Podcast Summary: Aware and Aggravated

Episode 59: "I Drank & Got A Bag..."
Date: February 1, 2026
Host: Aware and Aggravated
Theme: Make Leveling Up Your Natural State Of Being

Episode Overview

In this raw and introspective episode, the host explores a recent lapse in sobriety, confronting the underlying emotions and spiritual lessons behind the decision to drink and use cocaine after nearly 100 days clean. Broadcasting from a hotel in Las Vegas, the episode delves into cycles of coping, isolation, trust, and the frightening vulnerability of feeling blessed and loved. The host examines the paradox of conditional and unconditional love and resolves to permanently leave cocaine behind, seeking to grow beyond old coping mechanisms. Throughout, the tone is candid, vulnerable, and deeply philosophical.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Story Behind the Relapse (01:38 – 08:00)

• Changing environment: Host is in Las Vegas, having left Dallas to escape an ice storm.
• Recent struggles: "The night before I came here is when I cracked and I drank. I was at, like, 96 days without anything."
• Cascading stressors: Business issues, personal disappointments, father's health scare, and sister's hospital visit triggered urges.
• Moment of giving in: "The thing that pushed me over... is a lot of business things going on... my dad is having health issues... my sister was in the hospital... I was just like, fuck it." (03:50)
• Initial feelings: Deep relief and justification—"The first shot, when I took it, the relief that I felt, oh, my God, like, it was so nice. Like, it was so nice." (05:20)
• Aftermath: No regret; instead felt what was needed—"I felt good being disconnected from myself for the night." (07:10)

2. The Real Meaning Behind Using Substances (08:00 – 13:00)

• Seeking Relief from the Mind: "To want relief from my logical mind let me know that my logical mind has been so out of alignment." (08:45)
• Feeling Alone: Despite having people around, there's a core belief—"It's just me at the end of the day, like, when I'm the one having to integrate and go through all this..." (09:50)
• Cocaine as "the drug of mistrust": Turned to coke during times of mistrust in self, soul, or God—"It's the drug of loneliness, of, like, I'm the only one that can do this." (10:40)
• False Empowerment: "It's a fake, false sense of trust... Productivity is what I'm starting to see about cocaine, and that is what I need when I feel like I'm not trusting myself during a period where I need to chill and relax." (12:00)

3. Mixed Attitudes Toward Drugs and Coping Mechanisms (13:00 – 15:40)

• No Demonization: "I don't demonize drugs, and I don't look at addiction like everybody else. I don't like to speak that whole thing over yourself of like, oh, I'm an addict. I don't like that. It's like speaking your power away." (13:55)
• Purpose Questioning: Recent existential questioning—"What is my purpose for being here? I've lost sight of a lot of things about myself..." (14:15)

4. Spiritual Realizations & Blessings (15:40 – 21:20)

• Hearing Inner Guidance: In moments of doubt and purpose-questioning, inner voice reassures: "God knows." (15:45)
• Blessed Yet Uncomfortable: The realization of being blessed feels scary—"I've never felt blessed in my life... I don't look at myself as blessed or lucky." (16:10)
• Grief at Favor: The recognition of being favored brings as much fear as comfort—"Because if I'm blessed and I don't know why, I don't know how to guarantee it. I don't know how to make sure I keep it." (17:25)
• Coping via Cocaine: Cocaine as a "leveling" mechanism when overwhelmed by unfairness—"It was my one way of feeling like I could falsely level the playing field." (18:40)
• Integration after using: "I was in the most raw state. And I feel like when I was the most vulnerable, like, my logical mind was not to be trusted..." (19:25)

5. Letting Go of Old Coping Tools (21:20 – 25:20)

• Permanent Goodbye to Cocaine: "I promise to myself I will never touch cocaine again in my life... I'm consciously choosing to get rid of it forever." (21:50)
• Alcohol vs. Cocaine: Still open to drinking in celebration, but sees cocaine as solely a drug of disconnection.
• Barriers to Love: Struggles with both receiving love and feeling blessed—"I don't know why people still watch me. I don't know why people still love me." (23:00)
• Unconditional vs. Conditional Love: Host prefers clear contracts but acknowledges that only unconditional love will suffice going forward.
• Profound Anxiety: Sits in the anxiety that comes from unexplainable love and blessings.

