Scott Sessions (8:09)

Thank you. Thank you, Dixie. Thank you, everybody. All right, so it's Sunday afternoon, and I'm doing something I've done a thousand times. I'm masturbating, and I'm lying on a red duvet with a bright flower print, and I'm getting into it. The sun is coming through the window. It's kind of blessing me with its presence, and I'm really feeling it. I'm getting into the groove. And, guys, I've gotten really good at this over the years, so it's like, pretty good. So I'm getting into it. The pace is kind of heating up, and all of a sudden the energy in the room shifts and it kind of takes me aback, and I realize that there's somebody else in the room. And there in the room, my pants are off. I'm, you know, all of nature can See, and I figure out who it is and I realize, oh, you know, we gotta talk. Okay. I'm 10 years old and I'm in Mormon Sunday school. Yeah. And I'm listening to my Sunday school teacher, who looks like an extremely pregnant Renee Zellweger with a very bad hairstylist, telling me about marriage. One of her favorite topics. She tells me that for Mormons, marriage is extremely important. And I learned that I will probably get married to a woman in a White Castle temple, and that will be a huge deal because it's marriage in the Mormon theology that will let me achieve the highest level of heaven called the celestial kingdom. And the whole big deal about the celestial kingdom and the highest level of it is that the people who get there become gods and goddesses like our God. And that idea is actually kind of beautiful to me as a 10 year old that one day I might reach that level of progression. And with my wife, we will, you know, create planets and populate them with people the same way that planet Earth was. And I will join this long line of generations of gods, eons in the past and eons into the future, and join this eternal cycle of creation. That's the celestial kingdom. And it means a lot to me as a 10 year old. There's also something else going on. I'm 10 and I'm realizing that, yeah, marrying a girl sounds cool. I love girls. But, you know, what I'm actually crazy about is boys and girls. You know, I don't have the words to describe it, but I have a crush on like, almost every boy in the class. Patrick, Eric, Preston, John, Jeremy, they're all cool. And I think about them while playing basketball. I'm like, wow, that's so fun to watch. And I think about how they might smell after they play basketball, and it makes me feel cool. It's got a tickle in my stomach and a twitch in my groin. And I think it's probably not a godly thing to think about. All right, I'm 16 years old and I want to be the best Mormon ever. I really want to get to the celestial kingdom. So I'm doing all the stuff. I'm going to three hours of church on Sundays. I'm praying every morning and night. I'm playing piano for the church choir, which sucks and is not fun, but I'm doing it because of blessings. And I'm also going to this class in school because it's Utah and it's called seminary, where I learn about the scriptures with other kids my age during the School day. Yay. Church and state holding hands, best friends. And I really want to go to the celestial kingdom. It's the most important thing to me. But there's also something else going on, which is that I am fucking desperate for the touch of another man. And I'm finding myself staying awake at night imagining what it might be like and fantasizing. And I finally decide to make it happen. I have to. I am compelled to. So I find a guy through a telephone sex hotline that's only advertised after 11pm at night on TV. And I have to go there because there's no way I can hook up with anyone from my school. If they found out that I was gay, my life would be over. We had been told that gay men are basically the scum of the earth that they are. They don't have joy, they're probably diseased, they are superficial, and they'll probably die young. And I don't want to be that and I don't want to be associated with that. So I find a stranger. I go to his apartment. He's middle aged, he's white, he's balding, he's round in the middle. And I'm not attracted to him at all. But I go into his dingy apartment anyway. He. He touches me in ways that don't feel very good. He masturbates me until I come. I should add that I pretended that I was 18 and he pretended to believe me. That was New Year's Day. A month later, on Valentine's