Kelly Randis (2:10)

Thank you for having me.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (2:12)

First of all, let's talk about the invisible string theory right off the bat because you walked in, you said you're from Pennsylvania, you went to high school. Where? Pleasant Valley which is right near where I went to high school.

Kelly Randis (2:22)

Correct.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (2:23)

And you live in Pennsylvania.

Kelly Randis (2:25)

Yeah.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (2:25)

You also know someone who works for me. Yes, Kayla.

Kelly Randis (2:27)

Yes.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (2:28)

And Kayla reached out to me and she was like, hey, what about getting my friend on the podcast? And I'm like, yeah, I. I vaguely know who she is. Like, we've communicated before, and I think several times.

Kelly Randis (2:36)

Yeah.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (2:37)

Crazy how the universe. I mean, it's truly six degrees of separation. I have not read your book yet, but I am going to feature it in chapter seven book club.

Kelly Randis (2:47)

So, first of all, I'm a childhood survivor of sexual abuse from a parent. So what I was finding when I was in high school especially, and, like, going through all of that, there was a serious LAC literature that described what a child had to go through when they were in the judicial system, especially when your abuser was also your parent. So we did have books, like Child Called it that would describe, like, at length what their abuse was like and what that looked like. But when we tell kids, tell a parent, tell a friend, tell somebody, if abuse is happening to you, we don't really have a really good picture of what that looks like after they've said something. And that's what I wanted to take my journals, which is what my book is, and I took my journals and I put them into a format that I felt high schoolers and people that were going through that could identify with and have resolution with. Not just what that looks like when you're in court, but then also what happens after the fact.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (3:37)

Well, so what does that look like when it is a. A parent? Because they say to tell your other parent, but then what?

Kelly Randis (3:45)

Right. So a lot of it, My book specifically wound up catapulting a lot of policy change with not just the judicial system, with how they handle, quite literally, you walk into a courthouse and they throw you into the same room as your abuser. Like, we learned to separate people. We learned to put things in different places with children and youth interviewing children in front of their parents while they're standing there and not having a code word where that kid can safely bring the person to the side to be like, hey, actually, things aren't so great here. It is taught that abusers and sexual abuse and scary things of that nature happen with strangers. But more often than not, it's the people that we know and that are closest to us, especially when children are involved, because they know what you like. They know the links that you'll go to to get a special treat or a candy or to be involved in some Way, if you are being abused, there's just so many mental and physical things that go into abusers in general. But then when the abuser is a family member, it adds, like, this whole nother level of issue.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (4:59)

Was your dad. It was your dad. Correct?

Kelly Randis (5:02)

Correct.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (5:03)

Was he a part of you being interviewed or telling your story in the courtrooms and to other, like, adults?

Kelly Randis (5:12)

Yeah. So when you're testifying, they are quite literally sitting directly in front of you as you're telling the house. You have to be able to point them out. You have to be able to say, that is the person that did this to me, so that the record can reflect that you are identifying the person that did those things to you. It is super important. That's why I teach, and in my advocacy work, I teach people that when they're speaking with their children and they're teaching their kids their body anatomy. One of the reasons why so many cases when it involves a child, they get dropped or the charges don't stick is because people teach their children body parts and anatomy. That is not the legal, anatomically correct word for it. So they're going into court and they're saying, oh, like, they touched my ho ho, or they touched this. And the court then has the burden to prove that ho ho equals this. Not, they touched my vagina or they touched my penis. So when you're sitting in a courtroom, they're sitting directly in front of you, which is why you also get a legal advocate when you're going through. When you're a minor and you're going through that. So my legal advocate was amazing. She would sit either directly behind him so that I could make eye contact with her while I was testifying, or she would say, it's okay that you don't even look in that direction. You can literally, like, you know that he's sitting there. You can point and you can talk to me over here so that you're not even looking in his direction when you're talking about things or talking to him.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (6:45)

I am very explicit with my kids when it comes to the names of body parts. Getting to know what your body parts are as soon as you can talk. I never want my children to have to face, like, prosecutors or defense attorneys or, you know, advocates having to jump through the hoops. And that's what I told Rebecca. And I don't know how other people will react to me telling my kids what their actual anatomy is. Right.

Kelly Randis (7:07)

The best way to, like, really just put out there is like, this is a finger. This is an Elbow. This is a chin. Why are we calling our private parts anything other than what their names?

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (7:15)

Because adults are uncomfortable with it. And that's why I've always been anatomically correct with my kids. I mean, even my two, the twins, you know, have asked me, like, what is that? And like, that's a nipple. That's a boob. Like some other, like mom friends that I've had or parent friends or even on social media think that it is so repulsive. And I'm like, but if that can help one child.

Kelly Randis (7:34)

Yeah.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (7:34)

Through this kind of process and going through this, then I've done my job.

Kelly Randis (7:38)

And especially if it's your child, because at the end of the day, you want your kids to be able to come home and say, hey, when I was at recess today, so and so grabbed my nipple specifically so that you know exactly what happened. There is no. Well, let's read into this. Let's talk to the teacher. Like, you know, without a shadow of a doubt, your kid came home and said, this is what happened to me.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (7:55)

And then I'm going to believe them. I mean, not that I wouldn't either way. Right. But I would rather them be very explicit.

Kelly Randis (8:01)

It's a very powerful tool to name things the way that they are.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (8:04)

I just wish it didn't make people so uncomfortable. But when did you first realize that your childhood wasn't like everybody else's?

Kelly Randis (8:11)

There is a very specific turning point in my life. When I was dating somebody in high school, that happened when I was sitting at their dinner table and almost in an instant, I had these, like, I had these inklings of what I thought a family was and what it wasn't. But when you grow up in a household that was like mine, and I'm sure that you can relate to some of these aspects, when that is all you've known, you don't really know any difference. So when you're watching TV or when you're watching a show and you see this happy family on tv, my thought was always, wow, that's really nice. But like, that's not real. This is real. And I fortunately was dating somebody who was living that fairy tale type family where they all sat down for dinner and they, the mother asked how their day was and they were interested in the children and they shooing them away or hurting them or yelling or screaming or punching or doing any of those things. So when I was exposed to it and I spent a lot of time in that, it was very jarring.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (9:15)

Did you feel uncomfortable?

Kelly Randis (9:18)

I felt like something was Missing. I felt like I was missing something that, like, I started. I started to think about what is it that's either my doing or just wrong with my family, that it's not like that. And then you start thinking, well, is it just that family? Is that family weird? Because they are a family.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (9:36)

Sure.

Kelly Randis (9:36)

And they treat each other nice, and they get along and they do all these things. It. The questions start coming up, and that's kind of what started the momentum of. Okay, I don't think that this is. Something's wrong. Something's different, and I need to figure that part out.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (9:50)

Did your. The person that you were dating, did their family catch on? Did something come out that you, like, they recognized at the same time you did, or no?

Kelly Randis (9:58)

Yeah. So I originally was born in New York. I grew up on Long Island.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (10:02)

Okay.

Kelly Randis (10:02)

So a part of a perpetrator isolating people that they're abusing is to quite literally physically remove them from the situation. So we removed my entire family to Pennsylvania, and we had no family and nobody around that would come check in on us, bring us things. And when I lived on Long island, my mom had a very big extended family that would sometimes drop by or come bring us things or at least, like, kind of on the surface, be there for certain things. So when we moved to Pennsylvania and there was nobody there anymore, the only time that people were coming to my house were because I had a girlfriend that I wanted to have a sleepover with or to. To. To do something with for high school. Or in my case, it was my boyfriend's mom dropping me off because I had hung out with him, or vice versa. So she started asking questions in a way that made me feel validated that I was also asking the same questions in my own head and just kind of started to, like, probe a little bit into the ongoings of my house when. When she wasn't there.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (11:14)

Your mom or your boyfriend's mom?

Kelly Randis (11:15)

My boyfriend's mom.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (11:16)

And you felt comfortable opening up to her?

Kelly Randis (11:18)

I did. She was very kind. She was very careful about it. She never pressured. She just kind of gave me the space to talk about things.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (11:26)

I have tissues. I cry a lot.

Kelly Randis (11:28)

It's okay. It's all right.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (11:32)

I hate when I do this. I'm supposed to be professional.

Kelly Randis (11:35)

You are professional. It's okay.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (11:37)

No, I. I don't think Diane Sawyer has ever cried during an interview. It made me emotional for my own childhood, but also, like, thinking about my. My kids, friends. Like, I don't even know what I would do. Oh, my God.

Kelly Randis (11:51)

Yeah.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (11:51)

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Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (15:00)

All right, now that I'm trying not to cry. So your boyfriend's mom starts asking you questions and you felt comfortable opening up to her. Did you ever feel judged by her? Did you ever feel like, oh, this is actually probably not a good idea for me to tell her?

Kelly Randis (15:17)

No. She never made me feel like I couldn't say something. I think what ultimately changed in her, just like observing things versus asking more questions, was after one particularly rough night, I had gone to the nurse at school and I had changed on the emergency contact form myself to include my boyfriend's mom in the event that I had to get picked up from school for anything. So I'd written her name down. So I knew going to the nurse that I was able to call her to come pick me up. And she did. And I said, I just need you to come get me. And she didn't ask questions. And she came and she got me. And it was probably like five minutes after the first bell. I went to her house, went to sleep, literally did not wake up for about 12 hours. She like tried to wake me up to feed me, tried to give me food, just was completely asleep. I remember my boyfriend at the time coming home and I could hear her, like out in the hallway. At that point. I'm like starting to wake up and she's like, just let her sleep. I think that she just needs some sleep and come to find later. I didn't know this at the time. She said that when she picked me up, they had a bi level. She said the way that you walked

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (16:36)

up the stairs with the, oh, the

Kelly Randis (16:38)

house was a house that goes like up and down. So when you walk in the front door, you can either go up or down the stairs. But she said that the way that I walked up the stairs to go to the bedroom told her everything that she needed to know about why she was picking me up. And she let me sleep so long that he showed up to get me, was in the foyer of the house. And the way that I was looking at my boyfriend's mom must have just been red flags. And she goes, she can just stay here. She can just sleep here. She doesn't need to go home. I. I will drive her to school in the morning. My boyfriend at the time, he will sleep out on the couch. She can have the bedroom. And he goes, absolutely not. Like, no daughter of mine is going to be sleeping at her boyfriend's house. Get in the car and goes like this. And I go out into the car. And I think that that whole situation with her was really like the turning point for her where it stopped being something that she was just like, kind of on the surface, observing.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (17:33)

She became essentially involved.

