Podcast Summary: "Nikki Boyer Learns to Let Go"

Podcast: Before We Go
Host: Dr. Shoshana Ungerleider
Guest: Nikki Boyer (with guest psychologist Dr. Jessica Zucker)
Release Date: November 13, 2025

Episode Overview

In this deeply personal and moving episode, Dr. Shoshana Ungerleider sits down with Nikki Boyer, host and creator of the acclaimed podcast Dying for Sex, to explore Nikki’s journey through infertility, pregnancy loss, and the intertwined griefs of losing her best friend, Molly. Through honest conversation, Nikki shares the heartbreak and ultimate acceptance that shaped her life's path, highlighting the redemptive power of friendship, love, and self-discovery. Psychologist Dr. Jessica Zucker lends her expertise in pregnancy loss, shame, and grief, providing both context and comfort.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Nikki’s Journey with Pregnancy Loss

• First Pregnancy & Loss
  • Nikki recalls the day she told her mother she was pregnant (01:39). The pregnancy felt “spiritual and miraculous” (01:41) but ended in miscarriage after less than a month, the first of many such losses.
• Multiple Miscarriages
  • Over four years, Nikki experienced six miscarriages, moving from initial grief to numbness as the losses accumulated. “I think I was naive enough to think, well, oh, this will work, right? Cause what's the other side of that? I hadn't even really thought of that as an option.” – Nikki (11:05)
• Fertility Treatments
  • After several miscarriages, Nikki and her husband Tommy embarked on an arduous and expensive IVF journey.
    • Despite physical and emotional tolls, as well as financial costs (“three failed IVFs was like purchasing a car, a very expensive car” – Nikki, 37:34), Nikki felt compelled to keep trying until she was “completely tapped out” (37:58).
    • The process included moments of hope (“I did hear the wonderful compliment that I had the ovaries of a 25-year-old” – Nikki, 12:41) and devastating disappointment when “there were no viable embryos out of all of those. And I was so crushed…” (13:25)
• The Tipping Point
  • After her sixth miscarriage, Nikki reached clarity that her journey to parenthood was over:
    • “I was in my bathtub…it was filled with blood. I was just sitting there, trying to get some relief…And I kept thinking, like, why am I fighting so hard for this? …and I got really clear with my husband. I was like, that's what I need to focus my love and attention on.” – Nikki (19:50)

2. The Power of Friendship: Nikki and Molly

• Mutual Support During Difficult Times
  • While Nikki was struggling to create life, Molly was facing terminal cancer. The two women’s parallel journeys became the heart of Dying for Sex, their podcast (“Molly always said, as I've been fighting to save my life, you have been fighting to create a life.” – Nikki, 06:30).
  • Molly’s response to Nikki’s journey was characterized by deep presence and empathy: “She was incredibly engaged and understanding…man, she leaned in hard and was like, what time’s your appointment?...She understood the ups and downs of health stuff, unlike, really anybody else.” – Nikki (11:52)
  • They often used dark humor to cope with their situations (“I'm so sorry. I'm a little tied up right now. I'm in a diaper. And she was like, blah, blah, blah, excuses, excuses...” – Nikki, 15:16)
• Lessons from Molly’s Facing of Mortality
  • Nikki learned from Molly’s vulnerability: “Watching her be so vulnerable…she just didn’t give any Fs, and I loved that. Watching her do that in those last, you know, months of her life, I was like, God, I don't want to wait. That I don't want to wait. Just say it…” – Nikki (05:35)
  • After Molly’s passing, Nikki felt her continued presence: “I think she is, actually. …I could feel her. …She really is your soulmate.” – Nikki (40:34)

3. The Psychological Toll of Infertility and Loss

• Obsessive Drive & Loneliness
  • Nikki describes being “so driven, mildly obsessed with, like, getting through it. No, let me rephrase that. I wanted to get over it. And I knew over it just meant, let's have another pregnancy.” (16:29)
  • Despite her husband’s support, Nikki experienced profound isolation (“It always still felt like I was on an island, you know?” – Nikki, 14:35)
• Grief and Acceptance
  • Acceptance wasn’t immediate, but came from deep self-inquiry: “What is this really about?...I got really clear…I was like, that's what I need to focus my love and attention on.” (19:50)
  • On living with the outcome: “It’s like a sliver of the pie...But I think this grief is about the sadness of what I had to go through and the deep, like, reconciliation that I had to come to. But it's not so much about not getting a child, and I'm clear about that. I feel at peace with it.” (35:54)

