Waking Up | EP 10 | Saskia's Story

Summary

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Betrayal Season 5, Episode 10: "Waking Up | Saskia's Story"

Podcast: Betrayal | iHeartPodcasts & Glass Podcasts
Date: April 2, 2026
Host: Andrea Gunning

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Episode Overview

In this powerful episode, host Andrea Gunning takes listeners through the aftermath of "D-Day"—the day Saskia Inwood discovered the truth about her husband Mike’s secret life and the crimes he committed against her. The narrative explores Saskia's shock, her path through justice and healing, and the ongoing process of reclaiming her agency and finding connection after profound betrayal. Central themes include the myth of the "perfect victim," what it means to be brave, and how healing takes many forms.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Day Everything Changed

• Saskia recounts "D-Day", when her world exploded after discovering her husband's crimes.

  "Our life blew up on April 11th. April 2022 is when D Day happened and everything disappeared."
  — Saskia (04:03)

• The immediate impact was devastating, not just for Saskia, but for her children and community.

  "All of this blew up our life, our kids' lives, our community."
  — Andrea Gunning (04:11)

2. Bravery in the Aftermath

• Andrea shares her own history with sexual violence and how, like Saskia, she struggled with self-blame before finding clarity and moving forward (05:45).

• Saskia’s ability to see Mike's actions for what they were, and to stand up to him, is rare among survivors.

  "He said, I guess we're both a little bit crazy. I said, no, no, I have mental health issues. You're a predator and you're a monster."
  — Saskia (07:01)

• Prosecutor Ashley Enderfirth reflects on the everyday forms of bravery:

  "Sometimes bravery is just getting up the next morning and living your life."
  — Ashley Enderfirth (08:30)

3. The Hard Work of Healing

• Saskia now defines bravery not as fighting, but as rebuilding her daily routine: caring for pets, returning to work, and discovering herself outside of old roles.

  "Seven years ago, I was like a baby just starting out, just learning to crawl… For me to get my agency back and be able to do what is good for me is where my power lies now."
  — Saskia (10:05)

• Her sister Marisa and friends remark on her transformation from dependence to agency:

  "She's standing alone, she's doing life, she's creating her own stability now."
  — Marisa (11:05)

• However, increased self-protection has led to some isolation:

  "I feel like I've started spending most of my time alone."
  — Saskia (11:19)

4. The Walls Up: Safety vs. Isolation

• Saskia describes the difficulty in trusting anyone after Mike:

  "I don't think that I can ever trust anybody… How can I ever get to the point where I truly don't fear that?"
  — Saskia (13:26)

• Despite moments of vulnerability during podcast production, Saskia ultimately chose to see the project through as an act of reclamation:

  "I feel like this was the journey that was put in front of me and I was gonna see it through regardless of how difficult it."
  — Saskia (14:56)

5. Therapy and Facing the Past (20:27–29:32)

• Psychotherapist Jessica Baum begins working with Saskia, helping her address not just the trauma, but her childhood roots for seeking validation and safety (20:27).

• Saskia identifies patterns from her upbringing—neglect, anxiety, and the search for acceptance—that made her vulnerable to someone like Mike.

  "Mike was really the first person that I thought actually loved me and was safe."
  — Saskia (26:13)

• Jessica Baum explains:

  "Your inner child is projecting the perfect parent onto this person… The truth is your attachment needs were still underneath the surface."
  — Jessica Baum (27:23)

• Saskia affirms her new independence:

  "I don't need saving... I feel like I need to be able to trust myself before I'll be able to trust anybody else."
  — Saskia (28:09, 28:29)

6. Connection, Vulnerability, and Community (33:00–43:35)

• Over time, Saskia lets her podcast team and others in, learning to trust again:

  "The support that I felt from working on this podcast, it's been something that I've never felt before. The empathy and the understanding… it was just what I needed to deal with it and heal."
  — Saskia (33:54)

• Jessica encourages her to extend this trust to others in her life, focusing on genuine connection instead of seeking external solutions:

  "The way to heal this, Saskia, is now through the work with me, but also other people who you can be vulnerable with, who see you, who hold this sadness with you."
  — Jessica Baum (34:42)

