← Next On Scene: The Human Behind The Brand
Next On Scene: The Human Behind The Brand
How to Create an Attractive Dating Profile that Translates!
00:25:32
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- [00:00]
Jackie Zook
Welcome back to Becoming Next on Scene, everybody. It is your host, Jackie Zook. It is another awesome day for another awesome episode of how to become Next on Scene in your field of business or in your passion. Before I bring on my amazing guests, I always like to start with a marketing tip to get your week started that can also be incorporated into, you know, self care, personal growth, journeys, all the things. Something that has come up a lot this week with people I'm talking to is creating a foundation for your entire business model. And this is for people that are definitely more in the entrepreneurial route. But in general, everyone in life has a personal brand. And your personal brand is how you leave making people feel, how people remember you. When they think about any connection to things that you do, they think of your name first. So I always say the foundation of whatever you build needs to start with your name. If you think of all the famous people out there that exist right now that have successful avenues of things that they do, people remember their name before they remember what they actually do. So just take that into consideration that as you grow and no matter what avenue you're in, it's very important to have a strong foundation for all the things that you have passions for, you know, want to pursue, you know, careers in, whatever that might be. Just remember your name will always be your strongest asset. So with that being said, definitely ties into a really fun topic we're going to talk about today. I'm so excited to have Dr. Susan Trotter back on my podcast. And if you haven't met her, she's an incredible relationship coach who also has a psychology background, hence the Dr. Susan Trotter. She has a background as a therapist and she is really helping people confidently show up, attract the right relationships in their lives, and feel confident in who they're becoming and who they're attracting. So we're so excited to talk all about dating profiles and all the things. So stay tuned for the amazing Susan Trotter.
- [02:05]
Dr. Susan Trotter
The ups, the downs, and all the in between, what it takes to become Next on Scene. Are you next? Follow us @ next on scene. Yeah. Welcome back to Behind Me.
- [02:27]
Jackie Zook
Next on Scene, everybody. I'm so excited to be back here because Susan's been on our podcast before. She's amazing relationship coach Susan Trotter, who's also has a background in psychology. Susan, welcome back to the podcast.
- [02:39]
Dr. Susan Trotter
Thanks, Jackie. I love being here with you.
- [02:41]
Jackie Zook
So excited to have you back. And we have new audience since you've been on, so can you give us a little background of how you fell into the world of psychology and relationship coaching.
- [02:50]
Dr. Susan Trotter
Yeah, absolutely. So I started my career as a clinical psychologist. I practiced as a therapist for over 20 years. And then about 11 years ago, I shifted to coaching and I work exclusively as a relationship coach now. Having the clinical background is part of what makes me unique as a coach. It's really helpful in the I do with my clients and I do a lot of different things. I work with people in relationships who want to improve communication and connection. I help people who are thinking about or going through divorce to navigate that process with more confidence and peace of mind. And then I have expertise in helping people who are single and dating learn how to successfully navigate the dating world as well.
- [03:32]
Jackie Zook
You're amazing. And I'm so excited because today we're going to talk about the fun side of what you do. So even though, like, you see all sides. Right. Which I do want to talk and dive deeper into at some point in this conversation. But when people first start going back out in the dating world again or even for the first time, you know, like going online can be intimidating. What needs to be on the profiles? All the things. So let's go through the Susan Trotter expertise of things to be have a successful dating profile. I will let you take the lead.
- [04:00]
Dr. Susan Trotter
Great. Yeah, no, I appreciate that. And I will say I work with people around dating. Like, I have clients in their 20s and I have clients all the way into their 80s, you know, so some people are kind of new to dating, just getting, you know, their feet wet with it. And other people are coming out of sometimes long term marriages either because of divorce or widowhood and trying to date after 20, 30, 40 years. So I see the whole spectrum. And interestingly, a lot of the same issues come up. Whether you're 20 something or 80 something, there's something about dating that makes everybody feel like they're 16 again. And no matter where you are in life, sometimes, like, it just brings up all the questions, all the insecurities, all the uncertainties that people have in the process. And it's a weird little world, the dating world. And there is a way to approach it that can help you to feel more confident and set you up for more success in finding whatever it is you want. So I think we're going to focus more on online dating for the moment.