Day, I do it again with another guy and it's the same thing. Feel completely fucking terrible. Afterward, I was engulfed in shame and guilt. I just didn't have a good bone in my body. I could tell I was becoming that depraved thing that I was afraid of. And I didn't tell anybody for several months. Just kind of living in this. And finally I confessed it to my bishop, my church leader, who was a middle aged guy, white, balding, kind of big in the middle. And I tell him everything that happened with both guys. And I tell him that I feel so guilty. And he agrees that I am and tells me that it's going to take a long time to repent. All right. I'm 21 and the two pieces of my identity, being Mormon and gay, have not yet come together. The tension has built, right? If there was something bad at 16, at five years, and it's worse, but something is changing. I'm going to go work at a summer camp back east in Pennsylvania. It's Called Camp Lohican. And it's going to be my first time living outside of Utah, living away from Mormonism. And the cool thing about it is that it's in the mountains, it's far away from any church. And the schedule requires me to work through the weekends most of the time. So my mom gets wind of this and asks, you know, like, well, if you're working through the weekends, how are you going to go to church? And I tell her, you know, I'll figure it out. And I don't. And I work at the camp and I don't read my scriptures and I stop praying. And it's really fucking relieving to just live day to day and be kind of open to what the world has to offer. And I see what life is like outside the church. And at the end of that summer, I have my first healthy sexual encounter. Thank you. Thank you. That's how I felt. Yeah. This guy, fellow camp counselor named Jeffrey, he had this gorgeous tanned skin and blue puppy dog eyes. He was a circus arts instructor. So he was really fit and flexible. So one night I snuck into his room. He had the top private cabin in the Lohican Lodge. We were just going to make out, but the energy was right and clothes just kind of flew off. Plus, you know, the privacy thing, I hadn't had privacy for a long time, so that was really nice. And that's what was happening. I felt no guilt this time. I felt like I was a human in a human body attracted to that human body. And we touched each other and we kissed each other and we masturbated each other until we came. And it was amazing. It felt like I had touched foot on an entirely new planet after 21 years on this one. And you know what? There was a lot to explore on planet sex. And holy fuck, I wanted to do that. And it was around that time that I decided to just be done with church. I'm done with that. It doesn't feel good, and this does. And I'm done with whatever God and I had that was cool while it lasted, but we're done. We're over. I don't need you anymore. And it's also around this time that I realized maybe that I had been reaching so hard for the celestial kingdom and being the best Mormon that I could in order to fix myself. And you know what? If sex feels this good and this intimate connection with another human who finds me attractive and who I find attractive, maybe I don't need fixing. And so I decided to live like that. For a little while. Thank you. And that's how I spend the next several years outside the church, calling myself atheist or agnostic. And I get to explore the world. I see the uk, I live in Taiwan for a year and a half. I live in Canada for a while. And I really get to know different cultures, I fuck different guys, I see amazing things. But something is missing the whole time actually. No matter where I go, no matter what I see, no matter who I fuck, I rarely feel a sense of awe and I rarely feel a sense of wonder. It's all very kind of objective. I'm looking at the world and I'm not really living the world. And I thought that's all it was, you know, I thought that God thing was a delusion and it wasn't doing anything for me. You know, this is it, this is the world. This is the world of rationality and science and atheism and that's what you have to live. And that was okay, actually, it was okay. I was getting by. Then I found myself unexpectedly inside of a church when I was 26. It was the Good Shepherd Episcopal Church over in Berkeley. I didn't plan to be there, but I was there and it was actually kind of cool. It was cooler than I thought it would be. The leader