Episode 41: ‘Friends with Benefits’ (Jeffrey Allen Hayes)

Summary

Bawdy Storytelling – Episode 41: “Friends with Benefits” (Jeffrey Allen Hayes)
Original Air Date: September 26, 2018
Host: Dixie De La Tour | Guest Storyteller: Jeffrey Allen Hayes | Musical Guest: Rachel Lark

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Overview

This episode of Bawdy Storytelling explores the blurry boundaries of sex, friendship, and connection through hilarious, honest real-life tales. Dixie De La Tour brings in Jeffrey Allen Hayes—a seasoned Bawdy storyteller and sex-club staffer—to unravel the complications, laughs, and logistics of “friends with benefits,” all while interrogating the question: “What is sex, anyway?” The episode also features the sparkling wit and music of Rachel Lark, giving voice to the universal (and sometimes absurd) search for the perfect unicorn to complete a couple’s fantasies.

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Key Discussion Points & Story Highlights

1. Introduction & Framing the Questions of Sex (01:19–04:05)

• Dixie explains the episode’s thematic focus:
  “On this episode, we probe that age old question, what is sex anyway? Did we just have sex? And how do you know? Do you have an angel in your life?... I’m going to tell you about my storytelling angel… his name is Jeffrey Allen Hayes.” – Dixie (01:19)
• She riffs on Jeffrey’s role as her “go-to” backup storyteller—a pro at finding and crafting new, fresh sex stories, seemingly at a moment’s notice.

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2. Jeffrey Allen Hayes: “What is Sex?” (04:05–16:36)

Openness and Stage Fright

• Jeffrey begins by confessing nerves despite his repeated performances and riffs on the difference between having a week to prepare versus improvising a fresh sex story day-of.

Sex-Club Stories & Ambiguous Encounters

Jeffrey threads three encounters from his workplace to tease apart what counts as sex:

Scenario 1: The Solo-Goer and Accidental Assistance (06:30–09:00)

• Jeffrey describes a club patron who bravely stays until closing hoping to hook up but ends up alone, masturbating. Jeffrey, wanting the man’s risk to “pay off,” tries to hurry things along—eventually (angrily) yells “Will you come already?” which gets the job done.
  • “I made him come. Did I have sex with him?” – Jeffrey (09:00)
• The story pokes at boundaries: Is assisting, even verbally, participating in sex?

Scenario 2: The Shower-room Conversation (09:00–10:30)

• A tall, attractive client showers; Jeffrey cleans a mirror nearby. The two converse flirtatiously.
• The man, turned on by Jeffrey’s answers about wildest sex stories, starts masturbating and climaxes mid-conversation.
  • “Did I have sex with him?” – Jeffrey (10:30)

Scenario 3: Bunk Bed Bullseye (10:30–12:00)

• Overhearing a noisy sex scene, Jeffrey investigates. In a comic twist, a participant's ejaculate lands squarely in Jeffrey’s mouth.
  • “My first thought was pineapple. My second thought was what... My fourth thought was very much that thought of the bird in the Flintstones: ‘eh, it's a living.’ Did I have sex with that guy?” – Jeffrey (12:00)

Defining “Sex”—and the Meaning of Friendship

• Jeffrey reflects on why these might or might not count as sex—and why, despite the explicit acts, the moments of authentic connection with colleagues and clients at the club (pizza lunch naked with a coworker, chalkboard penis art, hide-and-seek) are just as meaningful.
  • “One of the really cool things about where I work is... there’s no charade around sexuality… I can be my whole authentic self at this place.” – Jeffrey (15:00)
• Ends on a moving note:
  • “I don’t know if I told you sex stories just now… but I just really wanted to share about some of the best friends I've ever had in my life.” – Jeffrey (16:30)

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3. Group Reflection: What is Sex? (16:36–17:00)

Playful banter between Dixie, Rachel Lark, and Jeffrey:

• Rachel: “What is sex? What sex?” (16:38)
• Jeffrey offers a tongue-in-cheek philosophical take:
  “All life is sex and all sex is competition. And there are no rules to that game.” – Jeffrey (16:47)

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4. Musical Interlude: Rachel Lark’s “Unicorn Song” (18:47–25:21)

