The Friend Who Became Family With Emily Fortner

Summary

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Barely Famous with Kail Lowry

Episode: The Friend Became Family With Emily Fortner

Release Date: February 6, 2026
Guests: Emily Fortner (Friend, former kindergarten teacher, special education case manager)
Host: Kail Lowry

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Episode Overview

In this heartfelt, candid episode, Kail sits down with her longtime best friend, Emily Fortner, for a deep dive into their friendship, life as single moms, and the realities of teaching. They reflect on how their bond began, the challenges Emily faces as a teacher and single parent, the emotional labor of both roles, and offer raw perspectives on motherhood, boundaries, friendship, and navigating life in the public eye.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Origin of Kail & Emily’s Friendship

• Met when Emily was Lincoln’s kindergarten teacher, around seven years ago ([01:47]).
• Emily knew of Kail from Teen Mom and her older son having attended the school ([02:15]).
• Their friendship developed naturally, sparked by personal life struggles and similarities ([03:05]).

Memorable moment:

"We were sharing. We got really personal really quick. I think we just really connected." – Emily, [03:03]

• Their kids became “literal besties,” leading to a family-like bond where both families spend holidays together ([04:41], [05:08]).

2. Emily’s Teaching Career & Evolving Roles

• Emily started as a kindergarten teacher, then moved to special education at various levels ([05:36]–[07:26], [09:18], [10:05]).
• She currently works as a special education case manager for high school students, supporting kids with IEPs and emotional/learning disabilities ([05:36]).
• Describes the exhaustion of teaching all day and coming home to parent as a single mom ([06:26]), underlining the lack of understanding among people (especially men) about the “mental and emotional load” involved ([07:22], [14:12]).

Quote:

"My job doesn't require a lot of physical work, but it's very taxing mentally and emotionally." – Emily, [07:22]

3. Single Motherhood: Challenges & Survival

• Emily has been a single mom for nearly the entirety of their friendship ([06:20]).
• Discusses the mental load and “never-ending” demands of parenting as the default parent without support ([08:42], [10:05]).

Quote:

"If I don't do it, who will? ...I just have to keep going." – Emily, [10:05]

• Kail commiserates, noting the combination of being a parent, teacher, and managing the household is harder than any physical job ([07:26]–[08:12]).

4. The Hidden Emotional Toll of Teaching

• Emily talks about the emotional exhaustiveness of being responsible for students who come with their own traumas and hardships ([15:10]–[16:32]).
• She often feels like a counselor and is deeply affected by students’ struggles at home, fostering relationships but knowing her support is limited ([15:10]–[18:33]).

Quote:

“There are days where I come home after hearing stories about my students … and it’s hard. … You just hope that they come back tomorrow.” – Emily, [15:10]

• Kail shares her own experience of surviving high school with only one trusted adult and reflects on the long-term impact teachers can have ([16:56]–[18:06]).

5. Student-Teacher Relationships & Boundaries

• The blurred line between supporting students and the legal/professional boundaries teachers must maintain ([21:03]–[23:13]).
• Mandated reporting and how teachers can help or connect with families in need, but also the limitations and risks ([21:28]–[23:13]).
• Both discuss the lasting influence of these connections (Emily stays in touch with former students some 17 years later, helping shape their lives, e.g. "Johnny’s" story, [18:33]–[20:54]).

Memorable moment:

“He was tough... He is a business owner now. He owns a gutter company. And he still reaches out to me... You meant so much to me. Thank you so much.” – Emily, [19:57]

6. Reality of Teacher Pay & Having to Take Side Gigs

• Emily, despite having two master’s degrees, had to bartend and work additional jobs to provide for her family ([32:12]–[34:37]).
• Both critique the persistent underpayment of teachers, forcing many to leave or seek higher-paid but less family-compatible positions ([34:10]–[35:55], [38:11]–[39:46]).

Quote:

"It's rough... At the time I had two in daycare, I'm a single mom, no financial support. So I did have to take on a second job to be able to survive." – Emily, [32:56]

7. Parenting Logistics and Professional Trade-Offs

• They discuss the impossible calculus single parents must do when considering higher-paying jobs but facing increased childcare/commute/logistical costs ([38:11]–[40:24]).
• Both stress the importance of being present for their kids, even at financial cost.
• Kail: “At the point that you would be using your additional funds at another job to put them back in daycare, it’s no longer worth it.” ([39:46])

8. On Friendships & Authenticity

• A segment inspired by listener questions explores why Kail and Emily’s friendship has endured while others have not ([42:42]–[47:13]).
• Emily credits the genuine, organic nature of their bond, lack of ulterior motives, and good communication ([45:04]–[47:15]).

Quote:

"It's never really been...like business, and I really consider you like my sister, basically." – Emily, [46:54]

• Humorous riff on the “spy/flunky” rumors and their intertwined family life ([46:25]–[47:13]).

9. Dating as a Single Mom: Boundaries, Misconceptions, Growth

• Emily and Kail discuss their differing approaches to introducing partners to children; Emily is highly protective, while Kail has embraced a more expedited, realistic approach ([52:33]–[55:01]).
• Non-negotiables in dating now include: partner must have their own place, steady job, active involvement with their own children, and no longer make excuses for others' red flags ([57:34]–[58:44]).
• Both reflect on therapy, self-awareness, and learning to enforce boundaries – in parenting, relationships, and self-care ([59:45]–[61:47]).

10. Parenting Guilt & Mental Load

• Emotional conversation about making time for oneself vs. guilt about not “doing enough” with kids ([63:58]–[65:45]).
• Reassurances and reminders that “you cannot pour from an empty cup.” ([64:13])
• Kail voices fears about what her kids will remember, and Emily offers comfort that children cherish many everyday moments ([65:29]–[66:13]).

11. Rapid Fire: Light-Hearted Closing Questions

• The episode closes with a rapid-fire segment about personal preferences and parenting quirks (coffee vs. ghost, target vs. Amazon, quiet night vs. spontaneous plans, etc.) ([62:08]–[67:45]).
• Kail and Emily also text their kids in real time to see how they'd each describe their mom in one word, leading to laughs over answers like “interesting” and “medicated” ([72:31]–[73:13]).

12. Parting Advice for Single Moms

“Keep going... There’s days where it is tough to even pull yourself out of bed...you’re just tired...But the days can be really, really long, but the years are really short, and someday, we’re gonna miss it.” – Emily, [70:17]–[72:07]

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Notable Quotes & Moments with Timestamps

• On the friendship’s spark:
  “We were sharing. We got really personal really quick. I think we just really connected.” – Emily, [03:03]

• On the mental/emotional load of teaching & motherhood:
  “My job doesn’t require a lot of physical work, but it’s very taxing mentally and emotionally.” – Emily, [07:22]

• On society underestimating the work of moms/teachers:
  “There’s no other job... harder than the mental load of full time single parenthood after a 9 to 5.” – Kail, [07:26]

• Story about lasting teacher-student connections:
  “He was tough...He is a business owner now. He owns a gutter company. And he still reaches out to me...You meant so much to me. Thank you so much.” – Emily, [19:57]

• On their unbreakable friendship:
  "It's never really been...like business, and I really consider you like my sister, basically." – Emily, [46:54]

• On dating boundaries:
  “If you do not spend time with your own children, bye. If you do not have a steady job...bye.” – Emily, [58:24]

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Important Timestamps by Segment

• [01:47–05:14] – How their friendship evolved, how their kids bonded
• [06:26–13:17] – Single mom life, teaching burnout, emotional exhaustion
• [15:10–18:33] – The emotional toll of teaching, relating to students in trauma
• [18:33–20:54] – Making an impact: Staying in touch with students over the years
• [32:12–35:55] – Teacher pay crisis and juggling additional work
• [38:11–40:24] – Weighing higher pay with the cost to family logistics
• [42:42–47:15] – How their friendship survived “Teen Mom” fame and rumors
• [52:33–59:45] – Dating: boundaries, single mom misconceptions, growth
• [63:58–66:13] – Parenting guilt, balancing me-time and “mom-time”
• [72:07–73:13] – One-word descriptions from their kids, advice to single moms

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Where to Find Emily

• Instagram: @EmilyRay27
• Bookstagram: @EmilyRayReads
• Facebook: Emily Fortner

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Summary for Non-Listeners

This episode offers an unvarnished look at the real-life struggles and joys of single motherhood, the taxing reality of being a teacher today, and the rare value of authentic, drama-free friendship. Kail and Emily pour honesty, wit, and mutual support into their discussion, making it a thoughtful, relatable listen—especially for single moms, teachers, and anyone who’s wrestled with the guilt-trap of “doing enough.” The laughter, vulnerability, and lived experience shine through, leaving the listener with reassurance, camaraderie, and plenty to ponder about boundaries, self-worth, and the small moments that mean the most.

