Dead Dad's w/ Harland Williams

Summary

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Bad Friends – "Dead Dad's" w/ Harland Williams

Hosts: Bobby Lee & Andrew Santino
Guest: Harland Williams
Date: September 1, 2025

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Episode Overview

This episode of Bad Friends features comedian Harland Williams joining Bobby Lee and Andrew Santino. The trio embarks on their signature blend of freewheeling, absurdist banter, personal confessions, and playful roasts. The core theme revolves around vulnerability between friends, dealing with loss (especially the passing of fathers), the odd rituals and traditions that come with grief, and the comedic ways people mask discomfort and emotional distance. Alongside these sincere undercurrents, the episode is packed with running gags, surreal storytelling, and the group’s irrepressible shame-free humor.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Aging, Botox, and Asian Stereotypes

[00:27–02:27]

• Bobby jokes about getting Botox after seeing an unflattering photo (“Do I look like a shrinking frog?”).
• Harland encourages accepting aging, referencing Asian stereotypes about "waking up as Yoda" overnight.
  • Quote:
    “One night long ago…I went to sheep. I woke up as Yoda.”
    – Bobby Lee [01:59]
• Light-hearted banter about wisdom, knowledge quizzes, and aging gracefully.

2. City & Music Trivia Game

[02:27–05:19]

• Harland quizzes Bobby on geography and album trivia, leading to amusing mistakes and correct answers.
• The segment highlights Bobby’s self-deprecating humor and the group's camaraderie.
  • Quote:
    “Albany, New Mexico…No, Albany, New York. That was a tough one.”
    – Bobby Lee [02:57]
  • Quote:
    “You know a lot of stuff, dude.”
    – Harland Williams [04:49]

3. Fun Tang, Dating & Physical Comedy

[06:28–08:41]

• The hosts riff on the meaning of “Fun Tang,” using it as innuendo for action (“When’s the last time you had Fun Tang?”).
• Discussion about one-night stands vs relationships in Los Angeles.
• Hilarious detour into Bobby and Carlos’s kissing techniques.
  • Quote:
    “What I do is I don’t go tongue first. I don’t do bonsai style…I don’t do sneak attacks.”
    – Bobby Lee [08:05]
  • Group riff comparing Pearl Harbor to kiss sneak attacks, featuring Bobby: “I back off. I don’t actually hit Pearl Harbor.” [08:24]

4. Titanic, Noah’s Ark & Cultural Commentary

[10:18–13:30]

• Imagining alternate historical scenarios (e.g., a kamikaze who becomes king of a Hawaiian island).
• Joking about the diversity of passengers on the Titanic and overlooked history.
  • Quote:
    “They don’t want to admit the truth, that they want you to still go to the museum. That’s why.”
    – Harland Williams [11:09]
• Musical interlude: The group sings and analyzes the “Noah’s Ark” song, poking fun at omitted animals.
  • Quote:
    “But you won’t see no dinosaur—that is the real song.”
    – Harland Williams [12:26]

5. Sadness, Performance Anxiety & Vulnerability

[13:44–15:12]

• Bobby opens up about recent struggles:
  “The last two weeks have been the worst two weeks of my life.”
  – Bobby Lee [13:44]
• Harland and Andrew reassure Bobby, noting his strong performance at The Comedy Store.
  • Quote:
    “You seem to notice that 10 out of 10, though…you didn’t miss.”
    – Harland Williams [14:00]

6. Burning Man, Making Art, and Fear of Releasing Work

[20:09–22:48]

• Andrew shares stories about Burning Man: its barter system, transformative power, and the beauty of the experience.
  • Quote:
    “Everyone in the world should go…If you need something, you knock on a trailer. ‘Give me a sandwich.’”
    – Andrew Santino [21:11]
• Andrew admits to having made but never released a documentary (“Burning Men”) and discusses creative insecurity.
  • Quote:
    “It’s all done, edited, everything…But I do a lot of that. I’ll make things and never put them out.”
    – Andrew Santino [22:28]

7. Leg Strength, Secret Athleticism, and Competitive Drive

[23:11–24:11]

• The hosts share anecdotes about their unexpected athletic prowess.
• Discussion shifts to racquetball games with Dane Cook (“He’s new, I’ve been playing for, like, nine years…” – Santino [24:04]).

8. Absurd Therapy, Ouija Board Bit & Emotional Honesty

[25:02–27:46]

• Harland invents a “Ouija Therapy” class at DeVry, assigning facial expressions to letters.
• Surreal bit about communication as Ouija séances.
  • Quote:
    “Because your face is so expressive…they sort of assign areas of your face, almost like the keypad.”
    – Harland Williams [25:19]

9. Books, Anxiety, and the Special’s Pressure

[28:01–31:27]

• Sharing book recommendations: Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead, Stephen King’s The Stand, and Bobby’s choice Hear Yourself.
• Bobby discusses meditation and tackling anxiety about his upcoming special.
  • Quote:
    “Nothing. I don’t know what it is, but I’m trying to…a lot of anxiety. So I’m trying to calm…”
    – Bobby Lee [31:06]

10. A “Chocolate” Guru & Master-Disciple Skit

[31:48–34:33]

• Andrew becomes a satirical “chocolate master,” doling out advice with faux profundity.
• The segment lampoons spiritual advice and dodges real solutions with humor.
  • Quote:
    “Chocolate.”
    – Andrew Santino, deadpan as “master” [32:17]
  • Quote:
    “Ride the anxiety like a snake, like a dragon…just take it onto the stage.”
    – Andrew Santino [34:33]

11. Imposter Syndrome & Handling Fame

[34:03–35:52]

• Bobby reflects on imposter syndrome and the challenge of public recognition.
  • Quote:
    “I just have a conflict about it. What do I do, Master?”
    – Bobby Lee [34:16]

12. Gross-out & Cultural Rituals: Shoeys and Spa Nudity

[47:50–48:46], [65:56–66:43]

• Harland demonstrates an “Australian shoey” (drinking out of your shoe) for laughs.
  • “You pour a drink in it and you chug it.”
    – Harland Williams [49:02]
• Later, they discuss emotional barriers and consider spa nudity as a possible solution to connect more deeply.
  • “We should go to the Wii Spa…sit around like real men and just real men.”
    – Harland Williams [65:59]
• Ridiculous but surprisingly honest talk about embracing vulnerability among male friends.

13. The “Dead Dad” Story & The Corn Shirt

[42:44–46:58]

• Santino tells a deliberately absurd story about his father’s comically outrageous “final destination”-style death involving a marlin, a ceiling fan, and piranhas, all while wearing a corn-print shirt.
  • Quote:
    “We’re sitting there, Malachi pops out…The old man goes back, hits the wall…The marlin cuts loose from its hanging…The snout goes into the old man’s spine…He put his hand into the piranha tank, these things took off two of his fingers…”
    – Andrew Santino [44:25]
• The group roasts the shirt and riffs on grief traditions, using surreal storytelling to process genuine emotions.

14. Barriers, Vulnerability, and Male Friendship

[56:00–64:15]

• The trio get “real” about opening up, emotional walls, and feeling distant or misunderstood despite years of friendship.
  • Quote:
    “Buddy tries to get in, and you guys will open the door so far. But then Buddy…can’t get all the way in and be Buddy. Buddy.”
    – Andrew Santino [58:17]
  • Quote:
    “The janitor built a wall. And I need you to get over that wall…and come to me.”
    – Andrew Santino [62:32]
• In a rare serious burst, Bobby expresses affection and trust for Andrew, and the trio agree there’s a childlike glee in their dynamic—while still poking fun at their inability to truly open up.

15. Riddles, Puzzles, and Classic TV

[69:45–73:14]

• Bobby and Andrew trade classic riddles, including the “female surgeon” puzzle from All in the Family.
  • Quote:
    “That riddle came from an episode of All in the Family…In the ’70s, that was actually a very difficult riddle…”
    – Andrew Santino [71:04]
• The trio end the show in playful, sharp-witted competition.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Do I look like a shrinking frog?”—Bobby Lee commenting on aging [00:46]
• “I’m gonna turn into Yoda one day.” — Bobby Lee [02:10]
• “It’s a mechanical error. I couldn’t do it. Then you swim to Hawaii and go, I’m Hawaiian.” — Bobby Lee (on dodging a kamikaze mission) [09:00]
• “Nothing says a good sandwich in the desert like tuna.” — Harland Williams [21:46]
• “You know a lot of stuff, dude.” — Harland Williams [04:49]
• “I’ll make things and never put them out…I think we all do that as artists.” — Andrew Santino [22:28]
• “Chocolate.” — Andrew Santino as the guru [32:17]
• “Ride the anxiety like a snake, like a dragon…just take it onto the stage.” — Andrew Santino [34:33]
• “We’re just two kids in a schoolyard, jumping with glee.” — Bobby Lee [62:11]
• “The janitor built a wall. And I need you to get over that wall.” — Andrew Santino [62:32]
• “We’re a Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys mystery type of setup where maybe we don’t want to give the ending away.” — Andrew Santino [69:16]
• “[On dad’s death:] My old man, it’s like a Final Destination…” — Andrew Santino [45:31]
• “Drink out of your shoe! That’s what Australians do.” — Harland Williams [48:49]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Botox, aging & Yoda joke: [00:27–02:27]
• Trivia game & knowledge talk: [02:27–05:19]
• Fun Tang & kissing styles: [06:28–08:41]
• Titanic & Noah's Ark songs: [10:18–13:30]
• Bobby opens up about sadness: [13:44–15:12]
• Burning Man doc & insecurity: [20:09–22:48]
• Comedy, books & anxiety: [28:01–31:27]
• Chocolate master guru skit: [31:48–34:33]
• Imposter syndrome/fame: [34:03–35:52]
• Father’s bizarre death (corn shirt): [42:44–46:58]
• Shoeys and spa nudity to promote vulnerability: [47:50–48:46] / [65:56–66:43]
• Getting “real” about friendship: [56:00–64:15]
• Riddles and classic TV reference: [69:45–73:14]

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Summary & Takeaway

Dead Dad’s w/ Harland Williams covers a colorful, unfiltered, and surprisingly touching journey through male friendship, grief, emotional evasion, and the struggle to form meaningful connections. While the show remains grounded in offbeat, rapid-fire comedy, it exposes the anxiety, imposter syndrome, and yearning for intimacy beneath the surface. Whether they’re roasting each other over corn shirts, recounting surreal death stories, or negotiating the boundaries of vulnerability, the trio reveals how comedy can both shield and reveal genuine feeling. It’s a classic Bad Friends episode: wild, weird, but ultimately quite human.

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Transcript

[Bobby Lee]

Packages by Expedia. You were made to occasionally take the hard route to the top of the Eiffel Tower. We were made to easily bundle your trip Expedia. Made to travel flight inclusive. Packages are atoll protected.

[Andrew Santino]

You two are bad friends.

[Harlan Williams]

Who are these two idiots?

[Bobby Lee]

A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. Well, you two are something.

[Andrew Santino]

We're bad friends.

[Bobby Lee]

I'm gonna get Botox.

[Harlan Williams]

Don't. Please don't get.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, I'm getting Botox. I have to.

[Harlan Williams]

Why?

[Bobby Lee]

Because I look old now. It's catching up.

[Harlan Williams]

And time out. I know exactly where this started.

[Bobby Lee]

Where?

[Harlan Williams]

Do you guys know where this started? Macon was with me. Yeah, I know where it started.

[Bobby Lee]

That photo you posted.

[Harlan Williams]

I posted a photo on my story.

[Bobby Lee]

That angle. Never again. Dude.

[Harlan Williams]

Brother, it looks like you.

[Bobby Lee]

Do I look like a shrinking frog?

[Andrew Santino]

You are.

[Bobby Lee]

It doesn't. It was not good.

[Andrew Santino]

I thought.

[Bobby Lee]

The bags, the liver spots. I gotta get Botox.

[Harlan Williams]

You don't have liver spots.

[Bobby Lee]

I do. Look at. On the sides.

[Harlan Williams]

Those are freckles, dude.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, they're gigantic freckles. Samoan freckles. That's what I have on my face.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Samoa freckle.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Listen. That's what I'm gonna look like.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. The oil.

[Andrew Santino]

Oil.

[Harlan Williams]

London.

[Bobby Lee]

Right? Yeah. I mean, I don't think people would notice if I got Botox.

[Harlan Williams]

I think they would.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay.

[Harlan Williams]

Do AI Bobby with Bobby Lee with Botox. Can we see that?

