. You're cry to be. It's like, just an example. Someone who is in a bad relationship or they're in a toxic relationship. Let me use the example. Me and you are both friends with somebody. Let's name them Fiona. I don't know, Fiona, she gonna be a dumbass, okay? He goes, fiona, she's in a toxic relationship. Or Fiona, it could be a guy, it could be a girl. Who cares? Fiona's over here in a toxic relationship. We're all three friends. Me and you are over here watching this shit be so awful. And she comes to us about her problems. She is always talking about how bad it is, but how much she loves this person she's with. So she just keeps going back. And every time she goes back, she gets hurt. And then we have to pick her up and be there for her. Her sense of connection to us is to do with being the damsel in distress. So Miss Fiona over here. It's like Fiona keeps running into the deep end of the pool and she don't know how to swim. And me and you are sitting here, we trying to have a beach day. We trying to relax. We trying to tan. We have. Trying to have a good time. Me, you, and Fiona. And Fiona's dumb ass keeps running to the pool. As soon as we don't have our eyes on her, she goes running to the pool. Because what happens? We come running after her to save her. Or if she jumps in, we jump in and get her and we save her. Okay? The level of exhaustion it takes for me and you to have somebody like Fiona in our life, this is like an incessant, very draining dynamic. This person Fiona over here, she knows don't go in a ward yet. She knows it. Let's say she's allergic to the fucking water, whatever it is. Because to say, oh, you could just learn how to swim. No, she's allergic to this water. Every time she gets in it. She don't know how to swim. Anna gives her hives, okay? She just keeps running into this damn pool. I just love it so bad, you guys, you have no clue. And me and you over here, sitting here, we cannot relax while Fiona is in our life. While we love Fiona and care about her, we cannot relax. Because anytime we sit down at this little pool, anytime we do not have our attention a hundred percent on her, she's throwing herself back into danger. Now the dynamic with somebody like Fiona is gonna flip because we're gonna be constantly running to save her, trying to talk to her. This is why you shouldn't go back. This is why you shouldn't go jump in a wad. Yeah, Fiona, why you keep going? We could sit here and talk till we're blue in the face. We're going to be there for her. We're going to go save her. And she's getting a big sense of connection. She's getting a weird childhood wound, parented by having somebody like us look after her because we're. Our attention is on her 24 7. And she takes it as the reassurance that we love her. A lot of people get caught up in these dynamics, and I've been in them before, and I want to give this example. So cutthroat and just straight up, because people need to quit with this. So somebody like Fiona going back to this water, going back to this toxic relationship or whatever the hell she's doing, she knows she don't need to be doing. She's allergic to Hawaii, Keeps running back to it. Me and you are going to get so fed up one day because we cannot live our life. We can't enjoy anything because our attention is stolen by Fiona. She's a liability. And our love for her will turn to frustration and just, like, annoyance because we're like, no matter what we do, we could chain this down to this tanning chair, and she's still gonna bite her way through and go jump into. Yeah, we don't get a minute to relax. Fiona's way of feeling connected to us destroys us and ruins our entire life. So there's gonna come a day where we say, you know what, Fiona? Jump in. And we're going to throw our hands up, and that's the day Fiona is going to walk up to the edge of that pool, look back, and be like, wait, nobody's coming to save me from hurting myself. Nobody's coming to. Wait. What? Her sense of connection will be severed, and she ain't going to jump back in that fucking pool. People play stupid like they don't know what they're doing. Fiona got a lot more out of that whole dynamic of jumping back into the toxic relationship and jumping back into that deep end of the pool of the water she's allergic to, then just going into that. She didn't love that water. She didn't love that relationship. She loved how connected she felt and how looked after and safe she felt when we had our full attention on her to protect her from it. That performative victim. I can't stand it. And anybody, if you notice and you can recognize, oh, my God, I'm doing that. Don't do that, because it will make People hate you. Like, the love will turn to hate because we can't rest, we can't relax. And you taking your parental issues and trying to make other people parent you and look after you is not fair, okay? So if you notice, you do that, cut the shit out. And if you notice you're someone in this analogy