Betrayal: Season 4, Episode 8 — “Solace”

Original Release: July 10, 2025
Host: Andrea Gunning
Key Guests: Caroline Barega (subject), Kristin Snowden (licensed marriage and family therapist, betrayal trauma expert)

Episode Overview

In this powerful episode, the “Betrayal” team revisits the aftermath of Caroline Barega’s life after discovering her husband—a respected Colorado Springs police officer—had been living a double life. Three years after her world imploded, Caroline explores the continual challenges of healing, trauma, community judgment, and building trust again, guided by betrayal trauma expert Kristin Snowden. Through recorded sessions and deeply honest conversation, listeners witness Caroline’s journey from survival-mode to tentative empowerment and hope.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Living with the Aftermath of Betrayal

• Caroline’s Ongoing Experience:
  • Caroline describes daily life as haunted by painful landmarks and memories. Simple acts like driving to the airport trigger visceral trauma responses, including sweating, nausea, and rumination. (09:12–10:40)
  • She articulates the struggle of maintaining outward composure amidst emotional volatility:
    • “I think that I am a strong female. But I will tell you that if you want to test someone's ability to stay strong, go through this and have to live it every day.” (10:27, Caroline)
• Trauma & Isolation:
  • Kristin draws a parallel between betrayal trauma and PTSD, noting the lack of clinical acknowledgment but emphasizing that the symptoms—hypervigilance, avoidance, emotional dysregulation—are real and intense. (10:40–11:05)

2. Blame, Shame, & Community Judgment

• Impact of Community Narrative:
  • Joel, Caroline’s ex-husband, shifted blame onto Caroline both privately and within his workplace, painting her as the reason for his transgressions. Caroline internally battled the guilt and shame this narrative imposed, only unraveling the manipulation later. (11:58–13:00)
  • She recalls a moment after her daughter’s car accident where police officers openly gossiped about Joel’s affairs and Caroline’s presumed responsibility—amplifying her sense of stigma and exclusion. (14:52–15:34)
• Systemic Betrayal:
  • Kristin equates Caroline’s experience to victims of institutional betrayal, such as those abused by religious organizations, highlighting the compounding trauma of not being believed or receiving empathy. (11:19–11:37, 14:52–15:34)
  • Quote: “There's such a healing and release of trauma that happens when a community can share in validating that what happened was not okay... I’m so sad that you've been denied.” (14:52, Kristin)

3. Internal Struggle with Self-Blame

• Manipulation & Self-Doubt:
  • Caroline candidly recalls believing Joel’s accusations that she was responsible for his infidelity, a common experience among betrayal trauma survivors. (15:51–17:05)
  • Kristin explains that others cling to such narratives to distance themselves from a reality that feels too vulnerable:
    • “As a defense mechanism, I have to make your story different so I can go back and carry on in my life. So the story has to be Caroline didn't give him enough sex. Well, I give my partner enough sex and that just others her in a way where it allows me to just not feel the vulnerability.” (17:05–18:07, Kristin)

4. Healing Through Community & Group Support

• Empowerment in Confrontation:
  • Caroline recounts a recent encounter with one of Joel’s friends, where she set a boundary rather than acquiesce to false pleasantries or blame. The act felt empowering and marked a shift in her self-perception. (23:46–24:56)
  • Quote: “For the first time in a long time, it felt empowering to not take it, to not engage in it.” (24:53, Caroline)
• Group Therapy & Connection:
  • Initially resistant to group therapy, Caroline found camaraderie, validation, and relief among other betrayed partners. By seeing her experience reflected in others’, the isolation faded and her healing accelerated. (28:27–29:37)
  • Quote: “You feel so alone, though, at the beginning, when it happens like, this could not happen to anyone else. Especially when you're surrounded with friends and family members who assumedly are living these very healthy marriages and healthy relationships. And, like, you're just on this little island by yourself that no one else would really understand.” (28:52, Caroline)

5. Reclaiming Self-Worth and Identity

• Debunking the “Passive Partner” Myth:
  • Kristin stresses that many betrayed partners are accomplished, confident, and capable in every other life domain. The manipulation and secrecy of the addict partner, not their own passivity or naivety, facilitates the betrayal. (29:44–31:09)
  • Quote: “You're a high functioning, attractive, loving, stable human being that happened to marry an unhealthy person, and you are still suffering the consequences.” (31:09–31:45, Kristin)

