How To Recover After Being Cheated On

Summary

Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast

Episode: How To Recover After Being Cheated On – Shelly’s Story
Host: Anne Blythe, M.Ed.
Guest: Shelly
Date: July 30, 2025

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Overview

This powerful episode revisits Shelly, a member of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery community. Six months after her previous interview, Shelly shares her journey of healing following her husband's repeated infidelities and emotional abuse. Host Anne Byrthe guides the conversation, blending expert insight and lived experience to address the profound impact of betrayal trauma. The episode offers practical guidance and heartfelt solidarity to listeners struggling with the aftermath of a partner’s lies and manipulation.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Nature of Betrayal Trauma

• Betrayal trauma is more than infidelity:
  Anne (A) begins by outlining seven truths about recovery from betrayal, emphasizing that the trauma begins with the deceit—not just with discovery. A foundation of healing is recognizing "intimate lies are domestic abuse" [00:22].
• Physical Manifestations:
  The trauma often shows up as insomnia, chronic pain, or other health issues, as the body resists the reality before the mind consciously comprehends it.

2. Shelly’s Progress: One Year Post Discovery ("D-Day")

• Current Status:
  Shelly (B): "We're in about a year and a half now since the initial D-Day, and it's still really difficult, but we're still together, we're still working through things" [01:56].
• No new betrayals, but ongoing struggle:
  Shelly hasn't experienced new "D-days," yet the process remains challenging and ongoing.

3. Epiphanies and Changing Self-Perception

• Societal Conditioning & Objectification:
  Shelly acknowledges a "deepening understanding about objectification as a social issue," and how it has influenced both men and women to see people as objects for use [02:24].
• Reclaiming Power and Choice:
  Shelly reflects on feeling powerless as a young abuse victim but notes a significant shift:
  "I have choice. … I didn't realize that I had choice then." Now, with more knowledge and community support, she stands "in a place of power" [03:12].
• Listening as Healing:
  Hearing her own story helped Shelly connect emotionally and empathize with herself:
  "I have empathy for myself, which is a strange concept. … I was able to release it" [04:57].

4. Self-Compassion and Healing

• Breaking Through Dissociation:
  Shelly describes moving from dissociation—recounting her life as if it were someone else’s—to reconnecting with her own story and emotions.
• Power of Self-Kindness:
  Host Anne highlights how abuse separates victims from themselves, making self-compassion a radical, restorative step.
• Ongoing Triggers & Daily Processing:
  Shelly continues to face daily challenges and emotional triggers in her relationship, noting, "There are still moments where it feels overwhelmingly hard" [06:41].

5. The Impact of Support Groups

• Validation through Community:
  Shelly found group sessions invaluable: "Feeling that connection with people, seeing the same faces, feeling a familiarity with the coach. Each coach had a different sort of energy..." [09:44].
• Shared Experience Reduces Isolation:
  Sharing her struggles with self-perception post-betrayal, Shelly recounts, "Many of the women started to cry and could completely understand, completely resonated with what I was saying. … Having that connection, not feeling alone, not feeling like I'm the only one that's doing this, that was powerful but equally heartbreaking, actually" [09:44].

6. Recognizing Abuse and the Reality of Choice

• Deceit as Abuse:
  Shelly recounts confronting her partner:
  “I cannot understand how you could look into my eyes at the end of the day knowing that you'd done that. He said, I just thought, what she doesn't know won't hurt her” [00:10, 11:37]. Anne underscores: “Not giving your partner a choice, using deceit, is abuse. It's control. It's harmful” [12:10].
• Loss of True Choice:
  Shelly emphasizes, "I did not know who I was with. … I didn't have free choice in that" [12:30].

7. The Ongoing Toll on Health and Trust

• Physical Impact:
  Shelly shares the resurgence of fibromyalgia symptoms post-betrayal:
  “Since all of this came out, all of the symptoms of fibroids, myalgia flared back up again” [14:08].
• Constant Vigilance:
  “I'm still on high alert a lot of the time, which is exhausting. ... I still am not in a place that I can say I fully trust him. My mind is still trying to protect me” [14:08–14:50].