[Bobby Lee]

But if I get Botox. New rule. You can't make fun of me. You can't make fun of me, dude.

[Andrew Santino]

Old rule.

[Harlan Williams]

Yes, I can.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay.

[Harlan Williams]

Old rule. No, of course I won't make fun of you if. If you. First of all, you're not going to get Botox.

[Bobby Lee]

I am.

[Harlan Williams]

No, you're not. Where would you get it?

[Bobby Lee]

Korea.

[Harlan Williams]

No, I'm saying, where? On your face.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, my God. My eyes. Like the puffiness on the sides here. The lips a little bit.

[Harlan Williams]

Don't you just want to age gracefully? Don't you just want to age gracefully? Because you're doing a great job. Everybody thinks you're 40. No one knows you're about to turn 54 years old. Nobody knows that except for everybody that's listening to the show right now.

[Bobby Lee]

I know, but you know what happens to Asians, right?

[Harlan Williams]

What?

[Bobby Lee]

The old rule.

[Harlan Williams]

What's the old rule?

[Bobby Lee]

One night. One night long ago. Wrong ago, I went to sheep.

[Harlan Williams]

What happened?

[Bobby Lee]

I woke up as Yoda.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, you think you're gonna turn into.

[Bobby Lee]

I'm gonna turn the Yoda one day.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, okay, then if you get it? We're all getting it. That's it.

[Bobby Lee]

No, here's the thing, okay, Cuz Richie needs it too.

[Harlan Williams]

Look at his face.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, but he's those old. 22, 23.

[Andrew Santino]

How old?

[Harlan Williams]

24.

[Andrew Santino]

Just turn 24, right?

[Harlan Williams]

That's right. We asked. Yeah, but think about it and give it some good perspective. Yoda was so wise, everybody went to him for advice.

[Bobby Lee]

But I don't know. I don't know anything.

[Harlan Williams]

Yes, you do.

[Bobby Lee]

Ask me something.

[Harlan Williams]

Ask me, how many floors is the Empire State Building?

[Bobby Lee]

I don't know.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, neither do I.

[Bobby Lee]

All right, you're fine. How about this? Give me a capital or a city and a state and I. I think I'm going to give you the state.

[Harlan Williams]

Easy.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay, go.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, country. Or you want a city in a.

[Bobby Lee]

State and I'll tell you what the state is.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay, what is. What is the capital?

[Bobby Lee]

No, not the capital. Just give me a city.

[Harlan Williams]

Give you any city.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Albany.

[Bobby Lee]

Albany, New Mexico.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, it's new.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

New York.

[Bobby Lee]

Albany, New York. That was a tough one.

[Harlan Williams]

Really?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Yeah. Give me another one. Give me another one.

[Harlan Williams]

Springfield, Ohio. Well, there is. There is one there for sure. There's one in every state.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay, well, that's a trick one.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay, how about this? Sacramento, California.

[Bobby Lee]

Come on.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay. Lubbock, Texas.

[Bobby Lee]

Very good.

[Harlan Williams]

Zizzix.

[Bobby Lee]

Isx.

[Harlan Williams]

Zizzix.

[Bobby Lee]

London, England.

[Harlan Williams]

No, that's here.

[Bobby Lee]

Isix.

[Harlan Williams]

What's it? It's XXY xx. Zizix. It's in.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, that's a good one.

[Harlan Williams]

You've seen it? It's in the desert.

[Bobby Lee]

I saw it in the desert ones.

[Harlan Williams]

Zizzix.

[Bobby Lee]

Zizzix. But that's a road, not a city.

[Harlan Williams]

I think it's a city.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, it's a city.

[Harlan Williams]

Zizz, formerly Soda Springs, is an unincorporated town in San Bernardino County. By the way, I heard it was a developmental town for like a rehab clinic and it never took off.

[Bobby Lee]

Fun Tang.

[Harlan Williams]

That's got to be China.

[Bobby Lee]

I made it up.

[Harlan Williams]

Fun Tang.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, it could be anywhere.

[Harlan Williams]

Sounds like a Chinese town.

[Bobby Lee]

That's my nickname.

[Harlan Williams]

Welcome to Fun Tang.

[Bobby Lee]

That's your.

[Harlan Williams]

That was your nickname in high school.

[Bobby Lee]

All right, well, I. I know.

[Harlan Williams]

Look, you know a lot of things, all right?

[Bobby Lee]

Give me a random thing that maybe I. You might not think that. I know.

[Harlan Williams]

How about. How about like, give me the name of the. Of the first album released.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, my God, it's panic already.

[Harlan Williams]

You know music so well.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, I don't know.

[Harlan Williams]

Give me the first album released by.

[Bobby Lee]

I.

[Harlan Williams]

Trying to think of some Something easy. What?

[Bobby Lee]

Talking.

[Harlan Williams]

Talking heads.

[Bobby Lee]

Talking Heads, 1977.

[Harlan Williams]

Perfect. See, you know a lot of stuff. I mean, you have to lead me to it. We'll get there.

[Bobby Lee]

I. How about. How about Metallica's first album?

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, that's good.

[Harlan Williams]

I don't. I don't know. What is it?

[Bobby Lee]

Kill Them All, I think.

[Harlan Williams]

Was that the first album?

[Bobby Lee]

Kill them all.

[Harlan Williams]

Ron McGovney, 82 Garage demo. Kill Them all, full album.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Harlan Williams]

Got it.

[Bobby Lee]

Thank you, Lord. Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

You know a lot of stuff, dude.

[Bobby Lee]

Did you know anything? Richie, did you know any of those?

[Harlan Williams]

No, I didn't know anything.

[Bobby Lee]

I know what you'll know. What was REM's first album? Look at your face.

[Harlan Williams]

Come on, you know this.

[Bobby Lee]

Losing a Religion.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, that's the one. That's the one. Yeah. That's not the first album. That's not the first. Yeah, yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Richie, are you wearing a sweater?

[Bobby Lee]

I am wearing.

[Harlan Williams]

It's like, 94 outside.

[Bobby Lee]

But doesn't he look like a college rock band bassist?

[Harlan Williams]

He looks like a guy who's tinkering away with microchips in a basement.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay.

[Harlan Williams]

And we don't know if he's on our team or against us yet.

[Bobby Lee]

I think it looked like Mike Mills from the rem.

[Harlan Williams]

By the way, Richie looks like every guy from a band in the 90s.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Every band. Oh, yeah. You kind of do look like him.

[Bobby Lee]

Dude, you're that type of white.

[Harlan Williams]

Do you think I could rock those shades? No, no, no.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

No. You can't even rock the glasses you're wearing right now. I'm actually allergic to them. To glasses? To these glasses. What do you mean you're allergic to them? I just found out. So I'm allergic to metal now. So it's like, I. And these were my backup, so I broke my plastic pair and then when I put these on now, like, my ears all. Can we cut to commercial right now? Wait a minute. You're allergic to metal? I've never heard of that in my life. Yeah, so I just found out this myself.

[Bobby Lee]

Contacts. Use contacts.

[Harlan Williams]

I don't have any contacts.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, you can't afford them?

[Harlan Williams]

No, I just. I didn't like how I put them in my eye. It hurt.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, okay.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay. So, people, metal allergies are a type of allergic contact dermatitis. Delayed hypersensitivity reaction.

[Bobby Lee]

Wow.

[Harlan Williams]

So what happens. What's going to happen to you with these on? I don't know. I just got a bumpy ear and I gotta figure that out. Oh, buddy, you're a Hypochondriac.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

The bump on your ear has nothing to do with the glasses on your face. What's it from? Should you tell him or.

[Bobby Lee]

No, I didn't. Listening.

[Harlan Williams]

It's from fun Tang.

[Bobby Lee]

It was from. Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

A little bit too much fun Tang. You're end up with bumps on your face. But I like a little fun Tang. Careful, Richie.

[Bobby Lee]

Richie.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay, you're not. We're not.

[Bobby Lee]

What's the last time you had fun tang, Richie?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. When's the last time you got some fun Tang? I like the fun Tang.

[Bobby Lee]

No, no. When's the last time you had fun Tang?

[Harlan Williams]

When was the last time you had some fun tang Fontang? Like two or so weeks ago. You did.

[Bobby Lee]

What's the definition of fontang, Richie?

[Harlan Williams]

Fontang. It's a food.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, okay.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, it is a noodle for. Yeah, that's right.

[Bobby Lee]

Let me reward it. Word it. Let me kind of reword.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

When's the last time you got some action?

[Harlan Williams]

Action?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

When's the last time you got laid, Rich? Like probably this month, but like earlier in the month. Like end of. Beginning of July.

[Bobby Lee]

Roughly the beginning of July. One time.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. Just once.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

We do our best.

[Bobby Lee]

I have. Like. Who's we? You and your clan.

[Harlan Williams]

Him and his penis.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Wait a minute. So was this a one time Was. Do you do one night stands or you only. I do, but LA is weird. It's like I don't like the one night stands and I feel like people lean more towards that, but I'm more against it. I'm in the search of relationship. But people don't want to. We're gonna find you love.

[Bobby Lee]

I'm gonna find you love.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. I do think you deserve a really good. A good relationship. Well, thank you. You know who loves one night stands is Carlos. Is the king of one night stand.

[Bobby Lee]

You can teach you a lot.

[Harlan Williams]

Are you not?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, unfortunately.

[Harlan Williams]

Why is that unfortunate?

[Andrew Santino]

You.

[Harlan Williams]

Do you want a relationship now?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, it's just been years and years of. Are you a good kisser, Carlos?

[Andrew Santino]

I think I'm good.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

I got to be honest with you.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Great kisser.

[Bobby Lee]

Really?

[Harlan Williams]

He's a great kisser.

[Bobby Lee]

Kiss.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. You guys.

[Bobby Lee]

You and I. Yeah, but we've not. Open mouth. Yeah, a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

You guys have kissed.

[Bobby Lee]

What I do is I don't go tongue first. What? What? I. I don't do bonsai style, you know, I don't do Pearl Harbor.

[Harlan Williams]

All right.

[Bobby Lee]

I don't do sneak attacks.

[Harlan Williams]

You don't?

[Bobby Lee]

No. I make the noise. And then I go back.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, you back.

[Bobby Lee]

I go. I back off. Right. I don't actually hit Pearl Harbor.

[Harlan Williams]

Right.

[Andrew Santino]

You.

[Harlan Williams]

You pull up.

[Andrew Santino]

Pull up.

[Bobby Lee]

Pull up. I pull up. I'm that coward. Remember in Godzilla minus one, the guy who couldn't do it? I'm that guy.

[Harlan Williams]

He just couldn't do it.

[Bobby Lee]

No, he didn't do it. He bailed.

[Harlan Williams]

I would have been that guy too.

[Bobby Lee]

Me too.

[Harlan Williams]

By the way, you're in a plane. You can't catch me. I'm gone.

[Bobby Lee]

I know, but you still.

[Andrew Santino]

Where are you?

[Bobby Lee]

I know, but in. In Godzilla minus one, he had to land at an airfield.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

And he's like, oh, my. My plane's broke. And he was like, you're playing not bro. Yeah, it's perfect condition. It's a perfect condition. But I think I would go pretty close and then pull up when you.

[Harlan Williams]

Would just say, it's a. It's a mechanical error. I couldn't do it.

[Bobby Lee]

A check button. Right.

[Harlan Williams]

But then you're out over the ocean.

[Bobby Lee]

No. Then you swim to Hawaii and go, I'm Ohio.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, that's true. That.

[Bobby Lee]

Right. Why can't they say they're Hawaiian? They kind of look Hawaiian.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, there's certainly a ton of.

[Bobby Lee]

There were Japanese people in Hawaii. Yeah. Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

So you're. You'd fit in. I guess that makes perfect sense. You think? There's a story of a guy. That's a movie we need to write for Bobby. The one Kamakazi who didn't do it.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

And he ended up living in Hawaii, like becoming the king of one of the small little islands.

[Bobby Lee]

There's no.

[Harlan Williams]

And then what? What?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, there were no kings back then.

[Harlan Williams]

It's a made up. You become a king of a little tiny island and then some. Someone. An ex. An ex military. After years later, 30 years down the road.

[Bobby Lee]

You.

[Harlan Williams]

Me?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

I. I'm suspicious. I come this little island, I marry a Hawaiian, and I'm like, who is this guy?

[Bobby Lee]

Mommy?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. Who. Who are you?

[Bobby Lee]

Gilbert.

[Harlan Williams]

You're King Gilbert, huh?