• Saskia confides in her sister Marisa, and gradually allows herself to be supported:

  "I've always put a lot of pressure on myself not to show how much pain I'm in."
  — Saskia (35:55)

Friendship and Talking About Trauma

• Friend Heather expresses guilt over encouraging Saskia to go through with the wedding, highlighting how silence and discomfort around sexual violence and betrayal keeps victims isolated (37:56–39:04).
• Saskia acknowledges the ongoing impact of digital evidence from Mike's crimes but refuses to bear the shame:

  "I feel exposed, but that to me is not as important as exposing somebody who thought that they could just operate in the dark for a while. He pulled me into that darkness and I refused to live there."
  — Saskia (42:54)

7. A New Kind of Joy and Stability

• The episode culminates in a gathering of Saskia’s friends and family, where laughter and connection signal meaningful healing, even amid exhaustion:

  "I want to actually enjoy life, and I don't feel like I always have to show up with a happy face. I can just be me."
  — Saskia (41:13)

• Andrea notes that healing isn't linear or ever fully completed, but that these fleeting moments are enough for now.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Clarity at the Moment of Discovery:

  "You're a dangerous person who preys on vulnerable and trusting people. You're a sexual predator. Michael Levengood."
  — Saskia (07:30)

• On Bravery:

  "Sometimes bravery is just getting up the next morning and living your life."
  — Ashley Enderfirth (08:30)

• On Agency:

  "For me to get my agency back and be able to do what is good for me is where my power lies now."
  — Saskia (10:05)

• Facing Trauma and Shame:

  "I feel exposed, but that to me is not as important as exposing somebody who thought that they could just operate in the dark for a while. He pulled me into that darkness and I refused to live there."
  — Saskia (42:54)

• Finding Support:

  "The empathy and the understanding. It's crazy how it happened, and I don't really believe in fate, but it was just what I needed to deal with it and heal."
  — Saskia (33:54)

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Important Timestamps

• D-Day and Immediate Aftermath: 04:03–05:05
• Andrea’s Story – Victim Blaming: 05:45–07:01
• Saskia’s Clarity & Early Actions: 07:01–07:53
• On Everyday Bravery: 08:30–09:18
• Rebuilding Daily Life & Agency: 09:26–10:41
• Family Reflection: 10:41–11:11
• Isolation and Safety: 11:19–12:14
• Trust Issues: 13:26–14:37
• Making the Choice to Continue: 14:48–14:56
• Therapy Sessions Begin: 20:27–29:32
• The Role of Community: 33:12–35:45
• Processing Guilt, Shame, and Silence: 37:56–39:25
• Celebrating Small Wins (Party/Laughter): 41:13–42:54

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Tone & Style

The episode is deeply empathetic, honest, and raw. Andrea’s narration weaves together personal experience with investigative reporting, while Saskia’s own words provide unfiltered insight into her journey. The tone is both sobering and hopeful—a testament to the ongoing nature of healing after trauma.

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Final Reflection

"Waking Up" is an intimate exploration of what happens after betrayal—the destruction, the slow rebuilding, and the non-linear path toward reclaiming oneself. Saskia’s courage to speak out, seek support, and ultimately begin connecting with others again serves as both cautionary tale and beacon of hope for listeners facing their own dark moments.

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For resources on sexual violence, visit rainn.org. Confidential 24/7 support is available via the National Sexual Assault Hotline:
Text HOPE to 64673 or call 1-800-656-HOPE.

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Transcript

[Andrea Gunning]

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[Andrea Gunning]

I have some exciting news to share. ABC has turned Betrayal Weekly into an eight episode anthology, which means each episode features one of your favorite Betrayal Weekly stories. You'll get to see the people involved, hear from people who have never spoken before, and actually see where the story took place. We are so proud and excited to share it with you all. It's called Betrayal, Secrets and Lies and you can watch it every Sunday at 10pm Eastern Standard Time, 9pm Central. Please check it out. Throughout the years we've worked on this show, our team has talked to hundreds of people who've been through some kind of betrayal. Some of their stories are about abuse left undiscovered or unchecked for years. Others are about financial crimes or secret identities. But across all of these stories, there are similarities. Like in the way people talk about the aftermath and the moment everything changed.