Kelly Randis (17:35)

Involved. Yeah.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (17:37)

I don't want to get too far ahead. Do you have a relationship with her today?

Kelly Randis (17:40)

I don't.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (17:41)

Oh, okay.

Kelly Randis (17:42)

I don't have a relationship with her and I can talk about it. I don't believe that people. I don't believe that everybody in your life is there for the entirety of your life. I think that we have people that show up exactly when we need them for certain situations and things that we're going through. She was that for me, and I will always be indebted to her for the, for the, for the way that she helped shape my life to be the way that it is now. She was the first person to really notice that things were wrong and to kind of take me in that way.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (18:16)

But saying a lot. If that was in high school.

Kelly Randis (18:18)

Yes. Yeah.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (18:19)

So nobody noticed up until high school, unfortunately.

Kelly Randis (18:22)

I grew up in New York and I grew up in a location where my house was not the exception to the rule. Abuse was rampant among all of my friends homes, and we had the FBI on our block multiple times and drug busts and prostitution. And it just like, wasn't a great neighborhood. And it wasn't, it wasn't abnormal for parents to be hitting their kids, yelling at their kids, isolating their kids. Unfortunately, it just like, wasn't something that people talked about even if they did see something. And she was the first person who. And maybe it had something to do with that her husband was a cop that she felt strong enough to Say something when she noticed something was really off.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (19:12)

When was your first childhood memory of feeling unsafe? Or did you kind of always just think it was normal and so it wasn't like an. You didn't necessarily feel unsafe?

Kelly Randis (19:22)

It's a great question. Feeling unsafe, because I feel like, for

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (19:28)

me, I didn't start. I never questioned, you know, any neglect or anything in my childhood, really. Even when I was, like, walking down the street to my uncle's to get food, I never even questioned it then.

Kelly Randis (19:38)

Yeah.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (19:39)

What?

Kelly Randis (19:39)

I mean, I think that's a hard question to answer because at the time I didn't feel unsafe because that's just what my household was.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (19:45)

Yep. Right.

Kelly Randis (19:46)

You know what I mean?

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (19:47)

Like, yeah, we.

Kelly Randis (19:47)

If we didn't have food, we just didn't have food. And like, if somebody was dropping off food, if it's like an aunt or an uncle, just like, quite literally putting a bag in the door and like, okay, bye.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (19:56)

Right.

Kelly Randis (19:56)

If we were running the streets, because that's what we did, and like, showing up at a friend's house, oh, hey, I'm hungry.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (20:02)

That's just what.

Kelly Randis (20:03)

What we did. It wasn't. So. I don't know that I really felt unsafe probably until we moved to Pennsylvania. And I felt. I felt for the first time alone that even if somebody wanted to come check in on us, they couldn't because they lived in New York and we weren't going to have aunts or uncles or neighbors even. I mean, we go from living in New York where your houses are quite literally right on top of each other, and then we have, you know, pigs and farms and, you know, trees and, you know, it's like, it's a whole different world out here. So it's very different.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (20:36)

That's so interesting. I. I never really thought about the isolation in. Within homes and child abuse. Like, I. You hear about it with, like, narcissism or domestic violence as adults, but you don't really hear about it as a child. Do you know what I mean?

Kelly Randis (20:49)

Yeah.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (20:50)

So that's really interesting. Your boyfriend's mom was in Pennsylvania when you were in high school, but prior to her, do you feel like people had an inclination of what was going on but didn't say anything?

Kelly Randis (21:01)

Yes, I do. And I think that that was a really big. I think that that was one of the main reasons why we moved, because people were starting to ask questions and starting to notice and starting to get too involved with how we were being raised, and they didn't want questions.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (21:19)

Did you have siblings? Do you have siblings? Were your parents together at. During all of this? Did your mom know about it?

Kelly Randis (21:26)

My mom was an addict, but I didn't know she was an addict.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (21:30)

Oh. Until functioning addict. Or she just hit it. Well.

Kelly Randis (21:33)

Or she was an addict in the sense that she broke her back.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (21:36)

Okay.

Kelly Randis (21:36)

When I was very young.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (21:38)

Okay.

Kelly Randis (21:38)

And was one of the pioneers of doctors prescribing Vicodin, oxycodone, oxycodines, you name it, she was on it at the time because it was a fairly new concept. It was not unusual for you to be on five or six different kinds of opioids at one time.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (21:58)

Right.

Kelly Randis (21:58)

So it was doctor prescribed. So nobody questioned it because it was coming from a doctor. And she had a broken back. She also had seven kids. Six kids at the time. Seven kids when we moved to Pennsylvania.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (22:11)

You're one of seven.

Kelly Randis (22:12)

I'm one of seven.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (22:13)

Where do you fall in the line?

Kelly Randis (22:14)

Second.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (22:15)

Second. And how many girls? How many boys?

Kelly Randis (22:17)

Two girls. Okay.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (22:19)

Did your dad abuse your sister as well?

Kelly Randis (22:23)

So one of the things that I've always tried to do when I do any kind of speaking or advocacy work is I have spent tons of years or so many several years in therapy since that time. And just because I'm confident enough to talk about what happened to me doesn't mean that my siblings are. So I've always been a protector of their information as it pertains to, like, what they may or may not have gone through. Some of my siblings did. Some of my siblings did not. I was the outlier in the way that I handled the abuse, because where some of my siblings would focus on substances or getting in trouble with the law or acting out behaviorally, I was doing kind of quite the opposite. And I was locking myself in my room if I could, if I had a lock at the time, and, like, studying and focusing on my schoolwork and doing anything to, like, kind of drown out the noise of what was going on.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (23:21)

Absolutely.

Kelly Randis (23:22)

So I do try to protect their privacy when I talk about what did or didn't happen with them. But inherently, you don't typically have an abuser abuse one person. You don't typically have. When we're talking about pedophilia or sexual abuse, especially when it's happening to children, typically it's not just one time. It's the one time they got caught. So we found out that it. Outside of my sibling system, there were cousins, second cousins, that were perpetrated and abused by him when I was very, very little, before I could have even known that I was Getting abused. So it just goes to show how far back it can go when families or people are not recognizing it and bringing it to anybody's attention, that it just perpetuates throughout generations.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (24:15)

So at what point did your mom find out?

Kelly Randis (24:21)

When do I think she found out, or when did she find out that she had to publicly react about it?

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (24:27)

Well, that's a loaded question. I guess both.

Kelly Randis (24:31)

Okay.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (24:31)

When did. When do you think she really understood what was going on? And then went, you know, and then the latter as well.

Kelly Randis (24:40)

Okay, so I told you that my mom broke her back.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (24:42)

Yes.

Kelly Randis (24:43)

So she was on disability, Social Security, so she couldn't work. So her entire lifestyle was dependent on him being the breadwinner, bringing money home, keeping a roof above our heads, food for. For the lack of better words, food on. You know, on our table. She played the game really well. She really enjoyed the opioids. She really enjoyed not having to go to work. She really enjoyed having things kind of just handed to her. So she was willing to stay in her bubble of that if it meant harming her children. And the only reason why I can confidently speak that is because spilled milk ends at me having my first daughter. And I never really felt confident enough to write spilled milk to, because I felt at the time it was still being written. And I found out after my mom died in 2020 from COPD.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (25:43)

Oh, wow.

Kelly Randis (25:44)

Yeah.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (25:44)

How many commonalities are we gonna have?

Kelly Randis (25:47)

I know. So same thing. Died of COPD in 2020. I found a handwritten note to me that she never gave to me telling me that she knew all about it and is really sorry that she never did or said anything.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (26:03)

That's not good enough. That's not good enough.

Kelly Randis (26:06)

It's not, and it never will be.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (26:08)

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Kelly Randis (28:08)

wix.com harmony but it still wasn't even given to me. I found it, it was left, it was somewhere in a drawer that she probably forgot about and I found it on my own. I also found a note inside of her wallet that was from him from jail.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (28:26)

And she held on to it, and

Kelly Randis (28:27)

she held on to it tucked into her wallet, all about how sorry he was and how he found God and how he's a changed man.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (28:37)

I don't know if the same sort of idea applies to like a pedophile, but a lot of criminals that are narcissistic will turn to God and that is like, like textbook narcissism is like turning to God and using that as like their reasoning. And that's not fair to people who actually have followed, you know, religion or the Lord and things like that. And that's really, really concern. Before your mom passed away, she, she, did she participate in all the trials and was she there for you or what side was she, what side could she have been on? Right, because on one hand you have your daughter and then you have your partner. So where did she, was she sort of in the middle?

Kelly Randis (29:19)

Nope, she was on. If you had to pick a Side. She was on my side from the minute the police showed up at the door to say, we have, like, you basically need to get out. We know that this is happening. You need to take your kids and you need to go to New York. Because when I went to the police station, I sat down with the police officer. And at the time, I didn't have the words because I wasn't taught that that's your vagina. And so the. The concept of sitting down with a police officer, first of all, you're. You're an authority person. So, like, that was uncomfortable. And then they wanted me to tell them the most intimate, detailed things that had happened to me as a child throughout several years. And I couldn't do it. So he slides me a piece of paper and he's like, do you think you can write it down? And I said, I can absolutely write it down. He goes, okay, I'm going to give you the room. I'm going to give you some time. Write this down. I'm going to come back, and then we're going to read it out loud together, and then you're going to sign it. And that was great. And I did that. So once I did that, they show up and they're like, basically, we're opening an investigation at this point because children, youth had been in my house several times before that. So they immediately tell us to leave the state. And they said, you can't, like, kidnap your own kids, obviously. You can't just, like, take all the kids. Because he was unaware of what was happening at the time. So we left a note on the kitchen table that basically said, hey, we're going to stay with our aunt in New York. We're taking the dog, too. We're just gonna go have a happy vacation. And it gave the police time to kind of go into the house and collect evidence and interview him and just kind of get things together enough that they could basically arrest him so that we could safely come back and he wouldn't be in the house and to get a pfa, which is a protection from abuse order. So once those things were signed, then we were able to come back and he wasn't there. But she jumped on the train of, oh, my God, I cannot believe that this happened to my daughter. I had no idea what was going on when. There's no way. She couldn't have known of what was going on because I. I was the. I don't know what kind of role you served, like, in. In your familial whatever, but I. My role as the oldest daughter and just the role that I had, that's

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (31:26)

a whole trauma in and of itself.

