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Podcast Host / Personal Storyteller (1:38)

I'm giggling like I didn't do something bad. Oopsie. Okay, this episode is gonna be real deep, so hold on to your britches. I feel the title is correct. I drank and I got a bag and I don't regret it because of what's transpired. But we gotta talk about it. We gotta get into a lot of things. Change of scenery. I gotta point out first, if you're watching this on YouTube, hey France. I'm in Vegas right now. I'm at the Cosmopolitan. They've been taking real good care of me. They gave me this giant room and this ain't even like the half of it. I posted like a whole room tour on Tick Tock if you want to see. But I flew here to get out of the ice storm that was coming to Dallas. Like there's three inches of ice and a bunch of snow. All this crap and the night before I came here is when I cracked and I drank. I was at, like, 96 days without anything. And the past, like, three weeks, I've been having a lot of urges. Like, a lot of urges to drink and do cocaine. Bad. And I was fine for so long, and then all of a sudden, it, like, ramped up, and I was getting these really bad urges for it. And I was trying to work with the urges because, like, typically when you have an urge for something, it's a sign that you need relief. I absolutely needed relief. There was a lot of things going on where I was just, like, feeling very fucked over by God. I go through this cycle all the time. Everything's just been compounding recently. And I was, like, wanting it. I was just like, I just want to take the edge off for a night and just, like, chill. And the thing that, like, pushed me over to finally just say, fuck it, I'm doing it, is a lot of business things going on. Not good news for me with certain things. My own personal shit. And then I found out my dad is having, like, some health issues, and it stressed me out. And then I found out that my sister was in the hospital. She's fine now. But when I heard that news, I was just like, fuck it. Like, tonight ain't the night I'm not going to sleep. Fucked up in the head. So I didn't go to sleep. I went out with my friend and I drank. And the first shot when I took it, the relief that I felt, oh, my God. Like, it was so nice. Like, it was so nice. I felt like I was finally done being bent over and just, like, by life. I was like, okay, now I got a little bit of lube. Like, I took the first shot, and I was just like, second shot, same thing. Third shot. I'm like, okay, I'm having fun. I'm having a nice time. Like, I feel like things are bearable. I felt like it was justified for me to drink. I finally felt like, okay, I have some kind of, like, upper hand. Not upper hand, but I felt like I could, like, maintain and, like, handle what was going on, because it's like, I just get to set my brain free for the night. That's what it was. It was like, the relief I wanted. I was after it. I wanted it real bad. And I got it. And then it transpired into getting a bag. And I've been wanting it. So I was like, I've been working with the urges. I'm not getting much clarity. I'm just gonna go for it. Like the relief I'm after. Just get it then is how I was kind of like acting toward myself. So I picked up a bag and I felt good being disconnected from myself for the night. I didn't sleep all night. Me and my friends went shopping the next day. And then that night when I went to sleep, the comedown was like, not fun. Typically that's how it fucking goes. But I felt okay. I didn't regret it at all. I didn't regret. I don't want to call it relapsing, but I don't. I don't regret it. I had like such a good time. I got the relief and then I went to sleep and I woke up and I had to pack and get ready and get on my flight to Vegas. So I get here and then the clarity starts cracking me. And it was about time, that time. But after freaking out a little bit mentally, I wasn't really freaking out. I was just kind of like ping ponging back and forth with myself. It's like the anxiety, like the shame that this, the. That is just like, okay, I did it, I wanted it, I got it, I did it. And I felt bad that I didn't feel like I regretted it. That was weird. I don't give a damn. Like, I didn't give a. And I really just, like, acted on it. And then when I stood with myself and was like, yeah, I wanted the relief. I wanted relief from my logical mind. And that is where the clarity started clicking. So to want relief from my logical mind let me know that my logical mind has been so out of alignment and so, like, I'd not been thinking right. My mind has not been a nice place to live for the past couple of weeks. I wasn't trusting my soul. I wasn't trusting God. I kind of like felt like I got robbed of that. It's like when I trusted the most is like when I needed it the most and it didn't happen. And that's been like a constant thing in my life of like, when I've needed shit the most. I've never gotten it. So I see what was going on. Wanting relief from my logical mind was wanting relief from not trusting myself, like, my soul and God. And I felt like it was all up to me. And that's something that I deal with a lot is like, feeling like I'm the only person that will make things okay for me, feeling. Feeling like I'm the only one looking after me in