4. Expert Perspective: Dr. Jessica Zucker on Pregnancy Loss and Breaking the Silence

• Personal and Professional Wisdom
  • Dr. Zucker shares her personal experience with miscarriage (“16 weeks into my second pregnancy, I had a miscarriage. While I was home by myself, I had to cut the umbilical cord. …I ended up undergoing an unmedicated DNC.” – Dr. Zucker, 26:36)
  • She advocates for dismantling silence and shame around pregnancy loss (“I worry that too many women are feeling alone when they don’t have to. …If we can get people talking …maybe people will feel less badly about themselves or less afraid, to be honest.” – Dr. Zucker, 32:54)
• What Helps Someone Who’s Grieving?
  • “All we need to say is, I'm here for you. I care about you. If you want to talk about your situation, your story, your pain, I want to listen.” – Dr. Zucker (30:22)
  • She describes the compounded anxiety of repeated loss: “You're just lodged into a whole other field of feelings and fear and sometimes isolation, because you don’t really know who’s going to get it...” (31:34)

5. Redefining Happiness and Moving Forward

• Reconstructing a Life of Meaning Without Motherhood
  • Nikki shares how she moved from anguish to peace: “I had to get really clear with myself of what does happiness and success and love and relationship look like without being a mother. And I got to a place where, like, I'm really—like, I'm really okay with it.” (36:54)
  • On regrets: “I mean, I'd love my thousands of dollars back. …But in all honesty…I did it as long and as much as I could until I tapped out, so I don't really have any regrets. And would I do it again? Yeah, probably.” (37:28)
  • Central to her healing was her relationship: “That was the moment that shifted in me where I was like, I think this is the—I think this is the end of the road.” (21:54)

6. The Legacy of Friendship: Molly’s Continued Influence

• The episode closes with reflections on Molly’s enduring presence in Nikki’s life and marriage (“After we had our wedding…he said to me, gosh, Molly’s everywhere. …She really is your soulmate.” – Nikki, 40:34)
• Nikki’s husband, Tommy, is described as “so awesome…he’s my baby” (41:13), a reminder that love and meaning persist even as dreams shift shape.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Recurrent Loss and Determination:
  • “I see how women get obsessed with this and how it becomes, like, just who you are and you lose sight of everything else that's going on in your life.” – Nikki (16:29)
• On Molly’s Impact:
  • “Watching her be so vulnerable and open. …she just didn't give any Fs, and I loved that.” – Nikki (05:35)
• On Letting Go:
  • “That's my baby. That's what I have to focus on, that relationship. Because he's the reason I wanted to have a baby.” – Nikki (20:25)
• On Redefining Self and Happiness:
  • “I had to get really clear with myself of what does happiness and success and love and relationship look like without being a mother. And I got to a place where, like, I'm really—like, I'm really okay with it.” – Nikki (36:54)
• On What Helps Someone Grieving Loss:
  • “All we need to say is, I'm here for you. I care about you. If you want to talk about your situation, your story, your pain, I want to listen.” – Dr. Jessica Zucker (30:22)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Nikki’s first experience with pregnancy and loss: 01:39–02:08
• Exploring infertility and recurrent miscarriage: 02:40–06:30
• Creating Dying for Sex & supporting Molly through terminal cancer: 04:11–06:30
• Fertility treatments and their toll: 09:53–16:29
• Molly and Nikki’s friendship during parallel struggles: 11:52–15:16
• Nikki’s breaking point and moment of acceptance: 19:50–21:54
• Dr. Jessica Zucker’s personal story and advice: 26:36–32:54
• Grieving and redefining identity after loss: 35:54–36:58
• Acceptance, regrets, and advice to others: 37:28–39:30
• Legacy and Molly’s ongoing influence: 40:34–41:42

Tone & Style

The conversation maintains a candid, vulnerable, and often humorous tone despite the gravity of its subject matter, reflecting Nikki’s and Molly’s coping mechanisms. Dr. Ungerleider provides gentle, empathetic guidance throughout, and Dr. Zucker’s contributions ground the discussion in psychological expertise and compassion.

Conclusion

“Nikki Boyer Learns to Let Go” bravely explores the messy intersections of hope, grief, friendship, and acceptance. Through Nikki’s story and Dr. Zucker’s insights, listeners are invited to consider what it means to let go of deeply held dreams, how to support those in profound pain, and how love—of friends, partners, and self—can light a path through unimaginable loss.