Podcast Summary: Making The Decision To Divorce – Caroline’s Story

Podcast: Betrayal Trauma Recovery
Host: Anne Blythe, M.Ed.
Guest: Caroline (BTR Client)
Date: March 27, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode centers on Caroline, a young woman who recently divorced her husband due to issues including pornography addiction, emotional abuse, and narcissistic traits. Host Anne Blythe guides Caroline in sharing her journey—from ignoring red flags, through the emotionally tumultuous marriage, to her ultimate decision to prioritize safety, boundaries, and self-worth. Together, they explore the realities of abuse masked as love, the dangers of love bombing, the failure of “just talking about it,” the empowering process of setting boundaries, and the nuanced support offered by BTR. The conversation is relatable, honest, and compassionate, offering insights and solidarity for listeners facing similar pain.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Facing the Truth About Divorce

• Stigma & Openness: Caroline discusses the challenges of explaining her divorce, especially because pornography is often misunderstood or minimized.
  • “It’s definitely like a panic zone because you don’t know how people react... It’s only been in the past few months that I’ve felt like I can actually say the word pornography when I’m talking about my divorce.” – Caroline [01:11]
• Initial Red Flags: From the early days, Caroline noticed her husband’s lavish gestures, need for constant contact, and controlling behavior—all signs she now recognizes as narcissistic red flags and love bombing.
  • “At the time, I was flattered… but now I see it as him being controlling and insecure...” – Caroline [01:41–03:03]

Recognizing Narcissistic & Abusive Behaviors

• Love Bombing vs. Genuine Love: Anne emphasizes how behaviors idolized in movies are, in reality, often warning signs of unhealthy relationships.
  • “Being educated about what narcissistic behaviors are [is] super important... That amazing situation... is very similar to a narcissist love bombing.” – Anne [03:03–04:27]
• The Importance of Boundaries: Caroline explains how setting boundaries inside marriage is a vital act of self-protection, not a sign of marital failure.
  • “Boundaries are good, even inside a marriage, to keep yourself safe.” – Caroline [04:27–06:01]

Realizing the Impact of Pornography Addiction

• Broader Consequences: Caroline wishes she'd understood that pornography addiction fuels other harmful (emotional and physical) behaviors.
  • “I wish I would have known that pornography addiction fuels other behaviors. I wish I would have known more the emotional and physical consequences of that addiction.” – Caroline [06:04]
• Self-Worth & “The Full Package”: She learned that she doesn’t need to settle for less, and that abuse-free partnership—rather than perfection—is the real “full package.”
  • “I can have everything that I want in a man and that I deserve the full package.” – Caroline [06:22]
  • “We are talking about a man that we can partner with who is not abusive.” – Anne [06:53]

Healing and Young Divorce

• Affirmations & Support: Caroline uses affirmations and peer support from other young divorced women to heal and reclaim her identity.
  • “I have them posted all over my apartment… divorce does not define me or that it wasn’t a failure either.” – Caroline [07:33–08:30]
• A Widespread Issue: In her peer group, more than half of the young women are divorced—mostly due to pornography addiction.
  • “There was 11 of us that are married and six of us are now divorced… due to pornography.” – Caroline [08:30–08:42]

Why “Just Talking” About Pornography Isn’t Enough

• The Limits of Conversation: Anne notes that most women had open talks with partners about pornography, but users often lie; behavior is more telling than words.
  • “A conversation about it or asking the right questions is not going to lead us to the truth. Usually the only thing... is observing their behaviors and getting really in touch with what do I need?” – Anne [08:42–09:31]
  • “Pornography users lie.” – Anne [08:42]
• Responsibility for Truthfulness: The burden for honesty lies with the addict, not the partner’s approach or mood.
  • “He literally needs to be honest regardless of whether their wife or girlfriend is angry...” – Anne [09:31–10:05]

The Role of BTR & Boundaries

• BTR Doesn’t Push Divorce: Both Anne and Caroline make it clear that BTR focuses on safety and self-determination, not promoting divorce.
  • “It was very explicit that BTR is not an advocate for divorce, but that we should also make sure that we’re in a safe situation. And so the decision did come from me.” – Caroline [11:14–12:05]
• Boundaries Reveal Abusers: Setting a simple boundary (ex: requiring her husband to schedule his own therapy) triggered more intense abuse, unmasking her husband’s true behavior.
  • “Once the boundaries were set in place, things really took a different turn. It made him very upset, much more abusive, a different side to my ex husband that I never had seen.” – Caroline [12:07–12:56]
  • “To me, setting a simple boundary, we saw his true colors.” – Caroline [12:56]