sitting next to me and we got to deal with this person, let them go. Because they're not stupid. That's the biggest thing to get. They'll wake up as soon as you say, okay, Fiona, go ahead. She ain't jumping in the water. And if she does jump back in one more time, it will be her last time because she will have to claw herself out. She's not gonna die. It's not gonna be something where they go back and, like, it's destroyed and, like, they never come back. Nothing bad's gonna happen. They've been in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out. They know how to get in and out. At this point, they will go back maybe one more time, but she'll climb her outside that water and then realize, wow, and stop going back. Your people's safety blanket. Sometimes for them to be stupid and to avoid responsibility for what they're doing, but it's for the subconscious reason that it makes them feel closer to you and it makes them feel loved. That's their way of feeling loved. And it's not their fault, because that's something that they've learned and it's probably subconscious. But I just wanted to talk about this because everybody deals with friends or family members in dumbass relationships where they just keep going back. You just gotta take the leash off. It's like trying to hold back a dog who just keeps trying to run. You gotta just let it go. You gotta see your life is spent just resisting them and holding them back. If they want it so bad, let them go. I'm not saying go let your dog run off, but you get my point of the analogy. This is about people going and doing that you can't protect them from because they just want to do it. But I just want to talk about that from the friendship dynamic because it's exhausting and it's not your responsibility. So if you got a friend like Fiona, let the jump in the pool. I'll be sitting right here with you. We'll be having some wine. We'll be laughing because she gonna jump right back out. Be like, what the hell, guys? What? Why? I'll be like, what? You learned your lesson this time? Cool. Come Sit down. Okay, now let's talk about the house story. The amount of synchronicities about this whole situation is absolutely insane. So I talked about the whole thing with the performative masculinity. That kind of came to my head after the whole dynamic with, like, I believe that the guy out there. There's a guy out there for me that exists perfect for me. No, you can't have I kill you over him. But I trust that a guy out there for me does exist and we're going to meet, okay? I can feel it. And that's when any block that I have to it is coming up. So, like, the masculinity thing, I can't bend my energy because I got to meet him in who I am. He's gonna love me for who I am. I'm gonna love him for who he is. We can't be doing that whole, like, energy shifting energy dance, okay? We gotta show up, straight up how we are, and that's what it's gonna be. So with that, I have been, like, open to things happening and kind of listening to my soul, and this little motherfucker has been taking me on some wild ride. But it's kind of cool because every limiting belief is cracking itself like an egg. It's just like they're all cracking and dropping out. I'm like, okay, cool. So other day, I spent the day as the version of myself who has a certain amount of money in his bank account. And I was like, okay, if I was Leo with this amount of money, what would I be doing? And I was looking around my house now, and I was like, I will be looking for a new house. So I get online, I have my old, like, login to this website from my old realtor where I can go in and see all the houses nobody else could see. So I go on this website and I just put on some music and I'm just like, in my bed perusing these little houses and I'm like, I don't know why I'm looking for houses, but okay. And then I find this one house. It is the most me house I've ever seen in my life. I went to the Versace mansion for my birthday. It is my own version of the Versace mansion. Because the Versace Mansion, I love the vibe of it. I love the detail and everything. But it's all, like, brown wood and, like a more Roman look. I like a little bit more gothic and black wood, but still, like, glam, like opulent, like the old school shits. I like that vibe like a castle. And so I find this house, all the trim of the house is black. All of the wood accents are black wood. The whole kitchen, black marble kitchen, but not this modern where everything's square and like Kim Kardashian's house. I don't like that vibe. I like it for other people. Cool. It's pretty to look at. I don't feel comfortable. I feel like I can't fart. I feel like I can't even like be a human being in a house like that. Like, God forbid I spill something. Oh my God. I feel like I can't live in it. I like a house where I can relax a little, you know, I like the 90s, 80s, 70s houses, but like, sickening. So this house is $1.2 million. I don't know who I think I am over