of the church is called the vicar. She was a short white haired woman feminist with lefty politics. There were a bunch of queers in the congregation and two of them in particular were well known theologians who I got to know and they told me things like, you know, God has no defined gender and God doesn't follow society's rules and you can find God literally anywhere. God's always kind of waiting just below the surface. And God speaks every language, including erotic attraction. And I learned about Eros and eroticism. And I'm agnostic. I don't know what's real, but I am happily welcomed into this community. About a year after I've been going to church regularly, I'm home, I'm lying on my bed, it's a Sunday afternoon. I'm on a red duvet covered in bright flowers. My pants are off, the sun is shining. You know the story. Things are going well, heating up. I got really good at masturbating over the years. I don't know if I said that. And all of a sudden the energy shifts and things feel different and there's someone else in the room and I know it to be God. I know this because I feel different. I feel a sense of awe and wonder intrinsically in my Body and in my soul. And I feel honestly like I am floating on my back on top of this gigantic lake of unconditional. And I'm terrified and I don't know why. So I talk to God and I say, wow. Hi. It's been a while. I did not expect to see you here. But I'm glad you were here. This feels amazing. I get the sense that you want to be part of my life. And I have to think about that. I think it'd be really nice. But last time you were part of my life, some fucked up shit happened. And if you're going to come back to my life, there's conditions. And I lay these out. I say, God, if I am in a relationship with you and you start telling me to hate myself, it's done. We're not going to continue. I say, God, if we're doing our thing, if we're intimate and you start leading me to hate anybody else else, fuck it, I'm out. Okay? That's our deal. Are you cool with that? And I'm waiting. I'm waiting. And I still feel that unconditional love. And I still feel that sense of wonder. And I still feel that divine curiosity. And if you can believe it, the sun shines even brighter onto my erect penis. And if that's not a yes, I don't know what is. So we did it. We sealed the deal. And I kept on going. I touched my dick again and I'm going up and down and I'm really feeling it. And there's this energy running through my whole body. And it's different. Where before my heart and my cock were just two separate entities in different rooms of the house, now they are dancing together and they're harmonizing and singing in one voice. There's no part of me that doesn't feel loved. There's no part of me that doesn't feel sexy. There's no part of me that doesn't feel fucking horny. And I'm going at it and God's going at it. And finally we explode. And there's this beautiful joy running through my body. There's cum and blood and sex and breathing. And God is swimming through the room and swimming through me. And I finally feel that I have joined the eternal cycle of creation in that moment on this earth. And I feel fucking celestial. And you know, at the end of all this, I am left just vibrating on this red duvet covered in bright flowers and pools of semen. And it's all I can do to breathe in deeply and say hallelujah and amen.

Jefferson Berge (23:04)

If you're gay, then you're gay. Don't pretend that you're straight. You could be who you are any day of the week. You are unlike the others, so strong and unique. We're all with you. If you're straight, well that's great. You can help procreate and make gay little babies for the whole human race. Make a world we can live in where the one who you love's not an issue you cuz we're all somewhere in the middle. We're all just looking for love to change the world. But if the world stops spinning tomorrow you can't keep running away from who we are. If you're gay, then you're gay. If you're straight, well that's great. Fall in between. That's the best way to be. You got so many options. Every fish in the sea wants to kiss you. Clap a cuz we're all somewhere in the middle. We're all just looking for love to change the world. But if the world stops spinning tomorrow we can't keep running away from who we are. And we're all here in it together. We're one step closer to breaking down the walls. Everyone is hooray, hooray.