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Transcript

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[Kayla]

Welcome to the show. Things are going to get weird. It's your fave villain, Kayla, and you're listening to Barely Famous. Welcome back to another episode of Barely Famous Podcast. Super excited to be here with one of my best friends, Emily Portner. Hi. So I really wanted to do this episode and kind of just like sprung it on Emily because I know that you guys all see see her on my socials, on book club, on Patreon and at our kids sports. Our kids go to school together. And so I kind of wanted to just like run it back for everyone because Emily wasn't on Teen mom. Like some of my other friends were on Teen Mom. So you kind of know who they were. You followed them. And Emily didn't get the chance. So we first became friends when Lincoln was in kindergarten.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah.

[Kayla]

So Lincoln's 12 now. So we've been friends for like six, seven years. Yeah, seven years. That's a long time.

[Emily Portner]

It is a long time.

[Kayla]

And you were his kindergarten teacher. Obviously, since then you have changed not careers, but positions.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah, several times.

[Kayla]

Yeah. So, okay, let's start with starting back in the beginning.

[Emily Portner]

Okay.

[Kayla]

When you found out Lincoln was in your class, what first? Did you know who he was? Did you know who I was?

[Emily Portner]

Yes.

[Kayla]

Okay. And what would. What went through your head?

[Emily Portner]

Well, I, I used to watch the show, so I knew instantly who he was. And I remember thinking like, okay, I, I can't be a crazy person. Like, I remember other staff members being like, oh my gosh, her kids come to our school. And Isaac already had come to the school years previous. So I already knew that you had, you know, one son there and so when I saw I had LinkedIn, I was like, okay. Like, I didn't even really try to make a connection with you, to be honest.

[Kayla]

Like, it was actually upset about it because we would text and you'd be like, all right, have a good night. And I'm like, I wasn't done talking.

[Emily Portner]

I know. I felt like it kind of just genuinely happened. I don't even remember. I remember you came in to the classroom for something, and we kind of were talking because I had had Nova and I have three boys and then a girl. Yeah.

[Kayla]

I had no conversation whatsoever.

[Emily Portner]

And so I don't remember. Like, I wish I remember why we started talking, but I do remember, like, the first time we talked on the phone, and we. We were sharing. We got really personal really quick. I think we just really connected.

[Kayla]

Very. In my nature as well.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah, I think we connected on a lot of things. We had a lot of similarities. I was going through some things at that time, so I remember talking to you, and I was like, okay, well, have a good night. And that's when you were like, wait, what? Okay. You were like, okay. And then you told me later, like, I wanted to keep talking.

[Kayla]

I didn't have any. Like, I'm trying to think back to that time. I had friends, but I didn't have mom friends. And I was struggling, so I was, like, really trying to figure out, like, who aren't we? I got divorced. I had two kids with Chris. Was about to have two kids with Chris. So I think I was trying to find people to connect to. And so naturally, I was like, this makes sense, because you were going through some stuff. You had kids. You had. You finally had a girl. Okay, it's starting to ring a bell now.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah, it's crazy. It feels like it wasn't that long ago, but it was like. I don't know. It's weird. It's hard to believe it was that long ago.

[Kayla]

Yeah. Because I remember, like, you coming to my house in Middletown and, like, Nova holding Creed. Like, I remember that, but I was born.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah.

[Kayla]

That's so crazy.

[Emily Portner]

Yep.

[Kayla]

So we just got close over the. Like, Lincoln in kindergarten.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah. We just connected really quickly off. Like, right off the bat, we just had a connection. And I came over and hung out with the kids, and then our boys became besties. Lux and Ash became besties. And we're talking. They were, like, in diapers, running around. Nova was in diaper, and they became literal besties.

[Kayla]

Like, y' all have been to every house. I. Well, except for the first One. Every house I've lived in in Delaware. And Nash and. And Lux have been. They call each other cousins.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah.

[Kayla]

And they. They also fight, like cousins. And brothers.

[Emily Portner]

And brothers. Yeah. For sure.

[Kayla]

It's just so crazy because I'm like. I can't picture you not being in my life and, like, your kids not being. Because, like, we just celebrated Thanksgiving together. And so, like, it would be so weird if we didn't. Yeah. I don't know.

[Emily Portner]

It's like, it's hard to remember before.

[Kayla]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's more so what I'm trying to say.

[Emily Portner]

It kind of. I don't know. I feel like it just. All of a sudden, we just clicked, and then it was, like, snowballed. Yeah.

[Kayla]

So if you guys have seen Emily on my socials now, you know, when we became friends, where we became friends and you're still a teacher, would you say.

[Emily Portner]

I am still considered a teacher? My specific role is called a special education case manager.

[Kayla]

Okay.

[Emily Portner]

So I am no longer the classroom. I provide support to students at the high school level, kids that are, well, kids, slash, almost adults that do have IEPs, and most of the kids on my caseload require, like, some supports for their behavior. So previously, when I was teaching, I was teaching students with. Most recently, when I was still in the classroom, I was teaching students with autism and intellectual disabilities. Pretty severe needs. These students that I work with now do not have severe disabilities the way that the students that I worked with previously do. Okay. They. A lot of them have either learning disabilities or emotional disabilities.

[Kayla]

When we first met, you were going through some stuff, and pretty much the entire duration of our friendship, you've been a single mom.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah.

[Kayla]

What has that been like for you? Being a teacher and being around kids all day and then having to come home and be a single mom, it's exhausting.

[Emily Portner]

It. It's really difficult. It was difficult before I was a single mom. The emotional exhaustion that comes with teaching is real. Like, people don't understand. I have friends, and I get mad because specifically male friends of mine that'll make comments about, like, well, you have summers off and, you know, you don't work hard. Actually, one of my male friends recently mentioned that I don't understand he has a physical job and works long hours, and I don't understand his level of exhaustion because my job is easy. And that really is a comment that sets me off because while my job doesn't require a lot of physical.

[Kayla]

Work.

[Emily Portner]

It'S very taxing mentally and emotionally.

[Kayla]

The mental load of children in general, whether you are a nanny, a parent, a teacher, a pediatrician. I would imagine there is no. I'm sorry, but I've worked physical jobs and I've worked jobs that are not physical and I've been a, a single mom. There's no other job. You could not name a physical job that is harder than the mental load of a full time single parenthood position after a 9 to 5, essentially, or a 7 to 3 or whatever. Summers are not. Your summers don't get breaks because your summers are filled with your own children. Correct. And you have children from the same way I do. You have them from high school all the way down to elementary school. So you can't compete where you don't compare.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah.

[Kayla]

And your friend saying that I could literally just punch you in the face. Who was it?

[Emily Portner]

It's exhausting when you, when you're dealing with kids all day and then immediately like, I don't, I don't get a breaking point. Like, my kids, I wake them up in the morning, they're with me, they catch the bus or come to my school, Two of my kids come to my school, the other two catch a bus from my school. And then I leave school, pick them up from school, and immediately go from teacher mode to mom mode.

[Kayla]

But previously you were a kindergarten teacher and you had toddlers.

[Emily Portner]

And that was honestly one of the main reasons I left kindergarten after 13 years. Because my kids, my youngest 2, were I like 2 and 3 years old when I stopped teaching kindergarten because I would teach all day five and six year olds and then go home to kids that were roughly the same age and had a lot of the same level of needs. So it was, it was really exhausting. And I came home with no patience left for my own kids. So I did leave teaching kindergarten at that point and went to the high school level.

[Kayla]

No, you went to the special needs intermediate school.

[Emily Portner]

First I went to special needs at the high school.

[Kayla]

Okay.

[Emily Portner]

And then I went back down to intermediate. I feel like the high school level.

[Kayla]

The high school level from the outside and obviously correct me if I'm wrong, seems to be the least challenging in terms of how needy the kids in kindergarten or special needs, which obviously is no fault to their own. Right. But in terms of your level of patience and burnout when you get home to your own kids, I would imagine that special needs intermediate and kindergarten was probably the hardest.

[Emily Portner]

The hardest.

[Kayla]

Obviously your two youngest are significantly older now, so maybe you might have a different perspective about kindergarten. But like, I don't know how you did it. I Don't know how because it's not like you had one child or two children. You had four.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah, yeah. It, I mean, you just don't, you don't have a choice. You just do it, right? Like, I, if I don't do it, who will? And I think that's like the mentality of any single parent. If I don't do it, who's going to do it? Like, I don't have a choice. I just have to, to keep going. I do think that the high school level is less physical. I mean, with kindergarten, I was sitting on the floor, I was standing up, I was moving around. I'm, you know, helping, chasing after chasing them. Tying shoes, zipping zippers. Like all the things, high school students surprisingly aren't much different in some ways. I just had a conversation with Jerry actually at pickup today.

[Kayla]

Oh, I miss him. Hey, Jerry.

