Podcast Summary: "How To Deal With An Addict Husband – Evangeline’s Story"

Podcast: Betrayal Trauma Recovery
Host: Anne Blythe, M.Ed.
Guest: Evangeline (pseudonym)
Release Date: March 25, 2025

Overview:

This episode features Evangeline's deeply personal story of surviving betrayal and abuse during her 26-year marriage to a man struggling with addiction, infidelity, and manipulation. Anne Blythe guides a conversation that delves into the long-term impact of emotional, financial, and psychological abuse within evangelical communities, the failings of faith and therapy to protect women, and how Evangeline ultimately recognized and escaped the cycle.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Early Marriage and Subtle Signs of Addiction

• Evangeline describes her early marriage as a romance and blessing, believing her husband to be a man of faith who honored her (01:02).
• Substance abuse was present from the start: Evangeline recounts her husband’s longstanding alcohol misuse and carelessness, which sometimes put the household at risk (02:43–03:22).
  • "I cannot tell you how many incidences I lived in fear that there would be a fire in the middle of the night because of his carelessness. That was a fear I had the majority of my marriage." – Evangeline (03:22)

2. Introduction of Pornography and Early Gaslighting

• Her husband introduced pornography into their marriage early, rationalizing it as “learning to be a better lover” (04:30–04:57).
• Evangeline, raised in a highly controlled, restrictive religious environment, lacked exposure and language to identify these red flags (05:09–06:11).

3. Upbringing and Vulnerability to Abuse

• Evangeline details a strict, abusive family environment in the Gothard evangelical movement. She recounts suicidal ideation to escape being homeschooled by her abusive mother (06:29–07:16).

  • "At 14 I told my mother that she will not ever get to homeschool me for one day because I will not be alive for her to do that." (06:29)

• Her marriage initially felt like a rescue compared to her upbringing:

  • "This was safer than what I had been raised in." (08:29)

4. Financial Dependence and Loss of Agency

• Evangeline once ran a successful financial consulting business, but after 13 years, her husband insisted she sell it so he could be the sole breadwinner—leaving her economically vulnerable (09:35–11:23).

  • "I didn't realize the consequences that I was at risk for by giving up my financial security... That was the right choice to do for your family. I didn't realize as a woman what I would be giving up." (11:06)

• Anne highlights how abusive men exploit religious and societal teachings to control women’s lives and aspirations (14:12–14:54).

5. Growth, Resistance, and Escalation of Abuse

• As Evangeline educated herself and began advocacy work, her husband became more controlling and destructive.

  • "The more my information and knowledge went up, the more his behavior digressed and became destructive and worse. It matched so succinctly." (15:34)

• She describes learning about abuse through her role as a court-appointed special advocate, realizing she was living what she’d been trained to recognize (17:45–18:59).

6. Serial Betrayal and Trauma Response

• Her husband's betrayals increased—with infidelity (including with a family member), addiction, and escalating manipulation.

  • "You're living in such a state of shock… the hyper vigilance is so extreme, so intense, because you're just waiting for the next one to happen." (17:45–18:29)

• As trauma compounded, Evangeline became numb and developed severe agoraphobia (18:36–18:59).

  • "I am numb. Freeze. Freeze is my go to." (18:36)

7. Constant Moves and Isolation

• Multiple cross-country moves, often tied to his employment issues and possible attempts to outrun consequences or accountability (20:21–22:16).
  • "I always wondered when we would move. We moved four times in 10 years. I lived in four states in 10 years." (21:16)
  • Her husband was eventually fired for “fraternizing”—a euphemism for inappropriate sexual relationships at work (22:03–22:32).

8. Failed Accountability and Misguided Hope

• Despite implementing accountability measures—shared passwords, limited cash, transparency—her husband continued his behaviors. Evangeline describes the futility of trying to “fix” him by providing more love or better explanations (24:25–26:57, 29:04–29:46).
  • "I truly thought if I just said it the right way, if I just approached him the right way…he will understand and see the light." (29:09)
  • Instead, he weaponized her own knowledge against her, accusing her of being the abuser (29:37).

9. Therapy Limitations and Lack of Support

• Recounts multiple useless therapy encounters—therapists offered no safety plans or meaningful support, even ignoring her expressed fears for safety (33:29–35:39).

  • "Neither of those therapists had one thing to offer me…They had no suggestions for a safety plan. They didn't look to him and say, hey, we need to stop right now." (33:35, 35:13)

• Anne critiques the standard therapy model for failing abuse victims, noting the danger of "hopium" (false hope that men will change) (35:39).