a lot of aspects. And like, I face a lot of Things alone. Everything I have to go through and face, I have to face it alone. Yeah, I have people around me, but you get what I'm saying? Like, y' all get what I mean when I say it's just me at the end of the day, like, when I'm the one having to integrate and go through all this that I'm going through and then deal with business things and everything is like, I have to do it. It's always just me. So, yeah, I have, like, support when I need it, but. But I can't ever escape that alone feeling of, like, holding up my world. That's exactly how it feels. It's like I have to hold up my own world, and I'm the only bastard up under there with my hands on it, like. Like trying to hold it up. And I feel like that when I'm not trusting my soul and I'm not trusting God. So I wasn't. And anybody would need relief from that feeling state eventually. You can't maintain that. And that's a thought process and the mindset that almost killed me a couple times. And it's the reason that I switched my life last year around this time, which is crazy. It's like I feel like I'm in this cycle, and it's like I went in it again. But the thing with doing cocaine again, that's my drug of mistrust. When I don't trust up periods and down periods, like, energy levels with my soul. It's like trusting myself when I feel energized and ready to do shit. And then times where I'm like, okay, chill, take your hands off things. God has to handle some stuff. I stopped trusting that ebb and flow in my energy levels. And I stopped trusting that things were being held for me. I stopped trusting that I'm not the only holding up my world. And I reach for cocaine when I want a boost. Like when I say it's the drug of mistrust, that's. That's it. It's the drug of loneliness, of, like, I'm the only one that can do this. I have to keep running forward if I'm going to be standing here holding this whole world of mine up. I need something sometimes because if I break, everything falls. So I'm like, I felt, like, real fucked over by God a little bit. I did. I did. So I reached for it, and when I did it, I felt like I could handle. I felt like I was like, okay. But it's like a fake, false sense of trust because there's like when you do coke, there's like, an urgency feeling, and it's like there's an alertness, and you feel like you're urgent, and it's like everything's kind of in a hurry. But when there's no progress or things are slow or things aren't working out, when you feel any kind of sense of urgency, if it's real or not, any kind of, like, up feeling is like it's a fake. Productivity is what I'm starting to see about cocaine, and that is what I need. When I feel like I'm not trusting myself during a period where I need to chill and relax, I've come down sick. As you could tell, that's just how the cookie crumble. At this point, when I don't listen to my body, it sits me down. It makes me rest. So after this little bit of clarity started hitting about the cocaine, it built worse, and it got much more stronger. So I felt like we're a little bit relieved because I saw why I was feeling how I was feeling. I saw why I wanted the relief. I wasn't caught up in, oh, I did it. Like, oh, I did drugs again. I drank again. Boo who. I never had, like, a dead set, like, time to do it. And I've had an experience with drugs. I've talked to y' all about it before, where sometimes substances, I think, are the only reason I'm alive. Like, to be able to take some of the edge off at certain points in my life. They're the only reason that I'm still here. If I didn't have something to turn to at some of my lowest moments, I wouldn't have been able to make it through, you know? So I don't demonize drugs, and I don't look at addiction like everybody else. I don't like to speak that whole thing over yourself of like, oh, I'm an addict. I don't like that. It's like speaking your power away. So I want a relief. I got it. And something I've been questioning recently is, like, what is my purpose for being here? I've lost sight of a lot of things about myself, and I was starting to question, like, what the fuck am I here for? Like, at this point, I don't get the purpose of my life. I don't understand why I'm here. Yeah, I've. I can, like, logically try and slap any kind of, like, external proof on it, but I've been questioning, like, why the fuck am I here? You know? And that thought came in my head, I heard, like, a very reassuring. I feel like it was my higher self or like, my soul talking to me, but it was very clearly talking to me. But I thought, why am I here? And immediately something said, God knows. And it made me feel relief a little bit because I don't have to figure everything the fuck out, you know? Then I had this weird, like, feeling of like. Of like a. Not a veil. Like a veil being lifted over my head and. And me seeing and, like, hearing, look how blessed you are. I kind of had to toy with the idea that I am very blessed. I've never felt blessed. I don't look at myself as blessed or lucky. I have never felt blessed in my life. I feel like, with me feeling like I'm the only one holding the world up, it's like, yeah, a lot of things happen by different circumstances and things kind of out of my control. But I've always been like, a egotistical