Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast

Episode: How To Recover After Being Cheated On – Shelly’s Story
Host: Anne Blythe, M.Ed.
Guest: Shelly
Date: July 30, 2025

Overview

This powerful episode revisits Shelly, a member of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery community. Six months after her previous interview, Shelly shares her journey of healing following her husband's repeated infidelities and emotional abuse. Host Anne Byrthe guides the conversation, blending expert insight and lived experience to address the profound impact of betrayal trauma. The episode offers practical guidance and heartfelt solidarity to listeners struggling with the aftermath of a partner’s lies and manipulation.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Nature of Betrayal Trauma

• Betrayal trauma is more than infidelity:
  Anne (A) begins by outlining seven truths about recovery from betrayal, emphasizing that the trauma begins with the deceit—not just with discovery. A foundation of healing is recognizing "intimate lies are domestic abuse" [00:22].
• Physical Manifestations:
  The trauma often shows up as insomnia, chronic pain, or other health issues, as the body resists the reality before the mind consciously comprehends it.

2. Shelly’s Progress: One Year Post Discovery ("D-Day")

• Current Status:
  Shelly (B): "We're in about a year and a half now since the initial D-Day, and it's still really difficult, but we're still together, we're still working through things" [01:56].
• No new betrayals, but ongoing struggle:
  Shelly hasn't experienced new "D-days," yet the process remains challenging and ongoing.

3. Epiphanies and Changing Self-Perception

• Societal Conditioning & Objectification:
  Shelly acknowledges a "deepening understanding about objectification as a social issue," and how it has influenced both men and women to see people as objects for use [02:24].
• Reclaiming Power and Choice:
  Shelly reflects on feeling powerless as a young abuse victim but notes a significant shift:
  "I have choice. … I didn't realize that I had choice then." Now, with more knowledge and community support, she stands "in a place of power" [03:12].
• Listening as Healing:
  Hearing her own story helped Shelly connect emotionally and empathize with herself:
  "I have empathy for myself, which is a strange concept. … I was able to release it" [04:57].

4. Self-Compassion and Healing

• Breaking Through Dissociation:
  Shelly describes moving from dissociation—recounting her life as if it were someone else’s—to reconnecting with her own story and emotions.
• Power of Self-Kindness:
  Host Anne highlights how abuse separates victims from themselves, making self-compassion a radical, restorative step.
• Ongoing Triggers & Daily Processing:
  Shelly continues to face daily challenges and emotional triggers in her relationship, noting, "There are still moments where it feels overwhelmingly hard" [06:41].

5. The Impact of Support Groups

• Validation through Community:
  Shelly found group sessions invaluable: "Feeling that connection with people, seeing the same faces, feeling a familiarity with the coach. Each coach had a different sort of energy..." [09:44].
• Shared Experience Reduces Isolation:
  Sharing her struggles with self-perception post-betrayal, Shelly recounts, "Many of the women started to cry and could completely understand, completely resonated with what I was saying. … Having that connection, not feeling alone, not feeling like I'm the only one that's doing this, that was powerful but equally heartbreaking, actually" [09:44].

6. Recognizing Abuse and the Reality of Choice

• Deceit as Abuse:
  Shelly recounts confronting her partner:
  “I cannot understand how you could look into my eyes at the end of the day knowing that you'd done that. He said, I just thought, what she doesn't know won't hurt her” [00:10, 11:37]. Anne underscores: “Not giving your partner a choice, using deceit, is abuse. It's control. It's harmful” [12:10].
• Loss of True Choice:
  Shelly emphasizes, "I did not know who I was with. … I didn't have free choice in that" [12:30].

7. The Ongoing Toll on Health and Trust

• Physical Impact:
  Shelly shares the resurgence of fibromyalgia symptoms post-betrayal:
  “Since all of this came out, all of the symptoms of fibroids, myalgia flared back up again” [14:08].
• Constant Vigilance:
  “I'm still on high alert a lot of the time, which is exhausting. ... I still am not in a place that I can say I fully trust him. My mind is still trying to protect me” [14:08–14:50].

8. Tools for Empowerment: The Living Free Workshop

• Education as a Path to Freedom:
  Anne describes the Living Free workshop, crafted to help women reclaim peace and emotional safety: bite-sized lessons, a self-paced workbook, and meditations to address self-esteem and regulation [15:09–17:57].
• Shelly’s Response:
  Shelly looks forward to trying the workshop’s resources:
  "I think there comes a point where you have to go inward as well. Going in is an important part of the healing process too" [18:01].

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Betrayal Trauma:
  “Intimate lies are domestic abuse. The harm doesn't start once you find out about his cheating. It begins when he starts deceiving you.”—Anne [00:22]
• On Gaining Power:
  “I have choice. I didn't realize that I had choice then. ... Actually, through everything that I've listened to on your podcast and understanding what betrayal trauma actually is, I feel foundation now that I didn't have before.”—Shelly [03:12]
• On Self-Compassion:
  “I have empathy for myself, which is a strange concept. ... I was able to release it.”—Shelly [04:57]
• On Validation & Connection:
  “Having that connection, not feeling alone, not feeling like I'm the only one that's doing this, that was powerful but equally heartbreaking, actually.”—Shelly [09:44]
• On Deceit and Abuse:
  “Not giving your partner a choice, using deceit is abuse. It's control. It's harmful. And you're already hurting her if you're not giving her a choice in her own life.”—Anne [12:10]
• On Exhaustion & Vigilance:
  "I'm still on high alert a lot of the time, which is exhausting. ... I still am not in a place that I can say I fully trust him."—Shelly [14:08]
• On the Hope of Healing:
  "Going in is an important part of the healing process too."—Shelly [18:01]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [00:00–02:16] – Introduction, Shelly’s update, seven key things to know about betrayal trauma
• [02:17–03:12] – Shelly describes current struggles and newfound sense of agency
• [03:13–04:57] – Shelly discusses the shift in self-perception and feeling empathy for herself
• [06:41–07:29] – Daily triggers and ongoing emotional impact
• [09:44–11:24] – Powerful group session experiences and impact on self-worth
• [11:37–12:30] – Shelly confronts her partner’s lack of transparency and respect
• [14:08–14:50] – Physical toll and enduring difficulty trusting
• [15:09–17:57] – Anne introduces Living Free workshop
• [18:01–18:23] – Shelly’s reflections; closing remarks

Conclusion

This episode intimately explores the multi-layered reality of healing from betrayal trauma. Shelly’s story, marked by renewed self-awareness, persistent struggle, and communal support, offers hope and solidarity to listeners. Anne Blythe’s guidance reframes betrayal trauma as both abuse and an opportunity for empowerment, inviting women to reclaim their narrative and prioritize self-compassion and informed choice.