Polyamory, Fantasy, and “Seeking the Impossible”

• Rachel shares her personal (and all-too-relatable) struggle to find the perfect “unicorn”—a third partner—who can fulfill every expectation.
  • Lyrics loaded with irony and aspiration: “We want a girl who's attracted to me and my wife equally, so it works out so 50/50 every time. Mentally stable, but emotionally available. Good abs and able to fuck us for days.” – Rachel Lark (20:45)
• Rachel lampoons real-world polyamory with detail:
  • “She’ll stay in the guest room… She’ll be the best sex toy—I mean, person—that we've… I mean, been with… I mean, it'll be great.” (23:30)
• The audience responds with laughter; the song simultaneously celebrates and parodies the “unicorn hunting” trope.

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5. Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Jeffrey’s Delicate Dilemma:
  "I just get kind of angry and I just yell, ‘Will you come already!’ And that did it for him. So I made him come. Did I have sex with him?" (09:00)
• On Definitions:
  “I was really struggling with this theme… because I don't know if I had sex with any of these guys. But it never crossed my mind that the second half of tonight's theme wouldn't apply. Fucking? Wasn't quite. Sure. Buddies. Absolutely.” (12:50)
• On Authenticity at Work:
  “I can be my whole authentic self at this place.” (15:00)
• Rachel’s Satirical Wish List:
  “Mentally stable, but emotionally available. Good abs and able to fuck us for days… Her sweat tastes like rainbows and her nipples are stars.” (20:47)
• Rachel on Realism:
  “…All the poly message boards have faintly been rude. They call us rookies… I think they're jealous. They don't like what they see. They don’t want us to have our unicorn.” (23:03)

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Timestamps of Important Segments

• 01:19 – Dixie sets up the theme, introduces Jeffrey
• 04:05 – Jeffrey Allen Hayes begins storytelling
• 06:30–09:00 – Scenario 1: The solo-goer
• 09:00–10:30 – Scenario 2: The shower-room
• 10:30–12:00 – Scenario 3: Bunk Bed Bullseye
• 15:00–16:30 – Jeffrey’s musings on friendship and work
• 16:38 – Group asks: “What is sex?”
• 18:47–25:21 – Rachel Lark performs "Unicorn Song"

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Conclusion

Episode 41 of Bawdy Storytelling is both thoughtful and hilarious, sketching the boundaries between sex, connection, and community with unfettered honesty and comic relief. Jeffrey Allen Hayes’s stories tease apart what really “counts” as sex, but ultimately reveal that the friendships and freedom in authentic queer spaces are just as, if not more, significant. Rachel Lark’s original music provides a fittingly playful capstone—a wink at every couple who’s ever dreamed of a perfect, drama-free “unicorn” and instead found messy reality.

For fans of true, uncensored storytelling, this episode brims with heart, humor, and sex-positive realness.

Transcript

[Dixie de La Tour]

All right, y', all, clear the decks. This podcast is about to get somewhere between R and triple X rated, so make sure there's nobody around who shouldn't hear these stories. Thanks.

[Rachel Lark]

All of my life I've never fit But I won't complain and I won't quit. I am enormous. Get used to it. Everyone tells me I'm too much. Maybe it's just you're not enough for me. Can't you see I'm the kind of woman I'm supposed to be? Hey, my vagina is eight miles wide. Absolutely everyone can come inside. If you're ever frightened, just run and hide. My vagina is eight miles.

[Dixie de La Tour]