and been like, oh, it's all because of me and my effort. And it's like if I go through things and I get my head smashed in the ground enough, I'm like, okay, yeah, well, I deserve a little something. So whenever I saw, like, a blessing come up or something out of my control go, well, I always just kind of felt not entitled to it, but, like, a little bit of like, yeah, that's the least I could get for the. That I've felt and gone through in my life. Like, I look around and see people. Like, I feel like no one feels what I feel. And nobody goes through what I go through. And nobody sees the world how I do. But I had a moment where my soul forced me to see how blessed I am, because that's the reason I did cocaine, is because I can't see it. And it served me for a long time to not see myself as blessed, but I started to kind of have, like, examples of how blessed I am pop into my head. Like, with the way that certain things have lined up in my life and me being where I am and having what I have and the person that I am, I can't explain it. There's a lot of things I can't explain, and there's a lot of things that actually are not by my own hand. So I had to face that. And then it came with so much grief for me to see that God has blessed me a lot and I am favored because I'm terrified to be favored or to be blessed. That is the number one thing that will scare the out of me if you say things are done for you that you want, but they're not in your control. That makes me go into fight or flight mode. Because if I'm blessed and I don't know why, I don't know how to guarantee it. I don't know how to make sure I keep it. I don't know how to appease God. I don't know how to make sure I don't lose his favor. I hate the feeling of feeling blessed. But this is what this whole experience was meant to show me, I think, is to look around and see you're not alone. Because I started to realize, like, so much was actually not in my hands at all. And a lot of things were by God in the universe and my soul's doing that I couldn't have ever done on my own. Like, I had to recognize that I'm not special enough to have made my life turn out how it is. No matter how much I feel like I've been in control, I'm in control of myself. But the way that things line up and the way that things happen, I had to get humbled and see that I'm actually very blessed. Even though that comes with a lot of fear. It's something I'm supposed to face right now. Like, I have to look at my barriers to being loved and my barriers to feeling blessed. Because feeling cursed leads me to cocaine. And after this whole kind of like, visual and seeing all this, I see why I had to revisit cocaine right now. Because I've always been scared to say, I'll never do it again. I don't leave coping mechanisms out. And cocaine was my one thing that I felt like when God wasn't making sense and things weren't going right and I was getting up and I had to keep going. Cocaine was my one thing that I could lean on that would help me through it. Like, when God was being unfair, it was my one way of feeling like I could falsely level the playing field of, like, okay, you're not gonna me this bad with me not doing nothing in return. It's like, I gotta help myself somehow. That's what cocaine is for me. And the experience that I had a couple of days, like, after doing cocaine, it's like two, three days when I, like, chemically balanced out. I was in the most raw state. And I feel like when I was the most vulnerable, like, my logical mind was not to be trusted, and I was in a very, like, fragile kind of state. It felt like that's when the insight was dropping in because my logical mind wasn't fighting shit. Because I've not been looking at, like, what's really been going on and why I've been feeling, how I've been feeling. I've just kind of, like, been plugging along, and that's how I cope with feeling alone. I'm not going to drop my own world. I'm going to hold it up. I don't know how I used to function doing cocaine. After doing it, I also went through a grief period again because I've just lost my one kind of, like, weapon in my tool belt that I felt like I had. That was my one thing that I felt like I could lean on whenever I needed help or like, when God turned his back on me, I felt like I had something. I can't do that anymore. Like, the way that I felt after that. I don't know how the. I did that for a year straight, every day. Wow. Like, how disconnected I was for myself for that year and how, like, I felt when I just did it again. I see it for what it is so clearly. And I saw how I got to that point. I saw what that drug is for me. I see how false and fake it is because it's a way of dealing with stress that is not mine. And now that I've seen, I am more held than I thought. And someone is actually holding my world up with me. I can't unsee that. It's like, now that I've felt it and seen it, it's like, I gotta see it to believe it type shit. Okay. Like, you can't just tell myself to think I'm gonna believe it. No, I would not be here if I didn't have to learn by experiencing it. I don't trust a lot. Like, I have to experience it myself. I can't fathom how I did that for so long, and I can't fathom doing it again. I promise to myself I will never touch cocaine again in my life. And that