6. Self-Irritation and the Unique Depth of Feeling (23:31 – 26:50)

• Frustrations with Personal Processes: "I've been very irritated with myself with the way that I am. I have this thing where I feel life deeper than most people..." (23:31)
• Integration vs. Depression: Differentiates between being in depressive episodes and "integration" periods where new spiritual awareness requires time to settle.
• Life Metaphor: Compares personal growth to being a "4K screen" that requires frequent buffering—"I'm a 4K TV, but I do got a buffer more." (25:58)

7. The Necessity of Trust and Acceptance (26:50 – 32:00)

• Integration and Divine Support: "When I'm in these integration periods, it's like God is saying, let me handle the external."
• Surrendering Control: Once host surrenders, positive changes start aligning without intervention—"Ten minutes later, I checked my phone and two things were already dealt with without me having to do anything." (32:00)
• Commitments: Remains committed to sobriety from cocaine, even amidst continued internal struggles.

8. Life Updates and Community Connection (32:00 – End)

• Pop-Up Store Date Change: New date for pop-up is March 28th & 29th; expresses gratitude for audience willingness to travel and support.
• Gratitude and Vulnerability: Host still grapples with why community cares so much, but feels the support.
• Closing Outlook: "As of right now, I'm one week back without anything. No drugs, no alcohol, no nothing. And I'm gonna be forever without cocaine. That's done." (32:38)
• Final Note: Host’s dad is visiting; plans to return to Dallas soon and promises to keep up regular communication, regardless of mood.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On relapse and relief:
  "The first shot, when I took it, the relief that I felt, oh, my God, like, it was so nice. Like, it was so nice." (05:20)
• On emotional cycles:
  "I can't ever escape that alone feeling of, like, holding up my world. That's exactly how it feels. It's like I have to hold up my own world, and I'm the only bastard up under there with my hands on it..." (10:08)
• On cocaine as a coping tool:
  "I've always been scared to say, I'll never do it again... But cocaine is my disconnection drug and my isolation, feel-over-by-God drug." (20:45)
• On commitment and resolve:
  "I promise to myself I will never touch cocaine again in my life. And that was real fucking hard. And that is a big thing for me." (21:50)
• On receiving love and blessings:
  "I don't know why people still watch me. I don't know why people still love me... Love that I get that I don't understand makes me terrified, truly." (23:00)
• Spiritual metaphor:
  "I'm a 4K TV, but I do got a buffer more. So it made me feel better about like these buffer periods." (25:58)
• On integration and trust:
  "When I'm in one of these integration periods, it's like God is saying, let me handle the external. So, like, while I'm in my house, I'm in my bed, like, relaxing... God's reorganizing." (28:40)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Drinking and Relapse Story: 01:38 – 08:00
• Deeper Reflections on Substance Use: 08:00 – 13:00
• Drugs, Power, and Not Demoning Addiction: 13:00 – 15:40
• Purpose and Spiritual Realizations: 15:40 – 21:20
• Letting Go of Cocaine: 21:20 – 25:20
• Personal Annoyance & Emotional Depth: 23:31 – 26:50
• Trust, Integration, and Divine Support: 26:50 – 32:00
• Life/Pop-Up Store Updates & Closing: 32:00 – End

Conclusion

This episode of Aware and Aggravated is a deeply personal exploration of relapse, growth, and the struggle to trust in support—whether from oneself, others, or a higher power. The host offers an honest account of breaking a sober streak and the spiritual, emotional, and logical storms that followed, ultimately arriving at a powerful, self-imposed promise to let go of cocaine for good. Listeners are reminded of the perils and beauty of living “outside the cage,” the sometimes-painful clarity of growth, and the strange comfort of knowing you are not, in fact, alone.

For further insights and to experience the episode’s emotional candor, listen to the full episode on your preferred podcast platform.