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Bawdy Storytelling
Episode 65: ‘DangerSex’ (Fay Romero)
00:30:24
Watch out for Accidental Anal! Best of Bawdy 2019 winner Fay Romero clearly has a type – or so he thinks when he meets up with therapist number 3 on OKCupid. Jessica showcases all the things he enjoys in a new partner: she’s quirky, cute,...
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Transcript9 lines
- [00:08]
A
All of my life I've never fit. But I won't complain and I won't quit. I am enormous.
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B
Get used to it.
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A
Everyone tells me I'm too much. Maybe it's just you're not enough for me.
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B
Can't you see me?
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A
I'm the kind of woman I'm supposed to be. Hey. My vagina is eight miles wide. Absolutely everyone can come inside. If you're ever frightened, just run and hide. My vagina is eight miles. Why? Why?
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C
Are you feeling a bit peckish? Maybe craving something sweet? Here's a sexy idea. Try dusting your lover with Kama Sutra's soothing, sensual honey dust powder. It'll make any kiss sweeter. Cause it's created with fresh, pure honey. You can stroke it on and tease them with its handmade feather applicator and they'll feel the glow. And better yet, they'll taste delicious. Kama Sutra's been making love better since 1969. That's right, I said it. 69. And I'll have more on them and. And a way to save later on in the show. Hi there, and welcome to the Bawdi Storytelling Podcast. I am sexual folklorist Dixie de La Tour, and This is episode 65 of the podcast. How's your week going? Mine's looking up. It's been going really good. And I want to tell you a few things. I asked last week if anybody had any suggestions for sex positive songs, and I've done that once before and didn't get much response. But this time, y' all really brought it. You brought your A game, and I got some excellent suggestions and a ton of emails. In fact, this week's episode is going to be featuring one of those suggestions. And that suggestion came all the way from Reykjavik, Iceland. How fucking cool is that? When I grew up in a town with less than 400 people in it on the Blue Ridge Parkway in Virginia, and you'd have told me I'd have fans in Reykjavik, Iceland, I'd have called you a liar. But that's what my life looks like these days, and podcasting just fucking blows my doors constantly. Thank you, Sindri, for your suggestions, and I'll be thanking the rest of you for the great music that you've brought into my life and you'll be bringing into the life of our podcast listeners here at Bodi Storytelling. I'm also celebrating a little bit of a milestone this time. We are on episode 65, and that means that I have now created 30 episodes with podcast producer Marty Garciano that's almost as many as we've had out since we started a couple of years ago. So I don't know if it's obvious, but I really love working with Marty. He's got a great brain. It can be a little lonely when you create by yourself and to have somebody you can brainstorm with and to have ideas and have somebody tell you, oh, that's absolutely possible, and then not only do it, but do it better than you ever imagined it could be done. I really like working with him. You guys should send him some fan mail too. Send some fan mail to Marty for the amazing songs and a lot of the stuff that's on the podcast. He's recording special just for us. So if you like those elements, I sure as fuck do feel like them. Send Marty some fan mail and I'll forward it on to him. Are you ready for this week's story? I think you're gonna like it because it is fresh. It was recorded at our 12 year anniversary night just a couple weeks ago. This storyteller is a fashion designer, a builder, an event producer, and someone who is learning to say yes just to create wild and perverted stories. He's been creating them for Body Storytelling and as such, he is one of the winners of the Best body storytelling for 2019. He got on stage at the Verdi Club in San Francisco just a few weeks ago to tell this story. This Best of Body Storytelling winner is Fay Romero.