- [05:04]
Jackie Zook
Exactly. Correct. Perfect.
- [05:06]
Dr. Susan Trotter
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I mean, huge fan of online dating. I think it is a great way to meet people that you might not otherwise meet in your everyday life. There are millions of people online and the majority of people out there who are single are meeting their partners online. So it is a great way to, to find whatever it is you're looking for. An online dating profile is important. It is the way that you convey you know, who you are and what it might be like to date you. And the first thing that people see is your photo. A primary photo. And people, the way the human brain works, we decide within like 2, maybe 3 seconds max, based on that photo, whether or not to open up the profile and look at whatever else you might have there. So you have two to three seconds to catch someone's attention. I say that not to make people feel intimidated because you don't have to look like a supermodel in your primary photo. What you do want to look like, though, is your best self in that photo. And an ideal primary photo is a headshot with you smiling, looking into the camera, good light eating, good resolution, just like a business headshot. Right. Except that you don't want it to look like a business headshot. You want it to look like you on your best day and show something of your personality. Right. You don't want it to just be a flat, kind of lovely photo. You want it to have some dynamic to it. But that's ideally what you want. I do recommend professional photos because they get up to four times more attention than personal photos. And I don't mean professional photos for all the photos you're going to include in your profile. But the primary one, ideally, if you can do it, is a professional one. And a professional one that brings out that personality in your, in your photo. Some people will say like, oh, well, you know, most people don't do professional ones. Why do I need to? It's like, well, do you want to stand out? If you want to stand out, the sea of the millions of other profiles, a professional photo is going to, to stand out and get more attention. So that's the first thing people need to know is what.
- [07:31]
Jackie Zook
I have a question on that thought. Because sometimes they look so stiff, I feel like I've kind of seen both sides of it. Like having done online dating prior to being married. Like, I know the world is always changing, but like, what is your thought? Because sometimes you see people doing activities that are professional photos. Like, don't.
- [07:50]
Dr. Susan Trotter
Do you.
- [07:51]
Jackie Zook
Wait, should it just be a headshot or should it actually be like more of a lifestyle ish photo?
- [07:56]
Dr. Susan Trotter
Yeah, the primary photo ideally is a headshot. Okay. Actually, yeah, because it, it. And again, like you looking in the camera, smiling like you want it to be like, big enough, you know, like a headshot is going to show more of your face. Right. If you are like, canoeing or kayaking in the middle of a lake and people can't really see you, you know, it's not gonna. It's not gonna get people's attention, you know, I mean, it might attract some of the people who are into that, but. But they're going to get kind of annoyed because they can't really see you and they're probably just going to move on. So the primary photo, which is the first thing people see, you really want it to be a headshot. Then with the rest of your profile, depending on the site or the app that you're on, you're going to have ideally anywhere from like five to eight photos. In that mix of photos, you can have a mix of personal and professional, and you can have photos that show you engaged in your hobbies. You can have a photo you with your pet. You know, more and more people are including pictures with friends, you know, which I have mixed thoughts about. I can share. But it does show kind of what your life is like. So you, you want the photos to. To reflect what it might be like to date you. I mean, that's the purpose of a profile, is to show who you are and how you're unique and what it might be like to date you. But for the primary one, you want a headshot because people want to see what you look like. And by the way, all photos should be from within the past year to max, because people want to know what you look like today. They don't care what you look like 10 years ago. And I know people sometimes use older pictures because, you know, you know, we, we look younger, you know, when we are younger. But if, if your goal is to meet somebody, they're going to meet you in person at some point and they're going to notice that you don't look like exactly the way you did 10 years ago. And it is, even though I understand why people do, is misrepresenting yourself, actually. And that's not an ideal way to start things off if you're looking for a relationship. So all pictures should be current, ideally from within the past year. So people know what you look like today.
