Dixie de La Tour (0:13)

All right, y', all, clear the decks. This podcast is about to get somewhere between R and triple X rated, so make sure there's nobody around who shouldn't hear these stories. Thanks.

Rachel Lark (0:25)

All of my life I've never fit But I won't complain and I won't quit. I am enormous. Get used to it. Everyone tells me I'm too much. Maybe it's just you're not enough for me. Can't you see I'm the kind of woman I'm supposed to be? Hey, my vagina is eight miles wide. Absolutely everyone can come inside. If you're ever frightened, just run and hide. My vagina is eight miles.

Dixie de La Tour (1:19)

Welcome to the Body Storytelling Podcast. I am sexual folklorist Dixie de La Tour, and on this episode, we probe that age old question, what is sex anyway? Did we just have sex? And how do you know? Do you have an angel in your life? Maybe they're a lube fairy who shows up at that crucial moment at a sex party, gives you a couple of pumps of a really good lube and keeps your party going so you don't dry out. Or maybe, like me, you have someone who always has the perfect story, no matter what. I'm going to tell you about my storytelling angel. You may have heard a story from him back on episode two of the Body Storytelling podcast. His name is Jeffrey Allen Hayes. Jeffrey studied drama therapy. He understood storytelling in ways that so many people just don't get. He understood that when you tell this big, powerful story, yeah, it's about sex, but it's also about sexual so much more than sex. And as the years have gone by, Jeffrey has become my go to person. So that when this thing that happens, and this may be a unique problem, I'm not sure, but the thing about having people who have not done this before is, well, they get cold feet from time to time. And that's why I'm so grateful to have Jeffrey Allen Hayes. Jeffrey has, over the years, become the person that is so comfortable on stage and so adept at storytelling that let's say somebody backs out. You know, day of show, I get a text that says, oh, my God, I'm having a panic attack. I'm sorry, Dixie, I just can't do this tonight. And it used to be I'd have a little heart attack and I'd go, oh, shit, I don't have a complete show. But at some point I messaged Jeffrey and said, jeffrey, somebody fell out. Could you fill my hole tonight? And he would go, okay, what? It's like two o' clock in the afternoon, day of show. What time is soundcheck? 6:30. Okay, great. And not only would he have a story, but he would go out and hook up and create a story between 2 and 6:30. Because he likes fresh stories. He does that a lot. This story is from Jeffrey Allen Hayes.

Jeffrey Allen Hayes (4:05)