8. Tools for Empowerment: The Living Free Workshop

• Education as a Path to Freedom:
  Anne describes the Living Free workshop, crafted to help women reclaim peace and emotional safety: bite-sized lessons, a self-paced workbook, and meditations to address self-esteem and regulation [15:09–17:57].
• Shelly’s Response:
  Shelly looks forward to trying the workshop’s resources:
  "I think there comes a point where you have to go inward as well. Going in is an important part of the healing process too" [18:01].

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Betrayal Trauma:
  “Intimate lies are domestic abuse. The harm doesn't start once you find out about his cheating. It begins when he starts deceiving you.”—Anne [00:22]
• On Gaining Power:
  “I have choice. I didn't realize that I had choice then. ... Actually, through everything that I've listened to on your podcast and understanding what betrayal trauma actually is, I feel foundation now that I didn't have before.”—Shelly [03:12]
• On Self-Compassion:
  “I have empathy for myself, which is a strange concept. ... I was able to release it.”—Shelly [04:57]
• On Validation & Connection:
  “Having that connection, not feeling alone, not feeling like I'm the only one that's doing this, that was powerful but equally heartbreaking, actually.”—Shelly [09:44]
• On Deceit and Abuse:
  “Not giving your partner a choice, using deceit is abuse. It's control. It's harmful. And you're already hurting her if you're not giving her a choice in her own life.”—Anne [12:10]
• On Exhaustion & Vigilance:
  "I'm still on high alert a lot of the time, which is exhausting. ... I still am not in a place that I can say I fully trust him."—Shelly [14:08]
• On the Hope of Healing:
  "Going in is an important part of the healing process too."—Shelly [18:01]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [00:00–02:16] – Introduction, Shelly’s update, seven key things to know about betrayal trauma
• [02:17–03:12] – Shelly describes current struggles and newfound sense of agency
• [03:13–04:57] – Shelly discusses the shift in self-perception and feeling empathy for herself
• [06:41–07:29] – Daily triggers and ongoing emotional impact
• [09:44–11:24] – Powerful group session experiences and impact on self-worth
• [11:37–12:30] – Shelly confronts her partner’s lack of transparency and respect
• [14:08–14:50] – Physical toll and enduring difficulty trusting
• [15:09–17:57] – Anne introduces Living Free workshop
• [18:01–18:23] – Shelly’s reflections; closing remarks

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Conclusion

This episode intimately explores the multi-layered reality of healing from betrayal trauma. Shelly’s story, marked by renewed self-awareness, persistent struggle, and communal support, offers hope and solidarity to listeners. Anne Blythe’s guidance reframes betrayal trauma as both abuse and an opportunity for empowerment, inviting women to reclaim their narrative and prioritize self-compassion and informed choice.

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Transcript

[A]

I have Shelley, a member of our community, back on today's episode. I interviewed her six months ago and I asked her to come back and check in and let me know how she's doing. Now, here's a clip from her interview.

[B]

I remember having a conversation with him. I cannot understand how you could look into my eyes at the end of the day knowing that you'd done that. He said, I just thought, what she doesn't know won't hurt her.

[A]

Are you trying to recover after your husband cheated on you? If he's cheated on you, his lies, secrecy and deceit have separated you from your own sense of reality. So before I get to my interview with Shelley, here are seven things women need to know about this. Number one, Recovery begins with identification. What you're experiencing is called betrayal Trauma Naming. It helps connect the dots between what happened and how it affected you. Number two, Intimate lies are domestic abuse. The harm doesn't start once you find out about his cheating. It begins when he starts deceiving you. Recovery begins with accepting this truth. Number three, your body will tell you the truth. Most women experiencing betrayal trauma have physical symptoms like insomnia, stomach issues, chronic pain. Your body always resists, even if your mind doesn't quite understand what's happening. Number four, recovery isn't about him, even though the need to recover is about, is entirely about him. Recovery takes knowing how to focus on our own emotional safety. Number five, self compassion is a turning point. Recovery means treating yourself like you would treat a friend. Number six, ignore bad advice. People might tell you to just move on or don't give away your power. That's not helpful if you're trying to heal from this type of trauma. Number seven, the right support makes recovery from this type of trauma possible. It's important to find a support group when where women understand what you're going through because they've been through it, too. This comes into play in Shelly's story and we're going to get to that now. Welcome back, Shelley.

