Panto 2025: Cometh the Comet, Comet the Ralph

Summary

Awesome Astronomy – Panto 2025: Cometh the Comet, Comet the Ralph

Hosts: Paul & Dustin (with guest appearances from Ralph, Avi, and more)
Release Date: December 25, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this festive “panto” (pantomime)-style episode, the Awesome Astronomy team delivers their trademark blend of irreverent humor, year-in-review reflection, and speculative forward-looking fun. The theme follows the show’s recurring comedic Martian invasion storyline woven throughout a lively, comprehensive round-up of 2025’s biggest astronomical news and a preview of what 2026 holds for stargazers and space enthusiasts. Interludes of sketch comedy, playful banter, and a hilarious “Science of Christmas” segment round out this special edition.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

2025 in Review: Astronomy’s Biggest Moments

[01:30–12:29]

Personal and Observational Highlights

• Clear skies made 2025 a bumper year for hands-on astronomy.
  Both Paul and Dustin got new telescopes and attended outstanding “Astro Camps,” enjoying “big runs of good clear nights.”

  “It's been a big year, loads of actual astronomy. Nice and chilled.” – Dustin [01:44]

• Astro Camps praised: “Two of my favorite camps we've done.” – Paul [02:24]

Notable Celestial Events

• Asteroid 2024 YR4
  Early 2025 hype around a newly tracked asteroid with the highest-ever recorded probability of Earth impact sparked excitement and statistical debate.

  “A wonderful exercise in statistics and orbits.” – Dustin [03:03] “Might hit the moon, but no chance of hitting us.” – Dustin [03:27]

• Saturn’s Moon Count Rises
  Saturn’s moons tally jumps to 274, reigniting debates about what constitutes a “moon” versus a captured asteroid.

  "When is a moon a moon? ...Like, should we start having this with moons?" – Dustin [04:09]

• Successful Lunar Landings
  Firefly Aerospace’s Blue Ghost mission achieves a commercial, upright moon landing—hailed as a late “Christmas miracle.”

  “Arguably the first successful commercial mission to the Moon.” – Dustin [04:49]

• ISS Crew Stranded
  Astronauts Butch and Sunny’s brief ISS trip stretches to 9 months, inspiring awe at human adaptability.

  “Nine flipping months...the entire time it takes to grow humans.” – Dustin [05:28]

• Comet Bonanza
  “Torrent of comets” in 2025, from binocular-friendly to “Three Eye Atlas”—causing excitement among astrophotographers.

  “It’s been a decent year for comets. A couple of good ones.” – Paul [06:35]

Solar Observing Highlights

• Spectacular Auroras & Sunspot Activity
  Major auroral storms and visible sunspot groups delighted observers.

  “Ones you can just see with your eclipse glasses.” – Dustin [07:15]

• Solar Orbiter Views Sun’s South Pole
  ESA’s Solar Orbiter provides humanity’s first glimpse of the Sun’s elusive south pole.

  “A real changing moment for solar physics, this is a part of our solar system we have literally never laid eyes on before.” – Dustin [08:39]

Transient Phenomena & Planet News

• Twin Novae in Lupus and Vela [09:55]
  “Two at the same time—one of those weird coincidences.”
• Alpha Centauri Exoplanet Discovery [10:55]
  A planet around (almost) the nearest star catches attention.
• Mars Surprises [11:10]
  • “Leopard spots” show possible biological processes

    “Cautiously lean into those biological processes. If you saw that on Earth, you’d go that’s something living.” – Paul [11:49]

  • Lightning on Mars could pose new challenges for future missions.

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Looking Forward: Astronomy in 2026

[14:10–24:53]

Major Celestial Events

• Jupiter at Opposition (January): In Gemini, brighter and easier to view—even with binoculars.

  “Bigger, brighter, you can see more detail even through your small scopes.” – Dustin [15:08]

• Year of Planetary Conjunctions:
  Nearly all planets will be visible in February (except Mars), with frequent and impressive planetary and lunar conjunctions throughout the year.

  “2026 is gonna be the year of planetary conjunctions...ping pong with planets up the sky.” – Dustin & Paul [17:23–17:30]

• August Total Solar Eclipse:
  Totality across Greenland, Iceland, Spain; UK enjoys an exceptional partial eclipse (~90% coverage).

  “It’s gonna be a really excellent moment.” – Dustin [19:59]

• Perseids Meteor Shower (August):
  Near new moon guarantees ideal conditions for Perseid meteors.

• Saturn Opposition (October):
  The rings open up again, promising “wow” moments at outreach events, “Can I get the Cassini division?” – Dustin [21:51]

• Mars in the Beehive Cluster (October):
  Dramatic planetary “blunder” through a cluster.

• More Murmuration:
  The team comments on increasing satellite interference with astronomy (“bonkers how many satellites there are now”). [20:59]

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Space Exploration in 2026

[24:53–36:49]

• Theme: Hopeful anticipation—but with skepticism about delays.

  “Astronomy is going to happen...with spaceflight, there's a lot of promise next year, whether it actually comes to pass, that's another matter.” – Paul [25:02]

Scheduled Missions and Milestones

• Pandora (Jan):
  Small satellite for exoplanet atmosphere studies—a leap into characterization over discovery.

  “We're going from that era of discovery into characterization.” – Dustin [26:15]

• Artemis 2 (Feb–April):
  Manned NASA mission looping past the Moon; first humans near lunar vicinity since 1972.

  “I want them to look out the window and go ‘bloody hell, have you seen this Dave?’” – Paul [28:22]

• Psyche’s Mars Flyby / Axiom 5 (May):
  Psyche does a Mars flyby; Axiom 5 could feature an all-British ISS crew—possibly Tim Peake’s return.

  “Can you brew a cup of tea [in zero G]?” – Dustin [29:34] “Talking of Tim Peake…he was always supposed to go on another mission.” – Paul [30:45]

• Tianwen-2 Asteroid Sample (June–July):
  Chinese mission to sample asteroid 469219 Kamo‘Oalewa.

• Swift Observatory Orbit Boost & “Rescue” [32:13]:
  A precedent for repairing/refueling satellites like Hubble.

• Juice Gravity Assist (September):
  A European spacecraft gets a final Earth gravity assist en route to Jupiter.

• Chang’e 7 and Shushan Telescope (Late 2026):
  New Chinese lunar south pole mission, plus the launch of a major orbital space telescope.

• ESA Solar Orbiter (ongoing):
  Next gravity assist boosts inclination, promising even more remarkable solar observations.

• Hera Arrives at Dimorphos / PLATO Launch ([36:32]):
  ESA’s double asteroid follow-up mission and the exoplanet-hunting PLATO satellite.

  “Looking for terrestrial exoplanets in the habitable zone of sun-like stars. ESA mission, not NASA.” – Dustin [36:21]

• Proliferation of Moon Missions:
  “The Moon will be covered”—Blue Ghost 2, Intuitive Machines, Griffin 1&2, iSpace, Astrolabe, etc.

  “So many moon missions just scattered throughout the year.” – Paul [36:49]

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Comedy & Sketch Interludes

(Throughout – see esp. 00:16–01:14, 12:42–14:10, 37:33, 39:21)
Ongoing storyline of Martian invaders, their Earth takeover plan, and irreverent back-and-forths with “Earthlings” peppered the episode.

