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Kristin Snowden (3:07)

It is not to your detriment that you have loved and made yourself willing to be vulnerable to another person. You unfortunately just got an unhealthy, really sick person who was so invested in keeping you out of his whole double life that he was living and used every tactic in the world to keep you blind to that.

Andrea Gunning (3:45)

I'm Andrea Gunning and this is betrayal. Season 4, Episode 8 Solace Caroline Barega has been dealing with the fallout of her husband's betrayal for more than three years. When you've been married for half your life, the recovery is long, unpredictable. At the beginning, it's just about getting through the next hour, the next 24 hours, being able to get yourself to work or show up for your kids. Now Caroline is reaching the point where she can start to truly process and heal from that experience. We connected Caroline with Kristin Snowden, an expert in betrayal, trauma, and infidelity. She's a licensed marriage and family therapist in the state of California and a certified life coach.

Kristin Snowden (4:37)

My specialty is helping couples and individuals navigate relationship crises that have been brought upon by uncovering an unknown addiction or infidelity. And that's either chemical addictions or processed addictions such as sex, porn, love addiction.

Andrea Gunning (4:57)

Addiction is a loaded term and one we want to use carefully. Most of us know someone who's struggled with a chemical addiction, like one to alcohol or opioids. Process addictions are different. They involve compulsive behaviors that activate the brain's Reward system. The DSM 5, the official manual clinicians use to diagnose mental health disorders, only recognizes one process addiction, that's gambling disorder. Others, like sex addiction, remain controversial and are not officially classified as mental health diagnoses. This is not to say the experience of sex addiction isn't real and valid. But without a diagnostic criteria, the label can be misunderstood, misused, or even abused. Joel began using the word addiction to describe his behavior, but only after he was caught. You'll remember the text he sent Caroline from rehab.

Caroline Barega (5:56)

Low self esteem, self hatred, depression, anxiety, addiction all contributed to my behavior and actions. Sane people would not do what I.

Andrea Gunning (6:06)

Did, but I literally was not in My right mind. We don't know if Joel has been diagnosed with any addictions to substances, but because Joel referred to himself as an addict, you'll hear Kristen and Caroline use that term in this conversation. They're also using it as a shorthand for his compulsive and destructive behavior. Kristin started one of the first dual diagnosis treatment programs for people with both chemical addictions and sexual acting out behaviors. But in the last 10 years, her focus has shifted to helping betrayed partners. She runs groups for those that have been betrayed, and she has a YouTube channel where she shares free resources for those navigating relationship crises.

Kristin Snowden (6:53)

I want betrayed partners to have that specialty training and education that they deserve that I think is going to help launch them into the ability to heal from these traumas.

Andrea Gunning (7:05)

When Kristen first meets with new clients, she often begins with this metaphor.

Kristin Snowden (7:11)

Something that we do all day, every day is we drive. And what we do is we're essentially taking for granted that everybody else around us is going to follow the rules of the road. And that is what we're doing when we're in these long term relationships with our partners. We have very direct spoken rules, but also unspoken rules that we're going to give each other the benefit of the doubt. We're going to do our best to do no harm. We're going to follow the rules and move along in the correct way together. And then all of a sudden, when you uncover that your partner is capable of lying, sneaking around, it is as if someone is asking you every day to just go do the basic things like just go drive to the grocery store, just go drop your kids off. But oh, by the way, no one's gonna follow the rules of the road. Hope you make it there okay. Suddenly the drive, the simple drive that you took for granted every single day becomes the most terrifying, hyper vigilant, soul sucking experience because you don't know what's coming at you. And that is like the best metaphor I have. To help people understand what these betrayed partners are going through from the minute they find out what their partner's done and onward.

Andrea Gunning (8:32)

Kristin often works with people like Caroline, people who've been left to pick up the pieces in the wake of their partner's betrayal.

Kristin Snowden (8:40)

She's my quintessential client. Unfortunately, I've seen hundreds of her, if not thousands.

Andrea Gunning (8:48)

Kristin met with Caroline several times over the course of this season. With their permission, we'd like to share excerpts from those sessions with you. Caroline started with a problem she confronts often in her life. Feeling on edge in the city she calls home. All she sees are places where Joel arranged his meetups. These are landmarks that memorialize her husband's affairs.