[Emily Portner]

About kids, because his wife works at the school too. And he was saying, she mentioned, like, it's really no different. They're the same. It's just like they just got bigger. So are you serious? Their own zippers and tie, their own shoes.

[Kayla]

But they're still needy.

[Emily Portner]

They're still needy.

[Kayla]

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[Emily Portner]

The longer you're writing your story, the more details derail your draft. That's exactly why Nevellium exists. Novellium is not another AI tool trying to take over your voice. It's like having a story editor sitting beside you, helping you catch problems you would miss on your own. Plot holes, pacing issues, timeline mistakes, even character logic slips. Your words stay untouched and in your control while your book gets closer to finished. Get your first month free at Novellium. So with code podcast that's N O V E L I U m So I saw a thing one time that said something about teachers. The number of decisions that a teacher has to make through one school day. So like in the moment, you know those split second decisions you have to make. Like I don't know how they figured it out, but something about teachers making some grand number of decisions, split, split second decisions throughout the day and, and the mental exhaustion that that takes on you. It's crazy.

[Kayla]

Your male friend doesn't know that? No, your male friend can't understand that because it's the mental load. It's always the mental load behind all of the things. Right? And I know.

[Emily Portner]

And that wears you out physically too.

[Kayla]

When this airs, you know it'll be after Christmas. But like there's posts going around right now about how the husbands don't know what the kids are Getting for Christmas. And it's like, yeah, it's all fun and games and it's funny. He, he, ha ha. Until you realize the amount of the mental toll that that took on mom. Yeah. And where's her stocking? Is it filled? Or if it is, she filled it herself.

[Emily Portner]

Exactly.

[Kayla]

So, like, it's the little thing. And dads will be like, oh, that's not that big of a deal. But when you're doing it all day, every single day, and it's multiple decisions and it's multiple mental loads and it's, well, okay, they have sports. Yeah, dad can pick them up and take them to sports. But what about the mental load about their uniforms, their cleats, their. Did their homework get done? Will they have to do it afterwards? Did they eat before they went? Did they eat when they get back? Yeah. What about showers? Like, how does that work? And the. I feel like men specifically cannot wrap their head around that.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah, I agree. I think there probably are some. I do know some of my. A few of my friends have husbands that are involved with those types of things, but I think it's fair to say in general, most. Most of that falls on moms, regardless of whether you're a single mom or not. And most men don't understand. But also, I was going to mention with teaching, the emotional toll. I posted about it on Facebook one day. People don't understand the emotional toll that teaching takes on. On. On teachers, like how it affects us. So I. We see students all the time that are going through some really heavy things, like outside of school and in the role I'm in specifically now, I kind of feel like a counselor in some ways with my students. They like to talk to me about things that are going on outside of school because it obviously affects them in school. And there are days where I come home after hearing stories about my students, like what they're going through at home and what they did the night before. And it's hard. It's really hard because, you know, you want to help the kids. And we can only do so much and love them and protect them and care for them while they're at school. And then once they go home, you're just hoping that they come back tomorrow.

[Kayla]

And I don't know why that makes me so emotional, but it does. You had. It's not even my job. We have a group chat with some of the book club girlies, and you were talking about a specific. You didn't say her name, obviously, for privacy reasons, but you were talking about how It. You know, what she's going through out of school is affecting you out of school.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah.

[Kayla]

I can't imagine what that was like, what that would be like. I know when I was going through some dark stuff in high school as a freshman, I. I rebelled a lot. So I was always out of school or in suspension, no matter what. I ended up getting kicked out of school because I. I had nobody, no adult in or out of school. At freshman year, specifically eighth grade and freshman year, I had no adult that had my back. And then I moved schools, and I connected with a teacher, and obviously, looking back, like, I recognize he couldn't do anything more than he was already doing, because you can't, as a teacher, cross that line. But surely he knew, because he had children of his own, that what I was going through was not normal. It wasn't right. It wasn't okay. But there was literally nothing he can do about it. I'm friends with him on Facebook now, and I hope that it brings him some comfort that I'm okay. But I think about him still. And I'm 33, so, like, the little connections that you have with the students, especially during school, they're gonna look back and they're gonna be like, that teacher had my back.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah.

[Kayla]

So, I mean, there has to be some reward in that. But I can't imagine during, you know, the experience or having the kid or if you have them all four years. I don't know. Do you have kids that, like, from freshman year all the way to senior.

[Emily Portner]

I have kids that I will.

[Kayla]

That has to be even harder because then you're like, okay, well, what am I gonna. How am I gonna keep up with her or him and know that she's okay all summer? Yeah. Or long weekends or breaks or whatever. So, like. And then you're thinking about them at home when you have to handle your own kids.

[Emily Portner]

So I think about it all the time, like, am I going to see them when we get back from Christmas break? Are they okay? And I make really good connections, for the most part, with families, so I do try to stay in contact and check up on students, but it is hard, and you do think about stuff. And obviously, there was nothing I could do to protect that child from this experience over break. But, you know, it is very heartbreaking. But there are those rewarding moments, like you were talking about. I. This is my 18th year teaching. My first year teaching. I taught fourth grade. So those students were 10. We're talking 17 years later. So they're like, 27. Right. One I think about one student in particular. Johnny. I'll shout him out because he's an adult. He. I met him my first year teaching. He had a lot of challenges, challenging behaviors, and we connected right away. His parents, you know, I connected with them. I would consider them like a family friend. We followed up, continue to stay in contact. I had his younger sister the year after. Unfortunately, his mom passed away a few years ago. She was a lovely woman. She used to even still, like, write me letters years later.

[Kayla]

Is my period coming? What's going on?

[Emily Portner]

She was there.

[Kayla]

Dust in my eye. I don't know where this story's going.

[Emily Portner]

So when I was teaching kindergarten and, you know, Johnny was getting older and in high school, she would still write me and say, you know, he wishes that you could be his teacher. Every year, he still talks about you. When he was old enough, he friended me on Facebook, so we stay in contact. And his wife. This is crazy small town. His wife ended up working at the daycare where Nasha Nova went when they were toddlers. So that was an interesting connection. So they're married. They have two kids now. And like I said, he. He was tough when he had some challenges, he had some behaviors, but he is a business owner now. He owns a gutter company. He's thriving. So. And he still reaches out to me and, you know, anytime there's someone Facebook, like, tag your favorite teacher. Like, he'll tag me. And every once in a while, like, you know, you meant so much to me. Thank you so much. So there are students that you do have that kind of impact on, and it is.

[Kayla]

And vice versa. It sounds like. It sounds like students can have the same impact on.

[Emily Portner]

Oh, absolutely.

[Kayla]

The adult, the teacher.

[Emily Portner]

Absolutely.

[Kayla]

When you become a teacher, do you have to sign some kind of, like, code of conduct that you won't like? So we have obviously, like, there's inappropriate relationships.

[Emily Portner]

We have a contract, and, you know, it does specify certain things that, you know, we're not allowed to do.

[Kayla]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Emily Portner]

So I don't know that I, like, physically signed it, but you are agreeing, right?

[Kayla]

Right.

[Emily Portner]

Track. When you.

[Kayla]

And I'm not saying that you did that. What I'm asking. Because when you know that someone is facing challenges. But. And in Delaware, all teachers are mandated reporters, so you. You have to report abuse or if someone's in danger. In danger. Oh, yeah. But if they're. If they're not in danger, but, you know, they're facing challenges and you want to be there for them, where's the line for, like, the Teacher, human aspect. It can be ambiguous.

[Emily Portner]

Like they can, it can be. Yeah. I mean, I think that there's not a lot you can do outside of school. We have resources in school, people, you know, if you have students that you know are probably going home and don't have food, we have connections with like the food bank and things like that. If obviously if there's abuse or neglect that we are suspicious of. I have had to make reports before and, and hope that DFS follows through with that. But there is a line and it's just like you also kind of have to know the family. Like sometimes families are open to help. You know, some reach out for help. Some, you know, I don't know if maybe sometimes pride gets in the way and they don't want to, to accept help. So you just have to kind of be really careful because you don't want to offend anybody, but you want to be supportive. So for me, I found what works best is kind of creating the relationship with the family, if possible, and just kind of seeing if there's, if you, if you make a connection, if there's anything you can do to support. Because it just really depends on the situation how much you can really get involved outside of the school building.

[Kayla]

None of my teachers all the way up until high school ever made a connection with me or my family or my mom. I can't think of one single teacher outside of the one from high school that I just really connected with. And my mom trained me to never let anyone know.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah.