Dixie de La Tour (25:06)

That song was Everyone is Gay by A Great Big World. I feel like my life has completely changed since I started a podcast. And this podcast is possible because of the people who support it on Patreon. We're all getting to enjoy a but there are a few people who are making all the difference in the world. They're supporting the costs that are incurred, like web hosting and sound engineers and podcast producers and podcasts are free. So the people on Patreon who are supporting us are the ones who are making that happen. I want to say thank you to the people who support us and ask you to join them as well. Go to P A t r e o-n.com body p a w D Y Support us at whatever level you can. It makes a huge difference. It means that this podcast can keep going out to the people who need to hear these stories and they're not within range of a live event. That's what I've done for all these years. But now these stories, which luckily we recorded so many of them, now they can be shared with people everywhere. Thanks to the people who support us on Patreon. Thanks for listening. That epic 10 week multi city tour I just completed, that tour was sponsored in part by Open the Sex Positive dating app for the open minded Are you looking for new friends, for dates, for hookups, or for relationships? Open is unique in that you can create a solo profile, a partnered profile, or both. If you identify as kinky, as lgbtqia, as polyamorous, monogamous, a swinger, straight gender, non conforming, hetero, flexible, body, positive, you name it, Open is a place where you can truly be yourself. Open has more than 20 options for gender and sexual orientation to choose from and just as many options for relationship styles. I love that. Open donates a dollar to Planned Parenthood for every new profile created. Go to open.combodi to download the app today. That's open.comb a w d y. You love the stories that you hear here on the Bodi Storytelling Podcast and they are recorded at our live life changing in person events. You can watch strangers get on stage to tell their own well crafted curated true story and even get inspired to share your own on our stage. Bodi is all about fostering tolerance and empathy and helping you find that thing you've been looking for. So here are the upcoming shows for December for Bodi storytelling on Wednesday, December 4th in season Seattle, the theme is the Naughty Bits. We have got Sex positive legend Elena Gabosh coming back. I just got storyteller Casey Rom who you heard on a recent podcast and I looked her up. Her episode was the most downloaded episode of the podcast thus far. She's a fantastic storyteller and she will be on stage in Seattle on December 4th and then on Wednesday, December 18th in San Francisco. The theme is the Best Gift Ever. I just nailed down this queer graphic novelist who's been trotting all over the world. We have been talking for five years and Justin hall is finally going to be on my stage in San Francisco. He's going to tell his very first bawdy story for us. That's Wednesday, December 18th in San Francisco at the Verdi Club. Tickets for all of these events are on our website@bodystorytelling.com and in the show notes. And one last thing, I want to wish Happy Birthday to Jefferson Berge who's been writing custom body songs for me for four plus years. This week he is celebrating his big four zero his 40th birthday and it's a huge milestone. So I wanted to say how grateful I am especially this week for all the beautiful songs he's written for my show. Songs that you've heard like Taboo and Come for Me and songs that have been heard on the podcast and performed at our live show so many times. Happy Birthday Jefferson we love you so much. All right, we're at the end of the episode. I want to thank you for putting up with me this week, and I'm so glad that you tuned in. Hopefully you listened all the way to the end. I want to say thank you to the people who make this thing possible, the team at Bodi Storytelling, who helped me record the stories at the live shows, who helped me create videos from the live shows, and the people who make this podcast happen every single, single week. Thank you to the amazing podcast producer Marty Garcia. He's on vacation this week, so this episode will be going out late. Even though he was committed to use his vacation to make the episode come out on time, I still had no voice, so it's going out late, and it's my fault. But thank you, Marty, for being willing to keep us on schedule. You are. You are just incredible. I love working with you. Thank you to project manager Dana Hanna, to sound engineer David Grossoff, to video archivist Joe Moore, and thank you to you for listening. We've been getting some amazing reviews on Apple podcasts. I just shared one on Facebook earlier today. Somebody who does not write reviews took the time because they thought that this podcast was incredible. So if they, even though they don't write reviews, can take the time to stop and write a review for this podcast, which boosts our signal, which means that new people find us and learn about us, then I'd really appreciate it if you could do it this week. I don't know if this episode will be out in time for Thanksgiving. I kind of doubt it, but I hope you have an amazing Thanksgiving. If you're in the United States, we have a lot of international fans of the podcast, but if you're in the U.S. i hope you have an incredible Thanksgiving that you get everything you want to eat. It is one of my favorite holidays of the year. It's the perfect time to remember that just being kind to each other is the best thing you can do. It doesn't cost a cent, and it makes everybody's life better, including yours. I am sexual folklorist Dixie de La Tour, and this has been episode 99 of the Body Storytelling podcast. Here's a peek at what's next. Wow, that is hard to say. Once upon a time, I was a sex party producer, and one day a friend invited me to a storytelling event, and I'm like, that's gonna be awful. That's gonna be. That lady at the library tells stories to kids dressed up like Pocahontas. I'm gonna be pissed off. But then I went to it, and it was people telling stories about Burning man and the experiences they'd had. And I was like, this is awesome, but perverts could kick this shit up and down the street, couldn't.