Kelly Randis (31:28)

Yes. Thank you. It is. So my role in my family was that I was the mother to my siblings because there were so many of us. So you don't.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (31:39)

I'm pissed off by that alone, because I have seven kids, and Elliot doesn't with kids, so I'm not ever gonna make him. You know what I mean? Any of my kids. You're not responsible for your siblings.

Kelly Randis (31:50)

Yes.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (31:50)

How you love them is one thing, but I'm never gonna. Aside from, hey, can you hand me a diaper? You're not expected to do anything for these kids. They're mine, not yours.

Kelly Randis (31:57)

Yep.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (31:58)

So that in and of itself is so traumatic.

Kelly Randis (32:00)

Yeah.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (32:01)

Just alone.

Kelly Randis (32:02)

So because my mom wanted to live in her bubble of using opioids and just doing what she wanted to do, my role in my family was to make sure that everybody else was taken care of and to make sure that dinner was being made, dishes were being done, like. And I'm talking, like, from the time that I was 7, so I was very little, doing all these things, and she jumped on the train of. I had no idea that this was going on because. And to her credit, I do really think that she wasn't aware because she was so high all the time. So, like, I really do believe she believed that in her heart. Like, I didn't know any of this because of the way that she was.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (32:41)

Were you guys afraid ever that he was gonna go to your aunt's house? Like, when you wrote that note and said, oh, we're gonna leave, or whatever? Were you afraid that he would show up?

Kelly Randis (32:49)

Not initially. He called my phone several times, like, the minute the police were involved.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (32:55)

Why you? Why nobody else?

Kelly Randis (32:56)

Why? That's a great question. He called me several times, and the police actually advised me, if he calls, you do not pick up your phone, because obviously, if they're not recording it, they're not gonna. It's hearsay at that point.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (33:07)

Right.

Kelly Randis (33:08)

So he called me several times. At the time, I had a job at a telemarketing place. So he showed up to my job and tried to see if I was there. He called other aunts, uncles, friends that he knew that I was close to or that were in our circle. And the one thing that he said to the one family friend was, well, Kelly must have said. And then she goes, kelly must have said what? And he goes, never mind. And he hangs up. So I think he knew right from the jump that something had Changed. I don't think that he could have possibly, like, known that it was at the level that it was, because I went from being the protector, being the caregiver, being the one that kept everything in and reeled in and looking nice and normal and whatever, to being the one that turned around and said, you know what? That this is. This is wrong, that there's something wrong here. I don't know what it is, but it's something. And it's. It's. It's big enough that I need to say something now. I learned later we had a family member that was abused by him when I was very young, and my oldest brother was very young. So she essentially was our babysitter. And he would come home and expose himself and do things around her and to her in our home when I was very, very little. So I wouldn't have, like, any memory of that. That. That person. Hold on, Sorry. That family member did wind up saying something to my mom and to other family members about what had happened, and they basically told her, no, it wasn't. It wasn't happening, and, no, that didn't happen, and, no, we're not going to talk about that. So that family member had a really hard time dealing when I went to the police so many years later as a teenager, because they felt that had they pushed harder, imagine, like, having the weight of that as a child that this is happening to. She felt that if she would have pushed harder, I wouldn't be in the position that I was in.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (35:11)

Similar to, like, survivors. Survival, guilt. Yeah.

Kelly Randis (35:15)

Yeah, for sure. So for how many people that we're aware it happened to, just in my extended family, it is. It's curious to know why it was never brought up before I said something specifically. I can also attest to remember how I told you that I had siblings who were dabbling in substance abuse or they were getting in trouble with the law, or behaviorally, they were not. They were not trustworthy to their teachers, to people that would talk to them about things. I had good grades. I was a cheerleader. I held a job. And unfortunately, in our judicial system, when you're interviewing a child, especially when that child is making claims of abuse, you want them to look like an abused child. Right? You want them to look a certain way, you want them to act a certain way. But when they act a certain way, which is typically how kids will respond reactively to abuse, you don't believe them, because now they're responding reactively. They're. They're responding in a way that makes Them untrustworthy. So in my very unique situation, because of the way I chose to cope with abuse, it made me a reliable narrator for the court versus all of my other siblings who saw all these things, experienced all of these things, were quite literally there with me when it was happening. But I was the only child out of all seven of us who actually testified because

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (36:48)

prosecutors or defense thought that they were untrustworthy. Because. But I mean, that doesn't even make sense because if you look at psychology, right, and the reasons why people are like kids are lashing out or why they might turn to substance abuse, it's usually always trauma.

Kelly Randis (37:02)

It is. So I'll give you like a really easy example. So let's just say they would have put one of my brothers up there and they would have said, hey, were you ever hitting? And he'd be like, well, yeah, okay, look at their notes. Hey, did you steal a four wheeler two months ago? Yeah, I did. But when the police interviewed you and they got there, did you initially tell them that you stole that four wheeler? No. Well, why? Because you lied right there. They're done.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (37:31)

So now they don't. Now you're, you're not credible for the rest.

Kelly Randis (37:33)

Cannot trust anything else that comes out of that child's mouth because the, the, the counterpart is that they're going to set them up to. Look, they're, they're setting the, the field and they're setting the stage to prove that that child, even though they're being abused, inherently is a liar, inherently is going to do things that's going to get them out of trouble or if they're going to be in trouble, they're going to lie about it, they're going to cheat about it. They're going to. And, and that's, that's honestly like one of the worst parts about the whole judicial system and what I had to go through because I had this unique situation where I was trustworthy and, and people did trust what I was saying. But I also had a boatload of other siblings who also had stories that they could have shared and also had things happen to and with, and in front of them that they witnessed. Even, even if it was something that was happening to me and they were like a first eyewitness, but they weren't trustworthy. In, in the eyes of the court,

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (38:27)

we're not talking about murder or theft. We're talking about child abuse.

Kelly Randis (38:31)

I know. Which is.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (38:33)

They're not the same.

Kelly Randis (38:34)

Do you know, like, I can't.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (38:35)

Being on a jury, I, But I'm Also a mother of seven. So I feel like I at things through a different lens. But I'm gonna wonder why they're lashing out, why are they acting out, why are they stealing, why are they lying, getting in trouble with the law? Why do they have substance abuse? Not. Yeah, well, they're doing all these things, so they must be, you know, not credible. Do you know what I'm saying? And that's really concerning, actually.

Kelly Randis (38:58)

That's why children as witnesses are one of the hardest type of clientele in, in the judicial system to have because they are so easily manipulated in terms of like what the questioning in a courtroom can make that child look like very easily. And they're children and they don't know any better or they just don't have the words or they're not confident enough to sit in a courtroom in front of their abuser to say, yeah, that person did that to me.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (39:25)

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Kelly Randis (41:08)

Yeah, I think that my childhood was normal for me. And I had. I had girlfriends that lived on the same block as me, and we would. We would ride our bikes and we would go running through our neighborhood and we would, you know, terrorize each other with water guns when we could find them, or, you know, take our bikes to the 711 to go. Honestly steal Slurpees, because that's what we did. Because we never had money, like, you know what I mean? So, like, you know, we did have these. I did have. Have these moments of this is what's normal for me. And I do think that growing up in a household where I had so many siblings was helpful because there were so many of us to kind of bounce off of. It wasn't just like a solitary thing. That was just my happening. It was something that was happening collectively to all of us. So it was. There was camaraderie in that because we all expected. We knew the cues. We knew what was coming. We knew that the tone. We knew. You know what I mean? And we all lived in that collaboratively.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (42:00)

So what's interesting about that is, you know, hearing your story and then also having read a child called it. Dave's experience in the book was the opposite. He was the only one experiencing it amongst his siblings. And I think by the end, there was four of them. If I'm not mistaken, he was the only child experiencing the abuse.

Kelly Randis (42:21)

Yep.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (42:22)

Did you and your siblings ever, without sharing anything about their story, did you ever share with your siblings what was going on with you before you went to the police?

Kelly Randis (42:31)

I don't think I shared anything. I know I didn't share anything that was anything about sexual abuse. But I did come to find out later, after I testified and after court was over, that I had two siblings walking on it and they shut the door or walked out and were physically abused. And I think that's probably. There was probably an unwritten and an unspoken kind of rule between us as children is I don't think that they told me or we didn't have conversations about my sexual abuse in the same way that I didn't have conversations about the physical abuse that they were experiencing. In a way, we sort of balance that amongst each other. I'm not going to talk about this if you don't talk about this, but together we know that this is happening, and we know that that person's getting the brunt of this. And it's interesting that you said that Dave's situation, he was kind of singled out among his family and about among his siblings. That's very common.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (43:43)

Like a family scapegoat.

Kelly Randis (43:44)

Yeah.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (43:45)

Yes.

Kelly Randis (43:45)

So you have a scapegoat. You also have a family golden child. Sometimes, really, I feel I was. Because I did get good grades, and I studied, and I. And I ran the house, and I made the food, and I gave the kids baths, and I did all those things. So you have a scapegoat and you have a golden child, and you. Everybody kind of just like, adopts these roles when you are in survival mode, I think, and when you're in these kind of traumatic upbringings and everybody kind of just knows their role and what is expected of them and how they're supposed to play that.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (44:16)

That. That's actually so interesting, too, because people always ask me, do I have a favorite kid? No, I don't. So a golden child. So you were simultaneously, in some aspects, a scapegoat. Yes, but also the golden child.