Caroline Barega (9:12)

There's really only one way to drive to our local airport, and I hate the drive. I hate it. All I can do is think about, this is where he did this at. This is where he did this at. How many people did he meet in this area? How many times did this occur? Like, it is just repetitive in me.

Kristin Snowden (9:29)

How do you feel in your body when you're driving to the airport and you're crossing all those triggering places and spaces? What does it feel like?

Caroline Barega (9:37)

It could be the coldest morning in Colorado and I will start sweating when I reach that area of town. I will have my heat completely turned off. I'll need to crack the window. And the nausea starts and my brain just starts churning. This is the area where he did this. How many times did he meet someone? It will just continuously churn and I'll keep playing it and replaying it and replaying it. Even after I park, when I'm bringing my luggage up, when I'm checking in, it just continuously plays in me. The piece of it that is so aggravating is that I have no control over it. I'm still reliving it every time I drive that route. I think that I am a strong female. But I will tell you that if you want to test someone's ability to stay strong, go through this and have to live it every day.

Kristin Snowden (10:40)

Right. That's why I always think it's interesting. But there's really no such thing in the diagnostic manuals that categorizes betrayal as a form of trauma. PTSD doesn't really fall in that because, you know, it has to be a life threatening event. And people don't consider these things to be life threatening. But, I mean, I could imagine you feel like you have PTSD symptoms.

Caroline Barega (11:05)

I know I do. And I think it's evidenced by the fact that my kids and I say, unless it was an absolute life threatening event, we will never call law enforcement.

Kristin Snowden (11:19)

I'm sorry. It's like a systemic betrayal, similar to people who've been betrayed to by the, like religious organizations, like abused by the people in charge and then shunned and ignored and never validated or supported by their community.

Caroline Barega (11:37)

You know, I pride myself in being someone who can compartmentalize and keep myself together, but it is a struggle to keep every emotion in and keep my shoulders back and my head high. Constantly running into his colleagues.

Kristin Snowden (11:52)

What's the story you're telling yourself about what they are experiencing when they see you.

Caroline Barega (11:58)

When life blew up initially to me and my kids, Joel said it was my fault. It was my fault because we weren't having sex as much as he wanted to. I wasn't doing things that he wanted to sexually. Like, he pointed the finger at me. And this is also the narrative that he started telling all of his employment. They're thinking to themselves, we know what Joel did. We've been told that you're the reason why this happened. He had to go seek sex elsewhere because he wasn't getting it at home. He needed to go find it around the community. This is all your fault. You caused him to lose his job. In one of his disciplinary write ups, it actually says Joel discussed that he was having problems with his wife at home. It's like everyone heard this narrative but me. I didn't know this. In my world, we were living this really blessed utopian life. I didn't know that this was being put on blast about me.

Kristin Snowden (13:00)

Yeah, what is that like? On top of the shame that you just generally experience from being betrayed by your intimate partner and finding out that he's led this whole double life, what is that like to have this community where they're blaming you for using your apparent marital life to justify his behavior?

Caroline Barega (13:24)

It just continued to involve this constant nausea and chaos in my life. And to have to have this pretend face and this very low affect to not show emotion was miserable. And it definitely doesn't feel sustainable to continue to try to have this pretend normal at work. It doesn't feel good to have this pretend normal at community events where I see police officers who stare at me and my kids when we're together. My daughter was in a car accident her junior year shortly after he blew up our lives. About a month and a week later, she was T boned and hit by a driver. And when I went out to the scene to see her, thank God she was okay. But even in that moment, cops were pulling up to the scene and I could hear them. They didn't even care that we were there, what we had just gone through. I could hear them. Oh, my God. There's Kern's wife and his kid. Oh, my God. Can you believe that he's in rehab right now? I could hear them.

Kristin Snowden (14:37)

In, like, your moment of raw vulnerability?

Caroline Barega (14:40)

Yes. I am terrified for my daughter. I am terrified seeing how she looks. She's just an absolute shock. Even in that moment, it's thrown in my face.

Kristin Snowden (14:52)

It must be overwhelming, especially when part of your trauma has been being Lied to. I can imagine it being just even more frustrating, to say the least, that you continue to be surrounded by a community that keeps telling you that you're to blame. There's such a healing and release of trauma that happens when a community can share in validating that what happened was not okay. And that was scary, and that rocked our world. And I just. I'm so sad that you've been denied. I'm hearing that you live in a community where there's just a lack of empathy for what you and the kids have gone through.