[Bobby Lee]

King Gilbert of the 9th. There's generation. Generation of Gilbert.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, there's a rumor that you bailed as a kamikaze pilot. That's kind of being spread around.

[Bobby Lee]

Look at my hair. Carpal tunnel. Both hands.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, you can't fly.

[Bobby Lee]

I can't fly.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, that makes perfect sense. All right, well, God bless you, King Gilbert.

[Bobby Lee]

And then cut to an hour later, I'm jerking off, and then you catch me.

[Harlan Williams]

He can use his hands. Yeah, dude, this is good. And then you need my help. And I need your help.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Like in Titanic, for instance, I think I would have gotten off that boat pretty quickly.

[Harlan Williams]

You'd be so dead.

[Bobby Lee]

Well, I'd probably be bottom, though. You and I, your upper deck.

[Harlan Williams]

The Irish. No, dude, we were in the basement.

[Bobby Lee]

Bottom deck. The.

[Harlan Williams]

I think the Irish were. Were like. The Irish were held in the basement, right? Yeah, we were down low.

[Bobby Lee]

Down low. I would climb. I would climb over people.

[Harlan Williams]

You know what's so funny to think about that? I like when they say, like, there's no. There's no order and chaos. Like, I would have killed so many people to. To survive.

[Bobby Lee]

What were the Asians doing down there, though? What were their jobs, you think?

[Harlan Williams]

Probably scooping coal into the fire to, like, make the. Make the boat engine, Right?

[Bobby Lee]

Hey, Chan, we got a free trip.

[Harlan Williams]

Where? Where to?

[Bobby Lee]

I don't know where we're going in the Arctic. But you know what? All we have to do is put the coal in the. In the thing, and all of a sudden, you're drowning.

[Harlan Williams]

You're gone.

[Bobby Lee]

They don't tell you the race. They just tell you it's common fault.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. Because they don't want to admit the truth, that they want you to still go to the museum. That's why.

[Andrew Santino]

That's what.

[Harlan Williams]

They still want you to watch the movie.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Once you learn of the actual atrocities that took place, then. Then it loses the lore. It loses some of, like, the. The. The. The sparkliness.

[Andrew Santino]

They're like.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, it was a bunch of minorities in the basement.

[Andrew Santino]

They're like that.

[Harlan Williams]

Don't worry about that. Don't worry about any of that.

[Bobby Lee]

Wow.

[Harlan Williams]

I want to go. Isn't there a. Isn't there, like, a huge Titanic museum somewhere and you can go visit, like, a perfect replica?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

It's in the ocean, though.

[Harlan Williams]

No, no, no, though.

[Bobby Lee]

I've gone to the real one.

[Harlan Williams]

You went down there?

[Bobby Lee]

I went down there, too. Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

That sound still haunts me. When those people went down. Richie, you're laughing. It's kind of funny. You are just like, Fancy. He's sick like, fancy. Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Where is that?

[Harlan Williams]

Let's go to that Branson, Missouri, dude.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Yakov Lacone will be near Branson, Missouri. We have to go there.

[Bobby Lee]

I want to go to that. And Noah's Ark.

[Harlan Williams]

They rebuilt that?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to see Noah's. Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

You believe that they got one of every animal?

[Bobby Lee]

I do believe it. I'm not a naysayer.

[Andrew Santino]

Kentucky.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. You gotta cram it in there, though.

[Harlan Williams]

I don't know. You know what's so funny though, when you listen to the song. Two alligators and long neck geese Some humpty back camels there's no way there's a song. Chimpanzees, there's a scene. Cats and rats and elephants and birds galore oh, yeah. You don't know that song? Yeah, no, I'm not making it up. Look, give me the lyrics.

[Bobby Lee]

There's an actual.

[Harlan Williams]

Two alligators and long neck geese Some humpty back camels and some chimpanzees Some cats and rats and elephants and birds galore but you won't see no dinosaur that is the real song. Type in some of those lyrics and you'll see so do do cats and rats and elephants and birds galore but.

[Bobby Lee]

Dinosaurs really didn't exist. You know what it was?

[Harlan Williams]

What? The devil did it. You think so? See, he's buying into it. This is Korean church coming back into play. Here. AI will find it here. Noah's Ark. The unicorn. Oh, you won't find no unicorn. Is that what it is? There were green.

[Andrew Santino]

Go up.

[Harlan Williams]

There it is. There are green alligators and long neck ease Some humpty back camels and some chimpanzees Some cats and rats and elephants and sure as you're born the loveliest of all was the unicorn See Good old Noah was there to answer the call Finish making the ark just as.

[Bobby Lee]

The start of rainfall but where are the wombats in the song?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, where are those?

[Bobby Lee]

I want to know all the animals. Wombats.

[Harlan Williams]

Where's all these animals?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Philippines.

[Bobby Lee]

Red panda. Is a red panda in there?

[Harlan Williams]

That's my dog.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Red panda for life. You don't believe the dinosaurs existed, huh?

[Bobby Lee]

I really do believe that. Of course I did. I was silly. Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

No, but he thinks maybe they got us.

[Bobby Lee]

Maybe. But why would the devil do it?

[Harlan Williams]

Can't have good without evil.

[Bobby Lee]

But sadness is a real thing, too.

[Harlan Williams]

You're not sad, though. You've been happier than you've ever been. I've noticed.

[Bobby Lee]

The last two weeks has been the worst two weeks of my life.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay, well, let's. This is what Bobby does. And it pissed me off last night at the Comedy Store. I even said this in the recording today. Had the kid absolutely smashed a piece.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, but I was sad up there.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, then be more sad because you're killing, I hope, for your taping. You're sad because you crushed.

[Bobby Lee]

I think I left immediately.

[Harlan Williams]

You seem to notice that 10 out of 10, though. You hit 10 home runs. It was crazy. Every joke you spit out, I was like, man, that's a hit. That one's a hit. That one's a hit. That one's a hit. You didn't miss.

[Bobby Lee]

Amen.

[Harlan Williams]

And then we gave Dax Flame a joke. Dax read one of our jokes.

[Bobby Lee]

Did he. Did he really do it?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, he did it.

[Bobby Lee]

What was the joke?

[Harlan Williams]

I mean, it did really well, I hope, right?

[Bobby Lee]

At.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, he said the joke was, we're going back to this again. We were actually talking about this last night.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay.

[Harlan Williams]

It was. California in 1948, outlawed the chair.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

And Bobby wrote the punchline, which was. That's crazy because I went to Ikea and Burbank and they had a ton of chairs. It crushed.

[Bobby Lee]

It did.

[Andrew Santino]

It killed.

[Harlan Williams]

It absolutely killed.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

It was a great joke.

[Bobby Lee]

Did he do the tag that I made up? He said, and I sat on one and I didn't die.

[Harlan Williams]

No, he didn't.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, damn.

[Harlan Williams]

I think he forgot the tag.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh.

[Harlan Williams]

But it was still good. And it killed. And then he gave you credit.

[Bobby Lee]

Wow. Okay, good. He said Bob or Andrew.

[Harlan Williams]

He said, bobby Lee wrote that joke for me. Oh, I didn't write the punchline.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, but you care about the setup, so what?

[Harlan Williams]

Punchline.

[Bobby Lee]

Setup is a lot.

[Harlan Williams]

Punchline is all that anybody cares about.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, who's.

[Harlan Williams]

Who do we have?

[Bobby Lee]

Who do we have?

[Harlan Williams]

Who. Who just showed up?

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, my God.

[Harlan Williams]

And if it isn't the.

[Bobby Lee]

You have a sunburst here.

[Harlan Williams]

If it isn't the Corn Bandit himself.

[Bobby Lee]

What's up?

[Harlan Williams]

Ladies and gentlemen, Harlan Williams.

[Bobby Lee]

Harlen Williams.

[Andrew Santino]

Hello.

[Harlan Williams]

You don't have to clap, dude.

[Andrew Santino]

Well, I. I shouldn't have, cuz now I've delayed putting these on.

[Harlan Williams]

Get it on there. You don't have to if you don't want to. You can hear us just fine.

[Andrew Santino]

Just.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, this will be a good.

[Andrew Santino]

Hang on.

[Harlan Williams]

Got it.

[Bobby Lee]

Stupid. It's so stupid.

[Andrew Santino]

Where'd you get these things?

[Bobby Lee]

Stupid.

[Andrew Santino]

God damn it. Well, I didn't make the thing. You did. Why.

[Bobby Lee]

Why are you acting so dumb? Dumb?

[Andrew Santino]

Dude, this is a podcast. Rubik's Cube.

[Bobby Lee]

Don't break.

[Andrew Santino]

Technician, but go and help them.

[Bobby Lee]

Take your time.

[Andrew Santino]

Somebody, please.

[Bobby Lee]

Jesus Christ.

[Andrew Santino]

Not easy, right, guy? When a hippie can't do it.

[Bobby Lee]

Exactly. Okay.

[Andrew Santino]

That's my buddy.

[Bobby Lee]

You know that guy, right?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, I love that guy.

[Harlan Williams]

You do?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, he's my buddy. He helped mentor me.

[Bobby Lee]

Did he really?

[Andrew Santino]

He helped. What year?

[Bobby Lee]

What year?

[Andrew Santino]

It was thanks to you. But we'll save it for later.

[Bobby Lee]

We'll save it for later. Yeah, yeah. Let me ask. Let me ask you a minute.

[Harlan Williams]

Let him get settled.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay.

[Andrew Santino]

Is it.

[Harlan Williams]

Good to go?

[Andrew Santino]

I want to go.

[Harlan Williams]

Get out of here.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, get out of here then. Just get out of here, dude. Anyway, Harlan Williams.

[Andrew Santino]

There we go.

[Bobby Lee]

I told you it wouldn't work out.

[Andrew Santino]

I know. You're right.

[Bobby Lee]

DraftKings sportsbook. The rivalries, the marching bands, the upsets just got way more fun, my friends.

[Harlan Williams]

Way more fun. College football is back. You think you know the game?

[Bobby Lee]

I do.

[Harlan Williams]

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[Bobby Lee]

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[Harlan Williams]

Own every single Saturday. Look, I'm very excited. Is Arizona State going to be a good football team this year?

[Bobby Lee]

I think number three for sure.

[Harlan Williams]

Number three for sure. You heard it from Bobby Lee. He's not taking a prediction on your betting. That is not okay.

[Bobby Lee]

That's not okay.

[Harlan Williams]

He just thinks that is true. And it could be new customers. DraftKings, if you're new, by the way, you bet $5 and get $300 in bonus bets.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, my God.

[Harlan Williams]

Instantly.

[Bobby Lee]

That's intense.

[Harlan Williams]

Download the DraftKings sportsbook app and use the code Bad Friends. What's that code?

[Bobby Lee]

Bad Friends.

[Harlan Williams]

That code is Bad Friends. For new customers to get $300 in bonus bets instantly. When you bet just five bucks, Crown is yours. You got a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER in New York. Call 877-8-HOPE NY or Texthope NY 467-369. In Connecticut, help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org Please play responsibly on behalf of Boo Hill Casino and Resort in Kansas City. Fees May apply in Illinois 21 +. Age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario. Bonus best expires seven days after issuance for additional terms and responsible gaming resources. Cdkng CO Audio Simply safe. I gave this to you.

[Bobby Lee]

You gave it to me. Simply safe.

[Harlan Williams]

And you know what?

[Bobby Lee]

I have never felt safer in my life, in my home before. Because let me say something. I have two Filipinos and seven animals in my house.

[Harlan Williams]

Two and seven. That's eight animals in total.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Yeah. And you know, before I had Simplisafe, we were petrified at night. We could not sleep.

[Harlan Williams]

So scared.

[Bobby Lee]

And now we have cameras all over the place and AI help. There's AI technology.

[Harlan Williams]

There's AI Powered cameras that identify threats lurking outside your home and immediately alert. Simply says professional monitoring agents. These agents, we saw a little gray.

[Bobby Lee]

Walk by the other day.

[Harlan Williams]

A little gray walks by and they intervene in real time before the break in even begins. They access a two way audio to confront the person. To trigger sirens, spotlights. They scare him away. And the great person went far, far away.

[Bobby Lee]

This is real security.

[Harlan Williams]

It's real security, ladies and gentlemen. We did give it to Bobby. We installed it at his house. It does work. Join the more than 4 million Americans who trust Simplisafe with their home security every single day.

[Bobby Lee]

Including Bobby lee and the two Filipinos and seven animals.

[Andrew Santino]

That's right.

[Bobby Lee]

And also we have. There's a 60 day money back guarantee.