Kelly Randis (44:33)

Yes. And I think that a lot of the. Me getting away with things. And when I say getting away with things, I mean, we had no money, we had no food. We had at times, like, he had a lock that he would put on the cabinet when he would go to work and lock the food up and then bring the key to work with him and then bring it back when his shift was over. So, like, you didn't do anything in that house unless you got the go ahead. And more often than not, I would have special privileges where I could ask him for the key for the food cabinet and go get something. And I'm not just getting, like, a pop tart or something. I'm cramming things into my pockets to go hide it in my bedroom so my other siblings could also have things. So my role in that was, I believe, because he was very aware of what he was doing, he gave me special privileges to do things that my other siblings were not allowed to do. But in turn, it allowed me to do things for them. So it was like a very twisted dynamic.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (45:34)

Were there ever times that you had a normal dynamic with him in the midst of all of this, maybe in front of other people?

Kelly Randis (45:42)

So that's an interest. I'm glad that you brought that up. Usually in most cases, in. When you're dealing with childhood sexual abuse, the abusers are really good at abusing, and then charming, and then making it seem as though you're crazy to think that anything is going on here. I can distinctly remember situations where I was abused and I would come downstairs and he would be making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and he'd be like, do you want one? And do you want me to get you a glass of milk? And how about you sit over here next to me and act like nothing happened? And when you're younger and when you're. Especially when you're a kid and. And an adult does things to violate you or hurt you, and then in the same breath, they're. They're transforming into this person that's. I'm going to do nice things for you. It's almost like they're placating you and they just want you to recognize that the. The power that they have over you can go both ways. I can destroy you, but I can also make your life comfortable enough that you're going to have privileges and I'm going to do things for you. And it's. It's something that I don't really know that you can, like, put into words unless you're experiencing it.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (47:01)

It was like gaslighting through actions. Kind of not like calling you a liar, calling you crazy, but doing well. No, she just sat next to me and I made her a sandwich and gave her milk.

Kelly Randis (47:11)

Yeah.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (47:11)

What do you mean, yeah? I couldn't have abused her. And then you're thinking, did I actually get it? Like, almost like gaslighting you through actions.

Kelly Randis (47:18)

Yeah. And I actually really love that you said that, because there were times that he would just randomly look at me and be like, oh, you know, I really think that your bedtime should be like, a half hour later.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (47:27)

And you're like.

Kelly Randis (47:28)

I'm like, okay. And you know those sneakers that you were just saying you wanted because your friend has them? We're gonna go get those on Saturday. We didn't have money like we did. You know what I mean? Like, so there. There were actionable items. It's. I love. Actually love that you pointed that out because it. What? It's not so direct and it's not so, like, hey, you better not say anything.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (47:48)

Right?

Kelly Randis (47:49)

It's. You know that I can take this away from you.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (47:52)

Like, manipulation.

Kelly Randis (47:53)

Yeah.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (47:53)

What's understood doesn't need to be explained. So it's understood that you don't speak about this. You know, I'll cover it up by going to get you the new shoes or buying you this or buying that. It Doesn't. You don't have to say it, especially to the eldest daughter, because I think that girls can be manipulated differently than boys sometimes. Alessandra brought up emotional enmeshment, and I'm not super familiar with what that is. One, do you know what it is? And two, do you feel like you experience that?

Kelly Randis (48:21)

I think so. My understanding of what it is, and correct me if I'm wrong, but my understanding of it is that when. Especially in sexual abuse situations, when children become kind of emotionally dependent or intertwined with a person that's abusing them, it could be, hey, we've got this secret together, or we've got this. We've got this. We've got this bond that nobody else has. Like a trauma bond kind of thing. It happens in actually kidnapping cases as well. Like, they form this almost like, emotional attachment to the person that kidnapped them.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (48:55)

Like Stockholm syndrome.

Kelly Randis (48:56)

Yes, exactly. So I'm. I'm aware of what that is. Is. I do think that. Because it was. It was a detriment when I was younger, but it almost became like my saving grace when I got older because I was given the role of mother within my family and with my siblings, I felt a certain level of, like, protection about my siblings that I probably otherwise wouldn't have had if I was just their sibling. But as I got older, and especially when my youngest brother was born, he was. Was much younger, obviously, because we moved, you know, years later, and my mom had complications right out of the gate with having him. So I was the one up feeding him at night, going to high school, doing all the things. Like, I quite literally was his mother for a time, especially right at the beginning. So the bond that I developed with my siblings was the emotional one and the one where I was enmeshed with the second that that relationship started to get strained or unravel. And I realized that my role with him was one of power, not one of submission. Because if I said, get your hands off of him. If I said, stop yelling, if I said these things, he would do it because he wanted. I think he wanted me to feel like I had a say because it would keep me quiet. But in reality, it was feeding me, and it was making me feel more powerful than I probably was at the time. And I realized that I could manipulate the situation where I could protect my siblings better. So I. I understand the enmeshment thing, but I don't think it was with him. I think it was with my siblings.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (50:42)

I could see that, especially with you, like, just taking care. I cannot get over the fact that you were like a literal mother to your siblings.

Kelly Randis (50:50)

Yeah.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (50:50)

Through all of this, did he ever comment on that? Did he ever expect that of you or is that something that you just ultimately took on? Just.

Kelly Randis (50:57)

Yeah, I think I just ultimately took it on. She didn't want the role. He also didn't want the role.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (51:01)

So what was your mom doing in

Kelly Randis (51:04)

bed, on the couch, sleeping, getting sick? She would show up for. We did Irish dancing for a while. So she would bring us to like our competitions. There were, there were like situations that she would like show up for. How, how can I word this? She showed up for situations that made her look like a good mom. So if we were getting a, an award, like distinguish on a roll or this kid is on, you know, the best singer in, in the chorus group or whatever, or like there was a competition for something that we won or that we were going to do. If it made her look good, she wanted to be there and she wanted to be an active participant. But if it wasn't any of those things, if we were just like at home, she would be on the couch or she would be in bed. Most of the time in bed, sleeping.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (51:57)

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Kelly Randis (52:56)

Sort of. We, it was kind of just like an unspoken rule that when he would come home, you stay away as far as you can. You don't make loud noises, you don't talk directly to him. You kind of just exist in the space. And when you go to bed, you go to bed and then we don't, we don't talk back. We don't There, The. The. The level of, like, abrasiveness that would exist in the house, like, had to be at a minimum at all times. So, like, whatever anybody had to do to, like, make sure that that was the case is kind of what we did. It was like a survival instinct, I think.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (53:29)

Sure.

Kelly Randis (53:30)

Yeah.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (53:30)

Did you guys ever fight like siblings, or you didn't really have the ability to be normal siblings in the way that, you know, other families might have had because you were afraid if we fight, well, then this is the consequence. Or if we fight, this is. I mean, I think about Lux and Creed fight every freaking day of my life. I'm fighting for my own life with them. Them I couldn't imagine, you know, them not, I guess, just, like, staying far away from each other. You know what I mean? So, like, for you guys couldn't really have, like, a normal functioning relationship or sibling relation dynamic, I guess.

Kelly Randis (54:04)

Dynamic. Yeah. No, that's fair to say, because I. My. My other siblings fought with each other, like, but it wasn't. It wasn't about. It wasn't about, like, what cartoon are we putting on the tv? It was, you know, I'm going to beat you up or I'm going to kick your ass. Because that's what they've learned, and that's how they learn to address things. So, like, if somebody took something that was not theirs, the immediate first reaction was physical abuse. Like, I'm going to take this from you, and I'm going to hurt you to get it back.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (54:30)

Right.

Kelly Randis (54:31)

I'm going to scream at you to get it back.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (54:32)

Right?

Kelly Randis (54:32)

So in that sense, yeah, you're not wrong. We didn't have that normal. Hey, that's, you know, that's my dog. That's my, you know, that's my top. Or that's my, you know, whatever. Like, we didn't really have that. That to kind of, like, go back

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (54:43)

and forth with the siblings that, you know, like, they fight in the living room or something. You're like, hey, knock it off. Like, it wasn't that type of fighting. No.

Kelly Randis (54:48)

And, like, if anything, I'd be, like. I'd be, like, screaming at them to calm down because I know he's gonna be home soon. And, hey, to my sister, can you help me unload the dishwasher quick? Because it's got to be done before he gets home, like. Or something like that. Like, so the. The dynamic was definitely different.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (55:02)

The first time he was ever confronted about this. Was that in high school, like, after.

Kelly Randis (55:07)

And then, well, for me, and that I'm aware of. Sure.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (55:10)

Okay.

Kelly Randis (55:11)

Yeah.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (55:12)

When you're your boyfriend in high school, his mom. You said that his dad was a cop. Were they the ones that went to the police or did you go to the police or kind of. How did that all transpire?

Kelly Randis (55:23)

So I wound up telling my aunt after I actually wound up going to counseling in high school. And I did not tell my parents.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (55:31)

Your school counselor?

Kelly Randis (55:32)

No. I wound up going to the women in crisis center that was in my town. And the reason why that got.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (55:37)

How did you even know about.

Kelly Randis (55:39)

So this is crazy. So my boyfriend's mom started to. After. After she picked me up from school that one day, my boyfriend's mom was like, I feel like there's probably things that are going on in your house that maybe you're not comfortable talking to me about, but would you be opposed to me bringing you somewhere where you could talk about it? And I said, okay. And at the time, I was me and all my siblings were on state insurance. So she's like, like, you know, I don't know if you have insurance. If you can, like, find a counselor, I'd be willing to drive you, basically. If, like, you can figure out what counselor you can go talk to, I'm willing to drive you there. So I go home, I talk to my mom about it, and I'm like, hey, I'm just feeling, you know, I'm in high school. I've got all these things going on in my head. I kind of really just want to go talk to someone. And she's like, absolutely not. And I was like, okay. And she's like, I'm not paying for that. You're not going to talk about anything that's going on. If you want to talk to somebody, you can talk to me. You're not bringing anything out basically outside of the house. And I'm like, okay, looking back, does

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (56:39)

that feel like a red flag to you?

Kelly Randis (56:41)

Massive red flag. Massive red flag. Because clearly I didn't come in a. I didn't. I wasn't uprought in a family that, like, I wasn't raised in a family that we communicated things. So if I did have a problem or something was bothering me, I certainly wasn't going to do it to my parents.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (56:56)

Right?