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B
Okay, okay, okay. You haven't even heard the story yet. Jesus. May I preface this for a second? It's absolutely an honor to be up here knowing that I have more active Facebook friends than you do. That's all of us. Thank you very much. I'm not entirely sure how many times I've been afraid for my life. There was a time I crashed my motorcycle on Highway 24 going 95 miles an hour. There was that time I tried salvia. For those of you who don't know that's a hallucinogenic herb that you smoke, I do not advise it. And there was a time I was on a first date with a woman I had met on OkCupid. It's late 2011. You could call it the pinnacle of my online dating experience. Not too long before I decided I'd just do much better meeting people in person. It seems that when you're the type of guy who writes things on your profile like, my mommy thinks I'm cute and my sister says I'm a good kisser. Yeah, People aren't entirely sure how to take You. Nonetheless, if I get a message from someone with a screen name along the lines of whiskey dick need not apply, oh, let's just say I'm a curious little kitten. So I open up the message and I'm pleased to find out that it's well written and she'd read my profile. So I jump on over to hers and I find this woman with medium length, dirty blond hair, light eyes, a fit, athletic build. She looks a little bit like the love child of Mira Sorvino and Ross from Friends. She rides motorcycles and I'm interested, so I shoot her a message. I found out her name is Jessica and we don't waste too much time bantering back and forth. Before we set a date, we decided to meet up at the Hart and Dagger Saloon in Oakland. Oakland, people, thank you. It's right by Lake Merritt. It's got a real big back patio, which is a great place to bask in the sunshine and breathe in the fresh, crisp secondhand smoke. So there we are, sitting on the patio in the clouds, you might say, and we're enjoying ourselves. We've got a lot in common. We've got the motorcycle thing. We're both parents. She's intelligent, she's witty, she's kind of quirky, she's kind of sarcastic. And I like her. She seems to like me back. And after a couple hours she invites me back to her place. And I try not to seem too eager as I oblige. And we are off. As we're entering into her large two story condo, I'm thinking, wow, she must do pretty well for herself. I ask her what she does for a living as she's opening up a fresh bottle of Johnnie Walker. She tells me she's a therapist and I go, oh, that's interesting. And by oh, that's interesting, I mean fuck me. Turns out Jessica is the third therapist in a row that I've gone out with. Apparently, I have a type. We jump on over to the couch and we're connecting. And soon enough, I'm not lying on the couch, people, yet. Soon enough we're caressing each other and then we're making out. And then all of a sudden we've groped each other down to our underwear. She's wearing this sexy little red thong, which leaves very little of the imagination. And I gotta say, I appreciate that. She invites us to move the party upstairs and we banter on up as I take in every inch of that firm runner's ass. On the way up, she lowers herself down on the bed and pulls Me down on top of her, and we make out a little bit longer. And I decide now is the time. I'm gonna bust out the secret weapon. Yeah, I'm gonna let you in on it. I know how to locate a clitoris, thank you very much. Thank you very much. I hear this can be a problem. I assume that's nobody in this room, but just in case, for the love of God, do some research when you get home tonight. So I pull her panties down and I kiss my way up her legs. And now I'm at her inner thigh, looking at this beautiful shaven pussy. Now, if you are sharing your pussy with me, I would much, much rather offer gratitude than any sort of preference. But honestly, I really enjoy seeing what I'm about to eat. So I'm happy as a clam as I go in. And I go in nice and gentle, starting with just a feather touch of my lips on hers. And then I start circling her clit with my tongue. And her body starts to let me know that we are in the right spot. She starts moving around. Her breathing is getting heavier and she is moaning. And a little while into it, her thighs close down over my ears and I can no longer hear. We go on like this for a bit, and soon enough, it starts to change. It sounds like she's saying something. She's kind of whispering. I can't tell if she's trying to tell me something or not. So I wiggle my head free just in time to hear her whisper, I love you. Oh, God. Okay. Okay. It's an intimate moment. Sometimes things just come out. She probably doesn't mean it. I'll just let it roll off my back and I keep going. Her whispering intensifies and it gets less and less intelligible. And it climaxes when I hear her say, I'm sorry, Adam. Okay, look, I'm really bad with names. I am certainly not going to judge somebody or shame somebody for also being bad with names. But I'm not entirely sure what she's apologizing for, so I figured this is probably a good time to check in. I. I'm sorry. What? Nothing. Hey, Jessica. No response. Jess, is everything okay? Yes, keep going. But this time there's a gravel in her voice I hadn't heard before, so I just dive back in. She keeps on whispering. She's saying things that I can't really understand. Most of it is quite unintelligible. She does say I love you a couple more times. That's awkward. And as it. As her speaking goes on and on, it starts to sound kind of familiar. And this is something I've seen before, but certainly not from the bedroom. So backing way up, way up. I was raised in the Pentecostal Church. Some of you know, for those of you who don't know them, are the creepy Christians. On the extreme end of the scale, they handle snakes to prove their faith. On the less extreme end of the scale, they believe in things like speaking in tongues, which are supposed to be a secret language between you and God that the devil can't understand. And I remember watching videos about backmasking, which