10. Abuse, "Hopium," and Realization

• Evangeline describes her desperation and the manipulation she endured, such as her husband saying he was "99% done" with the marriage to keep her emotionally hooked (36:44–38:25).

  • "He was exercising the power of dangling me—Even though he was done, he was already living with the woman he had been for a couple years. I just didn't know it." (38:03)

• Anne and Evangeline emphasize that long-standing destructive or addictive behaviors are conscious, abusive choices (39:25–40:08).

  • "Therapy does not fix the abuser. I've since learned." (39:20)

11. Sexual Abuse and Internalized Conditioning

• Evangeline shares a significant realization when, after casual conversation with other women, she comprehended that her husband having sex with her while she was unconscious or on sleeping medication was abuse—not intimacy (42:21).

  • "I thought that was my duty as his wife…even if that means use my body when I am asleep and on sleeping medication." (42:21–43:33)

• She speaks to the profound confusion and pain of reconciling ongoing marital sexual abuse with her own conditioning to please and prioritize her husband's needs (43:33–44:43).

12. Religious Teachings, Stigma, and Systemic Failure

• Evangeline discusses how Christian communities (churches, ministries, bookstores) fail to teach or acknowledge abuse, sex addiction, or even concepts like consent and erectile dysfunction as related to porn use (47:56–49:55).

  • "I went through 13 years of private Christian school and abuse was never discussed or talked about, ever." (47:56)

• Anne stresses that betrayal trauma is abuse and that religious advice often perpetuates harm by focusing solely on women's duties (49:22–49:41).

13. Final Insights and Takeaways

• The episode concludes with acknowledgment of how hard it is for courts, therapists, friends, and even survivors to accept that abuse is a deliberate, exploitative choice.

  • "Abuse is a conscious choice, and he knows what he's doing and it's really harmful." (50:27)

• Anne thanks Evangeline for her courage in sharing, reinforcing that survivor voices bring hope and awareness to others (51:57).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Realizing Abuse:

  • "You can't unsee it. And I didn't realize then how desperate he was for me to not know the truth of him." – Evangeline (32:26)

• On Systemic Failures:

  • "Most therapists…they just look at you and blink. They might say the word boundaries, but they don't know how to actually teach boundaries…" – Anne (34:12)

• On Manipulation:

  • "I was being dangled…he kept saying, I'm just 99% done. So I'm just thinking, okay, he's not thrown in the towel." – Evangeline (38:03)

• On Religious Culture and Women's Roles:

  • "My only role and goal in life is to please him to whatever self-sacrifice I need to do." – Evangeline (42:21)

• On Survivor Wisdom:

  • "It took me decades, Ann…I was married at 22. It took me decades to understand all the areas of abuse that I experienced in my marriage." – Evangeline (47:56)

Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | |:-------------:|:-----------------------------------------------------------| | 01:02 | Evangeline describes early romance and marital red flags | | 03:19 | Living in fear due to substance abuse and carelessness | | 06:11 | Controlled upbringing, Gothard movement context | | 11:23 | Forced economic dependence and loss of agency | | 15:34 | Knowledge as a turning point—becoming an advocate | | 17:43 | Serial betrayals, trauma response (numbness) | | 21:16 | Pattern of frequent moves as possible abuser tactic | | 22:16 | Husband fired for “fraternizing,” more infidelity revealed | | 24:25 | Attempts at accountability and managing addiction | | 29:09 | Trying to “fix” him with better explanations | | 33:35 | Therapists’ lack of appropriate intervention | | 36:44 | Experience with therapy language as manipulation | | 38:03 | Husband emotionally dangling her with “99% done” | | 42:21 | Realization of sexual abuse, internalized non-consent | | 47:56 | Systemic failure in Christian circles to educate/support | | 50:27 | Abuse as a conscious, deliberate choice |

Tone and Language

The episode carries an honest, trauma-informed tone with moments of dark humor for coping and deep empathy from Anne. The conversation is unflinching yet supportive, striving to validate the lived experiences of women in betrayal trauma, and to expose the systemic gaps that keep them trapped.

Conclusion

Evangeline’s story is one of heartbreak, awakening, and hard-won empowerment. The episode is a critical resource for women encountering similar situations, underscoring that addiction and infidelity are not only relational problems, but forms of abuse—especially when met with denial, manipulation, and societal enablement. Both Anne and Evangeline call for better education, support, and advocacy for survivors.