Kelly Randis (56:57)

So. So I went back to my boyfriend's mom and I said, okay. My mom said, no, actually, no. I said, I found my insurance card. I called them. I looked up, like, I asked them if there were counselors in our area that my insurance would take. And I said, there aren't any that are, like, in the general area. I said, so can you help me find someone that I can go talk to? And she said, yeah, I know. And she went off and she found, like, the women crisis center. And it was. So it's free counseling. Most towns have them, just FYI. So they offer legal advocacy, free counseling if you're a victim of abuse in any way. Some of them have shelters, so they do a lot of good stuff. So at the time, I was working a telemarketing job in high school. In high school. So there were several times, I think at first I was going once a week, and then I started going twice a week. She would pick me up.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (57:50)

Up.

Kelly Randis (57:51)

I would have the COVID of I'm walking to my job after school, and I would go to counseling, and then she would drop me off back at my job so that at the end of the night when my mom or my dad would pick me up, I would be at my job, like I said I was. So after a little bit of time of going to counseling, I sat down with one of my aunts and really, long story short, wound up telling my aunt that I was being abused and that I was being sexually abused. And. And she, at the time, actually was in communication with my boyfriend's. My ex. Boyfriend's mom at the time.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (58:26)

Did they know each other already?

Kelly Randis (58:27)

They didn't, but they reached out to each other because the one aunt was kind of. You have to realize, I wasn't. It didn't really become a bigger issue until I was in high school, because at this point, I'm developing. I'm looking more like a woman. I'm not a child anymore. Things are being said to me, and eyes are on me in a way that a father should not be looking at or saying things to his daughter. So not only was family starting to say, that doesn't. That doesn't feel right.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (59:01)

They were doing. He was doing it in front of them.

Kelly Randis (59:03)

Oh, yeah.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (59:04)

How did you know that that aunt specifically was safe to talk to or that she might take you seriously and do something about it?

Kelly Randis (59:11)

She took me on vacation once, and my. My aunts were pretty good about this. And even my uncles, at the time that they started, something was going on. I would get special vacations. They would come steal me, and they'd be like, oh, we need her to help watch our kids on vacation. We need her. I'm running to the airport, and I just need someone to help keep me awake in the car. So they were literally taking me out of the house. Just me not any of my other siblings to just give me, I think, the space to maybe talk about something if I wanted to. But nobody was really trained in how to address that or what to say or what that looked like. So it wound up up just being like, these excursions that I would go on with my aunts and uncles. So my one aunt winds up talking to my boyfriend at the time's mom. And so I tell my aunt, hey, this is what's going on. I'm being abused. And she goes, okay. She immediately gets on the phone with my boyfriend's mom and says, all right, we're coming to your house. We all, we all got to sit down, and she's got to tell you something. And so I go there and I tell her what was going. I basically told her the same thing that I told her. And they said, okay, they said, we're gonna, we're gonna go to the police station. And then we go to the police station. And that's when I wrote out everything that had happened to me. And it was that night we showed up with the police and my aunt and my boyfriend's mom, and they were like, you're just gonna go on a vacation for a week to New York work while we figure this out. And once we get a pfa, the protection from abuse, and once we look into this and once we can, like, because he was at work at the time, once he gets home, we could talk to him. We're gonna let you know when it's safe to come home. So they said, maybe just don't answer your phone. Maybe leave a note on the counter that says, you're going on vacation. You're gonna stay with your aunt for whatever reason, and then maybe take the dog with you. And so we did.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (61:04)

Do the rest of the siblings go? So did you guys? I mean, seven kids is a lot to bring somewhere. I, I, I, you even saying that. I thought to myself, well, if I had to take my kids somewhere, where would we even go? Yeah, because where I can't even get one hotel room. I would have to have multiple. Because you can't occupy, you know, a room with seven kids and an adult. So did you all stay in one house, or did you guys get separated?

Kelly Randis (61:26)

Nope, we all stayed in one house. We slept on floors, and we slept with in our cousin's beds. And we just kind of made it work for the time that we were there until they could get things safe enough that we could come back.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (61:37)

I would guess that the relationship that you had with your mom during that I guess leading up to leaving your home would. Would was probably kind of complicated because that was your mom, but she was having some of her own issues. Did you trust her at that point? Did you feel like you could bond over the trust in her at that time? Or did. Were you apprehensive of her? Like, what was going through?

Kelly Randis (62:01)

I was really hopeful when we left New York to go back to Pennsylvania that things were going to be different because I thought I did the hard thing. I thought I finally said something, and now things are going to be different. And on the car ride home, I said to her, I don't know that I can go back to that house and sleep in that bedroom ever again. And what I thought was a pretty obvious statement of my comfortability with going back into the house that I was sexually abused in turned into a fight about how that was her house and she loved it and she's never going to move, and I'm just going to have to get over it. And that's just. That's just what it is. And how dare I think that she's going to change anything in her life? And I'm the reason why things are going to get much harder now because we no longer have his income to support us. And I think that's when I really realized that this isn't just you say something and it goes away. It's you say something and you have to buckle the in because it's about to get so much harder. I can't look at her.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (63:19)

I'm so sorry.

Kelly Randis (63:20)

Okay.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (63:21)

I'm not Diane Square. I've never seen that you can cry. Okay, so your mom basically is gonna. Is saying it's just gonna get harder. Like, you didn't necessarily do yourself any good. You kind of made it worse is basically what she's saying. And she's not willing to make any changes to her home and things like that. And so I would imagine that you're in a difficult or very sensitive position because you're a kid. You're keeping secrets. You want to do the hard thing and the right thing, and then you're also essentially taking care of the rest of your siblings. And so what was going through your head at that time when she said that? Like, do you think of it the same way you think of it now? Or at the time were you like, oh, did I just up?

Kelly Randis (64:15)

I think it was probably a little bit of both. I was thinking, okay, didn't you. I didn't think about that because, you know, you're a kid, so, like, the, the concept of money and having a house to live in and all those things isn't really what's on the radar at that age. So I did think, okay, I'm gonna have to step it up in terms of, I was working, so I was like, I'm gonna have to start paying for things. So in addition to just taking, like, not only taking care of my siblings, I'm going to have to financially start contributing to this family to make sure that we can stay together. Because I don't know what that looks like if we don't and if we can't.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (64:51)

Did you stay together?

Kelly Randis (64:54)

We did initially until I, I think, I think when I opened up the floodgates and I, and I said something and the police were involved and now this is a done deal. Like, you can't, you can't take that, walk it back. You don't walk it back that way. So I think once I made the decision and I made the choice and it was said out loud, I couldn't be there anymore. And I, and I, I couldn't physically go into that house without feeling like my skin was going to crawl off. I couldn't physically be there, and I had to white lie my way out of it because at the time I was only 17 and, or 16. And I basically told my mom that because I was abused in specific abuse situations, which this is not a lie, you can be emancipated, which means the court basically says you are old enough, mature enough, and you have the resources to kind of, even though you're a child, take care of yourself, Take care of yourself. And so you can go and you can be emancipated over here. Which is not a lie because that's what my legal advocate told me. She said, but it takes a while. And I know that you can't, you can't wait. You can't wait the several months, up to a year almost, to get in front of a judge, have them say you're emancipated. So I walked into the house one day and I said, hey, I was just talking to my victim advocate. Turns out that I can be emancipated because I'm a victim of abuse. I'm gonna go stay with my girlfriend. And I left.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (66:29)

And you never lived with her again?

Kelly Randis (66:30)

I never lived with her again.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (66:32)

What about your siblings? What happened with them?

Kelly Randis (66:34)

They still stayed there. And for several years I was able to have a relationship with them because I was financially contributing to her. So, because I kept the lights on. So to Speak. And my other aunts were contributing financially, and the wheelhouse kept turning. I was allowed to have a relationship with my siblings, and I was allowed to come and go as I pleased. I could come visit them there, which I did because a lot of them were younger. There was a small amount of time that me and my now husband did move back into her house for about, I don't know, a couple of months, several months when I graduated from college, because I had nowhere to go, and we had nowhere to go, and we were moving back into the area. So we literally threw a mattress in the dining room and slept on a mattress in the dining room till we could figure our shit out. I think the. The relationships that hurt the most were from my brothers who didn't really understand what was happening. They were younger and they. They understood, like, they. They understood what the word abuse meant, but they. I don't think they understood the context of, like, sexual abuse and what that really means. And when you're in a family dynamic, in a system where I have now been going to counseling forever, it feels like. And they're just starting in that. To see that, to have their eyes open, to really understand the depths of what the abuse was. In our house, we were on such different levels that I quite literally had brother say to me, well, I'm not going to believe anything that you're saying until the jury decides whether or not he's guilty. Because his. His. His awareness of things at that point, because he was very little, was so limited that unless somebody was. And it kind of. It kind of like feeds into the dynamic of what his role was. Like, he was the one who always told us what to do, when to do it, how high to jump. So my siblings were still in that mentality of, I'm not even going to believe anything that you're saying until somebody else tells me that's not you, that that's true. So they were waiting on, like, that guilty or that not guilty thing to decide whether or not I was believable, even though I'd never given them any indication to, like, not believe me otherwise. And even though they had their own experiences of being abused by him just in a physical way. So I think the concept of sexual abuse to them was hard to understand to the siblings that that hadn't happened to you.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (69:17)

Well, I also wonder if that's some. Some variation of Stockholm syndrome, because they're struggling with their own form of abuse, if they had some from him. And so they. But. But also the fact that he was their father. Too.

Kelly Randis (69:32)

Yeah.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (69:33)

What was the relationship like with your aunts that, you know, you stayed. Stayed in touch with? Did they also. Were they concerned that your mom knew and didn't do anything about it, or did they have a strained relationship at all because of that?

Kelly Randis (69:46)

That I think the only concern with what. With finding out or knowing whether or not she knew certain things was because when we started the court process and you're going in front of a judge and you're saying, well, he was abusive my entire life, the first thing they're going to do is say, well, how did your mom not know she lived in the same house as you? It was a sensitive. It was a hard thing to navigate because on one hand, you can't say she knew about it all, because then that makes her complicit. But you also can't say that she knew nothing because she lived in the house with us. So she had to have known something about what was going on. So when the DA's office met with me and my mom, we had to not only put myself up on the stand to say, this is the abuse that she was going through and this is what was happening to her, but then also put my mom up on the sand to show that she was addicted to drugs and was maybe not aware of what was going on, and also was to some extent abused herself because of financial reasons, because of spousal abuse, because of. He may have not physically hurt her or, like, touched her, but emotionally and financially. And so it was. It was a very. It was a very hard line to walk because we couldn't say she was a terrible mother, but we also couldn't say she was a good mother, given the circumstances. So it was difficult to kind of, like, address that in court.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (71:26)

Yeah, I could see that that would be really challenging, I think. What was his sentencing?