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Jackie Zook
No, that's a great, great knock. I feel like I've totally seen outdated ones in the. Like, hilarious.
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Dr. Susan Trotter
Like you could. Yeah, no, they. You can obviously tell. And sometimes people will use for their primary one an older picture and then they'll include current ones with the rest of their Profile and the second people see the pictures, like you can tell. So I, I mean, I get it. I work, as I said, with people across the spectrum of ages and circumstances. And a lot of, I find a lot of people who are like midlife and older and particularly women are often feeling insecure because they don't look like they did when they were 20 or 30 necessarily. And there's a lot of insecurity. And I really am all about people feeling confident and empowered, not just in this process, but in their lives in general. And so I really work with people to help them be comfortable in their own skin and own who they are and love who they are. Because not only obviously is that better for them, but it's also a better place from which to date actually, you know, when you're, when you're good with yourself, it allows you and helps you to be much more selective and intentional about who you invite into your life. So that piece is important in terms of attire.
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Jackie Zook
Like, sometimes I feel like the suits that I like, they're too, they're too professional. Right.
- [11:44]
Dr. Susan Trotter
Do you feel like there needs to.
- [11:45]
Jackie Zook
Be a little bit more of a laid back in terms of dresses?
- [11:48]
Dr. Susan Trotter
Yeah. Yeah.
- [11:48]
Jackie Zook
Can you share a little?
- [11:49]
Dr. Susan Trotter
Yeah. So, yeah. So maybe I, I need to clarify, when I say a professional photo, I don't mean like a business photo. I mean like you hire a professional photographer who understands the kind of photos that a dating profile needs. And I'm always happy to talk with photographers about that and educate them, but I'm talking about hiring a professional photographer to take your photos. I'm not talking about business photos where you are in a suit with your arms crossed, you know, looking very serious. You want the photos, you know, the primary photo, like again, should represent you. Like, if you're into, you know, color, you know, colorful clothing, you know, they wear a really bright top. You know, like, if you're somebody that always wears dark clothes, wear dark clothes, you know, it doesn't need to be. And unless you're somebody who's very like always wearing a suit and very proper, like, it doesn't need to be that. And in fact, it shouldn't be that if that's not your usual everyday style. So, yeah, you want the pictures to be dynamic, to reflect your personality. You know, in the mix of photos that you have, I think it's good to have a variety, like a dressy and casual indoor, outdoor, you know, with you alone, maybe with other people or with your dog or, you know, whatever you have, you know, engage in activities. So you can have a mix of pictures, but the. But the primary one doesn't need to be. It shouldn't ideally be like, what, the same kind of picture you have on your LinkedIn profile. It's a different intention on LinkedIn than it is on a dating profile. So. So that's what you want to lead with. Like, what do I want to be conveying with this photo and my other photos about who I am and thinking about who your audience is. Obviously, if you are looking for a job and you're on LinkedIn, you want to have a certain look that's going to be consistent with the audience that you're looking for jobs with on a dating site. It's a different audience and your intention is different. So the pictures obviously are going to be different as well.
- [14:03]
Jackie Zook
No, it makes sense. Now I actually talk about the profiles themselves. So what should be there and what should not? Let's talk about it.