[B]

So we're in about a year and a half now since the initial D day, and it's still really difficult, but we're still together, we're still working through things. I've had no more D days since the four or five months of D days that I had. So there's nothing new that's come to light, but it's hard. That's sort of where I am at the moment.

[C]

Talk about any epiphanies that you've had as you've been working through this.

[B]

There's Been a lot of deepening understanding about objectification as a social issue and the conditioning that is everywhere in society that both men and women are subjected to now. There's been a lot of deeper understanding about that, how human souls are made into objects and literally sold for the purpose of use in a sexual way. And it's dark. Last time I gave you a bit of a backstory. There was a long line of betrayal trauma history in my life. Being born into that. And for me, understanding my own power and my own choice has been freeing.

[C]

Like, how did you see it before and how are you seeing it now?

[B]

So, listening to our original podcast, the emotions I felt when I was going back to when I was young and then when I was in an abusive relationship, it wasn't a relationship. I was a victim of abuse in my teens with a much older man. The emotions that I felt then were quite powerless. Just listening to that, it felt powerless. Whereas when I fast forward to now, I can feel there's a difference. Like, I have choice. I didn't realize that I had choice then. Like, I didn't understand. I wouldn't say naive, because I wouldn't understand because I was so young and I was being coerced in such a horrific way that I didn't see anything beyond that. Whereas now my adult self understands all of this stuff. And actually, through everything that I've listened to on your podcast and understanding what betrayal trauma actually is, I feel foundation now that I didn't have before. And understanding where I'm standing in a place of power. And it's different. I'm in a different space. I felt that just listening through my own story in the podcast that we.

[C]

Did before for our listeners. We are recording this the same day that her previous episode aired. And so she listened to it, and now we're talking. It's a different type of experience than talking with a coach or a therapist or being in a group session because you're listening to yourself from the outside in a way that you wouldn't normally. Can you talk about your experience as you listen to yourself share your story on the podcast? Do you feel like it enabled you to feel for yourself in a way that you hadn't before?

[B]

Yeah, I do, actually, because I disconnected so much. I had quite a strong sense of dissociation before. And that has changed, I feel is really important because that's reconnecting to the self and where the dissociation was before, it was like it was someone else's life that I was recounting or telling A story about somebody else's life or a different lifetime. It didn't feel like it was connected to me. So having that connection back and feeling those emotions for my own story is really important in being whole. Rebuilding myself. It was really helpful. I felt really emotional. I felt the heartbreak for myself. I have empathy for myself, which is a strange concept. I feel for myself my own story. I was able to release it.

[C]

I imagine that it will take you a while to process hearing your own story. It's not like you're going to have all of the epiphanies all at once. It will happen over time. But I do think it's really beneficial for women to hear themselves and recognize how human they are. If they were hearing someone else share the story, how much compassion they would feel for that person. And love and lack of judgment.

[B]

Exactly.

[C]

It might be something they've never ever really experienced for themselves before, partially due to all the abuse that they experienced. The abuse in and of itself separates us from ourselves. The that's part of the intent is that an abuser does not want us to process it in a way that we can really feel or understand it.

[B]

Yeah. Disempower you. So you haven't got the power to step out of it or change it or even see it. So having that compassion for yourself and hearing it as if you're listening to a friend is huge. I've always struggled with self love. I completely understand why now because it's been throughout my entire life hearing that if I was sitting with a friend and she was telling me my story, I would have nothing but love for her. What I'm dealing with right now, I'm really heavily processing the current stuff with my current partner all the time. That has such a huge impact on me every day. I'm still triggered by things. There are still moments where it feels overwhelmingly hard.