• Memorable banter:

  “Eat my shit up.” – Paul [38:42]
  “Where’s the bloody ship? – It’s behind you. – Oh no it isn’t!” – Panto-style call–and–response [38:54] “His balls will make for such good car dice when we’re done with him.” – Paul (on Ralph) [38:08]

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The Science (and Maths) of Christmas: “Twelve Days of Christmas”—Are the Gifts Self-Funding?

[39:21–48:10]

• Dustin’s playful breakdown of the true cost (and impracticality) of the famous carol’s gifts:
  • Compound gifts amount to “for all intents and purposes, a fucking farm.”
  • Calculations: 100 “meals” for performers, quantities of milk, pear trees, egg production, gold rings, and attempts to cover costs by selling livestock, eggs, and cider.
  • Conclusion: The “gift” is an economic disaster.

    “In conclusion, it were a really shit gift and the only thing you can do is try and flog the lot down the market next Tuesday. There is no sense in keeping any of it.” – Dustin [47:39]

• Humorous realism about farming economics and labor.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On statistical drama:

  “A wonderful exercise in statistics and orbits.” – Dustin [03:03]

• On Saturn’s moons:

  “When is a moon a moon? When is a moon just a captured asteroid?” – Dustin [04:09]

• On Martian “leopard spots”:

  “If you saw that on Earth...you’d say something living’s done that.” – Paul [11:49]

• On planetary conjunctions:

  “Ping pong with planets. That’s our little saying for 2026!” – Paul & Dustin [17:23–17:30]

• On the lunar eclipse:

  “It’s going to be a really excellent moment.” – Dustin [19:58]

• On Artemis 2 coverage:

  “I want them to look out the window and go, ‘bloody hell, have you seen this, Dave?’” – Paul [28:22]

• On the “Twelve Days” gift:

  “In conclusion, it were a really shit gift...” – Dustin [47:39]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Segment | Timestamps | |---------------------------------------------|-----------------| | 2025 Year in Review | 01:27 – 12:29 | | Sketch: Martian plans | 12:42 – 14:10 | | Astronomy in 2026 – Celestial Events | 14:10 – 24:53 | | Astronomy in 2026 – Space Exploration | 24:53 – 36:49 | | Sketch: More Martian Antics | 37:33 – 39:21 | | The Maths of “Twelve Days of Christmas” | 39:21 – 48:10 | | Finale/Comedy wrap-up | 48:10 – End |

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Tone and Takeaways

True to the show’s playful, knowledgeable vibe, the episode delivers:

• Year-end celebration, full of in-jokes, gentle ribbing, and community spirit among amateur and professional astronomers alike.
• Lively, accessible explanations of the latest in observational astronomy, solar science, planetary exploration, and space technology.
• A cheeky, festive sense of humor—never taking itself too seriously, but relentless in championing science.
• Memorable segments (“Ping pong with planets!”), highly quotable comedic asides, and speculative excitement about humanity’s future in space.

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Summary for New Listeners:
This episode of Awesome Astronomy is a joyous review of all things astronomical in 2025—comets, eclipses, major missions—with colorful banter, sketch comedy, and a mathematically questionable Christmas gift audit. Whether you’re a seasoned stargazer or casual fan, you’ll laugh and learn in equal measure, and be left excited for a year of “ping pong with planets” and new frontiers.

Transcript

[Paul]

Ah, there's the bugger. I knew I'd get the rocket engine going on it again. Oh, this year. This is the year that we finally head to Earth and take it for our own.

[Dustin]

Hey, look Stazy on, mate. We still gotta fit the heat shield to the damn thing. And Elon didn't exactly help us out there, did he? Bloody Bowie or Loop. I mean, you get the irony, of course, but where are the promised bolt loops and seals? Bloody boot was empty, wasn't it too? Course it was. Taken me bloody ages to collect enough asteroids to melt into a heat shield.

[Paul]

Don't worry, we'll get it sorted. Help's on the way, remember?

[Dustin]

Oh, yeah, that's true. Wonder how long it'll be until the Earthlings pick up on it. Nearing Jupiter by now, isn't it? So that'll be the time to deploy the haze mass. Do you reckon he's up to the task?

[Paul]

No. We killed him once, we can do it again. If not.

[Dustin]

Oh, yeah, fair play. Fair play, Paul. Happy summer Solstice, my favorite Martian.

[Paul]

Happy summer solstice, my favorite honorary Martian.

[Dustin]

Oh, what a year 2025 was for astronomy.

[Paul]

My goodness, hasn't it? Isn't it? It's been a bit of a bumper year actually, for all sorts of reasons. Even just personally. There's been a load of astronomy this year.

[Dustin]

Yeah, especially for you. You have done loads of actual astronomy.

[Paul]

Yeah, it's been big runs of good clear nights and all. Like we had big periods in like the spring and the summer, like later in the summer. It was really good. Yeah, it was a good, good year.

[Dustin]

I think my personal, like, personal astronomy highlight, I think, is this getting the sea star this year.

[Paul]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dustin]

I've really enjoyed it. Like, I haven't had many opportunities just because I've been quite busy with work. But the few times I have had it out, I've loved it. It's been great fun.

[Paul]

Yeah. Well, we've both got new scopes. It's been. It's been. It's been a year of new scopes. It's been good. It's been good. Been playing with the 12 inches finale.

[Dustin]

Alastio Camp has also been excellent this year.

[Paul]

It has. We've had two excellent camps this year. Do you know, I'd actually go as far to say they've been two of my favorite camps. We've done.

[Dustin]

Yeah, actually nice and chilled.

[Paul]

Yeah.

[Dustin]

Good weather. Seen a lot.

[Paul]

Yeah, yeah, they've been good. They've been good. So, yeah, it's been a good year. Percy.

[Dustin]

But.

[Paul]

And there's been lots going on out beyond us though.

[Dustin]

Oh my goodness. I know. Let's attempt to go roughly chronologically. Right. All right, so start the year for me. February. Remember when we found that asteroids 2024 yr 4 so technically found at the end of 2024 but kind of got into our attention, our sort of sphere of influence around February time?

[Paul]

Was that really that long ago?

[Dustin]

It was that long ago. It was nearly a year ago. So this is that asteroid that temporarily had the greatest chance of hitting Earth that has ever been recorded. And it was a wonderful exercise in like statistics and orbits and that was brilliant. I really, really enjoyed that whole saga because of course, you know, just in case anyone's worried it isn't gonna hit us, it might hit the moon.

[Paul]

Yeah, yeah. Might, might, might hit the moon.

[Dustin]

Tiny chance of hitting the moon, but no chance of hitting us. So we, we don't have anything to worry about. But I really enjoyed that story. That was a good one. In March then. Well, we had. On the astronomy side of things. Saturn dominated once again in terms of who's got the most moons because it jumped up to 274.

[Paul]

274 moons. It's just that we had that whole discussion, didn't we, about what is actually. Can we. Is is there a sort of like the planets is actually a discussion about what is actually. I mean is there a size thing or is that just an asteroid or that? Yeah, that was interesting.

[Dustin]

It's like when, when is a moon a moon? And when is a moon just a captured asteroid? Like, like, you know, it's this whole planet dwarf planet debate and it's like, should we start having this with moons?