Welcome to the Body Storytelling Podcast. I am sexual folklorist Dixie de La Tour, and on this episode, we probe that age old question, what is sex anyway? Did we just have sex? And how do you know? Do you have an angel in your life? Maybe they're a lube fairy who shows up at that crucial moment at a sex party, gives you a couple of pumps of a really good lube and keeps your party going so you don't dry out. Or maybe, like me, you have someone who always has the perfect story, no matter what. I'm going to tell you about my storytelling angel. You may have heard a story from him back on episode two of the Body Storytelling podcast. His name is Jeffrey Allen Hayes. Jeffrey studied drama therapy. He understood storytelling in ways that so many people just don't get. He understood that when you tell this big, powerful story, yeah, it's about sex, but it's also about sexual so much more than sex. And as the years have gone by, Jeffrey has become my go to person. So that when this thing that happens, and this may be a unique problem, I'm not sure, but the thing about having people who have not done this before is, well, they get cold feet from time to time. And that's why I'm so grateful to have Jeffrey Allen Hayes. Jeffrey has, over the years, become the person that is so comfortable on stage and so adept at storytelling that let's say somebody backs out. You know, day of show, I get a text that says, oh, my God, I'm having a panic attack. I'm sorry, Dixie, I just can't do this tonight. And it used to be I'd have a little heart attack and I'd go, oh, shit, I don't have a complete show. But at some point I messaged Jeffrey and said, jeffrey, somebody fell out. Could you fill my hole tonight? And he would go, okay, what? It's like two o' clock in the afternoon, day of show. What time is soundcheck? 6:30. Okay, great. And not only would he have a story, but he would go out and hook up and create a story between 2 and 6:30. Because he likes fresh stories. He does that a lot. This story is from Jeffrey Allen Hayes.

[Jeffrey Allen Hayes]