[Kayla]

So if something happened that was my mom would frequently come into the school to pick me up. Up either intoxicated, drunk, whatever, high. And it was, you lie for me. And it was, you know, did anyone come talk to you? And if they do, this is what you say, yeah, and you know, we're not gonna get the free lunch, you're gonna starve kind of deal. So it was like that. And so I just worry about the kids that don't find the connection in a teacher because I mean, every child deserves at least one adult that they can open up to. And I just feel like, like that's got to be challenging for the teacher as well because it's like, then you again, take it home. If you've been stuck on a six month wait list for a psychiatrist or you're bouncing between online mental health sites trying to find medication support, Tochiatry was built for you. It's virtual psychiatry that actually fits your life and your insurance. So if your anxiety, depression or ADHD are more than A rough patch you don't need just another meditation app. Tochiatry makes it easy to see a psychiatrist online using your insurance in just days. Their acute therapy can help, but sometimes it's not the whole answer, and I can attest to that. So talk I tree gives you access to real psychiatric care with licensed clinicians who can diagnose and prescribe medication if it's right for you. It's a simple way to get effective treatment right from home. And you don't have to drive anywhere, which is kind of amazing. Psychiatry is a 100% online psychiatry practice that provides comprehensive evaluations, diagnoses, and ongoing medication management for conditions like adhd, anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, ocd, ptsd, insomnia, and more. And unfortunately, I have a lot of these. Getting started with talkiatry just takes a few minutes. You complete a short online assessment, get matched with clinicians who fit your needs, and schedule your first visit in days, not months. And I will tell you that it took me months to get in. So I highly recommend this. Head to talky at REUS and complete the short assessment to get matched with an in network psychiatrist in just a few minutes. That's talkiatry.com famous to get matched in minutes.

[Emily Portner]

I have had experiences where you can almost tell that kids have been trained to, like, not answer any questions about home.

[Kayla]

Oh, really?

[Emily Portner]

Yeah. And as a teacher, even when there's like, protocol for when you suspect abuse or neglect, like, we're not really supposed to, like, speculate, interrogate students. So I think when. When you have a student every single day in your classroom, connections just naturally happen, especially, well, all levels, really. But I think more so. Like, when I was in kindergarten, I think about that a lot. Like, I spent more time out of my day with these children than I did with my own children or their parents did with them. You know what I mean? I literally had them Monday through Friday for the majority of their waking hours. So it is very natural to develop the connection and kind of get to know them. I always pride myself on that. Anyway, I don't know that all teachers necessarily do it. I think there's a level of it kind of happens and develops, but there's also people that put a little bit more effort into it. And I always prided myself in the effort I put into knowing my students individually. So I could tell usually, like, if they were in a bad mood or if something had happened at home just based on their demeanor when they came in the door or, like, you know, I always tried to get to know Their interests and. And what made them happy. And that kind of naturally builds that connection, and then they feel really comfortable. Kindergartners in general are comfortable pretty much telling anybody anything.

[Kayla]

Did Lincoln ever come into class and tell you any of my business?

[Emily Portner]

I'm sure he did. I can't think of anything off the top of my head, but they usually.

[Kayla]

I do it to myself.

[Emily Portner]

Kids will. Yeah, you do. Yeah, they do. They're comfortable telling pretty much everything. So if you think that your kid is not going to school and telling your business, you're. You're wrong, because they are.

[Kayla]

I would literally kindergarten, have all my.

[Emily Portner]

Kids on the carpet, be reading a story, and a kid would be like, my mom farted this morning. And you're like, whoa, wait, no, that. Can I get back to the story now? Like, they will literally tell you anything. Does anybody have a question? Yeah. So I was with my cousin, and like. Like, they just. They'll tell you anything and everything.

[Kayla]

That's crazy. Okay, so what do you. Now that you have two high school students as your own children and you work at the high school, has that been weird for you, having your kids at school? Do you like it? Do you love it? Did they like it?

[Emily Portner]

Surprisingly, they. They like it.

[Kayla]

Yeah.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah. So my oldest two went to elementary school where I worked when I taught the elementary school. And I got the luxury of watching them go through K to 4, which was really nice. And then been several years, we haven't been in the same school. I went back to teaching high school when my oldest son was a freshman, and at first I think he was a little bit. I thought he was going to be a little bit hesitant, but he was actually really excited. I left the high school for about almost two school years, and he actually was, like, begging me to come back.

[Kayla]

Are you serious?

[Emily Portner]

Yeah, he really liked having me there. So then this year, my second oldest is a freshman, so I have a freshman and a senior, and I think they both really enjoy it. You know, they get to come to me, hey, can I have a snack? Like, can you get me a soda from the vending machine? So I think I'm more so there. They like just having me there.

[Kayla]

Yeah.

[Emily Portner]

Just because, you know, they get privileges.

[Kayla]

That's kind of cool, though.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah. I thought that they would be embarrassed or whatever, but they're not. Today I walked around in an inflatable gingerbread costume all day.

[Kayla]

Oh, that's a nice touch.

[Emily Portner]

My. My freshman was late to class.

[Kayla]

Okay.

[Emily Portner]

So I hooked him arm in arm and walked him to class in A gingerbread costume.

[Kayla]

I bet he loved that.

[Emily Portner]

So, you know, just out here embarrassing the kids.

[Kayla]

I mean, honestly, they'll. They'll remember that forever, so it's kind of nice.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah.

[Kayla]

But I don't know if I would want my mom. I definitely would want Susie, but if I had a good mom, I'd want her to be at my school. I'd get. I would love the privileges. I wouldn't want Susie to show up to my school at all. You know what I mean?

[Emily Portner]

I think when I. I don't think if, like, when I was in high school, I don't think I would want my parents working there either.

[Kayla]

But, I mean, my mom was always very pretty and, like, cool when she's sober, but, like, she'd probably show up to teach these kids up. I don't know. That might be a fun experiment.

[Emily Portner]

Teachers are human.

[Kayla]

They are, but you just don't think about, like, when we were. I think I was so sheltered in some ways because I didn't have a computer. I didn't get a cell phone until I was 16. So, like, any, like, tea or drama with teachers? It was kind of like that one scene in Mean Girls where it's like. It's like seeing a teacher on their hind legs. Isn't that. What, outside of school or. I don't know, something like that. I remember seeing my sixth grade math teacher, Mr. Capone, at a gas station outside of school, and I was just like, this is weird. I'm like, you're a animal in a cage, at a museum or at a zoo. Like, it was so weird. But now with social media, you see your teachers everywhere.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah.

[Kayla]

The amount of times I've been with you in public and former students come up to you, I'm like, I. You couldn't convince me to do that to one of my kids, one of my teachers growing up. But I also was never close with them either, so I feel like it might be different.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah, it's definitely. It's a weird experience when you're. I mean, I'm sure you can relate to being in public and then being like, oh, it's kale.

[Kayla]

Like, and it's like, I just. My pants don't come up to me.

[Emily Portner]

Small town. It's like, oh, hey, Ms. Fortner, there's my teacher. And I'm like, oh, gosh. Like, I'm in Walmart in sweatpants. Like, yeah. You know, but it. It has changed a. Over the years, I think. And maybe social media is to. Not to blame, but I don't Know has something to do with it. It's definitely a weird experience because I remember as a kid feeling like my teachers, like that is what they did. Like they lived at the school, they didn't have a life.

[Kayla]

You know what I mean?

[Emily Portner]

Like, you're a teacher, you're a teacher. That's what you do. Like you live at the school, you don't have, you don't do anything else. So it is weird now being a teacher and kind of getting that same reaction out of students when they see me places. I actually. So like I said, my oldest group of students are adults. Actually, even my first kindergarten group are now adults. And I'll never forget. So I also bartended as a part time job for several years. And I'll never forget the first time I saw a student at the bar.

[Kayla]

Wait, oh my God, did you tell me this?

[Emily Portner]

I don't know, but I literally was like, wait, there's absolutely no way.

[Kayla]

That's crazy.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah. So that was a very humbling experience to see a student at the bar.

[Kayla]

Some ways you're like, this is really cool. But in other ways you're probably like, this ages me.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah, I was like, oh my gosh.

[Kayla]

Can we talk about the fact that you had to bartend while you've been a teacher and you have two master's degrees?

[Emily Portner]

Yeah.

[Kayla]

Obviously I'm not here to. On the school district because my kids go to that school district. But it is really, really upsetting when, as your friend, I see you with your four kids and then you're also teaching, you have two master's degrees and then you are bartending on the side and you work, work for killer sometimes.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah.

[Kayla]

So it's like, it's upsetting for me because what the. Yeah, like, and it's no one person's fault, but it is, I can imagine, really draining because you're like, okay, now I have the weekends, but I have to go bartend.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah, it is definitely. It's been a challenge. You know, thinking about teaching was always my passion. Always what I wanted do to. Wanted always what I wanted to do. Like I was in kindergarten dreaming of being a kindergarten teacher. And my, my path never really changed. But teaching is such an underpaid profession. And that's not just a local issue, that's a nationwide issue. It's. It's rough. And I did have, I did not did. I do have four kids, but at the time I had two in daycare. You know, I'm a single mom, no financial support. So I did have to take on A second job to be able to survive, which ultimately took more time away from my, my kids and myself. And I did just finish my second master's degree. So luckily I am at a place now where I no longer have to work that second job. So I did stop doing that for now because my two, two youngest are no longer in daycare. And then also my pay is high enough now with two masters that I can live off of my paycheck.