Caroline Barega (15:34)

I think it's not only a lack of empathy. I think it is the belief of a false narrative.

Kristin Snowden (15:40)

What do you tell yourself about why they can kind of be so non empathetic? Why they're so invested in holding on to Joel's story?

Caroline Barega (15:51)

Hear me out, because I'm going to sound very self loathing while I say this. I did it. I believe Joel. I mean, I initially carried this guilt when he looked at me and he said, well, we weren't having sex enough. You were paying more attention to the kids than you did to me. I didn't feel like you loved me. And in the moments of it, I doubted myself. I thought, oh my God, were we having sex enough? Did I show you that I loved you? Did I pay more attention to the kids than you? I mean, he got in my head when he was excusing his behaviors. Until I know the extent of what he did, when it became reality, I was able to let go some of that guilt and that burden. But this was someone who was extremely well liked within the department. You know, he was friendly and got along with people and he supported his officers and all of these things. My husband lived a double life. And in my gut, I believe that he is an extremely intelligent man. And I do think that he knew as things were progressing, he was about ready to be caught and he needed to start shifting the blame or provide excuses and people believe him.

Kristin Snowden (17:05)

When betrayal happens in a relationship, in a marriage, the vulnerability of the fact that that can happen to anybody, that you can be blindsided by someone you trust and love, and they can hurt you the most, I think that hits too close to home for most people. So they have to package it up in a way that makes you different than them. You know, it's scary to think that my partner can just go out, have a bunch of sex with somebody else, lie, sneak around, keep doing it. If I really sat with the vulnerability of that, it would just lock me up. Like the powerlessness of that is just too scary. As a defense mechanism, I have to make your story different so I can go back and carry on in my life. So the story has to be Caroline didn't give him enough sex. Well, I give my partner enough sex and that just others her in a way where it allows me to just not feel the vulnerability. Do you get what I'm trying to say?

Caroline Barega (18:07)

It makes sense, like a lot of sense.

Kristin Snowden (18:14)

It's just in this realm of infidelities where there seems to be this really strong focus on the betrayed partner. No one blames the wife or the spouse or a partner for someone's heroin addiction or for someone's gambling addiction. There's just something about the fact that in people's brains they want to make it a relational problem when it is not a relational problem. What I always say is it's like this additional trauma and abuse that happens that will, as you're saying, shut a betrayed partner down, stop them from wanting to share their story, cause them to feel even more isolated after they've already been betrayed by the person they've made themselves more most exposed to. Why are we talking about like, well, did you have sex with them enough? Were you nagging? I mean, it does nothing but harm.

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Andrea Gunning (20:27)

Are there two sides to every story? Academy Award nominee Robin Wright stars in the girlfriend on prime September 10, a spine tingling psychological thriller that will make you question everything you think you know. Laura has the dream job, the perfect husband and a son she'd die for. But when her beloved Daniel brings home his new girlfriend, Cherry, played by Olivia Cook Something feels off Is Cherry the sweet, innocent girl she appears to be? Or is there something more manipulative beneath the surface? And how far will a mother go to protect her son? Also starring Lori Davidson the Girlfriend is a twisted game of cat and mouse where nothing is what it seems and everyone has something to hide. Don't miss the Girlfriend. Streaming exclusively on Prime September 10 Sometimes the truth is just a matter of perspective I used to think home security was just an alarm that goes off after a break in, scaring the intruder off and maybe getting a neighbor's attention if you're lucky. But that's reactive. By the time someone's inside your home, it's already too late. Your feeling of safety is gone. That's why I use Simplisafe. Real security should stop a crime before it even starts. And Simplisafe does exactly that. I love Simplisafe because their system gives me total peace of mind knowing my home is protected 24 7. Their smart AI powered cameras can spot threats outside your home and alert SimpliSafe's professional monitoring agents instantly. Those agents jump into action and can use two way audio to confront the person, trigger sirens and spotlights to scare them off, and even request police dispatch, all while the intruder is still outside. That's not just an alarm, that's real proactive protection. Join the more than 4 million Americans who trust Simplisafe every day, including me. With a 60 day money back guarantee and no long term contracts, you've got nothing to lose. Visit simplisafe.com betrayal to claim 50% off a new system. That's simplisafe.com betrayal there's no safe like Simplisafe. You know what all these betrayal stories I share on this podcast have in common? The feeling of I should have known that haunts every victim because there are always signs that something just isn't right. This also applies to a kind of betrayal that isn't talked about often. Sluggish digestion, constant fatigue, brain fog, trouble losing weight and poor sleep. These are all signs that your gut has turned against you, when in fact it should help you feel your best. Because scientists now say it's the foundation of your vitality and overall health. And that's where Bioma comes in. This novel supplement has everything you need for a healthy and thriving gut. With every serving you get prebiotics, probiotics and postbiotics that are science backed and third party tested so you can enjoy comfortable digestion, boundless energy, better focus and restful sleep, and even Smoother weight management. When following a healthy lifestyle, just take two tiny bioma capsules each morning before breakfast and start feeling your best. Visit Byoma Health and use code BETRAYAL to get 15% off your first order. That's Bioma Health. Code betrayal for 15% off. Caroline is talking to Kristen Snowden, a licensed therapist and life coach who specializes in betrayal trauma.