[Saskia]

Our life blew up on April 11th. April 2022 is when D Day happened and everything disappeared.

[Andrea Gunning]

All of this blew up our life, our kids lives, our community.

[Saskia]

He completely ruined my family.

[Andrea Gunning]

For so many people, a betrayal is an ending, a death of the life they knew. I often get asked if it's depressing working on stories like this day in, day out. And the truth is, a lot of the time it's the opposite. Because as much as these are stories about the moment of destruction, they're also about what happens after that moment. How people get up the next day, how they rebuild after the smoke clears. I don't think it's an exaggeration to say a bomb dropped on Saskia's life. And yet today, seven years after her discovery, she's still standing.

[Saskia]

I think it would surprise him to see how much stronger I've gotten, even since his attempt to totally destroy me. I was not gonna be just a dispensable person, someone that you can use and abuse and then discard. His focus was on my weaknesses and he didn't realize how strong I am.

[Andrea Gunning]

I'm Andrea Gunning and this is betrayal. Season 5 Episode 10 Waking Up. Before we talk about where Saskia is today, there's something I want to share. It's a bit of a left turn, but it has a lot to do with why I do this work and why I felt drawn to Saskia's story In college, I was raped. At the time, I was going through a really bad depression, and much in the same way that Saskia did. I drank to cope. One night when I was drunk, a person who I considered a friend assaulted me. It wasn't until the next day when I woke up that I knew something had happened. For years, I blamed myself. Maybe I let him on. Maybe I deserved it. It's a feeling a lot of victims of sexual violence experience. And like a lot of victims, those feelings kept me silent for a long time. I questioned myself and my understanding of what I experienced. But that wasn't the case for Saskia. As soon as she found out what Mike did to her, she saw the truth clearly.

[Saskia]

He said, I guess we're both a little bit crazy. I said, no, no, I have mental health issues. You're a predator and you're a monster.

[Andrea Gunning]

This is something that's always struck me about Saskia's story, and it's actually pretty rare. Immediately, she knew the gravity of what Mike had done. She went to the authorities to protect herself and to keep others safe. And then she took the stand and stood up to him.

[Saskia]

You're a dangerous person who preys on vulnerable and trusting people. You're a sexual predator. Michael Levengood. You do have this inner strength that comes out at times.

[Andrea Gunning]

That's Kerry Hartman, one of Betrayal's producers. Where did that come from?

[Saskia]

I don't know. I really don't know.

[Andrea Gunning]

Wherever it came from, I've always admired that strength in Saskia. And back in those early days after her discovery, her bravery was clear to everyone around her. It looked like reporting the crime, taking the stand, seeing her divorce trial through, no matter how many insults she had to face. But there's more than one way to be brave. This came up with Ashley Enderfirth, the original prosecutor on Saskia's case. At the end of our interview, just before we stopped recording, there was one last thing Ashley wanted to say.

[Jessica Baum]

We talked about how brave Saskia is to have come forward and to have been willing to go through this process. But when you experience something like this, bravery takes different forms. While it is undoubtedly brave to come forward, sometimes bravery is just getting up the next morning and living your life.

[Andrea Gunning]

This was something I needed to hear, and I imagine some listeners out there need to hear it too. Bravery isn't always about pursuing criminal action. I had to understand that after what happened to me, keeping my grades up, graduating, and just getting on with my life was the bravest version of myself. And today, that form of bravery is what Saskia is practicing too.

[Saskia]

Kitties, chicky burrito, pippy, pumpkin.

[Andrea Gunning]

The days of pursuing justice are now behind her. These days, for Saskia, bravery looks like getting out of bed and starting her day, feeding her pets, going to work, taking a walk.

[Saskia]

After the discovery, I wasn't able to do anything. I wasn't able to work. I was constantly on hyper alert. It really felt like this is it and that there's no light at the end of the tunnel.

[Andrea Gunning]

Nowadays, she's not only back to a normal routine, she's creating that routine for herself for the first time in her adult life.