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Dr. Susan Trotter
Yeah, yeah. So it's such a good question. And people struggle a lot with what to put into a profile. And I will just say, first of all, it's hard to write about yourself. It actually, I'm going to take a step bigger, step back. It's hard to put yourself out there, right. I was saying, like, everybody feels like they're 16 again or 15. You know, it feels vulnerable, right, to put yourself out there. And it is hard to write about ourselves, you know, so, you know, sometimes, I mean, there are dating coaches like myself who help people write profiles. You know, there. I mean, we have AI now that can help you. You know, there are lots of different ways that you can get help. I want to just take a moment, though, to talk about the difference between a dating site and a dating app. Dating sites like Match, for example, are structured very differently from dating apps like Bumble or Hinge. And I think this piece is important because the way a site like Match is structured, it's one in which you can, you know, log into through your laptop. It's not just an app on your phone, although they do have an app, but you can log into the your laptop with it. And it's structured for people to share as much or as little information as they choose. There are prompts that you can respond to, but the main bio, it is. It is open to do whatever you want with. And so some people put in nothing. Other people write a book. There is an ideal profile length for a site like Match, which is around 2 to 300 words. You want about two thirds about you, your interests, your personality, your values, shared values, by the way, is foundational in a good relationship. So you want to incorporate and learn more about whoever you're speaking with around values, and you want to show how you're unique. If people have been online, you know, there are so many really generic profiles, like, who doesn't like walks on the beach, Right? So you want to really show the ways that you're unique and not just list out, like, I am, you know, kind, loyal, fun, and I like to do X, Y, and Z. You want to kind of tell a little bit more of a story. I often say, like, you know, everybody interprets things differently. So a lot of people might say they're adventurous. Well, what does that mean to you? Like, for some people, being adventurous might mean, you know, living in the suburbs and going into Boston for the day. And for somebody else, it might be traveling the world. Right? So instead of saying you're adventurous, you might say, I. I use this example sometimes. Like, I just came back from climbing Mount Kilimanjaro, and I'm already planning my. My next expedition. Okay? If I'm reading that profile, I know that this person is uber adventurous. And I then get to assess, like, does that work for me? Am I that kind of adventurous? Do I care if my partner is. And he's. He or she is going to be, like, traveling a lot to do these kinds of things. So it really gives more information than just a word. So that's what I mean when I say show who you are and how you're unique. But the Match profile, as I said, two thirds about you, one third about what you're looking for. That last part is what people often leave out. And that part is actually really important because people reading it are looking at what resonates for them. So it's really important for you to be clear about what kind of person and what kind of relationship you want. And again, avoid the generic kind of things. So that's ideally like a profile, as you might see on a site like Match, on a dating app like Bumble or Hinge, you have a limited number of characters to say the same thing. You still somehow need to incorporate who you are, what makes you unique, something about values, what you're looking for, but you have very little space to do it. So on Bumble, I can't remember exactly how many characters, but it's like a little. You get a little window, maybe three or four sentences, and that's it. And on Hinge, for example, there are prompts. You get to choose three prompts, and then again, it's limited in how much you can say. So you really need to pack a punch and grab people's attention. And so I think, I think it's easier to write a longer personally, a longer profile where you don't have to be so limited than it is sometimes to write a profile on a site like Bumble or Match. I'm sorry, Bumble or Hinge.
- [19:01]
Jackie Zook
Yeah, no, I have a follow up question to that. Do you have recommendations based on which app or like website is good for who? Like in terms of. I would love your feedback with that.
