Before We Go – Alexandra Breckenridge Shares Her Grief

Podcast: Before We Go
Host: Dr. Shoshana Ungerleider
Guest(s): Alexandra Breckenridge, Dr. Wendy Lichtenthal
Date: November 20, 2025

Main Theme

This episode centers on the actor Alexandra Breckenridge’s personal experience with intense loss and grief. In an intimate conversation, Dr. Shoshana Ungerleider and Alexandra share honest reflections about living with mortality, the messiness of grief, and how repeated losses can shape a life. Clinical psychologist Dr. Wendy Lichtenthal joins to help contextualize Alexandra’s story, exploring how people coexist with grief and what it means to share vulnerability in the public eye. The candid, compassionate tone invites listeners to confront difficult truths and find meaning within their own pain.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Alexandra's Story: The Near Loss of Her Son

• Early Trauma (01:19 – 03:49):
  Alexandra recounts the harrowing experience of her infant son Jack’s leukemia diagnosis, describing the shock, the isolation, and her instinct to brace for the worst.

  • "Throughout those first days, I thought he was gonna die, and I assumed he was gonna die... I kept asking the doctors, what percentage does he have of living? What do I need to know? How much do I hold on? Or how much do I prepare myself?"
    — Alexandra, 03:06

• Lingering Impact (04:49–04:55):
  Though Jack survived and is now thriving, Alexandra acknowledges a persistent sense of loss and trauma.

  • "My body, it lives in me somehow that there was a death of my child."
    — Alexandra, 03:49

• Challenging Assumptions About Grief (05:00):
  Dr. Ungerleider and Dr. Lichtenthal discuss anticipatory grief, where caregivers begin mourning at the moment of diagnosis, long before any outcome is clear. Wendy frames this as a “dance”—weighing hope against despair.

  • "Grief in the cancer sphere begins for most people at the moment you get that diagnosis..."
    — Dr. Wendy Lichtenthal, 05:10

Losses Layer Upon Losses

• Early Loss, Trauma Bonding (12:34–13:09):
  Alexandra’s first experience with loss was the suicide of her childhood crush, with whom she’d shared bullying and ostracism.

• Young Adulthood (13:23–15:02):
  Her boyfriend died suddenly at age 30 from heart failure; his mother died just two years later from the same condition.

  • “It was like every time you felt like you got your feet on the ground again, somebody else would go. You become really, really aware of your own mortality when you've experienced so much loss and so much death. I started having panic attacks and was really, horribly terrified of dying. It felt like it came every two years.”
    — Alexandra, 14:25

• Parental Loss & Complicated Grief (15:02–20:25):
  Alexandra’s relationship with her mother, Nan, was deeply troubled by her mother’s alcoholism, mental illness, and abuse. After five years of estrangement, her mother’s death triggered ambivalence; Alexandra processed this through self-guided introspection, ultimately finding empathy for her mother's traumas.

  • “I had to see her as an individual person, not just my mother… I realized what I needed to do was just look at her. Who is she? ...How can I understand that and give empathy to who she was as a person?”
    — Alexandra, 17:35-18:30

  • "I’m not a hippie dippy person, but it was very profound..."
    — Alexandra, 20:25 (On reading "Cutting the Ties That Bind")

Living with Grief & Mortality

• Fear of Death (21:15–22:36):
  Repeated losses made Alexandra acutely aware of mortality, leading to panic attacks and a lasting fear of death.

  • "Now you have a new data point that bad things can happen. And people do die. But it doesn't have to be like that forever."
    — Dr. Wendy Lichtenthal, 21:26

• Integration vs. 'Healing' (35:55–42:58):
  Dr. Lichtenthal explains that grief is not something to be "healed" or "resolved" but rather integrated—coexisting with it, finding new meaning as the losses accumulate. She introduces the concept of "bereavement overload"—when new losses occur before a person can adapt to previous ones.

  • “It's not that time itself is doing it. It takes time to have that adaptation process unfold. But if your process gets totally interrupted by yet another loss, that's what we mean by bereavement overload...”
    — Dr. Wendy Lichtenthal, 35:55

  • "Grief doesn't end. Right. It's ongoing. So I stopped using [words like ‘healing’]..."
    — Dr. Wendy Lichtenthal, 42:07

• Rejecting Clichés (06:58):
  Alexandra challenges conventional wisdom:

  • "You know that term, time heals all wounds? ...It’s cute. ...I don't know that it's accurate."
    — Alexandra, 06:58

Grief in Public and Parasocial Relationships

• Grief and Performance (10:26–12:00):
  Starring as Mel Monroe in Virgin River, Alexandra channels her own grief experiences into her acting, which both mirrors her real life and gives her a way to process loss publicly.