[Saskia]

Seven years ago, I was like a baby just starting out, just learning to crawl and learning to crawl was learning what I would choose to do on my own. I had never really been single until a few years ago. And just learning when I'm by myself, what do I choose to do, what do I choose to eat, what do I choose to watch and to then incorporate that into who I am. For me to get my agency back and be able to do what is good for me is where my power lies now.

[Andrea Gunning]

Before everything happened, everyone thought Saskia needed someone like Mike to save her. Here is her sister, Marisa.

[Jessica Baum]

I've always viewed her as my baby sister, as a very strong person, but somebody who's vulnerable, and he gave her a sense of stability.

[Andrea Gunning]

Today, Marisa sees all that Saskia is capable of on her own.

[Jessica Baum]

She's standing alone, she's doing life, she's creating her own stability. Now.

[Andrea Gunning]

There's been so much change in the right direction, but there's a flip side to all this growth.

[Saskia]

I feel like I've started spending most of my time alone.

[Andrea Gunning]

It's not just that Saskia is taking time for herself, as Marisa told us.

[Jessica Baum]

I would say that she socially isolates, more so than she ever did.

[Andrea Gunning]

Saskia has her kids, but they're older now, and most of the time they're out of the house or with their dad. She works from home and stays there through the evening with her pets to keep her company. Since finding out about Mike's crimes, her world's gotten a lot smaller.

[Saskia]

I was so devastated and shocked by everything that happened that I had no choice but to start to protect myself a little bit. And that's something that is empowering, right? To know that I can make my own choices and I can stay as safe as I can need to or want to.

[Andrea Gunning]

But by putting up these walls, she's not only protecting herself against bad people, she's isolating Herself from friends and family. Here's Marisa again.

[Jessica Baum]

She's been stuck in that fight mode for so long. I want her to be open to the good in people, and I want her to know what that feels like and to know that he didn't take it from her.

[Andrea Gunning]

When my reporting team and I went to Maryland to meet Saskia, we noticed those walls too. We'd spent months talking to her in advance, explaining the production process and what to expect. She was fully on board. In all of her interviews, she was open. But whenever we weren't recording, the walls went back up in a way I'd never encountered before with other stories. For instance, during our reporting trips, we usually take our storytellers out to dinner with our team. Saskia was the first person I've worked with who didn't really want to go. That was a real learning moment for me. The idea that going out to dinner with us could be hard.

[Saskia]

It was. I stopped doing those things for a long time. It's been really hard for me to get back out there. I don't think that I can ever trust anybody. I don't think that I could ever fully be confident that someone wasn't misleading me or manipulating me because I was so sure that he was a good person and that you love me. How can I ever get to the point where I truly don't fear that?

[Andrea Gunning]

On this show, we're asking people who've experienced a traumatic betrayal to trust us with their story. It always takes months of building rapport to get to that point. By the time we got to Maryland, Saskia was ready to share her story, but we questioned if she was ready to really put herself out there with this show. So I asked her about that. I said to you, we don't have to do this. We don't have to go forward with this. You can always circle back when you are ready. How did that occur for you?

[Saskia]

It made me feel a little bit vulnerable, like they're seeing how hard this is for me. Like, what am I doing? This is so difficult.

[Andrea Gunning]

Part of her thought about ending the whole project right there. Instead, she made a choice. The choice to keep going.

[Saskia]

I feel like this was the journey that was put in front of me and I was gonna see it through regardless of how difficult it.

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[Jessica Baum]

I'm a psychotherapist, a licensed mental health counselor. I'm an author of two books, Anxiously Attached and Safe.

[Andrea Gunning]

If you've been listening to our show for a while, you might recognize Jess from season two where she worked with our subject, Ashley Lytton.

[Jessica Baum]

I studied interpersonal neurobiology and that is a study of how we form as infants and young beings in relationship with others. It's how we form our attachment patterns and I work a lot with my clients on getting into their body and starting to be with their nervous system and starting to connect all those dots.

[Andrea Gunning]

Following our reporting trip, Jess and Saskia started meeting weekly and I'm going to

[Jessica Baum]

continue working with her to the other side of this whenever she gets to the other side.