is where you play a record backwards, listening for secret messages from the devil. And I remember being at a youth conference, watching this girl apparently getting a devil cast out of her, flopping around on the ground as she's foaming at the mouth and screaming, excuse me, expletives in a voice that sounds more like a monster than a 16 year old girl. And I'm just a little afraid because at this point in my life, I'm only about a year out of that lifestyle completely. It's pretty fresh in my mind. And as I'm sitting there having my flashback, I'm snapped out of it by her grabbing by the hips and pulling me toward her and saying, fuck me. Well, I happened to have an erection at the time, so I slip on a condom and I slide in nice and easy because she's ready to go. And as soon as I get in there, everything hits 100. It just goes right through the roof. And now she is writhing around and she's contorting her body in weird ways that seem quite uncomfortable. And her eyes are rolling in the back of her head and her head is thrashing around and she's biting her pillow. And after a little while, I start to get nervous again. And I'm sitting there slowing down, watching her, waiting for her head to start spinning around like it did in the Exorcist. And she reaches up and she digs her nails into my back and leaves eight lines of blood all the way down to my hips. And I'm not gonna lie, it was a little. And I realized something in that moment. Maybe this is kind of like an acid trip. Once that train leaves the station, it's not stopping. You can be upset, you can want to get off, but you're on the ride and the best thing for you to do is strap in and hold on and try to enjoy it. So I decided to let my own inner demons out a little bit. And at that very same moment, she yells out, fuck me. Harder. I reach down and I grab her and I pick her up and I flip her over and I throw her head down into that pillow. And I get in there from behind and we start having danger sex. You know what I'm talking about, right? That one where you know that the tiniest little move, false move, will lead to some very painful accidental anal or a bruised taint, or, God forbid, a broken dick. But I don't give a fuck. I am grabbing fistfuls of flesh as I'm pulling her down on my clock as hard as I possibly can. And now I'm making up my own words to the soundtrack and I'm growling and I'm foaming at the mouth and my. My eyes are rolling in the back of my head. And I hold on as long as I possibly can until we both come to our own screaming orgasm. Fuck, yes. And I fall down on the bed next to her in this steaming, sweaty pile of scared. And we're silent for a very long time. And after a little while, our words seem to come back to us. And after a little while, that Jessica that I met at the bar earlier seems to reappear. And when I feel it's safe, I mumble some bullshit about I got something to do tomorrow, I don't know, I just got to get the out of here. And I bolt. And I drive home like a zombie, stiff as a board and eyes without blinking. And I get home and I lock my door, and I lock it again. And when I fall asleep, finally, I sleep like the dead dead. I get up the next morning in a haze. And a little later on, she calls me. We exchanged some very awkward pleasantries. And she goes, so, about last night. And I go, yeah? She goes, I know it got a little weird, and I'm sorry about that. I go, okay. She goes, well, you see, I'm on this new seizure medication, and I just realized I'm not supposed to have alcohol with it. Oh, thank God. Okay, so we debrief a little longer, and she assures me that, yes, everything was consensual, she knew what she wanted in the bar, and yes, she loves some rough sex. And we get off the phone knowing that we're probably never going to talk again. Because there are those traumatic moments that bring you closer together, and then there are the other ones. But I learned something that day. There's a freedom in letting go. And to this day, I sure do love letting the demons out.
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A
Go down, go down, go down yeah, let me see you go to town Go down, go down Go down yeah let me see you go to town Go down, go down, go down yeah let me see you go to town yeah go down, go down, go down yeah yeah really down baby let me watch you go to town Miss you one chance baby never or now yeah let me see you go to town baby Go to town baby let me watch you go to town Miss your one chance baby never holding out yeah yeah, yeah Go down, go down, go down yeah let me see you go down, go down, go down, go down yeah let me see you go to town Go down, go down, go down yeah let me see you go to town Go down, go down, go down yeah yeah, yeah Go to town with it and she shave it all off Charlie Brown with it looking all about all the other girls sound fishy he never caught her with it's why he down with it yeah I'm telling you what this incredible this shit edible it's like chemical Kiss my genital Mine tastes medical if he gets that turn head around oh my God can you see that she need knee pads I'm a bad bitch Fuck a pee pad full of shit if he don't eat it he a D bag he could use a submarine I couldn't see baby let me watch you go to town Missing one chance baby never or now Let me see you go to town baby go to town baby let me watch you go to town Miss you one chance baby never now yeah yeah yeah Go down, go down, go down yeah let me see you go to town Go down, go down, go down in my hair but it's not on mine Cause a love free tress so look baby don't lie Cause I can believe my eyes and a man between my thighs all the time yeah I do my DIYs and it's clean but messy like a pizza Spend time on the donkey even I yeehaw Chunky monkey I beat texting peaches he text me a eggplant I text him a penis if you down boy really down baby let me watch you go to town Wish you one chance baby never or now let me see you go to town baby go to town baby let me watch you go to town Wish you one chance baby never now yeah yeah yeah Go down, go down, go down, go down, go down, go down, go down, go down, go down yeah.