Personal Epiphanies & Healing Process

• Naming the Abuse: Discovering language about gaslighting and emotional abuse was transformative for Caroline.
  • “Every bullet point was just like, yes, this is how I felt. I’ve never been able to put words to it. That’s the moment that I decided, okay, something has to change.” – Caroline [14:33–15:43]
• From “Hurt” to “Abused”: The realization that she was in an abusive relationship—not just dealing with a hurting spouse—was a pivotal and painful paradigm shift.
  • “That is one of the most traumatizing shifts in paradigm. But once that shift in paradigm happens, women are like, okay, so this means I really need to set boundaries, because all the love, service, and forgiveness is not going to help the situation out.” – Anne [16:00–16:26]

Building a Healthier Future

• New Relationship Criteria: Caroline now watches how potential partners treat themselves and others, noting narcissistic traits, and practices greater self-awareness.
  • “The biggest thing that I watch for now is how they treat me and how they treat themselves… if they’re constantly seeking validation… The characteristics of narcissism is definitely what I look for.” – Caroline [16:47–18:12]
• Self-Care & Reality: Both women discuss the role of self-care and reconnecting to reality outside of the “fog” of an abusive relationship.
  • “Walking outside, letting the sun be on my face… it felt so new... I’ve been living in this fog inside my house with this abusive situation, and my reality has been so skewed.” – Anne [18:12–19:30]

Family Support and Education

• Caroline’s Mom as an Ally: Her mother’s education (via the podcast) was invaluable in supporting Caroline, and in recognizing when to step back and truly support her daughter’s decisions.
  • “The introduction to BTR by my mom was super helpful… I am forever grateful for the education that my mom has…” – Caroline [19:45–20:43]
  • “For a brief moment there was that reaction from my mom of you need to keep trying. And then the next day she called me and she goes, honey, I was wrong and I’m sorry and I’m here for you. Which she was only able to do because of the education that she has.” – Caroline [20:43]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Narcissism & Love Bombing:
  • “That amazing situation that is meant for a romantic comedy is very similar to a narcissist love bombing.” – Anne [04:03]
• On Priorities:
  • “I wish I would have known to put my needs and desires as a priority…” – Caroline [06:21]
• On the Real “Full Package”:
  • “We are talking about a man that we can partner with who is not abusive.” – Anne [06:53]
• On Peer Support:
  • “There was 11 of us that are married and six of us are now divorced… due to pornography.” – Caroline [08:30–08:42]
• On Boundaries Revealing Truth:
  • “Once the boundaries were set in place, things really took a different turn. It made him very upset, much more abusive, a different side to my ex husband that I never had seen.” – Caroline [12:07–12:56]
• On Discovering Words for Her Experience:
  • “Every single sentence that was listed, every bullet point was just like, yes, this is how I felt. I’ve never been able to put words to it.” – Caroline [14:33–14:56]
• On Paradigm Shift to Recognizing Abuse:
  • “That is one of the most traumatizing shifts in paradigm. But once that shift in paradigm happens, women are like, okay, so this means I really need to set boundaries...” – Anne [16:00–16:26]

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Introduction & Caroline’s Reason for Divorce: [00:42–01:33]
• Red Flags in Early Relationship: [01:33–03:03]
• Love Bombing & Narcissism in Relationships: [03:03–04:27]
• Learning About Boundaries: [04:27–06:01]
• Affirmations and Young Divorce: [07:33–08:30]
• Limits of Open Discussion on Pornography: [08:30–10:05]
• BTR’s Role and Philosophy: [11:14–12:05]
• Impact of Boundaries on Abusive Partners: [12:07–13:53]
• Naming and Understanding Abuse & Gaslighting: [14:33–15:57]
• Paradigm Shift: From Hurt to Abuse: [16:00–16:26]
• New Tools for Healthy Relationships & Self-Care: [16:47–19:30]
• Family Support and the Value of Education: [19:45–20:43]

Takeaways

• Abuse can hide behind behaviors society deems “romantic.”
• Boundaries are essential for self-preservation, not indications of marital failure.
• Partner honesty is not the victim’s responsibility—addicts must be honest regardless.
• Pornography addiction often goes hand-in-hand with narcissism, emotional abuse, and gaslighting.
• Naming the abuse is a crucial, albeit painful, turning point.
• Healing is greatly aided by community, education, affirmations, and self-care.
• Family support, when grounded in education and empathy, is invaluable for recovery.

For anyone experiencing betrayal, manipulation, or abuse:
You’re not alone. There is support and hope for healing—and divorce does not define you.