[Andrea Gunning]

Often, Jess and Saskia talked about emotions that came up throughout the production process. It took strength to report the crime and get through those early days. But in many ways, that strength was a reflex. She saw no other path than to fight this choice to revisit what happened to her. To trust other people with her story has demanded a different kind of strength. Jess and Saskia agreed to record a few of their sessions. Saskia listened back to these recordings, and now she wants other people to hear them too, in the hopes that her breakthroughs might help somebody else.

[Saskia]

In the beginning, when I met with the producers, it felt profound, but it also was so scary and so uncomfortable that I honestly was like a little kid. Like, I hid my face in my shirt because it felt so strange receiving compassion and empathy and sympathy about what Mike did to me.

[Jessica Baum]

And you had to start to recognize how bad it was.

[Saskia]

Yeah. How hard that was. I never felt important enough to really do the deep diving into me and my story and my life. It feels wrong to me because I'm not used to doing that.

[Jessica Baum]

And we have to get in touch with all the pain to do that.

[Saskia]

Yeah. That's probably what makes me feel like I want to run 100%.

[Jessica Baum]

I think that being vulnerable like this and feeling it, part of you wants to do the work, and the part of you is so uncomfortable with showing up for it. And I think that's actually a very normal part of this experience or the re experiencing of it all.

[Saskia]

I totally agree. On Sunday night, we had a really difficult recording session for the podcast. I was talking to Caitlin.

[Andrea Gunning]

Caitlin is one of our producers, and

[Saskia]

she saw that I visibly got tearful and then started crying. And Caitlin's response, of course, was empathy and like, if this is too much for you, let's stop. And I said, no, like, I need to feel these feelings. It's hard, but I know that this is necessary.

[Jessica Baum]

It's harder before it gets easier.

[Saskia]

Yep, that's what I'm finding.

[Jessica Baum]

And you know, Saskia, some people don't have the capacity. It takes a lot to slow down and feel.

[Saskia]

Yeah, it's been really hard. Few years. I'm proud of myself for taking the time to be by myself and come to some realizations, but it's a scary thing to do at 47 years old. I wish that it would have happened a lot earlier for me so I could have avoided some of these consequences.

[Jessica Baum]

I don't know how many clients I have that are like, 40 or 50 or 55 who say the same thing. Like, I wish I could have done this sooner. I remember asking my mentor once when I got out of a really unhealthy relationship. I said, did I need to go through this pretty traumatic relationship to have this healing process occur? Like, was there another path? Sometimes we're just not ready to go there until things get bad enough or we need a wake up call.

[Saskia]

Yeah, right. We have no choice but to slow down or stop and deal with things.

[Andrea Gunning]

In slowing down, Saskia's not only facing these emotions coming up through the podcast or sitting with her trauma from Mike, she's going back further to her childhood to understand why she gravitated towards someone like Mike and to try to break that pattern going forward. Remember, Saskia grew up as the youngest of four. Her father struggled with mental illness and her mom was busy keeping the family afloat. It had a real impact on her. She always had a lot of friends. But on the inside, I still felt

[Saskia]

so alone and like a freak in school. I remember crying in the bathrooms and not really knowing why. Looking back, I was really struggling with depression and anxiety.

[Andrea Gunning]

That's a big part of why she turned to alcohol.

[Saskia]

I remember the first time getting drunk and how good it felt. It helped me cope with a lot of things that I hadn't dealt with yet were under the surface stuff from my childhood.

[Jessica Baum]

Doesn't it make sense? That's part of the human desire, is when we go towards what feels good, what releases chemicals, what feels a sense of belonging. And you weren't getting any of that at home.

[Saskia]

Right. Maybe that's what I did in my relationships too. I didn't get what I needed emotionally. And so that's always what I was searching for, that feeling. Sure. Mike was really the first person that I thought actually loved me and. And was safe. It would be awful even if it was a stranger who did this to me or someone I had just met. But the fact that this was my partner for seven years, supposed to be

[Jessica Baum]

the safest person to you.

[Saskia]

I mean, he was my best friend. With him, I felt really cared for and I've never felt that before in my life.