[Paul]

Yeah. Is it just a piece of debris? Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

[Dustin]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Paul]

It was good. And then we've had somebody landed on the moon upright.

[Dustin]

Oh my goodness. I know, it was. It was like a late Christmas miracle, that one. In March.

[Paul]

Yeah. Firefly Aerospace with their Blue Ghost mission. They landed.

[Dustin]

Yeah.

[Paul]

On the right way up.

[Dustin]

Right way up on the moon. Actually did a bunch of science. So they didn't get the first soft landing.

[Paul]

No.

[Dustin]

But arguably the first successful commercial mission to the moon.

[Paul]

Yes.

[Dustin]

Like that was a huge moment.

[Paul]

Yes, yes it was. Yes it was. And then we had the poor old marooned astronauts returning.

[Dustin]

Oh, I know. Butch and Sunny finally got off the iss. Two weeks turned into nine months.

[Paul]

I was just that. I still cannot believe that happened.

[Dustin]

I know. It's just they were up there for so long, like so long I know.

[Paul]

A couple of weeks turning into maybe a month.

[Dustin]

Yeah. You'd be like, yeah, okay, that's fine.

[Paul]

Six weeks. Okay. Yeah. Those problems. That's fine. Couple of months. That's starting. Nine flipping months.

[Dustin]

Nine months. Like you know, the entire time it takes to grow humans. You know, there were some humans that were not on Earth.

[Paul]

Yeah.

[Dustin]

And they came back and like they had. The entire time they've been off Earth, like millions of humans had been grown and born. Like, it's just wild when you think about it.

[Paul]

It's bonkers. That is bonkers. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dustin]

It was planned.

[Paul]

Yeah, yeah. Crazy.

[Dustin]

Yeah. Absolutely wild. And then like sort of like middle to the end of the year, it was just like. It's just torrent of comets. God, it's been comets, nitty die comets, binocular comets. And of course, the most famous comet of them all for this year.

[Avi]

Yeah.

[Dustin]

Three Eye Atlas.

[Paul]

Or is it a comet?

[Dustin]

Is it?

[Paul]

It is a comet.

[Dustin]

Is it? Or is it? If you have to listen to more of the panto.

[Paul]

Yeah,

[Dustin]

It was. It's quite a good year for comics because people, like, people really get in the astrophotography groove on.

[Paul]

Yeah, I've seen a couple of good comments this year. It's. Sometimes you can go a whole year without really seeing a comet. You have to see nothing.

[Dustin]

Actually.

[Paul]

It's been a decent year for comets this year. It's been a couple of good ones.

[Dustin]

And what I always like about comets is because, like, we never know when they're coming. So, you know, when we look to our looking forward to astronomy in 2026 section, later on, you know, we'll be saying about, oh, there's this and there's that. But, you know, we won't mention any comets because usually you've got your ones that we don't know about.

[Paul]

No, exactly. You got your few periodic ones, but they're around, but they're usually very faint. There's not many sort of big, bright periodic comets that, you know, they're sort of those ones that take just a couple of years. There's. There's not many of them that are spectacular. So actually, yeah, it is, it is. These, these sort of.

[Ralph]

Whoa.

[Paul]

This thing. Where's this come from? That's really cool.

[Dustin]

Yeah, yeah. We also. It was a really good year for solar observing in terms of the aurora. There was loads of aurora storms again this year, but also massive sunspot groups, you know, ones that you can just see, see with your eclipse glasses. So I really enjoyed that. That was very, very fun.

[Paul]

Yeah.

[Dustin]

So you know, in terms of solar observing, it's been brilliant as well.

[Paul]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's been a, been a pretty. I remember just thinking when, when was it we saw that massive series of flares? I think it was the first astro camp this year, wasn't it? We had a whole solar observe where there was just some spectacular loops and prominences all just like erupting and it was just, the whole thing was just bubbling.

[Dustin]

Yeah.

[Paul]

And I hadn't seen it.

[Dustin]

It was, I think it was the first astral camp because you were sketching and I remember coming over to see

[Paul]

you and I hadn't seen the sun quite like that. Really massive sunspots bubbling away. Just every like all 360 degrees of the limb was just completely bubbling away. I haven't seen it like that for a long time. So it was a very active sun. It was spectacular.

[Dustin]

Yeah, yeah, it was a great year for Solar observe in 2025, more on the sciencey side of things then in June. I mean, you know, we're sticking with the sun, but in June we had the very first look at the Sun's south pole. We did ESA's Solar Orbiter.

[Paul]

That was pretty spectacular.

[Dustin]

That was very special. You know, that was a real, kind of a real changing moment for solar, solar physics, solar astrophysics, because it's, it's a region of the sun that has been perpetually out of view. You know, this is not, oh, we've just launched a telescope that's got better resolution. No, this is a part of our solar system we have literally never laid eyes on before.

[Paul]

No, no, no, exactly.

[Dustin]

So that was, that was very, very special. And we're going to return to ESA's Solar Orbiter in what's coming up in 2026 as well.

[Paul]

Yep.

[Dustin]

But the very same month then we also had fear Rubin first light.

[Paul]

We did, we did. And that's very exciting. And it had already done the recovery of three Eye Atlas. They realized it had seen it before. So it's going to be spectacular. That's going to be really special.

[Dustin]

And then, you know, I mean next year, 2026, it's really going to start science program proper because although it was first light in June, they still had all of the commissioning phase to get through. And 2026 is going to be sort of the first year of science. And we were amazed with just those calibration images and those initial first light images. So I'm. Yeah, that's going to be great.

[Paul]

Then what else do we have? We had novae in lupus and Vela.

[Dustin]

Yeah. To have two at the same time.

[Paul]

Yeah.

[Dustin]

Do you know what?

[Paul]

That often happens. It's like one of those weird coincidences I think, I think we miss loads of them and clearly. And it's often, I think people see one and then people always like a little bit more observant and then they notice another one. You know, it's like that kind of. Oh, there's a novate. So and yeah I saw one of them. I can't remember which one I looked at now.

[Dustin]

Probably lupus. Right.

[Paul]

I think it was the lupus one. Yeah, yeah. No, or do you know what, I'd have to look back at my sketchbook now, but yes.

[Dustin]

Another.

[Paul]

Yeah.

[Dustin]

Have a think.

[Paul]

I can't think which one it is now.

[Dustin]

There was a supernova in Pegasus though as well. So maybe you're thinking about that.

[Paul]

That wasn't that one. No, I didn't see that one.

[Dustin]

No, this was a nova one. T Corona Borealis. Was it? And you just didn't tell and you

[Paul]

went oh God, that's still bloody gone off. Is it? That shows you. We just do not quite understand these things sometimes. I know then we've had some planet news.

[Dustin]

Yeah. In August.

[Paul]

Yeah.

[Dustin]

Planet around the nearest star, almost the nearest star, Alpha Centauri. So that was exciting. And then like the end of the year kind of big news stories wise. It was really Mars focused.

[Paul]

Yeah, it was. We had. Well I think. Well my favorite one's the second one but we had those leopard spots on Mars. The whole leopard spot.

[Dustin]

Yeah.

[Paul]

Thing which was.

[Dustin]

Yeah. Because they kind of have been reanalyzing it all and looking into it deeper and they are starting to lean towards the kind of biology side while they can't like rule out non biological processes.

