BigDeal Podcast #104: Divorce Lawyer—Why 53% of Marriages Fail | James Sexton

Guest: James Sexton, renowned divorce attorney and author
Host: Codie Sanchez
Release Date: November 26, 2025
Length: ~90 minutes (timestamps included for core moments)

Episode Overview

In this candid and often humorous conversation, entrepreneur and host Codie Sanchez interviews James Sexton, a top divorce attorney with over 25 years’ experience and more than 2,000 cases under his belt. The discussion dives into why most marriages fail, the real reasons couples divorce, critical “red flags” in relationships, why marriage is still pursued despite the odds, and the lessons that can help people avoid divorce or move through it with wisdom.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Stark Odds of Marriage and Divorce

• James frames marriage riskily ([00:15], [02:07]):
  “With the divorce rate about 53%, it is definitely negligent, possibly reckless to get married. …If I said there’s a 73% chance we walk out of here today, you get hit in the head with a bowling ball… you would stay in or you’d wear a helmet at a minimum. Yet we’re into marriage as a culture.”

• Many marriages end not in divorce but in lifelong misery—staying “for the kids,” religion, or financial convenience.

• On the persistence of marriage:
  Despite difficulties, 86% of people remarry within five years of divorce ([05:12]).

2. What Actually Leads to Divorce? Signs and Red Flags

• Affairs almost never start with sex ([00:58], [39:36], [43:38]):
  “They start the way relationships start, which is you’re interested and you’re interesting.”

• Loss of “cheering for each other” ([07:36]):
  Red flags are more about the absence of positive interactions than the presence of toxic ones.
  “One of the things present in almost all the happy couples I know is this sense of cheering for each other. …The absence of it, or its opposite—rolling eyes, not listening—is a big red flag.”

• Weaponizing intimacy and criticism ([12:58]):
  “The weaponization of intimacy… is the scariest thing in the world because it’s so brave to love someone… If you ever use that to weaponize, you can’t take it back.”

• Death by a thousand cuts ([14:17]):
  “People’s relationships fall apart the way people go bankrupt: very slowly and then all at once.”

• Affectionate behavior is often replaced by persistent criticism ([11:48]):
  “When I see criticism, that, to me, is the biggest red flag.”

3. Why Marriage Still Matters

• James, despite his experience, is not jaded ([19:26]):
  “Watching the fragility of love… has not made me less of a romantic. …Even as a divorced person, I am a better person for every one of those loves.”
• He advocates for learning from past relationships and values the growth that comes from them.

4. Keeping Love Alive: Practical Wisdom

• Falling “out of love” is usually just stopping the things that kept love alive ([24:53], [24:55]):
  “People say they fell out of love. No. They stopped doing the things that kept love alive.”

• Acts of attention and affection are crucial:
  “When’s the last time you said to your partner, ‘what are some things I do that make you feel loved?’” ([25:55])

• Positive behavior modification ([31:33]):
  Instead of criticizing a partner, praise and subtly encourage desired behaviors. Example: An ex-girlfriend who praised his clean-shaven look motivated him to do it more.

Notable Quotes

• “No single raindrop is responsible for the flood, but the flood is just a bunch of little raindrops.” ([25:55])
• “If you sent more flowers, you’d get more nudes. If you gave more nudes, you might get more flowers.” ([35:11])

5. The Truth About Infidelity

• Modern technology enhances risk ([43:38]):
  “If we were going to invent an infidelity generating machine, it would be called Instagram. …Everyone’s posting their greatest hits while we live our gag reel.”

• Infidelity as a symptom, not the disease

  • The real threat to marriages is emotional disconnection and the loss of interest/attention ([44:38]):
    “It starts to feel really good. Like, it feels really good because of who you feel: you feel interesting again, you feel interested again.”

6. The Role and Power of Prenups

• Everyone has a prenup—written or defaulted to the state ([53:48]):
  “If you don’t do a prenup, you’ve decided that the state legislature… will do a better job than you and your partner.”

• Modern couples are increasingly pragmatic, using affordable digital tools (e.g., TrustedPrenup.com) ([58:48]).