[Harlan Williams]

There is a 60 day money back guarantee. No long term contracts. That's amazing. Simplisafe earns your business by keeping you safe and satisfied every single day. So visit simplisafe.com bad friends to claim 50 off a new system that's simply safe.com bad friends simplysafe.com bad friends. There's no safe like simply safe.

[Bobby Lee]

He doesn't know how to use those things.

[Harlan Williams]

No. He's never come back. All right, McOne, get up there and set it up for real for him.

[Andrew Santino]

Get the hippie out here.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, I like that. We should start calling him the hippie. Good job, hippie.

[Andrew Santino]

Thank you. Hip. Dirty. Hip. Hippie. Dirty. Smelly.

[Harlan Williams]

He's smelly, boy. Smelly. You know why he's smelly? He's nasty. He doesn't have an apartment. He doesn't have anywhere to live.

[Andrew Santino]

Well, they live in a back of a Volkswagen van with flowers on the side.

[Bobby Lee]

Coming from a guy that goes as a Burning man every year.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah. Not this year, though.

[Harlan Williams]

Why not?

[Bobby Lee]

Why?

[Andrew Santino]

I need a break. Daddy needs a break.

[Harlan Williams]

What do you do at Burning Man? What's your. What's what do you like. What's your.

[Andrew Santino]

What don't you do? It's. Everyone in the world should go.

[Harlan Williams]

Really?

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

But you don't take any drugs or anything like that.

[Andrew Santino]

Burning man gives you that window of exception. Not that I've ever taken any, but yeah, if I were to. That would be the exception.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Wow. Yeah. You don't do them, right?

[Harlan Williams]

I don't do Burning Man.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Have you ever done hardcore drugs?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, in my lifetime.

[Andrew Santino]

Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

Of course. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. What's your. No.

[Harlan Williams]

Which would you. What's your favorite?

[Andrew Santino]

I haven't, but if I did, I would do it there.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. If I drive out there Do I need a van or a bus?

[Andrew Santino]

You should rent a. An rv.

[Bobby Lee]

You're out there with an rv.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

They don't accept money out there.

[Andrew Santino]

No, there's. You can't buy anything.

[Bobby Lee]

Right. So it's. You're trading.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, that's what they say. But it's. It's not like. Like a bartering system. It's just if you need something, like, if you need a sandwich, you knock on a trailer. Give me a sandwich, I'll give you a sandwich. Wow.

[Harlan Williams]

You give them in return whatever they ask for.

[Andrew Santino]

Drink another sandwich. You could do sandwich or sandwich. Like, I could knock on a door and say, hey, could I get a tuna salad sandwich?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

And they would say, sure, but I need an egg. I would like an egg salad sandwich. And then you do, like, a sandwich trade, which you don't see a lot anymore.

[Harlan Williams]

Nothing says a good sandwich in the desert.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Like tuna.

[Bobby Lee]

Exactly, exactly. Nothing in that heat.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

It's grilled perfect.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Are there ladies out there?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah. Beautiful. Beautiful. Really beautiful. Yeah. All the Victoria's Secret models go out there. They like to dress up.

[Bobby Lee]

Right. Is there dancings?

[Andrew Santino]

There's dancings. It's mystical. It's magical.

[Harlan Williams]

Is there any documentation of you at Burning man dancing?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah. I actually made a documentary called Burning Men, which I've never released. I actually shot Me and Michael Rosenbaum went one year. I made a documentary of it.

[Harlan Williams]

Burning Men.

[Andrew Santino]

Burning Men, I called it.

[Bobby Lee]

Wow.

[Andrew Santino]

I should release it one day. It's all done, edited, everything.

[Harlan Williams]

But what's holding you back?

[Andrew Santino]

I don't know. I just. I do a lot of that. I'll make things and then never put them out in the world. I think we all do that as artists.

[Harlan Williams]

No, we put it all out.

[Bobby Lee]

We put it out?

[Harlan Williams]

All of it?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

We've never not put anything out.

[Andrew Santino]

Wow. Okay. I've a lot I haven't put out.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, I think you should start putting more out.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Because you're so valuable. Everybody wants you.

[Andrew Santino]

Say again?

[Bobby Lee]

Now you're on the rise.

[Harlan Williams]

You're on the rise.

[Andrew Santino]

Like yeast.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

And if you let it sit.

[Bobby Lee]

Exactly.

[Harlan Williams]

Get yourself some bread.

[Bobby Lee]

Do you feel that, though? Do you feel like that you're on the rise?

[Andrew Santino]

No.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, okay. Why are you winking? Don't.

[Harlan Williams]

You're tricking him.

[Andrew Santino]

I didn't wing. Yeah, I did one of these.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Have you ever brought Harlan Williams on stage?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's brought me on stage, too. Yeah, We've done it. We've done it both ways. We go Both ways. Do you know how athletic he is? It's unbelievable.

[Bobby Lee]

I know. I've touched his legs before.

[Harlan Williams]

They're so strong. Unbelievable. This guy.

[Andrew Santino]

You touched my leg.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, we've all touched your leg.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

He asked if I brought you on stage.

[Bobby Lee]

Your legs are so very strong.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

You know that.

[Andrew Santino]

I just literally came from the racquetball court about an hour ago. I was playing racquetball.

[Harlan Williams]

Who do you play with?

[Andrew Santino]

Just the guys on the. On the list.

[Harlan Williams]

But I thought you said that there's another comic that you.

[Andrew Santino]

Dane plays with me sometimes. Dane Cook plays.

[Bobby Lee]

Who else?

[Andrew Santino]

Vinnie Vasline.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, Vinnie Fastline. Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Wait, wait, wait. Let me ask you about Dane.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Is he aggressive?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah. Yeah. He's got a. Got a temper. He's fired up. But that's what you want with sports.

[Bobby Lee]

Have you played warzone with him?

[Andrew Santino]

No.

[Bobby Lee]

It's insane.

[Andrew Santino]

Is that.

[Bobby Lee]

Get behind the wall. Yeah. Like, he.

[Harlan Williams]

He.

[Bobby Lee]

He takes charge.

[Harlan Williams]

Dude, can you beat Dana paddleball or racquetball?

[Andrew Santino]

Easily. He's. He's new. I've been playing for, like, nine years.

[Harlan Williams]

He's just. He's gonna love this. That clip?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Easily.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh.

[Harlan Williams]

He knows it's gonna fuel his fire.

[Bobby Lee]

Harlan, how come you haven't had one of your pool parties?

[Andrew Santino]

You know, I love your pool party. I know. You got to come up for one. I still have to have one this summer? Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, this summer. You haven't had one.

[Andrew Santino]

I haven't. I've been busy.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

What are you doing?

[Andrew Santino]

I was down in Florida fishing and scalloping and, you know, just taking it easy. I've been taking a class at devry.

[Harlan Williams]

What are you taking?

[Andrew Santino]

Well, people always say that I have trouble communicating a lot. And sometimes people say I always make up stories, and they have trouble communicating and getting a real story out of me. This type of nonsense.

[Harlan Williams]

What does that have to do with DeVry?

[Andrew Santino]

So I took a night class in communication. I'm taking. It's immersive. It's called Ouija therapy. Oh, whoa. Have you heard of Ouija?

[Bobby Lee]

I know Ouija, but the combo, Ivan. They combine the two.

[Andrew Santino]

They combine it. So what they do is they train you to. Because your face is so expressive. So when I can't get the words out, they sort of assign areas of your expressive face, almost like the keypad on your computer or typewriter. Everything's a letter.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Wow.

[Andrew Santino]

And since I have trouble, like, sometimes getting answers or stories out.

[Bobby Lee]

Right.

[Andrew Santino]

I've sort of been trained by them to assign letters to my face. Do w. Well, what you do is you ask me a question.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay.

[Andrew Santino]

Because I can't get it out. But if I. If I practice my Ouija communication, it sort of helps.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Let me ask you a question then.

[Andrew Santino]

Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

What is your favorite nocturnal animal?

[Andrew Santino]

Okay. The answer's.

[Harlan Williams]

What is it?

[Bobby Lee]

You brought a Ouija.

[Andrew Santino]

Dude, I'm trying to grow.

[Harlan Williams]

He's in class. Don't make fun of him.

[Bobby Lee]

Dude, he brought a Ouija thing because.

[Harlan Williams]

He'S taking a DeVry.

[Bobby Lee]

He told you. I know. I thought he was improvising, but this is kind of real. Okay, I apologize. I thought it was a joke that you. I thought you were doing improv or whatever. So this is real. I didn't get what you were saying there, but.

[Andrew Santino]

Can I ask again?

[Bobby Lee]

Wombat.

[Andrew Santino]

What is my what?

[Bobby Lee]

Wombat.

[Harlan Williams]

Your favorite.

[Bobby Lee]

What were you saying?

[Andrew Santino]

With the week, I'm. I have to ask again.

[Bobby Lee]

All right. All right. What is your favorite nocturnal animal?

[Andrew Santino]

Jesus. Off.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, that.

[Andrew Santino]

This is. That was it. Not me. Oh. Oh, it was this.

[Bobby Lee]

It's a spiritual thing. There are spirits involved.

[Andrew Santino]

It's Ouija.

[Bobby Lee]

Wow. It's Ouija. I didn't know.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

You ask a question, Andrew, I feel.

[Harlan Williams]

Like I know the answer.

[Bobby Lee]

You off? Yeah. Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Can I see it?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, sure.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Just toss it. Good toss.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Yeah. All right.

[Harlan Williams]

Ask me a question, Harlan.

[Andrew Santino]

Okay. Let me think of something deep and meaningful. What is the meaning of life? Well, that's too broad. Let me ask you a personal question.

[Bobby Lee]

Sure.

[Andrew Santino]

What makes you sad?

[Bobby Lee]

This.

[Andrew Santino]

That.

[Harlan Williams]

This makes me really sad.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

This bit makes me sad.

[Bobby Lee]

The bit makes me sad, too.

[Harlan Williams]

It makes me sad.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Well, maybe you shouldn't enroll at DeVry.

[Harlan Williams]

I'm not gonna. Well, I'm glad you're enrolled at a vi. I mean, that does seem working very well.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Do you read? Yeah, it's the last. Recommend me a book.

[Harlan Williams]

Have you been to his office?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, I have.

[Harlan Williams]

It's amazing.

[Bobby Lee]

It's amazing.

[Harlan Williams]

He's got books. He's got so much shit all over the place.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, it's beautiful. You have also the best view of the city. I mean, shrink Shu shank shoe.

[Andrew Santino]

I would say, man. I would recommend the Fountainhead by Ayn Rand.

[Bobby Lee]

I've heard of it. I heard it's good.

[Harlan Williams]

You're reading a lot of Ayn Rand lately.

[Andrew Santino]

Have you read the Fountainhead?

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, dude.

[Bobby Lee]

Is it good?

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Did a movie. Know.

[Andrew Santino]

I don't know if they ever made a movie. The Fountainhead. I think they attempted.

[Bobby Lee]

I think they did. They attempted it. But I don't think it was that good.

[Andrew Santino]

It's too big in scope.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay.

[Andrew Santino]

It's a very, very Gary Cooper. Oh, Gary Stewart. Okay. Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

So the Fountainhead.

[Andrew Santino]

The book is Ayn Rand and. Rand.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Read it.

[Bobby Lee]

I'm going to read it.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

You're being real. I feel like you're being real right now.

[Andrew Santino]

I am.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. I am going to read that tonight.

[Andrew Santino]

Well, it's really big. So you won't read it in a night.

[Bobby Lee]

No, but I'm going to start tonight. I'm going to audiobook it. Is that okay?

[Andrew Santino]

It's up to you, but it's one of those books that draws you in and it's one of those savory books where it becomes part of your life for the time that you're reading it.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, wow.

[Andrew Santino]

And also, Stephen King's the Stand is like that because it's a big thicky.

[Bobby Lee]

Cujo is like that with me, too.

[Andrew Santino]

Cujo.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. You love a Scary Dogs.

[Andrew Santino]

You love.

[Bobby Lee]

I love it.

[Andrew Santino]

Wow.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah. But ran the Fountainhead. What are you reading?

[Harlan Williams]

The Insightful Man.

[Andrew Santino]

By who?

[Harlan Williams]

I don't remember the guy's name. Look up the name. What's his name? The Insightful man book. Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Inside of a Man.

[Harlan Williams]

The Inside of a Man by Leon Moppi. And at first it got me. The mopeepi got me. I was laughing when I bought it.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

I bought it because of the mopi.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

I'm not gonna lie. I bought it because I saw Mo pee and I thought it was funny. It's actually giving me a lot of knowledge and insight. Yeah, it actually is.