[Kayla]

But it's the fact that you had to get a second masters in order to quit the other job, like that's part of the problem because you, the emotional and mental load of going back to school is also well in the debt. And then I was going to say that like surely there was probably some amount of financial aid or no, I mean loans.

[Emily Portner]

So yeah, I have.

[Kayla]

So no. So no financial aid, just loans. So now you have the debt for it.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah.

[Kayla]

And it's like, well, where does this end? Like when it's just a repetitive cycle. And I know that we talked about some teachers, not necessarily in our kids school district or the district that you work, but just in general are leaving teaching students to go teach in prisons because the pay is higher or whatever the case may be, or they're leaving this district to go to the next district because they can offer $20,000 more a year. And it all sounds good in theory, but for your situation specifically, where does that leave your kids? If you leave the district that your kids go to as a single parent and not to put all your business out there, but the dads are not super involved.

[Emily Portner]

No.

[Kayla]

So you don't have the support from them, how would they get to and from school?

[Emily Portner]

Right.

[Kayla]

I guess. If they stayed in the district and you're gone, how can you ensure that they're going to get on the bus? Because that's the bigger problem. Right. Like, you know, not every, not every child is a self starter. Right. Like thank you. Thank Rihanna every single day for Elliot and Lincoln getting up. And Elliot gets on his bus by himself. No help by 6 10. Not all children are like that. No. Lux and Creed could never. Yeah, Lux and Creed will never. They are always going to be my kids that I have to wake up to get them up out of bed. So I would not, if it was me, would not be able to go get a job somewhere else that might pay higher. Yeah. Great. That's awesome. But I don't know if my kid's getting up to go on the bus.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah.

[Kayla]

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[Emily Portner]

That is definitely a real issue because I could leave the district and go to other school districts or as I mentioned before, the prison system and make 10 or $20,000 more a year. But that is the issue. I have four kids that are school. If I go make that extra money, then that means I'm sending my kids.

[Kayla]

Back to daycare for before care, for.

[Emily Portner]

Before care and after care. Because my hours would be different, my, my commute would be longer. So there are benefits that come with working in the school district that your kids attend because I'm there. As I said, they come to school with me, they get on the bus from my, from my school, which I'm super grateful that my district allows me to do, by the way. So there's just those kinds of things that fit my lifestyle right now that there's no way I could even think about other options for those reasons. Also, even if I went to another school district and made $20,000 more a year and maybe could comfortably afford to put them in daycare, that's still an hour. I would have to put them in daycare before school, for an hour, after school, for an hour. If they have school events. I, you know, right now, my school, two of my kids go to my school, two of my kids go to a school that's literally walking distance from the school where I work. If they have a concert in the middle of the day, I'm able to use that as my lunch break, go to their school. I wouldn't be able to do that if I worked an hour away.

[Kayla]

At the point that you would be using your additional funds at another job to put them back in daycare, it's no longer worth it.

[Emily Portner]

Exactly.

[Kayla]

I think that's the same sort of argument of should mom be a stay at home mom for the first five years or should she go to work and pay for daycare? Care for what? At that point you're breaking even.

[Emily Portner]

So you might losing time with your children.

[Kayla]

Right. And so I think that that's also part of the mental load that men don't understand.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah.

[Kayla]

And it's like you don't understand what I'm sacrificing to make this work. And that's not to say that at some point, you know, your youngest might be self starters at some point because Elliot wasn't always this way.

[Emily Portner]

Oh no.

[Kayla]

Elliot was one that I would have to fight to get up out of bed to go to school. Now he's fine, but you know, you could always revisit it later on.

[Emily Portner]

And that's getting up for school is a whole nother issue because three out of my four kids have to be literally drugged out of bed every morning. My youngest Three are nightmares to get out of bed. And it's. I'm exhausted by the time I even leave my house.

[Kayla]

No, I hear you. I mean, specifically my middle children. Lux, not so much, but Creed, I gotta wake him up. He'll get himself dressed, but sometimes it's a fight just to get him out of the house. Like, he's fine. He's up and moving. But he said, I don't want to do this today day.

[Emily Portner]

Mine is getting them out of bed. I go in, I'm trying to get up. I have to go in like four and five times. Like, you have to get up because they'll just.

[Kayla]

Okay.

[Emily Portner]

And then they go right back to sleep. But I did that when I was a teenager. So I'm like, oh, my gosh, Mom, I'm so sorry, because I remember that I was exactly like that.

[Kayla]

But. Well, they say karma doesn't miss so, so bad.

[Emily Portner]

So much more karma in store for me.

[Kayla]

What's so funny is, like, when I was growing up in. And I think about that, like, I was a self starter. So, like, if my. And by self starter, I only mean going to bed on time and getting up on time. I wasn't doing the work once I got to school. Yeah, I was not doing it.

[Emily Portner]

But did you feel like you're like, going to school was your safe place to be?

[Kayla]

I just wish that I had more connections with adults. And I also wish I had more food to eat during the day. I wasn't getting fed at school. That's wild. I didn't have money for food unless my freshman year, my friend Ariel, her family paid for me to eat sometimes if she was, if she was absent that day. I wasn't eating. Eating.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah.

[Kayla]

But my mom never. It was very hit or miss with the, with the reduced lunch or free lunch. She was embarrassed to fill out the work, the paperwork. So it was one of those things where. Yeah, what am I gonna do?

[Emily Portner]

Yeah.

[Kayla]

I mean, there were some years where I ate more than others, but I. It was just like being around people, having somebody to talk to, even if it wasn't like, super personal.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah.

[Kayla]

And so for me, it was more. More about like the environment, I guess. Yes.

[Emily Portner]

I was thinking about the last time that we recorded. We did a. We did an episode when Barely Famous, like, just started.

[Kayla]

Yeah.

[Emily Portner]

And what was I called something about living. Go live in your mom's basement.

[Kayla]

Oh, my God. Wait, what? Alessandra just sent me a couple questions I think are really would be good for this episode.

[Emily Portner]

Okay.

[Kayla]

In the first section, it Says, what was your first impression of me? And be honest, was it right or wrong?

[Emily Portner]

My first impression of you?

[Kayla]

Because you watched the show.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah.

[Kayla]

And then you had Lincoln, and we met from, you know, we went.

[Emily Portner]

I mean, I feel like, like I said, I worked. Not worked so hard, but, like, I tried so hard to not, like, be a fan girl, because my professionalism came first as a teacher of Lincoln. But I. I obviously was like, oh, my gosh, I. I know you just like other people know you from the show, but I tried to just be, like, natural and treat you like a human, not a reality TV star.

[Kayla]

Yeah.

[Emily Portner]

So, of course I liked you on the show. Like, I never really thought of you as a villain like they painted you to be, but I thought that you were really down to earth when I met you. And like I said, we connected really quickly over something.

[Kayla]

Things.

[Emily Portner]

We have a lot of similarities. Oddly enough, even though I'm older than you, we.

[Kayla]

And you're not that much older, you're acting like you're, like, 10 years older than me. I'm six years.

[Emily Portner]

Okay.

[Kayla]

Really?

[Emily Portner]

But anyway, we did have a lot of similarities. So I. I don't know. I thought you were really down to earth and genuine. I didn't really.

[Kayla]

I don't know.

[Emily Portner]

I didn't feel like you acted, but.

[Kayla]

So when did you think, okay, we're gonna be. We're gonna be best friends?

[Emily Portner]

I don't know. That's so weird because, like I said, I. I wish I remembered why we talked on the phone for the first.

[Kayla]

Time.

[Emily Portner]

But I remember kind of talking. I think you were, like, telling me some things that you're going through with the baby daddy, and it was very shocker. Our baby daddies are one very alike. Very, very similar. And I actually was still with mine at the time, so I remember being in the other room. I don't. I think he was in our bedroom, and I was, like, talking to you, kind of whispering, and. And I just related to you. So, like, naturally, because of what you were going through, that. I think that that really just instantly connected us. And then I do remember, like, you inviting us over to swim that summer, or maybe it was toward the end of the school year, and, you know, it was cool. Yeah. And I think it was this. The summer between. After I had Lincoln that we really started hanging out more.

[Kayla]

Okay. So, like, once the school year ended.

[Emily Portner]

Once the school year ended, like, we obviously talked through the school year, but we never really hung out outside of school until the end. The end of the school year.

[Kayla]

That makes Sense. Oh. Why do you think our friendship has lasted when so many others haven't?

[Emily Portner]

Wow, that's interesting.