[Paul]

No. Until the they're just leaning do some life sciences essentially on those things. We're never gonna know.

[Dustin]

No, no. But they are like, you know, they kind of just cautiously lean in.

[Paul]

Yeah, exactly.

[Dustin]

Cautiously lean into those biological processes. So I, I, that's, and to be

[Paul]

fair to watch, to be fair, if you saw that on Earth.

[Dustin]

Yeah.

[Paul]

You would go that far. Yeah. Something, something living's done that. So yeah there is, there is that sort of. And then I think that's a lot of where they're coming from is like it's awfully familiar. And then my favorite was the Martian lightning actually that was, that was actually. Although the life's exciting, this is actually a thing and that was really exciting.

[Dustin]

Yeah. A thing that we're gonna have to Start factoring in, you know, for when we send rovers and landers and space suits and, you know, all of that sort of stuff. So, I mean, what year, what year for astronomy? What year for astrophysics? What a year for space exploration.

[Paul]

Yeah, yeah.

[Avi]

Meanwhile, in the far backwaters of our

[Dustin]

solar system, a long awaited visitor draws near.

[Ralph]

Whoa. I tell you, cryogenic freezing in the soils of Mars really gives one a zest for a second life, you know? Yeah, yeah, alright. You don't know because death was resolved in your society millennia ago. What brings you to Earth anyway? Really not the chance to witness a blossom in technological society on the brink of collapse. The concept of war? Black Friday in America at the height of consumerism? None of those. You want to know what happened on the fishing trip? Look, mate, they didn't tell us last year and I'm not entirely convinced you'll get it out of them this year, but if it means you'll whisk away James Corden, I ain't complaining. Anyway, you got that hiding? Absolutely. Zip Ear cloaking device.

[Paul]

Ready?

[Ralph]

Us humans may be dumb, but we've been collecting rocks since we discovered walking on two feet was better than treading in shit with our hands. So you bet their eyes will be on us soon enough. And don't forget our rendezvous. I don't want to die twice in a decade, thanks.

[Dustin]

All right then, so let us look forward to Astronomy 2026. So what can we look forward to? Skies day and night.

[Paul]

I can't believe it's going to be 2026. That's the first thing I'm going to say. Like that just, just sounds, I know, like, yeah, this is getting. I know it was into the next quarter of the century that that's.

[Dustin]

It is.

[Paul]

Somebody pointed out to me the other day, it was like, do you realize we've done the first quarter of this century and like. Yeah, we have. Mad, actually that, you know, I remember the millennium and the rest of it, remember the whole like, well, the many years before and then suddenly like here we are quarter way through the bloody century. I mean, it's all. There's like bonkers, isn't it? Yeah, but yeah, so, yeah, so what we got, what exciting things we got lined up next year?

[Dustin]

Well, we kick off the year quite strong, I think in January because Jupiter is at opposition.

[Paul]

It is, it is, it is. And it's a good opposition this year as well.

[Dustin]

Yeah, and Jupiter opposition is always brilliant because, you know, it's just bigger, brighter, you can see more detail even through your small scopes and your binoculars, you know, watching the Galilean moons change position night after night. So and, and it's in Gemini as well. And that means there's like all the way through the start of the year, there's all these really fun conjunctions between like the moon, Jupiter, Castor, Pollux.

[Paul]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dustin]

So you know, if you don't, you don't know where Gemini is and you've always struggled to kind of find it. Jupiter is going to be a really, really good, like biggest, brightest thing in

[Paul]

the sky without that.

[Dustin]

Yeah, yeah. So we're gonna be kicking off the year strong and then like February time we've actually gotten almost kind of all of the planets available in the night sky at once. But Mars is not joining in the fun. But there is, you know, there's Neptune, Uranus, Saturn, Jupiter, Venus, Mercury. The rest of them are all going to be available throughout, you know, different parts of the night and everything. So that is going to be very fun as well. And that's like towards the end of February that we're looking forwards to that. There's also like, there's too many for us to go into details in this kind of overview of what's coming in Astronomy 2026. But right the way through the year, but particularly the first half of the year, we have got so many lunar planetary conjunctions, planet planet conjunctions. Right. So there's like Venus and Jupiter around about June time. Later on in the year we're gonna have the Moon and Mars and Jupiter. There's just like it's Gonna, for me, 2026 is gonna be the year of planetary conjunctions.

[Paul]

And it happens every so often like that. We get little, little runs of them. We had, we had one. Oh, when was it? There was a few years ago where it was the same feeling it was. I was Covid year where we had a series of good conjunctions. And it's great because it's just because of where the orbital mechanics and the sort of relative positions, you just suddenly get all these like one moves to that one and then it moves to there and then we move around a bit and that one then looks like it's next to that one and it's just really spectacular. It's just like sort of ping pong with planets up the sky. It's really cool.

[Dustin]

I love that. Ping pong with planets. That's what it is. That's our little saying for 2026. Ping pong with planets.

[Paul]

Ping pong with planets. Yeah.

[Dustin]

So yeah, I mean obviously as the year goes on we'll, we'll tell you every month what to look out for. But there's going to be a bunch of those and it's great because most of them are going to be kind of naked eye.

[Paul]

Yeah. Easy binocular small telescope stuff where you see a little bit more detail. It's, it's you, you never need very much to sort of get, get something from planets.

[Dustin]

Yeah.

[Paul]

So, yeah. And then of course big scopes will see the detail, but in a way that doesn't matter in this case because it's actually about the sort of seeing the two things together.

[Dustin]

Yeah. The wide field view. Yeah, yeah. Now the biggie of course for us in 2026 is the August total eclipse.

[Paul]

Total eclipse, yeah.

[Dustin]

Which goes over Greenland, Iceland and Spain.

[Paul]

It does.

[Dustin]

Now that means actually in the UK it is an excellent partial eclipse.

[Paul]

Yes.

[Dustin]

You know we're talking 90% coverage.

[Paul]

Yes. Once you, especially if you go on to the west side of the country, if you go down. Because of course if you mad picture that in your minds, that path of totality is sort of Greenland, Iceland to Spain. It's like a curve that runs down the Atlantic and that's going to be just to the west of Britain Island. So I mean if you want even more spectacular, you can't get to Spain, could go right to the west coast of Ireland. You know, there's sort of, you know that's going to be even almost as close to totality or standing on land as you can get anywhere. Anywhere.

[Dustin]

Yeah. So, yeah, so it's gonna be a really, really good one. So this is your forewarning now to get your solar eclipse glasses from a reputable seller, a reputable astronomy retailer like Fierce Light Optics. Don't get them on Amazon.

[Paul]

No, I don't want to hear any of these welding masks shenanigans. Nope, nothing like that.

[Dustin]

No welding masks. Absolutely not. No welding glass, no reflecting it in a bucket of water.

[Paul]

Yeah.

[Dustin]

Solar eclipse glasses are a couple of pounds. They are worth every single penny. And then of course if you want to step it up a bit and you want to do your binoculars, you want to use your telescopes, then get your Barda solar filter, save, save some boxes from over Christmas. You can now have enough of them.

[Paul]

Yeah.

[Dustin]

And then you can make your masks for the end of your binoculars, the end of your telescopes, things like that, you know, very, very easily, double sided, sticky tape, some glue, you're good to go. So although it isn't total from the uk, it's going to be because it's Such a significant partial. You will notice it getting dark. You will notice the temperature dropping.