[Andrew Santino]

Well, I'd invite you to read my latest book.

[Harlan Williams]

What is it?

[Andrew Santino]

It's called Uncle Milton.

[Bobby Lee]

Whoa.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

And.

[Bobby Lee]

And what is it? Is it a.

[Andrew Santino]

It's a collection of short stories.

[Bobby Lee]

Are you being real?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Wow. Uncle Milton by Harlan Williams. Wow.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

It's short stories.

[Andrew Santino]

Three short stories that you wrote? Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Wow.

[Harlan Williams]

Let's see the reviews.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

What do you mean there's a review?

[Andrew Santino]

It just came out, so I don't know.

[Harlan Williams]

Harlan Williams is good at anything he decides to do. His short story collections are no exception. In the realm of suspension. Supernatural. The story is a unique, good read. I've read a lot of Stephen King short stories and this gives me similar feels. In this collection, there are three separate stories touching on different aspects of relationships.

[Bobby Lee]

Three.

[Harlan Williams]

Three is a magic number. The heart and the mind and the body. Harlan focused on each of these in turn. Overall, very good. Hoping to read more books from Harlan in the future.

[Bobby Lee]

Wow.

[Andrew Santino]

I didn't even know those were there. Thank you.

[Bobby Lee]

I got Hear Yourself by Prem Rawat.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, Maharashi.

[Bobby Lee]

The Maharashi.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, wow.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Do you know why?

[Andrew Santino]

Why?

[Bobby Lee]

Because I'm going crazy. I need to dilute the mind. Calm the mind down.

[Andrew Santino]

What's going on?

[Bobby Lee]

Nothing. I don't know what it is, but I'm trying to. A lot of anxiety. So I'm trying to calm the. Meditating at night, being mindful about my breath, doing breath work.

[Andrew Santino]

What's causing the anxiety?

[Bobby Lee]

I don't know. I don't know the root of it.

[Andrew Santino]

You must have an inkling.

[Bobby Lee]

This special. We've talked about this.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

There's a lot of pressure on the special.

[Harlan Williams]

He's about to shoot a special.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

When?

[Bobby Lee]

In January.

[Harlan Williams]

Was going to be December, but anxiety thrust it into the new year.

[Bobby Lee]

Maybe February. Depends on the anxiety.

[Andrew Santino]

But I don't think you need the anxiety because you're a confident, funny human being.

[Bobby Lee]

Wow. Are you my messiah?

[Andrew Santino]

I mean, not my messiah, my happy to my spiritual teacher. Happy to help.

[Bobby Lee]

You know, I would follow you if you had a philosophy.

[Harlan Williams]

What is your philosophy of like chocolate?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Really dark.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. I would follow chocolate.

[Andrew Santino]

Swiss. I like Swiss chocolate.

[Bobby Lee]

Chocolate. All right. Me and you, we climb the temple. We get to the temple, right?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

I'm there.

[Bobby Lee]

We see him. He's in a robe. We sit, you know, cross legged. Yeah, Right. We light some candles. We do a little bong, right?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Our master's about to speak. What do you say?

[Andrew Santino]

Chocolate.

[Bobby Lee]

And then we go. Chocolate. Master. Master.

[Andrew Santino]

Yes?

[Bobby Lee]

I have a question.

[Andrew Santino]

Yes, stupid. Sorry. Because I'm so superior.

[Bobby Lee]

I know, master.

[Andrew Santino]

I didn't mean that.

[Bobby Lee]

But master, I'm going through a divorce and my. My wife cheated on me. What do I do?

[Andrew Santino]

Humphrey Bogart said once that women are like streetcars. One goes and another one is coming right along.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, very good. Master. Master. Master.

[Andrew Santino]

Yes?

[Harlan Williams]

My children have died in a horrible fire accident. A smelting accident. I owned a smelting factory and my child died.

[Bobby Lee]

I worked there. I saw them die.

[Harlan Williams]

He may have been the person that killed my child. We don't know.

[Bobby Lee]

We don't know yet, Master.

[Harlan Williams]

What do I do now?

[Andrew Santino]

Make some new kids and forget the oldies.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. And chocolate.

[Andrew Santino]

Probably chocolate.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

And I got a hole in the desert. You can put the dead kids too.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, master.

[Harlan Williams]

Master.

[Bobby Lee]

Thank you. Thank you, master.

[Harlan Williams]

Thank you, master.

[Andrew Santino]

I would love to help you, my guy. I don't like it when you're like. You know, when my guy is feeling anxiety.

[Bobby Lee]

Are you Talking to me as master or Harland?

[Andrew Santino]

Harlan slash master. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Master.

[Bobby Lee]

You want to help me now?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay.

[Andrew Santino]

You're a funny, funny, beloved guy. Don't feel anxiety.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, I told him.

[Bobby Lee]

I know.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

People tell me, yeah, yeah. I just feel the anxiety. I don't know what it is.

[Harlan Williams]

What's your fix?

[Bobby Lee]

I have, you know what I. You know what I have, Master?

[Andrew Santino]

Yes.

[Bobby Lee]

Imposter syndrome.

[Andrew Santino]

What's that?

[Bobby Lee]

I don't feel like, you know, people go, oh, you're doing well, or this and that. And I always gone, you know, I mean, I always downplay it.

[Andrew Santino]

Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

You know, I like. You know, I like just going to a Starbucks and getting my horchata. My horchata beverage, you know, I mean, and just being normal, you know, I mean, but then people go, oh, can we get a photo on this and that? I just have a conflict about it. What do I do, Master?

[Andrew Santino]

I would say ride the anxiety like a snake, like a dragon. Like, ride it. You know this. Sometimes when you perform, your mood can feed your performance. Sometimes you feel down, sometimes you feel up, sometimes you feel anxiety ridden. But whatever it is, just take it onto the stage and let it be part of the journey.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, so I know it'll pass.

[Andrew Santino]

It might not pass. You might.

[Bobby Lee]

No, just say it's going to pass. I think it's going to pass.

[Andrew Santino]

Use it as fuel on the night of the special.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah, I will.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, let me say something about this, about myself. I know this.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

When I get a ball, I hit it.

[Harlan Williams]

You do?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I will hit the ball.

[Harlan Williams]

You will hit the ball.

[Andrew Santino]

I think the anxiety is just giving you. You know, without the anxiety, your experience might be mundane. And so the anxiety is giving you a little bit. It's life saying, hey, feel the energy, feel the electricity. That's the anxiety versus. You've been doing this a long time. You know the terrain. I know the terrain. And so think of the anxiety as a little electrical charge. A little air under your feet, and it's going to make it more interesting and provocative and infused with life.

[Bobby Lee]

God, you're.

[Andrew Santino]

The master's spoken.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, I love it.

[Andrew Santino]

Now go suck a chocolate bar.

[Harlan Williams]

That's our messiah.

[Andrew Santino]

That's my Milky Way.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

You're a little. You are a little chocolate boy. You love.

[Andrew Santino]

I love it.

[Harlan Williams]

Whenever I go to his house, he has snacks.

[Andrew Santino]

I sleep with a. With a can of Pringles, like, in my arm. Like I snuggle it.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Is it a big one? That's a big can.

[Andrew Santino]

No, it's just a regular can, but I can't. How do you close your arm? But it's a sour cream and onion and I just.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, is that your favorite chip?

[Andrew Santino]

I love it. Yeah, I just snuggle with it at night. I used to have a teddy bear. Teddy Ruxpin. You know, the ones that talk. Oh, yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Had one.

[Andrew Santino]

Mine got possessed and spoke in tongues and I had to flush it in the toilet. Literally in the middle of the night. I'm stuffing its head in the toilet. Flush, flush.

[Bobby Lee]

What was it saying? Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Devil talk.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, I know that. Yeah, you know that, don't you?

[Harlan Williams]

Summon it. You do that.

[Bobby Lee]

You know, one time. This is a true story. I had this roommate. His name was Aaron. Redheaded kid.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Christian.

[Harlan Williams]

Why you looking at me?

[Bobby Lee]

I don't know. My eyes just drifted. Yeah. Factor.

[Harlan Williams]

We're busy boys. We're busy little bodies.

[Bobby Lee]

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[Harlan Williams]

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[Bobby Lee]

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[Harlan Williams]

No, I love them.

[Bobby Lee]

For the first time, I want to.

[Harlan Williams]

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[Bobby Lee]

Try Asian inspired meals with bold flavors influenced by China, Thailand, and China, China.

[Harlan Williams]

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[Bobby Lee]

97% of customers said that factor helped them live a healthier life and feel the difference.

[Harlan Williams]

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[Bobby Lee]

That's code BAD FRIENDS 50 off@Factor Meals.com for 50% off your first box plus FREE breakfast for one year.

[Harlan Williams]

That's right. That's pretty incredible. Get delicious ready to eat meals delivered with factor offer only. Valid for new factor customers with code and qualifying auto renewing subscription purchases.

[Bobby Lee]

Adam and Eve. Who wants better sex?

[Harlan Williams]

I want better sex.

[Bobby Lee]

You know what? Sometimes, you know, you need some help. And what I do is I get little toys from Adam and Eve.

[Harlan Williams]

Tiny little toys from Adam and Eve.

[Bobby Lee]

I get an electronic, you know, vaginal equipment.

[Harlan Williams]

You do. And Adam and Eve is the best place because they're offering 50% off just about any single item on their site, plus free shipping. You want free shipping for anal beads? You can get them at Adam and Eve.

[Bobby Lee]

It doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. All. All will be packaged and sent discreetly and fast. And really fast.

[Harlan Williams]

You got to bring satisfaction and pleasure to your bedroom like Bobby Lee does. Everybody wants to be. Be like a Bobby Lee. He knows Adam and Eve is the place to go. To get anything, just go to AdamAndEve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything that you desire.

[Bobby Lee]

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[Harlan Williams]

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[Bobby Lee]

Is an exclusive offer specific to our podcast, so be sure to use Bad Friends. So get your discount and 100% free shipping code. Bad Friends.

[Harlan Williams]

That's right. The code is Bad Friends once [e-mail] to get the toys that Bobby Lee uses.

[Bobby Lee]

And he has come to my church and I sat down and I guess it was in a big church, and the sermon where the preacher eyed me, and then everyone started speaking in tongues and they all touched my head. And as they touched my. I stood up and I literally walked out of the church. Wow. Yeah. I was so scary.

[Andrew Santino]

Whoa.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Do you think it's real, speaking in tongues when they're in church?

[Andrew Santino]

Yes. Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, you think it's real?

[Harlan Williams]

There's videos of people speaking in tongues.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

They connect to the higher power.

[Bobby Lee]

What are you talking about?

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, they do?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

God speaks through you.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

The best time to do it. The best time to do it is when you're performing Cunningus because it's like, girls love it.

[Bobby Lee]

They love it. Yeah. Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

It's like foreplay. Satan's foreplay.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

See, they were speaking in tongues. Here, they can show you this.

[Andrew Santino]

Is he a cracker?

[Harlan Williams]

These guys are just.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay, all right.

[Harlan Williams]

These guys are just Latvian. I don't think that.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah. That's what it felt like.

[Harlan Williams]

Pretty sure that was just another language.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, I think you're right.

[Harlan Williams]

How many languages do you speak? You speak a few, don't you?

[Andrew Santino]

I speak a little French and a little German.

[Harlan Williams]

That's as good.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, that's as good. And that's it. That's as good.

[Bobby Lee]

That's a little.

[Andrew Santino]

I did speak a little when I lived there, but I speak a little French because I'm French Canadian, but that's it.

[Harlan Williams]

Say, Bobby, it's so good to see you today. And I can't wait to go out to eat with you later.

[Andrew Santino]

Bobby, c' est bon moj. Le papillon avec Montreal Fireworks festival.

[Bobby Lee]

Wow.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Wow. That's really good.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

El Sol.

[Harlan Williams]

I'll wear my pants to school on Las Vinegar.

[Bobby Lee]

Something like that. Yeah. I said school. I said school in there, too, right?

[Andrew Santino]

How come you guys aren't fighting? Usually when I watch this show, you're, like, just going at each other.

[Harlan Williams]

We were fighting a little bit. No, we were good before.

[Bobby Lee]

We haven't fought today.

[Harlan Williams]

We didn't fight.

[Andrew Santino]

I know, but why you want us to fight? I was sort of looking forward to a good fight. Like a brew. Ha.