here, like looking at a 1.2 million dollar house. But I was like, you know what, the Leo with this amount of money in his bank account that I'm trying to like line up with. Yeah, he would afford that. He would like to go look at this house. So I was like, you know what? Let me go text my realtor and go see the house. So I text my realtor and I was like, hey, girl, can we go see this house? I could afford it if I didn't have this house, but it would stress me out beyond life. I'm very weird about money. I'm very like you. I've talked about money in the past. You'll understand my relationship with it. I'm very strategic with money and I'm very like, whatever. I'm trying to learn a whole new, like, relationship to it. But I'm like, you know what? This house, something feels right. So I'm like, you know what? I'm go look. So I text my realtor, we go see the house. The next day I see the house, we pull up a gated community. Nice boots. And I'm in Texas. So like a 1.2 million dollar house is insane here in LA. A million dollars will get you a shoebox. That's why I don't live there. And 50% tax. Go yourself. So we're pulling up to the house. Three car garage. I didn't notice that before. I was like, wow, three car garage. Okay. Because I have two cars right now and I want to get a truck. But if I went and bought a truck right now, I'd have all three. All of a sudden this house got three cargo bars. Okay, nice. And it's like tall, nice. Like everything would fit so easily. I didn't notice that on the listing. I wasn't looking. We pull up to the fucking front of the house. There's black steel spiked gates around the whole house. That is my dream. I've always wanted a 12 foot spiked fence around my entire house. Like a little sanctuary. But if you try and jump over it and you fall on it, you're going to impale yourself and die. Cuz if you make it over, I'm shooting you so you can get stuck like a little shish kebab. Or I can shoot you. You can pick your deal. You know what I mean? But I just love the vibe of like a nice scary house. That's something. Always has been on my wish list. So I walk up to the door. There's a lion head gold on the black front door. And it's a old school turnkey. Not like the digital keypad. I don't like that. People can hack that with the wi fi. So it's like a old school like key for the house. And it's a gold handle, gold lock on everything. Ah. So we walk in the house. Black marble, red marble floors. Sickening. And right to the, like when you walk in the door to the right is the dining room. The coolest dining room I ever seen in my life. Gold wallpaper already installed for me. All the trim is black, the coffee table's black. And there's a table in that room like toward the back that I have saved. It's from the 70s. It's a black and gold table, black lacquer. And I've saved this table like four different times over the past three years. I've always loved it. But I couldn't find one that wasn't stupid expensive. And it was in the house. I was like, what the hell? Next to that table there's another little like cabinet thing and it has a little lion statue. I have that exact lion statue and I got it from a vintage store. It was like 200 bucks. It's like a little lion. It's like all bashful, like it looks all cute. It's the exact lion that I have. It's not one that you buy off Amazon. It's nothing like that. It's like a marble lion. I don't know if it's marble or not, but like it's just sitting and it's not something common. So it's not like, oh, you just like Amazon prime day and everybody got the same decoration. It's not no CB2. Okay. So I'm like, wow, my little lions over here. And my table I've been wanting is over here. So we go walking around the house. I walk through the kitchen. Everything's nice. Nice and black. Oh, black cabinets, black marble. Sickening. I walked to the living room. The side tables in the living room are two side tables that I've also saved for three years. The side tables are $5,000 for the pair. And they both sit in there in my face. And I asked the realtor, I was like, hey, if I buy the house, can furniture come with it? And he was like, yeah, anything's up for negotiation. I was like, perfect. I got two side tables and the coffee table in there. What else am I gonna want? Because the decor of it was, like, very me. So, like, with me looking at houses, everything is usually, like, the structure of it. The way that it's built is wrong. This house, the structure was right. The decorations were not right. So that's the easy part for me. I could decorate and match it to the structure of the house. Every detail, every piece of, like, hardware or, like, metal is gold. All the bathrooms, all the faucets, the showers, the trim for everything, gold. The toilets, black with gold. Little, like, pusher things when you flush it. Everything black and gold. The master bathroom, everything, black marble, gold. It's sickening. Like, the structure of the house, the way