[Kayla]

Thanks, Alessandra.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah, no, I mean, maybe because I haven't really been in the public, like, because I wasn't on Teen mom with you, maybe.

[Kayla]

So you didn't really have anything to, like, like, gain or lose, maybe.

[Emily Portner]

I, I, I feel like I really haven't. Like, I've always considered you consider you just a genuine friend. Like, I still have people come up to me and be like, oh, my gosh, you're friends with Kale. And I'm like, so, yeah. I'm like, okay. Or they'll be like, oh, that, that Teen mom girl. And I'm like, literally, that's my best friend. Like, it's so weird to me that people see you as, like, a celebrity because I'm just like, it's Kale. Like, not to sound rude, but I'm just like, it's literally Kale. Like, I, I, I don't know. I, I have, I feel like maybe that we literally are a lot alike and similar. And I just, I've never tried to use our friendship to gain anything or even though I am your flunky.

[Kayla]

And I, I didn't know where you were. I was going about, I was supposed to be like, what?

[Emily Portner]

And I do follow her kids around to report.

[Kayla]

Oh, the rumor has it. Rumor has it, everyone.

[Emily Portner]

I go to school pickup up. Even though my kids go to the same school to I show up pick.

[Kayla]

Up to spy, obviously.

[Emily Portner]

I go to my own kids football game.

[Kayla]

And I pay you to do it. You do.

[Emily Portner]

Thank you. I love getting paid to go to school pickup. It's my favorite thing.

[Kayla]

And sports.

[Emily Portner]

And sports. Even though my kids on the team.

[Kayla]

And on the field.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah. No, but I think, I think it just was a genuine natural connection. It's never really been until we started book club. And even to me, book club is not really business. Like, it's just like a fun, like a hobby. And I really consider you like my sister, basically.

[Kayla]

If you ask the kids, we're sisters.

[Emily Portner]

Sisters.

[Kayla]

And that's why we look alike. That's what Nova says. Nova's like, you guys are so similar and you look alike because you're sisters. And we're like, yeah.

[Emily Portner]

And it literally is genuinely like family. Like, our kids are cousins and we are sisters. And I've never had to question your loyalty really. Or, you know, you've, you've been my village, and I feel like you haven't really had a question mine either.

[Kayla]

Never.

[Emily Portner]

So I think that's probably why we really haven't had any fallouts. I think that we have pretty good communication. Like when there have been issues. Not there hasn't been a lot, but when there was a time that there was an issue, like you brought communicated about it.

[Kayla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Emily Portner]

I wasn't talking to anybody else about it. I went straight to you and vice versa. So I think that's probably why if.

[Kayla]

Anyone ever questions Emily's loyalty, they need to come see me. I swear to God. Cuz if anyone were to say that you are disloyal in any way, I would be like, you've lost your mind. Thank you. Literally. Oh Positive. Let's talk about all the vagina things. Okay. Okay. O Positive is a women's health company. They offer a range of symptom targeting supplements that support women at every stage of life from their first period to well beyond their last. And you guys have heard me say a million times already, they have the best selling women's health products at Target and on Amazon. But Euro Vaginal Probiotics is one of the top five supplements on Amazon. They have multiple number one products in Target for intimate care, PMS and menopause categories. So if this sounds like anything that you'd be interested, definitely check them out. Euro is a probiotic blend specifically formulated to support vaginal health. We're talking about balancing healthy vaginal pH, supporting healthy vaginal smell, maintaining healthy vaginal flora. Because we all know all of the things that impact the way that you smell or taste, which is so annoying. Sex, tight clothing, sweat from working out, hormones, periods. All of these things can disrupt your vaginal health and lead to an imbalance in vaginal flora and ph, causing an unhealthy vaginal odor or taste. Taste, abnormal discharge and discomfort, which nobody freaking wants that right? So I'm suggesting you check out OH Positive, check out Euro, take proactive care of your health and head to oh positive.com famous or enter famous at checkout for 25 off your first purchase. That's op o s I t I v.com famous for 25 off. What's something that you've seen me go through that most people don't realize?

[Emily Portner]

Oh wow. I think it's really hard. It's been really hard for me as your friend to watch some of the things that you go through in the media and people dragging you for a long time. It was really hard for me not to bite back on people making comments about you. Oh my gosh. Like these people don't Know you. And they just say the nastiest stuff. And it was so hard for me at first. Now I don't mind it as much, but it was really, really hard at first when we were close to really see these comments and yikes. Not because I want to. I'm like, I'm defending her, like, that's my friend. But then I'm like, no, because then it'll just cause more. And for a long time, I didn't really want to put myself out there as your friends. Recently when there was the. The flunky situation that went on Instagram and I bit back at Chris Lopez. So when he came at me and I responded, you know, all the pictures went, screenshots were taken, it went to the troll pages, and people were coming at me. And how.

[Kayla]

For what?

[Emily Portner]

I mean, because I said something about, like, I have two. Two master's degree. Like, why?

[Kayla]

Okay, sorry. We. We didn't understand what flunky was because to me, a flunky is someone who flunked out of school.

[Emily Portner]

Well, to me, I knew what he meant by flunky. My point was, I have two master's degree, a whole ass career. Why would I need you to pay me to watch him at school pickup or to go to a football game to watch see if your kids are there. Like, what. What am I reporting at school pickup? Oh, he's here. He's getting the kids. Like, why?

[Kayla]

I literally said in there. I gave him permission that day.

[Emily Portner]

Anyway, point being is that, like, over the years, I've developed thicker skin as well. Like, where. So now I don't find it as hard because I know, like, these people are trolls and they're just looking for a reaction. So. But that was really hard. And then, of course, I don't know what we're talking about. Being there for you through the cruise scandal was really, really hard.

[Kayla]

That one was rough.

[Emily Portner]

Was hard.

[Kayla]

That one was really rough.

[Emily Portner]

That one that's probably been over the years. Probably the hardest emotional thing that we've.

[Kayla]

Been through and still is hard for me.

[Emily Portner]

It is. But literally, Alessandra was there too. We were literally holding you while you were sobbing. And, like, that was. I would cry right now. Like, that was really, really hard.

[Kayla]

Well, he cheated on all of us. Not just he did.

[Emily Portner]

Like, he did.

[Kayla]

I do plan on addressing it in a video, but, yeah, that was. That was a tough time for me. So we talked about you being a single mom, a teacher, Dad's not really being involved. You and I have related on a lot of things. What has been the biggest misconception for you about dating as a single mom.

[Emily Portner]

Oh, goodness. Well, you and I have. Have had very differing opinions on that. Introducing our kids to. To people we date, where I was very dead set that my. Nobody's meeting my kids. Like, we have to be committed for you to meet my kids. Nobody. To be honest, I really haven't dated super seriously because it. It's rough out there, but nobody has met my kids. I also don't really, like, invite people into my house. I. I've actually gotten about that from people that I have been dating. Why won't you let me come in your house? And I'm like, well, that is just like, that is my space. My. I don't. My kids are there 24 7. So unless you want to meet my kids, you're not coming in my house. But you did open my eyes to that when you were saying, like, how you have. Have kids. You have seven kids, I have four kids. If they're signing up to date you, they're signing up to be a step parent, essentially. Like you're signing up for this life or you're not. And how you said they, you. They kind of need to know relatively quickly if they. If this is something they want to do or not. So that has opened my eyes to that. I have not put myself in that position or not put myself, but I have not been in that position where I have welcomed anyone in. But I feel a lot more comfortable. Comfortable, comfortable about it now. You know, you kind of open my eyes to that.

[Kayla]

And I'm not saying that that's the right thing for everybody. Yeah. For me, I do believe the older your kids are, the harder it is for a step parent to get involved that is no longer their step parent. That's your mom's husband or your dad's wife.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah.

[Kayla]

And then it's even harder.

[Emily Portner]

It is.

[Kayla]

So for me, it's like, I still have small kids kids. I still want to raise my children and have a family. Even though it might not be the nuclear family. I want some sort of blended family, whatever that may look like at this point. And I don't have two years to dedicate to. And. And I'm not saying that I was even in a position to date, But I say all that to say that life happens sometimes that's the way the cookie crumbles. And sometimes that's the way, like, if you met the right person that you really felt like, okay, there could be a future here. My position would be to test the waters to see how they would fit into your dynamic.

[Emily Portner]

No, I agree. I do like, and I'm not saying.

[Kayla]

You have to do that. It was just where, where I was coming from.