[Paul]

Oh, yeah.

[Dustin]

It's going to be a really excellent moment.

[Paul]

This will be the best one we've had since. Oh, now, when was it we had a really good one. Oh, it was about 2014, I think it was. It was a really, really spectacular one. That was. That was close to this. Got very close to totality here. That was so. That's cool. Yeah, Looking forward to that.

[Dustin]

Yeah. So that's gonna be great. And then, of course, because this eclipse is happening on the 12th, it means it is an excellent year for the Perseids.

[Paul]

Yeah.

[Dustin]

Because there's no moon about. It's like the thinnest crescent moon that you can get. Yeah. So we're gonna have an absolutely fantastic Perseid meteor shower this year.

[Paul]

You hope.

[Dustin]

Yes.

[Paul]

You hope.

[Dustin]

Well, the thing is, I've never had a disappointing Perseids. Me and my dad, we always get the loungers out, go in the garden. But the only disappointing thing with the Perseids is we quite often these days in recent years, see more satellites than we do Percy's.

[Paul]

Oh, God. Yeah. It's bonkers how many satellites there are. Let's not get into that. Let's not get into that.

[Dustin]

We will get into that.

[Paul]

But that said, I had very good Geminids just. You did the other day.

[Dustin]

Excellent.

[Paul]

It was. It was a really, like one of those where I walked out and a massive, great sort of like, bright one across the entire sky.

[Dustin]

Nice.

[Paul]

Good start. And it did. It did do really nicely. It was a good. It was a good. Did not disappoint. So what else we've got in October? So you've got Saturn opposition, and of course, the rings are going to be opening up again.

[Dustin]

Yeah.

[Paul]

I mean, actually, it's been quite cool seeing it in that kind of like. Like the underground symbol. It's just, you know, circle.

[Dustin]

Yeah.

[Paul]

And it's kind of how kids draw the Saturn. So it's been quite cool. But you do miss some of that, like, seeing the rings properly. So.

[Dustin]

And I miss, like, can I get the Cassini division? Like, that's. Yeah, I missed that.

[Paul]

Yeah.

[Dustin]

Yeah. So that.

[Paul]

That's gonna be fun. I'll be showing Saturn at various astronomy events, and people are still absolutely wowed by it. And people seen it before, but you can't do that. Oh, yeah. Can you make out the. The division here? And can you see the shadow onto the ring at the back? And you can't do that. So that's. That's October. Then we've got Mars. Mars is gonna blast its way through the Beehive Cluster in October.

[Dustin]

And that's always fun.

[Paul]

That's always fun. That's always cool. When a planet blunders into a cluster, it's really cool. I love when Venus did Pleiades a couple years ago. Spectacular. So yeah, yes, same same sort of thing. So to add in November, to add to those, those planetary conjunctions we were mentioning, there's going to be this whole series of bright star conjunctions with Jupiter, Venus and the Moon with like Regulus and Spiker that's going to be really. That's again really, really spectacular and fun. Then Geminids of course got waxing crescent moon. So the Geminids hopefully will be a pretty decent shower again. Say they were good this year, fortunately, because the problem with Gemini is the weather more than the. The moon.

[Dustin]

Yes, it is.

[Paul]

It's so it's December, it's often. And actually we, we were just very lucky with the, the clouds at that time. They kind of broke where I was. Yeah, well, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't live in the, the Mordor Clad Rain realm, that is Wales. But yeah, I mean it was a sort of cloudyish kind of weekend, but actually it did just break enough that you, you could see them. So that was good. But yeah, so that, that's good. So yeah, it's. There's lots of exciting things coming up next year. Very exciting year.

[Dustin]

Ah, Christ knows. It is probably another starling. Those fuckers are everywhere now.

[Paul]

No, no, that thing, that thing.

[Dustin]

I. Diesel smudge on the land. Ah, Christ, I am bored. There was more teasers. I want to see how high I can blow one. Zachary Bleu. Wait, you guys see this too?

[Paul]

Yeah, it's not from our solar system.

[Dustin]

Oui, oui. It's alien. Whatever it is.

[Paul]

More importantly, is it going to hit us?

[Dustin]

Oh, do we have to?

[Paul]

Yeah. Oh, come on, you know the deal. How else do you think we all went to Hawaii last year, eh?

[Dustin]

Fun, but I'm not going to do it. And so We've done Astronomy 2026. It's time for space exploration. 2026.

[Paul]

Yeah.

[Dustin]

And there is so much happening in the world of space exploration. I mean, you thought astronomy was gonna be good next year, but. Oh my goodness.

[Paul]

Yeah, it is. It's. Well, it has a lot of promise, doesn't it? That's the thing. This has. There is a. The thing with space. The thing about astronomy is it's gonna happen.

[Dustin]

Yeah. Other than comet like we know.

[Paul]

Yeah. Yeah, it's going to happen. The planets are gonna do their thing. Stars are gonna be where they are. We know these things happen. When it comes to spaceflight, there's a lot of promise next year. Whether it actually comes to pass, that's another matter.

[Dustin]

So should we have a look at what is promised to come to pass?

[Paul]

Yes, well, the promise is good. Let's have a look.

[Dustin]

So go on.

[Paul]

So, first of all, we've got January, January kicking off. We've got Pandora, small satellite for exploring the exoplanet atmosphere.

[Dustin]

Yeah, I think this is cute that we're just gonna have like a small, little satellite for looking at the atmosphere specs for. This isn't like a big, giant, expensive mission. We've got like a little trial, little tester, little small mission going on.

[Paul]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly, exactly. And that's really exciting because it is. That kind of looking at the kind of these atmospheres is going to be the next big thing with exoplanets. It's not. We've got enough of them now and we're discovering all the time. It's over 6,000 now.

[Dustin]

Yeah. So we're going from that era of discovery into characterization.

[Paul]

Yeah, exactly, exactly. And this is, this is, this is where some of the really exciting stuff with exoplanets is going to come, because we've. We've got that right. We've got kind of basics. And now we're going to get loads more, like the chemistry of their atmospheres and what's going on. And that's going to be some of the really exciting stuff that. Yeah, I'm looking forward to that.

[Dustin]

Yeah, yeah, it's going to be good. Now, February at the earliest is one of the most exciting space exploration missions of 2026.

[Paul]

Well, to be fair, of half the

[Dustin]

decade, really, isn't it?

[Paul]

I think it's fair to say, I would say, technically it's 1972, in fact.

[Dustin]

And it is, of course, Artemis 2 returning humans to lunar vicinity. Can you really say lunar orbit? Because they're just kind of slingshotting around the moon.

[Paul]

Yeah, they're not even doing the Apollo 8 thing as such, as in a Polaroid, actually went round the orbit.

[Dustin]

Yeah, you can't really say lunar orbit, but the moon's vicinity, you know, as you said, for the first time since 1972. So we don't have a fixed launch date yet. It's somewhere between February and April, but, you know, it's happening. Yeah, very exciting.

[Paul]

Exactly.

[Dustin]

It's gonna be 4K cameras, it's gonna be you know, constant streaming. It's just.

[Paul]

Yeah, I just hope it doesn't get schmaltzy.

[Dustin]

Schmaltzy?