Kelly Randis (71:31)

His sentencing?

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (71:32)

Yeah. What was his. What was he convicted of and what was his sentencing?

Kelly Randis (71:35)

Okay, so he was found guilty on all charges, and he was convicted of several things. So the way. This is the easiest way to explain it. When you are convicted of rape of a child, or that's.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (71:49)

I.

Kelly Randis (71:49)

Sexual assault or. Or. Or corruption of a minor, there's so many. It's not just, like, one thing that happened, right.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (71:56)

It's all the things.

Kelly Randis (71:57)

All these little things. And the main thing is up here. And that has like. Like, you can get up to four years maximum for that, but then this is like, you get one to two years for that. So there are all these little subcategories of, like, corruption of a minor or somebody under 18 or rape or whatever it is. And then each one carries its own little, like, structure of how many years you can get in that particular category. So at the end of the day, he wound up receiving 16 years total across trust of what he could do. He did have the ability to be paroled after a certain amount of time if he completed the required education that they have for offenders, which he never did, and if he could be on good behavior, I guess is how they navigate that, which he never did. So he served the maximum sentence that he was given. He was not paroled early. He plead guilty? No, he did not plead guilty.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (73:01)

So he didn't admit to any of it.

Kelly Randis (73:02)

Didn't admit to anything. He went up on the stand, and I, obviously, they. They make it so that when you're testifying, you can't be in the same room when somebody else is testifying because they don't want your stories to cross. And, like, that's just like, a. A legal thing. So years later, somebody, I think I was in therapy actually, and she asked me. She's like, you know, like, what. How do you feel about kind of the way he explained things away? Like, because he wound up going up on the sand. And they're like, well, how. How did he, like, explain this away? Or how do you feel about the way that he explained it away? And I said, honestly, I don't know, because I don't know what he said because I wasn't allowed to this day.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (73:41)

You don't know him.

Kelly Randis (73:42)

I do now.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (73:42)

Oh, trans.

Kelly Randis (73:43)

He's got the transcripts. Yeah. So I was able to read over those. And he had said at one point, yeah, Kelly went to her aunt's house and talked to her about what was going on in our house and made it a really big deal. And the lawyer goes, oh, so Kelly went. And, like, kind of like, was like, oh. So Kelly went to the aunt and, like, was talking about things in your house, and she made it a really. A really big deal. And he goes, yeah, she made it a really big deal. And he goes, goes. So she went and talked about, like, the sex stuff. And, like, that was too big of a deal. She shouldn't have made it that big of a deal. And he's like, no, she shouldn't have made it that big of a deal. So he deleted it kind of right there.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (74:22)

Not guilty.

Kelly Randis (74:22)

Yeah. So kind of right there, he sort of, like, was still mad at me for saying something, but went up on the sand and was like, well, she shouldn't have made it that big of a deal? The sex stuff wasn't that big of a deal kind of thing.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (74:36)

Have you ever talked to him about. Have you ever talked to him after that?

Kelly Randis (74:40)

Never.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (74:40)

Okay. I've never spoken to him what his thoughts were on, you know, you, you told on him. Right. But what about the rest of your siblings? How, why, why did they end up with mental health struggles or substance abuse or alcoholism, anything like that? Like all of you guys are not up for no reason. Not saying that you guys are up, but you get what I'm saying.

Kelly Randis (75:01)

That's fair to say, actually.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (75:02)

So did he serve all 16 years?

Kelly Randis (75:04)

All 16 years.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (75:05)

Okay, well, I mean, that's a first. I feel like you never hear of people serving their entire sentence. Although I will say that you were 17 by the time you told on him, so it sounds like he didn't get enough time.

Kelly Randis (75:16)

Yeah, that's kind of exactly what it

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (75:17)

is when you're 17 years old. He should have at least 17 years right there. What would be enough time for you?

Kelly Randis (75:24)

I never would have wanted him to be in a position where he could hurt anybody ever again. So whatever that means. Means. I also think that it is interesting in my specific case because I was at Monroe County Courthouse when I was doing all this. So in my specific instance, a 16 year sentence was the longest sentence that they, that they had seen in like the better half of a decade. They're like, you don't get sentences like that for that particular charge.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (75:53)

And great, but also not great great, awful. It's terrible. Like great that he got the 16 years and had to serve all 16 of them. But like I said, you were 17, so that's 17 years right there that he robbed you of your innocence and your self worth and whatever else that you endured. Plus you said that you had another family member before you. So what about her childhood too? So it's like we're talking about multiple children here and I just, I don't know that. 6. Great that he served all of it, but not enough.

Kelly Randis (76:19)

Yeah.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (76:19)

What did that do to your selfworth growing up and even through the entire. The entire process of really standing up for yourself and going to court and stuff. Like, did you ever struggle with like your own self worth?

Kelly Randis (76:33)

I think I probably always will. I don't think that that's something that you like kind of get over it. Like you deal with it for a certain number of years of your life. I think my self worth has changed hands, if that makes sense. So my self worth originally was stapled in how I Preserved and protected my siblings. And then my self worth was how do I make. Make. How do I help my family come out on the other end of this and ensure that my family is thriving and can do stuff and still be a family unit? And then my self worth was I'm going to go to college and I'm going to get a job and I'm going to become a better person because of what happened. Not in sp. You know what I mean? Like, not in spite of, like, I don't want that to be the reason why I don't do anything with my life. I want to actually be the opposite of that. That. So I think that my self worth has been ever evolving and I think that I'm just probably naturally always going to struggle with the why mes of my situation specifically because not only was I a victim of abuse and then sexual abuse and then like having to. To kind of pioneer my family through this, but then I do get through that and I have this beautiful, successful life with a man that, that loves me and children that I love and I love being a mom. And then I get cancer.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (77:57)

And before that your mom got sick.

Kelly Randis (77:58)

And then before that I was completely estranged. I was estranged from my mom, like to the point that I maybe spoke to her twice over the course of like two or three years. And then she was dying and I get a call from her and that I need to come see her. And I show up to the hospital and she's like, I'm making you the executor of my estate. And I had no idea what that meant. And I said, okay. And she goes, you were the only one of my children that wants nothing from me and that expects nothing from me. So I know you're going to do exactly what needs to be done and make it fair for everybody.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (78:37)

Were you comfortable with that or was that complicated for you?

Kelly Randis (78:41)

I was comfortable with it only because I knew how. I knew how badly my siblings were struggling with their own mental health and with their own worth. And my youngest brother at the time was still in high school when she died. And my. Again, my priority and in my priority in that role would be to make sure that they were all given the best chance to have a life. Life after her because they were struggling so bad and because they didn't have anything to

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (79:22)

like, stabilize them.

Kelly Randis (79:24)

Stabilize them? Yeah. Like, I. I wanted to make sure that she didn't have much, but the things that she did have. She did have a house. So I'm like, in my head, I'm Thinking, at the very least, if I can get them what the house is worth and get them some money in their pocket, it may maybe then maybe that will be the turning point for them. Just like I had a turning point where they can, like, finally say, you know what? Okay, I can do this. I'm independent. I'm gonna go get an apartment. I'm gonna, like, change my life at this point. And, like, that's obviously, like, you want that for everybody. Like, you want.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (79:53)

Yeah.

Kelly Randis (79:54)

And. And it's funny that I actually just said that out loud, because I'm saying that from the perspective of a mother, you always want your children to do better than you. But that's how I think about my siblings. I've always wanted them to do better than what they were currently doing or what even I was doing. So it does make our relationship complicated because I don't think that we ever had a fair shake in being siblings. It was always a mother, child relationship with all of them.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (80:19)

Even your older brother?

Kelly Randis (80:20)

Even my older brother.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (80:23)

Okay, so give me the timeline. So High School, 17 years old. You go stay with your girlfriend until you figure out the rest.

Kelly Randis (80:32)

Yeah.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (80:33)

Your mom and your siblings are back in the house. Dad's in prison.

Kelly Randis (80:37)

Yeah. At that point. At that point, he was in and out. He was in, and then he was able to get out, and then they got time served. It's like a whole thing.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (80:43)

Okay, so when he would get out, would he go back to the house with your siblings?

Kelly Randis (80:46)

He was not allowed back in the house once that original PFA was issued. You basically have to wait for trial and whatever trial says, then they, you know, would. Obviously, they wound up getting divorced. But he never physically moved back into that house. House. But he did have supervised visitation with the kids. With the kids.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (81:04)

Okay. And so you become. You were already the executor of her estate.

Kelly Randis (81:10)

Right.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (81:12)

You do whatever you do with assets and everything else. How far after that did you get sick? With cancer.

Kelly Randis (81:18)

Okay. So my mom died in June of 2020. It took about estate and probate and all that stuff takes about a year. So we moved to North Carolina to essentially get away from everything.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (81:30)

Even your siblings?

Kelly Randis (81:30)

Even my siblings. I. I think after dealing with my mom's estate stuff and having to address their addictions and address their mental health issues and getting them out of the house and getting the house ready to sell and just dealing with all that, I needed to take a step back, because at this time, I have two kids, I have a career, I have a husband, and I'm focusing So hard still on other people that are not me and not my family, that I said, we just really need, like, a clean break. So we wind up leaving, and we are down in North Carolina for about a year and a half, and I got sick, and I thought it was the flu, and I thought it was like, several months, though. It's like the. I couldn't get rid of this cough off. I thought at the time, because he was going to be. This is gonna be a spoiler. I thought the time. Because he was gonna be getting out of jail.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (82:25)

Your dad.