Please be seated. Okay. Okay, cool. Hi. I'm still nervous every time I've done this so many times and every time I get the worst stage fright. So I appreciate all the love. I'm hanging on to it. Thank you. Yay. So I really struggled with this theme of fuck buddies. And Dixie let me know a week ago that she wanted me on the show. And I think the reason I struggled is because I'm not used to getting that much time. Normally I get told the day of the show that I'm doing the show, and I'm like, okay, guess I gotta go fuck someone. And I'm like, oh, I have time now. What do I do with it? Like, so it's been really sitting with me and I've had time to sit with it. And I got inspiration from this story when I was doing my STI checkup. By the way, I don't have syphilis. Hooray. That wasn't really a concern, but it's still really exciting to know you don't have syphilis. So, like, I just. I made myself a little cupcake and I was like, this is my non syphilis cupcake. So. But I was sitting there filling out the paperwork, and it came to that question, how many sexual partners have you had in the past 12 months? And that's a really hard question because the answer could be 2 or it could be 313 as of 4:30pm today. So let's go over the possibilities for a second. Let's talk about how we define sex. Let me back up a little bit. I work at a sex club, and I've been really toeing the line lately because obviously I'm employed there. I cannot have sex with people who come into the sex club. That would be prostitution, which is illegal. Many people are prostitutes and do that. And, you know, that's wonderful. I personally just want to, like, not have this club deal with that legal nightmare. So I'm respecting that law. But at the same time, like, sometimes you really want to have sex with the people who are in the club. And, like, how do you toe that line? And I've been wondering, have I been having sex with the people who've been coming into the club? For example, there's this guy who came in about 45 minutes before closing. About five foot, skinny, Asian dude, had like dark hair, bright blonde highlights, really adorable, really attractive. He came in 45 minutes before closing. He wanted to know if anyone was in the club. We told him, you know, there's a couple guys in. You can take your chances or you could come back tomorrow. He said, I'm going to take my chances. I'm like my kind of guy, a risk taker. So he comes in and closing time comes around. I go upstairs to start shutting down all the rooms. Each room has a TV for porn. There's one room with a sling. Like, I just. I go through and I turn off the TVs and I open up the windows and do all that. But as I'm going upstairs, I notice that he's jacking off to the porn and he's the last guy in the club and he's all alone. And it just breaks my heart because I just really want him to get off because he took the risk and it didn't pay off. And I'm just. I'm on his team, you know. And so I just kind of, you know, walk up to him and I say, hey, I'm really sorry, but we're closing up. Can you finish it up? I'm just. I'm going to go into the other two rooms and close them up first and I'm going to come back and I need you to be done. And he's like, okay, I can do it. I'm like, okay, we got this. So I take my time leisurely closing up the other rooms. And I come in and he is jacking furiously. He is trying so hard. And I'm like, oh, the Little Engine that Couldn't. Oh, no. Oh, God. Oh, please, I want this for you. Like, come on, work with me here. And so I say like, hey, I really need you to finish. And he's like, I'm trying. And he's like, okay, I'm trying. And I'm like, oh. So I turn on all the lights and I close the curtains and I do all the things and he still hasn't come yet. And I'm cranky, honestly, because, like, I have places to be, home in bed with ice cream. And this is kind of taking up that time. And, like, I want him to come, but I also want my gosh darn ice cream. And I just get kind of angry and I just yell, will you come already? And that did it for him. So I made him come. Did I have sex with him? Scenario number two. I'm on my loop of the club. A loop is when we go through every hour on the hour, and we just make sure, you know, people are obeying the rules. We pick up towels, we throw away condoms, the usual. And I go into the shower room and there's this incredibly hot guy there. He is like 6:5, which, you know, that's nice. And he has cascading brown hair with like little auburn streaks. I'm like, hi. And I kind of like work my eyes down his body and his abs are just like, bam. And I'm like, hello. So I am into this and I want to continue to see this guy who is showering. So I decide the mirror needs to be cleaned. There's this large mirror and I have this full view of the show, and I just clean the mirror. We are not allowed to touch customers, but we are allowed to interact with them and answer questions they may have. So he says, how's your day going? I said, it's going well. How's yours? Oh, pretty good, you know. And he starts cleaning his butt and he kind of like, you know, spreads his cheek, cleans his hole, and he goes, hey, do you ever come inside? Now he means come inside the club. But there is a clear double entendre here. And I am having feelings. And I go, yeah, you know, on our breaks we're allowed to go into the club. And he's like, when's your next break? And I said, oh, I had my last one for the night. And he goes, oh. I go, but yeah, I'm around if you have any questions. He's like, any questions? I was like, yeah, ask me anything. And he asks me, who's the hottest guy who's ever fucked you and what's the craziest place you've ever had sex? By the way, that is tied to a cross in a church, which was my very first time. I don't really do things half ass. Like, I just kind of go for it. And so he starts jerking off to what I'm saying. And I'm trying to be really casual and conversational about it, but he eventually, you know, gets off to what I'm saying and then he just kind of leaves. And I go, well, that was nice. And it took less than five minutes and it's like, oh, that's very efficient. And yeah, did I have sex with him? Let's talk about the 313th guy today at 4:30pm it may have been closer to 5. Yeah, okay. Anyway, you don't care. So I was going upstairs and I was doing my loop. Oh, God, I can, I can, I can, I can. I was doing my loop. And I walk by a bunk bed, and, you know, it's up here. And I hear shouting and moaning, and someone is having a great time. And I'm like, okay, good for you. And I hear someone shout like, I'm gonna come. I'm gonna come. And he's. Then I hear this other voice, like, don't come on me. Don't come on me. And I'm like, oh, well, there's been a plot twist. And, like, there's some shouting back and forth. And the one guy is like, don't you dare come on me. Don't you do it. And he's like, oh. So he's like, fine. So he comes to the edge of the bed, and he comes. And the whole conversation was very strange to me. So I'm just kind of like, huh, you know where this is going? So it hit me square in the mouth. And my very first thought was pineapple. My second thought was what my third thought was. That is an impressive distance. And my fourth thought was very much that thought of the bird in the Flintstones of, eh, it's a living. Did I have sex with that guy? I don't. That one of those three stories is the one that I count the least. But, like, on a sexual questionnaire, that seems the most important because that's so. I don't know, like, what even is sex anymore, Right? I was really struggling with this theme and trying to come up with a story, and I came up with three mini stories, and I didn't know if any of them counted because I don't know if I had sex with any of these guys. But it never crossed my mind that the second half of tonight's theme wouldn't apply. Fucking wasn't quite. Sure buddies. Absolutely. One of the really cool things about where I work is, yeah, I get to see people fuck. And, yeah, sometimes people come in my mouth and whatever. But there's no charade around sexuality, which I feel is so, like, big. In every other job I've ever had, like, we have to pretend that we're not our whole selves, including our sexual being at work sometimes. Yeah. I don't feel that at this job. Like, I don't. And you're like, well, of course you don't. But it's not just the being able to have these sexual encounters. It's like being able to get naked and eat pizza on my lunch break with a co worker. Or, you know, going upstairs and seeing the chalkboard have a dick drawing with a secret message written just for me. Or there was this one time when there was this couple playing hide and seek in the sex club and I thought it was the cutest thing and they asked me if I wanted to join. I can be my whole authentic self at this place. And the reason for that is not just because of, you know, the difference in how they treat sexuality in this place. It's because I get to work with staff and clients who I consider to be my friends. So I don't know if I told you sex stories just now, and I'm sorry that I get to any fucking by the four minute mark in my story, but I just really wanted to share about some of the best friends I've ever had in my life. And I'm glad I got to.