  • "I knew what this character was going through because I had lived a lot of it."
    — Alexandra, 11:33

• Sharing Loss on Social Media (26:43–28:33):
  Alexandra describes sharing another devastating loss—the suicide of her close friend—on Instagram, using her platform to break stigma around mental health and invite others to feel less alone.

  • "I really wanted to talk about mental health and talk to the people that are feeling alone and feeling isolated and feeling suicidal... what I really wanted to say was this is something I just experienced and you're not alone."
    — Alexandra, 27:32

Making Meaning & Helping Others

• Grief as Meaning-Making (30:06–33:24):
  Dr. Lichtenthal shares insights from Viktor Frankl about how people strive to create meaning from suffering, choosing their attitude and response, and the necessity of validation.

  • “When all has been taken from you, when your freedom has been taken from you... the last vestige of human freedom and the thing that we always have control over is our ability to choose our attitude in the face of suffering.”
    — Dr. Wendy Lichtenthal, 31:05

• Parasocial Grief Support (33:32–35:02):
  The importance of public figures responsibly modeling honest grief is explored, including its impact on fans and the risk of perpetuating harmful myths.

  • "It's grief education... the idea that we're talking about grief, that is amazing."
    — Dr. Wendy Lichtenthal, 34:26

Responsible Grief Representation

• The Power & Risk of Media (39:10–41:57):
  Honest portrayal of grief in shows like Virgin River provides viewers with validation and models healthy ways to express pain—but there’s a danger when TV or public figures reinforce overly simplistic or harmful concepts (like the “stages of grief”).

  • “We don't stay in an acute, like, state of pain eternally. So when you see someone on TV go to the depths of that pain and then exhale like that. Modeling as well can be really powerful.”
    — Dr. Wendy Lichtenthal, 40:59

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Surviving and Still Grieving:
  "My body, it lives in me somehow that there was a death of my child… and I'm so grateful and lucky and thankful that he stayed, and I get to experience him as a person."
  — Alexandra Breckenridge, 03:49, 04:35

• On the Myth of Time Healing All Wounds:
  "It's cute. It's a great idea. I love it. I don't know that it's accurate."
  — Alexandra Breckenridge, 06:58

• On Empathy for Her Mother:
  “Of course she melted. Of course she was isolated... I just. I felt sad for her.”
  — Alexandra Breckenridge, 18:00

• On 'Self-Therapizing':
  "I do a lot of that and I talk to myself a lot and I try to understand what I'm going through and okay, we've... I just was reactive to this and why was I reactive to this? ...that's sort of a constant thought process that I go through."
  — Alexandra Breckenridge, 20:31

• On the Responsibility of Public Grief:
  "It's all about being careful with the languaging, honoring the individuality and not being prescriptive, but also welcoming things like, you know, pain is pain and that sometimes you don't know what someone's going through. Those kinds of bigger messages that can be liberating."
  — Dr. Wendy Lichtenthal, 38:20

• Alexandra’s Advice on Grief:
  “Your grief is your own and you'll move through it how you move through it.”
  — Alexandra Breckenridge, 43:27

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:19: Alexandra describes the night her son was diagnosed with leukemia
• 03:49: Alexandra on anticipatory grief—her sense of impending loss
• 05:10: Dr. Wendy Lichtenthal on when grief truly begins in cancer families
• 10:26-11:41: Playing Mel Monroe and channeling real pain through acting
• 12:34: Alexandra’s first experience of losing a peer to suicide
• 13:23: The loss of her boyfriend and his mother
• 15:02: Complicated grief after her mother’s death
• 17:35: Forgiving her mother by seeing her as a wounded individual
• 20:31: Alexandra on ‘self-therapizing’ instead of formal therapy
• 21:26: Dr. Lichtenthal on how repeated loss can shatter our sense of safety
• 26:43: Public grieving and suicide loss on social media
• 30:06: Dr. Lichtenthal on meaning-making after loss
• 33:32: What are parasocial relationships and why do they matter for grief?
• 34:26: The power of public grief as education
• 35:55: Bereavement overload explained
• 38:20: The importance of nuance and caution when discussing grief publicly
• 40:59: How honest TV portrayals of grief can facilitate healing for viewers
• 43:27: Alexandra’s advice: grief is individual

Conclusion & Takeaways

This episode gives an unvarnished look at living with loss, not as a journey with a clear beginning and end, but as an ongoing, evolving part of life. Alexandra Breckenridge’s willingness to share her pain—both on screen and off—offers listeners permission to grieve in their own way, at their own pace. Dr. Wendy Lichtenthal’s insights affirm that finding meaning is possible, but it’s never prescriptive or easy. Together, their conversation destigmatizes emotional suffering, reminds us of the strength in vulnerability, and underscores that even amid overwhelming loss, community and understanding are possible.

For those grieving, or simply seeking to better understand big feelings, Alexandra’s story offers empathy, authenticity, and the gentle reminder: you are not alone.