Caroline Barega (23:46)

The other night, I was at a very popular brewery, and I walk in and I'm standing in line, and I hear Caroline. And I turn and I look, and it's one of Joel's best friends. When Joel got in trouble, he turned to this person and he goes over, opens his arm, gives me a hug. I did like, one of these where I just kept my arms straight down, you know, like, I don't want you to physically touch me.

Kristin Snowden (24:14)

Like, you had a physiological response to him?

Caroline Barega (24:16)

Yes. We don't need to have physical contact. I do not want to hug you. We are not friends. I know what you have said about me. You know, I just kept my arms straight down, very stiff, and he was like, how are you? And I just stopped him. And I said, you know what? I know all of the horrible things you have said about me and the blame you have placed on me. There's no need for us to talk. And he looked at me and he kind of got this smirk, and he said, okay, but for the first time in a long time, it felt empowering to not take it, to not engage in it.

Kristin Snowden (24:56)

What do you think the difference was? Why now?

Caroline Barega (25:00)

I think the difference at this point is that I know I'm not alone. For a long time, I felt like this could never happen to anyone else. And this almost shame and guilt and the personification of Joel's actions onto me and my kids just filled me with embarrassment. You know, that was one of the things that drew me in with the podcast is hearing, oh, my God, like, this happened to someone else. Since everything happened, I feel like in my past life, I was this pretty confident person, but since my ex husband's secret life had been revealed to me, I mean, it just really put a weight of constant insecurity on me just constantly. And it's been a really long time since I have been able to keep my head up, like, a really long time.

Kristin Snowden (25:52)

It's common for us to feel less confident and standing in our own reality when we're surrounded by people who are questioning our reality. There was so many elements where you were saying, look, you're in a different location. Where are you? No, you're crazy. No, I don't know what's wrong with you. So you're in a constant environment with him where he was questioning your reality. And then after he left, you were living in this world where everyone was kind of validating his narrative and not extending grace and empathy towards you in a very, very painful way. So I could completely, completely understand why you've struggled so much to stand in your confidence. It's so traumatizing to have someone dismantle your instincts and intuition and question your reality, question your sanity. It is a huge casualty of betrayal.

Caroline Barega (26:53)

Yes. Spot on.

Kristin Snowden (26:55)

I always say, like, you've been traumatized, and now you're responsible for trying your best to mitigate those unfortunate circumstances. Right. That you now have a traumatized body. You're going to have trauma triggers, trauma responses. It gets really confusing. Like, is this a red flag, or is this, like, a trauma response, a trauma trigger? That's coming up for me. And so it's. It's just really important to have a couple people in your community where you can bounce this off of and validate. Am I crazy? Just the most benign thing you find yourself questioning. That is one of the healing pathways after being betrayed. You can't do it on your own.

Caroline Barega (27:40)

No.

Kristin Snowden (27:42)

And so it's this counterintuitive thing. Right? People come to me because their lives have been devastated and turned upside down because they have opened their heart and their life to a person, and they have just been lied to and their whole lives destroyed, their family's destroyed because of their. And one of my treatment processes is to say, well, and now you need to go to a group. And most understandably, so they say, hell, no, I've exposed myself enough.

Andrea Gunning (28:12)

I'm popping in here for just a second. Caroline, like many people who've been betrayed, was initially resistant to group workshops, but eventually she decided to give them a shot, and she joined a group. Kristin runs for Betrayed Partners.