that it was built was so me and I usually have the opposite problem. Like, this house. I don't like the structure of the house. It doesn't matter how much I decorate and put my vibe on it and change certain things. If I don't renovate, it's never going to be what I want, and I don't want to put that much money into it. You know what I mean? I'm like, let's just buy a new house. And I was thinking this, like, just for, like, an idea. But after seeing this house, I'm like, gag. So it's huge. I think it was, like, 4,000 square feet. Like 4,200, something like that. I'm like, gag. Ceilings, high. Boots. Ah. Everywhere. The ceilings were high. So I'm obsessed with this house. I walk outside to the back patio. I've always wanted a fountain at my house. There's a giant fountain in the middle of the backyard, and there's a mirror at the, like, back fence of the backyard. A mirror outside is very me. I have mirrors everywhere. Y'all know I have a thing for mirrors. I love them. There's two mirrors outside. I'm like, what? I love it I go back inside. I go walking around everywhere. Upstairs is all carpet. It's four bedroom house. So the upstairs is all carpet. I'm like, okay, I'm gonna rip all this carpet out and put leopard carpet across the whole thing. Because they have some crazy kind of like plaid carpet up there. No, but all the details of everything were gold. Perfect. Like, so me, I go back downstairs. There's two office areas. There's like, one. I love stained glass windows. There's an office area that has a stained glass window. And the whole room is red. But it's not like it's like a rusty red. It's like a deep. Or like a. What's it called? Like a. It's not a wine red. It's like a light rusty red. But the way that the light came in through the little, like, stained glass windows that made it look like the Versace mansion in that room. And it had a little window sill with, like, a little bed on it. Always wanted one of those. I'm like, this will be my new recording room. It had a fireplace in it. I have a thing for fireplaces. There's fireplaces in both offices and my bedroom and upstairs. And the bookcase upstairs in the second living room is all black already. Ah. So the first little office with the red. I'm like, sick thing. That'll be like a filming room, an actual office. Then there's like a second office. Or it could be, like, it's big enough where it could be a second little, like, living room. I'm like, okay, T. I'll ventilate that. I'll put the ceilings that have, like, the ventilation. So I could be my smoky room. I'd be. I have like, the big living room in the middle. And then at the front of the house, there's like a separate little room. It had curved windows, like, rounded. I've always loved that. My favorite thing in the house, that little room. I'm like, perfect. I'll ventilate it. Put a nice little sofa, nice little second living room. I'm absolutely loving it. And I just, like, feel like, whoa. And I knew this house was gonna be a lot of work. It gave abandoned vibe a little bit, but I like that. Scary. My favorite. I love to feel scared. I don't feel scared about nothing. That's why I used to like to get so high, like with weed. Like, as soon as you get that paranoia. Oh, I was in. I love to get scared. I get startled. Easy. Like, if there's a noise, it'll startle Me, I'm like, ah. Like, I get ready, I get ski. But I'm talking, like, where you get so scared you, like, have to run and jump to your bed. I love that. I don't feel that ever. Ah. So when I could, like, have that, I like it. Like, I like to scary house. So I knew it's going to be like a little bit of a project. And I'm like, you know what? I'm kind of down for it for some reason. Like, I kind of like it. I would be down. I'm over here running around like, I got the fucking money to buy the house and then to put $300,000 into it, to renovate it. I'm over here living like, future Leo. I'm like, okay, we'll see what happens. So I all of a sudden have to piss real bad. It felt like an energetic release in a way. Like a. Like a. It's a flush. Like, when you piss, it's a flush. But if I have, like a different tune into my body now, I told you all about it in the last episode. It felt like a little energy release for a second. Because when I was in this house, I had zero doubt that this was possible. I didn't know how, but I just felt like it was so possible. It felt like, so easy. And I see the furniture and I see the stuff in it, and I'm like, there's so many little things that are so me. There was two, like, what's it called? Like, rock. What that? Like stone. Two fish made of stone. Like making the Pisces symbol in the front walkway when you walk up. Okay. There's so many little synchronicities, so many things lining up. And I was like, I have to piss. So I told my realtor. He was like, let's go look at the garage. I was like, okay, you go look at the garage. And I'm gonna go look at the master bedroom one more time, girl. I