[C]

In the past, you didn't understand what was happening to you. And so processing it in real time was not available to you in any way, shape or form. But processing your situation now that you have the information in real time, you're able to talk to other women. You went to BTR group sessions. You're able to process. It makes a difference.

[B]

Yeah. That's definitely part of it. I'm also aware of positive coping mechanisms that I'm doing. There's a general sense of awareness I wouldn't have had before.

[C]

Once you're aware, you can start looking at it more objectively in terms of not being manipulated like we were before.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Which helps us make better Decisions in the long run, it takes a minute to figure out how we feel and what we want to do. We're just a lot more capable of making decisions that are in our best interest when we have this type of information. It's just impossible without it.

[B]

Yeah. It's like being in a dark room with a blindfold on and then suddenly walking out into the light and seeing everything for what it actually is.

[C]

How has that felt? Being able to see things for what they really are?

[B]

It's liberating. I'm glad that I see now, but it's painful process. I wouldn't change it.

[C]

I think some women, and I was one of them, want to unsee it a little bit because it is so painful. But once you see it, you can't unsee it. And so there isn't anywhere to go but forward here.

[B]

I understand wishing to unsee it. I can totally get that because it's such a traumatic thing to go through. I'm glad that I'm not living in the dark anymore. I'm glad that I'm not living in an illusion that I thought was this perfect fairy tale in my head. I would never want anyone to go through this. But I'm glad that I'm now living informed as to who I'm with and where I am.

[C]

The Living Free workshop is intended to help women see the truth. It doesn't give any instructions in terms of like pack a bag and move out, nothing like that. It's more safety principles and how to get enough space to observe.

[B]

Yes, I loved the group sessions. Feeling that connection with people, seeing the same faces, feeling a familiarity with the coach. Each coach had a different sort of energy and beauty about the way that they were able to hold the space. So I found that really helpful. I remember in one of my shares talking about how this has affected me and my self perception, my physical self perception. Basically started to starve myself because all of the women that he was looking at that he disclosed, they were all thinner than me. Some of them were younger than me, some of them were actually older than me. But I started to really look at myself. I had very low self esteem anyway. But this just completely smashed any esteem that I had about myself and getting beauty treatments, anything that I could just to feel better physically. And in this one particular group, I shared that many of the women started to cry and could completely understand, completely resonated with what I was saying. I found that so devastatingly sad. That this is one of the consequences from their behavior, their choices is the way that we internalize or think that it's because of us. It all boils down to that belief. I'm not enough. Having that connection, not feeling alone, not feeling like I'm the only one that's doing this, that was powerful but equally heartbreaking, actually. Across the world, this is something that is happening to women. After experiencing something like that, I think.

[C]

It really brings it home that it's not about us. And to see that so many women have been exploited in that way, manipulated in that way, is so heartbreaking to realize how systemic it is.

[B]

Yeah. My partner, I remember having a conversation with him. I cannot understand how you could look into my eyes at the end of the day knowing that you'd done that. He said, I just thought, what she doesn't know won't hurt her. That is the root of the pain. In between the damage that's caused in a relationship, Keeping anything, not having transparency, that as soon as you're doing something that you know is going to hurt your partner, you're hurting them already.

[C]

Right.

[B]

Whether they know it or not.

[C]

And just the absolute lack of understanding that not giving your partner a choice, using deceit is abuse. It's control. It's harmful. And you're already hurting her if you're not giving her a choice in her own life.

[B]

Exactly. I did not know who I was with. I had the image of who I thought he was, who he was saying he was. I did not know the person that I was with. I didn't have free choice in that.

[C]

Exactly. And for any man to think that sounds okay is horrifying. I don't know of anyone here at btr. I guess there could be women out there who feel this way, but I don't know of any woman at BTR who would feel comfortable thinking that her husband didn't know unless it was for her own safety. Saved some money. Classic domestic abuse escape strategies. Women in general who are victims of abuse, before they understand that they are, they would feel bad thinking that their husband didn't know something that he needed to know. I think that's why it's just so incomprehensible to us that somebody would have made these choices for us and completely disrespected us in this way.