[Rachel Lark]

How is it sex, right?

[Dixie de La Tour]

Is it sex?

[Rachel Lark]

What is sex? What sex?

[Jeffrey Allen Hayes]

All life is sex and all sex is competition. And there are no rules to that game. That wasn't so perverted now, was it?

[Dixie de La Tour]

Do you like stories? Better yet, do you like true stories of sex, kink, nature, gender? The kind you can only hear hear on the Bodi storytelling podcast? Well, we want to keep this thing going for you, but so far our podcast has been entirely out of pocket. But I can't do it much longer, y'.

[Rachel Lark]

All.

[Dixie de La Tour]

So if you could go to patreon.com body spelled P A T R E O N dot com and go there to give us some support, this thing can keep going. Help me keep it going, y'.

[Rachel Lark]

All.

[Dixie de La Tour]

Go to patreon.com bodi give it whatever level you can, and you're going to ensure that these true stories get out there where you are, where you can share them with your friends, where you can fit them into your busy schedule. Thanks. Do you know what one of my favorite things in the world to do is? No, not anal. This is about something else. I love taking a brand new song, one that debuts on stage and let you hear the audience reaction and the excitement and the response to the brilliant lyrics and the amazing voice of the performer. This song debuted at our Fuck Buddy show in San Francisco a few months ago and you can hear the audience reeling. Rachel Lark is getting a lot of requests to have a recording of this song and I think she's gonna have a new album for you soon. This will be on it. That's what I'm hoping. This song is called the Unicorn Song and it's from Rachel Lark.

[Rachel Lark]

Hi, guys. How's it going. I am so excited about this theme. I have tried, I've tried so hard to have like a successful fuck buddy situation. I think we all have. It sounds ideal, right? Like lots of sex, good friendship, none of the complications. Perfect, sign me up. But you know, we know it doesn't always work like that. So here's my song about, you know, trying to seek that perfect friend with benefit situation. I've been looking all my life.

[Jeffrey Allen Hayes]

For.

[Rachel Lark]

That special someone who fits just right. I feel I deserve it. I've had a lot of therapy. It's clear as day that this would work for me. I talked it over, I've thought it through. I know what I'm looking for. There's just one thing to do. I'll tell my wife. We need a unicorn, unicorn, unicorn A unicorn in our lives we need a unicorn, unicorn, unicorn to help our sex life survive. It'll be a dream for everyone involved. Just us three writhing in a loving ball of kinky sex that we'll all be good at. Just cause there's more of us. It'll improve. Yeah. A writhing, sweaty ball of sex that's hot to look at. No one left out. Cause we're all in the groove. I've seen it work on tv I've seen it work on tv. Come on, baby, work for me. So now. Thanks. So now my wife's on board. Yay. And we've got our list of rules and attributes and of course, her politics. We'll go to Polly Happy Hour on Thursday at 4. And once we meet her there, we'll lay down the score. Here goes, you guys. We want a girl who's attracted to me and my wife equally, so it works out so 50. 50 every time. Mentally stable, but emotionally available. Good abs and able to fuck us for days. I want a girl who's a gymnast. Why not? She has her own amazing friends, but doesn't date any of them. She finds our remarks extremely wise. Laughing at our jokes and saying, oh my God, you guys. If she volunteers with orphans, that's cool. Pursuing her PhD in global finance. Her sweat tastes like rainbows and her ridiculous. Her sweat tastes like rainbows and her nipples are stars. We never have to argue. She's emotionally smart. We want a girl who's available not next Wednesday, but the Wednesday after. From like 2 to 4:30. And preferably somewhere in the mission. Cause that's where I work. But actually if she wanted to just meet me at work then that would add like 15 minutes to hangout time, so that'd be great. And when we spring it on her that New Year's should really be just us, she'll be like, totally. That's fine. Thanks for taking care of yourselves. And when we tell her that we feel she really hasn't been doing that much work, she'll be like, totally. You guys are everything to me. I get that your connection is the focus here, so I will do my best to adapt. Just please keep fucking me. And then we would. Yeah. And now we're seeking the unicorn of our dreams. But we haven't really been impressed with what we've seen. Just regular people everywhere we viewed. And all the poly message boards have faintly been rude. They call us rookies. They call us naive. I think they're jealous. They don't like what they see. They don't want us to have our unicorn. Unicorn. Unicorn. A unicorn on our own. They want to hide us from their unicorns. Unicorns. Unicorns. But we want one that we can take home. It'll be a dream. Stroking her unicorn hair. Yeah. She'll stay in the guest room. Cause she knows it's hard to sleep when she's there. She'll be the best sex toy. I mean, person that we've use. I mean, been with. I mean, it'll be great. We can show her off when we're in the right context. And when we're not, we'll just have sex and skip the date. I've seen it work on tv. I've seen it work on tv. Come on, baby. Work for me and be my unicorn. You like it?