[Paul]

Well, I don't want to insult our American listeners, but they do have a tendency to just lean into the schmaltz and the kind of.

[Dustin]

Oh, is this the whole, like, America's the best. We're the best. We're America.

[Paul]

We're not even that bad. No, no, not that. No. I don't blame them for that. You know, they're going to the moon. No one else has. That's cool. I mean, that. That kind of. It gets a bit. Kind of. What's the word? Gets a bit tacky. Gets a bit kind of like, emotion.

[Dustin]

Does it get a bit like greetings card?

[Paul]

It gets a bit greeting card. It gets a bit hallmark. It gets a bit. Yeah. You know what I mean? And I think. I think what you really want is

[Dustin]

one of the astronauts to go, holy shit, there's the moon.

[Paul]

Yeah, exactly, exactly. I want them to work out the window and go like, bloody hell, have you seen this, Dave? Like, look at the size of that.

[Dustin]

Yeah.

[Paul]

Whereas we're like, oh, my God. You know, it'll be all a bit Hallmark and like, oh, don't do that.

[Dustin]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So then, you know, that covers us February to April. Right. So we move on to May. Now Psyche's gonna be doing a flyby of Mars, so we may expect some. Some pictures and some remote sensing of Mars. And then approximately May time is Axiom Mission 5 to the International Space Station.

[Paul]

Yep.

[Dustin]

Now, you're probably thinking, why are we bothering to mention this again? Because, like, yeah, it's just more kind of tourists going up to the iss. But the reason we particularly care about this one is it may be an entirely British crew.

[Paul]

We're back, baby.

[Dustin]

We're back, baby.

[Paul]

And this time we're colonizing space. But, yeah, you know, we can't help ourselves. We'll go there, we'll plant a flag, and we'll say, this is ours now. Make me a cup of tea.

[Dustin]

Oh, I wonder if they're going to be able to do that. Do they have cups of tea? Can you brew a cup of tea? Because water's just going to float around, innit?

[Paul]

Do you have cups and tea?

[Dustin]

Well, yeah, there's cups, but they can't exactly put a tea bag in.

[Paul]

They do have. They have tea bag.

[Dustin]

Yeah, but they can't. You can't just. They do have tea. Yeah, but it's like, oh, how are they doing it? Is it like instant tea, like instead of coffee.

[Paul]

It's probably why we've never really gone

[Dustin]

for the whole space because no one's figured out how to like brew a proper cup of tea.

[Paul]

It's like proper tea and you know, you can't have a crumpet, buttered crumpet and a bit of tea. You see, we could, we could conquer Africa and Asia and places like that because you can make a cup of tea. In fact, the tea came from Asia. That's why we went. And then, you know, you can butter your crumpets wherever you like.

[Dustin]

Can't do that on the, you can't

[Paul]

do that on the iss. You can't, you can't, you can't go like, look, knock me up a bacon sarni and you know, get me, get me. He's like, it's not gonna happen. Although actually Tim Peake did take a bacon sarni.

[Dustin]

Did he actually first one in space?

[Paul]

Yeah, he did, yeah.

[Dustin]

But talking of Tim Peake, he may well be one of the crew members. I mean nothing's been announced in terms of who the Karachi are, but it's heavily rumored that he will be going back to the ISS for fortnight.

[Paul]

Which actually is nice because he was always supposed to go back to space.

[Dustin]

Oh really?

[Paul]

He was always supposed to go on another mission and he never did for various reasons. I'm not gonna say Brexit, but there was a reason that, you know, the British government didn't fund things properly and certain things didn't happen Brexit. So.

[Dustin]

Terrible cough you've got there, Paul.

[Ralph]

It is.

[Paul]

So if he goes, if it goes, that would be good. So June, we've got Tian one two lint orbit around asteroid. Get this, 469219 Kamo Oale I think it is. And then a month later it's gonna sample it.

[Dustin]

So that's gonna be very exciting.

[Paul]

That's gonna be exciting. Always like a, like an asteroid rendezvous and sample return.

[Dustin]

That's that interesting thing. Will be. It's Chinese mission. Will they share footage live or live Ish. You know, so it's like.

[Paul]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dustin]

It's always we. Hopefully, yes. I mean they have started to, you know, when they landed on the far side of the moon, they did send some pictures and things. So, you know, China is opening up a little bit more when it comes to space exploration. But yes, you know, is, is it going to be the kind of fantastic footage that we get from like NASA and JAXA and stuff for.

[Paul]

No, but yeah, exactly, hopefully, yeah, it'd be interesting. Be interesting. We also got the Swift rescue mission, which is interesting. This, this one's, this one's cropped up. We were talking about this the other day, weren't we, with Dustin? It's to rescue NASA's Neil. Now, is it Geralt's?

[Dustin]

I think it's Geralt, it's Gerald's. The thing is, it's often called, like the Swift Observatory, but the full thing.

[Paul]

Yeah, exactly.

[Dustin]

Yeah.

[Paul]

But they're gonna, they're gonna boost its orbit because, of course, it's in a decaying orbit and so they're gonna boost it.

[Dustin]

Yeah. And if they don't think it's gonna burn up in Earth's atmosphere.

[Paul]

Yeah. And so it's very exciting because actually this, this is long term. If these. That sort of succeeds and it's good. It actually points to kind of possible routes to things like Hubble and things like that. Can we actually get there?

[Dustin]

These missions? Yeah.

[Paul]

Refuel these things, repair them, put them up in a higher. They're useful. And if they're still working, it's a shame to just let them burn up

[Dustin]

in the atmosphere 100%. So in September, we're gonna have juice flying past Earth on its second gravity assist on its way out to Jupiter.

[Paul]

Ages since that went, so, you know,

[Dustin]

will we be able to see it as a speck of light from the ground? Unknown at this point, but something to look out for as we get a bit closer.

[Paul]

It's a big old. It's a big old satellite, it's got big old solar panels.

[Dustin]

Yeah. So there is the possibility of being able to. So we'll have to find out bit closer to the time, see what the predictions are. And then kind of late 2026, there's no kind of confirmed date, but we do have the next in the series of China's Chang' e missions to the moon. So this is Chang' E7 going to the lunar south pole, and, well, it's basically everything. So it is an orbiter, a relay satellite, a lander, a rover, and then something that is described. Right. Which is clearly some kind of mistranslation as a mini flying probe, presumably they mean some kind of hopper because there's no air on the moon, so you can't fly.

[Paul]

Yeah. And it's got little engines or something, some little rocket engines, but that seems a bit.

[Dustin]

Yeah, so. So there's clearly some kind of mistranslation going on, but it looks like they're testing some new technology in terms of navigating The Moon. So that is late 2026 is what it's scheduled for. We don't have a date for that yet, but that's going to be something to look forward to. And as well, China's doing all sorts because as well next year again we don't have a confirmed launch date. They're also going to launch Shushan, which is a large space telescope that's going to orbit with the Tiangon space station. So you know, it's going to be a big, yeah, big telescope up there with a space station. So that's going to be very, very interesting too.

[Paul]

Very cool. Then we've got the solar orbiter, which has already been doing great work. The sun, it's going to go into its fifth gravity assistant, Venus and it's increased its inclination to 24 degrees. So the sort of, the next, the next bit of science that's doing, it's going to go into a different, a different orbit.