Kelly Randis (82:25)

My anxiety. Yeah, that. My anxiety was, like, really heightened. So I'm. I'm not feeling good. I'm getting panic attacks, anxiety attacks. I actually wind up going to the doctor and I'm like, yeah, like, I'm just feeling kind of off. And she's like, oh, well, I think that maybe you need to, like, go talk to somebody. It's anxiety. I'm like, all right, so wind up going in. Sign up for a counselor that. Because I was already doing, like, the. The zoom, and I was like, maybe, like, an in person thing would give me better results here because he was getting out. So it's like, maybe this is digging up some stuff, obviously, because it's like, it's a lot. So I wind up going to the hospital, and my husband drops me off. My daughter's in the backseat because she was also sick. I said, just drop me off. I'm gonna get some IV fluids. I'll call you probably in about an hour. You can come pick me up. I never left the hospital. I wind up getting admitted because my heart rate was like, through the roof. And they're like, okay, that's a little weird. Start doing, like, an ultrasound. And, like, they start like, taking my. My. My blood pressure. And they're like. They're kind of looking around. They're like, yeah, this is, like, really weird. They bring the ultrasound in, and they're doing that, and you have, like, just so your heart is like, here. And then you have a sack that's around your heart, and inside that sack, there's like, a very minimal amount of fluid. Just so it's kind of like a knee socket.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (83:38)

It.

Kelly Randis (83:38)

Just to keep it fluid so your heart can pump and move around in there. And it's not abrasive against your other. Your other stuff in your body. So that sack had filled with fluid inside of my heart. And they're like, okay, you need to have emergency surgery. And I'm like, like, drain it. To drain it. And I was like, okay. Like, this is very serious. I call my husband. I'm like, you need to get here. They're talking about doing some emergency surgery. He gets there, and he's like, how many times have you done this procedure? And he's like, plenty of times. She's in good hands. She's good.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (84:10)

That's a good question to ask.

Kelly Randis (84:12)

How many times have you done this? Because this is, like, a pretty. A pretty serious thing, the guy. So I couldn't be asleep for this procedure.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (84:19)

Oh, my God.

Kelly Randis (84:20)

Because when does.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (84:20)

When does the trauma end for you?

Kelly Randis (84:22)

I don't know. I think hopefully soon.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (84:24)

Do they sedate you, at least?

Kelly Randis (84:26)

They sedated me to the point that I was, like, relaxed enough that I couldn't. That I was. I was a little relaxed. But your heart had to keep beating, like, as though you were awake. I don't know why.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (84:37)

It was probably because it slows down

Kelly Randis (84:39)

when you pump out the fluid.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (84:40)

Okay.

Kelly Randis (84:40)

It had to be beating, like, a certain way, so I couldn't be completely under while they were doing this. So they essentially took, like, a catheter and stuck it down into my heart. But they couldn't go so far that it would go into my heart. They had to go right in between where the fluid was building up, up and to. To get the fluid to essentially leak out. So they do this. And as he's finishing, I could see him, because I'm awake. He's going like this. And his hands are coming up like this. And his hands are like this.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (85:08)

Why?

Kelly Randis (85:08)

And I'm like. And he goes to the other guy, he goes, you can close her up. And he walks away. And he comes back into the room. When he's done, he goes, that's the second time I've ever done that procedure after it was done, because it was such an emergency, I didn't have any options.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (85:24)

Wait, so did he lie?

Kelly Randis (85:26)

Yes.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (85:26)

To make you feel better?

Kelly Randis (85:27)

Yes. He didn't lie. He's like, oh, I've done it plenty of times before. We didn't actually think plenty. I guess one or two was plenty, but we didn't know that. So he had actually only done that procedure twice. But at the time, we lived on an island. Like, when I tell you we lived on an island that was this big, we didn't have any other options. So they had to get me stable enough to transport me to a more inland hospital where I could actually get that care.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (85:54)

And then you were diagnosed with cancer.

Kelly Randis (85:57)

So we get to the second hospital, and this one doctor comes in. He's looking at my chart, and he's like, oh, now, mind you, we have not heard the word cancer at all. We have. No. I think it's my heart. I think I'm having, like, a heart attack or something with my heart because they're draining my heart. So they wind up draining the fluid. You know what a gallon siiz Ziploc bag looks like? That's how much fluid they took out in that little space area. Yes. But around my heart. Heart. So when I. When I tell you I had doctors coming into my room, they're like, you should be dead. Why are you still alive? Because the amount of fluid was putting so much pressure on your heart, it was barely beating. They're like, we don't know how you're alive. So they do that procedure. They drain the fluid. It keeps coming back. It keeps filling up. And they're like, that doesn't make sense. We drained this. It should be a one and done deal. It should be just, like, good to go. So we get to this other hospital, and the guy comes in, he's looking at my chart. He goes, oh, okay. And I guess, like, we're gonna do this to, like, address the malignancy. And we're like, the what? And he goes, yeah, the.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (86:55)

The cancer.

Kelly Randis (86:56)

Has anybody been in here to talk to you? And I'm like, about what? And he goes, I'll be right back. And he would have thrown up.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (87:02)

I would have thrown up.

Kelly Randis (87:02)

And he leaves. And honestly, at that point, we still didn't even really put it together, like, because nobody said the word cancer. It was malignancies. It was. Your heart is filling with fluid. It's. It's like they just, like, kind of go around it. And I understand why they do it because, like. Like, they don't want to jump the gun and be like, yeah, it's cancer. When they don't have it under a microscope to definitively say it's cancer.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (87:23)

Sure.

Kelly Randis (87:24)

So what wound up happening was I had to go for a procedure to essentially put, like, a flap where the. The fluid could be drained because you couldn't just, like, keep the catheter in there. It had to be more of like a. Not a permanent thing, but like a thing that would, like, get the water, like, the fluid to drain out. So we're going to put a flap there. While we're in there, we're going to test your tissue. We're going to take a little biopsy, and we're going to look at it under a microscope while we're in the ER and if we think it looks malignant, we're going to put a port in your chest. And I'm like, so what does that mean? They said, okay, well, basically, if you wake up and you have a port in your chest, you have cancer. And I said, okay. So I go in for the procedure. They put me under as I'm getting the procedure done. Towards the end of the procedure, they. They send you like. They said. They're sending my husband text alerts like, hey, the procedure is almost done. It's taking longer than usual, whatever it is. And they send him, like, little updates. So towards the end of my procedure, the nurse walks out into the waiting room and they say. And he goes, you know, is she okay? Is she doing well? And she goes, yeah, she's fine. They're just getting done putting the port in now. She'll be out shortly.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (88:35)

And that's how he found out you had cancer?

Kelly Randis (88:36)

And that's how he found out I had cancer, because the port getting put in meant that I had cancer. So when I woke up from anesthesia, I remember my eyes still being closed, and I was like, do I have a port in my chest? And she goes, yes. And I said, okay. And then that's how I found out that we. That I had cancer. So we both found out that I had cancer because the port was inserted. We had no idea what kind. We had no idea what that meant. It just meant that they were able to take tissue and identify that it were. There were malignant cells in my tissue right there in the er and they were able to put the port in so that I didn't have to go through another surgery to then deal with the cancer part of it after.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (89:16)

So what type of cancer? Are you in remission now?

Kelly Randis (89:20)

Remission's a funny word. Let me tell you what kind of cancer I have first, and then I'll kind of explain why that's a hard question to answer ultimately, after several weeks, because usually it's like, oh, you have this type of breast cancer, or you have this kind of whatever. I have lymphoma, which is a blood cancer, essentially. And typically, lymphoma is divided up. You either have Hodgkin's lymphoma or non Hodgkin's lymphoma. And non Hodgkin's has, like, the more rare aggressive types in their subset. And then Hodgkin's is like. For all intents and purposes, we hate using these words, treatable kind of cancer, because the chemos can, like, Attack it really well.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (89:58)

So it just responds better.

Kelly Randis (89:59)

It responds better, yeah. To treatment and to things. And your. Your. Your prognosis is much better when you have a Hodgkin's. So. So I was diagnosed with stage 4 ALK negative anaplastic T cell lymphoma with TP53 mutation. That's the name of it. Because it's so rare and aggressive, they don't have a non Hodgkin's lymphoma or lymphoma Hodoma. Yeah. So ultimately we wound up happening. And the reason why my cancer is so unique and scary is that it is showing markers. When they put it under and they put it with their test and under their microscope, it shows markers for one of the worst non Hodgkin subset T cell lymphomas that, like, is that. That they have research on and that they're aware of in addition to Hodgkin's lymphoma. So it makes it ridiculously hard to treat because all of the therapies that they would use for Hodgkin's lymphoma, which is why my chemo would start to work and then stop working because of that TP53 mutation. All that means is that normal people's cells have a. Basically a shield around, like, their cells, and when the chemo goes in or the radiation goes in, that cell gets destroyed, regenerates, it spreads. So I don't have that protective shield around my cells that when something like as harsh as chemo goes into my body, it's like, oh, we're gonna. That's dead. It's. It says, oh, okay, well, we're gonna mutate to try to fight the chemo now. So it spreads and it goes elsewhere.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (91:40)

So when you found out it was stage four, did they give you any idea of how long you had been living with it before you actually had exhibited symptoms of it?

Kelly Randis (91:47)

They didn't. So it's kind of hard. That's like, that's anybody with cancer. It's like, how long did I really have this before it was found?

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (91:54)

Hindsight, Was there any maybe things that you. Oh, well, that's what that was.

Kelly Randis (92:00)

So this is going to be. This is probably interesting, obviously. Like, I. I want everybody that's listening to take this with a grain of salt, because everybody's symptoms are going to be different. So I don't want somebody to be like, oh, my gosh, I had that. Maybe I have cancer. But there is a very specific and unique thing that happened to Me, when I would drink a beer that the oncologist said, does this happen when you drink beer? When I was in the hospital. So when I would drink a cold beer, the first beer. Not if I had two or three. Literally, the first beer, I would get a burning sensation that would go from the top of my throat all the way down my sternum to the top of my stomach, and I would have to breathe through it. Like it was painful. It was only the first couple of sips. Only the first beer. Only with beer specifically. Not like vodka, not any other kind of liquor, not wine. It had to be a beer. And when I was in the hospital and they were finally confirming that I had cancer and specifically I had lymphoma, he asked me, like, one of three questions, and he goes, does your heart or does your chest burn when you drink beer? And I look at my husband, and I was like, how the hell could he possibly know that? That's crazy to me.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (93:09)

Was there anything else, looking back, that stuck out to you?