[Dixie de La Tour]

Okay, perverts, about to tell you about upcoming shows. But I'm gonna tell you one more thing about Patreon. And that is if you do not live near where a live show is, there is one other way to hear a story that just happened last week. The story of the Camp John Waters blowjob contest. Which is kind of why my voice is mostly gone right now. I was running that thing. It was a huge mistake. And, you know, bad decisions are my favorite stories. So if you want to hear it, you can hear the story with pictures really soon as a reward for patrons only. Or you can hear it at a live show. Here's our upcoming live shows on September 27th. Holy shit. That's this week in Seattle at the Rebar. Seattle. The theme is Packs a Wallop. We have got Creature Hole for music. We've got amazing stories that have never been told on our stage before. And it's been two months since we've been back. So get your ass to body Storytelling this one week in Seattle. If you're anywhere nearby, we have people come down from Canada to come see our Seattle show. So if they can do it, you can do a little commute, too. On October 18th, we're back in San Francisco with the theme Never say Never From Hell no to yeah. Never done that thing before. I can't wait to hear your story. Pitch me, Dixie. Bodystorytelling.com and on October 25th, back in Seattle, we are doing our Halloween show. The theme is wicked. We get some dirty, dirty stories. People show up in costumes. There's going to be condom giveaways. There's going to be prize packages for Bango. There's going to be making friends with strangers and probably hooking up in costume. I mean, you know, Burning Man's over. This is your chance to do that again. So make sure you come to Body Storytelling, a live show sometime soon. We're going to be back in San Francisco on Friday, November 9th. That's a Friday night show. Normally we're on a Thursday, but the venue said, can you please do a Friday night show? And I went, well, there are some people who have jobs who can't make it during the week, so let's make something special for them. It's already turning out extra special because Creature Hole is coming down to perform for the very first time at Body and San Francisco. So we'll have more information on that Friday, November 9th show sometime soon. And I can't wait to see you at a live show.

[Rachel Lark]

Yay.

[Dixie de La Tour]

Damn, that was a good episode, wasn't it? Let's acknowledge the people who helped me get these stories out into the world. To Joe Moore, my video person and archivist, just go to bawdy storytelling on YouTube and watch some stories because there's more there. If you're chomping at the bit for the next episode, go to YouTube and watch his story. We'll be back soon. To Dana Hanna, my project manager, To David Grossoff, our sound engineer who records these stories at our live shows, and especially to Marty Garcia, my podcast producer. He's making this possible, y', all. And that's pretty important. Most important to thank is you. Thank you for listening. Thank you for telling your friends. I get emails from people who do road trips. It's perfect time of year for a road trip, isn't it? So you just put on all of the episodes of the Body Storytelling podcast, and you probably have to stop fuck every once in a while. But hey, you knew the job was dangerous when you took it, right? So thanks to you. And we'll be back really soon with more I'm Sexual Folklorist, Dixie Delator. And here's a peek at what's next.

[Rachel Lark]

Women my age, like, they're like, oh, dick pics. No. I'm like, are you crazy? Like, I love the dick pics. Bring em on.

[Dixie de La Tour]

I love em.

[Rachel Lark]

She said I don't have time to fall in love don't think I'll stay if push comes to show Because I got one thing on my mind.