went to go piss, and I felt like I was marking my territory in a way. But I go piss in the master bathroom, and I felt like I had seen that before. It was weird. I had seen me pissing in that toilet before. Black toilet. Nice Go to Hando. So it was just like a weird moment where I was like, okay, this feels too weird. Give me a sign. Like a clear, absolute sign. This is meant to happen. I can already feel it. I know. I feel very in alignment right now. I can tell when I'm in alignment and out of it very clear easily now. And I'm like, I know. I feel so in alignment right now. I don't have to ask for a sign, but I want one. I want you to put something in my face that I can't ignore. So I walk out of the bedroom, and my realtor is in the kitchen. He was like, leo, I need you to come see the garage real quick. And I was like, okay. He was like, real serious about it. And I was like, all right. So I go walking out to the garage. He goes, open the door. I said, why you setting me up like my paranoid ass? I was like, why? He looked, like, real scared. Like, scared boots to open the garage door. I was like, did you go in it? He's like, yeah, you're gonna get a kick out of it. I was like, okay. So I start opening the door, and I rear back. Like, my body reacted because there's somebody standing in my face. And it was a witch. It was a Halloween decoration, life size, looking at me eye to eye. Six foot seven witch. I rear back to crack that. I was scared. I got startled. I liked it. I was like, what the. And my realtor starts laughing at me. I'm like, whoa. And then I open the door, and there's like eight different or like six or eight different life sized Halloween decorations. And there's like, a witch. The second one I see is a Medusa, right? There's like, a prisoner. There's a couple other ones, just really, really weird Halloween decorations. And I like them. I like Halloween. It's my favorite holiday. And I was like, okay. The whole garage was full of, like, you could barely walk around. So I was like, okay, cool. And I was about to turn around and walk out, like, okay, I've seen the garage. It's full of. So something told me to step forward, and I was like, I'm just gonna pay attention to it. So I just, like, start stepping forward a little bit. And I got, like, the whole staircase thing to go up into the attic of the garage was down. So it was blocking my entire view. And there was boxes stacked up. So something was like, walk around it. My realtor's outside. He's scared boots. So I'm just, like, walking around, being a little nosy. I'm kind of like, what the. Just taking it all in, looking at everything. When I come around the corner where the stairs were down, there is a painting right in, like, right across from me, right in my face. I'll insert a photo of it because remember how I talked about the baptism thing and how that whole experience was when I went to Miami. It was a guy, shirtless, sitting with his hands up, like surrendering a little bit. And it was like water falling all around him. It looked like me. He was not in as good of shape in the painting, but I was like dark hair, dark eyes, dark facial, like so symbolic. It literally was the baptism that I just went through. And it's a hand painted thing and it's just like sitting there across the like way that I was looking sideways. And when I saw it, full body chills. I knew that was a sign because when I was asking for my sign, I said make it so undeniable in front of my face. And it was in front of my face. That immediate moment wiped out any doubt that this house was possible. I was like 100, all the angels out of spirit guy, God himself, my soul, everybody on board, everybody gonna make it happen. I don't have to force nothing. Everything lining up literally blew away any doubt that I have for my reality to fix around what I want this quickly. I was like, there's no doubt that this is possible and I'm gonna get this house if I'm meant to get this house. So being nosy as I am, I walk up the little steps. Rickety, dickety, scary. I'm 240 pounds. I'm like, if anybody's gonna break it me. So I'm real careful. I'm in my timberlands always, you know, I'm always ready. And I'm walking up the listees to go to the attic. And I didn't go all the way up. I just peeked my head so I could turn around and look. I've seen that attic before, 1,000%. I don't know where, how or what the. But the way that the sun was coming in the one little window and it was like the whole attic. And it was up to a point like a. A shape. I'd seen it before. I've seen that attic before. And that was like a confirmation. I was like, okay, I'm getting down. This house is possible. I have zero doubt about it. Okay. The thing was, when I left, I was like so happy that I was like any belief I had that, that it wouldn't work was blown out the water. Like I felt so in alignment. I felt so good. I was like, this is possible if I want it, mother. The fact I was like, I'll make it