[Jessica Baum]

When you grow up with childhood neglect and trauma, that very young part of you is looking to be taken care of.

[Saskia]

Yeah.

[Jessica Baum]

And attracted to someone who appears safe, who appears like they're gonna take care of that little girl, and it ends up becoming a nightmare.

[Saskia]

Right.

[Jessica Baum]

Mike presented as someone different. He presented as someone safer. He presented as not your normal type. And it's almost like A fish on the hook. Your inner child is projecting the perfect parent onto this person. This is gonna be the solution because now this person is safe. They're meeting all your needs. And the truth is your attachment needs were still underneath the surface 100%.

[Saskia]

I mean, you've helped me realize that I was seeking validation and feeling. Yeah, taken care of.

[Jessica Baum]

And he was in a position of power because he met those needs so well for you.

[Saskia]

Looking at how I got to this place has been really important because I don't need saving.

[Andrea Gunning]

For the first time in her life, Saskia's not dating through this work in therapy. She's breaking patterns, sitting with her pain, putting herself first.

[Saskia]

I feel like I'm giving myself as much space and time as I need to heal. I don't have time or energy to prioritize somebody else over me right now. And that's when the healing has really started. I feel like I need to be able to trust myself before I'll be able to trust anybody else. What I do know now is that I can do it on my own. If somebody makes me uncomfortable or somebody isn't concerned with my feelings, I can walk away and I can still be okay. I just wish it wasn't such a hard lesson for me to learn, but I don't think there was an easier one that would have woke you up. Woke me up.

[Andrea Gunning]

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[Andrea Gunning]

As I was listening to Saskia and Jess's last recorded session, I heard something that made me smile. Saskia was looking back on the early days of working with us and how much has changed since then.

[Saskia]

I'm definitely a people pleaser. If other people like me, that makes me happy. And with this podcast there was a lot of that. Like I didn't know what support to expect so it was all very kind of scary.

[Andrea Gunning]

But slowly, through lots of interviews, check ins and visits, our team earned Saskia's trust. Today, our conversations are as much about what happened to her as they are about what shows we're watching. But our pets are doing good days and bad days at work. Saskia's walls are down, and to me, that's an honor. We're really the first new people Saskia's let into her world in a long time.

[Saskia]

The support that I felt from working on this podcast, it's been something that I've never felt before. The empathy and the understanding. It's crazy how it happened, and I don't really believe in fate, but it was just what I needed to deal with it and heal and, yeah, do

[Jessica Baum]

all the hard work. I know it's a re experiencing, but I think it's the re experiencing with the support that makes the difference.

[Saskia]

I totally agree.

[Andrea Gunning]

Once the project ends, we're not going anywhere. But Jess wants Saskia to take this experience of learning to trust us and translate it into trusting others again in her everyday life.

[Jessica Baum]

The way to heal this, Saskia, is now through the work with me, but also other people who you can be vulnerable with, who see you, who hold this sadness with you. Instead of finding a new man and a new solution, we need to slow down and start to learn what's going on inside and be with our core wounds. And a way to break this pattern is to lean on other people who don't medicate the trauma, but can be with you in your pain.

[Saskia]

I do have people that I know care about me.

[Jessica Baum]

Who's one of those people?

[Saskia]

My sister, I think. I used to feel like she wanted to be there, but it was just one more thing in her life that she felt like she wanted to fix. Now she kind of asks, like, do you just want me to be here to listen?

[Jessica Baum]

That is literally the only thing we need, is we just need people to be with us.

[Andrea Gunning]

In addition to Marisa, Saskia has her friends, the ones you've heard from throughout the season. But it hasn't always felt easy to open up to them.

[Saskia]

I've always put a lot of pressure on myself not to show how much pain I'm in.

[Jessica Baum]

I think there's a piece to trauma survivors where we are not used to people who accept us unconditionally and like us when we're messy and can be with all our parts. So we're like, I have to perform.

[Saskia]

I would never reach out to a friend to vent. I wouldn't answer my phone unless I was in a good mood. I would look internally and be like, how can I fix myself? So I can be okay for other people.