Caroline Barega (28:27)

One of the big pieces of why I fell in that category was because it's hard to believe there are evil humans out there that would do the same thing to other innocent people. And then being in that group, hearing, oh, my God, this happened to all of you. Yeah, and replace my name with your name. And our stories are almost parallel to each other. I mean, we walked a very similar path. You feel so alone, though, at the beginning, when it happens like, this could not happen to anyone else. Especially when you're surrounded with friends and family members who assumedly are living these very healthy marriages and healthy relationships. And, like, you're just on this little island by yourself that no one else would really understand.

Kristin Snowden (29:23)

Yeah. And what has it been like to be in a group where you're around several women who are betrayed partners of sex addicts? And I mean, what's that been like to hear all those stories?

Caroline Barega (29:37)

There's been, I mean, a great sense of camaraderie, definitely some validation.

Kristin Snowden (29:44)

And I. I always think it's very interesting. One of the myths about betrayal trauma is we think that this. The person that got betrayed, the person that got bamboozled and lied to, is this passive person that just kind of gets fooled. But so often I run into betrayed partners, and in every other facet of their life, they're extremely clear about what they want, what they need, and it just shows the manipulation power that their addict partners use.

Caroline Barega (30:14)

100% accurate.

Kristin Snowden (30:17)

You've seen in these groups these phenomenal women who are just so smart, have these careers, had these lives, had these great children, and then just got sideswiped and blindsided by their partner's behavior that they had no idea. And these betrayed partners often are so busy, in fact, living their lives, trying to be the best parents they can be, be the best partners that they can be, and don't even realize that people can lie and deceive and commit illegal acts. All of those are so far off their radar. That is why they are kind of victimized over such a long period of time. That is why they are often so primed to. To let their partner's lies kind of trump their own instincts and intuition.

Caroline Barega (31:07)

Yes. Yes.

Kristin Snowden (31:09)

And I'm just gonna say you're a beautiful woman, you're well spoken, you're educated, you have this career, you have these kids, and it just starts ticking stories off of people's lists. Like they can't write the story that you were unattractive or you were crazy or you were money hungry. I mean. Cause you're just. You're none of those things. You're a high functioning, attractive, loving, stable human being that happened to marry an unhealthy person, and you are still suffering the consequences.

Caroline Barega (31:45)

Thank you for saying that. That makes me like, thank you. Thank you.

Kristin Snowden (31:54)

Yeah. I know it is not to your detriment that you have loved and made yourself willing to be vulnerable to another person. You unfortunately just got the person who was so invested in keeping you out of his whole double life that he was living and used every tactic in the world to keep you blind to that.

Caroline Barega (32:22)

I heard from multiple family members and then some of his subsequent online paramours. He actually used me filing the Divorce as a tool to garner sympathy. His comment to people was, I was sick and Caroline wouldn't work with me. You know, Caroline wouldn't stay with me and see me through getting the therapy I needed. You know, she just wanted to run right away. That was one of the things that he had told people, and it had been used against me of, well, if you really loved him, you would have stuck it out with him.

Kristin Snowden (32:57)

Well, and better yet, someone in recovery who's really reckoned with the fact that there are consequences to every action is understanding that, like, these are the typical consequences that come with that behavior. I'd made bad choices, and I lied and I snuck around and I broke my vows and I exposed my family to a lot of uncertainty and unsafety, and it's heartbreaking and horrible, and I wish that wasn't the case. I wish I'd changed sooner. I mean, those are words of someone who's moving through recovery. His words are more reflective of somebody who's just always constantly building that wall of entitlement. I work so hard. I'm entitled to go do this. She's always nagging me. I'm entitled to go do this. I didn't get that promotion. I'm entitled to go do this. It's my birthday. I'm entitled to go do this. I had childhood trauma. I'm entitled to go do this. Those are dangerous, dangerous people. That is not a sign of someone who is, as we say in the 12 step world, who's humbled and surrendered. It is a sign of someone who's always setting up justification, rationale, and entitlement to go out and do what they want to do. Because I get to. They are not thinking about the family system. They are not thinking about their values and goals. They're not definitely not thinking about the true consequences to their behaviors. And those are all things required for someone to live in recovery.

Caroline Barega (34:23)

It was funny because you actually said this to me last week. I had this moment of, like, a mind fuck, of, like, did I give it my all? Should I have stayed in? You know, I made a vow to stay with him in sickness and in health.