[Bobby Lee]

All right, well, give us a topic and we'll fight over.

[Harlan Williams]

We'll fight about anything.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, your show. You should have the topic.

[Bobby Lee]

What?

[Andrew Santino]

You should have the topic.

[Bobby Lee]

We're just going to brew a. Yeah, Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

I don't know. Usually you're yelling at each other.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay. He said that he liked your shirt. I hate that shirt.

[Andrew Santino]

Wait a minute.

[Bobby Lee]

I was lying.

[Andrew Santino]

This shirt has a lot of.

[Bobby Lee]

I hate that shirt.

[Harlan Williams]

Awful.

[Bobby Lee]

It's awful.

[Harlan Williams]

It's.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. It's a bullshit shirt.

[Andrew Santino]

This shirt has a lot.

[Bobby Lee]

What are you, a b. What are you, a bcome you like them?

[Andrew Santino]

This shit has a lot of sentimental meaning before you rip into it.

[Bobby Lee]

What is it? Is it. Let me guess. Your uncle. Your Uncle Harvey was on a Golden Temple mountain with a panda and they pooped out an egg. It broke open and there's a shirt. Because you tell stories like that all the time and they're not real.

[Andrew Santino]

Jude. My father died today. Nine years ago.

[Bobby Lee]

Wow.

[Andrew Santino]

And he died when we were watching the movie. The whole family were at his house. We were watching Children of the Corn. This is a corn shirt? Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

I'm sorry. I didn't know.

[Andrew Santino]

So Children of the Corn is full of jump scares. I don't know if you've seen that. Malachi was a scary Malachi oh yeah. The niblet children are popping out of the rows, like just crazy. So we're at my old man's house, this guy. You said, I like sports. The old man liked fish. He loved fishing.

[Bobby Lee]

He died today, or nine years ago.

[Andrew Santino]

Nine years ago today. Every year. We put on the corn shirt and he had a nine foot marlin hanging over the wall behind the couch right here. We're all sitting on the couch. He's got a knife. He loves to see his fish tanks all over. Had a fish tank full of piranhas. You ever heard of these things? From the Amazon? Yeah, piranhas, they eat flesh.

[Harlan Williams]

They're like piranhas.

[Andrew Santino]

Yes, piranha, piranha, however you want to swiss it up.

[Bobby Lee]

Why would you lie? I don't know.

[Andrew Santino]

Well, there's two pronunciations, okay? The botanists call it or students of ichthology call it piranha, right? But the layperson, like yourself, calls it piranha lay. So the old man's got a piranha tank over here. He's got a nine foot marlin up on the wall with the snout. Here we are huddled in the den. We got Pottery Barn candles on the table. We're all huddled together, nine of us, and we're watching Children of the Corn, like we do every year. Was his favorite horror movie. This thing's packed full of jump scares.

[Harlan Williams]

Big time.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

We're sitting there, Malachi pops out with some of the niblet children out of the corn. We all jump. The old man goes back, hits the wall. The marlin cuts loose from its hanging on the wall. This thing comes down, the snout of the marlin goes into the old man's spine. The old man flails across the room, right? He hits the wall, he hits the light switch. The fucking ceiling fan starts going on. Now this thing's got a wire on the back of the marlin, right? Now, the wires up in the ceiling fan. But when the old man went back, he put his hand into the piranha tank. These things took off two of his fingers. Here goes the ceiling fan. It starts constricting around his neck. He's got a marlin in his spine. He goes to turn off the ceiling fan switch. He ain't got the fingers that you flick the switch with.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh my God.

[Andrew Santino]

This is my old man. It's like a final destination.

[Harlan Williams]

Sorry, man. Yeah, so I, I, I like the shirt.

[Andrew Santino]

It's just, it's a memory. So before you rip into it, this is like in Memorandum of my old man.

[Harlan Williams]

And Let me tell you something. I do like the shirt, okay. Because it's.

[Bobby Lee]

You would never wear it.

[Harlan Williams]

Never. That's fucking hideous.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

The hideous piece of shirt. It's insane.

[Bobby Lee]

It's. I don't even know where to buy a shirt.

[Harlan Williams]

Where did you buy that shirt?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, look up at Forest Lawn. They've got.

[Harlan Williams]

At the cemetery.

[Bobby Lee]

Wow.

[Andrew Santino]

You know, everything's a theme.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

You can't even find that kind of corn shirt online. Look at it.

[Harlan Williams]

You can't. Yes, you can. That's it right there. Corn cob, background shirt.

[Bobby Lee]

No, that's not it, dude. No, that's not what that is.

[Harlan Williams]

That's a one of one.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, I think. Well, I mean, this is. It's not about the shirt. It's about my father.

[Harlan Williams]

You're right.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, that's right. You're right. You're right. Let's go back to that Lord.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, he passed away, guys. Okay, so Malachi, if I can reiterate, please. Malachi popped out through the rows of corn. That's a shirt with the niblet children.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

And the niblet children were. Well, I feel like you're making fun of my dad.

[Harlan Williams]

No, we're not. I just, I. We see where you got it for your father. It's for any occasion. Street leisure, the party, or for.

[Andrew Santino]

To commemorate his death.

[Harlan Williams]

I, I look, I think when your dad. I mean, Bobby, your dad died pretty tragically.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, no.

[Harlan Williams]

Tell him how your dad died. My dad wearing the shirt as well?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Yeah. My dad died in a hospice.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, no.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. And he was like. Like that for a week.

[Harlan Williams]

And he loved Metallica.

[Bobby Lee]

He loved Metallica.

[Harlan Williams]

That's why he's wearing the shirt.

[Bobby Lee]

He loves it.

[Andrew Santino]

A hospice? What is a hospital?

[Bobby Lee]

Puppets.

[Andrew Santino]

What is a hospice?

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, it's where people go to die. Harland, I'm sure your fingerless dad died in one as well.

[Andrew Santino]

No, he died from this on the ceiling.

[Bobby Lee]

He died instantly.

[Andrew Santino]

He died.

[Harlan Williams]

Right.

[Andrew Santino]

He choked out.

[Bobby Lee]

Wow.

[Harlan Williams]

Who took him down?

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, I don't want to talk about that. But cleaning lady.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. The next day or.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, we went. Yeah, we had to go out and eat, but she came in the next day and.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Cleaned it up.

[Andrew Santino]

Cleaned it up.

[Bobby Lee]

I know. Socks, Harlan. That's a little weird.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, I didn't know you were looking at down there.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, that's one of my pet peeves when people don't wear socks. How about you?

[Harlan Williams]

You know, do you have stinky feet?

[Andrew Santino]

No.

[Harlan Williams]

Let me smell your shoe.

[Andrew Santino]

Well, no.

[Harlan Williams]

Take one off. Prove it. Because otherwise I'm gonna find out if you got stinky feet or not.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Yay or nay?

[Bobby Lee]

I can't do it. I'll vomit. I almost threw up. Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Is it bad?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, it got me.

[Andrew Santino]

What's it smell like?

[Harlan Williams]

My eyes are fucking watering.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

What's it smell like?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, it's bad.

[Bobby Lee]

It's pretty bad.

[Andrew Santino]

Tell me.

[Bobby Lee]

Let me see.

[Harlan Williams]

Big one.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, my God.

[Harlan Williams]

Big whiff.

[Bobby Lee]

I hate it. I already did it.

[Harlan Williams]

Do a big whiff.

[Bobby Lee]

I got it.

[Andrew Santino]

Put your nose in it.

[Harlan Williams]

You.

[Bobby Lee]

There's no way.

[Andrew Santino]

What's it smell like?

[Bobby Lee]

Corn, chocolate, all of it. Your dead dad, everything. Yeah, it's bad. Yeah. Yeah. Wear socks. Carland.

[Andrew Santino]

Jesus.

[Bobby Lee]

I know. Do you ever wear no socks?

[Harlan Williams]

You got to do a shoey now. Pour your. Your drink into your shoe and drink it. That's. That's. That's what Australians do.

[Andrew Santino]

It is.

[Harlan Williams]

That's what they do.

[Bobby Lee]

They don't do that.

[Harlan Williams]

Yes, they do. Shoeys. You've never heard of a shoey?

[Andrew Santino]

Shoey.

[Harlan Williams]

Bring up a shoe in Australia. That's literally what they do.

[Andrew Santino]

So what do you do?

[Harlan Williams]

You pour a drink in it and you chug it.

[Bobby Lee]

No, don't do it. Harlan. Harlan, don't do it.

[Harlan Williams]

Why not?

[Bobby Lee]

It's gross.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, no, it's a seller. Look, it's a celebration.

[Andrew Santino]

All right. What do I do?

[Harlan Williams]

You put. Look at. You pour it in and you chug it.

[Andrew Santino]

A real.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, my God.

[Harlan Williams]

Yes. Aussies love you, mate. We love.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, no.

[Andrew Santino]

No. I would have. I think I got a hangnail. Oh, I got a toenail.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, wow. Wow.

[Harlan Williams]

Harlan, are you in love right now?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Because you seem like you're in love.

[Andrew Santino]

I do?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Kind of bouncing.

[Bobby Lee]

I know that you are.

[Andrew Santino]

Really? What do you mean?

[Bobby Lee]

Yes, I know that you are. I know you personally. I know that you are in love.

[Andrew Santino]

With what, though?

[Bobby Lee]

A female.

[Harlan Williams]

Human.

[Andrew Santino]

Define.

[Bobby Lee]

A woman with appropriate genitals.

[Harlan Williams]

What's inappropriate? You're in love with a person.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Yeah. Human being. Because you've mentioned it a couple of times. You don't probably notice it because you never go, well, I have a girlfriend. But you've said, like, yeah, the girl that I'm seeing. And we're doing this and that, and it's fun. I can see a joy off of your.

[Andrew Santino]

You, too. Well, thank you. Yeah, I do have a joy.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

I don't talk about my personal life like you do.

[Bobby Lee]

I don't.

[Andrew Santino]

We're opposites.

[Bobby Lee]

There are things about me that no one knows.

[Andrew Santino]

You. You're an open book. You're an open like collection of dictionaries or encyclopedias. Okay, like what don't we know about you?

[Bobby Lee]

Okay, now what?

[Harlan Williams]

There are some things that he.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, there are things I hide.

[Andrew Santino]

Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

They're personal things like my recovery or like, you know.

[Andrew Santino]

Well, you just let it out.

[Bobby Lee]

No, but like personal things I do with my. Okay, but there's just some things that I do hide.

[Andrew Santino]

Like what else?

[Bobby Lee]

I'm not gonna say it. No, it's trick. Now I understand your tricks.

[Andrew Santino]

Well, I just drank out of a shoe.

[Harlan Williams]

You did. He's good at tricks.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, but there are things that about you that you do hide a lot.

[Andrew Santino]

I don't hide. It's not like I'm hiding them. It's just. I choose not to divulge everything about me. It keeps you close, like.

[Bobby Lee]

But what does it hurt if we ask you?

[Andrew Santino]

You can ask.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, you are seeing somebody. And that. We don't want to know specifics, but we see a joy radiating your body.

[Andrew Santino]

I love. I love that you feel that and sense.

[Bobby Lee]

That's all I'm saying.

[Andrew Santino]

I love that.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

He wants more.

[Harlan Williams]

No, I love you. You gave me a ride home that night. We talked deep. When you're in his. In his car. I gotta tell you about this guy's car. Oh, you think your old car was a mess?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

This guy.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. With the same time.

[Harlan Williams]

It's unbelievable.

[Andrew Santino]

What was in my car?

[Harlan Williams]

Everything. I don't know. What. What wasn't in your car?

[Andrew Santino]

Wow, Guy.

[Harlan Williams]

It was insane. Yeah, there was. There was like a half built crib. Like a baby crib.

[Bobby Lee]

Wow.

[Harlan Williams]

Baby.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, there was a.

[Harlan Williams]

You remember pegs on. On BMX bikes?

[Bobby Lee]

Sure.

[Harlan Williams]

Had. Had four or five sets of pegs in the back seat.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

This is all real.

[Bobby Lee]

This is all real hyper like needles hype.

[Harlan Williams]

What? Hypodermic needles.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

I don't know. Do you have any of those?

[Andrew Santino]

You. I don't know what you saw. I might have some. It's just what you saw.

[Harlan Williams]

He had. I'm not kidding. He had a paint bucket.

[Andrew Santino]

Like a.

[Harlan Williams]

What are those? Like a few gallon bucket of Elmer's glue.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, well, I have that.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, you do have one.

[Bobby Lee]

No, I have hundreds of bottles of Elmer's glue.