Kelly Randis (93:11)

Yes. I started to crave hot sauce.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (93:17)

Why? Did they say why? Why that would be.

Kelly Randis (93:19)

I started to crave hot sauce. And I'm. I don't like spicy. I don't like hot sauce. But I spec very two random things. I wanted ramen for the first time in my life. Like. Like the. The ramen. Like, the.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (93:30)

These are like pregnancy cravings.

Kelly Randis (93:31)

Exactly. That you eat, like, when you're in college. I wanted ramen with a ton of hot sauce. I could not explain it. I'm like, I just want to eat it all the time. And there's something that happens internally when your cells start to ex. Like when the cancer is growing basically inside of your body. It, like, does something with, like, the. The heat and, like, the generative. Like, something with, like, the. The hot sauce. Like, boost your metabolism or something. I forget what they said. It does, but, like, there have been cases that they. They will, like, write down that, like, a craving that you have is, like, kind of out of nowhere. You suddenly want spicy things or you want hot sauce, which I thought was really interesting.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (94:09)

That is so fascinating. But you're living in North Carolina at this time. Not for very long at that. You have your entire. Like, entire meaning your husband and your kids.

Kelly Randis (94:19)

Y.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (94:20)

Did you have a support system there yet?

Kelly Randis (94:22)

We had. We had a group of friends that were down there. We didn't have family. We had no siblings, no aunts, no uncles. His mom still lived up in Pennsylvania.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (94:31)

Sure.

Kelly Randis (94:33)

So we had a very small group of friends that. That we had down There for support. But other than that, we left not knowing anybody that lived down there. It was just us.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (94:44)

So then what do you guys do? Do you guys get the diagnosis and then go back home, or do you stay in North Carolina or what? What's the plan of action?

Kelly Randis (94:52)

Thankfully, Mark's mom, my husband's mom, she wasn't working at the time. So when we realized that this was going to be a much longer situation, I was like, we need to fly you in, and you need to come be with my kids, because we don't have anybody that can do that. So thankfully, that was kind of like the. The silver lining in what we had to do. His mom stayed with us for a while. It was really hard to be in North Carolina with cancer. After, like, I felt we left to kind of start again and start new and start fresh and to kind of be hit with that when we lived there was. It was devastating.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (95:40)

I don't know what your, like, religious beliefs are, your spirituality, but did this test everything that you ever believed in, you know, getting through everything that you had gotten through already and then for you to have to face this, too?

Kelly Randis (95:54)

I think that my experiences in life so far don't really allow me to entertain the idea that things are either completely in my control or out of my control. I just feel like I constantly struggle with that because. What do you mean? Like, I was sexually abused as a child, and then I was sexually abused as a teen, and then I go through this trauma with my family, and, like, our families are falling apart, my family's falling apart, and I just testify against my abuser. Then I lose relationships with siblings or they're. I'm watching them mental health wise, deteriorate, and I find my husband, and he's amazing. And I. I have this life that I finally feel I'm getting set up for, and then I get cancer. So it's. And now, mind you, I was the epitome of health. I was biking 15 miles a day. I always ate healthy because growing up in a house where you had no food or very limited resources of food, you tend to go the opposite when you're an adult and you either engor on those things or you binge on those things, or so I had to, like, relearn how to have a good relationship with food, which, thank God, my husband was a really good cook and is a good cook and was totally fine with, like, helping me figure out what things I did actually like and not like. And that's a hard question to answer because I don't I don't know that I've ever had the time to have this be anybody else's burden but mine, if that makes sense, spiritually or otherwise.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (97:27)

Guys, I could not imagine what you have gone through your entire freaking life, and then to sit here and tell your story. Like, I just. I. It's so hard for me to wrap my head around that. I. I don't believe in God for less than what you've been through. So I don't know. I. It's really, really hard for me to sit here and listen to your story and just. You came in with such a good energy and like. Like, I'm so. I'm so sorry.

Kelly Randis (97:57)

It's okay.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (97:58)

It's ugly.

Kelly Randis (97:59)

Hug.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (98:02)

You have a. A white sweater on. I don't want to get.

Kelly Randis (98:05)

No, you're fine.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (98:06)

I'm sorry. You came in here today and just the best energy and just so sweet and talked to the other guest that I had right before you, and, like, what. What drives you to tell your story? Why? Why? How. How can you sit here in a recording for, I don't know, an hour, two hours, and you can walk us through everything? Like, how. What drives you to do it?

Kelly Randis (98:30)

I think at this point, I need the world to be better than what it is when I leave it.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (98:35)

Yeah.

Kelly Randis (98:36)

And I think the only way that that's realistically going to happen is if I continue to tell my story and if I continue to show up in ways that.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (98:45)

That

Kelly Randis (98:49)

I'm going to have to at some point address these issues with my girls, and there's a really good chance that I may not be the one doing it.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (98:58)

Oh, my God, that's horrible.

Kelly Randis (99:02)

I put on a really good. I put on a really good front of a lot of things. But the thing about me having cancer and my daughter just getting to the age where I can probably start talking to her about these things because she's going to be 13 shortly, and I know Elliot's just a little bit older than her. Yeah.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (99:21)

So they're around the same age.

Kelly Randis (99:23)

So, like, I'm just now getting to the part of being a parent and a mom where I can start having those really important conversations with her that are not generalized. This is how you protect your body, and this is what we do with ourselves. And I'm gonna have to start telling her and them my story, and I don't want them to look back on me and think that I let. That I let bad things direct, where my life was going to go, because that's not fair to me. And it's not fair to anybody who's in this position that has experienced those types of things. And I want them to know that you can do really hard things and really bad things can happen to you. And it doesn't define you and it doesn't impact the way you treat people, and it doesn't impact the way that you put yourself out into the world to make things better than where you left it. It has to be better than the way you left it, because then otherwise, what's the point?

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (100:25)

This is about to be a morbid question, and I don't mean to be morbid. It's just like finding out the type of cancer that you have and what that could mean or even in, you know, the, the idea that you might not be the one to tell your, your kids your story. How do you not let that affect your everyday life moving forward? Like, I don't know that I would be strong enough to walk into some, you know, an interview and have this, like, big personality and be so excited and just have the energy to write a book or come on a podcast at all. Right. Like, how do you not let it eat at you every day? Day.

Kelly Randis (101:05)

The beautiful thing about the way I live my life now is that every day that I get that I'm allowed to wake up and be with my kids or be in this world still. Because I shouldn't have been. Not with that diagnosis, not with the treatment that I went through, not with any of it. It's such a cliche thing to say. Every day is a gift. When you've had cancer and you've been through treatment, you hear things that people don't hear. Birds sound louder. It's very weird. Crickets sound louder. You look at trees differently. You look at your children differently. You look at textiles in your hands. When you're holding your kids clothes or you're folding their laundry, it just feels. Everything feels more purposeful and different in a way that you don't want to waste it and you don't want to live a life that isn't fully yours. You have to be so intentional with every minute of every day. Like, you know, I'm here with you and I'm having this conversation and, and it is very intentional. And it's. It's as much as advocacy work as it is leaving my footprint with somebody that isn't just me being the one to tell it. Like you're going to tell it and they're going to watch us at some point and it's going to be out there. For other people to consume. And you just have to. I think that you and I, and sorry if I'm speaking out of place and please correct me if I'm wrong, but I do feel like you and I. I always related to you the most. And the first. The first time that I ever, like, knew about you was from Teen mom too. And I. I immediately was drawn to you as a person because I understood the life that you had come from, the life that you were trying to build for yourself. And I think that when you come from the kind of life where you are not allowed to have a fallback person because you're it, you don't have the luxury of falling apart. And I feel that I've learned that at this point in my life, it's hard for people to look at me. And I do feel, and I do understand when people say, I don't know how you're talking about this not being a mess and I don't know how you can get through this. It is just so important to me that people know it. And I don't have the luxury of dwelling in the bad because I want to do too much good in that place.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (103:33)

Yeah. You know, I mean, I don't. I. I'm kind of speechless at this point. I don't have any other questions for you.

Kelly Randis (103:41)

A question that you didn't ask that I kind of want to bring up is people always ask me, are you going to write a sequel?

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (103:46)

Yeah.

Kelly Randis (103:47)

Or are you going to write another one?

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (103:48)

One.

Kelly Randis (103:49)

And I think given the fact that I was diagnosed with cancer and that I have this kind of world that happened after that one ended up until the point that I had cancer, I've been kind of tandem writing both of them to see which one feels the way that I should go and, like, which book I should come out with next. I'm gonna write a Spilled Milk too. I think it's time to talk about the things that happen between me starting my life with my husband and, like, being happy and getting diagnosed with cancer. And there is just so much that happened with my mom.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (104:25)

Yeah.

Kelly Randis (104:25)

And her dying.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (104:27)

Yeah.

Kelly Randis (104:28)

That I think still needs to kind

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (104:31)

of be told, everyone, go order Spilled Milk. Where can people buy your books?

Kelly Randis (104:35)

Kaylrindis.com is where you can buy. If you want an autograph book. I can autograph it. And it comes directly from my website. Website. My girls actually help package the books. So they love doing it. So if you want to order it with a signed copy or you can get it anywhere else, like Amazon, Barnes and Noble. It's kind of just kind of everywhere.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (104:49)

Also, where can people find you on social media?

Kelly Randis (104:52)

I'm on all social media on Tik tok Instagram. It's KL Randis. It's K Randis. That's like my. My tag and my handle and everything.

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (104:58)

So perfect. Thank you so much for being here.

Kelly Randis (105:00)

Thank you for having me. I'm sorry I made you cry so much,

Kale (Host of Barely Famous Podcast) (105:06)

Sam. Foreign. Okay, guys, we're back. You asked for it. And we're delivering. Killer is going on tour. We're super excited for the fatherless behavior tour. 23 cities, three countries, all in one summer. And you guys can check out tour dates and see if we're coming to a city near you on killlowry.com and if you want early access to information and announcements, head over to Patreon because you might get it before everyone else.

Kelly Randis (106:05)

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