Andrea Gunning (34:40)

As a reminder, Caroline made the decision to leave the marriage after she got a call from a case manager at Joel's rehab facility. The case manager told Caroline that Joel was one of the worst cases of sex addiction she'd ever seen. He wasn't taking the trip. And when Caroline realized he wasn't doing the work, she decided their marriage was irreparable.

Caroline Barega (35:04)

And that's why I tried to separate our lives as quick as I could.

Andrea Gunning (35:09)

Caroline reflected back on this moment after hearing the stories of other women in Kristin's group, some of whom were trying to repair their marriages.

Caroline Barega (35:20)

I took pause for a second of seeing these women really try and then saying, you know, I think I'm to the point now where I can walk away because I've really done everything. I've exhausted all efforts. And I had a moment of I should have exhausted all efforts. Why didn't I do that? So this past week, two of them did say it. I wish I would have left right away. And like, after we hung up, I just, I don't know, I just like cried and cried and cried just because it was validating. There's so many things that just you replay in your head. Like, did I? Should I? Could I? Even though I know I did the right thing, but hearing someone say, I wish I did that, it just felt validating.

Kristin Snowden (36:13)

And like we said, in any given group, there's always a story in your head that should I have tried harder? Should I have left sooner? It is the conundrum.

Caroline Barega (36:24)

Yeah, for sure.

Kristin Snowden (36:26)

You know, having hope that they'll change. And then it's the painful coming to that hard conclusion when you're just like, I don't think this person's ever going to change. It's not always the case. I obviously do work with couples and addicts in recovery who do pivot and change. So I always say it's okay to leave and it's okay to stay. But especially the betrayed partners who don't get the closure, the full disclosure of what really happened, a full understanding of why they did what they did. With a newfound understanding because they've done all this work to understand their poor coping skills and what led them to do these behaviors and what was really going on in their head. It is so hard for betrayed partners to move through and heal without that closure.

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Andrea Gunning (38:39)

Are there two sides to every story? Academy Award nominee Robin Wright stars in the girlfriend on prime September 10, a spine tingling psychological thriller that will make you question everything you think you know. Laura has the dream job, the perfect husband and a son she'd die for. But when her beloved Daniel brings home his new girlfriend, Cherry, played by Olivia Cook, something feels off. Is Cherry the sweet, innocent girl she appears to be? Or is there something more manipulative beneath the surface? And how far will a mother go to protect her son? Also starring Laurie Davidson, the Girlfriend is a twisted game of cat and mouse where nothing is what it seems and everyone has something to hide. Don't miss the Girlfriend. Streaming exclusively on Prime September 10 Sometimes the truth is just a matter of perspective. You know what all these betrayal stories I share on this podcast have in common? The feeling of I should have known that haunts every victim because there are always signs that something just isn't right. This also applies to a kind of betrayal that isn't talked about often. Sluggish digestion, constant fatigue, brain fog, trouble losing weight, and poor sleep. These are all signs that your gut has turned against you, when in fact it should help you feel your best because scientists now say it's the foundation of your vitality and overall health. And that's where Bioma comes in. This novel supplement has everything you need for a healthy and thriving gut. With every serving you get prebiotics, probiotics and postbiotics that are science backed and third party tested so you can enjoy comfortable digestion, boundless energy, better focus and restful sleep, and even smoother weight management when following a healthy lifestyle. Just take two tiny bioma capsules each morning before breakfast and start feeling your best. Visit Byoma Health and use code BETRAYAL to get 15% off your first order. That's Byoma Health code BETRAYAL for 15% off. Looking to simplify your health routine? Discover Groons, the new way to get your daily greens without the hassle. Say goodbye to messy powders and large pills to swallow. These awesome all in one eight daily gummies are packed with over 20 vitamins, minerals and 60 whole food ingredients. They're vegan, gluten free and taste just like a fruit snack. And there's great news for parents. Gruin's Kids has just launched. These tasty gummies are specially made for your little ones, packed with everything they need for growth, brain development, and immunity. Say goodbye to the drama of getting your little ones to take their vitamins. Don't miss out. Right now, you can get up to 45% off your first order. Just use code betrayalacheckout. Make getting your daily greens the easiest way possible. With groons where serious nutrition meets serious fun. You're gonna love it. We've been listening to Caroline talk with Kristen Snowden about healing after betrayal. One of the things Caroline addressed in her sessions was how to have healthy relationships going forward.