happen, but I'm not doing the whole force it thing. I'm not forcing nothing in life no more. If it's meant to happen, it'll Happen. I, weirdly, when I left, had no urgency to put in an offer and I went home and I was like, okay, it's possible. Weirdly, I don't feel an urge to put in an offer or to start calling my business managers to say, hey, how could I get a mortgage for that house? Do I qualify with my current income? I'm pretty sure I would. I'm like, with what I have in cash and I wouldn't be able to pay the whole thing off. But like, with everything we got, could I get approved? I don't want to start messaging them that felt forced to start, like reaching out and asking them and start moving around money and trying to sell real quick or like, list my house for sale. I was not doing none of that. Old me would have done that 100. I'd have been so anxious and scared and like, I have to do it because I wouldn't trust that it would line up. But I'm like, I don't feel an urge to make a move. So I'm not going to. I'm just gonna trust it, whatever. Because I don't really want to stress about that. I don't really want to have to put that on myself. You know what I mean? That would be a lot. So I was like, you know what? It was meant to be. It'll be when my soul is ready to make a move. It'll make the move after like two days. I was sending an email to my business managers about some updates of some things, some things that I bought and like the new manufacturer that I'm working with for the clothing line. That's like a monthly thing that I'm paying them. I was like, hey, let you know that's a business transaction. So it's a write off business expense. So I'm like updating them on that. And then something at the end of the email was like, hey, so I found this house for like 1.2 million. I would love to get on a call and like discuss options for it and like, see where we stand, see what could happen. I felt the urge to throw that in the bottom of the email. So I sent it. I feel like I need more wine before I keep going. Hang on, I'll be right back. I'm gonna go get more. You want anything? Okay. A key piece of this story. The other day when I was at the store, I got a weird intuition soul moment of buy a bottle of champagne. I don't know why, I don't even have champagne glasses. But something was telling me before I even saw the house. Something was telling me, buy a bottle of champagne. I walked by it in a store and I was like, no, I'm not gonna get it. I walked off and my body full throttle was like, turn the around. So I walked over and I got it. I was like, okay, whatever. There was something to celebrate. Gonna be coming soon is all I kept hearing and feeling. There's gonna be something to celebrate very soon. So I'm like, okay, I don't know what it is. I don't need to know. I'm not going to stress myself out trying to figure it out. I'm going to buy the champagne. My soul wants to go shopping now. My soul wants to buy liquor. Okay, here's your champagne. So I get the champagne and I come home and I put it in the fridge. I don't think nothing about it. Two days after I put it in the fridge is when I started getting the little urge to look for the house. And I found the house and I was like. After I sent the email, I was like, wait, is that what the champagne was? I don't know. Whatever. The next day comes, I'm feeling real good. I feel like what I think is possible is totally different. Like, I feel free in a way. Like so many limiting beliefs were dropped by so many things lining up in that house where I felt like it was so supported and could happen that I was like, hey, T, this could happen with no effort. Like, the way that things have been going, this can happen very easily. So I randomly go check my PO Box. The only people who know my PO Box and send me stuff is the people on my sub stack. I like it to keep it private. I don't want to be overrun with. If you want to join the sub stack family, I'll leave a link in the description. It's like the private thing where I go live and I talk about the clothing brand updates. And also I go live and just have cigarettes each other. We hang out, we talk. Anytime there's something going on, we talk about it. They're private it. But the Substack family has the address for the PO Box. And somebody sent me something and I first, there's an artist on Instagram, a tattoo artist who made me a painting. Huge, big, sickening boots. I'll insert a photo, too. If you're watching this on YouTube, it's a Medusa. So sick. And it has a gold frame, but it's like the exact vibe for the house that I was looking at for this house. It wouldn't go this house is too modern looking for that painting. But that painting would go exactly perfect and match the exact vibe of the scaly house with the golden black and everything. So I'm like, whoa. No. This guy messaged me, and I've been talking to him. He said he was gonna paint me something. Okay, cool. But I didn't get the package