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That song was Go to Town by Doja Cat suggested by Sindri in Reykjavik, Iceland. Wanna hear a story? Once upon a time, Kamasutra was one of the first companies to create foreplay products. I mean they got 50 years of pleasure under their belt because they've been making love better since 1969. Since I travel a good bit. I love the Kama Sutra weekender kit. It contains so much fun all in this sexy, portable little tin. Their original oil of love that was developed to heighten sensitivity, increase arousal, and enhance orgasms. I like orgasms. Don't you like orgasms? And these just enough portions of their spearmint Pleasure Balm Love liquid sweet almond massage oil, and yes, that delicious honeysuckle honey dust with its handcrafted feather applicator. I have no idea how they get it all to fit so easily into your carry on or your weekend getaway bag, but I really love the packaging. And right now, just because you're bawdy, you can get 20% off anything you order when you use the promo code Dixie on vibrators like the Chari. I just got one of those. And man, the things you can do with the ears on that rabbit, on their bath products, on anything. Go to Kamasutra.com and use the code Dixie at checkout to get 20% off. So you know how you're listening to this podcast for free? Well, it's not free. It costs a lot of money to put this thing out. We have to pay for music rights, podcast production, tech, and we want to grow. And all of those things take money. So if you could go to patreon.com spelled P A T R E O N dot com body and support us at whatever level, as little as $3 a month, you can ensure that we keep going and maybe even growing. That's my dream. I'd like to make bigger, better episodes. I'd like to incorporate some new ideas into the podcast. And it happens if you support us. So go to patreon.com body and thanks in advance for your support. You know what I'm really good at? I am really good at getting your party started. You know how I start your party? I invite you to a live body storytelling where you can walk up and order drinks like the cbt. Might be cock and ball torture, might be cognitive behavioral therapy. All depends on the bartender who's making your drink. You can play bango. You can ask really personal questions of people who are absolutely willing because that's one of the fun things that we do at Bodi. You win sex toys, and later on they come up and they go, what you gonna do with all them sex toys now? And there you go. I just got your party started and we haven't even talked about the important part, which is the stories that are told on stage. These stories are unlike any other somebody mentioned last week. The best storytellers in the world. I didn't say it. She said it. Are@bawdystorytelling. So here are some live shows coming up for you to get your butt to because I want to see your butt. Please don't show me your butt at a live show on March 14th. That's any minute. The theme in San Francisco is Just didn't see it coming. Right after that, this coming weekend on March 16th and 17th, I am teaching my storytelling with Dixie Live weekend storytelling retreat. It is full. It is sold out. How cool is that? There is a wait list. It's already building up, but I'd love to have your name on it because if you're ready, we'll turn around and do it again really soon on April 18th. The theme in San Francisco is gateway drug. Pitch me your story. Best way to do that voice memo, record it on your phone, upload it to dixieaudistorytelling.com I can listen to your story, start coaching you, and we'll have you on stage on April 18, right after that. I'm really excited about this Unicorn Fest. Unicorn Fest is happening on May 17th in San Francisco at the Verdi Club. I have so much fucked up stuff planned for this show. Rachel Lark's gonna be singing her unicorn song for us to kick us off. We are going to have unicorns on stage. We're gonna have stories about finding unicorns. They're not that hard to find if we can find enough to fill an entire Friday night. Right? So I hope I'll see you at any of those shows in San Francisco. Let's talk about Seattle now on April 13th. That is a Saturday night. I've never done a Saturday night in Seattle. We are doing the Grand Groupon Extravaganza. Now, Groupon has a dash in the middle, group dash on. And it's going to be group sex stories. It's going to be a Saturday night show, which means we are going to be doing extra weirdness. We are starting to plan games. We are starting to plan activities that I'm not going to tell you about because you got to be in the room if I'm going to start your party. And then on May 9th in Seattle, the theme is Libertine. I'm looking for story pitches for that one. If you have a story about being a libertine, are you free spirit? Do you like sex? Pitch me your story. Dixie bodystorytelling.com youm can find tickets for all of these events on our website bawdistorytelling.com this grateful girl wants to say thank you. Thank you to podcast producer Marty Garcia. Fucking love working with you, Marty. Thank you to Dana Hanna, our project manager, to David Grossoff, our sound engineer, to Jo Moore, our video archivist. Thank you to you. Thanks for listening. Thank you for telling friends about this podcast. You telling one person means we're gonna grow. And if our numbers go up, then we gotta continue, right? Thank you for listening to this episode of the bawdy storytelling podcast. I am sexual folklorist Dixie de La Tour. I'll have another episode for you really soon. And here's a peek at what's next. At one point I go to visit Manuel in Richmond and I get there and I notice that he has set up this elaborate Lego city and there are hot wheel cars lining the streets.