[Dustin]

Yeah, so we thought that view of the South Pole was good this year.

[Paul]

Yeah.

[Dustin]

Wait until it starts tilting its orbit even more. It's going to just see even more. It's going to be brilliant.

[Paul]

And we got Hera will arrive Darmos

[Dustin]

as well, following up on the DART double asteroid redirection test. So, you know, giving us those results of what actually happened and refining our understanding, completing kind of ticking the boxes off.

[Paul]

Yeah, yeah, it's cool. And plato. Yeah, the exoplanet mission.

[Dustin]

Another exoplanet.

[Paul]

What is, what does PLATO stand for? Because it's inevitably going to stand for something. They couldn't just call it PLATO after

[Dustin]

the PLATO is Planetary Transits and Oscillations of Stars. So it's the PLA from planetary. The T for transits and the oscillations is the O.

[Paul]

May their ear holes turn to assholes and shit all over their shoulders.

[Dustin]

But it is looking for terrestrial exoplanets in the habitable zone of sun like stars. So yeah, pretty exciting mission. And it's an ESA mission, not a NASA one. ESA one here.

[Paul]

Nope. So be one of those, one of those fly under the radar E sub missions like Gaia and things like that. Does really good work and sits there and does its job.

[Ralph]

It'd be really good.

[Dustin]

And then finally we have so many moon missions just like scattered right throughout the year. So many of them.

[Paul]

Oh God, the moon's gonna be covered in.

[Dustin]

Yeah, it is. It's new. Glenn. Blue Moon Pathfinder mission, the second Blue Ghost, which is of course the one that actually successfully landed and did a bunch of science Griffin 1 and Griffin 2 by astrobotic, flip by Astrolabe, which I hope is not an unfortunate acronym, but we'll find out. I Space Mission 3 and then Intuitive Machines, Nova C3. Wow, cool. All sorts going on. So, yeah, great year for space exploration coming up.

[Paul]

Oh, bloody hell. Hang on, where is it? Right, got it. Oh, you've reached Mars. And not the chocolate bar. Oh, av, me old chum. How are ya? Yes, yes, yes, we know. It's all part of the plan, remember? Hang on, What? Don't you bloody dare, you little shit. Alright, go on, try us. We'll remember your betrayal when we take over Earth. Hell hath no fury like a Martian scorned.

[Dustin]

Bottled it, hasn't he?

[Paul]

Yep.

[Dustin]

Telling everyone it's an alien spacecraft, isn't he?

[Paul]

Yep.

[Dustin]

His balls will make for such good car dice when we're done with him. Little shit knew we shouldn't have tried another Earthling for help.

[Paul]

I know, I know, but look, the Tesla's nearly ready. Ralph's gonna be here with the others in about an hour. Got everything ready?

[Dustin]

A dozen jars of Martian bacteria primed on your shit for decades. Ready to release and destroy the biosphere if they resist.

[Paul]

Excellent. May 2023 is a particular fine vintage, I think.

[Dustin]

Oh yeah, Save that one until last, I think.

[Paul]

Right then. Strapped in.

[Dustin]

Yep, ready for launch.

[Paul]

Great. 3, 2, 1. Woo. Eat my shit up.

[Dustin]

Where's the bloody ship?

[Paul]

It's behind you.

[Dustin]

Oh no, it isn't.

[Paul]

Oh yes it is.

[Dustin]

Oh no, it. Oh. Oh no, wait, it is fine. I can see him waving now. Actually, they did a good job with that new skin suit. Fair play.

[Paul]

Once round the sun and the Earth is ours for the taking.

[Dustin]

What?

[Ralph]

O motherfuckers.

[Dustin]

Ugh. You again. Behold, ye merry gentlemen and gentle ladies and gentle persons, for tis time for the science of Christmas. And this year it's all the mathematics of Christmas. Or perhaps the economics of Christmas as we pose the question, are the gifts of the twelve days of Christmas self funded or is it a shitty gift you'll actually end up paying for?

[Paul]

I'm looking forward to this. You've been dropping hints about this for the last few days and this is

[Dustin]

gonna be like new to your. So I think this is. This is a good one. Okay, so first thing we have to do is establish the quantity of everything. Because if you'll remember the song, it goes, for example, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree. Right, so it's compounding. And we had this discussion the other day, didn't we? And we will. We did.

[Paul]

We did.

[Dustin]

It's compounding. So I make it 12 partridges and 12 pear trees, 22 turtle doves, 30 French hens, 36 calling birds, 40 gold rings, 42 Gieselayan and also 42 swans are swimming, 40 maids are milking, 36 ladies dancing, 30 lords leaping, 22 pipers piping, and 12 drummers drumming. So that's what you get. Now, we live in 2025, so we can immediately cross some things off our list. We can't own people anymore. So we must presume that in the gift it is the experience of watching the 36 ladies, 30 lords and 22 pipers and 12 drummers drumming. So, like, that's what the gift is. It's like a show. Now, if we count each of these people as requiring one meal each to replenish them and send them on their way, we're looking at precisely 100 meals. We're going to make the assumption that none of them are vegan. And I know from Jeremy Clarkson and Clarkson's farm that one cow provides approximately a thousand meals. Now that's of course, meals with accompaniments. So it is a good job that we have 42 geese a lay at, and they get there well before the drummers turn up. So we can safely say we'll be able to give them beef omelettes, all washed down with milk. And then for dessert, well, we've got 12 pear trees, right? We'll assume they're in season. And with the annual yield for a single pear tree averaging at about 100 kilos, you know, just to keep the numbers simple, I think it's fair to say that we can provide them with poached pear for dessert.

[Paul]

Right, nice.

[Dustin]

Okay, so they're gone. That leaves us with the partridges, the pear trees, the turtledoves, French hens, calling birds, gold rings, geese, swans and mates. All right? Which is now for all intents and purposes, a fucking farm. So, you know, thanks, love. Right, so, yeah, to be fair, right, 40 beta milk in presumably one cow each, right? Now, I can't see them holding on one teat each, right? So I'm assuming that each maid has got like their own cow, okay, Right. Now, unfortunately, times is hard and we don't need 40 maids to milk our 39 cows, because if you'll remember, we've sacrificed one to feed all of the lords and the ladies and the drummers and the pipers, right? So we've got 39 cows left. Now, according to the Internet, one person can milk 20 to 30 cows a day by hand. Right. So to be on the safe side, cover for holidays and sickness, things like that, we're going to cut it down to three maids. Right. Sorry to the rest of you, you just gotta go. Right, now we need to pay our maids, who will also double as swan wranglers, goose gambits, hen hustlers, dove duelers and partridge pitchers. So the annual living wage in the UK is about 26,000 pounds a year. That's what we're going to put them on. Right? That is £78,000 a year that we've got a magic app and there's no sick pay. So, you know, that's, that's where we're going. Let us deal with you, alright? Let us deal with the swans first. Swans are nasty little shits. They cost hundreds of pounds a year to feed and if you're lucky, you'll get a thousand pound for a breeding pair. So we're gonna make the assumption that we've actually got 21 breeding pairs because our gift giver at least put some logic into this frankly insane gift. So we're gonna flog them off for 20k. Bargain. All right, got 20k. Geese. Geese we can do something with. Now, one goose egg is about £1 75 and we've got 42 of the buggers laying. Only problem is the geese aren't like chickens and they don't lay all year round. Right. They average about 40 eggs in spring and summer. So if every goose lays 40 eggs, we can make about three grand. Okay. Which is essentially what it's going to cost us to keep them alive in winter, you know, feeding them seeds and hay and whatnot. Right. So I think so far this is a pretty gift. So what we're gonna do is we're gonna keep them alive until next winter. We're gonna sell them then for about 130 pounds each, giving us about five and a half thousand pound profit. Which means we have so far paid for one of our milkmaids. That's it. We've. We've paid for one milk maid. So we're down to our partridges, our pear trees, our turtle doves, French hens, the calling birds and gold rings. So. So to pay for the other two milk maids for the year and of course keep our 39 cows alive, we've got to work through this. So now, calling birds, in the original version of the song, they were collie birds, which is another name for a blackbird, right? Which, you know, while blackbirds are Lovely. Let's face it, they are better off in the wild. So we're just gonna let those guys roam free and hopefully they'll come back for a little visit. Now, thankfully, French hens are generally very prolific egg producers, giving us 300 eggs per year per hen. Right. Which is about 9,000 eggs. And we're gonna make sure each of our French hens are free range, organic, happy little buggers. Which means that we can charge five pound a dozen for our French hen eggs. That gives us about 3,750 quid, which is shit, because we're gonna spend about a thousand pounds a year on food for them, giving us about 2,750 quid, which is essentially the vet bills. Right. So the hens are wiping their own face. We've still got two milkmaids to pay and all these cows to look after.