of the painting until now, and it actually got delayed. He told me. So I was like, whoa, this lined up. Cool. I'm like, did I just get a decoration for my new house? Because, like, it could go in here, but it would go better in that house. You know what I mean? So I was like, wait, this is cool. Lighting up. And then I get another box in the P.O. box, and I'm at home, and I'm opening them. I open the painting first. Gag. Sickening. Love it. It. I opened the second box. Somebody sent me champagne glasses. I've never talked about needing them. I've never talked about nothing. And I just bought the champagne, and the glasses were just provided for me. The other thing about the glasses is they fit the exact vibe of the new house. The person wrote on the note, just thought, you would love these. They go with your vibe. It was so sweet. Like, I love it. And it gagged me, the timing of it, because I just bought the champagne, and I'm like, no way. Like, this house finna be mine. But my sister was here, so we're hanging out, we open all this shit together, and we're both just, like, in shock because I've told her about this whole process. I'm like, what the hell? And then we're talking about my clothing line, and the first thing that I'm launching is a T shirt. Sickening. You'll see. It's like an introduction from going from merch to clothing brand. Like, we're taking it there, and I want to give you, like, a little teaser. It's gonna be a very limited shirt, but they're from Turkey. But I'm talking to my sister. I'm like, I was online the other day looking at houses, and I saw this one that was like, $60 million. And I was like, it was so sickening. When we do a photo shoot for the shirt, I want to do something sickening. Maybe I can get my realtor to go let us in that house. You know what I mean? Like, if I, like, pay him under the table or something. So I go back onto the website where all the houses are at the little one. My realtor let me in, and I'm trying To find this house. And when I'm scrolling past my saved properties, I see the house that I went and toward is active, under contract. So somebody's buying it. I did not skip a beat because of what happened the night before. I had like a whole little come apart, like, soul moment. But I see that the house is under contract, and I'm like, oh, well. And I keep scrolling, fully unfazed, no emotional reaction, no panic or sense of loss. And I'm just like. I kind of stopped and was like, wait, why do I not give a. I'll tell you in a second. But then I go find the big house and I show her. I'm like, oh, whatever. And I just go on about my day. The house is still under contract. I don't give a damn. Because the night before this, I had, like, a weird moment of doubt about the house. I was like, is this gonna happen? But it wasn't even like, am I questioning if it would happen? I was questioning what it was going to take from me. I was asking myself, do I really want a house that's going to be a project? Like, I'm going to have to put a lot of money into it and renovate it and, like, it will be what I want it to be and more, but it is going to be a project from hell. So I was like, you know what? If it's meant to come to me easily, if I'm meant to get the house and it's meant to be a fully smooth process, I want it. I'll accept it. If it's gonna be a headache, I don't want it. If it don't come with ease, I don't want it. If I have to force for it, it let it go. And I kind of like declared that to myself. I was sitting in my bed, I had this whole thing. I was like, instead of fearing, worrying, and doubting, I read through the doubt. The doubt wasn't that it was possible. The doubt was, do I really want this? And so I came to the terms that I was like, okay, if it's meant to come with ease, and I ain't got to force nothing, I'll take it. If it's not, I know it ain't meant to be. That next morning is when I saw it was under contract. The relief I felt, because I know 100% it would have been a headache from hell. I'm not worried about it. I'm not. Nothing but the gag of this whole story, it don't stop here. I need to hit the wine. Oh my God. Because what I'm about to tell you. Oh my God, I forgot to swirly. I love doing this like a bougie ass though. But I see the house under contract, don't give a damn. And then I showed my sister. There was this other house that was double the price, $2.4 million. The one I liked was 1.2. Okay, that's the one I toured. That would have been a project. There was a house that I saved. It's kind of like the exact same vibe, just everything times 100. It's like almost 7,000 square feet. It's much smaller bedrooms. It's no renovations needed, no nothing. Like it would be fully perfect livable. And I. All the marble is perfect, all the trim is perfect. This house is so much better. It's got a pool. The other one only had a fountain. This one got a fountain and a pool. And this one is on an acre of land. And it's like this whole. It