[Emily Portner]

Like I said, I feel like that's where I'm at now. If I met the right person, that is the mindset I have now. I would love my kids to have the opportunity to see me in a healthy relationship, to see what that looks like. Because at this point my kids don't have an example of what a healthy relationship looks like. They're seeing their mom happy and in a relationship with another human. And that's. Elliot said that an example of what a healthy relationship looks like. And I do think about that a lot with my kids. Kids, they've never seen that. I mean, I was with their dad for a long time. There were plenty of good times. My youngest two are just very young. So you know, I've been single now for five years. So they, they haven't seen me in a relationship. And, and I feel like maybe that was a disservice to them because I want them to see what a healthy relationship does look like. And I do agree. My older two kids at the this point, they are not going to have a stepdad. If that time comes, it's going to be my boyfriend or my husband. My younger two are getting older also, so they might not have that either. But my, my 14 year old is very against still me having a boyfriend. Like he has a lot of reservations about that. When I'm on the phone with a male friend. Is that your boyfriend? That's your boyfriend, mom, he's your boyfriend. Just tell me he's your boyfriend. I'm like, I will let you know he's my boyfriend. He's not my boyfriend. He's a friend and that I talk to a lot. And it's. If he officially is my boyfriend, I'll let you know. But he's very adamant like he does not want me to have a boyfriend.

[Kayla]

So I wonder from his point of view, is it like he doesn't want to lose you to somebody else or the resentment. Obviously we, we can't know what his positioning is, but like he doesn't want you to be taken from him or he has resentment about his dad or a combination of things.

[Emily Portner]

I think it's a combination.

[Kayla]

But I do think the older the child gets, it's so hard to bond because, and I think for the, the other, the step parent too, whether it's a male or if you'd like a mom or A dad. It's also hard for them too, because they're not having the motherly role or the fatherly role that they would have with like a toddler.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah, well, that's what I was gonna say. They're not providing the care for them the way they are with toddlers. You know, there's a lot. When kids are young, there's still a lot of caretaking to do. Once they're teenagers and they' self sufficient, it's a lot less caretaking and more like it. They would have to intentionally spend time with them to connect with them.

[Kayla]

Right, but what's a non negotiable for you? That wasn't there before. Wow.

[Emily Portner]

How about asking the question, not just are you seeing someone out, are you in a relationship? Does anyone else think that they're in a relationship with you? Because not just are you in a relationship, but does anybody else think that they're in a relationship with you?

[Kayla]

But if someone else thinks that they're in a relationship with somebody and you have to ask that, likely if they're not honest with that person, they're not going to be honest with you. So there's no true answer.

[Emily Portner]

Like, true story. Non negotiable would be not living with their ex. Last podcast we did years ago, oh, I remember seeing someone that lived with their ex or in their ex's house or something.

[Kayla]

Too old to be doing that.

[Emily Portner]

We're too old. If you not have your own place to live, bye. If you do not spend time with your own children, bye. If you do not have a steady job that you've held for quite some time, bye.

[Kayla]

I'm not falling for the. Oh, I'm just with her so that I don't have to pay full rent.

[Emily Portner]

Yes.

[Kayla]

No. Literally, no.

[Emily Portner]

Yes. No, we're not doing that.

[Kayla]

What's a hard boundary you've learned to keep? Ooh.

[Emily Portner]

Probably like I said, the, the boundary of, of when I'm comfortable with you coming into my, my house and my, my safe space because I want to make sure that my kids are not just getting introduced to, to anybody like we have. You have to be serious about me to be able to, to enter that. And another hard boundary. Oh, that's not dating.

[Kayla]

But what is it?

[Emily Portner]

I have made the decision that I don't have to respond to text messages or answer calls that I don't want to.

[Kayla]

That's hard for me. I get anxiety. And the other, the other thing is, like, sometimes I just want to text somebody something that reminded me of them and I don't want to. I don't want. You don't have to respond. I don't want you to respond. I don't want to. Hey. Oh, my God. How are you? No, please. I just thought of you one time. Like, I don't. Please. Yeah. Know that I thought about you. Don't text me back or heart it and call it a day.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah. One thing that I'm still working on. So I am still working on that as well. But I have gotten a lot better with that. Especially in relationships that are toxic. I don't. I don't have to respond. I used to feel the need to defend myself if somebody said something that you know about me. I don't feel that way anymore. But I still need some work because especially in like those relationships where I am talking to someone and, and building a relationship with them, if. If I feel like I'm not being heard, I will continue to text until I feel like they understand me. And then I, like, I'm just making myself more aggravated. So I. I do need to get better on that. Like I said what I said. Either they understand me or they don't.

[Kayla]

I have a habit of repeating myself in the same conversation to try to get my point across.

[Emily Portner]

Absolutely.

[Kayla]

And I infuriate my own self when I realize that I'm doing it. I'm like, I just said it three minutes ago. Why am I circling back? It's infuriating.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah. And I've also, I'm really trying hard to work on not allowing people to have excuses for their behavior and just like accepting behavior to be their choice and that's who they are. Like, I will listen to excuses and try to like, justify people's actions. I need to just look at their behavior and accept it as like, who they are. And. And your behavior is a choice. So stop giving me an excuse of why you did what you did. And you're just showing me who you are.

[Kayla]

That's hard. I think that it takes some level of therapy, being self aware and like, not making excuses. Because so often, actually my whole life I've always made excuses. Like, if I did this, this is why. And it was always. It was never a valid reason. It was always something or I didn't know. I just didn't know. Yeah. And that's. I don't want to be like that anymore. So when I started going to therapy and like, trying to figure out that piece of it, I realized that I don't love being held accountable. Yeah, but it. You have to be held accountable.

[Emily Portner]

I think it's hard for. I mean, I have moments too. I don't like it. I'm like, I make choices that are not good or that hurt other people. And I want to say, well, I did it because.

[Kayla]

But sometimes there's no. And it's just, I didn't mean to hurt you.

[Emily Portner]

Yep.

[Kayla]

And that's the bottom line.

[Emily Portner]

Or I was really shitty. I'm like, for hurting you. Sorry.

[Kayla]

Like, it won't happen again.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah.

[Kayla]

So now we get to rapid fire.

[Emily Portner]

Okay.

[Kayla]

The. This is where we bring the episode to a close and we're gonna do rapid fire. So you only can choose one. You cannot say both. Okay. Coffee or Coke? Well, for. In your case, it would be Coffee or Dr. Pepper. Nope, in your case it would be coffee or ghost. You can only pick one.

[Emily Portner]

Ghost.

[Kayla]

Same target. Run or Amazon.

[Emily Portner]

Amazon.

[Kayla]

Amazon. All day, early bedtime or me time at night before bed.

[Emily Portner]

Me time.

[Kayla]

This is something that I'm struggling with lately. Probably within the last 3 ish months. I. Because before. Well, it's probably been a little bit longer. Like six months, probably. When me and Ike started dating, before Ike moved to Delaware, the kids would ask me to lay with them at night and I would go to bed with them. I wouldn't stay up to read. I wasn't doing. I was literally going to bed between 8 and 9 o' clock every single night lately for some reason. And it has nothing to do with him. It's literally myself. I'm finding myself getting more frustrated because I don't have any me time when I get home. Home. So my kids. And I'm. And I'm a little embarrassed to admit this because it hurts my. It hurts me, I think, more than it hurts. Well, I don't know. My kids want me to lay with them. And I find myself getting anxious to be like, okay, I need to lay with them. To get it. To lay with them. But I'm not being present because I'm. I. I just need an hour to myself. And I'm struggling with that. And. And then I'm like, okay, I'll lay with them each for five minutes. But I used to lay with them for like 20 minutes each. And now I feel guilty because now when I'm done laying with them and my room for my own me time, I feel guilty because I should have laid with them longer. And now I can't even join my me time because I'm thinking about. Thinking about the fact that I just possibly hurt my son's feelings.

[Emily Portner]

No, I mean, you need to give yourself Some grace. Because me time is very important, and that is something that I've done for years. Is the only real me time I get is when they're in bed. So I put them to bed. And I have me time, whether that's reading. And it could be short and it could be longer, just depending. Like, a lot of times I'm tired and. And I'll stay awake for 30 minutes to read, but it's still the time that I need at the end of the day to decompress and do what I need to do. We didn't really get into this, but that's one of the things over the years of being a single mom that I kind of had to come to terms with. Like, I'm not going to be a good mom unless I'm happy, unless I have the time to pour into myself. You cannot pour from an empty cup, so you have to fill your own cup to be able to fill theirs. And laying with them is. That's not a routine that I ever did. But my kids did sleep with me for a long time. But ever since they've been out of my bed and in their own bed, I don't lay with them. So that's not really a practice I've ever done. But I think your kids are getting older and it's okay to shorten the time that you lay with them. You spend the evenings with them. You take them to practices. You're cooking dinner for them because you're.

[Kayla]

Cooking girly now, cooking early now. But I. What I'm struggling with, I think with it is that I think like a year or two ago, I saw this tick tock of this woman. She was a mom, and she was like, you cannot determine what your kids are going to remember. So they could remember the time that you lost your mind and threw a water bottle across the room, but they won't remember all the good times that you had when you took them to Disney.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah.