[B]

It's dishonoring someone's soul that you're professing to love now. That is not love. It's dishonoring me, betrayed me. There was lies about other things as well. There was lies about money. It's not honoring the person that you love. And I can't consolidate those two things in my head or in my heart. Because if I love someone, then I'm going to honor them. And I'm going to honor them by not doing things that are going to hurt them. If I know that I'm going to hurt that person, I won't do that.

[C]

I'm so sorry about everything you're going through. The time you're in right now is so difficult, trying to sort out what to do next.

[B]

Yeah, I'm still on high alert a lot of the time, which is exhausting. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and I rid myself of the constant pain and fatigue and was living my life in a happy space. So since all of this came out, all of the symptoms of fibroids, myalgia flared back up again. If anything else came to light, that would be it. I wouldn't be able to physically do it. I wouldn't be able to physically or emotionally stay within the relationship because I have nothing more that I can possibly give beyond what I've already given, beyond what I'm giving now. I'm not relaxed. I can't just relax.

[C]

That's absolutely understandable.

[B]

It's logical, isn't it? If someone can spend so many years lying to you, there's always a chance that they're going to do that again. I still am not in a place that I can say I fully trust him. My mind is still trying to protect me. My mind is still questioning. My mind is still on high alert. And I don't know however long that takes, what that's going to look like.

[C]

I'm interested to see what you think of Living Free because the intent was to help women feel like they don't have to work so hard. Because I'm hearing that in your voice, this exhaustion of the process of seeing if he's going to make the right decisions. So the Living Free workshop was intended to reduce that burden and help women observe so that the weight of the burden is all on him and not on us.

[B]

I definitely feel it. I'm definitely carrying it.

[C]

So the strategy of living Free is learning to give ourselves enough space so that we can live our lives, be peaceful and happy and observe and not carry the weight of it. If you're willing to come back and.

[B]

Share your feedback, very much would like to do that.

[C]

Let me tell you a little bit about it so you're not overwhelmed. The workbook comes with it. You can print it. I do recommend that women buy it on Amazon. I wanted to be able to see the two page spread layout, which you don't really get to see if you print it on your own printer. But anyway, the Living free workshop is 55 lessons. They're very short videos. Most of them are three minutes and the shortest one is 30 seconds. So it's tiny three minute increments to be able to process it. The longest video is six minutes long. There's only one that's that long. There's a question underneath and if you don't want to answer it, you can just push an X and push enter and go to the next thing. If you don't want to fill out the workbook, you don't have to fill out the workbook. But it is good to have it in front of you, sitting there, so at least you can see what I'm talking about. So even if you're not going to fill it out, just having it in front of you helps. I have a master's degree in education, so the reason I set it up like that was to give women time to process in between each one, especially with the self esteem issues. To remove the manipulation and the negative things that we've absorbed through their abuse and replace it with truth. Like, you're beautiful, you're capable. Right now might be a great time for the meditations to regulate your nervous system to help you feel more peaceful and centered. That's what the meditations to help women who, like a lot of women, can't sleep, they can't stop thinking about it, that sort of thing. So to help get all that out, I wrote them for myself because talking about stuff at some point just wasn't that helpful for me. I talked about it so much. So I wrote those meditations to help me so that I could get all the stuff out without having to talk about it. Because I talk about this all day long, every single day, and I have for 10 years. So there had to have been something different for me. Well, I'd say if you do the meditations and then schedule the next interview, that way it can give you some time to think about. Did it help?

[B]

Yeah, definitely. You need to get this stuff out. That's really important. But also I think there comes a point where you have to go inward as well. Going in is an important part of the healing process too. So, yeah, very much appreciate the access to those. It's been crazy. It feels divine.

[C]

Totally. Thank you so much and I look forward to talking to you again soon.

[B]

Yeah, thank you so much.