[Andrea Gunning]

Before Mike, Saskia was the silly bubbly one in her friend group, no matter what she was going through on the inside. But after her discovery, there was no

[Saskia]

putting on a happy face. Everything went dark for me. Being around people that just had normal lives or happy relationships or were talking about, I don't know, what they bought at the store. It was easier for me to stay away.

[Andrea Gunning]

But connection is a two way street sometimes. Her friends haven't known the best way to show up for Saskia, if they should or could talk about what happened when we were in Maryland, I brought that up with Saskia's friend Heather. Do you guys, as a friend group, talk about hard things?

[Saskia]

No. Oh, let me rephrase that. Not with the person in the room.

[Andrea Gunning]

Why do you think that is?

[Saskia]

I think a lot of us are people pleasers and so we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. And it's not meant to be like malice or like gossipy or something. It's genuine concern, but not having the confidence to bring it up directly with the person.

[Andrea Gunning]

There's also the guilt her friends feel about what happened to Saskia. Looking back now, knowing what Mike was doing, Heather feels a lot of anger at herself. Remember, she was the friend that told Saskia to go through with the wedding. After the first time Saskia saw something on Mike's laptop.

[Saskia]

I wish I would have given her that out and been the friend that can been like, you don't have to do this if you don't want to. Like, if you don't feel like something's right, you don't have to go through with this.

[Andrea Gunning]

It's uncomfortable to look back and wonder if you could have done anything differently. That guilt can make it hard to talk about what happened. But there's one more reason I think these friends don't talk about what Saskia went through. It's the reason why for years there weren't stories like this one out there. And it's a big part of why it took so long for men like Jeffrey Epstein, Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby to be held accountable. We've all been taught not to talk about rape. It's too violent, too gross. Something meant to be kept private. Especially when it's perpetrated by a good guy, a powerful guy or a partner. And in Saskia's case, there's digital evidence, the photos and videos of her rape that will live on on the Internet forever. It's a horrific, ongoing part of Mike's crimes. One that is hard for anyone to talk about, even Saskia.

[Saskia]

I've been not dealing with that, not thinking about it.

[Jessica Baum]

You feel like just trying to block it out of your psyche is how you've been protecting yourself from it.

[Saskia]

Yeah, for sure. I don't think I knew how hard it was going to be, how much I had suppressed in this to just get by.

[Andrea Gunning]

Marisa can see the effect these images have on Saskia.

[Jessica Baum]

She's embarrassed about the idea of her being on display, and that makes her want to shrink. But I think the side of her that wants to stand up for herself and will feel no shame is stronger.

[Andrea Gunning]

Saskia knows the shame isn't hers to carry. She wants to talk about what happened to her. That's why she's doing this podcast, dragging all this out into the light, despite how upsetting it can feel. She's being brave. For their part, her friends are starting to do the same. They're showing up for Saskia and talking more about what happened on the podcast, but even more so with each other.

[Saskia]

I can't tell you how many good tears I've cried, realizing how much people care about me. It's nice. Like I'm, you know, I'm growing. And also, I think my relationships have kind of transformed also.

[Andrea Gunning]

She's finding new stability with the people who've been there all along. Wow.

[Saskia]

Thank you. I'm so glad you guys are here.

[Andrea Gunning]

On our last night in Maryland, Saskia invited all her people over for a party. In the days before, she almost canceled the whole thing, it had just been a full week of interviews.

[Saskia]

I was so anxious about doing a good job in telling my story that my nervous system was just in overdrive and it felt like too much to go out or entertain.

[Andrea Gunning]

We assured her she didn't need to throw a party on our account. Her people would understand, too. But she wanted to do it.

[Saskia]

I want to actually enjoy life, and I don't feel like I always have to show up with a happy face. I can just be me.

[Andrea Gunning]

So she gathered everyone on her back porch. Her siblings, her friends.

[Saskia]

No, you got to hear. This is the best. Yeah.

[Andrea Gunning]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I want to hear. I want to hear what she's saying first. It was a tail end of summer. The sun was setting and the cicadas were in full swing. Everyone sat in a circle of Adirondack chairs, eating cake and trading funny stories from growing up.

