Before We Go Podcast: Episode - "You Think You Have Time"
Release Date: December 3, 2024
Introduction to the Journey
In the emotionally charged episode titled "You Think You Have Time," Dr. Shoshana Ungerleider, host of Before We Go, opens up about her deeply personal experience navigating her father's terminal cancer diagnosis. Joined by her husband Ed and sister Ariel, Shoshana explores the multifaceted journey of facing mortality, the intricacies of hospice care, and the profound lessons learned through love, loss, and family bonds.
Decision to Enter Hospice Care
The episode begins with Shoshana recounting a pivotal moment in her father's illness:
Shoshana Ungerleider [00:03]: "Once my father made the decision to go on hospice care, a lot of things changed for the better."
This decision marked a significant shift in Steven Ungerleider's (Shoshana's father) approach to his terminal cancer, related to a BRCA genetic mutation. While the diagnosis offered hope through new, targeted therapies, it also highlighted the genetic risks for Shoshana and Ariel.
Transformation Through Hospice
Ed, Shoshana's husband, shares his perspective on the positive changes observed after entering hospice:
Ed [00:13]: "I remember the last days with him as by far the happiest days I'd seen him since he was sick."
Steven began to exhibit behaviors reminiscent of his younger, more vibrant self—enjoying meals, engaging in playful banter, and actively participating in musical sessions. Shoshana adds:
Shoshana Ungerleider [00:34]: "Some of his college friends came to visit. They'd been friends for, I guess, 50 something years."
Ariel echoes these sentiments, noting the rejuvenated spirit her father displayed:
Ariel [01:25]: "He was in great spirits. He had energy. He was cracking jokes, telling old timey stories."
Strengthening Family Bonds
As Steven's condition improved in certain aspects, the family took the opportunity to strengthen their bonds. Ariel and Shoshana spent more quality time with their father, engaging in meaningful conversations and shared activities. Video messages from friends and family became a cherished way for Steven to say his goodbyes:
Shoshana Ungerleider [01:46]: "We asked friends and family to send video messages... I think he got to say goodbye to the people that were important to him."
Contemplating a Death Doula
Despite the family's preparedness, Shoshana reflects on a missed opportunity to involve a death doula earlier in the process:
Shoshana Ungerleider [06:48]: "We just didn't think about it at the time. Maybe her upstream thinking about all that was right."
A death doula, akin to a birth doula, provides non-medical support to the dying and their loved ones, facilitating discussions about legacy and offering emotional support during the transition.
Encounter with Rabbi Steve Einstein
A significant turning point in Steven's end-of-life journey was meeting Rabbi Steve Einstein, a hospice nurse with a profound understanding of Jewish end-of-life rituals. Shoshana recounts their serendipitous meeting:
Shoshana Ungerleider [04:50]: "This is our hospice nurse Steve Einstein. We only met him that one time, but we tracked him down for this podcast."
Rabbi Steve played a crucial role in honoring Steven's Jewish heritage, guiding the family through rituals such as the washing of the body and the Kaddish prayer. His compassionate approach provided the family with spiritual comfort and closure.
Final Moments and Farewell
The episode delves into the family's experience during Steven's final hours. Ed describes the emotional atmosphere:
Ed [16:27]: "I just went in and put the piano over next to him and talked to him and told him that I loved him and just played."
Shoshana shares the heart-wrenching moments leading up to Steven's passing:
Shoshana Ungerleider [22:30]: "In his last hour, I sat with him by myself and just said, I love you and it's okay to go."
Rabbi Steve's presence during these final moments was pivotal, offering symbolic gestures that provided a sense of peace:
Steve Einstein [32:24]: "I like to kind of take a tally of all the important people in somebody's life... then I pick that number of flowers for somebody and lay those flowers on the patient's body."
Reflections, Regrets, and Lessons Learned
In the aftermath of Steven's passing, the family grapples with feelings of regret and contemplation about their decisions:
Ariel [40:53]: "I wish I would have been more forceful with him about going somewhere where he could get the best care possible."
Shoshana reflects on the complexities of their journey:
Shoshana Ungerleider [39:29]: "I have no regrets about spending those, you know, eight months seeing him almost every day and helping to take care of him."
She emphasizes the importance of embracing imperfection and finding beauty in the imperfect moments:
Shoshana Ungerleider [40:35]: "Looking back on everything that we went through with my dad, do you have any regrets or things that you wish we would have or could have happened?"
Embracing Mortality and Moving Forward
As the episode concludes, Shoshana shares profound insights on mortality and living in the present:
Shoshana Ungerleider [44:25]: "I just want to say in closing, you know, we're all terminal, right? Like regardless of whether we have a diagnosis or not."
Her commitment to End Well, a nonprofit dedicated to reshaping society's approach to end-of-life care, is further solidified through her personal experiences. Shoshana underscores the necessity of grace, presence, and sincere connections during life's most challenging moments.
Closing Thoughts
"You Think You Have Time" is a heartfelt exploration of love, loss, and the human experience in the face of mortality. Through raw honesty and vulnerability, Dr. Shoshana Ungerleider invites listeners to reflect on their own lives, relationships, and the legacies they wish to leave behind. This episode serves as both a tribute to Steven Ungerleider and a beacon of hope for those navigating the complexities of end-of-life care.
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