[Harlan Williams]

Do you know why he has glue?

[Andrew Santino]

Well, I know he doesn't like horses and glue is primarily made up of ground up horse hoops. That's true.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

And so I don't like the hooves.

[Bobby Lee]

I like the horses. Oh yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

You don't like horses hooves.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Okay, so that's why? He has all the glue.

[Harlan Williams]

Get rid of the. The hooves.

[Bobby Lee]

No, but I. Why, why would I have Elmer's glue at home?

[Harlan Williams]

The way that they seized Diddy's house and got all that baby oil. Your house. And have. What was he doing with all that?

[Bobby Lee]

Hundreds of bottles.

[Andrew Santino]

And who's Elmer, by the way?

[Bobby Lee]

I don't know, but I do want to meet him.

[Harlan Williams]

I mean, it sounds like a short story you would write.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Tell us who Elmer is.

[Andrew Santino]

That's a good idea.

[Harlan Williams]

Who is Elmer behind Elmer's Glue? Who is that guy? Because he's got to be someone significant. We've all used his glue. Elmer was a. No, Elmer's glue. Is Elmer the Bull a character who is a husband of Elsie the cow.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, See, hoofs. That's almost a slap in the face to our hoofed friends. Yeah. Why would you make your logo of the thing you're killing to make the product?

[Harlan Williams]

Well, is it ketchup? Always has a tomato on it.

[Andrew Santino]

Okay, well, yeah, good point.

[Bobby Lee]

Good point.

[Harlan Williams]

Thank you.

[Andrew Santino]

Great point. Like, one of the best.

[Bobby Lee]

What I do with Elmer's glue is I dry them onto my hand and I peel them.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, so it looks like you have that aging disease.

[Bobby Lee]

No, but I do. No, I do like 40 layers with a. With a blow dryer. Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, wow.

[Bobby Lee]

And then I put a complete glove.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, that's so cool.

[Bobby Lee]

You know that, right? And I stuff.

[Andrew Santino]

That's so cool.

[Bobby Lee]

I stuff cotton in them and I draw on them.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, that is so cool.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like an art thing.

[Andrew Santino]

I get it. I can relate. What I do is I sit in the bath for about two hours, I get my fingers prune wrinkled, and then when I get out of the tub, I touch myself with the wrinkled fingers and pretend I'm getting molested by an 87 year old priest. Oh. So I can't have my thing.

[Bobby Lee]

I just. Yeah, yeah, it's good.

[Andrew Santino]

Whoa. Whoa.

[Bobby Lee]

Dude. Do you love the movie Spotlight?

[Andrew Santino]

What is it?

[Bobby Lee]

Okay. Do you ever see it?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, it's a great.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, it's a great movie.

[Andrew Santino]

What's it about?

[Harlan Williams]

It's about some of the. Some of the.

[Bobby Lee]

The Boston Globes of the church.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, right, right. With Michael Keaton.

[Bobby Lee]

Yes.

[Andrew Santino]

Whoa.

[Harlan Williams]

It's a good movie Spotlight. What is the quote that people yell at you the most in public?

[Andrew Santino]

The quote?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, like something that you said in movies and stuff.

[Andrew Santino]

What is something. Oh, I thought you meant or on.

[Harlan Williams]

The life or on the pod. Yeah. No, no. In real life, do people ever say a Line to you in public.

[Andrew Santino]

Well, in real life, they say, hey, no chin. I get that a lot because I have no chin.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

You do not really turn to this.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, yeah, look at that. One piece.

[Andrew Santino]

Like, I get, hey, no chin a lot.

[Harlan Williams]

The good news is when. Because it's connected like that. It's, you know, you don't ever. It's always protected.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

You're not going to get knocked out easy.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, I'm like, almost an instant shadow. Like punch.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, dude, you are. In fact, could I ask you. I don't want to be critical.

[Andrew Santino]

No, please. I can take anything. You could be as critical I can take. I have one thing my father's death taught me is life goes by fast, and anything can bounce off you. So you can be mega critical.

[Harlan Williams]

All right.

[Bobby Lee]

Well, I'd actually, like a gigantic canvas, only drew a little face on the bottom half of the camera.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh. So like. Like one of those cartoon guys that. Like a caricature.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

So my face is big and my body's small, or my.

[Bobby Lee]

It's just a longer. But it's. I like it. Dimensional.

[Andrew Santino]

My face is long.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. What about mine?

[Andrew Santino]

Well, let's stick with this.

[Bobby Lee]

No, I want to.

[Andrew Santino]

I want to get to the bottom of your hatred.

[Bobby Lee]

There's no hatred.

[Andrew Santino]

I thought you said you hated my face.

[Bobby Lee]

Did I say hate? Did I say, hey, now.

[Harlan Williams]

You know.

[Bobby Lee]

Observation.

[Andrew Santino]

I said, what is it again? Say it.

[Bobby Lee]

What do you think I said? Okay. Long face.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

And it's like, you know, I mean, this half of the face is where all the. This thing. It's like Antarctica. Like, if you looked at the. Like, Earth and Tyler got nothing going on.

[Harlan Williams]

Right?

[Andrew Santino]

Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

He's saying, you know how you look at it?

[Andrew Santino]

Keep going.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, like when you look at a map.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Of like. Of, like, cities and. And way down below, there's all the city light.

[Andrew Santino]

Hold on.

[Harlan Williams]

And everything else is.

[Andrew Santino]

Hold on.

[Bobby Lee]

Shh. Sorry.

[Andrew Santino]

Got it. Fuck off.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah. I was kidding, dude.

[Andrew Santino]

I know.

[Bobby Lee]

I mean, I don't know. You know.

[Andrew Santino]

No, I got no problem with your face, but I don't mind criticism. I. I like it. It's the only way I can grow. Criticize me, like, physically or just even.

[Bobby Lee]

In terms of my attitude.

[Andrew Santino]

Sometimes you're a little bit elusive and distant.

[Bobby Lee]

That's being a ninja.

[Andrew Santino]

I know, but it's.

[Bobby Lee]

I have ninjutsu behaviors.

[Andrew Santino]

Okay. If that's the answer, I accept that as a friend.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

I think you're deflecting if I'm being honest, but if you want to play the ninja game?

[Bobby Lee]

I know what you're saying. This is what you're saying.

[Andrew Santino]

Talk to me. Guy.

[Bobby Lee]

Guy. I'm here and I'm listening.

[Andrew Santino]

Well, I said talk to me. Don't listen. Talk to me.

[Bobby Lee]

All right. Right now. Are you getting a little aggressive?

[Andrew Santino]

I sure am.

[Bobby Lee]

Me too, fat Guy.

[Andrew Santino]

Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

All right, so what I want to say. I know what it is, what you're saying. It's like, I did your podcast, and then, you know, and then, like, six months later, you want me to do it again, and I don't return your phone call. Is that what it is?

[Andrew Santino]

No.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, fuck.

[Andrew Santino]

I just think sometimes when Buddy.

[Bobby Lee]

Hey, Bud.

[Andrew Santino]

Buddy.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Tries to get close to Buddy. Buddy doesn't always let Buddy all the way in. Yeah, and maybe Buddy's a little guilty of it, too.

[Harlan Williams]

What do I. What did I do?

[Bobby Lee]

I know.

[Andrew Santino]

Sometimes I feel like there's little barriers with you two.

[Harlan Williams]

Between us or.

[Andrew Santino]

No, with me. Like, Buddy tries to get in, and you guys will open the door so far. But then Buddy, you kind of put a foot in the door, and Buddy can't get all the way in and be. Buddy. Buddy.

[Bobby Lee]

I'm sorry, Buddy. Can I say this? Every time I see you on the lineup, what do I do? You're sitting there in the booth in the back. I always walk up beside you, and I always say, hello.

[Andrew Santino]

But a hello is fleeting. I always try to engage. I try to get a conversation going with Buddy, and Buddy sort of flirts with it, entertains it, but never fully engages with Buddy. So Buddy ends up feeling alone and sad when he walks away and turns his back on Buddy.

[Bobby Lee]

I see.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, maybe if Buddy didn't wear corn shirts, we'd have a better conversation.

[Andrew Santino]

My father was killed.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Let me tell you, I am marlin.

[Bobby Lee]

Also. Can I just say something, Buddy?

[Andrew Santino]

Yes, Bud.

[Bobby Lee]

If you call me be. I'm so. I'm so emotional, I can't even speak.

[Harlan Williams]

Do it.

[Bobby Lee]

Let me. Let me. Calm down.

[Andrew Santino]

I think we're getting somewhere. No, stay. Stay. Amp. Stay.

[Harlan Williams]

Amp.

[Andrew Santino]

This is where the real stuff comes.

[Bobby Lee]

Out when you see me in public. Right. Why don't you call me by my name? You don't. You call me Sarah Silverman.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah. It's a term of endearment. Do I call him Sarah Silverman? No.

[Bobby Lee]

Who do you call him?

[Andrew Santino]

That's special for you.

[Bobby Lee]

What do you call him?

[Harlan Williams]

Calls me Earthquake. The big black comedian. He calls me Earthquake.

[Bobby Lee]

That's what I'm saying.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, yeah. That's why Buddy, we can't get in with you, but.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, but why let a title get in the way of our intimacy?

[Bobby Lee]

Because when you scream it across a room and, hey, there's Sarah Silverman, the whole room turns around and it's me. It's a little awkward.

[Andrew Santino]

Well, can't you get around it and engage with me and be intimate and have a real conversation for once in your life?

[Bobby Lee]

Well, how can I have a real conversation with you when you don't call me by my name?

[Andrew Santino]

Well, get over yourself, Sarah.

[Bobby Lee]

And then I call you Johnny Meatlove. Fine.

[Andrew Santino]

I love it. Slap me with the gravy. Okay, I'm in. All right, it's just a title, but beyond the title. And again, you're deflecting all over the place. He can see it.

[Harlan Williams]

I'm not looking at him.

[Bobby Lee]

You're not looking at me.

[Harlan Williams]

No, I am.

[Andrew Santino]

When does the real buddy conversation happen between us three? You want to sit around all day and eat Styrofoam peanuts? Great. I can party.

[Bobby Lee]

You know what I would do, but.

[Andrew Santino]

When does the talk happen?

[Bobby Lee]

Let's go to Joshua Tree.

[Andrew Santino]

Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

Airbnb. Airbnb. A house. Get a fire going.

[Harlan Williams]

I would love.

[Bobby Lee]

I love s'. Mores. Oh, you know I love s'. Mores.

[Harlan Williams]

S'?

[Bobby Lee]

Mores?

[Harlan Williams]

The Jewish s'. Mores. Have you ever had s'? Mores?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

S' mores are unbelievable.

[Bobby Lee]

They're unbelievable. Know what a s' more is?

[Andrew Santino]

I sure do.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

I'll get the marshmallow. S'. More.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, I'll get the marshmallow, and I'll.

[Harlan Williams]

And I'll get the gefilte fish, and we'll have ourselves.

[Andrew Santino]

Isn't it interesting. Isn't it interesting that you want to drive three hours into the desert to open up to your buddy, and I want to open up right here and now while we're right in proximity. I want to live in the moment, and you want to create some fantasy getaway in the desert where maybe we can talk. But, you know, when there's a crackling fire, it's hypnotic. And you can't talk to anyone because you're hypnotized by the crackling flames. And this is all part of your deflection so that you don't have to look buddy in the eyes and talk and get to know the real me, and I get to know the real Sarah. Get to know you.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Okay. All right. Let's get real.

[Andrew Santino]

Here we go. Finally.

[Bobby Lee]

I love you.

[Andrew Santino]

Okay. How? There's a lot of layers of love.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. But as A comedian. You're one of the ones that I feel safe with. And trust me, love this. I feel like you're an ally.

[Andrew Santino]

I love this.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. I've always had a fun, playful relationship with you. Like we're two kids in a schoolyard, jumping with glee. Don't you feel that?

[Andrew Santino]

I do.

[Bobby Lee]

There's a childlike banter that you and.

[Andrew Santino]

I both have, but in that schoolyard. And thank you for opening up.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

The janitor built a wall.

[Bobby Lee]

Right?

[Andrew Santino]

And I need you to get over that wall.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay.

[Andrew Santino]

And come to me.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay. I'll break.

[Andrew Santino]

Maybe your friend Little Red over here, too.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, I'm the janitor. I'm building the wall.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Someone's got to clean up this mess and.

[Bobby Lee]

No, no, no. Since I was on the hot seat, you talked to Harlan about how you feel.