looks like a castle. Oh, my God. It's also got the scary looking vibe. Even worse. And I love it. Oh, my God. But I just saved that house. The other day when I was looking at the house that I found, I will call it the versace house. The 1.2 million dollar house was the Versace house. I'm looking at that one. Okay, I find the 2.4 house and I saved it. But the day before, so like the day that I got the painting and the day that I saw that this Versace house was under contract, the day before that, I went back to look for the 2.4 house and it was gone. The listing was gone. It said it had been removed. I was like, did it sell? I didn't know. So I'm like, oh, whatever. When I'm back scrolling through and see the Versace houses under contract, I also see the 2.4 house is back available. And I'm like, what the hell just happened? That does not feel out of reach. I 100% cannot fucking afford that right now. But that first house and all of the alignment that happened, all the little synchronicities and shit, made me 100 certain this will line up. If it's meant to be a 1.2 million dollar house was like huge to me. Until I went. And then I was like, oh, that would easily happen if, like, I trusted it so much. I trusted my soul that much. I'm like, it would happen. It blew past my beliefs and, like raised my threshold. Because for whatever reason, call me crazy, the $2.4 million house don't seem too far fetched. If I never saw the Versace house, I would have never considered the $2.4 million house. I clicked save on it so I could go through and screenshot it. But going to the other house, all the things lining up, feeling that supported and feeling that like anchored into alignment made me believe it could happen. And now I believe the 2.4 million dollar house could happen. I definitely don't know how, but I don't have any kind of like reservation about it. I don't have any anxiety around it. I haven't even toured the damn thing. But I'll keep you posted as it goes. But I want to talk about this whole thing of like, it wasn't a disappointment that I lost the Versace house. It was a stepping stool. And like a stepping stone. It wasn't. It was like a little like springboard for me to get the other one. If I get the 2.4 million house, I would have to be God's favorite, like 27 years old and get a castle. Oh my God, I would die over it. I would die for it. But truly, I feel no disappointment about losing the Versace house because it feels like a full springboard. Like now I feel like the 2.4 million house is achievable. So I'm like, okay, cool, we're gonna go with that. Like, have I lost my mind? Watch me in like a month, be like, hey, friends from the 2.4 million house. I would have to have like a welcoming party. It's so big. Everybody come over. I'll get security, get some nice licking. But Even with the 2.4 house, I don't feel anxiety around it. I'm not forcing it. It's kind of like an idea. And I'm like, okay, cool. I do feel like I'm gonna want to go see it soon. So I will text my realtor, hey, let's go see it. I'm gonna wait till I feel it, but I'll keep you all posted on this whole saga. But I wanted to talk about this specifically because all the alignment that happened and then the disappointment of it going under contract wasn't disappointment because I released it if it was going to be headache. So I want to talk about that. Nobody talks about that. They always talk about, oh, the alignment shits and it just goes perfect. No, sometimes it doesn't, but sometimes it's setting you up for something bigger. So I will keep you posted. But that's all I got for this week. I've rambled Enough. This episode is long enough. I'm gonna go finish my wine. Actually, I'll finish it right now. That's it. That's all we got for this week. Everything you need from me is in the description. If you want to keep up with my social media, my Tick tock, my Instagram, everything is down there. Also substacks down there. I'm gonna be keeping you updated about the clothing launch, but within the next month, the T shirt will be live. So there's only a thousand. So you got to be quick. It's gonna be sickening, but I'll post photos soon. Yeah. If you're listening to this on the audio version, hit the download button. Helps me a ton. Leave me five stars raining and all that. If you're watching me on YouTube. Hey, if you're new, subscribe, girl. What the. Hang out. Hit the thumbs up too. Nope. Oh, my God. I didn't tell you all to comment something last week. Comment A wine emoji. Because we wine assholes now. Maybe I was meant to get a taste for the wine before I get to the big house, you know what I mean? Oh, my castle. Comment. A wine emoji. If you watched it this far and you're still here, because I'd like to see who makes it to the end. Also comment. Let me know what you think. What's going on? West Tea, I'm so excited, but I'll keep you posted. Until then, everybody be safe. Take care of yourself, and I'll talk to you guys next Sunday.