[Kayla]

And so my fear right now is, will my kids remember that I didn't lay with them and I only tuck them in instead of laying with them. Do you get what I'm saying?

[Emily Portner]

But tucking them in can be a routine that they cherish too. So it's just. Don't be so hard on yourself.

[Kayla]

It's hard.

[Emily Portner]

It is hard. It is really hard. Because that is true. You never know what they're going to remember. And I have a lot of situations where I go batshit crazy and I'm like, oh, I feel so guilty. Because they're gonna think of me as this screaming, raging lunatic mom. But then, you know, there are moments where things happen and they make comments about. About things that I don't remember or I don't think that they would remember, and they do. So I think they'll hold on to a lot of the special moments more than you think, I think.

[Kayla]

I also worry that when I come to work here, because it's a non traditional job, and they're like, lincoln, text me while I've been here and said, what time are you going to be home? Yeah, he thinks that I'm having. I. I assume he thinks I'm having me time. And so I. I think that leads to the guilt of not laying with it because they think that I'm going to have fun or I'm going to hang out with you because we're friends, but we're recording this podcast, so it's like they think I'm having me time and I'm not spending time with them. And then on top of that, I have the guilt. They're very different types of guilt. Yeah, but it's like the dads don't respect my job either. So to them, them, this is not a real job. Even though it pays the real bills and it pays with real money, this is not a real job. So it cannot be prioritized the way that their jobs can. And so it's like this, like, snowball.

[Emily Portner]

That's the same mentality as him saying that my job is easy. That's crazy.

[Kayla]

Like you've lost your mind.

[Emily Portner]

You think it's so easy. Why don't you do it?

[Kayla]

Do it, then do it.

[Emily Portner]

That's the thing. If it's so easy, do it. And I.

[Kayla]

What's that? How hard can it be? Boys do it.

[Emily Portner]

Boys do it.

[Kayla]

How hard can it be? Moms do it.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah, literally, how hard can it be?

[Kayla]

Okay. Quiet night in or spontaneous plans. You can't say both. I know you like both.

[Emily Portner]

I do like both. I'll go with spontaneous plans.

[Kayla]

One word your kid would use to describe you for you. I want to hear all four. One word that each of your kids would use to describe you. My kids would all describe me the same.

[Emily Portner]

Oh, my.

[Kayla]

They would all say, batsheva crazy.

[Emily Portner]

Oh, God, this is hard. Oh, Lord.

[Kayla]

I think Nash would say, w. Mom.

[Emily Portner]

W. Mom.

[Kayla]

W. Mom.

[Emily Portner]

Nova would say, I'm pretty.

[Kayla]

I knew. I knew. She was literally about to say it before you did. Nova would say, you're pretty.

[Emily Portner]

Pretty. Nash is very loving, so he is always saying, like, you're the Best mom. So I think he would say, best mom. Nehemiah is rough because he.

[Kayla]

Well, that. His age, he. He will fry you up before he compliments you.

[Emily Portner]

He will fry me up.

[Kayla]

But it's with love. It is.

[Emily Portner]

But then he does things like that are super sweet. And that's what one thing I was going to say for our last conversation is, like, your kids will give you such a hard time. And literally, I'll be like, oh, my gosh, my kids hate me. Like, they think I'm the worst. They think about everything I do wrong. And then Nehemiah had to write, like, a little thankful thing at school, and most of the kids wrote to teachers or whatever, and he wrote to me, and he literally said something about, thank you for everything you do for me. You buy me everything. You take me everywhere. You saved me. And it's just like, in moments like that, you're like, wow. Like the hectic everyday life. And the kids, they're complaining because I didn't get them what they wanted for dinner. They're complaining because I'm waking them up for school. They're complaining because I said we can't stop at Wawa. But at the end of the day, when it really comes down to it, they are appreciative, and they do see what I do.

[Kayla]

Nehemiah would say, say.

[Emily Portner]

What would he say? I don't know. That's so hard.

[Kayla]

Bro, mom, bro.

[Emily Portner]

Yeah, Literally, he calls me bro, bro.

[Kayla]

That's Lincoln.

[Emily Portner]

Bro, mom, bro. He probably would say that. I. I don't. This is not one word. But he complains that I'm always on the phone, like, talking on the phone. If I get on the phone, he's like, you're always on the phone.

[Kayla]

Okay, okay.

[Emily Portner]

And Cadence. I don't know.

[Kayla]

He's so chill. I. I would love to know what he would say.

[Emily Portner]

I know now I feel like I need to ask them one more, so I can. I can follow up.

[Kayla]

My favorite thing sort of related to this was one year they did the Mother's Day special for the kids on Teen mom, and they, like, interviewed the kids without the mom there. I think Elliot was like, my mom's name is kale, and she's 32 years old. And at the time, I think I was, like, 21.

[Emily Portner]

I'm texting my oldest two right now to see what they'll say if they get back to me.

[Kayla]

Okay, last question. What. What is. What is something. What is something you want other single moms to hear?

[Emily Portner]

Oh, wow. I think I would just want Them to keep going.

[Kayla]

Give them. Give. Give yourself.

[Emily Portner]

Give yourselves grace. Oh, I'm sorry. Pause. Nehemiah just responded. I said, what is one word you'd use to describe me?

[Kayla]

Mom.

[Emily Portner]

There you have it.

[Kayla]

All encompassing.

[Emily Portner]

There you go, Mom.

[Kayla]

Now I have to ask my kids.

[Emily Portner]

But, no, seriously, keep going. I mean, I have been in the literal trenches through the years. There's days where it is tough to even pull yourself out of bed because you're just tired. Like, there are days where I have no other word than tired. I'm tired of. Of everything. I'm tired of. Of working. I'm tired of momming. I'm tired of talking to anybody. I'm tired of making decisions. I. I'm just tired. I. I'm tired in general. Not, like, sleep. I want to go to sleep tired, but just.

[Kayla]

It's a tired that sleep cannot fix. Correct. And that is the biggest thing for me.

[Emily Portner]

And it's. And there's days where, you know, you question yourself, like, am I doing this right? And it's hard to come to terms with the fact that there is no right way to do it. You're. You're doing the best that you can in the moment, and you just have to have, you know, the trust and the faith in yourself that you're doing the best that you can. And, you know, I try not to look back too much and criticize myself, because it will eat you alive. Like, I should have done it this way. I shouldn't have said that. I should have done this instead. And I just try to tell myself that I did the best that I could in the moment, and I'm doing the best that I can every day and just keep going, even when it feels really, really hard and. And it feels like there's no end in sight. The days can be really, really long, but the years are really short, and someday we're gonna miss it.

[Kayla]

It's crazy to think about that there's really only 18 summers, and Elliot's coming up on his 16th summer. So there's literally, if you count in summers, there's only two summers left. Yeah, I feel like the young adulthood, like, right out of high school into, like, if they go to college or not. Like, that time period is a little rough for parents when. What?

[Emily Portner]

Cadence answered me.

[Kayla]

What did he say?

[Emily Portner]

Supportive.

[Kayla]

I got a response from Lincoln.

[Emily Portner]

Oh, no.

[Kayla]

I said, describe me in one word. And he said, interesting.

[Emily Portner]

You are interesting. That was a very nice word, actually.

[Kayla]

He doesn't mean it in a loving way. Could be worse. It could be worse.

[Emily Portner]

Wow, that was really nice typing. Oh no. Why are they frying you up?

[Kayla]

Yeah they are.

[Emily Portner]

What did he say?

[Kayla]

Elliot said medicated.

[Emily Portner]

Goodbye.

[Kayla]

Oh lord, there's something wrong with my children. Anyways, where can people find you? And don't forget to talk about your for reading Instagram.

[Emily Portner]

Okay, so I am on Instagram @EmilyRay27. Yes that's my personal and I am on bookstagram on Instagram at Emily rayreads and then I also have a tick tock that I don't really do a lot on anymore but I think it is just Emily Ray 27 also. You can also follow me on Facebook. Emily Fortner.

[Kayla]

Love it. Thank you for coming on Barely Famous Sam.

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[Kayla]

We must make a massive demonstration.

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[Emily Portner]

I got you it.

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Star studded brilliant Black entertainment. And it's all free. It's getting good this month and always on Pluto TV Stream now pay never. I'm Justin Sylvester. And I'm Blake Lee Thornton. Join us for Yesterdays, the podcast where we break down the most pivotal pop culture moments in history and give them the queer love that they deserve. The things that got us riled up during dial up, those makeouts that should have been breakouts and the drops that were cemented in pop. I'm talking Bennifer, Tyra versus Naomi, Tom Cruise jumping on that couch and so much more. So please rate us, subscribe to us on Apple podcasts, Spotify or anywhere you get audio related content. We also take memo and cash, app ach or credit card number as well. We're malleable, you know we're gay today.