[Harlan Williams]

Harlan? I. I don't get you.

[Bobby Lee]

Come on, don't make a joke.

[Harlan Williams]

All right?

[Bobby Lee]

Get real.

[Harlan Williams]

It's a comedy show.

[Bobby Lee]

I know, but get real for a second. He made it real.

[Andrew Santino]

Thank you.

[Bobby Lee]

Right? Yeah. You're welcome, buddy.

[Harlan Williams]

Harlan, you're one of the most elusive comedians I've ever known.

[Andrew Santino]

Talk to me.

[Harlan Williams]

I think.

[Andrew Santino]

Is that hurtful?

[Harlan Williams]

No. Is that a. Is that.

[Andrew Santino]

Is that hurtful to you?

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, it is.

[Harlan Williams]

Can't pin you down. Don't know you. I just don't know the real you. I've tried.

[Andrew Santino]

Tell me how you've tried and let me.

[Harlan Williams]

You hide.

[Andrew Santino]

Help you get there.

[Harlan Williams]

You hide.

[Andrew Santino]

How well can I. I want to help you get there. Guys, intervene real quick, please.

[Bobby Lee]

Like the story about your dad.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

I don't think that's real.

[Harlan Williams]

I don't think that's real.

[Andrew Santino]

Would I show up in a corn shirt if it wasn't real?

[Bobby Lee]

That's what I'm saying.

[Andrew Santino]

We're worried about it.

[Bobby Lee]

Can I say another thing, please? Is you did a pod a couple years ago with my brother Steve.

[Andrew Santino]

Steve O. Stevie. Weeby Stevie. Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

That's my little brother, Steve.

[Andrew Santino]

Right, your little brother.

[Bobby Lee]

Right. And you had a little cap in your jacket.

[Andrew Santino]

Sure.

[Bobby Lee]

Right.

[Andrew Santino]

From my dad. A memento.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. And the cap was what?

[Andrew Santino]

A mushroom cap.

[Bobby Lee]

A mushroom cap from a man's penis.

[Andrew Santino]

Well, my dad was in the circumcision game.

[Bobby Lee]

That's what I'm saying.

[Harlan Williams]

Was that his profession?

[Andrew Santino]

I don't know, Don. Circumcisions. Down on Melrose782. Right over the door. It says, we love it when you leave a tip. And it was right over the door.

[Harlan Williams]

I know. I remember.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, I guess I Have had some procedures.

[Harlan Williams]

Urban outfit.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

I've been there.

[Bobby Lee]

Been there. Yeah. So that's your dad, Don.

[Andrew Santino]

Don.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. And he tragically died the way you described him. Dying?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay.

[Andrew Santino]

Children of the Corn. Nine years ago today. What's wrong?

[Bobby Lee]

Why? Okay. All right. You are being real.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Sometimes you have to, because it seems. Seems not fantastical.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

It seems fantasy.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. And if it seems like it's not grounded in reality.

[Andrew Santino]

Hey, guy. Everyone has their journey. Sorry if I'm not in your playbook. Sorry if I don't. I'm not a cookie cutter. I'm just living my life. Sorry, my dad got a sailfish through his spine.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Sue me.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay.

[Andrew Santino]

We all got our stories.

[Harlan Williams]

Don't sue him.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay.

[Harlan Williams]

We'd like you to be unsued.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

You would?

[Harlan Williams]

I don't want you to get sued.

[Bobby Lee]

Well, now.

[Andrew Santino]

Now I want to get sued.

[Bobby Lee]

Harlan, talk to Andrew about how you can be a better friend.

[Andrew Santino]

How can I be a better friend to the. And man, like, I want to get in. I want to be.

[Harlan Williams]

I want to let you in.

[Andrew Santino]

How do I do it? My guy.

[Harlan Williams]

I just don't think you can keep wearing those corn shirts.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, me either.

[Harlan Williams]

And any foods.

[Andrew Santino]

It's only one day a year.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

No more food.

[Bobby Lee]

I've seen you with barbecue. With actual barbecue on your shirts.

[Andrew Santino]

Well, that was real. But, like, stains.

[Bobby Lee]

Yes.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Wash it.

[Andrew Santino]

Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

But outside of that, I think the only way to really get to know you is to spend time with you, without clothes, without restriction. In a spa, talking naked. You said strip away the fire. Strip away all the distraction.

[Bobby Lee]

I agree.

[Harlan Williams]

I think we should go to the Korean spot.

[Bobby Lee]

We should go to the Wii Spa.

[Harlan Williams]

The Wii Spa. With you, get naked, sit around like real men and just real men.

[Andrew Santino]

Would you want to see this naked?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, but.

[Bobby Lee]

Yes. I mean, it's not.

[Andrew Santino]

It's not a challenge, what I have under this fabric. Do you want to see it?

[Bobby Lee]

Seeing is not the right word. Witness is the word.

[Harlan Williams]

Witnessing.

[Bobby Lee]

I'd like to witness it.

[Andrew Santino]

You would?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

What is it about what's under this fabric that is provocative for you?

[Harlan Williams]

This is just a shroud. Whatever you've got on this, this. This. The clothes are as. As. As false.

[Bobby Lee]

Shield.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, it's a shield.

[Bobby Lee]

What shield? To your heart.

[Andrew Santino]

What part of my analysis? I guess. So I prep for this.

[Bobby Lee]

Your penis.

[Andrew Santino]

That's the part of my anatomy.

[Bobby Lee]

I've never seen it.

[Andrew Santino]

Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay.

[Andrew Santino]

Have you visualized it in your head?

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Would you like to describe it to Your audience.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Corn dog, but a Korean one. So there's like, stuff on top of the. The breading.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, when they dip it in stuff.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah. So it's got, like, corn, nuts, and, like, you know, little snacks, little bacon bits. You know, I don't feel like it's a salt. I feel like there's other flavors involved.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, let me say this.

[Bobby Lee]

Go ahead.

[Harlan Williams]

We're going to go to the spa to connect, and I think that will bond us together. We'll get through. We'll get rid of all this other crap.

[Bobby Lee]

They have shorts there that you can wear if you're like, I'll go European.

[Andrew Santino]

I'll go pink when I'm nude. I look like a shrimp, by the way. A cocktail shrimp.

[Bobby Lee]

That'd be too.

[Andrew Santino]

And if I curl my body sort of like this.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Gargoyle.

[Andrew Santino]

I look like a cocktail shrimp. Like, you know, they hang them on the glass.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

I'm pink like that.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, that's fine.

[Andrew Santino]

I'm me like that.

[Harlan Williams]

Me too.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

So what? Just so I can put this into context, the three of us sitting naked in a spa, getting to know each other. Is it a steam room? Like, can we.

[Bobby Lee]

Rice on a steam room? The whole bit.

[Andrew Santino]

So is it like I'm watching almost like a ship emerging through the fog, your pasty white bodies, or is it a clean steam room where the air is clean and I can have a crystal clear?

[Bobby Lee]

There is. There is steam.

[Andrew Santino]

There is steam.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

So it's ghostly.

[Bobby Lee]

Sometimes you can't even watch me walk in. I'm just there. Wow. Yeah. Like a ghost.

[Andrew Santino]

Just like. Yeah, I know that. Swirling.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

It looks like John Carpenter's.

[Bobby Lee]

Exactly. The fog. Yeah, exactly.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

You wait in there long enough.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

And the karate ghost appears.

[Andrew Santino]

Wow. I'm in. Guys, let's recap. Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

We learned a lot about you.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Huh.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, you thought you were recapping.

[Bobby Lee]

No, I was set.

[Andrew Santino]

My dad used to do a lot of recapping down at Don Circumstance.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Oh, you can reattach.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, he did that procedure as well.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Wow.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah. Every now and then there was a slip up.

[Bobby Lee]

Right.

[Andrew Santino]

But to.

[Bobby Lee]

I want a thicker cap. Can I get mine replaced?

[Andrew Santino]

How thick are we talking?

[Bobby Lee]

Shaquille o'. Neal.

[Andrew Santino]

Whoa.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. Big.

[Bobby Lee]

Really big Black.

[Andrew Santino]

A hubcap, almost.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. When a hubcap. Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Wow.

[Harlan Williams]

Harlan, we. We. We hope we get closer.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, Yeah. I think I like that. I don't know that it's going to happen.

[Bobby Lee]

I feel farther away, actually. Going to be honest.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Don't you feel farther away?

[Andrew Santino]

Maybe the mystery.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Maybe the distance makes us more interesting to people now than we ever were. Maybe this was an exercise in distancing ourselves from each other.

[Harlan Williams]

Good.

[Bobby Lee]

Good, good, good, good.

[Andrew Santino]

And your crowd now sort of sees us as a Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys mystery type of setup where maybe we don't want to give the ending away.

[Bobby Lee]

Wow.

[Harlan Williams]

Let's not do it.

[Bobby Lee]

Let's not do it.

[Andrew Santino]

I'm in.

[Bobby Lee]

I'm in, too, bud.

[Andrew Santino]

You in?

[Harlan Williams]

I'm in.

[Andrew Santino]

Nancy Drew, the mystery of the swirling steam room.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Yeah. Are you good at puzzles? Yeah. God.

[Andrew Santino]

Hit me.

[Bobby Lee]

You want a riddle?

[Andrew Santino]

Sure.

[Bobby Lee]

Can I give him a riddle?

[Harlan Williams]

Yes.

[Bobby Lee]

Grandfather, his son, and his son's son, they go fishing. You caught up yet?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay. On the way home from fishing, they get a car accident. The grandfather's son and his son's son die. No, no, that's not what it. That's not what it is. Let me stop at the top. Let me stop at the top. Let me start with that.

[Andrew Santino]

You just riddled yourself, you know, that.

[Bobby Lee]

Grandfather, his son is.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, that's why the phrase is. Riddle me this.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Grandfather, his son, his son, they go fishing, right? On the way back, the grandfather, grandfather, and his son died. The grandson lives. He's in the operating table at the hospital, and the surgeon walks in and says, I can't operate on this boy. He's my son. What happened?

[Andrew Santino]

It's his mother.

[Bobby Lee]

Very good. You're good. Good at puzzles.

[Andrew Santino]

The surgeon was his mother.

[Bobby Lee]

Yes.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

That was way too easy.

[Bobby Lee]

Do you have a riddle for him?

[Harlan Williams]

No. That was. That was really easy. Yeah, it was easy. Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. I don't know if I know any other. Oh, yeah, I got one.

[Andrew Santino]

I know where you got that riddle, by the way.

[Bobby Lee]

What?

[Andrew Santino]

You're gonna love this guy.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay.

[Andrew Santino]

That riddle came from an episode of all in the Family, where Archie and Meathead and little girl and Edith toiled over that one, because back in the 70s, it was always presumed that a surgeon would be a male. So back in the 70s, that was actually a very difficult riddle to figure out because people weren't accustomed to picturing women as surgeon, and so many people didn't get that riddle. And this ain't the seventies anymore.

[Bobby Lee]

All right, guy, I got another one for you.

[Andrew Santino]

And if you want to look that one up on YouTube, the riddle with the. You don't believe me?

[Bobby Lee]

I got another one for you.

[Andrew Santino]

Everything Harlan says is fake and wacky. Like, dad didn't die by a sailfish. Look, it up on YouTube. Y' all in the family. The Dr. Riddle, Surgeon Riddle.

[Harlan Williams]

Look it up.

[Bobby Lee]

Wow, that's actually in the show.

[Andrew Santino]

I told you. That's where it's from.

[Bobby Lee]

Wow. Okay. Well, I was just.

[Andrew Santino]

There it is. And I'm the guy that makes shit up, okay? How dare you, sir?

[Bobby Lee]

Here's another riddle.

[Andrew Santino]

How dare you, with your nutty little koala fingers and your chocolate fudge cluster eyes and your coconut cream pie pubis. How dare you?

[Bobby Lee]

I apologize. One more riddle before.

[Andrew Santino]

Yes, please.

[Bobby Lee]

There's a hundred cows, 28 chickens. How many didn't?

[Harlan Williams]

How many didn't?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, because it was her mother.

[Harlan Williams]

100 cows and 28 chickens. How many didn't? None.

[Andrew Santino]

No priest.

[Bobby Lee]

No. 80. Why? 28 chickens, 28 chickens. How many didn't'? 20 ate them. 80 didn't.

[Harlan Williams]

Harlan, thank you for being.

[Bobby Lee]

Thank you for being a bad friend.

[Andrew Santino]

Guys. Surprised? I'm not done.