6. Grappling with Leaving vs. Staying

• Guilt About Ending the Marriage:
  • Caroline discusses pervasive doubts about whether she should have “tried harder,” comparing herself to other women who stayed and exhausted all options. Insights from group members help her validate her decision to leave, providing comfort and reassurance. (35:20–36:13)
  • Quote: “There’s so many things that just you replay in your head. Like, did I? Should I? Could I? Even though I know I did the right thing, but hearing someone say, I wish I did that, it just felt validating.” (35:53, Caroline)

7. Moving Forward: Navigating New Relationships

• Dating & Hypervigilance:

  • Caroline details her difficulty letting her guard down in new relationships, describing a “run before you get hurt” impulse, hyper-awareness of minor disappointments, and self-sabotage. (41:48–44:43)
  • Kristin guides her to use self-compassion techniques, viewing her fear as a wounded inner child needing understanding rather than repression. Learning to share triggers and fears with new partners is key for growth.
  • Quote: “You have to dive deeper into that part and understand what's it trying to tell you… I didn't know how to keep myself safe in the past. I was completely bamboozled... But look how much more I know now.” (50:24–51:50, Kristin)

• Reparative Experiences:

  • Caroline shares a poignant moment when she opened up to a new partner about her history—and his accepting, validating response helped her begin to rebuild faith in others:
    • “His response was, I think you're really brave. It had been a really long time to hear someone... take pause, listen to me... and then end it with, I think you're really brave. It took this weight off of me.” (47:49–48:48, Caroline)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “It is not to your detriment that you have loved and made yourself willing to be vulnerable to another person. You unfortunately just got an unhealthy, really sick person who was so invested in keeping you out of his whole double life that he was living and used every tactic in the world to keep you blind to that.”
  — Kristin Snowden (03:07 & 31:54)

• “We have very direct spoken rules, but also unspoken rules that we're going to give each other the benefit of the doubt… When you uncover that your partner is capable of lying, sneaking around, it is as if someone is asking you every day to just go do basic things... But oh, by the way, no one's gonna follow the rules of the road. Hope you make it there okay. Suddenly... the simple drive… becomes the most terrifying, hyper vigilant, soul sucking experience.”
  — Kristin Snowden (07:11–08:22)

• “You're a high functioning, attractive, loving, stable human being that happened to marry an unhealthy person, and you are still suffering the consequences.”
  — Kristin Snowden (31:09–31:45)

• “I think you're really brave.”
  — Caroline’s new partner, as related by Caroline (47:49)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Caroline’s tangible trauma triggers & PTSD discussion: 09:12–11:05
• Struggle with community narrative and blame: 11:58–15:34
• Kristin’s metaphor for betrayed partners: 07:11–08:32
• Empowerment in drawing boundaries: 23:46–24:56
• Caroline’s experience with group therapy: 28:27–29:44
• Myth-busting the “passive victim” narrative: 29:44–31:09
• Debate about leaving vs. staying in the marriage: 35:20–36:13
• Caroline’s fears around new relationships: 41:48–44:43
• Turning point with new partner’s validation: 47:09–48:48
• Therapist guidance on re-learning safety and trust: 50:24–52:00

Therapeutic Takeaways

• Betrayed partners often require community validation to heal; isolation and misdirected blame compound trauma.
• Therapeutic approaches mentioned: group therapy, attachment/parts work, EMDR, neurofeedback, brainspotting, Internal Family Systems therapy.
• Kristin's advice: Healing is not solitary—reparative relationships are crucial for moving forward.

Conclusion

This episode offers a raw, nuanced look at the long road to recovery after intimate betrayal—spotlighting the consequences of stigma, the relief of validation, and the hope found in reparative experiences and self-understanding. Caroline’s journey, in dialogue with Kristin Snowden’s expertise, is an honest testament to the complexity and resilience of betrayed partners.

For more information on Kristin Snowden’s work: kristensnowden.com
Next episode: Exploring the marathon of grief in betrayal recovery.