Caroline Barega (41:48)

Every Sunday, a group of friends and I get together and we do something called separate club. I mean, they're kind of my core group of people, like my trusted circle, the ones who know the full story. But one of the things about being in that circle is that they've seen me on this journey of attempting to move forward, attempting to garner some semblance of normalcy. And they've seen me go from very, very scared to start dating to, I'm going to rip the band aid off and go on my first date, or I think I'll hang out with this person for a little bit. Oh, this person is not healthier. These qualities are things. Things that I don't want around me. And I will make excuses very quick to not let things be serious or feel vulnerable in any way. And then there's been times where I have thought, I just am starting to feel too close and I'd rather run before I feel hurt. Well, for the first time, maybe ever since this happened, I have been around someone who is just. If you just saw this person, my joke is that this is like a mother's dream. I mean, this is someone who is personable and handsome and amazing, has done good service for the community and to his country. And there are times where I have been getting ready to hang out with him, and I will literally be putting on my makeup and think to myself, you should run tonight. Tonight's the night. You should just go to dinner and then ghost him. Never speak to him again. And I can't really tell you why. It's just this feeling of, protect yourself now before you feel any more vulnerable. Run. Nothing has gone wrong. There's been no red flag. There's nothing except this internal voice in me that says, you're starting to let your guard down. Protect yourself. Go. Go now. And you know this supper club that I do, I took a chance and invited him to supper club. He walked in just a little bit late now, the excuse for being late, something came up with his kids. He was just running a little bit late. Was it two hours late? No. An hour late? Not even close. Nothing like that. But in that moment, I thought, there it is. There's your reason. Do it. Do it now. Just ridiculous. And one of my friends in supper club actually said, do not let this be this reason that you let something good go. Don't do it. So I know people see it, and I know it, but I don't know how to let go of that feeling.

Kristin Snowden (44:43)

Well, honestly, because once you've had your instincts and intuition totally destroyed and dismantled and been told, oh, it's night outside when the sun is beaming in your eyes. It's so common to constantly struggle with the inner compass of what's safe and what's not safe when we have these wounded parts in us, these really hurt parts, because understandably so, you have been victimized. We often want to push them away because we're sitting there getting ready for the date. We should be happy. We tell ourselves what we should be. Right. This is a good person. It's great that we're dating. As you said, all the moms of the world would love him. So we instinctively want to push out that scared part that's screaming out. But you have to do kind of something that is counterintuitive, which is go into that part and learn more. And it actually is pretty amazing, like the stories that scared part will tell you.

Caroline Barega (45:45)

Yeah, I think that's a really good challenge.

Kristin Snowden (45:50)

And for a woman, let's say, especially a nurturing mom like you, it helps with our paradigm shift if we view it as like, a scared child or even a scared teenager. And you listen to it like a moment because you're not judging it. You're not saying, oh, what's wrong with you? This guy's great. Like, stop it. Shut up. Instead, you can say, like, what's scary? All right, how can I help you feel safe? What do we know now versus what we're feeling inside? And can we get through this? And then, you and I talked about this before, but it's also all about the repair attempt that happens once you bring this to the person you're dating. You now have taken the minute to be like, this triggered the heck out of me. I feel really unsafe. Lateness does not just mean being late to me. There's this amazing repair attempt that can happen in a future relationship where this time your partner doesn't invalidate you. They don't tell You. You're crazy. They can say, you know, I'm sorry this made you feel scared or upset. I'm sorry this triggered a history, but let me help you feel safer this time.

Caroline Barega (47:09)

So it's interesting that you bring that last part up, because I wanted to be fair, and I actually told him about the podcast. And so telling him about the podcast meant that I had to tell him about my history. And I admit that I not only told him to be fair, but I also told him because there was this piece of me that was like, so you're gonna hear this and you're gonna see just the insanity that I've had to experience. Let me see if I can get you to run. And his response was, I think you're really brave.

Kristin Snowden (47:53)

Wow. And how healing was that sentence?

Caroline Barega (47:57)

It was just like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Like, thank you. It had been a really long time to hear someone. I mean, of course my friends. My friends have seen and heard, and they know the insanity and the wheel of insanity that I was locked into and what I was going through. But for him to have taken pause, listened to me, asked relevant, clarifying questions, and then ended it with, I think you're really brave. It took this weight off of me. And to have just this pause for, wait. There is some humanity in this.