• Wildest prenup clause seen? If wife gained 10 pounds, she lost $10,000/month in alimony—a court upheld it, stating, “It’s a contract. …You signed it.” ([59:54])

7. Lessons from Divorce Practice

• Healthy couples fight—but fairly ([12:58]):
  “We fight. It’s no low blows. It’s no weaponization of intimacy.”

• Premarital education is lacking ([65:13]):
  “You can’t get a driver’s license without a test… Marriage, $50 and Elvis will marry you in Nevada. The first time most people learn what legally happened is when they’re getting divorced.”

8. Humor, Humanity, & Heart

• Dogs as a metaphor for love ([15:47]):
  “Your husband’s love is loaned to you, and your love is loaned to him. …Your marriage will end—every marriage ends, in death or divorce. …I hope yours ends in death, but more likely, it’s in divorce. There’s something about dogs—they teach us to enjoy love while it lasts.”

• On personal growth through loss ([19:54]):
  “Even though I know the astronomy, I still think the stars are beautiful.”

9. The Nanny Problem—And “Reclaiming Self”

• Age or “hotness” minimums for nannies don’t really work ([85:06]).
• “The nanny… represents a lot of the aspects of the wife before you had kids. She has a life outside the home… is still a mystery. …Reclaim the parts of yourself that were part of the nanny.” ([87:24])

10. Final Reflections: Why He Wrote the Book

• For couples at all stages ([81:04]):
  “I hope that people who are just getting into relationships read it… it’s a whole lot easier to stay in love than it is to be in love, let it fall apart, neglect it, and then try to find your way back.”

• On exes and co-parenting:
  “I was great at being an ex-husband. Reliable, punctual… I was great at being an ex-husband.” ([84:12])

• Takeaway on Prenups and Marriage Contracts:
  “Having the conversation is potentially an opportunity for us to talk about some important things in this relationship and what we owe each other.” ([64:14])

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On tradition:
  “Tradition is the wisdom of the people who were here before us. And to some degree, tradition is peer pressure exerted by dead people.” ([03:15])

• On marriage as an “exchange of value”:
  “Relationships are an economy. …You give value, you receive value. That’s not a dirty word.” ([60:25])

• On praising, not criticizing partners:
  “Loving behavior modification… praise the behavior you’re trying to facilitate. In marriage, it’s incredibly easy.” ([11:48], [31:33])

Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | |-----------|-----------------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:15–02:07 | The divorce rate, risk perspective, and cultural attitudes about marriage | | 07:36 | Major red flags in marriages (absence of praise, rising criticism) | | 12:58 | Healthy couples fight fairly—what goes wrong in toxic fights? | | 15:47 | The “dog story”—love as something temporary and brave | | 24:53 | “People don’t fall out of love; they stop keeping love alive” | | 31:33 | Example: Positive behavioral reinforcement in relationships | | 39:36 | Affairs almost never start with sex | | 43:38 | Instagram as the “infidelity machine”; secret DM dynamics | | 53:48 | Why everyone needs a prenup—default vs. intentional contracts | | 59:54 | Wildest prenup clause/“for every 10 pounds” story | | 65:13 | The need for premarital education | | 85:03 | “Everyone’s fucking the nanny”—real reasons, lessons, defenses | | 81:04 | Why he wrote the book and who it’s for |

Tone & Style

James Sexton is direct, witty, and self-deprecating, balancing hard truths with compassion and humor. Codie Sanchez is interactive, vulnerable (sharing her own divorce and learnings), and quick with comedic asides.

Conclusion

James Sexton’s perspective as a divorce attorney is both sobering and optimistic: most couples are woefully underprepared for the realities of long-term commitment. Yet, with honest communication, positive reinforcement, and the courage to have difficult conversations (including prenups), relationships can thrive—or at the very least, people can move forward with growth and dignity. The key lies in attention, vulnerability, and the continual act of “cheering for each other.”

For more wisdom:
Follow James Sexton on TikTok & Instagram
Read his book: How to Stay in Love (How Not to Fck Up Your Marriage—UK Edition)*

End of summary. For more, check out the full episode or visit James’ social profiles.