was real fucking hard. And that is a big thing for me. And I fucking bawled my eyes out about it because I'm basically committing to letting go of this coping mechanism. It's like, the one way I knew how to help myself, I'm consciously choosing to get rid of it forever. And there's a reason that I haven't committed to never again with any substance. Alcohol. I'm gonna keep that in case I need her again. I don't feel the need to drink, but if I want to celebrate and have fun, okay. I'll drink. But cocaine is my disconnection drug and my isolation feel over by God drug. So I finally felt confident enough to promise myself I'm never going to touch it again. And that's something I haven't done. Because once I give myself my word on something, I will not break it. I don't care what happens. I will never break my word to myself. That's terrifying as. But I'm happy. I'm at this point and I've had. I'm happy that I've given myself my word about coke. I don't see any use for it anymore. And I don't want it. Like, after what just happened and the clarity I see, it's like, that's my drug that blocks me from seeing how blessed I am. And what I need right now is to see that I am blessed and I am favored and I do have support, even though it comes with all the fear of it, of conditional love. And like, I like contracts. And I grew up in a way where everything was kind of contractual and, like, obligation. It's like, I do for you, you do for me. It's like silent contracts of, like, how to maintain love from somebody. When I don't understand why someone loves me, I don't like it. And the same thing applies when I don't feel like I know why I'm blessed. I am scared, I'm terrified, because I don't know how to maintain that. I don't know how to keep that. And like, with people who love me and care about me, it's like with my following on social media, I can't fathom I'm gonna be really honest. I can't fathom why you guys watch me. I can't fathom why you've not given up on me. I can't fathom, like, why you're still here at all. And I'm just being very honest about that. I don't know why people still watch me. I don't know why people still love me. And it's been something that's been itching at me to look at, but I can't look at that because I don't know why. And love that I get that I don't understand makes me terrified, truly. And I'm feeling it, and I feel boxed in by it because I'm seeing it across my life. Like, with certain people in my life. With all of you guys with God, I'm like, I don't know why I'm loved. I don't know why I'm blessed. I'm just having to sit here in the fucking anxiety of it because I know what's going to come out of it is, like, clarity. But that's how I feel right now is very boxed in by fear. That's how I really feel as of right now. Okay. Something else that just made sense in my brain is my relationship with, like, love. Conditional love. For me, I take it any day. I like conditional love, but my whole experience with conditional love is like, okay, this is how to get this thing. I like a contract of conditions. Like, these are the conditions you follow, and this is what you get. Whether it's love, opportunities, business, shit, money. I like clear guidelines and clear agreements. These are the conditions of my love. These are the conditions of a following on social media. These are the conditions of anything. My rising Virgo. I love that. I love it. But now that I'm looking at my life, my biggest heartbreaks and my biggest issues with conditional love have been I've only known conditional love, and nobody upholds their end of the contract. I have logically been the perfect thing for so many opportunities and so many people, and I've done everything I'm supposed to do and more, and they don't hold up their end of the condition. So it's left me to question myself a lot and be like, what the. Like, something must be wrong with me. I've always turned the dagger inward. I don't do that anymore. But I think I'm realizing, like, my whole problem with love is, like, the only love I've never felt or allowed myself to feel is unconditional love. That's one where it's like, you can't do anything to maintain it. But unconditional love means it's not going to go away. And I feel like that's what God's trying to show me is, like, what unconditional love is and feels like. But for someone like me, it feels like drinking poison. But if I also look at my relationship to love forever and my relationship to, like, conditions with anything, I've always held the conditions, and I've gotten. When I haven't gotten other people's other end of the contract fulfilled, it's like nobody was able to hold that side of the contract. So unconditional love is kind of my only route left, because conditional love and conditional contractual with people, it's useless. And that's what's pushed me to this spot. So I guess unconditional love is the new message. It's like the new thing I need to wake up to and see. And I have to see that I'm blessed and see that I'm loved. Even though it scares the absolute dead dog out of me. I think that's what I'm being shown to feel also with myself too. Since we're taking it there, let's just be honest about a lot of things that I feel. Okay. You want to? Yeah, let's do it. I've been having some issues with myself.