Kristin Snowden (48:48)

That is so healing. I mean, that's why I also say why betrayal trauma can never be healed on your own. Because these are severe attachment wounds. These are wounds that came due to others breaking your heart and betraying you. So a lot of the healing and rewiring has to occur in a relationship setting and, as you mentioned, good friends, family. But your brain has to find new evidence that your ex's behaviors were more unique and an anomaly that you can avoid by taking healthy steps and setting up boundaries and keeping other safe people around you for a checks and balance system. But these are the rule. He was the exception. These are the rule. And you can still feel safe and vulnerable with these people.

Caroline Barega (49:44)

It's tough, though. It's scary.

Kristin Snowden (49:47)

Well, and let's, like, talk to those scared parts for a second. What is different? You know, update those scared parts that were betrayed and blindsided. What is different now?

Caroline Barega (49:59)

Well, one of the biggest things is that I'm not married and I'm not locked into this need to believe or feel like I needed to have blind trust in someone, that I am my own authority, I can make my own decisions on this and don't need to believe anyone for anything.

Kristin Snowden (50:24)

Yeah. I always say I never let someone tell Me what my reality and my experience is. You never get to tell me that. And even if, even, even if I am inaccurate with like thinking that you're somewhere or that you were cheating and you're not cheating, the bottom line is my experiences. I'm questioning your choices. I'm not feeling safe in this relationship. I'm experiencing incongruencies that are making me want to pull away. I don't feel respected. I don't feel like you're hearing me. And those are all important things to be relentless about. I'm supposed to feel safe with other people. And so when I don't, it's my job, my responsibility to really go inside and say, okay, what is happening that's making me not feel safe? A partner who loves you, who considers you a partner, you guys should both be invested in helping the other person feel safe. Be able to talk it out, negotiate, validate, change. The way you approach issues that aren't working, but from the parts work. I would say don't ignore those parts. They're not bad. But you have to dive deeper into that part and understand what's it trying to tell you. And then the other piece is to let them know this isn't updated information. I didn't know how to keep myself safe in the past. I was completely bamboozled. I was deprived of all the information I needed to keep myself safe. I didn't even know what I didn't even know. But look how much more I know now.

Caroline Barega (52:04)

Thank you, Kristen. You have no idea. This means so much to me, the fact that I have this clarity and insight now. I just. I can't thank you enough.

Andrea Gunning (52:13)

A quick note before we end. Caroline and Kristin discussed attachment wounds and parts work, which are just two approaches to dealing with trauma responses. Kristin recommended that Caroline seek out further evidence based trauma therapy practices such as emdr, neurofeedback, brain spotting and internal family systems work. It's critical for anyone seeking therapeutic care to work with a licensed professional. If you want more from Kristin, go to her website, kristensnowden.com we've linked it in the show notes. On the next episode of Betrayal, we discuss how grief is a marathon.

Caroline Barega (52:55)

Well, this is the first year that we have actually gotten to seek. My brother just crossed the finish line.

Andrea Gunning (53:07)

Thank you for listening to Betrayal season four. If you would like to reach out to the Betrayal team, you email us@betrayalpodmail.com that's betrayalpodmail.com also please be sure to follow us on Instagram, etrayalpod and me. Andreah Gunning for all Betrayal content, news and updates. One way to support this series is by subscribing to our show on Apple Podcasts. Please rate and review Betrayal 5 star reviews. Help us know you appreciate what we do. Betrayal is a production of Glass Podcasts, a division of Glass Entertainment Group in partnership with iHeart Podcasts. The show is executive produced by Nancy Glass and Jennifer Faison. Betrayal is hosted and produced by me, Andrea Gunning, written and produced by Kaitlin golden. Also produced by Carrie Hartman and Ben Fetterman. Our Associate producer is Kristin Melchiori. Our iHeart team is Ali Perry and Jessica Kryncheck. Story editing by Monique Laborde Audio editing and mixing by Matt d' Alvecchio Editing by Tanner Robbins Special thanks to voice actor John Bellomo and special thanks to Caroline and her family. Betrayal's theme is composed by Oliver Baines Music library provided by My Music and for more podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.

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Caroline Barega (57:06)

This is an I Heart podcast.