Please be seated. Okay. Okay, cool. Hi. I'm still nervous every time I've done this so many times and every time I get the worst stage fright. So I appreciate all the love. I'm hanging on to it. Thank you. Yay. So I really struggled with this theme of fuck buddies. And Dixie let me know a week ago that she wanted me on the show. And I think the reason I struggled is because I'm not used to getting that much time. Normally I get told the day of the show that I'm doing the show, and I'm like, okay, guess I gotta go fuck someone. And I'm like, oh, I have time now. What do I do with it? Like, so it's been really sitting with me and I've had time to sit with it. And I got inspiration from this story when I was doing my STI checkup. By the way, I don't have syphilis. Hooray. That wasn't really a concern, but it's still really exciting to know you don't have syphilis. So, like, I just. I made myself a little cupcake and I was like, this is my non syphilis cupcake. So. But I was sitting there filling out the paperwork, and it came to that question, how many sexual partners have you had in the past 12 months? And that's a really hard question because the answer could be 2 or it could be 313 as of 4:30pm today. So let's go over the possibilities for a second. Let's talk about how we define sex. Let me back up a little bit. I work at a sex club, and I've been really toeing the line lately because obviously I'm employed there. I cannot have sex with people who come into the sex club. That would be prostitution, which is illegal. Many people are prostitutes and do that. And, you know, that's wonderful. I personally just want to, like, not have this club deal with that legal nightmare. So I'm respecting that law. But at the same time, like, sometimes you really want to have sex with the people who are in the club. And, like, how do you toe that line? And I've been wondering, have I been having sex with the people who've been coming into the club? For example, there's this guy who came in about 45 minutes before closing. About five foot, skinny, Asian dude, had like dark hair, bright blonde highlights, really adorable, really attractive. He came in 45 minutes before closing. He wanted to know if anyone was in the club. We told him, you know, there's a couple guys in. You can take your chances or you could come back tomorrow. He said, I'm going to take my chances. I'm like my kind of guy, a risk taker. So he comes in and closing time comes around. I go upstairs to start shutting down all the rooms. Each room has a TV for porn. There's one room with a sling. Like, I just. I go through and I turn off the TVs and I open up the windows and do all that. But as I'm going upstairs, I notice that he's jacking off to the porn and he's the last guy in the club and he's all alone. And it just breaks my heart because I just really want him to get off because he took the risk and it didn't pay off. And I'm just. I'm on his team, you know. And so I just kind of, you know, walk up to him and I say, hey, I'm really sorry, but we're closing up. Can you finish it up? I'm just. I'm going to go into the other two rooms and close them up first and I'm going to come back and I need you to be done. And he's like, okay, I can do it. I'm like, okay, we got this. So I take my time leisurely closing up the other rooms. And I come in and he is jacking furiously. He is trying so hard. And I'm like, oh, the Little Engine that Couldn't. Oh, no. Oh, God. Oh, please, I want this for you. Like, come on, work with me here. And so I say like, hey, I really need you to finish. And he's like, I'm trying. And he's like, okay, I'm trying. And I'm like, oh. So I turn on all the lights and I close the curtains and I do all the things and he still hasn't come yet. And I'm cranky, honestly, because, like, I have places to be, home in bed with ice cream. And this is kind of taking up that time. And, like, I want him to come, but I also want my gosh darn ice cream. And I just get kind of angry and I just yell, will you come already? And that did it for him. So I made him come. Did I have sex with him? Scenario number two. I'm on my loop of the club. A loop is when we go through every hour on the hour, and we just make sure, you know, people are obeying the rules. We pick up towels, we throw away condoms, the usual. And I go into the shower room and there's this incredibly hot guy there. He is like 6:5, which, you know, that's nice. And he has cascading brown hair with like little auburn streaks. I'm like, hi. And I kind of like work my eyes down his body and his abs are just like, bam. And I'm like, hello. So I am into this and I want to continue to see this guy who is showering. So I decide the mirror needs to be cleaned. There's this large mirror and I have this full view of the show, and I just clean the mirror. We are not allowed to touch customers, but we are allowed to interact with them and answer questions they may have. So he says, how's your day going? I said, it's going well. How's yours? Oh, pretty good, you know. And he starts cleaning his butt and he kind of like, you know, spreads his cheek, cleans his hole, and he goes, hey, do you ever come inside? Now he means come inside the club. But there is a clear double entendre here. And I am having feelings. And I go, yeah, you know, on our breaks we're allowed to go into the club. And he's like, when's your next break? And I said, oh, I had my last one for the night. And he goes, oh. I go, but yeah, I'm around if you have any questions. He's like, any questions? I was like, yeah, ask me anything. And he asks me, who's the hottest guy who's ever fucked you and what's the craziest place you've ever had sex? By the way, that is tied to a cross in a church, which was my very first time. I don't really do things half ass. Like, I just kind of go for it. And so he starts jerking off to what I'm saying. And I'm trying to be really casual and conversational about it, but he eventually, you know, gets off to what I'm saying and then he just kind of leaves. And I go, well, that was nice. And it took less than five minutes and it's like, oh, that's very efficient. And yeah, did I have sex with him? Let's talk about the 313th guy today at 4:30pm it may have been closer to 5. Yeah, okay. Anyway, you don't care. So I was going upstairs and I was doing my loop. Oh, God, I can, I can, I can, I can. I was doing my loop. And I walk by a bunk bed, and, you know, it's up here. And I hear shouting and moaning, and someone is having a great time. And I'm like, okay, good for you. And I hear someone shout like, I'm gonna come. I'm gonna come. And he's. Then I hear this other voice, like, don't come on me. Don't come on me. And I'm like, oh, well, there's been a plot twist. And, like, there's some shouting back and forth. And the one guy is like, don't you dare come on me. Don't you do it. And he's like, oh. So he's like, fine. So he comes to the edge of the bed, and he comes. And the whole conversation was very strange to me. So I'm just kind of like, huh, you know where this is going? So it hit me square in the mouth. And my very first thought was pineapple. My second thought was what my third thought was. That is an impressive distance. And my fourth thought was very much that thought of the bird in the Flintstones of, eh, it's a living. Did I have sex with that guy? I don't. That one of those three stories is the one that I count the least. But, like, on a sexual questionnaire, that seems the most important because that's so. I don't know, like, what even is sex anymore, Right? I was really struggling with this theme and trying to come up with a story, and I came up with three mini stories, and I didn't know if any of them counted because I don't know if I had sex with any of these guys. But it never crossed my mind that the second half of tonight's theme wouldn't apply. Fucking wasn't quite. Sure buddies. Absolutely. One of the really cool things about where I work is, yeah, I get to see people fuck. And, yeah, sometimes people come in my mouth and whatever. But there's no charade around sexuality, which I feel is so, like, big. In every other job I've ever had, like, we have to pretend that we're not our whole selves, including our sexual being at work sometimes. Yeah. I don't feel that at this job. Like, I don't. And you're like, well, of course you don't. But it's not just the being able to have these sexual encounters. It's like being able to get naked and eat pizza on my lunch break with a co worker. Or, you know, going upstairs and seeing the chalkboard have a dick drawing with a secret message written just for me. Or there was this one time when there was this couple playing hide and seek in the sex club and I thought it was the cutest thing and they asked me if I wanted to join. I can be my whole authentic self at this place. And the reason for that is not just because of, you know, the difference in how they treat sexuality in this place. It's because I get to work with staff and clients who I consider to be my friends. So I don't know if I told you sex stories just now, and I'm sorry that I get to any fucking by the four minute mark in my story, but I just really wanted to share about some of the best friends I've ever had in my life. And I'm glad I got to.