- [19:12]
Dr. Susan Trotter
Yeah, absolutely. So for people who are brand new to online dating or who have tried it and haven't had a good experience with it, I tend to recommend that they start with a site like Match, which allows for people to, to share more information. And the reason is that everything people present to you is information. And part of your job is to like, you know, kind of gather that information. Like you're a researcher, like you're gathering data and looking at what it's telling you. On a site like Match, you have more data. You know, whether people share information or not, you know, like it's all information for you that helps you assess whether they're a good quality person, whether they're a potential fit for you, and whether or not you want to take a next step, you know, in reaching out to them or meeting them and so forth. So again, for people who are brand new to the, to the dating world or haven't had a great experience with it, I tend to recommend sites like that. You know, on apps, again, you just have so little to go on and people don't always understand how to use the messaging. With online dating as a way to gather more information, they kind of think of it as texting and they write in shorthand and they don't actually get enough information through the messaging before meeting people. And the challenge with that is that, that people are meeting. Some people like to meet in person because they want to see if there's chemistry. I get that. But if you are going to meet people and you don't know at the very least that they're a decent person and that there might be some things in common, then you're going to end up just, it's a numbers game. You're inevitably going to end up disappointed over and over again. And not just like, we're not interested, but, you know, people are going to not show up. They might show up drunk, they might treat the wait staff horribly. You know, they might just be really not a good person. Or too totally weird or whatever. And the challenge with that is that if you keep having those kinds of experiences over and over, you're going to feel frustrated, you're going to feel disheartened. Disheartened. You're going to be angry, you're going to be, you know, negative about the whole process and you're going to take all those feelings back into the process. When you get back online and how you are feeling, your mindset about all of this matters. And it will impact the experience you have. It'll impact how you look at people, how you engage with people and the outcome that you get. It's just how it works. Right? Like what we put out is what we get back. Like if we're feeling really crappy about all of this, we're probably going to have a crappy experience. It just happens that way. So I really encourage people to make sure to use the messaging as a way to gather more information. Like I'm not talking about asking them what their deepest, darkest secret is, but like ask open ended questions. You know, somebody's from the Midwest and now they're in Boston. Like what brought you to Boston? Who's in your family? What made you decide to become a social media expert? You know, like, you know, like ask open ended questions. Because not only will you get information, like the content, like what they tell you, but how they respond gives you information. Do they answer your question? Do they answer in one word answers? Or are they more expansive? Do they ask you questions? Are you feeling like you're the one making all the effort to keep the conversation going? You know, like, like there's so much information you can get from the messaging if you know how to use it. So I kind of went off a little bit in a different direction from your question, but that piece is actually really important. Yeah.
- [23:01]
Jackie Zook
Because I also then it, it feels less narcissistic if you're actually like sharing what you're looking for.
- [23:07]
Dr. Susan Trotter
Right.
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Jackie Zook
It's not just I'm sharing.
- [23:08]
Dr. Susan Trotter
All right.
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Jackie Zook
Like I actually want to meet somebody and learn about you. Right?
- [23:11]
Dr. Susan Trotter
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Right, Right.
- [23:15]
Jackie Zook
So tell people like what is their next steps with Susan? So if this is like their next step step with you, like what do they need to do? How do they get in touch with you? All things.
- [23:24]
Dr. Susan Trotter
Yeah, sure. So I can be reached by email@susan trotter phdmail.com you can find me online. I have a website under susantratterphd.com I'm also everywhere. I'm in a lot of different groups and organizations. So you can google me and find me, you can reach me by phone as well and on all social media platforms. And if people are interested, I offer a complimentary consultation as a starting point, just a chance for us to chat and for me to learn more about them and their situation and assess how I can be helpful to them. And if they want to work together, then we'll talk about what that might look like for dating clients. I do everything from helping people launch online dating profiles. I get in the weeds, help them assess profiles and help them with messaging and really just guide them all the way through. So I work with people in a really concrete way and then I also coach people kind of more higher level, like looking at patterns and you know, what are, what are the things that maybe have gotten in the way in the past? Are those things coming up now? Let's look at them and work through those so that they don't keep interfering in finding whatever it is people are looking for. And then I do offer obviously a consultation for anybody who's interested in coaching outside of dating as well.
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Jackie Zook
So Susan is the best. Anyone listening?
- [24:49]
Dr. Susan Trotter
Thank you.
- [24:50]
Jackie Zook
She is your woman for all things relationships, no matter where you are, truly. And I just want to thank you so much for coming on today. So reach out to Susan. Anyone? Thank you so much for joining.
- [25:01]
Dr. Susan Trotter
Susan.
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Jackie Zook
You are a pleasure.
- [25:02]
Dr. Susan Trotter
Thank you. Always a pleasure to be with you. Jackie, thanks so much for having me.
- [25:07]
Jackie Zook
Of course. I learned so many nuggets today. I'm always inspired by you. So thank you and thank you for tuning in to becoming next on scene. And stay tuned for who's next. Next on scene.
- [25:18]
Dr. Susan Trotter
Are you next? Follow us at Next on scene.