[Saskia]

We heard you could get fake IDs in Georgetown. So Bridget drove all of us down to Georgetown.

[Andrea Gunning]

I could tell it was a lot for Saskia. She looked tired and she couldn't seem to sit still in her chair. But in the midst of all of this, I heard something.

[Saskia]

So then we had to drive back

[Andrea Gunning]

down again and they hand us these Saskia's laugh. It was mentioned a lot in interviews with her friends and family, but this was the first time we really heard it for ourselves. And throughout the night we kept hearing it. There's no clean end to the journey Saskia's on. She'll never reach a point when she's fully healed. No one does after Betrayal. I think healing is a series of smaller wins. Maybe there will come a day when she'll wake up without her trauma on her mind. Maybe she'll call her sister or a friend the next time she feels alone. But for now, just having moments like this again, when she can just be with the people that love her and laugh. That's enough.

[Saskia]

Seven years ago, I really thought that my life was over. I felt humiliated, and I still think that that's true today. I feel exposed, but that to me is not as important as exposing somebody who thought that they could just operate in the dark for a while. He pulled me into that darkness and I refused to live there.

[Andrea Gunning]

For resources on sexual violence, visit rainn.org betrayal that's R A I N N.org you can also get free confidential 24. 7 support through RAINN's National Sexual Assault Hotline. Just text HOPE to 64673 or call 1-800-656-HOPE you are not alone. If you would like to reach out to the Betrayal Team or want to tell us your story, email [e-mail] that is betrayalpodmail.com or follow us on Instagram etrayalpod To access additional content and to connect with the Betrayal community, join our [e-mail] we're grateful for your support. One way to show support is by subscribing to our show on Apple Podcasts. Don't forget to rate and review Betrayal. Five star reviews go a long way. A big thank you to all of our listeners. Betrayal is a production of Glass Podcasts, a division of Glass Entertainment Group in partnership with iHeart Podcasts. The show is executive produced by Nancy Glass and Jennifer Faison, hosted and produced by me, Andrea Gunning, written and produced by Kaitlyn Golden. Our supervising producer is Carrie Hartman. Our story editor is Monique Laborde. Also produced by Ben Fetterman. Associate producers are Olivia Hewitt and Leah Jablo. Production management by Kristin Melchiori Additional support by Curry Richman. Our iHeart team is Ali Perry and Jessica Krynczyk. Audio editing by Tanner Robbins with additional editing and mixing by Matt d'. Alvecchio. Special thanks to Saskia, her friends and family and special thanks to Will Pearson and Carrie Lieberman. The Trail's theme is composed by Oliver Baines Music library provided by My Music and for more podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Find Home wherever you roam at Sinesta Es and Simply Suites where longer stays feel comfortable, flexible and easy. Stretch out and enjoy spacious accommodations and homelike amenities designed to help you settle in and stay productive or relaxed for however long you need. And when you're a Sonesta Travel Pass member, Staying at Sonesta Es and Simply Suites means earning points towards free nights, upgrades and more with every eligible stay. Go to sonesa.com to book your stay and unlock the best rates with Sonesa Travel Pass Here today, roam tomorrow. Join [e-mail] Terms and conditions apply.

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[Andrea Gunning]

This episode is sponsored by Virgin Voyages. There's something about the ocean. It creates space. And sometimes space is exactly what you need. Virgin Voyages is adults only. No kids, no chaos, no buffets, just beautifully designed spaces, award winning food and room to actually breathe. Over 20 restaurants are included, plus entertainment, Wi Fi, fitness classes all covered. No surprises, no emotional or financial whiplash. It's not just a vacation, it's perspective. It's reset. It's choosing yourself. And sometimes that's the bravest thing you can do. Plan your escape@virgin voyages.com when it comes to advancing your education, you have more options than you think. At Rasmussen University, they find ways to remove barriers, not build them like a new laptop if you're eligible and enroll in select online or on campus programs. That also means flexible and engaging online courses and resources, tuition saving options if you qualify, exceptional student support and much more online nationally or check out their 20 campuses across six states. Start when you're ready and get the support you need. Visit Rasmussen. Edu. This is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human.