[Paul]

This isn't going well.

[Dustin]

It's not going well. So we've got left partridges, pear trees, turtledoves and gold rings. We'll deal with the turtle doves next. Turns out it's actually illegal to own genuine native British turtle doves because they're highly endangered. Right. So there are domesticated versions. But what we're gonna do is we're gonna turn our turtle doves over to the local, local zoo and hope that the Rozers don't ask too many questions about where we got them from. Partridges, well, we had to provide some kind of entertainment for the lords and unfortunately they were on those buggers quicker than you could shake a croquet bat at. So that leaves us with 12 pear trees giving us 1200 kilograms of pears annually, which we're gonna turn into 800 litres of Perry will flog it 10 pounds a liter, giving us eight grand, you know, minus the cost of the machinery and the bottling and the advertising. So we're gonna need more than 12 pear trees to make any kind of profit. It basically all hangs on the 40 gold rings.

[Paul]

Yep.

[Dustin]

Presumably they mean finger rings, not like rings you might put through the nose of a bull or something. Right. So we're going to assume that they went for like 18 karat gold. Right. I. I think it's frankly the only chance that we have of this working. Right. We're going to say that they're a good weight, valued at 500 pound each, which gives us 20 grand.

[Paul]

Yeah.

[Dustin]

It's still not enough to pay for our maids. In conclusion, it were a really shit gift and the only thing that you can do is try and flog the lot down the market next Tuesday. There is no sense in keeping any of it. And it really does make me wonder how on Earth farmers keep going. Oh, it doesn't look like anyone's believing, Avi. At least not in any great numbers.

[Paul]

Ah. I told you. Your carbon dioxide levels are off a nickel, bloody nickel in this part of the galaxy. At those levels. Are you mad?

[Avi]

Hey.

[Dustin]

Yay. Yay. Look, luckily nearly everyone is falling for it. We made it round the sun, neatly hiding those course corrections under the guise of fracturing. And now we're headed straight for Earth.

[Ralph]

Ahem.

[Dustin]

Ahem, ahem, ahem. What?

[Ralph]

Sort of.

[Paul]

Sort of straight to Earth?

[Dustin]

Sort of. Sort of.

[Ralph]

Within two au?

[Paul]

Within two Earth. Some distances we're closer on bloody Mars. You twerp.

[Dustin]

You lot of dispositions. You don't care about the fishing trip.

[Paul]

Ah, bollocks of this. I'm off. You coming, Millard?

[Dustin]

Yeah, sort this. Just loading the remaining jars onto the Ralph. Executive idiocy negating. Doubly engineered excellent roaming satellites.

[Paul]

Great stuff. String them out in front and let's get this Tesla going. Enjoy your galactic trip, Ralph.

[Ralph]

Hang on. I can't help when my rotten brain doesn't work properly. Don't leave me with them or make me keep eating the stuff in those jars.

[Dustin]

Sorry, not sorry. No room for idiocy here. This is an island of sanity in a sea of confusion. Eat farts, Ralph.

[Avi]

Meanwhile, back on Earth. Aha. I knew they wouldn't come. Once I spread the word off they go away forever.

[Paul]

Hang on.

[Avi]

What is that? Is that. It's red.

[Dustin]

It can't be.

[Avi]

No way that's the bloody Tesla. What's in front? Shit, it's eight reindeers. I gotta turn up the heat. Elon, mate. Yeah, it's me, Avi.

[Paul]

Luke.

[Avi]

I need to borrow a Starlink. It's a matter of. Of national security. I don't know, just make it look like it's one tumbling out of control and then maybe like, you know. Yes, yes. No, they'll never know it's there. No, they'll never know it's. I still love you. Yes, Mars is still yours when you want it.

[Dustin]

Okay.

[Avi]

Okay. Okay, Bye.

[Paul]

Grand Emperor of Mars.

[Dustin]

Too old fashioned. Too old fashioned.

[Paul]

Supreme Overlord of Mars. Well, you do better then.

[Dustin]

Christ.

[Paul]

Nah, I'm pretty sure that was cousin Jesus. Idea.

[Dustin]

No, no, no, I mean. Christ. What the bloody hell is that?

[Paul]

Holy shit. It's a StarLink. That fucker. Elo.

[Dustin]

Evasive maneuvers. Lose the reindeers.

[Paul]

Recording. Boom.

[Dustin]

Recording. Hello, Dustin. Oh, sweetness and light of our lives. Are you ready for this? It's gonna be amazing.

[Paul]

We're gonna smash it. One take.

[Dustin]

Oh, if I can find the hole. That's what he said. There we go. Right. Ready?

[Paul]

Ready.

[Dustin]

Dear Paul, Dr. Jen, Dustin, John and Damien. Oh, I had a little burp then, so I'm gonna do that again.

[Paul]

Hear me? Wrong.

[Dustin]

I know, right?

[Paul]

Well, once more, the gerbil of time dies in the wheel of destiny. I'll start that again. Chai.

[Dustin]

Sorry, that caught me completely off guard.

[Paul]

Oh, that was good.

[Dustin]

Sorry.

[Paul]

Go on.

[Avi]

Will our future Martian overlord and Earthling sidekick make it back to Mars? Tune in next time to find out.

[Ralph]

Awesome Astronomy is produced by Ralph, Paul, Jen, John, Damian and Dustin and is free to use with attribution. Theme music by Star Soulsman with stinger variation by Rin Jorgensen. We promote general science, astronomy, space exploration and rational thinking with more resources on our [e-mail] if you want us to read your thoughts and comments out on the show, send us your views, opinions, critiques or questions to the [e-mail] tweet us @awesomeastropod or give the Offer Astronomy Facebook page a like and leave your comments there. Thanks for listening. From Cydonia Base Head of transmission.